Limerence has been described as a cross between OCD and addiction. This is a useful simplification in many ways, because limerence is characterised by obsessive, intrusive thoughts, and we can get so hooked on the natural high that comes from being with LO that it transitions to an unhealthy craving.
Less helpfully, this description invites comparisons with other mental or behavioural disorders – sex addiction, love addiction, obsessive love disorder – that actually differ from limerence in important ways. A good example of this issue is relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD).
At first sight, ROCD seems a tailor-made description of limerence. Obsessive preoccupation with the romantic relationship to the exclusion of other concerns, frequent intrusive thoughts about the romantic partner, problems regulating mood, and an intellectual understanding that the obsession is irrational, but extreme difficulty in resisting it.
In actual fact, ROCD is almost the opposite of limerence, and therefore highlights some important differences in the neuroscience of OCD and limerence.
The obsessions of ROCD
Like classical OCD, ROCD is defined by distressing thoughts that intrude into your mind and make you feel awful. This is coupled to a compulsion to perform mental or physical rituals that give fleeting relief. The big difference from limerence, is that the thoughts are negative – fears and anxiety about the quality of the relationship or the qualities of the partner, or that something you do or say could jeopardise your bond.
Here are some of the typical intrusive thoughts for ROCD:
- Do I really want to be with this person, or could I find someone better?
- I know I love them, but why doesn’t it feel more special?
- Why am I not happier with them?
- I don’t think they are good-looking enough for me, but I know that is shallow
- They say they love me, but what if they are lying?
The compulsions that follow such intrusive thoughts are things like:
- Constantly seeking reassurance that your relationship is good (from other people or from your partner)
- Comparing your partner to other people (to try and rank their attractiveness)
- Comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships
- Feeling you must confess your doubts (often repeatedly)
Unsurprisingly, there can be a self-fulfilling prophesy to this condition – few relationships can survive so much doubt and uncertainty.
This is almost a mirror image of limerence. Fundamentally, ROCD thoughts tend to be based around anxiety, insecurity or fear. Limerence can involve these emotions, but usually only after the limerent has transitioned from euphoria to addiction. Fear for limerents is not about how appealing LO is, but about the prospect of losing contact with them.
With ROCD, your brain seems to be prodding you to feel fear and anxiety about your partner or relationship.
The obsessions of limerence
Limerence, especially in the early stages, is characterised by reward – feelings of euphoria, excitement and connection that are intoxicating. These feelings can certainly sour, but usually due to guilt, insecurity, a toxic LO, or any of the many causes of barriers and uncertainty that mean you can’t jump into ecstatic union.
This is why I think the person addiction idea is so useful for understanding limerence. There is a reason we get addicted, because it feels good at first, but then it slowly transitions to a state of dependency and involuntary craving. That’s when the intrusive thoughts begin, but these too have a markedly different character to ROCD. Typical limerent intrusive thoughts are:
- I must check their Facebook/instagram/twitter for updates
- Where are they now, and what are they doing?
- What would they think of this book/movie/place?
- Reliving previous meetings (good or bad)
- Rehearsing future meetings to try and plan a way to get them to reveal how they feel
There may be anxiety underlying some of these urges, but the thoughts themselves aren’t usually directly distressing. It’s like your brain is trying to prod you to return your attention to LO, rather than conjuring a fearful or upsetting thought to unsettle you.
It’s emotionally taxing to not be able to turn off the relentless mental nagging, but it isn’t the same as being assailed by an irrational fear.
What does the neuroscience tell us?
What this illustrates is that limerence and ROCD almost certainly have different causes in the brain. Despite some common elements to the symptoms, the conflicting nature of the intrusive thoughts suggest that healthy brain function has been disrupted in different ways.
Limerence is all about hyperactive reward and motivation circuits. Like other addictions, the compulsive behaviour comes from an excessively powerful craving for something, even if that something is not good for you. This can be thought of as excessive motivational drive that is hard to resist, which is triggered by dopamine-releasing neurons in the brainstem.
ROCD is all about hyperactive fear circuits in the amygdala, causing an excessive anxiety response to what should be relatively trivial concerns.
In both cases, there can be an additional failure of executive control, which is probably a more serious problem in OCD (in all its forms) than in limerence, but clearly fear and motivation are fundamentally different drives with different neurobiological foundations. There are complex interactions, of course, because all feelings provoke additional feelings (like when you are married and feel ashamed of the fact that you are elated when LO smiles at you), but the initial cause of the intrusive thought is unlikely to originate in the same brain regions for the two conditions.
