I get lots of emails.
Lots of people are struggling with limerence.
Understandable, really, given that addiction to another person has a hugely disruptive effect on life.
Unfortunately, I am but one person, and so can’t keep up with the volume of queries I receive.
That can be demoralising – both for the person who doesn’t receive a reply, and for me, because I hate the feeling of letting people down.
So, I had an idea.
I’m going to do a long-form YouTube video where I answer the biggest questions that people have about limerence, and try and work through the issues that come up again and again.
So, this post is the invitation for anyone who is reading and has a problem in mind. Use the comment section below to put your question forwards for consideration.
Or to make suggestions from problems you’ve seen a lot in the comments of other posts.
You can use any username you like, and I’ll use that in the video (unless you are silly and use a name like “Hugh Mungus” or something).
If you are reading the comments and see that someone has asked a question that you would also like answered, then please reply to that question with a thumbs-up, or “me too” or similar. That will give me a sense of how common each issue is, and so which would be the most widely applicable and useful to answer.
When we have a good bank of questions, I’ll sort them into themes and then plan out the video.
Now, obviously, this plan depends on some commenting discipline. Please don’t fill up the comments section with general chat (that’s what the coffeehouse is for).
Talking about the problems raised is obviously fine, but I’ll delete any off topic stuff when I see it.
Let’s keep this one clear for those who have specific problems they want help with.
I may also draw on emails and contact form submissions, so if you’d prefer to email me directly, then use the contact page, and put in the note that you’d like the issue to be considered for the YouTube review.
Thanks all!
My limerence started about a year ago, presumably earlier and with years long build up of on and off social media contact. I’m not going into details but the excitement and thrill of it was short lived and the pain and heartbreak is still going on till this day.
I wouldn’t say I have limerent episodes anymore, as there is NC ( or extremely limited as in : only a couple of likes on posts of LO this year and I sometimes get to see a new profile picture because I couldn’t block them..it resulted in me deleting the app and the next moment, downloading the app again. Believe me, I tried several times..).
There are no romantic highs or signs of possibility so the addiction-like chase has completely vanished but instead I feel like I have been mourning a romantic possibility not coming to fuition for over a year now.
And this is not a matter of the mind. I know very well that I made the right choice not to pursue it and I can name many reasons why that is so. But it’s the hearts unrelenting yearning that is continiously pushing me to a point where I want to look for/check upon/reach out to them. (Which I never actually do). There are no highs. Only lows. I don’t like the idea of creating a negative version of them in my mind. I know it’s just as unrealistic as the image I had of them when I put them on a pedestal and it doesn’t erase the lack I feel. I hardly indulge in romantic fantasy about them anymore either. I wanted to make the connection as authentic as I could, seeing them as a real person, not the version created in my mind. For this to happen I should have given it a chance in the first place, when it was still possible to get to know them properly. But I didn’t and it will never happen. So now I live with a ghost that comes to visit me when I feel down mostly. How to live with that? And what stage am I in right now?
I’m trying to give my life as much purpose as I possibly can. I can’t avoid feeling down from time to time. My job is the catalyst most of the time. I don’t like it. And when I get home all I want to do sometimes is cry. I am thinking of changing jobs, so hopefully I’d feel more fulfilled and I won’t have these episodes anymore. I wouldn’t call it limerence. I’d call it the ghost of limerence that will perhaps follow me around for the rest of my life?
Hi Kat,
I saw @jmmo replied to you on a different post but I wanted to let you know I’ll reply with a more thoughtful post too I just have a busy weekend. I know it’s painful…very. I know it’s sad, too…and hard to know “purpose” when ones entire mind has been turned to an LO for some tine. I just wanted you to know someone (me) understands ❤️
This is my first post on the blog so you might be referring to another Kat. Thank you though, your reply is very much appreciated.
Fun fact: I bumped into LO yesterday, in the flesh. First time after about a year And I noticed that I wasn’t all hyped up talking to him. Some nerves, that’s all. There stood the man who has been of such mental, emotional even physical impact to me over the last few years and here we were just doing small talk for a minute or so. And feeling relatively nothing, just calm, just ..okay with it. I felt a relief afterwards, thinking this might lift the weight and end it. Yet I caught myself today imagining having a child with him so..I guess not.
Hi Kat
csc is right. I did reply to your post above, but I out it elsewhere, as I explain below.
Dear Kat
I’ve replied to your post in Tom’s latest thread (I didn’t post it there in case he deleted it!).
I felt compelled to get in touch, because your story breaks my heart. You describe all of my LEs combined, different segments from each one. My dear friend csc and I are chronic Limerents, and I’m fairly sure that she will echo that she gets everything you have been and are going through. As I do.
My request to you is that you talk to us. I see a lady here who is clearly struggling, and I want to help- if I can.
A few days ago I mentioned to csc and another great friend here, LaR that we are in a kind of rehab. We’re all at different stages, but I promise you Kat, we have all been where you are.
I’m not sure from your post if this is your first LE, although I get the feeling that it might not be.
Forgive me if I’m being over familiar. I’ve only been here a couple of months and it may be that you’ve been here for ages, and we’ve just never “met”.
I hope that we get to chat.
Until then please take care. I am thinking of you.
Justmeandmyobsessions (Jmmo)
Dear Csc and jmmo,
Thanks for this.
My biggest worry is this -‘will it follow me around for the rest of my life’? Intrusive thoughts of LO have become such a pattern in my mind that I am wondering, when will this stop? When will I finally find something so fulfilling that I don’t need him anymore? I resisted my thoughts, then I allowed them to be there (what you resist persists..), then I tried to replace them..no success so far.
This is my first real experience of Limerence. I have had crushes when I was younger but none of them lasted for more than 2 years. My life circumstances changed or I met someone new etc. Now I am in a stable relationship and I don’t see any big changes coming (apart from the job thing..hopefully) and meeting someone new is out of the question. I am so worried this will eventually wreck my relationship. I told my SO about my LO which happened during a breakup but then we got back together again after a couple of months and I didn’t talk about my LO anymore since. I think it would be a bad idea too because what good would that do? Meanwhile I am suffering and my SO doesn’t know about it and I feel this constant guilt..
👍
I am not currently in the thick of LE but in remembering her and thinking of her often brings me much sadness like this. Even more crazy is the fact I never really knew LO, other than us being co-workers.
I also do not want to create a negative outlook or think of her in a bad way, yet so much sadness prevails when I do think of her and what never was. Memories that are fake, only fantasy but feel real to me. These thoughts often bring me to tears. Like a ghost of limerence.
