Another year rolls round to its end, and here in the UK we’ve had some proper Christmassy weather, with subzero temperatures and a frost-bedecked world. The betting markets are doing their usual roaring trade in gambling on whether we’ll have a white Christmas, but given how it’s been warming up this last week, the bookmakers look set to be the main winners again.
Despite being a mostly secular nation, Christmas is a big part of British culture, and so it comes with a large dose of psychological meaning. One consequence is that limerent distress – or vulnerability – can be heightened by the amplification of importance that seems to come with significant dates.
This distress can take different forms, depending on the limerent’s circumstances. Maybe you are single, and missing your LO more intensely than ever. Maybe your LO isn’t single, and so that sadness is given extra piquancy by imagining them with their partner or family – your exclusion heightened by the shame of wanting someone who is already taken. Or, maybe you are not single. Maybe you have a family who deserve your love and attention, but you are wrestling with the guilt of being constantly distracted by urgent, intrusive thoughts of LO.
Sadly, there are lots of ways in which limerence can spoil the holidays, or the holidays can worsen limerence. So, this Christmas eve in the LwL coffeehouse, let’s pour ourselves a mulled wine in place of our usual coffee, and contemplate what can be done to manage the season’s melancholia.
1. Capitalise on no contact time
It’s usually the case that holiday time means enforced separation from a Limerent Object. Try to think of that as an opportunity, not a loss.
While withdrawal can be painful, you can also use it as a way to try and build resilience. When you find the intrusive thoughts about LO getting bad, take some time to tell yourself “this is helping me build resistance”, rather than giving into the impulse to reach out and dispel the discomfort by contacting them.
Even worse, if your LO is unavailable and spending time with their family, then you might just be inviting more pain by texting them in the hope that some contact will give relief. Instead, you might invite the agony of endlessly waiting for them to reply.
Try to use the time away from LO productively, by building your recovery mindset and bolstering your resolve.
2. Don’t break existing no contact
An alternative scenario to consider is when you have already been limiting contact for some time, but miss them more acutely because of the festivities.
There are abundant excuses for getting back in touch with them – to wish them a happy Christmas, or happy New Year, or to express your hope that they are doing well – which can give you a fig leaf of deniability.
This is another chance to test your resilience. When you are gifted an opportunity to break No Contact with a ready-made culturally-approved excuse, it’s even more psychologically powerful to resist.
If you have the grit to ride out the temptation and not give in, you’ll do wonders for your recovery. Resistance is more meaningful when you have an excuse to indulge, but don’t take it.
Being aware that the pitfall of social deniability exists can be enough to give you that extra edge.
3. Use the sadness to start a life review
Resisting temptation is good, but sometimes the enforced separation can be hard to cope with. This is especially true if you are alone, but LO is surrounded by family (and in the worst imaginings of your subconscious, having a wonderful time while oblivious to your loneliness). Then, the challenge is not so much resisting desire, as coping with sadness.
One way of approaching this problem is to use the milestone of an important date to review your life honestly. Anniversaries and festivals are a time for reflection. It’s understandable to be sad at such times, but it can also be a time for a reset.
Stories are a powerful way of understanding the trials of life, and one of the most compelling is the story of rebirth. A good way to conceptualise your situation as a narrative, is to align your life to the season. You are in your midwinter, and that is when the world is at its darkest and coldest.
But winter passes.
The New Year comes with recovery and regrowth, and for you, too, the New Year holds the promise of a better life. Have compassion for yourself in these dark times, as you would for anyone else who is suffering loss – even disenfranchised grief.
The key message of rebirth stories is that the old life must be left behind – remembered, but transcended. Whatever circumstances meant that you could not be together with your LO are irrelevant to the central truth: they cannot give you relief from your sadness.
Looking ahead to the New Year and the coming spring, you no longer want to be mired in this mess of an asymmetrical obsession. You don’t want to stay where you are, or even worse trudge backwards, ever deeper into the darkness of the underworld.
You don’t know what new adventures are out there ahead of you, or what opportunities might arrive. You don’t know who you will find along the road. But, you do know that rebirth means new beginnings and new hope, and the determination to look forwards and leave the bitter past behind.
Mmm, mulled wine.
The holidays are definitely a good time to reset, because we are outside our normal routines, which are probably imbued with LO-memories/synced with LO-schedules. I had a reset (for the better) after summer holidays, though it wasn’t total eradication. It was a little scary and painful. Perhaps these winter holidays will also add to further recovery.
