Following on from last week’s coffeehouse, where I asked for feedback on what to prioritise in the coming months here at living with limerence, this is another quick post, just to set out my thoughts.
Thanks to all those who contributed, and sorry that I haven’t been answering much in the comments thread (see point 2 below for more info). I do appreciate all the feedback, and did read all the comments.
So, with that out of the way, let set out the roadmap.
1. Workshops
The emergency deprogramming course is a comprehensive system for getting out of a specific limerent episode. I’m super proud of it, as it is designed to lead people from a state of limerent agony to a purposeful future, free of that distress.
But, sometimes people don’t need all that.
They just have an immediate problem they need quick help with, and some practical tips on how to manage the worst symptoms of limerence.
So, I’m going to trial some low-cost workshops that deal with specific limerence problems.
First up, is going to be intrusive thoughts.
I’ve been going down a rabbit hole of academic literature on obsessive thoughts and behavioural addiction lately, and it’s really interesting.
Lots of jargon inevitably – verbal perseveration, imaginal prefiguration, desire thinking, metacognitive beliefs, elaborated intrusion theory, and so on – but it really is highly applicable to the thought loops of limerence.
Depending on how successful that workshop is, I’ll think about future topics that could be useful. And, as ever, feel free to make suggestions in the comments below.
2. Case studies
I’ve always just run LwL on an ad hoc basis, and have an open comment box for people to get in touch.
That worked well when it was a blog with a few hundred readers, but nowadays, I have to be honest, I’m swamped.
I’ve spread myself so thin over the blog, the YouTube comments section, and the partners community, that I just can’t answer many of the people who get in touch, and that makes me feel crappy.
So, a solution I’m going to trial to deal with the problem of email overload is to have an explicit contact box just for people who are seeking help with their situation, who are willing to be “case studies” for the blog and YouTube channel.
That way, they get free help, I get to answer common questions in an evergreen way, and everybody learns something (hopefully).
Obviously, I will still respect anonymity and blur some details for identifiability so people don’t have to reveal too much about themselves, but this seems like a sensible strategy for managing the large number of limerents who reach out for help but are currently getting a very unreliable response from me.
3. Community
For a couple of years I ran a private community on the site. It was popular, but as with the issue of too much correspondence, it rapidly became too much content to moderate as a “solopreneur”.
There were a few understandable comments in the last coffeehouse about how great it would be to have an edit button, how hard it can be to find commenters’ contributions on the site, and the fear of publicly revealing real names or other sensitive information.
Unfortunately, those issues stem from the fact that the site runs on wordpress, which is a blogging platform not a community platform. I don’t have the IT skills needed to implement those features, as it would mean tinkering with the basic operation of the software.
The obvious solution is what we’ve done for the partners’ community – have a dedicated site that people pay to join, so I can afford to commit the time and energy needed to make it work.
That is a possibility.
Certainly, what’s missing from the current emergency deprogramming course is social accountability, social support, and individual feedback on a limerent’s specific circumstances.
Now, many of my students don’t want those features – they want something they can do quietly on their own, with maximal privacy, and minimal risk of discovery.
That’s fine – it’s what I would have wanted when I was limerent, and it would still be available.
But a better option would be for each to choose what they wanted:
Do it yourself, do it with community support, or do it with personal 1:1 coaching.
Those could be “tiers” of engagement in a future, revivified deprogramming system.
So, that’s the current plan, in the current order that I’ll be implementing things.
I’m open-minded about what will happen. I’ve always approached the site from the perspective of an experimental scientist. Test something, see what happens, respond accordingly.
That’s what I’ll keep doing.
And, finally, I know many of the regulars here aren’t looking for focused “recovery” material, so much as enjoying the camaraderie of chatting with friends and limerence veterans.
That’ll still be here in the coffeehouse, of course.
But it feels good to have a bit more clarity on the direction of travel for the whole LwL enterprise.
Sounds ambitious, DrL!
You’ve come a long way since the early blogs!
I’d love to be part of the operation but my involvement with LwL would cause problems that I don’t need.
Best of luck!
Thanks L.E.
Good to hear from an O.G. commenter 😉
Hope all well with you.
