Note: This post is a reprint of a recent newsletter which is the start of a new series on purposeful living. If you’d like to sign up to get my newsletter, join below!
The best cure for limerence is purposeful living.
That’s the philosophical foundation for recovery at LwL, but the benefits go well beyond just dealing with a limerence emergency. Purposeful living is an approach to life that fixes a lot of problems before they even start.
That’s quite a claim, so it needs some justification. An obvious starting point is what does “purposeful living” even mean?
What is purposeful living?
Finding life’s purpose has been a preoccupation of philosophers since the dawn of philosophers. There seems to be near universal agreement that a good life involves a search for meaning and purpose in the things you do, beyond simple self-gratification and pleasure seeking.
Even strikingly different philosophical traditions agree on this principle: its easy to recognise common ideas in the works of Aristotle and Confucius despite them being widely separated in geography, culture and time.
For me, the most interesting aspect of these philosophical ruminations lies in the different meanings of the word “purpose”.
In my edition of the Oxford English Dictionary three definitions are listed:
- An object to be attained; a thing intended
- The intention to act
- Resolution, determination
The first meaning relates to a purpose as a goal, the other two are about human actions.
The philosophers seem to diverge on these two meanings as well. Some see purpose as a specific goal that gives direction and coherence to life – like becoming a doctor to save lives, or a politician to solve societal problems.
This is purpose as a life mission, a calling.
Each of us must tend to the task for which his nature is best fitted.
Plato
Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone’s task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.
Viktor Frankl
Other philosophers are wary of seeking meaning in a specific vocation, and see being purposeful as the primary goal of a good life. Their focus is on the actions that we take along the way, rather than on reaching a specific destination
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit… The good of man is the active exercise of his soul’s faculties in conformity with excellence or virtue, over a complete life.
Aristotle
As long as you live, keep learning how to live.
Seneca
Of course, ideally, for life to reach its peak of happiness and fulfillment, we would achieve all meanings of purpose at the same time.
You ask what I seek from philosophy? To live every day with purpose, and in doing so, to find the task that nature has set for me… By striving well, I learn what I am fitted to achieve.
Seneca
By living with purpose you will begin to realise what you are suited to do, what tasks call to you, and what ideas and projects excite you. You can then use that new knowledge about yourself to pursue specific goals.
This, for me, is the essence of purposeful living. It’s living in a way that is intentional, conscious, determined. It means making decisions on the basis of what would improve your life – getting closer to the vision that you are creating about how you would like your life to be.
Being purposeful is the best way to find a purpose.
Why is it useful?
Philosophy often veers off into abstract notions of ideals and principles and maxims that seem far removed from the realities of everyday life. To be useful, purposeful living must provide concrete benefits.
Obviously, making life better is a benefit, but the reason purposeful living succeeds is that it helps you transcend the inbuilt instincts that control so much of our behaviour.
Despite their sophistication, our brains are not that good at complex decision making. I mean, compared to the average cat we’re masterful, but complex reasoning is demanding, slow and energetically costly.
Daniel Kahneman summed this up well in his book “Thinking, fast and slow”. The usual operational mode of the brain is automatic, low effort, and involuntary. Autopilot mode. The higher level mode is effortful and mentally taxing, and it’s only really engaged when the autopilot encounters problems that need a solution. This broadly maps onto the neuroscience of subcortical drives and instincts being overseen by an executive cortex that can modify decision making.
It’s a reality of human life that most of the time we run on autopilot. That means it is very important to know how our autopilot has been programmed.
Limerence is a great example of how our instincts are programmed to seek pleasure not happiness. It’s a supremely powerful drive to form a pair bond, and so anyone without a sense of purpose will instinctively follow the yearning even if the limerent object isn’t a good match. We learn that being with a limerent object makes us feel exhilarated – euphoric, even – and so we seek that feeling of reward. Unfortunately, that autopilot response operates even if they are married, mean, unreliable, unfaithful or bad for you in any of the many other ways that they might be.
Your subcortical drive is seeking the pleasure of limerent euphoria, and that drive can turn into an addiction that lasts even after the euphoria has long since faded away. You can stay fixated on a LO even if they make you unhappy.
In contrast, happiness comes from living in a harmonious state where your relationships, health and security are all good. But, that’s a high level concept that needs the executive brain to do some work. Your autopilot can’t learn where happiness comes from nearly as easily as it learns what gives your limbic system a squirt of bliss.
Purposeful living is a long-term strategy for reprogramming your autopilot to put happiness before pleasure.
How can you start?
It’s easy enough to persuade yourself that you would like your life to be better. Not exactly a hard sell. But, the obvious first concern is how to achieve it. How can someone start to live with purpose?
Well, a great starting point is to work on self-awareness. Start to monitor how your autopilot is performing. Don’t make any judgements or rationalisations, just observe.
- Hmm, I start every day by reaching for my phone.
- I often choose junk food for lunch because I just want something that I like.