Happy holidays to all here at LwL, especially Dr. L, who keeps giving the gift of wisdom and knowledge.
A lovely massager, Limmy, and lots of wisdom as usual from DrL.
I am really struggling. I have benefited so much from the comments here (special mention to Sarah and B, who have similar elements to my story), and from DrL’s words, and finished the emergency deprograming course (including all the bonus modules!). But I am still stuck. After 3 years of a friendly acquaintance and work relationship I feel into a LE/EA with an indirect colleague about a year ago. It was easy to see why: he met many of my archetype features and I was in a very difficult position at home; my SO and I have been disconnected for years – we’ve not had sex in almost 9 years, nor have we kissed or cuddled in that time. If I approached SO either emotionally or physically, he would pull away. I tried for many years to get him to couples therapy and he refused. I was lonely and hopeless and looked to my (also married, also somewhat unhappily) LO to fill a void of passion and connection. I didn’t want to break up my family so thought we could have a PA – something to look forward to separate from the hopelessness of my “real life”. After a mutual declaration (I declared, LO reciprocated but then played hot and cold over a few months) we did, very briefly have a PA (basically a one-night stand) but the next day LO apparently decided he could not continue, and basically ghosted me (he ignored or very much delayed responding to my messages asking if we could meet as I assumed we had started a PA – he was obtuse but friendly, pretending not to understand my “hey, what’s up for tonight – get together for a drink?”; I finally got him on the phone for a very cold 2 minute phone call when he said that our one night stand was all there would be). I went into NC/LC if we saw each other for work immediately. But occasionally he reaches out on WhatsApp with an article of interest or with a veiled approach, but we have not been together alone, or had a proper conversation. But he sits next to me at meetings, sometimes flirts, says things like “I’d love to connect sometime” (that was a week ago) but ignores my direct replies (e.g., “Sure. When would work for you?”) and a couple of weeks ago said he “goes back and forth every day” about us, but it was muttered under his breath as a meeting was in progress. Basically he flirts a bit when I am not in a position to call him out because we are in public. So we are kind of in a limerence dance (although he is not in limerence, or if he is he is doing a darned good job of hiding it). Part of me realises it is over, but with occasional uncertainty. I realise this is all garbled but it is a long, complicated story. The upshot is it has been 6 months since our PA ended and I still have not had an apology from him about the way he ended things. Notwithstanding all the excellent blog posts about closure being an illusion, I am heartbroken.
I see no way out. The couples therapy with SO has not made any meaningful progress, I am left feeling like a piece of discarded garbage — not even worth an apology or conversation from LO, just a few breadcrumbs and mixed messages and allusions to what happened. And I feel hopeless about my life. Have had many suicidal thoughts, as things are not improving at home and it is clear I am worthless to LO. He doesn’t want me, has no regrets about losing me, and doesn’t even see me as worth a conversation.
I don’t know how I am supposed to build a “purposeful life” among all this – home life is difficult (our son is very hard to parent, and we don’t coparent well) and I feel used, broken, and worthless. What sort of “purpose” can replace all this? Pottery? Hiking?
Sorry for the rant.
TP,
You are in a very difficult position. You aren’t getting your emotional or sexual needs met at home. Of course you are vulnerable to limerence. Oh, what a hard situation. My heart goes out to you.
Your LO has his own struggles. It sounds like he isn’t the person to meet your needs either, but there are more than 2 people in this world who you can connect with. It’s not SO, LO or none. Friends? Family? Community?
It makes sense that your self-worth is lacking right now. Ideally, your SO would make you feel important. You relied on your LO to fill that need because it worked for a while, but he isn’t helping now either. Trying to get that feeling of self-worth from LO might be making the situation worse.
It sounds like you are actively trying to work through your struggles. Don’t give up. You can do it. I wish I could be more helpful.
TP, I am so sorry to read of all the misery you are going through. You went from horrible situation, to horrible situation. The thing is to realize that your worth is nothing to do with either SO or LO, no matter how atrocious they are behaving. They have their own issues, obviously, don’t let them drag you into the mud with them! And treat yourself kindly, you’re going through a very challenging period of your life right now, and though it seems endless, it too will pass.
Many thanks, Limmy and Lovisa, for your kind words. (and sorry for the typos; e.g., “thank you for the lovely massager, Limmy” should have been “Thank you for the lovely message” of course).
