A woman’s greatest ambition is to inspire love
Molière
Limerence is an extreme manifestation of a near-universal human desire – to fall in love, to bond, and to devote oneself to a mate. Limerent infatuation is so wild it’s untethered from reality, of course, but it is easy to understand it as an exaggerated version of a healthy impulse.
The flip side to this impulse is the desire to be loved, to be the object of infatuation, and to receive adoration from someone else (ideally, of course, someone we are attracted to ourselves). As the above quote from French playwright and cynical misanthrope Molière puts it, some people fiercely want to inspire love.
That got me to thinking – is there is an equivalent altered mental state to limerence for people who have a really exaggerated desire to be adored? A complementary exhilaration triggered by sensing that someone else is attracted to you? Like Molière’s caricature, are there some people who really, really like inspiring love, and would exalt at being a limerent object?
This concept sounds like narcissism, but I don’t just mean someone who is generally ego-hungry or personality disordered. I mean something a bit more subtle and specific – someone who is especially receptive to limerent interest, and gets spectacular emotional gratification from it. Could such “mirror limerence” exist?
Let’s be honest, I don’t know. But once you start entertaining the possibility, it does lead to some interesting conjectures…
1. They would be hypersensitive limerent objects
Imagine feeling the glimmer for someone who was a highly attuned limerence sensor. They would immediately spot your interest, and subconsciously respond in their pre-programmed way to kindle the interpersonal sparkles. This wouldn’t be malicious or conniving – they would just be responding to your interest by getting energised and excitable as they enjoy the thrill of inspiring limerence in you.
Such people – let’s call them Sensors from now on – would be potent limerent objects. They would sense the glimmer and respond in a way that amplifies it, because they want more. They would be expert at recognising the cues of infatuation and cultivating them, because being around an infatuated person makes them feel amazing. This could be as simple as being friendlier and more open because they can tell you like them, or more manipulative and selfish and deliberately seeking booster doses of admiration to regulate their own mood.
This is an awful trap for limerent and Sensor alike; you are both running on instinct to deepen intimacy, but for contrary reasons. The limerent wants the warm glow of reciprocation, the Sensor wants the warm glow of adoration. That leads to the next tragic outcome…
2. It would seem like they are leading you on
Understandably, if you start to feel the glimmer for someone and they get all excited and lively, and light up when you are around, and generally make you feel as though they enjoy it when you flirt and seek intimacy, then it’s likely that you will start to believe they are interested in you too.
And that’s because they are interested in you. The problem is that they are not necessarily interested in a relationship with you. Unfortunately, most limerents will miss this subtle and important distinction, and respond to the positive feedback by devoting themselves ever more earnestly to the Sensor in the hope they will secure the prize they want above all others. Instead they will eventually hit a wall.
The best way to know whether someone is interested in a relationship, or only interested in a flirty mood booster, is that an attempt to form a more sincere connection will be resisted. If they react negatively to suggestions that you get more serious – go on a date, or generally see each other on a one to one social basis – then it’s probable that they are excited by your adoration rather than your potential as a romantic partner.
It’s easy to give in to resentment in this scenario, and feel you’ve been led on, ill used and emotionally manipulated. They were giving out lots of encouraging signals, after all.
But a more charitable view is that they have just been following their subconscious urges – in exactly the same way that you followed your limerent urges as the attachment escalated.
3. They might be limerents too
Another scenario to consider is that limerents may be especially good Sensors themselves. After all, while romantic reciprocation is obviously the primary goal for limerents, the strongest craving is often to have their limerence “mirrored”, rather than simply securing physical consummation.
There could be a natural harmony that forms where the glimmer from one limerent triggers limerence in the Sensor and leads to mutual limerence. Perhaps all limerents are also Sensors to the extent that they will inevitably get a massive euphoric hit from seeing their limerent object displaying the signs of mutual limerence.
The problem comes when the limerent object is only a Sensor and not a reciprocating limerent.
4. They would struggle with the transition to healthy love
A final thought is that Sensors, whether limerents themselves or not, will struggle with the transition to healthy love. Just as limerents can struggle to understand what it means for their relationship when the euphoria fades, Sensors will react badly to the loss of adulation as the limerent begins to settle into the “deterioration” phase.
When you have been living with the delusion that the strength of limerence is evidence of eternal love, rather than time-limited neurochemistry, the comedown is brutal. A Sensor who loses the adulation of a partner will become insecure about the future of the relationship, and maybe seek their limerence supply elsewhere. At the least, they will be vulnerable to the next limerent who glimmers at them – just as limerents are vulnerable to the next limerent object who arrives after a long-term relationship has lost its emotional fireworks.
Everyone wants to be loved. Most people enjoy the ego-boost when they suspect that someone is attracted to them, but perhaps there are some people who have a limerence-like reaction to inspiring love.
For heartsick limerents, the desire for admiration from such a person can seem like a cruel and manipulative attempt to lead them on.
The purposeful response is to accept that, just as you struggle to regulate your limerent feelings, they might struggle to regulate their desire for adulation. Once you determine that they are not interested in you as a potential partner, then it is time to move on and find a worthier recipient of your ardour.
And if you recognise the idea of the “Sensor” in yourself, realise that it’s fine to enjoy the satisfaction inwardly, but not to lead on a limerent by seeking booster doses of admiration to regulate your own mood.
