Limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, first defined in the 1970s by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It is characterised by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary, obsessive craving for another person.
Limerence is not a widely known concept. In a not-entirely-scientific poll (I asked some people I know), 0.0% of my peer group had heard of the term. So, it’s good to give a clear definition.
Limerence was coined as a term and concept by Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence”, and emerged from her study of romantic love.
This mostly took the form of interviews and questionnaires, in which Tennov noted a number of consistent traits among many individuals who described their experiences of being in love. She created the term limerence to classify this common experience.
The defining features are (paraphrasing and simplifying slightly):
- Frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO), who is a potential sexual partner.
- An acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling.
- Exaggerated dependency of mood on LO’s actions: elation when sensing reciprocation, devastation when sensing disinterest.
- Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time.
- Fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the LO.
- Insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, often manifesting in overt physical discomfort (sweating, stammering, racing heart).
- Intensification of feelings by adversity.
- An aching sensation in “the heart” when uncertainty is strong.
- A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.
- A remarkable ability to emphasise the positive features of the LO, and minimise, or empathise with, the negative.
- I would also add to Tennov’s list: a desire for exclusivity.
Interestingly, when describing these traits to the same people that I queried about “limerence” as a term, the responses seemed to split into two general camps:
“That’s just love. You don’t need a special word for that.”
“Don’t be silly. Nobody really feels like that; it’s childish.”
This of course fits with Tennov’s core thesis: that people can be understood as fundamentally different in their experience of love. As limerents and non-limerents.
Surely that’s just a crush?
Many adolescents go through a period of over-romanticising other people as they develop their sexual identity. Bouts of puppy love come and go, and usually give way to a more realistic attitude towards actual romantic partners, superseding daydream fantasies about unattainable celebrities. Could limerence just be an adult crush?
While there are certainly elements in common, crushes tend to come and go with little lasting psychological impact. In contrast, limerence is distinguished by the involuntary and debilitating nature of the experience once it has taken hold.
I think this is most readily understood in the case of intrusive thoughts. “Oh I daydream all the time about him” doesn’t really get close to the invasive, relentless and compulsive nature of limerent rumination. You can’t turn it off. You can’t read a book, because every other sentence triggers a thought-bridge back to Them, and that’s it: concentration is impossible. You can’t listen to music, because all songs are about Them. You can’t seem to have a conversation with someone else without finding yourself mentioning Them in relation to… well, anything. They become the central force of gravity in your life. A black hole of attraction.
Urgh, sounds awful; but that’s the other weird feature: it isn’t. Certainly not at first. Mutual limerence experienced by two individuals free to express their feelings is surpassingly blissful – the “ecstatic union” described by Simone de Beauvoir and inspiration for uncountable numbers of poems and songs.
Even in times of uncertainty or adversity, the sensation of limerence can be highly pleasurable in itself. The rush of excitement at the perception of mutual attraction. The thrill of power and hope when you make LO laugh. The intoxicating sense of buoyancy when in the presence of a happy LO. It’s incredibly rewarding.
Person addiction
Intoxication really is the best word I can think of to capture the sensation overload that comes with limerence. Love intoxication. It’s as though you’ve become addicted to this other person.
And, like a junkie, limerents indulge themselves whenever they get a chance.
Oh good, a moment alone. I can have a nice fantasy about LO!
I normally take that route home, but if I take this small diversion in completely the opposite direction I may just happen to bump into LO…
I better just text LO about this important bit of trivia… Yes! They’ve responded!
But like any other addiction, after a while the exquisite spike of pleasure can devolve into a habit, and then a craving, and then an impediment to the proper, healthy sources of happiness and fulfillment in life.
So, on the principle that the blissed-out mutual limerents are too distracted to bother with reading a site like this, I’m going to focus most of my posts on trying to understand limerence as a phenomenon, with the goal of devising means for enjoying it as an addictive stimulant to be indulged in at the appropriate times to the appropriate degree. I do believe that limerence can add vivid colour to life, without compromising the pursuit of meaningful happiness.
Limerent Emeritus says
“The thrill of power and hope when you make LO laugh. The intoxicating sense of buoyancy when in the presence of a happy LO.”
In my case, when my parents divorced as a kid, I would tell my mother jokes to get her to stop crying. I remember it being marginally successful.
When I started corresponding with LO #4, I had at least 4 emails from her that said she was crying or had been crying and I made her feel better. She would tell me how kind I was. Add to that that she appeared to like what I had to offer and I was off to the races. The therapist explained I was seeking out an emotionally corrective experience and when it appeared to be working, it strengthened the attraction and formed an attachment. At its height, it was almost like there were two distinct aspects to my personality. There was the adult side saying, “What the heck are you doing? This is not good for you.” On the other side was this little kid pushing the adult out of the way and saying, “I got this! We’ve seen this before and we can handle it.” The cognitive dissonance caused no small amount of anxiety.
I don’t remember LO #1 reminding me of my mother but LOs #2-#4 did.
Cindy says
Great description!
This is my first encounter, I’m struggling to let go.. this article & your response describe exact feelings I’m experiencing. Peace & love..
wee davie says
I can relate easily to your story as I also used humour in an attempt to avoid being punished by my mother. My father died in WW2 when I was 3. He was the love of her life – and she never got over it. But no time for crying, (or grieving) as she had to get a job and a place to rent, where I could be looked after. She was an angry woman and took out her pain on me. At some stage I can remember singing; “I’d walk a million miles, for one of your smiles, my mammy!” That often worked!
One of the author’s peers, commented that limerence was “childish” which I believe to be exactly right. It stems mainly from a poor upbringing, especially in the child’s pre-cognitive years. If a child doesn’t get the love and closeness he/she so desperately need, from the primary care-giver then they will yearn for that love all of their lives. I’m an old man and still searching for it. A therapist can fill the gap for a while, that’s why so many folk “fall in love” with their therapist, but as we all know now…it’s just limerence! I only got over it because my therapist “kicked me into touch”…it was a necessary evil!
By the way, Limerent Emeritus, I also spent a lot of time in “child”, when I was in therapy, trying to impress with jokes etc. I told myself it wasn’t right…that I should be in “adult” doing proper work and I did give myself a substantial amount of anxiety, but we had a lot of laughs as well. It’s something I had to work through and I wouldn’t take it back!
I’m rambling now, and I’m probably talking to the converted, but Gordon Neufeld has an excellent 5min. video on You Tube about the stages of development, of the first 5 years in life, year by the year and the damage that can be caused through poor attachment. Also, Gabor Mate…compulsive reading and You Tube videos. They co-wrote a book on the subject.
I can’t remember all of my LO’s…being an old Scottish romantic, I “fell in love” with all the women I knew!
Fred says
My seven month journey in limerence is slowly fading away. What an insane intoxicating journey in unrequited love. Luckily I didn’t end my marriage or try to start an affair with my LO. I had to tell myself over and over that no response from my LO was a response. Hopefully I’ll never have this experience again, or at least now I’ll recognize it immediately. Limerence is so strange in that instead of a person evoking, as you get to know them, an intimate feeling of love and affection, the feeling of love and affection explodes forth from our own psyche and then attaches itself to a person. It’s a effect looking for a cause! I still have feelings for my LO. I know she likes me as a person but certainly does not love me as I insanely loved her. The LE truly is like a drug. It gives you an amazing, intense high but it comes with quite the hangover.
Mila says
„Limerence is so strange in that instead of a person evoking, as you get to know them, an intimate feeling of love and affection, the feeling of love and affection explodes forth from our own psyche and then attaches itself to a person. It’s a effect looking for a cause!“
Nicely explained, Fred! It’s how I feel it.
CreepyLimerent says
Great explanation.
andrea says
i spent like a good amount of time trying to find this, is like i feel this and i wanted to know how it is called
CreepyLimerent says
Yes, I know what you mean. I kept googling, “how to stop obsessing over someone”. There’s a lot of bad advice out there. Well, maybe not bad advice for some people.
ozanna says
This condition has destroyed any chance of an actual relationship developing between myself and the men I’ve dated that I’ve wanted to build a relationship with. The thoughts/ obsessions/ preoccupation with worrying about whether my feelings are reciprocated…it’s so stressful and overwhelming. But the worst part is that I recognize it but still can’t control the intrusive thoughts! They drive me crazy! I don’t want to have them. I want to be able to develop a relationship like a normal adult. Does anyone know if there is a medication for this condition? I’ve been in therapy for years and I’ve done the work of developing a true identity of my own…but that hasn’t helped with the intrusive thoughts that take over when I get involved with a man.
drlimerence says
Intrusive thoughts certainly can be crazy making – I think most limerents can relate to that! Great to hear you have been working with a therapist on developing your true identity. That was the critical factor for me in getting through my last limerence episode, and kind of the theme of this blog: purposeful living as the route to overcoming self-sabotage during limerence. I am curious about what you have tried to deal with the intrusive thoughts? Has your therapist recommended anything that helped (CBT?). In terms of medication, obviously any decisions should only be made in consultation with a medical professional, but I have heard of people struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder who are also limerent and medication for their OCD (usually antidepressants) being useful for limerence thoughts too. But, as I say, absolutely not something to dabble in without professional advice.
Ultimately, the goal is to break the negative habit of rumination and replace it with a new habit of positive thought. Slow, steady work that essentially means reprogramming your thought patterns. If the intrusive thoughts are too debilitating, this might call for clinical support – something to discuss with your therapist and GP (if in UK).
Good luck and best wishes,
Tami says
Watch the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. This is a common characteristic among folks who grew up in dysfunctional / troubled homes.
depgirl says
love this and most of the comments in this site!
Samantha says
I have been taking 5HTP because part of the function of limerence is that the LO causes a dopamine high and a subsequent serotonin low, so when they don’t give you attention you feel craving. 5HTP balances this out.
Darlene Fortner says
Interesting! Thanks for sharing.
SlowLearner says
Having a terrible time trying to give up thinking about someone I ” know” from YouTube . Can’t stop thinking of them despite my efforts. Last week I have tried to actually make contact with them but when I realised I slammed on the emergency brake and pulled out. Still struggling to stop thinking about them.
Lovisa says
Hi SlowLearner, welcome to our club!
What you are experiencing is normal and you are not alone. It says nothing about your character either. It is a chemical reaction in your body. You got some kind of reward from exposure to the YouTube person who I will call your LO and now your body craves that reward. You will get through this. You will be okay. I encourage you to explore the articles on this website. This website has been a blessing to many people who struggle with a similar problem. You are in the right place. I would also encourage you to come to this website rather than visiting the LO on YouTube.
Best wishes!
Cindy says
You’re def not alone! (Hugs) 🤗
Limerent Emeritus says
If you’ve been in therapy for years with no effect, you may want to try a different therapist before turning to medications. Medications may be what is necessary but you may want to explore other options first.
Have you and your therapist ever discussed your particular attachment style? Having dealt with several therapists about several subjects over the years, there’s a few things about them. Some are better than others. They have biases and weaknesses just like their patients. A lot of therapists tend to treat symptoms as opposed to causes which means you’ll never solve the problem. It’s like painting over a rust spot.
If you’re willing to try something, I recommend you Google Shari Schreiber and start with her first article. If what she has to say resonates with you, read some of her other stuff. If what she says seems to fit, find a therapist who specializes in working with trauma survivors.
Confronting this kind of thing can be hard and ugly but if you really want to be happy, you may have to. To paraphrase Marion Solomon, when some people enter therapy they don’t really want to solve the problem, they want to become comfortable in their current pathology,
It’s not too great a stretch between worrying about reciprocation and a fear of abandonment.
Susan says
Now you’ve really hit on something I realized last week and talked to therapist about Friday. It hit me, overwhelmed me and I called for a special session. I realized that it defiantly relates to a childhood trauma relating to abandonment issues I’d addressed years ago. But the involvement with this man had/has for whatever reason caused me to ‘relapse’ 40 years later! Good Lord I never dreamed it could come up again….so it’s come back to ‘roost’…sorta makes me mad that I will have to do all this work again to get this bird out of my tree!
Scharnhorst says
When I have too much time on my hands, my mind starts to wander. It started wandering in the relationship between Attachment Theory and Limerence, specifically, can Limerence be explained in terms of Attachment Theory. At a superficial level, Attachment Theory supports Limerence pretty well. Take Tenov’s list of traits. How would Attachment Theory relate?
-Frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO), who is a potential sexual partner. – Establishing an attachment. How do I get and keep this person’s attention?
– An acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling. – Confirming/Validating a potential attachment (“Do They Like Me Too?)
– Exaggerated dependency of mood on LO’s actions: elation when sensing reciprocation, devastation when sensing disinterest. – Is the attachment thriving or being threatened.
– Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time. – Exclusivity of the attachment (?)
– Fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the LO. – Deriving pleasure from the attachment (Gotta think about something, after all)
– Insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, often manifesting in overt physical discomfort (sweating, stammering, racing heart). – Will your presence enhance or degrade the attachment.
– Intensification of feelings by adversity. – Protecting or strengthening the attachment
– An aching sensation in “the heart” when uncertainty is strong. – Another indicator of threat to the attachment. This can feel quite enlivening.
– A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. – An indicator of the overwhelming nature of the attachment (you are addicted to this person.)
– A remarkable ability to emphasize the positive features of the LO, and minimise, or empathise with, the negative. – Rationalization for establishing/maintaining the LE
– I would also add to Tennov’s list: a desire for exclusivity. – You don’t want anybody else to share the LO. This plays into jealousy. By definition, you can only be jealous of something you’ve laid claim to or attached to that’s being threatened by someone else.
Of my 4 LEs, I attached to 3 of the LOs. LO #3, offered no reciprocation, which offered no hope and consequently, I didn’t attach to her. So, for me, what distinguishes a PLO from an actual LO was whether I attached to her. This is consistent with no crystallization of the second phase of limerence.
This leads to the next question. Are some attachment styles more prone to limerence than others? If you take the two tribes, what are the attachment style profiles for each of them? Is the percentage of non-limerents with secure attachment styles more or less than the the percentage of limerents with secure attachment styles? Or, does it matter, at all?
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Sammy says
This is a very nice summary, Scharn. I wonder if any PLOs (or LOs) are actually put off by all the sweating and stammering that sometimes happens? (Assuming they notice such bodily reactions at all).
Rebecca says
What does PLO and LO stand for?
Scharnhorst says
LO – Limerent Object – The person or “object” of our affection.
PLO – Potential Limerent Object – Someone who catches your attention, i.e., shows “Glimmer” (https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-glimmer/) and starts you down the road to infatuation. (https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-three-phases-of-limerence/) They may or may not become full blown LOs depending on how things play out. (https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-definition-of-limerence/)
XLO/FLO – Ex/Former LO – Someone you were once in an LE with but no longer limerent for. You’re still a limerent just not for them.
There’s a glossary on the side of each blog.
Sammy says
“This leads to the next question. Are some attachment styles more prone to limerence than others?”
@Limerent Emeritus.
As an avoidant, I’m thinking I shouldn’t experience limerence at all! 😆
juli says
Wow, I never knew what the hell was wrong with me and why on earth I wasn’t able to love without being in so much emotional pain at the same time. Now I finally know that it was limerence of what I was suffering whenever I fell in love. Actually, I am going through a severe limerence episode right now and that’s why I started googling and FINALLY I found something that makes me feel a little less crazy. So thanks for that!
Tony says
Oh my God I just googled why was I suffering such intensity and obsessive intrusive thoughts while engaging in an affair with an entirely unsuited partner and even through long stretches of adversity.
None of it make sense to be and I am riddled with guilt shame as I actually really love my wife.
This is killing me with stress and anxiety and changed my whole personality. It has distracted me from my relationship, my work, my friendships and my grown family.
I’m 64 for gods sake
Isabel says
You just described me! Word for word!
I’m a 50 year old well adjusted person… except for… this! i love my husband BUT I can’t seem to stop this limerence despite all the therapy, EFT, meditation, running, etc.. This is so frustrating!
Reading your words helped me to feel not so alone in this struggle. Thank you for sharing!
Tony says
Oh my God I just googled why was I suffering such intensity and obsessive intrusive thoughts while engaging in an affair with an entirely unsuited partner and even through long stretches of adversity.
None of it make sense to be and I am riddled with guilt shame as I actually really love my wife.
This is killing me with stress and anxiety and changed my whole personality. It has distracted me from my relationship, my work, my friendships and my grown family.
I’m 64 for gods sake
Limerence Lawyer says
I am 40+ and never been married. I have the same problem. On and off over the past 15 years, I’ve been having an EO with my law partner, who is married. We met in law school and became inseparable. We started a firm out of law school but practiced from 2 different locations/separate states for 4 years. After that time he closed his office and moved his family to where my office was located. We know each other extremely well and get along better than either one of us would have ever imagined. We have an incredible relationship–better than most marriages and this is objectively observed by other people, who often just assume we are married. He is strong where I am weak, I am strong where he is weak. We have completely different skill sets and when we practice law we have a synergistic effect that is recognized by courts and our clients.
He became my LO a few months ago when he said he was going to leave me/leave our partnership due to extreme stress and depression. At first, I was just sad but was willing to let him go. He decided he couldn’t/wouldn’t go, and explained the same to his spouse. Needless to say, he made some commitments to me and we got rid of our partnership agreement and agreed if either left, the partner leaving would get nothing. One of the stipulations for him to stay put me in the office more, which I don’t like because I get nothing done, AND one of the reasons I practiced from home a great deal was so I didn’t see him every day, to avoid the situation in which I now find myself. Once I securely had him back I panicked–why then, I don’t know. I became obsessed with the thought of him leaving me. the Limerence started/came back from years ago, but this time it was incredibly strong. It’s so intrusive I have difficulty getting work done–work is stacking up. My emotional swings are horribly intense: from complete breakdowns where I will drink for two days straight, to complete serenity at making him happy, to intense sexual arousal by talking dirty with him/ flirting with him. I have never practiced law without him and I have no desire to ever do so. My life is my firm–so It’s not like I can just stay away from him. I just found out about the word “Limerence” yesterday and it fits to a “T.” I need help, but leaving him is not an option. Any advice?
Scharnhorst says
Given the personal and professional consequences of your situation, my recommendation is you look for a competent therapist to help you sort through all this.
One of the things to keep in mind if you see one is the question of whether you want real change in your life or do you want to become comfortable with things as they are. The therapist can do either.
Good luck!
T says
Omg, this site has been my pot of gold at the end of a very long and hard road and has literally saved my life. After four years of what I thought was a hard crush or possibly love for a coworker, I now realize I have been suffering from limerence. We’ve never spoken but knew we had a mutual attraction for one another and tfg I had the sense not to act as I cannot imagine what it would have done to my family life. I did tell my husband about my feelings for him, which in turn helped us sort out stuff that had been buried and it actually strengthened our marriage. What is simply maddening though are those intrusive thoughts which I treat like any other negative thoughts now and try to distract myself by doing something I enjoy. I still see this guy at work on occasion and sometimes I don’t care, where as at other times, I feel like I want to die. Its a merry-go-round that I can’t seem to get off of, and I think how in F is this still bothering me after 4 years?? Ahhh…limerence, that’s why. At least I know I’m not alone and not crazy, so thank you!
