Big moment this, for me.
I’ve been blogging here at LwL for seven years, under a pseudonym. There were various reasons why, but looking back on the first ever post, I was obviously concerned about being “found out”.
Well, seven years later, this site isn’t really about me anymore. It’s grown into a community, with me as proud host, but covering far more about limerence, neuroscience and purposeful living than my own experience could contain. It’s become a resource.
Regular readers will know that I’ve been dithering about the implications of this transformation for some time, and dithering is very much not an element of purposeful living (although, in one of life’s ironies, the people who struggle with a problem are often the most aware of it).
The time for dithering is over.
It’s time for an introduction.
That’s me. My name is Tom Bellamy, and I’m an academic neuroscientist at the University of Nottingham in the UK.
It’s good to meet you all as myself at last.
Why now?
Deanonymising is obviously something you can only do once, so a natural question is why now? Well, as I’ve also been trailing for a while, I’ve just finished a new book on limerence – I hope it’s the authoritative modern guide – and it’s just been announced.
That announcement felt like the natural time to officially transition from secret blogger to open professional.
The book will be published in the UK in April 2025, and a little later in the US, and I’ll obviously be mentioning it from time to time, once pre-ordering is up and running.
Promise not to spam too hard.
Other changes coming
One other change I’ve also made is on commenting. I’ve closed comments for the older posts, and going forward will only keep them open on each new post for a few weeks. That should be time for genuine people to share their thoughts, but some protection against the game of whackamole I’ve been playing with the spambots (as a public service announcement, there aren’t any magic spells that have been reliably shown to get your partner back, just in case you were wondering. It’s a scam.).
Looking ahead, I’m going to keep writing about limerence on the blog, of course, but now that I’m “out” I’ll be hitting the podcast scene too.
I plan to keep up the weekly posting schedule, and I’m also going to launch a newsletter that focuses on purposeful living. That’s the long term solution to limerence, but also the long-term solution to living well. Seems like a good open-ended topic to write about into the future.
Thanks
Finally, a huge thanks to everyone in the LwL commentariat and community. It’s been fantastic to see the site grow over the years, and to learn from you all. I’m sincerely grateful for every comment made, and story shared.
While it’s indecorous to have favourites, and there are far too many great contributors to name, I would like to end with a shout out to Limerent Emeritus, Jaideux and Lee. You three got me through an early period of dithering when I was trying to make sense of what the blog was, should be, and could become. I’m not sure any of us realised it at the time, but it proved pivotal, and I’ll always appreciate it. Thanks.
Best till next week,
Tom
Hello Dr. Tom, it is my greatest of pleasure to be able to use your real name !
I’m sure it’s a big moment for you, and the big reveal will open up new avenues for you in future. I can imagine you being a guest on TV shows, Ted talks etc !
Congratulations on the book again and thank you !
Congratulations again, I think it’s fantastic that you finally take credit for your excellent work and your face fits all the intelligent and compassionate posts just right.
Maybe you should consider a sideline in magic spells too, now that you broaden your activity. Could be a fine source of income.
Congratulations Dr. Bellamy!
Please post a reminder when the pre-order option is available. I hope your book reaches a wide audience, is translated into several languages and meanwhile, all of your grant-writing is successful.
All my best.
I really don’t know what to say about the shout-out. It’s not something I’m accustomed to receiving and I’m feeling a little flustered by it. I’m chagrined to admit to a little moisture in my eyes. Must be the damn dust. I’ll go clean now.
May your book be a bestseller.
Great to finally put a face to the name!
I wish you great success!
More irony: LO #4’s, the PsyD, name also starts with “T.”
How weird is that?
Thank you for the kind words.
Dear Tom,
This is a brave and exciting move. Congratulations on all your achievements. You really are living purposefully (I only say this because its nice to be reminded, as I feel that it is so difficult to see and really appreciate this for oneself!).
I think the focus on living purposefully is useful and, as you say, should provide lots of scope for development of more ideas. It is certainly a concept that I continue to struggle with.
Thanks for everything you do.
Glad to meet you Tom, our beloved doctor! I had not formed a picture of you in my mind before, so I’m not disappointed at looking at your picture
for the first time, if you know what I mean. You’re looking good, and I’m not flirting, ha.
