I’ve always approached limerence from the perspective of a neuroscientist.
I think it’s fascinating how the basic mechanisms of the reward and bonding systems can escalate a thrilling and intoxicating high into a deeply ingrained behavioural addiction.
At a fundamental level, the strength of transmission in dopamine pathways, and inhibitory feedback from the prefrontal cortex, change. The “wanting” drive gets stronger, and willpower gets weaker.
But, those changes happen gradually, over time, as a consequence of actual human behaviour.
There’s always a physiological and psychological dimension, with each influencing the other.
Today’s post is focused on the psychological dimension.
What goes through our minds while limerence is escalating?
How does reverie and rumination reinforce addiction?
How do the intrusive thought loops that characterise late stage limerence develop?
1. Some theory
I’ve been reading the literature on behavioural addictions lately, and a theory introduced in 2005 seems especially relevant to limerence.
The title of the paper is great: “Imaginary relish and exquisite torture: The elaborated intrusion theory of desire”.
In the two decades since, this theory seems to have held up well, and there has been a lot of new research within its framework.
Briefly, the idea is this:
- An external cue or internal feeling triggers an intrusive thought about a reward
- That starts a cycle of “elaboration” where the impulse leads to “desire thinking” about the reward, which can itself cause pleasure
- As time goes on, elaborations are followed by discomfort about not having the reward yet.
To give a specific example: smokers become addicted to nicotine, and work through the cycle like this:
- Sees someone smoking nearby
- Thinks “I really want a cigarette” (intrusive thought)
- Imagines the smell and the satisfaction of inhaling a lungful. Thinks “it’s been a while since my last, so it’s fine” (elaboration through desire thinking)
- Starts to feel twitchy and unable to concentrate on other things. Desire begins to nag. (Craving feels uncomfortable)
- Has a cigarette
The same sort of pattern would be at work during limerence:
- Sees someone who looks like LO
- Thinks “I really want LO” (intrusive thought)
- Imagines their beautiful face smiling happily. Thinks “I could have a quick look on Instagram” (elaboration)
- Starts to feel twitchy and unable to concentrate on other things. (Craving)
- Seeks LO’s photo on Instagram
The main point of the elaborated intrusion theory is to recognise that the elaborations contribute to the onset of addiction.
The thought loops reinforce the reward-seeking drive and diminish the executive override that should be moderating out-of-control appetites.
That process drives the transition from “exciting romantic thrills” to “person addiction”, but it becomes so habitual that you don’t really notice how it is escalating out of control.
It’s worth digging a bit deeper, because I think there are some riches buried here that can help understand the psychology better.
2. Desire thinking
The elaboration process is all about desire thinking, which will be familiar to any limerent who has ever daydreamed about their limerent object.
So, all of us, basically.
Desire thinking is another important concept in addiction research. It’s usually broken down into two components:
- Imaginal prefiguration
- Verbal perseveration
In plainer language, that means imagining the reward, and self-talk about the reward.
I definitely get the imagination part. Certainly, visual images of the LO frequently intruded into my mind and I build up quite detailed daydreams about our interactions, but for me, the verbal perseveration part is less personally familiar.
The concept is that people can get stuck in repetitive verbal thoughts that justify or rationalise addictive reward-seeking. For drugs this could be thoughts or phrases like “Just a bit more,” or “I’ll feel better when I get it.” Or the classic “I can handle it.”
But, I’m struggling to remember any times I personally had these thought loops myself.
I do remember a commenter a while back saying they were plagued by the LO’s name, which would echo repeatedly in their mind, like a broken record. That would be a great example, but I can’t think of many others.
Maybe: “I’ve never felt like this before?”
So, a question for the community:
Can you remember any specific words or phrases that repeated in your mind when you were in the midst of limerence?
3. Metacognitive beliefs
Once the thought loops get established, the last step in this process is what are termed metacognitive beliefs.
These are the higher-level justifications that are used to make sense of the elaborated intrusions.
So, things like: “I always feel better after gambling.” “I need this to calm down.” “I’ve taken more out of alcohol than it’s taken out of me.”
With limerence, this again seems really well aligned.
- This is true love
- He’s my soulmate
- I can’t bear to be without her
- We’re made for each other
- Love lifts us up where we belong
It’s easy to find stories to tell ourselves about the meaning of limerence that fit within pre-existing beliefs about life and love.