Lee says
May 2019 be a turning point for you! It sounds as though you’re spending more time off of that merry-go-round ride from hell than on it. That’s tremendous.
apnerve says
“a desire for exclusivity.” Spot on!
Monna says
So I have finally figured out what I have. After all of these years. It is such a relief yet annoying at the same time. Distraction. CBT and self talk about how it’s all in your heads has helped me.
Can someone answer this for me:
Why do I still have limberance for someone that I WONT ever see again and it’ll be a year since I last saw her yet she’s in my thoughts Dailey ? Long story short met her at work and while we never fully admitted feelings for one another, her behavior was indicative to me that she had feelings of some sort for me. After finally seeking help, and telling my pyschologist all of this, she too co concluded based on what I told her and our interactions, this woman probably did have feelings for me. It felt damn good to be reassured yet it was painful. I’ll never see her again, she moved out of state and while we do have a mutual acquaintance and she does have family here in this state, high probability I won’t ever see her again. Crazy part was that before I knew she had moved (found out through a former coworker) I kept having dreams of her at work and while I longed to see her face, I could never make it out. She always disappeared before I had a chance to see her face and then a few weeks after those dreams I find out she’s moving out of state.
Also, this woman has particular features that I find attractive and well went to see a doc for something and this doc with her hair looks like her. It did cause a trigger and it’s something I’m still sorting out. I realize I should switch doctors. I can separate the two and know they are NOT the same person. I also understand that had the doc ha a different hair style or color, i wouldn’t have thought much of it. But she reminded me so much of her that it caused triggers. it has gotten better but
why do I still think about her when I know I won’t see her ever again? Everything limberance describes I’ve had. It really is intoxicating.
Scharnhorst says
It might have something to do with this:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2019/02/sometimes-its-harder-getting-over-almosts-than-exes/
For me, it’s the difference between LO #2 and LO #4.
Moanna says
Yes! That’s it! Thank you for helping me
Understand WHY. It’s the whole closure. Never knowing but wondering. I kept assuming that in time we’d bump into each other here in the city through seredepity and sort this limberance out-ha! Now that she’s gone and moved away, I know I will truly never* know anything and yes it drives me crazy. I think my
pyschologist confirming the LO seemed attracted towards me based on her behavior through my observation is what drives me
To think about this/her ………..even though it is futile. I still long to see her face one more time. I still close my eyes and go back to when I noticed her noticing me. I have days where I do good and days where I don’t. It’s hitting me particularly hard because it’ll be a year in a few days since I last saw her. I hope she’s well whenever she is.
Victor Wilson says
Thank you for this site. It has been incredibly helpful to me in understanding the process of limerence and how it applied to my situation over the past year. I’m married, in my mid-50s and was the LO of a never married, forty-something woman who for several years has been dating another married man, who I know slightly. We met through a shared sports activity. After about six months she began to target me with a campaign of ever-more flirty texts, although in person she was always completely neutral. I realize now these mixed messages were a way of confusing and controlling me. After almost a year of being flattered and enchanted by her attentions I finally developed very strong feelings her – which I disclosed. On two occasions she propositioned me, both of which I rejected. Shortly afterwards she ghosted me and, infuriatingly, she then became my LO – a situation I have struggled with for eight months. I wasn’t ready to cheat on my wife, but I was addicted to the intoxication of her pursuit of me. Meditation and therapy have gotten me about 90% healed but I still feel ‘had’ and often wish I could get some kind of revenge. I know truly ‘letting go’ means letting go of a desire to get even, but I’m having a hard time doing that. Any advice?
Scharnhorst says
1. Living well is the best revenge.
2. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
3. There’s ALWAYS an unintended consequence.
Suzanne says
Hello
I have been held hostage by a lo who reeled me in similarly. Of course the lines are blurred and confusing yet your post made it clear to me the way that I am being taken by a coward. I’m not going to continue down the Limerence confusion road with the same lack of vision since your post. Thank you for describing it so accurately.
Victor Wilson says
Scharnhorst: I’ve been telling myself #1&2 for a while. But could you elaborate on unintended consequences. For her or for me?
Scharnhorst says
With respect to #3, if #1 & #2 don’t work and the cosmos gives you an opportunity, you may be tempted to take a shot at her. Some things are just too tempting to pass up. That shot comes with risk. You may think you know what the risk is but you don’t know for sure.
Many unintended consequences are also unforeseen consequences. But, not all of them are. For example, pregnancy may be an unintended consequence but it’s rarely (for adults) an unforeseen consequence. You’re married and she’s single. You carry the majority of downside risk. Piss her off and you may regret it.
Scharnhorst says
The next best thing to revenge is Schadenfreude. You get the enjoyment without the responsibility. There’s a little moral ambiguity around the concept but there’s a new book out that removes a lot of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5isHw02S0Cg
NosiphoT says
Oh wow! Tears in my eyes, but not crying. This is all too interesting. In high school, there was this guy who was in a relationship with this girl he “Loved”. I didn’t care about them. Saw him everyday, and I didn’t care, he was the most popular guy and the most popular couple in school, I never really cared about them or him for that matter while every other girl had a crush on him, even some of my friends. Then things changed in Grade 12 When after one hug and one compliment made him my what now I understand to be my “Luminent Object”. After that my “crush” never ended. After all that I started fantasizing about him, told myself he likes me too, ’cause eveytime we bumped into each other he’d hug me, only me, even when I was with other girls, my friends, who also had a crush on him , just me. I’ve always hated waking up in the morning, but he suddenly became a reason to wake everyday to go to school. I kid myself thinking he likes me too because of the exclusive devotion he gave to me. But nope, because he was still in his 4 year relationship with his girlfriend. Now, unlike before, I’m suddenly jealous of them. What frustrated me was that even after high school, I longed for his presence and the wondering if he likes me or not, felt really good for whatever apparent reason. After we wrote our last paper, I never ever saw him again, two years passed, but I still had colossal feelings for him, but the third year I finally accepted that I would never see him again. Because I never even bumped into him every time I passed by where he stayed. And I would purposely pass there just to get a hug from him, just a hug really, and the sight of his hazel eyes. But nooo, the universe does not want me to see him. I convinced myself there’s a higher power that doesn’t want me to him I swear, Everybody else I know sees him, telling me he gained weight, but nooo, not me. Wow. So I just said said OK universe, FINE! I got over him because you know, the universe is against it all. But then, day before yesterday, Literally. GUESS WHO I Saw! I had convinced myself that I’d never see him again, that when I saw him, it was like I saw someone being resurrected. 🙈The Hug! His eyes! His presence! His Hazel Eyes! And yes, he gained weight, but still handsome. Same calmness, same person! Wow! Everything rushed back so hard and fast . He even suggested that we should hang out😩. The joy! He’s all that’s in my mind now. Wuuuh! Dear Limerence. I’m glad I got to know that you exist, ’cause I knew this was no normal crush,’ cause I’ve had crushes before. They’re nothing like you Limerence. You are something else, you’re a paradox, something I hate that I love, because, I recently got to realize I have feelings for my best friend who’s also my brother’s best friend, but he was my friend first, I grew up with him , I like him a lot and it’s mutual, then you Limerence decided to return. Can the universe be more cruel. 🙈
Stuart Holding says
Limerence, a term I only came across in the last week even though it seemingly dates back to the late 70’s. I wonder why it’s not better known. For me, reading the symptom list has been an eye opener as I’ve been struggling with almost all of them since 1974. That’s 45 years now. Back in 1972 I met someone – call her S – on a university course in Wales and I knew from the beginning that this was it. We had a perfectly normal relationship for 18 months or so until she met (and eventually married) someone else but for me its ending was catastrophic. From that day to this I’ve struggled with the fallout and continuously experienced just about (but not all) of the symptoms on the limerence list. In all that time I’ve seen her just once – by accident and under circumstances where I couldn’t make contact. That was about 5 yrs ago. In my case though the usual advice of cutting yourself off from the person didn’t seem to make much difference. There was a 40yr gap from 1974 and it made no difference at all.
If you put together all the individual symptoms / desires etc that characterise limerence and counteract them with a desire /respect that she should be allowed to live her life in her own way you can imagine the conflicts that rage inside my head constantly. But there doesn’t seem to be any help available in any shape or form. I’ve been put on anti depressants several times and they make no difference. The connection with OCD is interesting because, believe me, I am the least OCD person you’ll ever meet but when, after the episode 5yrs ago, I sought out a private councillor I was diagnosed as suffering from PTSD. Limerence though seems to be a much closer fit.
Over the decades I’ve tried every thing I could think of to recover. I’ve had a number of other relationships and when they ended – including a marriage that failed – the grieving process has followed the usual pattern. It’s only S that retains that hold upon me. The fact that I sit here now in 2019 and write this is symptomatic of how much it still affects me. I’ve tried everything I can think of to improve things – some years ago I even wrote a book about the episode in the hope that it might be cathartic in a kind of Picture of Dorian Gray sense but it was the opposite. It brought it all back so strongly I felt suicidal for quite some time – and I don’t use those words lightly. I showed the book to two good friends who had no idea about my feelings. One no longer talks to me and the other has never mentioned it since even though he knew S back in the 70’s.
I’m not sure there’s anywhere to go at all now. Professional help here in the UK is non existent both from a resource perspective as well as limerence being a recognised condition. My life will most likely just continue on in its tortured form but, bizarrely, if you asked me whether I’d have preferred never to have met her the answer would be no. Those 18 months were worth living even if I’ve been paying for it ever since. Her life does seem to have gone well since and that’s something to be happy about.
Vincent says
Stuart,
That’s heartbreaking and I empathise greatly. The first part of your story is just like mine with my original LO. We broke up, I was devastated and had all the symptoms of what I now know is limerence. Like you it then had an effect on all of my future relationships, who simply couldn’t compare to this idol. Mine dulled enough for me to find someone amazing and whom I married, but I always had this sense of LO being the one that got away.
A funny thing then happened 20 years later, we got back in contact (her doing), we met up a few times, got on well and it was like old times. She was beautiful and funny and the memories came flooding back, but the reality didn’t match the fantasy. She was normal, not perfect. We actually got into deep conversation and she ultimately admitted she was wrong to finish with me and choose the other guy. My limerence then just disappeared. A bubble popped. It was what I always wanted to hear. Now unfortunately that opened me up to transference to another, younger LO almost immediately, which is another story but hearing that freed me of this burden is been carrying for two decades.
So what I’m saying is you need to see she isn’t perfect. Have you read High Fidelity by Nick Hornby? I like the part where he goes back to see old girlfriends and realises they weren’t special. I wonder if that would do you good? Can you get back in contact, meet for a coffee? It might be the shot of reality you need to finally move on…
drlimerence says
Hi Stuart, and welcome.
40 years of no contact, but still bewitched by your LO is quite something. I agree with Vincent that the heart of the issue is tackling the idealisation. No human is really that extraordinary – or at least it’s our own minds and own emotional yearning that makes them so. Were you limerent for her during the relationship? If so, that could be a big part of it, if the limerence never burned itself out, and so you were left with the agony of feeling that the ecstatic union had been broken against your will. No other subsequent relationship could compare.
It’s going to be a tough nut to crack. Four decades of idealisation will be very deeply ingrained. It may be that learning about limerence, starting to recognise that this is our own psychology stuck in an unhealthy reinforcement loop, and looking for better life goals can make a good start, though.
Wishing you all the best.
Nika says
I really wonder why you never told her!
Berty says
Hi Stuart,
So sorry to read your story. Would you consider taking the wonderful course that Dr. L put together – Emergency Deprogramming? Here is the link: https://courses.livingwithlimerence.com/courses/emergency-deprogramming-course. It is well worth the modest course fee and the investment of time. It is very thoroughly and thoughtfully laid out, alternating good background knowledge and action steps. He generously set it up so that you can go back and revisit it indefinitely. It’s not an instant cure, but just embarking on the path he presents is very uplifting and motivating.
Best of luck!
Berty says
Dr. L,
Could you put a link to this on your home page? I had to root around the site to find it. It would be great if more people could benefit from it!
drlimerence says
Thanks Berty. Yes, that probably is a good idea, isn’t it? D’Oh!
I’ll sort something out asap. A “resources” page is long overdue.
Fred says
Thank you Dr L for this site! I did run into the term “limerence” when googling my affliction and have bought and am reading Dr. Tennov’s book. But your site is very hands-on and practical in getting out of the limerant state and for that, I thank you.
To add my stories to others, I am a 40+ married man who recently fell in love / limerence with a new colleague 20 years my junior. She certainly encouraged my infatuation, flirting and texting with me evenings and weekends. It all culminated in a date where we both snuck out of the office a few minutes apart. An hour or so into the date, I worked up the nerve to kiss her and it was wonderful. All my insecurities were swept away as we continued to make out at the restaurant and back to her building, where she just stopped short of inviting me in. We shared a few private moments, kisses and fondling in the office in the week after including a very passionate lunch and car ride, but then everything ground to a halt. Her texts dried up, she never wanted to plan any more time together and cancelled several dates or plans I’d made.
Over the course of this summer, the feeling I now know as limerence has been building. I’ve been irritable, depressed, withdrawn from my family and derive no pleasure from activities I usually enjoy. When I text her, I am on edge until she replies and when she doesn’t, I’m destroyed. I can soothe myself by remembering our moments together and fantasising how she will reciprocate. A week ago today, she texted me and said she’s now serious about someone else and that’s why she isn’t responding. I came back to the office and tried to talk but she didn’t see the point or why I was so distraught: “It’s all in your head. We can still be BFFs in the office.”
I’m now in therapy and my therapist is very supportive and has asked me to stop all contact, unfollow her on social media, stop texting. My LO is on vacation two weeks so I feel I have a little time to develop strategies. Any help you can provide would be much appreciated.
Finally, does my experience really qualify as “limerence” given that I’ve actually received (wonderful!) reciprocation? It was only after it petered out that I’ve become distraught and depressed. But I was always obsessed…
Mody says
Hii Fred
How it was going ? Could you update us after 5 years now ?
I'm a girl says
It’s been wonderful to see you all and read you all. I was one of the people who had never heard of this word Limerence until a few days ago – and now I am armed to deal with a couple of my living demons, no contact, no problem. I see/appreciate that it is harder for a lot of people than it is for me now that I find the instruction, NC.
I love the acronyms too.
I’m not one to share much, I want to say thank you to everyone I have read.
GaydarRaydar says
I met her about two months ago. It was one of those first eye contact and we were both interested. But we were unable to interact much that day other than being introduced, so after that I wrote off the meeting because it was unlikely we’d meet again. We connected unexpectedly a month later and we’ve been out on 3-4 great dates since. She was not what I expected and, frustratingly, I keep losing my cool around her. I get nervous and ramble and she’s relentless with her questions. Usually it’s me doing the questioning. I don’t like losing my control around her.
She says we’re at least friends, if nothing else, after our second date. She asks me what I want out of relationships. I’m in an open relationship and she doesn’t want that, which (I think) made her distance herself. I do think she likes me but doesn’t want to date me. Our dates/hangs are awesome. We’re really comfortable around each other and have a great time. But we stop short of asking the other for more at the end of the dates.
I recently told her over text I like her and if I didn’t have a partner, I’d want to date her. But that I’m also okay being friends. She replied with a smiley and asked to hang out soon. I wish I didn’t say that we could be friends, because I don’t think friendship is healthy for me. I’m quite infatuated and want this to stop but I can’t seem to cut this cord.
Anonymous says
The part about the involuntary nature of limerence has me waving my arms around in the air like a madwoman and chanting “Exactly! Exactly! Exactly!”. I just learned about the term a couple hours ago
Cassie says
I’m so relieved to finally name one of my conditions. I have been having LOs very regularly since I was about 11 years old (ain’t puberty a bitch!) They’re all unobtainable (in relationships/married but display traits I find very attractive).
I got together with one of my past LOs ….only to discover he was in a committed relationship and only wanted sex with me. I cut ties as it wasn’t healthy at all and not what I wanted.
Even now, fairly happily married, I still have an LO at work. It’s never going to happen, we’re both married with kids and I can’t actually even speak normally with him when we’re one-to-one. The rational part of my brain states that I’d never want to risk my marriage but my mind and body! This is powerful stuff but knowing what it is helps me to have control of it.
SimonB says
Like many who first time post i was amazed to find this website. I had no idea of limerence or the concept behind it but now i know I’ve been like this since I was 16…with a massive gap from 2001 – 2019.. I’m now 46 married to SO for 16 years and I’d still say we are happy but just a bit distant. The return of limerence i can pinpoint on a few things. I became convinced that SO was having an affair with a mutual friend. I know think they are having an EA without the physical but who knows. Then a friend at work I’d known for 6 odd years became a closer friend. She confided in me – she had a significant family tragedy 5 years ago which took place at Christmas and she can’t shake it. Anyway one night she rang me in the middle of the night and even though i saw it u left it as i couldn’t work out how to tell SO why a woman was ringing me at 3am. They had met a few times but it was still weird. Then in the morning it was like flicking a switch. What if she’d done something stupid and i was her last call? Feelings flooded from everywhere as strong as anything since first flush with SO.
That was three months ago and she became my LO. She has i think no idea but I’m not 100% on that as i think she might be trying to distance herself now. She’s cancelled a few arrangements lately and each one cuts me to the core. The initial elation was a wonderful thing i felt 26 not 46. As others say the joy when with a happy LO when you think you are making a difference to her is insane. In fact it’s all insane. I’d just forgotten over all the years. I realise already that she isn’t the person i thought she was but the urge to message her is still so strong and unbidden thoughts are there nearly all the time. The what’s app ratio is probs 4 or 5 times me to her which says it all. Thanks to this site i know I’m not alone so thank you all.
Anthony Analetto says
I’ve been fighting with terms trying to best describe my feelings on certain matters. Favorite Person is one that I thought fit nicely but limerence seems to fit much better. To a lesser extent the chemical release and happy feeling you get with this is something I have experienced for 20 years with my wife. Its like getting intoxicated off of someone’s presence. However the full blown effects of the rest of this has been going on for 3 years now with someone else. It is very much something I enjoy and try to maintain. The relationship just feels more alive while it’s going on and i feel a disconnect when it goes away.
I'm Taken says
Unfortunately I’ve just experienced these feelings for my therapist, so I can’t go to him for help… I’m attractive (some might say I’m beautiful) and although 68 look about 48. The obsessive thoughts and sexual fantasies are continuous even though I want them to stop. I fantasise about being with him in all kinds of situations. I’m married but it is non-sexual – more like a brother/sister relationship though not initially. Now spend all my time thinking about my therapist. He is married. I know it is detrimental but I can’t seem to stop it. I am a writer and painter and am spending no time on this, but all my time on my fantasies of him. I have finished my therapy with him but am even devising ways I can go and see him again and seduce him. I did get the feeling he liked me, but have probably blown this out of all proportion. This feeling didn’t develop in therapy, but after it stopped. I wish it would stop…
Scharnhorst says
Have you read: https://livingwithlimerence.com/2019/03/02/case-study-limerence-for-a-therapist/ ?
I'm Taken says
Thank you for your helpful link.
I'm Taken says
I also thought – is this Erotic Transference or Limerence? Never experienced the intensity of feelings for someone like this and I’m going to have to set up a plan of recovery. At the end of my last therapy session my therapist did say keep in touch by email and that it was a pleasure meeting and working with me. I think this was the trigger for me to see him as an LO.
