At the start of the year, I began a series of posts on the elements of purposeful living. It’s turned out to be an eventful year for me, and not gone the way I planned, but as summer comes to an end in my corner of the world, and the first hints of autumn are in the air, we come at last to the final principle that underpins purposeful living: the need to take action.

I’ll be honest, this is a principle I struggle with. I’ve lived most of my life in my head, and have a temperament that wants to plan and plan and plan before starting something new, to consider all the angles, to be sure before I commit. Unfortunately, that planning process can often last longer than my enthusiasm for the new idea.
Intellectually, I know this is a limiting factor in my life, and I know that on those occasions when I have jumped into something new and just got on with it – full of vim and overconfidence – I have generally been pleased with the outcome. You wouldn’t be reading this, for example, if I hadn’t just impulsively started writing about the crazy shit that I’d been going through six years ago.
So, why is taking action so difficult? It’s another one of those aspects of life that is easy to accept but hard to actually do. Our thoughts and feelings seem infuriatingly misaligned, and it’s hard to summon the will to do what you need to.
I’m coming to learn that those sorts of mismatches reveal a deep psychological tap-root. If something simple and obvious causes emotional resistance, the cause is anchored down in the murky depths of the subconscious.
Why taking action is hard
Limerents tend to be introverts, and introverts like to think. The same inclination to ruminate that reinforces limerence can also delay decision making.
When it comes to taking profound, life-changing action on relationships, work, health and happiness, the stakes are high – it’s not too surprising that those of us given to introspection can get caught in analysis paralysis and delay a decision indefinitely due to over-caution.
As previously discussed, indecision has many causes, but it ultimately boils down to fear of making a choice. I had a little a-ha moment about this recently, while reading Love’s executioner by Irvin Yalom: “Decide” has the same etymological root as “homicide” and “genocide”. It literally means to “cut off” – to figuratively kill other options.

To metaphorically kill the status quo, life has to be intolerable. It can be hard to find the courage and determination to finally take action, even if we have mentally understood for a long time that it is necessary. As an extra irony, action is most urgently needed in those situations where every option involves pain and loss.
If you find yourself infatuated with someone unavailable, unhappy in your marriage, frustrated at work, struggling to avoid burnout, but committed to your family and children, every choice is unpalatable. Do you destroy your family to pursue your bliss? Squash your limerent feelings, and force yourself to do your duty? Confront your spouse and excavate the foundations of your marriage? Quit your job to “find yourself”, but jeopardise your family’s security? Labour onwards until the nervous breakdown finally takes you out?
It’s hard to take action when all the options are punishing.
Why taking action is important
The fact that taking action can be so hard is, of course, an indication of how important it is. One of the principal benefits of starting something new is that it moves a decision from an internal aspiration to an external event. Whatever the first action step is, once it becomes public and visible, it becomes concrete.
Let’s take the example of our unhappy limerent above, mired in a common midlife limerence trap. It’s possible that they would have tried talking to their spouse before about their unhappiness, and either had a indifferent or hostile response. Talking is a type of action, of course, but more productive action is needed.
Let’s say that our suffering hero instead asserts that they are going to do something about the situation, and registers with a therapist. That’s a different quality of action than just talking. Maybe it provokes a discussion about potential couples’ therapy, maybe it provokes an argument about financial priorities, but it is a concrete, visible step towards changing the status quo.
Action causes change. It introduces new incentives and obligations – it involves other people, and extra commitments like appointments, deadlines, targets, and payments. There is automatically some social accountability built into taking action. If you talk about getting fit, friends and family can be encouraging and approving, but joining a gym or hiring a personal trainer means it’s not just you that is taking note of your goals anymore. Other people are engaged in your transformation, and you are committing resources to the project.
Action breaks you out of analysis paralysis by bringing a decision into being. It’s important to get started, because you break the stasis and make changes.
And that’s when you start to learn.
