Today’s case study comes from Rachel, who is happily married, but suffering from unrelenting limerence. The quick summary of her situation is that she had a hunch that a colleague of her husband was romantically interested in her, and that triggered an unexpected and exhausting bout of limerence.
The glimmer hit at a work party, where this colleague (who is single) was chatting with Rachel and her husband. It happened quite suddenly:
I noticed he was looking at me intensely and thought to myself “ I think he likes me”. Later, he was with the group of guys, as I walked over to join them, I noticed that he had turned toward me and looked me straight in the eyes. Our eyes locked, he did not look away. That instant, he became my LO.
What followed was a tumultuous time for Rachel. She rode the limerent wave for a month of euphoria, connected with her LO on social media, and revelled in the reinforcement and the excitement of her fantasy. Good while it lasted, perhaps, but with inescapable momentum the limerence progressed, soured, and then she began to doubt her marriage, her future and her decisions. That led to a low point, and a moment of decision:
I became profoundly sad, realizing how much SO really meant to me. I committed myself to SO and my marriage.
Now, nearly a year later, Rachel remains committed, but somehow cannot escape the gravitational pull of LO. She has not disclosed her feelings to anyone, and so her husband continues to interact with LO as a colleague and friend – making total no contact impractical. While intellectually determined, Rachel finds herself unable to escape the limerence.
The problem is the relentless limerence. These constant thoughts about LO that won’t go away. I tried to make LO a villain, envision terrible outcomes with LO, forced myself to abort any reverie, psychoanalyzed myself but to no avail.
So, that brings us to the ultimate problem: when the mental tactics of devaluing LO do not seem to work, and you occasionally hear about them through causal contact, how do you free yourself fully?
1. Tactics need a strategy
Using deprogramming methods to break the association between LO and reward can be very powerful, but there are some limits to their effectiveness. Rachel has tried this approach “to no avail”, but I suspect what this means is “I tried them, but am still limerent for him”. It might seem a quibble, but in her correspondence she talks about LO in a largely negative light, rather than as a dream partner, alternate life, or even an object of desire. That suggests that she is already a long way towards the recovery mindset, where LO is a problem to solve rather than a source of secret pleasure.
To be most effective, deprogramming tactics need to be part of a larger strategy. Limerence is a life-shock and you need a coordinated plan to recover from it. Aversion tactics like devaluation, ruining happy memories, etc. accelerate the process of overwriting the old reward training, but the overall strategy needs to involve understanding and disrupting the old routines and vulnerabilities that made you limerent, and building towards a new purposeful life that is more rewarding in itself and therefore saps the power from limerence as an emotional escape.
It’s a step by step process that involves understanding yourself, limiting contact, reversing the programming, and looking forward to a future of freedom. The tactics will help moment by moment, but need to be part of a larger plan.
2. Figure out what LO represents to you
A striking aspect of Rachel’s limerence experience is that it all started with a look. She had known LO a little before without being interested, but she started the spiral towards internal overwhelm immediately after getting the vibe that he was attracted to her. Apart from social media likes, there does not seem to have been much contact between Rachel and LO, or much opportunity to build intimacy, get to know each other at a personal level, or even flirt. That factor also robs the devaluation tactic of power, as there isn’t much real experience to work with.
The lack of genuine connection also suggests that the psychological vulnerability for Rachel was all internal. One of the maxims of LwL is that “limerence is happening in your head”. That principle is complicated somewhat if LO is predatory, or offers escape from an unhappy life, or if the limerent is single and actively seeking love, but in this case, it seems that LO (through a hint of interest) triggered something deep in Rachel about the desire to be desired.
An LO in this sort of scenario is not attractive for who they actually are, but for what they represent. We could speculate about a few common possibilities – midlife, fear of fading beauty, desire for romantic novelty – but ultimately only Rachel will be able to figure out what the real deep roots of the infatuation are.
An advantage of this situation is that, in principle, the “avatar” that LO represents can be uncoupled from the individual person that has triggered the glimmer. It won’t eliminate the hidden desire, but it makes it easier to mentally detach it from the specific person who happened to ignite it.
3. Resistance is admirable
Early limerence comes with astonishing highs. Unfortunately, they are matched by equally astonishing lows when it turns to person addiction. Once in that trap, the process of letting go of hope, grinding through the withdrawal pains, and weathering the intrusive thoughts, is debilitating. It can also be slow – especially if LO cannot be avoided altogether.
The pain of emotional loss is the cost of limerence, the flipside of the coin from the highs. That’s demoralising, especially as your limerent mind will be tempting you with the promise of ecstasy if you’d only seek more LO contact, but there is a simple way to resist: do not take action when you feel the craving. That is enough. If you set your mind to recovery, let the waves of limerence hit you and roll off, and stubbornly refuse to give in, the waters will calm eventually.
Bearing a burden has nobility. Resolving to recover doesn’t mean the pain of loss vanishes, it just means you reconcile yourself to labouring through it.
Take pride in your ability to resist and endure.
4. Look beyond the trials
You will get through this. There will come a time when you look back on this period of life and wonder wistfully “why did I lose my mind over that guy after so small a trigger?”
You want to be looking back from a position of happiness, glad that you passed through the limerence trial and emerged stronger. The hero emerging from the underworld having gained more wisdom and self-knowledge.
It does some good to visualise that future you now in the present, while you are still labouring to escape. She has your best interests at heart, is willing you on, and has overcome the monster (which was really an overlooked part of her all along). Imagine yourself as her. Know that is your future, and mentally begin the process of reaching forward in time to become her.
Having a positive vision of the future to work towards is an essential complement to the negative mental tricks of deprogramming the reward circuits. You have to have a reason to feel good about the effort needed to free yourself.
Dr L;
Thank you for the excellent case study. It crystallizes out that limerence is all about the limerent and not the LO. We falsley focus all of our mental capacity on LO , when in fact, we should redirect ourselves into introspection.
I will evaluate what that means for me “ the desire to be desired” and that it is not LO itself but what he represents that drives the limerence .
In this respect, it appears that limerence may be more an internal psychological crisis rather than a incredible attraction and pair bonding.
Are there 2 types of limerences? 🤔
I think there are many types and shades of limerence, Rachel.
In two cases where I now realise that women were once limerent for me, I had no clue beyond thinking I had a nice new friend and later that maybe there was some sort of crush. I was limerent myself some years ago for a guy I met professionally, who did not reciprocate, and the pain faded after a couple of months or so. For cases like that I would agree that “limerence is all about the limerent and not the LO.”
My “current” LE is altogether different and more complicated because, despite barriers and a massive age gap, it was mutual. I did not realise what was happening until it was too late. I think in that sort of case the pain of rejection and realising that you have to let go can be deeper, much deeper.
From the people Ive met here I think that mutual limerence is so rare that it might as well be a winning lottery ticket. And even that aside Ive read accounts of mutual limerence between two already married people. Its a curse if you ask me. Maybe a few good things came out of my limerence but the price …. I paid highly for. Today is one year since Ive seen her. I dunno if there is enough vodka and sad love songs in the world to get me through this day.
Who Am I To Stand In Your Way — Chester See
https://youtu.be/P1-VaE7uGJg
Adam, there isn’t enough vodka and sad love songs to get you through the day. Those things will feed your misery. Do something different. Do something good.
I have things to do this morning; running to the bank, grocery shopping and get momma some cigarettes so I gotta leave the vodka alone for awhile. I will try Miss Lovisa but I cant make promises. You amaze me that you still put effort into me. Im lucky to have you as a friend and I appreciate your concern. I think if I can get through this day I can get better. I told momma to monitor my phone use so I dont make a bad decision. NC still.
Lovisa, you are an Angel..
Awwww, thanks Mj.
Adam, sorry you’re hurting today. But I feel your pain Bro.
If it helps, I saw my LO yesterday, but it didn’t go so well. At least you and LO left on good terms. All perspective I suppose.. I blogged about it in Coffehouse if you want to read it.
I’m at work today and Vodka sounds real good right about now. Either that or Hennessey. Don’t really care..
Be good to yourself today Friend. Maybe we’ll catch up later..
I’m very sorry you’re having a bad day, Adam. It’s odd how dates and anniversaries can be important and distressing. In reality they are just another day, of course, but they can trigger our memories.
I say this because I can feel the same about dates sometimes despite having deleted all photos and messages months ago now. Five months of ghosted NC have passed now although it feels like five minutes.
It’s good you have had some things to do because I was going to say what Lovisa said, but less eloquently. The reason I was going to do that is because, as once happened a while ago, we seem to have coincided. Last night I drank too much red wine after a few days’ abstinence. It has done me no good at all.
Music is interesting. I usually gloss over the music posts here because I think I would find the songs depressing. There seem to be several people who, like you, find them helpful though.
Take care of yourself.
Frederico, I’m so proud of you for deleting everything. That is awesome! I’m not that strong, yet.
MJ
Love me some brandy or cognac. Its the two liquors I voluntarily drink straight. Although sometimes I like to mix them with Coke. Im doing okay. Distracting myself with talking to my boys about video games and my wife about movies. Trying to distract my mind from this day. Much to Miss Lovisa’s demise I am three sheets to the wind, but I got my errands ran and I can settle in at home. Going to play some Breath of the Wild as it is a nice calming game and can keep me distracted.
frederico
Red wine? Love me some red wine here and there. Merlot is probably my favorite. Though I like a lot of blended reds from various wineries. Very much like sake if you have never had it. I especially like it warm rather than room temperature or chilled.
Music is my bane more than alcohol. So many songs make me feel conflicted between LO and my wife. I hear one song and it reminds me of LO and the next reminds me of my wife. And then there is those crippling ones that remind me of both of them. Can I really love two women at the same time?
Beautiful song 🥰🥲thanks for sharing
Song of the Blog: “Just One Look” – Lulu (1965)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCKslkUD-BY
There are other covers of this song but this is my favorite.
“An LO in this sort of scenario is not attractive for who they actually are, but for what they represent.” – DrL
That can take some heavy introspection, maybe even professional help depending on what emerges, how deep it goes, and whether you want to pursue it. There has to be a reason. The danger here is leakage.
“In this respect, it appears that limerence may be more an internal psychological crisis rather than a incredible attraction and pair bonding.”
Have you read:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/ ?
https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-causes-limerence/ – Interestingly, there are no comments to this blog.
Outside of Doris Troy, Anne Murray is my favorite cover of this song. But Im an unapologetic Anne Murray fan. Her voice is so beautiful.
I never knew Lulu covered it. But I think the only song of hers I know is To Sir With Love
Just One Look — Anne Murray
https://youtu.be/iVAlk4_IHY4
I’d never heard Anne Murray’s cover before.