And, unlike destructive addictions, limerence can lead to positive outcomes if you are able to form a healthy relationship with your limerent object.
So, these aren’t even necessarily maladaptive beliefs.
I’m going to keep digging on this theme for a while, as my instinct is that it has a lot of explanatory power.
I’ll also be building a workshop on how to apply these ideas to managing intrusive thoughts and recovering from limerence.
But for now, I’ll end again with that request for your knowledge and experience:
Can you remember any specific words or phrases that repeated in your mind when you were in the midst of limerence?
Look forward to hearing your answers!
Do lines from love songs or poetry count?
For sure, if they were part of the thought loops when you were ruminating about LO.
“The Air That I Breathe” – The Hollies
“Wild Nights” – Emily Dickinson
Are these lines for your SO or LO (can’t remember whether you had/have a LO)?
Found them on SO’s phone.
Also, I re-read the post, caught the “Love lifts us up where we belong” reference!
Got it. Thanks.
A few summers back Taylor Swifts hit Cruel Summer was playing on the radio every 10 minutes. There was a line she uses in the beginning “what doesn’t kill me makes me want you more”. That line always passes through my head whenever I see her and even worse when she makes it a point to talk to me.
The below post is for you.
Thanks, Richie. Looks like song lyrics might be a theme…
Are you and “her” available (in all leaves) to each other for dating?
If YES, it’s wise to take action before involuntarily slipping into the LE addiction.
If NO, such a phrase in the mind would lead you to a further demise.
Edit (auto correction’s fault): “on all levels”
NO! Both married with kids. I believe it’s what Dr L would call toxic or dangerous limerence on my end as I am limerent towards her but have no idea how she feels towards me. And as we’ve learned on this sight at LWL it doesn’t matter how they feel it all spells trouble either way. It’s something I’ve been fighting hard to simply let go of for almost 3 years now.
Ohh… I’m sorry for your situation… 🙁
Otherwise, your LE affection might have melt her heart, who knows… Were there cases (or in pop songs) that LO fell in LE with limerent’s LE? 🤔
By the way, did you try the “past digging” work?
I have tried for over 2 1/2 years digging into my past looking for answers but truthfully nothing adds up.
I think if anything this women takes extremely good care of herself and believes and is a veteran runner like me. She is also someone I share other hobbies/ sports with.
I think if anything she’s simply someone I could see myself enjoying life with while being extremely attracted to. However if this website and all my other research has taught me anything it’s that Limerence is merely a bunch of fantasies and love stories we tell ourselves that are simply made up in our heads.
“I have tried for over 2 1/2 years digging into my past looking for answers but truthfully nothing adds up.”
Hmm…. are you saying that your entire childhood and youth were peachy, smooth sailing all the way to 18 yrs? Your family dynamic was like that of Addams Family? No personal traumas/high stresses at home or school? The cultural environment was more liberal than conservative? (If I know some data, I may be able to help you here.)
“I think if anything this women takes extremely good care of herself and believes and is a veteran runner like me. She is also someone I share other hobbies/ sports with.”
Shared hobbies and sports are strong foundation to connect available couples/dates for a future possible relationship, because sports or any sweaty body movements reduce mental/emotional stresses/discordance, such as normal melancholy, boredom, bickering, argument anger, etc. Do you share some core values and personality traits?
“I think if anything she’s simply someone I could see myself enjoying life with while being extremely attracted to. “
That’s rare in LwL world. Majority of cases here are about LE attraction ONLY— unavailable and unrequited attraction, but little compatibility or potential compatibility for LO and Lm to form a realistic pair-bond. Too bad that you can’t test your beliefs in your situation.
“However if this website and all my other research has taught me anything it’s that Limerence is merely a bunch of fantasies and love stories we tell ourselves that are simply made up in our heads.”
You’re right that Limerence is mainly a bunch of fantasies /love stories existing in one’s head, unrealistic and unhealthy. I truly believe that mutual limerence would be a disaster to both sides— neither party has a logical feet grounded in reality and live day-to-day, often routine life.
But, we can’t totally rely on what we read here and become pessimistic, there is outside world where non-lm&non-lim, lm&non-lm, informed lm&lm live their realistic, healthy love life, like Dr L and his wife.
