Last summer, after a quarter of a century working as an academic scientist, I quit my job.
Some of my friends thought I was mad. Tenured positions in elite universities are highly sought after, I’d invested a lot of time and effort in securing one, and now I was planning to throw it away to become a writer – a comically precarious profession.
I liked research. I remain curious about how the brain works, and I like teaching enthusiastic students about what I’ve learned. So, why quit?
Well, the honest answer is that my heart wasn’t in it anymore. The reality of daily life as an academic had drifted a long way from the ideal version that had inspired and motivated me as a young man, and it was grinding me down.
As a side project, I’d created Living with Limerence, and that was taking up a lot of my creative energy and giving me more satisfaction than delivering another lecture on pharmacokinetics to bored medical students.
It took me a long time to finally make the decision, though.
I couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling that I was being a pretentious whiner:
Oh boo-hoo, are you not feeling satisfied enough with your agreeable job? Maybe if you stopped obsessing over your “purpose” you might have the time to apply yourself to solving the problems that are frustrating you? And make more progress in your career. Maybe that would make it more rewarding?
Well, nobody likes being nagged, but I also sensed that my inner voice was driven more by fear of loss than prudent realism. A countervailing voice was gaining strength.
You get one life. You are halfway through it already. You know you don’t want to keep doing this. You’ll end up stuck, your research stalled, your best work behind you, a frustrated old man. Be brave and do something new while you can.
That vision of the future proved more motivating. My redundancy payment and book advance would give me enough to keep my family safe for a year.
It was time to jump.
How to choose a job
One of the true blessings of a free society is that those of us fortunate enough to live in them are able to choose from a wide range of occupations. We can decide where to focus our energies. We can succeed if we can find an undertaking that matches our skills.
Given this embarrassment of riches, it can feel like something of a personal failure if we struggle to find meaning. Given all the opportunities, surely we can find something that we care about? How can so many people be living lives of quiet desperation when they have the freedom to choose how to spend their time and energy?
Well, of course, the answer is that many of us don’t feel free to choose. We have to make compromises, have to take what work we can find, end up trapped in a job we don’t like, which doesn’t pay enough, and that leaves us without enough free time and energy to create the life we want.
The one limited, irredeemable resource in life is time. It is the one way in which we are truly equal. You cannot buy more, everyone has the same amount each day, so you need to use it wisely.
A first step in finding purposeful work is finding a way out of this trap – to stop feeling as though you are languishing. You need some sense of direction to work towards, which brings us back to the “given almost limitless choice, what do I pick?” problem.
Is there a way to narrow down the options a bit?
What gives you satisfaction?
The sweet spot for life satisfaction is to spend most of your time doing something that is lucrative enough to sustain a good lifestyle, while getting fulfilment from the labour itself.
Artists might be willing to starve for their art, bankers might be willing to neglect their families for money, but most people want to find a niche between those extremes. To get to that stage, you need to find work that aligns with your temperament, your intrinsic nature, but also helps other people solve their problems.
The way to know that you’ve found a promising avenue is when the main activities of the job give you energy, and/or allow you to slip into flow state – that wonderful sense of being so absorbed in the work that time passes, unnoticed, as you focus on the task at hand. Work that feels immersive will cause natural motivation (rather than just the indirect, artificial motivation of money).
As a guiding principle, there seem to be four areas of human endeavour that are able to reliably cause this internal motivation state. Which works best for you will depend on your personality.
1. Creation
Some people like to create things, to build things, to craft things. To make stuff that didn’t previously exist except in their imaginations.
Creativity takes a lot of forms. It could be artistic – visual arts, music, poetry, writing. Or, it could be practical – building houses, products, or businesses. Often, it’s a bit of both. There are plenty of creative businesses, and artistic designers, that fill the world with useful and beautiful creations.
I’d also put fixing things into this category. There is real satisfaction to be found in repairing and restoring – whether it’s a leaking plumbing system or antique furniture. Renewal is a form of creation.
2. Service
Helping other people feels good, if you have an empathetic and compassionate soul. Some of us are built to serve. That service can take a lot of forms. You could be a coach or therapist, a doctor, a teacher, a carer. Service is focused on helping others directly, and improving their lives.
Some also choose to serve in protective roles, such as fire-fighters, police, regulators, or the military.
Importantly, being of service doesn’t mean being a servant. It means getting satisfaction and motivation from helping others.
3. Community
A related category to service, but a bit more abstract, is the reward that comes from helping people form connections. Work that builds communities, brings people together to solve problems, or inspires collective action.
It appeals to those who find purpose in repairing relationships, facilitating understanding, or creating a sense of belonging.
Examples include charity workers, mediators, event planners, thought leaders, or even diplomats. These are life’s natural networkers. People who thrive on social connection.
4. Discovery
A final category is for the explorers. It suits those who are motivated by curiosity, problem-solving, or expanding the boundaries of understanding.
Examples include scientists, researchers, journalists, or travel writers. People who can get lost down rabbit-holes of investigation, and get excited by novelty, making sense of complex ideas, or making new connections between different fields.
Clearly, these four categories aren’t rigidly separate – plenty of professions involve elements of each – but they illustrate how different personality types can be excited by different intrinsic motivators.
Finding purposeful work starts with understanding what drives you, and how your own unique blend of openness, diligence, sociability, agreeableness, and resilience shapes your preferences. Some people want to do everything, others have a strong bias towards one category.
If you find yourself languishing in a job you don’t enjoy, ask yourself which of these fundamental motivators most speaks to your deep drives.
Then, start daydreaming about the sort of work within that category that you could potentially do.
I’m not saying that this will solve the problem of too little time and energy immediately, but it will help lead to a subtle mental shift – once you start thinking about alternative futures, you start to move from the emotional problem of feeling trapped and languishing, to the intellectual problem of how to actually achieve a change.
Transitioning into a new life becomes a technical problem to solve – how to get from A to B in stages that don’t jeopardise your wellbeing.
That’s purposeful. It’s action orientated. You’re taking charge.
Much better than quiet desperation.
That was a very thoughtful article, Dr. L. I think it will appeal to your more sensible readers while completely going over the heads of your less sensible readers. Your less sensible readers are the ones who routinely clog the comments section with **cough, cough** “I know not what”. 🙂
Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but I think the trope of the starving artist is a myth popularised by the Romantic Movement, and has very little basis in reality. Starving artists usually don’t leave behind any great works to be remembered by. Almost all the great artists throughout history either came from money (Proust, Lord Byron. etc) or they had wealthy patrons (Shakespeare, Michelangelo, etc). Vincent Van Gough only sold only one painting in his lifetime, but he was lucky enough to live on handouts from his very generous older brother, Theo.