Another LwL poster, Sopie, liked The Hollies cover. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwFsN8YookQ
The only reason I learned of Lulu’s cover is my father worked for Ampex. We had a reel-to-reel tape recorder. He’d get free tapes. He brought home
“England’s Greatest Hitmakers.” https://www.45worlds.com/vinyl/album/ll3430
IMO, there were only 2 decent songs on it. Lulu’s and Unit Four Plus Two’ “Woman From Liberia.”
Rachel’s case seems to involve some potent eye contact (the glimmer) and then fantasy i.e. no real relationship or social interactions with LO.
Nonetheless, I guess Rachel’s unconscious mind has projected something onto LO and she needs to work out what those fantasy projections are so she can “reclaim” them for herself if she doesn’t want them continually projected onto other humans she may encounter. Maybe Rachel is projecting some part of herself onto her LO? I.e. some part of her own personality she’d like to develop?
If Rachel is in the altered state of limerence, then I guess her brain is telling her: “Chase this person/ruminate on this person and I’ll reward you with ecstasy. Lots and lots of ecstasy.” It’s a bit hard to say no to what sounds like free ecstasy from one’s own brain! But, of course, as we all know, one pays for the highs with the lows, so there’s no such thing as “free ecstasy”. Everything comes with a price.
In answer to Rachel’s question, “Are there 2 types of limerence?”, I’m going to say technically yes. There are two types of limerence – fruitless limerence and fruitful limerence. Fruitless limerence is when the feelings are unrequited or undisclosed, and the whole thing drags on too long, and everything sours. A bit like something that’s been left cooking on the stove too long. Fruitful limerence, on the other hand, happens between two people who are both available and ready for a relationship and they don’t delay too much in deciding to get together.
It seems like timing is everything in limerence. Get the initial timing right and obsession (full-blown person addiction) is much less likely to take root. 🤔
Fruitless limerence. The story of my life and why I’m here.
Terrible. Just terrible..
“Fruitless limerence.”
@MJ.
Dr. L did an early blog post on the topic, so I can’t take credit for the idea.
Thanks Sammy..
“Thanks Sammy..”
@MJ.
All good. 😛
This LE situation appears to be very similar to my LE, in that there is eye contact fueling the fire, while no real relationship exists. Speaking from experience, this is my first LE episode that I think really counts because of how massive it feels on my emotions.
It is also the first experience in which the eye contact between LO and myself was misinterpreted. In other words, it apparently was all for nothing. Because any approach I made to LO was met with indifference. And we never really hit it off. Could be because she worked in the office and I worked on the floor. Could be because she’s currently with someone. Could be because she doesn’t feel the same. Could be because she reads me like I’m a creep. Either way, nothing ever happened. Which has led me into some serious depression and even suicidal ideation.
Any positive relationship I’ve ever had in the past may have had hints of limerence in them, but they all began with eye contact. So to get a blow like this from Precious LO has been very hard on me emotionally.
I also believe it’s that unconscious mind of mine (or altered state) that projected my feelings on to LO. Because she picked up from my vibe early on, but never wanted to move forward with it. Perhaps she enjoyed the chase, but decided I wasn’t worth it. Maybe it was because I was too shy to talk to her. As she may need/want a more confident Man. Either way, the whole thing dragged on, nothing really happened and went sour.
I advise Rachel and anyone reading this, that if your situation is similar in nature and you go on doing nothing in your efforts to reach LO, you will only cause yourself greater emotional turmoil for the long haul. Please do something to help yourself. Ask the LO if they are interested and if they’re not, move on to the next person. It may be hard, which is I have yet to heed my own advice but I’m not the brightest bulb in the box anyway. I’m just passing this info on to help the next person so they don’t suffer and get depressed like I am. I really wouldn’t wish this s*%t on anybody.
I’m going on 1 full year of my LE. Just yesterday got a dick move from LO, because she thought she could. I’m still trying to figure out where I went wrong. Makes me so sad because she looked so freaking amazing too when I saw her. She still glimmers for me, like she always did, which is why I can’t quit her. Its the most ridiculous crush ever. I never thought it could get like this.
“It is also the first experience in which the eye contact between LO and myself was misinterpreted. In other words, it apparently was all for nothing. Because any approach I made to LO was met with indifference. And we never really hit it off … Either way, nothing ever happened. Which has led me into some serious depression and even suicidal ideation.”
@MJ.
I am sorry to hear you have struggled with depression and even suicidal ideation as a by-product of your limerence. I mean, I understand where you’re coming from, and not judging you at all, because I’ve been through similar things as a fellow limerent. However, there is also something just a little bit disturbing (to non-limerent people certainly) about the depths of pain that limerents sink to where the feelings are unrequited…
I think “relentless limerence” is a good sign that the limerence in question is fruitless limerence, even if the limerent doesn’t want the LO and has made no attempt whatsoever to pursue the LO. This infatuation, in other words, has taken on a life of its own inside the brain of the limerent.
“It may be hard, which is I have yet to heed my own advice but I’m not the brightest bulb in the box anyway. I’m just passing this info on to help the next person so they don’t suffer and get depressed like I am. I really wouldn’t wish this s*%t on anybody.”
I think it’s good for people to know that limerence can lead to a great deal of personal suffering, and what steps might be taken to prevent it from happening again if such suffering is undesired.
I think serial limerents may benefit from the realisation that maybe a different approach to romantic love might be in order? Maybe try the less-serious, less-intense approach favoured by non-limerents? Maybe limerents have something important to learn from non-limerents?
“Makes me so sad because she looked so freaking amazing too when I saw her. She still glimmers for me, like she always did, which is why I can’t quit her. Its the most ridiculous crush ever. I never thought it could get like this.”
Yes, the feelings of attraction to LO will be very powerful. And the LO’s beauty will seem matchless, peerless, beyond comparison, for as long as the LE endures.
I wonder if many limerents were highly-anxious children who never learnt to identify or manage their anxiety as children and therefore grew into high-anxious adults? I think maybe parents and teachers in the lives of the young limerent never recognised that: “Hey, this quiet and ridiculously well-behaved kid suffers from anxiety and this is what we can or can’t do to help with those anxiety issues.”
I think limerence is at least in part driven by anxiety. But the anxiety masquerades as sexual attraction, and a host of other feelings. The limerent really wants to feel better in general. I think parents and teachers are often too overworked to help shy/sensitive kids deal with emotions.
Sammy, I would challenge this and say it isn’t a by product of anxiety (albeit it could be an underlying factor just like depression can be) but good ole’ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the Pure O type. As a clinician myself, I recognize the symptoms in others quite easily. To boot, I also struggle with OCD.
Natasha, will you read this comment from Emily?
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-for-a-co-worker/#comment-42172
When I read it, I suspected that her husband’s OCD is out of control, but I am not a professional in the mental health field. I just happen to have the diagnosis and when I’m stressed, my perfectly organized, squeaky clean house shows it. But I know it’s hard on my family and I try really hard to ease up and let things slide as much as possible. It sounds like her SO is not in a good place right now, maybe never. Emily is suffering and I suspect her kids are suffering, too. It is heartbreaking. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Sammy,
““Are there 2 types of limerence?”, I’m going to say technically yes. There are two types of limerence – fruitless limerence and fruitful limerence. ”
Also probably mutal limerence and non-mutual limerence. Maybe a subset of fruitful limerence. Mutual limerence is very, very rare. Two people feeling the same intensity. Jump over the cliff, balls-to-the-wall type feelings. Much more common is non-mutal limerence. One person is limerent; the other is interested but not as much.
“Also probably mutal limerence and non-mutual limerence. Maybe a subset of fruitful limerence. Mutual limerence is very, very rare. Two people feeling the same intensity. Jump over the cliff, balls-to-the-wall type feelings.”
@Marcia.
Yup, that’s probably a much better way of putting it. That’s a lot clearer than what I said and makes more sense. Mutual limerence and one-sided limerence.
I agree with you that mutual limerence must be very rare, almost non-existent, because so many different variables must line up in perfect alignment for that to happen. And when it does happen, the results aren’t always joyous – if Romeo and Juliet is any guide. I mean, Romeo and Juliet’s love story is a tragedy…
“Much more common is non-mutal limerence. One person is limerent; the other is interested but not as much.”
I think this would describe many relationships and many modern marriages actually. Until the couple in question can get over the disparity in feelings, these unions are likely to be fraught with conflict and misunderstandings. I think the limerent has to exit the “altered state” somehow for the affectionate bonding process to commence. 🤔
If someone developed limerence for me, and we were free to date, I think I would honestly struggle with the other person wanted to spend every minute of the day with me. You know what I mean? I would be happy to be with the person, and not want to be with anyone else. Monogamy wouldn’t be a problem. But I would find it difficult to accept that the other person wants to “drink in so much of my essence”, if that makes sense. 😉
Hi Sammy,
“I agree with you that mutual limerence must be very rare, almost non-existent, because so many different variables must line up in perfect alignment for that to happen. And when it does happen, the results aren’t always joyous – if Romeo and Juliet is any guide. I mean, Romeo and Juliet’s love story is a tragedy…”
I was trying to think of good examples of mutual limerence in literature. All I could come up with was Anna Karenina … another mutual-limerence disaster! I’ll have to ponder that. Even in movies and films, it’s usually one person being really interested and the other taking a while to catch up. Or both realizing at the end how great they are for each other. Or a TV show of an endless, will-they-or-won’t-they … and when they finally do and have an epic sexual throwdown … the show falls apart. Moonlighting comes to mind.
“I think this would describe many relationships and many modern marriages actually. Until the couple in question can get over the disparity in feelings, these unions are likely to be fraught with conflict and misunderstandings.”
I don’t know if I agree with that. I think one person may be red-hot ready and the other interested but not as much in the beginning, and then the second catches up with their feelings and falls in love. Or maybe it’s limerent who is chased by someone they aren’t limerent for and falls in love.
Now, this site being for limerents … 🙂 … you can have the limerent from the last scenario still hung up on someone they were limerent for … and it’s wasn’t mutal or fruitful (or it was fruitful for a time, but ended). And they have trouble appreciating the person who does want them. Or they become limerent for someone else later on in the marriage; they were never limerent for their SO. Is the theme here that limerents should be avoided as long-term, romantic partners? 🙂
” I think the limerent has to exit the “altered state” somehow for the affectionate bonding process to commence. 🤔”
Yes, agree. You can’t really bond when you’re in the limerent phase. You’re too much into the Crazy. 🙂
“If someone developed limerence for me, and we were free to date, I think I would honestly struggle with the other person wanted to spend every minute of the day with me. You know what I mean?”
