Just a quick update post this week, as I’ve been doing a lot of outreach.
Here is the latest news…
This week’s YouTube video revisits the classic question of why you can’t get over your crush.
I currently have a cold, which is why my voice is a bit croaky.
I was also experimenting with a new camera as a second angle shot to add a bit of variety, but clearly need to work on color balancing skills. In my defence it looked fine on the tiny screen of the camera and it wasn’t until I’d finished and downloaded it that it turned out to be a garish bleached-out mess.
As a side note, if anyone in the comments section is a freelance video editor, or knows a freelance video editor, I’m looking to hire…
Podcasting
I also recently had a great chat with Jess Leondiou at the Make your Mind podcast about love and limerence, and some of my own adventures therein:
Jess is a big proponent of the value of writing – specifically journalling – for self-development and purposeful living. She has some lovely journalling tools on offer at https://www.archleys.com/ too.
Red magazine
Finally, I also had a splash in the March edition of the magazine Red. Surprisingly, they didn’t want my opinion on fashion and lifestyle, it was actually all about limerence and my forthcoming book, Smitten.
It was a curious experience, as the editor interviewed me and read the book, but then put together the article in the first person based on those sources. It’s weird reading your own words but organised by someone else – kind of like overhearing a friend describe something you said to another person.
Not bad, but slightly disorienting.
That’s it for now. More to come on the publicity front soon, as I’m ramping up for the launch of Smitten in the UK on April 8th. I’ll try not to be too tiresome about it all!
Dr L,
I want to apologize that I cannot comment on your videos because I have a strange reluctance to watch them as if they could pull me back into limerence. It’s ridiculous but cannot overcome it, it’s like a superstitious fear.
I‘m sure they are marvelous and helpful!
It’s a pity about them not being interested in your fashion and lifestyle hacks, though, that might just have managed to make me overcome my resistance..
@Mila.
I understand your reluctance to watch Dr. L’s videos on limerence, lest they cause you to spiral emotionally. Limerence can sometimes leave one with “residual feelings of anxiety”, even if one feels that one is doing so much better overall. Perhaps at some point in the future when you feel genuinely secure in your recovery journey you might like to check out a few just for the experience? 🙂
I can confirm for the benefit of other readers that the material Dr. L covers in his videos is fairly general in nature, nothing too personal, nothing that hits too close to home, nothing likely to bring up painful emotions in the average listener. Comforting vibes but still solidly academic. Nerdy and fun at the same time…
For people who feel really vulnerable but want to watch a video and feel “babied”, I’d actually recommend the work of several female You-Tubers addressing limerence. Of course, Fenna Van Den Berg’s name (from Following Fenna) has already come up. I think Fenna has a very gentle approach. There’s also a woman named Doctor Becky Spelman. She only has a couple videos on limerence, as she mostly deals with other topics. But she has a very soothing voice and presence. I.e. if you watch Doctor Spelman’s short video “How to spot of the early signs of limerence”, you’re definitely not going to walk away feeling judged. 🙂
@Mila,
I’m an audio and video learner, with strong helpless “irrational” intuition, so coaching/advising with presence and voice has far more effects on me. If I don’t feel initial (also 2nd/3rd time) “click” with presenters — their sensitivity, passion, easiness, etc, forget about whatever they want to say with whatever words…
Now after falling to the lowest low of LE and rising up, I rewatch Dr L’s “Is limerence always bad”— https://youtu.be/LNKQvUKVPAA?si=6PFK_NHj7JQnliqm to power my wings 🪽. I’ve gone through both the heaven and hell, now am making efforts in staying a bit higher than the Earthly ground, and of course, lower than the heaven (hard to reach that level again once out of LE). With some of the Stoic mindset, it’s working well.
I prefer Dr L’s video clips much better (in general follow energetic, passionate, and sensible male presenters/voices in YT). His approach is scientifically informative (love those charts), psychologically insightful (some of us here and I have experienced), empathetic, and very encouraging for our recover and renewal.
Dr L: I feel the one-line punch (usually in black small print) between clips could last a bit longer, not only for ESL speakers like me (sometimes had to rewind several times to see what it is said), but for an emphasis — short phrases and one-line sentences stay much longer in viewers’ mind.
Hi Sammy and Snow,
thanks, I‘m absolutely sure Dr Ls videos are on point, empathetic and intelligent.