After finishing writing my limerence-inspired poetry, I reread it and thought: “Wow! This stuff really is rubbish. Rubbish in style and rubbish in content. I’ve basically spent twenty-one volumes arguing with myself over whether LO is a good person or not. (The verdict is still out, by the way. I couldn’t decide. I also ran out of words to rhyme with “muppet”). 🙂
As people may have noticed, sometimes I like to do a spot of feature-article-type writing on LwL about my special interests e.g. film, music, TV, literature, food, fashion, royalty, religion, feminism, masculinity, all things Australian, the world of celebrity. I don’t know why I do this. I think I write because I get some sort of narcissistic pleasure from imagining other people’s responses to my work.
So far, other people’s responses to my work have been extremely disquieting. Nobody responds to my writing in the way I thought they would. Individuals such as MJ and Frederico cheekily misinterpret every word I say, so the funniest possible meanings apply, and Marcia (the queen of good taste, apparently) stridently disagrees with my opinions on essentially everything. I mean, I can’t even tell a flatulence joke these days without worrying about how it’s going to land. (And I have it on good authority i.e. “Reader’s Digest”, that flatulence humour may be the only form of humour that’s reliably international). 🙂
I think my true failing as an amateur writer is that I have never embodied the correct level of pretentiousness to satisfy modern audiences. I’m not pretentious enough to be a poet. I’m not down-to-earth enough to be a novelist. When I try to be serious, people crack up. When I try to be funny, people find layers of meaning and levels of intellectual depth in my musings that even I can’t fathom. 😜
At one point in my life, I flirted with the idea of being a Minister of Religion. Then I realised I probably wouldn’t agree with the official party line of any church I joined. Then I realised that it wouldn’t matter if I did agree with the official part line of some church because I hate repeating myself over and over, even when I know I’m right. I’d probably be like: “Here, love. Read this cute little pamphlet with all these cute little drawings of demons inside. Hope it doesn’t stress you out too much. See you again when you’re fifty.” 🙂
Perhaps one of the happiest times in my life was when I was in grade twelve at school and I got to write fun assignments for English class e.g. a short story, a feature article, an essay, etc, etc. I think such writing was fulfilling to me because I had an amazing teacher who loved my work, and I was basically writing for her. I also had another (also female) teacher in grade seven who LOVED all the sarcasm I put into my primary-school English assignments. I think a lot of other teachers would have given me detention. But this teacher – she was a bit jaded by the teaching profession. She sort of needed a good laugh to get through the day. 😜
Hanging out at LwL and posting delicious-but-totally-irrelevant effusions, has enabled me to relive some fond moments from my childhood and adolescence. For that I am grateful. I have also enjoyed systemically driving other readers up the wall when they have failed to show me proper respect. (Don’t ask. It’s an INFJ thing. We like to stand on our dignity). To misquote a character from a great movie I watched last night: “I don’t know if I’m a genius or a lunatic.” 🙂
“Individuals such as MJ and Frederico cheekily misinterpret every word I say, so the funniest possible meanings apply..”
@Sammy,
I suppose I never read your posts as the more serious tone you are attempting to make. To me your writing is engaging and it brings me in because you take something so serious-a-feeling as what limerence is about and you seem to put a little comedic spin on it. (Perhaps not meaning to) While trying to be very honest about your experience and being very matter of fact. The way you go off into sub-referencing at times just makes it that much more captivating. It’s that writing style that keeps me reeled in. It’s from your heart and since you’ve lived it, you know very well how to put it into words. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read something you posted, which was probably an almost exact occurence that previously happened to me and I couldn’t puzzle in words to write about it as eloquently as you had just done. It’s happened more than once. Should you reply to this, I imagine you’ll most likely do it again and then I’ll be saying to myself, “why didn’t I think of writing it like that?” It’s just what you do and you’re blessed to be able to express yourself the way you do. I wish I could write like that.
“If anyone feels limerence is a 100% positive thing in their life, and they don’t want to let it go, that’s actually cool with me. However, I don’t need to be talked around to anyone’s personal pet view regarding limerence. I’ve lived through limerence myself. All my comments are grounded in lived emotional experience. Limerence is a tremendously complex and nuanced thing.”
I think it’s the direct tone in which you write is what perhaps disturbs others sometimes. Because who really wants to be told and then admonished their limerent behaviors here are disturbing? You tell it like it is and sometimes people need to know it. I’ve been put in my place here by others plenty of times. Even you have laid it out to me in your Sammy-like way. Sometimes it’s hard to hear and accept a truth. This experience has been strange and surreal but all the correction has directly helped in me re-shaping my interactions with members of the opposite sex. Without trying to sound too freaking cliché, I continue to be a work in progress. (Because let’s face it, I have no Wife to practice it out on anymore either. But that’s not because of limerence.)
Awhile ago a certain poster here was reading one of my posts. It was about my calamity of divorce and the outcomes of what came to be from my more selfish and piggish days of being an overweight, self-righteous, dictating, porn-loving prick of a husband. (I’m a firm believer in retribution, in all its deserv-ed ways)
My point to this poster was to let them know that their behavior was downright selfish and that I didn’t understand how they could possibly be in such a grand place, without taking in to account the possibility of things falling through in their marriage. (Because there are children involved and I thought they should deserve better.) I mean who is actually feeling all the shitty-ness of what limerence actually feels like, while also claiming their marriage is in absolute, pristine perfect, on top of the world shape? It’s just not possible. Not happening. Limerence doesn’t happen when things are all great and right. I told them that in continuing to allow their friendship with LO to increase and inviting them to their family home is like inviting Satan over for dinner. Once this person divulged that possible scenario would be a turn-on, I was out. I realized any lived experiences I had, in any kind of affair, was not getting through. When all I really wanted them to understand was how wrong it was to keep being a fraud about life and expecting peace to prevail for themselves.
I know this experience is rough for anybody. Any parties involved, at any level.. I don’t know how or even believe my marriage would have slightly endured limerence in the way it hit me. Yet what I do know is I am well-grounded in the idea, that I never want it to happen or affect me like it did, in any way, EVER again..
Clip of the Blog: “Top Gun: Maverick”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV0ApOOSGBc
One of the best lines in the movie is, ” I’m a fighter pilot. Naval aviator. It’s not what I am, it’s who I am.”
Some people have more of their identities wrapped up in their professions than others. My wife and LO #2 are two people who’s self-worth and self-esteem were tied to their jobs. A criticism of their professional performance was a direct reflection on their worth as human beings. I dread my wife’s periodic performance appraisals.
