Some of the most distressing messages I get are from people who have been betrayed by a partner who has become limerent for someone else.
I’ve written about this topic several times in the past, but the point where I get stuck is in offering practical advice about what can be done to help.
My background is in neuroscience, and I look at limerence as a neurochemical phenomenon, an fascinating quirk of the brain that can explain the mechanisms of behavioural addiction, but also a lot of social history.
Tennov envisaged limerence as an altered mental state that had universal features which are experienced by all limerents. It’s a bold claim, but I think justifiable, which means that limerence is vulnerable to those psychological techniques that promote behavioural change. An emergency deprogramming course makes sense for systematically reversing the behaviours that reinforce limerence – for undoing a mental state which we’ve accidentally trained ourselves into.
The situation is quite different for betrayal. For someone who has just discovered their partner has “lost their heart” to a limerent object, the emotional landscape is likely to be more complicated and personal. It will depend on their limerent partner’s conduct, on how serious the betrayal is, on how they found out, and on their own personal history (and whether the pain of past betrayals gets an unwelcome revival).
The other fundamental difference is that the emotions of betrayal – resentment, anger, fear, loss, outrage, insecurity – are a response to an outside event that they cannot control. That rolls injustice, helplessness and anxiety into the mix.
As a consequence of all this, my instinct is that a self-directed cognitive behavioural approach is likely to be less useful for recovering from betrayal than from limerence. While reframing the experience and reinterpreting the meaning of feelings is always valuable, and living a purposeful life is the ultimate answer to life’s trials and suffering, the immediate aftermath of romantic betrayal is likely to need much more personalised care.
Given my uncertainty about this, I sought out some quality resources. The first is a video from Dr Ramani about betrayal trauma. It’s more focused on really serious betrayals (long-term, systematic infidelity or abuse), but it validated my intuition when it came to treatment options, and that’s how you know something is trustworthy.
Anyway, sorry. Here’s the video:
A lot of good take-aways, but perhaps the most powerful was the awful black hole of doubting everyone in your life, yourself, and feeling both ambiguous grief and also raging at the injustice of the situation.
A second video that I also found very thought-provoking is this one by Olivia Porter:
It takes a nicely provocative starting point – that hate is more useful than forgiveness – but then works magic with it. I felt weirdly optimistic at the end.
A final thought – while I hope these are useful references for those suffering betrayal due to limerence, I’d also encourage those who are currently experiencing unwanted limerence themselves to have a watch.
It’s a powerful deprogramming method to immerse yourself in the negative consequences of betrayal on those that you love.
Delusions about a bubble world of limerent compartmentalisation seem far less plausible when you hear about the wretched pain that betrayed partners wrestle with.
“Delusions about a bubble world of limerent compartmentalisation seem far less plausible when you hear about the wretched pain that betrayed partners wrestle with.”
Interestingly, when once enters the altered state of limerence, even if no betrayal is involved, I think one of the first things to fly out the window is any awareness of the interconnectedness of all human beings. I.e. whatever one human does affects an awful lot of other humans emotionally. Nobody exists in isolation. “No man is an island”, to quote John Donne. Limerence can make one very solipsistic in one’s perception of the world, even if one is otherwise quite clever.
When I was in limerence, I became very lost in my own thoughts, and tuned out a lot of the world. I assumed that people didn’t like me and didn’t want to be my friend, when actually the reverse was true. I had people lining up around the corner to be my friend. The people who did slip through my defences I almost intentionally pushed away. I was very self-consciously and melodramatically embracing the role of a “social outcast” aka “romantic hero”. In hindsight, I realise there was something false about the role I was choosing to play…
Hilariously, at one point, I avoided females and only interacted with males because I was only romantically interested in the latter. Then I screened which males I wished to interact with. (Almost none of them). I was definitely inventing my own bizarre social rules, and that wasn’t fair on the other people in my life.
