This week’s dilemma is from a reader who is not themselves a limerent, but discovered the phenomenon to her cost when her husband became besotted with another woman:
My husband changed personality over night. I don’t recognise him or any of what he is doing it is so out of character. 8 weeks ago he told me he didn’t know if he loved me or wanted to be with me.
Harriet is in crisis. Her husband became limerent for a co-worker who is also married with children, but more than a decade younger than him. Not unreasonably, Harriet reached her limits of patience and gave him an ultimatum.
So, he has left now due to me giving him an ultimatum, her or me, i.e. pack her in and come off social media, texts etc, or we are done. He left saying he can’t he tried but can’t.
It didn’t work out how she hoped, but that is always a risk with an ultimatum. It forces an outcome. Now she is plagued by more uncertainty, and trapped in cycles of intrusive thoughts of her own:
I know I shouldn’t care but I do, I love him, I want him back, I want our life back. But if he is in this state could it even be fixed. I’m not even sure she wants him and I fear it will all end sadly and badly for all of us.
It hurts my head trying to think of why, how to fix it, was it me, why did he do it, etc etc. Is there anyway back for us? Am I wasting my time? Do I leave the door open for when limerence fades, will it fade?
And somewhat ominously:
Will it happen again?
These are all very pertinent and important questions. To the spouse of someone caught up in a limerent affair, the altered mental state of limerence seems so obviously abnormal. It really does look like their partner has lost their mind, lost their judgement, and is suffering a temporary bout of madness.
Harriet can see the asymmetry in the attention her husband is bestowing on this other woman (married with young children), and is confounded by the fact that he has willingly abandoned his own family to take such an irrational chance on someone who is unavailable.
Consequently, the betrayed spouse naturally wonders: what will happen when the madness passes? Will they return to who they were? Is there any hope that, beyond limerence, we could repair the damage?
It’s obviously difficult to answer these questions, given the wide variety of human life and experience. There aren’t going to be a set of simple answers. I mean, there are some simple answers – “He’s a cheater, get rid!” “Marriage is a sacrament, you fight to the end!” – but the real, substantive answers are much harder to find.
The best that can be done is to figure out some of the key factors that influence the odds of reconciliation, and then try and judge as dispassionately as you can how recoverable the situation could be.
1. Respect
The most important factor in determining the prospects for a future life together is respect. If you have lost respect for your spouse, it is very difficult to recover. You may still love them, care for them, wish the old days could somehow be brought back, but once you’ve lost respect for them you will likely never feel the same quality of love as before.
It’s possible that they could regain your respect by a significant, impressive, transformative saga of personal redemption, but it won’t happen by them failing in the relationship with LO and crawling back to you filled with self pity. Moral weakness is unappealing, even if it is forgivable.
Similarly, if the limerent has brazenly or publicly disrespected their spouse, that will always be a definitive blow to the relationship. Again, it’s possible to conceive of a redemption arc, but it would still never completely wipe the memory of being so fundamentally and intimately betrayed.
A reasonable complaint at this point is that any affair, by definition, is monstrously disrespectful. While that is true, most people do see a significant difference between someone having a secretive affair outside of a sexless or dysfunctional marriage, and someone openly pursuing a new partner like a lovesick puppy, while devaluing and degrading their spouse. Neither are admirable, but the first is less destructive to respect.
2. Red lines
Everyone has their own red lines about what constitutes betrayal in a relationship. The only red lines that matter are those of the non-limerent spouse. Seriously, how could you honestly argue “you should be OK with me being limerent for someone else and pursuing them”?
That said, red lines should be applied to behaviour, not thoughts. “No more social media contact” – as Harriet had as part of her ultimatum – is a clear red line. If you spend time glued to your screen engaging with her when you should be with me, you’ve crossed a line. In contrast, “I can tell you’re thinking about her, stop it!” is not a standard you could reasonably hold someone to.
Similarly, opinions differ on the severity of an emotional affair. Some people think a close friendship with another man or woman is automatically suspect, others are laissez-faire if nothing physical is happening.
When it comes to predicting the hope of a future beyond the limerence, the number of red lines crossed will be an important factor. If the past has been characterised by the limerent spouse making no effort to constrain themselves or respect the boundaries articulated by their partner, then the odds are low that trust could be recovered.
3. Contrition
On that same theme, the mindset of the limerent does have an important bearing on the post-limerence outlook. If they are struggling with their feelings, trying to resist, expressing remorse for the pain they are causing, and generally in that dissonant state where their rational mind is trying to break through the addictive cravings, then there is cause for hope. Sometimes people do get caught up with manipulative, disordered LOs who cultivate their limerence and exploit their vulnerabilities. That can evolve to a position of “us against the problem” from which recovery is possible, rather than “pick me or her”.
In contrast, if the limerent is completely focused on their LO, makes a clear decision to pursue them at the expense of their spouse and family, and only comes back after the new relationship fails (or the limerent sparkles wear off) then there is little hope for reconciliation. It’s also more likely that the pattern will repeat in the future.
4. Purpose
The final factor is what the betrayed spouse wants out of life. Normal human psychology is that fear of loss carries greater emotional weight than potential future gain. We naturally feel more anxious about going backwards than standing still. We want to secure and maintain the current status quo before we go off exploring for potential new prizes.
That means that the urge to recover a lost partner can be more powerful than the hope for finding a hypothetical new partner. In the longer term, though, the calculation is different. A better future may lie in establishing cordiality with the old partner, but seeking renewal through an alternative relationship with someone who hasn’t damaged your trust and respect.
Again, this is all about balancing. An otherwise happy and successful marriage, shaken by limerence but not irrevocably damaged, has a potentially purposeful future. In contrast, a marriage where respect has been lost, red lines have been crossed, and little contrition has been shown is probably not worth salvaging. It’s more purposeful to confront the pain of loss and push through it, than to hope for a miraculous reversal.
Given all those points, I have to admit that it is hard to see grounds for hope in Harriet’s case. Her husband occasionally seems to come to his senses – to have moments of clarity when he regrets his decisions – but the addiction reasserts itself quickly and he is unable or unwilling to keep promises. Now that the ultimatum has passed, trust and respect are badly damaged – maybe beyond repair.
A more purposeful response is to look for alternative futures, with new goals, new connections and new relationships, rather than hoping that a reversion to the old husband she used to esteem could happen. It’s a lot to forgive and forget, and even if that future might be possible, it will probably anyway need to be on the other side of a personal transformation in Harriet’s life. Her best bet is to plan for her own growth, her self-directed renewal to a better future, independently of whatever her inconstant husband eventually decides.