I sincerely hope your work gets received and recognized with great enthusiasm from your colleagues and the public in general. Also wishing you a lot of TV shows appearances and TED talks. (We’ll understand if you don’t have enough time for the weekly blog.)
All the best on your future.
What a big week. Hello Dr Tom Bellamy. I cannot underestimate the benefit of this site and the resources and the community you have built. I very much look forward to the podcasts and am very glad to read that you will continue your weekly contributions to this site.
Everything I have experienced has been covered on here in some way or another and it has helped to not feel alone or consumed by this experience.
Thank you and Congratulations!
Delighted to meet you Dr. T.
Huge decision, taken well with great consideration and deliberation.
Limerents of the world are fortunate to have you, as are we non-limerents whose lives have also been so hugely impacted by the big ‘L’.
Purposeful living works for both groups of people.
I’m looking forward to seeing what new doors which will open for you now.
Dr. Tom, it’s good to finally put a face to the name. Looking very forward to the book coming next year. Among other pending changes.
Thank you for this forum and all you do for us crazy Limerents..
Delighted to meet you Dr. T.
Huge decision, taken well with great consideration and deliberation.
Limerents of the world are fortunate to have you, as are we non-limerents whose lives have also been so hugely impacted by the big ‘L’.
Purposeful living works for both groups of people.
I’m looking forward to seeing what new doors which will open for you now.
I haven’t seen you in a while, Kensa. I hope you’re doing well.
Delighted to meet you Dr. T.
Huge decision, taken well with great consideration and deliberation.
Limerents of the world are fortunate to have you, as are we non-limerents whose lives have also been so hugely impacted by the big ‘L’.
Purposeful living works for both groups of people.
I’m looking forward to seeing the new doors which will open for you now.
Thanks all for the support!
Definitely feels weird to be “out”, but I’m also sure it’s the right decision.
I guess I should probably change my avatar 🙂
Many congratulations on coming out, Dr Tom, and continued thanks!
Yes! Dr Tom I think this is great!
You lead this community and by revealing who you are, you encourage others to own what they may have found too shameful to admit. While we owe it to others involved in our stories not to hurt them or share their private details, I do feel that by you having the courage to share your own identity, others may truly realise (by implementing and integrating that knowledge rather than just being aware) limerence is no more shameful than any other addiction. I feel this will have a very positive effect on this community and, I suspect allow others to see for themselves that owning your truth can be exceptionally liberating ❤️🩹 What a change in vibe indeed! 🤩
Congratulations, Dr. Bellamy! I can’t wait to read the work. Looking forward to it 💙
Wow, what a pleasant name and face reveal, Dr. Bellamy! Are you sure you’re not related to Matt Bellamy from the band Muse? 😉
Your name also makes me think of Bowie’s songs where they feature the astronaut, Major Tom, who happens to also struggle with addiction, loves his wife and, at the end of his life, is worshiped by an alien cult. In your case, an international community learning about Limerence together with you.
My silly comments aside, congratulations again on the new book and looking forward to listening to your voice more in the podcast scene.
I’m looking for to those podcasts, Dr Tom Bellamy!
I meant to say that I am looking forward to Dr. Bellamy’s podcasts.
Oh dear Dr.L!
(You will always be Dr. L to me 😄).
I can never thank you enough for being there when I needed a scientific explanation and comfort and community for a phenomenon that had intermittently plagued me for a lifetime and was then holding me in a chokehold.
Each weekly blog felt like a pull on a lifeline helping me escape out of the black hole of Limerence. And the humor! It felt so good to laugh despite the tears!
Your kindness and cleverness shine through that photo, well done.
I look forward to the book and all the new incarnations of LwL. I’m also happy to report that I’ve continued to successfully dodge Limerence in the last few years and it’s entirely due to what I’ve learned from you.
I am forever in your debt!
