In the last few posts, I’ve concentrated on the elements of purposeful living. There are two reasons why.
First, purposeful living is a good way to protect yourself against the destructive aspects of limerence. If you are living in a conscious and intentional way, you are less likely to drift into a life-altering obsession. Living purposefully makes you less psychologically vulnerable to limerence.
Second, if you are already trapped in limerence limbo – and you are struggling to make sense of what’s happening to you and what it means, and how to respond – purposeful living is a path out of the emotional tumult. It’s a way of salvaging some benefit out of the confusion and disorder of limerence, and turning a personal trial into a lasting good.
Limerence can trigger a personal transformation that makes your life better forever.
Rebirth
In the last post, I talked about stories as the way we make sense of the world, and that power of recognising we have the freedom to choose what kind of character we want to be. But character is only one aspect of story; plot is equally important.
One of the most compelling forms of story is the “Rebirth” plot. These stories focus on how adversity can transform our lives. A descent into darkness leads to a crisis – a moment of critical decision, or enlightenment – and then emergence from the darkness with newly gained wisdom or personal strength. A symbolic rebirth.
The structure of the rebirth story follows a common pattern: the hero is confronted by a seemingly irresistible force, falls under its shadow, is humbled by their own powerlessness, but in their most desperate hour realises that they can transcend their old limits and undergo the personal renewal needed to escape. They are often assisted in this transformation by a helper of some sort – be it a wise mentor, noble guide or source of pure love.
The emotional impact of rebirth stories comes from this sudden liberation from the shadow, from the reversal of fortune of someone who was trapped in a state of hopelessness. Most commonly, this liberation comes when reality forces the hero to confront the egotistical or self-aggrandising fantasies that had limited their growth.
It might seem melodramatic to frame limerence in our everyday lives in this way, but as with casting ourselves as a noble hero, telling ourselves the story of our rebirth as the ultimate outcome of a romantic trial has real psychological potency.
Crime and punishment
There are lots of examples of the Rebirth plot – A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful life, Beauty and the Beast, Pride and Prejudice – but my personal favourite is “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky.
A brief synopsis is that an impoverished and intellectually vain student, Raskolnikov, persuades himself that extraordinary men need not be constrained by the moral sensitivities of everyday folk, and can carry out great acts to achieve great ends. In this intellectual fervour he murders a moneylender to whom he is indebted, resolved to appropriate her ill-gotten wealth for his superior needs. In the course of the murder he is surprised by her innocent sister, and kills her too.
What follows is a masterclass in psychological unravelling. Unable to quiet the torment of his guilt with the intellectual abstractions that he used to justify the crime, Raskolnikov behaves increasingly irrationally – returning to the scene of the crime, creating a spectacle that shocks onlookers, and alarming his friends and family with his erratic moods and emotional outbursts.
A magistrate, Porphyrius, perceives at once the war within Raskolnikov – that his conscience cannot let him rest, and that his belief in his self-serving theory is collapsing under the weight of guilt and outrage at his violation of natural law. In a mesmerising game of cat and mouse, Porphyrius manipulates Raskolnikov, repeatedly implying that his fate is inescapable. He describes a “certain gentleman” that he would not immediately arrest for a crime, as it would be better to leave him to stew in his own moral anguish:
He will lose his self possession, he will come of his own accord to me, he will supply me with ample evidence against himself… Liberty will no longer have charms for him; he will grow more and more restless, more and more amazed – let me but give him plenty of time and he will demean himself in a way to prove his guilt as plainly as that twice two are four!
As predicted, Raskolnikov is the author of his own downfall. He loves a prostitute, Sonia, who lives in a similar state of poverty to his own, but responded instead with self-sacrifice and faith in God. She is both a living rebuke and a source of hope for Raskolnikov. Eventually he confesses to the crimes, finally acknowledging his guilt, showing remorse, and accepting the need for justice.
As some measure of redemption for so heinous a crime, his punishment is commuted from death to exile to a prison in Siberia. In this suffering his rebirth comes by surrendering his pride and vanity. He accepts the need for atonement, and to take responsibility for his own alienation from a society he despised. His love for Sonia (who accompanies him to Siberia) deepens and he at last believes that he can transform into a better man.
While the rebirth of Raskolnikov is necessarily muted, it embodies many of the key principles of the archetypal story – wisdom comes from letting go of pride, accepting your true character, and opening yourself to renewal.