I might sound like a terrible old fuddy-duddy, and I probably am a terrible old fuddy-duddy in some respects, but I’ve come to see that what’s good for society is much more important than what’s good for the individual. Strong ideals can often seem noble and worth defending, but they can also lead people astray. The strength and cohesion of the collective is what matters at the end of the day. Just because someone does the wrong thing, that’s not license for me also to do the wrong thing. I dislike how Western popular culture pushes hedonism so strongly, when remarkably people actually benefit from adopting a hedonistic lifestyle.
As one ages, one realises that a reputation for good character still carries a lot of weight in the modern world, and it’s nice to have the respect of one’s peers. Limerence indeed does give one the sensation/illusion of “living in a bubble”! đ
Not having watched the videos yet, I just wanted to write what came immediately into my head.
I remember clearly that when I was in the mind-altering state of high limerence, I didnât forget about the betrayal, about the pain I could cause etc, but I couldnât really feel it.
What I felt that, yes, to give in to limerence would be a betrayal to SO, but to kill those feelings would be a betrayal on myself. I had this feeling about having to choose between these two betrayals, and one felt as big as the other.
Out of limerence, I cannot feel this conflict as urgently and I see its flaws in perception, but I remember it clearly.
Hi,
Quotes for today:
âIâm proud of my heart. Itâs been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, but somehow still works.â
âYou broke my heart⌠but I still love you with all the pieces.â
A wonderful weekend to all.âď¸
If you want to know more on infidelity, please watch:
Lewis Howes podcast video:
â This is how to stop your partner from cheating.â
(Guest: Esther Perell )
Have a nice weekend.
Hi, I would like to pose a question, which I think is relevant to this post. If a first episode is limerence is triggered and begins its course from glimmer onwards, and you have no idea what is happening at that stage. You have never heard of limerence. All you know is you feel amazing and it’s hard not to believe you may have found your dream partner. Is there anything at that stage that can prevent the experience.? Would knowing that you are unfairly contemplating upending you situation with your SO be enough to nip the LE in the bud? In other words is it inevitable that your situation with your SO becomes threatened if you have no knowledge yet about Limerence. While subsequent actions can be moderated by concern for your SO plus finding LWL and realising what is really going on, is the first ever episode and blind uninformed experience of Limerence something anyone is guilty of in any way?
Mike,
I don’t think you need to know about limerence to understand you have really strong feelings for someone else. And that you are either moving toward those feelings (and that person) or away from them.
Yes, I believe whether you know of limerence or not you are still responsible for your actions when when it comes to love and commitment. For those in committed monogamous long term relationships, whether in marriage or partnership, I think most people have an intrusive knowledge that commitment is an action of love and not just a feeling of in love and if you act on intense feelings of in love with someone else it is a betrayal to the one you have committed to. Knowledge of limerence does not need to be a part of that equation. For some it might be a first episode of LE and confusing and disorienting, but they know the sneaking around, the flirting, the affection, and possible affair is wrong when behind their partners back.
I didn’t know what limerence was until about 3 months in, it was my first LE since being married, and it happened 20 years in. I knew from the first few text messages I was initiating with LO that my intentions were not honorable to SO. But, by that point I also didn’t care, I loved the euphoric high. My emotional romantic self wanted LO no matter what. My reasoned self knew I was playing with fire in a water paper basket.
To answer your other question…no I don’t think there is much to stop the feelings once it crystalizes but feelings are not actions and everyone is still responsible for their actions, so at that point it becomes about controlling your actions in the midst of these intense love feelings. Certainly learning of limerence has helped squelch my stupidity to a degree. I still daydream though of a LO that feels the same as me and running off into the unknown with her. I just know now, due to LE, that the feeling is all fantasy and an illusion.
*intrinsic knowledge*
âI still daydream though of a LO that feels the same as me and running off into the unknown with her.â
Speedwagon!!!
I may not be the best person to reply to this because I currently have no SO. I will try to answer it in some way like I do.
I have probably been somewhat limerent for females my entire life. However I didn’t even know what limerence was until I found out what it was on a YouTube channel called Crappy Childhood Fairy. From there I did some Googling and found this forum.