And I’ll forever live purposefully! 💃🏻
@Jaideux,
I’m so glad you showed up to collect your gong. Because, you know, if you weren’t, I was going to rise miraculously from my sickbed, slap on a full face of pancake make-up, and accept the Oscar on your behalf, Joan Crawford-style. 😆
We could tell everybody I’m you. You just had a really rough week, and couldn’t find your moustache-removal cream. (The cat, um … took it?) 😁
No, seriously, Jaideux, happy to see one of the OGs (Original Glimmerees?) and her legacy not forgotten. 🙂
Congrats Dr. Tom! And I hope this unruly group hasn’t given you too much trouble over the years. 😉
Anyone know why there is no option to reply on so many article pages as of late?
Maybe read the post you are replying to with this message?;)
“One other change I’ve also made is on commenting. I’ve closed comments for the older posts, and going forward will only keep them open on each new post for a few weeks.”
Yes, mentioned above by our beloved Dr L now no longer anonymous, spammers have invaded. Comments are to be closed after a few weeks.
Thank you for uncloaking, and a lovely kind face to go with your name and book too! You will always be Dr L to me and probably a few more in this community. The blog and commenters have been a light and a lifeline to regain my life and…not normality, rather encouraging taking action and finding new pathways. Big hugs!
Dr Tom, I just want to say that you’ve saved my life. Your blog and work on this topic has helped me overcome and understand some of the lowest lows of my life. Thank you so much for all of this, and I hope to be able to support you however I can. Wishing you the best always!
Dr L,
I am more fond of pen names, since they often have meanings. You’ll remain Dr L to me. Also, LwL has served me many times as psychological “medicine”/remedy and you the head herbalist, although I did not always follow proper steps to try them or even resisted them. Still, I’m very grateful that they are available here anytime, nowhere else in the whole world! Some ingredients of remedies are truly potent to my LE ailment and its stubborn symptoms….\
I’m very delighted that your appearance is so unlike that of Dr Kawashima, appeared at least twice in my dreams, but matches so well with your gentle, insightful, empathetic, and humorous voice in your featured articles.
While I’ve been cozily rambling behind my red feather, your “stepping out” has incidentally brought out one of my realistic names (first + middle + last) — entirely and in the same order (hidden in yours)… Therefore, Dr L is even more preferred to me personally….
Congratulations to “Smitten”, I’m looking forward to its final print.
ps. Today is one year anniversary of my appearance in LwL. ☺️ 🐦🔥 !
Thank you, Dr L, for your encouragement of last year; I could not have progressed and grown to where I am now, without stepping out onto LwL stage, gradually voicing out all sorts of stuff, LE related or otherwise, under various costumes and shades of moods…
Happy Anniversary Snowpheonix!
Your post to Mila was beautiful and so wise.
I am really glad that LwL has helped you. Here’s hoping that the next year brings good things your way x
Thank you, Bewitched, for your good wishes and encouragement!
My pep talk to Mila was an attempt to pull myself out of my current “mud” — caught my first covid the night I landed home more than 2 weeks ago and am still fighting its post sleepiness and fatigue, though I have returned to lighter tutoring.
In illness, one tends to feel either negative or depressed; some old resentments/bitterness from the past crept back and left, back and forth; so what Mila feels is quite normal. I was just forcing myself into a cheerful costume on LwL stage, hoping my rambling words could raise myself out of this muddy water sooner…
I pray that the next year, with good lucks and my limited efforts, some brighter light will shine on my solely laborious path more often.
Hello! I haven’t been on here for ages but just got the email newsletter and thought I’d hop on and say thank you for this blog. It really helped me in a horrendous period of limerence last year. I dragged myself through it by reading articles and talking to the lovely people on here, but eventually I felt I needed a break from thinking and talking about it (and I was on a no-contact due to circumstances with LO at the time and also processing the fact that I’d disclosed to SO). I’ve been having psychotherapy which has helped enormously in all areas of my life but there is still a limerence niggle that I can’t quite shift. So I’ll probably pop back now and again ;-).
Anyway, great to ‘meet you’ and thank you for all your hard work.
C is for Cat, it is so good to see you!
Oh thank you 😊. I’m glad you and other regulars are back too
OMG, C for Cat, my LwL Girl, Hello!!
I just gave you a shout-out a few days ago in another thread. I’ve missed you. So good to see your post and glad your doing better.
Come back to the Coffeehouse sometime so we can chat. I finally met someone. Yay!!
