As teased in the last post, I’ve finally got around to setting up a YouTube channel and posting my first video.
It’s a super quick and simple channel intro, but the main thing is that it’s happened.
Check it out here:
I’ve gone with my name as the channel identity, as I’m going to be posting videos that go beyond the core content about limerence into the psychology of habits, purposeful living, relationships and various other topics that have a neuroscience element. I figure using my name gives me licence to talk about anything I’m interested in.
On that principle, if anyone has suggestions for topics that would be worth covering, please let me know in the comments. In the last post, “Suspiciously Anonymous” suggested Twin Flames, and that seems like a promising idea. All suggestions welcomed, to add to the pipeline.
Finally, please also feel free to give me feedback on video production quality and presentation style. I’m thick-skinned, so any constructive criticism is welcomed!
In other news, friend of the blog (and fellow YouTuber) Fenna was recently featured on the “What was that like?” podcast.
You can listen to the episode here:
Congradulations Dr L.
You were my inspiration to start my You Tube channel, Following Fenna.
Years ago there was not that much out there besides your super helpfull website.
I could not have walked away and get out of limerence without your website your research and support system.
Thank you and I can’t wait to combine our knowledge in the future.
Very interesting story on the whatwasthatlike podcast!
Couple of comments – interesting you mention that there is an attachment problem in the other person as well – how so? There are cases of limerence where the LO obviously exploits the limerent’s obsession and dependence. But there are the “good” LOs who want to help and that, even when you disclose to them, continue to be in contact. If I understand you correctly, if they didn’t have attachment issues, they would shut out the LO out of compassion. Is maintaining contact from the LOs side a sign they may have some insecurity and need to be validated maybe ?
I also was surprised you mentioned finding a therapist that knows about attachment and trauma – which makes me wonder, what attachment issues have you identified in yourself? And why not. A therapist that knows about addiction?
I follow Fenna on youtube for last 2 years. She is great! So glad to see the 2 of you cross paths on the subject of Limerence. Look forward to more collaborations!
DrL,
Congrats on beating the procrastination and the camera awkwardness for your first foray into video making!
If I were you I think go back to the beginnings of your blog, and the articles you identified as key readings, for topics. The Glimmer, The Two Tribes and the limerence diagram (red, green, black routes or similar) that you had would seem like good starts. This is where I started when I came to the blog – reading all the old posts as they seemed most relevant.
But I’d mix all that with some of the purposeful living stuff – related to that topic each time – that more came later. You always have this balance anyway, but you need a balance between not being enabling of limerence (purposeful living) and not being too down on it either* The earlier blogs are arguably more gentle and curious about limerence, the later ones more geared at PL and defeating it. A combo seems good.
* I say that because those who discover your channel, like your blog, are likely to be in limerence at the time and will therefore really need this balance to ‘accept’ the PL side.
If you make PL and even ‘healthy love as well as limerence’ a theme, that could work. Set that tone early on. Sort of – Glimmers can be good or bad things depending on the timing and person … here is what to do in both events, here is how to recognise a glimmer and deal with it purposefully depending if it is or isn’t a healthy time / person to have glimmer for, etc.
I rushed this post as I have to go out and will have no more time to comment today – but didn’t want to forget it. Hopefully you will get my gist even if it is not my best ever worded comment.
Also I think debate other people in longer form on the channel, a bit like that podcast you were in but even more of a 2 way debate than that one. That could attract audiences.
Good luck! Look forward to seeing how it goes.
DR L, an idea would be to explore if different intensities of limerence exist. For example, in mutual limerance with or without barriers, does there exist different levels of limerence that people exhibit? Does this lead to further turmoil when it’s mismatched despite being each other’s LO?
Thanks for all you do!
Looks like a good start to me Dr. Tom.
I’ll be looking forward to upcoming videos, as this condition continues to baffle and amaze me. How I wish it was an easy fix or I had the common sense to learn from my mistakes.
I appreciate what you do and excited to be able to pre-order the book, here in the States next year. Thank you again and keep up the good work.
Dr L,
It’s very integrating and settling to see your face talking words and concepts I’ve heard in my head a thousand times over, before you came out of LwL.
As one of your “ghost” wards, I’m still enjoying running around invisibly under your nose with my fellow ghost friends (GFs), “messing up” LwL town with all sort of ramblings or rants.
I agree with LaR to adding more sympathetic and empathetic tones to limerents, majority of whom have suffered or are still suffering in the darkness the probably toughest “addiction” of humanity, without any knowledge or choices. I envision your channel like a bright torch, guiding thousands limerents out there with profound insight, compassion, understanding, hope, direction and treatment skills.
Best wishes for your launched Channel! (I’ll keep clicking on it to increase the reading rate.)
I loved the video, Dr L!
Forgive me, I have one complaint…
November?!? Why do we have to wait until November to get our hands on your book? April is a long enough wait. There, I’ve said it. Sorry to be a complainer.
Here is what I liked about your video: it was concise and informative. The background makes sense because you’re a scientist (at first I thought it was too busy, then I remembered that an abundance of books makes sense in this setting). My favorite part is your beautiful accent! I love it!