As a writer I have been writing about my feelings in a short story (entitled Transference!) and in my journal and dream diary, which has helped. I have also been having very vivid symbolic dreams, which point to my subconscious having to deal with these feelings.
Scharnhorst says
Next link: https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/04/08/limerence-dreams/
Only about 1/2-2/3 of the blogs now appear in the list of most articles. To get to them all, you have to go to the blog page, scroll down a ways, until you find the page list. Then you can go to page 28 and work your way forward. Some of his best stuff is in the early blogs.
I keep pestering DrL to set up a master index…
drlimerence says
It’s on the snagging list, Scharnhorst! I had a crack at it a while ago and it turned out to be surprisingly difficult to implement. Tried the standard archive page, which was ugly, hard to configure, and shows everything (including lots of backend and dead pages), and a couple of archive plugins that didn’t play nicely with the theme.
If anyone can recommend a good archive page plugin for WordPress running Genesis, let me know!
I'm Taken says
Just found the Blog – thanks. Reading ‘The Psychological Appeal of Giving In’ – sounds good (and unfortunately very sexy) to me…
The last sentences of my short story ‘Transference’ are:
“I’m probably a psychological minefield. How do you go on? How do you continue with feelings like this? You have to deal with them and pick your steps very carefully across that minefield…”
Scharnhorst says
Song of the Day: “Fortress Around Your Heart” – Sting (1985)
Were you listening to this as you wrote it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSrSI0bN_t8
“I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I’d laid”
I was in the Navy so I’m more partial to naval mines…
I'm Taken says
No, but just listened to The Police track and it’s very limerence…
I find listening to Gary Moore at an excessively high volume helps, although the theme of his brilliant songs/guitar playing in ‘Still Got the Blues for You’ and ‘Still in Love with You’ don’t help.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O_YMLDvvnw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2ffgZOab2k
Scharnhorst says
I like those!!!
I'm Taken says
Brilliant, haunting blues music, isn’t it? When you love someone & can’t be with them… music is so emotive and evocative.
Scharnhorst says
DrL dedicated a whole blog to it.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/2017/05/14/limerence-music/
But, the blog fell out of favor when he ported over to a new site and the videos didn’t directly embed anymore. So, what few of us post music, usually do it in the applicable blog now.
I already bought those songs on Amazon.
I'm Taken says
There’s loads more Gary Moore brilliance with ‘I’ll Love You More than You’ll Ever Know’ and ‘Separate Ways’, which keeps echoing ‘Is it time to go our separate ways?’ Which you would easily do if you weren’t limerant!
I'm Taken says
I mean limerent…
ParadoxHighway says
Hi Taken,
Knowing them first, and for some period of time, seems to be a common thread among us. Then – bam! – one day they produce a biochemistry of joy for you that is like nothing else. You are wise to go “no contact.” I have a married friend who took a different fork in the road with her therapist and it went nuclear for all concerned. Hang in there.
I'm Taken says
Hi Paradox Highway~
Thank you for your reply. You are very wise and I’m sure it would be disastrous if I did try and see him again, much as I would love to. But I know I’m still keeping that link going, much as I shouldn’t, as he has read some things of mine & liked them. I gave him something longer to read and he is getting back to me about it. All the things I do are solitary – writing, painting, reading etc – so I’m always confronting my thoughts. Difficult, but today felt a bit better about it especially after finding this website & knowing other people go through this too.
drlimerence says
Hi I’m Taken, and welcome.
Scharnhorst has done a great job of pointing you to Case study on this. Dorothy Tennov was very hostile about psychoanalysis, and felt that transference was disastrous for limerents. It is a context in which emotional connection and bonding is likely, and the patient is also likely to be physiologically aroused (by the emotional significance of the situation). It would be a crucible for limerence if you are sexually attracted to the therapist…
Sammy says
This is an interesting point. Maybe limerents, if in therapy, should pick a therapist of the non-preferred sex? Or at least a therapist who is a different sex to the sex of the LO? E.g. a straight man should talk to a man, a gay man to a woman, a straight woman to a woman, etc.
Emma says
Sammy, I started therapy in April (online), and I have to admit I can see myself become a bit attracted by my therapist. I don’t believe I am, or at least not to the point of it being a risk. But if it was becoming risky, what could I do? Change therapist and start it all over once again?
I'm Taken says
Hi Dr L~
Firstly can I just say how glad I am I found this website and all the information it affords about Limerence, which I had never heard of a few days ago. It has stopped me feeling too crazy, so thank you for it and all the people who have left such interesting and insightful comments.
I am just posting below an edited version of a short story I have written about these feelings about my therapist as I think it shows that limerence was ignited then. I have always felt very passionately about the men I have met in my life, but never like this. During my marriage I have never been unfaithful even though I have had quite a few offers for affairs! And let’s face it, limerence is an emotional and spiritual unfaithfulness; it is a betrayal of the mind.
TRANSFERENCE
My hypnotherapist is lovely and I adore him. He’s a really genuine nice man, who wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I think about him all the time. He is caring, he understands me and led me out with gentleness, compassion and empathy from my hiding place where I wanted to stay, like a cat hiding under her bed until feeling secure. I love him.
I am lovely too and am sure he loves me in his caring therapeutic way. I am quite sure I could seduce him and he could seduce me (I’m yours if you just say the word!), but I care too much about him and would never take that step, would I? I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I’ve transferred all these loving feelings I have onto him and know this is an idealised state, but it helps me heal and as Freud wrote to Jung, “Psychoanalysis (any therapy) is in essence a cure by love.”
Love is all things – it carries so many nuances and meanings. It can be compassionate loving kindness, a fountain of creativity, shared laughs and smiles, hope, yearning and longing, thinking deeply about someone, it can be terribly painful and sad, and love can be erotic and passionate desire. It all comes down to love. I have written a novel for adults recently and the main theme is love is the only currency here on earth and in the spiritual world.
I think about him all the time and often these feelings are erotic. My therapy has ended and suddenly I am heart-broken. I would love to keep seeing him, but I know that unless you put a definite end to it therapy it can just go on and on. I wish it had. I felt as though he ‘beheld’ me – he saw me as I truly was with openness, acceptance and unconditional love and that is healing in itself. One thing you learn in life is to be yourself – everyone else is taken. Also you learn to deal with your emotions.
My emotions have always been a roller-coaster ride. When I was younger these ups and downs were quite dramatic and emphasised, but as I have got older they have evened out somewhat to an undulation though events can still throw me out of whack. And it was when I was thrown off balance recently that I knew I needed to see someone, to have help over that hurdle holding me back and causing me pain.
This is where Gary Moore comes into his own. Listening to his fantastic guitar playing and singing ‘Still in Love with You’ and ‘Still Got the Blues for You’ at an excessively high volume seems to help… He was born on the same day and year as I was– so I feel an extra connection to him and his music. Sadly he died far too young at the age of 58 in 2011.
So it was recently due to certain events in my life my anxiety levels were sky-high. I did not like myself. I felt ill, I felt sick, I felt awful. I have M.E. Again that body/mind connection was exhibiting itself in strong physical symptoms. I decided to get some help and to try hypnotherapy, which I have had before with beneficial results. I went online and found two hypnotists. I rang one, but that seemed a no-go as she sniffed constantly and seemed very distant. She also wasn’t open to me visiting her to see if I felt OK with her. With the second I arranged for a preliminary meeting to ask questions and see if I wanted to continue. Immediately I felt he was the right person to see and I have derived so much benefit from his specially tailored therapy. His talking before the hypnotherapy dealt with issues that came up and I found him so astute about what exactly was causing me problems.
After therapy I like myself again. I have been afforded more insights into my psyche. I have also felt much more positive and have more energy. I found his guided ‘nature’ meditations so creative and beautiful. In the last session I had with him, I was saying I seemed to have more anxieties over small things rather than big issues. He asked me what anxieties I had at the moment and I couldn’t think of any! Which is a very positive sign.
But now in the afterglow, I miss seeing him so much. I yearn for him. My eyes are filling with tears writing this and listening to emotive Gary Moore sing passionately and play his guitar with brilliance, but you can never cross that line, can you? That special line drawn between therapist and client. That line defines healing and love. I sometimes wonder if I have known him in a past life as my feelings are extremely strong for him.
I’m probably a psychological minefield… How do you go on? How do you continue with feelings like this? You have to deal with them and pick your steps very carefully across that minefield…
Scharnhorst says
Song of the Day: “Separate Ways” – Gary Moore (19920
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU-TW8NVIm0
In June of 1987, I could have written this. I asked LO #2 if she wanted to get back together. She declined and said she was going to make it work with my successor. I flat out asked her, “Then, what do you want from me?” She came back with:
“I just want to stop feeling miserable all the time.” Notice, that was a response, not an answer. I asked her that question again a few months later. I didn’t get an answer then, either.
“I’m probably a psychological minefield… How do you go on? How do you continue with feelings like this? You have to deal with them and pick your steps very carefully across that minefield…”
Step 1 is stop listening to Gary Moore. This guy’s dangerous for limerents. When you realize you really are in a minefield, you need to stop indulging yourself. Get out of the the minefield and then you can worry about how you got there and what to do about the mines you left behind.
Poke around here long enough and you’ll come across a few blogs that talk about harnessing limerence and making it work for you. At it’s best, it’s like being on nitrous oxide. Too little and you don’t get the buzz. Too much and you get nauseated. But, at the right dose, the buzz can be pretty good. I tried it and it worked for awhile but ultimately it’s a lousy long-term strategy for mood management and it became unmanageable. And, just like any other mood-altering device, it can lead to some really bad judgment calls. I wasn’t able to do it but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
Some of you may remember this. Substitute “Limerence” for “Drugs.”
“This is your brain in limerence….”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOnENVylxPI
I'm Taken says
Thank you, Sharnhorst, for your interesting and illuminating reply. I think you are quite right that Gary Moore’s music is indulgent & perhaps dangerous for limerents, but so is a lot of other music. I love all types of music, but his just seems to resonate with me at the moment, because I feel so despairing/blue/down/upset at how I feel.
But I am doing something about all this. I have signed up for Dr L’s Fast Track for Freedom email course. I have read quite a few of the Blogs that point to harnessing limerence. I have read a lot of people’s comments and realise what a struggle it can be. I am planning to recover from this. Don’t forget, I’ve only just found out what limerence was a day ago, so I’m new to it and the powerful emotions it engenders are difficult to navigate. I’m emotional at the best of times and this isn’t the best of times. I’m trying to find a way forward. Being creative and expressing myself is one way I can tackle it. Listening to music takes you out of yourself too. I don’t want to wallow in my feelings, I just want understand them and then develop a strategy for recovery. I feel like a new student here, whereas you sound like an old master perhaps getting a bit impatient with his protege!!!
I'm Taken says
Must say when I want soporific I like Enya!
I'm Taken says
Sorry – spelt your name wrongly – should be Scharnhorst.
Kent says
FINALLY! After almost 2 years, I can finally put a name on this living nightmare I’ve found myself in! I am a police officer, married with three children. In my 18 years on the force, I’ve made over 20 death notifications to family members, all of the deaths except one were from traffic crashes. After each notification, and sharing with the families the trauma that death causes, be it a spouse or child or parent, I would leave each residence with nagging questions in my mind…”what if that were me? What if someone tomorrow comes up to my door and tells me that my wife has been killed in a crash? What would I do? Would I re-marry?” As I would go through that thought pattern, I would always think about this ONE person that I would probably attempt to date, someone I don’t really know at all. An acquaintance only. She is single, attractive, and only 10 years younger than me. Normally these thoughts only would last 30 minutes to an hour and then they were gone. However, almost 2 years ago, I transferred to a new duty station. This area is where my LO grew up in and where her parents still live. I didn’t give a second thought about that fact when I transferred there! But every day as I started patrolling the roads, my mind would start thinking about her. All of the thoughts were in the context of my wife having been recently killed in a crash. It grew and grew and grew until within 3 months, I can honestly say, without exaggerating, 55-56 minutes of every waking hour I thought about her. It began to drive me insane. It was nothing sexual, but just living life with her, fixing her car, working on her house, paying bills with her, shopping with her, etc. It was debilitating. I soon became an emotional mess, crying spells 3-4 times an hour for 3 months. Christmas of 2018 is only a blur in my mind. I went to see a counselor who said I needed to get to know her and become friends with her so I could see the negative aspects of her. Well, I only see her once a year, so when I saw her last summer, I did try to get to know her. BACKFIRED! Ever since that week, I constantly replay in my mind every word she said, every smile, every look, every gesture…sigh. Now, I’m desperate. I’ve GOT to get her out of my head! Now as I patrol the roads, I see her in every car that passes me. I see her on every house porch waving to me as I’m “Coming home from work”. Every car I stop, I wonder, “could this be her?” I patrol the areas where her parents live hoping she’s home to visit them! Ahhhh! I hate it! I know NC is the answer, but I hardly know her and only see her once a year, at a week long church camp for youth. She is a camp team counselor and my wife and I cook for the campers. So I see her three times a day in the cafeteria line (I know, that’s weird). I don’t want to stop going to camp just because she’s going to be there. She’s a very moral person so I know she’d be horrified if she knew this was going on. Can this be related to a fear of death that my wife is going to die in a crash, and my mind is just getting ready for that to happen? Back when this first started, I was so convinced my wife was going to die in a crash, I actually became frustrated when it wasn’t happening soon enough! I felt so guilty, and I don’t want my SO to die. So many confusing thoughts.
Allie says
Hi Kent. You have certainly found the right place to find help and refuge from the addictive, intrusive, confusing, mind altering state that is limerence. There are so many great resources on this site and you are certainly not alone in how you feel. I am horrified at the advice your therapist gave – could not have been less helpful – obviously a non-limerent! It sounds like rumination is central to your struggle – me too. The emergency deprogramming course has some great techniques to help with this – I highly recommend it. Please don’t judge yourself harshly – thoughts start off being involuntary – it is your intentions and actions that define you, not your thoughts.
Kent says
Thanks Allie, I did see the course that’s offered and I’m seriously considering taking it. This just has to stop! 20 months is long enough! I really hate it too because I’ve always liked my LO way before she became my LO. She’s a nice person and I had it that it has to come to this, but whatever it takes, that’s what I’m going to have to do. On my wife dying, when this all started and my wife were trying to figure it all out, she said to me in a half-joking manner, “I bet you just want me to die.” and then smiled as a joke…but immediately I broke into uncontrolled sobbing and held her and told her I DID NOT want her to die! And …if my wife ever DOES die…my world is going to turn upside down! That better not ever happen! LOL! Thanks for your comments.
drlimerence says
Hi Kent, and welcome.
It does sound like No Contact would not have the same impact for you as for other limerents, given how rarely you meet your LO. The fact that she is dominating your mind so profoundly without regular contact suggests that she is fulfilling some sort of archetypal role in your mind. As though you are craving something that she represents for you – some kind of feminine ideal, maybe. Also it is very interesting that your limerence was triggered (at least in part) by rumination about loss of your wife, and most of your daydreams are based around playing a protector role for LO, rather than more lusty fantasies.
It does seem that your situation has emerged from deeper psychological triggers, rather than simple proximity to an LO you find very attractive. As Allie says, there are lots of resources here and lots of wisdom in the community of commentators.
I’d also agree that a new counsellor would be worth trying…
Kent says
Thank you so much for your comments Dr. L. There’s a free three day seminar coming up that deals with “Post Critical Incident Stress” or PCIS. They are telling me that this could be a result of PCIS from my job. They use EMDR and counselors, and group therapy. I will see what happens there. Maybe that will help. One person suggested I transfer away from this duty post if the area is what triggers me…I would hate that, but I guess that might be a must. This just blows my mind that this can be happening to me! And I hate reading these stories of it lasting years and years, or transferring to a new LO! This has to stop and not happen again!!
Bert says
Hi Kent,
It doesn’t have to last years. And if you follow the advice here, it does get better.
My LO is a client that I haven’t seen for 12 months and I purposely experienced complete no contact since July, up until two weeks ago. (I had a short business email exchange and it went fine).
I followed every bit of advice here as best as I could, took the Emergency Deprogramming course (I agree with Allie, it is very good). There are lots of good actions steps and positive things to do in it, and it is much better to do something proactive, rather than just waiting for the LE to just fade away.From past experience, it does fade, and LOs can be eventually completely forgotten (I know that seems hard to believe at the moment).
I explored the archetype concept that Dr. L mentioned and found I didn’t have to dig too deep (it was kind of shallow, just below the surface and kind of ordinary, really), and that helped a lot. When we realize so much of limerence is caused by how we are wired, then we just have to roll up our sleeves and do the work to rewire. But it is work, and the first part is really hard. It gets progressively easiler though.
I am happy to report I am 90% percent out the other side, and have been almost back to normal for many months now. It just takes dedicated work and not giving up. Having encouragement and unjudgemental support here is very helpful.
Good luck! You can do it! If you can do your job as you describe it, you can definitely do this. Your therapy offer sounds great. Often times LEs start at a time of stress, grief and loss (my weak point), so shoreing yourself up can only help. And just having the support from good (better!) counselors should help.
Take care and take heart!
Bert says
Easier, not easiler!
Kent says
Thanks for that comment Dr L. I value your insight. I am going to take the emergency deprogramming course, but I have a question that has come up in my mind today. All day I have found myself very angry at LO for an incident that happened last summer at the camp in which she made me feel very embarrased. Regardless of the incident, this “anger” has been eating me up all day. I’m just very angry at her. Is this a good thing to encourage since I’m not having “longing” thoughts of her? Or is the mere fact that I’m thinking about her all day a bad thing? I just don’t know where to go with this trend. Any thoughts would help.
Allie says
In my experience building an association between LO and negative emotions like embarrassment and shame is helpful. Try to really soak yourself in those feelings when you think about LO – direct you mind to those types of thoughts whenever you notice yourself think about her. For me this cools my limerence.
Sarah says
Kent, I’ve gone through the anger phase as well, for me it was a necessary step to go through to get over LO.
Every time I thought about LO, that anger would come up. It eventually got less and less though, until it wasn’t the first sentiment that boiled up in me anymore when I thought of LO.
I think it’s almost like a correction on the spectrum of feelings towards LO. I wish I could draw a picture, but I hope this is understandable: First, you are all positive about LO, then the pendulum swings to the other side where all the negative emotions are. Maybe it swings back to the positive side in between (getting a hit from LO interaction or rumination, etc), but you are now more on the negative side. Until eventually, the pendulum will swing around the neutral spot in the middle. You may have a few positive or negative feelings going forward, but nowhere near as strong as they used to be.
drlimerence says
Anger is useful in the short term, Kent, for sure. As Allie and Sarah say, it is a good counterbalance to the idealisation – when giving in to rumination, remind yourself that interactions with LO can make you feel awful, and that is something you will escape when you free yourself of the compulsion.
That said, it’s not a long-term solution. You don’t want to flip from “she’s wonderful” to “she’s horrible”. Neither are a healthy view.
So, useful as a short-term reprogramming device, but it shouldn’t be cultivated in the long term.