Running on unexamined instinct can lead to destructive collisions.
Ah but when the Sensors resolutely refuse to let the limerent escape … what then? When the limerent musters up all their strength to “move on” and the Sensor escalates the attention and complements and declarations of undying friendship and “needing you in my life”, and “you are the wind in my sails “? The limerent only has so much energy to invest in leaving as most of it is used up for adulation!!
“Ah but when the Sensors resolutely refuse to let the limerent escape … what then?”
@Jaideux.
That is a great philosophical question! Oh, yes, indeedy – a great philosophical question for the ages… 😁
Let’s have a crack at it.
I am personally of the opinion that a non-limerent LO has a moral obligation to release the limerent if the non-limerent LO (a) doesn’t requite the feelings and (b) doesn’t want a committed relationship with the limerent. This is because limerence is so much stronger than a crush, and no one has the right to put another human being through so much suffering. (I am prioritising compassion for the individual over broader notions of fairness here, or actually endorsing liberal morality). However, real life almost never pans out like this… 😉
Dorothy Tennov herself pointed out that limerence seems to leave non-limerent partners “high and dry” i.e. at risk of romantic rejection when it becomes clear that all the gooey, mushy, ecstatic, spiritual feelings aren’t reciprocated. 🤔
Research seems to suggest that Sensors experience limerence at much lower rates than Intuitives, or possibly not at all. However, Sensors probably are big fans of romance, and obviously have the ability to enjoy sex since they’re so grounded in the body. I imagine a Sensor would feel deeply frustrated and aggrieved the moment he learns the real reasons why the limerent Intuitive wishes to “escape” the bond. Or he would claim the limerent Intuitive’s reasons for wishing to leave aren’t real reasons…
The non-limerent Sensor probably feels they’re a loyal and genuine person. It’s not their fault they don’t necessarily crave exclusivity and can’t whip other-worldly passion on demand out of a top-hat, like a magician. The limerent Intuitive, on the other hand, will definitely feel “deceived” and “led on” by the non-limerent Sensor’s inconsistent and/or lukewarm investment in the bond – a bond which they themselves profess to find so valuable! 😲😉
A female relative of mine recently started dating again after a failed long-term relationship. This female relative is a Sensor. She has never experienced infatuation. However, she has confessed to me that she would like to date a guy who is infatuated with her – at least for a couple months, early on in the new relationship. So this is the attitude I think many Sensors would adopt. Sensors don’t really experience infatuation themselves, but they love being on the receiving end of a partner’s infatuation – within reason, of course!! 😉
“When the limerent musters up all their strength to “move on” and the Sensor escalates the attention and complements and declarations of undying friendship and “needing you in my life”, and “you are the wind in my sails “?”
Ultimately, I believe the real reason a Sensor doesn’t want a limerent to “move on” in a timely manner is because of how hard it would be for the Sensor to replace the limerent in his life/social circle. Sensors might struggle more than Intuitives when it comes to getting into agreeable romantic set-ups. They might be less physically attractive than the Intuitive in question, or they might lack certain very subtle social skills.
The limerent Intuitive is really doing all the emotional work in a relationship with a Sensor, and is likely providing the Sensor with an emotional experience the latter can’t easily replicate with another partner. In other words, the limerent Intuitive makes the non-limerent Sensor “feel comfortable”. However, the Sensor’s enjoyment of their limerent Intuitive friend doesn’t necessarily make the non-limerent Sensor value the limerent Intuitive over other potential friends and partners. The Sensor will still always go with the “best offer on the table”. Confusing, huh? 🙄
“Why are they leading me on?”
Oh, goodness, another remarkable insight. Reading it makes me feel less alone because that mix of Limerent and Sensor can cause such uncertainty and heartache.
Unlike the complications of those who battle with being limerent when they have a SO, I am single. I don’t find that easy, however, because I need to find my own distractions and that can be hard.
My LO has a SO, however, and I am increasingly conscious of that as time goes on. He now has a new life in a different town.
We exchanged genuinely affectionate messages at the end of last year, instigated by me if I’m honest. My responses to his seasonal messages on WhatsApp have remained with two grey ticks. The miffed version of me thinks that that is a mean thing to do. I check at least once a day to see if they have gone blue. I can’t bear to delete the entire message history at the moment because of the wonderful messages he sent me a year or so ago. I no longer scroll through them and I know that really I should just scrub them. I have put the photos out of reach as far as possible and I don’t look at any reminders of our friendship.
I have written a long message explaining how hurt I feel at being ghosted, although I understand why. It’s a slightly self-indulgent missive which I shall never actually send. I have bought a birthday card for his gorgeous two-year old daughter but I do not think I should send it.
No Contact was gradual on his part, again if I’m honest. So it’s been ten weeks now and it’s killing me. Early mornings and waking up in the night can be the worst times. It feels so bleak to permanently lose an exceptional friend doesn’t it.
