Today’s post is a bit out of the ordinary. My wife offered to write a guest post following my “deanonymising” moment, and here it is.
(She’s allowed me to add some pictures)
Hi everyone! Teika here, Tom’s wife. Lovely to meet you all! I’ve been reading the blog since its very humble beginnings (as well as the numerous interesting and kind comments Tom’s posts have received) so it’s rather wonderful to be able to contribute a post of my own.
So, a bit about me. Unsurprisingly, I have lots in common with my husband. We both have a background in science, though I specialized in Chemistry rather than Neuroscience at university. (Clearly, Chemistry is the far superior science… 😉 )
We’re both introverts, cat lovers and writers, though I mostly write fiction rather than non-fiction since I prefer to “show through storytelling”. Indeed, that’s probably where Tom and I differ most. A highly intuitive and spiritual person – I’m a Christian – I like to feel my way through a problem whereas Tom likes to “logic” things out.
I’m a limerent too and have experienced the glimmer – and limerence – many times throughout my life. Thankfully, and in no small part due to my husband’s in-depth exploration of the topic, I now have a good understanding of what this limerence business is all about, and I am genuinely in awe of what Tom’s created as a result of this blog (a freelance editor myself, I’ve been helping him to edit Smitten and I can honestly say it’s brilliant). Most of all, the blog highlights the amazing power of community and the value of empathetic people supporting each other through the turmoil that is limerence-turned-person addiction.
But back to me… 😉
In a review of my debut speculative short story collection Umbilical (published by NewCon Press) in the genre magazine Parsec, the reviewer stated that my “…literature deals largely with the themes of love, sex and death.”
As I said at the launch of my collection: Well, what else is there to write about?!
Motherhood is a key theme of the collection too but, equally, many of the characters in my stories experience romantic love. Some of them are at a point in their relationships where their early limerence has happily transitioned into affectional bonding, while others are struggling with the shift, suddenly tempted by the excitement of embarking on an affair.
One very short story deals with the agony of unrequited limerence and I thought it worth sharing below because, hopefully, some readers may appreciate my “showing” of the pain of unrequited limerence and how to start to go about dealing with it in (as Tom would say) a purposeful manner.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my story 🙂
A Survival Guide for the Contemporary Princess
Like many girls, you dream of marrying a handsome prince. But princes are thin on the ground in Alabama. So as soon as you scrape together enough cash, you leave your drunk of a father and head north-east, never once looking back at the trailer park which has been your home for almost sixteen years.
You find yourself a job, cleaning up after rich people. Yet it’s only after the third week of washing blood-stained shirts that you make the connection between your employer’s Italian surname and their particular brand of family business. So when the boss’s son takes an interest in you he’s difficult to refuse. Besides, he is a prince. Of sorts. And it sure is nicer to be treated like royalty than the help.
But then there’s an almighty shoot-’em-up between the rival families, and your prince shoots dead two innocent bystanders. Kids. The police can’t ignore that. They ask you questions, and they know that with your cooperation they can get him put behind bars. “Testify,” they say. “We’ll give you protection, a new identity. Justice needs to be done.”
You want to say yes, but you’re scared. So they sweeten the deal by offering to throw in one of the new AI companions. He’ll be your round-the-clock protector, capable of overwhelming anyone who tries to hurt you. And he’s fully functioning, “In a number of physical capabilities, if you get my drift,” says the cop. He also happens to be gorgeous. You say yes.
You never figure out how a being of metal and plastic and whatever his wonderful, soft skin is made of can be so beautiful. But you know your heart aches for him. You get one precious year with him as you build a life for yourself in Seattle, a place where it never stops raining. But then the cops want him back. You beg to keep him, say you wouldn’t feel safe without him. They let you have him for another six months.
You know he cares nothing for you. That after you’ve made love to him he doesn’t sleep. That he simply closes his eyes and goes into standby mode while you listen to the rain and dream of an impossible future in which the love you feel for him is reflected in his eyes. You know he’s like a drug, and that you’re addicted to him. What will you do when he leaves you?