I would like to see some short clips with clear definitions of things like
What is an emotional affair?
What are the symptoms limerence?
How is limerence different than a crush or infatuation?
When has my crush become a problem?
I’m looking forward to more videos.
I hear you about the Nov launch date, Lovisa. Traditional publishing works on very long lead times…
Enjoyed your YouTube intro! You come off as kind and humble and knowledgeable.
How about a wee bit of intro music and graphics? Too slick?
Looking forward to your book…I’m sure it will be fascinating and insightful and amusing!
Congrats on all of this….
Good question about the music, Jaideaux. I prefer without, but a lot of the channels I follow (and admire) do use low level background music.
What do other people think?
I think a theme song for the video to set mood would be appropriate. You could do a different one at the end.
Just watch out for copyright violations.
You could farm that task out.
Hi Dr L,
I finally came round to watch the video, congratulations! The element that kept me here were your non-judging approach and not breaking everything down to a simple solution-system but acknowledging that it’s complex and every individual is different, and that’s why I love your kind and humble attitude.
Having said that, I would avoid coming over too humble in the first videos („making it up as I go“ was a tad too apologetic for me)-. You know a lot and can give a lot to people, and desperate limerents are looking for guidance.
I agree with Mila. You are always well researched and well prepared so the “making it up as I go” reference might be regarding the direction the channel will take, but nevertheless you are the DOCTOR 🙂 and we all trust you to help countless more limerents moving forward.
Thirded.
Me, fourth!
Thanks All. Consensus on that! I had meant it as making up the delivery/style/topics as I go along, not the content, but good to hear how it landed.
Hey Dr. L,
Thanks! Have you had the chance to see the netflix documentary yet?
On more or less the same vein (as twin flame) I have a sort of commentary/critic: I think it should be less difficult for someone in the thralls of limerence, but with no idea of the term and who doesn’t now what’s happening to them, to end up on your youtube channel or on your blog. I myself found the term limerence on wikipedia and found your blog looking further into this concept, but I had looked everywhere for what was happening to me before. Because I tend to look for a scientific explanation, the route I took ended up on your blog; if I had a more spiritual or romantic approach I might have looked for soulmates and ended up on the twin flames stuff (especially as this is not a frequent occurence for me).
So I think would be important to try and go around what people might search for frome the point of view of someone in LE and do a sort of “Are you feeling like this – this might be limerence” video. Bring more people home.
Also, I’m the crazy singer who wrote to you by DM a few months ago 🙂 so I definitly think there is something going on with oxytocin and dopamin levels (and dopamin depletion outside of LO’s presence) as food complement with tyrosin seem to help, but it sound like a potential topic for a much later video.
Good luck on your youtube endeavours !
Dr. L
Well done on this big step into YouTube.
What can I add to hopefully help you ?
here goes :
– I agree with some previous comments to revisit the basics initially for the first videos; the definitions, the glimmer, the phases of limerence, tipping points, the limerent is not crazy and they are not alone, that it’s a thing and timelines it could last . The things people are initially seeking help on.
– You need to carve your own space versus Fenna, Marios Georgiou etc which I am sure you can easily do by applying neuroscience as the basis and your own style.
I suggest to do so with utter confidence and aplomb. The fact you are new to YT should not detract from your knowledge, experience and accomplishments. Big up your no. of years qualified, lecturing, published author, LwL for X no.of years, and Y no. blog posts, Z no. visits/comments etc.
You gotta big yourself up so people know you are genuinely real – it’s not being vain!
– I would suggest to really elevate your science academia accomplishments to differentiate.
– When presenting, think that the person who is watching and listening is one individual or a collection of us lot of limerent individuals.
Then you can’t go wrong.
– On a practical/aesthetic note I suggest to maybe invest in a ring light so your face is evenly lit from the front regardless of dim/uneven winter light. Again it’s not vain, one needs to embrace these things I’m afraid.
– I’m not a big fan of musical intros , especially as you are approaching as a scientist, but a unique and consistent intro. would be good. ( Refer to Mel Robbins ? Or look to others that feel right for you ).
Also to add a written caption on each video so people can quicky identify before they click to view.
– Don’t ask people to subscribe to your channel every 2 minutes 😂 you wouldn’t do that I’m sure…
Best wishes with it all,
Imho
Hi Imho, FrenchTart here, you may remember me from the one comment I ever posted in spite of being a regular visitor of this sanity saving site. I posted on 10th of May in the blog coffeehouse-beating-limerence-when-no-contact-is-impossible. You kindly responded and your words were very comforting, among which: ‘Feel free to keep posting here if you need support from those who understand’. Well, I have been feeling the need to share for the past 2 weeks now and have kept looking for the right blog to come along as they usually do without fail but as luck would have it, it doesn’t fit at the moment as it’s all about Dr L’s new ventures (not a criticism, just a state of fact). Do you have any suggestion as to where to post without my post getting lost either because not on theme or posted in a blog which is too old? Sounds like you’re an old hand at this site so I thought I’d steal Dr L’s thunder for a second and ask. Hope it’s okay, thanks.