These sad moments have decreased over time and within the last year, but they still creep up in low-feeling moments. My guess is this affects me like it does, due to how limerence messes with the brain in the altered state.
“Memories that are fake, only fantasy but feel real to me.”
I can relate..and I am also wondering how harmful are these ‘fake memories’…I have often revisited a ‘memory’ I created of an invitation I declined..the – what would have happened if – scenario. It is so vivid to me as if it were real.
I feel some aversion towards this, thinking by the end of my life.. or even years later, for instance when memory/reality can get mixed up..if it felt real, what will it mean to you? Would one still carry the sadness of the unlived life…
The absolute damnation of being Life partnered, with generally a good code of ethics, morals, and living a Life true to values, pottering along, thinking, all is well, and then a LO appears, causing havoc and making a mockery of promises, truths, and values by their mere existence. If they are Life partnered too, and we are all working in the same place, a double, or even, a triple whammy. No escape. Add a sprinkle of mid-life existentialist agony to the mix, and it truly hurts to the nth degree. It is like a Life wake-up call, with elements of sheer desperation mixed with pain. Out of it comes growth and transformation leading to more maturation, and further understanding ourselves, also waking up to what Life is about. Some may not get this far, due to circumstances- a hard long look can become ever so hard. So, wrecks havoc but do we learn…..? If not…..it can be purgatory.
First of all, you should be a writer if you’re not.
Secondly, I relate because this is what happened to my husband, unbeknownst to me.
Oh yes
I am not currently struggling with an LE, but when I was struggling, I had a lot of questions.
How can I get rid of intrusive thoughts?
Am I losing my mind?
Can I have an appropriate relationship with my LO even though I’m limerent?
“Can I have an appropriate relationship with my LO even though I’m limerent?”
I would like your imput on this too Dr L.
Yes, it’s possible. I fell in love with my single, 14 years older sweet and sometimes attentive coworker the first week of my new job (it’s been 2.5 years). I’m still very much in love… but I have found the more I commit to my dignity and the more I treat LO as I would someone I know from church I struggle less and the quality of our interactions improve. I don’t think LO loves me in quite the same way as I love him. He seems to feel more comfortable when I talk about my spouse so I try to talk about my life as I would to a complete stranger or someone who doesn’t know me intimately. At the same time he trusts me more than most… there are several nice single men and women at work but he has asked me to take him to a colonoscopy appointment…. That’s very intimate! I recognized a long time ago that the limerence is MY problem, not anyone else’s. It’s MY responsibility/cross to carry… and it’s been my decision to carry it because I can. My faith teaches me how to love others appropriately. I’m glad for it because otherwise life is very messy.
DrL,
I think a good discussion point that applies to me and many LwL posters is about recommended methods to manage and withdraw from limerence when no contact is not an option, eg when it is a workplace LE.
Dr L
I would second my esteemed friend LaR’s recommendation for a topic in your upcoming video. As you know, workplace LEs are purgatory .
Jmmo
Ditto. Or even some positive real-life examples to demonstrate that it is possible and that there is hope for us!
Also this
I second the question: How to get rid of intrusive thoughts? That’s huge and carries over into other aspects of life too (anger, envy, remorse etc etc). How to reclaim a mind that’s been hijacked by any experience or emotion?
Seconded
I was hoping you could address the issue of withdrawal symptoms when going No Contact? I am maintaining No Contact okay, but suffering a lot of anxiety and depression.
Me too.
My biggest setback is the anxiety and excitement of the possibility of bumping into my LO. We have never met in person (it was an online professional relationship) but we live in the same city and it’s feasible that we will bump into each other.
It drives me nuts and makes me very sensitive every time I leave the house!
Any advice?
Female LO writing. This site gave me words to understand what had happened to me several times when being someone’s LO without wanting it. Feeling uneasy about being put on a piedestal, the too appriciative comments, the awkward situations when people are watching me being ‘hunted’ while judging my reactions, the failed attemps to shatter the phantom build in some one’s head to become a ‘real’ person, the moments of letting them get to close because the attention is intoxicating but then the guilt because the high was not really mine… and then the cultural thing that you (maybe more as a female) should appreciate the attention and validation you get as an LO.
The problem of the phantom/ghost in your head and how to shatter it would be my main point – as I have experienced the complexity of it from both sides.
I love this comment. Gives me possible insight (though I’m surmising and will never REALLY know how my husband’s LO may have felt) as to how my H’s LO felt as he crossed the line of “friendship” into inappropriate secret texts.
More on this please!!!
Thank you Bittet for posting this. I am a female LE and have experienced unwanted attention many times in my life but as far as I know I have not been an LO. Reading your description of the experience from your perspective helps me to understand some of my LOs behavior. I know he enjoyed the attention, which may have been intoxicating, and I suppose that is what fed my belief that my feelings were reciprocated. I very badly want to hate him for not sharing the feelings I had for him but I honestly don’t think he had impure motives. I think we shared a chemistry but only I experienced limerence and delusions. Part of me is still in denial that I could have so misunderstood him, but reading your description helps me to understand how that happened. Now if only I could speed up the recovery!
I have several questions I’d like a better understanding of:
1. I’d like to understand why my self worth is effected so much? Logically I know my LO doesn’t desire me or reciprocate as I want and treats me poorly at times yet I still desire their approval and seek the dopamine hit of contact. Logically I can see we wouldn’t work yet my self worth is greatly dependent on them.
2. LO and I got to know each other under difficult mental health situations and so I care/worry immensely for them, possibly trauma bonding. Part of wanting contact is to know how they are doing. They also seek me out when things are going badly which can effect me greatly emotionally. How does this interact with limerence? How does one remove limerence in this situation?
3. I recently got diagnosed with ASD level 1 and part of that has been limited relationship experiences and friendships. How does neurodiversity interact with limerence and the difficulties escaping from it? Does relationship experience or the number of friends effect limerence?
To Bob:
Thank you for posting this.
I am very interested in item #1 above. I often think about LO, wishing he would approve of me and my opinions about things. Even though I know objectively that he doesn’t much care, I still find myself longing for his interest and approval.
I hope that Dr. Tom will be able to address this.
Same here for points 2 and 3
Song of the Blog: “Talk to Me” – Stevie Nicks (1985)
https://youtu.be/UQl62w71Ets?feature=shared
My issue is mutual limerence. She’s as much my LO as I’m hers. I’m life partnered, she no longer is (nothing to do with me, happened before we met). My existence has now boiled down to the fear of guilt should I leave my family and start a new life with my LO (though there’s now geographical distance caused by her job change) or ending my relationship with LO and face the fear of lifelong regrets of not pursuing the future with someone (LO) I imagine I could spend the rest of my life with. I feel staying put would be a historic compromise.
