Today’s topic was proposed by reader Mana, who wondered about the benefits of writing a letter to LO. That struck me as a subject that could benefit from the distributed wisdom of the LwL community, so it seems like a good option for the next “coffeehouse” post.
The genesis of this idea is the unique advantage of having time to compose your thoughts and craft the precise message you want to convey to LO, and to figure out your feelings by having to organise them into a coherent story. There is also the safety of being able to deliver it and disappear, avoiding the messiness of trying to burble out some intelligible words while they stare at you with their captivating eyes, and then wait for their response while trying to retain your composure.
But is it a good idea? Do the pluses outweigh the minuses? Here are some of the benefits and risks that occur to me.
Benefits of writing to LO
The first and most obvious benefit is that you can control disclosure in a way that isn’t so easy in person. It’s hard to express yourself clearly when overaroused. With a letter, you can choose your words with care, take time to refine your message, and be confident that you deliver your disclosure in the way you want to.
For people who are not naturally confident, or articulate, or good at thinking on their feet, this can be a real benefit. The stakes are high when it comes to disclosure. Getting it right can seem like a big deal (whether or not that’s true is incidental), and so the pressure of nerves that can build up can be enough to scramble your thoughts in the moment. Handing over a well-crafted letter is far less vulnerable to blunders.
Another big benefit of writing a letter to LO is that you can use it to organise your thoughts, for your own good. Whether or not you end up giving the letter to LO, many people report a therapeutic benefit from expressing themselves honestly and openly on paper (or screen). Imagining LO while telling them how you feel can be sufficient to give some emotional release. Even writing a letter that you never intend to send, to an LO you should not disclose to, can be cathartic.
Risks of writing to LO
The most obvious risk is incrimination. Once you write a letter disclosing your innermost thoughts and feelings, they are made permanent. A record exists of your mindset in the midst of your limerence experience.
Now, that could be an educational exercise if you revisit your letter after the limerence has passed (and gawp in wonder at the altered state of mind that you were in), but if someone else gets hold of the evidence, you will have to deal with the consequences of discovery.
Obvious risks are a toxic LO who will somehow use this sensitive knowledge to keep you hooked or manipulate your emotions, or an innocent SO who suddenly discovers that their life is not nearly as secure as they believed. In the most stark reading of the situation, a letter to LO is proof of an emotional affair, with the avalanche of consequences that “emotional infidelity” can bring.
Another risk is the unpredictability of LO’s response to your disclosure. When writing a letter to LO, you’re actually writing to the LO in your head. Most limerents think they have a good understanding of their LO, but actual real life people react differently to imaginary avatars. They might flip out, or get embarrassed and avoid you, or they might even reciprocate. You can control the crafting of the letter, but you can’t control the outcome once it exists in the world.
Should you write a letter?
Weighing the risks and benefits really comes down to understanding your intentions in writing a letter. If you are looking for a way to disclose to an LO you are free to have a relationship with, but are shy about talking face to face, then it can be a great idea. If you are looking for a way to purge pent up emotions in an indirect way, it can give some fleeting relief. However, if you are limerent for someone you don’t want to be limerent for, or there are serious barriers that mean you cannot be together, a letter that outlines your innermost feelings can be an unexploded bomb.
Despite my proclivity for writing, I’ve never sent an LO a letter of disclosure, so can’t offer any personal anecdotes about how it worked out. So, I’ll end with a call for action from the community:
Letters to LO? What do we think? Share your stories and your thoughts!
I think writing a letter is a very bad idea. I’m not a fan of big, heavy disclosures, written or otherwise. It’s a lot to take on for the other person and kind of dumps your feeling on them … and then puts it on all of them to respond. Of course, it depends on your interaction/relationship with the LO. If the interactions have been flirty and/or relatively superficial, a big disclosure would be strange. It’s like going off into the deep end when you’ve only been swimming in the 3-foot pool. And if you’re friends, it can be awkward or maybe even surprising. If you’re both available, better just to ask the person on a date. It gets your interest across and gives them a chance to respond to something tangible. And use the word “date” so everybody is on the same page. And then see what they do.
If one or both of you is not available, a letter is an even worse idea, for reasons stated in the post. If you really want to disclose, there are ways to do it, in person or maybe even over the phone, that can get the idea across in about a sentence or two. But I wouldn’t put any of that in writing. And I’d save the deep, emotional declarations until you know the other person feels the same way.
