Sometimes life throws awful trials at you.
One such trial is the threat of infidelity in a long-term relationship.
I occasionally get emails from people who have noticed a change in their partner’s personality or behaviour, and their attitude towards their relationship.
Understandably, this is very distressing.
Often, my correspondent has started trying to research explanations for what’s going on, and come across descriptions of limerence. That’s when they contact me.
Commonly, they are hoping for clarification as to whether the behavioural changes they have spotted are evidence that their partner is experiencing limerence.
Unfortunately, this isn’t as simple a question to answer as it might first appear.
The symptoms of limerence are, by their nature, internal. They’re happening inside the limerent’s head, and if that person is trying to conceal what’s going on from their long-term partner (either through embarrassment or dishonesty) the signs can be confusing.
To help with this problem, I’ve created a quiz. The goal is to help partners who are trying to figure out whether limerence is contributing to the problems in their relationship get a more informed answer.
It’s 20 questions long, and is designed to distinguish limerence-specific signs from other general signs of dubious behaviour (such as hiding phones, being secretive, lying, and disappearing off without explanation).
So, for any readers who do, unfortunately, find themselves in this situation, check it out here:
This is the first draft, so any feedback on points of confusion are also much appreciated.
Link to take the quiz:
Hi Dr L,
I want to take a look at your quiz questions, but I want to avoid skewing your data pool. Honestly, the closest I could get to answering accurately would be channeling my past limerent phase and guessing how my SO would have responded back then. Will that cause any problems for your data?
Thanks!
Lovisa
Hi Louisa,
My take is Dr L is seeking input from SO’s to answer his request, and not from Limerents at all. Second guessing your SO’s response in the past is not a true source.
As a limerent, I will respectfully to Dr L not respond on this one.
Imho!
How are you?
Hi Mila,
Well, I was not fully switched on last night when I sent this message as I hadn’t processed the whole thing properly to be able to comment. More sleep needed.
I am ok. I may post an update soon on the Coffeehouse, although there isn’t much to tell in reality.
Glad to see you doing well and most others on here too 🌞 x
Hi Imho,
I would love to read an update!
Me, I’m completely ok although I still notice that I’m not capable to be a good or neutral friend to XLO yet (or ever), I still react negatively on some triggering traits and feel best with as little contact as possible, which might kill this friendship at some point. Which I wouldn‘t wish for, but could accept it.
On other fronts, still trying to get my head round getting older, overall being ok.
😘😘
Hey Lovisa,
Don’t worry about data integrity. This quiz is really just to help people who are worried about whether their partner has limerence, I’m not going to be analysing the results for any patterns or anything.
Feedback from limerents about whether it describes their behaviour well would be helpful!
I took your quiz, Dr. L, and found it embarrassingly accurate. I scored high on nearly every metric for limerence, except for spouse devaluation. While I know devaluing a partner is a common symptom, I don’t feel I did that during my last LE (though I suppose my husband might see it differently).
This is a wonderful resource. My heart goes out to the spouses affected by limerence; I hope they find answers and support.
take what you say with a grain of salt you have no monoply on truth
First time poster. Second LE in my marriage. No clue if spouse even notices. I can admit I probably devalued my spouse, although I feel there’s plenty of blame to go around, as he’s not the kindest spouse. Work can be done on both our ends I guess. This LE is absolutely terrible. Never had such extreme emotions. Probably because he’s my supervisor and also married. Last LE felt safe. Could admire from a distance and used it as way to stay content in marriage (was only married two years at that point). This current LE hell comes over a decade later and has done a number on my emotions. I feel like I’m getting better but don’t want to speak too soon. Still working on figuring out why it happened and why him. Midlife crisis maybe. Longing for a better life and a more connected loving spouse. Wish I had done life differently. Who knows. If I was the spouse of someone who was limerent, I’m sure I’d be ticked off but I also feel bad for limerents because it totally sucks. I’m more sad that I’m disappointing God more than my spouse. Not sure what that says about me.