That’s tough. No easy path. The difference between a problem and a predicament is that a problem can be solved, but not a predicament. They best you can do with a predicament is to mitigate so you’re compromised regardless of doing something or not.
Hi Daniel, I think you might gain insight from Dr L’s latest video.
https://youtu.be/6zxkpwo-UwQ?si=eaHbA_z8m5zrkw-K
To be honest, your post confuses me. It sounds like you worry that you will regret being faithful to your vows if you don’t pursue something with your LO. Surely I misunderstood your post. Who would regret honoring their commitments? I must have misunderstood your meaning.
Either way, best of luck managing your limerence.
I am interested in all 3 of these too.
Bob, do you thing your LO is neurodivergent too?
Sorry, this was supposed to be in reply to Bob above, on self worth, trauma bonding and ASD.
I am also interested in how to deal with the impact on my children. There is a lot about disclosing to SO (which I have not done) but nothing about how I could manage the impact on the rest of my family. My children have a lot of admiration and respect for my LO and going full NC would require life-changing disruption for them.
Onyx, in answer to your question.
I’m not sure, LO is not diagnosed (or self diagnosed) as ND. LO’s sibling is (very obviously) however. And I don’t think LO has the same ASD difficulties as me. But I know there is MH such as bipolar, anxiety, depression and traumas involved. It’s difficult to separate them if that makes sense.
Bob, that makes total sense.
I have your problem in reverse. My LO is diagnosed neurodivergent and I struggle to interpret our interactions. Are the mixed signals and social awkwardness “just” ND or more? I’m really interested in the impact of ASD and ADHD/ADD on limerence. Also Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
I have a terrible back-sliding record. I can feel myself slipping. Maybe some strategies to help keep the NC resolve?
I’m wondering if my experience is “normal” (whatever that even means!) I have been apart from my ex, who had NPD, for over four years. We were together for a decade. Anyone I meet now, or any activity I participate in, feels dull. The exception is when the person is inconsistent, “sparky”, or really intense. The same goes for activities – unless there is some drama involved, I feel bored, uninterested, and then disappointed. I feel like I’m not “alive” anymore. I’m wondering if this is common in limerents who are “detoxing” or recovering.
I enjoy thinking about what would be described as a LO. Doesn’t seem to impact the rest of my life. Is it odd to enjoy it???
I met her in college 45+ years ago, there was a profound attraction at first sight, I mean it was unnatural. Some say that is mumbo jumbo, might not exist but you can’t tell me it isn’t true. Kind of like telling a person who says they say a ghost they didn’t. We had a connection, although it was always platonic, 100% of the time. We lived in the same dorm the first two years, hung out a lot with common friends, very close. Over the next 2 years we drifted apart as natural and the last time I had any communication with her was graduation day. That is the weird part is think.
The thing was I had a girl friend at the time who would turn into my wife of 40+. Couldn’t end that, wasn’t that type of person. And as funny as this sounds, I did not know at that point if she even thought of me like that.
That realization came many years later as I was driving on a family vacation and had plenty of time to think. Was thinking about old college friends and got to her and it was like the tumblers on a huge lock lined up and fell into place and I realized she was just as attracted to me as I was to her, just wasn’t in the cards as they say.
Funny part now is I don’t think of her in a romantic way, mostly as friends talking about our life and things happening in our day. The chance of meeting her is almost zero, we live in different states and I would be mortified if we ran into one another. Although I would also love to sit and talk to her for real and ask her about how she felt when we first met and to explain that if my attention to her was confusing, I was greatly confused as well, no idea that such an intense attraction could happen.
That is my question, is it weird to enjoy the obsession?
Agree, love it when I dream about LO. No chance to see her but thinking and dreaming is a good second.
OMG, I dreamt of my LO intensely for 4-5 years and on and off up till 20 years later. I did NOT like dreaming about LO – it created a very unpleasant dissonance between my dream life and real life. In real life, I had an SO with whom I was building a solid and wonderful life. Purposeful, as you would say.
Okay, my problem would be that a real life love (SO) does not get rid of limerence for an LO but a new LO does. What’s with this??
I’ve got other side of the story – meaning what’s my biggest problem with limerence being an SO of the limerent one. My story in detail can be found at forums.
We are now in the end stage of limerent episode, where my SO got it for one of her teachers. It’s all cleared up, would be okay if it went either way (meaning staying with me or pursing the LO), she decided to stay and work on herself and our relationship.
Issue that is breaking my heart is that I see how much it meant and still means. How much of a drug was the LO for her, how she’s longing for that contact. LO done a lot of crap stuff and even when the horrible things are stated I can feel that *asteriks* – “but he’s just a lost man”. We have setup the boundries, but I feel like I’m restricting her from her hapiness. Feeling like a “safe choice” vs “burning passion” really gets to you. My SO done almost everything right from the start of LE, we’re actually in great place currently, but feeling inferior on mine side will residue for some time for sure. Our relationship over 8 years made me feel special, guess I’m not.
All the best for your struggles guys, it’s hell of a beast to tackle.
M.
Is it fair to say that limerence is a form of grief? While you’re in limerence, you’re in denial/bargaining, depression entering when you get to the “desperation” phase as you say. For me, those 3 things stick around while in recovery and finally acceptance when I eventually stop thinking about my LO, though this typically takes ages. Anger isnt usually a prominent emotion for me when I grieve.
I felt like yesterday I was actually grieving a relationship/a person I will never be with and I’ve had this thought today. Have I actually been grieving this entire time? Just stuck in it, struggling to move forward and get to acceptance. For me it makes sense that limerence is a form of grief but I was wondering your thoughts.
For context my LO is a friend from who is in a 3 year relationship. It felt like we were super well matched emotionally personality-wise. Our friendship felt somewhat flirty to me. It felt to me like we were acting like 2 friends who are about to get into a relationship. Of course this was never the case. I felt like if she was single, it would basically have been inevitable that we would have started dating. Luckily I’ve been NC for a while as lectures ended in May, and have been stopping fantasy and checking social media/messages etc as best as I can. Intrusive thoughts remain but I’ve done my best to keep them in check and stop them devolving into fantasy.
Interesting. I also feel that grief is a part of limerence, especially the tail end of limerence. Grieving for a connection/fulfilment that‘s never going to happen, either because of circumstances, or, more interesting for me, because the person I yearned to connect with, this special glimmering person, doesn’t exist, there only exists a normal person onto whom I heaped all those extraordinary expectations to be special.