Humility
Fortunately, hopefully, the regeneration most of us need to undergo will not require atonement for murder. Nevertheless, the basic truth of renewal is inescapable: if you want your life to change for the better, you will have to change. That means letting go of pride, and accepting the need for personal transformation.
Escaping limerence limbo requires a dose of humility. We have to let go of the fantasies, the rationalisations, the idealisations, all the self-justifying stories we tell ourselves to manage the cognitive dissonance of persisting in a state of unhealthy romantic obsession. Escaping our own shadow forces the need for change upon us.
Openness to renewal means believing that your life can improve, and that you can improve it. It means believing that changing your mind about previous beliefs is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of critical thought and personal growth. There is humility in accepting that your past decisions may have been poor, and that it is worth the effort of understanding why, and making better choices in the future.
Openness to renewal is essential for purposeful living, because it is an attitude of accepting that things can be better, and it is within our power to improve ourselves. Drop ego, drop pretensions, look honestly at where you are and how you got there and decide about what changes are needed to transform your life for the better.
You can be the author of your own liberation.
Song of the Blog: “Part of the Plan” – Dan Fogelberg (1974)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1imSzUwy9g
“Your conscience awakes and you see your mistakes
And you wish someone would buy your confessions
The days miss their mark, and the night gets so dark…”
I love Fogelberg! A lot of his music is subtly poignant.
And way under-rated
This is a great article and one that hits home on many levels. However, I have made many bad choices. Choices that in ways have had unspeakable consequences.
I can drop the ego, drop the pretensions and honestly look at where I am at. I have all the right ingredients, for why I fell into limerence. But, to be truthful, if I felt compelled enough to go even deeper with my story, I think it would be obvious why I can’t seem to get out.
This is just where I am today and rather than go on like a broken record, I’ll just stop it here..
Me, hi.
“You can be the author of your own liberation.” Dr. L.
When one hits rock bottom, there’s only one way to go, and that’s UP. In due time you’ll make it . Lots of courage to you, be compassionate to your self, it will be alright , you will see!
To MJ *
Thanks Nisor. The Dr. L quote is so right.
I am trying to be nicer to myself. They say it’s key to getting out of the doldrums. Yesterday was just another struggle again. Sometimes reading about the obvious is just hard, thats all.
This is the first LE where I’ve even dared to think I might be able to change my behaviour; that it’s not just me being a horrible, immoral person who is doomed to keep falling into self-destructive patterns of behaviour (my own form of self-justification). The patterns are there, totally ingrained, and the pleasure-seeking pathway is a mile-wide but thanks to this blog I can at least begin to imagine I can be the author of my own future, accept who I am and what this behaviour is, and try to act differently.
MJ
A quote from Brigitte Nicole says:
“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”
I’m full aware(at 78yo) that letting go is extremely difficult and painful. But one most wallow in deep sorrow and pain first, ( it’s the process) as a swain does in the mud, in order to recover completely.
Someone said: “ You cannot suddenly stop loving someone. But you can slowly start learning to live without them.” Very hard indeed. But with the love of God, you can make it! Blessings
Sometimes you have to accept someone else’ choice even if it hurts you more than they will ever know.
Hi Adam
We’re talking about RENEWAL here! Dr L says: “ Openness to renewal means believing that your life can improve, and that you can improve.”
I’ve been following your posts in here, and humbly say that you need to come to terms with your situation at home and yourself . I feel you’re trying to escape from something that is hurting you very deeply, and using alcohol as an excuse to cover your pain. But you don’t have to. As Dr L says it’s time for Renewal, you can leave your inner thoughts with a trusted therapist , a professional that can understand and lead you in the way to recovery. Just take the first step and leave the rest to them. I’ll be very relieved that you’re doing something for your own good. Can you try going for detoxing? I’m
sorry if I’m overstepping here, but I feel you have a beautiful, subtle soul, it’s a pity to see it wasted because alcohol.
