Many of the relationship problems created by limerence result from a conflict between the wild fantasy ideal that limerence promises and the workaday reality of actually living with another person.
Limerence seems to offer the fairy-tale ideal. The internal emotional transformation is so profound, so extraordinary, that it feels like being struck by Cupid’s arrow or meeting your True Love – and, as we all know, true love conquers all.
In reality, it doesn’t matter how powerful your euphoric feelings are, they will be pretty much irrelevant to determining whether love that begins in limerence will last.
One of the most important factors in the success of a relationship is your own competence in navigating the ups and downs of mood, security, triumphs and tribulations that life throws at everyone. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as it were.
Unfortunately, most of us have to develop these abilities through intuition and improvisation. We aren’t usually taught specific skills that would help us manage the smooth progress of a relationship through the long term. We embark on a romantic adventure with someone who excites us, and then kind of bounce off each other’s quirks, subconscious fears, mismatched expectations, and insecurities, in the hope that we will figure things out.
If, for some inexplicable reason, True Love lets us down, we can get trapped in an unsatisfying relationship, or give up and try again in the hope that the ride is easier next time.
Unfortunately, many people don’t really learn from these failures. Sounds harsh, but what I mean is that if you encounter a similar situation in the future but respond the same way, any intellectual lesson that you might have perceived hasn’t actually been learned. The best you can say is that it’s been stored.
If a bad experience hasn’t resulted in a change in behaviour, you haven’t used the knowledge to improve your skills. You haven’t learned.
To break out of this cycle of hoping that intuition and momentum will be enough to carry a relationship from limerence through to lasting stability, it’s worth thinking about what skills are actually needed to build and sustain a romantic connection. We’ve previously listed some of the signs that a relationship is unhealthy, and some of the most important predictors for long-term love, but are there some specific skills that could be universally helpful for increasing relationship competence?
In answer to that suspiciously leading question, here’s a good video:
Dr Davila identifies three essential elements for romantic competence:
- Insight (both self-awareness and an understanding of your partner’s personality)
- Mutuality (communicating honestly and making decisions through consensus)
- Emotional regulation (anticipating and managing your own emotional triggers)
Helpfully, these skills can be improved with practice. Improving those skills is also a natural consequence of purposeful living. Developing self-awareness, honesty, openness to renewal, and decisiveness will gain you clarity of purpose, emotional composure and add intentionality to your decision-making.
This shift in focus onto your own skillset, rather than hoping that love will mean effortless harmony, will improve your relationships regardless of how limerence is impacting on life.
If you are wondering about whether limerence is a barrier to healthy love, whether you should stick with an existing relationship, whether you should end your marriage, or whether you should swear off limerent objects for good, applying the skills of romantic competence to the situation will help you find wisdom.
Integrating limerence into life in a constructive way depends on creative tension. The path from limerence to long-term love involves balancing the thrills and fireworks of limerent intoxication against the discipline and self-development of serving a larger purpose.
As you become more skillful and accomplished, it is possible to transmute limerent bliss into lasting happiness.
“If a bad experience hasn’t resulted in a change in behavior, you haven’t used the knowledge, or improved your skills you haven’t learned.” Quoted by Dr. L.
This is absolutely true!
Understanding, knowledge and wisdom: what do you want?
First, you get information, but it will never benefit you until you understand it. Once you understand it, you need wisdom, which is the most critical part. There’s an order of the process , knowledge always comes first, (information), : two: understanding =comprehension, three, wisdom =application.
You can have knowledge and understanding and still don’t apply it…
Have a great and peaceful weekend.
Correction:
“If a bad experience hasn’t resulted in a change in behavior, you haven’t used the knowledge, or improved your skills. You haven’t learned.” Dr. L quotes.
„ In reality, it doesn’t matter how powerful your euphoric feelings are, they will be pretty much irrelevant to determining whether love that begins in limerence will last.“
I don’t agree fully.
My SO and me were limerent for each other, the very strong feelings created strong memories of our first time together, and these memories carried us over a lot of difficulties.
Aaaw.. I love that! 🙂
I married an LO too, and similarly we had a strong mutual attraction to begin with, and I think our earlier years were like you describe in that just the memory of those lovely limerent feelings, the enhanced sensation of connection and the mutual idealisation carried us along and made things that bit sweeter and easier well after the limerence died.
But sadly 20 years later, despite being happy together, I now find it hard to even imagine feeling any kind of attraction to SO, let alone a strong one. My marriage is a desire free zone. So I now wonder if the powerful and instant limerent desire I felt with SO in the early days prevented me from seeing what now feels like sexual incompatibility.
It is our mutual trust, compatibility and strong friendship that carries us these days.
Allie1,
we also have a draught (hope that’s the right word) in the sexual area of our relationship, but fortunately it’s a bit the same as what I said- we had happy fulfilled years of good sex, so we know it can be like that between us, and these memories let us not give up.
I hope very much we’ll manage, because this problem certainly exacerbated my extramarital limerences.
Did you find a solution to this, did you open your marriage or something? Sorry I cannot connect your nickname to a story, as I probably should.
My limerence improves my marital desire only at the start when I am totally euphoric and hormonal but that phase does not last. Hence my marriage is sexless. I would like an open marriage and have believed in that type of relationship all of my life but SO does not want to take the risks attached to that which is fair enough. We have given each other hall passes as a compromise. But I am demi-sexual so a one-off encounter is not ideal for me.
Allie,
“But sadly 20 years later, despite being happy together, I now find it hard to even imagine feeling any kind of attraction to SO, let alone a strong one. ”
Are you someone whose sex drive is in some way connected to limerence? I would say mine is, to a degree. It’s connected to the highs/intensity of limerence or some sense of novelty. I’m always kind of surprised when people report being very active sexually active with a spouse or partner of many years.
“Are you someone whose sex drive is in some way connected to limerence?”
Yes, at least with my SO. The most intense, lusty and pleasurable sex I have ever had was while short term mutually limerent (not SO). Limerence makes it so easy to forget myself and totally succumb to mutual physical sensation and connection. That sex was impossible to forget and I have harboured the desire to experience it again before am too old. I think this is why I struggle to let go of my current LE… a last chance so to speak. I guess it is a bit like a recovering heroin addict wanting one last hit before they stop for good.
“It’s connected to the highs/intensity of limerence or some sense of novelty”
Yes that is exactly how my sexuality works also. I have had good non-limerent LTR sex before, but he was sensual, very open to experimentation and we both actively developed our bedroom skills. Plus he was the jealous type so we argued a lot which added to the sexual tension… not a recipe for happiness unfortunately.
Allie,
“The most intense, lusty and pleasurable sex I have ever had was while short term mutually limerent (not SO).”
Me, too, although I don’t think they were mutually limerent. The sex was with two different LOs.
“That sex was impossible to forget and I have harboured the desire to experience it again before am too old. ”
I’ve wondered the same thing. I am about your age. I could have sex, but will I ever get sex like that again? However, I do NOT want to have to become limerent again to get it unless the person is available and wanted an actual relationship (that’s the only way to get rid of limerence versus having sex with an LO who only wants sex and you want so much more — no thanks). Getting over those two LOs was painful, and the pain lasted a heck of a lot longer than the sex.
But maybe the fact I was always trying to get at them made the sex hot. Like I couldn’t quite get my hands on them completely.
I feel slightly ashamed to say so, but I was never limerent for my wife. We were mutual rebound relationships after our respective break ups and I just sort of settled into the comfort of a new relationship. We’ve been together for 20 years and have children together and I think that shared experience carried us through those years. I dread when they leave home because I don’t feel particularly close to my wife. We don’t have any shared hobbies or interests. I think that, in part, is what lead to my one and only recent limerent episode.
With that said, I have tried to look on the bright side and positives in our relationship: I crave stability and harmony and we have that. I also think we have similar expectations of what to expect from a spouse. It’s not much to go on, but it’s something. My recent plunge into limerence has actually reignited a spark between us as I attempt to lavish on my wife the love and affection that I wanted to give to my LO. When my LO comes to mind, I’m trying to focus on their shortcomings and the truth in that my LO’s words of love are empty (as evinced by their actions). I’m trying not only to realize, but also feel that the LE is a mirage and that my wife and our relationship is real. I’m determined to use this LE as a teachable moment for myself and be a better husband and person.