What had happened was I had my eye upon an extremely attractive younger female that I worked with and caught her attention. There was some amazing eye contact going on between us and then one day she smiled at me. I compared that moment to being hit by a limerence meteorite. The glimmer was insane intense, and I fell so hard and so fast for this Woman, that she has been my world for well over a year now. (Mind you, I have settled for all crumbs in this experience, which makes me the real pathetic one here)
She is completely and totally my dream Woman. Giving me amazing feelings whenever I am in the vicinity of her. This has never happened to me before in this particular way.
As far as I’m concerned, this to me is limerence in its purest form. All those other relationships I had with prior females, pale in comparison to my crush on this Woman. The Sun simply rises and sets on her. And I’m not happy unless I actually see her, look at a picture of her or think of her.
You ask, “Would knowing that you are unfairly contemplating upending you situation with your SO be enough to nip the LE in the bud?”
I try to think of this situation and how I might be if I was still happily married and I think it probably would not have been worth the effort to dissolve my marriage over something I thought was only imaginary hope in my head.
If LO had happened when my marriage was solid, I think it would have been enough to nip the LE away. However my marriage kinda ended up in the trash. I wasn’t the most faithful man. So if LO came around later on and when divorce was on the radar, I probably would have dropped it all for LO. And yes probably also because at that time, I would have had no clue what limerence was.
You also ask, ” While subsequent actions can be moderated by concern for your SO plus finding LWL and realising what is really going on, is the first ever episode and blind uninformed experience of Limerence something anyone is guilty of in any way?
I hope my Friend Adam on this forum finds this post and responds to this question for you because I feel like he can answer this way better than myself. Because he is still married but had to deal with this issue significantly more than I have.
However I am still guilty as HELL, of experiencing limerence in a blind and uninformed way. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
Welcome to the forum Mike. Get ready for the roller coaster ride of your life..
Quote:
âBetrayal Trauma
Itâs like being pushed from an airplane before youâre ready and without a parachute. And while youâre free falling you look up and see the person that pushed you was your partner. Heâs smirking and waving as you hit the ground. The fall breaks every bone in your body, but somehow, miraculously, you survive, BUT YOU DONâT FEEL ALIVE OR LUCKY.
See, your partner never landed the plane, never rushed to the hospital or apologized. He kept flying, picking up a new passenger along the way. It wasnât just bones that shattered. It was your self worth, trust, safety and truth. You no longer understand love. You have met evil and it has killed A PART OF YOU BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO DIE.â
Dr. Ramani says âthe person is experiencing a massive sense of injustice and thereâs nothing you can do to make them feel whole.â
Youâre mourning a loss without a cadaver to be buriedâŚ
Betrayal is betrayal, but thereâre repeated offenders without a sliver of remorse or repentance , are also aggressive; those are the dangerous ones; anyone that puts up with that is ignorant or a fool. Got to seek help.
I also liked the second video:
Anger vs hate; anger is active (dangerous) ; hate is proactive, (movement and reasoning). Very interesting ! I think forgiveness arrives later as you move on on a more purposeful living path.
Maybe I confused the question and I did make the point that your subsequent actions are still a choice …. however if limerence is an involuntary and altered state of mind and you do not realise what is happening, because it is the first time you have experienced it, is it reasonable to feel guilt for having a limerent reaction to another person? Were the feelings really a choice at that beginning stage? I have had situations in two decades with SO where I have felt attraction and a possibility and not acted on it in order to be faithful. I have never had a reaction to someone else of such overwhelming power until it was a limerent reaction. Should I feel guilty about becoming limerent?
Mike,
“I have had situations in two decades with SO where I have felt attraction and a possibility and not acted on it in order to be faithful.”
I think this is common. I’m assuming this was not all that hard to walk away from ?
” I have never had a reaction to someone else of such overwhelming power until it was a limerent reaction. Should I feel guilty about becoming limerent?”
