A defining feature of limerence is emotional instability – someone else seems to have control over your mood. When they are happy, you are euphoric; when they are unhappy, you are anxious and insecure.
This loss of control over your own emotional regulation can be profoundly unsettling.
One of the reasons why purposeful living is effective as a “cure” for limerence is that it cultivates the deliberate practice of making positive changes to your life, regaining control over your mood regulation. Focusing on how your choices affect your future develops what’s known as an internal locus of control.
This psychological principle asserts that believing you have the capacity to determine your own fate leads to much better life outcomes than believing that external forces are unbeatable.
Importantly, it doesn’t matter how difficult your life actually is, or how many barriers you truly face, the outcome will still be better if you believe that you can take meaningful action to improve your situation. Whether or not you ultimately succeed in bringing about your ideal future through purposeful living, it’s advantageous to believe it’s possible.
To find out what your current “locus of control” is you can take an online test, but your initial gut reaction to the concept is pretty predictive about what the result is likely to be.
For example, many people on hearing the claim immediately start thinking of exceptions. What about extreme poverty? What about abusive parents? What about rigged corporate or economic systems? Only the privileged enjoy the luxury of an independent life.
Other people think it’s self-evident. No-one is coming to save you. You have to take responsibility for yourself. Starting building useful things or learning useful skills and your life will inevitably get better. Stop making excuses.
When it comes to limerence, there is the additional complication that infatuation is so far outside the range of normal life experience that is almost defined by a sense of powerlessness. Our limerent objects seem to have sovereignty over us. We feel at the mercy of external forces – we are humbled by the desire they inflame in us, and our inability to resist their magnetism.
That illustrates an important point: even if we generally feel purposeful, our locus of control can vary in different areas of life. We may believe in our ability to progress in our career through hard work and good choices, but simultaneously believe that romantic love is mysterious, inscrutable, and governed by the capriciousness of fate.
To succeed in transforming the pain of unwanted limerence into renewal, we need to understand how to shift that locus of control from outside to within.
Limerence is happening in our heads. That’s where the change in mindset is needed.
1. Demoralisation
When limerence transitions from euphoria to addiction, it is usually accompanied by a sense of emotional surrender. We admit defeat (even, secretly, relish it) and attribute our powerlessness to outside causes – they led us on, they’re extraordinary, this is True Love.
For a while this brings relief, but as time goes on it becomes demoralising. Again and again we attempt to resist temptation, and repeatedly fail. We resolve to take action, pull ourselves together… and then give in to the craving. Running on instinct leads us deeper into limerence.
Repeat this process enough times and we can develop learned helplessness. This idea is well explained by a classic experiment on dogs. One group of dogs were harnessed in a cage with a floor that delivered an electric shock. They could learn to shut off the shocks by pressing a button. However, a second group of dogs were just harnessed, with no off-switch, and so were (unknowingly) dependent on the first set of dogs to end the pain.
Once trained in the shock chambers, the dogs were transferred into a new set up where they could escape a floor shock by jumping over a small barrier into a second compartment in the cage. The dogs who had access to the off-switch during training quickly learned how to escape the pain. The second set of dogs, who had learned that they had no control over the seemingly random shocks, simply sat in the first compartment, whimpering, and waiting for the punishment to stop.
All they had to do was to take a small step over a barrier, but they had been trained into helplessness.
2. Barriers
To continue with this analogy, sometimes the barriers between the electric shocks of limerence and the freedom of purposeful living can seem insurmountable, even for a motivated pup.
You may feel trapped by responsibility, or stifled in an unhappy marriage. You may have already crossed a line with LO and be too scared to disclose your infidelity to a spouse. Your life may be so entangled with mortgage, children and finances that you don’t feel you are making a free choice and can’t leave even if you want to. You may have professional or social connections that mean you cannot go No Contact with LO.
The demoralisation may be so profound that you have given up trying, because everywhere you look for solutions just presents new problems.
There are real, practical and sizeable barriers between limerence limbo and freedom, but you only really have three choices – try and overcome them, find a path around them, or cower on the floor and hope that someone else turns the electricity off.
3. Changing mindset
Resistance to change generally comes from fear. The thought of changing your narrative, changing your behaviour, confronting difficult barriers, is aversive. One of the reasons we give up so readily is to avoid that discomfort. Getting past that discomfort requires a shift in mindset.
One technique is radical acceptance. Life is hard sometimes. It is not possible to escape suffering. The world can be profoundly unfair, and good people suffer hardship through no fault of their own. Accepting that truth does not mean validating or discounting the pain, it just means accepting the limits of what you can control and acting within them.
