There’s an unusual phenomenon that sometimes happens during unwanted limerence where a limerent, in the throes of a painful and overwhelming emotional need that is in conflict with the practicalities of real life, decides they need to “get LO out of their system.”
This usually means having sex with their LO.
I’ll be honest, I’ve heard this idea most often from male limerents.
Now, I don’t want to stereotype, and I haven’t gathered data or anything, but anecdotally this sentiment seems to be expressed more by men than women.
If we could just hook up, the “thinking” goes, then it would rid me of this relentless, frustrating craving.
I suspect that this idea comes from the classic “pump and dump” strategy that some men adopt when they want to have sex but don’t want to commit.
These limerents come to believe that satisfying their erotic itch will free them of the insatiable desire for their limerent object—as though orgasm would somehow burn away the wanting drive.
It’s comically wrong, this belief.
Just like most of the other false beliefs that limerents develop, and which (by amazing coincidence) always turn out to involve justifications for them getting to bond and mate, it actually makes things worse.
Let’s go through all the ways this “get them out of my system” plan is likely to go wrong.
1. It won’t work
Limerence is a deep drive to form a pair bond. It may well include intense erotic desire for the limerent object, but it isn’t the same drive as lust.
The limerent might naively think that sating their lust will weaken their limerence, but it’s more likely to do the opposite.
Quite apart from the fact that “pump and dump” is a short-lived solution to the lust problem anyway (I mean it’s not as if the guys who employ it aren’t horny again a day or two later), sex usually deepens intimacy and strengthens bonding.
Limerence develops from the combined action of the arousal, reward and bonding systems in the brain, and sex, it turns out, is arousing, rewarding, and culminates in the release of a massive dose of oxytocin that causes a powerful feeling of connection to the person you’re rubbing up against.
So, thinking that an activity which fires up all the key limerence-reinforcing systems in the brain is a good way of getting rid of limerence is a bit like an alcoholic deciding to have a drink “just to take the edge off.”
Addictive cravings don’t disappear by indulging them.
Now, all that said, I do have to admit that there are sometimes scenarios where the “hook up to get rid of limerence” plan might work.
The first is if the sex is terrible.
Sometimes it does reveal an incompatibility that overcomes the limerence desire. As commenter Allie once put it:
When I had sex with LO2 it pretty much ended my LE as it was perfunctory and completely lacking any emotional connection.
In that situation, you’re not going to be bathing in limerence-reinforcing oxytocin. Instead, you are having an aversive experience that directly counteracts the “LO as reward” program and overwrites it with discomfort and disappointment.
But, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that most rationalising limerents aren’t expecting to “get it out of their system” by having disappointingly bad sex with their LO. They think the purge will actually feel good, but then somehow… finish their business with LO?
A second scenario that could, potentially, work, would be if a major part of the allure of the LO is their mystery. If the glimmer is triggered by LO being intriguing and enigmatic, the desire could in part be about getting the “keys to the kingdom”—being the one person who can gain entry to their intimate embrace.
In principle, this could conceivably dispel some of the magic of an LO’s allure, but in reality it’s still going to powerfully reinforce the fundamental processes that strengthen limerence.
What’s more, if the plan actually did work then it’s an indication that the primary desire was not to form a bond, but to plunder LO’s treasure—the restless desire was in fact the thrill of seduction and conquest, not the formation of an ecstatic union.
So, those two outlier conditions aside, hooking up is very likely to make limerence worse not better.
2. It’s lousy behaviour
It seems unnecessary to say this, but using other people as an emotional purgative is selfish. You shouldn’t do it.
Quite apart from the fact that your LO obviously has to consent to the hook up, there are still a lot of consequences to deal with after the event and many of them will be unintended.
It’s likely that you will not suddenly feel relief from all the limerence symptoms as hoped, but will instead just move into an even deeper phase of the obsession. How you process that revelation (that you didn’t get them out of your system, you flooded your system with them) will determine what happens next.
Your LO might just have some feelings about the situation too.
Unpredictable feelings.
Perhaps—and hear me out because this is entirely possible—they didn’t actually intend to just conveniently rid you of your emotional turmoil but instead had their own needs and desires and hopes.
All these unintended consequences have even more impact if the limerent is already married or in a long-term relationship.
In that scenario, the selfishness steps up a notch.
Torn between a stable relationship and the thrilling intoxication of limerence, some married people genuinely think that “getting it out of their system” is a reasonable solution to the problem of not being able to decide what they want.