I don’t know how common limerence is. As you wrote, it’s the first time in 20 years. So … why now? That’s what I’d ask yourself. Should you feel guilty? No, but limerence usually shows up in our lives for a reason. A reason that has to do with ourselves and not our LOs. Maybe we’re missing something. Figure out what the missing piece/reason is and you may (fingers crossed) not experience limerence again.
Hi Marcia, thanks for your clear thoughts, I would not experience Linerence again, I would walk away now from a glimmer situation. I have had nearly two years therapy because of limerence. Experienced the vacuum inside me in a powerful theraoy session that is now filled in by me. I am much less vulnerable to getting swept away by anyone. However I am also changed and my SO had had to adapt to me confirming I no longer wish to be her SO but friendship is an option which is where we are. I am not in a relationship at all now. LO was extremely charming but I now know she has a dismissive avoidance attachment style and I have a preoccupied anxious style, a bad match! I feel guilty for becoming limerent and changing things. I am try to assess whether that is useful guilt to guide me to a better place or unreasonable self blame.
Mike,
” I have had nearly two years therapy because of limerence.”
It sounds like you’ve done a lot of good work on yourself. I hate that expression đ but I’m not sure how else to say it.
“LO was extremely charming but I now know she has a dismissive avoidance attachment style and I have a preoccupied anxious style, a bad match! ”
Yes, that is a horrible match. The more she pulls back, the more you go after her. Maybe there is something in your past that makes you vulnerable to her type of personality. I’ve read that the best thing to do if you don’t have a secure attachment style is to find someone who does. So a secure type may make you feel and become less anxious over time, whereas an avoidant will make you feel more anxious.
“I am try to assess whether that is useful guilt to guide me to a better place or unreasonable self blame.”
It’s hard for me to answer that. All I can say is that we are all works in progress.
Mike,
“Should I feel guilty about becoming limerent?
Check out:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/should-limerents-feel-guilty-about-their-limerence/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-do-limerents-feel-guilty/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/rationalisation/
Song of the Thread: “Guilty” Barbara Streisand (1980)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5vUkgIf7Kc
If you search the blog archives, there are a number of posts on infidelity, trust, integrity, SOs emotional and physical affairs. You can spend a lot of time on those.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/
Limerence can seem very compelling…to the point of knowingly acting against what you know to be your best self-interest.
Some people give in to it, some people don’t.
One of the first questions my EAP counselor asked me when I met with her was whether I was willing to sacrifice my marriage and family for LO #4. I told her that I wasn’t.
The counselor’s response: “Then the answer is easy. Get away from her and stay away from her. Stay involved with this woman and this will not end well for you.”
It took a year but I eventually got away. I either hurt her feelings, pissed her off, or both and she ended it. Not the cleanest ending but a decent ending.
I’m divorced, but it’s not because I’m a limerent type, but I worry that if I ever get repartnered, I might get limerent for someone else. I hope I won’t. I hope that if I get repartnered, I’ll put all my energy into my new partner’s health and happiness.
Thanks to Marcia and Limerent Emeritus for your thoughtful, helpful words and links. I guess as Marcia says “we are all works in progress” and as George Michael said “guilty feet they got no rythym”
Thank you Mike for clarifying this song line for me, I (not english-spoken) always understood âguilty fever got no rhythmâđ
âguilty feet they got no rythymâ
From the song: “Careless Whisper” by George Michael (1984) [The zenith of my time with LO #2]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m6en0SQNFs
Why wouldn’t you post the actual video so we can enjoy the luciousness that was George Michael? đ
Why? Two reasons.
1. I usually try to post links that show lyrics.
2. “… The luciousness that was George Michael” thought never entered my head.
You don’t need to post lyrics with him. His voice is very clear.
And George Michael was an artist who needed to be heard and SEEN to really have the full experience. đ
Marcia,
“You donât need to post lyrics with him. His voice is very clear.” – Point conceded
“And George Michael was an artist who needed to be heard and SEEN to really have the full experience. đ” – To you, maybe…
âAnd George Michael was an artist who needed to be heard and SEEN to really have the full experience. đâ â To you, maybeâŚ
Yes, he was known for asking fans to wear blindfolds at his shows because he knew nopbody was interested in looking at him. The fans just screamed their heads off at his voice.