I am re-reading many especially helpful blog posts here, e.g., the one on “why was I not enough for them?” or “Case study: Limerence and ego”. Just so many posts that make logical sense but don’t seem to penetrate yet. I’d love to see a blog post from DrL on “when limerence becomes heartbreak” since I am still as obsessed as ever, just not with positive fantasies and rumination, more “why didn’t he want me? why won’t he even talk to me like a human? why has he foregone our PA/EA so easily? why am I so unforgettable? and why does he occasionally give me flirty signs or breadcrumbs at odd moments, and then pull away if I try to initiate a grown-up conversation?”. Am I still in a LE if the obsessive thoughts are negative?
I keep hearing the mantra “garbage. garbage. garbage” in my head, because the other inescapable logic I see is that if I was worth anything at all, he would have respected me with an honest conversation/apology. I can’t seem to make his behaviour a mark against him, or use it as ammunition to get over him as being unworthy. It’s all about what it means about my worth to him (i.e., zero).
And unfortunately his opinion of me trumps all others – family (my blood family are on the other side of the world, my husband and child a source of anxiety and hopelessness), my friends (of which I am blessed to have many). Everyone. Nothing seems to penetrates this fog of rejection, shame, guilt, or longing for any type of sign that he is sorry and regretful so I can not feel so worthless. Seeing comments from other limerents that they think about their LOs even when they are NC and avoiding them gives me hope that he maybe feels the same way and can’t be around me for self-preservation (which is a dangerous thing to think, as it is giving me false hope).
Again, my thanks to DrL, Limmy, Lovisa, and the many other thoughtful people on this site whose comments have resonated with me. It really is such a supportive community – one positive thing from my LE is finding you people. I hope continued reading and time will help me to feel like there is hope for the future.
TP,
“ I keep hearing the mantra “garbage. garbage. garbage” in my head, because the other inescapable logic I see is that if I was worth anything at all, he would have respected me with an honest conversation/apology.”
That isn’t true. He is a person with his own issues.
It sounds like you are going through depression. I really don’t like that you have such a hurtful message going through your head. If I had a magic wand, I would replace it with, “friend, daughter, sister…” Anything positive. Perhaps, “diligent, brave, loving.” I don’t know your strengths. Please take a minute to list your strengths and replace “garbage, garbage, garbage” with some positive, true descriptions of you. You might consider using a gratitude journal. When my daughter went through depression, every night we played a game called, “What went well?” We took turns listing things that went well that day. Sometimes the things are small like, “There were a lot of green lights during my commute.” Sometimes they were big like, “I heard from an old friend and we had a good conversation.” It helps to play the game with someone else, but you can do it alone.
You have infinite worth. Strangers on the internet can see your value. The people around you see it, too.
If you are desperate, you might consider transferring your LE to a new LO. It worked for me. I’m talking about limerence, not an EA or PA. I wouldn’t recommend an affair.
Good luck!
Hey TP, I’m thinking of one other scenario, that may be possible, which is, because your LO is married, after the PA he probably realized what he stood to lose (his family, his reputation, his community, etc.) and took the coward’s way out and ghosted you. I think because your marriage is so bad, you may not realize that LO might have a stronger desire to preserve his marriage than you might. The state of bad marriages can vary so much! There is going through a bad patch, and there is simply irretrievably awful! Very often even when going through a bad patch, married people still don’t want to lose the marriage. A PA would up the odds of a marriage ending. So, the hot-and-cold you are describing is someone who is enjoying the attention (even our LOs want to feel desirable) but doesn’t want to upset his apple cart at home. His flirting in public makes me think he might be a tad bit narcissistic, wanting his supply. If you have the courage to, rather than signal your availability the next time he says “I’d love to connect with you”, I would throw him an incredulous look and say, “Are you joking? I wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole.” (or something to that effect)
Look, this is all speculation. I know we limerents want closure. We are not going to get it. As you say, Dr L says we just have to give up the illusion of it – this is hard, but truth. But, I’m just pointing out that there are other possible interpretations to your situation than the one you are giving yourself and beating yourself up so hard over, and it might not be that LO did not value you. Married people are a totally different kettle of fish, than two singles going about things. So many more obligations and issues.