What I hope doesn’t happen is this is me just choosing the path of least resistance and kicking the can down the road because I’m too much of a coward to face reality. The LE showed me that there is something glaringly wrong with me and possibly my marriage, so what I hope is that both are fixable with effort. To make matters slightly worse, I’m a dismissive avoidant, so all this turmoil is in my head and my battle alone to face.
Hi Invalid Username,
I do not think that its important not to have been limerent for your wife. In many ways, a serious relationship like the one you have with your spouse is mutually exclusive to development of limerence, since limerence tends to arise only when there are barriers. I also had no limerence for my SO. I might have done had he rejected me, though I never needed to find out about that thank goodness.
I am not sure why you think your marriage and yourself are so lacking. This seems a terribly damning claim. On the contrary, your words indicate someone who takes a lot of care of your SO and your partnership. Are you sure that you are not re writing history (something that, unfortunately happens to us limerents as we navigate the hormonal surges associated with falling into limerence)? I don’t mean to sound patronising and forgive me if it comes across this way. There have been many older blogs on devaluing the SO when in an LE. You are not devaluing your SO at all. But maybe you are an overly negative take on your dynamic right now? Its difficult for anything to match an LE – despite the LE being a fantasy, a mirage, as you put it.
And of one’s own making.
I think your first impulse, which is that it is the LE that is the aberration, not your marriage, is almost certainly the correct one. And if it is not, that decision is one best made long after the dust has settled on this LE of yours (I think you said earlier that it was your first LE) because it is *so* difficult to think straight when in its grip.
Hi Bewitched,
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. You’re right about the lack of barriers part of limerence. Instead of saying I was never limerent, I guess I should have said, I was never ga-ga, head-over-heels in love with my wife.
“I don’t mean to sound patronising and forgive me if it comes across this way.”
You’re not at all and I appreciate earnest, forthright discussion about all this, so thank you.
“I am not sure why you think your marriage and yourself are so lacking. This seems a terribly damning claim.”
I’m not sure if it’s because of my nature (dismissive avoidant) that I think that (because I don’t have deep feelings for my SO) or if it’s a result of a lot of introspection about the realities of our relationship. I feel anguish/guilt because I don’t feel so deeply and I feel I’m cheating my SO of being with someone who really gives her the love and cherishing she deserves. I don’t feel I’m capable of that. Yet, I asked my wife if she is happy in the relationship and she said she is, although she has no clue about any of this or what is going on in my head. So I guess that’s all good. It may not appear to be so, but I am trying to stay positive and take actions/make choices that impact my relationship and life positively.
It’s funny how the LE/LO lose their lustre when one finds out that it’s just a Kool-Aid recipe that many mid-lifers drink. So many things Dr. L said in his book are so true, things I have said to myself and my LO and it’s crazy how foolish you can feel when you realize you are under a limerent spell.
Thanks again for the feedback. It’s most appreciated.
Thanks again for the feedback. It’s appreciated.
Hey Invalid Username,
” I feel anguish/guilt because I don’t feel so deeply and I feel I’m cheating my SO of being with someone who really gives her the love and cherishing she deserves”
You are very honest and that takes courage. I don’t know if I would be able to be so honestly hard on myself. I mean, I have also experienced from time to time a feeling of detachment from my SO. While they were happily going about their life, my mind was drifting while I took them for granted. That’s hard to admit. It was what partly fueled the slide into limerence on my behalf (that and a terrible period of family health problems). So I understand perfectly what you mean about not giving your SO the best that they deserve. I am currently trying to make it up to my SO any way I can.
BUT thoughts are not actions. And if you have err-ed into a PA and gone beyond thoughts (I am not sure if you have and you don’t need to elaborate), you have now backed out of that again, so this is something important. If you had known then what you know now – that the limerent event was only brain chemicals and not all-consuming love, you would not have gone there. You said in an earlier post that you regret your limerence – this is huge in terms of recovery because lots of us are still confused on that score. For instance, I am not sure that I do because it has woken me up and made me stop taking my SO for granted. I am still not over my LO, fully, either.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, basically. Being too hard on oneself blocks recovery, for some of us (me included) though it may work for others. Either way, your posts show that you’re on the right track.
Sorry this is a bit garbled.
Thanks again, Bewitched, for the kind words. (I hope this is how I reply since your second post hasn’t a direct reply button.)
I didn’t have a PA, but did have an EA. It was all 100% online: we would meet on a website and chat. We have no contact beyond that website, which makes it easier in future to go 100% NC (it has been nearly 3 weeks since I met them).
You’re right, I said I regret my LE, but you’re also right in that it brought to light many underlying issues and perhaps this LE (being 100% online only) is the best way to go since NC is so easy. I had no clue about MBTI personality types or attachment styles prior to discovering what limerence is. It has been a psychological self-assessment worm hole and I’m not sure I’m better off knowing all that, but honestly, you can’t put the wormhole back into the can. LOL
Invalid username hi,
I agree with what Bewitched had to say. Like you, I also was not limerent for my SO, I also crave for stability and harmony in a marriage, and SO gives me that, which I appreciate so much in a world full of breakups and divorce. We have been together for 47 years now and counting. SO is my rock and fortress! LOs may come and go like the wind, but a well established relationship with your SO will endure.
Try and start new hobbies and adventures with your SO. When the children leave the nest, you can start discovering new adventures and places to visit and new things to do. One doesn’t want to stay home and rot… in the long run you’ll learn how to appreciate your SO more and more.
Usually LOs are fickle and drive you to think the unimaginable , but it’s just a dream, a mirage , one becomes obsessive, I suppose, because they’re unattainable. That’s all there’s to it. I think, everyone comes to a point in life where one try and review one’s life and what’s become of it. There’s a lot of longings and cravings and regrets and if an LO comes along, you’re done! It’s not a shame to have dreams…just don’t let them get the better part of you.
Good luck and best wishes.
Hi Nisor,
47 years is very impressive: congratulations!
Thanks for the advice about shared hobbies or new adventures. I think I will try to travel or something like that.
“LOs may come and go like the wind…”
It sounds like you have had quite a few LEs, no? Thankfully, I don’t think I’m normally prone to it since this was my first and only and I suspect now that I know what it is (I thought it was love) and have basically discovered what I’m susceptible to, I won’t have another. Since limerence is all in one’s head, surely I can control whether or not another LE occurs in my life and I aim to see that it doesn’t.
I agree with you about being in a position of longing and regret and looking back on one’s life may make one more prone to having a LO/LE. I think Dr. L hit the nail on the head when he says the best cure is a purposeful life. To that end, I have taken steps to do just that and I suggest others do as well. Envision the person you want to be and set concrete, attainable steps to get there.
Thanks again for the feedback. Good luck to you as well!
Invalid username,
No, I didn’t have lots of LEs. I was talking in general. Mine is the first one and only, and it is for and old boyfriend. Just had a dream about him that he had come to my rescue , and I got startled for what became a painful experience with limerence. Limerence on a distance, for LO is one continent away! Only talked to him twice since limerence stroke me, and have gone NC ever since, that is, 16 months now. Limerence, once it gets you addicted to the person and ruminations it’s very hard to tame. It’s hard for me because I had a real relationship with LO, we were both single then, it was before I got married to SO. Too many beautiful memories, since LO was an admirable person. Hard to shake but I’m trying my best. One day, one day, it will probably fade away like he was for so many years before the dream!
Stay strong and safe.
Invlid Username
You seem to be handling your LE about the way I did/do. Last night I had a bit too much to drink. After eating a snack, I started to fall asleep early. I was trying to nuzzle against my wife while she watched something on her laptop. And she let me. Imagine that. Oh that woman you were obsessed over for years?! That’s okay, come lay next to me.
I would say I was never limerent for my wife. I had/have a practical love for her. I was a dangerous and careless drunk before I met my wife. She inadvertently softened me. Calmed me. By extension our boys too. I am much better of a person because of her and them. I honestly probably owe my life to my wife. Otherwise I might have been found dead in a ditch.
I think realizing how impractical limerence is, helped find a new appreciation for my wife. Helped me pull out of the euphoria of exLO. My wife who still lets me sleep in the same bed as her. Kiss her. Put my arms around her. She’s still here. exLO hasn’t probably had a second thought about me since she left.
Part of understanding limerence is the “what is the cause of it?” Affairs, divorce, separation, and limerence all happen for a reason. I think that reason is key to why one falls into limerence. Me? Wife of almost 25 years, 20 year old son out of the house going to college and a 18 year old starting his senior year of high school. No one needs me. But her and her daughter did. Oh dear. And here I thought it would only be my wife with the “empty nest”. “You and your damn rescue complex!” as my wife says lol “You can’t solve every woman’s problems! You can’t make up for every bad man in a woman’s life.” But dammit I try. Apparently to my determent.
