I recently spoke to Gabriela Houston on her podcast, the Gabriela Houston Project, all about limerence.
Aside from learning that I need a new webcam set up, the discussion also raised some really interesting questions about aspects of limerence that I hadn’t much considered.
In particular, towards the end of the discussion, Gabriela asked about the impact of modern dating habits on the development of limerence.
It was a really interesting question, and I’ve reflected on the issues a bit more since the chat.
Jaded dating
The point that Gabriela made was about how the commodification of dating has led to people becoming jaded about the whole experience of trying to find love.
She pointed out that the sheer volume of matches, the opportunity to be choosy, to seek novelty, and to never be quite satisfied enough with any real person (because there is always another to choose from) would make people jaded.
She asked how this affects limerence, and I think it’s a great question.
In the podcast, I raised the point that this experience of dating apps is not the same for men and women, but I think that needs more elaboration.
Women’s complaints
If you read the op eds and magazine articles about women’s concerns with dating apps, the complaints tend to focus on the volume of low-quality matches and low-effort approaches that women receive.
The experience seems to be that men will typically match indiscriminately with a wide range of women, and be up for a low stakes hook-up with anyone. Genuine emotional connection is a secondary issue.
So, women do get a lot of attention on average, giving them the opportunity to be choosy about who they want to date, but a lot of that attention is unwanted and disconcerting.
The second major complaint that women voice is that if they do connect on a date, the men are unwilling to commit to anything more serious than casual hook ups. This has led to an explosion of “situationships” where people are dating and having sex, but not developing the relationship into anything more serious.
In its worst manifestation, the casual disregard for feelings leads to “ghosting”, where the other person literally disappears and stops communicating altogether.
Men’s complaints
The “excessive volume of matches” problem is also experienced by some men, but it’s an elite minority. Some apps apparently even reward the subset of men who get a large number of matches by granting them a sort of “superuser” status that gives them a wider range for seeking matches and various financial perks.
These men will again be spoilt for choice, and able to indulge their desire for novelty – making them unlikely to commit given the temptation of a new match being a swipe away.
For the majority of men the experience of dating apps is wildly different. They swipe on lots of women, because they are attracted to a lot of women, thereby creating the volume problem. But they receive a very small number of matches.
Men’s typical complaint is that women have impossibly high standards and all chase the small number of high status men, who predictably go on to break their hearts by refusing to commit.
Even worse, some men report getting really excited about a wildcard match, only for the woman to, well, no way of putting this delicately, ask for money.
So, men become jaded because their experience is rejection by nearly all women, except the catfishing prostitutes who have enterprisingly found a market niche.
Worst tendencies
It’s not hard to see how this dynamic has led to people becoming disenchanted with dating apps. The platforms may have been developed with the intention of making finding potential dates more efficient and effective, but they ended up amplifying the worst tendencies of human mating behaviour.
The most active users (in every sense of the word) will be the most predatory – the high status men who are speedrunning through sexual conquests, and the prostitutes who are targeting low status men who are most desperate for a match.
Ordinary men and women are disproportionately likely to encounter these predators, become disillusioned and desensitized, and end up jaded.
What would the consequence of all this be for limerence?
A peacock’s tail
I’ve previously argued that limerence is like a peacock’s tail.
Limerence is such a profound infatuation that it overrides any consideration of “marketplace value” or mate competition – the limerent object is so overwhelmingly attractive that no one else can compete.
It’s like a peacock’s tail, because it is a display of such elaborate commitment of romantic resources that the LO can have no concerns about being cuckolded or ghosted. The limerent is telegraphing “I will willingly handicap myself with this gigantic infatuation that excludes everyone else”.
Limerence wrecks game theory calculations about mate selection, because the LO’s value has been raised to infinity. Neither prince nor supermodel could turn the limerent’s head. Status has no real meaning while in the grip of the limerence obsession.
To get to that stage, though, the limerent has to go through the early stages of sensing the glimmer, getting to know their LO, and feeling the escalating excitement of limerent desire. Given that dating apps operate as a marketplace, matches will be chosen from pictures before any of that can happen.
There will be pre-selection of candidates before any limerent reactions begin.
That could be a good or bad thing. If you consistently feel the glimmer for people who are bad for you, then pre-selection for desirable traits before dating will be protective – even if it also means that you will likely feel the glimmer less often.
Conversely, pre-selection removes the chance of a happy accident – meeting someone who you might not have picked on the basis of a photo and brief bio, but who kindles the glimmer based on all the other triggers of personality, mannerisms, scent, sense of humour, etc.