Possibly a gloomy conclusion from me, but I’ve always preferred unsentimental compassion to false hope.
I think Harriet should start looking for a therapist, counselor or what have you, because the situation is real gloomy. If he’s out of the home , they built together, for another woman, it means he careless about it, difficult to repair the damage now. He made a a choice, he made a move… Time to start looking for what went wrong and try to come to reality. It will be difficult for Harriet now to think of a future while she’s going through a painful period in her life. She needs time to recover and calm down, then think what she’s going to do with her life in the future. I’m sorry, Harriet for this betrayal , but it’s so common nowadays that we shouldn’t be surprised it happened. Of course, we think it will never happen to “me”. Get your family together and find comfort and support from them. Him, he’d probably go through difficult times trying to best solve this problem, I hope he has some compassion with you and be decent dealing with the breakup. If it’s unreciprocated limerence, he’d have a hard and painful time ahead of him…
You take care of yourself. Best wishes.
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it , and she’s given him no reason not to think he can . He’s basically called her bluff by saying “fine then , i’m off” to her ultimatum . This leads me to think he knows Harriets totally dependent on him , or maybe he (or she) thinks she “can’t do better” . Though the ages of “Harriet” and her spouse aren’t mentioned , the mention of the L.O’s age gap leads me to suspect a possible mid-life crisis in Harriets spouse . I confess to a similar episode being the end of my marriage . I won’t go into the ins and outs as this is “Harriets” story , but if Harriet is going to act like a doormat she should expect to be treated like one
Doormats don’t generally issue an ultimatum, Jim. Harriet is wondering if there is any way to recover what was lost after the limerent affair breaks down, not going along passively with whatever her husband wants.
Nice shout out for Harriet, Dr.L! Her husband’s bad behavior is definitely not deserved nor her fault.
Many limerents find themselves going through a crisis both home and with LOs at midlife . They don’t
like what have they become after so many years in a perhaps boring relationship/marriage. They have lost the sense of their personality. Boredom is the most common denominator. So they want to try something novel, perhaps to find their place in life, a new love, but many are tied up with a partner or the LO is not reciprocal. It’s very frustrating to find yourself in this situation and deep inside you, you want to do something about it, think entitled to a change… is that being selfish? ?? Have to realize you’re stuck, at a crossroads…want to move on, damned if you do, damned if you don’t… Somebody have the crystal magic ball ? No one ever knows what would have been the best move, it’s all just a gamble you take, whatever happens happens kind of attitude when you decide to leave your partner. Or, if you stay in the relationship, the thought that you didn’t take a chance at “again love”, will be haunting you and making you broody or cranky, frustrated and perhaps very unhappy or just merely existing, etc, etc. All you have to do is look at the divorce percentage rate in USA or European Countries. Very High, indeed!
If need help I recommend listening video herewith:
“10 stoic rules to become everyone’s top priority/Stoicism”
Site: Stoic Bond.
I think that’s where we’re all heading for: Stoicism !
I think Nisor’s take is very compassionate and balanced.
Its important not to generalise, I think. Not all limerents are alike, not all SOs are alike and not all LOs are alike. I sometimes feel as though we treat them as though they were (on this blog). I guess it all depends on whether the relationship with SO is worth saving (is there mutual respect and contrition, as mentioned in the article) and whether the limerent husband is seeking help (point him to LwL for starters?). Maybe he doesnt know what his limerent brain is up to.
Presumably Harriett tunes in to LwL regularly enough to see how much people going through limerence also love their spouse / partner, she might gain comfort from it. Especially when limerent but doing all we can to stop the self delusion and learn more about what is missing in our lives to lead to this.
But also, as Nisor says, sometimes a relationship may just be beyond saving and have run its course because not all SOs or LOs are created equal.
I know that Harriet’s red line of no social media was crossed, but I would encourage her to consider maybe things like did he kiss her or did he sleep with her as a red-line to consider instead? Because limerence takes a long time to go through sometimes — like a year or two even, at least for me. And that’s with trying to get over it! His limerence will probably only start to go away if he discloses and perhaps learns she doesn’t feel the same way, or if he decides not to leave the marriage, and he stops engaging her.
Does he realize that he has limerence? If he doesn’t, he may not have the tools to fight it. If he does, then it will take some kind of external event (rejection or no contact from the LO) to maybe start the healing process of it. And, yes, the potential for limerence to reoccur is very real. But it is easier to fight if one knows they have it and are willing to fight against it.
I think NC with the LO is off the cards at the moment , the LO is a work colleague
For starters, if she hasn’t, I recommend Harriet read:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/#:~:text=What%E2%80%99s%20happened%20to%20my%20spouse%3F
https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/#:~:text=Getting%20through%20to%20limerent%20spouses
https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/#:~:text=November%2025th%20%3A-,Rewriting%20history,-November%2020th%20%3A
https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/#:~:text=What%20can%20spouses%20do%3F
A former poster, Lee, the SME on this subject, has a lot to say on this topic.
Whatever happens, I hope it leads to Harriet’s happiness.
I’d point her in the direction of this ladies channel too , she has a lot of interesting short videos that Harriet might find very helpful in realising potential reasons for her Husbands gallivanting :
https://youtu.be/QcOkr5EYAhw?si=yQQOmXPPyPtBpwAX
ps there’s a quick summary of potential reasons in the 2nd comment down on the actual video I posted but I’ll cut and paste here :
“10 Habits That Emasculate Men In Marriage”
1) Withholding sex
2) Withholding fun
3) Withholding affection and approval
4) Being very controlling
5) Trying to change your husband
6) Being moody and emotionally volatile
7) Demeaning men’s activities
8) Get them to open up their feelings and insecurities, then use those against them
9) Mothering your husband
10) Treat them like they don’t have feelings and dismiss their emotions
Upthread you thought Harriet was being a doormat. This seems like a list of controlling and withholding behaviour.
Is there a scenario where Harriet isn’t responsible for her husband’s behaviour? That maybe he has some character weakness?
I‘m also a bit bewildered how one can get from this blog post to this list as an answer to it🧐
HI Doc L / Mila
Doc : Re the “doormat” comment , I was implying that Harriet’s spouse basically ignored her ultimatum and she hasn’t immediately kicked him to the kerb .
Hi Mila – that list was compiled by a WOMAN to explain why her husband might have gone off on his L.E . Don’t forget we’re only hearing Harriets side of the story here , she might want to do a bit of introspection as to the “why”
Hmm.
Although it’s always a good idea to look how oneself could be responsible and what one could change,
being a limerent with a good marriage I dobt think that there automatically has to be fault with the SO when one is limerent for someone else.