For someone trapped in person addiction, this might look something like:
I’m in a mess. It’s partly my fault. I feel powerless, but I have to change my behaviour to get out of this.
You might think at this point “that’s all very well, but I still don’t know what to do!”
Really?
Mostly, if we’re honest, we know what we need to do to improve our situation. We just don’t want to do it. We all know we should sleep well, eat well, exercise regularly, act with integrity, support our friends and family, be compassionate to others (but not sentimental), and be true to ourselves. Remarkably few of us manage it.
Radical acceptance reveals why honesty is such an important foundation stone for purposeful living. If you are going to improve your situation, you have to accept it as it is, and not make excuses or rationalisations.
4. Taking action
Like many people, I’ve read dozens of books on habits, behavioural change, focus, addiction and productivity, all full of excellent advice, but all being followed by a limitless number of new titles. The reason that the self-development field remains so vibrant and active is that transitioning from learning to doing is really tough.
From all that reading, and all the theories expounded, there are two principles that seem to be universally agreed on.
First, don’t try and leap the barrier in a single bound. Take it in stages. Keep it simple. Just as you wouldn’t go to the gym and try and bench press 300 lbs without practice, mindset change is a process of small gains adding up over time and moving you consistently into a more purposeful mode of being. Get into the practice of taking small steps in the right direction. Do one thing that moves you closer to your vision of a purposeful life everyday, and you are underway. You will make astonishing progress over the course of a year.
Second, one of the most powerful levers for shifting mindset is recognising that doing nothing is also a choice. Inaction is the decision to stay where you are. It means you will remain in the same situation, suffering the same emotional toll, using the same maladaptive coping strategies, but also getting older and more demoralised.
Small acts of courage compound. Changes add up. Staying where you are is worse than moving in the right direction, however slowly.
Don’t be a dog trained into helplessness, cowering in a cage.
Take the first little leap to freedom.
You did it again! You’re a genius Dr L!
I would say that courage leads to Freedom, fear to inaction.
A quote for today: (Nikita Gill)
“Your heart will fix itself. It’s your mind where you locked the memories, your mind where you have kept the pieces of the ones
that hurt you, that still cut through you like shards of glass, your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, destroy you over and over again. You need to CONVINCE your mind that it has to LET GO…because your heart already knows how to heal.”
A wonderful weekend to everyone. Courage brings victory!
Ahhh MJ. Did you enjoy the dog analogy? If I could send a jolt via this form, would that kick your a&$ enough to make you step over the barrier? 😅 But you do seem to be moving forward so I’m glad about that ☺️
Your cheerleader 🎉
Cordelia 😁
Awww, thank you Dear. That’s very sweet. I did enjoy the Dog analogy and actually saw myself in that cage.
You know me well enough already to know when I need a good kick in the arse. Keep it up.. 🤣🤗
I liked this line a lot too.
“There are real, practical and sizeable barriers between limerence limbo and freedom, but you only really have three choices – try and overcome them, find a path around them, or cower on the floor and hope that someone else turns the electricity off.”
Naturally I’m on the floor cowering, whimpering, just waiting for that special someone to come take over and rescue me from LOs grasp.
I have often believed that will be the only way I give her up.
Hahaha well in my experience I was ‘rescued’ from my LE by someone high in narcissistic traits who went on to destroy my self esteem over the next ten years.
Took me that long to realise ‘I’ had to rescue me. By doing the work. Pretty sure that’s the point Dr L is making here, too.
I use a ships analogy when I think of the way people just go from relationship to relationship or LE to LE without taking time to turn inward.
When my real life relationship tanked (we’ll call that ship the C&G) I went down with it. I was in the open ocean drowning. My psychologist threw me a life vest. It wasn’t enough to get me anywhere but it stopped me from drowning. I managed to start swimming slowly towards a deserted island. I started building a small boat and kept building until I built the ship I’m sailing now. My psychologist sailed by every now and then, threw me some helpful items, but the rest was me.
Now what I’m finding is men (too often married men in sinking ships) look at my ship and think ‘wow, how can I get aboard that ship?’ And the answer will always be ‘you can’t’ because if you haven’t done the work and learnt how to build and sail this kind of ship effectively, you will systematically dismantle it. The ship still encounters rough seas. It still needs maintenance, but it’s resilient and it will weather most storms.
Nobody will ever board my ship. I will happily sail alongside someone for as long as we’re going in the same direction. We can support each other. But there will be no codependency. So, what I’m saying is, nobody who’s in a resilient ship is coming to rescue you. They may throw you a life vest, but with no intent to rescue. Be very wary of anyone who wants to ‘rescue’ you and build your OWN ship!