I don’t think I’d want to spend every of minute of the day with an LO. I don’t think I could have. Not at the height of the LE. I was so overly stimulated around him, so hyper, so high, so struggling to make conversation and not bore him … after an hour of that, I needed a nap! 🙂
“But I would find it difficult to accept that the other person wants to “drink in so much of my essence”, if that makes sense. 😉”
Yes, I know what you mean. I wonder if I gave off that vibe of desperately trying to please and win him over. It’s not attractive and usually repels the other person.
I loved “Moonlighting!”
I told LO #2 that I wanted to be Remington Steele. She told me that I couldn’t pull off Remington Steele but that I was the quintessential David Addison. I told her that I wanted to be “Killer.” She said I could never be killer but I could be “irresistibly cute.” She said that there was nothing wrong with cute.
Clip of the Day: I Am Curious Maddie” – March 31, 1987
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORarKBSplwI
The episode came out about a month after we officially broke up. At around the 7:30 mark, this conversation becomes eerily prophetic. Except, LO #2 is in my living room.
In early April LO #2 came on to me less than 5 minutes after learning I was seeing another woman. Just as we were about to hit the floor, she came out with “If I sleep with you now, you’ll own me again.”
And, just like that, POOF! the mood was gone.
I mean, they have white-hot chemistry but it will be a disaster long-term. Like day-to-day, pass-me-the-butter-for-my-toast long-term. They have too little in common. They’re totally different people. That’s usually the way it works. It’s some kind of bitch slap from the Universe. 🙂
It’s a joke from comedian Amy Schumer. You can’t go back to hottest-sex-of-your-life guy. He’s in prison. 🙂
Marcia,
“It’s a joke from comedian Amy Schumer. You can’t go back to hottest-sex-of-your-life guy. He’s in prison. 🙂”
It makes you wonder if the intensity of some of these experiences is because you know on some level that the person is an unsuitable candidate for an LTR which allows you to bypass your filters/boundaries and just go for it. The love-bombing SIL of a coworker I spent a week with comes to mind. Sometimes you get away with it, sometimes you don’t.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-allure-of-bad-boys-and-girls/
LE,
“It makes you wonder if the intensity of some of these experiences is because you know on some level that the person is an unsuitable candidate for an LTR which allows you to bypass your filters/boundaries and just go for it. ”
Well, you only filter for one thing: Am I turned on? You aren’t filtering for all the other stuff: compatibility, character, shared values, do I like them? 🙂
I think there’s also an element of a time crunch, and you know it. So it’s with an unsuitable person and you have to get it in now before the person takes off … which makes it really hot.
@Marcia.
So many things we could talk about…
I think true limerence is fairly rare, regardless of whether it’s mutual or one-sided, although Tennov apparently proposed a 1-in-3 people figure. (I guess the 5% crowd are just the stragglers who get stuck in a rut that lasts longer than 3 years? The 5% crowd must be the people who need extra help digging themselves out of their LEs?)
I suspect that some people may think they’re in limerence when they aren’t. I think I’ve only had one genuine LO, but quite a few crushes.
LwL helped me see I’ve been gleefully over-diagnosing myself! 😉
Upon reflection, I’ve only had one guy completely capture my imagination. It happened when I was quite young, and just stayed with me my whole life. I think, in terms of behaviour, he was only interested in females. However, I think he was subliminally AWARE that his looks appealed to both males and females, and he enjoyed the steady stream of validation that flowed his way as a result.
I don’t believe all limerents are bisexual. (That’s an idea I’ve heard proposed elsewhere). However, I DO think all LOs are bisexual on a symbolic level. That is to say, I think all LOs have a bisexual appeal and this bisexual appeal is the secret to their charisma. By “bisexual appeal”, I merely mean a pleasing combination of masculine and feminine characteristics – both in terms of appearance and in terms of personality. However, I may be projecting my own tastes here.
Yes, I’ve only met a single fellow who could pull off that oh-so-delicate dance between “nice” and “neutral”, without straying too far in either direction. It’s quite a tightrope to walk, isn’t it? Most straight men can’t pull it off and most gay men can’t pull it off either. LOs, in other words, do possess personalities outside of the norm.
My LO was never nasty to me. I wonder if “never being nasty” is relevant somehow to my fascination and subsequent addiction? If he was unpleasant to me in any way, I would have walked away immediately. The illusion would have been shattered. It was probably his frequent neutrality toward me that confused me.
He had amazingly seductive eyes, but I don’t think he was sending me messages with those eyes. Actually, I’ve seen video footage of him, and he has the same seductive eyes in front of a non-human audience (a camera). So I think his eyes are “seductive” all the time. It’s just a genetic trait he has, and he should probably work in film. Such striking eyes would be an asset in leading man roles, no? 😆
Still, even though this guy’s “seductive eyes” didn’t mean a thing, I still enjoyed him looking at me. And my imagination found it very satisfying too. I guess the eye contact suggested a special emotional connection already existed between us in embryonic form? I’m not saying he hypnotised me; I think I hypnotised myself. Auto-hypnosis. Self-suggestion. “Wouldn’t it be great … if we were close.”
As an older man looking back, I see a lot of similarities between myself and my LO. Since he was male, I’m not really comfortable calling him my “anima”. Also, I don’t want to call him my “animus”. (Camille Paglia is adamant in her writings that “Man is no Muse!”). The fairer sex apparently has a monopoly of being inspirational superstars. (Camille likes women herself). Consequently, I think of my LO as my “id”. I don’t know if I’m using the word “id” correctly. But, to me, my LO represents all the naughty, repressed things in my personality that I needed to re-integrate in order to be whole.
“Is the theme here that limerents should be avoided as long-term, romantic partners? 🙂”
I don’t know. I think that’s a fabulous question, though. The conclusion I would draw is that maybe limerence is personal? I.e. maybe limerents should learn to see limerence as something intensely personal that we do for ourselves, and we shouldn’t try to convert it into the hard currency of a real-life relationship?
I don’t think limerents need to be avoided as romantic partners. However, I do think limerents need to admit that limerent fantasies can almost create an impenetrable glass wall between self and other. I feel that limerents aren’t very good at understanding other people’s needs – at least while lovesick and battling mood swings.
Also, assuming that EVERYONE in one’s life is a limerent – giant no-no. Great way to embarrass yourself and alienate your entire non-limerent friend group! Believe me, I’ve been there and done that. I think lifelong limerents should educate themselves on non-limerent ways, immerse themselves in non-limerent culture, etc, etc. 😁
Relentless Limerence! I think a lot of us here understand this and empathize. That term certainly resonates with me. And it wasn’t just but a couple days ago that I talked about my LO and eye contact. Eye contact is what captured me and keeps me chained to LO still.
In this scenario, could Rachel make an effort for legitimate no contact? Or would she need to tip her hand to SO to do so since her LO and SO are friends. Would SO be understanding if she tipped her hand?
Also, if I’m being honest with myself, Rachel’s case is problematic for me. It is this kind of story that puts the thought in my head “if I just give my LO some good eye contact she could fall for me too”.
That’s a limerent deception when you factor that this kind of limerent fall happens for what…maybe 5% of people. That kind of trickery will not work on my LO.
Be careful, Speedwagon. I’ve had moments where I thought about using what I learned here to lure LO closer, too. I’ve never done it intentionally, and I’m ashamed just thinking about it. There have been moments when one of the LwL men mentioned LO behavior that was alluring and I’ve caught myself thinking, “Hmmm, I could do that.” I really don’t want to be that kind of person, yet I have those thoughts. Ugh!
I’m saying that I can relate to what you said, but, as your friend, I warn you not to engage in alluring behavior intentionally. Whether or not your LO responds, it still makes you the kind of person who does that stuff, and you are not. Just don’t.
Nope…I’m on the straight and narrow right now with LO. Stone Cold LC I call it. Boring boss. Not giving LO any personal chit chat or even much eye contact. Trying to break the cycle of relational desire, warm engagement (lots of eye contact) expectation of reciprocation, let down.
I’ve had 16 months of being charming, witty, engaging, warm, deep eye contact. LO doesn’t care. Too exhausting to keep up the game.
On a positive note, my other woman friend at the office has been engaging with me. We had a nice chit chat the other day, and she texted me a pic of her family from a place in our city I told her she should go.
Sppedwagon,
“Eye contact is what captured me and keeps me chained to Lo still”
Yes, that!!! Eye contact because the eyes are the windows of the soul, your inner being. The way Lo looked at me it was as if he was absorbing my soul! I speak a lot through my eyes and face gestures, but too introverted to speak with words… can’t forget those beautiful eyes, ever!
She may not be able to go completely NC but she could probably go really, really LC. Why does she have to see this guy? If her husband has plans with him, she could make plans with someone else. Does she have to go to all her husband’s work functions?
She may be in the phase where she thinks she wants the limerence to end but there’s a part of her that doesn’t want it to end. She may be still ruminating over every little detail of their interactions, hanging on, doing little things to see LO/look him up on social media, etc. This is a dangerous phase to be in. If the limerent lets it, it can go on for YEARS.
Marcia,
You’ve come a long way.
Do you see that as a good thing? From what I’m picking up, it seems so.
Marcia,
“You’ve come a long way.
Do you see that as a good thing? From what I’m picking up, it seems so.”
That’s sweet of you to say. Thank you. I feel I’m better in terms of the limerence … but the problem with stopping the pattern of bouncing from LE to LE (which is what I did most of my life) … is you start to see all the other crap you have to work on. 🙂 There is no better way to not deal with yourself than to focus on someone else. 🙂
Thanks Marcia! This is exactly what I needed to hear…
“There is no better way to not deal with yourself than to focus on someone else.”
“There is no better way to not deal with yourself than to focus on someone else. 🙂”
It’s even better when you can turn your LO into a villain. Not only do you divert focus, you dodge responsibility. It’s a Two-fer!
Realizing that the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is you can be quite an epiphany.
I remember exactly where I was when I encountered that burning bush.
LE,
“It’s even better when you can turn your LO into a villain. Not only do you divert focus, you dodge responsibility. It’s a Two-fer!”
That is so true. I was angry at my LO after going NC. I blamed him for everything.
“Realizing that the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is you can be quite an epiphany.”
Well, I’d say it’s accepting what is. Not what you want to be true but what is true.
Sorry. I meant to write that to you, LE. NOT myself!
This is incredible. Thank you for sharing. I mirror this experience with my current and past LEs. I did not even notice him until he stopped me in my tracks. The look, the words he utterred, the body language– it sent a tsunami of current that powered my brain, bringing everything to the fore. I rewind that moment multiple times a day, along with all the precipitating events that had minute effects on me but in hindsight accorded to that final flipping of the switch.