An old woman at the diner at which you work says you’ll manage. “I seen it all before,” she says. “You’re sick with love. But, this love you think you’re feeling, it’s all in your head. You created it all on your own. Pour it into yourself, into your life, instead.”
You know she’s right, but you don’t know if you’ve got the courage to do what she says.
“You ever walked away from something real bad and never once looked back?” the old woman asks.
You nod. And then you smile.
You’ve got this. You think.
This is great! Lovely to meet you. I think a perspective of a limerent mother is an interesting one to explore. For me, this is the time when I have apparently been vulnerable. Lids are a bit older, often felt unseen and just carrying on with duties until I felt seen and then boom…unrequited limerence whilst married over here (phew in one sense, but also boo in another, as I go between feelings of relief and rejection).
Look forward to exploring your work and reading more.
Hi there, and thanks for your kind words. 🙂 I totally agree that motherhood is often a time when women can feel “unseen” because they’re so immersed in their caring and mothering roles. It can feel as though you’re giving endlessly to your children, so it makes sense that when someone does pay you attention – as a person and not simply a mother – it can feel amazing! Another one of my stories in UMBILICAL explores desire from the perspective of a group of middle-aged women (it’s called ‘Girls’ Night Out’) and this was my way of reflecting on this issue. Thanks again, and lovely to meet you too.
Kids*
Hi Taika ,
Thank you for coming out to meet with us, a rowdy group, but good hearted. A pleasure to meet you.
I appreciate your short story you shared, although short it’s very juicy.
Congratulations on your writing s. My favorite short stories writer is Gay de Maupassant.
Looking forward to hear more from you. We’re grateful for Tom and you and your efforts to maintain this group alive and kicking. You have a great husband who we admire and love also.
Have a pleasant week.
Sorry I misspelled your name. Is that your real name?
No worries – it happens a lot and I’m absolutely philosophical about it all! Yes, Teika is my real name. It means fairy tale in Latvian. (I’m half-Latvian.) I’m glad you appreciated my short story and thanks for letting me know who your favourite short story writer is. Can you recommend one of his short stories to me?
Great to finally meet you! We’ve heard a few things about you.
A chemist? To me, chemists are like accountants. Thank God that someone is willing to do them. I worked on nuclear reactors most of adult life and chemistry has remained a cognitive black hole for me since high school. My kids couldn’t understand how I could help them with calculus and physics but not chemistry. To me a mole is a small mammal or an inside spy and Avegadro’s Number holds no relevance for me. However, I can see the Angel of the Lord appearing at my deathbed and saying, “This is a go-no go for heaven. What is Avegadro’s Number? Include units and definition.”
As someone who lived outside Seattle for 23 years, I feel compelled to question some things in your allegory. 🙂
First, of all the places that the protagonist could go and you send her to Seattle? Don’t you like the woman? It doesn’t rain ALL the time, it’s simply gloomy most of the time. When it’s nice it’s gorgeous. When it’s not, the fog can be so thick that you can’t see across the street for 3 days. Interestingly, Seattle (47.6) is closer to Paris (48.9) in latitude than it is to London (51.5).
The Pacific Northwest also has the highest per capita rate of anti-depressant use in the US, at least according to one mental health professional I talked to.
So, maybe in retrospect, Seattle was an inspired choice.
If you ever want to see what Seattle was like in the 80s and early 90s, head over to YouTube and google “Almost Live.” It was a truly hilarious show that lampooned any Seattle stereotype you could imagine. Their “Worst Girlfriend In the World” series was inspired. The show was also interestingly polarizing. People either loved it or hated it.
Here’s one of my favorites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWGe2Xmp8h0
Hope to read more from you!
