Today’s topic was proposed by reader Mana, who wondered about the benefits of writing a letter to LO. That struck me as a subject that could benefit from the distributed wisdom of the LwL community, so it seems like a good option for the next “coffeehouse” post.
The genesis of this idea is the unique advantage of having time to compose your thoughts and craft the precise message you want to convey to LO, and to figure out your feelings by having to organise them into a coherent story. There is also the safety of being able to deliver it and disappear, avoiding the messiness of trying to burble out some intelligible words while they stare at you with their captivating eyes, and then wait for their response while trying to retain your composure.
But is it a good idea? Do the pluses outweigh the minuses? Here are some of the benefits and risks that occur to me.
Benefits of writing to LO
The first and most obvious benefit is that you can control disclosure in a way that isn’t so easy in person. It’s hard to express yourself clearly when overaroused. With a letter, you can choose your words with care, take time to refine your message, and be confident that you deliver your disclosure in the way you want to.
For people who are not naturally confident, or articulate, or good at thinking on their feet, this can be a real benefit. The stakes are high when it comes to disclosure. Getting it right can seem like a big deal (whether or not that’s true is incidental), and so the pressure of nerves that can build up can be enough to scramble your thoughts in the moment. Handing over a well-crafted letter is far less vulnerable to blunders.
Another big benefit of writing a letter to LO is that you can use it to organise your thoughts, for your own good. Whether or not you end up giving the letter to LO, many people report a therapeutic benefit from expressing themselves honestly and openly on paper (or screen). Imagining LO while telling them how you feel can be sufficient to give some emotional release. Even writing a letter that you never intend to send, to an LO you should not disclose to, can be cathartic.
Risks of writing to LO
The most obvious risk is incrimination. Once you write a letter disclosing your innermost thoughts and feelings, they are made permanent. A record exists of your mindset in the midst of your limerence experience.
Now, that could be an educational exercise if you revisit your letter after the limerence has passed (and gawp in wonder at the altered state of mind that you were in), but if someone else gets hold of the evidence, you will have to deal with the consequences of discovery.
Obvious risks are a toxic LO who will somehow use this sensitive knowledge to keep you hooked or manipulate your emotions, or an innocent SO who suddenly discovers that their life is not nearly as secure as they believed. In the most stark reading of the situation, a letter to LO is proof of an emotional affair, with the avalanche of consequences that “emotional infidelity” can bring.
Another risk is the unpredictability of LO’s response to your disclosure. When writing a letter to LO, you’re actually writing to the LO in your head. Most limerents think they have a good understanding of their LO, but actual real life people react differently to imaginary avatars. They might flip out, or get embarrassed and avoid you, or they might even reciprocate. You can control the crafting of the letter, but you can’t control the outcome once it exists in the world.
Should you write a letter?
Weighing the risks and benefits really comes down to understanding your intentions in writing a letter. If you are looking for a way to disclose to an LO you are free to have a relationship with, but are shy about talking face to face, then it can be a great idea. If you are looking for a way to purge pent up emotions in an indirect way, it can give some fleeting relief. However, if you are limerent for someone you don’t want to be limerent for, or there are serious barriers that mean you cannot be together, a letter that outlines your innermost feelings can be an unexploded bomb.
Despite my proclivity for writing, I’ve never sent an LO a letter of disclosure, so can’t offer any personal anecdotes about how it worked out. So, I’ll end with a call for action from the community:
Letters to LO? What do we think? Share your stories and your thoughts!
I think writing a letter is a very bad idea. I’m not a fan of big, heavy disclosures, written or otherwise. It’s a lot to take on for the other person and kind of dumps your feeling on them … and then puts it on all of them to respond. Of course, it depends on your interaction/relationship with the LO. If the interactions have been flirty and/or relatively superficial, a big disclosure would be strange. It’s like going off into the deep end when you’ve only been swimming in the 3-foot pool. And if you’re friends, it can be awkward or maybe even surprising. If you’re both available, better just to ask the person on a date. It gets your interest across and gives them a chance to respond to something tangible. And use the word “date” so everybody is on the same page. And then see what they do.
If one or both of you is not available, a letter is an even worse idea, for reasons stated in the post. If you really want to disclose, there are ways to do it, in person or maybe even over the phone, that can get the idea across in about a sentence or two. But I wouldn’t put any of that in writing. And I’d save the deep, emotional declarations until you know the other person feels the same way.
I have spent effort crafting an email to LO a few times now. They were not deeply emotional or even direct disclosures per se, more like a subtle hint and an invitation to talk about it one-2-one. Fear of the consequences of bringing this into the open between us stopped me actually sending them each time. I have a draft email saved though, with the intention of sending when LO and I no longer work together.
The experience of writing these emails was cathartic but also increased the intensity of my LE… slowly perfecting the wording of the email, and carefully working out what I would say, and how to best say it, if he accepted my invitation for a one-2-one became very obsessive. So in the end, I found this exercise to be just another form of limerence indulging reverie and rumination, one best avoided if I want to live well.
That’s a good point. If the letter becomes a way of polishing a rumination fantasy, it would be counterproductive to recovery. Especially if you complement it with a lovely new fantasy about how LO will react once they receive the letter (in exactly the way you want them to)…
It comes back to motive – is it a purge of feelings, or a new form of reverie?
Writing letters to former LOs have been the causes of the greatest humiliations of my life!!!
When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century. (Insert eye roll here).
ALL the feelings are poetically described, even the ones you should never reveal unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are reciprocated!