Over the years, I’ve learned to keep conscious distance from people in general because of this condition, hyperaware of what can potentially happen. Be objective, keep healthy detachment, separate oneself, stop the thinking, stop the imagining, it is not there–I ceaselessly tell myself. Emotionally taxing, as I am naturally fun-loving, excitable, love people, observant and creative. This is the duality I live with.
Update: I went 5 months NC and it was slow but steady progress during that time after 4 months I went a good 2 weeks without withdrawal pains as opposed to having bad days every day at the beggining. I didn’t see LO for 5 months as I missed my entire semester due to illness. When I saw LO after 5 months in the lecture hall she avoided to look at me after this day I went thru my longest and worst ever 3 week straight limerant episode which ended like litterly yesterday. I don’t know if this is because making contact(if you can call it that) was me “relapsing” turning my progress to zero or her acting like that was the final unambiguous rejection needed to break the Lims. Anyone who understands this better please share your thoughts! I think my illness is one of the causes of my limerance and the thing stopping me from breaking It as I’m unable to live purposefully because of it or live at all to be honest, only I don’t know this for sure. And does limerance even have to have a cause at all? Anyone who has some insight they can offer me please do!
Hi Hf, it’s good to hear from you. My best guess is that you went through a grieving process when you felt rejected by your LO. Rejection from an LO can help the limerent to move on. I’m sure it was painful, but it might push you towards recovery. You mentioned in an earlier post that you don’t think your LO would be a good long-term companion for you, so it might be good to get her out of your head anyway.
I hope you’re well.
Thanks for replying Miss Lovisa you been here for me since the beginning ❤️. And yes I think your right! Almost 4 months till my the start of my 2nd year of Uni I’m hoping to use that time to improve myself and go into next year a healthier version of me
That is good news. Something that I think you might consider is how powerfully you are effected by contact with females since you don’t get much of that. You need to revisit your roots and your personal values to decide how you will navigate male/female relationships going forward. It’s something I’ve had to do to. It is tricky because you don’t want to cut out all contact with all women, but you do want to live your high standards and hopefully not fall into LE after LE. I hope you find a healthy balance.
I’m glad you’re doing better.
Rejection did NOT push me into recovery. It heightened my obsession. Suffering in silence is the beast.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Natasha. Rejection from an LO can be helpful for deprogramming, but it doesn’t work for some limerents. I can think of two members of our tribe who didn’t find rejection helpful. I’m sorry that it didn’t work for you either.
I think a rejection would push me into recovery, however it has to be real rejection: he really isn’t interested and not just trying to stay away because he has a SO. I have to believe he isn’t interested. My current situation, I am going round and round in circles wondering:
“is he still thinking about me, but he can’t say anything because both of us are unavailable?”
“If he still thinking about me but doesn’t want to think about me so he is trying to stay away?”
“Is he still thinking about me, but he doesn’t know where I stand so he is trying to be respectful?”
“Has he moved on and is no longer interested because we had some online exchanges that may have been enough to give him the ego boost he needed, and that was all he wanted to begin with? But if so, why is he still talking to me at all?”
I know what you mean I’ve actually thought about that alot tbh, especially in the work place I could see it happening to me. I think disipline is huuge understanding that friendship with the opposite gender can be dangerous and not getting too close. Also getting married as soon as I can (which would fill that void) my family definitely mention it like…. Every single day! also I don’t think all limerants are serial limerants however still keeping this possibility in mind and planning for it.
Lol, of course your family is pressuring you to get married.
Rachel could be the poster child for limerence – especially for middle-aged women. The “desire to be desired” comes up over and over again when that particular demographic analyses their trigger point here on LwL. The particular root cause varies person to person, but these are good guesses (“midlife, fear of fading beauty, desire for romantic novelty”). I might also add to that – a lousy marriage. That isn’t said often here on LwL because there is a strong predisposition to try to save the primary relationship (and I’m all for supporting that). This is where I think people who are “serial” limerents would be looking at something more internal to themselves, because it is obviously a behavioral pattern, but those who are “one-offs” might want to give their primary relationship a long hard look. Which is not to say you give up on it; on the contrary, I would be looking to fix the marriage (if possible). But all the internal work in the world isn’t going to fix things if it is actually a relationship issue. I would also say in the “one-off” category, roping in the SO might be particularly useful, as it takes two to work on the marriage. For “serials” I think SOs might actually feel less threatened by any one LO in a string of LOs, and if understanding, expect to help the limerent through this several times during the course of the marriage.
Having said that, EVEN if the problem is with the primary relationship, it is still significant that limerence was how the “life shock” manifested. Why not a sudden desire to jump out of planes, or quit your job, etc. Why limerence?
“the overall strategy needs to involve understanding and disrupting the old routines and vulnerabilities that made you limerent”
Absolutely this. I am exactly at this stage myself. Disruption.
“good to visualise that future you now”
This is interesting! I am going to try this!!
” there is a simple way to resist: do not take action when you feel the craving. That is enough.”
Thank you for saying this. It is obvious, but we need to be reassured that so long as we are genuine trying and stubbornly holding fast, it is progress. We are all so disappointed that despite trying – for ages! – the pain keeps persisting.
“doesn’t mean the pain of loss vanishes, it just means you reconcile yourself to labouring through it.”
Sigh, yes.
“but the overall strategy needs to involve understanding and disrupting the old routines and vulnerabilities that made you limerent”
Emily,
Im new here and have been reading all the posts in hope to distract from texting LO. Your post resonated the most with me. I’m 38 years old, good looking (what others say), tall and fit (athletic). I am introverted but can put a show that I’m the most extroverted person in the room if I want to (grew up in a messy family so I had to put a show every time I stepped outside). 14 years of marriage, never felt this way once. Husband who is 43 got cancer twice in the 14 years. The first time I was very supportive and miserable to what my life would be without him. We had our normal marriage issues, but I always confided in him. Second time he got cancer, I totally checked out. I started a job (my first job after graduate school and after staying home for 8 years) at the same time he was diagnosed. I met a coworker (47) who is a senior (not my boss) but more accomplished. Intelligent (hubby is very smart too), a great listener (very shy and introverted- doesn’t talk much) the dismissive avoidant kind. I seem to find this kind very attractive specially when they give me little attention. We worked closely on several projects (sometime not needed to work together) but we did. We make a really great team. I blamed myself for all this. We got closer. No disclosing or affair. Just texting a lot and jokes… I’m realizing I do have a lousy marriage. When I talk to SO he always circles back to me needing therapy due to my childhood baggage. Nothing about him or our marriage though. It’s depressing…. I just want my life back, I used to enjoy simple things like going for a run, grabbing a coffee, taking kids out for a bike ride. I still do all that minus the enjoyment. Will I ever get my life back?!
Lost and Confused, limerence causes some people to “rewrite history” meaning that they start to see their marriage in a negative way. It happens because the limerent feels guilty for having strong feelings for another person and they need to justify it somehow. They begin to see past experiences with their SO as worse than it really was. I am concerned that you might be rewriting history. Will you think about it as a possibility?
It would be hurtful to hear the message that there was something wrong with your childhood and you need therapy. That is a big pill to swallow. Can you tell your SO how you feel about it?
It could be. I do believe cancer played a big role in our marriage though in addition to the normal problems: kids, in laws etc..
I was actually going to leave the first cancer before finding out I was pregnant (the irony). SO is five years younger than LO but in much worse health. He’s not a smoker or drinker. Nothing is his fault just bad luck. I actually feel really bad for him!!! I’m not sure if it’s hurtful as I had a really horrible upbringing. Divorce, anger issues, Constant fighting and living in fear from my dad. Then living alone when I was 14 and taking care of my younger sister for 2 years. Nothing close to a normal childhood or teenage years. He’s right in a way.
He’s not perfect though. When I bring it up, He believes I need to figure my problems first.
LO come from a divorced family which makes me feel like he understands more about my situation than SO. Me and SO has the religion part in common and of course beautiful kids!! I used to vent a lot to SO before the recent cancer that was aligned with meeting LO.
Thank you everyone for your support. These blogs are great and so valuable.
Emily, I fully agree with you.
What do they say” people in happy marriages don’t stray” I could say” poeple in happy marriages don’t become limerent”
My 23 yr marriage is routine, my SO is a confidant, a stable connection, safety, but maybe not as much excitement, novelty, adventure.
Being middle aged, maybe this LE is a desire to recapture the thrill of youth, I was popular then, was LO to several young guys. I guess , this was a blessing and a curse because “ these brain connection exist and I am trying to reignite thris thrill of youth????
Do other people go through this?
Hi Rachael, I disagree about something you said and I feel obligated to say it. Sorry to be so disagreeable.
You can become limerent even if you are in a happy marriage. I am in a happy marriage. I’m not the only happily married commenter on LwL, either.
Btw, thanks for sharing your story with us. Best wishes!
@ Lovisa
I think there is a difference between serial limerents (which I think you say you are) and one-off limerents. Serials will have limerence even if in happy marriages – because having limerence is part of how they are wired. But one-offs who are on the less extreme end of the limerence spectrum (I see susceptibility to any human foible as being on a spectrum) might look to external factors like their marriage to figure out what triggering limerence at a particular time. And the state of their marriage could be one of them.
@ Rachel
I had no trouble attracting men when younger as well, but after having kids, I definitely noticed men looked at me differently after I married (I give off a very don’t touch vibe) and had my child. Tbh I had eyes for nobody but my child. I only fell into a LE after three years of enduring my SO being disconnected to me. Perhaps at that point I no longer gave off the “I am taken” vibe and my LO picked up on that. Perhaps it is because my child is older and more independent. Maybe it’s because I need to love and be connected to someone. Whatever the case, you are right in that maybe there is an element of trying to recapture the thrill of youth – but I think it is even more fundamental than that; youth and beauty for a woman is Power. They are proxies for reproductive ability. When we lose those we are on a downward trend on a graph (Lovisa posted a video about this somewhere else I think). With our reproductive years behind us, we may be just be trying to even stay *relevant* to the human race, and it the desire to be desired proves it to us.
Very powerful insight on womanhood. Thank you for sharing. I will also latch on to that thought of serial vs isolated/one-off events. I’m a serial. Until now, I did not really know of anyone else who had the same condition as mine.
As a mid-life limerent I can relate… for me it is the desire to experience mutual falling-in-love again.
“With our reproductive years behind us, we may be just be trying to even stay *relevant* to the human race, and it the desire to be desired proves it to us.”
