Limerence can cause a profound shock to our sense of identity. Limerence is by definition extraordinary – it takes us outside ourselves, transcends our mundane everyday lives, upends our previous certainties. That can cause something of an identity crisis, especially if the limerence is frustrated by barriers or uncertainty, or focused on a toxic limerent object.
As I’ve previously argued, we tend to make sense of the world through stories. When limerence comes along as a call to adventure, we are often forced to reassess who we really are. Like the heroes and heroines of all great stories, we typically start our adventures from a stable and predictable status quo. It is not until we are tested that we discover our true character.
An inevitable consequence of this tendency to think in stories is that we cast ourselves into an archetypal role in the adventure of our own lives. An important part of purposeful living is therefore to choose your adventure wisely.
Developing more self-awareness about who you are is the first step in deciding who you want to become – ideally the best version of yourself that you can strive towards. That begins with deciding what the onset of limerence means in the plot of your life, and what kind of protagonist you want to be.
1. The Byronic hero
One way to deal with temptation is to rewrite your own history to rationalise why it’s acceptable to give in.
Oscar Wilde had a lot to say about temptation. In Lady Windermere’s fan, Lord Darlington famously quips “I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” In the Picture of Dorian Gray, louche aristocrat Lord Henry Wooton asserts “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”
Wilde was capturing that Romantic sensibility that rejects the social conventions that constrain the spirit. Although laced with irony, the sentiment is that of Byron or Don Juan – true living comes from embracing sensual appetites, casting off abstinence, and daring to take what you want from life, consequences be damned.
In the midst of limerent temptation, this is an appealing story. It’s easy to reflect on how you’ve always denied your real desires, always been well behaved, never fully lived like a romantic hero.
It’s self-serving, obviously, but the archetype of the swashbuckling romantic fits neatly into the emotional and erotic exhilaration of limerence.
2. The tragic hero
Another way to conceptualise your own limerence story is as a tragic hero. Aristotle defined this archetype as a virtuous person who was handicapped by a fatal flaw – often pride or ambition, but sometimes hopeless love. The tragic hero battles to resist their personal temptation, but is doomed to fail, usually to their literal doom. For the audience, this brings catharsis as sympathetic suffering for a good person brought down by fate.
Classical examples would be Lancelot and Guinevere, Romeo and Juliet, or Oedipus. More modern examples would be Jay Gatsby, Severus Snape, or Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Typically, we feel much more sympathy for naive or star-crossed lovers than we do for tragic heroes like Macbeth or Scarlett O’Hara who are brought down by hubris.
Casting ourselves as a tragic hero or heroine is a way of making sense of limerence as a cosmic force, as something beyond our control, or ability to resist. We are victims of fate, carried to our doom by the inescapable narrative momentum of tragic love.
3. The noble hero
Finally, another way of making sense of frustrated limerence is as a struggle. When life throws a disruptive challenge at a noble hero or heroine, attacking their personal vulnerabilities and testing their moral resolve, they fight the seductions of desire and make personal sacrifices to do the right thing.
The noble hero or heroine suffers all the same temptations and fears as the tragic hero, but overcomes them and preserves their integrity. Adversity reveals a strength of character that they didn’t know they had.
Crucially, the hero or heroine must be beset by doubt, and must undergo a personal transformation, if they are to be truly relatable and admirable.
This protagonist emerges from the adventure chastened – humbled even – but wiser and undefeated. Through their efforts, the future is brighter and peace is restored to the kingdom.
4. The casting agent
It’s easy to see how the trial of limerence can map onto any of these narratives – we can imagine ourselves in any of the roles. They can all make sense of the situation. We could be a bold adventurer breaking free of our chains, a tragic romantic fool caught in the winds of fortune, or a noble soul facing the challenge of a lifetime but willing to take it on.
But these are all, of course, stories.
The fortunate thing is that this is the story of our own life, and so we are not only the protagonist, we are also the director and casting agent. That means we get to decide who we want to be and how the story ends. Looked at that way, there is only one purposeful choice.