Hopefully you can find some peace with yourself and your limerence. And rekindle what you have with your wife. I know that it has helped me greatly. I see my wife in a amazing light for all the undeserving understanding she has given me when it comes to this.
Hi Adam,
Wow, that’s quite the story. Thanks for sharing. Interesting that you have a so-called rescue complex, but at the same time attribute to your wife your own salvation. Hmm.
Can you explain this concept to me, please: “I think realizing how impractical limerence is, helped find a new appreciation for my wife.”?
This statement is so true for most LOs, I imagine: “exLO hasn’t probably had a second thought about me since she left.” That just makes the pining away all the more absurd and personally, feeling absurd is a great motivator to turn off my emotions.
Thanks for the well-wishes. I have one more hurdle to get over, one more test to face (permanent NC). Considering the last time I had contact I thought I was in love (and had never heard of “limerence”) and considering there has been no contact for 3 weeks despite my offering a means of communication to my LO (which they didn’t use), I suspect it will be much easier than I would have ever imagined three weeks ago. They clearly don’t care and I know I don’t want it: that’s a recipe for success.
“Can you explain this concept to me, please: “I think realizing how impractical limerence is, helped find a new appreciation for my wife.”?”
I am one of the few here that really see little to no positive purpose to limrence. As you said “absurd is a great motivator”. Once I realized I wasn’t to her what she was to me, it helped me appreciate my wife more because she stood by my side, while exLO went off with some other man and forgotten about me.
Facing marital issues would have been a better way to strengthen our marriage than me obsessing over another “broken” woman. Did the limerence work in me facing my marital issues? Yes in the end it did. But the path to get there was one of hurt for my whole family. Do I appreciate my wife more now? Am I thankful that our sons still call me “dad” despite knowing what I did to their mother? Yes. I mean after 20 plus years I started going to church again. Yeah I have made a lot of changes through this limerence but I still would have rather not had to go through it. And hope to never go through it again. My LE overall was a heart breaking ordeal. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.
Ahh, got it. Thanks for clarifying. I guess although we regret our respective LEs and we cannot undo what has been done, the next best thing is to learn from it, which I think you’ve done, so that’s good. Take care!
Invalid Username, hi
I noticed you mentioned , you “ were mutual rebound relationships after our respective breakups… “
For me this is heavy stuff to deal with…I’m so sorry you and your wife had to go through this ordeal. And hope you both are healed now. Do you feel like limerence for you is like opening a Pandora’s box now because of the rebound thing? That is, your feelings for your ex love, has it come to the surface now, or it’s something new all together?
Rebound relationships always were interesting to me, because no one talks about it, and I suppose there most be a lot of suffering in it…? did you have a difficult time trying to forget your ex? How did that complicate the relationship with your wife, as you were grieving for someone else? Did you feel lonely and suffering in silence? And knowing she also was in rebound relationship, it didn’t bother you, or it made your pain easier to Bear knowing you’re both in the same boat? Do you think she’s recovered after awhile ? Did you? You don’t have to answer, but it strikes me as a lot of baggage from the past, and I’m wondering if this is the cause of your limerence. There must be some residual feelings nagging at you after so many years? Can you say that you’re completely recovered from the rebound? I’m just curious, since I have never known how people deal with rebound relationships after such a long time together? I humbly ask for forgiveness if I’m intruding here, and definitely you don’t have to answer, ok? You’re the first case to admit to being in a rebound relationship. I bet there are more but no one is admitting to it, therefore they can heal from it. Since breakups are hard to handle and most people don’t wait to heal before getting involved in another relationship. No one said it’s easy to cope with a breakup from a loved one.
There’s a site on rebound,
“ Choosing Therapy. com”
Rebound relationships: definition, signs and what to know. Author Kaytee Gellis , published 8/21/23
I think this is a good reading, it also has different interesting articles, like grief related ones: “Stages of grief after a breakup.”, etc.
Are we still friends, after all the questioning? You can disregard this post altogether if you please. I wish you all the best in your life and your marriage. 💪🏽
Correction: therefore the can’t heal..
I don’t mind your questions at all. Let me explain things to make it clearer and see if you have any further questions.
I was in a long-term relationship with someone 20 years ago: let’s call her Jane. I left Jane when I fell in love with, let’s say, Elizabeth. Elizabeth (I may or may not have been slightly limerent for, but I don’t think so) left me and I was devastated. She left me in summer after being together less than a year. A couple of months later, when I was changing my phone number, I texted my new number to a mutual friend, let’s say Clara, who texted back she wanted to meet and talk. At the meeting she admitted she was going through a break up and she knew I was as well. It got to the point, a few weeks later, where she flat out said she’s looking for a husband and I was fine with that (we had been informally dating). It was all mater of fact (we never had a wedding for example).
So in short, I left Jane for Elizabeth and fell into a relationship with Clara after Elizabeth dumped me. Oh! to be young and foolish! I think my relationship with Clara is simply a replacement for my relationship with Jane after the failure of Elizabeth. It’s almost that I went back to my comfort zone rather than confronting the failures of both Jane and Elizabeth.
I read the article you mentioned and a lot of the 10 were present, but some were not (social media didn’t exist, LOL).
Keep in mind, this was 20 years ago. I have now been with Clara for 20 years. As far as I know, we have long healed from those past relationships. To be honest, my personality type (INTP) and my relationship style (dismissive avoidant) means that I didn’t really explore any feelings about all of that. Maybe a psychologist would say I never fully healed, but I feel I did.
What I mean by the rebound relationship is that my wife is not the one who I long for or to be with. She doesn’t intellectually stimulate me or spark any strong emotions of love and affection. I can’t help but wonder if that is because it is a rebound and I was going back to the default rather than confront those feelings back 20 years ago.
How does my LE fit into all this? I wouldn’t say it opened pandora’s box. I would say I was being foolish by desiring to feel love again (midlife crisis) and connect with someone after so many years of not connecting with any one. I actively sought that connection never dreaming what would come and not imagining I would actually experience limerence (I didn’t know what limerence was). Now I see I was wrong. Sure, I can connect and love passionately, but everything is a balance and a give and take. Sure, I can find someone (like my LO) at the expense of my stability and sanity that I cherish more. Plus, I also see how wrong I am that I was not actively putting into the marital relationship and for the last few weeks I have been and it has improved.
If you have any questions I didn’t answer or have further questions, please let me know. I’m happy to share.
Invalid Username,
Thanks for answering my questions.
You’re right, you were too young to even consider analyzing your feelings. Not many people do. I didn’t. I myself, when very young, got involved in a rebound relationship for a couple of years, it was quite boring, I just wanted to fill a void, an emptiness after breakup. It was senseless, and I walked out of it without even ever looking back. Now I think of it as a waste of my precious time. Didn’t seek for counseling, never talked about it to anyone, had nothing to go by, that’s why I fell for it. Like you say: Oh! to be young and foolish! Yep.
The things we do as inexperienced people!
So, those feelings of the past don’t bother you, thus you must be healed then.
What I don’t understand is that you mentioned that your wife is not the one you long for or to be with, she doesn’t intellectually stimulate you or spark any strong emotions of love and affection; would you say you have lived a loveless life since 20 years ago?
But instead you cherish stability and sanity in the relationship… I
suppose that’s sufficient for you, the comfortable zone. I wonder, how many of us choose the comfort zone of predictability in marriage instead of wandering and wondering about a Nirvana that doesn’t exist.
After seeing your SO for what she means to you, do you feel you can build on the relationship for a future with SO? Do you have a plan?
I understand you want to improve the relationship and you’re doing all the necessary arrangements to accomplish it. I take my hat off to you.
One thing I noticed by reading the comments in the blogs: that limerence for your SO, doesn’t guarantee a forever happy or satisfied relationship; when limerence/love is over, they still fall into limerence for someone else. This leaves me confused, and I think , in the long
run, love is on itself very, very fickle as is limerence . In other words, love is temporary and limerence is just a mixture of chemicals/hormones , when they run their course everything is back to the original state of calm you were before… I don’t know but it’s really very complicated. Don’t you think? I’m just rambling now.