Why taking action is purposeful
The practical benefits of publicising a decision and involving other people are important, but the benefits of taking action begin to multiply quickly once you are underway. One of the main reasons that action is purposeful is that it moves you from passively worrying about future consequences to actively learning about yourself.
Taking action leads to new discoveries. Doing something new and purposeful reveals things you never expected – it’s inevitable as even the best planner in the world is ignorant about things they’ve never tried. This principle applies to any purposeful decision.
Let’s say you want to travel more, or that you want to go back to school to complete a course you regret abandoning, or take up archery, or improve your confidence with socialising, or start searching for a new job, or launch a business, or find a romantic partner, or get a dog. Every purposeful choice opens up new vistas of experience. You have a notion that some new project or activity will improve your life, but cannot know for sure until you try.
Taking purposeful action inevitably teaches you important things about yourself. Starting on a new project, in which you learn as you go, uncovers both practical issues (e.g. I need to learn a lot more about LinkedIn if I want to get a better job) and emotional issues (e.g. my impostor syndrome is a lot worse than I realised). By embarking on a project you will discover more about the world and about yourself. Is this project fun? Can you keep at it? Is it harder or easier than you expected? How does it make you feel about yourself?

Why taking action is transformative
Once the purposeful ball starts rolling, it gathers momentum. Action has a practical impact, an emotional impact, and leads to discovery and self-development. Pursuing purposeful goals can be profoundly stimulating and rewarding, and so dispel the illusion that limerence is a unique source of emotional fulfillment.
People who are purposefully engaged in meaningful work and healthy relationships are far less likely to see limerence as an attractive escape from an unsatisfying status quo. Limerence can still happen, of course, if you mean the right sort of person who sets off the glimmer, but that experience will not be such a revelation, such a welcome injection of euphoria. It will instead be gratifying, but also understood as a potentially disruptive risk to happiness.
The instinctive forces that reinforce limerence will be weaker in people living purposeful lives and engaged in purposeful action. Building things is nourishing. Building things is gratifying. Taking action to build a skill, a business, a charity, a relationship, or a literal building, will bring natural and lasting satisfaction.
If you are doing something purposeful, you are building something worthwhile and can take natural and healthy pride in that achievement.
And, along the way, you’ll also build self-esteem.
“Pursuing purposeful goals can be profoundly stimulating and rewarding, and so dispel the illusion that limerence is a unique source of emotional fulfillment.“
Thanks, I needed that today even if I stumble over the wording “CAN be”😆
But on second thought, that’s what I really appreciate about your approach, you are always correct and true, never promising easy solutions and making it clear that everyone is responsible for himself.
Hey Adam,
If you read this, remember that I care for your well being and that I’ll miss you if you don’t come back here. I had you like my son who needed some guidance but didn’t know how to guide you to live a purposeful life. You stay strong, and keep on trying to do your best for yourself first, so you can then help others in your environment. You’re a precious and sensitive person and you’re appreciated for your openness and sincerity. I’ll have you in my prayers. God be with you always. He’ll never abandon you or forsake you… Blessings
Yep I’m still lurking 🫣 Interesting points you made, Dr L. I particularly relate to needing things to be unbearable or incredibly difficult before feeling like the only path is to take action. In a sense I’ve felt it was a blessing that I’ve always been so sensitive (physically and emotionally) that I had to deal with things faster than most. I had awful night terrors when in contact with LO. It was debilitating. The consequence of denying my LE was so awful, I was forced to take action.
I could list multiple scenarios like this from my life. I suppose it’s a double-edged sword causing me a higher degree of pain than most would feel, but ultimately forcing growth and change which I’m grateful for 🙏
And I haven’t been around the blog so much because I’ve been taking action. I lost a community I loved due to possible limerence (not mine). I grieved and it hurt a lot but now I’m busy building a new one at a new gym. And of all coincidences, I happened to sign up to the same gym as someone I met in the same country as LO (they used to work together). We’ve lived in the same city for the past 10 years or so but never bumped into each other before now.