I have spent effort crafting an email to LO a few times now. They were not deeply emotional or even direct disclosures per se, more like a subtle hint and an invitation to talk about it one-2-one. Fear of the consequences of bringing this into the open between us stopped me actually sending them each time. I have a draft email saved though, with the intention of sending when LO and I no longer work together.
The experience of writing these emails was cathartic but also increased the intensity of my LE… slowly perfecting the wording of the email, and carefully working out what I would say, and how to best say it, if he accepted my invitation for a one-2-one became very obsessive. So in the end, I found this exercise to be just another form of limerence indulging reverie and rumination, one best avoided if I want to live well.
That’s a good point. If the letter becomes a way of polishing a rumination fantasy, it would be counterproductive to recovery. Especially if you complement it with a lovely new fantasy about how LO will react once they receive the letter (in exactly the way you want them to)…
It comes back to motive – is it a purge of feelings, or a new form of reverie?
Writing letters to former LOs have been the causes of the greatest humiliations of my life!!!
When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century. (Insert eye roll here).
ALL the feelings are poetically described, even the ones you should never reveal unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are reciprocated!
One letter never reached LO as he had moved to pursue a romance I knew nothing about and the letter was retrieved by an old friend who wrote to me to tell me he was very sorry to say that LO had moved overseas. I’m sure this dignified older friend read it and I am more than horrified…
Another letter I intended to read personally to a LO but when the time came I became so overwhelmed with emotion I could not get the words out and so he grabbed it and read it and then refused to give it back and left with it! When I came to my senses I was mortified when I considered the content and demanded to have it returned, which he refused. At first I took this as a sign of his love for me (another eye roll please)but when I started to doubt that love I realized how reading this letter with his buddies was not an impossibility and I became frantic!
I harassed him incessantly to give it back and he taunted me “I could give it back but how do you know I haven’t made a copy?”
I eventually got it back (it took months!) but what if there is a copy?
Oh I could go on, but I am feeling woozy just by recalling these blunders.
Never, never, never write a letter revealing your heart when in the throes of unreciprocated limerence!!
“but when I started to doubt that love I realized how reading this letter with his buddies was not an impossibility and I became frantic!”
This happened to me. It wasn’t even a disclosure letter. Just a “chatty, friendly” card to a guy I had a crush on in high school who had expressed some level of interest, or so I thought. My friend told me she saw him in the halls reading it to his friends and making fun of me. There wasn’t anything in the card that was that bad but it was still humiliating. What a turd-it that guy was. So I have never put anything in writing again. Unless I am sure how the other person feels and there has been some kind of relationship/dating/interest established.
Yes! It takes self control but our future selves will be so glad we didn’t bare our souls prematurely!
I really think the letter or even a really heavy verbal confession is a bad idea. Years ago, a guy I’d had a a very casual relationship with for about a month (he ended it) called me out of the blue after no contact or seeing each other for a year. He told he was in love with me. It kind of put me on the spot. And what could I say? It’s either “I’m in love with you” or “I’m not in love with you.” There didn’t seem to be a lot of wiggle room there. It was a lot to throw at me and felt like an all or noting prospect. He should have just asked to meet up. Then I could have determined if I had any interest. And, maybe, if things progressed, THEN he could have told me how he felt.
“My friend told me she saw him in the halls reading it to his friends and making fun of me. There wasn’t anything in the card that was that bad but it was still humiliating.”
@Marcia.
Yes, never underestimate the crudity and immaturity of teenage boys – or the crudity and immaturity of teenage girls, for that matter. In hindsight, none of my peers in high school seemed to possess the smallest glimmer of emotional intelligence. (Have no idea how they got themselves into serious relationships as adults. Not my business. Not my concern). I’m going to be charitable, and suggest adolescence itself must have been the root cause of any gratuitous unpleasantness that went on…
I actually really like all the young people I know today. Their manners are lovely. Are young people only really nasty to other young people? 🤔
Jaideux, there ya go!
“Writing letters to former LOs have been the causes of the greatest humiliations of my life!!! When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century. (Insert eye roll here).”
@Jaideux.
Ah, reading your post, I am cringing with you, my dear!! (Not out of judgement.
Out of sheer sympathy). 😜
Honestly, the fact you wrote all those flowery letters makes you seem like a total sweetheart in my eyes. However, being a total sweetheart is not always the same thing as acting prudently, as you’ve already discovered. Had I been in the position of your LO, as someone interested in words and writing, I would have cherished your letters as literary exercises, even if I didn’t reciprocate the sentiments expressed therein.