I more or less muddled my way through life. I knew that I wanted to be in the Navy since I was ~12 years old. I wanted to be in PT Boats (Motor Gun Boats to my UK colleagues). Unfortunately, that career option wasn’t open to me. So, my next choice was submarines.
By whatever drove my destiny, I ended up on an old sub that didn’t do much. I parleyed that into a career decommissioning them. I think I would have made a good wartime office but I was a mediocre peacetime officer at best.
When an officer submits his/her resignation, the Skipper has an interview with the resignee. The Skipper has a copy of the Officer Retention Manual with him with all the responses to potential reasons why someone would leave like pay, too much time away from family, etc. The Skipper asked my why I was resigning:
“Because, Skipper, in 10 years I don’t want your job.”
The Skipper tossed the manual on the desk and asked what I planned to do when I got out.
After I got out, I went to work for the Navy as a civilian engineer. My boss said that I was one of the most difficult employees he had because he couldn’t figure out what motivated me. I told him that I was one of the easiest employees he had to motivate. I told him that I worked because I perceived it as a benefit to the society I lived in and it paid me well enough to pursue my lifestyle. I told him that if he wanted to motivate me either pay me more to allow me to do things I couldn’t afford to do on what I made or give me more time off to do the things I could afford.
His office overlooked a drydock. There was a submarine in it. I told him that he’d never appeal to me because my job was interesting or challenging. I told him that he’d never appeal to me because my job would allow me to wield power or influence. I pointed to the sub and told him that if I wanted to wield power and influence, I’d have stayed in the Navy. Eventually, I’d have acquired the power to throw people in jail and tool around the ocean with enough firepower to kill a few hundred thousand people. In 7th grade, I was voted “Most likely to start a nuclear war” (true).
I drifted through a series of positions. Some were more interesting than others. There are 6+ billion people on the planet and my bet is none of them ever said that they wanted any of the jobs I had.
But, they paid the bills and let me do a lot of things that I liked to do.
I stayed in the public sector because the notion that my livelihood was dependent on my ability, motivation, and productivity as opposed to my ability to get up every morning, show up on time, and follow directions scared the living crap out of me. Being a droid was frustrating at times, but I learned to make the best of things.
@Limerent Emeritus.
“My boss said that I was one of the most difficult employees he had because he couldn’t figure out what motivated me.”
I do think that pretty much all limerents are way more “difficult” to get along with than they realise. 🙂
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this likeness yourself, but I’m starting to wonder if limerence as a condition has something in common with the developmental stage human toddlers go through when they say “no, no, no” all the time. The correct answer (the only answer) to every question posed by authority figures is “No!” 🤣
Half of Dr. L’s readers, present company included, if we were still school-aged munchkins, could be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). 😜
I had a bad experience the other day. Another adult man punched me three times in the mouth. This attack was unprovoked and happened on public transport. The man stepped into the carriage. He stared at me for a really long time, and his eyes had this glassy quality that I couldn’t read in the moment but which I now understand to be the eyes of a predator looking for easy prey. (The eyes were filled with anger and aggression rather than romantic attraction or lust). I just glanced back at the man in a neutral way.
The man walked away in disgust. Fifteen minutes later, he came back and started beating the living daylights out of me. He attacked me from behind, so I didn’t even see the blows coming. I didn’t fight back because (a) I don’t know how to fight and (b) I was in too much shock. The man backed off after the third punch. I think he was confused by my refusal to fight him. I also think he had a moment of shame hot on the heels of his moment of rage. Had he struck me a fourth time, he would have given me a nosebleed. For the rest of the day, I could feel the blood vessels in my left nostril sting. He almost broke some of the capillaries.
We could go into all sorts of interesting psychosexual explanations for the attack. (The man was a repressed homosexual or something). But I think a simpler explanation would work too: I think the man thought I was giving him attitude or not showing him the respect that a grown man should show another grown man. The man interpreted (perhaps correctly) my neutral expression as “defiance”. He decided he was going to teach me a lesson, and he did. This has been my first (and hopefully last) encounter with the harsh, harsh world of toxic masculinity.
I know Dr. L encourages us to seek out “healthy rewards” as an alternative to limerence. I’m sure Dr. L doesn’t mean “get punched in the mouth by a mentally-ill stranger twice your size” when he says “healthy rewards”. But I cannot lie – the experience was exhilarating to my nervous system. The experience really woke me up. For about three hours afterwards, both my mind and my body were buzzing. Clearly, the human nervous system sometimes has a hard time distinguishing “pleasure” from “pain”.
Post-attack, I felt alive. I felt more alive than I’ve felt in twenty years. (I engaged in no forms of physical fighting with male peers as a boy growing up. The attack was like some weird, belated initiation ritual into manhood. My loony attacker unknowingly gave me the gift of “entry into manhood”. He may have won the fight by laying three blows on me while I laid none on him. However, I won the fight psychologically because I showed no fear before the attack, during the attack, or after the attack. (My self-possession started to psych him out).
After the incident, I just felt pity for my attacker. My ability to transcend fear in the face of danger made me both “a real man” and “the bigger man”. The man who attacked me wasn’t a real man – he was a coward for striking me from behind. He was also a despicable person for not being able to control his own aggressive instincts. Boys win the fight but lose the war. Men lose the fight but win the war.
Sammy,
I never saw myself as overly defiant. I don’t like doing things of marginal utility without a good reason.
There’s a lot of that in the military and you have to be very careful how you express dissent. Sanctions for insubordination can be harsh.
That’s one reason you see so much Passive-Aggessive behavior in the military. Passive-Aggressive behavior can be a type of guerilla war waged by some who is incapable or unwilling to openly challenge authority.
One of my Skippers said I was frustrating. He said that the things I liked to do, I did better than any junior officer that he’d ever seen. The things I didn’t like to do, I’d put just enough effort into to meet minimum compliance.
I’d get a task, assign a relative worth to it and assign resources and effort accordingly. The Skipper said that was an inherently good thing but in the future, he wanted my priorities to be more in line with his priorities and level out the highs and lows.
As a civil servant, I was essentially paid by the hour. They said we weren’t but we were. If we couldn’t account for 80 hours/pay period, they docked our pay.
My boss would tell to do something I thought was dumb, I’d try to talk him/her out of it. If I got overruled, my response was that I got paid by the hour and I could follow a bad order just as easy as I could follow a good one.
I rubbed off on one of my coworkers. He told me that he used the “paid by the hour” quip and was told to quit talking like L.E.
In one job, I had frequent disagreements with my customer. They usually didn’t listen. So, I’d orient my product in things that had to be reviewed by HQ. I didn’t openly challenge my customer, I was able to slip my concerns past them.