So it might also be grief for the extraordinary high of limerence , the heady stuff of limerence, that deteriorated into neediness, maybe we grieve for that too in the end.
Absolutely at the tail end when you’ve decided to recover, I’m just wondering if its the whole thing from the start too. The limerent feelings/thoughts being denial and bargaining. I guess you could call the decision to heal from limerence at the very least intellectual, even if not emotional, “acceptance” in terms of grief.
Maybe I feel like this because this is a case where intellectually I knew it was never going to happen due to her relationship. She’s very open about how much she loves him (which of course hurts like hell whenever she brought him up/reiterates how she feels about him). In fact there was a day that was full of such comments which drove me to seek therapy for my limerence, as clearly I wasn’t doing well enough on my own.
Denial and bargaining showing themselves as limerent thoughts makes sense to me in this situation.
Another question I have is about how I wanted to have a conversation with my LO about how I felt like our interactions had been a bit flirty recently, and if we could try and turn it down a bit so I didnt “overthink” our relationship. I wanted to stop the limerent thoughts from deepening, even if I didnt recognise it as limerence at the time and thought it was just a crush. A mutual friend dissuaded me from this when I talked to her about my feelings for my LO, saying it “could ruin our friendship”, which she thought was really lovely. I’m wondering if had I actually had this conversation, whether my limerence would have been solved long ago and I didnt actually need to get deeper into it. My feeling is that my LO would have been surprised by me feeling like that, as presumably she wasn’t intending to be flirty with me, and that a rejection would have been built into her response. Perhaps this would’ve stopped me from getting more and more infatuated with her? Is this sort of conversation something that I should try and do in future situations when I have a crush on someone unavailable?
How do you move on from limerence when you’ve never really experienced a healthy, loving relationship? I crave love and affection but because I’m frequently stuck in limerence with unavailable people I feel like I’m prevented from searching for it in other places. Also I have a question at the end regarding limerence and a saviour complex.
I’m 25 now, and the longest relationship I’ve had lasted about three months back in 2019. We never officially became a couple, and neither of us ever said “I love you,” though that’s definitely what I was feeling at the time. I held back from saying it because toward the end her priorities shifted due to external reasons and she said she wanted to keep things more casual. That change didn’t sit well with me or my anxious attachment style. Within a week or two, she ended things. This was before I had any experience with therapy, so I had no real understanding of what I was feeling or why it hit so hard.
Since then, I’ve gone through several limerent episodes. The worst and longest lasting one was related to a situation that started just before COVID in 2020 and lasted until the end of 2023. We began dating a couple weeks before the lockdowns began. Once restrictions lifted and we were able to see each other again, she told me she no longer felt the same and in fact had a crush on someone else. After that, we were really close friends on and off for years while she had other relationships. One partner didn’t like her having male friends, and the other was uncomfortable with our past. This caused our on-off pattern of friendship.
I was caught in a cycle of limerence the whole time. When she was single and we were able to become close again it felt great, at least before the desperation phase of limerence started. When we werent able to be friends, I just stayed obsessed and depressed because limerence lasts a long time for me. It became overwhelming, especially when combined with stress from work. That’s what eventually pushed me to start therapy. I was constantly preoccupied with the idea that we could try again and used limerence to help me regulate my depression, even though that was partly what was helping to cause it. There wasn’t lack of compatibility or attraction (at least originally when we started dating), but she simply didn’t see me in a romantic light anymore, even though I still had strong feelings for her.
We were really close when we were able to be and we very supportive of eachother emotionally and with our mental health/her physical health. Another commenter mentioned trauma bonding (the colloquial definition at least where sharing past trauma can lead to emotional bonding), which reallllly resonates with me because of this and many other LEs I’ve had. I definitely have something of a saviour complex in my LEs. Typically my LOs have something that I want to be able to support them with, be it past trauma, mental or physical health. If I was with them romantically, I would be in a better place to support them and their needs. In the case of my worst LE, both. I’m also wondering how this can interact with limerence.
Thanks,
James
James
Here is a great post Dr L wrote about the rescue complex, which is what triggered my limerent episode. It is something I greatly struggle with in regards to the women in my life. Hopefully it is as helpful to you as it was to me when I first found LwL.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-and-the-rescue-fantasy/
Thank you for this
This resonates with my experience so much. I have never had a healthy relationship or a reciprocating relationship. My LO has been in a few relationships since we met, currently in one. LO was available when we met, had they not been I don’t know if the limerence would have fully started as it goes against my values. Whilst the limerence has always remained since and effects me every day it greatly intensifies when LO is available and openly seeking a new partner yet also greatly increases time spent with me which confuses my self worth massively. I also certainly understand the rescuing issues. So my questions are to do with the effect of lack of experience and self worth really. I think for the rescuing it is linked with the inability to say no and fear of loss as a reaction. I also wonder if you can have ‘complex’ limerence, or different levels of it?
Bob mentioned this above, but I want to repeat it.
I feel an overwhelming longing for LO to pay attention to me and to care about me. I have been having some medical issues recently, and I would have loved for him to show an interest, but he doesn’t.
I don’t know why his opinion means so much more to me than the opinions of the friends I have who DO care.
Obviously I know better than to contact him, but the emotion is very intense.
Norma,
That’s a very clear and relatable issue … so the question there for DrL could be:
“Why does THEIR attention matter so much?”
I’m grappling with similar as I try to recover and reduce my chances of slipping into future LEs. Why that person and/or what they give? Why should that matter so much, when the same thing from another person would bounce off me?
Keep going by the way (again)! The reason for NC matters less than the fact of it for now.
Hi! I have successfully come out of a limerence episode that turned into an affair (he has a gf), no more intrusive thoughts or any kind of highs. Just a really bad taste in my mouth, guilt and shame. But my problem is that I can’t enjoy being in a very normal, loving and caring relationship anything like I enjoyed being with my LO. It’s nice when we are together, but I have dark thoughts when we are apart. Do I even feel anything for him? Am I lying to myself and him? I don’t want to be alone, I want to have a partner. But it’s hard.
I seem to be asking a lot of questions about No Contact, and I am sorry that I did not organize my thoughts better, maybe into one post.
I have been NC for sixteen days, and I am noticing that my primary motivation is fear. LO has lost his temper with me over minor things numerous times, and then has apologized profusely. This has had an effect on me over the last year. Maybe I wasn’t too bothered after the first couple of times, but I can see this is a pattern. I have a history of possible PTSD and cannot really handle being yelled at repeatedly, particularly if I have done nothing to deserve it.