I‘m at a point where I find myself free of limerence, but not yet very stable in this state, and I have some kind of superstitious aversion to occupy myself too much with the obsessive states of limerence, I know them too well and I do have a fear to get sucked back. So I’m not yet at a point where I could leisurely watch descriptions and explanations.
At some point I‘ll be able to watch and enjoy and learn, but at the moment I try to stay away from these topics a bit.
Mila,
I understand your concerns. I was/not trying to convince you to watch Dr L’s video clips, just to give my feedback after watching those LE topic videos presentations.
Also, I wish that one-sentence punch line flash slower; when I pause the video, YT’ “forward, rewind, and pause” buttons also block some key words in that punch line. So I still can’t read them in one shot before playing 2-3 times.
For me personally, with much gained LE awareness I find it difficult to even make glimmer last a bit longer. With Romeo, it last 1 month; with curio Joe, one week— last two times when I saw him in distance, he looked so ordinary, no more a walking painting of classical portrait.
I have a couple of comments. I don’t feel I can identify with a lot of the material in the video, or maybe I am just not understanding it. I knew right up front that my LO is gay. I told him first thing that I had a crush on him, and that if it made him uncomfortable, maybe we shouldn’t fraternize. Oddly, he said he was flattered, and that he was fine with it. I learned something from the book, “Living With Limerence,” regarding Attachment Styles (Part 3). I identified LO as Dismissive/Avoidant, which was very helpful. He certainly doesn’t encourage me or take advantage in any way. I don’t need a lot from the relationship since I am older, and was not looking for a partner.
I have been making it work for two years now. However, I recently attempted to go No Contact simply because he takes up too much time in my head, and I get annoyed with his lack of effort. It’s not going too well. I ran into him yesterday at Starbucks, and it set me backward.
I can relate to most of it. (Yes, I’m still kicking about.)
Attachment to LO is still strong and I keep reminding myself that I can’t be an authentic friend. It’s just so hard when I really want to be friends. He never wants to meet up though. We speak about every 6 weeks online and a few messages in-between. It’s a very superficial friendship yet he’s one of my favourite people and I feel I can share anything (apart from the fact that I’m madly infatuated of course). Current thinking- might try and give it up for lent. NC no contact rather than no chocolate. Millionth time’s the charm.
Anyway. Enjoying the videos. Thanks for including them in the post rather than redirecting via a link. I’m still incognito.
I’m trying to be more purposeful and linking my decision making to my values and whether I want to do something for good reason, not because I want to talk to LO about it. I also want to start journalling, to get my thoughts out but to also track progress because there definitely has been some over the past 2 years, even if I’m not out of the woods yet.
Hi Whoomp,
good to hear from you! I wish you the best for your lent plans💪🏻
Lent/official NC start date day1 – LO sees me talking to his colleague online, sends me a message about arranging a time to catch up. Not wanting to be rude and in keeping with my responsive nature I reply and then … nothing. No reply back from LO. Flakiness is common but I now feel sad…again! What a rubbish cycle. Part of me wants to ask him not to contact me again. Seems dramatic though. Push through this current sting and then just hopefully drift.
I am having a terrible time. I have been attempting No Contact, but I live very near LO and run into him periodically.
I bumped into him this morning, and he was unpleasant. He snapped at me, and I hurried away, shocked and upset.
I suppose this helps with NC, but it makes it even more painful.
Hi Norma,
I’m so sorry for your tough time. You are not alone, this stuff is really, really hard. Your LO probably does not understand the gravity of this situation for you. We like rents here do, though. It’s really hard and heart wrenching….I know first hand.
You’re doing a great job and you are working hard. It does get easier. It’s just difficult to begin with for a while.
Keep letting us know how you are. I am thinking of you. I’m going through it too and haven’t run into mine, though he did text me last night, it’s not the same as having to stand there and interact.
You don’t deserve nasty looks or an attitude, but some LOs come to rely on us…when we draw boundaries they get all upset. That doesnt mean we should stop putting our own mental health first. ❤️
Hugs. CSC
CSC,
what did he text? Just curious…
Oops @norma I made a typo it should say *we limerents* 😊
To CSC:
Thank you for that. I was going to spend the next hour trying to figure out what “like rents” means. I figured it was some kind of UK slang? haha
@norma
haha- nope – just my poor typing!