So, I don’t know if Emma was referring to something I said previously about most of us just wanting to feel desired, but I speculated there if the way out of that is to accept ourselves as desirable. Basically, self-supply whatever it is that is missing. I’ve also been exploring what purposeful living means to me, and I think for me it is untangling what the world tells me I should want and what I *really* want. A large part of it is removing dependence on all externalities for happiness and validation, and finding that source within (which for so many of us is obscured). All easier said than done, of course, but I’m just sharing what is working for me, as a recovering limerent.
I wish you luck! And keep talking if you need. As Lovisa put it absolutely perfectly, “You have infinite worth.” I certainly see it too, stranger on the internet that I am. I wish you well.
@TP
Also this: https://livingwithlimerence.com/indecisive-los/
Limmy, I can’t thank you enough for these words, and for the link to the “Indecisive LOs” blog post, which I somehow missed amongst all the others and is about the closest I’ve seen to my situation. I will be reading it multiple times a day, every day, until the words resonate beyond just a “theoretical” level – I can’t seem to make it “click” for me yet. You are an angel. Thank you, thank you.
My therapist (oh yes, you bet your life I am in therapy) also suspects your scenario above – he liked me, was attracted to me, had sex with me in a moment of weakness, and when he considered the potential for damage, ran away rather than have a conversation. And even now he remains conflicted.
Although that scenario is more flattering to me, I am still left with the horrible knowledge that he doesn’t see me as worthy of respect. Yes, we had a PA that I am not proud of, either. And yes, I suspect his marriage is not as bad as mine (in addition to his marriage/family, reputation, he also would lose his job/business possibly, if our PA was discovered). (For the record, I didn’t want to lose my marriage, either: the PA was my way of staying with SO rather than leave, as that seems to be my only alternative). But I still don’t understand why he doesn’t treat me as a human being who has inherent value and should be respected. And yes, I know my moral compass was off (DrL’s words haunt me here) and maybe at some level I lost my self-respect but I defy ANYONE to live without being touched, desired, or admired by their SO for 9 years. It is inhumane.
But unless I want to blow up the family, I am stuck in a loveless, sexless “marriage” for the rest of my life.
Your advice is sound: our recent exchange was actually over WhatsApp: he sent me a message (in response to one of mine about work) with something like “sorry we didn’t get to catch up yesterday. Would love to connect generally and about [work]”. I guess he threw that “would love to connect” in as just empty BS words, as when I replied “yes would be good to connect. when would work for you?”, no response. And that was 10 days ago. I have not written since (and in the spirit of this blog entry, did not “use” Christmas as an excuse to be in contact – I would say in the last 6 months he has initiated about 80% of any WhatsApp conversations). And the next time he writes to me I plan to ignore it, even if it is a direct question. I will also take active steps to make sure he can’t sit next to me in meetings by getting to the meeting room first and not leaving any extra spaces either side of me (he has sat next to me a couple of times and asked “you sure this is ok?” when he knows full well that it would be extremely hostile/suspicious to the others if I asked him to move.) The last time we were in a meeting together, I said “excuse met back to you” when I had to turn my chair/body to face the stage and he actually said “Oh no, I like it!” in a flirty way. I am embarrassed to say that I got a thrill out of it on the inside, although I frowned at him in a “WTF?” way.
My task is to get to the point in the Indecisive LOs blog post where I see his indecisiveness and toxic treatment as a turn-off. I have a long list of his “cons” to go on but so far that has had minimal effect.
“I defy ANYONE to live without being touched, desired, or admired by their SO for 9 years.”
I have so much compassion for you on this! You did well to only have this LE after 9 years. I fell for my LO 3 MONTHS after my husband stopped touching me. So I can’t talk! Our human need for love and touch is hardwired.
One thing my feminist friends would point out, is that, as a woman, you are feeling more guilty over the PA than your male partner in the PA. Generally, women experience more “sexual regret” than men do after a casual hook up. Some think this is due to evolutionary psychology, other to cultural conditioning (which may be based on evolutionary psychology), but regardless, it is a common response among women to feel “used” after sex with someone who then doesn’t care. I’ve heard this even from friends who were in short relationships and broke up after having sex a few times. I mention this only to perhaps give you another perspective on why you might be feeling so awful after your LO’s treatment of you – it is a natural response, and not linked to your intrinsic worth. I think many women (myself included) would be hurt and offended by the behavior of your LO.