That sounds like a huge failing in our culture to me.. to allow women to believe their worth is lies in youth, physical beauty, desirability.
Interestingly, many mammals ovulate, and reproduce, throughout their lifespan. Humans are unusual living for decades beyond their reproductive years. So there must be an evolutionary payoff to this or it would not be that way. I think the power of older women is their wisdom, compassion, ability to connect & nurture and therefore enrich life.
Older/mid-life women have poise, confidence, demure, life experience, wisdom, elegance and an air that is utterly intoxicating. I find myself more romantically, intellectually and sexually addicted to my wife the older she and I get. And I feel the same with older
women in general as far as appeal in most any capacity over a 20 something gal. (Which gets me for as young as LO is.)
And gray/silver hair is sexy ladies. Don’t hide it with dye. Finally convinced my wife to stop dyeing her hair about 2 years ago and now it is all beautiful long silver hair.
Ladies wearing hats are also very sexy. Maybe I just need to ditch work go home to my wife cause I’m in some kind of mood typing this lol
Haha Adam you are a gem!
Allie 1, my thought is that this is actually less of something at a conscious level – I think everyone, consciously knows that anyone can have value at any age. I am a really confident person and I know I have much to offer. But if you look at the biological basis, the minute you are at the end of your reproductive years, that’s really it. You personally have nothing else to add to the survival of the species. You are biologically irrelevant. No matter how beautiful, talented, etc.
So I think it should be unsurprising that limerence being part of a biological drive to pair bind for reproduction makes a kind of last gasp just around Peru-menopause for so many?
*pair bond
*peri-menopause
“But if you look at the biological basis, the minute you are at the end of your reproductive years, that’s really it. You personally have nothing else to add to the survival of the species. You are biologically irrelevant.”
I disagree. In evolutionary terms, the very existence of post-menopausal woman must have improved the survival of the species or menopause would never have evolved. We would continue to reproduce throughout our lives just like the majority of animals species do.
But the thing is we never used to live decades beyond our reproductive years. That is a recent phenomena due to modern medicine. And would therefore have had no bearing on natural selection.
“their worth is lies in youth, physical beauty, desirability”. I think it is more that these are unconscious proxies for fertility.
“I think the power of older women is their wisdom, compassion, ability to connect & nurture and therefore enrich life.”
I agree with this 100% (is 1000% permissible?) but this is cultural worth, not biological.
“Lovisa, you are an Angel..”
Yes she is MJ. I wouldn’t be where I am with my limerence if it weren’t for Miss Lovisa.
Awww, thanks Adam! You have been helpful to me, too.
Thank you for this. My temptation is contacting someone and looking for validation that I am ok. It truly is like trying to draw water from an empty well. I am trying so hard to not do it. In my case it is one sided so what probably was partly an attempt on my part to feel better and escape, in the long run just gave me guilt, grief, and more to escape. 5 years is enough. Please keep me accountable to not reach out. Even though I deleted the number I could still find it or there are other ways. It’s been about 2 weeks since I last contacted him by text. I got a response but there was no asking how I was doing or one smidgen of him wanting to keep in touch.
I don’t feel I can unfriend on social media because mutual friends would notice but I can unfollow. Really so much of the dynamic is me contacting and LO responding. Anyone can respond. I have to face the truth that this is an illusion on my part and the final letting go. I struggle with not feeling good enough and this LE made it worse. Yet I struggle to not reach out again. Why do I do this?? I truly think k it’s magical thinking that if I just do x, y or a they will reciprocate and I will finally feel good enough. I’m not sure I even like or respect this person. And I don’t want to compromise my values and I want get back dignity. I am already doing very low contact so it’s just that final part to let go. Earlier this year I was almost to this point and I he called and said I was just thinking of all the wonderful people I have met at this job and I thought of you. And then he said and I also called Sue and Teresa. What a crock right? But I fell for it. Please help me to not fall for it again if it happens. And yet part of my fears he won’t ever contact me again.
It’s so good to have people that understand. I want to get better. I also right this hoping others will know they are not alone.
I think there is some looking for validation for all of us who are experiencing limerence, Beth, even if it’s sometimes under the surface. There can also be low self-esteem when we feel rejected. It’s really hard not contacting your LO and the process of defeating limerence seems to take so long.
Over the many months that I have been using this site, I have seen several examples of people using the comments to hold themselves accountable. I have done it myself. It doesn’t exactly solve the grief and pain but I reckon it’s a helpful tool.
Other observations spring to mind. Personally I am slightly weary of the phrase “purposeful living” because I find it daunting. It is not necessarily something that we can all achieve.
I do take No Contact one day at a time, however, and I try to float past the temptation to send a message when the compulsion seems to come up from nowhere and is very strong. I am retired so distraction seems to be very important albeit difficult to sustain as you I older. Anyway, today I have been packing for a trip to visit friends and LO thoughts were suppressed for a while.
Another thing that I am doing is keep an updated draft message to LO which I do not plan to send. It somehow helps me balance the painful feelings and the feelings of irritation.
You seem to have taken some very positive steps. It’s so hard, isn’t it. I’ll look forward to seeing your messages if you decide to post any updates.
“I do take No Contact one day at a time, however, and I try to float past the temptation to send a message when the compulsion seems to come up from nowhere and is very strong.”
Saturday was one year to the day since I’ve seen her. I was outside listening to music when my wife came out and she asked me “why were you crying?” I lied and acted like I didn’t know what she meant. Later in the day she said something, I don’t remember exactly why it triggered me, but then I admitted to her today was one year. She didn’t get mad or irritated she just consoled me.
I told her that I wanted her to watch my phone/PC use for the day. It’s been Christmas 2022 since I last looked at LO’s social media. I told her that I wanted to resist the temptation and that I knew Saturday was a particularly difficult day. So I spent the day either playing games with my boys or watching movies with my wife. I made it through the day, but I know what the compulsion is like.
I still have a draft I wrote of her “going away” card I was going to give her on her last day. I never used it. I got cold feet and just wrote a “don’t be a stranger” in her card when I went to see her on her last day. Because I don’t think a lot of poor LO’s have any idea what we have done to ourselves and them. So I kept it more “professional”. Though I have to admit I did pick a good card from amazon “you’re an awesome lady keep that $hit up”. 🙂
I talked to my wife last night about this limerence and LO. It was a good talk and I asked some things that I never have before. We talked about many things but she told (which I think she has said before) me that he is wary of my music and what I listen to. She said that she worries about what reminds me of her and what reminds me of LO. I was honest with her and told that there are songs that LO could never steal from her. And I said that there are songs that I still listen to because they do remind me of her. She asked me why I do that to myself. I didn’t have an answer. But I did say if I am never going to be reminded of LO I would have to stop listening to music all together. Maybe that is something we can work through together.
Adam,
If I get teary over something, which rarely happens now, I blame allergies.
Everyone in my house has them and ’tis the season.
Start taking non-drowsy antihistamine. It adds credibility.
Adam, try this song. It’s one of my SO’s favorites and I think it will remind you how much you love your family.
Lead Me by Sanctus Real
https://youtu.be/yLr6G8Xy5uc
We baptized my 8-year-old daughter on Saturday. She wanted to sing one of her favorite songs at her baptism ceremony. It’s about a group of young people who each draw strength from their mother. I am such a broken woman that I don’t deserve to have a child who loves that song, but she not only loves it, she relates to it. It’s so humbling for me. She doesn’t see my brokenness, she sees my strengths. I cry every time I hear it. My sister cried when she heard it at the baptism, too.
Their Mothers Knew by Monica Scott
https://youtu.be/aQ762FoLFfI
Cheers to good music that reminds us of the stuff that matters.
Miss Lovisa thank you for both those songs. I especially like Lead Me and know what I have to do. She needs to know that I will always be by her side. Fully present and clear headed. If she has forgiven my past than I need to move on from it. I can’t change what I have done but I can change that it won’t happen again. I’ll see it for what it is because I am no longer ignorant of limerence.
I can do that Miss Lovisa. I will strive to be a better husband and father than I have. Prove now and in the future that I can change for the better. And leave the past in the past.
The second song makes me hopeful my mother knows too. I know I didn’t take the path in life that they wanted for me, but I still love my mother and am very thankful for all the sacrifices that she made for me and my sister. She’s a very strong woman to have raised my sister and I (and especially me as I was always into something I shouldn’t have) to responsible adults.
And I know you are wonderful mother Miss Lovisa. No matter why you think you are broken, the evidence is in your children, that you are an amazing mother. So if you are going to make me take your advice and not be hard on myself from my limerence than you take your advice Miss Lovisa and don’t be hard on yourself please.
Thanks Fredericko. Yes one day at a time. I can relate to the purposeful living. I have much growth to in that area. Great idea to keep a draft message to LO. My husband has some recent health issues and that has really woke me up that he needs to be my focus. I hope you continue to do well.
Really relate to this Beth. It is so hard to make yourself let go, well done on your 2 weeks… keep going!
I am guilty of magical thinking also…. am such rational person usually… in all ways but this one. Despite being totally aware of this ridiculous habit, I get sucked back in time and time. Maybe becuase it has become my comfort zone and anything else just feels miserable.
Thanks for sharing. It is tough and I kidded myself in the past that I let go but really hadn’t. I can relate to the comfort zone thing. When I get stressed etc thoughts will turn to LO but in the end it just causes discomfort.
Clearly persistent Limerence has many factors for different people. I have fallen back into LE after NC following a chance contact. Yet it’s ridiculous to keep thinking about and waiting for erratic messages that are very vague. Like I am waiting for a message from heaven. Which will be hell when, disappointed and angry, I read it. So I know its ridiculous.
I think our brains believe we have found an ideal mate from our initial glimmer but that we are failing to follow up on the next biological step. That part of the brain takes no account of feelings or circumstance. It’s a primitive lizard part of the brain with a lot of power. So what does it do. It keeps putting LO front and centre of your mind to keep us directed to the mate we told it was irresistible at the highest point of the LE. And it doesn’t get tired of putting LO front and centre, saying go and get together with that mate. But my god we do.
“ midlife, fear of fading beauty, desire for romantic novelty…”
Oh, that hit so close to home, it pierced right through me.
I’m 50, single, used to be highly attractive and could have married well but career in high finance happened and before I knew, aging has happened. Now only much older men find me desirable.
So here I am, middle aged and pining over 45 year old average looking (and short, height wise, man) because he rejected me. If I were to be so honest with myself, the limerance would not have developed if my LO wasn’t so “average.” How dare he reject someone whom he connected with intellectually and sexually in pursuit of “better”- my guess.