@Cordelia,
Perhaps I shouldn’t have used the word “rescue”. It makes me sound too dependent. I’ve been supporting myself since my divorce in 2011. I must be doing ok to have gone on this long without completely going under. But I can’t say the years leading up to divorce were easy. Many, many rough waters along the way.
Your “Ship” metaphor reminds me of a quote I went to during the rough years..
“I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust the sails”.
I’m sure you’ve heard that one before too. It’s a little cliche for me now, but I still kinda like the positive vibe I get from it.
I get that “I” am the only one who can really help myself best. I guess trying not to be hard on myself would help too. Trying to reach a happy medium between liking and hating myself is hard. I feel like I have a lot to offer. Especially to LO. I look at her picture and sometimes I think we would be so perfect for each other. Yet I also know thats terrible limerence there talking. Then I get down because she’s never around. It’s just the idea of her seems so enticing.
And then back to the “Ship” metaphor, how do I even know getting on her ship is a good thing? She looks like the sweetest, most perfect Cruise Ship ever. With every possible amenity and luxury known to man. I would love to board her. But what if it’s all fake? Guess I’ll never know if I don’t make my move.
I should probably just try to stay content sailing alongside her. I promise I’ll never take her down or try to be overpowering. (I spent too many years being an a-hole to my ex) I’m tired of having to be right all the time. I’ll do whatever LO wants. After all, she’s not even 30 and has a divorce under her belt. I know it probably wasn’t easy. Divorce never is.
I’ll keep a lookout for that life vest. Maybe I’ll get lucky and LO will be the one throwing it. You never know.
Thanks for staying in touch, Cheerleader..
🤗😘
Good morning Cordelia
How right you’re with the analogy of the ship!
Quotes for today:
“Sometimes in life, your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson.”
(Brigitte Nicole)
“The biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late”
That’s why we need to look inside ourselves. Try to heal as fast as we can, and aim for a reasonable vision we can accomplish where we can put our hopes on, and move on with a song in our hearts and a good fence around us…
The future holds beautiful surprises if we DECIDE to move on, that means doing things that will propel us to a new dawn. One step at the time, stop, validate yourself, then to the next step and the next. Leaving the past behind and extending yourself towards a better future. Why not start NOW?
@Nisor
Thank you 😊 I like those two quotes. Both very true in my experience!
@MJ
I asked out gym guy. The one I actually liked. Just sent a brief message. He said he’s keen to meet so we’ll see if that goes anywhere. Felt good to challenge myself and put it out there even if we find out we’re not compatible. But it feels honest and respectful.
Now it’s your turn…
Have courage. You got this!
@Cordelia,
If only it was that easy Dear. Only that easy..
Song of the Blog: “Self Control” – Laura Brannigan (1984)
https://youtu.be/U8v6lFnnBug
I love Laura Brannigan! My wife says her staccato sounds like a machine gun.
She died at 56 from a brain aneurysm.
I like the song!
Love this post!!!
When I was in the throes of limerence and was feebly trying to extricate myself I bought a mug that said “ if you dream it you can do it”. I finally did do it and the mug feels like a trophy.
As far as the learned helplessness experiment, I think all the shady LOs should be subjected to it.
Jaideux
“The mug as a trophy”=well done, well done, congratulations!
“As far as the learned helplessness experiment, I think all the shady LOs should be subjected to it.”
That made me laugh ! You have me in agreement. And we can fantasize about it too…
This is a brilliant post, Dr. L. Full of fantastic gems and useful advice. One to bookmark for sure. Thanks so much.
One of the best Twilight Zone episodes:
“The Nick of Time” S2E7 (1960)
https://youtu.be/405IKLIMvJo
Who/what controls your life? If you have time, watch the entire episode.
And sometimes you are that puppy who isn’t even motivated to escape the torture because they keep on hoping that it will turn into pleasure eventually.
Thank you for this post, Dr L. It comes at the perfect time for me. I did the locus quiz and am very deeply governed by an outside locus of control! It tells me who I am as a person – am I boring people? Am I too moody and weird? Am I unpredictably suddenly quiet and depressed/upset (when I see LO being close to his SO or other women) and is that annoying? It tells me how I look – am I thin enough? Am I attractive? Do I look old? It is a complete PITA now I think about it!
I feel as if I’m so many different people in different scenarios, I can’t keep up with who I really am. I don’t even know who I am, what I want, what my beliefs and goals are. I feel like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when she’s asked what kind of eggs she likes!