Basically, the apps introduce a biasing system into the early stages of dating that interfere with the likelihood that you even get to find out if the glimmer was going to set in.
Desensitization
Finally, a grimmer prospect is that exposure to, shall we say, the psychopathic elements of the dating app community will result in limerents naturally or deliberately desensitizing themselves against the glimmer.
Enough bad experiences of unrequited limerence, situationships that involve limerence limbo, and ghosting by people you’ve tried to bond with would put off anyone.
Limerents may respond to this either by learning to avoid the apps, or by developing emotional calluses to protect themselves from pain.
I’m reminded of this case study on how developing inconvenient feelings disrupted a polyamorous limerent’s life, and how the LO she became infatuated with had “specifically grown his comfort towards [casual sex] over the years” as a lifestyle choice.
I wonder how many limerents have tried to deliberately desensitize themselves against limerence in order to compete more effectively in the culture of dating apps.
And I wonder how many of them succeeded, versus how many struggled in vain, unable to suppress their predisposition to crave a special, monogamous pair bond.
Reading this was overwhelming. All I can say is that I am glad that I got married before “dating apps” were a thing. Back in the Stone Age, when I was in the marketplace, they had newspaper ads, which is how I met my long-term ex-husband. Even THAT seemed exotic at the time.
I am glad I am not in the market anymore. It all sounds so terrifying.
Yeah, I met my husband long before these things existed. Even the Internet was a new thing back then.
Funny thing, though, is back then people would meet up in chat rooms or on BBS’s and then meet up without knowing yet what each other looked like, and see how they “fit.” You could have a whole relationship online and then meet up and have zero chemistry, lol. But even that seemed better than these apps, because you developed your flirtation more naturally like when you’d meet someone at school or work and hit it off. You’d interact with them and THEN develop a crush. Then meet and feel awkward, lol.
I met a bunch of people this way back then, both friends and potential dates. Sometimes it worked out and we stayed friends for a while or dated for a while. But I think the notable difference is you’d go into the chat rooms or on the BBS forums on purpose to talk about a particular subject that interested you. That automatically was something in common. It wasn’t about going into these places looking for somebody to bang. (Well, not for most people, anyway. There were some of those people occasionally, too, lol.)
I haven’t found myself experiencing limerence now that I am single. I feel like marriage was, sadly, the barrier that made these limerent episodes so horrible. Now that I am not married I don’t have that barrier, and probably why I haven’t experienced limerence again. I have been on some great dates and met some neat men. But never limerent for them. And even the current man that I met on eHarmony is excellent marriage potential — and yet, no limerence at all. Just regular attraction and normal feelings. Which is great because I can meet people and see them for who they are and not have limerence be the experience.
💙
I tried dating apps before and could not even get Glimmer, never did! The worse, I could not cultivate any glimmer if “qualities” of two sides seemed to be matching.
Deeply felt being commoditized, I swore never to get on any dating app again, which has not been broken for over a decade and will not be until my death.
After coming to LwL, I’m convinced I’d be a limerent from birth to eternity— a 🐦🔥 never dies…
I found my LO on a dating app. Never have seen him, he do not want to meet me. Over one year of infatuation, grieve and pain now, the so called emotional rollercoaster. Wish I had never answered him that day. It has hurt so much, struggling every day. But finally it is getting a bit better now..
May I ask for some clarification? You met your LO on a dating app, and all of your communications have been via text message, you have never met in person?
Yes, we have never met in person. Just a lot of photographies which he sent via messenger, some phone calls and sometimes videochat but on an erotic or sexual basis..
Having limerence is a sign of attachment issues. And modern dating is all about being unattachable. I once had a LO who I found out was into sugar dating. The thought that she out with crusty old men who gave her money. Or how being attractive required me being richer than those men. Etc, etc. It took its tool and ruined me and my career. Knowing my proclivities towards having jealous imaginings, I avoid all these. Out of sight, out of mind. You won’t go nuts over what you have no knowledge of.
I’ve never tried to desensitise myself against limerence in order to compete more successfully on the dating market. I HAVE tried to desensitise myself against limerence in order to bring down my overall emotional pain levels. Desensitising myself against limerence has always been about making myself more comfortable.
I tried online dating while I was still heavily limerent for my LO – partly as a distraction and partly as a way to gain life experience.