So my question is, does it matter in the long run what the motivation for NC is? I would like to think I’m toughing it out with my amazing self-discipline, but I am really just hiding because I’m afraid.
@Norma
I’m going to weigh in here and say you are not hiding because you are afraid. You have been trying to, or at least considering, get out of this situation for a long time. The fear is normal. And the questioning of the fear is bargaining. Your brain, during withdrawal (and maybe beyond accute withdrawal) will probably come up with all sorts of questions, a maze-like bunch of what-ifs and fear, and guilt, that it is creating because it wants it’s THING. It wants its drug, and you are denying it it’s drug of choice (LO).
It’s like your brain will fight itself, will fight your will.
You do have self-discipline, and the brain hates self-discipline. Consider channeling the other part of you that loves yourself, and knows you are ultimately doing something healthy for yourself, to break this cycle.
Hopefully dr. L won’t delete this here – tho if he does (hi Dr. L!) i totally understand why!
To CSC:
Thank you for saying that, but I DO feel that I am hiding because I am afraid.
I don’t know if you remember my colonoscopy debacle from a couple of weeks ago, but I had to ask two different neighbors to drive me two separate days. When I saw LO, I told him, frankly, that I had toyed with asking him, but felt too intimidated. He was amused, and said, “Why? I would have taken you.” He sees himself as Sweet Guy, but I see him as Cranky Guy.
I don’t think he sees his irritability/yelling as a problem. I think he believes that, as long as he apologizes when he blows up, it’s all good.
The problem is that it has an erosion-type of effect on my nerves, and after our last meeting, where he called me “selfish” and “passive-aggressive,” it was too much for me.
well, @norma
if that is the case, you have answered your own question. a person that makes you afraid is a big red flag.
honestly, if he makes you that afraid, i’d wonder if he is actually an emotional abuser.
fear is a bedrock emotion, primal. if you truly feel afraid of lo, then honestly, you should not allow him anywhere near you.
even if there is no physical harm, your body and mind is telling you, with it’s fear, that he is to be avoided.
does that ring true?
i hate confrontation, but sometimes it’s necessary…your lo sounds like he goes for the jugular though. that is very different than a mature conversaion, that has a confrontational aspect, but is not meant to harm.
does what i’m saying resonate? am i anywhere near on track here?
with care,
csc
To CSC:
Yes, you are on track. I have to constantly ask myself if I am over-reacting. People who have stronger nervous systems (which I think is practically everyone) seem to be able to handle arguments/yelling better than I do. I tend to fall apart rather easily which is why I am not interested in dating. I simply cannot handle the drama.
Being “friends” with LO is the closest that I have come to a romance in over 20 years, and it reminds me why I should not be involved with anyone.
Here’s the thing…
Not dealing with underlying issues is like painting over the rust spot on a car. You can make it work but it never goes away. If you’re good, you can work around it but it’s always there. Mine was dormant for 20 years. And, then, the right woman, with the right glimmer, under the right circumstances came along and I went down a rabbit hole. She knocked me off the rails and she wasn’t even trying. I did it entirely to myself.
I carried baggage with me for decades. The one serendipitous event of my last LE was it got me in front of somebody who helped me clear all the baggage. That LE threatened my marriage and family for no reward. That’s when I knew I had to deal with things. I couldn’t risk another LE. I got out of the last one unscathed and the next one might not turn out as well.
It was difficult, painful, and came with risk. But, it was one of the best things that I ever did.
To JMMO:
I admire you for clearing out your baggage.
I doubt that I will be that fortunate. I have had therapy on and off over the years. The thing is, I am 72 and not looking for a partner. LO just turned up and smacked me unexpectedly. This type of experience is not normal for me.
I am hopeful that, once LO moves in September, this will not happen to me again.
Sorry, should have been addressed to L.E.
I notice that my computer tries writing things for me and I need to keep smacking it down.
I have a similar problem with being yelled at repeatedly. I don’t think it’s so much PTSD in my case—Why would anybody want to be yelled at? My husband does that now and then, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons I keep getting LE’s. It’s perfectly valid to say you don’t want to deal with that anymore and want to separate yourself from your LO for doing that to you.
To Serial Limerent:
Of course nobody wants to be yelled at, but some of us handle it better than others. I myself am very poor at handling it.
Sorry Dr. Tom for veering off-topic.
Hi! I think I’m out of limerence right now but I fear of relapses.
My problem is that my LO is manipulative. Like, really, really manipulative. He’s acting like we’re best pals (I’m a woman, I’m married and my LO is married). And I believed we are pals. But we aren’t. My LO is a close colleague. We were frank, telling each other that we do not want to quit our marriages. I do not really think my LO wants me, I think LO just flirts with people to get what he wants. (He’s a representative of our worker’s council. None of us can be fired because of the special nature of our jobs.) LO knows a lot of my secrets and I know a few of his secrets, so he really trusts me. My LO is some kind of dramatic, angry Rebel Rockstar King, very charismatic, very problematic, a very strange and powerful man. I’m jealous of LO’s freedom. I would never tell the big boss to be ashamed of himself. LO does.
LO and I work closely together (while we don’t really need to) and we enjoy talking to each other because my LO feels quite lonely after 90 % of the other colleagues turned their backs on him. They don’t want to spend time with some radical, problematic man. I’m not a radicalist but LO tries to turn me into a radicalist, a very strange and scary thing to watch. All of my positive signs are taken as politicial support (which they aren’t, I’m just friendly and want to work with him. I wanted a friendship, but that’s an other story). Talking to LO was a rush to me. Only my husband’s love could match the high. I know my LO for two years and the rush died down.
LO tells me I would do anything on my free will and he wouldn’t ask me for anything. Don’t be fooled, LO lies a lot and tries to manipulate everyone. When his charm doesn’t work out, LO applies pressure, even taking legal action against his politicial opponents. LO barely replies to my messages and doesn’t come to me, I always have to come to him to have a talk.
Last week, my shy, friendly and most loving husband of the universe took my phone, revealed himself and texted LO. My husband texted my LO to either leave me alone or to stop telling me his dark politicial stories because they would cause me pain. My husband was quite friendly, like really not insulting LO, but told my LO to mind his own business, told my LO to stop brainwashing people for his own gain and to stop putting himself above people. (It’s all true, but I still like my LO a lot.) My LO was so angry and even used his own wife who doesn’t really know me to apply pressure. “My wife is really angry…” His wife started screaming in the background when I had LO on the phone to reconcile with him. I do not really want to mess with a politician who knows my secrets. LO said my husband’s texts were really annoying and it would be my fault because I told my husband about what my LO and I were talking. (My biggest fear is to annoy people which was quite mean and… manipulative.)