This need to find purposeful work – and losing that last 20 pounds – are my most urgent seeks right now.
I am a mid-life (thank you for your great video in previous post) ex-limerent (thank god) who actually blew up my old life, and found new direction. Note, I did NOT blow my life up to end up in the arms of my LO; on the contrary, blowing up my old life was the first step of getting OUT of my LE. My recovery from limerence started there, step by painful step. I was not so foolish to think that this remarkable feeling of limerence I had for a younger LO was “true love”. However, I don’t think I could have gotten over the whole miserable thing if I had chosen to stick around in my old life. The time for that life, those dreams, those goals, had truly passed. The limerence was an indication of how over my old life was.
Pardon if this is rude, but your change in career is in a way blowing up your old life too. For the promise of something that attracts you more. I am glad for you; but I do think it is interesting that underlying a lot of LWL is a bias against “blowing up your life” for an LE, and renewing and reinvigorating your old life but … there are more ways than succumbing to an LE to create an explosive change in life.
Having said that – I want what you want: not an LO, but something purposeful to fill my days with flow.
@Limm 2
“… I do think it is interesting that underlying a lot of LWL is a bias against “blowing up your life” for an LE …”
Erm, I think a lot of that bias comes from Dr. L himself. Some people (i.e. the middle-aged married crowd) just find that the idea resonates with them. It’s as good a term as any to help one assess and organise one’s true priorities. 🙂
I think what “blowing up one’s life” means to a lot of people caught up in limerence at midlife is the irrationally strong desire to abandon a supportive marriage of twenty years and to destroy one’s relationship with one’s kids (by being really cruel to one’s spouse during the separation process) in order to pursue an affair that’s only going to fizzle out in a matter of months anyway.
A career change, on the other hand, as long as it works out financially as well as emotionally, is one of the healthier and more ethical ways to bring renewal to one’s life. 🙂
Why do I always have to explain the blindingly obvious to people? Am I – a single gay man in his early forties – just more intelligent than everybody else? And for years I worried that I had nothing valuable to contribute to society… 🤣
Not rude at all Limm 2. It’s an insightful comment.
Yes, the career change has transformed my life in multiple ways, but I’d distinguish that from blowing things up. It’s not destructive in the sense that my family is intact and happy (and that’s my priority), so the career change is a personal transformation that feels purposeful and positive.
The reason I’m anti blowing up life for an LE is that limerence is a terrible basis for decision making. If you are already in a relationship (and especially if you have kids) it means causing long-lasting pain to others in order to prioritise short-term pleasure for yourself.
Leaving a bad relationship because you have realised it is unsalvageable is one thing, chasing the limerence siren song is another.
“Leaving a bad relationship because you have realised it is unsalvageable is one thing, chasing the limerence siren song is another.”
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-glimmer/#comment-9197
On Sirens:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-ulysses-contract/
@Limm2
I love this. We have the right to blow up our lives. By necessity, it implies living with the consequences.
I totally get what you mean. And I understand about an LO triggering a series of serious questions about direction…questions that actually have nothing to do with LO.
I also understand that an LE can be a symptom….of a life that doesn’t quite fit.
I too seek a kind of flow in my life. I get it. For some of us, tailoring an existing path is not enough. We have to begin again from whole cloth.
I have a feeling the perceived bias towards marriage with existing SO is just because when we are limerent, we are not in our right minds. Personally, I advocate (and am going through) getting completely out of LE via NC, and then…taking time to assess and bravely do what needs to be done — no matter if it’s committing to try again with SO, or to detonate.
I have another comment on the topic of purposeful work…
When I came to LwL, over four years ago, I honestly didn’t think I’d stick around very long. I was kind of working off two assumptions: (1) my writing style isn’t versatile enough to participate in a community inspired by a blog and (2) I’m a very boring person and I really don’t have that much to say. I just want to get out of limerence and leave quietly, before anyone even notices I’m here… 🙂
Then, I started commenting, and gaining occasional positive feedback for my comments. However, such feedback didn’t really inspire me to have faith in myself. I thought: “Well, okay. Maybe I’ll stick around and make the other gay man (Frederico) laugh. Maybe I’ll stick around and make the womenfolk laugh. If I can’t impress Dr. Bellamy, at least I can make Mrs Bellamy’s reading experiences a tad more interesting as she now and again peers over Dr. Bellamy’s shoulder.”
Instead, what has actually happened as a result of my contributions to LwL, has been both extraordinary and unprecedented (at least for me). I may have made Frederico laugh, but I made him laugh for all the wrong reasons. And he would have laughed anyway. My attempt to entertain the womenfolk failed miserably. (Hi, Marcia. Thank you for almost convincing me that my taste in men is next to atrocious, and that I like all the wrong music). 🙂
Instead, what has actually happened as a result of my contributions to LwL is that I think my writing (both style and content, but mostly style) has inspired the heterosexual men (an audience I wasn’t remotely interested in targeting) to hit new heights of creative excellence. I’ve basically inspired some of the straight men present to get their act together and lift their game artistically. MJ and Limerent Emeritus are two readers I’ve noticed massive improvements in.
Dr. L, what have you done to me? When I came here, I wrote like Dorothy Parker (the most famous wit of the twentieth century) pretending to be Oscar Wilde (the most famous wit of the nineteenth century). When I leave here, I don’t know who I’m going to sound like. Probably Norman Mailer pretending to be Ernest Hemingway, with a pinch of Katherine Mansfield and a smattering of Alfred, Lord Tennyson. My writing style has evolved to become more versatile rather than less versatile, and the content of my commentary is beginning to betray a new level of maturity that I didn’t even know lay dormant in the depths of my own soul. 🙂
I personally believe that LwL is a world-class blog. And if LwL isn’t a world-class blog, I think it has the potential to be a world-class blog. I’m not angling for a job or anything. I’ve enjoyed contributing to LwL precisely because all my contributions have been of a strictly unprofessional nature. Only Dr. L, as the author of the blog, has control over the quality of blog entries. (I’m happy, though, if I’ve inspired him to extend his vocabulary beyond customary range).
My chief wish for the future is that the entire LwL commentariat would pull together more in the pursuit of creative excellence. If the blog entries can be of outstanding literary merit, the comments section can be of outstanding literary merit too. For example, there’s no excuse for spelling mistakes from people who are contributing regularly. We have a lot of extremely able minds here. I’d love to see the comments section increasingly reflect the overall quality of the blog. 😜
Sammy,
I’m very sorry for the sufferings you’ve gone through due to the miscommunications, misinterpretations, and misperceptions between our communications/interactions in LwL. It is truly unfortunate….
Hope you and your family well.