This means that the strategies for coping with the two conditions should also differ. For limerence you want to turn down the reward/motivation drive by going no contact, reprogramming the association between LO and reward, and lessening arousal. For OCD you want to habituate to the anxiety, by carefully exposing yourself to the sensation until you start to learn that the feared terrible outcome doesn’t actually come true.
Running from an LO can help a limerent regain perspective, running from an OCD fear can make it loom ever larger. You need a carefully tailored response.
Analogies are useful starting points for understanding our problems, but they can also lead us astray if we only look at the surface details. There are lots of different ways that brains can go a bit wrong. Unfortunately.
I have both ROCD and Limerence. This is the best description of how they differ I’ve come across. This is the core challenge for therapists as they don’t understand Limerence, so tend to group them together as they are both obsessive, but like you say, treatment is polar opposites. What I would say in my own experience of both, is that although I’ve had OCD for years on and off with different themes, the ROCD can be tracked back to early experience of love. My first love was a holiday romance with fireworks when I was 16, then she visited when I was 18. Obviously it wasn’t real love like what I have with my wife and family now 37, but the fact I never quite felt that rush with my current partner is a source of my ROCD now. My first and only LE that started 2 years ago is for an LO that looks and shares a lot of the girls traits I met when I was 16, which I why I have become limerent for her. Basically my warped experience of love and that type of girl at 16 is the root cause of both my ROCD and Limerence. At he minute I feel Like I’m trapped in a tunnel with Limerence on one side and ROCD on the other. It’s horrible.
P.S I’d say Limerence is worse than ROCD, because at least with OCD you can get proper counselling. There isnt much proper help out there for limerence, bar his blog which is a massive help/life line so thanks.
Mr. J,
“I’d say Limerence is worse than ROCD, because at least with OCD you can get proper counselling”
I agree. I had to show my psychologist this website. She had never even heard of the term limerence. It kind of defeats the purpose if you have to educate the person who is supposed to be helping you and doesn’t inspire confidence in the therapeutic process.
@Marcia. That is tough – I feel for you.
“It kind of defeats the purpose if you have to educate the person who is supposed to be helping you and doesn’t inspire confidence in the therapeutic process.”
Thanks for your comment, Mr J. Great to have your insight on how the two states interact (but tough for you…)
When I first read about ROCD I did wonder if the “are they good enough?” thoughts were from limerents who had found a good partner that they didn’t feel the glimmer for. I guess there is an element of that in your story – that your 16 year old first limerent experience kind of set false expectations about what love should feel like.
I doubt that’s the root for most people with ROCD, but interesting that it matches your experience.
Fascinating!
I reckon someone with ROCD would make a powerful LO, what with all the uncertainty they generate.
Yes, good point, Allie. You’d be in a constant state of wondering whether the confessions of worrying about the relationship were real or a ritual (assuming you even knew your LO had ROCD).
I suppose the one point for optimism is that if your LO has ROCD for you, it assumes you are actually in a relationship with them. That, at least, should lessen some of the limerence insecurity – if only temporarily.
I just called a therapist yesterday to finally do something about my horrible limerance – going on 25 years, but now becoming unbearable – and described it as a combination of ocd and person addiction. Hoping the therapist will understand, but this post is timely and helpful! Any chance there is some sort of list of experienced limerance therapists available, jic?
But here’s a thought.
What about the limerent who chases/is infatuated… catches their LO… then is faced with the reality that actually now the uncertainty has vanished the relationship isn’t what they thought. Suddenly they see ‘flaws’ (in their opinion) that they’d been in complete denial of during the LE.
I know it’s awful, and it must look really narky but it happens doesn’t it?
That has been my most recent LE experience. Suddenly getting ‘what you want’ and then that mad glimmer snuffing quickly out.
Going from hanging on every word to suddenly noticing… ‘he’s a bit whiny, he watches drag race too much and I said I’d get into it but I just, I just can’t… and actually he doesn’t really do xyz.. etc. Etc.’
…and of course when it inevitably implodes uncertainty rockets and I’m desperate to give it another go and mystified that LO doesn’t get this is all part of some cosmic dance we need to work through… because you know. It’s just so US?
Except obviously not helped by LO completely ghosting me at this point… and I don’t blame him, really.