Of course we never know the whole story. I still think this list is a bit far-fetched for this case, and I don’t think it matters who wrote it as long as it isn’t Harriet or her husband.
But I guess Dr L wrote this case study not for us to judge this specific case, but as a general help for SOs who don’t know if there’s hope for their limerent partners and their marriage or not.
Concerning specifically Harriets case, we all cannot really judge what happened and I wouldn’t call her a doormat only because she still tries to save her family.
Nah, Jim, sorry, not buying this whatsoever. To cross red lines, active choices are made. Several, active, and possible consecutive ones too. Exemples; ’I have a dead bedroom, so (s)he drove me into the arms of LO, which of course doesn’t fly, that is not being honest and forthright about what is going on and the active choices made along the way.
The list of behaviours is not about emasculation, it is about abuse and control. Power dynamics of the worst kind.
My long term partner of many years became limerent three/four years ago. His behaviour became so bizarre I thought initially he was developing dementia. His LO was forty years his junior; he was 68.
Whilst they had a very close friendship, perhaps he believing it to be closer than she, it did not become physical. She was certainly not looking for a LTR with him. Perhaps if she had been then the outcome may have been very different.
Once I found out about it I gave him an ultimatum ‘No More Contact’, of any kind. He broke this agreement after four weeks and I left and fortunately found and received support from the LWL community. My SO was bereft and become emotionally and physically unwell. After a month away he asked me to consider coming home saying he wanted us to share our lives and loved me very much. Before leaving he had told me that our relationship wasn’t of importance to him. I was deeply, deeply upset and hurt to hear this.
We have been back together for over two years. The first six months were sticky as I was aware how deep his addiction to her went and how disappointed he was at the loss of those hopes and dreams; it took every ounce of my compassion to be with this hurting human as he recovered. The last eighteen months have gradually grown easier. We once again have a beautiful, mutually supportive and loving relationship which I’m certain neither of us would want to change…until the next LO arrives on the scene?
Regarding your comments about the things Harriet might want to consider which might have contributed, I found these a little challenging, Jim. Whilst they may have a place for some I think to attempt to give the responsibility for limerence to their SO is unhelpful.
I felt hugely responsible for my limerent SOs actions at the time and desperately looked for failures on my part which were deserving of the treatment. I became full of self-loathing, I felt weak and vulnerable…not something I had ever experienced previously. I’m almost sure Harriet is already feeling some of these emotions too.
My SO assures me these days that he is very lucky to have me and that what happened was nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
Interestingly we have explored some possible reasons for his limerent behaviour and believe his may be due to his childhood experiences of being sent away to a single-sex school aged nine. He spent much of his childhood and early adulthood dreaming and longing for a home life, love, friendship and sex. This longing and associated reverie comforted him when he was low and became a way to manage low mood and sadness. This LE kicked off during the two years of Covid when many of us found our moods to be low.
Let him go, Harriet! Whether he’s limerent or not, he’s an adult responsible for his actions, and his behaviour is not respectful. Try to think of it as a relationship sabbatical.
Limerence will ultimately burn out. When it does, he probably will come back, and she can decide then if she wants him back depending on what he’s done and the terms she wants to set, or has found something better for herself.
Yep, breaking up doesn’t mean that there can be no reconciliation once the LE/relationship is over, the man has self-reflected, done the necessary soul searching, has taken responsibility and really truly wants a second chance. I was in a similar situation and we did get together again, but it was not a continuation of our old relationship, it was a beginning of a new one. Stayed together 9 mostly happy years, I’d say happier than the first 7.
In a way, I don’t feel qualified to comment, because I’ve never been married. Also, I have a rather quirky personality and a rather quirky take on relationships. 😉
However, if I were a woman and if I were in Harriet shoes, I’d be tempted to do absolutely nothing. I’d be tempted to offer no reaction whatsoever to my husband’s limerence for another woman. I think I’d actually be fascinated by the whole phenomenon of limerence itself, and rejoice at the opportunity to study this “exotic animal” up close.
I’d let my husband do whatever he pleases, but I’d keep a notebook handy and jot down all his interesting behaviours. I wouldn’t react to my husband’s limerence because I wouldn’t want my reactions to interfere with the purity of my observations. I.e. my husband’s limerence is about him and him alone. My husband’s limerence has nothing to do with me, wife, and therefore it’s not really helpful to personalise the infatuation. (Although it is the natural impulse of all husbands and wives to personalise everything their mate does/says). 🤣
I think I’d be less interested in how my husband’s limerence is affecting the marital relationship (e.g. less sex, less emotional closeness, clearly-stated desire to leave) and more interested in whether my husband was displaying other signs of infatuation unrelated to marriage e.g. weight loss, sleeplessness, restlessness, shining eyes, high energy, abrupt changes in mood, etc. Is my husband getting hotter? Is he buying new clothes? The amateur scientist in me would come out and I’d be interested in learning about the “altered state” for its own sake. 😇
I sort of feel that Harriet is an ideal position to observe HOW limerence changes a person’s core personality, assuming that limerence does indeed change a person’s core personality. (She could write all about this in that aforementioned notebook).
I wouldn’t issue any ultimatums, as I’m not that kind of person. I’d want a man to be with me because he wants to be with me and freely chooses to be with me. I don’t consider myself a doormat. I consider myself someone who believes grown-up men are responsible for their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own libidinal drives, and their own choices regarding those libidinal drives – although, of course, grown-up men may solicit/welcome input from their wives, and other suitably knowledgeable people in their lives. 🤔
Regarding some of the other comments, I DON”T think people have affairs because of inadequacies in one partner or in the other partner or (Heavens forbid!) in both partners. My understanding of limerence-inspired affairs is that the feelings generated by limerence are so intense and pleasurable they become all-consuming. It’s the intense, pleasurable feelings that “hook” people.
So, for example, Harriet’s husband in limerence would be experiencing really intense, pleasurable feelings for his LO that he wouldn’t be experiencing for his wife. And it’s the rewarding nature of these intense, pleasurable feelings that makes him want to keep interacting with LO. Harriet is “normal” and LO is “drug.”
“Normal” can’t really compete with “drug” in biochemical terms. 🤔
This would be true if the shoe was on the other foot, too – e.g. if a woman one day discovered she was getting a “high” from interactions with a man who’s not her husband. The extramarital interactions are being driven by pleasurable feelings generated by the infatuation itself, and not by the husband’s real and/or perceived shortcomings.
The thing about feelings, however, is that feelings are fickle and transient. (How fickle and how transient depends on the situation). I think Harriet would know her husband better than Harriet’s husband’s LO knows Harriet’s husband. In my mind, Harriet can still win the “game of love” (assuming she wants to) because Harriet holds at least one ace in her hand, and that ace is “emotional intimacy”.