Really, Sammy, you think I’ve improved over time?
Thank you but I don’t see much difference. I must be channeling my inner James Joyce. My Modern Short Stories professor in college said my writing style reminded him of Joyce. I asked him why and my prof said that I’m an “aural writer” that writes like he talks. I punctuate in odd places to capture vocal inflections in print. With the exception of “The Dead,” I don’t much care for Joyce. I’d rather write in the style of Twain or Vonnegut. The same prof assigned me Vonnegut for the semester project because he thought we’d be a good fit.
He said that would work well in some places but not so well in others. He was correct. The Navy thought that my punctuation was horrible and I was considered a functional illiterate.
@LE
Yeah, Joyce has the tendency to evade plot completely. I found him very hard to slog through in college, though I did like “The Dead,” too.
Gotcha 😉
In terms of commenting, I’ve never tried to police comments, and never wanted to. I like that people express themselves however comes naturally. I’ll admit I find some comments baffling or wrong-headed, but I reflexively dislike attempts to “control the narrative”.
It’s also a guaranteed road to frustration. “Why won’t people do what I want?!” is at the heart of a lot of problems…
We’re just so unruly! 😉
Sammy, you entertain ME! 🙂 (I just wish you and Snow would get along better….)
Editor’s note: I’ve removed Sammy’s last comment.
Sammy: the one rule I have is about attacking other posters with personal comments. Please stop with the character dissections and psychoanalysis of their hidden motives.
The songs are heard…
❤️
for anyone who is doing nc, or considering it, i am providing an update.
i have been completely nc for about…2.5 months now.
it was ok to start. i felt i was doing the right thing.
i was very tired.
i slowly was able to regain focus for work, and some other things.
but still tired. mood was unstable.
around 1.5 month i had more energy
then fell into depression
depression had lasted about 3-4 weeks.
had breakthrough after speaking with a friend this weekend…it seems to have stuck. i am still feeling more resolved than i have in a while.
friend told me xlo sounded more like a pothead and f*boy and not like a good person.
a light came on in my head. he IS a pothead and a f*boy.
he is not evil, but…i did not see his crappy qualities. i could not. now, as of today, i see them. i am not angry. i’m just…i feel like i can finally see past the fog. i am so glad i went nc and did not let this person string me along.
i am glad i ghosted and did not give him more of my time.
i am glad i gave as little information as possible, because he will never know i was in pain.
i am not out of the woods, but i feel, officially, i am over a major, major hump.
will i still feel lonely and miss the fun? think he’s hot? yes. wish it could have been…something? maybe.
but, i feel that now, i can really begin a true recovery. i understand that it was not perfect, he was not perfect, we were not soulmates, i do not need to feel guilt or confusion. and i feel a lot lighter.
i still have a ways to go. this year was daunting. but, this feels like something real. it has taken almost 3 months of very hard work and sadness….confusion…around the sudden cold-turkey NC.
that’s my tale.
jmmo if you’re there, i have hit the disdain phase. not in the same order as you — but, i am there. did not expect to ever be here. but…yessss!
x csc
“…i did not see his crappy qualities. i could not. now, as of today, i see them. i am not angry. i’m just…i feel like i can finally see past the fog”
Csc,
Bravo 🎉. Yesssss. You go girl!! We can basically *never* see their crappy qualities while we’re ‘in it’. Limerence eh, what a weird beast.
Getting ready for #limcamp25!!
Lots of strength for the next bit💪
🚜
LaR,
thank you so much, friend. having this support from LwL has been crucial in the day-to-day for me…knowing there are others who understand and take LE’s seriously. They are serious…thank you LaR for helping me by sharing your own process…especially knowing the exhaustion was part of it…that really, really helped. That part was a bit frightening, to me…the strength of the exhaustion…oof!
i think because i am feeling a bit restored, i can really see in comparison how the past few months have been so, so difficult.
i also feel very compassionate and grateful towards myself, for turning away. i feel i can finally give myself the credit for doing the right thing, even though it felt awful….
anyone who doesn’t think this is serious, or like an addiction ( @Norma , I saw that your friend had said it seemed weird, and minimized your experience)…it is a serious situation…and it is very painful to go through, in all ways.
x csc
To CSC:
Thank you for thinking of me. It means a lot.
@norma
of course. i know it’s been so hard for you. i felt awful when i heard that you trusted a friend, and did not find the understanding you needed. i have had that happen too…i think the concept of limerence is just so strange to anyone who hasn’t had it…they don’t get that it’s not a crush, and if one puts it in more illuminating terms, they don’t get it that it’s not obsession or stalking…it’s…this other thing. ah, whatever, they simply don’t get it!
but we do 🙂 and it’s major if it happens. very disruptive, very upsetting. i am sending you all the good vibes and thoughts of strength in your nc…no matter what, or how it goes for you — this space is here for you, norma.
x
To CSC:
Thank you for being so kind. Kind people are the only thing that keeps me going.
Unkind people decimate me, probably more than they should, but it is what it is.
@csc
Hello lovely. Just checking in – how is “project disdain” going? I hope you are doing well and the rehab is continuing.
Thoughts and hugs
Jmmo x
hi my dear jmmo
thank you for asking. yes, it’s going pretty well, i’d say.
i am still feeling the disdain…in waves. but, i will also say the power of my lim-brain is not to be underestimated…it keeps finding little ways to say “hmmm maybe we should hold him in higher regard, maybe he was wounded! maybe…maybe…”
but no. no! this is not actual empathy. this, if i pick it apart, is bargaining.
even yesterday, as i spoke to my therapist, telling her i realized he was a massive pothead, and she replied “yes, many lo’s have abuse in their past…and issues like addiction, or things they cannot face…” my heart cringed, and i thought “oh god, maybe i could have saved him! been the person he could talk to! what if he’s in pain??? and i’ve turned away???”
bargaining.
i feel i have turned a corner. i really do. i am no longer waffling back and forth, i am able to look at my thoughts this way. yes, my thoughts are still occurring, but, they are kind of…outside of my main line of thinking….it’s very interesting actually!
i will admit, feeling stronger, i came close to checking my IG to see if he had unfollowed me. i thought ‘do it. pull off the bandaid’…but…as i touched the phone, about to go into my contacts, i felt a jolt in my body. a taste of copper, a feeling of total dread. do NOT do this. i listened to my body. i took a breath, shut off the phone, and put it down. i was shaking so badly i could not even write.
i am happy with my progress. am i perfect? no! but, i am so far from where i was.