As I’ve put it before, they want to take a galactically selfish holiday with their LO, just to see how it goes, and then come back to their family when they’ve cleared their system of inconvenient cravings.
Truly the psychological derangement of limerence is something to behold.
If your motive for starting a sexual relationship with your LO is selfish, the consequences are going to be destructive. Good outcomes rarely come from bad starting points.
Other people are pretty much guaranteed to be hurt, and unlike you (who started the whole thing), they won’t deserve it.
3. It’s anti-purposeful
Drifting through life is one of the commonest ways that we can end up being vulnerable to limerence.
Not knowing who you are, what you really want, or what to do with your life, makes a disruptive romantic adventure seem like an enlivening prospect.
Hooking up with an LO you can’t be with, in the hope that it will help you figure out what you really feel and what you really want, is like setting fire to your house just to shake things up a bit.
You need to figure out who you are and what you want before you hook up with someone else and create lots of consequences.
Fundamentally, if you are stuck in a position where you know you can’t openly and honestly start a proper relationship with an LO, but you also can’t get them out of your head, then the problem is in your head.
Not their undergarments.
People who live with purpose will recognise an unwanted bout of limerence as a warning sign. A subconscious nudge to pay attention to what’s going on and how it could jeopardise what they’ve already built in their life.
It would prompt self-reflection and review, rather than indecision and impulsive action.
To think “I need to get intimate with LO before I can figure out what I want to do” is an admission that you’re surrendering your decision-making to someone else—trying to get relief from an uncomfortable temptation by giving into it.
A limerent who sees “getting it out of their system” as the solution is someone who does not understand how their system works or how to deal with emotional blockages in it.
Unwanted limerence can be a wake-up call that leads to personal transformation.
But that work is internal.
Pumping and dumping LO definitely won’t help.
Wow. What an amazing article. Thank you for giving me so much food for thought.
I must admit, this idea had NEVER occurred to me. I guess I am not a “pump and dump” kind of person.
I already suspect that my LO is terrible in bed, due to being such a defensive and self-absorbed person.
Not that I will ever find out.
“It won’t work”
Go back to https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-definition-of-limerence/
This strategy appears to want to pretty much eliminate the entire Uncertainty path and the Ecstatic Union and No Reciprocation boxes in the other two paths with a single objective test.
Ethical and moral considerations aside, there is also the risk that repeated trials might be considered necessary to confirm things.
Also, what if the sex is good?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWGe2Xmp8h0
OK, still a bad idea…
Yeah it could eliminate the uncertainty if it was actually the start of a romantic relationship with LO.
But that’s not usually the plan. The plan is “I’ll get what my subconscious is most craving, and then I’ll be totally satisfied and walk away and never want anymore again.”
“Repeated trials” is definitely a likely outcome!
“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” – H. L. Mencken
As someone who’s actually done it … I didn’t do it to get him out of my system; I just wanted to do it.
It does bond you to the LO. I don’t think a limerent can have sex with an LO and not get bonded.
The strange thing was that I discovered things about him I genuinely didn’t like and certainly didn’t respect. But the bond was still there.
I still wanted to hear from him, even though a big part of me didn’t (he’s not available, the situation is thus a trainwreck, I don’t even like him that much as a person).
I still think the best course of action is NC. Cut the LO out of your life.
I don’t see any other approach that works. Though of course it is far from a magic pill.
To Marcia:
What you say makes perfect sense to me. I assumed that any physical contact with LO would make me more attached to him, and that has turned out to be the case.
One time, he reached out and stroked my cheek, and I swore I’d never wash my face again.
ND:
” I assumed that any physical contact with LO would make me more attached to him, and that has turned out to be the case.”
I don’t have the ability to ignore/block out who the person is anymore. Even if I’m limerent. That’s the problem. I could do it much better when I was younger. 🙂
And then there’s the other issue … I can’t ignore if we’re on separate planets (the LO and I) as to how much whatever’s going on between us means.
Obviously when one or both parties are married this is not an option. That being said what I’ve found from my Limerent experience and hearing the stories of so many others is that most of the fantasies are not sexual. Most of my daydreams and night dreams are about simply spending time with my LO, going for a drive on a gorgeous day or the perfect cup of coffee at a table for two at a little cafe.
And to close the comment my LO takes extremely good care of themselves and looks amazing in yoga pants and a sweater so I think sex would only deepen the infatuation that I’m finally starting to get over.
Hi Richie,
The reason you have these two kind of dreams is because you can’t have either with your current LO due to both your unavailability.