I think my so-called glimmery friend is a bit like this (I call her this even though I don’t truly think she gives me “the glimmer,” since it’s more just friendship and a garden variety crush with her). I think she enjoys having me like her and she deliberately tries to cultivate my feelings towards her. The funny thing is that despite me being really attracted to her, knowing that she flirted shamelessly with me a while back (she even admitted as much several times), liking her as a friend and being prone to limerence, I’m still nowhere limerent for this lady after hanging out with her regularly for a year now. If I was single and so was she and I had a chance with her, I’d go for it in a heartbeat (she is beautiful and certainly turns a lot of heads, even men half her age), but I couldn’t see having a serious relationship with this woman for various reasons.
I am pretty sure she wanted me to like her (a lot), but I’m still left wondering what she really wanted from me. Did she actually have feelings for me? Could she sense something in me that was indicative of limerence? Or was she just trying to stroke her own ego? I know that, like me, she is in a deeply unsatisfying marriage, but unlike me she actually cheated on her husband (she is very open about that). I still maintain that I wouldn’t physically cheat on my wife unless and until we went our separate ways. My glimmery friend also says she wouldn’t do that to her husband again, but she certainly gives off mixed signals. Perhaps she is conflicted and doesn’t know what she wants? Maybe she saw that I was in a very similar situation to her and thought there was a possibility of a discreet tryst between the two of us? I am kind of flattered she would pick me, but she did tell me I look somewhat similar to her former paramour. But then I tell myself she’s out of my league and she probably just wanted to stroke her own ego by flirting with me.
I already mentioned the strange circumstances of how my glimmery friend is a good friend of LO #1 (who was basically a stranger to me, although I kind of know her a bit by now). It was so weird because I knew who my glimmery friend was maybe 18 months before I ever met her. I saw tons of pictures of her together with LO #1 posted on the Facebook page of the bar where I met LO #1 and I recognized her name and face when I finally did meet her. I couldn’t believe that not only did I befriend this woman, but she even ended up flirting with me! Then she ended up bringing LO #1 back into my life after 2.5 years of no contact. What are the chances of that?
I did confide in my glimmery friend that I liked LO #1 a little too much for the situation. That didn’t seem to bother her, but she definitely seemed jealous when I told her a little bit about my feelings for LO #2 (who is a mutual friend). She then promptly told me about another guy I know casually and told me how hot he is. She keeps on going on about the guy, I’m assuming at least partially to make me jealous. Perhaps I am just slightly jealous of the guy, but it’s not a big deal. If she finds him really hot, who cares? But I do kind of miss the attention from my glimmery friend. I would say it has started to come back just a little lately (we started again to talk quite a lot and confide in each other), but I did tell her how much I miss LO #2, who basically is no longer in our friend group. My glimmery friend said, “I know you do,” but it didn’t seem like she was jealous. I think she also misses LO #2 as a friend, since she was such an integral part of our crowd, and now she has basically ditched us. Things just aren’t the same without her. I’m not sure if I am really still limerent for LO #2, but I am sad and depressed that she is no longer in my life (other than being a bullshit Facebook friend I never actually see in person).
I guess I have two questions about my glimmery friend: (1) What does she want from me? and (2) Why have I not become limerent for this lady (who frankly is better looking than either LO #1 or LO #2 and gave me much more validation than the other two combined)? Is it because she is married, her extremist political views that are so different from my own, the fact I am still not completely over LO #2 or simply the fact that there was no subtlety or anything left to the imagination in her flirtation with me (and, in fact, she readily admits to it)? Is it possible that her questionable morals turn me off? It is kind of difficult to put this woman on a pedestal, even though I do like her as a friend and find her extremely attractive.
Vicarious…
Two things.
A) I don’t think people can generally be limerent for two people at once. At least I never have been. So that might explain it.
B) I’m curious. In terms of the list of options etc. At the end of your post… Why do YOU think you haven’t got infatuated etc? Surely you are the only person who can know WHAT about this person is not to your taste. Do you honestly feel that you don’t know?
Asking from curiosity, no offence intended.
@Thomas, I am aware that the experts pretty much all agree it is basically impossible to be limerent for more than one person at a time, but I did experience transference to LO #2 from LO #1. I thought something similar would happen with my glimmery friend, but so far this hasn’t happened. I am really not sure why it is that I haven’t become limerent for her, but I suspect it is a combination of all of the factors I mentioned above. Another big one I forgot to mention is that she is so closely associated with LO #1 (and bizarrely also LO #2). I haven’t been limerent for LO #1 in quite some time, but I do still like her, find her attractive and retain a lot of fascination for her. Having feelings for one of her best friends just seems so odd. But more than anything I think it is the fact that it is hard to create limerent idealization of my glimmery friend in my head. She is a very attractive woman, we get along very well, we are in somewhat similar situations and she is a lot of fun, but I would find it so hard to put her on a pedestal since I found out very early on that she is very much a flawed character (as we probably all are).
I would still love to find out just what she was looking for from me, but I don’t have the courage to outright ask her (I suspect she either wouldn’t give me an honest answer or wouldn’t really know consciously herself). Just the other day my glimmery friend asked me, “Ever notice how I always take a picture with just the two of us whenever we go out?” That started me wondering again if there is anything to her interest in me.
Song of the Blog: “Big Log” – Robert Plant (1983)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQENqYt-xmE
This is probably my favorite Robert Plant song. LO #2 and I started dating in 1983.
We saw him in concert in June of 1985. This was the last song of the encore.
