I generally talk about limerence as runaway reward seeking—as person addiction in the sense of chasing the intoxicating high of the limerent object.
That’s definitely the route into limerence, but the experience changes in the later stages of addiction to another person.
Some people can get stuck in limerence limbo for an extraordinary length of time, and it doesn’t always feel terrible. There is a familiarity and comfort to longing—an emotional security that comes from prioritising a fantasy bond over a real, complicated bond to an actual person.
For other limerents, late-stage person addiction is miserable. It’s characterised by:
- Intrusive thoughts
- Anxiety
- Increased risk taking
- Compulsive behaviour (like social media stalking)
- Withdrawal pains when unable to get contact
- Neglect of self and others
So what’s going on in that case?
How can all these negative symptoms be a consequence of runaway reward?
How can euphoria lead to misery?
It’s about brains again
When an addiciton persists for a long time, several changes set in to the reward system.
First, the motivating drive for reward seeking increases but becomes uncoupled from liking. The desire for LO is more urgent, more intense, and more frequent, but less satisfying.
Second, the executive feedback mechanism is weakened. You want them so much that you lose the self-control that would normally moderate irrational or irresponsible behaviour. Your executive goes on holiday.
Third, while this process of “incentive sensitization” can last a long time, there are compensatory mechanisms that begin to reduce the responsiveness to dopamine. This manifests as tolerance—needing more of the reward to get the same high.
For drugs of addiction, this literally means you need a bigger dose to get the same effect.
For limerence, it typically means an escalation in behaviour that is deisgned to provoke reciprocation—flirting gets more outrageous, hints get more obvious, conversations get more sexualised. All in the hope of getting the same thrill that used to come from a moment of eye contact and a shy smile.
Finally, a critical transition comes when negative reinforcement mechanisms start to overtake the positive reinforcement of pleasurable reward.
This is the stage of addiction when you have developed a dependence. Withdrawal of the stimulus causes pain. Antireward systems in the brain get activated. Stress hormones spike.
These processes involve different neurotransmitters and different brain regions to the runaway excitation of incentive sensitization.
Now, the amygdala gets involved, and releases neuropeptides (corticotropin-releasing factor, and dynorphin) which cause negative reinforcement—abstinence becomes aversive by suppressing pleasure responses and increasing anxiety.
It’s as though your brain has adapted to the state of addiction as the “new normal”, and any deviation from that, for example by attempting to wean yourself off the source of addiction, is experienced as deeply unpleasant.
You’re trapped. The addicition is toxic, but escaping it hurts.
What’s this like for limerents?
Signs that you have gone through this neurobiological change include experiences like:
- Looking at LO’s social media to avoid discomfort, rather than seeking happiness
- Frequent, compulsive urges to make contact with LO
- Feelings of regret after giving into those compulsive urges
- More desperate attempts to provoke a reaction from the LO through boundary crossing behaviour
- A sense of being compelled to seek them rather than excited about being with them
- Feelings of resentment towards LO
- A sense of “learned helplessness” about the possibility of escape
- Anxiety about the effect it is having on your life and other relationships
- The heightened arousal of being around them is no longer exciting, it’s stressful.
Whether you’ll experience this transition into a state of negative reinforcement depends on your personal history and the dynamics of the relationship with LO. It can be more common with a dodgy LO who has encouraged your attachment, but withheld the crucial reciprocation needed to begin the resolution of the limerence, because that makes it hard to withdraw practically and emotionally.
A link with OCD?
Finally, another noteworthy point is that late-stage addiction dominated by negative reinforcement shares much more in common with obessive compulsive disorder than early stage limerence.
I’m generally wary of over-interpreting the overlapping symptoms of limerence with other mental health conditions, but this is one case where the parallels are close.
For OCD, threat and anxiety drive the compulsive rituals that feel necessary to gain some emotional relief.
For early limerence, this isn’t relevant, because it’s overactive reward-seeking that drives the obsessive thoughts and LO-seeking behaviour, but in late limerence the overlap is significant. Temporary anxiety suppression through compulsive behaviour is there in both cases.
It’s possible, therefore, that limerents with OCD might transition to this late stage more quickly, or feel it more deeply, than limerents without OCD.