FrenchTart
The most recent of the Coffeehouse series blog posts are good for whatever you want to talk about. Dr. L always keeps one open. When he posts a new one he closes the older one. But there is always at least one open.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/coffeehouse-demoralisation-and-despair/
Hello French Tart,
I am glad you find some sanity saving advice on LwL and my comment was helpful. So many help me here too.
As Adam advises to use the latest Coffeehouse blog.
just scroll (a lot of scrolling on this one as it’s very active ) to ‘leave a reply’.
And if you scroll down the homepage you will see ‘Latest comments’ to help you see recent comments/ replies.
We expect a brand new coffeehouse blog will be opened tomorrow morning Europe time by Dr. L.
See you in the coffeehouse for a chat.
Hi Dr. L,
Just posting to let you know I tuned into your “What is Limerence?” YT video. The video came up as the thirtieth (30th) video YT showed me yesterday when I typed “limerence” into search. Initially, your video didn’t show up at all because I had misspelled limerence. (Don’t believe the hype that all limerents are evil geniuses or unusually clever people. It’s not true – we’re actually kind of hopeless. LOL).
I really liked the fact you used the term “love intoxication” at the start of the video and later on explained how neuroscientists would understand limerence as a form of “intoxication”. I thought that was a really good judgement call.
I enjoyed hearing the story of Dorothy Tennov and Helen Payne’s exchange on plane retold, even though I’d already read it in the 1999 edition of Tennov’s book.
I enjoyed hearing quotes from other limerents about what limerence was for them e.g. the euphoria, the shame, the highs, the lows, all these different emotions rolled into one. It was quite validating to hear informants describe limerence as a state of emotional overwhelm, with one’s feelings all over the place.
I think perhaps the most valuable part of the video came at the end when you explained what limerence is not. For example, some limerents might feel very troubled (and possibly ashamed) because they’re worried their current condition might in some way resemble stalking, or lead to stalking, and I think you did a good job of explaining the difference – especially the difference in motivations between people who are experiencing limerence and people who stalk.
You’re handling a very difficult and potentially explosive topic in an extremely skilled and measured way. I like your slightly down-to-earth approach. 👍
Excellent video! Love it! Can’t wait for more!
💙
Dr. L,
I watched the video you did on “The Five Phases of Limerence” and wanted to tell you I was very impressed, content-wise. I don’t think I could have improved on your selection of content. I felt like you were talking about my own life despite not knowing me, because limerence is known to unfold in a more or less predictable pattern for everyone (who takes a passive approach to recovery).
I think you covered your talking points in enough detail, and yet the video flowed very smoothly. Your last video (on the definition of limerence) maybe felt a little stilted and “too scholarly” in places, but I don’t think that was the case this time. You’re either a natural in front of the camera or you’re good at editing your work. You had my attention the whole time. You didn’t rush. You didn’t get bogged down in description. In a very English way, you even managed to squeeze in a flow chart without completely alienating your viewers. Hahaha!
More of your natural charisma shone through in this video, which heightens the enjoyment one gets from listening to you. Honestly, you’re doing great. 🙂
Thanks, Sammy. That’s great to hear.
I feel like I’m in a new period of supercharged learning, which is exciting. I’m experimenting with the approach as I go, and finding my way in a new mode of expression. It’s fun!
Dr L, I’m so sorry to say this, but was that a high-backed chair behind you in “The Five Phases of Limerence?” It was driving me nuts. I couldn’t stop wondering if your shoulders are crooked. I’m so sorry. Please consider wearing a lighter color or sit on a stool instead. I had to set my phone down so that I couldn’t see the screen because I just couldn’t stop worrying that there’s something wrong with your shoulder. The content of the video was great! I love love love the background lighting and pictures! I’m really sorry to bring this up.
No need to apologise, Lovisa!
Yes it is a wing-back chair, and it annoyed me too when I was editing the video. In earlier ones it was hidden behind me, but apparently this time I wasn’t sitting straight and one wing was showing.
I’ll try to find a way to mask it in future, but space is very limited in my new office/recording room!
My shoulders might also be crooked, btw 🙂
I enjoyed the Five Phases of Limerence video, too. I can refer anyone to it who wants to try to understand what I went through!
I feel like my experience with mutual disclosure landed me in a funky spot in the limerence flow chart — but maybe it’s just another “hell” of uncertainty. Before I knew anything about the “glimmer” or even the term limerence, we both disclosed that we liked eachother (but I was married and he was in a long-term relationship at the time). So, it was like, what now?
Honestly, I was just trying to figure out what was going on, not knowing that disclosing would actually make things worse! So we both reciprocated in a way, but were unable to make an actual relationship happen because of our social barriers. So that landed me in the whole painful cycle rather than the “limerence never happens” cycle. His continually giving me compliments on my physical attributes made me think he wanted something more emotionally and relationally, when in hindsight he was probably just interested in me sexually.
Anyway, at least now I have learned that I can cut off limerence at the “glimmer” phase with hard work, denying my “flesh” and denying the connections that want to happen with my limerent brain. These are very handy tools for a recovering limerent who wants to form healthy bonds with men, and not the unhealthy bonds of limerence.
💙