One letter never reached LO as he had moved to pursue a romance I knew nothing about and the letter was retrieved by an old friend who wrote to me to tell me he was very sorry to say that LO had moved overseas. I’m sure this dignified older friend read it and I am more than horrified…
Another letter I intended to read personally to a LO but when the time came I became so overwhelmed with emotion I could not get the words out and so he grabbed it and read it and then refused to give it back and left with it! When I came to my senses I was mortified when I considered the content and demanded to have it returned, which he refused. At first I took this as a sign of his love for me (another eye roll please)but when I started to doubt that love I realized how reading this letter with his buddies was not an impossibility and I became frantic!
I harassed him incessantly to give it back and he taunted me “I could give it back but how do you know I haven’t made a copy?”
I eventually got it back (it took months!) but what if there is a copy?
Oh I could go on, but I am feeling woozy just by recalling these blunders.
Never, never, never write a letter revealing your heart when in the throes of unreciprocated limerence!!
“but when I started to doubt that love I realized how reading this letter with his buddies was not an impossibility and I became frantic!”
This happened to me. It wasn’t even a disclosure letter. Just a “chatty, friendly” card to a guy I had a crush on in high school who had expressed some level of interest, or so I thought. My friend told me she saw him in the halls reading it to his friends and making fun of me. There wasn’t anything in the card that was that bad but it was still humiliating. What a turd-it that guy was. So I have never put anything in writing again. Unless I am sure how the other person feels and there has been some kind of relationship/dating/interest established.
Yes! It takes self control but our future selves will be so glad we didn’t bare our souls prematurely!
I really think the letter or even a really heavy verbal confession is a bad idea. Years ago, a guy I’d had a a very casual relationship with for about a month (he ended it) called me out of the blue after no contact or seeing each other for a year. He told he was in love with me. It kind of put me on the spot. And what could I say? It’s either “I’m in love with you” or “I’m not in love with you.” There didn’t seem to be a lot of wiggle room there. It was a lot to throw at me and felt like an all or noting prospect. He should have just asked to meet up. Then I could have determined if I had any interest. And, maybe, if things progressed, THEN he could have told me how he felt.
“My friend told me she saw him in the halls reading it to his friends and making fun of me. There wasn’t anything in the card that was that bad but it was still humiliating.”
@Marcia.
Yes, never underestimate the crudity and immaturity of teenage boys – or the crudity and immaturity of teenage girls, for that matter. In hindsight, none of my peers in high school seemed to possess the smallest glimmer of emotional intelligence. (Have no idea how they got themselves into serious relationships as adults. Not my business. Not my concern). I’m going to be charitable, and suggest adolescence itself must have been the root cause of any gratuitous unpleasantness that went on…
I actually really like all the young people I know today. Their manners are lovely. Are young people only really nasty to other young people? 🤔
Jaideux, there ya go!
“Writing letters to former LOs have been the causes of the greatest humiliations of my life!!! When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century. (Insert eye roll here).”
@Jaideux.
Ah, reading your post, I am cringing with you, my dear!! (Not out of judgement.
Out of sheer sympathy). 😜
Honestly, the fact you wrote all those flowery letters makes you seem like a total sweetheart in my eyes. However, being a total sweetheart is not always the same thing as acting prudently, as you’ve already discovered. Had I been in the position of your LO, as someone interested in words and writing, I would have cherished your letters as literary exercises, even if I didn’t reciprocate the sentiments expressed therein.
I wonder, us limerents, are we just … too sentimental for our own good? I dunno. I thought a dash of sentimentality was a good thing? Maybe I’m wrong…
You could always turn a (fictionalised) series of flowery letters into a novel. However, I don’t think you’d want to write a comic novel making fun of a heroine known for the flowery letters she writes ungrateful gentlemen? I think the flowery sentiments limerents express are genuinely felt, even if they’re not everyone’s cup of tea. 😉
If flowery letters are your worst sin in life, honey, you’re doing just fine!! 😆
I actually think if you’re not mature enough to have the conversation face to face, you’re better off not doing anything until you do feel mature, confident and secure in your Self. Otherwise it’s just like a child standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed, thinking they’re “hiding”– if you don’t have the courage and confidence to be eye-to-eye with the other person, I don’t think you’re truly ready. And I say this as someone who has had 4 LOs and never had this courage. That is what I am working on. Not the courage to say something to LO, but the courage to be and know my true Self, completely and unconditionally. Knowing that LO is not central to my narrative. When this topic came up in the forum, I suggested an alternative exercise that I think could actually be more useful:
1) Write the letter that you want to RECEIVE from LO.
2) Read the letter to your child Self, as though your adult Self wrote it.
I think this is useful for 2 reasons: it tells you exactly what you actually want from the LE, and it gives you the power and control to give those things to your Self.
6 years out of my last LE and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Disclosure is always a minefield. I disclosed via email and I got away with it. I destroyed every shred of correspondence LO #4 and I ever exchanged. I have one card LO #2 gave me on my 29th birthday. That, I will never get rid of.
But, I think I was lucky, not good.
I haven’t posted on this website for well over a year now… but I saw this post and simply couldn’t resist.
I’ve spoken before about how I disclosed via a letter in a gift before going no contact and going back to my home country. I think it has its advantages such as not putting unfair pressure on the LO to respond in person in that moment – it is entirely their choice whether to respond to that letter or not. And yes, it’s embarrassing and not necessarily “mature” but this whole experience isn’t a rational one and for me it was a trade off between that or carrying the obsession with me when I returned home and knew I’d never see her again – the risk of perhaps disclosing online via social media instead seemed like an even more embarrassing approach than to do so while we were still in the same vicinity.
I think that with my last couple of LEs that I was aware it was all a bit nutty. I don’t think I’d have wanted to write it down because while it is this amorphous intensity in my mind I can indulge it with magical thinking. But writing it down would have shone a bright light on the ridiculousness.