…i am going to give myself a few weeks in this space. and i will NOT be looking around at other men. i will be getting to know myself. then…when i feel i have myself under control (exclusive of le) i will have to look seriously at my primary relationship…i’m trying not to worry about it right now, though…
i feel…my primary relationship is a major cause of my le’s…it’s complicated. unless i’m wrong and things really clear up, i think the next year of my life could be simultaneously liberating and very, very painful…
agh, this was alllll about me. how are you? anything going on? staying the course? anything fun planned for le weekend? nothing fun? being a loaf? 🙂 whatever you are up to…i hope you are feeling ok, jmmo. i think of you, and send you all the good vibes.
x
csc
Dearest csc
My wonderful BLP
I am so proud of you. The waves that you describe, as you well know, are normal and inevitable. I too get those waves, but like you I am very quickly able to remind myself of the harm she did me. Importantly though, what I sense is that you’re fully conscious of your role as the Limerent. Me too. But we get the point, I think, where we Can rationalise our role and measure it against their manipulation.
I can honestly say that my xLO is now nothing to me. She is an irritation that I have to constantly avoid. Almost like an allergy. That’s how she is to me now.
You have worked wonders, my darling. If I knew you I would celebrate with you, because I think you’re brilliant and inspirational.
In terms of your personal circumstances, I have absolute faith in your judgement, and know that you will make the right decision at (crucially) the right time. I will be here the whole way, as you are for me.
Lots of hugs
Jmmo
Csc,
It is awesome you are having these realisations.
“especially knowing the exhaustion was part of it…that really, really helped. That part was a bit frightening, to me…the strength of the exhaustion…oof!”
The exhaustion after DoH really is horrific isn’t it? I was only just functional for 2 months – I could easily have just folded and gone off work just to get NC, but I held it at bay just short of that. I didn’t know what to do to get the fatigue to lift and wondered if it ever would. The better news is that when it started to, it really shifted faster – the journey back to feeling human was good once it started.
You are definitely not alone in that, and we’re here if the road gets bumpier. I bumped down a bit again last week and felt myself going backwards a bit, but have got through it and am now on track again.
We remain here for you as you navigate the next bit.
Norma – I echo Csc. If you feel confused by anything, please just keep talking to us. Hope you are keeping your NC resolve. This road is bumpy – and sometimes it is just about knowing ‘what we need to do’ – the ‘how and why did we get here?’ are questions better addressed later, once the more immediate ’emergency’ of the pain cycle is under control.
To LaR:
Thank you for thinking of me. Maintaining NC. Don’t really care anymore how I got here. One day at a time.
Dear csc
I am here, and boy – am I thrilled for you! I knew that you would get there. On reflection, I think that I spent the last 4 months of my LE knowing that I had become trapped again by my Limerence for someone who I didn’t really want to be with. I think that you realised that you had to extricate yourself from someone who you still had tremendous feelings for. My battle became about shaking a largely Narc LO off my coat sleeves.
I am thrilled for you my darling BLP. I am certain that you will slowly now start to feel like (insert your name here) again. The other thing I’ve started to notice is how much more peaceful my life seems. The worry and anxiety caused by that horrible person continues to dissipate. I have a small update to share with you, but that can wait – this is your post!
It’s not often in life that feeling disdain for someone is something to celebrate. But boy, it is here – for us all. The realisation that these people are what they truly are is startling. And strangely rewarding.
I am so, so proud of you. And delighted for you.
Huge hugs
Jmmo x
Dear csc
I am here, and boy – am I thrilled for you! I knew that you would get there. On reflection, I think that I spent the last 4 months of my LE knowing that I had become trapped again by my Limerence for someone who I didn’t really want to be with. I think that you realised that you had to extricate yourself from someone who you still had tremendous feelings for. My battle became about shaking a largely Narc LO off my coat sleeves.
I am thrilled for you my darling BLP. I am certain that you will slowly now start to feel like (insert your name here) again. The other thing I’ve started to notice is how much more peaceful my life seems. The worry and anxiety caused by that horrible person continues to dissipate. I have a small update to share with you, but that can wait – this is your post!
It’s not often in life that feeling disdain for someone is something to celebrate. But boy, it is here – for us all. The realisation that these people are what they truly are is startling. And strangely rewarding.
I am so, so proud of you. And delighted and thrilled for you.
Huge hugs
Jmmo x
@jmmo :)!
i am so glad you saw my update, dear BLP. wow, who would have thought, a couple of months ago, that we could get here, today. certainly not i.
thank you for understanding the nature of my le. yes, i had real feelings. very. i was in love….or, whatever the limerent version of that is…i was very, very deeply lost in it.
yes, i really feel i have turned a corner, or, at least swung another leg over the side of the bottomless hole i have been clinging to. as limerence goes, i’m sure i will go up and down, but, i do feel the trend is up. i am not filled with bile over my xlo, but i do feel disdain is accurate. though i cannot blame him, i allowed him to be what he was…i feel more able, now to really stay away, not just because i have to, but, because i want to.
i am eager to hear your update so will keep popping in to see when it appears…no rush. i have a feeling you are taking your time to process things and get back to your “normal” life — meaning, get back to the jmmo you know, yourself…so you can feel that stability from within. i know that is what i have been doing.
this has in many ways become a very “selfish” time for me. i am realizing i have not heard my own voice…actually it has been buried under many layers. now, i am committing to take my time to hear it, to slowly go forward.
thank you so much for being there for me, and for all your compassion and understanding. it makes a huge difference, and now that i feel improved…i am just…floored by how much it means, to have that. thank you, friend.
xo
csc, blp
Hello dear csc BLP
It’s such good news that you’ve shared. Remember that road trip I’ve Kept talking about? We are in that car heading down the road, with our respective music choices playing as we go. I’m so happy that you’ve found this point. The point when we can begin to imagine a time when those people wont mean anything to us. I myself am firmly fixed in disdain and ambivalence. Is she in my thoughts much? Yes. She is. But in a much different way. Yes – disdain and indifference.
We both know that there will be some days when it is harder to remain that way. My advice would be to keep telling yourself a) why you went NC and b) “see?? I was right about him all along!”. I have found that validation very powerful, although I fully appreciate that my xLO treated me badly in ways yours may not have done.
My update is only a small one. I have not laid eyes on her for 2 weeks. It is a month since I blocked all contact (I went NC 3 weeks before that before she returned from leave and just thought that she could barge her way back: F*** o** Narc!!). On Friday she sent me a work email. It was very appropriate and respectful and asked for my help with some information. I helped as best I could and responded in a purely professional manner. I will admit that when I saw her email my heart sank, but it was fleeting. Following my reply, she sent a ❤️ emoji and “thank you so much”. I don’t know (but suspect) if she was trying to entice me in to further chit-chat. If so, she will have been disappointed. I did not respond.