I reconciled with LO on Friday and LO is motivated as ever to work with me, doing more for me as he ever did. I told LO my husband doesn’t want to fight him and we agreed to exclude my husband in our talks. Oh, that’s what LO really wants. Pushing his narratives without my husband who criticised him when I repeated from memory what LO said on the job.
I went low-contact and I’m reading a book on how to quit smoking with the help of self-hypnosis. I haven’t smoked a single cigarette in my life but the book helps me kicking my limerence. “Essentially, an addiction.”, Dr L said. Well. Wish me luck people.
I’m glad your husband is in your corner here. Is it possible to move to another department or even job? This person sounds like he can cause way too much stress for you now and in future. To be frank, he sounds like a narcissist, not the way it’s often used but somebody with an actual disorder who can really be dangerous. (I’m not a psychologist, BTW, just have read a lot about it.)
Thanks so much for your reply. Hmmm, changing jobs… I thought about it, but I really like my job and it would be really difficult because they do not really offer a lot of jobs or opportunities to move departments where I work. My (ex-)LO would love to change departments but they told him that he would never reach his leading position ever again 🙂
Experiencing my LO is not worth changing jobs. He will retire in spring 2029. I am 29 years his junior and plan to have children with my husband. As long as my LO thinks I would politically support him (which is easy to fake) and as long as I stay out of limerence, I see no stress or disaster ahead. LO got really calm around me, outright sleepy. My LO leaves me alone, I do not even have to ask him to. He rather leaves me alone on too many occasions. LO treats me like an adult, distant niece or goddaughter and both sides enjoy. I just need to talk to him once in a while to keep the relationship going and to keep him in new-chosen distance.
We reconciled, but LO leaves me blocked on WhatsApp, yay! Better that way.
Of course LO is suffering from some kind of disorder. Luckily, he cannot sue us for saying that as he doesn’t know, joking 🙂 I think he suffers from some kind of bitterness disorder as he told me that he’s bitter. 45 years into his job, LO had political and legal fights but would never do physical harm to anybody. I feel safe. If I didn’t feel save around him, he would never ever see me again.
I just participated in the blog post for more insights concerning manipulative LOs 🙂 Maybe someone else already encountered a similiar problem.
You know best what’s going on….It’s just that the things you wrote raised my eyebrows!
Where can I possibly start? LO is a colleague, quite a bit younger, and I have been unable to shake off these feelings for (deep breath) more than 15 years.
We are friends, she is very fond of me, we have kissed (drunkenly on work socials) aroundhalf a dozen times in this period.
Even more remarkable than the 15 years business is that she has been single for much of this time. Never finds the right guy.
This week however she told me she is now happily dating someone and it has knocked me senseless. I always saw my limerence as something I could manage… but I’m now typing this in pieces.
I’ve applied for other jobs simply because of her – but never quite got it over the line, and I love what I do!
I’m in my mid 50s now. Married with young adult children. I love my family dearly. But only retirement will free me from my feelings and that is still years away. It kills me. Every day.
Hello Phil
Our stories are similar ( in some ways )… close Friends, coworkers, for me a 30 yr age gap, I am married with kids
Differences –
NO kissing !!!!!!
LO is married too
Limerent about 7 or 8 months
15 years! wow, I am ready NOW for the LE to end!
My sympathy and empathy for ” being in pieces”… I think I understand the suffering.
Had time with my Friend yesterday, felt AWEFUL this morning… was crying and nerves all shot…. even tho I KNEW that I would get an hour alone on a walk this afternoon. Just got back, and am feeling MUCH better. But, NEVER enough time with her… even separating ( for me ) after the walk is pretty unpleasant.
From my LO’s perspective…we are just good friends, on her side. She knows that on MY side I am enthralled with her, and I have told her a few times that I love her as a friend. She is not upset by my saying that.
I also have considered leaving this job to get away from her… only way to go NC. LO knows I get upset without her, and need a dopamine hit from her. So I could just say I need to make a complete break, NC… but if I was still here… it would be Torture. I am dreading and also looking forward to he getting a job somewhere else.
” I’m in my mid 50s now. Married with young adult children. I love my family dearly. But only retirement will free me from my feelings and that is still years away. It kills me. Every day. ”
THIS!! We are Brothers and Sisters in pain, I think.
May I ask, Phil, if your wife knows? I was Leaking badly, and had to tell my wife about my Friend and Limerence. She is NOT happy, but is being supportive ( she is ok with my walks with my Friend, she knows it “stabilizes” me
Hey, thanks for replying and wow… it’s something at least to know we are not alone!
I talk about my LO at home as a normal friend and colleague. There was a period last year where I felt I was probably talking about her too much and I’ve now reined that in.
I’ve not spoken about the infatuation though. It would be totally destructive.
We do the walking thing too – and I know I mean a great deal to my LO. She finds me attractive, we flirt. She even got a bit jealous on a night out last year when another colleague showed an interest. Mainly we just make each other laugh and it *feels* like a great friendship.
But of course, I’m totally kidding myself. I yearn for so much more, I fantasise about it, allow intrusive thoughts to dominate, and wallow in self pity. It’s a madness. All so foolish.
She knows how I feel but I’ve kept a lid on it for a few years and we don’t have any awkward conversations now. It just burns inside me instead.
We chat on Teams – she often calls and we just shoot the breeze. The buzz is wild when she calls. Wild. She gets something from me that she doesn’t get from anyone else. I see that. But we want very different things from our ‘relationship’. That much has always been obvious.
And yet… and yet. I would never break up my family, I would never leave – so what on earth am I actually looking for?
A while back I joked with my LO that I wish we’d had a relationship 15 years ago just so we could have grown weary of each and moved on. Instead I am not an inch further forward.
Not one inch.
Phil…
So much of what you wrote here is familiar to me.
How long have you been going on walks? Are these walks just you and her? ( If so…. don’t they feel GREAT… alone time with my Friend… sigh! )
I think she enjoys my company, and would miss our walks if we stopped. But… like you, I am kidding myself, and I also want MORE from her… like to be with her 24/7! We had a nice walk today, cut a bit short, and then spent 15 or 20 minutes at my desk chatting more about her home and family ( another sigh! )…. never enough of her, I cannot imagine getting sick of being around her ( yes, she is just a normal person and has flaws, and I think I know most or all of them by now )
” The buzz is wild when she calls. Wild. ” Agreed.
” She gets something from me that she doesn’t get from anyone else. I see that. ” I might be fooling myself… but I think the same… I think I fill her need for a safe, simple, non-threatening as it were, male friend… who she KNOWS adores her, and would never hurt her.