I just want to say, I am amazed at how strong you are being in your desire to help yourself out of this painful time. It is very difficult, and you are doing the right thing coming here and asking for support. I know I sound like a broken record being supportive in my replies, but I really do mean them, and I know how hard all this stuff can be. The episode itself, the feelings of shock, rejection, panic. It’s all very hard and you are doing the right thing here. X
Thank you for another kind and thoughtful reply. You don’t sound like a broken record to me. I appreciate your support so very much.
To CSC:. You’re right of course. The problem is that the crush doesn’t go away, even though he is rude.
By the way, what are the rules for expletives?
@norma
Well I have no *&-$%% idea! hahaha :))
Yes, your crush hasn’t gone away *yet*.
But, I can tell you, as a repeat-limerent, who has had overwhelming, soul-crushing LE’s come and go)…that it WILL go. No Contact is a huge step and it is essentially guaranteed to be effective. (Though of course it’s very, very hard…it can be done!) It feels like a shift in your feelings will never happen, but it will.
I think, honestly, that if you can get through a couple more weeks, you may begin to feel a shift. You may feel…like, yes, you miss the interaction. But, you might find the feeling of real need/desire has weakened considerably. And missing interaction can be managed much more easily than the need/desire you have right now.
Chemically, your dopamine will also return. Your brain is depleted right now, for sure. It will return. Your brain will begin recognizing it again. With that, you’ll feel a bit of focus, a bit of motivation…more regulated. These feelings aren’t huge, but, you’ll notice they are there.
You might find, if you are able to sustain NC or very thoughtful LC, that you are even glad the episode happened, because you will see aspects of yourself and your life that have always seemed “normal” to you, now seem like small miracles. Just feeling secure, or spending time without the howl of limerence can feel good.
Actually, Norma Desmond, rejection speeds up recovery. Let’s lean into this recent development…
What a jerk! That LO of yours is such a meany-head! I vote that we don’t like him anymore!
To Lovisa:
He snapped “Leave me alone!” and then immediately apologized. So it was confusing. He’s an irritable person, but I don’t think he means to be intentionally unkind.
Part of me is appalled, and part of me gets sucked back in.
Norma,
I excused a lot of my XLOs behavior because „he didn’t mean it, he‘s just the type, he just isn’t capable of this or that“…
It’s also ok and right to understand and excuse it, but it doesn’t mean you have to endure that kind of behavior for yourself. It‘s still unkind and you don’t deserve it, and you can focus more on people who are kinder.
Don’t get sucked into wondering what’s up with him, if he‘s ok etc. If he has a problem, he can come and tell you. It’s not your job to find out and soothe or whatever. He can learn not to be mean to you.
Take your own wellbeing as first priority here!💪🏻
Hi Norma,
What do you think is behind him snapping at you? Do you thinķ in some sense that he’d come to rely on your attention and friendship, and that he’s taken your NC attempt hard? Did you explain why you were going NC? (Apologies if I have missed posts where you already explained this).
To Lim-A-Rant:
I never said anything to him about going No Contact. I don’t think he has come to rely on me very much. The problem with our “friendship” is that I rely on HIM. He has an over-stimulating life, I have an under-stimulating life.
He lives with his elderly mother and both are sick. I offered to bring him food, and he snapped at me. I recoiled and walked away. He called me back and apologized. He was mad because he said he couldn’t eat, and my offering him food seemed absurd to him.
It didn’t seem absurd to me, because sometimes high-carbohydrate, snack foods can be appealing when nothing sounds good.
@norma
I once heard it said that rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.
I am just going to weigh in here and say that a normal reply to such a kind offer would be “thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have little appetite…I appreciate the offer though. :)”
I am going to hold my tongue here but I second what Mila said. (Only I would use more expletives.) You deserved at least a polite response, even if it was a no thank you.
He should not be surprised you are distancing yourself. Friend, crush or something else, his behavior would assure distance from anyone.
This is for Mila:
I don’t know why some posts have a place to reply and some don’t.
I have learned that my LO IS a very snappish and irritable person. This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s just who he is. I don’t excuse his behavior. Every time he is unkind, my opinion of him gets lower.
The problem is that, no matter how poorly I think of him as a person, I still have an insane crush on him.