Omg yes! You’re so spot on here! I have been listening to it all day since I read this post earlier! It’s such a great song.
This whole post really hits home for me, too.
Good call!
Oh dear, my long time suspicion has been confirmed! I’ve been thinking about this “theory” for quite some time. Hearing (in this case, reading) this from you, for me is a form of validation. Thank you for the insight, Dr. L. It is very valuable for me.
This is an interesting topic. I believe my LO fits into the #2 mold nicely. I have always believed she is attracted to me in some way that stops short of romantic. When I disclosed to her she claimed feelings of friendship only but what has been weird is she has actually drawn a bit closer to me since I disclosed. I think she enjoys my attention/affection, mainly because she has affection gaps with her SO and I fill a few male relational voids in her life. This whole sensor idea makes sense to me.
One thing I would say here is that the model sort of assumes that limerent signalling is difficult to detect for other people, or LOs. Because otherwise ‘sensors’ would just be people responding to being desired.
Now there might be some people who are fully available to be in a relationship but just lead a limerent (or let’s face it, anyone) on for kicks. But the other issue is barriers. Limerence is partly defined as being exacerbated by barriers to realisation
of a relationship.
So maybe a more parsimonious solution is that limerents are pretty obvious in their attachments and some people like attention. Limerents themselves identify people who are unlikely to be able to respond fully.
I think my final point is that the idea of a ‘sensor’ plays to the common limerent fantasy that LOs are special. Or else that in some cases that they are reciprocating (when they may not be).
… And of course vanity and flattery are age-old vices.
As you can tell Dr. L. I’m a bit sceptical of the sensor hypothesis.
I think LO just enjoyed the attention. It’s not probably something that is in short supply for her though. She is a very attractive woman and I am sure gets some unwanted attention from time to time. I probably wasn’t any different than any other man (or woman) that has been smitten with her.
The only thing, after reading this post, that I realized is I think LO solicited attention from me more after she got into a relationship with another young man. When she was single it actually seemed she was less interested in anything other than work related communication and the occasional small talk.
Or maybe she noticed that I saw her differently all of a sudden and liked it. I’m not sure if it was a conscious manipulation rather than she was just flattered and knew how to get my attention to give her attention. I don’t think there was anything malicious there though. But then in the fog of limerence maybe I just didn’t want to admit it that I was being manipulated because I liked getting the attention from her. She was very complimentary towards the end and seemed more endearing. The last day I saw her I know that she went out of her way to let me help her with things that she normally was very independent about. Like letting me do manual labor for her or holding the door open. Things she would normally say she could do herself.
“The only thing, after reading this post, that I realized is I think LO solicited attention from me more after she got into a relationship with another young man. When she was single it actually seemed she was less interested in anything other than work related communication and the occasional small talk.”
Actually, it’s not all that surprising. Once she was in a romantic relationship, you were no longer a threat in that context.
That allowed her to be more open in other areas.
I operated that way in HS. There was a girl who really liked me. The idea of anyone getting close enough to me to see what a massive cauldron of insecurity I really was scared the living sh-t out of me.
Once I’d trashed things to the point that she gave up on me, we became very good friends. She was the only girl I stayed in contact with after HS and I visited her while I was in college. We stayed in contact until she got engaged and said it would be for the best if we said goodbye.
I found a picture she gave me in HS. The caption on the back said, “Peace?”
45 years later, I’m not sure what she meant by that. I never heard from her again. I looked for her but can’t find her.
My point is that your LO’s new relationship frees her up to be more open. For a limerent, that could be badly misconstrued.
You didn’t change, she did. LOs have been known to do that and it can wreak havoc on us limerents. An LO whose circumstances changed was the basis for my LE with LO #4.
Don’t overthink it.
Also, there is the “back up mate” hypothesis. Basically, women have an instinct to have a male (usually platonic friend) as a back up. Evolutionarily this means that if the primary relationship fails, she and her off spring will have instant access to other male protection.
“Actually, it’s not all that surprising. Once she was in a romantic relationship, you were no longer a threat in that context.”
A threat in what context? That she thought I wanted to pursue her and so she kept her distance because I was married? But once she was with someone she didn’t think that I would pursue her?
Bearing in mind this is pure speculation on my part.
My take is she was aware of your interest and, as LO #4 so eloquently put it after my disclosure was, “Wow! I had no idea! I’m flattered and, under different circumstances, might even be curious. But, circumstances are what they are.”
Maybe if you had been available, she might have been curious but you aren’t available. You don’t become unlikable. She found someone else and took herself out of that game. That allows her to adjust the boundaries and be a friend.
It can be excruciating to see an LO move on. But, if you’re not available, you never lost them because you never really had a chance with them.
As attached limerents, we don’t even get to say, “LO could have had me.” I can say that about LO #2 but she can’t say that about me. I asked her to marry me and she declined. LO #4 can’t say it because she knew I was married and she threw the flag. I can’t say it about LO #4 because I wasn’t available.
Part of me likes to think I cross their minds now and then. I want LO #2’s last thought on her deathbed to be of me. But, I can be pissy that way. I’d be happy if I knew LO #4 could still spell my name.