Marcia,
đ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ
It has lyrics. My bad.
Happy now?
Yes. Fantastic. As long as I can still see his hair. đ
For me the craziest thing is that I was able to recover from betrayal by my husband in one year. He chose his LO over me, we had lots of contact after the breakup bc young kids. I think importantly, I had not been limerent toward him. And now, I am suffering hell from a 2-month affair (he cheated, not me) that happened 2,5 years ago. We both were limerent towards each other, but he chose his girlfriend over me. Sadly no contact is not possible. UgghâŚ
Limerence seems to be a curse more than anything else.
Thereâs always a â Rebeccaâ involved in each relationship to mess up things between two people.
Book âRebeccaâ , Daphne du Maurier
Real cheating story, incredible emotional experience, and how to cope with it.
Site : The diary of a CEO/
â She cheated on me and thatâs not all.â( DR Ariaâs true story )
My SO was limerent for a co-worker for about a year (guessing this as I can’t be sure exactly but from our discussions and their behavior, it was about a year.) Looking back, what I find most distressing was not their behaviour (very classic textbook limerence) but my own in the wake of the betrayal. I did some really unethical things in response to it. My worst self emerged. In the end, the betrayal taught me more about myself and I did not like that person. I also recognized that it could have been me in the unsanctioned relationship. I have been limerent before, so I recognized all the signs. As hard as it was, I do value what I learned from the experience.
At the moment neither LO nor I have made any advances to take the LE beyond the occasional flirtation at church…. I have been noting the pain of betrayal in stories of actual affairs, how it devastates people, and using that to remind myself to stay on the right path. Several months ago I even watched the latest film version of the story of Candy Montgomery and Allen Gore, then read the book. It is a stark reminder of just how badly things can go wrong.
Clip of the Day: https://www.gocomics.com/rudypark/2023/10/12
Darrin Bell is also the creator of “Candorville.” I love his work!
I was an affair partner back in college but they weren’t married. LO #2 told me that she was an affair partner. I think LO #4 might have been but I have no hard evidence to base it on.
If you’re unattached, being an affair partner is like driving the getaway car at a bank robbery. Technically, YOU didn’t rob the bank…
But you may have robbed people you may not have even know of something. Affairs of any kind are despicable. And limerence is not too far behind. Excuse me Iâm 27 hours awake, covid positive and a bit drunk already. Please don’t take it personal L.E. I get what you are saying. But being blatantly propositioned by a married young lady a few years ago I have little tolerance for such behavior.
Adam,
https://livingwithlimerence.com/infidelity-and-limerence/#comment-4056
There was no explicit commitment, e.g., engaged, and LO #1 didn’t shut me down. In college, as far as I was concerned, she was fair game.
I knew what I was doing.
It’s an explanation, not an excuse.
Yes I understand there are reasons why affairs happen just like limerence. I apologize for being judgemental. I can see the reasons for my limerence. And Im not proud of those reasons but I recognize them. Im not in the best of conditions today and I value your input here.
Adam,
I don’t see you as being judgmental.
Betrayal is in the eye of the betrayed. I have a very low tolerance for betrayal. Only two people have ever been in a position to romantically betray me and I don’t think either of them ever did.
If they did they were smart enough to keep their mouths shut and good enough to pull it off without me catching wind of it.
Good dialog requires both people are using the same definitions and criteria for evaluation. Then consensus or disagreement is rooted in mutual understanding.
My definition of infidelity is when either party acts outside a mutually understood and agreed to definition what defines fidelity.
LO #2 specifically negotiated those terms.
My wife and I just knew those terms. At least, I thought I knew. It turned out that I didn’t and it almost destroyed our marriage in under 2 years. Her bar for what she considered infidelity/betrayal was pretty low and I crossed it.