The kicker? My fantasy hasn’t died down one bit in over a decade and I haven’t even seen him since 2020. It’s very sporadic.
I surely think I’d make an interesting case study. Thanks for reading. Im just catching up on this blog. I found my tribe to say the least.
Welcome to the tribe, Natasha!
Thank you. I wish I wasn’t suffering so much but shy of a decade into this mess, I’ve resigned to the fact that I might just be the 1% for whom the limerance is a lifelong torture.
They rings true with me as well. I feel like this is my last chance to experience true passion with someone. I know it will not happen with my husband again, we have been together for a long time. I am not even certain it ever happens with him. This is a new animal and I want it so much.
Side note, my line range started because he expressed interest. I have almost never obsessed over someone who wasn’t interested in me. There is a block that prevents it from happening.
Uhh can’t fix typos above, so “line range” = limerance
I just read the post “When Things Go Sour” on here. I also read about the illusion of closure. It was just what I needed to hear. How did Doctor Limerance get in my brain lol? Resentment is keeping me trapped as well as this need for closure. That somehow just the right conversation with him will take this away and make me feel better. I think what I really want is him to admit he pulled me in, misled me etc and is doing the same with my replacement. I want an apology. But would that help or is this my brain just trying to keep the LE going? Regardless of what he did or didn’t do, I have got to let go.
I hate to admit this but I have been him and the person who replaced me at my job on Messenger. You know the green dots. It was something I accidentally noticed one day that they often go on and off at the same time. So then I started looking just to see if they were on. They are a lot. It might just be a coincidence. But I am checking several times a day, It causes resentments and what ifs. It’s not healthy. This morning I changed settings so I can’t tell if any of my friends are on there. I’ve also unfollowed both of them on social media. Has anyone else ever done this? I feel ashamed and this keeps me trapped in resentment.
When does LC/NC start to feel better? I’m almost feeling worse? Honestly you don’t realize how much the rumination and contact keeps you attached to LO until you pull back. Anyway so grateful for this place. I’m also changing my name to Beth 2 as I saw another Beth had posted on here.
It’s time to build new pleasure pathways in your brain. Do something fun. What do you like? I like math and running so I get really excited about the data that my watch gives me every time I go running. It’s such a treat! And runner’s high is amazing! What do you like, Beth?
Hi Lovisa. Very interesting you ask that because I don’t even know what I like. I realize I don’t have many hobbies so I need to work on that. I have a heart issue so running is probably out lol but I could walk. Music is great especially praise and worship. Thank you!
Now you’re talking! Here are some of my favorite praise and worship songs…
For the Beauty of the Earth arranged by John Rutter and sung by the “Tab Cats” aka Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square
https://youtu.be/sDnG2Ph21YY
The Spirit of God, also sung by the Tab Cats. This one makes me cry every time we sing it in church. I was in the choir once when the congregation sang it. It was an unusually large congregation, maybe 800 to 1,000 people. The choir voices all around me were perfectly pitched and beautiful. The volume of voices that came at us from the congregation felt like…I don’t know how to describe it, concourses of angels singing praises to their God. It was incredible! Unforgettable!
https://youtu.be/608cbv7Qe_A
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing sung by Sarah Noelle.
https://youtu.be/g3w9nvXuVnk
The first time I heard this song was at the end of a college class. There was a piano in the room and a fellow classmate started playing for fun. I asked what he was playing and he not only played this beautiful song, he sung it to me. It was my own private concert. I loved every second of it. This is my favorite version on YouTube. This artist is lovely. I like her simple style.
Okay, so you like music and you might start walking. We’re making progress!
Beth
It has been a year (June 3) since the last time I had contact with LO and the desire for closure just kicked in some weeks ago right as I am almost through this LE. I want to know what LO thought of me. Was I overbearing to her? Did I cross any boundaries with her? Did I factor in any way as to why she left the job? Did she know how I felt about her? How did she feel about me? Why has she never reached out to me in a year? Am I that easy to forget?
And I know the temptation with social media. It is a way for me too feed the limerent monster without interfering in LO’s life. Something I do not want to do. But it is easy to justify checking in on it with “I’m making sure she is safe” excuses. Because just seeing her face would only make it worse and continue the LE no matter what actual realistic concern I have for her well being.
“I think what I really want is him to admit he pulled me in, misled me etc and is doing the same with my replacement. I want an apology.”
This is something I don’t ever suspect LO did and I am sorry that it happened to you. I always appreciate LO was nice and straight forward with me and never ever led me on or was amorous. Something I am eternally grateful for with her. Because that could have sent the limerence into overdrive.
This desire for closure I look at as my limerence brain’s last ditch effort to keep this LE going. Your situation is quite different than mine, so my motivation is different. My motivation is to remember that LO has her own life and has moved on. How she viewed me in her life is irrelevant at this point, as long as she is happy with how her life is going. My motivation is her happiness. Try to find the motivation that helps you let go. Resentment may not be the best way. In turn realize that through this limerence you can change it and empower yourself. If he flirted and led you on and then moved on what kind of man is that? You are worth more than some man’s amusement. And you deserve better. You deserve a man that gives you his full attention and adoration.
But I understand that is not an easy thing. Even as pleasant as LO and I’s work relationship was I was always at her defense. Even with actual constructive criticism I was present in my “shinning armor”. Limerence does that. And it took me a long time to try and see LO realistically and understand that she wasn’t the perfect woman that I saw her as. I personally don’t think devaluing is a good thing, but I do believe dropping them down off the pedestal that limerence put them on helps us see them as the person they are. Because even in the way your LO treated you, you still can’t let go despite feeling resentful and wanting an apology from him for his behavior.
Some people aren’t capable of self-reflection. I believe some aren’t even aware that they have hurt us. My LO said he was “flattered” when I disclosed my feelings for him. He said he thought we were both enjoying the “fling”- whereas I thought we were dating. His words pierced through me like a sharp knife. I’m still pining after him hoping he’ll change his mind. It hurts like a mothaeffer
That is difficult I am sure. To find out you are not that important to someone as you thought you were. Believe me, despite the gracious woman that LO was it hurt when she told me she was leaving. I thought that she enjoyed working with me, so why would she leave? I am sure it is much more intense in your case.
When a lot of you lady limerents talk about being lead on by your male LO’s it kind of pisses me off. Because to me if a man wants to flirt with a lady he should be having some interest in her, not just stroking his own ego by garnering a lady’s attention. It should be with the intent to pursue a relationship. Guess that comes from me never caring for “flings” when I was dating. I was dating to find a mate.
Either way I am sorry for your pain Natasha. Since you said you thought the two of you were dating, I assume you are single? Would trying to find interest in another man help? Or would you prefer to stay single for awhile? I can’t help much in this department. I barely dated before finally getting married. Take care of yourself Natasha and go at it one hour at a time, one day at a time, whatever pace works for you. And know we are all here to listen when you need a open ear.
Yeah, “flattered” is a word no one wants to hear from someone that they’re attracted to.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-to-disclose/#comment-1852
Disclosure always seems to come with risk.
Ugh I know that cycle all too well– I’m constantly being stabbed over and over again and yet still latching on. I’m wanting and seeking the high and lows, afraid that once it’s all gone there’s nothing else to feel. I feel alive, fiery and intense during these episodes that the thought of even returning to baseline normal makes me very lonely.
I admire your courage to disclose your true feelings and thoughts. I have done so in the past and it was quite damaging. I am unable to do it with my current LO although, every day I feel like I’m going to explode and I just want to unload everything on him. Hang in there, I hope things get better for you and that you find a semblance of peace and balance.
@Adam
“When a lot of you lady limerents talk about being lead on by your male LO’s it kind of pisses me off. Because to me if a man wants to flirt with a lady he should be having some interest in her, not just stroking his own ego by garnering a lady’s attention. It should be with the intent to pursue a relationship. Guess that comes from me never caring for “flings” when I was dating. I was dating to find a mate” — It hurts to read this. A fact and how all my past LOs were. It always started with some level of interest from the LO I barely noticed, followed by the trigger. From there it becomes a one-way street. Their interest is fanned by the storm of attention, care and kindness from me. I continue to give and wait to be given. Trailing them like a lost puppy. I blamed myself each time knowing that half the reason for them being that way was because I let it happen. That guilt and self-loath continues to hunt me.
Thanks Adam those are great points. Yes resenting LO won’t do anything in the long run. We also never truly know what is going on inside someone’s mind. I realized that I read a lot into normal interactions. That’s the hard part too. I have to forgive myself too for crossing my own boundaries and letting this guy get into my head. From what I can see you are doing all the right things to get over your LE. The brain takes a while to catch on.
Thank you all. I am deeply touched by your kindness, even though we all have our own pain/cross to carry dealing with this stuff. Am feeling you’re my kinfolk, nevertheless.
My experience has led to seeing a therapist, ordering a dozen self help books and finally getting on anti-depressants (that I’ve never taken in my life prior to this.) I am actually getting off SSRIs because they haven’t provided much relief. You gotta feel the pain, right? No amount of self medicating has helped either.
Worth noting, my first rodeo at this stuff. I had a teenage “crush” a few decades ago, that’s about it.
@Adam… I appreciate your input regarding modern dating and men. I am a middle aged woman although my teenage children keep me “in the loop” about dating and I’m even cool enough to know the lingo. Was I love bombed? Yes. For several months. No one has ever shown that my interest in me so I caved in. Amazing sex followed. Then benching, ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc.
by the time I disclosed, I was exhausted mentally. His rejection made me feel battered and defeated.
There’s more to my story and I’m sure I’ll be commenting often when I get caught up reading the blog. So forgive me in advance. There’s just so much to process and I can’t seem to make much progress. He’s still single, probably trying to fling his way through life since at least 2014.
Amara
“Their interest is fanned by the storm of attention, care and kindness from me.”
I’m a little bit harder on male LO’s because I am a man and I recognize male behavior. I am a bit darker on women’s behavior. If you’d ask me I would defend LO to my last breath that she was never manipulative and never tried to garner the attention that I was giving her. It was all on my limerent brain’s fault and she was nothing short of gracious. But will come in and defend all the female limerents here from their male LO’s behavior. It’s a bias I’ve never been good about hiding.
But yes I think in the end, LO’s probably recognize at some level the attention the limerent gives them. Who doesn’t like attention? Who doesn’t like feeling special? I don’t think a lot of LO’s try to manipulate to get more attention but at the same time I don’t think they say “hey what’s up with this special attention” at the same time. In my case if everyone else in office could tell I was giving LO special attention I am sure she could too. She just never verbally acknowledged it.
Thanks for your thoughts Adam. You’re right people like attention and I do think closure is our brain wanting to continue LE.