You call yourself an old man in some posts, I thought you were over 65! Then I see you’re only 45? Good Lord ! You’re so young! That’s when real life begins to have some sense! I have a friend who’s your age, his wife just divorced him last year and he went thru hell and back. Me and my SO and friends helped him go through all the stages of grief, and we thought he’d turn to alcohol, but he didn’t. One year later, he looks good, healthy and trimmed, and guess what? Without wanting it, at a work presentation, he met a beautiful woman and they’re in love now. ( she’s also divorced, no children, he has 2 children). See, when you take care of your soul and body, things can happen. You can beat that habit and have your life restored in the near future. All it’s needed is an effort on your part. Rise up and fight those demons! You have a life to live ! Come on, go get it!!! You deserve it. Your wife and children will be so happy! Don’t you think? The Lord is with you. Blessings
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways.” — Sigmund Freud
I think I am paying 40 years in the making right now. And the people that I care about. Years of repression. When you don’t ever think you can say what you want to so just keep it to yourself. I guess in a way this limerence was a lesson in bottling things up. Not the best way to learn that lesson (if I have indeed learned it yet) I would say. But pretty effective so far.
The problem with a therapist is I won’t be honest. I did therapy many years ago because my job was causing me so much stress that I was having panic attacks. Something that had never happened before in my life. They put me on drugs which I didn’t like. In the end I knew what to say each session. Sometimes I was honest but a lot of it I downplayed from what it really was.
My wife is really the only person I have opened up to in this world. And even than there are some things I am not sure that I could tell her or would feel free to. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t want people to know too much about me.
This limerence seems to have let a whole hell of a lot out of the cat’s bag for me. I am finding I am facing things that I don’t want to. Things I have spent a great deal of effort to keep out of the light. Including my escalating drinking.
And thank you for the kind words Nisor. I may not believe them about myself, but I appreciate them still.
Hi Adam!
Thinking of you and the quote of Sigmund Freud.
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and come forth LATER in uglier ways.”
I can very well relate to that. Yes, for me, bottling up my emotions for fourtynine years, brought me the limerence I’m suffering now. I
didn’t comfront my emotions, repressed them, buried them alive, pretended that everything was fine, didn’t grief the loss of the relationship; it had to blow up sometime…. Back then I moved on and did what I had to do in order to survive the loss.
No regrets for my new relationship, my SO is an excellent person and I appreciate all he does for me. Never thought again of LO all those years , unbelievable how since last year I have been back revisiting the relationship with Lo. Limerence was delivered to me in the darkness of the night, rescue dream with Lo. We re talking weird here. Incredible things can go through the mind and you’re not even aware of the power of it. Trying to handle it alone, my God and this blog.
I understand you don’t like the feeling of feeling vulnerable, Nobody likes that either. But you have to comfront yourself even if it hurts like a bastard or else you succumb into desperation. We need to face ourselves and accept that we made mistakes in the past. And that’s ok. Have we known better, we would have done better. We need to own our mistakes , transgressions and whatever, humbly
ask God for forgiveness and mainly forgive ourselves, pick up the pieces and continue by renewing our minds daily with positive thoughts , and telling ourselves : we can do this, it’s going to get better each day, I will not slide back, I’m at peace with myself, etc. The mind has to be reconciled to a greater, healthier purpose.
The community at LwL cares for you, Adam, we want to support you deal with your struggles. Get angry at yourself for not trying to get rid of the bottle, for not dealing with your past that’s hurting you. Comfront it right on its face, don’t give up. Have conversations with yourself. Ask for forgiveness if you have remorse with your parents or anyone else that have hurt you, or you hurt them. Look at thingsin the face, comfront reality, no one is accusing you of anything. After all, who’s anybody to judge you? Only God can judge you and He has forgiven you already and loves you like the apple of His eyes. It’s in your hands to act, No one else can do it for you. And you deserve the best because you count for many people whether you believe it or not. We care, don’t forget. Impress us all! Sending lots of love and big hug.
*swine
Great quote from Brigette.
It took 25 years and 3 therapists over the span of a decade to finally understand what happened between Lo #2 and over 35 years ago. But, I made it and it feels pretty good.
The evidence was all there. I needed pros to help me sort through it and understand it. The thing is, if you knew what to look for, the outcome between us was almost predictable. As one therapist put it, I saw what was going on, tried to manage it, but I had no idea what I was looking at and was “in way over your head.”
My twice-divorced father said to me, “There’s nobody that you can’t live without. There may be people who you’ll miss terribly if they’re no longer in your life but you can live without them.” I don’t think he ever loved another woman as much as he loved my mother but they didn’t belong together.
LO #2 told me that her greatest fear was to grow old and die alone. I responded with my father’s quote. I told that story to one therapist and she asked why I thought we had that exchange. I told her we were making full disclosure. Neither of us could ever say that we didn’t know what we signed up for.
The therapist said that we were trying to scare each other off. LO #2 was going to be needy and clingy. I was going to only let someone get so close and if they got too close, I’d leave.