None of it matters but now those thoughts are endless Muzak. They’re always in the background but they’re no longer affecting anything. They’re something I’ve just learned to live with. I make no decisions based on them nor do I have to really consciously think over or around them. But, in the absence of something else to think about, they float up. Hanging around LwL probably reinforces that but it’s a luxury that I can afford. If past performance is an indicator of future performance, I’m approaching the end of my time here.
That went a little sideways.
Limmy says
MARCH 6, 2023 AT 5:19 PM
“Also, there is the “back up mate” hypothesis. Basically, women have an instinct to have a male (usually platonic friend) as a back up. Evolutionarily this means that if the primary relationship fails, she and her off spring will have instant access to other male protection.”
I was just also wondering about the role of ‘benching’ by an LO, which is maybe adding to that and more of an emotional basis.
As a limerent myself I know the extreme difficulty in deciding if positive responses are ‘friendliness’ or signs of a more significant developing reciprocation.
I have also learned an LO can be unstable in that regard depending on the state of play with her SO. Even from a well meaning LO’S POV why wouldn’t they ‘bench’ someone they like who is signalling strong interest in them, if there is instability with their SO. It means that LO’s bets are well hedged if they haven’t declared or are not sure they have any romantic interest. What have they got to lose by keeping the adoring limerent in orbit around them? The LO can push away and pull back knowing that the interest in them seems to be guaranteed whatever they do or don’t do.
Until one day it isn’t and the Limerent goes NC as I am trying to establish now, which is very hard and deeply distressing.
That’s an interesting hypothesis. I often wondered how much LO could sense about me. The rest of the office knew I had a “crush” on LO and would occasionally tease me about it. So if they knew something was there from observation, I would have thought LO did too even if she didn’t voice it.
When I first met LO she was single; recently divorced. So the interest she could probably sensed from me could have been a possible “just in case” interest. Being that she was also dealing with her ex being toxic in her life still and I seemed to have treated her with special interest. Or for me the way I was raised, the way a man should treat a lady. Because to start, when I worked with her, I didn’t have any special interest in her. It wasn’t until a year into knowing her that I had a glimmer for her. But then at that time she was the only female worker in the office so she had no reference for how I interacted with women.
Either way, I was married and/or the man she is with now is more appealing she didn’t pursue finding out how far I would go. Which is a definite blessing. I really wouldn’t want to test my resolve as a husband with her. It’s bad enough with just the limerence.
In my case it went much more ordinary.
He WAS interested. He DID like me. It was always HIM actively approaching me. I didn’t imagine anything. Except – he forgot to tell me he was married with 3 children. Besides that, he lied just about anything. His profession, job, education, where he lived, car he drove, even his ethnicity(!) (said Australian-Brazillian, it was Australian-Greek: I mean – who does this?!!)
When I started asking questions and expressed my pain/feeling, all I got was a mail, saying he regrets he let it go so far stringing me along. An apology was the best he could do. He didn’t admit anything. And next he vanished. It all made no sense and that was the painful part that made me Limerent and wondering for months.
I met him in Europe and couldn’t check anything he said. I think he was trying to pretend to be someone completely else or build the second nest. It was pure by accident that months later I stumbled upon the man I knew he worked with, because he introduced us, who told me the truth. Before that I was in Limerent pain for 6 months, knowing nothing. Amount of pain/obsession I cannot even put to words.
I am glad I didn’t end up in bed with him, and that was only because he was inconsistent. I think he let me go not because of empathy, altruism or consciousness, but because I showed boundaries and started to ask questions. I didn’t serve his purpose.
My conclusion is that I got to deal with a pathological lier. I’m not gonna say a Narcissist or a Sociopath, but definitely someone on a Beta-cluster spectrum.
He said he was an INFP, but I experienced him more like a ESTP. Me myself am ENTP (This might be interesting: to make a pool about Limerents and their LO Myers Briggs classification and which personality types are prevalent.
The moment I realized the true nature of things I felt relief. It was not me. Felt like I dodged the bullet (could of got much worse and only 2,5 months lost). My healing had begun. I am still not completely there, fighting the intrusive thoughts, but I notice I am getting better. I am not checking up on him at all. I am not chasing the truth or details of his private or professional life etc. And I am trying to push up thoughts of him or injustice when they pop up (which us still often). Being busy is the best therapy!
What really helped me was that I confronted him. And then blocked him.
I feel really ashamed that I fell for such a douchebag and have problems shaking it off.
Draga
Dr L did a post on that very subject of the correlation with MBTI and limerence. (https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-common-is-limerence/) It was his thoughts on a online survey (which he linked in his post) that was done to see which MBTI personality types were most susceptible to limerence. Being an ISFJ myself I was surprised at how low, according to the survey, ISFJ are weak to limerence.
I could certainly see how my type, at least with me personally, played into me falling into limerence with LO. Add in rescue type and anxious-insecure attachment and its a wonder I didn’t fall into limerence much sooner after meeting her than I did. She played right into all the issues that I have in regards to women perfectly. But thankfully, for my wife, my children and my life she chose someone else.
Somehow though I still struggle to move past her in my mind. My actions over the 9 months she has been gone are the right ones. But my mind and heart still struggle to let her go.
Thank you!