Last week, I lost a family member. She was, is, very dear to me. It hasn’t stopped xLO popping into my brain, but it has altered my focus. I know that it will still be there long after the funeral, but as far as I’m concerned my LE is now firmly at an end. What you and I will do my dear BLP is to continue down that road to recovery.
Thank you for your words. I feel blessed to have found this site and met many wonderful people. You have made such a difference. I can’t express how much your friendship means to me.
To Our continued journey, and lots of ELO and Smashing Pumpkins!!
Hugs
Jmmo.x
Hello Jmmo,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. At such a tender time, I hope that you are getting all the support and love you need from those close to you. And I hope that nobody says or does anything insensitive, or if they do, that you can simply ignore them and focus on those considerate people who hold you close and watch out over you at this time. I have been there, grieving while limerent and it was a very strange experience. Grief does tend to put the important things and people in your life into focus (if you let it, I must admit that I can only see this in retrospect).
All my best to you,
Bx
Dear Bewitched
Thank you so much for the lovely message. So far everyone has been lovely. It’s highly unlikely that my xLO even knows about it. I don’t want her to and I certainly don’t want to hear from her about it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to get in touch. Your words and thoughts mean a great deal to me, genuinely.
I hope that you are ok?
Best wishes
Jmmo xx
@jmmo
My condolences on the loss of your family member!
Hi @jmmo
Oh dear, I am very sorry to hear you are mourning the loss of a family member. I am sure it is a tender time.
I also understand your xLO popping into your brain, even when more important matters are at hand. I have a feeling you know this, but, when that happens, it’s just your brain’s habit, not you being a bad or unfocused person…or someone who doesn’t love your family member enough…
When my Dad died, my lo was in heavy rotation in my mind…seriously, if i didn’t know what I know about limerence, I would say I was the worst daughter in the world, at that time…I felt so ashamed and angry with myself about it. Now, I see that it was just…what my brain was doing.
I understand you are well out of the LE, but, after such a long bout of limerence, the brain is bound to want to touch on it, if only to comprehend and repair…even if other, very serious things are taking the stage.
I am thinking of you. I’ll write again later, but I wanted to say I am very sorry for what you are going through, losing someone.
with care,
csc
To CSC:
I really like your use of the word “disdain.” I need to find a way to apply it to my own situation.
@norma
i can’t take credit for disdain — that little nugget came from jmmo !
…as far as applying it, i tried. and tried. but…i could not get it to stick, prematurely. it has taken me 2.5 months of total nc to hit the real vein of it… and whoa, it feels like having a cold drink of water after dying of thirst. just to feel something other than total desperation and worship…it was a very, very welcome moment.
how are things, @norma ? i believe you’re in nc? i hope you’re doing ok, whatever is going on!
To CSC:
Thank you for asking. I am in NC, and struggling. My problem is that I can see LO’s horrible qualities, and it does not dissuade me as much as it should.
On paper, he is a terrible friend. Not much to recommend him. But I can’t get rid of that “feeling.”
Still managing NC. I usually run into LO on Thursday nights and managed to avoid him successfully.
I am pretty depressed, though.
Hi @norma
From my experience, recently, I too wanted to feel like NC made sense, when I started. But, it really didn’t. It just felt hard, and depressing. In a way, I would compare it to recovering from a bad illness…one wants to feel good, but, it’s just not possible til it’s possible. Can’t be (won’t be!) rushed.
The kind of logic (like, what makes sense on paper) was not accessible to me for some time.
You have just one thing to do, stay in that nc. All the other parts of feeling better will come along when they’re ready, but don’t worry about forcing them. It’s stress you probably don’t need while you deal with just being upset and in withdrawal. It’s a shock to the system to remove a person one is attached to. A major shock. Offer yourself compassion….as you would a dear friend. You are a kind person, and you know this about yourself. It is a quality you are proud of….offer that kindness inwardly, now. You deserve it, Norma.
definitely keep us posted…i know it’s really difficult. and awful, boring, sad, weird, all the things…but i bet it will be worthwhile.
x
csc
@Norma
My last LO—He turned out to be narcissistic, and I was shocked at how he treated me, after years of being sweet to me. It was a very hard NC and took a long time to get past, even knowing the truth about him. I kept hoping that he would come to me and apologize for everything and we’d be friends again. But years passed and he didn’t do that; in fact, the opposite happened. The weird thing about limerence is it doesn’t seem to matter what kind of person the LO is. But nowadays, I might remember some things, regret some things, but the LE is long gone.
Serial,
“The weird thing about limerence is it doesn’t seem to matter what kind of person the LO is.”
That’s so weird to try and fathom when you put it like that, isn’t it?!
@LAR
And then you have the people who “make sense” on paper but have no chemistry! No sense at all!
@Serial Limerent
Thank you for the kind words.
Jmmo
Hi ⛺️,
I’m so sorry about your loss… Please take some time to grieve, it’s very, very important.
Please ignore your xLO’s ❤️ sign, she starts to manipulate you again… (between colleagues, one does not use ❤️ to appropriately thank; in my very-PC professional environment, no one use any emojis, at most :-).
❄️
Thank you dear. Your words are appreciated.
Regarding the ❤️, that was my thought. It felt like she was trying to open a dialogue. If she was, it didn’t work. I ignored it and will continue to.
⛺️ x
❄️
I posted the wrong emoji! Wanted to be sure you saw my response!!
@csc
Thank you for your most kind words and thoughts.
You’re right. Thoughts of “that woman” haven’t abated, but I had begun the process of reframing them before our family loss. I’m still doing everything I can to avoid any type of physical or visual contact, and, as I said, I steadfastly ignored any overtures she may have been making in her email last week.
Whilst I believe I am out of LE, I know that in the truest definition others may argue that I am not, as xLO still occupies such space in my brain. However I truly feel that I am now in recovery: where I know what I was addicted to was very bad for me – and I am now in “rehab”. I am much more focussed now on working out what I need to do to make this my last ever LE. To me, this LE is over – as I said: disdain and indifference.
I hope that you are well BLP. I look forward to speaking to you soon xx
Jmmo
Jmmo ⛺,
I really like the ‘rehab’ analogy. As a community, we needed a label to acknowledge / capture that post DoH stage where we are no longer pursuing the LO, we know that breaking away is right and are actively doing so, but the LO hasn’t disappeared from our mind. It is not that we can just flick a switch and make them disappear.
I guess that we limerents are lifelong ‘rehabbers’ anyway. It eventually becomes rehab not from that particular LO, but from the danger of falling back into it (like any addict in a way).