Thomas,
I wish my LO had fully reciprocated. He did initially, then backed off. The uncertainty over, I would have been over it quickly, I believe.
Hi Beth.
That’s what was tough with recent LO. My LE ended rapidly and I was suddenly plagued with uncertainty and worry rather like the article here outlines. Though tbf in many ways we were a poor match anyway – so my doubts were/are reasonable. But my limerence kicked back in once we decided to give being ‘friends’ a try… fell into a frustrating FWB situation… with painful breaks (at my end, I think he’d adapted fairly well). But actually I’m doing better lately. It’s been 6 weeks since he ghosted me, and its actually been very positive… painful but fingers crossed final.
How about when one’s LO has an extensive sexual relationship with you then vanishes (true story) so I guess my version of ghosting. It is excruciatingly painful. That’s when my own limerance (going strong on 4 years) has started! Talk about the worst possible scenario? I was tossed to the side by most likely another sex buddy? But oh the wondering why. I have certifiable Ocd so i know my disorder “simply” (undermining the severity of the mental anguish here!) hooked into this and wouldn’t let go. A “normal” person would have felt hurt for a bit but would also move on quickly. I have been obsessing over the whys for years. If he only knew… and I’m so glad he doesn’t for I would be regarded as absolute mental case. The loneliness of this experience has destroyed my life.
@Anxious_Soul. That sounds like a very unpleasant situation all-round. No one likes to feel used. Do you think your brain interpreted the sexual relationship as emotional reciprocation and that’s why you’re stuck in limerence now?
Yes, I perceived the experience as an emotional connection (there were many signs) but when the rug was pulled, I felt betrayed, used and questioned reality. To add insult to injury, my version of “disclosure” included a revelation that there was an accidental pregnancy (by Lo) but I’ve shared that with him many months after the fact (obviously did not result in a baby) and that’s when instead of any kind of emotional support, I was officially ghosted. I will forever wonder until the day I die, if that information have any affect on his life at all. I’m guessing he must have felt relieved because he never wanted children but aside from it, crickets. If I had gone through with it, I would have now a 2 year old. Sometimes I take out a bottle of whiskey, drink and cry myself to sleep. My experience with limerance has brought so much pain to my life.
@Anxious_Soul. Your experience sounds very painful. Clearly, this fellow wasn’t looking for any kind of commitment. But he didn’t seem to communicate that to you either in an upfront way, which could have saved you an awful lot of heartache and wasted time.
I’ve met a few men like your LO. I think they used to be called “emotionally unavailable” in books specially written for women navigating the choppy waters of late twentieth-century romance. I have no idea what “emotionally unavailable” men/people are called nowadays? Are they classified as “avoidants” maybe?
It’s always very painful to be ghosted by someone. It’s sad that physical closeness with someone doesn’t automatically translate into emotional closeness. It’s especially difficult if you feel you acted in good faith towards a sexual partner. The feelings of betrayal can be pretty intense, and the self-recriminations after.
I don’t have anything about the post, other than strongly relating to my therapist not understanding the problem, (she thinks I’m repressing my feelings by trying to get over this.) But I wanted to say I returned to work this week after months off for a suicide attempt to find that there had been a restructuring while I was out. My coworker LO is now my boss LO. I really don’t want to leave my job, but I guess I just have to lose that too now. I don’t even have any tears left.
Ada, so sorry!!
How absolutely awful.
Can you transfer to another job within the company or to a different work site?
Can human resources department help you?
Hang in there! Things really do eventually get better even though it seems like they won’t. I’m living proof. And many others on this site.
Ada,
I am so sorry.
Limerence can do serious damage. I understand. Suicidal thoughts were with me often for months. I didn’t want to do that to my children, especially my daughter. I sometimes think an immediate reason I didn’t go forward was because of my dog. Who would take care of her, I thought.
I send you good thoughts.
One day, one moment at a time as you heal and go forward.
Oh no, I had no idea suicidal thoughts are/were the reality for some of you. It sounds as the underlining cause should be depression. Just another byproduct of this nightmare, huh? I still have desire to live but I am the first one to raise my hand and acknowledge that LE has ruined my emotional life and any possibility of real dating. At 40 something, I have been eternally wounded. Never again.
Yes Ada, if your LO has become your boss, you need to get the fʌk out NOW! Just sayin.