Kent says
Dr. L, Allie, Sarah, you all do not realize (ok, maybe you do) how much your comments mean to me right now. I am hanging on your every words! In the past, all these ideas just ran around in my mind like dogs chasing cats in a cage. Now, you are all helping me to find the answers. Thank you all so much. Ok, I understand what each of you said, and they all make sense. Anger is a valuable step, and I’m going to let it go as far as I can, but realize it’s not the end of the battle. I will proceed with the course and keep reading. I bought your book and it’s on the way to me right now Dr. L, and I downloaded the quick guide and am reading that bit by bit every day. I feel like I’m trudging through mud, but at least I’m getting somewhere finally! Thanks again!
Lee-Anne says
Kent, I too have felt anger towards my LO for some of his recent behaviour. I swing quite violently from anger to adoration and it’s exhausting, I dissect conversations I’ve had with him obsessively. I think of what he said, what I could’ve said or what I would say when I see him next. I know it’s just my mind processing things, but I wish it would go away.
I’ve been Limerent for him for almost 3 yrs and he’s my 1st LE, hopefully my last.
Kent says
Thanks for your comment Lee Anne. Now, I’m really going through mood swings. Today I’m just angry at the whole thing. Angry at myself, angry at this mess, angry that I have to go through this, just angry. But as I’ve read more, and I finished the Fast Track to Freedom guide yesterday, I’ve come to a realization. Back when this all started, when I first became Limerent, it was when my wife and I had a big falling out and I told her I was sick of how our marriage was, and she told me she hadn’t been attracted to me since we were married 22 years ago. The Limerence issue has made our marriage better, but now that I’m facing this issue and attacking it head-on, I’m feeling the same feelings I did then. I feel so lonely even though married. I think I’m reverting back to where I was right when this started. I guess it’s a good thing in a way, but I’m going to have to figure out what to do because last night I was beginning to think Limerence is better than feeling unwanted by my wife? I know that’s not right logically, but I don’t want to fall for that trick again. What a mess! Maybe we just need marriage counseling, but the last time we tried that, the counselor told us we were smart enough to figure it out and didn’t need a counselor. So much for that!
Vicarious Limerent says
@ Kent: I can relate to feeling lonely even while married. Aside from issues of limerence and attraction, we cannot possibly have all of our needs met from our spouse or partner. We need other people in our lives. Before (and during) my LE, I Googled “married but lonely” several times. I wanted to find out if this type of feeling was “normal,” but all I seemed to get were hits on Ashley Madison and information about affairs. For me, “lonely” truly wasn’t a euphemism for looking for an affair, but rather that I needed fun, friendship, companionship and people to talk to and confide in. My wife and I have very different interests and backgrounds, and our schedules are often so incompatible with her working nights (including most weekends). I was getting tired of being at home every Friday and Saturday night, when our daughter is now old enough to look after herself for a few hours, and we live in a safe middle class neighbourhood and have a large dog. I joined some Meetup groups and I really found that helped me to meet new people. Despite having family and friends, no one seemed to want to actually go out or do anything, and many of the people I know live far away. I needed people in my local area. Once this pandemic lifts, I am going to resume my social life with some of those folks I met. I believe this will help my limerence by allowing me to focus on having a social life.
Even though my wife wasn’t keen on my newfound social life, she now realizes she isn’t going to stop me and that this is important to me. I am insisting on it. Still, I need to find some shared activities my wife and I do together because I don’t believe in having a marriage where we basically lead completely separate lives. What is the point in that? I have known married couples who don’t even go on vacation together. While I think that’s alright once in a while, if all of your vacations are spent without your spouse or partner, that is a bad sign. We need our own friends and family, and our spouses cannot give us everything we need in life, but there is also something wrong if you never do fun and interesting things with your spouse or they are never your go-to person when you want to share good news or confide in someone.
Emma says
@VL, once again so similar to my marriage situation! I’m feeling lonely too. We have very different interests too. I’m a lot withdrawn “in my mind”, because I’m not satisfied with daily home life. I’m also in need of going out much more than my SO. He loves to party, but for him it’s inviting friends over (or going to their place), he’s not a big fan of restaurants and cafes. He also doesn’t like “my friends”, the friends I hang out with amongst which my LO.
At the moment we’re doing fine together, because of the lockdown I’m home all the time!! But I feel like he’s only happy with me as long as I follow his expectations. I feel like I’m not allowed to be myself, hence the loneliness.
We need to work on our marriage but I feel the need for a counselor and he’s not eager.
We should probably move this conversation to a more appropriate blog post page, sorry.
Vicarious Limerent says
@ Emma: Maybe we should hang out together! 🙂
I think it is fine to carry on this conversation here. We need separate interests and our own friends, but we also need something we do with our spouses that is fun and exciting. For me it was travel, but even on vacations, we tend not to do that much together, with my wife basically sitting on the sidelines while I have fun, usually with my daughter. She also hates bars, nightclubs, beer festivals and most live music, while I thrive on those things. I feel like we are moving in completely opposite directions. It concerns me how she seems to be giving into the aging process these days, while I intend to fight it every step of the way. Age is just a number, but she seems to be very concerned about what people “our age” are doing. I am also concerned with her becoming lazier and overeating, while I have an increased focus on exercise and weight loss. Part of the problem is I am in the middle of an actual midlife crisis, and as I approach the age my mother was when she passed away, I begin to focus on how short life can be. I also think the fact I had experienced premature aging (early hair loss and being fat most of my adult life made me appear much older) made me focus much more on regaining my lost youth (which I am finding I am actually able to do in many ways).
Lee-Anne says
Kent, Emma, VL, loneliness seems to be a common thread in our respective marriages. I too felt lonely when I met LO, it was the catalyst for my limerence.
Kent, my SO didn’t say in words he was unattracted to me but it was more his actions that made me feel unappreciated and unattractive. Falling asleep when I was talking to him, not remembering important conversations we had only 24 hrs earlier or just not wanting sex (sorry a bit blunt here). The more my SO rejected me the more I tried to look attractive to counteract his disinterest. Ironically that attracted my LO and I was showered with attention. Looking back I also think I used it as a form of punishment for my SO, kind of like “see, you might not want me but another attractive, intelligent man does so watch out”.
Unfortunately my LE got out of hand, what started as harmless flirtatious behaviour turned into obsessive ruminations on my side. I am on a roller coaster and can’t seem to get off, or maybe it’s more a case of the roller coaster ride is making me feel sick but excited at the same time.
Allie says
All….I share much of this. I feel like both my SO and I take each other for granted and neglect each other, and neither of us desires the other any more. After a while I got used to the loneliness & solitude, then I grew to enjoy and even need it, but now my limerence has woken me up to life’s possibilities again and I want more from life/marriage/etc.
“the roller coaster ride is making me feel sick but excited at the same time” …great description as always Lee-Ann, is exactly how I feel. I know that LO seeking and rumination is bad for me but I am still like a moth to a flame so much of the time.
Kent says
Ok everyone…this was like reading my mind! Everything you all have been saying is EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking and doing in MY life! Getting in shape for LO, dressing for LO, proving to SO that I AM attractive! And even though I’m 50 today, on my birthday, I’M NOT GOING TO ACT 50! If I’m going to say that my LO is my arch-type female, it’s because she’s 40 years old tomorrow, she’s in shape, she’s skinny, and i’ve made it in my mind that she laughs at all my jokes, she’s never mean to me, she’s always interested in my interests, blah, blah, blah. It’s all in my mind I know. I’ve only been around LO once so I don’t know her at all, and it’s easy to make her what I want her to be. And I feel exactly like many of you do. My SO is passionate about her job, her education, her hobbies, her cat, etc, etc, etc. She’s not passionate about me or us. I’ve told her that in exactly those words and she just looked at me with no response. I really think that was what threw me into my LE. As I am going through this healing, reading the FTTF emails and the quick step guide to freedom, I’m feeling those feelings coming back to me. No longer am I excited to get in shape for LO, or for dressing for LO, or acting correctly for LO. It’s sad in a way, but I know my LE was torture too. I guess I have to pick my poison. Actually, I think the real issue is fixing my marriage instead of taking the easy way out and daydreaming of what I wish life was like…sigh. This sucks.
I thank you all for your comments on this. Feel free to keep the thoughts coming….
drlimerence says
Happy Birthday, Kent!
It can be a struggle to hold on to the positive vibes that make you want to stay in shape and improve as a person is tough once you realise that the LO fantasy is just that – a fantasy. But it’s worth making the push to keep going. Fitness is a keystone habit – if you can keep with it during the comedown from limerence, life is better in so many ways. I’ve lapsed a bit too since the heights of fitness during my LE, but am managing a “maintenance” level that is enough to stay positive.
Part of the comedown is probably also due to the “back to reality” feeling of knowing you have some big issues to deal with that the limerence had been a convenient distraction from. Good luck with navigating them. Communication and honesty are the best bet.
Vicarious Limerent says
Happy 50th Kent! I am a year younger than you, and we are going through many of the same things (although the exact specifics of my marriage are different, the end result is the same). I am really trying to get myself sorted out by my 50th birthday in a little under a year. I sometimes wonder if the age difference (five years) between me and my LO is too much, but I am starting to feel, look, act and dress younger, and I don’t think it is that much of a stretch (when I met her 4.5 months ago, I was heavier, less fit, less diligent in shaving my grey and balding head, and wore really baggy clothes that frankly didn’t fit me and looked like they belonged in the 90s). Even 10 years’ difference isn’t that big of a deal if you have the right attitude and appearance. It sounds like you have a similar relationship with your LO in that you don’t really know her that well either. It is strange being obsessed with someone who is basically a stranger, isn’t it? The key is to remind ourselves that this isn’t real and is really our minds playing tricks on us. But we can learn valuable lessons from our limerence and use it as a catalyst for self-improvement and an early warning signal that something isn’t right in our marriages and our lives. I also think using it as a way to help build self-confidence in general can also be a good thing so that self-improvement doesn’t go out the window once we realize our LOs aren’t going to reciprocate. Fixing one’s marriage is important, but I totally agree with you that it can seem so unappealing, boring and mundane when compared with the excitement of our LOs. I handle this by giving myself a timeline to see major improvement before making a decision whether or not to continue in my marriage. I also remind myself that limerence is a fantasy and isn’t real life. All the best for your 50th! Try not to think of limerence or your LO and enjoy yourself.
Kent says
Dr. L, as always, thanks. I know that it was so silly to do all that for LO.
My wife knew it too. She asked me the other day if that’s why I was dressing different and buying updated clothes. I just told her the truth. I was like V.L.
I dressed in baggy clothes from the 90’s and didn’t care. I’m going to have to concentrate on keeping on the treadmill and working out despite WHO i’m doing it for. I still sometimes say, “Well, there’s still a 1% chance I’ll outlive my spouse and have the chance at pursuing LO”…but then I smack myself and try not to focus on even the remotest possibility. I also had another realization I thought was interesting the other day. As I’m going through the FTTF and the Quick guide, I realized that I’ve been here before.
When I was 17, I experienced similar symptoms with a girl from school.
We did end up dating for 2 years and that ended in disaster, but the symptoms suddenly came rushing back to my mind. The funny thing is, that girl and my LO look a lot alike and act alike. As I read through the section in the FTTF on what it is about our LO’s that attract us, I think the connection between the two women is interesting. Thanks for your insight, your training, your knowledge and experience. I really don’t know how I would have ever got through this mud without this site.
V.L., I agree, as I read your comments, I think we are very similar. I did have a good birthday yesterday, thanks, and i tried to focus on what I have, and not on what I wish I had. We had my son and his wife over and had cake and grilled steaks. I think fantasy is just the trick. I still love the statement I saw on someone’s post a few days ago, Mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs. Fantasy just doesn’t work. Little did I know that fantasy would get me where I am today. Big lesson I’ve learned on fantasizing now. Even though all the fantasies have been G rated, it’s still fantasy, and not reality. It got me nowhere but desperate to be in that life and not this one. And the reality is, I know, even if my wife died today and I got married to LO, I KNOW she would not be what I think she is. I’ve put on her SO many attributes that are not possible. Which is obviously why LO’s are O’s…they are objects of my imagination. It’s all very clear intellectually. I just have to keep trying to get my heart and emotions to follow along.
A big question now is, IF this virus issue settles down by July and we still have the youth camp this year where I will see LO every day for a week…do I go and face it head-on and show myself that I can ignore her and hopefully reach closure and put it behind me? Or, do I go to Montana to see my brother that week and run from it to avoid being triggered by seeing her? I still have several months and hopefully I will know better by then. I just don’t want to be triggered AGAIN!
Emma says
Thanks all, DrL, Kent, VL, Sarah, Allie, Lee-Anne, for all your comments! I’m so grateful to this helpful community!
@DrL: “the “back to reality” feeling of knowing you have some big issues to deal with that the limerence had been a convenient distraction from.” That’s exactly why it’s so hard to let go for me. The forced NC due to the current lockdown is helping me to see this reality and hopefully making progress towards freedom from Limerence. Although at the moment I feel more sad than free…
@VL “Maybe we should hang out together! 🙂”
Haha!! … 🤔 Maybe not! 😅
And @Lee-Anne: such a beautiful depiction of Limerence! “the roller coaster ride is making me feel sick but excited at the same time.”
Kent says
Ok, thanks Bert! That gives me hope! So, this “hard work” and the “re-wiring” ideas…is that the De-programming course that is offered here? Where does that happen? or is it just by reading and reading. I’ve already read another article this morning that has helped, and I will say that the last 2 days since I’ve found these sites have been the best days in the last year and a half. I’m smart enough to know I’m not out of the woods obviously and that it’s going to take a while, but I’m hopeful. Just knowing you all have gotten free of this is such a help. You honestly feel like it’s never going to end don’t you? Yuck!
One of the best quotes that has stuck with me so far is “Mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs.” I’m hanging on to that quote about every 2 minutes when the thoughts of LO come. If it’s not reality, then my executive committee must refuse it! (From the article I read this morning). I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but’s it’s a long tunnel…and I hope it’s not a train! Thanks for your comments!
Bert says
Hi Kent,
Here is the link to the course: https://courses.livingwithlimerence.com/courses/emergency-deprogramming-course. Now I’m going to hound Dr. L again about featuring this prominently on the homepage, just the same way he did his new book. Currently it is buried under the resources tab at the bottom.
In the course there are several modules that consolidate not only the science behind limerence (much as his new book does), but action steps. He writes that a how-to guide will be in his second book. The first one is more of a primer, for people like you who are trying to just get a handle on the concept of limerence. Although it is great to poke around all the blog post based on what resonates with your situation, and certainly the comments are very illuminating, the course, the book and the guides organize all the wisdom in an orderly way so it is more efficient.
You won’t see many posts of those who have already regained their equilibrium, because they are onto the next phase of their lives. But some do report back in with the wisdom they’ve learned from their experience. I’ve found the whole process so fascinating and illuminating. I’ve learned things I never would have taken the time to explore before – both about myself and human nature. I have, as many do, way more compassion for those who suffer from addictions of all sorts. Now I really get it.
I love the concept of “hacking” it, really using the opportunity for self improvement. There are a few posts here about that. If you follow the advice, stay the course, don’t despair if you fall back in progress occasionally, and most importantly build in positive goals, you will not only come out the other the side, but you will be better for it. The best line anywhere here from Dr. L is: “but you have really to want to”. Without that resolve, it is really slow going, and all the more painful. Better to plunge in, grit your teeth and just do it.
Kent says
That really resonates with me Bert, thanks! You said several things there…First, Yes, I keep reading these posts on these forums about people who are on their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th LO’s!!! Really? You’ve fallen in this trap MORE THAN ONCE??? Wasn’t once enough???!!!And about the poor guy who is 70 and has had this problem since he was in his teens…55 YEARS! No, I am NOT in that camp. I want this over! This is HORRIBLE!
Second, I truly do feel compassion for people stuck in addictions now. I used to poo-poo them, but not anymore! When it consumes you night and day, 365 days a year, every waking moment…it’s miserable, as you know. As I run into them on the job now, drug addicts, there’s compassion in my heart now instead of ridicule. I am ready for this and really want to end it. My wife is fully aware of everything and though jealous and sometimes harsh, she is trying to look at it as a clinical issue and not as much a “faithfulness” issue.
I went back to work today patrolling the roads for the first time after finding this site. It was different, I’ll admit. I still thought a lot about the issue but more about beating it than thinking about LO in a longing way. My executive figurehead refused to let me think longingly about her. I guess it’s a start. It’s hard during this virus crisis when we aren’t really stopping traffic right now. There’s LOTS of time to do nothing but drive and think. I know it’s probably a difficult time for all Limerants. Oh well, we’ll get through it.
Thanks so much for your comments and help Bert, I’ll keep you posted.
Steve says
Yes, I think that it one of the underlying features of limerence…the desire to just want ‘it over’…the feeling that it is horrible. I have lost 6 months to this. I have not had one moment of pure happiness since it started and often feel very unhappy. Yes, sometimes I am happy when I am with her and we are having fun, but I know it will end, so it is never real happiness. It is hell on earth and it stops me from enjoying life, which is a damn shame because life passes by so quickly anyway. I feel for you. I hope you get past it. Is the first step ‘no contact’? I dont even know where to begin and my will power feels non existent. I am sure you feel the same. Gecmiş olsun (Turkish for get well soon.
Letta says
That really made me laugh when you said your wife looks at it like a clinical issue ! Spot on ! It is indeed. In my case it’s a condition that I carry from adolescence. The illusion that there is that one person who is perfect for you…true love. To get rid of the anguish (caused by the lack of certainty – even a slight hint of it) I have to constantly bring to mind the defects (physical, mental, behavioral, intellectual) of that person in order to demolish that damn pedestal ! There are moments when I’m totally free and strong and others when I’m physically ill. I tend to run away from the situation and then I feel even worse. This time I’m holding on but playing the “detached” part myself.
drlimerence says
Thanks for the nudge (and endorsement) Bert! I am working on a bit of a redesign, but I am still reluctant to feature the course prominently.
It may say interesting things about my own psychology, but I only really want serious people to take the course. This is both because (exactly as you say) they really have to want to change to get the most benefit, and because I dislike sites that lead with a sales pitch and then offer value second. I’m aware that I’m probably being a bit oversensitive on this, but we all know that psychological change takes time! 🙂
Bert says
Okay, okay, okay, I get it. But could you split the difference and at least unbury it from the dungeon?
drlimerence says
🙂 OK, yes, I’ll exhume it from the dungeon.
You know, I thought lockdown would be a great opportunity to get loads done on the blog, but it’s turned out that the day job is much more time consuming to do remotely…
Henny says
Finding this site has led to a monumental “Eureka” moment. I’ve had varying levels of intensive of Limerence for a person for 30 years. That’s three-quarters of my life, for the simple reason that our mutual siblings have been together that whole time. We had a very innocent, teen “cuddle session” in 1990. His subsequent pulling and pushing me away would leave me feeling rapturous, them deeply rejected.
We’ve both married other people and subsequently divorced. But even then, he was always a sensitive, funny man, who made me feel very special during odd family get-togethers.
At some point, I made a conscious choice to settle for platonic love and left him to it. However given that I’ve never been more drawn to anyone than him in my life (and doubt I ever will), that platonic love was fused with overwhelming physical attraction and desire, such that I whilst I could suppress it, I had no choice over it. I wanted him on the physical sense like I’ve never wanted anyone before and as the decades sailed on, it never, ever went away. At one point, I’d have settled for the idea of sleeping with him just once. I desperately wanted a taste of this forbidden fruit. As I said, it was merely a secret fantasy that I had “settled” for in my head long ago.