As Jaideaux said :
‘When under the spell of the limerent drug I write in a florid, melodramatic, hyper-romantic style, a style not often seen in this century.’
I wouldn’t dare to. I’d feel exposed to myself as a fool or even a mad person, let alone what anyone might else.
I think a lot of limerents know sonething isn’t functioning quite right during an LE. I wonder if others too shy away from trying to rationalise it on paper to avoid confronting themselves on the page?
*anyone else might think…
No. My goodness. Feelings change. I’m even mortified by stuff I’ve written in my private journals and hope they never see the light of day. Considering any form of communication is about two PEOPLE connecting, and we’ve all established that LO is a figment of imagination, what’s the point? I agree with the person who says it is but another form of rumination.
Now, a letter to your SO explaining about your limerence is one I could recommend, as it is far more controlled and you can think of how to make it as honest as possible while hurting SO the least possible amount.
I wrote a series of 30+ letters to my LO … ! But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this to others. It really depends on your unique scenario.
I needed to write out these letters as a way to sort out all the confusion in my head. At first I did not intend to show it to LO because it is a lot to dump on him. But later I realized I wanted him to understand what I was going through. For context, my LO was like a best friend who became very close to me and after I disclosed, said he couldn’t see me as his partner but continued maintaining a close relationship with me which made my limerence worse.
So that was why, in my personal unique situation, I needed him to understand what he was doing to me. And he actually read all or most of the letters. I send the first few directly to him and then I started to just upload them to a shared Dropbox folder.
I still don’t think he fully understands why I developed limerence and resents me for not able to be his friend because he really needed me as a friend. Anyways, I have stopped feeling guilty and I’ve been in NC for a few months now.
While it was helpful to write all that out to process it all in my head, it still wasn’t enough. I needed to go over all of it again with my new therapist with whom I went through my entire relationship history with LO blow-by-blow, and I think I am finally somewhere on the brink of healing.
“resents me for not being able to be his friend because he really needed me a a friend”
It always amazes me when LO’s selfishly think of their needs above ours, even when we are clearly suffering. Sure, limerents appear to be great friends, but a decent person would go and find this needed friendship with someone who won’t suffer as a result.
Never feel guilty for NC! And congrats on your healing.
Thank you. 🙂
I think my LO might have been super non-limerent to the point that he literally could not understand that I was actually going through this. Which is why simply disclosing to him was not enough. So I wrote those letters to try to make him understand. And I could tell he was confused by it and thought I was mentally unwell and wanted to support me through it. Anyways, he did finally understand and he maintained the NC. I actually had tried to go NC on my end several times and failed because … lol … just didn’t have the strength.
And I kind of hate him for going NC on me, but I suppose I needed it.
Letters can be therapeutic depending on what you do with them.
When I worked with my EAP counselor, she had me write letters to LO #2, LO #4, my dead mother, my dead father, and the dead grandmother who raised me. It seems I had more skeletons in the closet than I thought. Dead people can stay with you a long time.
She role played the recipients as I read them. Some of the sessions got pretty intense but it helped.
Then, I destroyed the letters.
I only knew my LO online. I didn’t write a letter, but I did disclose my feelings, and I now deeply regret it. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but if you have an inconsistent LO who sends mixed messages, I’d steer clear of disclosing. If this person can talk to you a lot one minute and then ignore you for long periods of time and just doesn’t show the kind of interest in you that you show in them, try to reduce or cut contact and move on with your life. I’m in a much better place after almost a year of no contact with my LO. There is healing on the other side of this. You deserve to have your love reciprocated. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t care about you, and do not waste your words of love on them either. I promise, it isn’t going to go like you want it to. That person is not going to suddenly disclose back to you or love you. Cut ties, focus on yourself, and give that love to YOU. If I could go back, I would never have disclosed.
Thank you. This is something I needed to hear (again).
Well said Limerence Survivor. I agree with every word.
I have disclosed to 2 LOs. Both times, the LE got worse because they reciprocated. I recommend against disclosure to LO, usually. However…
My current LO disclosed to me in a text (I guess a text is like a letter). It seems fine so far, at least on my side it’s fine, I can’t speak for him, but he seems fine. We are going on two months since disclosure and our relationship is working quite well. Here is something that seems to make this LE manageable: he is consistently available and I try to do the same for him. Cutting out the uncertainty helps. My last LO was very conflicted about his feelings and frequently pulled away then came back. It was brutal. Because of that experience, I’ve been careful with my current LO to either be available or tell him in advance if I’m going out of town. I don’t know if his feelings are actual limerence or just an attraction, but either way, I don’t want him to feel the anxiety that I felt during my last LE. I’m hopeful the sexual attraction will dissipate and our friendship will remain. So far so good. He hopes for the same results (at least that’s what he said when he disclosed).
That being said, I recommend AGAINST disclosure. It will probably not go well.
That’s interesting to hear Lovisa and reflects something I have always believed… that since the uncertainty, push/pull and self-denial in a mutual attraction inflame the limerence, the limerence becomes much more manageable when you and LO share kind and consistent communication and behaviour, plus stick to a set of mutually agreed boundaries for the relationship.
But as you say, you must take a risk to actually get to that point.
Am I wrong to believe the risk is so well worth it? 🙂
Allie1,
“But as you say, you must take a risk to actually get to that point.
Am I wrong to believe the risk is so well worth it? 🙂”
The answer to that seems largely dependent on if you get away with it and the consequences if you don’t get away with it. To pull it off your LO has to be stable and predictable. So do you.
Threat is a function of capability and intent. New capabilities can develop over time and capabilities can disappear over time. However, things happen in life and intent can turn on a dime. Just because someone isn’t malicious or vindictive doesn’t mean they’re not a threat. Venomous snakes never attack out of malice but they’re still dangerous.