Condolences from me too for your loss Jmmo. I hope you and the family are doing as OK as can be at this difficult time.
🚜
LaR 🚜
Exactly. You put it very eloquently. An alcoholic doesn’t have to just give up whisky or vodka, they have to adopt a total “NC” approach to any form of alcohol, or contact with it.
We are absolutely all in rehab aren’t we? We’ve either realised, through multiple LEs, that we are vulnerable, or as some are, in the process of making that discovery about themselves.
I’d be happy for the community to use the rehab analogy. I would love it if it became useful to folks here.
Perhaps we could set a tent up at #LimFest25…???
Oh, and thank you for your kind words. We’re all hurting, she meant so much to us all (it’s big family!), but we’re doing as well as possible. I really appreciate your condolences.
⛺️
Hi @jmmo and (LaR)
Well, Jmmo, yes, you seem to have a real handle on this. I understand what you mean, though, it is very disorienting to lose oneself for a year or more, in limerence, and then to expect to snap back into normal rhythms…it’s probably not realistic. 🙂 I feel that too.
And, for us long term limerents, with many LE’s…and that tendency…recovery takes on a very different aspect.
I too love your idea of rehab. If this was not an addiction, I don’t know what is. Also, rehab implies a time when we would learn coping skills in a focused way…particular to what we are dealing with, and, ways to make sure we do not end up in the same addiction again.
I’d been thinking “Well, I’m off the high plains! I’m off the boring slog of withdrawing.” …but I hadn’t had a name for the next phase of what I am doing. I love that you offered that….you offered up exactly what I needed, a word to hold onto, while I go into this next phase…
I cannot do this again. I cannot. I have done it three times in as many years! My heart feels like it’s been put through a meat-grinder…I am a major candidate for rehab, sweet rehab!
…and yes, I will be there at #LimFest25 – I will no longer be living in a crumpled refrigerator box, out near the barbed wire fencing. I plan to ride a painted pony. 🙂
csc
Csc and Jmmo,
Should I get us a bucking bronco for #limfest25? I’m sure a few limerents could release a few of their feelings on one.
I think back to getting over exes and an ex-friend and it could take me a VERY long time. Sometimes months, sometimes years. Just a slow process of grieving and being around friends and half-heartedly doing other things and then, eventually, starting to find pleasure and joy in doing other things.
Serial,
Would you include xLOs in that? I think they should be given the respect – to admit that it will need grieving time, as it is someone who you felt close to (illusion or not) being removed, or at least removed from the close role they held for you.
@Snow
Yes, I consider them XLO’s because the pain of the breakup is the pain of unrequited limerence. You still care but they don’t anymore.
To JMMO:
Sorry I am a latecomer. I am so sad to hear of the loss of your loved one. So many tragedies in life.
csc
Oh to see you ride that pony! #LimFest25 is gonna be a corker!!
It’s official then – we’re all in rehab !
Jmmo x
🚜 and csc
I think that it is a ruddy marvellous idea – although I am a bit concerned about what kind of feelings you’re referring …. 😂🫣
#LimFest25
⛺️
Dear Norma
Thank you so much, that is very sweet of you.
I hope you’re doing ok x
Jmmo
Hello all.
CSC – thank you for the update. It reminds me how real these things are. When we’re in a thick of it, it’s hard to step back and understand what’s going on inside our heads and how serious it is. Sending strength. I’m sure the next few weeks will be easier than the last.
hi @monochrome 🙂
thank you so much…yes, getting easier, or, at least, shifting from what it was….which was the slog of a looong withdrawal. and the clearing of a major depressive fog, to see more clearly.
yes, limerence is real, and serious. the withdrawal is serious. and, limerence itself is serious. it is such a detriment that it is not seen as a “real” thing…dismissed by many! we don’t dismiss diabetes, or strep throat, we don’t dismiss pregnancy, or alcoholism…we don’t dismiss other things that happen, but…this? well, the limerent is utterly alone, unless they find resources like LwL and the like…
i truly feel this is something real, that happens to people, and should be taken as seriously as any other condition. for people, like me…and others…to repeatedly lose years of their lives down a hole of unrequited feelings…to that physical reality of feeling so lost, so divided from life…it is real, and serious.
i have had so many of these, they are so painful…thank goodness for peers, here, and for the resources available. this particular le was horrific for me. idk what i would have done without the growing body of support (and people here who can identify)….i would probably have been totally lost for multiple years…maybe forever.
i hope you’re faring well….how are you? i hope today is a good one and you are feeling steady, content and relaxed. 🙂 x csc
@csc
Thank you! Some days I feel as though I’m making progress, and some days I feel as though I have made no progress and I’m a thoroughly lousy human being. I just have to remind myself it’s a slow process. I just feel so bad that I already have everything I could dream of, and yet this limerence has marred my enjoyment of it. (Married limerent here). Thank goodness for Dr L and this site to make sense of what’s going on in my crazy head.
hi @monochrome
yes, i understand that, for sure. ups and downs…that phrase doesn’t do it justice. i am calling it, i guess….”weirdness”….like, one day i think “ok, this happened, and i am handling it. good for me. i took a bad situation and did right for myself.”…..other days i’m like “i’m a middle-aged woman who lost years of her life in folly, what a bag and a hag i am. wtf was i even thinking. i’m not special, just gullible and delusional” etc etc…
i am not married, but, i do have a serious SO, and i understand having to manage the catastrophe of an LE (and withdrawal etc.) and put on a normal face for SO…it takes an extraordinary amount of mental energy…the guilt, the disorientation…the feeling of dishonesty and shame, the secrecy…it’s all very very hard.
anyway- if it helps, i think i can relate…i send you strength…and if you want to elaborate, i am here to listen.
xo.
csc
To CSC:
I know your comment wasn’t addressed to me, but I feel as if it was.
I am having a rough time, made tougher by well-meaning but unkind people who are not helpful. “Tough love” does not work with me and only makes things worse.
You have been nothing but kind to me, and you have been an inspiration and an uplifting presence.
@csc Thank you! Yes, the mental energy of the dishonesty, shame and secrecy, when it is all inside our heads and there is nothing tangible to show for it. It’s tiring!
Hard to elaborate without providing more details. Whenever I try to describe more about my situation I end up giving up and deleting the paragraph. I think the basic problem of being a married limerent is pretty well understood here, though. Being limerent doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. I really do love him. But the deep love of a decades long life together is very different from the intoxicating thrill of ogling someone new. Admiring from afar increases their allure, because a fantasy figure can be perfect.
@Norma Desmond We’ve all been following your story and are wishing you well. I hope you meet someone who deserves your affections. And that when you do you are sufficiently recovered to be able to grab the opportunity.