Thank you for visiting my blog.
It seems fitting to start with introductions, and an explanation of what I’m hoping to achieve with this. My name is… not important. I’m going to keep this pseudonomous, at least for now, and I’m sure that most of the visitors here will understand why. Limerence is an agonisingly personal topic, and if I’m going to be able to express myself honestly it would be best if I don’t expose myself unnecessarily to casual acquaintances (and employers).
So, goal number one is to satisfy the desire to discuss limerence in an unabashed and open way. As a general rule of life, I think that self-awareness comes from honest examination of one’s own behaviour and motivations, vigorously resisting the temptation to frame the narrative in a way that protects one’s delicate ego. Despite that principle, I wouldn’t blurt this stuff out in public.
Goal number two is education. The discovery of limerence as a concept (and Dorothy Tennov’s book, specifically) was a revelation for me, and seemed to both explain my own predicament (and history), as well as a huge sweep of human folly. The idea that non-limerents exist was jarring at first – as with most limerents I guess I assumed everyone felt the same and that anyone that didn’t was just defective – but of course more reflection made me grasp the tragedy of two tribes forever doomed to misunderstand one anothers’ motives and drives. I made it to my fourth decade as a generally curious individual without becoming aware of the concept of limerence, so any resource for education and dissemination seems to be an obviously Good Thing.
Goal number three is to help others currently enjoying the ravages of a limerent episode. When limerence is mutual then it comes as close to bliss as anything I’ve ever experienced, but it often isn’t. Coping with unrequited or inappropriately directed limerence is… non-trivial. The best strategy for resistance is to arm yourself with knowledge. Immersion in information about the psychological, physiological, behavioural and social bases of limerence has proved an effective tonic for me, but that information was found haphazardly, and was of variable quality. Hopefully, gathering the good stuff together here will be helpful. If nothing else, ruminating about the nature of limerence is a good distraction from ruminating about a specific limerent object – and it has the side benefit of drip-feeding to the subconscious the deep truth that limerence is about you, not Them, and that it is caused by your emotional needs not their transcendent brilliance.
So, with all that in mind, welcome again. Let’s get started.
We’re onto you, Mr Cumberbatch. But fear not! Your secret’s safe with us.
Hi, I’d like to point out that this article, along with other 2017 articles, is not accessible from the main page anymore. Would be great if there could be an ‘archives’ section for older posts. Thanks!
Anonymous Limerent says
It is, if you go all the way to the bottom and click the picture, I think.
Anonymous Limerent says
Sorry, it’s actually not; I could swear you used to be able to.
The only way I’m aware to get to the early ones is via https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog/ . There are numbered pages toward the bottom.
Apparently, there’s a limit to what you can show under Recent Posts. That limit appears to be around 90 or so (I didn’t spend a lot of time counting). As a new Post is added, one drops off the bottom.
Joining in to hopefully completely kill this thing and let it die. I doing better than where I was at 3 years ago- no longer as obssessive. Unfortunately I live in a small town and I have become as reclusive as I possibly can to avoid crossing paths with old LO. But even after all this time, it’s like a punch in the stomach when I see him across the mall, or out riding his bike- I’m still affected by his presence and then the thoughts resurface- he’s not mine to consider….
Hi WandA and welcome. It’s tough when the LO is hard to get away from. One advantage of finding a virtual community like this, is the realisation that limerence is something that happens inside us, and is not due to the magical specialness of our LOs. All these people all around the world are having a similar experience, because it’s neuroscience, fundamentally.
Once you set your mind to new and better goals, to new sources of happiness, then the power of LO should recede. Welcome again, and I hope we can help fortify your spirits!
Thank you for doing this.
I read everything from beginning to end and this is truly the best and most accessible (from an empathy, used language and self-awareness perspective) resource I have found so far.
I just found out about limerence and how it relates to me and it has also shed some light into past experiences.
I am having one heck of an LE at the moment and I have to say, reading all this has certainly mellowed down the experience. At least it has helped me rationalise it and it doesn’t feel so … let’s call it: supernatural, otherworldly, overpowering, all consuming.
I think giving this situation a name and understanding it acts kind of like a newly discovered volume knob: While the music is still playing, I can at least try control the volume a bit because I am now, in parts thanks to you and this site, aware that it is not just random music magically put in my life, there is a radio that the music is coming from and that it has buttons and knobs and I am not entirely at the dismay of the music.
Lifelong Limerent says
Thank you so much for making this blog DrLimerence!
I have had 10 LE’s in the past 12 years. The first of those being my wife. When we met, the friend we met through told her “He’s a hopeless romantic. He will keep falling in love and break your heart”. Well, she was half right and hopefully I can make her all wrong.
I had begun to believe this was my albatross – to fall for someone in each new job I take up. It is incredible that you have given so many people this resource.
I am about to become a father and look forward to re-energising the relationship with my wife and to make a stable home for my child with no intrusive thoughts of LO.
I realize this comes a bit late, but I just discovered your website recently and boy is it great to know that I’m not alone. Just some pathetic emotionally unstable lovesick weirdo. The first time I heard about limerence was a couple years ago. I was sitting in a waiting room while my daughter was in a therapy session, just dicking around online as usual. When I came across a site that introdduced me to limerence and described what it actually is, I knew with every fiber of my being that that’s what I was experiencing. I sat there in the waiting room with tears running down my face as I thought about everything. How my brain had been playing tricks on me my whole life. How my current L O wasn’t actually this awesome person I believed him to be. That was by far the most mind-blowing and hard to swallow pill I’ve ever encountered. But I’m glad I found out, no matter how harsh the disillusioning. Right away I ordered Dorothy’s book and read it cover-to-cover. Even with all my knowledge I still chose to stay in limerence with my current LO for quite a while and am still recovering.
If I may, I’d like to share something that has helped me recently. I sat down with a journal and made a timeline of my life and mapped out how many LOs I’ve had in my lifetime going all the way back to middle school where it all started. I have had 10! I made a list of all of them and then wrote down some questions, then wrote down answers to each one as it applies to each of my LOs. I really took some time to think about my answers. It’s a bit time-consuming and maybe you have to enjoy journaling in the first place, as I do. But for me at least, it was extremely helpful with current LO and putting things into perspective. And I thought, maybe it can help someone else. The questions I asked myself were:
1. How long did this LE last?
2. What ended this LE?
3. Do you still have contact with this person, and what is your relationship like now?
4. How intense was it? What do you think specifically contributed to the intensity or lack thereof?
I’m sure I could think of more, and others could think up their own self-evaluation-promoting questions as well.
The other thing that helped me immensely was a lot of prayer. I remember praying to not be tempted beyond what I’m able to bear during a few rare moments of clarity amidst the throes of LE intoxication. And it seemed like every time LO & I had an opportunity for some intamacy, something or someone would come in and interupt. Thanks God!!
“…the tragedy of two tribes forever doomed to misunderstand one anothers’ motives and drives”
I have so much to learn and I think there is no better place to begin, than the beginning.
Thank you for what you’re doing here. The relief of finding information backed by science: finally! This helps.