Various circumstances allowed me to realise this was never going to happen. And so, the platonic friendship carried on and on and…… on. However although I can’t explain it, the mutual chemistry remained. And while we were busy suppressing it, grew into a deep, mutual platonic love. A love made of so much history and water under the bridge, in which neither of us made any demands on the other but that simply made it a joy during odd encounters.
Since our respective divorces, that friendships intensified. I’d given up the idea of it anything actually happening, but never the fantasy. I could only speculate about his feelings but I was comfortable with this friendship that had become so unique, so enduring and so charged. Independent of family connections, we’d have long, warm conversations on the phone a couple of times a year in which we were our most honest selves. Then we’d carry on with our lives til the next time.
Although I would have leaped at it, he had been very clear with me that he was deliberately holding back. Something about it being some pinnacle that he felt he needed “approval” for. I didn’t quite understand this and if I’m honest, I still don’t. He recently told me that I was one of few people who could ever truly hurt him. This, I understood. However, I asked nothing of him, and wouldn’t allow myself to have any expectations as a means of protecting myself from his “push-pull”.
I since arrived at a theory that his refusal to take this further with me was because he was afraid of falling in love with me. Although we’re both single, he’s got “stuff”. I’ve got “stuff”. Our close friendship is paramount. I was, and, remain certain that a romantic relationship would be the end of us.
Then I thought, “falling in love?” Seriously? I had to examine the notion of romantic love. Ironically, the end product of a successful romantic love is deep platonic friendship and acceptance. Guess what? We were already there. The only difference was we’d side-stepped the dramas of the romantic relationship: the expectations, the agendas, the resentments, the obligations.
Then to my sheer surprise, almost 31 years to the day of having met him, 31 charged years of self-imposed, deep mutual, platonic love and desire,
we finally did the deed. You can not begin to imagine what that was like.
He’s been as good as he could be about it, but he’s pulled back before we had the chance to debrief. I’ve been an emotionally labile wreck. I’m a highly empathic and at times, intuitive person. However, there so much “noise” in my head right now, so very much limerence, that I couldn’t presume to know where he’s at. In the context of our relationship, I am having difficulty determining whether it’s love or limerence I’m feeling? I’m secretly hoping it’s just limerence because a relationship with this man right now is out of the question. Maybe when we’re in our twilight years I’ll consider it. For now I’d prefer us to never be intimate again, than lose this beautiful, rich friendship – and considering the seismic levels of my physical attraction towards him, that’s a VERY big statement.
For now, I have so much to do so many responsibilities. But I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop having these romantic fantasies where he declares his undying love for me. It’s embarrassing. It’s torture. It’s exhilarating. It’s unhealthy.
Truth be told, as I read over this message, I realise that I don’t need him to. There’s this thing… Love? Friendship? The nomenclature is not important (he and I refer to it as “something in a shade of grey or something in between”^). Yet it is as indelible as a tattoo on my heart and my bones tell me it’s the same for him.
I’ve never been able to verbalise this to anyone before to such an extent as I have now. To say the words “thank you” doesn’t seem like enough. Nevertheless, I thank you.
Henny says
^ Counting Crows: “Anna Begins”
L says
With all due respect I feel a little younger (I’m 25), perhaps more idealistic, and certainly easily confused versus some of the other very articulate commenters/commentators. This stuff is really interesting. But quite scary. Limerance still sounds like love to me. If such intense feelings for someone can be perhaps, simplified (for want of a better term), it is both liberating and absolutely terrifying at the same time.
I developed feelings for someone 2 years ago. We dated for a mere moment (in fact, I didn’t even realise he considered me his girlfriend). In sum, it ended badly. I felt very triggered and immeasurably confused about what kind of person he was during a bad patch in my life where I lost a job unexpectedly. The break up came as a total shock with no time to prepare and I acted hastily in an attempt to ‘power up’ and appear unaffected (definitely a coping mechanism). 1 year has passed since I last saw him, but I think of him (and the situation, my regrets most heavily and the version of myself I presented) still every single day. I am so ashamed. The pain was intolerable at the time for days on end. I would go to work feeling the most unimaginable physical pain ~ so close I almost lost my life to it. I felt like I’d done the worst thing in my life by pushing him away and not being able to see clearly during our communication ~ he’s the most confusing person to understand and I couldn’t understand the intentions of anything he said, but at other times it would appear crystal clear. I had dated many men before but noting was and is as utterly bewildering as this experience. I’ve accepted that it’s over but I will always look back wishing it would’ve been different. There will never be a definite answer on if he ever could’ve been suitable for me, or if we fundamentally did not ‘match’ (I feel completely the opposite about other exes). I’ve looked for the reasons but it’s just not there consistently with him as it just ended so soon. It was like someone had come along and shook me upside down, for me to somehow majestically pick up the pieces in immeasurable pain with no resources to do so.
Is this love, limerance, trauma…? Again, perhaps there are no answers to that either. I’d rather believe that these feelings are all interconnected. I just hope one day I’ll be able to ‘forget’ (whatever that means), but I’m terrified I never will like others didn’t for at least quite some time in their decades long experiences mentioned above.
Steve says
I think you will probably be fine, especially as you are young. You will definitely be able to get past him…but not until you feel the magic with another person. Good luck and I hope it comes sooner rather than later for you cuz it is a horrible way to go through life joylessly like this. Do whatever you need to do…meds, sports, whatever seems to work. Oh yeah, and time. And love.
AJ says
It has been so helpful for me to find the information about limerence on your website. I’ve been going through a particular bad limerence period the past few weeks. Finding the ‘science data’ about the phenomenon already helped me out a bit. I had chosen ‘starvation’ as a strategy to try to get rid of my limerence and was not looking forward to it in that it might take quite some time.
Instead I unexpectedly got closure earlier this week because my LO apped me that she was pregnant from her boyfriend. That completely snapped me out of it. Although it feels like being overrun by a truck. Multiple times. Man…
It inspires me to explore the deeper meaning of what I experienced at some point in time. After a cool down period.
Good luck to you all who read this. It can feel so lonely and hopeless when you’re in limerence. A true and overpowering hell on Earth. But you are not alone. And if like me you are in non reciprocal limerence (your head knows it) how awful as it may sound, closure is the best medicine.
Steve says
I work as a teacher with a woman who is 12 years younger than me. I am 49 and married for 2nd time. I also run a business and hired this lady to work with me. At first, I was neutral about her; thought she was attractive, but felt no danger. Very shortly after she started working with me, I woke up one day and felt madly in love with her and began obsessing and having constant intrusive thoughts, even though a real relationship with her would be impossible and would turn my life upside down.
Nevertheless, I fantasized all kinds of scenarios.
She has no interest and has told me, after I revealed my feelings (it was pretty obvious because I was texting her all the time). She became understandably a bit creeped out, but also the work I was offering her paid pretty well, so it was hard for her t just leave it. I dont blame her…I think she really hoped I would just get over it. On top of all this, I would see her every day at our day job at school. We ‘broke up’ many times, as if we were dating. Nothing physical ever happened and she gave me no indication that it ever would. 6 months on and I still think of her all the time and I really am not enjoying it. It is robbing my life of all joy. What should I do? I do not seem to have the will power to initiate no contact and our paths cross anyway because of work (but at least during Covid there has been a break).
I felt the urge to stalk her, but that passed. All in all, it has been a horrible experience for me and probably for her. Sometimes I could those weird physical strains when I think about her. I also regularly get teared up when I think of her. Im taking something called Lioresal which maybe makes it worse. Basically, it is a freakin mess and I would love to get out of it but I dont think it will be one of those aha moments where I suddenly just shake it off and move on. It feels deeper, thus more troubling. We live in Istanbul and work at a local unit together.
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and see she has a boyfriend. The thought terrifies me. It is a prison of the mind, a nasty, unrelenting confinement of good sense. I am glad I at least learned about limerence…I may be wrong, but the etymology of limerence may be ‘liminal’ or at a ‘threshold’…never quite arriving, always waiting at the gate of something. It certainly would seem to make sense.
Same thing happened to me when I was 30 years old.
Louise says
Hello! I have noticed I just entered a limerent stage, and I’m here to learn how to master it. Thank you for your thoughtful blog!
Steve says
God help you Louise. You are in for a rough ride. I dont know- you say you just entered – maybe you can launch immediate pre-emption. Disclose your feelings to LO – if they are not reciprocated, they probably will never be and you will have to make peace with that (incredibly hard to do) – and then search for the first off-ramp. Im telling you from cold, hard teeth clenching experience; if you prolong the dream it will quickly turn into a nightmare. This kind of thing has the potential to wipe years off your life. Take it seriously. Limerence, if advanced, becomes an entirely negative and hellish thing.
Good luck!!!
drlimerence says
Welcome, Louise! Great to have you here.
There’s plenty here to learn from nowadays (check out the Resources page as a good starting point). Good luck and best wishes!
anonymousz says
Thank you so much for this. I felt like I was going crazy. A year and a half ago I was at a truly low point in my life. Near burnout from my job where I felt unappreciated, disrespected and disliked. Broken up my with my partner of two years. Lost my cat of fifteen years. It was so difficult and I now realize that I was desperate for someone to show me even a bit of care, appreciation and respect. To feel included and thought of. Enter a new job and the coworker that I almost immediately fell for. We just clicked. It felt like destiny that we met and that we would be close friends for the rest of our lives. She had a long term and serious boyfriend but I could have that second spot and that was OK with me. To this day I have never been jealous of her boyfriend. Other friends, however, is a different story. Like an addict, everything really fell apart when it felt like her attention was going elsewhere and I was no longer getting the same consideration or openness or connection that I had come to not only look forward to, but (apparently) rely on. It drove me most days. It made me happier than I had been in years. I’d never felt so appreciated and understood and all of a sudden, it was gone. Come quarantine, we changed teams as well. So we went from sitting side by side most days of the week to barely speaking and I was absolutely heartbroken. I couldn’t stand it anymore and after having made plans to meet up and instead she just disappeared and never contacted me, I broke down. Told her my feelings and that I needed space and no contact.
It’s been absolutely heart wrenching. Some days I can barely get out of bed. A lot of my work days are unproductive. I thought I was over it and got back in touch after three weeks of NC. Big mistake. Every time we speak it’s like ripping apart the wound and that night I can’t sleep. I feel stupid and ashamed. Weak. Obsessed. I don’t want any or these feelings, not logically, yet emotionally I still hope for reciprocity or wish things could go back to how it was. I want that happiness back. It’s unhealthy and makes me absolutely miserable. I hate it.
I was going crazy and when watching Attachment Style videos, they mentioned the word “limerence”. I love new words so of course I looked it up and I was blown away. I have never heard people describe so accurately how I feel. I’ve often wondered if I have ever been in love because almost all of my relationships starter off with this uncontrollable, overwhelming pull towards a person that I am attracted to. It does not happen often, but when it does, it is the most powerful emotion and I get swept up in it instantly.
This time what throws me off the most is that it seems to be unreciprocated, which is unusual. I am assuming that it was my disposition when we met that lead to me diving so deeply into someone who does not feel the same.
Thank you so much for giving me a feeling of not being alone, of not being crazy, and knowing that this too will pass, even though right now, every day feels like a year of sadness.
Mia says
Welcome Anonymousz
You are definitely not crazy. And we all know what you go through.
Wanting to go back to how it was is a huge factor in limerence.
Accepting and grief is difficult.
You will find so much info and answers here on Lvl.
Keep on posting here if you want .
Thomas says
Hi Anonymousz,
Welcome. One thing I spot is that you weren’t jealous of the SO (boyfriend)… many folk here have reported the same. Which I find really interesting.
I’ve always resented my Limerent Object’s SOs, if they’ve had one. Maybe I’m just awful!
😉
Benjamin says
Yeah, is a funny thing. Now that I think of it, I never felt jealousy of LO2’s boyfriend, but I did for the one of my current (mostly past now, yay!) LO. Maybe because in the case of LO2 I already had strong suspicions that she was with someone, while current LO telling me she has a boyfriend came like a gut punch out of nowhere, so I was not mentally prepared for it.
anonymousz says
Thank you! I don’t think you are a bad person. I don’t particularly like her SO, mostly I’m apathetic about him. He existed before I came into the picture and so was there the entire time my feelings increased. There is no competition because they were and continue to be together. I will say that when they moved in together (which she hid from me) it hurt a lot as it was another nail in the coffin of hope.
Sammy says
From reading some of these stories, it seems to me that the onset of limerence might follow a distinct pattern – strong signs of perceived emotional reciprocation from LO initially, followed by abrupt withdrawal of positive reinforcement. For us poor limerents, the obsession sets in immediately after the abrupt withdrawal, spiralling out of control til it develops a frightening intensity/life all of its own.
Obviously, limerence unfolds differently for different people. However, I wonder if the “early strong reciprocation – sudden withdrawal” style of acting is a sure-fire way of triggering limerence in vulnerable people? This would mean that most LOs aren’t bad human beings so much as they are indecisive human beings. Thoughts?
Benjamin says
“This would mean that most LOs aren’t bad human beings so much as they are indecisive human beings”
That’s actually, I think, one of the important things to keep in mind in regards to limerence. That most LOs aren’t bad persons that manipulate us for their benefit (some are, sure, but definitely not all) and that everything is in our heads. It’s a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, because its easier to think of ourselves as poor victims of selfish people, but it’s important to keep that in mind if we don’t want to fall into resentment.
“I wonder if the “early strong reciprocation – sudden withdrawal” style of acting is a sure-fire way of triggering limerence in vulnerable people”
I think that yes, absolutely. Worse thing, it doesn’t need to be “actual” early strong reciprocation, but it can also work with “perceived” reciprocation, too. It’s something that happened to me often in the past: sometimes I “perceive” that a girl is reciprocating my interest in her, which triggers the LE, and then, when they keep on acting normal (because they’re not really into me, mind you) I “perceive” like they’re suddenly getting cold, which feeds uncertainty, which feeds limerence.
anonymousz says
I have thought about this a lot. Was anything actually ever reciprocated? I can remember times when she got close or acted strangely just as much as I can remember times she was aloof and unconcerned. I already know that she is the indecisive type.
There are moments where I was so sure, and then others that left me heartbroken. In the end, if you’re confused about how they feel, then they just aren’t into you. At least not how you are into them.
I will say that I am very private and I do not divulge things about myself if I don’t feel some form of reciprocity and trust. There was something there, but it’s friendship. Maybe curiosity (we are both women and one night she told me she always thought she was bicurious). But that’s it.
Perceived reciprocation is a great way to put it. She is not a bad person. I feel led on and betrayed, but she never actually led me on. She never betrayed me. I just built up a story in my head and reality is betraying the script. She didn’t go cold, my intensity simply increased beyond our friendship, which she enjoyed.
Emma says
Sammy, “early strong reciprocation – sudden withdrawal”: also my experience!
And, like Benjamin says, the reciprocation was “perceived” only by me. I’m not sure there was ever really reciprocation at all. Probably all in my head.
Anonymousz, “I can remember times when she got close or acted strangely just as much as I can remember times she was aloof and unconcerned.” Yes, me too. To be honest, it’s not only with me, LO is an unpredictable person in general. Even in our work context, he’s often a bit hot/cold. He will be very enthusiastic about a project for example, or send great encouraging messages about someone’s work, and then suddenly “disappear”,
not giving any news for a few days, not responding to group messages. Only to come back about a totally different subject. So confusing…
With time I realize that this really is his personality, and nothing to do with me. I think he does like me, just not like I’d hope.
“In the end, if you’re confused about how they feel, then they just aren’t into you.” So true Anonymousz. 😢Another quote to add to my list!
Sammy says
Thanks Benjamin and Emma. I see what you mean when you say the early strong reciprocation isn’t necessarily real reciprocation, only perceived reciprocation. That’s a good thing to remember concerning limerence.
Anne says
Wow! Limerence is really a life destroyer. When I was suffering from this I was only 17yr-old and sadly my LO was 14 yrs older than me and was at the time still unmarried which also contributed in to fuel the fire. I spent my late teens and early adulthood crying for things which really was not worth crying I still remember the nervousness those tremors and stuttering (once in his presence my BF got so worried about me, she thought that I am going to faint, it’s funny though). At the age of 19 or 20, I knew that this feeling is not gonna be reciprocated but it was not in my hands I invested my self in this play for 9 years, At the age of 23 I really wanted him to be dead I just wanted to escape from this suffering and misery.
He was always on the mind I loved to do chores where I don’t have to communicate or spent time with others I always wanted to be alone so I can build scenarios about him, I stopped talking to my friends, I was living in another city away from my parents I started to visit home less and less.
I tried to stalk him, and at the time I knew it was immoral but I still did even just to listen his one “hello” I would try every mean so he will pick my call, during at that time I already had two episodes of insomnia in my late teens and early 20s.
Then he got married finally to my relife. But now my personality is completely different from what I was at the age of 17 or 18 I like to live alone I don’t like to talk with my friends after his marriage or perhaps me curing my limerence somewhere in between I got heterophobia. I am 30 yrs old women and still single. But after 13 years I still contemplated over my silliness and I feel sorry for myself that I was not aware that it was a problem for my mental health and I was not aware that it’s effect will be that long term.
Life is now meaningless like stationery water, i feel so disgust to every hetro romantic couple either its is in movie, novel or in real life. Sometimes i try to understand the cause of this and than i start to pity my little teenage self and think that how sad i was how heartbroken i was and no one could console me. I really wish no one would have to suffer this kind of despair.
Sammy says
Anne, you absolutely have my sympathy. I was 17 too when limerence struck, but thankfully for someone my own age (marginally less embarrassing perhaps?). My legs used to shake visibly when I was around LO, and friends thought there was something wrong with me. I suffered bouts of insomnia as well – I think that can be a symptom of limerence for some people. The worst part of limerence for me was being unable to relax (hypervigilance). I tried sleeping at friends’ houses and running hot baths, with little success.
Limerence can certainly trigger social withdrawal. That’s related to rumination I think. Stalking is definitely something you want to stay away from, though I understand the chemistry behind it (thinking you need another hit from your favourite drug). Your heterophobia is fascinating and weirdly understandable – maybe this one experience has brought you so much pain you don’t want to “go there” again? (I’m assuming you’re heterosexual to begin with).
I think my limerence “rollercoaster ride” (for 3 different LOs – I kept transferring those feelings onto new people) lasted 20 years total. Now it’s slowly winding down, thank God. Don’t lose hope. Your true personality will start returning when limerence recedes and you may be pleasantly surprised. Limerence doesn’t necessarily have one peak and one trough – there can be several “peaks” and several “periods of despair” before you start to understand what’s happening.
Welcome to the site. Other people here will definitely understand what you’re going through. I agree limerence is a “life destroyer” is the sense one could be doing something useful with all the time and energy spent on rumination! It’s awful thinking about someone involuntarily – I definitely resented my loss of emotional autonomy even as I confused feelings of limerence with real love.
Matt says
In my life I have been in love, had a slew of crushes, many sexual infatuations, I have had intense admirations for people and romantic flirtationships, I have truly cared deeply for people and have had relationships out of boredom, loneliness, and just a need for acceptance from somebody. I’ve been through all of that, many times over.