Still checking back now and then to see where you guys are at and hoping things will work out for you all!
Great to hear from you Call me Cordelia! Well done on taking action.
This blog post is oddly appropriate for me today. As is what you say, CmC, that “I particularly relate to needing things to be unbearable or incredibly difficult before feeling like the only path is to take action.”
My depression has been pretty bad this week, as rehearsals are starting this week for the play I didn’t get into (that my SO and LO and the girl he flirts with did get into) and I had a very bad day yesterday. Everything seemed totally hopeless. There’s a particularly vicious irony in the thing in my life that has always given me most joy and purpose, that makes me feel alive (acting) also being the thing that is so dependent on other peoples’ judgement of me, and their decisions, especially given my extreme response to rejection.
Then I went to the theatre last night to see a one-man production of Uncle Vanya, and forgot my glasses. It was one of those days where when another bad thing happens you just sort of go ‘well yes, of course’. But even with that kick in the guts to end a rubbish day, and not being able to see the face of one of the most gorgeous men in the world (yes he’s gay but allow me my fantasy), it was a truly incredible piece of theatre. This morning, for some reason, I felt different. I felt as if I suddenly realised I can do something to help myself. I don’t have to believe the stories I’ve been telling myself about my abilities, looks, age etc. So I finished off my audioproofing website and sent it out to some contacts, and I’m planning to start narrating as well. I contacted a therapist, after procrastinating for ages because I’m scared.
I’m sure this will continue to be a hard road, especially with ongoing silence from LE still making me feel sad and silly, but no-one else is going to do this for me.
Thanks Dr L.
Hey Cat,
Good to see you again and good you are taking action. I’ve had plenty of those rubbish (that’s a word I need to use more often) days myself.
Sounds like you are slowly working your way up out of the hole. As long as you and SO have each other’s backs, you should be fine. Keep that up and be grateful. You could be like me still, sad and stuck with 2 vile Cats that mess up your house all the time.
Thanks MJ. Yes, in a way this might be the making of me and SO. We are certainly closer than we have been for a while, though he’s worried about how depressed I’ve been.
I know you’ve been trying to find some help, and it’s frustrating that you haven’t been successful. I hope you find someone. In the meantime, just make one tiny change maybe, like Dr L says – take the first step to break out of the cycle of pain and heartbreak. Maybe you could vow to spend even just ten minutes doing something other than rumination – listening to a favourite album, reading a book, watching a comedy on TV? I am very reliant on podcasts at the moment when I’m walking the dog, which is when I have time to ruminate. Music doesn’t help as much but if I have people talking in my ear I have to listen to them. Comedy podcasts have been really helpful.
Anything to stop practising the pain.
CforC,
well done, we’ll done. It’s a big step to finally contact that therapist, and also congratulations for the website. See, it seems that you are not dependent on that one role in that one play you didn’t get, you’ve got plenty of resources and even better, bigger ones.
Silence from LO can make you sad but please not silly. Please don’t put yourself down.
“Limerents tend to be introverts, and introverts like to think. The same inclination to ruminate that reinforces limerence can also delay decision making.
When it comes to taking profound, life-changing action on relationships, work, health and happiness, the stakes are high – it’s not too surprising that those of us given to introspection can get caught in analysis paralysis and delay a decision indefinitely due to over-caution.
As previously discussed, indecision has many causes, but it ultimately boils down to fear of making a choice …
… To metaphorically kill the status quo, life has to be intolerable. It can be hard to find the courage and determination to finally take action, even if we have mentally understood for a long time that it is necessary. As an extra irony, action is most urgently needed in those situations where every option involves pain and loss.”
I think limerents struggle to leave limerence behind because they don’t want to lose the drug-like effect of limerence, despite the fact the highs come packaged with a lot of lows. What is intolerable to limerents … is not the loss of LO, who one likely doesn’t/can’t possess anyway, but living in a drugged-out state. The drugged-out state (perversely) makes heartbreak bearable to most sufferers.