I wonder, us limerents, are we just … too sentimental for our own good? I dunno. I thought a dash of sentimentality was a good thing? Maybe I’m wrong…
You could always turn a (fictionalised) series of flowery letters into a novel. However, I don’t think you’d want to write a comic novel making fun of a heroine known for the flowery letters she writes ungrateful gentlemen? I think the flowery sentiments limerents express are genuinely felt, even if they’re not everyone’s cup of tea. 😉
If flowery letters are your worst sin in life, honey, you’re doing just fine!! 😆
I actually think if you’re not mature enough to have the conversation face to face, you’re better off not doing anything until you do feel mature, confident and secure in your Self. Otherwise it’s just like a child standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed, thinking they’re “hiding”– if you don’t have the courage and confidence to be eye-to-eye with the other person, I don’t think you’re truly ready. And I say this as someone who has had 4 LOs and never had this courage. That is what I am working on. Not the courage to say something to LO, but the courage to be and know my true Self, completely and unconditionally. Knowing that LO is not central to my narrative. When this topic came up in the forum, I suggested an alternative exercise that I think could actually be more useful:
1) Write the letter that you want to RECEIVE from LO.
2) Read the letter to your child Self, as though your adult Self wrote it.
I think this is useful for 2 reasons: it tells you exactly what you actually want from the LE, and it gives you the power and control to give those things to your Self.
6 years out of my last LE and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Disclosure is always a minefield. I disclosed via email and I got away with it. I destroyed every shred of correspondence LO #4 and I ever exchanged. I have one card LO #2 gave me on my 29th birthday. That, I will never get rid of.
But, I think I was lucky, not good.
I haven’t posted on this website for well over a year now… but I saw this post and simply couldn’t resist.
I’ve spoken before about how I disclosed via a letter in a gift before going no contact and going back to my home country. I think it has its advantages such as not putting unfair pressure on the LO to respond in person in that moment – it is entirely their choice whether to respond to that letter or not. And yes, it’s embarrassing and not necessarily “mature” but this whole experience isn’t a rational one and for me it was a trade off between that or carrying the obsession with me when I returned home and knew I’d never see her again – the risk of perhaps disclosing online via social media instead seemed like an even more embarrassing approach than to do so while we were still in the same vicinity.
I think that with my last couple of LEs that I was aware it was all a bit nutty. I don’t think I’d have wanted to write it down because while it is this amorphous intensity in my mind I can indulge it with magical thinking. But writing it down would have shone a bright light on the ridiculousness.
As Jaideaux said :
‘When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century.’
I wouldn’t dare to. I’d feel exposed to myself as a fool or even a mad person, let alone what anyone might else.
I think a lot of limerents know sonething isn’t functioning quite right during an LE. I wonder if others too shy away from trying to rationalise it on paper to avoid confronting themselves on the page?
*anyone else might think…
No. My goodness. Feelings change. I’m even mortified by stuff I’ve written in my private journals and hope they never see the light of day. Considering any form of communication is about two PEOPLE connecting, and we’ve all established that LO is a figment of imagination, what’s the point? I agree with the person who says it is but another form of rumination.
Now, a letter to your SO explaining about your limerence is one I could recommend, as it is far more controlled and you can think of how to make it as honest as possible while hurting SO the least possible amount.
I wrote a series of 30+ letters to my LO … ! But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this to others. It really depends on your unique scenario.
I needed to write out these letters as a way to sort out all the confusion in my head. At first I did not intend to show it to LO because it is a lot to dump on him. But later I realized I wanted him to understand what I was going through. For context, my LO was like a best friend who became very close to me and after I disclosed, said he couldn’t see me as his partner but continued maintaining a close relationship with me which made my limerence worse.
So that was why, in my personal unique situation, I needed him to understand what he was doing to me. And he actually read all or most of the letters. I send the first few directly to him and then I started to just upload them to a shared Dropbox folder.
I still don’t think he fully understands why I developed limerence and resents me for not able to be his friend because he really needed me as a friend. Anyways, I have stopped feeling guilty and I’ve been in NC for a few months now.
While it was helpful to write all that out to process it all in my head, it still wasn’t enough. I needed to go over all of it again with my new therapist with whom I went through my entire relationship history with LO blow-by-blow, and I think I am finally somewhere on the brink of healing.