If you need any examples why, you can go look at my replies to earlier posts. I don’t know if there is a way to search replies from specific individuals on this blog, however.
I can relate to both issues: limerence and ROCD. I have been in a relationship for 12 years, which I regularly question and doubt about, and I highly suspect it’s due to ROCD, because it does match with every known symptoms, including those being described in this article. Before to start this long-term relationship I used to be a serial limerent (but I wasn’t aware of the limerence concept back then, I really thought it was genuine and super strong love), and , despite lots of very bad episodes with my partner, it refrained me from falling limerent to somebody else. Though, since the feelings to my current partner never felt as powerful as those I had for the various LOs I met before, it has always reinforced the doubts I had about this relationship, but still, a balanced lifestyle had helped preserving a fairly good balance (something we are working a lot on, especially me, since we have children, otherwise I would have broken up for a long time, just out of being tired of so many questions and bad trips, and same for my partner). However, the current situation ( covid, lockdown, etc…) has kind of broken this balance, which made me fall back into limbos of limerence ( Dr L, if you read this comment, that might ring a bell: the cashier, Tesco, etc… 😉 I’ll send you an email to tell you about the outcome of that story) , after 10+ years of stability. After 3 or 4 months, I eventually managed to drag me out of the full blown limerence state and get sober (still sensitive if I run accidentally into my LO, but otherwise, no more crave, no more intrusive thoughts), which makes me back to my normal life, but somehow, even though I don’t care much about the LO, I am questioning my relationship more than ever. The point of this message, in addition to share my experience, was to address this: I think ROCD can lead to limerence (for different persons of course). But overall, ROCD feels soooooooooooooooo much easier to cope with than limerence. Anyway, thanks a lot Dr L for this article, which, in my case, resonates a lot to me, maybe even more than limerence itself. Always a pleasure to read!!
I have a question:
For those of you who have Significant Others, wasn’t your SO formerly an LO, an LO who just happened to reciprocate early on without stringing you along with a bunch of baffling behavior? Or do most people just “slide” into a relationship with someone somewhat less than scintillating, over time?
Those are really great questions, James. I’d be interested to know what others think. My SO was not a former LO, but I think neither was she a “potential LO” who just happened to reciprocate early. The story of how we got together makes this clear I think.
I had an LO when I was at university. The glimmer when I first saw her almost floored me. I remember it so clearly, more than 20 years later. Her smile, the eye contact. It was like my heart jumped into my mouth and I couldn’t breathe. No one has ever had that effect on me, to this day (clearly a large part of this was my relative youth). I was very shy when I was younger, but in any case I soon found out that she had a boyfriend. For the next two years, the constant eye contact and “flirting at a distance” fueled a very strong LE. Then she broke up with the boyfriend. One night, after I’d downed 4 double vodkas, a good female friend literally shoved me in front of LO on a dance floor, and told me to ask her out. I did. LO said nothing, instead grabbing my hand and dragging me outside. I think the first thing she said to me was that perhaps we could diffuse some of the sexual tension there had been between us. We were together for less than a week. She clearly liked me, but she said that she needed a fling, and that a relationship with me wouldn’t be a fling. I still think that was a polite brush off. In any case, she soon went back to the boyfriend, and split up with him again months later. She then graduated, and that was the end of it.
Just as I got together with LO for that week, I also met my SO. We flirted in a bar while out with a group of people one night, and ended up talking all the way home. She also had a boyfriend, for much of the next year, but there was no glimmer, and despite the barrier I wasn’t limerent. I was limerent for LO instead at that time. I was attracted to SO during that year, but I was attracted to other people too. Of course I eventually got together with SO, and I’m still with her almost 20 years later, with a house and kids! Still, the fact I was never limerent for her, and didn’t “pursue” her, has, I think, been a constant problem for me. Especially when LO2 came along.
At least you were acknowledged by your LO, she told you what was going on, and you were not left to wonder for the rest of your life what she thought. I think maybe why you ended up with your SO is because there was a peripheral connection to your LO with her. I am currently living with a girl who was a member of the same crew that my last LO supervised. I reached out to her because I thought she might have insights in to my last LOs behavior. She is a cute girl and lots of guys like her, but I have never had that oppressive glimmer for her that I had for any of my former LOs.
I’m not sure my SO was a peripheral connection to LO, but I do question why I got together with her. I did so just as I was leaving university (after 7 years) for a job in a different city. Part of getting together with my SO was about keeping that part of my life alive (we literally got together the day before I left!).