In all these cases I have remained totally in control of myself and my thoughts and emotions. I would have my rush of emotion, and then be back to normal. Most of these experiences were so inconsequential that they’re now just fading memories.
But limerence… wow… limerence is an entirely different ball game. Limerence has been so uniquely rare and destructive in my life that my three LEs have stood out in my mind for decades after I recovered from them. It’s like an addiction, but far more powerful because it’s your own body producing an intoxicating drug to which you can never develop any resistance. My limerence experiences have been all-consuming with constant, intrusive thoughts and totally non-sexual and pining fantasies of being with the person. It’s like I need to be enveloped by them, as if I have lost my grip on self and only the LO can offer my life respite.
With my current LO (my first in 18 years), all of my negative experiences with the earlier LOs couldn’t stop me from tumbling into this new LE. I cognitively knew what was happening and was trying to prevent it, but the urge was simply too great to resist. I’m going on 3 years of struggling with what I know is a useless, time wasting fantasy that could never be fulfilled without destroying my family’s lives. Limerence is very, very different than anything else out there.
Sammy says
Absolutely agree with you, Matt – limerence is like nothing else. You do a very good job of describing how limerence is different from a normal crush in your third paragraph. “Need to be enveloped by them.” “Lost my grip on self.”
Rita says
I believe my experience of limerence is unique. I lost my wonderful husband of 50 years several months ago. The feeling of grief was terrible. Then came the Covid-19 pandemic and I was in lockdown. Along came a “volunteer” from the community and offered to do my shopping. He was kind and intelligent. He realised I was lonely and unhappy and stayed some days for half an hour or so to chat. He was my link to the outside world but because of his helpful nature and interesting conversation, he quickly became my LO. Everything and everyone else disappeared from my life and I lived each day to see my LO for a few brief moments. I was jealous of his wife and family. I looked for his car coming with anticipation. Thoughts of him even pushed thoughts of my late husband out of my mind. I am ashamed to even say that. And the strange thing is, my LO is definitely not “my type”. In ordinary circumstances I would have thought him friendly and pleasant but I would never have “fancied” him physically. However I found myself having erotic thoughts about my LO and feeling quite ashamed of myself for feeling that way. For his part, he never showed any interest in me other than looking after me in lockdown. I do believe the influence is now fading as life returns to some kind of normality and I can see friends but the power of LO was immense and I have never experienced anything like it before in my life
Lee says
I am so sorry for your losses, Rita.
Grief does strange and unexpected things to us. There is a reason the traditional mourning period is one year – by the end of that year you no longer are at “risk” for being overwhelmed with “one year ago today we were…” thoughts.
I had to pull over and cry more times than I care to remember the year after my fiance was killed in an accident. Apparently I cried in my sleep too because I never cried in front of people when I was awake (being alone in the car doesn’t count). I suspect if you didn’t have the limerence you might experience a different emotional flood.
Don’t beat yourself up. Grief comes in many forms. This may be yours.
Matt says
I’m so sorry this has happened to you, Rita. I had personal losses as well that I believe triggered my first 2 LOs. LO1, we met my senior year in high school. I had a really strong crush on her, but it was fading by the end of the year and in my first year of college. The summer after my first year I had to have a surgery that required a bag on my abdomen. It destroyed my self-esteem, and my fading crush suddenly went to limerence, as if LO1 could fill that gap. Likewise, LO2 emerged during a time when my mom was dying from cancer. But with my current LO, the first in almost 2 decades, there was no immediate loss that I could reason as being the cause. It’s a mystery to me.
Sammy says
Thank you for sharing Rita, Lee, and Matt. Makes me wonder – can limerence be a response in humans to some existential crisis? Does limerence help human survival somehow? (Are we, in a crisis, more likely to seek out intense bonds or hang on to certain people for dear life?) Does crisis push “friendship” into “limerence”?
Rita, your story is moving. It must be extraordinary to experience limerence for the first time so late in life, and after a happy marriage. Sorry for your loss.
Rita says
I think in my case it was a response to an existential crisis. The situation was unique – bereaved wife, lonely, restricted in lockdown mode from seeing friends and socialising. Along comes a knight in shining armour (just an ordinary man, nothing special), shows kindness and understanding to a damsel in distress and the damsel falls hook, line and sinker. I did have “crushes” in my teens but then puberty is a difficult time for most and we recognise crushes for what they are – just that. This was something way more powerful – I longed for, yearned for the LO – to “possess” him with every part of my being – physically and mentally. It was frightening and yet, at the same time, comforting because I had shifted the grief of losing my beloved husband to a longing for someone who was flesh and blood. And with that came strong feelings of guilt. People assumed I was grieving, when in fact I was yearning for my LO and that created huge swings in mood – from highs when I anticipated his visits to lows when he’d just departed or couldn’t come to see me.
Lee says
“It was frightening and yet, at the same time, comforting because I had shifted the grief of losing my beloved husband to a longing for someone who was flesh and blood.”
Don’t be too surprised if that was grief delayed or deferred. It may eventually hit you, or it may not.
Rita says
Yes, Lee, I think you have a very valid point there. Now that I am alone and my LO has gone back to his “normal” life, the grief can be quite overwhelming. Folk say it’s delayed grief – which it is in one sense – but also because the “void” is not filled now by my LO. I now have to come to terms with the loss of my husband but the positive side is the LO helped me through the loneliness / pandemic lockdown. Now, at least, I can socialise, meet friends, etc. and try to get on with a “normal” life as a widow. Isn’t life complicated? We get ourselves into such strange situations.
Matt says
I think you’re onto something about the existential crisis. With the benefit of a lot of hindsight, I know my first two LEs each emerged to fill a deep loss in my life.
You have to understand something about me – it’s is extremely out of my character to have any true interest in a woman who I do not know personally. It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is, she’s completely forgettable unless I know her personally. I am an extremely rational, grounded person. But that core character trait disappeared with my LOs. I was (am now) lost in fantasies about women I didn’t know.
So the current LO… it was a different tumble into the LE. My first two LEs were “love at first sight.” I saw them and was enraptured (I was also pretty young). But this LO, I thought she was cute at first, and that was it. No glimmer. She was 23 years younger and completely off limits to me. But she kind of physically looked like the other LOs. She had the same slight, feminine build, almost waifish, and a quiet demeanor. After 6 weeks I realized I was picking up signals of interest from her, like the nervousness, hair touching, looking down as she walked by around me, posture straightening up in my presence – you notice these things when you get older. I realized that she might actually have an interest in me. And that’s when the glimmer started.
I wonder if in the deepest recesses of my reptilian brain there was some transference between the first LOs and the current LO, as if I reasoned that she was an “obtainable” replacement for what I never had earlier in life.
Scharnhorst says
If you really want to pull that string, check out
“Corrective Emotional Experience in the Therapeutic Process” – David Hartman, MSW and Diane Zimberoff, M.A.
http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.467.8398&rep=rep1&type=pdf
It may or may not apply. It might be considered “old school” against some of today’s thinking but it’s still a good article. Downside, it’s long and goes pretty deep in weeds.
Sammy says
“But like any other addiction, after a while the exquisite spike of pleasure can devolve into a habit, and then a craving, and then an impediment to the proper, healthy sources of happiness and fulfillment in life.”
I love this description, DRL. And the worst part is you don’t see it coming. (Not the first time it happens anyway). You don’t realise the seemingly solid ground under your feet is turning to marsh even while you’re still standing in the same spot, and you’re about to start sinking. Limerence = quicksand.
Georgia says
Your description of Limerence being like quicksand is so accurate. I only found this site yesterday but can identify with so much of what has been said.
I am in the midst of trashing a 25 year relationship, much of it married and I have no idea why. I was feeling frustrated by certain aspects of the relationship but it didn’t seem that significant. I then started having feelings for a colleague despite having worked together a long time and never having seen him that way before.
I can see it’s an obsession and Limerence describes it perfectly. Despite me being married and also knowing LO doesn’t want me romantically, I have pulled away from my husband for over a year, becoming depressed and withdrawn and hurting my husband at every turn. He knows I had feelings for LO but believes it was all in the past. He has been supportive and steadfast and says he still wants our relationship to work. Meanwhile I continue to be in contact with LO, moved out of home to be nearer LO and am living a rollercoaster of emotions depending on whether I hear from him or see him.
LO is fairly opposite to my husband – care free, never settled down, confident, extrovert, sociable. There are aspects of that I find attractive but none of that excuses my behaviour. I feel guilt and shame for what I am doing and have done, especially the dishonesty and the pain I have caused. I can’t believe I seem hell bent on ruining my marriage over what I know is an obsession. I need to stop and know that but there’s also part of me that doesn’t want the situation with LO to end. How does a rational, responsible adult end up in this mess and so quickly? It scares me.
Mia says
Welcome Georgia,
As in the next week’s you will read more stories and see what we all have in common I hope you will feel a bit les guilty and even maybe feel a bit sorry for yourself. No one chooses this, no one goes in with the intention to hurt anyone, at one point it spirals down and you are fighting against nature. And she is one hell strong woman.
Take your time to read and learn about limerence and there is a whole group of people here to support you and give you hope because this will not stay forever and your feelings of not wanting to let go are normal
Georgia says
Thanks Mia. I really appreciate the welcome and support.
I know there were elements of my marriage and home life I found difficult before this. I felt trapped and constrained and longed for escape. LO is a representation of that escape and I can see that but I still don’t stop. It’s like I don’t even recognise myself any more and it’s impacting every part of my life. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Mia says
Of course you don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s hell, I know. Is he still your colleague? Is it mutual ?
( Not to be nosy but see if NC would be possible)
Georgia says
NC wouldn’t be possible unfortunately because of work.
Allie says
Hi Georgia, welcome to LwL! You are definitely in the right place and it sounds like your journey of self and LE awareness is making a good start. Always remember that an LE is primarily an addiction, and addictions can be beaten, especially when you are able to see through them.
“I know there were elements of my marriage and home life I found difficult before this. I felt trapped and constrained and longed for escape.” – I can completely relate to that! I am a wife & mother, and find that this role sometimes completely drowns out the real me. My LE provides a degree of escapism and reminds me of my younger self, when I was more fun and took a few risks in life. I actually like that side of my LE as I am starting to realise that this person is still inside me, and with the right choices (a.k.a purposeful living – you will hear a lot about that on this site), I am bringing her back to life again.
Echoing Mia, take your time, work your way through the site. You may want to do the Re-programming Course when you are ready – I wholeheartedly recommend that if you want to recover from this but can’t do NC.
Wishing you all the best on your journey out of limerence!
Georgia says
Thanks so much Allie. Your comment about bringing out that long buried part of you is exactly how I feel and the LE has done that. I know it isn’t reality and, even when I am with LO, it’s just a parallel universe with a more carefree version of me but it feels good. That of itself is addictive and I know I need to stop the social situations with LO if I am to get through this. I need to find other outlets for the real me that don’t involve this Limerence for sure. What those outlets are, I don’t know yet. It’s hard for my SO because he thinks I’ve gone crazy and I hurt him so much by leaving. Though I have said it’s temporary, I just don’t know if it is. I am though worried that my decision making is being driven by this LE and not by me. Will I have huge regrets if I don’t go back to SO or was the LE a catalyst for me needing to leave? The lines are so blurred and I don’t know what is real anymore.
Mia says
Did you think about leaving and wanting to be free before LE?
LG says
@Sammy – it is a good description of limerence, I agree. Even when you’re aware of limerence, it can still be difficult to spot the signs initially, as I’ve had that experience with LOs 2, 3 and 4. Or, sometimes it will come on so gradually that by the time you’re aware you’re in the middle of another LE, you’re way too deep into the LE to avoid the worst of the symptoms. That’s been particularly the case with me with LOs 3 and 4.
Georgia says
Good question Mia. I felt constrained but thought there was nothing I could do about it. LE opened my eyes to thinking there is another way to live and that’s partly because LO told me I could do whatever I wanted with life and that gave me confidence to think about it seriously. Now I am sat here wondering if it’s only LE that is keeping me from going home and, if it is, that’s sad because I am wrecking my marriage for nothing. So confused and unhappy
Mia says
I totally understand. For me personally, Im recently divorced after married for 15 years and it was not a bad marriage but I secretly I longed for freedom for a long time, sometimes I even fantasized about my husband cheating so I had a reason to leave. I felt I was not able to leave because I had nothing to complain about. It felt ungrateful.
Than my LO came along and we had a passionate affair, I made the decision to divorce, of course I wanted to be with LO but I also thought will I still want to divorce also when LO and me will not work out. And the answer was yes. And that’s important because the change that a LE works out is not that big.
For me the LE was an indication a catalyst and a push to see I was not happy in my marriage and I missed a lot even though my SO was very sweet.
I think confusing is absolutely part of the proces but I also see people on this site who are in a LE while happily married write, I love my SO I want to work through this.
I did not want to work through this.
Even though I’m not with LO and that makes me misserable, I’m happy I’m divorced to find in the future someone I better connect with. I don’t want back to be with my ex SO
Do you still love your SO ? And I don’t mean in a friend way, like I did for a long time.
Georgia says
Another very good question. I think I am at a stage where it’s really strong friendship but not more.
Rita says
Hi folks. It’s me again. I made some rather critical remarks about something my LO put on his Facebook page and I was terrified he was going to ditch me completely. I thought I’d recovered from the worst part of my LE and getting on with my life. Then all of a sudden I say something because I was emotionally distressed and I immediately regretted it. Then I sycophantically asked if we were still friends and he said yes but I feel I’ve destroyed something precious we had – friendship. Friendship which is better than nothing, but not as good as love which I crave from my LO. Limerence makes us into puppets, lovesick idiots, unable to make logical decisions where the LO is concerned. I detest it and wish I could get out of the situation.
Sammy says
@Rita. Are you okay, honey? You sound a bit upset. I will say this for limerence – it can make us quite emotional and sometimes do and say things hastily, out of character. I understand what you mean when you say you detest limerence and want out of the situation – it’s awful to feel that loss of control, especially if you’re someone who has always been very reasonable and behaved well socially.
Rita says
Thanks, Sammy, yes I’m OK – just. My LO was very understanding about my outburst and says nothing has changed in our “friendship” – to put our difference of opinion behind us. His understanding and acceptance pulls me further into the mire of limerence. And yet if he hadn’t understood my reasons and ditched me altogether, I don’t know what I would have done. For the moment life continues as “normal” – we’re friends, thank goodness. I was at my wit’s end thinking I’d lost him forever. My life without him in it would be so much the poorer.
Rita says
Just out of curiosity – has anyone suddenly “recovered” from limerence and begun to dislike their LO? Sort of the “rose-coloured spectacles” suddenly falling from the eyes to reveal the LO as an ordinary human being with no particular special attributes?
Scharnhorst says
Coming to the realization that our LOs aren’t nearly as wonderful as we delude ourselves to thing is pretty common but I can’t recall any posters for whom it was a sudden realization. Epiphanies on that order don’t appear to occur often, at least not here.
There’s a blog somewhere that talks about an “off switch” for limerence but I can’t remember which blog it is. The consensus as I remember it was that the switch doesn’t exist. It doesn’t appear to work that way.
As for disliking your LO, I almost backhanded one of my LOs with my fist once.
Sammy says
Rita, I have recovered from limerence for a particular LO. I don’t dislike that LO now. Rather, I feel indifference to her – neither love nor hate, no strong emotions whatsoever. In all honesty, I probably didn’t know her well enough to have an accurate opinion of her – all my judgements of her were clouded by fantasy and fantasy makes it almost impossible to know another person truly.
I dislike myself a little bit post-limerence. Dislike myself for being so foolish. Dislike myself for not seeing the situation for what it was – an absurd infatuation that couldn’t go anywhere in real life (a dead end?). Would I date my former LO now I’m out of limerence? No, not at all. She’s not even my type! Haha!
Recovery wasn’t sudden. Even after she exited my life for good, I had to wean my brain off her slowly. She wanted to start a new chapter with me (as friends). For me, sadly, that just wasn’t possible. I had to get her out of my head to find peace. I think if someone is yo-yoyoing between idealisation and devaluation, that in itself is a feature of limerence, because you’re still focused mentally on LO.
Student says
First time posting. Thanks so much for your blog.
I’m a 23 year old female. Single. I have been limerent for my 50+ year old, male, married professor/advisor/mentor for over three years. It took a long time but I am finally maybe sort of feeling like limerence is fading. A bit. I have started to distance myself from my him and keep my contact with him to a minimum. I read a lot about transference, and student crushes on teachers/professors/mentors, especially English professors, and accepted my feelings as pretty common and non-exceptional, cliche even. Everyone thing makes sense and really isn’t that big of a deal if I can just move on. At first, it felt extraordinarily embarrassing to see myself in these stories, not to mention invalidating, but eventually led me stop taking myself so seriously and romanticizing the “relationship.”
Part of the embarrassment came from the stepping outside of the romanticized story I had been telling myself, and imagining/realizing how I actually looked to others. I had to confront my own narcissistic defenses and delusions. It was pretty painful to see how much I romanticized not only LO but also myself during this whole thing. This is really embarrassing to admit but in my head, in the story I told myself, I was this attractive, “brilliant,” imaginative young woman, mature, different from her peers, troubled, but kind. A potential genius even! *cringe* I imagined myself as an unwitting seductress, whose innocence and energy enlivened the monotonous life of a depressed middle aged scholar. It was an almost spiritual meeting of minds, complicated by worldly reality.
What I’ve been realizing lately, the more I read similar stories, or talk to people, or see other similar situations play out in real life, is that my view of myself is so far from reality. It’s really embarrassing (sorry to keep using that word) to think about and accept sometimes but it’s the single biggest thing that has helped me get over it. I re-think the whole thing and no longer see myself as the sad, beautiful, irresistible, spontaneous, imaginative heroine, whose flaws are endearing. Instead I see a very lonely, socially awkward, slightly chubby, sexually inexperienced, painfully shy, self-loathing young woman with absolutely no confidence, who tries too hard to impress, cares too much, and really needs to make some friends her own age. Whose cliche crush on her professor is borderline creepy and extremely obvious to everyone around her. I see someone whose life is rather sad, a bit pathetic even, though not in a way that inspires sympathy and compassion in others, but in a way that makes them so uncomfortable it is hard to be around her for long periods of time. I see someone who others pity and feel embarrassed for. I see a nice, professor who tries to raise her self-esteem a bit, encourage her as a student and a writer, only to become the object of her obsession.
I might be a bit dramatic and black and white with my thinking. It’s something I struggle with. Either I’m completely pathetic or completely amazing. Obviously that’s not true. I tried to be somewhat realistic with my reality check. Still, I’m struggling to manage the painful feelings that arise during these “reality checks” because the embarrassment of seeing myself as I truly am (no rose colored glasses) can sometimes tip me into despair and shame which often leads right me back in my delusional limerence bliss because I can’t cope with the feelings, my other methods of soothing aren’t strong enough.
I sometimes feel like limerence is my only defense against a reality I’m struggling to accept or change (though I know I can change myself, it’s a slow process).