Thanks MJ. I’ve been wondering how you were doing. Felt a bit bad for disappearing on you but I needed to have a break from reminding myself about my LO when I was on no contact.
So glad to hear you met someone 😊. I’ll try to catch up with how you and others have been doing but I don’t have a lot of time to spend online atm.
X
I hope you see this, Dr L. I know you shared your disclosure-to-SO experience in the past, but I was under the impression that Mrs. Bellamy only knows that you are a limerent, not that you have been hosting a website about limerence. I would love to hear what happened when you told her about the website.
Mrs. Bellamy,
I want to tell you that I am extremely grateful to your husband for this website. When I found myself unable to stop thinking about a male friend, I was filled with shame. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it and I didn’t know how to rid myself of intrusive thoughts. It was awful. This website and the LwL community got me through some very difficult struggles. I hope someday you can understand how helpful your husband’s website has been to our community. Thank you so much!
„ but I was under the impression that Mrs. Bellamy only knows that you are a limerent, not that you have been hosting a website about limerence.“
I always supposed she knew about this website all the time, since he disclosed and talked it all through, and always speaks up for honesty with SOs.
I guess anyway that she‘s one cool woman.
The coolest. And yes, she’s known since the very beginning what I was up to, and has been supportive throughout.
I count my blessings daily.
She’s even offered to write a guest post now that I’m out. Watch this space 🙂
❤️
I love that idea!
I can’t even begin to explain how helpful stumbling onto this site has been. I remember hearing the term limerence in a random YouTube video and they explained it so poorly that it did not click that this is what I am prone to. I look back now and can say that I have dealt with a few LO in my past, mostly male friends. I grew up with a very distant father who was around physically but not emotionally and I believe my inner child is always searching for a strong male presence to take on that role. My current LO happened in May, I know the exact moment the glimmer took place, the fight or flight rushed through my body and for some reason I am addicted to that warm anxious feeling that those five brain chemicals releasing provide. I went NC with him 4 times in total, this time has stuck for about 6 weeks, although I am constantly looking at social media which he doesn’t post on so it not any new information. Last week I parked outside his apartment for an hour and a half until I realized how “crazy” this was. I realized that my thoughts that he could “fix” everything was the clearest indication that something was wrong. No one can “fix” you. I’m now dealing with my limerent brain trying to convince me that I can in fact have a relationship while still being limerent. I know this is untrue. I will get out of this and all of you can too. It is hard but knowing that it is mostly if not completely a chemical connection and not reality is very comforting. Before knowing the correct word I dubbed it a trauma bond, weird how close I was to the actual truth of what it is. Stay strong.
It’s amazing that someone who went through limerence and came out on the other side would devote so much time, effort, and energy to create and maintain this extensive resourceful website. Most people I think would wan to put their LE behind them. The site has helped me, and despite depressing me at times, it has always been an honest source of information. The community of people are amazing and have read and replied to my stories and comments. Thank you.
Good to see your post Gallant. I hope you’re doing better today. Update us in the Coffeehouse when you have time.
MJ,
We need to take Gallant out for a few pints of Guinness with Adam and anyone else who posts here who’d like to join us.
Seeing the popularity of you gentlemen on this site we may get quite a gathering.
We would however have to decide on which continent to host the drinks night. 🤔
I believe you are correct Grego. Drinks are still on me, wherever we gather..
🍻🤪😜
This website helped me A LOT in the past. It’s been years since I’ve read a post, because I eventually stopped coming here when the limerent episode faded out (after 3 horrible years that felt like a decade). I was happy to receive the newsletter with the disclosure.
For those arriving just now: this guy knows what he’s talking about! Be patient: this, too, shall pass.
Dr Bellamy is very modest. Have a listen to him speaking on the very recent Longing Lab podcast, where he breaks down what limerence is and who is prone to it.
Yes! Thank you Angie for posting this information. I just finished listening to Dr. L on Amanda McCracken podcast: LONGING LAB PODCAST.
Dr L, you’re awesome ! I’m glad you gave us your face reveal and now your voice besides all your wisdom. Now I feel I know you better, as a great valuable friend.
Wishing you more successful interviews. Thanks for all you do for humanity. Be well.