This may be of interest to some readers.
https://www.chumplady.com/2023/10/secret-sexual-basements-an-interview-with-dr-omar-minwalla/
Stoicism: To do harm is to do yourself harm; To do an injustice is to do yourself an injustice.
Buddhism: peace and happiness are generated within.
Christianity â whole Bible
From these three perspectives: abusers in the secret sexual basements mentally âsufferâ more â there is NO sustainable peace (Besides fleeting gratification), than the ignorant abused upstairs (unknowns cannot hurt), especially before the truth uncovered. Afterwards, if the abused can see and accept the unchainable fact and chooses to firmly walk away, the suffering can be reduced. Of course, viewing from the society, the abusers need to be condemned; despite their internal âsufferingâ insightfully depicted by Dostoyevskyâs âCrime and Punishmentâ.
Since the beginning of human history, this world is imperfect â 80% flawed and 20 % is evolving, hopefully for betterâŚ.
Itâs just my âfatalistâ view, while Selfishly trying not to be an âabuserâ to suffer FIRST⌠Again, othersâ SO â a concept, is NOT my concern. đ
Thank you for reinforcing my views about those who call themselves limerent.
[Personal attack deleted by Dr L]
Well committed partners that are ignorant of what is going on with their committed partner aren’t going to see the behavior as anything other than an affair. Even if it is just an EA. My wife thought I was having one myself long before I learned what limerence was and disclosed it to her. I don’t think she saw it as anymore than me indulging in an EA.
Now I think that she maybe more understanding. But at the same time frustrated that I still struggle a bit with this more than a year later since I last saw her.
I never crossed a line with her (she was single) professionally, romantically or sexually. But that tiny voice in the back of my head that was trying to scream over limerence knew I wouldn’t be this “friendly” with her if my wife was there with me. That means despite limerence we must take responsibility for our actions in the past and presences of limerence.
I don’t think limerents are as per say “abusers” as the same as a married man actively perusing a woman that is unavailable or unavailable to him for the express purpose of an affair of some kind. But (big but here) we do have to own up to the fact that we behaved in a way that was unfair to our spouse with another person whether it “went too far” or not.
Youâre welcome! đ
So glad that here is not an Echo Chamber! đđź
@Adam,
Your passage/case has just reinforced my stand.
âWell committed partners that are ignorant of what is going on with their committed partner arenât going to see the behavior as anything other than an affair. Even if it is just an EA.â
Very true. I assume that mature, committed partners know or have learned about each other well enough (despite we all evolve constantly). If something in the relationship is detected going off the rail, two grownup partners should communicate and explore what is going on. If honest and brave enough to each other, then discuss about why a blurry EA is emerging in the horizon. If worrying about hurting SO, the explore issue with a therapist.
âMy wife thought I was having one myself long before I learned what limerence was and disclosed it to her. I donât think she saw it as anymore than me indulging in an EA.â
Youâre wise to disclose to your wife. Your wife is very mature in her thinking and feelings. Is a third party (LO) needed here to worry about her wellbeing?
âNow I think that she maybe more understanding. But at the same time frustrated that I still struggle a bit with this more than a year later since I last saw her.â
It proves that she is a wise SO, more understanding of you than you yourself. Our human emotions are highly complex and constantly changing ; in terms of limerence, our brain is in an addictive mode that most of us was previously ignorant. So any frustrations on both sides are natural and totally comprehensible; itâs between you two. On this stage, is a concern of third party (LO) needed?
âI never crossed a line with her (she was single) professionally, romantically or sexually.â
Youâre holding an admirable responsibility for both your wife and your LO here. Carrying all morality or social convictions within you, you held up your line, faithful to your wife and respectable to LO (regardless she reciprocate your LE or not). Is a third party (LO) needed here to worry about your SO? Whatâs going on between you and your SO, or in your own head, is NOT her responsibility, but YOURS.