LwL has several posters who claim to have suffered some pretty grim consequences from their LEs.
I’m glad I disclosed to LO #4. Whatever she thought of me, she knew how I was feeling. I don’t live with that “what if?” I got away with it but I wouldn’t do it again.
Yes Allie, it has been my experience that open communication, lack of hot and cold behavior, and well established boundaries are helpful to both minimize limerence and allow for a lovely relationship with my LO.
Even though my current LE is going well, I don’t think the risk is worth it. I recommend against disclosure. I think my relationship with my current LO would have been just as lovely if he hadn’t disclosed. I also think it would have been less complicated.
We’ve had some hiccups along the way. Here are a few things that we wouldn’t have experienced if we were still blind to our mutual attraction.
1. Re-disclosure: we’ve discussed our mutual attraction multiple times since the initial disclosure. Sometimes we’re trying to make sense of it. Sometimes we’re openly flirting. The LE tends to escalate each time.
2. Boundaries: there is an obvious closeness between us. We are more comfortable with close contact than two married people should be. It’s difficult to hide.
3. My SO has had moments of jealousy for my LO.
I just think it’s best not to disclose feelings of attraction for someone if either of you are not available to act on those feelings.
Oh, heartily agree! And the consequences in present day environment can be devastating. NO!
Omg this post. Full disclosure, I’ve realized yesterday that I’ve slipped into limerence. But weeks ago, when I felt the first real dopamine rush (and withdrawal and pain afterwards), I started to write down my thoughts to her. I swear, I now have PAGES of inner thoughts about LO, always going back and forth with “I know it’s unhealthy” and “here are potential scenarios where we finally get together for the first time”.
I mean, look at this first entry:
“[…] Where I fell for your raging fire, it’s the dancing flames of your passion that seem to wreck havoc on my blooming heart. [A.N.: wtf is that even supposed to mean lmao] I was asleep for so long. Numb, with dull edges. Now I feel laser-sharp. You inspire me in ways I haven’t been inspired for so long.
I want to worship your ideas and create beauty for you. I want to fight for you.
I cannot even tell how long it’s been since I felt so much. Since I’ve felt so bold and invested.
I have a good feeling that nothing will ever happen. It’s not your style. And maybe you’re just a rebound that I project onto. But for now, you are my awakening and I will forever be thankful for that. […]”
HOW IN THE HELL could I not see that there’s a problem?!??
So yeah. This post is important. Put it on paper (or screen) for yourself because at some point when you’re ready to face reality you can try, like me, to shame yourself out of limerence.
Thank you for putting it into words. It does feel like an awakening.
“I was asleep for so long…Now I feel laser-sharp. You inspire me in ways I haven’t been inspired for so long.”
My current LO says things like this to me. He’s baffled by how he feels about me. I feel guilty about it. I worry that limerence is contagious and I gave it to him. I intentionally used transference from my last LO to my current LO, but I never intended to infect anyone with the misery of limerence. Since it’s all in my head, I thought my new LO would be unaffected by the transfer. Nope! And, to make it worse, the best friend of my last LO reached out to me on behalf of his friend. It’s like we’re all back in Junior High. I really need to grow up.
So glad I discovered this site. I have a LO who is popular (an artist). Anyway, I disclosed my feelings towards him in letters and it didn’t go so well.
Well, he started becoming obsessed with me later on. I put an end to my obsession in 2019 but I do not believe he is done with his own obsession.
I do believe we both have the exact same vulnerabilities that made us become obsessed with LOs.
Well, I didn’t think an article on this topic could end up being one of my all-time faves on LwL so far, but after perusing the commentary section, I’m feeling surprisingly emotional… I might even need a tissue!! Are limerents just a bunch of secret wannabe letter-writers? And to think I assumed said species of human no longer exists!! Letter-writing – such a throwback to the Victorian era, right? 😆
On a more serious note, I’m going to say what everybody else has already pretty much said – no, don’t write a letter to your LO. Move away from the pen and paper. I repeat, move away from the pen and paper. Do not, under any circumstances, go and make a big fool of yourself. The shame of unwise disclosure will last much longer than the exhilaration of composition… 😉
However, if you must write a letter, don’t give it to LO. Take the letter, stick it in a shoebox for several years, forget about it. Then. one day, when you’re well and truly over your LE and cleaning, you can find that letter again and think: “Oh, so that’s what I was feeling/thinking at that particular point in my life. How interesting!” 😜
I have written a few letters as part of my healing process, she’s now a former LO.
Albeit on Reddit, under a pseudonym as most Reddit accounts are and on the Unsent Letters section.
I have signed a couple of them off with the 1st letter of my 1at name and actually one or two of my recent ones has referred to her nickname! Possibly another referred to her initial, the 1st letter of her 1st name.
It’s left with enough ambiguity not to give the game away I would suggest. It has been cathartic.
In general, write it to your LO via Reddit or some forum under a pseudonym, which has helped me.
My LO and I are both single. I have decided to disclose as we no longer work together. LO agreed to meet me “sometime” but ignored me when I proposed a specific day and time. I wrote him a letter. I have not sent it yet. It is perfect: half a page long, hand-written, says exactly what I want to say and nothing I don’t, isn’t something I will be ashamed of later (I don’t think). My fear is that I will send it and he will never respond at all, then act like nothing happened the next time we see each other in person.
You’re both single and you don’t work together anymore, so you don’t have any of the “absolutely don’t disclose” hard stops. Like LE said below, the biggest risk would be humiliation, which could suck but wouldn’t fall into the same category as causing a divorce or losing a job. Your LO would have to be a pretty big jerk to show the letter to other coworkers and laugh, but that kind of stuff does happen. On the other hand, best case scenarios could involve either 1) finding out the LO reciprocates your feelings and it’s the start of a romantic relationship or 2) LO responds with an unambiguous rejection which helps you move on from your limerence.