It’s time to sort this out. I firmly believe that small steps are the way to go for me. Now if I could only work out what those steps actually are!
I too got the low score for external locus. Which doesn’t make sense to me based on how I answered the questions as I was going. Maybe I had too many “unsure” answers because some of those question could have various factors that contribute either way and the question was too concert and not considering those factors.
Ultimately though I think I got a low score because the test doesn’t know how to factor in my ISFJ personality and looks at the “people pleasing” answers as being dependent. And maybe it is. I don’t rely on people too much because my pessimistic view tells me people will always fail me if there is not something in it for them. So I don’t ask for help and try do it all on my own.
” It tells me how I look – am I thin enough? Am I attractive? Do I look old?”
That comes from confidence in yourself first before anyone else’s opinion. Through my own midlife I wondered those questions. So I decided I wanted to reinvent myself. Exercising to loose weight, stop smoking and started to change my whole wardrobe. Not caring that to most people I looked like I am a groomsman in a wedding not grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. Confidence in yourself will help you with those self doubts you have about yourself. So than it doesn’t rely on other’s opinion of you. But I understand in your case since your specific feelings are about your LO. And I won’t at all sit here and preach when I desperately wanted to get LO’s attention.
And no C4Cat you don’t look old. As a man that himself likes women older than myself my whole life, don’t second guess yourself. I’d look around a 20 something to see an older woman with silver hair any day. 🙂
Oh and that’s another thing, I too am gray and have no inclination to dye my hair. I got my wife a sweatshirt (when she finally decided to stop dying her hair) that says “these aren’t gray hairs, they are strands of wisdom”.
I like that slogan. I only have a couple of grey hairs – maybe that’s why I’m being such an idiot at the moment! Not much more I can do to reinvent myself physically – I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been, don’t smoke, don’t dress up as such very often but in public I don’t look like a bag lady. Although I have to admit that since this LE started I am making more of an effort… I think my reinvention is all to do with the inside of my head!
What’s ISFJ?
ISFJ is one of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs trait indicator. They based their research on Carl Jung’s work in psychiatry. The MBTI was devised as a way to explain how people’s personality work from a psychiatric point of view. Of the 16 personality types each one is broken down to our four cognitive functions.
ISFJ is
Primary function: Introverted
Auxiliary function: Sensing
Tertiary function: Feeling
Inferior function: Judging
All of the functions mean to explain how I sense the world around me, my interactions with others, how I process information, make decisions, etc
There are numerous online tests you can take that will tell you what your personality type is. I don’t think it is concrete science but it is interesting to helping you better understand your personality and why you do the things you do. What you are typed is also heavily built on your attachment style as well. For instance my “feeling” and “judging” functions come from my anxious attachment style.
Dr. L also did a post on the correlation of MBTI types and limerence.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-common-is-limerence/
Thanks Adam, that sounds interesting and might help me. I’ll find a test and give it a go.
When you do Cat, let me know where you found the test. I might try it also..
I tried to post a link in a previous comment and it didn’t post. So try 16 Personalities website. They have a fairly reliable test. I typed for INFJ on two other tests before I took this one and I got ISFJ which was spot on. If you are an introverted type many tests falsely mistype people INFJ which is on of the rarest personality types making up something like 6-7% of the population.
Thanks Adam,
I dabbled in this subject before but can’t remember what category I would have fallen under. I know however, I am an introvert.
I got high score on everything except career, which I got 50, and it doesn’t make sense because my answers were the opposite of what the low score description said. But overall was high too.. not sure if they helps me anyway.
I believe they I can make anyone like me, but there are some people that I simply don’t care about enough to put in an effort. I believe that if I was single and LO was single, he would be smitten with me. I am not necessarily very confident, and I don’t act like I am superior in anyway, however I do like myself a lot. Except that lately I am not acting in a way that I like, and I am being driven by crazy emotions. Some days I still find some peace and clarity. Like right now I am sitting here, after a day with not nearly enough interaction with LO. And for a few moments I convinced myself that I am ok and I can get over this and I don’t need him to talk to me at all. And I am not going to reach out this week. I am only going to talk to him if he reaches out first. Wish me luck.
I just found this blog via the Recovery Room Podcast. Reading these articles and comments – I can’t believe how many others are going through exactly what I am (and have been over a handful of different LOs). I’d only even learned the term limerence last week. Anyway, it’s comforting to know this is a real thing and I’m not just crazy 😊
Welcome to the forums Jo! They are full of useful advice. Wish you great strength.
Thank you, ABCD! I’m already feeling more empowered over my emotions simply by reading all the stories and advice 🙂