I really cannot help thinking this “inhumane” situation of yours is untenable. I know I shouldn’t say it, because it isn’t any of my business, but it is terrible for your mental and emotional state, and it can’t be good for your kid either. I found that whenever the relationship between my husband and I was going through a hard patch, my more sensitive kid would act out all the time; the minute we repaired, that kid calmed all the way down. It had less of an effect on my other children, but this sensitive one was like a canary in a coalmine. If my relationship with my husband was not fixable, this kid would have been better off with us ending it cleanly.
I do think you deserve happiness (and touch!) but you have to figure out how to do it in a way that is consistent with your inner values otherwise the cognitive dissonance will cause you great distress.
TP, I am so sorry for what you’re going through – and, for the record, it seems like you are handling a difficult situation very well!
I am in such a similar situation and can truly relate to everything you said — especially the part about feeling worthless because of how LO acted after the PA. I totally understand. No matter how much I read or talk to friends and know it’s not necessarily the case, I still feel that it is a judgment on me that LO backed off after we kissed. We are both married (maybe mine is unhappier than his), he came on very strong in the beginning, but has now kind of faded and is being intermittent and vague with contact, saying he still wants to meet up but then not following through. I feel gutted. I am thinking of reaching out one last time just for clarification, and then, if he doesn’t respond or confirms negative, then maybe I can work on getting my heart to finally move on. My kids keep saying, “Mommy, what’s wrong, why are you so distracted all the time??” 🥺
This is so freaking hard, especially in midlife. Sending you hugs! How are you doing now?
Hi TP,
Late to reply to this, but your comment was on my mind this week. If you haven’t seen already, I wrote a post with a “cloud level” perspective on the problem.
Wishing you a healthier and more hopeful new year.
Thank you, LimerentHeartache, for your kind words and thoughts. They say misery loves company, but I am sorry for what you are going through, too. I am hanging in there and trying to follow DrL’s advice in his New Year’s post (see main comment there) and wondering how the heck I devalue LO’s opinion of me (as not worthy of a mature conversation or apology for the way he handles things) and think better of myself.
I have tried a couple of times, always in response to veiled comments of his, to “seize” upon what apparently were throwaway comments about catching up, but he runs away (i.e., ignores). So now my task is to try to find closure alone. But your wish to “reach out one more time just for clarification” is shared by me, and when I say “shared”, I mean “screaming like a tortured goblin almost every second of my day”. Wish we could meet up for coffee and swap stories. Big hugs.
TP, I am in almost the exact situation as you are, short of the PA but the reciprocation is in the red zone. Depression hits me hard sometimes, when I feel like garbage and don’t see any way out. It’s a very dark place to be in. However hopeless it can seem, please remember it’s an illusion and not true. We are wonderful in supporting our family and raising our child. We bring to them what no one else could. As someone on this site once commented (my apologies that I can’t remember who), what we want is simply to be desired. It is such a modest ask, but in our situation, we can’t get it from SO, and any LO we bump into is by default blocked by barriers. We are doing a great job keeping our commitment to our SO and child, but in the process we lose sight of ourselves. Deep inside, it’s ourselves we are longing for, not any LO. I found what helped me was taking the time to care for myself (which is very hard), deliberately carve out my schedule to do something I enjoy and make it a higher priority (which is even harder) than my SO or child. It’s actually okay to do this as long as SO and child are not in immediate physical danger. This might be a taste of the purposeful living that I still struggle to grasp, but it feels like the right direction. Remember, we are already wonderful by ourselves and we deserve the best – those who make us trapped and suffer are garbage, not us.
“Deep inside, it’s ourselves we are longing for, not any LO.”
Beautifully put, Emma! I am coming to that conclusion too.
Thank you, Emma. I am afraid that I struggle so much with parenting, especially the last 6 months when the LE turned to serious heartbreak and deep depression, that I often wonder if my son would be better off without me, with someone else to mother him. And although I do take self-care actions as you wisely describe (walks, healthy food, baths, friends) it is hard to know how to care for myself in the way that I need – apart from a very brief encounter with LO six months ago, I have not been touched in an intimate way for almost 9 years (and my sex life with LO in the two years before that was very unsatisfying and rare). How does one replace that? It seems that if I am to stay with SO, and not fall into another PA, I must reconcile myself to never be touched, admired, desired ever again. That part of my life is over forever.