I think an LE vs “slide into a relationship with someone less than scintillating” represents just two relationship starting points out of a huge range of alternatives.
I have had LTRs with an LO and with non-LOs.
My most memorable non-LO was really into me first so the lack of uncertainty meant no LE. But I still I fell deeply and passionately in love with him and we had a fantastic LTR. He was certainly scintillating.
The only LO I have had an LTR with is now my husband. We had an instant connection but I was in his friend-zone for the first 6 months of us knowing each other thus resulting in a strong LE. I lit the spark in him eventually and the subsequent 3 years together were heaven. Then we got married and had kids… 🙂
The idea of being in an LTR with an LO, and the limerence fading, is so hard for me to imagine. I’ve only had two LEs (as an adult): the first never got to a relationship, being cut short by LO; the second Rational Levin cut short, although Limerent Levin almost killed him for doing so. Does all the sparkly spangly magicalness slow die over time, or is it like going to bed with Cinderalla only to find a pumpkin next to you the following morning?
For me the sparkle slowly faded out over 2 years, and was replaced by real attached love, the merging of family and friends, house buying & renovating, long haul travels, wedding, kids, etc. The loss was so gradual that I never had a moment of realisation. The fact he was an LO had no impact on the long term relationship… my marriage has been sexless for the last 10 years despite us being happy together with good emotional intimacy.
I have heard of others on this site that have had the pumpkin experience during an LTR with an LO.
The comment that your SO was once an LO, but this had no impact on the LTR, is hugely valuable to me, Allie. Before learning about limerence, it had always been a problem for me that I was never limerent for my SO. It was “proof” that we didn’t belong together. Of course that was extremely naive in retrospect. I wonder if being in a LTR with a former LO inevitably leads to some level of disappointment later (beyond the usual!). There’s further to fall. Being in a sexless marriage for the last 10 years sounds pretty unbearable, and again hard for me to imagine with a (former) LO.
Yes I absolutely believe that the LE intensity can set you up for future relationship failure once it fades. And the LE sparkle is guaranteed to die, faster if the uncertainty and barriers are removed. The relationship becomes as complacent and humdrum as any other. If you are as lucky as I was, you are left with someone you deeply love, that is your best friend and a good life partner. Which is not unbearable at all to me as I know he loves me deeply too and I just don’t need any more validation than that. My libido would probably disagree though 🙂
For me, great sex was easy with SO to start with as I was hyper-aroused with him so he did not have to do much to please me. And thus the stagnant, unskilled, repetitive routine of our sex life was born. Sex that pleased him but eventually left me cold until neither of us could be bothered any more. All discussed and understood with no deep resentment either way. My SO is lovely, but by his own admission, lazy, even about sex. He mistakenly thinks that if he loses a few pounds, all will be resolved. It won’t.
@Allie. Please feel free not to answer if the question is too personal. But was your husband limerent for you as well? I.e. did you and your husband experience mutual limerence, before those wonderful feelings faded a couple or years into marriage, or was your husband not limerent for you/non-limerent in general but happy to be in a relationship with you?
I know mutual limerence also fades in time. It’s just from reading your comments, I can’t remember whether you said it was mutual limerence in the beginning with your husband or not?
I’m thinking, if one’s SO has also experienced limerence, then maybe it would be easier to talk about the subject together, since you both actually understand the complexities of it all?
“I have heard of others on this site that have had the pumpkin experience during an LTR with an LO.”
I had the pumpkin experience, but I think it had to with the fact
my LO came at my like a freight train, almost immediately acting like we’d been dating for months, with a barrage of phone calls, emails and gifts. If uncertainty fuels limerence, someone handing himself over to you on a silver platter absolutely kills it, almost overnight.
“If uncertainty fuels limerence, someone handing himself over to you on a silver platter absolutely kills it, almost overnight.”
My experience indicates that this is so true that it behaves almost like a physical law of nature. I cannot even count how many sources warn against “disclosing” to an LO; from for-profit dating coaches to general info in the public domain, along with — probably dozens — of Dr. Limerence’s posts here on this site.
But the big question that I cannot get an answer to is: WHY?
WHY? . . . WHY? . . . WHY!!!!!?????