I live in the Seattle area and it’s true that it doesn’t rain all the time but I would go further and refute that it’s even gloomy. Moody maybe, but not gloomy. Moody is more flexible than gloomy as gloomy signifies depression but that’s not how I feel during even the darkest months. I do occasionally get frustrated going 25mph down off a plateau on my e-bike at 4:30 in the morning during a “pineapple express” as I make my way to work but otherwise I’m extremely grateful I live in such special place. Summers are actually very difficult for me. I’m sensitive to information about the impending “Great Unraveling”, “Great Simplification”, “meta/poly-crises” and although our summers are supposed to be warm and dry and occasionally smokey it doesn’t feel right to me. I feel safer in the clouds.
Hello Limerent Emeritus! I know you’ve been a great supporter of this site for a long time so it’s great to finally “meet you”. 🙂
Yep, the concept of a mole of particles is difficult to grasp, but for some reason I managed to grasp it (which was not always the case with some of the concepts in maths and physics). But I also happened to like the experiments we did in chemistry lessons. They always had a frisson of danger to them…!
Thanks for your views on Seattle – I’ll add that to my writerly notebook for possible future use. And the video looks fun!
Finally we get to meet you, too! 🙂 Good story–though I wouldn’t mind seeing it a lot longer. 🙂
Good to meet you too and thanks for reading my story. 🙂
Hello Teika.
It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your lovely story. Sometimes, fiction is a better way to reach people than non-fiction, so it’s good to see the Bellamy household has all the bases covered. 🙂
Your husband is an interesting man – I’m sure you get that a lot. 😆 He has really great taste in … pictures. (I can tell he’s the often-perplexed but utterly-devoted father of a young son from some of his picture choices). Oh, and he’s not a bad writer either. 😜
Honestly, the most interesting part of LwL for me hasn’t been learning about limerence, although learning about limerence has been great. The most interesting part of LwL for me has been interacting with other introverts…
Help! I can’t stand introverts! I’m being driven mad by a mob of freakishly intelligent fellow introverts! Where can I go to get away from all these introverts? They’re so darn perceptive and someone taught them how to spell correctly. 😁
Good to meet you Sammy and thanks for your kind words. Introverts really are the best! And the worst… Thankfully, as writers, both Tom and I get to spend a lot of time indoors and in our own heads – which is probably our most favourite place to be. Trouble is when we have to go outside and actually talk to people. The horror! The most surprising thing about this occasionally-venturing-outside business is that sometimes it’s actually enjoyable… 😉
Hi Teika,
lovely to meet you!! I love it how everyone pounces on the few words about Seattle and rain😂😂we limerents know how to distill the important stuff out of everything (only kidding).
Having just been to the UK and admired, but also was a bit put off at the unbelievable polite way of talking (with cold undertones if necessary), I’ll revel in the bluntness of my own country now by saying that although your story is very well written and surely resonates with a lot of limerents, it doesn’t speak to me myself. My problems with my LOs who were all human beings who cared about me, and with my limerence that wasn’t love that should be directed to myself, but on the contrary was a selfish thing that smothered real love (as I define it) I cannot really relate.
But maybe I just interpret it wrongly, not being a native speaker and also being in an absolutely biased state of mind, just having had to say goodbye to my last LO who‘s also my friend. I‘m certainly not in a sane, well-judging state of mind.
Story aside, I think you are a fantastic person to have lived through and accepted both your and your husband’s limerences. Thanks for writing here and be welcome any time ❤️!
Hi Mila, good to meet you and thanks for your comment and kind words. Yes, you’re right, politeness is a big thing in Britain, and if you’re not from the UK our way of communicating may seem rather cold or aloof. I’m curious to know where you’re from? (My parents came to the UK from Eastern Europe so I know they had to adjust to the British way of life and communication.) And with regards to my story – there’s no right or wrong way to interpret it. If it speaks to you, that’s great. If not, then that’s fine too. 🙂
Hi Teika,
I revealed too many recognizable things here already🙈
so I’m sorry, I don’t really want to write outright where I’m from, but I think everyone here guessed it already anyway, and if you look at the pattern of my bad English, you might easily guess it, I think🙈
I don’t think the way of communicating is cold or aloof generally, and I do appreciate the politeness.