To my way of thinking, “emotional intimacy” trumps “passion” (i.e. the feelings generated by limerence) simply because passion doesn’t last, and passion may disguise the profound lack of compatibility that exists between two people. But Harriet’s husband has to have a come-to-Jesus-moment and decide for himself “emotional intimacy” is more important to him in the long run than “passion”.
I’m actually watching the Twilight series at the moment. Stephanie Meyers often gets a bad rap as a writer, but the film adaptations of her books are not a bad fictional portrayal of limerence. I’d argue that Bella and Edward are in a limerent relationship with each other whereas Bella and Jacob are NOT in a limerent relationship with each other.
What strikes me when watching these movies is how SILLY Bella and Edward’s “romance” is – all those awkward pauses and twitching eyelids and scenes where one or both of them angrily storm off. What the movie shows is almost a parody of obsession – two people who are apparently attracted to each other and yet they can barely tolerate being in the same room together. It’s “Pride and Prejudice” on steroids. (Is the barrier that one of them is a vampire?) 😆
Bella and Jacob’s (non-limerent) relationship, on the other hand, strikes me as really sweet and natural and down-to-earth. Bella and Jacob seem to interact with each other as two regular teenagers. So, I’m Team Jacob all the way. The “emotional intimacy” that B and J have seems more authentic to me than the “passion” B and E supposedly share. 😉
If I were in Harriet’s shoes, I would do NOTHTING, including not observing her SO’s limerence. Just wait out, until the “storm” recedes, which could take from 6-24 months or longer. In this particular case, there is other LO’s SO involved — a barrier, so the storm may clear out sooner in either way: the collapses of one or two relationships, or reconciliation of one or two relationships.
@Sammy, it’s impossible to expected a deeply wounded wife to “emotionlessly” observe her SO’s “nonsensical” limerence behaviors, which is sooooo hurtful to spouse! The sense of real betrayal on top of jealousy (biologically helpless) is worse than unrequited limerents’ false sense of betrayal, in which the said limerents never acquired their daydreamed “love”. As you say, Harriet had her real emotional intimacy and connection with her SO, unlike us with our pursued LOs.
As a lifetime limerent, I had limerence in and out of my marriage (did not act on my limerence within), I knew its intensity and its indiscrimination towards others’ feelings, marriage license, social moral codes, etc. emotions, particularly out of pair-bond limerence, do not obey any forms of obligations, common senses, and SO’s strong reactive behaviors. A tornado is a tornado, just wait it out.
Yet, based on my own experience and observation of others (my father), if SO is saintly kind, like my Father, then Harriet’s SO may “come to senses” after his limerence dies down or cools down. However that’s a slim chance, Harriet can NOT and should NOT hold a hope on that, just consider he’s lost forever now — Stoic mentality. Painful as it is, move on with fulfilling one’s own life as an individual. The target is to be independently happy and fulfilled. Ideally, our SOs, w/o that piece of license, are supposed to make us HAPPIER or MORE fulfilled; otherwise, we would be too needy — a form of mental illness, to depend on someone else to make us happy or fulfilled.
If Harriet’s SO is fundamentally changed after the storm, bruised to the point beyond “repair” (to his former loving self), then why bother to stick around? As Marcia said here once: who wants to sit with someone whose eyes are actually on the door, beyond your face? Compelled behaviors do not brings any desired quality.
Another slim possibility is, as someone points out here, that Harriet’s SO could be even better, and they could build up a better relationship after the storm is gone. However, if one holds more than 1% of hope on this, one might head for more emotional and mental wounds. In my opinion, just move on without doing anything with her husband and without hoping anything.
Human heart is unpredictable and uncontrollable even by its own holder, don’t we limerents all know about it very well?
If I were Harriet, while waiting for this storm to die down (god knows how long?), I’d also learn to be a stereotype French women — take a lover of my own (does not have to be EA involved), while copying with the current ongoing storms and striving to make my painful life fulfilled, at least content.
“I shall meet with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness. All of them are due to offenders’ ignorance of what’s good and evil. “ a Stoic mentra
It’s not a matter of “Shall” anymore in this case, it already occurred! The offender is unfortunately one’s supposedly loving, faithful spouse; however, who can say that a loving spouse/lover/LO is not, or could never be such a potential offender? Who can guarantee one’s emotions in any directions, in limerence or not?
Reality is 80% cruel, it was in the past and will be so in the future, particularly when one’s mind is unprepared for unexpected.
Having a pessimistic views on life (20/80 in ratio) can be very healthy.
No matter how my relationship ended I would stay very clear of this behavior. This would not only bring no true joy to myself but I would be potentially hurting myself and others. I might very well live in a world of 80% cruelty but doesn’t mean I have to contribute to it. My plan is to eventually become one of the little old ladies I see sitting together in front of me at daily Mass. No longer in service of children, grandchildren or spouses they come each day for contemplation and community. Or just out of routine. Regardless they are dignified and it’s admirable. Count me in!
Everyone has different styles of life to appreciate life, responsible to bring one’s own joy and peace, which in return would indirectly contribute to 20% of the less imperfect world.
I’ll try to walk on a catwalk when I turn to 80, like Carmen Dell’Orefice!
Ha! Love it… Super glam! I guess if you got it, flaunt it!
Every woman has a spirit of Carmen Dell’Orefice combined with Marilyn Monroe, flaunt it out of yourself! It will add a spark to that 20% of the world…
That would be Dame Diana Rigg, Sigourney Weaver or Susanna Thompson.
Adam,
I very much like Diana Rigg’s acting, powerful and touching…
Diana Rigg as Emma Peel in the TV show Avengers with Patrick McNee was my first crush as a young lad. Her attire in that show very much showed off what God gave her. 🙂 But yes also a very great actress. I still have all the episodes she was in on that show on VHS.
Adam,
I don’t know that show, but she in the movie “Bleak House”, and Medea.
The “coming to one’s senses” phrase is one I find very interesting. And just a touch familiar…
When I was deep in the throes of limerence, and basically venting my pain/sadness/frustration with a platonic male friend, what this platonic male friend told me was: “Wake up and smell the coffee, bro!” “Wake and smell and coffee, bro!” is just a fancy way of saying: “You’re being ridiculous. Your LO isn’t worth your time or worthy of your fascination. Come to your senses!!” 😆
This platonic male friend of mine was incurably heterosexual, and I’m kind of shocked to this day he didn’t judge me for my infatuation with a member of the same sex. (I was sure I was going to be shunned forever). He just thought the gooey, lofty, splendiferous emotions were directed at an unworthy target.