âBut that tiny voice in the back of my head that was trying to scream over limerence knew I wouldnât be this âfriendlyâ with her if my wife was there with me. That means despite limerence we must take responsibility for our actions in the past and presences of limerence.â
Yes, you as the limerent here, holds the key responsibility. And even if you LO initiates a seductive move, YOU need to resist your limerence, if you truly love your wife. Your SO is your responsibility, NOT your LOâs duty. Please do NOT subtly shift the blame or guilt to LO. It takes two hands to play Ping-Pong!
âI donât think limerents are as per say âabusersâ as the same as a married man actively perusing a woman that is unavailable or unavailable to him for the express purpose of an affair of some kind.â
Limerence as an UNWANTED neurochemical addiction has made limerents suffered a great deal in illusions, mental and physical pains, and even financial or daily functional ruins. Limerents are NEVER active devils, and limerence evil! A big portion of historical creativities in arts and inventions comes out of (un)required limerence for hundreds of years.
In the case of âmarried man actively perusing a women weather (un)available, the morality hammer is on HIM. In the case of a absence of his remorse and internal suffering, his SO has to face the reality and asks, âHave I married a right person? Can this relationships be saved?â Myself was âcasuallyâ cheated by my SO (LO#4P) 4 times (more flings not LEs, between the engagement and wedding), I forgave him within a couple of months and we decided to make it work. I had two big glimmers during the marriage, but did not interact with two LOs; just held the LE in my head, which SO detected currently but did not make any fuss. Our divorce was not related to any affair on either side.
âBut (big but here) we do have to own up to the fact that we behaved in a way that was unfair to our spouse with another person whether it âwent too farâ or not.â
Yes, as a limerent or LO, our behaviors have big impact on our SO, but you cannot shift these responsibilities to the third party â our LOs or our limerents. Theyâre âpulled inâ as a bystander of our limerence, which calls for a broader and deeper examination on our life.
I would take responsibility for my âownâ (as if we could really own any waking human being) SO, but NOT anyone elseâs SO. I trust they are mature and strong enough to take care of their own business with their loving yet âtroubledâ partners/spouses. If those partners/spouses (as a LO or a limerent) are somehow attracted to my complex self, itâs NOT my problems, but their own; love me or hate me, stay or depart is their choice. I only take care of not Initiating the cross of the lineâŚ
Blaming on all sorts of external villains is easy but futile, it will NOT change facts and take away internal frustrations and sufferings. (Most posters here have proved my point!). Each person is on their own for their overall mental and physical wellbeing. All social convictions and morality codes, medicine and therapies are just useful assistants. The true peace and happiness have to be cultivated and can only be generated within oneâs mind and psyche.
Typo: which SO detected âcorrectlyâ but did not make any fuss. One could not control oneâs emotions, but (re)actions regarding those emotions.
Not to take your well thought out responses to my post Snowphoenix, I actually had only one intention to come here. But with your posts above Peter’s I got distracted.
While I was sick with covid between 10/12-10/17 my wife and I had a lot of time to spend together. And our conversations varied. This issue came up while we were both outside, me trying to get the strength to help her with landscaping while sick. She had an emotional breakdown right in our front yard. Possibly hedge clippers still in hand.
She cried and begged me not to leave her. I don’t think I have ever seen her go to pieces like that except for maybe at a funeral of a family member. It is my responsibility to fix this. And that means concentrating on what is still left between us, and working to build on that. Not distracting myself.
@Adam
Iâm sorry to hear about your sickness with Covid, gosh, itâs still here! (I had the new vaccine about 3 weeks ago).
Iâm sorry if I misunderstood your original messageâs intention. My main point is still that despite all your sufferings, youâve held you line responsible for your wife and LO, youâve been working with your wife trying to put this one-year LE behind and improving your relationship. Itâs admirable, and I see you as a model SO for your SO.