I just think there’s an English (haven’t noticed it in Scotland or Ireland) way of saying „many thanks“ and other polite phrases in a way that you feel that underneath they don’t mean it at all, and then I like it better to spare me the phrases and just say the truth 😂😂it’s a bit like that for me in Japan too.
On the other hand I don’t enjoy the charmless rudeness of not a few of my fellow natives either!
It’s all a matter of what we are used to, I guess.
Anyway, thanks for being ok with me not really responding to the story🙏🏻I think everyone has such an individual take on limerence, it’s natural that one story doesnt’t reach all corners of all minds, but it’s still good to read it and be it only to think „no, that’s not what I experienced“ and thus making things a tad clearer for oneself.
Hi Teika,
Nice to meet you 🤝
It’s refreshing to hear another person who is a Christian who also struggles with limerence. For many years I thought it was a defect in my character or some kind of spiritual attack, dealing with these thoughts. Now that I know it’s neither, it’s nice to be able to work these things out in a different light. I have been telling all of my close friends and family members about this, for their education and accountability, and am am finding quite the positive support system. Knowing this about myself has helped me forgive myself and move forward.
Looking forward to more posts from you both! 💙
Hi LN, nice to meet you too. 🙂 And I’m glad to hear that you’ve found it refreshing to hear from a fellow Christian and that you’ve been able to get to a place where you accept that your limerence isn’t a defect in your character or a spiritual attack. I think it’s important to remember that God loves us just as we are. But of course, it’s still a challenge to become the best versions of ourselves. Indeed, it’s almost always a lifetime’s work! All the best with moving forward. God bless. X
Hello Teika,
Very nice to see your face here and online!
I can’t help to say that you and DrL look “alike” — (your auras, I guess), as if you were from the same family. I don’t know how to describe it, but you know what I mean…
When first bumped into LwL, I was looking for more information on this unknown “thingy” that made me suffer with unspeakable confusion and embarrassment. At first, I primarily read DrL’s blog articles; it was scary to get into any comments sections since I had rarely spoken much online previously. Growing up in my COO, I had/have a long-term “allergy” to any kind of group activities.
But just little over a year, I realized that this “ghost” land has become, to me personally, a writing-therapy room, a practicing camp for my dilettante Stoicism and Buddhism, a playground to interact with other suffering “ghosts” (really good without our faces), and even a training field for strengthen/growing my fantasized “wings” — I’m a red & black “bird” depending on a viewer’s standing point). While understanding more about limerence, I’ve also discovered much more about my Self, so unexpected! I am very grateful for LwL’s existence and DrL’s tremendous care for us, and only wished that I could have found it 7 years ago when my latest LE first hit me….
Your allegorical LE story has chilled my bones through! I can imagine this scenario could take place only if LO is a hard-cord, authentic Narc. But all humans, even Narcs, have vulnerabilities, which make us all breakable, understandable, forgivable, laughable and sometimes even “cute”. An AI in your story could be indeed a God-like LO, granting us all our wishes, excepting reciprocating our profound affection or romantic love.
I have three questions regarding the story:
1. If AI does not have to leave, should the limerent girl stay with IT knowing that he’s not reciprocating her love? This unrequited LE does not seem to have undermined her “happiness”?
2. What if our latest AI could reciprocate human feelings? They could in theory program themselves to please us with deep affections (words + actions). Then, should the limerent girl stay with IT? If she can afford it, should she buy an AI, while finding a human beloved seems to be impossible?
3. What if this AI can program itself to be a polycule, tirelessly loving and pleasing many limerents simultaneously behind a limerent’s back? Should a limerent stay or leave this AI?
I’m just jolting down my random thoughts… no need to respond.
Hope to your posts again!