We can marvel at the boldness of the magnificent bastard, we can sympathise with the tragic victim, but we can only really respect the noble hero. Wanton self-indulgence leads to spiritual corruption. Tragic love is passive, and defeatist. Nobility comes from battling, from facing your limitations, from facing your demons, and from striving to live a better life. Against the odds, if necessary.
To recast yourself into the role of noble hero, you have to take responsibility for your fate. You have to believe that the future can be better because of your efforts, and that the personal transformation is worth the sacrifice.
That need for change – and the spirit of psychological openness needed to embrace it – is the next element of purposeful living.
We’ll go deep on the idea next week.
I’m glad that purposeful living means that we can still come up with stories to make sense of our lives – as long as they are the right stories that align with our values, etc. I was a bit worried that purposeful living might mean “no more stories”. I think “no more stories” could lead to stagnation for some people…
The Byronic hero? Hm. I see the appeal of this character. I have never been able to embody this character successfully myself. I know I’m always pretending when I imitate Byron. However, Byron is a fun character to play around with, so I understand why both men and women are drawn to trying out this persona, especially when young. Who doesn’t want to be the dark, brooding, elegant-but-misunderstood social rebel? I think my LO embodied the Byronic hero, so I didn’t have to. I couldn’t compete with his version of Lord Byron anyway.
Oscar Wilde confuses me – both as a man and as a writer. I feel he was a very clever man. However, I also feel that cleverness was his downfall. He’s almost more of a tragic hero than a Byronic hero, and his fatal flaw was being far too clever for his own good, and needing to parade that cleverness in front of his conservative Victorian peers. He was a smarty-pants, a show-off.
I feel Oscar Wilde had two sides to his nature – a decadent side and a puritan side. I feel he overplayed the decadent side for shock value. He’s like so many modern pop artists who owe their fame to contrived controversy instead of owing their fame to talent/consistent hard work. I think Oscar Wilde should have toned down the shock value in his work, spent more time honing his craft, spent less time saying terribly clever things, and acknowledged that the puritan side of him was just as valid as the decadent side. Had he honoured his puritan roots i.e. his deeply religious Irish-Catholic heritage, he would have been a greater artist.
I’m not saying Oscar Wilde should have left wit and sexuality out of his work altogether. All great literature plays with wit and sexuality. I’m saying Oscar Wilde should have found subtler ways of saying what he wanted to say – he should have developed his storytelling abilities beyond the obvious, just as Hollywood filmmakers were forced to do under the Hays Code.
As I grow older, I find I am becoming increasingly conservative. I’m not more conservative because I’m hostile to particular individuals or groups. No, not at all. I’m becoming more conservative as I grow older because I realise that what’s good for the individual i.e. a high level of freedom and autonomy, may not be good for society as a whole. When conservatism as a philosophical system hasn’t been corrupted, it ideally places the needs of the collective ahead of the desires of the individual. Also under ideal circumstances, individuals participate in this (conservative) system voluntarily.
Basically, in a nutshell, self-sacrifice is essential to civilisation. Since everyone benefits from civilisation, everyone should invest in civilisation. And clever people have a special duty to invest in civilisation to help ensure the survival of civilisation. Clever people shouldn’t use their gifts to undermine civilisation.
If Oscar Wilde wanted to be a great writer, for example, instead of merely a very good writer, which he was, he should have tried to understand his conservative Victorian peers. He should have tried to understand why his peers valued sincerity, hard work, religion, marriage, family, traditional gender roles, etc, etc. He should have spent less time mocking and sneering, and more time empathising with the core values of his audience. Or, better yet, he should have found a way to entertain and promote the positive values of his society at the same time.
Yes, I know, Victorian society was probably riddled with hypocrisy and all sorts of social ills and miscarriages of justice. Yes, I know, Wilde’s aphorisms are generally laced with irony. (All that irony didn’t stop him from getting up to mischief though, did it?) However, I also think Oscar Wilde the artist was lazy. He was like some brilliant university student who couldn’t be bothered studying. He knew he could pass without effort. In the end, he failed his audience, who deserved more than cheap laughs and juvenile caricatures. He failed himself. He failed history and he failed English literature. He didn’t live up to his potential.
