Nicely cryptic title today.
This post is the 400th post on the Living with Limerence site. That’s a lot of typing.
I tend to use these milestones for myself – to reflect on what’s been, what’s underway, and what’s to come.
This one is no exception. After a quick review of recent milestones, I’m going to share the lessons I’ve learned about transitioning out of an academic job and into a new world of full time writing and career independence.
As a consequence, this post is less about limerence and more about purposeful living. Turns out there are some speed bumps on the road to personal freedom and I hit them.
So, if you fancy learning about all the naïve mistakes I’ve made, and how I’m going to try and respond to them, read on!
A big year
There were two major milestones for me this year. I wrote a book and used it to transition from pseudonymous blogger to public blogger. I’m out in the world as myself, and taking responsibility for my opinions and decisions.
So far, so good. I haven’t regretted that decision yet, and am still pretty stoked and motivated about the future.
But…
Time management
Academic life, for all its shortcomings, had a lot of structure. There was a literal timetable when it came to teaching, but research work was also regimented by funding application deadlines, PhD student deadlines, project planning, collaborative meetings, etc. etc. Not to mention the endless hours of administration.
Similarly, when the blog was a side-project, there was a nice, simple structure: one post a week, Saturday 9 am, come what may.
Turns out, independent life is not like that.
I’m sure the freelancers reading this are already cracking a wry smile, but I started my new life with the assumption that given an extra 8 hours a day to work on limerence, I’d be like a powerhouse of creation and industry. I’d be ticking off projects left and right, completing long-neglected tasks, and finishing the day in a flush of achievement and satisfaction.
In practice, I’m all over the place.
I’m going to be honest. My actual intention for this 400th post was not to ramble about “my journey” or try and make a silk purse from a sow’s ear, it was to formally launch my YouTube channel.
Unfortunately, I haven’t yet recorded a single frame.
I’ve written some scripts, because I like writing, but I’ve been dithering for so long about getting a studio set up, sorting out kit, software, lighting, and deciding on backdrops (bookcase? plain wall? shadowy depths? or classic spare bedroom?), that I haven’t actually sat down in front of the camera and recorded anything.
In part this is just my naïvety about how much is involved in making YouTube videos, but it’s also obviously partly procrastination. As further evidence, I signed up for a couple of online courses about how to make YouTube videos, which has splendidly burned through hours of what seems like productive time without actually getting any recording done.
Projects, projects, projects
I’m wise enough to procrastination’s tricks to know its root cause is not laziness, but avoiding discomfort. It’s all about emotional resistance.
Like many people, I don’t relish the idea of performing on camera, and also feel inhibited about being subject to scrutiny, but if I’m honest, those aren’t really the barriers that I’m facing. My problem is indecision.
Here is a list of live projects I have on my to do list:
- Complete last proofreading and edits before the book goes into production
- Reach out to podcasts and other blogs to help promote the book
- Engage with social media to start building a new audience – please follow me on X! 🙂
- Reinvigorate my long-neglected newsletter
- Create an online course and community for betrayed spouses who have been hurt by limerence
- Update and improve the Emergency deprogramming course for people struggling with limerence
- Create an online course for professional therapists and coaches on the neuroscience of limerence, attachment, and behavioural addiction
- Launch the YouTube channel
Now, a sensible person might look at that list and prioritise – working through the projects in order of importance. Less sensible, more indecisive people might start all of them at once and then bounce back and forth from task to task, as daily indecision keeps them switching priorities. Of course, you then end up making what feels like inadequate progress on all of them.
Guess which one I did?
What have I learned?
It’s only been a couple of months since I quit my job, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself about an inefficient transition period. That said, it also can’t go on like this.
The fundamental problem is that I want to get all of these projects done, but I can’t do everything at once. I need a system for prioritisation and making consistent progress.
My assumption that I’d be able to just instinctively feel my way into a productive schedule is the same classic mistake that leads into limerence – going with what feels right in the moment, rather than engaging the executive brain to check on the origin of those feelings.
In my case, this played out as launching into one project with enthusiasm, hitting resistance that turns the enthusiasm into doubt, avoiding that discomfort by getting enthusiastic about a different project, and switching focus before anything got completed.
Embarrassing.
One of the biggest draws to the independent life was being able to do what I want when I want. I love the fact that I can spend time with my kids when they get home from school, and want to preserve that sort of freedom, but I don’t love the fact that emotional resistance to decision-making is stopping me from completing projects.
A quote from Leila Hormozi helped clarify the solution:
To avoid procrastination, match your actions to your goals not to your feelings
For me, my purposeful goal is to turn running Living with Limerence into a full time career, and that involves a consistent schedule of creating new resources, new information and new products that help people who are suffering because of limerence make sense of what’s happening to them.
My actions need to match the goal of building a sustainable and productive system for helping people solve their problems, and that’s unlikely to happen if I’m just led by my daily feelings and inclinations.
The starting point is prioritisation – choose a lead project, make a master task list, and get started on doing the work.
Match actions to purpose, not feelings.
See you next week, with my first YouTube video.
That’s an exciting punch list!
Even though I am not a limerence betrayed spouse myself, I think the course designed for them is a brilliant and empathetic idea.
And I have taken your reprogramming course and thought it already perfect…
Looking forward to all the new permutations of LwL!
Thanks, Jaideux! Part of the problem is that I’m excited about all the opportunities, and so pulled in lots of directions.
There are worse problems to have… 🙂
Hi Dr L,
I wanted to sympathise. This
“I don’t love the fact that emotional resistance to decision-making is stopping me from completing projects” hits hard.
The thing about academia is that over complication and delay in baked in. One has to deconstruct to get anywhere, to an exhausting degree. Whereas now you are on a more “just do it” situation.