I’m sorry if you’ve already shared this before, but can you say a little more about your situation? Are you still at your old workplace and LO moved on, or vice versa? Was there a boss/employee dynamic between you or were you coworkers on the same level? What was the nature of your relationship before? Routine coworker relationship, genuine friends, “work spouses”? Do you have objective evidence to suggest that he might reciprocate your feelings? Do you still see each other socially in other settings? If you try to look past the limerence and think objectively, does he have traits that would actually make a good partner, or does he have any toxic traits that you’re trying to overlook or thinking you could change if you were in a relationship?
The above was my first post on here and I deeply appreciate your quick and thoughtful reply. I desperately want to answer your questions, but the public nature of this forum makes me need to be vague. I will say that we have been friendly acquaintances or low-level friends for a couple of years and that we see each other socially in other settings a few times a year. His toxic trait is that he alternates between being really nice and going into radio silence. If I send the letter I estimate 80% chance he will go into radio silence and then be polite to me at the next social event, 10% chance of reciprocation, 10% chance of unambiguous “no,” 0% chance he will share the letter with anyone else.
Hi Bridgelover, thanks for that extra info. Sounds like you’ve already put some thought into the possible/likely outcomes of sending your letter.
I’m not going to try to tell you what to do (I’m not doing a good enough job of managing my own life to even think I could tell someone else what to do) but let me give you a few more questions to hopefully help clarify what you want to do. You can answer them here if that would help to write it out, or just contemplate them yourself.
1) Do you have any objective evidence that he has feelings for you? Or do you think he likely thinks of you as a friendly work acquaintance and everything else is all in your head?
2) Do you think he knows about your feelings for him? Would this letter likely confirm what you’ve already shown him, or would it take him completely by surprise?
3) How do you think he’ll feel if he reads your letter? Would it make his life better or worse? Would you be decreasing your own distress by increasing his?
4) What do you hope to accomplish by sending the letter? Is it just the act of unburdening your secret by sharing it with him? Or are you taking a flier on the 10% chance he reciprocates and actually hoping this leads to a relationship?
5) If you send the letter and he doesn’t respond or ever acknowledge it, will that make you feel better or worse? My experience is that if I text my LO and she doesn’t respond right away, my anxiety levels increase steadily from the moment I send the text until she responds, or until I realize she’s gone silent and I get depressed. Would it be the same for you except perhaps on a bigger scale if you send your letter and don’t hear back from him?
6) If he does respond and he reciprocates your feelings, is he someone you would really want to be in a relationship with? Would you really want to be in a relationship with his trait of alternating between warm and friendly vs cold and distant? Would that be a path to happiness?
7) How would it feel if he did respond with an unambiguous rejection? Would that feel liberating or crushing?
8) Finally, I don’t believe there are any 0% chances when it comes to predicting behavior of any other person, let alone someone you don’t really know all that well. Let’s say there’s a 1% chance he does share the letter with other people. Would this be a humiliation you could live with, or would there actually be serious consequences of some sort that would be intolerable? Ie could it do serious damage to your career?
Hope this helps!
LiS
Lost in Space,
“LO agreed to meet me “sometime” but ignored me when I proposed a specific day and time.”
This says it all. There’s no need to send the letter. It would be like asking the same question twice. The limerent has shown interest. And LO was ambiguous and then ignored them, which is, frankly, rude and not a nice thing to do. He should have been more direct.
So now the ball is LO’s court. If he changes his mind at some point and wants to hang out, then it’s on him to approach and broach the subject.
The worst case is he shows it to his friends or his former coworkers/ your
current coworkers, you become the butt of their jokes and you later find out about it.
A letter from an unwanted admirer comes with the risk of humiliation. You may no longer be working together but he probably still knows people who do.
If he wanted to see you, he would. Let it go.
Don’t give him a weapon he could use against you.
Bridgelover,
I agree with LE.
“LO agreed to meet me “sometime” but ignored me when I proposed a specific day and time. ”
By proposing a day and time, you’ve already “disclosed.” He knows you’re interested, so a letter is unnecssary. And I wouldn’t put anything in writing.
I’m sorry I can’t figure out how to reply directly to comments.
Marcia, when I read your first comment this morning, I disagreed with you, but by evening I had come around to your way of thinking and now I agree with you.
Lost in Space, thank you for replying at length again; it really takes the edge off the pain to know that someone is listening. I’m strongly leaning towards not sending the letter, but I want to answer your questions anyway:
1. He thinks of me as a friendly work acquaintance and everything else is in my head. I just keep hoping he’ll change his mind.
2. He knows I have some sort of feelings for him, but I don’t think he knows the full extent. Not that I would EVER share the full extent, but I wanted to be more clear.
3. Is driving me crazy because he can be such a black box. If I thought the letter would make him happy, even if he didn’t reciprocate but thought “aww that’s sweet,” I would be much more inclined to send it. If I thought it would cause stress or discomfort, I wouldn’t even consider sending it. I just have no idea how he would react.
4. My main goal in writing the letter was to unburden myself of the secret. It felt dishonest pretending to just want to be friends. Of course, I was also hoping for reciprocation, but being honest and open was the bigger goal.
5. No acknowledgment at all would feel pretty bad, and is the most likely outcome. But keeping the secret was ALSO feeling bad, so it felt like maybe the hail mary pass was the right thing.