- I’m irritated by John because he always seems so upbeat and I think he’s a fake.
- I feel better when I take a walk in the park.
This sort of second-level thinking raises your awareness about where your drives are pushing you. You start to spot the patterns of how your feelings bias you towards easy choices – often those that provide comfort and gratification.
It’s surprising how powerful it is to just dispassionately observe your own behaviour. Again, I’d encourage you not to start on recriminations or excuse making – don’t start telling yourself a story about how you have to check your phone for work, or that you are pathetic and weak because you know you should have a salad, but you’ve always lacked willpower.
Just observe. Just gather information. Get to know yourself. Find out how you really feel about things.
You’ve got to know where you are starting from before you can productively start examining your beliefs about yourself and about how life could be.
That foundation needs to be in place before you begin the next phase of purposeful living, where you start to experiment with new ideas, new experiences, new directions.
We’ll cover that in the next installment.
I have found ’Living in the Now’ by Eckhart Tolle a good start to nudge the initiation of the journey towards new awareness and understanding. It is so simple to just keep on paddling by autopilot, and divide the year into….holidays, yay fun and little to no rules or goals…and ’stuff we need to put up with and suffer/endure, get through’ to eventually ’arrive’ at the holidays. A very black and white description of a calendar year of Life.
Not facing the big questions, not living either. Travelling and spending time ’in between’ … stations.
Or…another take; let’s get very annoyed by the stories in the news.
Or, let’s cackle a lot over how stupid people are and that the world suddenly is populated by tonnes of idiots.
None of these approaches address issues that are in my/our control, none of these approaches helps me/us thrive, makes me / us happy or otherwise contribute to personal growth, learning, and the goal of finding satisfaction and tranquility. Travelling isn’t achieving goals, and isn’t happiness.
Note….important…people aren’t idiots.
Nothing is gained by dividing the world into ’idiots’ and those I can tolerate that ’aren’t idiots. But I can spend time and energy, mulling over it. Over and over. Who is wrong, who hurt me, what did they mean by this……who are they to disparage me, show respect…and so on. Questions and conviction churning in many minds. Idiots…and agonising over stuff not in my control.
Purposeful living, how does that fit into this?
Well Dr L, it has taken me a while to ponder and develop, not an understanding, more of a ’take’ on those words and their meaning. And translate it further into….’what can I do and what is in my control’?
Noting yet again….this is so much of a journey, an individual path, a reckoning and …. Honesty paired with pain to dare that look in the mirror.
Yes, individual responsibility, honesty, ownership, and true emotional connection. Realising, we are all on our journey and that ’our’ world is likely much smaller that we know … but with bigger possibilities than we can know.
I do heaps of stuff every day, and feel driven to do them and do well executing tasks, surely that is the same as having a purpose?
You see the conundrum? And the need for the journey, and the questions.
I have listened quite a lot to Dr Jordan Petersen on YouTube, and the importance and promise read into a gaze, eye contact, human connection, and what it means. There is something there. About our value, our desire for human connection and our own self esteem. Perhaps the purposeful living is about self esteem and confidence too. But at the root of it, how are we wired as humans…granted, for connection, and for validation and feeling valued and ’seen’. Limerence pops up as a ’speed date’ to get what we need.
I look forward to the next installment.
@CamillaGeorge.
So the lady not only observes? She also speaks… 🤣
Hi there, CG. Enjoyed reading that little meditation of yours.
Yes, it’s very dangerous to divide the world into “idiots” and “non-idiots”. I think what lies underneath such thinking, however, is that one doesn’t feel especially appreciated. The drive to judge others harshly is often really nothing more than a totally healthy desire (within oneself) for appreciation that’s been frustrated. 🙂
Something that has helped me with limerence in just the last two years perhaps is embracing all the love that comes into my life, even if said love doesn’t come packaged in desired “limerent form”. I think, when I was younger and very limerent, I only wanted love if it came in the form of limerence. (I was very unlucky. Couldn’t find a single darn soul to be limerent over me!). Now that I am older, I don’t put as many conditions on the love that comes my way. 😜
Long ago, before I even knew what limerence was, I tried to explain to my dad what limerence was. His response to me was “love is just love” and “there is only one kind of love”. So my father didn’t draw the distinction between limerence-love and love-love that Dorothy Tennov does. And this is despite my father saying that romantic love is “when one is with a person and notices no one else”. (Presumably how he felt in the early days of dating my mother?) So people can give a very confusing account of their own romantic feelings and experiences.
For anyone interested, Lucy Bain dropped another amazing article:
https://neurosparkle.com/never-get-high-off-people-1-the-necessary-attitude-to-overcome-limerence/
I agree with everything Lucy writes. Limerence is a behavioural addiction. The highs are drug-like and therefore not sustainable long-term. The lows aren’t just sadness or disappointment – the lows are actual withdrawals. Limerence can feel gross if we try way too hard to impress LO. (Ironically enough, I attempted to “dumb myself down”. Now, how many super-smart chicks have done that for a male date/partner, I wonder?). 🤣 In limerence, the limerent brain wants to “fuse” with LO and experiences withdrawals if LO doesn’t drop everything and enmesh physically/psychologically with limerent. LOs may be a perfect match for our nervous system – that’s the mysterious perceived connection, in reality.