Finding purpose
There’s only one way out of this mess, and that’s knowingly, conciously accepting what has happened, and making peace with the fact that it’s going to hurt to break the habit.
That’s demoralising, but a way to leaven the pain is to have a positive goal to aim towards.
View the experience as a meaningful trial, a phase that you are passing through and learning a lot about your psychological vulnerabilities, but that it will eventually give way to a new, better future.
Giving up on futile limerence is a loss, but improving your life, finding purpose, and achieving freedom is a much more optimisitic and positive goal to aim for.
Be compassionate to yourself, but on the clear understanding that your resolve to free yourself is absolute.
Don’t see it as a grinding failure, see it as a formative experience.
You’re in the crucible of limerence.
Use the fire to forge a new you.
Okay. So this is a topic I’d really like to comment on, having gone through one full cycle of limerence and survived it. Intriguingly, my take might be slightly more upbeat than Dr. L’s! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even for long-haulers. And things do get better – eventually. 🙂
First up, after going “full circle” with limerence, I’ve found myself in a much more positive headspace in general than I ever believed possible. I’ve made peace with my limerence episode. I’ve forgiven my LO for any real and/or perceived offences. I’ve forgiven myself for “falling so hard for someone” – not that that is actually an offence. I can happily admit my LO was/is an amazing human being – operative word “human”. I don’t have him on a pedestal. I don’t have him in a pit. He’s just a person I found insanely attractive at a certain point in my life.
Having said all that, I don’t want to downplay the pain of withdrawal. Withdrawal from limerence sucks giant rotten dinosaur eggs. During withdrawal, there were times I felt that nothing could take the pain away. There were no effective forms of pain relief I could use to dull the mental agony and no guaranteed distractions, though I tried a lot of things. All I could really do was keep going and wait it out.
During my teen years, I felt really guilty about my limerence – and that was just limerence in its earliest stages! 😲🙄😜 I didn’t feel guilty about behaviour, because there wasn’t any bad behaviour to address. I think it was the “strength of the attraction” that really troubled me. My nervous system was responding too strongly (and involuntarily) to someone and that somehow felt “off” to me – “off” as in “this is something that shouldn’t be happening”.
I have heard that limerence can make some people very demanding toward their LOs. This was never an issue between my LO and me, because I never wished to jeopardise his (probably totally imaginary) high opinion of me. When I say “demanding”, I mean I think the limerent may put a lot of subtle pressure on the LO to explain whether they reciprocate the intense feelings or not. Of course, this question makes no sense to non-limerent LOs, who don’t even understand what they ‘re being asked. I think limerents desperately begging the LO for clarity/closure might be what a tiny number of people mistake for “stalking”.
Does limerence have a link with OCD? Hm. I don’t really know. I think I displayed more OCD symptoms EARLY in my limerence rather than LATER in my limerence, totally upsetting and indeed reversing Dr. L’s theory. (Sorry, Dr. L. Maybe LGBTQIA+ folk really DO experience limerence differently from heterosexuals?) I actually think limerence cured me of any OCD tendences I may have had, because it taught me to “go with the flow”. But, then again, as a left-handed man as well as a gay man, I have apparently done everything in life back-the-front! 😁
It’s so much easier for me to relate to males now that my reward system isn’t in a constant state of overarousal. For example, the other day I was having my hair cut by this gorgeous young barber, and he got the edge of his trimmer caught in my left nostril. He was really worried he hurt me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, sir. Are you still alive? Blink twice if you’re still alive.” I pretended to be upset, but in truth I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t say anything, but I wanted to say the following: “Yes. I’m fine. I really do enjoy the strange eroticism of having random hairdressing implements shoved up my nose. It’s the most action I’ve gotten in twenty years.” 🤣🤣🤣
The crazy highs go away. The horrible lows go away. Limerence really is an altered state. I don’t think it’s wise to build one’s whole identity around something fleeting – a very powerful but ultimately temporary illusion. 🙂
“Withdrawal from limerence sucks giant rotten dinosaur eggs”
👏 true true true
Sammy says: “Withdrawal from limerence sucks…”
Done says: “👏 true true true”
It does. And for people who have truly hit that stage of limerence (total addiction/dependency on LO and LO has fled the scene and isn’t coming back e.g. denying all responsibility, followed by ghosting), one might as well map out a huge chunk in one’s diary called Feeling Terrible Indefinitely Without Respite.
