What makes a good romantic partner? February 18, 2023 By Dr L 4 Comments Life has really happened to me this week, so in lieu of the next post on purposeful living, here’s a video that is cheering and optimistic about how to find love: Enjoy!
Hm, that’s an interesting video. So women are basically looking for tall guys and men are basically looking for women who are young and attractive? These criteria might explain why certain people in social groups are “popular”, if nothing else… (Who are all the boys and girls everyone likes in high school?) 🤔
Personally, I think Western dating culture puts too much emphasis on chemistry and not enough emphasis on compatibility. Chemistry is great, but only great for short-term relationships. A successful long-term relationship must be built on the solid foundation of compatibility. I think maybe courting couples should iron out all the compatibility issues first and then work backwards towards chemistry! 😉
Limerence is all about chemistry, chemistry, chemistry. The problem in limerence is not too little chemistry between people, but too much chemistry between people. All that glorious chemistry can get out of control! It doesn’t even have to be real chemistry. It can be desired chemistry or imagined chemistry. But, in most cases, I think there is probably some real chemistry going on between limerent and LO. Assigning too much weight to this chemistry, however, is dangerous… 🤔
I was amused to read an online review of one of Dr. L’s books and someone was ranting about how limerence has never been proven to exist, limerents are just people with emotional problems, etc. Based on personal experience, I can say limerence very much DOES exist, and it is as perplexing to the people who experience it as the people who don’t experience it…
In hindsight, limerence seems to be triggered by intense sustained eye contact coupled with early-but-ultimately-insincere emotional enmeshment on the part of the LO. The person giving the eye contact and engaging in enmeshing behaviours doesn’t want a serious bond with the person he/she is signalling.
I think some human beings may intentionally misled others in a romantic sense, because they just like the ego boost. However, I also think some human beings misled others naively or unintentionally. For example, there are some very attractive people out there who exude this faint sexual energy at all times, maybe even to everyone they meet, irrespective of gender, and of course it’s very easy for others to misinterpret this faint sexual energy as authentic sexual interest.
I was in a cafe the other day, for instance. Not the cafe when my barista friend works, but a different cafe. I was sitting on a stool and peering through the window when this absolutely gorgeous woman showed up. Not only was this woman stunning (and immaculately dressed!), she was also exuding a powerful sexual energy. I mean, I could sense her “energy” from two metres away, and through a glass pane, and I don’t even like women that way. It was as if the air all around this beautiful creature was electrified. She was attractive and she knew she was attractive. She had a highly seductive aura of glamour about her.
Now think about it: if Madam could have such an effect on me, a gay man, can you only imagine the kind of effect she routinely has on straight men? I very soon found out the kind of effect this woman has on straight men. The chef, a young straight man and a very good friend of mine, came out of the kitchen with my breakfast. He grinned at me sheepishly: “Oh sorry, mate. I forgot your cluttery. I was distracted by a … tattoo.”
(The attractive woman had been standing behind me waiting for her takeaway coffee when the chef saw her in passing. The offending tattoo was located somewhere on her body. Thankfully, my chef friend only made his admission of distraction after the lady had left and was no longer in earshot). 😆
Limerent Emeritus says
Clip of the Day https://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty/1982/11/09
“In hindsight, limerence seems to be triggered by intense sustained eye contact coupled with early-but-ultimately-insincere emotional enmeshment on the part of the LO.”
I’m not sure if this is true of all glimmers that lead to limerence but this is very very very true of my glimmer. It was the eye contact that got me and to this moment a year later, no one looks at me still quite like LO does. It confuses me so much.
“However, I also think some human beings misled others naively or unintentionally.”
I also believe this about my LO. When I disclosed she was shocked because she did not perceive herself doing anything that led me to have romantic feelings for her. Truth is, she gave off a ton of cues of attraction, some passive, some active but they were all unintentional and naively done on her part.
One of the difficulties with my LO and one of the reasons she would make a difficult long term partner is her communication patterns. She is a poor communicator and I know about myself that I need a good communicator. My college girlfriend was a poor communicator and we had turmoil. My wife is an excellent communicator and it is one of the reasons we have been successful for 22+ years.
For me it is loyalty and intimacy. And I don’t mean just sex, all kinds of intimacy. Physical touch is only one form of intimacy. Also happens to be my love language by a landslide. It’s the one thing I have disciplined myself to be the one thing that I have with my wife and no other woman. Let’s just say limerence is teaching me a lesson I wasn’t prepared for.
But as far as loyalty goes I am struggling with that right now too. In the aftermath of my LO moving out of my life but me still being limerent I think my wife might be thinking there was/is something more to it. If she thinks I am not loyal that makes the guilt of not only why I see the glimmer in LO but also of the other feelings I have for a woman that isn’t my wife.
I am trying to be a good partner. We didn’t have the best foundation when we got married. Truth be told I think we were both just lonely. We rushed into getting married. Within 6 months from the first time I met her online until the day were standing in a court house getting married. I think this marriage can make it through this limerence. But it definitely is going to bear some scars we didn’t have before. And I do worry about future limerence if I can’t fix why I saw the glimmer in LO to begin with.
I think to be a good partner you also have to be honest. And this is something I really have to work on here lately. And the limerent lesson is what I am learning now. I’m not saying lying to my wife directly. But by admission. I been trying very hard not to hurt over the years and so I have kept a lot of things and feelings to myself even if it hurts me to do so out of respect for her feelings. But as I am finding out, it catches up with you. Some way or another and in this way I am getting taught a lesson of honest communication via limerence. I just hope I get out of this lesson alive and still a husband.
“Now think about it: if Madam could have such an effect on me, a gay man, can you only imagine the kind of effect she routinely has on straight men?”
LO was tomboy and didn’t always dress feminine to the “nines”. But she a very attractive woman. Even the other women in the office was tease about how attractive she was. I didn’t seem like she directly flirted with me but I think she at least knew she could grab my attention. And maybe used that to her benefit, since I was never able to tell her no.
But all the same Sammy I’ve had well dressed and well groomed men catch my attention too. Some people just have that aura around them that is just exuding confidence. And LO had that in spades with a lot of other powers. Reminds me of the American song …
“You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
Magic, and you know
You’re the one who can put out the fire
You know darn well
When you cast your spell you will get your way
When you hypnotize with your eyes
A heart of stone can turn to clay”