Here are some thoughts, though, that might help limerents – especially introverted limerents – leave limerence behind.
(1) Realise that life is meaningful even without an LO. Your LO does not have to be the one thing that imbues your life with meaning. 🤔
(2) Realise that you will eventually attract people into your life who enjoy your company, even if you are an introvert and feel like an “ugly duckling” most of the time. Everyone feels like an “ugly duckling” some of the time – you’d be surprised! 😉
(3) Accept that limerence is stopping you from fully participating in human social life. This is true even if you and your LO are happily married to one another!! 😆
As an introvert, you might say to yourself: “Well, it’s okay I don’t fully participate in human social life, because I don’t much like people anyway.” This is misguided. Most people are very nice once you give them a chance. As a limerence-prone introvert, you might have to FORCE yourself to interact regularly with other people. Expose yourself to your local community in small doses – you might even learn something from other people you observe or mix with!
I like to go for walks to the middle of town when some special event is being held. I observe the men interacting with the other men. I observe the women interacting with the other women. I observe parents interacting with their children and young people interacting with other young people. I feel my family of origin didn’t provide opportunities to learn social skills. So I can learn things from observing. Or I can feel more comfortable around people simply by sharing public space with other people. Anything to get out of one’s head, right? 😉
If interacting with people in real life feels too stressful/challenging, glean what you can from some good-quality movies. (Preferably movies made in your own country that reflect the current or recent cultural mores of your country). 😜
(4) I feel a lot of marriages and family relationships become strained over time because there is simply not enough AIR in these relationships. In other words, being part of a family is great. But also realise you are part of a tribe – the human tribe – and make time, either individually or as a family – to mingle with the tribe.
People’s emotions become stale and people’s imaginations become stunted when they focus excessive attention on a small number of people. Remember: there are eight billion-plus people in the world. Not all of those eight billion-plus people can be too disagreeable to acknowledge in passing. 😆
(5) Practise good social skills with everyone. Good communication often nips romantic misunderstandings in the bud. Whenever I interact with others males now, I look them straight in the eye, I flash a big cheesy grin, I say what I mean and I mean what I say, I pay non-romantic compliments, I say please and thank-you, I acknowledge other people’s probable agendas (or lack of a probable agenda). I don’t assume the world revolves around me and how gorgeous/fascinating I am. 🤣
(6) Purely humorous suggestion – free feel to neglect your appearance. If you’re male and not employed as a supermodel, you don’t have to look a million bucks when you leave the house. Alternatively, if you’re a female, DO pay attention to your appearance – it will give you something to bond over with other females. Gender roles aren’t always about oppressing one sex or the other. Gender roles can be about having common ground with other members of the same sex. 😜
(7) Develop a sense of humour about yourself. If someone makes a joke at your expense, show your appreciation by laughing. That person most likely has some warm (platonic) feelings for you and is trying to bond with you. Don’t devalue relationships just because said relationship has no romantic potential. 😉
Sammy,
“Alternatively, if you’re a female, DO pay attention to your appearance – it will give you something to bond over with other females.”
Uh … maybe if you’re in a sorority and you all get the same highlights to your hair. 🙂
I just don’t find talking about hair, makeup, nails and clothes all that interesting. I mean, a little bit is fine, but it’s like talking about what one is making for dinner. It’s best as a short topic. 🙂
@Sammy, @Marcia, @Mila
“Alternatively, if you’re a female, DO pay attention to your appearance – it will give you something to bond over with other females.”
In my professional working place, despite all putting on light makeups, we don’t even compliment each other about our makeup or clothes. At most, a sincere compliment “you look very nice,” or “I like your dress/outfit” is given. Of course, it’s not enough to bond with one line.