On our walks… I am her protector ( self appointed ) against dogs, odd people, and traffic… I am constantly watching out for her, and frequently gently “reposition” her as we walk, so as to be between her and “danger”… she accepts this happily it seems. Today I get to add “doors” to the danger list, she hurt her arm leaving the building when it closed against her, hitting her elbow hard.
You say 15 years??? I cannot do 15 years of this. I had an awful morning, suffering bad thinking she had shared her lunch with another male coworker ( she hadnt, I was wrong ) but I am very jealous and possessive of her, with any other males ( besides her husband ).
I am actively seeking a counsellor so see regarding this… it had been a horrible painful week ( EXCEPT when with my Friend )
MY wife is amazingly supportive to me… I am a lucky man
Looking at the various comments, my situation seems to be an out-lyer in the limerent universe, of which I definitely feel part. My experience is truly “living with limerence”, rather than trying to get free of it.
I am now 70, and was first aware of what I would identify as a LE when I was 8 or 9.
Over the last few days I’ve done a count, and can name or describe at least 125 different LOs – often in parallel, rather than series, lasting the time of an encounter or decades. Thus the result of being limerent has been a much more drawn-out experience than those often described. It’s effect may have been catastrophic, with some of the LEs, but it is a chronic condition, and I have long recognised it as a major problem in my life. Having tried all sorts, the coping mechanisms I have developed have not been so much about stopping it, but accomodating / managing it. From early on, I recognised that these attractions were dangerous, and so I have also developed an avoiding ? attachement style.
Having only recently discovered “limerence”, I am still processing how it effects my perception of… the last 63 years. The question, then, is what life might have been / be without its being so ubiquitous, and how can the shared insights of a blog like this help a long-term user.
@Gulliver
Me too. I recognize myself in your comment. I am just commenting, Dr. L, to underline what @Gulliver is saying so effectively.
I have an avoidant style as well, if I am in any committed relationship. And, when I am in a committed relationship, actual sexual desire has been absent.
It seems being sexually attracted to someone is way too dangerous for me. It turns, always, into limerence. And, into torture. Even if the feelings are reciprocal, I am so out of my mind, I cannot maintain the relationship in a normal way, and it ends.
So, I have never been in a committed relationship, and may never be, where my desire is alive and included.
It is sad, but there it is. And @Gulliver, I have made those choices in my own life. I do not know how I ever would do anything differently. I believe I may just be “made this way”…I do not know. I have tried. Never succeeded.
csc
Thanks, CSC, for this. Throws light onto my looking at my owntrajectory. This other facet of limerence : That, rather than Limerence possibly being the beginning of a deeper, stable commited relationship, it acts as a blocker to anything like that. Repeatedly falling for the wrong people,- or at least in the wrong way, means that it is v. difficult to know how it would be to take a more stable path.
Hi @Gulliver
Yes, I am starting to look seriously at my own trajectory, so thank you for saying that. 🙂
It does— it does act as a blocker, a deterrent, for me. But, I don’t see it as “falling for the wrong people”. I see it as…that I am wrong.
I see that I am seeing others in the wrong light. I am seeing…something that is not there.
And more and more, I am starting to think, there is no “right” person, no person who is going to fix what I am, to myself. And I am looking to “love” as if it could solve something deeper, within.
I am not sure. But…yes, this is something I am really wrestling with, trying to get acquainted with. I have just come out of a truly horrible limerent episode…one so painful it dwarfed several others that happened prior…
And I am older now, and wondering how I can stop this pattern. It truly is a pattern. But — knowing it is a pattern is the beginning of awareness…
anyway no, you are not alone in how you feel, nor in how being this way has been a force in your life. several of us here are working with this…
I am very much hoping Dr. L will speak to it — or, that he could direct us to resources around it.
To me, therapy is one course, but sometimes, just talking about it is not enough. So…yoga, breath-work, etc. are coming in handy to anchor my therapy. I am seeing some progress…but it is slow, and difficult…and not an “answer”…more like a method to be with this difficult aspect of myself.
with care,
🙂 csc
csc,
You sound like you’re sustaining progress 😊💪
To cut in with a quick penny thought here:
“and not an “answer”…more like a method to be with this difficult aspect of myself.”
I’m not convinced they are two different things. There is never going to be a quick ‘switch flick’ answer, is there? So maybe the learning to be with it creates the fertile soil necessary for the answers to grow organically?
(Just some musings from down on the farm there)
Hi LaR
🙂
Thank you…yes, i am sustaining it. but, it’s hard. my trajectory is really wobbly right now. lots of “turbulence” as i am seeing it. i’m not quite sure how i will face it, or handle it.
i am, i think, now getting down to the root of what has caused, really caused, all of this. my tendency. i am becoming very, very mindful of it. it’s frightening because it might mean some big changes in my life, and becoming someone i think i have always been…i guess…afraid of becoming? maybe becoming someone i actually have no idea how to be.
it is overwhelming, and i am putting one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, and trying to give myself grace.
it’s kind of…i guess moving beyond limerence, and into the thing that is the Reason For Limerence….
thank you for your supportive words. how is your rehab going? i posted to jmmo in the newest coffeehouse – so if you reply, feel free to do so there. i know this space is for limerent-oriented questions :))
sending you good vibes, LaR x
csc
I am a homosexual & I develop limerance for my close male friends. I’ve fallen in love about 3-4 times in life with a close best friend (who is always straight). Currently, I’m limerent (in love) with a close friend who I hang out with regularly.
It’s very rare to find friends in life you connect with & feel good around; the prospect of cutting off someone like that feels mightmarish; a close friend can feel like a blessing but having to give up such a blessing just bcoz they’ve become an LO (by cutting off contact as suggested by Dr. L) feels so wrong. Plus, as a homosexual man with a tendency to develop emotional attachment to “good decent guys”, will I always spend my life running from forming close bonds with male friends? Can I never enjoy life-long magical friendship (bcoz I just happen to feel the right friendship with attractive individuals :sob:)
To get back to the topic of the post:
I guess what troubled me most during limerence were,
1. how to get out of the expectation-reward circle, getting hooked on LO as a source of validation and good feelings
2. is it possible to maintain a connection/friendship to LO without letting limerence destroy it completely
2a. how to stay able to see LO with neutral eyes and not vilify or glorify them
3. is limerence really all bad and no-no, because I had such magical moments and periods of feeling wholly alive, also there seems to be a genuine love for life and a person buried somewhere between the egotistical desire, at least for me, that didn’t feel good to get suppressed.