Have a good afternoon and stay strong.💪🏽
Hi again, Nisor,
It sounds like your type of rebound is typical (maybe also your rebound partner was not in a state of rebound, whereas my rebound was mutual rebound). You can’t relitigate things you did in the past. You did the best you could with what you had available. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them and if you learned something you didn’t “waste precious time”, those were well learned moments. Maybe that’s just me, but I try not to regret because we are who we are and we make choices based on what we have available at the time. Raking ourselves over the coals for decisions in the past is a fruitless errand.
For me, I think it was less about filling a void and more about returning to what I had previously, only perhaps better. I think lust sustained my relationship with my SO in the early years and child rearing the rest of the time until now. As we are approaching the time when my children no longer need me, my mind started to wander and ponder the vacuum in my life once they depart.
“So, those feelings of the past don’t bother you, thus you must be healed then”
I’m not sure. Until recently, I thought I was healed, but finding out about limerence opened a can of worms about my personality and attachment style, so maybe someone would say I repressed those emotions. Is repression different than healing if the state of being is the same? I believe I have long healed. I am emotionless when looking back at that time.
“would you say you have lived a loveless life since 20 years ago?”
I’m not sure. I would say to some degree, yes. Others might say I’m incapable of love. I’m never vulnerable with my SO and keep my distance emotionally. Still, it’s likely deeper than I give credit for considering we have been together for so long. Regarding building a future with my SO after my LE, my answer is I will give it a try. Rather than wallow in the state of my relationship, I have decided to take a more active approach. A relationship is not a fire to be set and ignored; it must be tended to and nurtured to maintain it. I think I was too inactive for too many years. The first step of repairing it is taking ownership. I admit, I was foolishly devaluing my SO and was increasingly viewing her as hostile and an impediment to my LE. It came to pass that we argued after I huffed over helping my SO, then she yelled at me, “If you don’t want to be with me, LEAVE!” That was a turning point; the bucket of ice water on my head as I wondered what the heck I had become (at that moment, I didn’t know what limerence was). I started then to re-examine things and then my LO said they were leaving for a trip and that gave me the much needed solitude to think and then I discovered limerence. The rest is history. I haven’t spoken to LO since and I can’t wait to so I can tell them goodbye forever. The ownership I feel for my actions and my relationship is immense, as is the shame and foolishness. The fact that my SO’s words struck me so much must mean there is love there, or at least, my concept of love.
“Do you have a plan?”
Great question! I haven’t even considered that, yet. You see, my LE started in January of this year, and I still have to go NC (I tried last night, but didn’t see my LO, haven’t seen them for 3 weeks). Once my LE is officially over (i.e. I tell my LO that our “relationship” is over and begin NC), then I can begin to ponder my next move with some concrete plan. I will say that to get through the last few weeks, I have been focusing on myself and living right. It’s amazing how good diet and exercise can do wonders for the self. I’ve also tried to be a better husband and adjust myself, although that can be very difficult. Some concrete ways: being less negative and not picking on details; listening; trying to engage in conversation; being more affectionate.
I disagree about love being fickle. I don’t think it is. I loathe the phrase “true love”, but I feel a real, deep bond is neither fickle nor weak. The stronger the bond, the less fickle it will be. I know what you mean though, non-limerent love/relationships do settle down and the highs of new romance do settle down, but I wouldn’t say that’s fickle.
Thanks for listening. It’s very cathartic to write all this out since I have no one to talk to about any of this.
Invalid Username,
By now, you
must have noticed I’m not an English speaker, that is, English is not my language of origin. I beg you to forgive the mistakes and the lack of sense , since I try to put my thoughts together in a way you can understand. Also, I’m not a tech geek and don’t know how to copy from your text to mine to make it easier for me to write to you or anyone here.
I wanted to say my rebound relationship in the past doesn’t bother me at all. As you say it’s a fruitless errand. Buried and done with.
Your doubts on repressed emotions of the past, I think it’s
more likely, if they’re dormant in your subconscious and you don’t deal with them, they’ll resurface sometime in the future .I don’t know if that is necessarily true. I hope it doesn’t. A therapist will know how to handle that…
You say you’re ‘never vulnerable with SO and keep your distance emotionally’. Probably you’re very careful not to get hurt again like in the past? You need to explore more on this by examining yourself deeply and truly.
Since you have been together with SO so my years, surely a deep bond of caring for one another has been created. A bond that seems to be solid between you two. Only limerence came about now to rock the boat, but you’re handling this pretty well. I admire you!
For sure, a relationship has to be tendered to and nurtured continuously, ir else the fire gets extinguished. I’m glad you’re taking steps to repair what’s wrong in the relationship, is a sign of maturity and shows you care a lot for your marriage. One step at the time makes the journey…
When in limerence, it’s common and normal to get angry with your SO when you feel they’re an impediment to the LE, even get angry if anyone takes your time when all you want is to ruminate with LO.
You say you feel guilt and shame for the LE, but I would say don’t feel that way because limerence was not a thing you’re looking for, it just showed up, it’s an altered state of mind you didn’t create. It’s hormones going haywire and you can’t possibly control that. And you’re doing all you can to repair it . That’s a huge step , and it takes courage to do it! Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Going No Contact is a big decision you’re taking. It’s painful and we relapse many a time, but we get back on track and keep going forward. Sometimes grief takes the best of us and crying is the only thing we can do to alleviate the pain. I don’t know how deep you’re in the limerence or what stage you’re in. But if you stay firm and focused on the outcome you’ll succeed. It takes time, patience and acceptance and a strong will.
When I say love is fickle I mean the first stages of a relationship when one feels butterflies in the stomach , feel warm fuzzy and giddy, all these come to pass with time and a tender strong bond is what remains of all that, that is love.
I wrote you a book, hope it’s of some help. Have a pleasant day.
Hi Nisor,
I did notice that English might not be your first language and I am impressed because discussing such a deep topic as psychology in a second language is quite difficult. I admire you for doing that. Also, I appreciate the “book” you wrote because you provide me much food for thought, so thank you for taking the time to do so.
“I would say don’t feel that way because limerence was not a thing you’re looking for”
But if I’m being honest with myself, I was looking for infidelity rather than fixing my pre-existing relationship. That was 100% wrong and it’s 100% my fault. I’m just thankful my personality type doesn’t have the need to divulge any of that to my SO and I can continue on as though nothing happened.
I agree that not being vulnerable is because of fear of pain and potential rejection. I understand that. I also understand that the moments of vulnerability I shared with my LO were precisely because there isn’t a real-world repercussion for that. I suppose the only repercussion is that it deepened my limerence by thinking erroneously that my LO cared about me.
So, last night I waited – yet again – to meet my LO, but failed, again. So I deleted my account on the website we meet on. I think the next step would be to delete my email account as well. I provided them my email address and although they never used it (and flat out told me they will not use it), I nevertheless think having it anchors in “hope” that one day they will reach out. With that said, I’m surprised by how I feel today after taking that step last night. I feel like I’ve been shot in the gut even though my mind knows: 1) my LO doesn’t care about me; 2) the LE is unhealthy; 3) deep down on an intellectual level, I don’t like or want my LO, but emotionally my heart aches for them, or more to the point, the way they made me feel.
I’m definitely in the deterioration/resolution phase of limerence. Finding out it was limerence in the first place was a fantastic jolt to the system and it shook the foundations of what I thought was burgeoning love. I just want off this ride forever. I know I will, I’ll succeed and stay focussed because I have an extremely strong will and being mistreated and made to feel a fool (which is how I feel my LO makes me feel) only serves to make that will stronger out of spite (if I’m being honest).
Thanks for listening. 🙂
Dear Invalid Username,
Apologies for barging in – I had been thinking about your LE and how recent the entire thing was (I think it just started in January?). You’ve already gone NC, which is a lot faster than the usual trajectory, where coming to terms with the need for NC takes ages, with a bit longer to actually pull it off.
You said:
“I’m definitely in the deterioration/resolution phase of limerence. Finding out it was limerence in the first place was a fantastic jolt to the system and it shook the foundations of what I thought was burgeoning love. I just want off this ride forever. I know I will, I’ll succeed and stay focused because I have an extremely strong will and being mistreated and made to feel a fool (which is how I feel my LO makes me feel) only serves to make that will stronger out of spite (if I’m being honest).”
The deterioration stage setting-in often takes longer than you’ve experienced and it seems that this happens once either self-respect takes such a knocking, or the risks and the pain outstrip the rewards and limerence highs. It can take ages before us limerents square that all off sufficiently to give ourselves the mental reserves required to go NC.