This platonic male friend of mine knew my LO. In fact, he knew my LO a lot better than I did, having shared the same English class, but he didn’t idealise my LO. He thought my LO was an “arrogant twerp” and thought I was a much better man (in moral terms) than my LO was. It’s funny the things one remembers… 🙄😊
But to answer Harriet’s question … yes, sometimes limerents DO come to their senses and learn to tell the “fantasy version of LO” apart from the “actual human LO”. 😉
We need more information. It actually irritates me that these questions are being given out… We all know the devil is in the details but we’re not given many here, certainly not enough about the LO and where she’s at in her life. We don’t really know much about Harriet’s marriage either. She says that he changed overnight, but maybe her husband hid previous LO’s the way I hid mine?
As for the factors of recoverability… I’d like to apply them to my own situation.
1) Respect. I had a PA and a LO last year and yet my husband didn’t lose respect for me. At all. When I confessed to adultery he cried and was angry for about two days, but even in those moments he just wanted to know what I was planning to do. He knew that the younger man I had the affair with was just wanting casual sex and that I caved in to pressures of lust instead of wanting any sort of meaningful relationship. I had been out of the workplace for nearly two decades and was not emotionally and socially prepared to be out in the “world” again. My two best friends and my husband had warned me about his intentions for several months… the PA was manipulative, compulsive, charming (of course), and once he figured out my sensitive spots (my faith and unpleasant childhood) he effectively worked with them to disarm me of caution and concern. Because I had been rather transparent since meeting my PA first week of my new job my husband was able to put everything into context and saw that I was mostly naive and inexperienced. He extended compassion and grace. Outside of a few difficult evenings our lifestyle and routines were back to normal by the end of the weekend. He’s only looked back when I’ve need to, introspectively, but otherwise it doesn’t factor into our history much. He once even joked about it which I appreciated. My husband has a lovely sense of humor and wit.
2) Red lines. When I confessed to the affair it turns out that my SO isn’t so much bothered by sex. He said he understood it and even as recently as two days ago he said he’d forgive me for future infidelity. “What’s up with that?” you might as yourself… Well you’d have to back up to when SO and I got married… we eloped two days after I broke off an engagement to my college sweetheart… and just a few weeks after the last of three dates (college classmates) I set him up with had failed. Our story was unconventional from the very beginning and it seems we married more out of convenience and comfort than anything else. This remains true today. The red line for my husband is that I continue to monitor and nurture our assets and never break up our joint estate. The other red line is that I continue to be pleasant and attentive to our household needs (cooking, cleaning, spending time with him and our young adult sons) and that I never put another non-relative’s needs ahead of his. Outside of these two things it seems that I have a lot of freedom in relationships… my husband knows about my LO and he has met him several times and says hello to him when he stops in while I’m at work (LO is a coworker). LO has invited the three of us to go out and it’s something I think I would like to pursue eventually, but haven’t felt emotionally strong enough to do quite yet. He knows that I care very deeply for LO, but he doesn’t perceive LO as a threat to our marriage. This is where 3) Contrition and 4) Purpose come into play. Although LO is in my thoughts (what feels like all day long) I’m still highly regulated in my behavior and don’t deviate from expectations (except perhaps staying up late to finish this post)… in fact across the board I’m doing exceedingly well as I’m at my strongest performance professionally, psychologically, spiritually, socially. I’ve discussed with my therapist, husband and several friends the ideal relationship with LO: I want to be his “special person” and his primary caregiver in his later years. I fell in love with an older, single man, with some cognitive impairment (you can see why my husband doesn’t feel threatened). Ideally I would become his “work hours wife”. Maybe you’ve heard of a “work spouse”, well, this is a similar idea except it’s a little broader. So in this scenario I can see myself going to his apartment after work and fixing him a meal, making sure he’s set up okay and enjoying some down time together before heading home for the evening. And when I quit my job and live mostly in our second home, I see myself returning every 6 weeks to visit my kids and friends and I’ll be sure to stay with him a few days too (he’ll have a guest room for me… we’ve talked about this once already). If he gets sick I’ll come and stay and take care of him and if he’s real bad I’d move him in with us and I’ll hire caregivers (paid for by his SS and pension). There remains the question of if I’d have sex with LO in this ideal scenario and the reality is I don’t know… my therapist and I discussed this in detail a few months ago and we both agreed that given the vulnerability caused by my LO’s cognitive impairment and the tremendous responsibility inherent in being a caregiver that it would always be too risky. His safety and well-being will always be paramount to physical craving… that said, I could totally envision a “The Life of David Gale” or “Life According to Garp” situation where we give ourselves to each other as a parting gift to each other (and to life) but as you can see from my writing (here and other posts).. it’s not something I’m particularly concerned about or interested in. Sometimes I’m not even sure I’m experiencing limerence. Maybe he’s now just a man that I love deeply, but not destructively.
I used to think that having limerence meant that I had to leave my husband because I know I will always love him imperfectly and I still often experience shame and sadness that I can’t seem to love him the way he loves me. Then I realized that dwelling on these feelings wasn’t helpful nor did it change the outcome. I am who I am, I feel as I feel and my husband accepts this so I should accept it too.
Anyways… I don’t know Harriet’s situation, but the fact that her husband actually did move out… I wonder what they were like in the months leading up to his departure.
We need more information.
Wow, SJ, that’s quite a story for a movie.! You leave me speechless! You seem to have a good heart and your SO is a very noble man. I think your story with SO and LO is unique, very unique, indeed. I think Harriet has to weigh in all considerations…
Wishing you the best.
I think you have a misapprehension about the point of these posts, SJ. The goal is not to analyse Harriet’s marriage and find the correct answer to her problem. It’s for people to reflect on the broader issues that are thrown up, and share their thoughts on how they would respond. In this case: is it wise to wait for a spouse to “come to their senses” or not? I’ve outlined some of the factors that I think are important for decision making.
None of us need to know all the intricacies of Harriet’s marriage, even if she had chosen to share them.
Yes, I did. First of all the post opened with a question (So why wouldn’t I try to answer it?) and secondly, I used to follow a personal finance blog, Frugalwoods, that did monthly case studies where readership opinions and advice was welcomed.
I agree, there is absolutely “no need to know all the intricacies of Harriet’s marriage”, but a need so discuss what would be or could be possible, effective ways to cope with hurtful facts and rise above the painful threshold, then repair (if possible) the old house, or ground it to dusts so as to build a new one….
SJ,
“We need more information.”