Following from that, is it really healthy to cut everything off and deny it? or is it more of a very long work and drudgery to get rid of some stuff but keep some stuff, that’s best for my psyche? but can the last one really be done by a human being, without help of circumstances (LO moving away, getting an SO etcetc)?
Cutting off a person with no contact etc just feels very much like denial and repression to me, since my LOs always were kind of friends and/or colleagues. Is it really the best solution, I’m not sure of that after my three LEs.
4. and, after limerence, how to center my life around other things again without the feeling of settling for less emotion and feeling-alive.
Hi Mila – apologies for meandering off topic with more general woes, and your questions really resonate.
In my years and years-long infatuation we have previously had periods of (enforced) next-to-NC, despite some of the work based impracticalities.
Honestly? I utterly hated it, it felt contrived and it solved nothing. My sense is it has to be absolutely 100% TOTAL – as if they no longer existed – or it just won’t work.
I’m going through an incredibly painful spell because LO is now dating happily and the intrusive thoughts, knots in stomach, early-waking is unbearable. If she no longer existed in my life in any way then I would probably be none the wiser and calmer.
But we work together, social media is tangly, and as I’ve said elsewhere on this page, retirement (eight years away maybe?) feels like the only likely release.
The only other comparable experience I’ve had was at uni 30 years ago. No social media, which helped enormously of course and so graduation meant we all but lost contact entirely. And I moved on.
Are these answers? I don’t know. But my gut feeling is that contrived NC in this ‘day and age’ is incredibly difficult to both pull off and have peace with.
Phil….
I would NOT like “next to NC ” option …. sounds like Torture if I still see her at work. If I could not interact with her…. shudders!
I prefer my current “controlled” LC. Although how much of an LC it is , is all relative… today a good morning chat message, chatted nicely at the coffee station, went to her desk for a work related issue, and we are having our usual alone time walk.
Your LO dating sounds painful… at least I don’t seem to have any issue with my Friend being happily married. However, I cannot stand seeing my Friend being too close to any male colleagues… drives me crazy.
And I think that yes, we are in a difficult time in history to be Limerent… cell phones, chat apps, messaging, Instagram and Facebook. They all “feed the flames”. Myself, I have been controlling how much I look at her IG postings… and trying ( and failing ) to limit my texting her
As a weird aside… my wife suggested I tape the chats I have with my Friend on the walks, and listen back on them to reduce my stress when I cannot see my Friend… I get pretty upset when that happens. However, I don’t think I will record them… that would seem like an invasion of privacy for my Friend.
Really, for me personally… texting and messaging are EVIL, and greatly affect my moods. I have cut them back a LOT… no after work chats or weekend chats, etc. And I think, if we were back in the days before messaging was common, I might NEVER have become Limerent for her. Although I still became Limerent 25 yrs ago for someone else… so… still happens.
There’s something I’d like explored Dr. L that doesn’t come up much but has definately been a part of my latest (and worst) LE. Mine went so far as a full on affair for 12 months. My LO colleague clearly liked me but kept the messages very mixed until we slowly admitted how much we liked each other. Until that point my limerence was awful, I couldn’t bare seeing her getting attention from other male colleagues and my mind was crazy trying to work out if she liked me or not. How she acted towards me and any contact controlled my mood completely.
However once I had reciprocation and we started an affair she was at least as obsessed with me, probably more so. For the 12 months of the affair I had no limerence, I knew how much she liked me and if anything I backed off. No jealousy etc. just contentment. I feared she was too keen often.
However once the affair ended and she decided we could only be friends (because she realised I was never going to leave me family for her) the limerence started again and has been back with a vengence ever since.
She is very clear she wants us to be friends but there has still been plenty of mixed messages showing how she still has feelings for me one day then putting up very cold and strict boundaries the next. We’ve slept together twice in the time since the affair ended and there’s been plenty of times when my chasing her for affection has ended with undoubted reciprocation again. Lately that is less and less the case though as she’s successfully completing her mission to detach and be friends only. So naturally my anxiety and depression are in full swing.
My observation though is any time there is genuine and definite reciprocation from her I go from desperate desire for her and a feeling I would give up my family and home to be together, to almost an indifference and certainly no desire to blow up my life. It’s cruel really, trying to string her along to get the high of reciprocation knowing it’s clearly not real love and i’m using her like a drug!
So in a horrible twist I’ve found an instant cure for limerence: reciprocation. Unfortunatley if they don’t play ball you will stay limerent for them forever chasing it.
That does sound like a Horrible cure! And one doomed to failure, and to destroy families.
I will pass 🙂
My biggest problem is that I have only had the one LO. While it has helped immensely to find this site and learn that there is a name for this condition and that there are others who have experienced it, I am nonetheless having difficulty disabusing myself of the belief that my LO, the one and only in my nearly sixty years, is just not that special. If he’s not, then why haven’t there been more? And if he is, well, that’s tragic. I am trying to be the hero of my own story and lead a life of purpose that is not in any way dependent on anything to do with him, but my mind returns repeatedly to this question.
To Impatient Limerent:
You bring up a great question. If LO isn’t special, why do we feel the way we do? If we were more superstitious, who knows what kinds of stories we’d tell ourselves?
to cut to the chase…. my biggest LE problems are –
1) my LO is a good friend… LC is not possible
2) Limerence HURTS
3)Limerence is actually damaging my mind, destroying it
and…
4) I have no one I can talk to about this…. not friends, certainly not co-workers, not LO ( whom I have talked to regarding many many things, and LO already knows I am addicted to her and adore her… she does NOT know I suffer without her ), and my lovely wife is NOT wanting to hear in detail how I suffer LO “withdrawal” altho she KNOWS I need to be with LO for our daily walks
You all have been a great source for me, appreciated very much.
I really think I need to see a Therapist / Counsellor
I know this has been mentioned before, but I can’t find it now.
I am maintaining NC okay, but I can’t stop ruminating about him. I remind myself constantly about LO’s negative qualities, which keep me from texting him, which is great. However, I can’t stop thinking about him.
I try distracting myself, with very limited success. No matter how displeased I am with him, the thoughts won’t go away.
Many of us go through a phase where it’s an ongoing struggle.
You do whatever you can to muscle through. But, if you can hold out long enough, it should get better.
You measure success in minutes, then hours, then days, then weeks, then months.
LO #2 and LO #4 still pop up with annoying regularity but now it’s in the context of “What was I thinking?
You didn’t get into this overnight and you won’t get out of it overnight.
Keep grinding!
Thank you, dear L.E. Your encouragement means so much to me.
Note: Off topic conversation moved to latest coffeehouse.