I was talking with a female friend who is also near the end of a limerent experience. She was recently diagnosed with fibroid tumors, and after a visit to a specialist in Chinese Medicine she was asked about whether she had any fantasies she was holding on to. This was her first time meeting this Chinese Medicine practitioner, who had no idea about her limerence. However, according to Chinese Medicine, fibroid tumors can be caused by fantasies that we are holding on to. I found this fascinating.
An exercise my friend was given involved visualizing a river and trying to pinpoint when the fibroid started. She tried these exercises and began to visualize a moment when she felt an energetic connection with her LO. The Chinese Medicine practitioner looked at her ultrasound, which showed the fibroid growing on a stalk, and told her to imagine that this fibroid was her LE connected to her, and if she could visualize cutting the energy cord with her LE, it would be like cutting the stalk of the fibroid. Super interesting stuff, and we’ll see what happens with this.
In regards to this post, my friend said she relates to this sensor idea, and it was only after picking up on signs from LO that her LE started. The LE is only in her head and until the fibroid, hadn’t caused any problems for her and her SO. It was just a nice fantasy that she enjoyed, spurred on by moments of attention from LO who she sees occasionally in social circles.
She says it’s hard to visualize cutting the cord with LO because he makes her feel so good when she sees him and she isn’t seeing any harm in it. But now with this fibroid growth, maybe it’s the body’s way of telling her it is harmful? I find this mind/body stuff quite intriguing, and not sure if I quite believe it, but I am very curious. Have others had a similar experience?
“Everyone wants to be loved. Most people enjoy the ego-boost when they suspect that someone is attracted to them, but perhaps there are some people who have a limerence-like reaction to inspiring love.
For heartsick limerents, the desire for admiration from such a person can seem like a cruel and manipulative attempt to lead them on.”
This is an absolutely fascinating hypothesis…
Do some people get a high out of being adored? Yup, I’m pretty sure they do. 😉
For the record, I don’t believe my LO ever “led me on”. Honestly, in addition to me, he had scores of female admirers: female admirers who made their admiration very obvious. Competition for his favour was fierce, to say the least. I wasn’t even in the running, except in the realm of fantasy. How I ever managed to get him to myself occasionally I don’t know. (Maybe he wasn’t as gorgeous and as charismatic and as socially in-demand as I believed him to be?) 🙄
Still, he never lacked for company. I’d be, like, number thirty million on his list of “most-liked people”, if I made it onto his list at all!! 😆 However, I do believe he enjoyed being admired, and wasn’t too fussed if that admiration came from someone that he wasn’t interested in dating. I praised his facial hair once. He seemed to find the compliment gratifying rather than disgustingly inappropriate due to it coming from someone of the wrong biological sex. (Can men legitimately and inoffensively compliment the grooming habits of other men? Who knows?) 🙄
Validation seems to be something human beings really like, and I mean all human beings. I’m most likely on the autism spectrum, although I’ve made massive strides recently in terms of my social skills, so it’s taken me a while to wrap my head around how much so-called “normies” love giving and receiving validation. Validation-swapping, for neurotypicals, seems to be some kind of empty social ritual, much like small talk. One shouldn’t read too much into it… 😉
I guess, in garden-variety-crush-type situations, there no harm in exchanging validation. Even validation that arguably strays into romantic territory. However, limerence is a whole different animal to garden-variety crush. A crush, for example, doesn’t make someone deeply sad, and feel that life is not truly worth living, if the feelings aren’t returned. A crush is an agreeable extra on the menu. It’s not the whole darn restaurant, which limerence masquerades as being. 😉
When I was in limerence, I became oddly obsessed with the idea of “masculinity”, whatever “masculinity” is. I think, I thought that if I presented myself in a sufficiently masculine way, my LO would never suspect I was limerent for him. I would “get away” with my obsession, in other words. The irony is that (a) my LO wasn’t particularly attracted to or impressed by “masculinity” if he ever thought about said topic, which he probably didn’t, and (b) he was always more girly or “feminine” than me anyway. (Very vain about his appearance, etc).
When I was in limerence, I assumed the difference between human men and human women must be MASSIVE. And in my head I further exaggerated any differences I could find between the sexes. I believe I was doing this in an attempt to justify and/or explain why I was attracted to who I was attracted to. Now that I’m no longer limerent, I realise the differences between men and women are not as great as I always imagined, and that the (straight) men who succeed in long-term relationships with women are men who display more conventionally “feminine” traits (such as love and compassion and nurturing) anyway! 🙄
I’ve realised that the reason I’ve done so poorly in life in my relationships with both men and women is I’ve always emphasised my masculinity at the expense of my femininity, because I was trying to avoid real and/or perceived social rejection. I assumed incorrectly that other humans were repulsed by my so-called “femininity”. I see now that even the men who succeed at platonic friendships with other men are the men who are somewhat in touch with their feelings. 😲
I always thought everyone else in my life was “emotionally unavailable” and that’s why none of my relationships worked out. Now, I see I’m the emotionally unavailable one who is unwilling to connect with others, largely out of a fear of “doing it the wrong way/making a mistake”. I’m the one who’s been “holding people at arm’s length”. I have mistakenly conflated masculinity and avoidant attachment. I thought that to be a “real man” one must be stern and serious and standoffish.