To me (1 yr post – LE), limerence is selfish, focusing on oneself: my desire, my variety of emotion needs, my longing, etc, just listen to those pop songs, most lyrics are about what’s going in limerent’s head. I could help often ask silently, “what do those singers, with such rich, beautiful emotions, do with/to their beloved after singing?”
Real Love is about caring for the other side more than oneself, courageously to give/show his/her love (Eros + 3~4 kinds) first while letting go outcomes (applying Stoicism here). The other side does the same — a two-way traffic. Real love is founded in accountable words and concrete actions, steadily shown in the interaction with each other.
If both sides are available, they need to date to test out what affection one is having: limerence ONLY — chasing LO for one’s desires or for chasing itself; or (classical) Love — to give and receive affections and gradually connect with each other. If two are still attracted and deeply care for each other after realistic dating for a while( 3~6 months?), then the initial limerence has successfully transferred to real love.
But in your case, you can’t test out your heart/mind — is it LE Only, or mixed with a potential real love? Thus, it becomes a heartache to you. I’m sorry.
I had an odd experience before I realized I was limerent for LO, or before I knew what those words meant. I was driving down the street and I saw another car with a vanity plate which read KRZINLV.
The sight of that plate had such an effect on me that I slammed on my brakes, even though there was no reason to. Luckily there was no one behind me.
That’s when it hit me that I was nuts about LO and those words have gone through my mind repeatedly.
Thanks, Norma. Good one.
Although it took me a while to decode, what with being British and therefore reading it as Kr-Zed-inlv 🙂
To Dr. Tom:
We are divided by a common language.
In the midst of my XLE, I had none of the above phrase or any romantic phrase to ruminate. I did ruminate on what’s happening with my buzzing nerves and on the blurry LO — unable to remember his realistic face outside the workplace.
I felt so wrong and embarrassed to unknowingly fall in LE with a married man, which never happened prior to XLE. Glimmered at unavailable men a couple of times but quickly killed them.
I don’t understand how partnered limerents could ever ruminate on those LE phrases. 🧐
To Miss Snow:
I am in no position to answer that question since I have been divorced for years.
However, I am not sure being partnered would make a difference?
“Can you remember any specific words or phrases that repeated in your mind when you were in the midst of limerence?”
No.
However…
It’s been a long time and I consider myself to be largely “Post-limerent.” I’ve gotten through the tough part. Recent Facebook reels on avoidant attachment describe my relationship to an uncanny degree, including phrases LO #2 and I said to each other. It’s eerie.
Watching these reels has validated much of what I speculated at the time and what therapists also discussed although not in the degree of detail. But, it’s brought up a loop that is recurring frequently:
“I never want to see you again. There’s nothing I want to hear from you and nothing I want to say to you.” – I don’t know why it’s there, but it is.
Maybe, my LCSW friend was right, LO #2 gave me PTSD.
Interesting point, LE. Post-limerence “verbal perseveration” could be significant too.
Miss Norma,
With our logical thinking, it does make a difference.
Let’s put morality aside for a bit. To me, partnered LO or partnered limerent can’t put all their emotions/mind in one basket, or we say, “step on two boats with two feet”, wobbling back and forth, never steady/safe.
I guess I was/am possessive or intense in the way that I’d want other side’s “all in” for the time being (I’m capable of doing the same). Partnered LO/Lm are unable, period!
While f2f or through texts/emails, I could sense other side very well. So by intuition, logic, and experiences, partnered LO or Lm are never the Neverland for my valued heart and picky mind to fly to, for momentary fun to or settle down.
I almost never did/do things half-heartedly, it’s “harming” one’s mental health.
I have been thinking for a while, but I cannot recall specific phrases or lines from my LEs. Like some others posted, I can easily name songs or other pieces of music in connection with my LEs, but they aren’t about the words, maybe a bit about the content of the words, but it’s mostly the sound and harmonies I connect (some are without vocals).
Interestingly, like L.E. it‘s more to do with the fight against an LE or limerence that I responded strongly to words, poems, affirmations to let go etc.-
I remember a poem I found on Instagram:
„my arms grew tired
from constantly reaching
so i wrapped them around myself
and allowed them
to rest“
(L.E.Bowman)
That’s a great poem, Mila. Thanks for sharing.