Rita says
Thanks Scharnhorst. I had this idea in my mind that once I’d got over the LE I might even dislike the LO. I don’t want that to happen as I want us to remain friends. He came into my life at a difficult time and I am grateful to him for that. I don’t want to completely cut ties – just to remain as friends – but get him out of my constant thoughts.
But if, in doing so, I began to actually dislike him, I would find that difficult to live with as well. In which cash, I’d rather continue with the LE and let things take their course, ie for the infatuation to fade in its own time.
Scharnhorst says
Have you read https://livingwithlimerence.com/cant-we-just-be-friends/?
There’s also a great Thought Catalog blog. https://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-lai/2015/12/can-a-man-and-a-woman-really-have-a-platonic-relationship/
Rita says
Yes, Student, we can delude ourselves in the situation. I used to fantasise about having sex with my LO assuming he didn’t have a good sexual relationship with his wife, etc and I would show him a good time. Who was I kidding? You imagined yourself to be the attractive, brilliant young woman, etc. Well I’m old enough to be the mother of my LO and I still fantasised about him liking me (and especially in bed) better than his wife! Limerence can make complete fools of us all.
Rita says
The strong feelings I had for my LO are fading. I still like him very much but he doesn’t light up my life the same way as he used to. I am beginning to see him as an ordinary human being. I thought I would be relieved but instead it’s left a void in my life. Without the constant thoughts and longing to see him, I am in a world of nothingness. I long for the “highs” he once gave me even though the “lows” were difficult to deal with.
STJ says
What happens or how do you deal with a Mother who has more or less abandoned you and bankrupted herself for a younger LO? In the process she totally ignoring her family in favour for his. He is 15 years younger than her and she has spent her life savings supporting him. She wont listen to anyone in her immediate family and is lying to cover spending on him which she cant sustain….How do you deal with that?
Scharnhorst says
This is why God invented therapists.
A good therapist can help you frame your experience and help you get past it since it’s unlikely you’ll get any satisfaction from your mother. The therapist can help you deal with the nearly inevitable resentment that arises. If the therapist isn’t sympathetic to you, get rid of them and find one who is.
Another thing a good therapist can do is prepare you for her possible return. It’s not uncommon for these people to return years to decades later. They often don’t have any real remorse but they think they’re entitled to come back and impose themselves on you. They weren’t around when you needed them but they have no problem returning when they need you and expecting you to be there for them. They can throw all sorts of Fear, Obligation, Guilt, and Shame at you. If you’re lucky, she won’t come back but a lot of people aren’t that lucky. Your mother appears to be running out of money. Stand by.
It’s better if your boundaries are already in place than to try to throw them up on the fly.
Marcia says
Scharnhorst,
“They often don’t have any real remorse but they think they’re entitled to come back and impose themselves on you. They weren’t around when you needed them but they have no problem returning when they need you and expecting you to be there for them.”
Totally agree with this. The parent may likely return when the LO is no longer in his/her life or the parent gets sick and needs help. It is a very tough place to be for the child, but putting up boundaries is necessary.
Allie says
So sorry STJ, that must be very painful for you. Both the abandonment / rejection and watching someone you love behave that way. What would you do if she was addicted to drugs? This is very similar. I think you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Beyond that, I am not sure what you can do for your mother – she is a grown up and must be allowed to make her own choices and mistakes, experience the consequences of her actions and clean up her own messes. Hopefully knowing you still love her if you feel able to support her without it causing you harm in the process. I have read a few stories of limerent mothers that, once they come back to their senses, bitterly regret neglecting their families due to being so seduced and blinded by their limerent addiction. Hoping this happens (and soon) with your Mum.
Wishing you well.
STJ says
Thankyou. It is really tough as i was so close to her. She lies to me constantly which is the hard part. While the LO is still present her behaviour continues and she is now getting herself into debt with other family members, and she told them specifically not to tell me. They are engaged and i thought the Limerent behaviour would therefore subside but it has actually intensified. She is in a bubble and has no sense of reality or perspective. When i tried to talk to her she labels me a bully and a manipulator on social media so i have had to withdraw from her life…I am sure she will regret what she has done, but for me it maybe too late. There is no immediate resolution i can see – apart from the LO leaving. I can only hope he does once she has bankrupt herself for him. We will see…Thanks again
Tiffany Terrell says
Wow…. this has comforted me so much more than I ever imagined. Although I’ve never been diagnosed, I’m 98% sure I have OCD. When it comes to people I’m attracted to, the thought pattern starts with normal feelings & soon progresses into one that bulldozes through any goals for the day with thoughts of my crush. It normally happens when I’m not in a full blown relationship with the person, which is the part that truly sucks. I constantly wonder about their feelings towards me, perception of me, and whether I’m going to be apart of their lives forever (I even tell myself that I can settle for “just friends” so long as they never leave me). Then when it isn’t reciprocated, I’m completely devastated & depressed… can’t do anything but THINK ABOUT THEM. It’s made me want to do crazy things to get them to speak to me but I’m a very rational person so I don’t act out these terrible ideas. But even with me being so rational, this is why it drives me nuts to think that I actually get obsessed with people. And it hurts deeper when the love is not reciprocated, then I spend all my time trying to convince myself that they DID love me but are dealing with past pain, have someone better, can’t prioritize, etc. When I know the truth is you won’t have to wonder if you’re loved when the right one comes along. I googled and it brought me here, I really felt like it was just me. I think I may start a support group, I’d rather talk about the thought pattern and fixing it then to be left to my own OCD memories and imaginings. Yall are awesome and it’s gonna get better. Nothing but Love 💜
Light says
I’m so happy I found this site and read all of the stories above. I accidentally learned the word Limerence from a tweet few days ago but immediately realised I was suffering from one. and thinking back some of the ‘love’ I experienced in my life might’ve been a limerence. The current one is pretty unusual: I’ve never met that person nor will I ever (though hoping so badly lol). he is a kind of a social star in my country of origin. he’s participating in a tv show currently and that’s how I got to know him. He’s 13 years my junior and drop-dead gorgeous, fit as a fiddle, bottomlessly talented in everything, but most importantly mature beyond his years! I read and watched every piece of videos, interviews etc that he’s in, and feel like I know him so personally. I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever in my life. I saved a video of all of his photos on instagram, I’m following all of his social media accounts, and of course watch incessantly the program he’s on. I’ve been obsessively fantasizing about him… you all know what I’m talking about 🙂 the funny thing is thousands of other women are having crush on him right now judging by the millions of explicit public posts. Many of them young girls and many experiencing limerence without knowing for sure. Anyways, now I know for sure I am suffering from one. and I also have the common fertile soil of “loneliness” in my life as well (single mom of 2, last human touch 2+ years ago). I have no intention to look for relationships etc until my kids are grown. had bad experiences with men in general. so, I see limerence as an evolutionary mechanism that helps us to escape our reality, and have some respite in a magical fantasy land… I do hope I will get over this kid after the show finishes… we’ll see. If I can’t then I’ll be back to do the emergency course. in the meantime, happy to be reading and learning and doing some introspection. I also want to express my deepest gratitude to Dr. L for creating this space and provide help to those suffering so generously! I wish you all successful recoveries!
Anonymous says
Wow I am seeing some patterns here in these comments. I was neglected in my childhood too, abused emotionally & psychologically by my mother, resulting in PTSD and whatever obsessive issues too. Experiencing limerance at it’s finest for the last year or so at least. With my experience it’s truly hard to know if what I’m experiencing is Limerance or if he is my twin flame, because this guy and I are very similar. We both love nice cars, both very nurturing personalities and both into gaming. Him and I are the same age. We’ve both engaged in intense eye contact before. He’s complimented me on my lame purple shoes before, saying they were really cool, when I know they’re really not lol. And he’s brought up my favourite colour before, in front of my husband. “It’s a good thing ……’s favourite colour is purple, she fits right into the family!” Since their grandmas favourite colour was purple too. So he remembers little details. And he’s asked for my opinion on things before. Yup, I’m married, and this guy is married, too. He’s my husband’s cousin. We’ve never contacted each other via social media or by phone. We both have no intention of having any affair, and we never will because we both love our families. We just have this insane connection when we’re together. And it’s a bit of a pattern that I’m seeing in these comments, is that sadly, probably a lot of the time there are some mutual feelings from the LO. So it makes it hard when they are flirty etc. For me and this guy it’s just, in another life, maybe! Facing reality. I don’t know if it’s just limerance or twin flame, and I may never know. I’ve experienced massive euphoria after being around him for my brother and sister in law’s 21st. I dressed up in a nice dress that day and did my hair and make up. I felt a loving presence wrap their around me and tell me that I looked so beautiful that day. Was it all in my head just as a fantasy, or a twin flame experience I wonder? I may never know. But I think God places these types of people in our lives to help us realize we need to be better as individuals and work on our issues. If we keep focusing on the problem we can’t enjoy life as much. But we can focus on where we want to go, by setting goals for ourselves and achieving them. I’m a musician so this guy is in my mind even when I sing. But I sing to God instead so I shift my focus.
laura says
I’m new to “Limerence” so I’m hoping someone out there can help me with this. I’ve been in limerence going on two years for a certain gentleman. Weird thing is–he doesn’t know I exist. He’s happily married with kids and the perfect life. Thing is I’m single but felt a connection to him immediately. I know who he is–he doesn’t know me. I was brought up not to be a home-wrecker so I love him silently and very deeply. How does one get over this? I’ve never experience this before not even in my relationships. I feel a pull towards him that is very strong yet I can’t break it–I’ve tried. Any suggestions? Can u be in limerence for someone u haven’t even met?
DOROTHY MAITLAND says
The strong feelings I had for my LO are now feelings I would have for a very good friend – and he continues to be a friend. However, in my attempt to free myself from the limerent obsession for him, I have now unintentionally transferred the limerence to another LO who is nearer my age and “available”. He likes me but not to the same extent as I like him. I fantasize about him all the time while he’s content to see me once a week. I don’t want to seem anxious for more of his time but find the days between seeing him drag and I can’t get through those days quickly enough. I’m in another limerent situation and I’m stuck.
Zoe says
I have always been prone to limerence and had several LOs so far. When my LO wouldn’t reciprocate, I try all kinds of tricks to get his attention. Now, being well in my 40s, I have realised I don’t know which is worst, if he does reciprocate or if he doesn’t. I also think limerence is a behavioural disorder because I have always needed to have someone to suffer for. If I see he will reciprocate, I lose interest momentarily. My husband also was my LO, but he started being so only after I saw he didn’t have interest in me as I expected him to. A couple of years ago, when my last LO disappeared and abruptly stopped replying to me, I contacted detectives to find him and see if everything was fine with him. At the moment, I am going through a new LE, which started one and a half years ago. I am even considering moving to another country to be close to him. I know this is not right, but it seems (real) life doesn’t interest me. Sad, but true. I’m thinking that was also why I never considered having children and leading a typical family life… knowing my focus has to always be elsewhere.
On the Lim says
I have lived with limerence all my life
There is no question where it came from
I was an orphan so the whole “attachment style” exercise is difficult because for the first year of my life I had no parents
Ah! So that’s where it comes from, yeah?
Uh well the orphanage told my adopting parents that one PARTICULAR care giver had FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME and given me overdoses of attention she had to be cautioned not to over do it.
Ah so that’s why I attach the way I do? Because of all the exaggerated affection I was given in my first year?
Ah, but… how do we know they don’t tell every adoptive parent that great news–“you got the strongest flower in the hothouse–watered every day etc” ?
So! I was adopted into a family of 3 older sisters who despised me.
Ah! So that’s where I get my attachment style! I had three women role models who taught me how easy it is to manipulate men into becoming total slaves to their emotions for my sisters.
I do not brag. All three of my sisters were knockout gorgeous and each married at least one millionaire.
The middle one became a psychology professor and despised me the least and so we kind of relate because she too was adopted into the family where the other girls are home made cookies* [*adoption culture jargon for those who aren’t *store-bought cookies like we two]
But so I attach the way I do because I was physically abused by dropdead gorgeous people? And related to the one sibling who didn’t? Gottit!
Oh wait. But the woman who adopted me abandoned the entire family and ran off with the man who became my step father before I could even talk or have memory of her being in our family. The only women in our family were the cops my sisters became towards me.
In public I would see the light of other women shine the sight of me… that gushing maternal melt down women give involuntarily… coz of something cute I just did–only be booed off the stage by older sisters jealous of my new found audience who then tell everyone that I AM ONLY DOING IT TO SHOW OFF and that if they knew what it was like to live with such a bratty nuisance they would despise me… none of the secondary gain that parents get from having their toddler light up the face of strangers–just 3 beautiful girls trying to control their slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails who doesn’t deserve the adoring looks of strangers and needs to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP….
Ah so that’s where my attachment style comes from? Gottit!
Wait… no. My mother who adopted me would bring us on holidays and spoil us rotten. With me even more so. I LIKED IT. I WANTED MORE. but she controlled it and now years later when I mention it as adults they refuse to believe I was sexually abused but that’s when the fantasy started
I would talk to my mother who abused me in ways that I didn’t know were bad and could not understand why they STOPPED and how she denied they ever happened (gas lighting)
Ah! So that’s were my attachment style came from? Gottit!
But wait my dad then re married and our new step mother is an alcoholic university professor with 3 PhD so KNOWS BETTER THAN US! And the violence begins. She is violent when SOBER and sweet when drunk on weekends. We’d get excited for her to be drunk again so she could turn into the molesting love bomber who’d come kiss us good night in a twenty minute hug that I sure wasn’t gunna let go of!
Hahaha so that’s where my attachment style came from?!
No
But limerence was an easy path
It turned me into an artist and helped write several manuscripts and even a commercially viable play
I had healthy relationships till I was 25 and became limerant for seven years with *the one*
Our romance lasted two but it took 5 years of hell to get over her.
I wasted 3 wonderful women’s time during this period thinking I’d get over LO
LO abetted the agony by allowing me to call her on her birthday once a year… my SO was never aware… then one day I had a massive career gain. I’d been PUBLISHED and my LO was also a writer.
I sent copies of that first book to LOTSA PEOPLE. All my mentors. Even my sisters (who grew into well heeled fine balanced adults compared to me!)
Of course I sent the book to my LO
This was the proudest show of all love… an entire inlay written in dedication to her and basically saying I wrote this FOR YOU and now I can die happy etc
A week later… I get a call
It’s a Voice that hits
“On the Lim?”
Yes! She’s calling she got the book! Here goes!
I say “yes… I been waiting for you to call.”
She says “I’ve got something important to tell you and I need you to hear this”
Me still excited and ready so say “go ahead”
“I don’t want you to ever contact me again. I am hanging up now. *click*”
And my limerence (for her) was DEAD!
OH MY! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! that was 20 years ago!
I swore I would never get trapped again.
As it happens I realize it does return at the GLIMMER stage A LOT and that much of my choices in where I buy pastries is because of the sweet rapport I might have with the staff that brews into qualified limerence
But instead 6 years ago I got brutally assaulted in the street and put in hospital. The perp went to prison. But the systemic process was agony
In short–my career suddenly came to a halt and I am certified with PTSD
I have lots of therapy and tools and help as a VICTIM OF CRIME so it has been a long way round the mountain to say
PTSD is CURE for limerence in the same way gasoline is a cure for alcoholic tendency
Ptsd is basically all the same shit… except
None of the euphoria none of the validation
SUPPORT or safe spaces or infrastructure are required for both states…
In the past when I’d get limerence it was a sign my life was off track.
This time it is a sign my ptsd is maturing and maybe healing
Because I have been immersed in cognitive bt and creating a dance therapy program for other survivors of crime–i have a track I can pursue for those GLIMMERS that are now beginning to appear in the eyes of pastry makers
My therapist and I finished our sessions once she realized I’ve been given all the tools and we have covered all my past
At one point early on when we were getting nowhere and I was still having weekly MELTDOWNS (not an exaggeration–these were serious displays of outburst that no dignified person wants to aspire to)
Se said this
“The point of any therapy Mr On the Lim is that you IMPROVE
otherwise
It’s not working!”
I almost had a relapse of limerence which includes all the voice over rehearsals of how we might explain ptsd to a new LO and oh my oh my its almost the same as thinking of my assailant hijacking my head.
Coming to LwL has been an extraordinary help
I send love and support to all My fellow lims
I think most of us are highly super intelligent and that’s the crux!
Ryan says
I just found out about limerence and this site and it perfectly describes my situation. I am so glad to have a better understanding of what I am going through, but what I am going through is not an easy situation. I have an LO and they happen to be my employee. For 3 plus years this woman has worked for me in a small office and I never thought a thing of it. Yes, she is attractive but I am attracted to a lot of women and never think too much of it. About 3 months back the glimmer happened (I now know what that is), and I started looking at her different, starting thinking of her more, to the point over about a 2-3 period to where I was full on fantasizing over her and craving her attention. What locked me in to full limerence is that she mildly reciprocates in glances, smiles, and flirty conversation with me. Some outside work hours texting too, but nothing overt.
Granted, because of limerence these seem like positive reciprocations, but in actuality they are probably just friendly and cordial neutral interactions. I am fairly sure she is not experiencing the same feelings as me though I do think she respects me professionally and personally.
At this point I have come up with a strategy to back way off and treat her in a more direct professional manner, but I have to not cross a line where its weird. I stay in my office a bit more rather than roam to her desk. And I dare not do any work related out of office stuff alone with her. I don’t text either and I muted her on social media so I don’t see her IG posts. That is all recipe to feed the craving. I dare not tell her any of this, she is married with a family and so am I. I don’t want to burden her or do her any harm to her marriage (or mine). I also told my best guy friend about it so that I don’t do anything stupid in the workplace.
Now, I just hope I can find a way to cope and deal with it and maybe over time it subsides. My relationship with my wife is good (though she was never an LO) and I want to focus more energy and attention on her.
One good sidenote to all this…because my LE has given me a bit of a sick stomach I have eaten less lately, focused on working out more and lost 12 unwanted pounds in the last month. I have about 20 more to go to my ideal weight.
Yuhuan says
I feel this way about a man I went on one date with. He’s so charming. I can’t get him out of my mind.
Nick says
Is it limerence when you’ve actually had an affair with someone? In my case I started getting involved with a guy who was married to someone else. Initially it was just a bit of fun and I thought that was his issue to manage. However over time we grew closer and spent a lot of time together, and he told me he had been planning to change the relationship with his SO for a while but would take time etc. He even met my family (I live abroad in his country) and we went on holiday together a couple of times, even staying with my family.
However things never changed and I confronted him and he told me he thought the best thing was to stay with the husband. I tried to break it off at that point, but I’ve really struggled as I just can’t stop thinking about him all the time. I hang on every message, joy when we see each other, and then desperation when I think about not having him in my life. Has this triggered some kind of limerence, or is it just the normal process of trying to break up with someone?
Lovisa says
Hi Nick,
You might be experiencing limerence. There is a quiz you can take.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/are-you-a-limerent/
Best wishes!
ZN says
I stumbled upon the concept of limerence by complete accident, and began to research about it online which brought me to this blog. As someone who has experienced this feeling many times in my life, I’m glad to know that there is a word that describes what I’ve felt and that I’m not alone in it.