@Adam, you so damn smart, lol..
I love your posts. It’s like you say so many things I’m kind of already thinking. So I never feel worthy of replying because what’s the point of saying something twice??
Great minds must think alike, but I still say you could easily Author a novel on this subject.
Just sayin..
I just discovered this site and the term limerent yesterday, and hoo boy… I’m not sure I have the words to describe how it has completely wrecked my life. But I want to share my story, because I finally know I am not alone anymore. I’ve been reading through the blogs and everyone’s comments and stories, and maybe if I share my story it can help someone else. Maybe it can help me, too, who knows? It’s a lot for me to go through, so I will try and not drag it out too long. But I have a lot to unpack and I can’t really share this anywhere else, so please bear with me if you’re so inclined.
I (31M) have been a limerent since roughly the age of 9. I have, somewhat tentatively, begun exploring the reasons behind why it began. I’ll start off with a bit of history for context, because I believe this is where my limerence likely stemmed from. I was raised in a poor household by a single mother who was always working her ass off. I remember starting to feel resentment towards her at around this age. We were always struggling to make ends meet. I never had the nice toys other kids had. I never had nice clothes. We always drove an old, embarrassing, second-hand jalopy that broke down every other day, etc. To some extent I must have subconsciously convinced myself that my mom wasn’t good enough. Perhaps I also felt I wasn’t getting enough attention emotionally because she was always tired from work and the stress of being a single mother. Furthermore, my mother is a very dominating person, and that no doubt has also played an influence as I’m attracted to dominating personalities. I’m still in the process of trying to figure all that out, so I’m not 100% sure. Also, I’m not trying to bash my mother in any way. She is a strong, wonderful woman who I love and respect dearly. Anyway, now for when my LEs started…
I developed my first LE when I was 9 years old. And it basically never really stopped, just jumped (and evolved with time) from one LO to the next. It has completely warped my idea of love and relationships to the extent that I have never been in a genuine romantic relationship. It has severely affected my daily life for over 20 years, to the point where I’m severely depressed, anxious, scared, lonely, and I feel like a failure in life with no stable career or future prospects.
LO#1 – LO#3 were all female teachers who were old enough to be my mother – this is a recurring theme for me, with the exception of a few LOs. The main thing I’d like to point out about these early LOs is that the fantasies weren’t sexual. They were based on a child/parent relationship. LO#1 was my 3rd grade teacher and LO#2 was my 4th grade teacher.
Here things get a little blurry for me. During this time I think there may have been a few LO overlaps. I don’t distinctly remember having more than one at a time, but memory is not perfect, so this may actually have been the case. In 6th grade, there was an English teacher who didn’t teach my class, but I developed an LE over her anyway. She was LO#3.
Then, enter LO#4, the first and only male LO I ever had. Also the first LO who I’ve never actually met (oh yes, my unavailable/unattainable LO problem gets bad, really, really bad). He was an actor whose work I loved, and still love. He voiced characters in several cartoons I watched, he did kids movies and series, and I just adored him. Since I never had a father in my life, I ended up adopting him as my fantasy dad. This happened around the same time as LO#3, and I was about 12 at the time.
At 13, I moved to a new school for 7th grade, where, again, I met a new, different LO#5. She was a girl in my class, and my age (for once!). This one was also not really sexual. What I believe I wanted from her was deep, meaningful friendship. A special connection. Someone who wants to know me, spend time with me. Okay, maybe I had a bit of a crush on her, fine. She was a popular girl. I was a shy, quiet kid. So, naturally, I was attracted. But after 7th grade we were all headed for different high schools, and once contact was severed, the LE with her ended. Only problem is, that’s around the time a new LE began with LO#6 (again, likely overlap). I’m barely 14 at this point, can’t I get a break? It’s f!@#$%g exhausting!!
LE#6 was an actress who played in a soap opera my mom loved to watch. I never really had much interest in her soap, but we often watched it while eating dinner on the couch, so I was exposed to it every evening. Before I knew it, I was in the throes of the LE, and this one started evolving. Now that I was reaching adolescent age, the fantasies started to change. It initially started as a parent/child fantasy, like the others. But I started changing the fantasy. I aged myself up to an adult in my fantasies because I started to gain a sexual interest in LO#6. The parent/child fantasies quickly shriveled up and died. But I was young and had absolutely no sexual experience or knowledge, and she became the first woman I thought I “loved” romantically. I would pine and ache over her every waking hour. I would get incredibly jealous if I found out she was dating someone. Hearing love songs on the radio made me incredibly depressed because they reminded me of her. I consumed every scrap of media information about her to keep my fantasies fueled. I kept hoping maybe one day I’ll meet her in person. Until LO#7 came along, and LO#6 faded. And this is where it gets really bad…
It started when my older sister introduced me to a very popular TV show that ran from the early 90s to the early 2000s. Before I knew it, I was head over heels for the lead actress and she became the fateful, still current, LO#7. The actress saga continues. In fact, she is my longest LO yet, holding the record for 16 years and counting. Furthermore, she is 24 years my senior (making her 55 at the time of writing) and I still can’t get her out of my damn head. This one is very much romantic/sexual/desire for companionship and intimacy, of course. No parent/child fantasies anymore. I’ve had intense, vivid fantasies of all my LOs, but LO#7 feels by far the most intense and crazy. I’ve had the lowest of lows whenever I thought about not being able to have her, about her with other men, about her having a life that I will never be a part of. I’ve had the most intense highs and incredibly intimate and passionate fantasies about her that arouse me to levels I didn’t think possible. You know the deal.
Then in 2018, something clicked in my brain. I was, as usual, looking for any new info about her that I could absorb into my obsession, when something woke up in me. I suddenly realized, with a strange clarity, how I was hurting and destroying myself. So, I made a resolution to stop consuming any information about her – no watching her shows and movies, no reading/watching interviews, no more social media stalking, no photos, NOTHING. And, I am proud to say I have stuck with that resolution since then. Since I’ve never met LO#7, I kind of consider that my No Contact rule, if that makes sense.
It worked. Or so I thought… Instead, I just convinced myself it worked. The fantasies reduced a bit, and sometimes they felt a little stale. However, she was still on my mind 24/7. When a fantasy started feeling stale, I’d simply construct a new, more exciting one. I’ve been through countless. I still fantasized about being intimate with her as well as the every day things. Anything that happens in my environment is automatically transferred into my constant fantasies running in the background. Read a funny joke on Reddit? Immediately I’m reading it to her in my head. Got the flu? Obviously she’s taking care of me. I play a videogame and in my fantasy she’s sitting next to me, keeping me company. I read a book, and in my fantasy we’re both actors working on turning this book into a movie. I get upset over politics and I’m discussing it with her. I’m annoyed with someone in my life and I complain to her. I managed to convince myself that this was okay, because I’d stopped looking her up online. But it’s not okay. It’s all in my head, and it only ever will be. Like all of you, I don’t want this anymore. I’m tired and I want to move on with my life. I’m actively working on dismissing any thoughts and fantasies about her that pop up. It’s hard and it doesn’t always work, as many are involuntary and deeply ingrained into my general cognitive process, but I have to keep trying.
Lastly (finally!), in my youth, I also did a few things concerning my obsession with LO#7 that I am still deeply ashamed of. I’m not sure if I’m ready to share the specific details of that yet, but I mention it because it has kind of triggered my LE somewhat recently. I did something as a teenager that I want to genuinely apologize to LO#7 for. Something that directly affected her and elicited an actual response from her, of which I was arrogantly proud at the time. I asked a friend the other day if I should write her an apology and anonymously send it to her over social media. It’s probable she won’t even read it. I wonder if this is my limerent brain looking for a last-ditch excuse to try and contact her with the hope of some response, some validation? But my friend looked at it from LO#7’s side (fair enough) and advised I don’t do it because of how it might affect LO#7. Is it bad, then, that I really do feel ashamed and want to apologize, while I suspect my LE wants to use it as fuel for my fantasies at the same time? Doesn’t she deserve an apology? Or am I just overthinking it? I don’t know…
If you made it all this way without falling asleep, thank you so much for reading my terribly long essay! I’m very relieved to have found this community and I hope I can make some new friends here.
Thank you for sharing! I will admit, this is an interesting and unique case as it involves an LE that is based on pure fantasy. But, I understand the obsessive desires and intrusive thoughts of it all and how it can derail your day.
First off, I you have done the right thing to start by cutting off your access to any information about LO. Keep that up. I have come to believe No Contact to be the very best step in starting to move past an LE. But as you state, that does not account for the fantasies you can create in your mind.
Which brings me to my next question, have you had any actual romantic relationships in your life? Or does your LE keep you from successfully having those or desiring any other woman? My thought is that you might need to work to transfer this feeling of romantic desire from fantasy LO to a new, healthy, available person that you could have a real relationship with.
Michael, your story is, to me, deeply moving and beautifully written. No one will have fallen asleep reading it! It will no doubt have been cathartic for you too.
So many of your descriptions resonate with me and I am sure that they will for many of the other limerents who have been fortunate enough to find this site.
I believe that No Contact with a Limerent Object is really helpful in the long run although it can be deeply painful. Also, I cannot always seem to manage a “purposeful life” these days but I find myself some enjoyable distractions whenever I can to help things along.
You have explained your childhood. I have some similar recollections. It’s amazing how much we are formed by our early years. I have only recently made these connections. It helps.
As you will have seen, there are many experienced commenters here, as well as those who will be reading your post and silently empathising.
First post. Female. This site has given me the final piece of the jigsaw into making sense of what happened and also the why. Until now, I never fully understood that it was all about me, not the LO. I have had three limerent episodes, the last two when I was in my 50s so I totally get the desire to be desired, fading beauty, etc. A yearning for all things gone.
I am now 67. My last LO died 3 years ago, ten days after my long-term partner of over 40 years had also died. It’s too long a sorry tale to detail in full, but it was one of those idealize, devalue, discard scenarios on the LO’s part. I adored him, so the grief was devastating. My career was left in ruins—I couldn’t function—and my own long-term relationship never recovered. I spent months reading about personality disorders and eventually pigeon-holed him as some kind of malignant narcissist.
When the LO died, it was a relief. I felt I was finally free of the madness. Although it had been 10 years since I had last seen the LO, barely a day passed when I didn’t think of him. The horrible thing is, I think I felt more grief for the loss/death of that relationship than I did for the actual death of my partner.