Hi Snowpheonix, nice to meet you and thank you for your lovely comment about my story. I guess that like many writers, I prefer to write stories which aim to get a reader thinking and asking questions about certain topics, so I feel that in that respect I’ve succeeded because you’ve asked some very interesting questions there… I don’t have any answers as yet (I am a much slower thinker than my husband, so it would take me a good long while to give you a meaningful response) but I will think about your questions. Maybe I’ll come up with another story as a result of those thoughts… Take care and all the best. 🙂
So nice to meet you Teika!
Wow! I read your story and it resonated with me right away because this is how I’m trying to look at my LO.
He is a Narcissist and I’m trying to convince myself “How can I be Limerent for someone that is just an empty shell? Someone with zero empathy” Sure he may have skin and bones but that’s about it.
(BTW I’m not trying to disrespect someone with a serious mental health condition such as narcissism, just wanted to make that clear. It must be terrible to have to live with that.)
Anyway, as you all know because I have been shouting it from the forum rooftops that I’m going therapy.
I have been making good progress, it’s tough though, really tough.
Thought maybe I would share some insights that have been quite eye opening and have reduced my anxiety a lot.
I have discussed at length with my therapist about hopefully “Finding a cure for my predicament”
And she told me: Having no cure for Limerence is the cure.
Wait! What!?!?
Here’s the twist.
I have always looked at Limerence as some dark entity that took over my mind, like some demon that has to be fought tooth and nail to survive.
But we must foster an identity that frames Limerence as part of who we are, not something that’s broken about us or has to be fought to the death.
Learn to appreciate yourself for who AND how you are and instead of devoting every waking moment to getting rid of your unwanted thoughts, train yourself to invest in the present moment AS IT IS and take the risk of accepting uncertainty.
Sound familiar? Dr. Tom’s Purposeful Living!
Lean in, open up, embrace and even celebrate your unwanted thoughts, feelings and sensations (Limerence) because this gives them free passage through our minds instead of keeping them stuck there. (my favorite)
Expect to relapse, like come on, we are only human right?
So in the end, the “cure” for Limerence is to understand that there is no cure
There is nothing to BE cured.
Why would we want to cure our thoughts, feelings and sensations that make us lovely humans? We have to accept the good and not so good.
Limerence is just that… thoughts, feelings and sensations and by being a student of them instead of a victim we can change our relationship with them and integrate them into lives we deserve.
The least we can do is just to identify ourselves as being somewhere along the path to mastery of mind.
I know it takes a lot of investment in ourselves to do that BUT lets face it, are we not completely invested in our Limerence?
Thanks for reading my ramblings lol
Hope everyone had a good weekend!
Hi Anna,
I just wanted to say that I liked this post and this was something that helped me recover. I have let go of trying to control the limerence (let go of trying to control interactions with LO, or what he thinks) and the result was that ‘it’ has lessened all by itself. By ‘it’ I mean intrusive thoughts and pre-occupations, ruminations and reverie. I am pretty sure that my need for control (to lessen general anxiety that I feel and to self-medicate out of stressful life situations) is what has led to my limerence in the first place.
All the best to you and thanks for posting!
Hi Anna and Bewitched,
I’d very much like to chat/ask some questions about points you’ve both made there. Anna, the perspective you have got to on limerence with your therapist I find instinctively appealing, but it sets off cognitive dissonance in me if I try to apply it to my LE. I’d be drifting off topic from Teika’s post, so I’ll put my reply as a new thread at the bottom of the latest Coffeehouse sometime later today and explain and ask more there (Snow, I think you’ll be interested too and will have lots to offer).
Thanks Anna, that’s a really interesting that she said it can’t be ‘cured’. I’ve been thinking about therapy but definitely with the idea of ‘curing’ myself. That said, my immediate reaction is that I either don’t want it to be true, or I don’t agree. At least for myself.
I think my big concern is that I have lived very purposefully for the last 20 years or so after various depressive episodes and limerence in my early 20s, but it doesn’t seem to help in the long term, it’s more just a short-term fix (for me at least). I guess from a stranger’s perspective I would be viewed as very successful and purposeful, even if it rarely feels like it internally. Maybe I am just missing the counter-factual.