That said, I’m currently experiencing another bout of limerence. The current LO is someone I had met and became friends with about a month ago from now. I recall the spark occurring that day when I met them, but I brushed it off initially, thinking it was only a slight infatuation that would subside. They then invited me out to join them in a hobby that they regularly engage in, and I readily accepted without hesitating, noticing on a subconscious level that something was festering as I was spending time with them. About a week or two after that, we attended a concert together and then strolled around downtown and went back to our respective homes on the same train afterwards, and that was when I noticed that I was experiencing a bliss that I had thought I had forgotten about. Another couple of weeks later, I go through an awful break up with an abusive ex (who also happened to be my previous LO), and for whatever reason, I decided to confide in my current LO of all people about what I was going through, and we talked for a few hours, which has only intensified the limerence.
So where does the uncertainty come in even if we’re both already good friends, the interactions between us are typically positive, and there is more or less relatively nothing stopping me from telling my LO that I’m in love with them? It’s me. Once again, just went through a bad breakup, so I want to give myself time to heal, and also because I just don’t want to rush things. I’m also just kind of afraid that they may not like me back, even though I’m also fine with just being friends with them because our friendship is more important to me than unrequited desires. Then again, I can’t help but feel that maybe they also feel the same way about me as I do for them, since they’ve shown some signs of it before. But at the same time, I feel like I’m maybe reading too deep into it and seeing things that aren’t there. I honestly don’t know if I’m being delusional and/or if I’m resorting to this just to ease the sting of the recent breakup or not, but one thing’s for certain, I’m definitely experiencing a limerence towards a friend of mine, and I can’t confess my feelings to them yet because I know I need more time to heal, and I feel it’s too soon for me to do so right now.
ZN says
Sorry, glimmer, not spark. I meant to say glimmer. My mind’s a bit fuzzy with all this newfound knowledge that I just gained regarding limerence.
GBP says
I am stunned. All of the defining features fit me to a “T”. I am voraciously reading all of the blog posts and it is like reading different chapters of my life story. My LO walked into my 5th grade classroom, and (as I would relate to her later in an email), “it was as if all the other girls were now drawn in faded shades of gray and white, while she was drawn in the most vibrant of colors, with sparkles, and rainbows, and … magic!” A mutual crush developed, but at 11 years old I was completely unable to communicate affection to any girl (at least in part from having been relentlessly picked on about girls by older siblings). We did share a puppy love moment or two, with her resting her feet on mine in science class. It was heaven! No words between us were ever spoken, beyond “what is your favorite color?”, etc.
LO’s family moved after 6th grade, and I was devastated. I don’t know at what point the reveries began. I had always been prone to them, being kind of a dreamer & thinker (my 3rd grade teacher affectionately referred to me as “the absentminded professor”). And I can’t remember now how often LO floated in and out of my reveries. Throughout high school the extreme shyness continued, with additional disappointments with girls, and more and more frequent daydreams about them. So satisfying, to make out with the prettiest girl in the class, if only in your head…
Over the years LO would occasionally drift back into my consciousness. I could get out an old yearbook and get a quick dopamine fix (I recognized it as such, but did not see the strengthening addiction coming).
I am a happily married man and have been with the same wife for 35 years, and have never cheated physically (reveries are a different story). After a very busy life/career, I retired at 60, and now I had time to reflect on my life. Guess who started popping up? The internet had matured such that with enough determination, I was able to find her and make contact (it thrills me just to type about it here). The process of finding her strengthened the addiction. It was like a treasure hunt, with each solved piece of the puzzle bringing a great rush, feeling like the big payoff was imminent.
I made clear I was married, and not up to any funny business, just wanting to be friends (and I was very sincere). What I really truly wanted was to tell her what I was unable to tell her in 5th/6th grade, hear her reciprocation that yes, she had a big crush on me too. And then, I wanted to say “We would have been great together, but it wasn’t meant to be. I never even got to say goodbye to you. Now I have that. So goodbye, LO, and I wish you everything great life has to offer.”
It did not go well. First of all, she had only a vague memory of me. She was very hesitant to interact with me, because (1) I am married, and (2) she lives a very successful, busy life. I now know that by her not responding to every email she was unintentionally strengthening my condition. Eventually, I could not take it any more and requested a call with her. She relented, and it did not go the way I hoped, mostly because my brain was being partially run by a 12 year old stammering love struck kid. But…I was not fully rejected, and not fully over her.
A few more attempts at explaining my fascination with her culminated with an exchange of pictures, and with the realization that there could be no friendship with a GODDESS (I realize now that my inability to see any flaws in her is part of my sickness – surely they must be there). I then realized I had to let go of her, and tried a somewhat conventional psychological method of crying my eyes out (catharsis), and committing to sobriety from her.
I am proud of myself for being able to figure out my own internals enough to recognize the patterns of addiction, the escalation, and the need to save my marriage (I was not that far from buying a plane ticket to see her). I am committed to recovery. The reconnection to LO has all happened in the last two months, and I have a long way to go. When I discovered this website and it blew my mind to realize that I’m not the only one.
I have a few questions about aspects of my story that may be a little different:
(1) Mine is not like the normal case of seeing someone on a regular basis, but rather the unavoidable, unfortunate interruption of what might have developed into a healthy relationship had she not moved. Do you know of other cases like this? Kids move all the time. Does that dynamic play a common role in the development of limerence?
(2) My interpretation (before reading livingwithlimerance.com) would have been that (a) I formed a bond/relationship that was meaningful, (b) the bond was severed, (c) there was no resolution, and the lack of resolution was what my mind desperately sought. When someone breaks up with you, they tell you why, you fight, you cry, you move on. When someone disappears off the planet, and you are 12 years old, and you have no counselor, and your parents don’t know this girl exists, your incompletely formed brain deals with it in the way mine did (yearning, reveries, anything to get that feeling back). But the key to me was the lack of closure. Had I been able to even just say goodbye to her, I don’t know that any of this would have happened. Thoughts?
(3) Are you sure I can’t just send her a link to this website? I so very badly want her to understand that my condition is legitimate. I want her to understand that my crazy out of the blue obsession with her (which I acknowledged to her is also very weird for me) is a function of brain chemicals, etc. and does not mean that I’m a psychopath, etc. Is ALL contact forbidden during recovery?
Adam says
GBP
I will give it a shot though I can not say I can completely relate as you felt this attachment to her that you did not understand at so very young of an age.
1) “Does that dynamic play a common role in the development of limerence?”
Everyone’s limerence is different. When LO moved and all I had was ruminations, it did make it difficult to pull out of the limerence. It’s been 15 months of NC on her part due to leaving the job that we met at. I still have the small failing, letting myself ruminate, checking her online status, etc.
But yes the absence of an LO can make it difficult for the limernet. Add on to the fact that you really had no closure and were left with uncertainty of how she felt as she never adequately expressed it to you. I didn’t have that issue as LO was fairly direct and left no lingerings that she saw me as any more than a co-worker.
But as I said you and her being so young, a lot of things were out of your hands at that time. For instance her moving. So I can’t say to much of the years that passed that despite being happily married, the limerence lingered all those years.
2)”Had I been able to even just say goodbye to her, I don’t know that any of this would have happened. Thoughts?”
I said goodbye to LO and it didn’t make easy. Possibly easier. The thing about closure in limerence is there’s always the chance it’s not what you want to hear. Perhaps you don’t mean that much to her and it was just friendly. Getting closure can also cause issues that you might not think of. What if LO reported me to HR for disclosing these enthusiastic feelings I felt for her despite keeping it 100% professional in the work setting?
Closure is a two edged sword. Much like disclosure there is many risks. Some that maybe more painful than not knowing for sure. Think how you might react if some woman said she was “obsessed” with you in a casual setting. As that’s how limerence can come off to people that don’t know what you are going through. And especially when you don’t know what you are going through yourself. Everyone in the office teased me I had a crush on her. A behavior I couldn’t see due to the limerence.
It’s fine to desire a friendly goodbye with someone that is leaving your life. Another of my co-workers left the job, sliding out the back and never saying goodbye and it hurt a bit. I enjoyed working with her. She was fun lady. It’s the disclosing the limerence that can be dangerous. Thankfully there are other posters with much more insight on disclosure than myself.
3)”Are you sure I can’t just send her a link to this website? Is ALL contact forbidden during recovery?”
This is much like what I posted in #2 about disclosure. Only you can know what is best for you and her. My wife traced me here from articles I had given her of Dr. L’s when I confessed to her about my limerence. And it was quite painful for her to repeat some things I had first posted 8 months ago when I found this place. To see the hurt in her eyes wondering how I could say the things that I did about another woman. She doesn’t post often but I feel she reads a lot. You know LO, yourself and your wife more than any of us. Hopefully some other posters will come along and have more pointed information than my ramblings.
GBP says
Thanks for that. I will continue reading these articles for answers, but I was curious what the consensus is on informing spouses of your limerence. On the one hand, I would like to able to tell my spouse anything and everything, and have her be understanding. But I suspect that it would be very difficult for her, and I do not believe she would be understanding. My conscience is clear (I felt guilty, but I did not act on my irrational feelings, and those feelings were not willed into existence by me, they just … appeared). My thought is to keep it to myself and not put my wife through it. That position is based on my 35 years of living with my wife, and everyone seems to be saying “well, only you know your wife…”
MJ says
GBP,
I applaud your efforts to reach this obviously special LO you have had for most of your life. Nobody can ever take that away from you. She is special and always will be in your heart. However, I don’t know if you consider LO entirely in this instance.
For her, this is an extraordinary situation that has come to her out of the blue. From how you have mentioned the interactions between you and her thus far, it seems like she is mediocre about her continuing any friendship with you. While I’m not there to actually hear those conversations in tone, my advice here is to tread carefully. I wouldn’t go over the top trying to explain to LO your fascination over her, that has lasted forever. Especially since you consider yourself happily married.
Believe me, I understand that as a limerent, we don’t always think straight before we act. Sometimes we don’t even act and still make a mess of things (my LE in its entirety) I’m afraid if you push the obsession issue over LO to her, it’s only going to further any chance of maintaining a level of friendship here, which is what I believe you should strive for. It would not be fair to your Wife either, to revel in this obsessive state over another person. Especially with the years you have together. Take this from somebody who messed things up with his SO after almost 25 good years of friendship and a marriage to boot.
My LE has lasted only one year. I fell into it by accident. I never knew I could become so addicted to another human being. I believe I made a lot of bad choices that ultimately led to this LE. Yet that does not give me an excuse to expect any more from LO just because I wasn’t thinking straight. She is a Woman almost half my age. Young enough to be my Daughter and we work together. I need to keep that in mind foremost, so I don’t do anything more obtuse than I already have. She has a life and I am trying to respect that. We may never be even close to what I can only dream of us being. But I cannot expect LO to conform to me if she just isn’t on the same page yet.
My story has been posted countless times in this forum already. If you look hard enough you can find it. Feel free to reply here, should you choose. Either way, welcome to Lwl and good luck..
IMHO says
Hi GBP, sorry I’m bit short on time to fully answer and probably not best placed person. There is a least one person who comments here who has had limerence kick in for someone decades after they met/dated, which must be very unsettling.
Not sure if you have seen this blog as it is from some time ago now, some of it maybe useful to help you work through what is happening.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-cant-i-get-over-my-first-love/
I personally would not explain limerence to your LO, and maybe not your SO (only you can decide on that one) maybe first of all figure out yourself what’s happening, utilising the resources on this site and other places, and then work through it to come up with a plan. Your new treasure hunt of self discovery this time, not treasure hunt for LO.
It may take some time.
best wishes.
gbp says
Thank you. Loved “treasure hunt of self discovery”. Insights are cascading down regularly, like icebergs “calving” in my mind. This morning I realized that I have complained about (and gone to therapists concerning) a “flatness” in life that has never gone away. It borders on depression, but is more just a failure to get excited about anything. Things that other people find fascinating and thrilling I just find … meh. This morning’s insight is that the “glimmer” I experienced when LO walked into my 5th grade classroom was so breathtaking (and of course the imaginary perfect version of her I later constructed when she was unattainable) that everything else in life is just dull and pales in comparison. I did experience the glimmer euphoria again in the early days of the relationship with my eventual wife, but as predicted, it fades over time and everything returns to dull and uninteresting (and frustrating, and cumbersome, etc.). It is truly an addiction story. That I managed to live a pretty good life to this point not ever realizing that I had the childhood craving for the equivalent of heroin is really amazing to me. That one experience with the equivalent of heroin could cause a relapse 50 years later blows my mind.
Nisor says
Correction: a treasure of posts
Nisor says
Welcome to the world of limerence GBP
Your story have a few features that coincides with mine. After 49 years of not seeing or speaking or knowing anything about Lo I had a dream with Lo and that night limerence took over my brain and thoughts. I’m dealing with it now as I keep on reading Dr. L’s posts to mitigate the uncertainties and the desire for closure of the “unfinished business “with LO. (I didn’t say goodbye I just disappeared from Lo’s world, we didn’t talk about the breakup and we weren’t kids!)
First, read as much as you can on this blog to get an idea of what works and what doesn’t, according to the experience of Dr.L and the other limerents.
There’s a treasure of blogs listed to help you with your case.
Second, dont disclose to your SO(wife) it will only hurt her. Try to gather as much info as you can before you do anything.
Third: don’t give the site to your LO , because it will constrain you
from expressing yourself freely.
I understand you badly want a resolution for closure, but take it easy for the time being and read the blogs which deal with closure and why it’s not wise. If LO is not Limerent she would probably not understand the concept, as even many, many therapists don’t even know about it either. Keep committed to sobriety from her(Lo). You’ll understand why as you read the experiences of others.
Sorry I can’t be of much help, but each one has to deal with this issue as best as they can without complicating it.
Wish you the best and keep posting here.
Nisor says
GBP,
One post that will be interesting to read is: Living with Limerence/If I only knew”
Sorry I don’t know how to post it here. Not tech savvy…
IMHO says
Hi Nisor, i was hoping you would reply to GBP, as some similarities between your LEs. I agree to not disclosing limerence to either LO or SO. It’s a phenomenon we need to work through ourselves with help from LwL😊
Here is the link you referred to. It’s a good one I’ve not read myself before:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/if-i-only-knew/
Thanks
gbp says
Thank you. Sage advice. Our stories are strangely coincidental. Depending on how you count it, it was after 48 or 49 years that I too had a very significant dream. My LO died in the dream, and I then had to find out if she really died in waking life. I became obsessed with just finding her, not with any intent of starting up anything with her, just knowing if she was alive and how her life had gone, and getting what I thought of as “closure”.
Regarding closure, after reading much on this site, the thing I was calling closure to me is that reciprocation thing. If she had only reciprocated, then or now, then that is what I imagine would have felt like closure. But that does not seem to be what others have experienced.
Nisor says
GBP, good morning.
“The thing I was calling closure to me is that reciprocating thing”.
Exactly, that’s what I think all limerents (and or non limerents) want to know. It was my aim/goal to contact LO, who was my SO for three years when we were both single and very much in love.)
When he called at seven Am one morning after I have become cold turkey with him, he said: “this is , (he said his name and last name,)and I have never before loved another woman more than you.” And I said: “ now it’s too late” he said: “ I just wanted you to know that.” And I said: “ I have to hang up because it’s late and I have to get ready for work.” That was the very last time we talked until 49 years later(last year) when I had the dream of him. (Details on LwL/dreams)I searched and found his number and address, I took me five months before I could call. I was hesitant of the outcome. What if he doesn’t remember, would he hang up on me, reject me etc. I asked myself if I would be mentally prepared for a rejection?. Nonetheless, I called and it went just fine, very emotional. We exchanged stories (I have posted the story this month somewhere in here). At one point I told him :” you know you’re the love of my live”, and he replied: “ sorry you feel that way.” No problem for me because I knew many years have passed and he was healed, or he was been vindictive for how I answered to his love cry 49 years
before.(I did love him but were resentful with him, it was uncouth and rude the way I answered him then, now I’m paying for it). I
was not pretending to get a reciprocal answer, though it would have been nice and closure for sure…
I called for the second time, talked various things and he asked me:” have you found happiness in your life.” I said yes I have, etc.
At one point in the conversation he told me: “you were not patient, have you waited a little longer our lives would be different now. It was not meant to be, it was fate or maybe God.” Wow, I didn’t know what to reply for I’m an introvert and need time to think when Lo speaks about our relationship. It always happens with him. I just said: “ I know you loved me and I loved you too and we were the envy of everybody…” he interrupted to say: “ but you listened to your friends” which is not true.
I changed the subject unconsciously, it’s became too much for me to handle without braking up. At one point he said “ I only have good memories of you.” At other time he thanked me : “ thank you for reminiscing me in your mind.” But he never admitted that I hurt him or that he loved me still….
It’s very painful to go through this all the time. Even these two times I called. Besides his wife is in “charge” of his phone and there’s a female voice recording answering the phone… therefore it’s forced No contact for me. Very sad I can’t talk to him. Though I can write to him. But it is a one side communication. No good, I won’t accept it, period. I’m trying to come to accept the loss… I’m married and have grandchildren. Just working on this and hoping it will pass … patience is the key word. It has to pass, and live with just the good memories .
Too long a poster, but it’s a very long story.
Courage and blessings to you.
Louisa says
I am new to this website and trying to figure out the meaning of limerance. I seem to fairly ish frequently experience deep feelings of chemistry with strangers and this feeling is so all-consuming and seems to devour my mind and make my body experience the most intense physical longing for the object of my desire. The trouble is I have a boyfriend of 3 years and the honeymoon period is over, so I am struggling. I feel immature and angry at myself for feeling this well. I went to a party this evening and danced all night with a stranger. The connection I felt was magical and intense. I can look objectively and see the person may not be traditionally attractive, but my God the situation was intense and I felt like I fell in love in one day. I can see that this kind of feeling is not ‘normal’ and in the past I have cheated on multiple people by feeling such deep desire. I feel ashamed of my behaviour. I know logically that this strong feeling of attraction and chemistry will not last, but I don’t know how to stop ‘falling’ for so many guys. I want to marry one day but I am scared the temptation will be too great to resist and I will break everything. Oh, and as a side note I am incredibly jealous, definitely due to my own thoughts and bad behaviour. Can anyone please help me or give me advice?
Lovisa says
Hi Louisa!
I am impressed with your self awareness and desire to change. Yay Louisa! I love your growth mindset.
Let’s address a few things from your post that stood out to me. First, it is okay and normal to have feelings for other people even though you are in a committed relationship. It sounds like your feelings are more frequent and more intense than most people. That is okay. Please don’t shame yourself for your feelings. Maybe you could try an inner dialogue of something like this, “Oh boy, I’m feeling attracted to that man. Oh nuts, it’s intense. I don’t know why I get these intense feelings. I didn’t choose this. I get to choose how I respond. I will show myself compassion and accept that I get these intense feelings sometimes. I will remind myself to respond in a way that aligns with my goals. I will do the right thing no matter how I feel.” You can do a better job of writing yourself a game-plan that reflects your values. “I might feel like doing this, but I will choose to do that instead.” By the way, we have a commentator on LwL who would be helpful to you, I think. I hope C is for Cat reads your post. If I can find her early posts, I will share a link. She had a similar problem, but she is doing better. She has been seeing a therapist and she talked to her SO about her struggles. Her SO is helpful and supportive.
The other thing I would like to address is that I wonder if therapy would help your situation.
I am so happy that you reached out for help. Best wishes!
-Lovisa