When women (international) colleagues-friends got together outside office, we would emotionally “rant” about all sorts of world events and personal affairs — ridiculous politics, terrible war, unfair educational system, kids raring, personal growth/ambitions, travel anecdotes, exotic cultures, ethnic speciality cooking in details, workout, etc. We rarely talk about other men except a superficial bit of SOs or dates. Empathy is primary attitude no matter what’s a focus of topic.
In my COO, it’s a quite different world. Looks, makeups, hairdo, clothes… are over concerned among even adult women, w/o PhD. They fear to be judged by their appearance by both men and other women, and most men and women do! If women try to discuss and debate with them about complex issues with both men and women, the most “run away”…, few stay but just smile and are amused without engaging in topics you’re deeply interested as if it’s not worthy their time and attention. Men are more willing to take you for dinner or shower you with makeup gifts.
Needless to declare her my attitude towards macho culture, or men or women still living in it…
Thank you Snowphoenix. 🙏
A quick note to let people know that I’ve moved a load of comments to the coffeehouse Please carry on personal discussions there. Thanks!
– Dr L
Uh, sorry. The problem is probably that discussions spin out of comments to the article, and then it’s difficult to move it elsewhere once it developed.
( you can remove or delete this comment too!)
Hi Mila,
Yeah, it is an issue I am struggling to find a good solution for. I want the comments on each article to be relevant to the topic, but conversations naturally bloom and wander off in all directions. For now, we’ll try shunting them into the coffeehouse when they’ve drifted too far. 🙂
Ok, just shunt away👍🏻maybe we could also open a new topic in the coffeehouse thread if we realize that we are straying too far from the subject of the article.
Hello Dr. L. Conversations always evolve and go off track that is the way we are, especially deep meaningful limerent types who use the comments as a thought sharing and let’s be honest a support network. Some suggestions….Maybe on the blog posts you don’t have reply button to others comments only to the original article. Or you limit the responses to 1 week say. And you have therein a clear link for people to click through to the coffeehouse for conversational chats. Thanks for everything you do….
Hello- I’m new to this site after having a horrible shock about my LO yesterday. I realised that my reaction to the news that he was leaving for another job was completely disproportionate to the situation- basically just a colleague moving on to another position in a different company. But it shook me to the core and I’ve been in a depressed fog ever since. We’re both happily married with children and live in different countries but we see each other at work events every few months. Perhaps my intense reaction was because just that week we’d spent a lot of time in each other’s company and as a result I’d been walking on air because of all the great conversations we’d had. Maybe I feel betrayed that he didn’t disclose this news to me then. And also I feel devastated that I’ll probably never see him again, even though I know it should actually be a huge relief. Just feeling so sad and upset about the situation and can’t talk to anyone.
Hi Sillyme, that’s what this forum is for. You can talk to us. I feel your pain.
There is a small similarity in our LE’s, whereas my LO didn’t exactly leave the company, she just left the building I work in, to go work in another location, next door to my building. I’ve spent a huge amount of time (like over a year now) hoping on this LO and wasting so much time ruminating, that now I’ve backed myself into a corner and feel like I don’t ever want to get out.
In a way, it was and should have been a relief when she switched locations, but it’s only fueled more sadness and self pity on my part.
Overall, limerence has been a terrible experience for me. I wouldn’t wish it on my own worst enemy.
Thanks for responding, MJ. I’m sorry to hear about your pain 😢
Hi silly me ,
I m so sorry for your hurtful situation. Welcome to LwL family.
Me and my lo, then SO , worked at the same office. One of the reasons of our breakup was that he moved to another job in a different company and I felt so sad, like I was abandoned , I couldn’t bear coming to the office and not seeing him. I also changed jobs and made new good friends, things started to change, we were dating less and I felt it was time to run for cover; I ended the relationship. 49 years of NC, last year I had a dream with him , limerence was born, and I had the urgency to contact him , found his telephone number and called him; you can imagine the emotions of both of us!!! But he has SO and me too. We can’t talk no more due to his wife. She handles his phone! Perhaps she thinks I’m husband pouching…with all her rights. So it’s a forced NC now. Though he said it was ok to call him. Still pining for him more than ever. But I know it’s useless for we’re now old and continents apart. Thus NC will be forever now. Trying to recover one step at the time. So is life…
Hope you get over this fast enough to continue your purposeful living and forget Lo.