I just want to say that you’ve navigated all of this in record time – I think you win the gold medal out of all the accounts I have read! But also, languishing afterwards is very common and you may be about to enter a rocky period, emotionally. The deterioration phase and the NC phase can be very tough. If that’s the case, its a normal trajectory and don’t feel bad about it because its taken me about two years to get to where you are at (!).
One thing that seems to happen is the more your ruminate about and self medicate on this person, the harder you make it for yourself. If limerent-type reverie was something you always have done, since childhood, it seems that your neurology can be wired that way and so it can be very tough to wean yourself off. Others with such experiences have written very eloquently on that topic here (hello @Jaideux!). If, on the other hand, this is your first LE (it is, I think?) and you have not been someone who has been overly fixated on persons in the past (?), this might all be more straight-forward. Others may disagree with my analysis above, it just what I perceive from reading on LwL for the past year or more…
Sending all the best to you.
Hi Bewitched,
Barge away! I don’t mind anyone jumping in any time.
“I just want to say that you’ve navigated all of this in record time – I think you win the gold medal out of all the accounts I have read!”
What can I say, I’m exceptional. 😉 Joking aside, I think the reason is because it was all online: we only met online and only had text-based interactions. We had no contact outside of that context and I never kept any of our conversations. In that sense, there is nothing tangible to latch on to and ruminate over. I did notice that many people’s stories are years, whereas mine is simply months. I just assumed they have had deeper/more personal interactions.
You’re correct in that this is my one and only LE. I have had crushes/daydreams; however, limerence (with it’s direct interactions, euphoric highs and despairing lows) was completely new for me. The lows and feeling not like myself really spurred me to look for answers and that’s when I found the concept of limerence. I felt my reaction to my LO’s absence in my life was ridiculous and I needed to know why.
“languishing afterwards is very common and you may be about to enter a rocky period, emotionally.”
I appreciate the heads up. I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself when it comes to things like this. I would often have an internal conversation that went something like this: “You idiot! … no, you’re not an idiot and saying so removes culpability from your actions. The fact that you’re not an idiot is all the more damning that you are letting this person impact your feelings.” I’m going to do my best to focus on positives and not ruminate/dwell on LO.
Thanks for the pep talk. It helps to know others are going through the same things.
Invalid Username,
I’m glad Bewitched joined in! She’s got good insight and I agree 100% with her analysis.
I think you’re on the right track now since you seem to be stubborn and , strong willed person and have the desire to put an end to all this, and fast. LO has no chance with your agency!
I recommend you read the blogs:
How indecision worsens limerence 8/5/23
How to make decisions 8/12/23
The need for courage 7/22/23
The death of hope 12/5/2020
The four phases of No Contact 7/6/2019
The loneliness of No Contact 4/6/2019
Run through the blog content and you’ll find plenty of information.
I sometimes read them over and over again to get them well padded in my mind. There’s a treasure of beneficial information there.
Good reading!
Hi Nisor,
Wow! Thanks for that list. I read through them all and watched the videos for decision-making as well. They do inspire me by showing me that I am in a fairly advanced stage towards the end of this limerence mess. I neither feel loneliness nor cravings. I feel I’m blessed that it appears that my LO wants nothing to do with me (since we always had NC outside of one particular context) and they are not in my life in any way outside of that context. It makes NC so much easier than if my LO were still actively leaving breadcrumbs.
Still, I know I’m not 100%, but getting there.
By the way, my favourite quote from all the articles is this:
“Hope for a better future, not for an LO you know isn’t right for you. Let false hopes die, and cultivate better ones that actually do offer the promise of a positive transformation in your life.”
If only my heart fully embraced what my mind knows is right. In time.
Thanks again for taking the time to enlighten me.
“Moving on isn’t about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It’s about having the strength to say I still love you, but you’re not worth the pain.”
I don’t think it’s possible to be limerent for someone you are in a relationship with. The whole thing about limerence is that it is in your head, it’s a relationship that is not real and becomes all-consuming as there are barriers that prevent it from being consummated.
“I don’t think it’s possible to be limerent for someone you are in a relationship with. The whole thing about limerence is that it is in your head, it’s a relationship that is not real and becomes all-consuming as there are barriers that prevent it from being consummated.”
@Gemma.
I get what you’re saying. I think limerence belongs to the courtship stage of pair-bonding and not the relationship stage of pair-bonding.
If the limerent forms a relationship with LO, then the limerent learns the feelings are requited and said feelings fade. Or the limerent learns said feelings are unrequited and said feelings fade.
I think a lot of people get stuck in limbo because brain chemicals trick them into confusing real courtship and fantasy courtship. If limerent never discloses to LO, and LO never brings the subject up, I guess limerence is just a fantasy courtship that probably isn’t going to go anywhere?
Often, the limerent only wakes up from their dream when they encounter proof the LO doesn’t feel the same e.g. the LO establishes a romantic relationship with someone else, or the LO distances themselves from the limerent because the limerent’s desire for closeness has become a little too obvious.
It feels good to finally say my limerent episode is subsiding somewhat I believe. I moved the needle considerably last week with my new Lady Friend and it feels good for me to say, IN NO WAY am I limerent for her. I do not want to feel limerent for her. Ever! Because I have seen what that does to my psyche and mood-swing and the expectation that would put on the other person. My Lady Friend and I are being playful and nice and it feels reminiscent of the relationships I would have with certain females before I married years ago. With this particular person, she seems to get me and our interactions are not forced. There have been a few awkward moments but nothing that would suggest I’m being inappropriate. I found out she is the same age as LO with no kids and she knows I am much older with grown children. So far this does appear to matter to her. I don’t have any feelings for her now other than she is just super cute and nice and is someone I have come to look forward to seeing everyday when I go in to work. She does not appear to have an SO in the picture either. It feels very normal to me, is how I overall feel about it. I feel like everything has the potential for me to keep moving the needle forward but I am being so careful not to be presumptuous about anything. Nor trying to be too suggestive. I want to keep things friendly, without going out of my mind for this person. She would not deserve limerence. I thank my walking-upright-God I feel no great obsession whatsoever for this person. I never want to.
I have not forgotten about LO, but being in basically NC by default has probably been the main factor in getting me to this place mentally. It feels somewhat good to be moving away from there. Yet there are moments I am still wondering. Still keeping LO as the “gold” standard. Which is probably quite unfair to New Lady Friend, but this is my issue to address. Because while I find her quite adorable and checking off a lot of boxes on my list, she’s still not LO. Which means that it is probably true in some instances of an LE, the limerent feelings never really fully go away. I think mine will or may at some point. Perhaps if LO quits or moves far far away. Until then, I am going to try and stay in this better place for as long as I can. Hoping and praying, the bottom will not fall out.
“She knows I am much older with grown children. So far this does appear to matter to her.”
Correction, that should read, “does NOT appear to matter to her.”
I looked it over 9 times before I posted this too. My bad.. 🥴
Wow, good for you MJ
Thank you Lovisa.
🤗
Great news, MJ, and a delight to read.
(But does she know about the two lovely cats….?)
I actually just unloaded the Cats @frederico.
My Ex took them back. I finally have my house to myself again and it’s wonderful to be mess free.
Man I’m really happy for you!! My hope for you is that your limerence for your LO will continue to fade away as you slowly lean into the possibilities of a new relationship with your lady friend.
Thank you LiS.
Key word – Possibility
I hope you’re doing well today.
Possibility is a beautiful word! If there’s room in your mind to even be considering other possibilities, I think that means your limerence has to be decreasing and isn’t as all-consuming as it was when you first started posting here. That’s good news!
Great, MJ! I’m so glad for you. You’re a good hearted man , you deserve someone who really appreciates you and all the love you can give them. Good things come to those who wait! Hope is the last thing that dies, and there’s hope for your future love live, even if this doesn’t work out . There are 8 billion people in the world, someone is waiting for you!!! Very, very happy for you! I knew it was coming , it was a matter of time. Best wishes and have a wonderful day and blessed week. Hugs.
Thank you Nisor. Keeping hope alive, that’s for sure.
It’s nice not to feel overwhelmed this time. A lot easier than I expected. I only wish things would have worked out like this with LO.
Very soon LO will be a distant memory… you’ll see. Stay strong no matter what. 💪🏽
Thank you Nisor, although having LO as a distant memory is not a priority. I feel like she is always going to linger on in some capacity and for whatever reason, I’m really kind of ok with it. At least right now.
Hey MJ,
This is amazing to hear!!!