Hello LE
I am curious about what you mean when you say that your involvement would cause problems that you don’t need. The information I have received from this website has been immensely helpful to me but I often wonder if at this stage (four years since the onset of my one and only LE and three years with NC) I am inhibiting my recovery instead of furthering it by returning here. Is this what you mean or something else?
LwL is wonderful and it helped me immensely. I’m one of DrL’s biggest fans.
Limerence caused problems in my marriage. Those problems have largely been taken care of.
I think spending time working for LwL would bring up issues that are best left undisturbed.
Thank you, LE.
My LE was extremely disruptive to my marriage, though it forced some changes that have been positive, and I actually feel closer to my husband now than ever. My limerence has greatly dissipated but I would not say I’m fully recovered and I hate how much I still do think about my LO, largely out of habit. I visit LWL thinking that one day I will read the post that magically cures me, but I also fear that visiting the site may be another habit, one that perpetuates the thinking about LO. I understand why you would not want to spend more time here.
“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.
Our creative/active thinking or reactive/passive thoughts, and consequential actions/reactions determine our life quality. All Tangible materials are basic means for us to survive — not enough to thrive.
“My glass is half full” vs. “My glass is half empty” sets apart optimism and pessimism; it takes persistent practices to beneficially, lastingly color one’s mind.
👩🦰 🏃♂️,
I have a similar question: you’re the longest recovered Limmy, why can’t you help with DrL’s operation? What problems could possibly affect your settled, retired life?
I just strolled into an open all women band rock concert. on a pier, with real soothing breeze massaging face… some young, old, kids are gently rocking along… 77 F .
https://imgur.com/a/24Elgf9
The life here and now is just beautiful….
Dear DrL,
I am a new reader of the blog and am willing to be a case study. I recently finished your book “Smitten” (suggested by a BBC article) – thank you from the bottom of my heart, now I fully understand the phenomenon I have been living with for some time.
This is my story. I am a married mid-lifer with two little children. A couple of years ago, I started a new job, and, after a while, I became limerent for a colleague. I had never experienced something like that in my life. At that time, I did not know anything about limerence, nevertheless I decided by myself to limit contact. It gave me some relief for few months, then I relaxed my measures as I was convinced that I could have contact with her without being so emotionally invested. I went back to square one. Four months ago, she went into maternity and I haven’t seen her since then – de facto NC.
Where am I now? I think about the overall LE every day. What bothers me the most is the feeling of frustration (sometimes rage) against myself to have let myself slip into this mess. I still have fantasies and memories, but I counteract them with the tactics described in “Smitten” obtaining a decent success. At this point, there are three questions I would like to ask you and the LwL community:
1) How can I manage my frustration?
2) Am I going to relapse once the LO is back from maternity?
3) When is the LE going to end?
Thanks for reading my reply.
Hello D
I’ll try to keep it short and simple.
1. You manage the frustration by acknowledging it and trying not to beat yourself up over it. Focus on your family and the blessings you have been given. To me it sounds like this LE has not consumed you to a degree of great distress. Being that you were in control of your emotions and limited your contact. This is a good first step.
2. Whether or not you relapse upon her return depends on you. You are in control of your own emotions. If you limit your contact, there is risk if you start letting those glimmery feelings take root again, causing more frustration. Better to remain strict NC if you feel you cannot handle being around her without letting feelings disrupt things.
3. Based on my own LE and many others the standard time is usually around 18 months or so. Like you I am a mid-lifer but I am not married and neither is my colleague LO, almost half my age. The worst of my LE was mainly my own fault because I was in a depressive funk for almost an entire year, due to things never working out between us. My story is all over this forum.
Of course everybody’s LE is different. Some are intense and some are weak. If I have one main regret, its never getting to actually know my LO so I could at least get to learn about the person I was working with. In my LE, I dwelled a lot in fantasy and rumination which was never healthy. I allowed all of that to fester and then I became depressed over what never was. It’s silly, but external life events, no matter how much or how little you think they matter, have an effect on what degree your LE will do to you mentally.
D,
What do you think of Dr. L’s suggestion to disclose to your spouse?
I’m also very curious if any other limerents have done that & would share how that went, and if the end of the secrecy helped at all. I know from past comments that there have been a few of you…