No, WE don’t. It’s Harriet’s life. She makes the choices and she bears the consequences. The rest of us make our choices and we bear the our consequences.
That said, some things are kind of universal.
She delivered the ultimatum. That leaves her three basic options:
1. She adopts “radical acceptance” and lives with things the way they are.
2. She unilaterally takes action and terminates the marriage.
3. She fights a guerilla war in the hope that he comes around. Harriet will decide what and how much is enough. She may or may not be able to get past it. Her call. The last option doesn’t preclude eventually adopting one of the first two options. Lee started out this way and went to Option #2.
In your case, finance trumps fidelity. That works for you. It doesn’t work for some people and they back it up with their assets. Pride and principle trump the pecuniary.
In my younger days, I was in the latter camp. Infidelity loomed large in LO #2’s life. At the time, it defined her world view. I told LO #2 that I would never give someone the opportunity to betray me a second time. I’d summarily boot them and maybe take their head on the way out. At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d do that but I’d probably make a few changes in some things.
As the Supply Officer on my first submarine said as he was discussing his wife’s affair, “We all make our choices.”
Her husband tells her he is not sure he loves her and has chosen to leave Harriet becuase he has fallen in love with another woman and refuses to give her up?
To me this is a simple choice… let go of him for both your sakes.
I have been in this position with a past long term living-together partner – he had an affair, I asked him to make a choice and he choose his AP. As much as I loved him and feared being alone, I accepted it was over, I cried, I grieved and I moved on. It was temporarily devastating but ultimately I ended up falling in love and marrying someone more kind, fun, loyal and committed. My ex married his AP and they have been together for >20 years and have a family. So the split was best for everyone.
I would do exactly the same thing if this happened to me again as I would sooner be alone and living a full single life than pining after an ex that is unsure of his feelings for me and prefers someone else.
Limerence does not excuse, her husband was just not fully committed to her. She deserves a man that is.
As a limerent husband for over two years I have asked my dear wife to weigh in on this post of Dr L’s. Perhaps the wife of a limerent could explain why she put up with my $hit for two years. And still does in the aftermath.
While I never actually left the house or my wife and life, I certainly “left” for her. I think that the realization of how deep I was in it was having to look my sons in their eyes and tell them that I had feelings for another woman that wasn’t their mother. Something I don’t know if they have forgiven me or not. Our youngest still calls me Adam (he’s always called me by my first name) and our oldest “dad”. Now whether that’s out of kindness or not I don’t know.
Some of the things that Jim listed earlier were my justifications. Whether they were justified or not I won’t argue. It’s like justifying what you say or do drunk. You can justify it all you want but is it warranted? And believe me I have tried that many times in my functional alcoholic life.
Momma certainly had lots of times to just say “*uck off” to me for my behavior. And she actually did sometimes. But you know what? She still holds my hand. She still lets me kiss her. I laid my head in her lap the other night while I watched Die Hard 2 as I fell asleep. I woke up to her being gone so I took my cover and pillow to the other room and slept on the recliner so I could be near her. Why she is forgiving of this I will never know.
I read my old comments and realize how awful bad I was in it. That I would think of another woman that way. I feel like I failed them both. I risked my marriage and I ruined a perfectly good possible friendship. I have had many female friendships. I even had a really big crush on my wife’s cousin when we first met. But now she is one of closest friends I have of my wife’s family. And her husband and I use to go for drinks at a local pub before they moved away. He was the best. He drank very little so he would always be the designated driver to get me home. lol
A wife of a limerent husband has to place her boundaries like Harriet did. Momma never gave me an ultimatum. Maybe for our boys’ sake, I dunno unless she decides to post a comment. She insists … well … asks why I revisit music that she knows is associated with her ….. “why do you do this to yourself? It’s not helping you any!”
“And I see love hungry people
just trying their best to survive
when right there in their hand is a dying romance
and they’re not even trying to keep it alive”
This woman has stood by more than she should ever have to. I don’t deserve her forgiveness. But I am thankful for it. I am thankful that my sons have decided that I am still in their good graces. I wished to be a better example to our boys on relationship issues since our oldest boy is going through a crisis with his lady friend at the moment. But obviously I am not.
Miss Lovisa/Nisor
I didn’t go to family night this past Wednesday. But I did get to sit down and talk to the pastor after service this Sunday. I am not big on opening up but I did some. He is a very welcoming man and he entreats me to share what I want to. It is just very hard for me to do. I think I remember asking Momma if we could all three meet up outside of church if she would and said yes. She can confirm that if she posts a comment. It would help me open up if she were there.
MJ
Where the hell you been? Have you asked this young lady at work out yet???? Go for it! Young women do like older men! You’re like the James Bond of employees. Sell her yourself like you do cars. Wait isn’t that what your job is or am I just imaging things? Don’t forget me my friend.
Also by the laws set in place by our overloard Limerent Emeritus I have to post a link to referenced songs or face the penalty.
What’s Forever For — Micheal Murphy
https://youtu.be/suctMm61b50?si=PDD5OmG0TGXXp5vO
Adam hi,
Any step forward is welcome! Talking to the pastor alone was a giant step for you, it opens doors! I haven’t forgotten about you or MJ, I always pray for your family, health, wisdom and peace in your minds and hearts. I keep all LwL community in my prayers for freedom from limerence.
Really hope Momma will come with you to church, it will help you open up. It seems you’re a very shy person, no need to be afraid, God want us to be free and bold. No one is more important or valuable than you in His beloved eyes. We are all special and unique to Him. Don’t forget that!
Best wishes and may the Peace of God surround you and family. Hugs.
Adam , nothing to do with the subject spoken here, but I have a song for you: “Simply the best “ by Tina Turner. Boy, that woman had strength and passion to dance and sing! You need to get up and shake it!
Sorry Limerent Emeritus but I don’t know how to post it in a blog.
Hugs
Thanks for the update Adam. Things are very hard with my family right now and I haven’t been on LwL. Right now, I’m waiting for my daughter (she’s with her therapist) and I opened LwL to read the latest article. As I read, something kept telling me to do a search for “Lovisa” and see if anyone left a message for me. I found your note to me and Nisor. It’s all I read so far. I guess I was meant to read what you wrote. Isn’t that interesting. Adam, I think the Holy Spirit wanted me to see your note. I think you are important and the Holy Spirit wants you to have support and encouragement. He is delivering it to you in interesting ways. I enjoy hearing about your experiences with religion. If I remember right, you were raised in a devout Jehovah Witness home. There was tension with your family of origin when you married Momma because she is Pagan. You have been attending Catholic services since November. It sounds like you are finding community in your current congregation. It also sounds like the church leadership is helpful. Adam, I couldn’t be happier for you. I think you’re on a good path. Momma has to decide for herself how involved she can be with your journey. I suspect that she would support you in any way she can. I don’t know, but I think she has to decide for herself because religion is a personal choice.