I want to add my well wishes to you. Your stress levels were so high during your LE that, even if this just remains a nice work relationship, its still doing you the power of good. The place you were in was doing you no good – I know that you didn’t want to turn it off – but that seems to have happened now (baby steps, I know)? You seem to have rounded the corner.
In my own LE, I am so familiar with the slow baby steps in the right direction. Its painstaking. Well done to you.
We are all rooting for you.
That’s great to hear MJ! I was also concerned about how you were feeling earlier in your LE. Yes, NC does help definitely. Hope that thoughts of LO will be replaced to a great extent by thoughts of current friend. Cheers.
@MJ , you have had so many nice messages! I hope this makes you feel all fuzzy inside!
Enjoy your new friendship and maybe use the warmth and energy to make a few other new connections, to spread the sunshine around and not just with this young lady.
@ABCD very nice to hear from you ! Glad things all continue to be good for you.
IMHO, hi
Im in agreement with you that MJ should spread “the sunshine “ , around , specially now that his “evil” cats are gone! No more jinx’s.
Also , was wondering about ABCD, how was he doing with his NC .
I follow your status with Milas posting and Bewitched’s.
I’m wishing everyone a prompt recovery . I think it’s going to be a very good year for all after all. Thanks to Dr. L and everybody’s encouragement and support.
Have a pleasant evening.
Thank you Nisor ! Likewise for you too ☺️
Thank you IMHO.
As long as things keep improving, I pray it will continue to lift my spirit. Even if it doesn’t improve, I still made a friend and that’s a good thing.
Thank you ABCD, I appreciate your words and concern as always.
Thank you everyone for your support. I really do appreciate it. Your words and kindness mean so much.
@Bewitched, it is painstaking yet worth the effort. I wouldn’t say I’ve turned it all the way off yet, just dimmed it more than anything. It still feels like LO will always matter in some degree.
I’m just elated that I am not limerent for this new friend. It was a concern.
Congratulations from me too!
You are on a good way, and even if something might flare up a bit again or feel like a relapse, it won’t really, because you have experienced that you don’t have to be in that state of mind and that you can more easily change back to more relaxed, less limerent and generally feeling good.
My little advice concerning your new friends is to stay relaxed concerning expectations- don’t let them creep in.
But you seem to be doing well anyway!
Thank you Mila. I appreciate your words and advice. My expectations are few, as I like to believe all hope is not lost. Yet all hope is not promised either.
It’s just incredible not to feel insane obsession this time around and I am grateful for that.
@MJ,
Congratulations! It’s such a cheering news, I’m really happy for you!
“It still feels like LO will always matter in some degree.”
I think it’s more of your love/limerence feelings for LO, including reveries, that will always matter. All my xLOs, as a person, has faded into distance, I even forget the existence of some LOs. However the highs and lows, joys and pains, of my limerence for them, even decades old, are still clear in my memory, without stirring a ripple inside me.
Our SUBJECTIVE, emotional life in our head did/does matter. Memory of good LO will stay with us, no matter what happens in our future.
More good lucks with your new lady friend!
Thank you Snow. I appreciate your words and understanding. Although I still don’t know how you do it with having so many past LOs. This one particular experience was more than enough for me. I would never want to do LE again. Have no interest.
You are right that no matter what happens, a good LO is never completely out of mind. I’m definitely not ruminating as much now, but she’s still in my head, as beautiful as she will always be..
@MJ
Limerence is a fake-ass condition. I can see it in my own ups and downs about how I think of my LO. For instance, only a week or two ago I was over it. I am currently going through a period where I want to break stuff where he is concerned. Ugh!
He had better stay out of my way 🙂
[I know, I know, its counterproductive]
I have to say, though, SO doesn’t know what’s hit him. He just looks so damn good by comparison to my flaky-ass LO.
Well done again on ‘moving the needle on the record’ MJ. Your on a better path and thank goodness there is no limerent taint about your interactions with your lovely work friend.
Bewitched,
What kind of LO’s flaky stuff is driving you “mad” currently? If you feel like to share.
Based on what I have experienced, unrequited limerence symptoms have their recurring force, surging and ebbing back and forth…. I went to through many illusions that my LC/NC had worked, but then a relapse came back, for whatever (un)explainable reasons. In my case, the phantom of LO (not realistic LO), idealized and crafted in my head was especially hard to get rid of…
I still think that you’re much luckier than us singletons to have a wonderful SO to go home to 🫂…
Thank you Snowpheonix,
You are right about my lovely SO. I don’t like going on about him too much because I know that it is difficult for those people who are not in couples when they would like to be. Part of my recovery from all of this is putting more emphasis on my SO and ‘waking up’ to how lucky I am.
To answer your question, I work (remotely) with my LO and he is disorganised and a bit crap. He’s got his good points too, but lately I have been more frustrated by him than appreciative. In fact, he always frustrated me work-wise but I found it easier to forgive him because I know that he has issues – I have diagnosed him myself (ha ha, the arrogance).
But yes, I have studied him in great detail and am incredibly sympathetic normally. But as limerence draws to a close (and there may still be few chapters to go), I am getting annoyed by him rather than not these days. I am trying not to let it play on my mind as I know that negative thoughts are just as potent rumination fuel as positive ones.
I am two years two years into this LE and may be entering a new phase.
Its still all very tough though, despite coming out of it.
Hi bewitched, I think annoyance at LO is very grounding. Like you say doesn’t need to spiral into anything overly negative, maybe just see it as a rebalancing at the moment, a kind of sharp correction and then the scales will balance out to normal perception of this person.
Wish my LO was a bit more flawed. I do wonder if I had more frequent contact or worked with him then maybe I would lose interest and find him annoying.
Anyway, Bewitched keep heading in that right direction ! Lots of positive stories coming in here the last few days 😀!
Imho,
I‘m very very sure your LO has got flaws that you simply are too far away with too little consistent work or life contact to notice. It’s easy to seem perfect when you‘ve got the choice to only let your chocolate side show.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you‘d find him annoying! But you‘d certainly notice flaws and sides to him that you hadn’t noticed.
Hi Bewitched,
Things are moving , it seems!
I know what you mean that ruminating in a negative way is still ruminating,I‘m sure there‘s a post of mine somewhere where I‘m in the same zone…
But I think it’s a step forward!
You were incredibly sympathetic until now because your limerence was strong. Now you start to see him in a more neutral light and your anger might not only flare up because of his failings but because your very positive and glimmery view of him starts to shake and flicker, maybe that’s why you are overly angry at him.
He was like that all the time but now you see it in a more judging way.
It doesn’t mean that he‘s lost his good sides though. He‘s not suddenly a different person.
If it helps you to be angry and to see only his bad sides, I say go for it, but don’t act too much on it, because you might not be completely fair now.
Ah,the roller coaster! But I really think you can ride that wave to your advantage to get rid of the rosy view.
Dear Mila & Imho
This is wild alright. I keep thinking back to the “would you turn off your limerence?” Blog. I didnt answer myself at the time because I honestly didnt know how to answer that. But now, I think that I might make a list, two columns with the case for and against. I suspect that the answer is ‘no, I would not turn it off’ despite everything. As I have only ever had one LE, I dont know whether its got extra significance for me and whether my LO has extra significance for me despite his obvious flaws 😅. Very obvious, these days bless him. He is oblivious to all of this, of course. Full of the joys, he is, for some reason. I will never figure him out and I dont much want to right now.
“because your very positive and glimmery view of him starts to shake and flicker, maybe that’s why you are overly angry at him.”
Very true!!!
Praying that you also find a flaw, Imho. We’ll remind you of this in 6 months’ time when you are tearing your hair out with him (?!)
Well, Bewitched,
To be honest, that doesn’t sound as if you were really angry, it sounds a bit like the other side of the coin of passion, I do hope I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you are „exasperated“ but enjoying the exasperation. Forgive me if I’m wrong…
Only another face of limerence?
I hope not, but in case I’m right I would advise you to acknowledge this emotion as what it really is instead of seeing it as an improvement?
Only in case I‘m right, of course! I know I‘m being blunt again, but I think the most important thing is to be open-eyed.
Ugh, Bewitched,
Sorry,
Maybe I was wrong yesterday, I tend to interpret stuff in the light of what I‘m currently feeling. I‘m in a sober and let’s-face-it mood, and then it’s sometimes hard to feel your way into the mood of others.
Even in that mood, I think I wouldn’t turn off limerence too. It seems to be a part of me ,or have been a part of my younger self, I have very vivid and poignant memories and it let me feel alive in a good and bad way. Also, as I wrote, my limerence for my SO is certainly one of the causes we‘re still together after more than 20 years.