During this difficult time, one might as well adopt the following stoic view because it is a true view. “Okay. I accept I’m going to feel terrible for the next X number of weeks, months, years, or whatever. I’m going to feel terrible until I’m out of withdrawal, and no longer crave LO.”
Limerence is an addiction is the sense that first we may do it, i.e. seek contact with LO, to feel intense pleasure (euphoria). Then we have to do it, i.e. seek contact with LO, simply not to feel bad. That puts a lot of pressure on an unwitting LO. It may even be unpleasant for a fully complicit LO.
Is the suffering people experience in late-stage limerence simply hysteria? No. It’s far worse than hysteria. It’s becoming a member of the living dead, and then feeling guilty about becoming a member of the living dead. It’s becoming a zombie because one’s most cherished dream of love has come to what feels like a premature end – and an end that the author of said dream had no control over, because the other person silently said “no” (after doing everything humanly possible to feed into the shared fantasy).
You will never feel as bad as you do as when you’re in withdrawal. People say limerence withdrawal isn’t as hard as drug withdrawal. People say limerence withdrawal isn’t deadly like drug withdrawal. People lie. People are wrong. Depending on the severity of the dependency, withdrawal from limerence in my experience can be deadly due to suicidal ideation and things like that, which people may act on. But knowing that one is in actual chemical withdrawal from a person (or from an ambiguous association with a person)- that can immensely help to explain the level of pain.
During an extremely delicate juncture in my limerence, (I was teetering on the brink of a complete breakdown), I had a heterosexual male friend. He wasn’t my LO. But he did witness me in a strange, altered, elevated, spaced-out, “unhinged” state of mind. He was non-limerent. Being a bit of a blunt young man, he told me he thought something was amiss.
I’m not a quarrelsome person by nature. But I quarrelled with this chap – one of my dearest friends – as much as I quarrel with anyone. Looking back, I feel so embarrassed. I feel embarrassed because I realise I demonised an innocent man in the same way some people in limerence demonise their own spouses. For daring to criticise my limerence, I thought this chap was insane. But this chap was merely pointing out the obvious – something was amiss. I was indeed in an altered state and behaving in an increasingly erratic manner. The cherry on the cake? This chap was the sibling of my LO! And no, he didn’t share my exalted opinion of his older brother! 🤣
People here in the early stages of limerence like to give Dr. L (and other specialists like him) a hard time. They want to believe he’s deliberately spoiling all their fun, or taking the magic out of romance. But no. Dr. L is actually one of the most compassionate people you’ll ever likely to meet.
I really enjoyed this article, although I feel at a loss to compose any kind of intelligent response.
Much of it I can’t identify with–no social media, no outrageous behavior that I regretted later, mostly ignoring my own urges to contact LO. The urges are there, but they aren’t terribly powerful, and I am able to control them.
Having said that, the longing and the intrusive thoughts are an issue.
I have been counting on LO to be unpleasant enough to drive me away. I saw him the other night and he was especially nice, so that sets me back.
It’s not fair of me to expect LO to cure me of my limerence by being a jerk.
Lots of food for thought here. Thank you, Tom.
I am a fortnight into no contact and feeling pretty miserable. It was actually finding this site and reading posts that made me realise what was happening.
There was a boy I knew when we were 17, not much happened and we both put it down to us being quiet and shy. We did try dating and sleeping together but neither really worked out.
We stayed friends and wrote letters when I went away to Uni but when I got engaged my OH asked me to break contact and I did. I never forgot him though and certain songs would remind me of him, in a friend way though!
More than 20 years later he emailed me having found me on FR. We quickly began an intense email exchange which continued up to a fortnight ago. For quite a while we flirted, we met twice in the first 3 years – only for a drink – then once at a hotel with the intention of sleeping together – which was a bit of a disaster.
At this point he withdrew a bit, still friendly emails but he stopped flirting. And that’s how it’s been.