I had one breakdown in my life and truly understand what fear (imagined or realistic) and vulnerability meant (I had to take SSIR for 5.5 years); itâs debilitating. In your case (only based on what I scanned here in LwL), only YOU and your Wife could help and support each other (perhaps with some professionals) to pass this difficult time. In addition, I think some kind of specific physical, coping mechanism, such as GYM, or home-based workout, or Yoga, can ease mental and physical pains.
Adam, be better soon!
Thank you Snowphoniex
I have tried to be a good husband, and I appreciate your kind words. I feel that I need to take action now and try to undo what I did.
I do try to keep my mind occupied. It’s the best thing for me right now. But perhaps taking back up my evening walks that I use to do would be good for me.
@Adam,
As far as I know from your talk here, youâve been a good husband without crossing any red line. Why do you sound âguiltyâ?
We have all sorts of emotions that come and go, beyond our logical mindâ control; limerence is just one of them, more intense. As long as we do not act out on some negative ones, weâre guilty free! A THOUGHT OR EMOTION is NOT a crime! I hope your wife could understand this point.
Why do you need to âUNDOâ something? What did you do? Iâm confused here.
Physical exercises always help with any type of stressed mind. Just DO some kinds without questioning how they work, they WORK! My physical workout along meditations are working more efficient than all talking therapies Iâve had in the past. Iâm even trying to use them to âbattleâ the Empire â the powerful UnconsciousâŚ
Adam hi,
Iâm so worried for you being sick and your wife having a nervous breakdown in front of you. It must be very hard for both of you at this time. I hope and pray the Lord have mercy and heal your SO and you and bring peace to your household. I also think you should consider counseling this time around because your SO is at the end of the rope and is not a healthy situation for both of you and the boys. I understand itâs hard on you whoâs suppose to face the consequences as the head of the household. This is not going to be fixed with time, it needs action now. Please, when you get passed Covid, get a therapist or counselor. You canât handle this alone. Let us know how your SO is doing , we care for
you both. đŞđ˝â¤ď¸ Best wishes and a tight hug .
Thank you Nisor
I may not be convinced in God again, but I watched this video yesterday on youtube and reading your comment reminded me of it. The video made a lot of good points. The last one especially spoke to me. It is where I am right now.
I will talk to my wife about therapy. She’s been through it before so she can help in finding the right therapy and therapist for us. It’s just hard for me to open up. My wife is the only one that knows everything about me. Stuff my parents don’t even know. Anyway ….
God Is Not Removing Your Feelings For Someone Because ….
https://youtu.be/eYT8CwlKkIw?si=QCzdppYuoh2ggBOR
Hi Adam,
Nice video, â taking steps in the right directionâ is what you and SO need to do. You guys are suffering when you can do something about it now.
â We donât have to wait for our feelings to change before we start moving forward in our lives.â
Iâll be very glad for you if SO and you go to therapy.
When two are in a hole you need a third person to pull you out. Donât be stubborn like a wild horse, ha, give therapy a try. See, C for cat is doing it and is coming along with flying colors. You both will too.
Hugs to you both. Have a pleasant weekend.
Well I am a stubborn wild horse. But I will try not to be. I don’t like opening up to strangers. But I think if it was a female therapist I could open up. I just find talking to women easier than men.
The only person in the world I have been completely venerable to is my wife. I don’t like the thought of that with someone else.
I’ve been following this poor guy’s story on Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/user/DontbeaDumbbell/
He really got people talking because his wife suddenly up and abandoned him and their kids and ghosted them for days, then he found out her affair partner had died. They’d been carrying on for four years, she was in love–and it turned out she was just one of several to him. She sounds like she may have been limerent. A month ago, we found out she died, but no details. It’s a reminder not just of how lives can be blown up by affairs, but of unscrupulous LOs.
Adam, good morning.
If itâs a female therapist youâ ll do it⌠so be it! Just donât drag this any longer. You can do it. Trust your wife, maybe she doesnât want to carry your vulnerabilities alone, maybe itâs a burden and needs to share with someone else she can trust. Do not be afraid and be humble . Nothing to lose. It all be alright and youâll feel free. Youâll see.
đŤ hugs for both of you.