6. Yeah, you’re right. I need someone who will talk to me, not someone who goes silent any time I touch the third rail.
7. I would still prefer unambiguous rejection over nothing at all.
8. The letter is so beautifully written that I would welcome anyone else reading it. I am proud of the work of art that I created. 🙂 It would have no effect on my career. Heck, I’d show it to my immediate co-workers myself. It would be a little bit embarrassing if the people on his side of the industry saw it, but not that bad.
I wanted some clear, open communication between us, but he’s negated that by going silent. Which means we’re not compatible, which means I shouldn’t be crying in the bathroom over him. But I am. The way he moves his hands is so sexy and the way his voice sounds when he talks is so cute and he is so sweet to all of the young people who come in. I want someone who talks and moves like that and who is sweet to ME. Actually I’m not that interested in dating in the abstract but apparently I still want someone subconsciously.
Bridgelover,
I’m sorry he wasn’t more direct with you. Some people are not good communicators.
I have to be honest (and I’m one person with one opinion) … but getting that letter would kind of irritate me. If, in my mind, I was thought I made my answer to the first request pretty clear.
Certainly, you did nothing wrong in asking him to do something, but I’m not a big fan of escalating levels of communication if one of the lower levels didn’t go well.
And I think that sending a letter that discusses your feelings is escalating from asking him to do something.
Yeah, you’re right, and at this point (granted my emotions change on a dime during an LE!) I don’t even want to send the letter any more. Shove him and his radio silence. I can stay single and find platonic friends who will at least talk to me!
Sorry Bridgelover, but I disagree.
When I was single, a man asked me to attend the NBA playoffs with him. It would have been our first date. I said no because I had plans. He never asked me out again. I would have gone out with him if I had been available. I was confused when he didn’t ask me out again especially since I specifically said that I couldn’t go with him because I had plans. My brother said that the NBA playoffs are such a big deal that he was probably insulted when I said no. I didn’t mean to insult him, I just had plans. Anyway, I think it’s okay for you to approach the idea of getting together with your LO again. I don’t think ignoring you was a “no.” It could have been that he was distracted with something else. I don’t think a letter is a good idea, though. Can you bump into him sometime or check in with a friendly text? A letter might be too much.
Good luck!
Bridgelover,
“Shove him and his radio silence. I can stay single and find platonic friends who will at least talk to me”
Yes, don’t wait around for crumbs.
And I disagree with Lovisa. If he really wanted to go, he would either suggest a time and date for something that he could attend (a counter offer) or ask you out himself.
Bridgelover, you have a lot of really good insight into your situation. What I take from your answers is that you’re very attracted to this man, and he really does have some admirable and attractive traits, but he also doesn’t seem interested and/or just isn’t a good communicator in general. It seems likely that even if your Hail Mary pass connected, you’d be unlikely to find lasting happiness with him – it would likely be a roller coaster of emotion as he goes hot and cold, draws you in and pushes you away. Does that sound about right?
“The letter is so beautifully written that I would welcome anyone else reading it. I am proud of the work of art that I created.”
Want to post it here? Redact any parts that could be too identifying, but unburden yourself by letting some other human beings (who actually understand how you feel more than the average bear) read the beautiful thing you created. Or if that seems to scary, share it with a trusted friend or two. My experience has been that the more I keep things to myself, the more energy they gain until it feels like it’s just going to explode. Confiding about my limerence to my dad, my therapist and the folks on here has helped me a ton to keep from doing anything really compulsive and destructive in real life.
I actually have a song that I recorded for my LO that’s saved on my phone in the hidden files folder, that I am still not sure whether or not I’ll send to her next month after she leaves our workplace and we say goodbye for good. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll send it to her or not – it’ll depend on how the next month and then our goodbye goes. But I’m actually really proud of my recording because I worked hard on it and I really feel like it shows the emotion I wanted to share with her, so if I end up not sending it to her, I think I’ll send it to my therapist, just so at least one other human being can witness what I created.
-LiS
Lovisa, if this were a one-off occurrence I might agree with you, but he’s established a pattern of going silent any time I touch the third rail–and he’s not completely consistent about where the third rail IS, like, I thought this was fine because he did say “okay” when I asked generally.
Lost in Space, your first paragraph sounds exactly correct. Thank you for saying it that way so I could read it in someone else’s words.
Here is my letter:
Dear LO [he has a beautiful but very common name that is going to make me feel some kind of way every time I hear it for a long time],
I have romantic feelings for you. I like the way you [something ordinary like hold a pencil]. When I see you care for [our vulnerable clients], including [my relative], the way I wish [someone had cared for me when I was vulnerable], it touches me very deeply and makes me want to give that care back to you. I am telling you this because I have reached the conclusion that it is morally wrong to be your friend without telling you. Please accept my apologies if this does not make you happy.
Bridgelover
Hi Bridgelover,
Your explanation about how his behavior is a pattern and not a one-off moment changes everything. I don’t think you should pursue him if he is giving signals that he isn’t interested.
Beautiful letter! I vote that you don’t send it, but that is just my opinion. Here is the reason I think you shouldn’t send it…
I wouldn’t like to receive a letter like that from a friend because I wouldn’t know how to behave around that friend anymore. It would be awkward. I would try to make the situation comfortable for my friend, but I wouldn’t know how. If I showed the letter to someone else, it would be to get some outside help about how to handle it. I definitely wouldn’t make a joke of it.
But you are right that it is a beautiful letter. You have a talent for expressing yourself that will come in handy when the time is right.
Bridgelover,
“I wouldn’t like to receive a letter like that from a friend because I wouldn’t know how to behave around that friend anymore. It would be awkward.”
I agree with Lovisa. It’s a nice letter but, it’s the kind you would send if you’d been dating for a while (minus the part about your friendship).
The problem with a disclosure letters is … they’re kind of heavy. You’re letting him know your feelings … so now he has to figure out his own and know how to proceed forward. That can feel a bit burdensome for someone who isn’t heavily invested.