They are very bonding — spontaneous talks/chats feed the mind, while the gorgeous day always uplifts one’s spirit…
From my past experiences, being able to carry on conversation of big or small, randomly on all sorts of topics is the mentally gratifying and emotionally connecting — the substantial cake in relationship; sex is the icing. Having the icing without the cake (fwb, or w/ nonreciprocal LO) always leaves one feeling empty, nauseous, or painfully longing….
So without either outing activity or sex, are you getting over your gigantic infatuation?
To Snow ❄️
To answer your question I truly believe I’m making rapid progress. This Halloween 🎃 marks 3 years since the Limerence began and it hit me like a freight train in the dark!
Just the other day at a sporting event both of our daughters were competing in I was sitting on a long series of benches that lined the field, of all the places to sit she decided to sit right next to me. As we sat there talking about everything I realized I didn’t have that feeling of having a heart attack while floating up in the clouds at the same time.
When the event was over she passed by me and said goodbye while giving my forearm a few pats and it just doesn’t feel the same as it used to and I’m so very thankful for that.
I never ever want those highs combined with those god awful lows again.
Thanks for asking!
Richie 🐋 ,
Perhaps three years ago, you didn’t treat all kids generously, so a Halloween ghost 👻 whistled a freight train into your house before the midnight 🕛 ?
Just to clarify that you were saying that you didn’t have a feeling of a heart attack but still felt float up in the clouds or you no longer had the two feelings at the same time? I assumed that former meant low and the latter high, which wouldn’t take place at the same time, right? (In my XLE, I felt the both at the separated times; the terrible physical heart ache occurred much, much more than floating up in the clouds, really awful!).
I was going to ask whether you still receive “forearm pitching” but now you felt it’s just forearm pats; perhaps you previously had illusion of the arm being pinched? 😆
It sounds like your physiological system really has calmed done, congratulations! 🎉
Now, knowing what glimmer and LE are and having removed the root of all my xLEs, I don’t think I’ll ever (in)voluntarily fall into LE ❤️🔥 again.
I recently gave a TED Talk on limerence: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ib3ofxJMGo&t=44s&pp=2AEskAIBygUQVGVkeCBicm93bnN2aWxsZdIHCQm4AqO1ajebQw%3D%3D&ra=m
Congratulations on your talk!
Looking forward to your comments here.
Although I feel more like a victim and suffered greatly from limerence for two years, the article makes me feel a bit ‘caught out.’ Yes, I knew he was married and had a daughter (after a three-month web of lies from the LO). Even so, back then I would have given so much just to meet him, pushing aside the thought that I might be destroying an intact family. In my defense, I have to say that the LO kept contacting me over and over again, even though I had asked him to leave me alone. For him, it was perhaps just a game, a casual online pastime with no consequences for him—an erotic stimulation, even though I had described my feelings and my suffering to him. That I couldn’t get him out of my head and was crazy about him. That it hurt not being allowed to get to know him.
I believe that if he had agreed to meet me, which I had asked him to do in the beginning, the limerence would have become even worse. He would have gone back to his family after some ‘fun,’ and I would have been left broken. It would have been even harder to break free from him. My head would have been filled with emotions and fantasies, wishful thinking, daydreams, and hopes that weren’t real.
In a long-distance dating situation —
If other side is unavailable, meeting them in person would make your (plural) LE worse, and there is NO possibility of a true love.
If other side is available, NOT meeting them in person will keep your LE alive; however, meeting them may or may not lead to a real love.
Life never guarantees or grants anything. It all depends on fate, one’s wise thinking and doing…
In the 1st scenario, there is absolutely NO What-ifs, it’s simply futile!
In the 2nd, it’s possibly fertile or futile with some What-ifs. If you (plural) and your LO don’t bravely, mutually give it try, then what-ifs will follow both sides to the grave.
Again there is NO ultimate security in life, except physical death. it’s default of human life and humanity.
To Snow ❄️
To answer your question the way I would’ve felt 2 years ago was both having a heart attack while floating up in the clouds at the same time. My dopamine levels would spike so high and rapidly when she would approach me that I was convinced I’d never felt that way before.
One of the many great things this website has taught us is that those dopamine hits won’t last forever. Even if you drove off into the sunset 🌅 together leaving your old life behind sooner or later reality would set in.
Until next week….
Richie🐬 ,
That’s a kind of cool to have the high and low happening at the same time! I never had them simultaneously in my XLE; the physical heartache always came after waking up in the morning. My cardiologist checked repeatedly and reassured me that I didn’t have a heart disease.