James A,
“My experience indicates that this is so true that it behaves almost like a physical law of nature. I cannot even count how many sources warn against “disclosing” to an LO;”
I’m all for disclosing if you can. I have grown in the last year to have little patience for flim-flam flirtation land that lasts forever. But what my LO did was akin to asking me out on a first date and showing up to pick me up with all his stuff to move in. Too much, too soon. You can tell someone you are into them or make a definitive move to show your interest. That doesn’t mean there isn’t some mystery left to the depths of the interest or if a relationship will form. It’s best to slowly show more and more interest over time. He was also going through a divorce and just transferred his feelings for his wife onto me, which is antithetical to a limerent. It felt like I was picked because I happened to be standing there. I have a feeling that is how he picked all his partners, but it was still far from flattering.
Thank you for the reply, Marcia. After reading your reply, I couldn’t help wonder if he might have lost interest in or respect for you had you totally and unconditionally accepted him, with all of his obvious flaws and baggage — literal baggage.
James,
“I couldn’t help wonder if he might have lost interest in or respect for you had you totally and unconditionally accepted him, with all of his obvious flaws and baggage — literal baggage.”
I don’t know. That’s a good question. When we first got together, I’m fairly certain the wife wasn’t completely out of the picture. So there were barriers. We broke up, and then he reappeared months later, this time completely single. He did say the second part of our relationship was less exciting, but I think that had more to do with the fact that I had all but checked out. It was not a healthy dynamic.
“He was also going through a divorce and just transferred his feelings for his wife onto me, which is antithetical to a limerent. It felt like I was picked because I happened to be standing there. I have a feeling that is how he picked all his partners, but it was still far from flattering.”
@Marcia. Yes, I think us limerents want some evidence that we are specially chosen (and dreamed about for a long time). I’ve always felt slightly taken aback when someone approaches me because, oh gosh, they’re suddenly, unexpectedly single and so am I! Romance based on mutual convenience doesn’t really work for me. Alas!
Sammy,
” I’ve always felt slightly taken aback when someone approaches me because, oh gosh, they’re suddenly, unexpectedly single and so am I”
Or you have an ex who out of the blue contacts you … and your first thought is, “Did whoever you were dating just break up with you?” They are trying to recycle.
In each of my 3 LTRs, I found myself in a relationship with them soon after meeting. With my SO we kissed on the night we met, so there was little uncertainty for me from the very beginning. In each case I was single and open to the idea of a relationship so no barriers either. I don’t see them as less scintillating, just more straightforward, less intrusive and all consuming.
With LO there was this slow build-up of feelings. I saw her and gradually, but steadily, wanted her more and more. All the ingredients for a LE were there (barriers and uncertainty) and to add, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. These feelings were entirely involuntary, unwanted and knocked me sideways.
So I see them as two entirely different categories. But I also see myself as a non-limerent who has had a limerent episode.
My SO is amazing. Funny, beautiful, loving. I’m blessed tbh. That’s why I’m massively conflicted. She wasn’t an LO per say, but our meeting and subsequent relationship was just more normal and stable than a LE experience. I agree with Levin. In my case, I believe your early romantic experiences during your formative years, 16 and 18 for me, can leave an imprint on you which can be positive or negative. For me it ended up turning into romantic baggage that I’ve never really dealt with. That’s why when an LO popped up from nowhere’s 17 years later that reminded me of that first LO that started all this shit… it turned my world up side down. Deep down I crave fireworks and burning passion, but more often than not, that only happens in films or it feels that way with Limerence because of barriers. I have no doubt if I went out with my LO, it would end in disaster because I know she is not right for me and what I have is much better. Unfortunately my heart won’t listen to my head. It’s just bad luck that I also have OCD that compounds the situation. Limerence and ROCD is like TNT & Semtex combined.
Song of the Day: “The Thrill is Gone” – B. B. King (1969)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buP4ZjXjOgA
The title says it all.
I am so conflicted. I am happily married for 22 years to someone I adore & find hot. We really have a happy marriage
Yet I have had LEs. My current LE started about 1 year ago. My LO works in my office, is several levels above me and has been a big fan of my work. He is an effusive, extrovert, high self esteem, universally well-liked guy. In his effusive way he started praising me publicly unequivocally from day 1, pulling me to work in his team, telling me how great he thought I was. And I fell for him. So bad. It was I’m sure my own self-esteem issues & ego that caused it.
But now it hurts, hurts. It is 24 X 7 obsession. I’ve tried everything I could think of… being cognizant of thoughts, pushing away thoughts, meditation… nothing helps.