He’s been in a serious relationship for almost 10 years and the news that they were getting married was the incentive I needed to end it. I’d already read a lot on here and recognised myself in so much of it. The thrill of his name in my inbox, the pushing questions trying to get him to admit he felt something for me, the writing in my head of his replies (which were obviously never what he actually wrote).
The marriage thing made me realise just how dependent I was on the thought that maybe one day he’d come to his senses and realise that it was me he wanted. On the thrill of him actually wanting to be in contact with me.
I did email and tell him that I was breaking off contact. I was tempted to tell him about limerence but tbh I feel a bit ashamed that I’ve let this totally one sided and in my head ‘relationship’ drag on for so long. I told him that now he was getting married and therefore was convinced that he wanted to spend the rest if his life with his partner I was uncomfortable with how I feel about him.
I know it’s early days but he’s on my mind all the time. The wedding was last week and in my head I’d written a dozen responses to the message in which he ‘sent me a photo of himself dressed up handsomely’ – but of course that message never came. The next trial is xmas when he would almost always message me on xmas day. I know he won’t but 1% of me is thinking that he might.
I’m glad to know from others that things will settle down. But please can that day come quickly!!!
To Sue:
I can’t advise you on the settling down, because I am not there yet.
I just wanted to acknowledge your message and to wish you luck.
If neither of you messages the other, hopefully your recovery will be swift.
I need to dig deep and find some strength.
For some reason, I am struggling more than usual today. Maybe because Christmas is coming and I get very emotional this time of year. Regardless, I KNOW that LO is not the person to turn to at a time like this.
I know from experience that LO has zero idea how to comfort me in times of emotional turmoil. I need to comfort myself. Deep breaths and meditation.
Dear Norma,
I am sorry to hear of your struggles.
I am having a similar experience, in that sad feelings are returning, epsecially with respect to LO. I am finally accepting, just maybe, that things are never going to unfold according to my fantasy. I also cannot hope to form a lesser version of the fantasy, which is to just have a platonic friendship. Time to acccept reality, which is so hard. Just so impossibly hard.
Still struggling with the ultimate task of finding purpose — eighteen months in therapy, and six months on this great site. I am taking tiny steps, but not sure I am moving at all. Such a steep hill to climb.
Just remember, Norma, that many of us are also struggling; we can all hold hands together.
To CatCyclist:
Thank you so much for your kind words.
LO is really no comfort at all in difficult times. He’s not the person I imagined him to be.
I don’t know why I keep wishing he was different.
I wish we all lived close and could have group meetings.
Norma,
“I wish we all lived close and could have group meetings.”
I do, too. I’d like to go to “da club” and get some drinks and dance. Seriously.
To Marcia:
Oh, wouldn’t that be fun?
I am just grateful that we have the internet.
Not so many years ago, this would not have been possible.
ND,
“Oh, wouldn’t that be fun?”
It’ll never happen, but we can dream. 🙂
“I’d like to go to “da club” and get some drinks and dance. Seriously.”
“It’ll never happen, but we can dream. 🙂”
Marcia Dear,
You’re just hoping to meet me in person finally, so you can put a face to the name. Make fun of my old a$$. I’d try not to disappoint. Even though historically it always seems to happen..
All good because it’d be nice to meet you anyway.
I’ve always wanted to dance with Janeane Garafolo.. 😂
Mom, Dad here’s a song to dance to. (Yes I’m drunk. I know big surprise.) Don’t be too mad at me Dame Marcia. Though Brother I don’t think she’d take kindly to “groove me momma” 🙄
Groove Me — King Floyd
https://youtu.be/5DlsfUinzwA?si=uAoDCrmcbvp9tJRe
MJ,
“You’re just hoping to meet me in person finally, so you can put a face to the name.”
I want to hang out with Norma and Snow. I just want you there to bring us fresh drinks. 🙂
Adam,
“Mom, Dad here’s a song to dance to. (Yes I’m drunk. I know big surprise.) Don’t be too mad at me Dame Marcia. ”
I think I’ve asked you about 5 times not to call me Mom. And you keep doing it. I don’t want to be your mother. Or anyone’s mother. Or certainly not anyone’s mother if MJ is attached as the father. 🙂
“I just want you there to bring us fresh drinks. 🙂”
“Or certainly not anyone’s mother if MJ is attached as the father. 🙂”
Marcia
Proving again I’m good for nothing.