Things didn’t go very well. I actually only ever met people who seemed to be non-limerent, and thus they had very different expectations of how a relationship is supposed to develop. As a limerent, I brought all this emotional intensity to the table, which the other people never did. As a limerent, I also brought all this “unconditional love in advance” to the table, which the other people never did. My emotional intensity was tolerated, but it was mostly seen as humour. My prospective romantic partners have spent the last twenty years laughing at me. Oh well. I’m glad somebody is having a good time… 😲🤔
The topic of my LO came up one time. A date wanted to know what happened to him. I answered that he was “in another life”. My date thought I meant my LO had died and been reincarnated as a rhinoceros beetle. But I didn’t mean that – I meant my LO was in another life in that he was in an exclusive relationship with someone else, and my brain still hadn’t processed that on an emotional level. Intellectually, I have always been able to accept LO was unattainable: a fantasy. Emotionally, until recently, he remained a painful haunting presence.
I think the “peacock’s tail” effect of limerence is both really sweet and really sad, depending on how one looks at it…
I’m thinking about the girl who was limerent for me in high school – I’m not sure whether she was in pre-limerence or actual limerence. (I.e. I don’t know if her infatuation ever progressed to addiction, but she definitely showed signs of pre-limerence, as per Doctor Becky Spelman’s explanation of pre-limerence).
This girl has now been married to her current husband for twenty years. It’s really fascinating – even after twenty years of marriage, she still idealises her husband just a little bit. She’s still got him on a pedestal, based on the things she writes about him and the things she says about their marriage. She was/is an extrovert, so I never really thought of her as being idealistic. I always thought of her as “silly” and “frivolous” and **cough, cough** “superficial”. But she’s both intense and idealistic despite her outgoing nature. She’s definitely a member of “Tribe Limerence” and she is utterly devoted to her spouse. She LIVES for him.
Even if I were heterosexual, though, I don’t think I would have said yes to a relationship with this girl. As a limerent, she obviously was always going to make some man an amazing wife, but back when I knew her, I felt like she was blind to who I really was. She couldn’t see me and she didn’t really want to see me.
Let me explain. I’m an imperfect person. I have no desire to be anything other than an imperfect person. My whole life people have seen me as “too good to be true”. I’ve reached a point in my life (and in my emotional maturation) where I just can’t play that part anymore. I understand the unhealthy side of perfectionism. I’m tired to being “better” than other people. I’m increasingly happy just being on the same level as other people. Moral superiority, even when earned, comes at a terrible cost. It’s very hard to feel love for one’s so-called inferiors. But life is all about connecting with other people, and not the reverse.
I have a theory. Okay, okay. I have a nearly-inexhaustible supplies of theories. But let me share this one particular theory – I believe strong desire can inhibit empathy. I think desire temporarily shuts down the empathy part of the brain.
Let’s explore the real-life implications of this theory. Individuals who experience limerence may be some of the kindest and most naturally warm and empathic people in the world. However, when the addictive part of infatuation kicks in, all that kindness and empathy can sometimes go out the window (except where LO is concerned). I know I was preoccupied with myself when I was lovesick. On some level, I really did feel like the world revolved around me and my big, big, BIG problem. And I really did want LO to get reincarnated a rhinoceros beetle. 😁
„ I believe strong desire can inhibit empathy. I think desire temporarily shuts down the empathy part of the brain.“
Spot on, Sammy. When limerent, I had difficulties to get over my desire for the other to reciprocate, validate etc and see their side of things, to see them neutrally and not always in connection with my limerent needs. It was all „I want, I need, I‘m hurt.“ Ok, not all the time, but in the worst phase.
It says all —
https://livingwithlimerence.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/dreamstime_xs_342721965.jpg
Without shrinking the swollenness, one can’t see, hear, smell, taste, and sense anything else inside and around them… 😍😵💫💫
“Limerence wrecks game theory calculations about mate selection, because the LO’s value has been raised to infinity. Neither prince nor supermodel could turn the limerent’s head. Status has no real meaning while in the grip of the limerence obsession.”
This quote hits home for me. Limerence wrecks your ability to explore other romantic options
The quote has manifested accurately in every single crush I had since teenager, even 1️⃣ or 2️⃣ crushers were plainly common (subjectively & objectively).
The worse is, when you clearly know a L🅾️ is a very wrong match for you and would definitely wreck your “old/normal/happy” life, your 💬&💓 is still 🪝 to L🅾️. Our DNA drive is 🦮 (blindly driving) our LE infected neural 🧠, so 🙁 😠!
In dating apps, everything is around status and looks — deadly 🥱!