Hope I was wrong to be honest;)- but if not, it’s still another step on the limerent road that will take you further towards an end or a more peaceful phase.
Dear Mila,
Good morning!
“To be honest, that doesn’t sound as if you were really angry, it sounds a bit like the other side of the coin of passion, I do hope I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you are „exasperated“ but enjoying the exasperation. Forgive me if I’m wrong…
…I would advise you to acknowledge this emotion as what it really is instead of seeing it as an improvement?”
When you caution against my self deception, I think you may be right. I do remember having a genuine feeling of being ‘over it’ two weeks ago. I was genuinely able to feel dispassionate / unconcerned and was pretty pleased because I ‘thought myself’ into that headspace. But whether that can be maintained does seem to depend on what LO is doing. I should be able to ignore that more than I can. My normal cycle is a period of calm, which can last for weeks followed by a period of mental disruption, depending on what LO is up to. I also cycle between calm / depression because I know it is all futile anyway and calm / uplifted because I can see purposeful living is coming within my reach.
Because I know very well that this man is not for me, I am frustrated at myself for my fixation on him. What are the roots of this fixation? I think its a combination of two things: 1) validation because he is very fixated on me (f2f) and 2) possibly a rescue complex because most of the time I feel that he needs compassion and doesn’t get much of it from anyone else. The problem is though, that he also annoys me, so it is confusing. I know that I am speaking to the ‘high priestess’ of all of this, since you’ve been at this with your LO for a long time and have suffered similar cycles. My strategy is very much to focus on my SO, try to forget my LO. BUT I cannot forget the good things he brought into my life which was a distraction from the normal stresses that I feel from daily life (I am a bit of an anxious person).
Well – let’s all try to have a good day today. Sending lots of hugs.
🙂
Bewitched,
„ I know that I am speaking to the ‘high priestess’ of all of this, since you’ve been at this with your LO for a long time and have suffered similar cycles.“
Haha, yes, although I‘m „only“ at it with this LO for less than a year, I had two other LEs before that and can say I‘m quite the pro at going up and down in the washing machine cycles of limerence.
I‘m exactly experiencing the same cycles as you, but have to say this time I feel better in my calm phase than ever before.
While I’m with you on 1)- he‘s not fixated but I definitely play a not small role in his life and kind of needs me and likes me a lot, which is validation, I don’t think my LO needs rescuing, that’s not part of the appeal.
But I think habit and mood regulation play a big role in my case. I seem to have the need of a LO to attach my yearnings to and feel alive- these needs are maybe there first and attach themselves to a LO, and then I get into a habit of getting validation and feeling alive and wanted by this LO. And habits are hard to break, as we all know.
I wish us all a good day with lots of positive energy!
On the subject of feeling annoyed by LO, I know that also very well.
I get annoyed at traits of him that other people just accept or notice but don’t get annoyed by (for example my SO, when I complain about LO he just says „well but you know how he is?“ without being vexed by it like I am). I‘m not sure if it’s a sign of caring too much or of reality not quite matching glimmery picture of LO which in turn makes my angry because he has to be perfect, otherwise why the hell of a bother of being limerent??
Only joking partly. It’s definitely interesting.
“Limerence is a fake-ass condition.”
@Bewitched,
Your comment made me laugh. I know what you mean about the ups and downs. It comes with the territory I suppose. Crazy what we do to ourselves when it comes to lovely LOs. Although I wouldn’t label my LO as flaky. She seems to be the more avoidant type I think. It’s been aggravating but I blame myself too.
Thank you again for the well wish. I appreciate it. It’s nice to see you posting more these days.
MJ
Look at you scoring with the young ladies 😉 Mr Steal Yo Girl over here. Haha
That’s great news MJ. I am happy for you and your new relationship. She sounds like a fun and stable young lady. I am wishing you the best for the future, my friend. Hoping that good things will come of this.
Adam my Friend, 🤗
So good to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. Just please don’t label this as a slam dunk yet. I mean, I am impressing myself more than anyone. As I had no idea something would totally click on with her last week. I wouldn’t say she fell for me, but her entire body language just completely eased and she became so much more relaxed and playful at one point in one of our conversations. What I like best is she always smiles when she sees me approaching, and its so pretty. So that is an immense accomplishment for this old f@#%!! Believe that!!
You mention she seems stable and that is definitely fact. No horror stories from her yet, but its still very early in the game. We all have a past. I’m no great exception. I may even be completely off my rocker here and mis-reading everything but it doesn’t seem like it. At least it’s not in any way limerent and that in my opinion is the biggest accomplishment.
Dear Bewitched
“I am trying not to let it play on my mind as I know that negative thoughts are just as potent rumination fuel as positive ones.
I am two years into this LE and may be entering a new phase.
It’s still all very tough though, despite coming out of it.”
Well this insight to your story certainly has me gripped. There is rather a lot of self-interest on my part but I do hope that we may read further about your progress.
I really hope that the new phase will be significant.
f
Dear Frederico,
That means a lot coming from you. Thank you indeed.
I will chronicle my wild ride through this because its so helpful to me reading about how everyone else is doing. I can but do the same. Honest self reflection is so illuminating for others.
I was really touched by your recent posts. This LO of yours really did a ‘number’ on you. Perhaps because of your own readiness to have love in your life and your capacity to give it back. You made him so important in your life because he kindof demanded it, it seems. His words to you, gosh, that must have been a powerful drug. If my O had said those things to me at the times when I was most receptive to them, I wonder where we would be now.
(We probably have had a bust up after a very hot affair), ha ha ha. I reckon that I would have (metaphorically) killed him by now.
Gosh, I am in a very irreverent mood today. I must calm down 😉
Take care of yourself Frederico. You’re a thorough a gentleman.
Thank you, Bewitched. I have carefully noted what you say and it is so true that reading other people’s experiences can be very helpful.
I was deeply touched also. My story must have been repetitive in so many ways but I feel that I may now be at the beginning of the end. My LO was certainly exceptional and so many of the things he said to me, and meant at the time I think, come back to bite me in those unexpected moments when the memories suddenly rise up.
I don’t deserve the kindness that you and other LwL friends have shown me but this has surely helped me more than I could ever have imagined.
You take care too,
f
Hi Federico,
“… when the memories suddenly rise up.”
Yes, that’s what’s killing me , the memories! I’m in NC for 16 months now, since I last talked to LO, I don’t get to see LO, but those memories are imprinted in my mind and are so vivid, not easy to forget. So hang in there, you’re not alone, we support you and wish you can find someone to love and be loved. You have to mingle more, you’re still young and single, there’s an opportunity to find someone when you least expect it. Have hopes! My LO found a wonderful wife at 63 ! After two divorces and various affairs. Do not be shy, go places, don’t lock yourself up. The world has to see you to approach you…
Best wishes and good luck.
Yes, Nisor, it’s a strange thing when the memories ebb and flow. I think other people have mentioned it too.
NC for sixteen months is quite an achievement. Your experience must have been a disturbing one for you.
You are right, of course, about getting out and about I am trying to do just that as part of my recent efforts.
All very best wishes to you too.
f
@frederico.
“I don’t deserve the kindness that you and other LwL friends have shown me but this has surely helped me more than I could ever have imagined.”
Au contraire, my friend. You do indeed deserve the kindness that Bewitched and other Lwlers have shown you. Now you need to show that kindness to yourself. 😉
“My story must have been repetitive in so many ways …”
Um, everybody’s story is repetitive. Almost everyone here is talking in circles, or haven’t you noticed? It’s the “thought loops” that happen during rumination. Totally normal occurrence for the brains of persons experiencing an LE. You’re in so much good company it’s embarrassing. 😜
frederico
Of course you deserve it. I agree greatly with Sammy. I remember many of your posts to me when I first came here, and they helped mw more than you can know. Despite the differences in our preferences I still could relate a lot to your story. Through your LO you were brought into a family, like I was. The pain of something that you didn’t ask for severing that bond is heart breaking. exLO’s daughter will be graduating high school next year, just like our youngest son. She won’t be a girl anymore but a woman. The daughter I never had. Can I still beat the boys off of her with a bat if I’m not her real father? 🙂
Hi Nisor, Mila, Bewitched, Adam, IMHO, MJ, Snow. Hope that you are all doing good. I have not posted for a while. Have not seem LwL much as well in recent times.