Happy Holidays everyone.. 🎄😆
Adam,
Thanks for the King Floyd.
That ones on LOs playlist..
But I must add I think its time for you to go to bed. You don’t want to make Mother Marcia mad do you? She might tell Santa not to come visit you.. 😂
Wow, I haven’t heard that song in years!
Thank you for that lovely blast from the past.
Dr. L,
Some more feedback…
I noticed you commented on my “How Addictive is Your LO” results. I didn’t read your comment, just as I skip over a lot of things. I’m not lazy or ill-mannered. I actually felt too frightened to read your comment. I know you’re a good man and that you’d never intentionally say anything to hurt someone’s feelings. However, even though I’m more or less safely out of limerence, the whole experience still seems to be shot through for me with the most exquisite feelings of shame.
In some ways, I feel like a wild animal with an injury. I don’t want to let any humans near enough to inspect the injury – or, even worse, to put some kind of ointment or dressing on the injury. I’d rather be crippled for life than let anyone administer to my “permanent open wound”. which limerence seems to be.
Also, as an INFJ, I like to be in an emotional one-up position with people. In other words, I like to be the one giving love and not the one receiving love. I like to be the one helping and not the one receiving help. I like to play the wise counsellor, the brilliant observer, the clever tactician, etc, etc. This isn’t malicious behaviour on my part. But I seem to be … unable to let anyone in. Maybe because I don’t trust anyone to show the level of sensitivity I would show in the exact same situation. It’s lonely being a male who’s also a hyper-empathic genius who’s also frequently hiding the fact he’s a hyper-empathic genius. 🤣🤣🤣
The good news is that between you and Lucy Bain and Fenna, I’ve pierced together enough general information about limerence to kind of make sense of my own limerent episode. The really funny thing about Lucy is that when I was still in limerence, her writing style seemed opaque to me. But then, as soon as I was out of limerence, her writing style became clear as day. What’s the good of info about limerence if said info is only intelligible to people who have already recovered from limerence? (No shade to Lucy or any other writers on the topic, of course).
It seems to me that when I was in limerence, my brain was highly-alert, but also incredibly confused. Now that I’m out of limerence, my brain seems to be less alert but also free of confusion. I’m sure I must appear to be “slow” or “dull” or “deliberately dense” to people still riding the crazy Hawaiian surf of infatuation.
Your own personality, Dr. L, is also somewhat confusing to people. For example, in your writing, you can come across as quite severe, and even puritanical. However, in your videos, a completely different man emerges. We meet a man who’s friendly and easy-going, with an almost comical desire to help people. But there’s nothing comical about your expertise, because you definitely know your stuff.
I kid around with you a lot, Dr. L, because, as an INFJ male myself, I think I understand something intrinsic to the mind of INFJ males. I’m sorry if such joking around is inappropriate in a public setting. (What I’m really trying to say here is this: I know INFJ males aren’t as intimidating as their moral code and their mental acumen and their language skills often suggest. But I also know INFJ males like and need to be treated at all times with the utmost respect – a respect commensurate with the positive contribution they often make to the world).
If you’re looking for new words to describe LOs, I’ve found two that may make you laugh. One is “magnolious” (magnificent) and the other is “splendacious” (splendid). You’ve got to keep up with Millennial and Generation Z lingo, my friend. Or you could just do what some LwLers do and invent your own. Do you know how many people despise you for introducing the word “paramour” back into conversational English? And don’t even get me started on “smitten”! 😉
To Sammy:
You did come up with the word “strumpet” once, which I liked very much.
I guess I count as a long-term limerent, as it’s nearly 5 years since I met LO. He still seems new and exciting, although my husband still felt new and exciting until then, and we’ve been together 25 years. I really do love my husband deeply, and only want to be with him. It’s damn confusing how another man can cause me to feel this way.