Sometimes I worry that under the title Limerence we are taking one symptom and assuming multiple different conditions/causations are one and the same. I don’t know if what I am saying makes sense.
Yes, we all seem to behave similarly, but in as far as I can follow people’s stories, they seem extremely different. Both in how people behave (e.g. frequency, type of LEs), to what extent people can locate the LE’s in a broader life context (i.e. they can see the trigger in their life that caused something) how distressing they find LEs etc.
I found this article quite interesting.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-so-many-mental-illnesses-overlap/
Anyhow, it’s easy for me to criticize, I don’t have an answer of course and don’t think I am helping you. I just wish I knew more about psychology now….
@Heebie Jeebies
I found your post interesting. I have a question for you if you don’t mind.
When you say after 20 years you are still not ‘fixed’, what are you referring to? Do you mean you’re still not over LO? Or that you’re still susceptible to new LEs?
Hi Marcia, I was not referring to limerence directly. I believe limerence, or mine at least, has a root cause, which is probably my dad’s alcoholism. I sabotaged several early relationships, for no clear reason that I can discern, before I had my first-full blown unrequited limerence at 21. I can kind of see a sequence of development of limerent behaviour. For me I think limerence is a symptom of and a coping mechanism for other issues.
So I was responding to Anna that I hope I can ‘cure’ limerence by accepting and processing underlying issues. Luckily I haven’t had it much, only one short incident in the last 18 years, when my dad died, which went away very quickly, in just a few months.
In my 20s I had two long LEs, and I relapse on the latter occasionally, and that is what I want to ‘cure’.
Anyhow, I’m off topic, and ruining Mrs. Bellamies’ thread. I guess that is why I belong to the lower half of the internet!
Hi Heebie jeebies
I’m sorry if my wording caused you any distress, that certainly was not my intent.
I have been working with a therapist for a while now and we are trying different strategies to help with this, shall we say “condition”
Limerence is just a label to describe our distressing thoughts/emotions/feelings of basically an obsession with a person, so yes, what you are saying makes sense.
Obsessions can fall under many categories like OCD, Bi-polar disorder, Cluster B personality disorder (NPD, Borderline, Histrionic etc.)
Also depression and anxiety can cause unhealthy attachments.
Different people have different experiences with Limerence I think because we all have different underlining causes.
(All of this is just my opinion only)
I guess what I was trying to say in my post is rather than trying to grapple with Limerence, seek some medical advice to see what the underlying cause is. Some people already know why, most don’t.
Also it’s really hard to “cure” thought/feelings and emotions, they make us who we are. I think they just have to be reframed in our minds.
A lot of people medicate them away, rather than deal with them.
I do know for me that Limerence stems from my upbringing and my resulting attachment style. TBH if it wasn’t for Limerence I never would of discovered that. Limerence drove me to seek therapy, and that was a good thing.
Kind of like the thorn on the beautiful rose.
Thanks for your comment, Anna, and for sharing your experience. Purposeful living is definitely the way forward and I wish you all the best as you navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of limerence. “You’ve got this.” 🙂
In the first Aliens comic book following the movie Aliens and before Alien 3, Newt, the girl rescued in Aliens by Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) has grown up. As a marine she falls in love with another marine. Halfway through the story she finds out that the man she loves is an synthetic. Somewhere between being shocked she could love a synthetic and angry at him that he didn’t tell her what he was, she realized that it was out of love that he didn’t tell her. He was just as much in love with her and she was him, and he was afraid that she would leave him if he told her what he was.
People aren’t always as we want to see them. Some people are more than what we see them as. AI, synthetic, limerent object …. same science fiction, different setting. LO wasn’t perfect. The AI wasn’t a prince, and Newt’s love interest was more human than some of us humans.
Great story Mrs L. Glad I got to read it.
Thanks for your kind comment, Adam, and for telling me about that Aliens comic book – it sounds like a great read! Just my kind of thing. 🙂
“Pour [love] into yourself, into your life, instead.”
This is so interesting. I’d like to hear more about it.