What you get from this website is also what I’ve experienced through my xMarriage out of a mutual LE4. Dopamine really died fast, especially when two sides got together too fast, without a substantial dating, round knowledge about each other, and taste of daily reality together – at least 6~9 months under a same roof.
Superficially, “old” and “new” living have little difference, but inner life could vary vastly while two independent hearts/soul are (not) truly connected together — after LE on either/both sides die away.
How did you and your SO got together? with or without LE?
I don’t think this thought has ever crossed my mind. At least in a way that I wanted to proactively do it. LO landed and ever since then she is burned into my psyche. I may not be even half as close to feeling as intense over her as I once did and sometimes I wonder what would I have done with all the wasted time I’ve spent ruminating over her, had she never shown up. Yet actually expelling her from my system is something I’ve never desired.
Desiring her sexually has often crossed my mind but never in a way that I wanted to conquer it and then be done with.
For me LO has been the ultimate Woman of my dreams. As in the ultimate colleague, best friend, lover and wife.
Too bad the whole event is nothing but the ultimate pipe dream.
“ For me LO has been the ultimate Woman of my dreams. As in the ultimate colleague, best friend, lover and wife”
You don’t know it yet, without interactions between you two in quantity and quality.
Sorry to point it out blandly.
Hence, the usage of the word pipe dream.
A pipe dream is an idea, hope, plan, or ambition that is impractical, unrealistic, and very unlikely or impossible to ever happen in real reality.
Common Examples
Merriam-Webster
PIPE DREAM Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster
Definition: An illusory or fantastic plan, hope, or story (synonyms: dream, illusion, daydream, fantasy, vision, castle in the air, castle in Spain).
Cambridge Dictionary
PIPE DREAM | definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary
Definition: A pipe dream is a countable noun referring to an idea, plan, or ambition that is impractical, impossible, or very unlikely to happen.
Then why do you wish to keep such a “pipe dream” in your reality that might affect you to enjoy other aspects of life?
I was saying that if you had some interactions with her, your dreamy, idealized views of her might not exist or largely diluted then dissipated, which would be ultimately healthy for you.
But your LC, time and space (emotional/mental) has been doing its work, despite that you didn’t want to get LO out of your system.
Pretty sure that would not get LO out of my system. If anything, it would intensify my perceived bond to him.
I’ve been fortunate or rather unfortunate enough in the past few weeks to have 2-3 hours of uninterrupted side by side time with him. The good feeling would last for awhile after that but then I’d go a solid week with no contact and that’s when the sadness and longing would hit again.
That type of opportunity would never present itself, thankfully. As much as my limerent brain would love to have the opportunity, I’m glad reality would make it impossible.
If you can’t change your current environment, then just EXPECT this sort of highs and lows week by week, like you’re taking some kind of avoidable working lunch’s. When you expect but not fight with them, the (re)occurrence would lose their power to viscerally affect you.
Eventually, you need to change the job or move away or get your SO to support you…
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In this current LE, sometimes one of us would push for more, but the other one would pump the brakes and say no. I guess the moral and religious training is just too strong with us to actually violate that boundary. Meanwhile there are people who seem to have no issue with it; I don’t understand them.
And I don’t understand how anyone could become limerent if they know nothing will happen. Then it would just feel like a useless game of push-pull with no point.
If you know Lucy will always pull the football away, don’t you stop trying to kick it?
To Marcia:
Well, we don’t have any control over it, do we?
If I had been more well-informed when the glimmer started, I might have been able to avoid it. However, I was clueless, especially since I haven’t dated since the 1980s and was not looking for a partner.
I just fell in head-first anyway. No logic needed.
Well that’s exactly what limerence is. Push-pull with the tiniest glimmer. You’re basically saying that you don’t understand limerence, which is fine, but not especially helpful on this forum. It’s like saying you don’t understand why water gets things wet.
You didn’t read what I wrote very carefully. Limerence thrives in uncertainty. If you know you’re never going to act on it (things are never going to cross the line physically) and you know the other person is never going to cross the line, where is the uncertainty?
It’s because barriers provide the uncertainty. When you want to bond with LO, but your existing commitments, ethical beliefs or social repercussions mean it goes against your principles.
The reality is that you *want* them incessantly, but your willpower stops you from acting in the final moment.
The uncertainty is about whether your willpower will hold.
“The uncertainty is about whether your willpower will hold.”
Yeah, but your willpower is irrelevant if the LO is a.) not interested (or interested enough) and/or b.) not going to do anything, either.