I hope this link works. It is the podcast referenced above.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/neuroscientist-tom-bellamy-aka-dr-l-explains-the/id1606581375?i=1000662842057
I just returned from a camping trip so I can’t listen right now, but I am looking forward to hearing from Dr L aka Dr Bellamy. Thanks for sharing the name of the podcast, Nisor and Angie!
I enjoyed the podcast. Very helpful! I especially liked how you explained how our hormones cause limerence. Thanks Dr L!
I listened to this last night at work. So interesting to listen to the Good Doctor speaking about limerence in real time.
We are so blessed to have someone like him, who is able to break it all down for us like he does.
Thank you Den Mother Lovisa. for posting the link. What a treat it will be if these podcasts continue.
Thanks for posting the link, Lovisa! In all the business of the last week I totally forgot to post about the podcast. I’ll add a quick extra post now.
Thank you Angie for informing us.
I listened this morning when I should have been working 😕, but it was a really great listen!
Lwl feels a bit more real to me since we have a face and voice to Dr L, which weirdly takes this limerence thing a bit ‘outside of my head’ and I’m processing it more in the real world, if that makes sense.
For others on lwl, I also note there in another podcast on the same channel which I will go back and listen to as well ( just not today as I’m at saturation )
“Psychologist Giulia Poerio on limerence and mind wandering”
I had a listen to it too. I felt like I knew what DrL/Tom was going to say in response to most of the questions! Great listen.
Dr L or should I say Dr Bellamy, congratulations on coming out into the light after all these years. I hope this change really propels you forward. The resource and community you have created and curated here is massive to so many of us.
I couldn’t help but smile when Dr Tom started talking. Like an old trusted friend. I enjoyed listening to it. I’m struggling this week and this is a good time for me to hear this.
Hi Dr. L/Dr. Tom,
What’s your preference now? Like others, circling back because of your e-newsletter. Ditto to all of the above comments. So much gratitude for the life preserver, and unwaveringly kind, insightful advice. Great congratulations and best of luck with the book launch. A special thank you for all the cat photos sprinkled throughout your posts (like this) with purrfect effect. Your obvious affection for them warrants high esteem.
Dr. L/Dr. Tom Bellamy,
Thank you for the many years of hard work you put into your blog and also for your patience with some of your more exuberant virtual houseguests. Dorothy Tennov’s book for me was a wonderful starting point to learn about limerence, but the interactive nature of your blog gave me much greater motivation to learn about the condition properly.
May your book be a success and may the wisdom contained therein help many, many people! 🙂
Thank you for introducing yourself and congratulations on the book. I’ll look forward to reading it and listening to your podcast. I am new to this blog and pop in off and on depending on what’s going on. It has been comforting to know I’m not alone. Thank you for making this happen.
Lurker here for the past couple of months.
This blog, and all of the contributors, as well as your book, has been an indispensable resource for what has blindsided me in what I thought was some kind of midlife crisis.
To me, this addiction is so shameful that I don’t even feel comfortable disclosing to a therapist – I’ve been using ai ‘psychology’ to deal with it, as well as mining the archives of this site and finding gems.
So far I think I’m over the worst.
{my personal situation is pretty tame compared to some of the other stories here ~ I’m a happily married guy who’s uncharacteristically fallen to the charms of an ex-colleague, a Tinderella half my age.
Of course I know that it’s so wrong on so many levels.
Yet it feels so right..
Luckily we’re in a possibly permanent NC right now.
Just gotta work on transferring my limerent passions to my SO, as well as living purposefully.}
It’s scary to read how many here have been suffering for years..
I’m very much looking forward to Smitten, and your other future projects.
What you’ve created here is something you can be proud of, and well worth putting your name and face to.
Nice to meet you, Dr L!
Wow! I’ve been away for a while. Good to see you, now Dr. B! And congratulations!
Nice to meet you Tom.
Your blog and very compact and to the point book meant a world to me in the times of despair. Looking forward to read the new one.
I wish you professional succes with the new book. And the podcast. Everything that happened with LWL and the development to being an author on limerence, as well as a podcast author, is the best possible outcome of what once was the great source of your pain, don’t you think?
DG
I’m just seeing this for the first time. I immagined you looked like Dr. Strangelove.
imagined