I had my own return to Christianity in 1997. I read The Book of Mormon and it changed my life. I was able to quit my vices and change my lifestyle. I was a different person before I converted back to the religion of my ancestors. I’ve been a practicing Mormon ever since (though we aren’t actually supposed to be called Mormons. That is a slang word. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It’s a mouthful right? It’s easier to say Mormon.). Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve seen our teenage boys in their white shirts serving missions. My SO was one of them. All three of my LOs served missions, too. Anyway, I’m rambling on and on again.
I don’t know if I’m being helpful. Thank you so much for the update! If I have time, I’ll read more to catch up on what I missed.
Sorry to get all churchy, everyone else. I believe in Christianity but I try to balance my beliefs with respect for the beliefs of others. It can get tricky. I hope I didn’t offend or annoy anyone with my comment.
@Adam,
Hey there Friend. Thanks for the shout-out. I’m still around but not as much. It’s been challenging lately helping out Dad with his issues at home and there have been some late nights there I’d rather not go into much detail about.
I’ve been on a different shift at work now too, so I’m a little backwards with my timing on posts. You haven’t missed much. I really haven’t posted too much now that I think about it.
To answer your question, I do work in the auto industry but I am in the manufacturing sector. I am a Tech. at one of the Big 3 and it keeps me plenty busy. Definitely not a career I ever saw myself in but it’s worked out alright. If LO had worked out like I wanted, it would have made the experience even better, but such is life. She’s still over in the satellite building, doing her analytical thing away from us and I guess if that’s where she’s happiest, then I’m still happy for her. It’s very rare I see her anymore, so it’s almost NC at this point, but I hate it. I miss the f#%& out of her.
As for my new Young Lady Friend, she is very nice to talk to and seems really sweet, but I do think I’m giving her crush vibes and I’m not entirely sure what she thinks about that. She seems very guarded at times and is constantly on her phone. So there is an element to that to where I feel like she wants to keep a distance with me as well. Which is fine. We haven’t really talked about personal matters too much either. Mainly it stays work related and not much else. I keep finding myself comparing her to LO which is so wrong, but it’s how I have been measuring up all Women since LO. Guess I’m just not over her yet, which is probably why I’m really in no hurry at all with this new Lady Friend. Slow and steady wins the race. I just don’t want to mess things up and go overboard and potentially freak her out if I get hasty in wanting to meet up after work sometime. I get a vibe she won’t or just isn’t interested like that. Maybe it will pass. I say all hope is not lost, but all hope is not promised either.
All the time I’ve wasted on LO is really pathetic, so I guess I wonder if I’ll ever be over her. In a way, I don’t want to be. I know when I see her again, it will all come back and it still does when I want to ruminate or listen to her playlist. I’m still adding to it. Still get sad at times, but the LC has worked to a degree. I’m stubborn and fighting it inside, because I refuse to let whole idea of her go. In my limerent brain, I’m still seeing her perfection, that is keeping me in her grip.
Thanks for the song too. I haven’t heard that one in forever. It’s really kinda good actually..
Here’s a new one I added to the LO playlist recently. I love the lyrics..
“Love to know how Baby I could get a chance
Just to look in your eyes maybe,
I could be your Man”
Dope Lemon
(Larry the Pink Human remix)
“Rose Pink Cadillac”
https://youtu.be/X8qGz4_2N9o?si=j3kYpKuW3znbMzAU
Lovisa
I went to a Catholic church twice. The church I go to now (since November) is non-denominational. I am sorry this is a hard time for your family and I wish you the best to you and yours that things get better.
He is being very patient with me while wanting to help me further. I appreciate that he is letting me take the pace I can deal with and not rushing me into anything. Truly a man of God. And I shared my religious background with him last Sunday including that I left because of the discord of who I married caused. And that Momma is pagan and might not ever join me in service at church but supports me in every other way.
Someone in my past told me that “everyone in your life you encounter is either a lesson or a blessing”. When LO was here she was a blissful blessing. When she left she was a curse and a damnation to me. But as I keep moving on further from limerence I think she was a lesson. She taught me that I am a weak man with the same sins of the flesh we all have. She taught me that my path in life needed a change. And she taught me that besides those sins of the flesh I still love my wife and while I came close, I still chose her and our marriage over temptation. Now I have the path of redemption to travel. And she inadvertently made me question my relationship with God again. I don’t know if this is my permanent path, but if even temporary I know I need to travel it for the sake of Momma and our boys.
Yes I have talked to missionaries before. I have, of course, as a Jehovah’s Witness done the door to door missionary too. So I am always, in the past, willing to discuss things with them when they knock on the door. Always polite and interesting people to talk to in regards to spirituality even if I do not know a lot about their beliefs.
Very glad to hear from you Miss Lovisa. You and Nisor have been so helpful and supportive, and Momma too, in this out of the place path I have decided to take. It’s really not like me, but I am going to see where it takes me. Hoping, again, that things get better for you and yours.
MJ
Great to hear from you. The song is super mellow. I can (when the weather gets better) see myself sitting out on the porch with my pipe and a nice spiked lemonade listening to this song lol. I listened to the original version, but much more like the remix you posted. I added it to my “moving on” playlist. This one is for Momma. I dunno if I’d call her a rose pink Cadillac as she absolutely refuses to wear any pink 🙂 Maybe I’ll call her my purple rain Cadillac.
It’s hard not to compare anyone to an LO. Your brain makes you set a standard that is unrealistic and not feasible. I know both her and your LO are fantastic women but not on the pedestal that we put them.
Good to hear that you and your new lady friend are at least talking. Back in December when illness hit my wife and our oldest son, I ended up having a day of vacation I took on the 26th of December open so I went down to where she use to work to meet the new young lady that works there now and talk to my supervisor about her future here at this job. She is a very nice, but tough as cookies lady, and I think she didn’t take my concern too well. Maybe she thought I was being a bit old fashioned. But my supervisor assured her that I am always looking out for all the ladies that work/worked here but yes that I am a bit old fashioned. I guess how I was raised is showing my age even if my gray hair doesn’t.
I agree to take your time with your new friend. Momma and I talked as friends for a long time before our relationship turned romantic. I think friendship is a good foundation for a long term romantic relationship. So good on you for that MJ.
“I’m stubborn and fighting it inside, because I refuse to let whole idea of her go.”