Best wishes.
Hi Sillyme. You have no idea how freaked out I will be if my LO told me he was moving to a new company. I don’t even know how I will survive it. So I think us Limerence definitely understand you very well.
I would try to find ways to keep in touch.. even though we are supposed to do the opposite.
So how long until I start to see results from taking action? Like I started today, and by today I mean in the last 3 hours 😓
Problem child, hi
How fast until you feel comfortable to say you’re out of the woods? Well, it depends on each individual and their resolve to let LO go. Perhaps six months to four years, if not more, depending on how deep you were involved, and how motivated you are to start new adventures and a new life with someone else. Also you need to associate with new places, new people, do new things, and if the stars are “aligned correctly for you”, there’s a great probability you’ll find someone new, who would catch your interest … It almost always happens. Be positive and hopeful, and Don’t Look Back!
Best wishes to you.
Hi Nisor,
I don’t want another LO! Inevitably it will happen but I don’t want to go looking for it. Unless it’s my SO, wouldn’t that be lovely and handy and fairytale-like!
Yes, I’m pretty motivated – I tend to have this all or nothing mentality and once that kicks in I’m like a runaway train! I know what you mean though, impossible to say when this will be over.
At the moment I hate him, whilst still being obsessed with him. Horrible.
Ohh taking action… well I am one of those who are constantly doing things. I am very social, and I interact with people. In fact I get very sad when I don’t. And I feel much better when I am in social situations. It takes my mind off LO. However as soon as I am left to myself (especially at work) I immediately become sad if he isn’t messaging me. We are on day 7 of NC, and all I can think of is what I am going to say when he reached out. And then freaking out when I think “what if he doesn’t reach out, am I really ready to move on?” The answer is no, I am not, but I am stubborn and will not reach out first.
Another thing I found that helps is just removing myself from my everyday environment. Like going on a trip away from work and away from home. But that is not always easy to do, as most of us have families and SOs and jobs etc, and it takes money do go on trips. But there is nothing that has helped me more than going on vacation.
“We are on day 7 of NC, and all I can think of is what I am going to say when he reached out” – ha, I’ve been there. I’m on week six and he never did reach out. Which is good. But still hurts. And I still plan what I am going to say when I see him again and that still makes me angry! But I’m definitely thinking about him less until something reminds me.
“But I’m definitely thinking about him less until something reminds me.”
Song of the Post:
Sometimes, my job is too easy…
“Always Something There To Remind Me” – Naked Eyes (1983)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMevu94Spew
Ok, so Dionne Warwick did it first but this came out the year LO #2 and I started dating so it wins!
He reached out today lol. And then pretty much ignored everything I said and never responded. Now we are back to day 0, and I am not reaching out again. Next time I won’t even engage in a conversation. What’s the point, I am only left hanging.
“What’s the point, I am only left hanging.”
Oh, Lola. You don’t know how much I feel your pain. I have made the same resolution for the exact same reason. Always left hanging.
I’m new here. Been lurking for the past two days. I feel so terribly paralyzed. I know that I need to take any sort of action but my behind is glued to the couch. I didn’t leave my apartment at all today thinking about when my LO will reach out to me. It’s been 13 days. I’ve decided to go NC and not respond if he ever messages me again, but I waiver on that choice constantly. It’s a mixture of longing and anger.