For the past few months I haven’t seen LO as regularly as previously, just because our weekly timetables don’t seem to overlap as much. The last couple of times I have spent time in his company, it’s affected me for a few days until my executive brain kicks in and I start to feel more normal again. I don’t know whether that’s because seeing him less means that the times I do see him affect me more, or simply because I’m more able to notice and appreciate the periods of calm lucidity in between, whereas previously my brain was in a permanent altered state.
I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I try to avoid him even further? It’s not possible every time, and other times it’s difficult. Next time his family invites us to a party at his house, do I hastily book tickets for my family to do something else at the same time and tell them that we’re not available due to a prior engagement? I somehow can’t bear to do that, although I realise that is part of the problem! Or do I accept that these blips are part of the process but have confidence that progress is happening and I’ll be free soon? (These questions are for myself. I am not expecting definitive answers.)
To Miss Cloud:
I know you didn’t ask for advice, but it sure sounds awkward for you to book tickets elsewhere to avoid LO. Seems like that might make the situation worse?
Just my two cents.
It does seem like a silly thing to do now, doesn’t it? No, I just continue as I am and accept that progress, while slow, is going in the right direction. Now it’s been a few days I’m fine again. But for a couple of days after an encounter I wring my hands and wonder what I should be doing differently.
I just learned something about myself today.
I was at a busy supermarket. I was in the Floral Department and was admiring some giant Grinch balloons. The florist told me that she was marking them down from $15.00 to $3.15, and if I wanted one, I should grab it, because they would be gone within minutes at that price.
I looked at the big Grinch balloon and decided I didn’t feel that LO was worth $3.15.
I was surprised that I felt that way. Sure enough, by the time I finished my shopping, the balloons had been snapped up by other customers.
Good work!
I hope you get something nice for Christmas, (not from LO), that is worth more than $3.15. If I could, I think I would find the most colourful, outrageous item of clothing and get it for you. x
To Miss Cloud:
Thank you so much. I don’t believe that Santa will bring me anything, but I appreciate your kind thoughts more than you could know.
Just being here among kindly people like you is more than I could hope for.
What’s strange for me is my long-term limerence is actually for three separate LOs. Over the last six years, I’ve went right from LO #1 to LO #2 to LO #3. I experienced transference twice, and it seems odd that my only way out of this since I finally realized my marriage is dead is by transferring my feelings to another LO. Has anyone else experienced this?
What’s strange about my three LOs is they are all very different women. All are fairly conventionally attractive, but they are all different physical types, and my relationship to all three was different. LO #1 was basically a stranger. LO #2 was a good friend (who has subsequently moved on from our friend group and no longer hangs out with me), and LO #3 is an acquaintance who is bordering on becoming a friend (but always seems to be holding back on me in that regard because I suspect her morals are stopping her from doing so; nevertheless, we get along very well). Another interesting thing is LO #1 is a few years younger than me, but LO #2 and LO #3 are a few years older than me (although LO #3 does not look her age at all and LO #2 is pretty young looking for her age too).
The only one I really think would be a good fit for a serious relationship would be LO #3. This one feels a little less difficult to deal with. I’m not sure why, but it might be because I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my marriage, and I think there might be a spark on her end too. I tried going no contact, but I went and messaged her and asked her to join our group chat, so she is back in my life in a very small way. I don’t feel too badly. Even though I should have tried to get over her, given my situation I actually don’t want to get over her. There are women who have shown me totally obvious signs of interest, and I am not so delusional or pompous to think I have a good chance with this woman when my marriage ends, but I really don’t think the probability is zero. I look upon her as a very low risk and potentially high reward longshot investment like buying a lottery ticket. Sure, I might have a 1% chance of ever being with her, but I think the prize is so amazing that I’m willing to at least keep her on the back burner just in case I do have a chance someday (I do not think I am being unfair to her because she isn’t putting her life on hold for me, nor would I want her to do that). I recognize there are other women who are showing definite signs of interest, so I do think I could meet someone even if it isn’t LO #3. Still, I really like her but recognize it is possible to like more than one person at a time. I try to keep myself grounded, and I think I’m managing the limerence a bit better than I was, even if I did recently cave and re-establish contact with her (it’s a complicated and long story).