Personally, I don’t mind Oscar Wilde. But I think we can all learn from his life story: give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give to God what is God’s. If Oscar Wilde had used his genius to warn us against the pitfalls of unbridled desire, instead of ironically encouraging us to indulge in the pleasures of unbridled desire, imagine what kind of artist he might have been… We could have had a British Tolstoy!
Hi Sammy. Have you read “De Profundis” of Oscar Wilde?
He finally realizes that what he did was wrong. And concludes that there’s no truth comparable to sorrow. He finds his real self, I believe, at the end of his life.
Sammy,
“so I understand why both men and women are drawn to trying out this persona, especially when young. Who doesn’t want to be the dark, brooding, elegant-but-misunderstood social rebel?”
I think Byron’s appeal is summed up in six words spoken by one of his lovers. He was “mad, bad and dangerous to know.” 🙂
” I think my LO embodied the Byronic hero, so I didn’t have to. I couldn’t compete with his version of Lord Byron anyway.”
You’re lucky. I have never met anyone who exudes the appeal I imagine Byron had.
And don’t you love “The Picture of Dorian Gray”? I mean the book but also the movie version with Colin Firth playing a deliciously decadent Lord Wotton.
@Marcia.
“I think Byron’s appeal is summed up in six words spoken by one of his lovers. He was “mad, bad and dangerous to know.” 🙂”
Hahaha! Ah, yes. Lady Caroline Lamb’s phrase, if I’m not mistaken? 😉
“You’re lucky. I have never met anyone who exudes the appeal I imagine Byron had.”
Hm, yes. Maybe I am lucky in a way. Clothes do make the man sometimes, fragrance, the right haircut, a particular carriage, a certain gait, eyes that appear to be permanently dilated, a devilish smirk. However, I think the real Lord Byron’s appeal probably owed as much to legend as to reality.
I also think to be a true Byronic hero, one must be quite narcissistic. If a man is forever looking at his own reflections in windows and mirrors, where oh where will he find the time to contemplate the lovely Marcia? 😉
“And don’t you love “The Picture of Dorian Gray”? I mean the book but also the movie version with Colin Firth playing a deliciously decadent Lord Wotton.”
I’ve read the book, but I haven’t seen the movie. I think I was put off by the (early) scene where they were all sitting around, drinking strawberry-flavoured whatsits. Oscar Wilde’s writing style got on my nerves. The prose was so exquisite I felt it detracted from the story. Plus I was consumed with envy that anyone could write so beautifully. I think I may have been in one of my more puritanical phases at the time! 😁
Sammy,
“I also think to be a true Byronic hero, one must be quite narcissistic. If a man is forever looking at his own reflections in windows and mirrors, where oh where will he find the time to contemplate the lovely Marcia? 😉”
LOL. Well, I’m sure he was a narcissist. But I’m thinking a nice rendezvous for a night or two. No more. He’s a short-term dude. 🙂 But you’d have the experience … unless his narcissism translated into him expecting you to do everything … while he just lied there. 🙂
I love „The Picture of Dorian Gray” because it’s full of limerence:
Dorian’s sudden, euphoric feelings towards Sibyl Vane which suddenly fell apart when she no longer behaved according to the image that he projected on her. Basil Hallward who takes his art to a whole new level after getting inspired by the beautiful Dorian.
I feel like the novel was quite a mirror for myself while being in yet another limerent episode.
I want to be the noble hero but I am firmly in the Byronic hero camp unfortunately.
The noble hero. I wanted to save LO from her emotional turmoil. I wanted to slay the dragon that was her ex. But then another white knight interceded and saved her and I was then useless. I just wanted her to know someone was there for her. No strings attached. As the song goes “everybody plays the fool sometimes, theres no exception to the rule”
I wanted to be Rhett Butler but I can’t pull it off. I never was that cool nor will I ever will be. I want to be Clark Gable to a Leonard Cohen soundtrack. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0CPWIL8c7c – “I’m Your Man” – Leonard Cohen
I definitely tilt toward the tragic hero but I can’t pull that off either. I just can’t handle the cognitive dissonance it takes to make it work.