Sorry, I should have said “my sex life with SO in the two years before that…” Oh boy that’s a serious limerent/freudian slip right there…
“ I often wonder if my son would be better off without me,”
No he wouldn’t. That is the depression talking and it’s a lie. Hang in there.
After a lot of reading and thinking, I realised LE was almost impossible in my case.
I was/am grieving the unexpected loss of my dad, bad news that my mum is sick, stress at work with reorganisation insecurity etc , all within a few months and on top of that, 20+ with my SO, who I feel doesn’t want me or love me.
I got a little attention and nice words from LO and boom! hooked. Being with the LO felt simply so good, I also came to realise that some was on purpose, the LO may have some narcissistic traits, likes to be center of attention, talks and talks and talks about herself, and probably realised I was deep bottom, my insecurities and gave me that attention I needed and then suddenly took it away, avoided me, ignored me.. to show up on my social media as soon as I start ignoring her. Then she gets my attention again and drops me again. I fear this way she gets her supply and I am just a game about having control to her. She knew she had hooked me and she would hurt me, which would make LE even worse.
I still don’t know how to stop it and how to start thinking about other things, but it helps to know the reasons and that I need some self-love and to work on myself and then on us with my SO.
I felt when I was in the depths of my LE despair/depression, the only thing that worked for me was the basics – get out in nature, eat healthy foods, stop drinking, yoga, feel all the feelings, cry, stay away from negative people, don’t listen to gossip, the news, or read anything that dragged me down. I went walking on the beach when I could and sat with the lonely feelings, meditated, started to observe people, places and animals, tried to be more present when I spoke to anyone (especially my partner and kids) and present in my work!
Each day was a very slow progress – little by little, bit by bit the thoughts started to wain and get replaced with other thoughts. Everyone now and again I drift back but without the longing or heartbreak – reading spiritual and philosophical books has been a game changer for me and gives me so much pleasure each day, ending my day snuggled in bed with my book. Look for things that comfort you TP – baths, cups of tea, chatting and hugging your friends, sending love to those that you know will return it to you, cuddling a pet, try organising a date night with your partner (get a babysitter) as you have probably forgotten how to be a couple without your child around, maybe you may need to make the effort in hope he sees the attention you are giving him and then wants to return it? Our SO can be like mirrors – if we pull away, they pull away and vice versa.
Take each day by day and bloody love yourself hard – dig deep for the beautiful strengths that you have, and I am sure you have plenty. Big hugs to you xx
Thank you so much, Workinprogress. Your words and advice are so kind. I keep saying to myself that I need to start meditation/mindfulness practice, so maybe this is my prompt as it sounds like it has been helpful to you.
Christmas and limerence? Hm. My first piece of practical advice to limerents is to stay away from those feel-good Christmas movies. The makers of these movies always seem to sneak in a subtle or not-so-subtle romantic subplot or three. And such subplots might be triggering to people struggling with loneliness. 😉
I love the idea of rebirth as a theme!! The Aussie Christmas falls in the middle of summer, however. Might have to tweak the nature imagery a little bit as I write my personal myth of transcendence… 😆
Am very surprised and moved to learn how many people link Christmas with sadness and not joy. Who knew Christmas brings out something melancholic in the human heart? I suppose holidays encourage introspection. However, I don’t think all introspection is bad. I think it just has to be the right kind of introspection. (Maybe more focus on the future and less on the past?)
Had an interesting brainwave today. I don’t know where to put it, so I’ll stick it here. This might take some of the romantic gloss off limerence for informants. Okay. Here goes. It occurred to me that there is at least one excellent evolutionary reason, aside from pair-bonding, why limerence exists. And I think this reason is limerence helps people override their perfectly natural and normal feelings of disgust and/or squeamishness about sexuality.
I don’t want to go into any details or share anything inappropriate. I just want to make a purely intellectual point. People may think sex in people’s minds is “disgusting”, for want of a better word, because of religion or social customs. However, I think sex is “disgusting” in people’s minds at times purely because bodies are involved and bodies are pretty messy things. These are strange sights, smells, sounds, etc, etc. I’m sure everybody gets the general idea…
Here’s my brilliant (or possibly perfectly mundane) insight: limerence may undermine or even completely sweep away many of those quite normal disgust-filled/squeamish responses to the human body and hence make human beings much more willing to engage in sexual activity than they otherwise would.
My epiphany comes after realising how indifferent I am toward physical contact of an intimate nature when I’m not in an active state of limerence!! 😉