So, I guess I am just stating that long-term limerence doesn’t have to be with the same person (even though I am about 19 months into the limerence with LO #3, which is long enough). I also think every LO and every LE is going to be a bit different, even for the same person experiencing limerence. Some are frankly more all-consuming, sad and bleak. This current LE seems to be the most upbeat of the three for some reason.
This thread is super interesting for me to read right now. I’m someone who came through a 25-year on-and-off episode (the LO’s dwindling and eventually non-existent engagement, and his slow transformation for the worst in the current political climate, burst my bubble a couple years ago, and even the memories have been getting more stale and embarrassing in retrospect ever since). Then I had a new recent glimmer that has not been reinforced of late, so it almost feels like a spot of temporary insanity. All that to say, at this moment, I am not feeling very limerent at all.
Which means I am sitting here examining how that feels. Rather banal and uninspiring, I suppose, but I’m okay, and I know it’s time to apply myself to something creative soon.
I think my overall message here is positive – it is possible at least for some folks to have a limerent episode age into something that is low-grade and manageable (even if less than pleasant)… and after a time it may even become something you learn to mentally avoid due to its negative associations, until you find it growing smaller and smaller. I realize the possibility of this happening varies a lot with one’s individual circumstance, but – just one testimonial.
And how strange is this lucidity that sets in once one is no longer inflamed…
I have to acknowledge though, that the potential for this to happen again is still inherent in my personality.
To AlxD:
Your post inspires me. I hope my limerence doesn’t last much longer, but I enjoyed hearing your story of recovery.
I realized that I was secretly hoping to hear from LO over Christmas, and was very disappointed when he was MIA. My goal of course is to become indifferent. Not there yet.
I am glad! And, one bit at a time, it is a slow process. Def congratulate yourself for small victories.
I do feel especially for you in these threads sometimes… my LO was mostly into men, with a few exceptions, and over time has been revealed as increasingly shallow and impressed by the worst sorts of power abuse. This was once almost a fetish for me (sorry if TMI), but thankfully I am starting to find it suitably repulsive. <3
I should also note that “limerence limbo” pretty accurately describes what I was in for years prior to my present state. And yes, it was often pleasant. I recognized that my imaginary companion was a highly idealized version of the person. But I didn’t shame myself for that. I started telling myself, I’m in love with a concept, so what? I suppose that could have gone a different way, but thankfully, for me, this was the beginning of the upswing.
“even the memories have been getting more stale and embarrassing in retrospect” YES!
The fuel supply runs out eventually. Starve it however you can. Feed it, and it grows. Block the sunlight or the sunlight gets cut off another way, and it will wither. There is some choice in all of this in addition to circumstances beyond our control. Then go plant some stronger, healthier, and more beautiful flowers!
I LOVE this!
The idealization is probably the hardest thing to let go of. We want LO to be what we want her to be. But she is not. But maybe someday she will? She’ll be that person that lives inside my head. Maybe she will reach out to me one day. Maybe she will come back to the job. That wonderful, perfect woman that she is. I still idealize her. Make excuses why in 3 1/2 years she’s never reached out to me when she knows how to. I may not necessarily be limerent per say. Or maybe I am justifying within my head that I just would like to enjoy her company again on a healthy co-worker basis? What and when can she do something that will shatter my idealization of her?
Yep, it’s tough. Some of them, though they don’t live up to our fantasies, are still great people. Just happens that mine wasn’t.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still (occasionally, and less passionately these days) fantasize about mine somehow having a proverbial “come-to-jeebus” moment, getting out of the mind cult he’s in, telling me he still loves me (platonically) as he actually did say to me many years ago, and that he’s sorry for trying to use me… but even that power fantasy is losing its luster. I really am getting to the point where I have enough going on that I simply don’t care. And, this may honestly be the first time I’ve said that last part to anyone.
I have been reflecting on my time with LO this past weekend. I thought at first that I hadn’t done myself any harm, but I am reconsidering that now.
Our visit was pleasant, fun even, but the minute he leaves, he’s off on other adventures, and I am left ruminating.
I have been thinking about him more than I would like to, and I probably should spend less time with him.
When we have fun together, I just want to be with him more, and it simply isn’t possible. It’s not good for me to be thinking about this so much.