I feel like a fool because I cyber-stalked LO online and found out so much that he did not disclose. I found a family picture of LO on someone’s IG account and there he was smiling, standing behind his wife with his arms around her. His son and grand babies. I kept remembering all the times he insinuated how unhappy he was and the flirtations. He shared thoughts of moving out and bringing me with him into his new life. But he was always so careful in writing that it left me wondering if I was reading too much into things. Always the uncertainty. LO was my mentor and I confided many things to him that I now regret and feel pathetic. He was more guarded with this sharing, particularly about his family. All the times he said that I was meant for greater and better things than children and marriage and then there he is surrounded by a huge family. I know LO would not have gotten where he is in his career without his wife, it’s obvious to me. And for LO to belittle everything I wanted and what he has, fills me with rage.
And yet, here I sit feeling pathetic and wishing he would reach out to me.
Purple dragon,
welcome to the LwL community.
Some tricky situation you’re in.
You say you’re 13 days NC , but don’t know if you’ll waiver if he reaches you out first?
No, no, DONT waiver ! It seems to me he’s fooling you; how can someone tell you to move out with them but you didn’t even know he had a family? Something is not right in here…no wonder you have mixed feelings of longing and rage and always left hanging!
I don’t know if you prefer to confront him first about not disclosing that he has a family and the seriousness of him running away with you. And then take it from there. What’s this all about, a flimsy adventure that will only bring pain and suffering to you and his family ? Are you ready for that?
I suggest you keep on reading the blogs here to get more clarification on these matters before you can act on your particular situation. My two cents…
Best wishes to you.
Purple dragon,
Your situation is worse than mine in a way. You were given false hope and lies. This would make me so so mad. I was never given any hope, I know everything about my LO (or at least enough), and I still can’t move on.
The people on the site most definitely understand how hard it is to keep NC when your thoughts are entirely occupied by this one person. I do a lot of things outside work, and am very active, and still all I can think about is how I will tell LO about it.
Hello Nisor, thank you for the welcome. To clarify, I did know he was married and had a family. It’s just that LO made it seem that he was so unhappy in his marriage and leading separate lives for many years. He made it seem like a business arrangement. But I read and found things online that contradict what he told me about his unhappiness and his life.
Hi Lola,
Thank you for replying. Yes, I believe that is why I’m so angry, the false hope and lies by omission. And like you, despite all this, the first person I want to share things with is him.
Trying to remain resolute in my decision of NC. Day 14.
I will go for a walk in a park today.
Been living in a dead end marriage. No friends, neighbours are not great. Run my own business which is slowly dying on me. I work from home so don’t get out much. Can’t do the things I enjoy because the wife has needs constant attention due to medical issues. Nearly 2 decades in a sexless mariage and iout of the blue 3 months ago I get chatting to a friend I’ve not seen for 30 years. She is at the other end of the country. She isn’t happy with her partner so we share common ground.
We hit it off , I’m over 50 now, she just turned 50. She driven , kind, retired and full of life. Everything I want to be. We became good friends. Then everything is ruined by me becoming Limerant. Never happened before. 3 months in I pulled the plug and went no contact. Hardest thing I did in my entire life. Those 3 months were so good and so painful all at them same time. I told her how I felt, she took it well considering I dumped the L bomb on her. I hoped at that stage she would understand and we could be friends.
Reminder that she is, was the ONLY good thing to happen to me in 17 years. I then realised I was dying inside. We did arrange to meet but it fell through. Now I’ve ruined a good friendship and the only thing I looked forward to. At the end the day I just staree mindlessly at the TV and wait for bed time. Wait for sleep where it can all go away. 5 days no contact and no more friend either. This is truly horrible self destructive stuff.
Don’t want to fight the tide,
This: “At the end the day I just staree mindlessly at the TV and wait for bed time. Wait for sleep where it can all go away.” I do the same and understand the feeling.
I know how difficult it can be to be a caregiver, but can’t imagine what it’s like to do it for years on end. Is there any way for you to get a respite worker at least once a week so that you can start doing the things you enjoy again? It won’t help your wife if you drown. At this point I would say your well being is more important than hers.