I told the therapist that I never thought LO #2 took me seriously. The therapist said that LO #2 took me very seriously. She remembered everything I’d said and took me at my word. The therapist said LO #2 had me wired.
The therapist said it was pretty amazing the LO #2 and I lasted as long as we did. There’s an explanation for that. Interestingly, LO #2 told me that she did a tarot card reading on us the the gypsy said that she never saw such chaos in a reading and didn’t know how we’d ever been friends, let alone lovers.
I believe that you can’t unlove someone who you ever truly loved but you can accept that you either can’t, shouldn’t, or won’t be together.
Song of the Day: “In My Life” – The Beatles (1965)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBcdt6DsLQA
Hi, LE
“I believe that you can’t unlove someone who you ever truly loved but you can accept that you either can’t,shouldn’t, or won’t be together.”
How true ! “True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying , I will love you forever.”
“It might have been.”
The saddest words anyone can write or say.”
Your story and mine have some parallels, in that we have had a Real romantic relationships with our Lo’s, and we were both young and single. There were no obvious barriers like SOs or children involved, yet the barriers presented themselves unwanted: no real commitments on LOs part. But we stuck it out, stood tall and departed gracefully and with dignity and self respect.
Our lives marked forever more… but renewed.
“Love cannot be killed. If it died, it was everything but love. Love is eternal, not corrupt, exists on its own.”
I see not many people bothered to comment on this week’s blog post despite the wonderful theme of “renewal”? Could it be that Dr. L dared to bring up the D-word – “Dostoevsky” – to an audience scandalously untutored in the Russian classics? 😲
I must confess, I have never read Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky is a little too highbrow even for me. There are only three kinds of authors in this world:
(1) the authors that everyone has read but everyone pretends they haven’t read because the contents are considered “naughty” in some circles. (Oscar Wilde, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, and D.H. Lawrence all fall in this category).
(2) The authors that no one has read but everyone pretends they have, because they’ve seen enough film adaptations to scrap a pass on a third-year university English Literature exam. (Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy, Charles DIckens, and the Bronte sisters all fall in this category).
(3) The authors no one has read and no one pretends they’ve read, because if they did pretend they’d be instantly called out on their bluff. (Dostoevsky fits in this category).
However, I have a really good excuse for not reading Dostoevsky. Rumour has it that Dostoevsky is a very dirty writer – positively filthy, in fact. However, his writing is dirty in a very subtle, sophisticated, highbrow way. His writing is so dirty in a sophisticated way that Dostoevsky himself didn’t know his novels were dirty. 🙂
Also, I have another objection. My church doesn’t let me read books that contain prostitutes as characters, and certainly not prostitutes named “Sonia”. Sonia is a very suspicious name, if you ask me. Sounds like the kind of woman who wins at card games and wears red stilettos (the two most wicked activities a female can do according to my impeccable sources on the topic of female wickedness). 😉
Yes, it’s true, unfortunately. Currently, our holiest text itself – a book whose name shall remain forever unspoken – is also on the “Banned Books List”. (May contain a couple of prostitutes as characters. Oh, and the odd moneylender. Makes you wonder where old man Fyodor got most of his inspiration from? The coincidences just keep piling up…) However, I got around the censorship rules regarding our sacred tome by slapping red stickers all over the naughty words. 😁
I much prefer the dirty musings of D.H. Lawrence to the dirty musings of Dostoevsky. Unfortunately, when I read Lawrence back in college, I couldn’t identify any naughty sections. He had fewer rude passages than an 80s Madonna music clip. “Lady Chatterley’s Lady”, for example, to me read like a gardening guide for posh people. I mean, sure, at some point in the story, they WERE supposedly wrapping parts of plants around each other’s … no, wait. We probably don’t need to go there. Ladies and servants may be eavesdropping. 😊
Fun fact: I was about a third of the way into Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” when I had my limerence-induced nervous breakdown at the ripe old age of 23. “Dracula” will therefore be forever linked in my mind with limerence. I mean, that was the book I couldn’t concentrate well enough to finish reading.