If only there was a pill I could take. Or a switch I could turn off
Hi BlueIvy. I really feel for you! I am in a very similar situation… happily married but caught up the grip of a powerful year+ long LE for a more senior co-worker that I report to. I have tried a variety of techniques also. For me regular meditation helps me with the crippling intrusive thinking such that I can still focus well and enjoy other things. I find being kind to myself, accepting my feelings and allowing them to just be helps dial down the intensity – struggling against it makes my LE so much worse and more painful. My problem is that much of the time, I just don’t want to let go so I end up resorting to cooling my LE just enough to function and live normally, albeit with a favourite hobby called LE rumination. My key practices are to talk myself out of personalising everything he says and does, embrace the uncertainty and live with purpose. Managing this is a constant effort however. DrLs Emergency Reprogramming course is great – I use the techniques for cooling things down but I can see that a more consistent application would slowly but surely lift me out of my limerence pit.
I just need to consistently stick to the choice to really apply myself but my idiot limerent brain clings to the delusion of hope like velcro! Aargh!
Wishing you well.
Thankyou so much for your thoughtful reply Alice
You are right… I’ve questioned myself too… do I really (like REALLY) completely want to give it up? Or is a part of me reluctant to, hence the failure.
Your advice is very helpful.
*Allie
(Sorry for the typo in your name)
“But now it hurts, hurts. It is 24 X 7 obsession. I’ve tried everything I could think of… being cognizant of thoughts, pushing away thoughts, meditation… nothing helps. If only there was a pill I could take. Or a switch I could turn off.”
@BlueIvy. Just wanted to give you a shout-out. I think the “intrusive thoughts” are definitely a sign of limerence and one of the things that separates limerence from an ordinary crush. I was reminded how painful those constant, unwanted thoughts are when I read your post. I don’t have them anymore (probably due to no contact and the passage of a very long period of time). Everything passes eventually. But I understand you longing for a pill that would immediately bring relief from the mental torment. It’s a tough thing to go through.
Normally, when people go through stressful experiences, they can take time out, go somewhere away from the source of stress. It’s hard to escape limerent stress since we seem to be carrying around the stress with us, inside our heads!!
Thanks Sammy for your empathy. I’m glad you have moved on. I hope to get to the other side of it… I know eventually I will… not sure how long it would be.
A day late and a dollar short, but if you’re looking for “a pill”, there is a supplement called N-Acetyl Cysteine that seems to have helped me. It has been studied and found effective for certain obsessive thought patterns. For me, I found that taking two 600mg capsules a day reduced LO’s presence in my head to a much less debilitating level. YMMV, but I experienced no noticeable side effects, the stuff is relatively cheap. More info here: https://neurosparkle.com/nac/
Thank you so much for writing this article. I have experienced both Limerence and ROCD, and it’s so nice to read an article that almost perfectly summarises my experiences/feelings/thoughts dealing with both. I agree with a few of the other comments, I think limerence is distinct from ROCD, but I wonder whether there are similar neurobiological factors that contribute to a predisposition for both. There is so much we don’t know about the brain, but my hunch is serotonin, dopamine and generally reduced executive function are factors?
For me, the ROCD has been more debilitating, inducing more anxiety and more obsessive tendencies. Perhaps because I really want to be in a relationship with someone who is as present, loving, kind and stable as my partner, even though I don’t feel intensely about them. The battle between my core values and my desire for “fireworks and intensity” has been rough for the past 9 months.
With LE, and all my LOs, there has always been this ephemeral quality to these encounters – they’ve lacked depth in some way. I’ve always had this feeling as though I was giving up a part of myself and disrespecting myself to harbour the obsession. I’ve only had one LO with whom I “secured” a relationship, after much initial obsessing on my part. After 2 years, the mystery disappeared. I became angry and miserable. We ended up parting as friends.
So I know earlier in y relationship I had some stuff I could see as limerence. I have checked the social media and gotten jealous over her following of like 18+ accounts but decided to get over it. I’ve also throughout all that had what I thought was rocd. Constant doubt and compulsions about how I don’t love her, or her me. That I was bad for her or it wasn’t the right relationship. Focusing on flaws or her looks, thoughts of breaking up. My mother has OCD and I had a similar period of obsession over other things before that made me think OCD. My worry is what if it’s just limerence ending? What is that like and how does it compare to the stated OCD obsessions?