And I am sure that is difficult. Because unlike me, ideally, a relationship with your LO is possible without anyone’s hurt or pain being the price to pay. There is no real reason, other than her lack of interest, for you to give up on her. Maybe things will change. Maybe you can even dream of a life of friendship with her if that is possible for you. If it doesn’t pain you too much having her in any aspect in life could be better than nothing.
Again, good to hear from you. Don’t be too much of a stranger my friend. Pop in once and awhile a make sure this old man knows you are doing ok. Take care of yourself and crossing my fingers for your new lady friend and you.
A nondenominational church sounds like a good fit. I’m glad that Momma is supportive. I’m glad that you found a good church leader to walk with you on your journey.
Thank you for your kind wishes, Adam. We will get through this mess. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a very uncomfortable tunnel for now. I have two siblings who don’t talk. The feuding started 12 years ago. I think they might be forced to reconcile because of the situation with my mom. The reconciliation is a blessing but the process has been a living hell. Our oldest brother is the one who keeps the feud going with my only sister. Since there is just two girls, sometimes he treats me the way he treats her. It’s like he forgets that we aren’t the same person. It’s bad. It’s really bad right now. But the other boys finally saw how he treats us and they are intervening. They didn’t know how badly he treated our sister until a few days ago when he did it in front of everyone. Usually he hides it. Usually he is nice when other people are around and mean when it’s one-on-one. The recent incident was awful, but it might help us make progress towards repairing our relationships. By the way, my brother isn’t all bad. He has a lot of good qualities too. He just gets mean towards my sister and sometimes towards me.
I hope you have a great day, Adam!
Hi Harriet, I am sorry for what you are going through with your husband. I think Dr L’s article contains wisdom, but I also believe there is hope for your marriage. I hope you look up “Marriage Helper” and learn about Joe Beam’s experience with limerence. Marriage Helper has many YouTube videos that talk about limerence. Please look into there programs.
I will try to answer your questions directly. Let me tell you where my perspective comes from. I am the limerent in my relationship. My SO knows about my limerence. I am not currently limerent. I have contact with my past LOs except my LO1 because my husband thinks he is a dangerous person.
Let’s address your questions.
“I know I shouldn’t care but I do, I love him, I want him back, I want our life back. But if he is in this state could it even be fixed?”
Yes, he can come to his senses.
“I’m not even sure she wants him and I fear it will all end sadly and badly for all of us.”
You are not the only person who has said something along those lines. It’s possible that the other woman has no idea that she affects your husband so deeply.
“It hurts my head trying to think of why”
I can’t answer why. Sorry, but limerence seems to come at us for different reasons. I’ve learned a lot from my limerence. I actually think I’m a better person because it taught me some valuable lessons. It also pulled me out of a depression. It’s different for everyone. I don’t know why your husband has limerence.
“how to fix it…”
Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Helper. Their resources are very helpful.
“…was it me?”
Probably not. It probably has nothing to do with you.
“why did he do it?”
He probably wasn’t looking for trouble. I know I wasn’t. Another limerent shared a dream on LwL that lends insight to what the onset of limerence feels like. He said that in his dream, he was minding his own business when someone poked a needle in his leg and shot him up with heroin. He became a heroin addict in an instant. He hadn’t even chosen to take that first hit. Limerence really is like that. You find yourself addicted to another person and you can’t figure out how it happened.
“Is there anyway back for us?”
Absolutely! Again, please look into Marriage Helper.
Sorry, Dr L, I rarely disagree with you, but I do believe there is hope for Harriet’s marriage.
“Am I wasting my time?”
Of course you’re not wasting your time. You meant your vows. You want your marriage back. It is worth your time.
“Do I leave the door open for when limerence fades?”
That is your choice. I like to believe that I would leave the door open if I were in your position. I don’t know if I’m that strong. You have to decide how much you can handle.
“…will it fade?”
Yes! Here is a difficult reality. The limerence will fade, but he can have other feelings for her that last. For me, with my current LO3, he felt like an exciting new sports car, now he feels like a comfortable pair of jeans. I like comfortable. I like him. But I am better at making good choices when I’m not addicted to an LO even if I still like the person. I hope that makes sense.
“Will it happen again?”
You need to sit down before you read this answer… maybe. It might happen again. He also might develop skills and self awareness to handle it better so even if it happens again, it might not be as problematic.
Harriet, I hope that helps. Best wishes!
Her husband became limerent for a co-worker
That can lead to big career problems. Even legal ones if he crosses a line with her and HR gets involved. A sexual harassment lawsuit doesn’t look good on the resume.
Let him go Harriet. Just let him go. Do not twist yourself into knots, do not diminish yourself to keep him around. Remember he had to devalue you to pursue this.
Consult an attorney. Get checked for STIs and discuss your stress level. Comb through the finances. See your dentist. PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH. He certainly isn’t thinking about you except in passing. Don’t let him be in charge of deciding whether or not to keep the life support going. Ditto for his being beneficiary of your life insurance policy.
http://www.chumplady.com
Good luck to you.
“Adversity happens to everyone. The point is to turn adversity into opportunity. There’s adversity in a world that isn’t fair.” When things are against you, circumstances or a strike of bad luck ( like a SO becoming limerent for a LO) – it’s a threat to a person’s physical or emotional safety and a sense of being trapped, powerless or unsupported in the face of a perceived danger or in the time afterwards without immediate access to safety and protection. This is an unpleasant situation, you need resilience in the face of adversity. People can indeed grow from adversity, they can become stronger, improve the quality of their relationships and increase their self esteem. “
“Lessons learned from hardships often reveal limitations, patterns, beliefs, and skills you didn’t see or appreciate before. Self-awareness is powerful, you have the chance to make new choices based on what matters; how you act, think and feel ; and what you can and can’t do. “
How to fight adversity?
“Set realistic goals, learn from mistakes, be positive to your approach.
1) Reflection: Analyze the setback to understand its root causes and contributing factors.
2) Adaptability: Be open to adjusting your approach or strategy based on the lessons learned.
3) Resilience: Develop the ability to bounce back from adversity.”
“Overcoming adversity is about taking an honest look at your own knowledge and skills, acknowledging your shortcomings and working to improve them every day, work on things that will benefit you no matter what your goal is.”
The question is: Is it wise to wait for a spouse (who is limerent) to “come to their senses “ or not?
Each one has to carefully study their own situation and own self, and based on the truth, knowledge and one’s principles take a decision. One should not rush to take a decision of this magnitude as it is separation or divorce. You need equanimity, relaxed mind (as if that would be posible under stress…) but yes, it is necessary to be calmed and composed before taking any kind of decision . It needs time…