I think the better thing to do is ask them out. IMO, it’s perfectly fine for the woman to do it. I think it’s a better approach because it gives them something concrete to say yes or no to.
And then … if things go well, over time you can share your feelings. But a disclosure letter is putting the cart before the horse.
I was GOING to ask him out. I texted him to say I wanted to talk in person, he said okay, I texted a time and place, he went silent. I was wanting to talk to him in person specifically so that I could ask him out. Can’t ask him out if he won’t talk to me. Now I’m to the point where I no longer want to ask him out, because F this. But I still feel a dopamine hit when I think about him. 🙁
Bridgelover,
“I texted him to say I wanted to talk in person, he said okay, I texted a time and place, he went silent.”
Oh, ok. I misunderstood you. I thought, in the instance above, you had asked him out (he said ok) and were waiting to confirm time/place but he went silent.
No, I would not ask him out. You don’t really need to see someone in person to ask for a date. (Personally, I prefer text or phone. I feel put on the spot in person.) I don’t mean to be blunt, but did you want to see him in person to kind of nail him down? He seesm elusive and slippery. And, frankly, way too much work.
It should not be so difficlut to get to the first date.
Try to see him as objectively as possible. What does he have that makes you so interested?
And I know no limerent wants to hear this, but there are other guys out there. I don’t know how old you are, but I have a friend doing online dating, and she is never hurting for options. I know you said you don’t want to date right now, but I use this example only to illustrate your LO is not the last man on earth.
Bridgelover, I think that’s a very nice letter. You express yourself clearly and concisely, saying what you want to say in a way that’s direct yet polite and respectful. Well written!
If you really think that a relationship with your LO would be good for you (and I’m not convinced you actually think so), then I’d consider sending it. It seems like a low risk for a potential high reward. And it would be more honest than just continuing to be his “friend” when you aren’t actually wanting just friendship. Maybe he actually responds and you’re better off than you are now. Or he doesn’t respond, and you don’t really lose anything but at least you get to feel like you shot your shot and won’t always have this big “what if?” in your life.
In general, I’m in favor of people disclosing when they’re both single and available for a relationship, and they don’t have to keep seeing each other at work every day.
On the other hand, if you conclude that it wouldn’t actually be good for you to attempt a relationship with him, then of course don’t sent it – there’d be no reason, and it might just mess with him. But you already know that.
I have another question for you (sorry so many questions!) – do you know why is he single? It sounds like he’s an attractive, admirable man in the prime of his life. Why is he available? He is just coming out of a long relationship? Is he battling some personal issues and doesn’t want a relationship? Is he just really shy? Just a loner? Does he date at all?
Have a great day!
-LiS
He doesn’t date OR have close friends–I think he did both when he was younger, but not in the past 10 years. He socializes with work friends at work events and everyone likes him, but off the clock the only people he spends time with are people he’s related to. My guess is he gives the silent treatment to anyone who tries to get close to him. I have no idea why. I wish I could tell him the caring part even restricted to a non-romantic context, but I’m confused as to where the boundaries are and also way too hurt by the silence.
That’s… odd. Probably a variety of possible reasons for his self-imposed isolation, but it’s very likely you’re never going to figure it out, and it’s very likely that it’s just the way he chooses to live.
I can understand why he could have such a hold on you – really attractive in some ways, really distant and hard to know in other ways, offers a problem to solve and a mystery to untangle, along with plenty of opportunity to think things like “I’m sure it would be different if I could somehow just make him understand how I feel about him”. It’s all excellent fuel for limerence; probably not so excellent for an actual long-term relationship.
I think you know what your answer is about the letter.
How about you? You mentioned that you’re not really interested in dating in general but are just interested in him. Do you tend to keep to yourself as well? Have you been in other long term relationships in the past? Do you generally find it easy or hard to get close to people?
-LiS
Nearly two years of limerence, and the events of this week have burst half the bubble. I no longer want to be his girlfriend. I can’t stand the thought of being with someone who radio-silences people. Unfortunately, the other half of the bubble is still there–I still have feelings for him–and on some level I’m thinking about writing him a similar letter with the romance part removed. I think I probably won’t, though; my last text message to him was something along the lines of “we can talk when you feel up to it,” which I think is probably enough.
LIS, I was married for a long time, have been divorced JUST long enough to get accustomed to having my own life and kind of enjoy it. I do have friends, including close friends. I don’t have any male friends I’d be interested in dating, and meeting new people is kind of exhausting so it’s not something I’m throwing myself headlong into.
Hi Bridgelover! How’re you feeling after a couple more days of contemplation? Do you feel like you have clarity about what you want to do?
What’s the timing of your divorce and this limerence experience? Did it develop prior to the divorce and was it a catalyst in some way for the divorce? Or did it develop in the aftermath? Either way I’d guess there’s a good chance it’s related to that major life event. I think that for a lot of us, limerence develops when we’re at a vulnerable point due to other things in our lives.
It sounds like you’re at a place with your LO where things could actually die down pretty quickly if you don’t put work into keeping it alive. You only see him socially a few times a year, you don’t work together anymore, and it sounds unlikely that he’ll be initiating much contact. I think your best choice might be to just give it time and observe your own feelings. I’ll say from my own prior experience with LOs moving away, it’s kind of shocking how you can be completely obsessed with a person and feel like nothing in the world has meaning outside of them, and then a few months after they leave you realize you’re not thinking about them much at all and it’s hard to believe they consumed so much of your mental space in the past. I know that when I look back at my prior LEs, they have a sort of dreamlike quality to them, almost like something outside of my actual life. I suspect it will be the same for you if you just let it go with him, and since it seems pretty clear he’s not actually healthy relationship material (especially not for a first relationship after a divorce), then letting the feelings die would be the best thing for your happiness.