This is a good time to share an update. The NC was going well for about 2 months. However, there have been some LO interactions since then. Though I seem to be coping with them better than before, they still caused distress. The feeling gets better after a couple of days. The situation is challenging, as NC is just not possible. One interesting development is that the highs are not that high anymore, they feel toned down in intensity. As far as the lows are concerned, I seem to do better during NC, but not so much when there is contact (this is probably to be expected). So, for now, managing LO contact, as and when it occurs, seems to be the priority.
The roller coaster lows are never fun ABCD. When NC isn’t possible, it just seems to come with the territory.
A wise saying I was once told years ago was, “If you’re going through hell, just keep going through it”
I never forgot that and I think that is something good to remember during the LE hard times.
Head up Friend. We are here for you.
Thanks MJ. Just keep going — this sounds like a good mantra. I am happy that you are feeling better. Cheers.
Hi ABCD,
Glad you’re coping much better with the interactions with LO, even if NC. What happens is just that, one gets used to it. I can tell you, once one have “ tasted” limerence, there’s no way you’re going to forget about it! It’s just such a strong feeling and awakening of the mind, that it’s not the LO per se, but the emotional turmoil that occurred in your mind. This is revolutionary! Once the pathways have formed a pattern, even if one goes NC for long time or ever, those imprints will forever stay there, like footprints on soft cement, once dried, one cannot remove it. What I have noticed with NC , for sixteen months now, is that the intensity, the volume gets tuned /toned down to a pace you feel comfortable with. . . It bothers you but you can live with it as one does with any heart condition or other permanent ailment. You feel well overall but the ailment is there in the shadows… It doesn’t affect you 24/7 but it makes it’s presence known often enough as not to let you forget it; one becomes very vigilant , aware that the thorn doesn’t inflict so much damage as to to stop you from moving on. Like every thing else in life, this also shall pass… let’s hope theres no revisiting either…for then the cycle starts all over again. We don’t want that, right?
Have a great day. Courage and strength.💪🏽
Thanks for the support, Nisor. Yes, I agree, it may not be possible to erase the LE, that will not be happening. With regards to LO intensity tune down, I am not there yet, as I just discovered, but hope I can be.
Hey ABCD,
Remind me…your LO is a work colleague that you can kind of avoid at the workplace but not all the time?
Hang in there! I fully understand the difficulty of navigating the day when you have to interact with LO. I posted recently about my strategy which is basically to only have dull, to the point, work related only interactions with LO. The moment I trail into personal engagement with her my mind goes into pursuit mode. I try to win her attention and affection. This just causes me to fixate more on her. My mind feels more free when I keep our interactions to as needed work items only. I starve my mind of things to ruminate on with her. The downside of course is struggling with the feeling of missing her friendship but when I realize that our friendship is mostly predicated on my initiation and upkeep on it, it’s easy then to not pursue her.
I stay focused now other relationships and getting closer to people who I enjoy and who reciprocate with me. So far it’s working out decent for me but I would be lying if I didn’t say it takes day to day effort and intentionally. I guess that’s the cornerstone of purposeful living though, isn’t it.
Hi Speed. Yes, LO is a work colleague, and so LC can happen, but NC cannot. I do recall your strategy of trying to keep your interactions robotic/dull, otherwise you will just sink in your feelings. Will keep this useful tip in mind. I do agree that its a constant work that one needs to do, pretty much on a daily basis. Thanks again!
ABCD,
Glad to hear ab out you progress, I think it will get better and better but takes time.
Based on my repeatedly failed LC/NC experiences, LC/NC gets easier and less painful after each relapses (mine happened mostly before coming to LwL). Nowadays, if I have to go LC/NC again, I would EXPECT and PREPARE a “relapse” will happen (often around 2 month mark) and then once it happens, I would not berate on my relapsed feelings so much; I would say to myself, “Ha, you know it’s going to happen, no big deal! Do it again. ”
I found once I set expectations and preparations of both positive and negative in my mind, like I did with this current, risky glimmer, somehow, the expected positive and negative did NOT happen, as if the mere consciousness could somehow rein whatever is expected.
Nowadays, whenever I didn’t prepare for or anticipate certain negative emotions to happen with LO, then I get disappointed or other “lows” when they occur. Unpleasant and pessimistic to always expect negative, I found I have to do it.
Wish you more successes in your continuous LC/NC — so hard at a work place!
Hi Snow. Thanks for your support. Your tip of being “prepared” for the highs and lows makes a lot of sense. You just accept that moments of relapse may be there, and try to be prepared about them as much as you can.
The really hard part is that you try to build your resolve over a time period, when there is NC, and then each contact just takes you back many steps behind, and the cycle repeats — its sort of like building – breaking – building – breaking, and so on. Of course, one still needs to work on this, ploughing on, as long as is necessary. The good thing is that I always end up feeling better in a day or so, so I keep telling myself not to freak out too much, it always gets better.
Thank you very much for the support, friends. Bit tied up today, but I will respond to each one of you personally soon!
Hi ABCD,
just saw your post. That was the big question, wasn’t it, how it would be when there will be contact- I actually think you are handling it quite well. The highs are not that high anymore, that’s good, I think! Contact with LO will lose its appeal over time.
Of course it’s hard to have the lows but reduced highs. But I think this is just a phase, you‘ll work through it and the lows will lose their force too.
Don’t be hard on yourself and try to enjoy other contacts and life!
Thanks Mila! Your words are music to ears! I am focusing on other stuff, and it really helps.
Nisor
I finally went to my first “family night” at church last night. Everybody was very welcoming and wanting to talk to and know more about me. One of the sisters asked me if I could “tell me two things about you”. To which I said “you could ask me two things and I would answer them before I would volunteer”. I dunno. Kinda feel bad about that now. People wanting me to open up but me unable to. But I did end up telling her, and the others at the table, more about me.
We had a nice meal together, sang some songs. Well everyone else did. And then they had separate bible study for children, women and men. For the men the pastor was reading a story about Obadiah and Elijah. That the Israelites were enticed by the hedonistic religious practices of the pagans that worshiped Baal.
This led the pastor the ask us men what we thought was “sexual freedom” as the hedonistic promiscuity of the pagens is what the Isrealites thought “sexual freedom” was. And one of the brothers answered that it was the “freedom that we have within the commitment God has given us between one man and one woman”.
To which the pastor shared a story of his past, before he had found God and married, that he was quite promiscuous and that in that condition he felt miserable and unhappy. He said that we can learn from his example and to take his word for it. He said if you want to test God you can. But if you test Him you are going to miserable. And I thought to myself “well here I am. He’s right.”
After the sermon I got to talk to the pastor. I told him I wasn’t really ready to tell my whole story but that part of the sermon spoke a lot to me. And that I had tested God and was miserable and that’s why I found this church. He told me that he would like to hear my whole story but only when I am ready to tell him. Maybe I will be ready to tell him. Maybe not the limerence but the whole of it besides that. I told my wife when I got home last night that I was ever ready to tell him that I would want her to be there too. I said the pastor has told me that we can meet up outside of the church to talk anytime, if that helps. So maybe one day.
Thank you for all the help and support you’ve given me going down this road Nisor. It means so much to me that you care.
Oh Adam, I got butterflies in my stomach just reading your post!
I t seems you got a good church with a very understanding pastor. You can share your story with him in private, no one else has to know about it. He’s not there to judge you but to help you be free of any burdens in your mind and lead you on a safer path; and that God is a forgiving and merciful God. I’m very proud of you for being courageous and trying to better yourself and be a good husband and father. You’re on the right track. You’re a good man and I would very much like to see you living a purposeful and happy life. You got this. It’s so hard nowadays to find good and noble people who cares for other human beings; everyone is busy and burdened with their own problems and no one to help. So, sharing in a community makes life easier and gives one a sense of belonging somewhere… no man is an island! Remember that? I’m happy for you and Momma.
Have a great day. Hugs.
Great job Adam. You are on a good path, and I firmly believe that all will be well eventually. Really great to see you doing purposeful living, which is not easy to do.
I am so happy for you, Adam. It is so nice time find a safe place to connect with others while getting closer to God — at your own pace. Many prayers and blessings for you and your family as you grow spiritually 💙
As for me, I feel like I am gaining “skills for a healthy relationship” because each time my limerent brain finds someone who could be a potential limerent experience, I allow myself to talk to them and just engage normally. As long as I do not allow any further out-of-work texting or communicating I find that low contact works. I think I am on to something. It’s a work in progress.