Doing the right thing just seems easier in the long run.
I would like to be the noble hero.
I have this terrible fear of LO getting into a car accident at a busy intersection coming into/leaving work. I see her car getting slammed into by an idiot running a red light, and I’m watching the car in slow motion spin around with debris flying everywhere, till it comes to a stop. I freak out, immediately call 911, get out of my car and rescue her and give her whatever first aid I can till the Ambulance arrives. Then I follow the Ambulance to the Hospital. She falls madly in love with me and we live happily ever after..
Unfortunately though, I feel like currently I’m more the Tragic hero.
Just because of how things really are.
MJ, with my last LO I used to fantasise that I needed to go to hospital and he insisted on coming with me – so the other way around!
Yeah it could work the other way around for me too I guess. I’d like to think LO would care enough to come to my rescue.
Can you help me unpack why I think about disclosing my true feelings to LO in the process of cutting off ties? If I truly wanted this constant distraction to stop I would just do my best to cut off ties completely, with no explanation needed. But instead I imagine myself telling LO my feelings as the reason I need to cut off ties and disappear. I want him to know my feelings, I want him to know I am struggling and I want him to know I am choosing the right decision. Why do I feel the urge to do this? I see myself as a kind person but this seems so manipulative.
You mean something like this?
https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-to-get-rid-of-limerence/#comment-1341
Why do you feel the urge to do this?
Have you read these?
When to disclose
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-to-disclose/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-to-disclose-if-you-want-no-for-an-answer/
Makes perfect sense. It may not be manipulative but it’s definitely self-serving
Thank you for the feedback Limerent Emeritus. I read these and will read them again. The information here tells me exactly what to do, the challenge is to follow the advice. I didn’t choose this LE to happen and I certainly do not want to hurt anyone. It is clear to me that I have some work to do to understand why this is happening and what is missing from my life to allow this to happen. I am grateful that this website and community exists.
Hi Forked. I think the urge to disclose is very strong with limerence under any situation. Deciding to go NC is no different and provides that perceived opportunity to disclose and then run. But see this for what it really is, just another pursuit tactic. Idea being that if you disclose and go NC maybe this will shock your LO into providing the attention and affection you truly desire.
In the going NC blog it talks about phasing out interactions so that NC is not such a confusing situation for LO. Maybe this is the right tactic for you?
Hi Speedwagon. Yes, I agree with you. If I am honest with myself I think the temptation to divulge to LO is a pursuit tactic, even if that is not what I really want to do. I am not available and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m thrown off by how strong the urge is. I really do need to work on phasing out the interactions. I stopped drinking alcohol last year for health and lifestyle reasons. It was not that hard for me to stop drinking. I am finding that this LE feels like the addiction. I am currently intoxicated by the feeling and it is far more difficult to stop entertaining the feelings than stopping alcohol.
Speedwagon,
“In the going NC blog it talks about phasing out interactions so that NC is not such a confusing situation for LO. Maybe this is the right tactic for you?”
I think you only need to phase out to NC if you are close, personal friends with the LO. You hang out one-on-one, text, talk, etc. If it’s just someone you chat up at work sometimes, I don’t think a phase-out is necessary. The LO may not even notice if we go NC. Or they may notice the loss of attention and the limerent can just say, “Oh, I’ve been busy at work,” and walk on.
I have often been back to this blog, Forked:-
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-things-go-sour/
Sometimes I think that the sort of feelings you describe are just your limerent brain’s sneaky way of trying to re-engage with your LO. Perfect closure is rare.
I never thought of disclosing to LO as she was the innocent victim of my limerence. As others have said, what would LO do with that knowledge? Especially in my instances as I am married and could not pursue her anyway short of ending my marriage. So disclosure to LO to me just seemed cruel.
However I did choose to disclose to my wife in hopes of repairing the breach I made between the two of us because of my limerence for LO. In the case of that kind of disclosure it has helped in the six months my wife has know. It’s a slow process that we both are actively working at. But I am glad that I did it. I think if I would have kept it “under wraps” I would have just fallen for another LO.