Do you know I have a really haunting memory related to limerence? I was at my school formal, and my (male) LO was watching me and my (female) date have our picture taken. This girl was the same girl who was limerent for me, by the way, adding an extra layer of sexual confusion and moral ambiguity to the story…
Anyway, my male LO thought that this girl and I looked so cute together that he giggled as he observed us. I don’t know why this memory is so spooky. I think it’s spooky because it’s the only time all three of us were in the same room together and unintentionally “sharing a moment”. 🤔
I think I was drawn to my male LO precisely because he had some feminine traits, such as giggling, although I perceived him as being very manly too. (He was better at sport that I was). His occasional and clearly very superficial interest in me, however, is something I can’t explain – not even to this day. He was brilliant at giving me crumbs of affection and attention and only ever crumbs.
He never gave me an empty platter, in a manner of speaking, for instance, and he never gave me the whole cake. If he ever gave me an empty platter, I’m sure the infatuation would be over in a heartbeat. If he ever gave me a whole cake, or even an entire slice of cake, I’m sure the infatuation would be over just as fast. It’s hard not to think of him of some kind of evil genius sometimes. How did he always manage to measure out just the right amount of positive reinforcement to keep hooked? The only rational explanation is he wasn’t doing whatever he was doing on purpose… 🤣🙄
This blog post really hits home for me. My LO is a friend who I met about 6 months ago. I am a straight married female and fell completely limerent for this woman! I’ve posted before because in the beginning, I was so confused and upset by these feelings and I really didn’t understand this over the top level of crushing on someone. As time has gone on, I’ve come to understand it a bit more and this website has been a godsend.
Anyway, I told her that I had more than friend feelings for her (she’s lesbian) and how I was very confused then everything just got a little awkward. And then out of the blue, she just said “bye, this is too weird for me”. I was so sad for weeks but I knew NC was definitely a healthier place for me. Then, after about 6 weeks of NC (and me crying A LOT), she texted me to say hi. I really thought we were never going to be friends again but here we are, friends once again. UGH. We have such a sweet and natural friendship and amazing chemistry. It feels like I’ve known her my entire life. I guess we are just meant to be friends and that’s fine with me. I feel much more in control of the situation now than I ever did, which makes me think I am healing a bit from my crazy limerence. That said, it’s not completely gone. And I think she kind of loves that I like her, but oddly, she is making a bigger effort in the friendship and I think she kind of missed being so adored hence the Sensor! I wonder if I’m just being led on? Maybe I’m just reading into it and she really just missed our friendship. I don’t really know.
This whole thing has been very enlightening and I’m spending a lot of time just trying to be more spiritual. Trying to accept myself, no matter who or what I am. And trying not to be so hard on myself. I’m overall so much happier and I feel like having gone through this limerence has been such a growing experience for me. Crazy, right? And even if I’m being kind of “led on” by my LO, I am so much stronger and in control these days.
Hi NinaZee, it’s good to hear your update. I have no doubt that you feel like things are good and under control with your LO friendship. I can’t predict where this is heading, but I know that many of us do the bounce-back-to-friendship dance with our LOs and it can be unhealthy. (This is coming from the girl who is actively maintaining friendships with her current and most recent LOs. Oh brother, who am I to speak?). Anyway, I want you to consider something…
Are you being honest with your family about your contact with LO? It sounds like you have a great family and you guys look out for each other. Does your husband and/or son know that you are spending time with LO again?
It is good to hear from you! Thanks for dropping in.
Lovisa!!
Hello friend, it’s so nice to hear from you, as well! Always the voice of reason and I did get a little lol from you saying “(This is coming from the girl who is actively maintaining friendships with her current and most recent LOs. Oh brother, who am I to speak?). ” 🤣. And no, my son and husband don’t know that I’m spending time with LO again…😬. I’m not sure where things are headed and I agree that this dance isn’t super healthy. I know I said I feel stronger and in control and I do…for now. Anyway, this place is a little bit like going to confession. Needed to confess. Now I will try to keep my focus on other things.
How are things with you? I hope well. Thank you, as always, for your kindness and sound advice ❤️
NinaZee,
I hope you keep coming back. I don’t want to be an enabler to you so I have to admit that I am concerned about the secrecy. That being said, I know it’s hard to resist LO contact. Also, I want you to feel safe sharing here because healing comes through community and shining a light on the situation.
I still believe that I am juggling LO2, LO3 and SO well. I am probably delusional. I had a set back over the weekend when SO was out of town and LO3 was unavailable and I actually broke down into tears. My feelings were overwhelming. And guess who offered me comfort and kindness… SO. He knew why I was sad and he tried to cheer me up. He is incredible. Hopefully, someday I’ll be worthy of him.
Miss Lovisa you are very much worthy of your husband. You might struggle but you stay faithful and loyal to him despite your limerence.
And while he might not fully understand it hes beside you unconditionally. That means you have forged an incredible bond together. I know that you two will be together till the end no matter what obstacles limerence throws in front of you two.
I dont like admitting this Miss Lovisa but I had tears for LO. Ive been sick since Thursday last week with a lung infection so Ive been listening to lots of music and this came on. Not sure if Ive posted before.