“resents me for not being able to be his friend because he really needed me a a friend”
It always amazes me when LO’s selfishly think of their needs above ours, even when we are clearly suffering. Sure, limerents appear to be great friends, but a decent person would go and find this needed friendship with someone who won’t suffer as a result.
Never feel guilty for NC! And congrats on your healing.
Thank you. 🙂
I think my LO might have been super non-limerent to the point that he literally could not understand that I was actually going through this. Which is why simply disclosing to him was not enough. So I wrote those letters to try to make him understand. And I could tell he was confused by it and thought I was mentally unwell and wanted to support me through it. Anyways, he did finally understand and he maintained the NC. I actually had tried to go NC on my end several times and failed because … lol … just didn’t have the strength.
And I kind of hate him for going NC on me, but I suppose I needed it.
Letters can be therapeutic depending on what you do with them.
When I worked with my EAP counselor, she had me write letters to LO #2, LO #4, my dead mother, my dead father, and the dead grandmother who raised me. It seems I had more skeletons in the closet than I thought. Dead people can stay with you a long time.
She role played the recipients as I read them. Some of the sessions got pretty intense but it helped.
Then, I destroyed the letters.
I only knew my LO online. I didn’t write a letter, but I did disclose my feelings, and I now deeply regret it. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but if you have an inconsistent LO who sends mixed messages, I’d steer clear of disclosing. If this person can talk to you a lot one minute and then ignore you for long periods of time and just doesn’t show the kind of interest in you that you show in them, try to reduce or cut contact and move on with your life. I’m in a much better place after almost a year of no contact with my LO. There is healing on the other side of this. You deserve to have your love reciprocated. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t care about you, and do not waste your words of love on them either. I promise, it isn’t going to go like you want it to. That person is not going to suddenly disclose back to you or love you. Cut ties, focus on yourself, and give that love to YOU. If I could go back, I would never have disclosed.
Thank you. This is something I needed to hear (again).
Well said Limerence Survivor. I agree with every word.
I have disclosed to 2 LOs. Both times, the LE got worse because they reciprocated. I recommend against disclosure to LO, usually. However…
My current LO disclosed to me in a text (I guess a text is like a letter). It seems fine so far, at least on my side it’s fine, I can’t speak for him, but he seems fine. We are going on two months since disclosure and our relationship is working quite well. Here is something that seems to make this LE manageable: he is consistently available and I try to do the same for him. Cutting out the uncertainty helps. My last LO was very conflicted about his feelings and frequently pulled away then came back. It was brutal. Because of that experience, I’ve been careful with my current LO to either be available or tell him in advance if I’m going out of town. I don’t know if his feelings are actual limerence or just an attraction, but either way, I don’t want him to feel the anxiety that I felt during my last LE. I’m hopeful the sexual attraction will dissipate and our friendship will remain. So far so good. He hopes for the same results (at least that’s what he said when he disclosed).
That being said, I recommend AGAINST disclosure. It will probably not go well.
That’s interesting to hear Lovisa and reflects something I have always believed… that since the uncertainty, push/pull and self-denial in a mutual attraction inflame the limerence, the limerence becomes much more manageable when you and LO share kind and consistent communication and behaviour, plus stick to a set of mutually agreed boundaries for the relationship.
But as you say, you must take a risk to actually get to that point.
Am I wrong to believe the risk is so well worth it? 🙂
Allie1,
“But as you say, you must take a risk to actually get to that point.
Am I wrong to believe the risk is so well worth it? 🙂”
The answer to that seems largely dependent on if you get away with it and the consequences if you don’t get away with it. To pull it off your LO has to be stable and predictable. So do you.
Threat is a function of capability and intent. New capabilities can develop over time and capabilities can disappear over time. However, things happen in life and intent can turn on a dime. Just because someone isn’t malicious or vindictive doesn’t mean they’re not a threat. Venomous snakes never attack out of malice but they’re still dangerous.
LwL has several posters who claim to have suffered some pretty grim consequences from their LEs.
I’m glad I disclosed to LO #4. Whatever she thought of me, she knew how I was feeling. I don’t live with that “what if?” I got away with it but I wouldn’t do it again.
Yes Allie, it has been my experience that open communication, lack of hot and cold behavior, and well established boundaries are helpful to both minimize limerence and allow for a lovely relationship with my LO.
Even though my current LE is going well, I don’t think the risk is worth it. I recommend against disclosure. I think my relationship with my current LO would have been just as lovely if he hadn’t disclosed. I also think it would have been less complicated.
