Welcome to Living with Limerence!
I’ve been writing this blog since 2017, and in that time it has grown quite large. Consequently, when newcomers arrive these days it can be difficult for them to find their way around and locate the support that they need.
This post is an attempt to solve that problem.
Who am I?
OK, let’s start with introductions. My name is Tom Bellamy, and I’m a neuroscientist who worked for around 25 years in academic research in various places in the UK. I’m now a full time writer, but still an honorary Associate Professor at my last institution, the University of Nottingham.

When I first started writing this blog I didn’t admit to any of that, though. I blogged under the pseudonym “Dr L” (or “Dr Limerence”) as I wanted to preserve some anonymity while I figured out what I wanted to do with the blog and where it was going. So, if you see any posts or comments by Dr L, that’s why. It is still me.
Sorry for any confusion.
OK with introductions out of the way, where should you start when navigating the site?
The archive
A complete, chronological list of all blog posts since the start of the site is available here:
There are over 400 articles, now, though, so here is a list of the key articles that cover the most fundamental aspects of limerence:
For those who are looking for immediate support with managing limerence, or with dealing with a partner who has become limerent for someone else, the Resources page takes you straight to the guides, books and courses that are available.
The coffeehouse
You’ll notice that most of the posts have closed comments. This is because bots seem to turn up after a while and ruin the fun for everyone. Also, some of the regular commenters are incorrigible and can sometimes get distracted and ramble on about stuff that isn’t on message, disrupting the orderly operation of business. Tut tut.

I really want the site to be both a forum for discussion of specific topics, and a lively community of folks who support each other (and occasionally gossip). To try and manage this, new posts are open for comments for a month, but then shut down before the bots get out of hand.
But, to be sure that there is always a discussion thread open, we now have monthly “coffeehouse” posts, which are open for any topic of discussion. This endless thread is the heart of the community at LwL. The coffeehouse is a relaxed place to natter about whatever is on your mind, and a reliable place to seek help.
That brings us to the next topic…
Commenting policy
I like debate. I like to hear different views. I think it’s healthy and vital for making sense of the world. So, the commenting policy at LwL is laissez faire, within a few guardrails.
Here are the principles:
- This is a support site, so the point is to be constructive and helpful
- It is fine to disagree, but if you find yourself attacking another commenter, you’ve gone wrong
- Occasional fruity language is fine, but being too sweary is off-putting and will probably be censored
- No sexually explicit content thank you
- Feel free to drop me a line through the contact form if you are concerned about any comments
- I censor anything that I think violates these principles

As a last note, occasionally people worry about comments they’ve made might make them identifiable. All comments in the site are public, but you can use whatever username you like and gravatars are blocked, so it’s easy to be anonymous if you want to be.
Also, if there’s one thing I’m sure of after seven years of learning about limerence, our situations are not as unique as we think…
Other resources
Hopefully that helps with navigating your way around the site. I am also now posting weekly content on my YouTube channel, and occasional content on X.
And, the best summary of everything that I’ve learned about limerence over the years is my book, Smitten.
If you’ll forgive the boast, I’m really proud of it – I really tried to pack it with all the key wisdom I’ve gleaned about limerence, with as little fluff as possible. So, if you want the best summary that I can muster, that’s it.
Join the party
So, with all that preamble out of the way, this post is the place to say hello and join the community.
Welcome again!
Great intro!
A few more suggestions for new poster:
1. Each blog, except for the Archive, has a “Search this website” box. It can come in handy for simplifying your search. Maybe DrL can add one to the Archive blog. I think it would help. You can type in a word like “glimmer,” “spouse.” “MBTI,” “affair” etc., and it will return blogs that discuss those topics. It won’t return comments related to those subjects.
2. Only the last 10 comments appear in “Recent Comments.” Activity on LwL varies from time to time. Sometimes, there are few comments and sometimes there are a lot of comments which cause comments to fall off the list before people have a chance to see them and respond to them. So, if your comment disappears and you’re really hoping to get a response, you might consider bumping it. I don’t know how DrL feels about it but if you don’t make a pest of yourself, it’s probably ok. There’s no easy way to track your comments. You’ll have to remember the blog you posted in.
3. Since the comments are closed on a lot of blogs, it’s hard to ask questions on older blogs. Also, some commenters are no longer around. You could want to ask them something and never get a response assuming you could post on the blog. One way around this is if you see something in an old blog that you want to comment on, link the blog that you’re curious about on the Coffeehouse you’re posting in. Also, you can copy the link to any comment in any blog. Posting the link to a specific comment can open up new threads that might help a lot of people.
I have a few pence worth to add for would-be new posters.
Even though you’d never know it now, I was incredibly wary to make my first ever post and waited a long time, just reading everything. I dispelled many of the fears as soon as I posted. So I wonder if any of the below could help:
1. There is no backdoor route to identification or circulation of details. Only Tom (DrL) gets your email address. I have never been sent an obvious ‘LwL’ email to my inbox. No other member gets your email address. Etc.
2. This community is very articulate, kind and supportive. As a result of posting, you will get plurality of views and ideas and sometimes a reality check, but not, in general, personal attacks or moral laden judgements. Lots of people here know they are or have been on shaky moral ground. But they’re here trying to control or do something about it. I have found there is generally mutual recognition of and respect for this on LwL. Some other limerence forums seem inclined towards moral personal attacks, but not this one.
3. If the coffeehouse posts seem a bit ‘noisy’ and cliquey at times, please rest assured we regular posters are not a clique – it is just familiarity from being here a while. Old timers are always keen to help newcomers. There is quite a bank of wisdom and perspective to be drawn on. Once I posted I felt I was instantly part of the community instead of eavesdropping on others’ community. I have experienced a lot of generosity of spirit and time given.
Hope this encourages a few people to post.