Hi LIS! This LE started two years after my divorce and was a sudden, intense wake-up call from previously having had no romantic interest or libido whatsoever.
I *did* try online dating at one point to try to distract myself from LO and I *did* find a boyfriend, but it didn’t work out for other reasons, although we’re still friends.
If it matters, while I was married I had relapses of LEs for two LOs I’d had before meeting my husband, but neither of those went anywhere or had anything to do with the divorce.
Also if it matters, there’s been a plot twist in the current LE and I will be sure to check back in at the end of the ongoing story.
I’ll be excited to hear about the latest plot twist! If you were in a high risk situation, like if one or both of you was married, I’d be strongly encouraging you to share here BEFORE diving into anything (I’m trying to do better at that myself – posting preventively rather than doing things I shouldn’t and then reporting on them later)… but again, since you and him are both single and there don’t seem to be any obvious terrible repercussions for proceeding with anything, I say just proceed with caution, guard your own heart, and I wish you the best whatever happens next!
So the major line of thought here is no? What if you already did and then found out you shouldn’t have, like in this thread?
I found out a few weeks back that I was Limerent.3 months into an exchange. A very big shock. I had no idea what these intense feelings were. I shared everything and felt i couldn’t go on without telling her what i was going through. LO took it very well. Did not run did not hide. I’ve since said I need to heal and cut down our interactions and am journalling my thoughts down in emails. May not be the best approach. We are lifelong friends.
I genuinely feel this can work if I can heal and treat her as a friend. Its now 5 days into cut off now. This has all happened in the last three months incredibly intense and bitter feeling of my own doing that I ruined what was a nice friendship and scared it can’t go back to that. Both she and i agree this has to be a healing period for me. She has read up on the topic, i just don’t know what shes read.
It’s really variable depending on the situation. My LO1 and I have been using e-mail as our main source of contact for 25 years and that feels like the natural way to be with each other. We are close friends; however, I am also not *actively* limerent for him any more. I’ll admit this is an unusual situation, but it does happen. But you’re only 5 days into the cutoff and it could take a couple of years for your feelings to even out. I think you’re on the right track with journaling instead of talking to her for a while.
thanks for your response, i got none on a Limerence FB group in 12 hours. While other newcomers got replies in 20 minutes. I do really appreciate it. Things went sour at home before this happened so not surprised this happened TBH, Buniess is failing probably both Limerence and mid-life crisis together…great! Been nearly 2 decades of no sex marriage, surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Still extremely unhappy about it, it was my escape, she was my friend, the literal only thing i had in my life that made me happy, all be it sparodically. I was almost ready to take those highs with all the lows than nothing at all. TBH honest i broke that 5 day this morning at 1am, she put me back on my straight path with brutal honesty. I am honouring her words…. in the vain hope this comes to a mutual friendship eventually. I do think she wants to help me.
Don’t want to fight the tide ,
Welcome to LwL community.
“I’ve since said I need to heal and cut down our interactions.”
I suppose you mean going No contact, right? And she’s aware of it since you disclosed your feelings to her and she’s willing to help. Also you say you feel this can work if you can heal and treat her as a friend… did I get it right?
I suppose she only wants you as a friend? You seem to have a very good friend here who is worth fighting the tide for…
So going NC is the right direction, it takes time though to sort out your feelings and heal, there will be pain also, but it seems you have no other choice.
You need to read some more of the blogs here which pertain to your case for guidance .Plenty of material here. Specially the No contact ones and LOs as friends, etc. Check out the list.
You’re not alone! Many limerents here with more or less the same problems.
Wishing you luck and courage.
Thank you for your support 🙂 waiting for bedtime where I can crawl into my separate room from my wife and cry. She doesn’t know would telling her make it easier to cope?
Don’t want to fight the tide, hi.
You got to deal with this alone or with a good friend /not LO, or a therapist. Disclosing to your wife will only bring more complications and suffering and maybe mistrust from your wife.
Sorry but there’s not an easy way out from limerence. Living a purposeful life will help a great deal to handle it. Think of your future, things you always wanted to do and get busy pursuing your new goals in life…try to improve your relationship with SO first of all.
Keep reading the posts. The following is a good post to read:
Living with Limerence/The death of hope” of December 5, 2020,
Also read the comments.
You got to be strong and it’s not easy. Sorry if I’m too harsh but there’s no other easier solutions that can bring a faster outcome; everyone have tried to go around strict NC only to start all over again and again. Of course you’d probably fail sometimes, but you go back on track until you “get it”. You’ll survive this, you’ll see. How soon? Depends on how purposeful and motivated you’re to get rid of it…
Have a good day and lots of courage .
Hey Tide,
It’s ok to cry too. I do it almost everyday. Limerence can be so very overwhelming.
I hate it. But I love my LO..
That’s how messed up I am..
Don’t want to fight the tide, hi
I understand that you’re a very sensitive person in need of love and understanding right now. There are times you’ll feel lonely and abandoned, forsaken, those are the times you feel helpless and weak. You need to cry out as much as you need to, to unburden your pain and sorrows. Cry until you have no more tears. We all go through those awful feelings. You’d get relief until they come back again. Just cry it out! It’s normal and necessary. Have conversations with yourself. Go for long walks to extrovert, join a gym, do things to distract you from ruminating, etc.
Check out this article:
Tips for coping with emotional pain/ Loving roots project by Shelly Sommerfeldt. Hope it helps.
Sending you love and hugs. Take good care of yourself and look for reasons to be grateful.💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽❤️
She blocked me on WhatsApp for my own good, I removed her from Facebook. Horrible! Here we go then again. Day 1