We’ve had some hiccups along the way. Here are a few things that we wouldn’t have experienced if we were still blind to our mutual attraction.
1. Re-disclosure: we’ve discussed our mutual attraction multiple times since the initial disclosure. Sometimes we’re trying to make sense of it. Sometimes we’re openly flirting. The LE tends to escalate each time.
2. Boundaries: there is an obvious closeness between us. We are more comfortable with close contact than two married people should be. It’s difficult to hide.
3. My SO has had moments of jealousy for my LO.
I just think it’s best not to disclose feelings of attraction for someone if either of you are not available to act on those feelings.
Oh, heartily agree! And the consequences in present day environment can be devastating. NO!
Omg this post. Full disclosure, I’ve realized yesterday that I’ve slipped into limerence. But weeks ago, when I felt the first real dopamine rush (and withdrawal and pain afterwards), I started to write down my thoughts to her. I swear, I now have PAGES of inner thoughts about LO, always going back and forth with “I know it’s unhealthy” and “here are potential scenarios where we finally get together for the first time”.
I mean, look at this first entry:
“[…] Where I fell for your raging fire, it’s the dancing flames of your passion that seem to wreck havoc on my blooming heart. [A.N.: wtf is that even supposed to mean lmao] I was asleep for so long. Numb, with dull edges. Now I feel laser-sharp. You inspire me in ways I haven’t been inspired for so long.
I want to worship your ideas and create beauty for you. I want to fight for you.
I cannot even tell how long it’s been since I felt so much. Since I’ve felt so bold and invested.
I have a good feeling that nothing will ever happen. It’s not your style. And maybe you’re just a rebound that I project onto. But for now, you are my awakening and I will forever be thankful for that. […]”
HOW IN THE HELL could I not see that there’s a problem?!??
So yeah. This post is important. Put it on paper (or screen) for yourself because at some point when you’re ready to face reality you can try, like me, to shame yourself out of limerence.
Thank you for putting it into words. It does feel like an awakening.
“I was asleep for so long…Now I feel laser-sharp. You inspire me in ways I haven’t been inspired for so long.”
My current LO says things like this to me. He’s baffled by how he feels about me. I feel guilty about it. I worry that limerence is contagious and I gave it to him. I intentionally used transference from my last LO to my current LO, but I never intended to infect anyone with the misery of limerence. Since it’s all in my head, I thought my new LO would be unaffected by the transfer. Nope! And, to make it worse, the best friend of my last LO reached out to me on behalf of his friend. It’s like we’re all back in Junior High. I really need to grow up.
So glad I discovered this site. I have a LO who is popular (an artist). Anyway, I disclosed my feelings towards him in letters and it didn’t go so well.
Well, he started becoming obsessed with me later on. I put an end to my obsession in 2019 but I do not believe he is done with his own obsession.
I do believe we both have the exact same vulnerabilities that made us become obsessed with LOs.
Well, I didn’t think an article on this topic could end up being one of my all-time faves on LwL so far, but after perusing the commentary section, I’m feeling surprisingly emotional… I might even need a tissue!! Are limerents just a bunch of secret wannabe letter-writers? And to think I assumed said species of human no longer exists!! Letter-writing – such a throwback to the Victorian era, right? 😆
On a more serious note, I’m going to say what everybody else has already pretty much said – no, don’t write a letter to your LO. Move away from the pen and paper. I repeat, move away from the pen and paper. Do not, under any circumstances, go and make a big fool of yourself. The shame of unwise disclosure will last much longer than the exhilaration of composition… 😉
However, if you must write a letter, don’t give it to LO. Take the letter, stick it in a shoebox for several years, forget about it. Then. one day, when you’re well and truly over your LE and cleaning, you can find that letter again and think: “Oh, so that’s what I was feeling/thinking at that particular point in my life. How interesting!” 😜
I have written a few letters as part of my healing process, she’s now a former LO.
Albeit on Reddit, under a pseudonym as most Reddit accounts are and on the Unsent Letters section.
I have signed a couple of them off with the 1st letter of my 1at name and actually one or two of my recent ones has referred to her nickname! Possibly another referred to her initial, the 1st letter of her 1st name.
It’s left with enough ambiguity not to give the game away I would suggest. It has been cathartic.
In general, write it to your LO via Reddit or some forum under a pseudonym, which has helped me.