Two nights ago, I dreamt about the LO. One of those jumbled dreams that make little sense but we were together in the same place. I woke up feeling happy, and that made me question why I was still emotionally involved on some deep level
Sppedwagon,
“Eye contact is what captured me and keeps me chained to Lo still”
Yes, that!!! Eye contact because the eyes are the windows of the soul, your inner being. The way Lo looked at me it was as if he was absorbing my soul! I speak a lot through my eyes and face gestures, but too introverted to speak with words… can’t forget those beautiful eyes, ever!
This is the worst case of Limerence I’ve ever experienced – I think because I realise what I could lose. I’m a serial cheater, which I’m coming to terms with, it’s sobering to admit, but it needs doing. I recognise that I do it because I have such low self-esteem and therefore crave validation from others, usually men (the desire to be desired) it’s not an excuse, but it’s the reason. I also have trouble identifying or acting on what I really want – communication is not a strong point either, so I find it hard to say to my SO that I need his attention.
Anyways, this time I have a lot to lose, and I would lose it if anything happened a second time, which makes the situation unbearable. I can’t initiate NC because I can’t get out of seeing him, plus deep down I don’t want to. I fantasise about having an EA, as if that’s ok!
I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I’m beginning to spiral into usual patterns of behaviour – spending more time on my appearance, working out, flirting I don’t do well, I go down the path of backhanded insults or passive aggression, maybe because I don’t really want ‘it’, I just want to know I could have it if I wanted! But it’ll get more suggestive. The trouble is I suppose once I get to the point of hooking him in, I feel like I can’t back down, can’t say, “look, I made a mistake”, so I go along with it, a self-fulfilling prophecy of destruction.
Hey PC,
So how much do you have to see LO each day at work? I’m wondering if you can make an effort to minimize interactions down to nearly nothing? It may take some time but it has helped me.
I can’t escape my LO, I’m her boss, I have to have work interaction with her at least a couple times a day. But I work hard at just keeping it at that, and not getting personal with her. I don’t need to know about her life and she doesn’t need to know about mine. I actively try to avoid her some. She is not an initiator, she is fairly introverted, so it really is up to me what I want our relationship to be, and now I want it to be nothing because it can’t be everything. I notice that if I slip up and pursue her relationally, it usually just backfires on me and throws me into depression for a day or two. So I try to avoid slipping up.
What has also helped me is I have poured a little relational energy into another woman at work that I really like as a friend. Do you have a different male friend that you know will not be an LO but you get along with well? Maybe invest a little bit more in those people?
I feel for you…I know what it is to be gripped by limerent desire but feel so helpless and just try to make it day by day. If I can feel ‘just OK’ then I consider that a good day.
Hi Speedwagon,
Thank you, it’s horrendously exhausting isn’t it? I’ve wondered about ‘transferring’ the friendship but the thing is, I didn’t even like LO to begin with, couldn’t stand him, so I’d be worried about getting too close to another man in case that flips too! I’ve even had it for another woman. It’s funny how I manage to blur these relationships so often. I wonder if there’s something in my childhood, I don’t know.
I definitely need to tone it down, I think people might be starting to notice, which gives me that creeping, sickly feeling. It can lead to a few days of depression for me too, when things don’t go the way I want them to, maybe if I take control of my own actions instead of trying to manipulate others!
Thank you so much for the advice Speedwagon, I will try with minimizing contact and I hope the rest of your week is blessed!
Hi Problem Child,
I can relate to almost everything you’ve said.
“I do it because I have such low self-esteem and therefore crave validation from others, usually men (the desire to be desired)” WOW. As a married woman, I have everything to lose too. It isn’t my first rodeo, so forgiveness would not be in the plan if I were ever to be caught.
And this “I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I’m beginning to spiral into usual patterns of behaviour – spending more time on my appearance, working out, flirting I don’t do well, I go down the path of backhanded insults or passive aggression, maybe because I don’t really want ‘it’, I just want to know I could have it if I wanted!” Also same. I feel like if it ever really reached that level, how could I back out?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It amazes me that after having been through this before, I never learn my lesson. What starts out feeling exciting and fun and euphoric, always, ALWAYS leads to heartache, anxiety, stress, and pain.
Hey Jo, thanks for your words. It does actually help to know there are others going through this, particularly those who have been physically unfaithful in the past. You would think our brains would be wired to realise how it will end up by now wouldn’t you? I read something once about transference being a subconscious attempt to resolve a past relationship but I can’t see where in my early life that this is! Sure, I’ve been hurt by men, but I don’t understand how that would keep me being attracted to unavailable or dangerous men. I do wonder if there’s something in my relationship with my father – he wasn’t particularly attentive and was any good with emotions but I don’t know how that fits in. I do know there’s usually more than a physical attraction, for me, I tend to feel a connection on a deeper level, like whoever the guy is is my soulmate. Though I don’t think that in this instance, because there is no way on earth we could ever be together, maybe I’ve put a mental block there.
ABCD – yes, I have felt this awful lessening of connection on his part, I think he’s deliberately distancing himself, which my head tells me is a good thing, but my heart is aching!
Hi PC,
I was raised by a single mom and only met my father a handful of times. My mother had extremely low self esteem, despite being beautiful, and always chose awful men. So the more I dig into it, the more it makes sense in my case. The sad thing is that I am married to a wonderful man 🙁 who does not deserve this. Regarding the soulmate connection – I have applied that as well. I tend to overthink these men to such a degree and create ideas of them that somehow give them more depth than they actually have. Like I am meeting them on some cosmic level or something. This is ridiculous as well.
This resonates Jo, my mum has always had incredibly low self-esteem, and this rubbed off onto me. But what you said about having a wonderful husband is also true for me, and that makes me think we must be good people really, if we can just tap into the belief and love ourselves, perhaps we wouldn’t need others to fulfill that for us 🫶🏻
Hi PC and Jo. Speedwagon gives some great advice. I am in the same boat – NC is not possible, so LC is the only option. I have observed that whenever there is a period of NC, I seem to function better (relatively), but whenever there is an “interaction”, bam, I start to feel low for a couple of days, its very hard and emotionally exhausting. I think Dr. L refers to it as a “special kind of hell” in his book, when you cannot go NC. So, yeah, there are these ups and downs. I feel the more LC you can go, the more you will be able to navigate the ups and downs in a better manner. It’s incredibly hard, but need to keep at it tenaciously. One can hope that we can navigate our feelings in a better manner eventually.
Hi ABCD, limited contact helps tremendously. It’s a conscious effort and takes strength to keep myself away when I know he’ll be around. I haven’t gotten the strength to stop looking at his social media though, so that keeps him orbiting the front of my mind. I am too scared to remove him because I know that doing so will clue him into what is happening with me, and I’m also afraid to fully put a final end to it all. A previous LO blocked me abruptly and without warning when he got married, and although I was gutted at first, it proved to be a huge blessing.
Needed this one today, as probably evidenced by the fact I’m reading it months after being posted.
‘Relentless’ is absolutely the word.
I am married but coming up on two years being besotted by LO, a work colleague.
Things went way beyond the glimmer. We had an affair. We said we loved each other. But just over a year ago my wife found out what was going on and I’ve been trying to recover, de-programme or however is best to term it ever since.
As soon as my wife and I stumbled across the concept of limerence in trying to make sense of it all, it was all so consistent with my experience it was uncanny. But to this day I still struggle (privately) to reconcile this with the feeling that I am hiding behind it to shirk responsibility for what I did to us.
I sway in and out of certainty that I was in love with the projection and representation of my needs at the time rather than LO, yet there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what we had – real or not – and what it could have become. And as we work together, when direct contact is required I can spiral for days after.
I have been exercising No Contact as much as possible and while this can feel like it’s providing progress at times, the by-product is often wild jealousy of anyone close to LO.
What feels most demoralising about such episodes is that while I am trying to rebuild trust with SO and be as open and honest as possible, it feels that surely no good can come of explaining how I have moments where I still feel exactly the same as when I was in the midst of it all 18 months ago.
It feels like a finish line would give me hope to cling to, but without one in sight there can be very low, lonely days.
Hi HJ,
Your story is painful. It sounds like you need someone to talk to. Have you looked into Marriage Helper or Affair Recovery? They have resources to help you. Their YouTube videos might be a good place to start.
At Affair Recovery they say healing happens in community. I think you need to be honest and vulnerable about what you are experiencing. I don’t think your wife is the person to carry the burden. A trusted friend or clergy might be a better confidant. I think both Affair Recovery and Marriage Helper have coaches available to walk this journey with you.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Lovisa. I hadn’t looked into those resources before but will do now.
HJ , hi
“What feels most demoralizing about such episodes is that while I am trying to rebuild trust with SO and be as open and honest as possible, it feels that surely no good can come of explaining how I have moments where I still feel exactly the same as when I was in the midst of it all 18 months ago.”
HJ, you have my sympathy. What you had with LO was real in your mind, you had an affair, it cannot be denied. You created feelings for LO, and now you have to separate. Of course, you’ll be grieving as in any other relationship. It will be difficult to be comforting LO while you’re living in anguish. You can’t be emphatic to your SO because you yourself are going through an experience you don’t quite understand; you may want to know you’ll be going through the “five stages of grief,” ( look them up) Going No Contact is not an easy task, you may slide back, and that’s normal. You say there’s ‘not a day that goes by that you don’t think about what you two had, and what could have become’, this is very hard for you indeed! That “what could have become “ ( of the relationship ), has hunted me for 20 months now. I’m in No Contact for 14 months and I still have very severe sorrowful and lonely days. I also have a SO and so does he, besides being of advanced age; limerence is no respecter of age or gender, married or single, rich or poor, it’s like an unwanted bitter/sweet pest. It just happened without bidding it.
Since you work with LO, as I understand, this NC is going to be somehow difficult to not be in a state of arousal. As you say, ‘direct contact makes you spiral for days after, and the byproduct of NC is often wild jealousy of anyone close to LO. Boy, you’re in deep! This is definitely a very disturbing situation for you. I’m
so sorry you’re going through this, I don’t think SO is going to be willing to carry with the burden to help you through this emotionally charged ride for too long. There’s a limit a betrayed SO can handle without creating further burdens on you both. You both need time to heal, maybe see a counselor or friend separately.
You say:” a finish line would give me hope to cling to, but without one in sight there can be very low, lonely days.” This makes me sad for you and SO. I believe you have to concentrate, focus in a future where you two share goals and values, adventure, family , community, etc. Maybe taking on some hobbies? Living a purposeful life is Dr. L’s advice for suffering limerents. But you need to heal first, no one said it’s an easy task , but try we must…
I sincerely wish you a quick solution to this ordeal.
Thank you, Nisor.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share such a detailed and thoughtful response.
It does help to know it’s not an entirely unique mess I find myself in…