Workplace crushes are very common. In the past, before the advent of dating apps and social media, workplace relationships were also very common. Many people met their future spouse through work, or the looser social networks connected to work, because it was one of the few venues in which compatible people routinely mixed.
That cultural dynamic has changed, but the fundamentals of human attraction, romantic desire, and pair bonding have not.
Workplaces are still a hotbed of infatuation, and that sometimes causes a lot of trouble.
Unfortunately, many people don’t appreciate the risks of workplace crushes until they are in too deep. In the worst cases, what starts as a thrilling infatuation can become a debilitating bout of limerence. In fact, in many ways, the structures and conventions of the workplace make it more likely that a flame of attraction will escalate into the firestorm of addiction to another person.
Why the workplace is fertile ground for infatuation
There are a number of reasons why the conditions of the typical workplace help infatuations develop.
First, there is simple proximity. You are thrown together with people who you are obliged to spend time with, and some of them are bound to be attractive.
Second, there is the bonding function of a common purpose. Typically, work colleagues go through shared trials, shared triumphs and disasters, shared gossip, shared complaints about management (they are awful, aren’t they?), and simple shared experiences. This can build camaraderie and familiarity, and bonds of social attachment.
Third, there is the likelihood of favouritism. By that I don’t mean a biased boss (although that’s always possible), but the feeling of stronger attachment to some co-workers than others. Workplaces can be cliquey, and we tend to spend more time with the people we feel more affinity for. They become close colleagues.
If a close colleague is someone who you find attractive, or feel the extraordinary spark of the limerent “glimmer” for, then the risk of escalating affection is significant.
Escalating affection
Workplace limerence can begin innocently enough. Perhaps you just get on very well with a colleague and end up spending lots of time together.
Working closely feels good, it makes the daily grind more enjoyable, and energises you. It might even increase your productivity and help you achieve more professional success. That might lead to praise from your boss, a boost in self-esteem, and those good vibes get associated with your enlivening co-worker.
It takes a high degree of self-awareness to start questioning that positive feedback loop. Most people will not contemplate where those warm feelings might lead them. Instead, in order to preserve the emotional boost, they come up with rationalisations about why everything is fine: We’re just a great team! It’s great that work is fun again! Why rock the boat?
If you are both single, available, and the attraction is mutual, then you can try and ride that wave of exhilaration and see where it takes you (unless you have a very strict HR department), but workplace infatuation isn’t really a big issue in these cases. It’s when either of you are not free to act on their escalating affection, or one is in a position of power over the other and has a duty of care for them, that the problems begin.
Those scenarios introduce barriers to the honest resolution of any burgeoning romantic feelings and amplify them. Ironically, wilful denial of the bond makes it stronger. Affection escalates further.
The buzz of being with them grows. You start to notice them more – the way they smell, their hair, their body, their belongings. They seem more… potent.
Intimacy seems to hang heavy in the air when you are with them. They take up more of your mental space. You feel like a different person when you are with them, and they are always in your mind when you are apart.
Any early boost to productivity starts to deteriorate as you spend more time discussing personal matters, and less time focused on work priorities. You overshare, talking about your private hopes and dreams, and your worries. Maybe even talk about your frustrations with an existing relationship, or partner.
Before you know it, you are in a completely different mental state. You’re captured by limerence. You’re addicted to your co-worker, and you can’t escape – not least because because you have to work together.
Compartmentalisation
The next big factor about the workplace environment that promotes limerence is that it is separate from the rest of your life.
At work there is a specific purpose to pursue, tasks to be done, and a shared reason why everyone is there. You have a work persona. It’s usually not wildly different from your home life persona, but there will be a distinction. At work we are seen in a specific context – based on our status, our accomplishments and our history with the company – rather than as a fully rounded person.
That lends itself to both physical and psychological compartmentalisation.
Work life and home life. That often translates into feeling different at home and at work too. There is a mental and emotional compartmentalisation to go along with the literal compartmentalisation, and means we behave differently in the two venues too.
It is all too easy to get into the habit of believing that your work life and home life are separate and can be pursued independently. That creates the illusion that the consequences of your behaviour can be compartmentalised too.
A habit of secrecy
There usually comes a moment when people realise that their invigorating work crush has spun out of control. Often, it is when they intellectually realise they are compromised, that they need to ease back to avoid bad repercussions, but also realise that they don’t feel in control of their behaviour anymore – it’s a horrible sinking feeling of knowing you are vulnerable to a craving you can’t turn off.
Unfortunately, the instinctive reaction at this point makes things worse. Most people decide: I’ll just try and ride it out. They fear exposure of their secret obsession. They convince themselves that they can handle their own emotions – no-one else needs to know.
This habit of secrecy has two big consequences. First, they continue to engage with their workplace crush – their “limerent object” – on essentially the same terms as before, meaning they continue with all the behaviours, all the poor decisions, that led them into limerence in the first place.
Second, if they have a partner at home, that relationship suffers. The cognitive dissonance of trying to maintain a façade of happy home life while roiling with internal unresolved limerence starts to take a mental toll.
If you are keeping big secrets about your own state of mind from your partner, they’ll be blithely acting as though everything is fine (or, maybe, sensing that something is wrong and wondering what it is) while you maintain a pretence. The habit of deceit – of engaging with your partner dishonestly – is a fast track through the tipping points that lead to a limerence affair.
Concealing limerence means you end up behaving like any other addict. Keeping secrets. Lying about your motives. Protecting your supply.
A good indicator that you have reached this point is if the prospect of your workplace crush meeting your long-term partner fills you with discomfort. That’s a clear indication that it’s got too personal and you are struggling to keep the compartments separate.
Limerence is not a respecter of such boundaries. There are inevitable “shows” that you are infatuated. You talk about them too much. You start to adopt some of their opinions, perhaps even their mannerisms. You seek time alone at home to daydream and ruminate about them. You text them when you should be present with your partner.
Limerence is such an all-encompassing altered state of mind that it eventually breaks through compartments and insists on being heard.
Late stage limerence includes intrusive thoughts, incessant rumination, mood swings and involuntary obsession. Trying to keep all of that hidden is exhausting, and inevitably erodes the quality of existing relationships.
Managing an workplace crush
So, that’s a rather pessimistic catalogue of all the ways that the environment of the workplace can promote a crush that can become limerence. Fortunately, there are better ways of managing it than the instinctive approach of “tough it out and try and somehow keep the good vibes without the bad consequences”.
There are purposeful ways that you can respond to the awareness that you have lost control of your emotional equilibrium.
There are more elegant ways to manage the fact that you cannot go no contact than simply carrying on as before.
It is possible to take control and recover from workplace limerence without jeopardising your personal and professional lives.
Here are some articles that can help you develop a plan:
How to get over an office crush
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