You’re right to identify focussing on one thing, good spot there. Trying to make everything perfect might be another 😉
It was probably easy to avoid things you didn’t like so much in academia, not so much now, gotta pay the bills.
I am looking forward to future posts about the joys of filling out a VAT return (as opposed to civil servant having all tax return sorted at source 😆).
All good luck to you (and it hasn’t been that long since your big move so maybe you can give yourself a break).
Dr L
I would be hesitant about appearing on camera. I don’t even like posting my picture online. Even when it is a fairly secure site.
Psych2Go is one of my favorite channels on youtube about the human psyche. And they use animation and text and then have a revolving roster of narrators. I don’t know what all that details as far as the work involved. I like a few “positive quote” channels that use text and different backgrounds while reading the quotes but never appearing on camera.
Even if you want to talk entertainment, most of the video game channels I watch are game footage with the channel creator narrating. Gameranx is one of my favorites. Maybe that is an option you can try if you appearing on camera is a hesitation.
I know what you mean, Adam, and I did consider a “faceless” YouTube (like School of Life), but those channels take a lot of work and skill.
Me looking at a camera and pontificating is a lower barrier to leap!
Wow, Dr. L.
That is a big step, appearing on video. I see, when I look at your larger list of goals, why you might want to appear, instead of doing a voice-over or something of that nature. Your plans all sound, holistically, like they are heading in a certain direction….to solidify your position as an expert in this area, and to help people who have been touched by limerence find you, as a trusted resource.
You have the vision, and the desire. Plan the work, work the plan. You can do it. And you’ll be glad you did.
It doesn’t have to be perfect….it just has to be “done”. The future, and your next steps, will become quite clear once you take that first step.
🙂
CSC
Thanks CSC. I agree. Just need to get it done, and then make it better as I learn.
It’s actually quite exciting. Feels like the early days of the blog. I don’t know what I’m doing, or where it’s going, but it should be fun…
And that is OK! The reason you feel like you don’t know what you are doing, is because what you are putting out there is unique. Nobody has done it before. Because nobody else is you.
The truth is, there are no rules, and no right way. There is no box you need to fit into, and no stern judge waiting to wag their finger at you when you take a step. Keeping an experimental mindset is a wonderful way to get things (and yourself) tuned up for what will be a very cool, very fun journey into this new phase!
(i am not just trying to offer platitudes. i have some practice in putting business and creative ideas out into the world) my encouragement is based in experience. 🙂
While I’d prefer you joined BlueSky rather than X, how about you join BlueSky in addition to X?
And keep the first videos super-short (three minutes max) until you get a better feel for it. Remember, it’s harder to write GOOD short story than it is to write a novel. Brevity is the soul of wit.
Best wishes!
Thanks, Lee. Video one completed today and clocks in at 3 minutes and 3 seconds. 🙂
Its also okay to get help! How about hiring an assistant / project manager? Being a team can be more motivating, and you can have someone to spare with, and you can focus on the tasks that matter most to you.
Kind regards,
Definitely part of the plan, Persona. Once resources allow…
You do so much and are helping so many already, I do hope you’re not coming from a place of Slave driving ‘never enough, need to fire on all fronts or else’. I may have misread you, apologies if so. All I mean to say is I would hate to know you’re giving yourself a hard time when your input in the world is already so outstanding. Maybe this limbo phase is to be enjoyed as well as any secure completed mastered task, with all its uncertainties and imperfections?
Thanks for the kind words, FrenchTart (and what a username! 🙂 )
I’m in a season of life when I’m restless, but I’m trying to focus that energy on building, rather than beating myself up. I’m getting my head into the “just do it and see what happens” space, rather than “it needs to be perfect before I start”.
Congratulations on reaching a milestone 400 posts, Dr. L!
I will leave it to Mrs Bellamy to tell you you are a wonderful man, and simply say that you are a wonderful writer. (High praise I know. But individuals prone to limerence are given to hyperbole, no?) 😁
In your blog articles, I have found information to explain what may have been going on in my brain at different points in my life. Also, I have enjoyed occasionally reading the stories of other people experiencing infatuation.
I would like to wish you all the best for the future. May your midlife shift in career bring you the reward, excitement, and stimulation (of a non-romantic kind) that your limerence-prone brain was perhaps unconsciously reaching for all along…
It has been an immense privilege to learn about limerence under your tutelage. Your ability to translate complex ideas into clear, easily understandable language will no doubt prove an asset in your communications with varied audiences. 🙂
Thanks, Sammy. Much appreciated.
Hi Dr L.
If you look at one more thing to do (I know, I’m helping 😀 ) have a look at the netflix documentary on “Escaping the Twin Flames universe” if you haven’t already.
The twin flames subject seem to have been considered here a few years ago with some perplexity: since then apparently the whole thing turned into a serious cult.
It’s striking how based on probably the same emotionnal experience, you’ve tried to explain it and help people get through and they went full in into the rabbitt hole of exploiting it to gain money and power by abusing limerents. And they have a serious number of followers.
(Not saying you made the wrong choice here, but apparently they have nicer cars.^^)
Good idea, SA. I only touched on Twin Flames briefly, but there is a lot to say. Especially if that community has gone a bit cultish since I last wrote about it.
Fortunately, I’m not bothered about nice cars, so I can use my powers for good. Like Spiderman.
Oh boy, “a bit” indeed.
So apparently you can start by telling limerent that yes their LO absolutely experience the same connection they do because it’s a cosmic thing, so they come to you, and then encourage and promote all sort of limerence madness, so they alienate their friend and family (and sometimes get arrested) and isolate themselves, apart from your cult.
I don’t want to spoil you the whole thing but it gets quite dark and I’d be cool to have your take on this. Especially as there is still like 70k people following this thing.
With great powers comes great responsibilities… Go spiderman! 😄