Tell Me — Hunter Hayes
https://youtu.be/nGWtMl49-jU
Hi Adam, I wondered why you weren’t posting as much. I’m sorry you’re sick. Do you have a treatment to get yourself feeling better soon? I was quite ashamed of my tears for my LO, too. I understand where you are coming from. I feel like my situation is a little more despicable considering that my SO is being so kind towards me. Since Momma is being cold, you kinda have an excuse to justify your limerence (not that any of us limerents should be using excuses). Though it sounds like you guys have moments of connection, too. I must give her credit for that because I know this has been hard on her.
I met a new friend today and she told me that she struggles with jealousy. She checks her husband’s phone for pornography and it hurts her if she “catches” him. They almost divorced over it. Anyway, she isn’t comfortable with the idea of her husband being around other women. Here’s the thing, she is so likable! I kept thinking, “She would not like me if she knew I had relationships with LOs.” I felt like I got a sample of what LO’s wife would be like. I really don’t want to hurt anyone. And I really don’t want to trigger jealousy in anyone. I have been second-guessing myself all day. I had a brief conversation with LO3 this morning and that’s all. LO2 had surgery so his friend reached out to me to see if I could cheer him up. I think his friend and I cheered him up. That text conversation was on and off for most of the work-day.
Oh brother, what am I doing? Anyway…
Thanks for saying those nice things about my SO and our marriage. Eternity is our goal.
Yes Miss Lovisa I went to the doctor and got some medicine. I wanted to get tested before I went back to work (I’m back today) to make sure it wasn’t covid. It got worse over the weekend so I wanted to get tested Monday and was negative. I am feeling better today but still congested from the infection. But the medicine is helping.
We haven’t talked about LO in a while. I don’t really know her feelings still on the subject. We just kind of left it open ended. And now isn’t the time. Our oldest is home for spring break from college so I know she is enjoying her time with him. I went for a walk to the store with him yesterday after I was feeling better. And he confessed to me that he had a pregnancy scare with his lady friend as they tried without protection. Oh shit I don’t want to be a grandparent at 45. But I kept calm and just told him to be careful and concentrate on college.
I’ve never really had that issue in regards to my wife, as I don’t think that I am the only man she has ever noticed and/or found attractive. As long as I am who she gets in bed with each night it doesn’t really bother me. It is apparent this does bother her and I am trying to find a way in which to make it right. I try not to dwell on LO and keep my thoughts clear at least when I am at home.
I remembered in conversation the time that LO got really sick back in 2021 and she had to get tested for covid like I did Monday. I told my wife that while we were waiting in the doctor’s office and that I was glad that it wasn’t and that she recovered. I told my wife I sent her a get well card (which I hadn’t told her before) in an effort to be honest. She didn’t really react much either way.
And I am glad that he is recovering well from his surgery. I haven’t had a surgery in a long time but many years ago I had to have an emergency appendix removal and that was a difficult thing to recover from. Hoping for the best for him and his recovery.
We all have to work at this one day at a time Miss Lovisa. Don’t be too hard on yourself but also watch yourself. I am only in a position to have to watch my thoughts that they don’t get to where they shouldn’t. I trust in your faith to your husband Miss Lovisa. I know you will do the right thing.
Thanks Adam. I will watch myself.
A pregnancy scare, yikes! It sounds like you handled yourself well when you were with your son.
Interesting that Momma didn’t react to hearing LO’s name. I wonder why.
Hi Lovisa,
“I hope you keep coming back. I don’t want to be an enabler to you so I have to admit that I am concerned about the secrecy. That being said, I know it’s hard to resist LO contact. Also, I want you to feel safe sharing here because healing comes through community and shining a light on the situation.”
Yes, you’re spot on with my secrecy. I’m not being forthcoming with that right now with either my husband or son. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong at this point and I’m not planning on doing anything wrong. But I know this is a slippery slope. I do. ☹️
“I still believe that I am juggling LO2, LO3 and SO well. I am probably delusional. I had a set back over the weekend when SO was out of town and LO3 was unavailable and I actually broke down into tears. My feelings were overwhelming. And guess who offered me comfort and kindness… SO. He knew why I was sad and he tried to cheer me up. He is incredible. Hopefully, someday I’ll be worthy of him.”
You’re not delusional! You’re human and flawed and beautiful, like the rest of us! We’re all doing our best, but we are not perfect. I think it’s wonderful that your SO comforted you when you needed it. I also believe that these LO experiences have been put into our lives for a reason. I, personally, don’t know what that reason is, but I have a lot of faith in the universe. I’m so sorry that you had a moment that was so overwhelming that it brought you to tears, but maybe that was necessary to release something inside of you. I hope that you’re feeling better and that you are connecting more with your SO.
Thanks, NinaZee. I appreciate your kind words. Be careful, okay?
Thanks, I’ll be careful. Actually, I don’t think LO and I will ever see each other again after today. Let’s just say I opened my eyes and saw some things about her that I chose not to see before and I kind of feel like I dodged a massive bullet. I’m glad it happened so that I can officially move on from this situation. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate all of your help these past few months. ❤️
NinaZee,
I had a bad feeling about her. Whatever it was that you saw, I’m glad it happened and you can move forward.
You are welcome. I enjoyed our back and forth, too. Best of luck!
Thanks Lovisa, yes, I’m glad, too. Take care and good luck with it all ❤️💕