Lucy’s article did get me thinking about the intersection between limerence and sexuality, though. It seems to me that if one takes limerence out of sexuality, sexuality becomes quite an uninteresting and insignificant thing. I mean, all the supposedly “thrilling” stuff about human sexuality (at least to my mind) is actually “limerence in disguise” e.g. dopamine hits, rumination, flirting, etc.
I like how Lucy says limerence initially lifts our mood far above what is normal. I imagine limerence lifts some people’s libidos far above normal too. It must be interesting for people to realise (ever so slowly) that their mood and/or libido are elevated far above baseline state. How to get back to baseline state? 😲😲😲
I read something funny in the comments section to YouTube channel FollowingFenna. Someone asked how to avoid future limerent episodes. Someone suggested pursuing healthy relationships (purposeful living?) as opposed to chasing “distant unobtainable dumpster fires rolling down a hill”. That made me laugh. Note to self: avoid dumpster fires rolling down hills. (Not sure if the dumpster fire is LO or the infatuation itself. Probably a little of both).
I see Dr. L’s video “Why Them?” scored 9300 views in 9 days, and 38 comments. These are very healthy numbers. His only video to score higher (to date) is the one called “What Makes Some People So Addictive?” And I suspect people were watching that for all the wrong reasons. (17000 views last time I checked). 🙄
Had an interesting day at the cafe today. Chef (a heterosexual man) whacks me on the back while walking past: “Hi, Sam!” After Chef disappears into the kitchen, the waitress (a heterosexual woman) gazes at me in sympathy and brings me over my coffee: “Ouch! Now here’s some real love for you. Not brutality!” 🤣😜
I know people here think I bang on a little too much about gender differences. (I do so because I think developing a healthy appreciation of gender differences is an essential part of the separation-individuation process for all human beings). I love this little scene from the cafe because it encapsulates for me the differences that exist between a stereotypical heterosexual man and a stereotypical heterosexual woman. I.e. the man is well-meaning and focused on work/efficiency, but maybe a little insensitive, and the woman is much more focused on nurturing and hence able to detect small changes going on in the social realm. “Man” makes messes and “Woman” cleans up messes. (No, I am only kidding – I’ve seen men ably clean up plenty of messes). 🤣🤣❤😊
Either way, I’ll take thumps on the back. And I’ll also take cups of coffee tenderly delivered to my table with a joke. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all love, love, love (of the non-limerent variety). And that’s what I’m down for these days. 😁
Also, I experienced something funny in a different cafe. One of the waitresses – a beautiful young woman I know slightly – was leaving. However, she was still talking to one of her girlfriends as she moved through the doorway. She almost bumped into me on the way out. (I was on my way in). I was very tempted to say something inappropriate to her: “Excuse me, Madam. Do you always make a habit of exiting buildings, derriere first?” But I came to my senses just in the nick of time, and good manners prevailed. I’m not Rhett Butler. And I don’t have the proclivities of Rhett Butler. Nor do I wish to be slapped with a lawsuit in the post #MeToo era. Some of my best jokes, alas, I have to keep to myself, out of respect for others. Here’s some charmingly-unsolicited-and-possibly-useless-but still-unfailingly-elegant) advice from a homosexual man – never forget, dear, that sacrifice too is part of purposeful living. 🙂
Thank you for always being gracious enough to appreciate my posts – yes, even the ones that veer into what some people might consider nauseatingly moral territory. Like most men who preach, I preach to myself first and foremost, and perhaps exclusively. It is my own soul that seeks redemption. I concern myself not with the souls of other mortals (except to offer them friendship). If someone asked me to “name the devil”, I would have to provide the same answer as a hugely-talented-yet-troubled (late) diva: “Ah! That would be me…” 🙂😇😁
I am partially “cured” of limerance that went on for almost a decade. A miracle has occurred in the way of losing a job, a house, friends and being near a nervous breakdown (unrelated to LO)
As a result of all that stress and more, LO became the least of my worries. Do I wish you all incredible stress that makes your hair go gray? Of course not. But let me tell you, it is what finally made me snap the fuck out from the delusion of unrequited lust.
Oh my God @Emilie
THIS!!!! ☝️
Thank you for sharing. This is a gorgeous piece of writing. I am happy for you. I can’t say I’m sorry all this happened to you, because it sounds….like you are fine. And you are where you want to be, truly. Thank you for the inspiration, today. Fuel in the tank as I pick thru the wreckage over here ♥️
csc
What excellent and perfectly conveyed thoughts! …Will there be more of this wisdom in the book? Sign me up for a pre-order right now if so.