Thanks everyone. I just followed the links and read them, some of them I was read again. My brain is eclipsed by the feelings right now. I’m also trying to direct my focus here to avoid making a mistake. Frustrated with myself and the constant distraction I am consumed by.
“We are often forced to reasses who we really are.”
For some help, see:
“ The diary of a CEO. Com, Russell Brand finally opens up: escaping a lifetime of anxiety, addiction and finally finding love. E260
Identity crisis…?
This article resonates with me really well, because I can easily identify with all 3 stories.
My shadow self, that repressed part of my psyche that seems to be doing it’s darnedest to fight its way out these days, identifies with the Byronic hero. My shadow self spends the day flirting with all the women and has a steady stream of partners joining me in my office for lunchtime lovemaking. My shadow self is a part of me that has never found expression in real life (I married young and never had anything resembling a promiscuous period) but it’s definitely in there and I need to learn to acknowledge it and integrate it somehow without letting it actually make the decisions in my life.
The better version of me, the version of me that I want to be, is the noble hero. I want to be a one-woman man, a faithful partner who loves my wife throughout this life and can look at her with my last breath knowing that I loved her faithfully and never strayed. That requires resisting a lot of temptation and being morally strong, but I do see it as a highly worthy life goal – probably no other ideal could be higher.
Most recently, I’ve found it easy to envision myself as the tragic hero. It’s easy to think of myself as a good man, a great man even, with this one tragic flaw. I spend my days working in my free clinic, taking care of immigrants and refugees, homeless people and sex workers, ex cons and heroin addicts, basically all the people most of society prefers to keep at arm’s length. And I do it with skill, dedication and compassion. And then I go home and am a loving and devoted husband and father, always prioritize time with my wife and kids, never miss a kids event, pretty much always kind and funny and supportive. From the outside looking in, I’m a pretty good guy! (although y’all know better…). People tell me that a lot in real life, I hear a lot what a great person I am, how much I mean to my community, how much people respect and appreciate me, stuff like that. And so it gets easy to believe my own hype sometimes, to be like “yeah, I really am a good man, I do a lot of really good things… I can just indulge this one bad thing and I’m still pretty good on the balance”. Or worse yet “I work so hard, I help so many people, don’t I just DESERVE this one little thing for myself”. That’s the tragic hero story, and it’s brought down plenty of good people and left plenty of good lives in ruins. It’s an immutable truth that a lifetime of good work can be undone by one bad choice – or more often, a series of bad choices that leads to the one bad choice that gets discovered.
I like this blog post a lot because it ends with the reminder that we get to be the casting agents for our own lives, that for the most part we do get to choose our own paths and aren’t just hopeless victims of fate and destiny. That’s something I need to keep reminding myself of, to keep the noble version of my self in the driver’s seat even when those other parts of me are doing their best to knock me off the noble path.
Most recently, I’ve found it easy to envision myself as the tragic hero. It’s easy to think of myself as a good man, a great man even, with this one tragic flaw … it gets easy to believe my own hype sometimes, to be like “yeah, I really am a good man, I do a lot of really good things… I can just indulge this one bad thing and I’m still pretty good on the balance”. Or worse yet “I work so hard, I help so many people, don’t I just DESERVE this one little thing for myself”.”
@Lost in Space.
I think your backstory might be surprisingly relatable to other people experiencing limerence. E.g. I think a lot of limerents are probably people who have spent their whole lives doing the right thing. A lot of limerents are people who have spent so much time doing the right thing that resentment gradually builds up. And the resentment probably comes down to the concept of fun. When do I get to have fun? Everyone else supposedly gets to have fun. Why not me?