It’s all intention. Words/flirtation … I’m sorry but kind of cheap and meaningless. People say a lot of things.
The likelihood that anything will happen is a real long shot. It could, sure, but more than likely not.
To Marcia:
I agree with what you’re saying. I have never had any uncertainty about LO suddenly becoming straight and developing an interest in me.
However, the longing is still there. Thank goodness it has subsided somewhat.
That willpower that prevented me from taking action was always holding LO in “next level” magnificence. I told myself all the time she was completely out of my league and I started believing it.
I was so taken in and enamored by her breathtaking beauty, that any sentence my brain concocted, fell apart upon trying to approach her, wanting to spit the words out. It was like seeing a white board completely erased. My mind turned to mush. So looking at her like a deer in headlights probably made look like a total cad.
Sex, of course, is not the only “thing” that can happen. 🙂 Other things can make up for the absence of it in a limerent situation.
Thank God I can’t agree with you more…
Norma:
“However, the longing is still there. ”
I think you need to ask yourself what you’re longing for. Because your LO cannot provide it for you.
For single limerents … from what I’ve read on here and from what I’ve experienced … I’d say they long for a romantic relationship and don’t have one and/or they long for close relationships/someone to care for them (and don’t have enough of those in their lives). There’s also usually some level of avoidance.
Serial:
“Other things can make up for the absence of it in a limerent situation.”
Not for me.
It’s the dating equivalent of some guy who wants to text all the time but never asks you out.
🎩 🦎,
Look at the positive side of your LE coin — your prose of lamenting your “goddess” LO, has gone to the Next Level!
If I can ever read through your 1st marathon post about (you linked once?) I’ll be Saint Mary myself!
You’re in LE with your own imagination of LO, having nothing to do with who she is! It’s the worst kind of LE.
To Marcia:
You may recall that we talked about this before, and you made such a brilliant comment that I tried to give you the Norma Desmond Rocket Scientist Limmy Award.
You said something about being back in high school and feeling exultant that The Cool Kid was talking to me. LO definitely WAS the cool kid in high school–Class President, brilliant, gorgeous, the whole nine yards. I was a colorless nobody.
I somehow feel enhanced by being around him. If he gives me his approval, does that make me a Cool Kid?
No. 🙂
I’d say you also need to go out and make some new friends. I am very, very aware how difficult that is to do as an adult. But you can’t rely on him to provide much of anything emotionally or support-wise. Now, if you want someone to go to coffee with and chat with, ok. But you can’t expect more than that.
My best guess is that you’re missing having more close friendships/relationships and projecting onto him.
Easier said than done. It is not rational, it is an emotional inner power that controls your action.
To ❄️
„ You’re in LE with your own imagination of LO, having nothing to do with who he is! It’s the worst kind of LE.“
I can so relate to this! My imagination seems to be my biggest enemy
Laboba,
One can use rational and logical mind (even weak during LE) and realistic needs/duties (your own living and your daughter) to divert emotional pull, while not let the external dark force keep feeding your unwanted imagination.
We’ve gone through your situation many times, there is little uncertainty in your case, it’s definitively futile! But you still haven’t taken the decisive step to block your LO’s approach. So, you’re stuck and will continue so.
We can sympathize/empathize your pains here, but it’s only you who suffers the head/heartache in your reality; and it’s also only you who could remove the source and gradually heal from it.
The best luck!
I find it interesting that happily married people would ever become limerent. In my case, the love died out years ago (and maybe I don’t understand classic love and maybe it was never there) but SO doesn’t believe in divorce and I shouldn’t, too.
This current LE has me questioning a lot in my life. Obviously, the LE is a symptom of deeper issues that I have yet to figure out and address.
My poor LO is probably clueless of my interest in him. He’s married too and even if he did reciprocate, would it make sense to blow up both of our lives?
Now, my goal is to just get so bored with this LE, that I never want to visit it again.
The deeper problems will need time to reveal themselves and heal.
Give me another week and I’m sure my opinion will change. My emotions are all over the place. Week by week and hour by hour.
Yeah, my SO has control and anger issues, explaining my serial limerence, while my LO keeps telling people he’s happily married. He’s still limerent for me, though trying to keep things under more control now. If he had ever shown signs of, say, a dead bedroom or some other thing that would explain his side of the LE, I may have acted differently. But I kept saying no to his worst impulses because I didn’t want to screw up his life.
Thank God I can’t agree with you more…
Posted in the wrong place.