My last thought before laying down the text forever: “This is the most depressing book I have ever read in my short and completely uneventful life. So many bats. So many bats.” (Okay. Okay. I may have made up the bats reference just then. But undoubtedly my limerence-induced melancholia prevented a fair appreciation of Stoker’s mastery of character, plot, style, theme, and setting. Oh well). 😇
(Sorry, guys. I’m in a good-natured but playfully sarcastic mood this week. Couldn’t think of anything much to say on renewal. But since Dr. L was gracious enough to write an article studded with impressive literary references, I thought I’d provide some comic relief). 😉
Dostojevsky is a great read. Not just a Crime and punishment, all of his opus. As far as I am concerned, no need to cancel culture.
There are many books I red as a young person that I think will add value to read again at the older age (I am 48 now). I think at this age I will absorb/anticipate them completely differently. Beside Dostojevsky and in relation with limerence, I must put the following on the list:
Ana Karenina
Madamme Bovary
Werther’s sufferings
etc
Food for limerent thoughts!
I am on the verge of renewal. Well perhaps not quite as on the verge as I’d like to be, but I can see how it could work. I am trying to throw myself into other things I love, which I won’t mention here, terrified of being identified as I am! However I am constantly drawn back to thoughts of my LO and it’s really starting to annoy me. I guess that’s good because it’s a sign that his very being is beginning to annoy me, but it’s also only my own head that draws me back. I feel like I’m on this very wobbly tightrope or something, and I keep tipping one way or the other, not really knowing what I want. But I do know what I want, I want to go back to not obsessing over this man, not caring a jot for his existence, but I don’t want to put the effort into getting there, I just want it over!
I think this is the essence of the problem, for me, the addiction. Becoming addicted to anything is the easy option, laziness! Not having the self-control to just do things by halves sometimes, it has to be all or nothing. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I think I just wanted to vent, or to reach out. I’m sinking and I need a buoy to hold onto!
“Not having the self-control to just do things by halves sometimes, it has to be all or nothing.”
Exactly. My LO wants a not-close friendship. I want a romantic relationship but would settle for a close friendship. Why can’t I just meet him at not-close friendship since it’s what he wants? There’s no need to go “closeness or nothing at all.” And yet.
Problem child, I’d throw you a buoy if I could but I need it myself! Maybe we could share ..
That would do! How are you C for Cat? I was worried I’d offended you when I said we’d be no good for each other, so I’m glad to see this!
No, not at all! Sorry you thought that. I don’t even remember you saying that tbh – maybe I missed the post. I’m up and down, thanks for asking – yesterday I felt positive about the decision I’d made to audition for the play and potentially spend more time with LO again, but today I’m worried again. Ah well, we’ll see what happens tonight!
My LO is annoying me too with the ease of which he seems to have got over feelings that seemed to be really bothering him before. Maybe I should hang on to that and get really cross with him!
You should! I am trying to do just that, hang onto the merest hint of anything that annoys me about him, trouble is that breeds a side of me I don’t like, one that’s nasty and full of hatred.
I just wish I knew! There is eye contact, but he looks away almost embarrassed – I don’t know if this means he doesn’t like me or is feeling awkward. And what would I do if I knew anyway? I can’t do anything, it would merely fulfill my need to be wanted. God I feel like such a child, monitoring his body language, the length of time he takes to respond to texts, where is he, where is he??!
It’s a rollercoaster isn’t it? One that could easily go off the rails… I should remember that.
I saw you say something about obsessing over your diet and appearance, I am at that stage too, and I have history in this area – not a good sign. I’m telling myself it’s because I want to look better for myself but that’s a lie. It’s like I have two personalities – one where I’m in my daily life and another where I live out this fantasy life – and I’m not even sure what the fantasy is!
Good luck for tonight, in all ways!
How are you doing, Problem Child? I’m feeling slightly better today. Enforced NC due to complete silence from LO for the last week and a half is helping in a way, though I’m still in no way over it.
I am in the end stage of this LE, but I don’t know how long the end stage will last–will it run its course in a month or two or will I get sucked back into limerence limbo and stay there for years? I had a realization last night though, that even the painful part of limerence is still better than facing some of the other unrelated painful parts of life. I guess limerence really can be used for mood regulation.
great info. well written explanation to overcome my may december from April to October romance. married 30 years met my LO on an energetic bike ride and had a whirlwind summer romance
It is true that deep suffering can lead to deep transformation. In my case the depth of the pain brought me to self introspection, seeing therapists , learning hollisitc therapies, practising meditation and yoga… All of this helped me to see my patterns, overcome my strongest addictions, getting closer to my life purpose… The pain it is still there thought. The hope. And the despair also. But it came with deep understanding and healing. It s a long journey.