I would certainly never encourage anyone to go out and do the wrong thing. I don’t think people should ever aspire to be wicked or “sinful”. However, on the other hand, a life entirely centred on doing the right thing and pleasing others does seem to lead to … some sort of psychological imbalance after a while. 🤔
There’s this fascinating passage in the Bible (Ecclesiastes 7:16-17 for the curious) where readers are exhorted to be neither too righteous nor too wicked, neither too smart nor too foolish. What’s wrong with being too righteous, you ask? Surely everyone should aspire to be as righteous as possible? Well, I suppose being too righteous leads to burnout of some description…
I don’t view limerence as particularly sinful. The reason I don’t view limerence as sinful is because the cynic in me believes that 98% of the time the feelings are unrequited anyway. Therefore, the limerent is just kidding themselves, because there isn’t any pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. But it’s interesting nonetheless to ponder what sort of set-ups can engender limerent feelings.
Prior to limerence, I was probably a good boy, very compliant, very obedient, never challenged authority, etc. But I wasn’t troubled by desire either … until one day i was. My LO seemed to be someone who knew how to have fun. I don’t know if he was my shadow side. He wasn’t wicked necessarily. But he probably represented something inside myself that I was repressing. He was sociable, cracked jokes, took risks, didn’t mind making a fool of himself, looked nice, etc.
I experienced periods of deep depression as a result of my infatuation with this young man. It was like I could never get close enough to him. In fact, I didn’t even try to get too close to him – I was oversensitive to signs of rejection and didn’t want to hasten (inevitable) rejection by annoying him. If you want to wax lyrical about it, he was the sun to me and I was afraid of being burnt by the sun. 😉
I’m not sure what I wanted from my LO at the end of the day. The way out of limerence, however, at least for me, seemed to be BECOMING more like him rather than pair-bonding with him i.e. adopting some of his better qualities, being willing to engage with the world, identifying considerably less with my good-boy image without relinquishing my good-boy behaviour, giving myself permission to be human, sometimes wandering beyond the borders of my tiny hermit kingdom of introversion.
If I clung to the belief that the only thing that could make me happy in life was/is a relationship with LO, then I would definitely qualify as a tragic hero. But I’m not a tragic hero. I don’t view myself as a Byronic hero either. (Too lazy). I don’t view myself as a noble hero. (Again, I’m too lazy). I view myself as a good sport. (Someone who can admit defeat and congratulate opponent for playing such a great game). 😜
> I don’t view limerence as particularly sinful.
But if married, indulging on limerence definitely is. I’m postponing marriage until I’ve tamed that limerent beast and integrated that shadow self of mine.
> The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
Funnily enough, I feel like yielding to LO2 when limerence re-emerged last year has finally freed me from LO1 who has been on my mind for about 10 years. LO2 was „just” one night out, one kiss + texting for a few weeks, disclosing to SO, confessing to LO2, getting a clear rejection, going through emotional turmoil, doing art and therapy.
Right now I’m more the Byronic and tragic hero, but maybe I’ll manage to become noble in the future…
Gosh, that totally resonates with me, LiS. I have always been ‘the good girl’, academic, anxious, people pleaser, rules follower. It confuses the hell out of me that I am so wedded to rules yet I serially break the most important one – faithfulness. I didn’t have a rebellious teenage phase, didn’t drink, didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 21, and I do feel as if I have a shadow side too that just needs to burst out now and again, to crash around and destroy my quiet, safe, a little dull and frustrating home life. Turning 50 was a much bigger thing than I’d expected. I just keep thinking ‘is this it?’…
That sounds familiar. I was the text book good Christian boy. Always did what was right at home, school, work and church. Didn’t date till I was 20. I rarely indulged in anything I shouldn’t (outside of drinking) and if I did on rare occasions I chastised myself worse than anyone else. I did not allow myself to be human. Even after I left the religion I was raised in, I for the most part stayed on the straight and narrow. Tried to be a good husband, provider and father. Then she came along. And bewitched me with no intentional effort on her part. And I saw her as “is this it?” or “what if?”. And with that I surrendered my integrity for a bit of fun. This mid life $hit is far worse than puberty.
“Turning 50 was a much bigger thing than I’d expected. I just keep thinking ‘is this it?’…”
Song of the Day: “Is That All There Is?” – Peggy Lee (1969)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNFe4nak-oM
The pitch and cadence of Peggy Lee’s voice in this song reminds me of a PLO of mine. She’s been single for over a decade and I can see her singing this.