The ultimate solution to limerence is purposeful living.
That’s because limerence is a hyperactive mental state that needs to be de-escalated, built on an underlying psychological vulnerability that needs to be addressed. The way to do that is first deal with the emergency, and then review your life.
One important aspect of purposeful living is the pursuit of a meaningful occupation. This could be a job, of course, but could also be an artistic project, a charitable effort, a sport, a hobby – any form of skillful, active engagement that involves building, creating, and improving.
How do you find such an occupation?
One age-old suggestion is to “follow your passion,” but this has rather fallen out of vogue recently with the justly cynical view that it’s a bit vague and impractical. More realistically, you have to cultivate passion for something that is valued enough by other people to make it economically viable for you to pursue it.
Another common piece of advice is to do something that “gives you energy”. I like this more, as it means you have dedication built in. It’s easy to sustain motivation if you are naturally enlivened by whatever you are working on.
There are some pitfalls, though. One is that energy can come from both positive and negative sources. There is a lot of feverish energy online in the endless tribal conflicts of the culture war (and some people make good livings from their contributions, admittedly), but it’s often driven by outrage – it’s a consuming, rather than creative, energy.
So, is there a better way to find a purposeful occupation? Well, I think one very helpful clue comes from the experience of “flow state”.
What is flow state?
Flow state is the experience of losing yourself completely in an activity. It’s that mental state of total immersion in what you are doing, of having your attention focused on something so intently that the rest of the world fades into the background. Artists experience it when absorbed in their work. Scientists when engrossed in data analysis. Writers when lost in their secondary worlds.
During flow state, your perception of time goes wonky. Your awareness of bodily needs dulls. Your concerns and worries are forgotten – or at least, temporarily withdraw from the front of your mind. Time passes both slowly and rapidly. You are fully present in the moment, but then look up to find the shadows have lengthened and you’ve forgotten to feed the cat.
Flow state is also rewarding. You emerge from it feeling emotionally nourished, satisfied with meaningful achievement, contented. It’s a source of happiness rather than pleasure, and that’s why I think it is such a useful tool for both purposeful living and limerence recovery.
The neuroscience of flow state
The first thing to note is that flow can be thought of an altered mental state, just as limerence can. However, the nature of that mental state is profoundly different.
Limerence is characterised by euphoria, overarousal, and emotional intensity. Flow is more like detachment. Your ego is on standby while you focus on a task. There is sufficient arousal to keep your attention, so you are neither bored nor excited. It’s kind of a happy medium zen state of being purposefully engaged.
Another parallel with limerence, is that there isn’t a lot of research literature on the neuroscience of flow state, specifically. But, a lot can be learned from research on attention, arousal and cognition, and from the psychology of performance.
Performance on a mentally-challenging task follows a bell shaped curve, known as the Yerkes-Dodson curve. Too easy a task is boring and dull. Too difficult a task is frustrating and stressful. Maximum performance occurs when the task is just challenging enough to be satisfying.
This performance curve is mirrored by mechanisms of arousal. Flow state occurs at a Goldilocks level of arousal, which is mediated by our old friend noradrenaline – released mainly from neurons in the locus coeruleus.
Too little arousal and you’re lethargic and distracted. Just enough arousal and your locus coeruleus will be releasing noradrenaline all over your brain, improving cognitive performance and activating reward systems. Too much arousal and noradrenaline switches on the stress systems, impairing cognitive performance and making you anxious and distracted.
Another aspect of flow state is that it seems to be associated with a decrease in activity in the parts of the frontal cortex linked to self-reflexive thinking. When we are absorbed in a task, our self-scrutinizing decreases. Some researchers have hypothesised that activity in all the “executive” centres of the brain is generally depressed (good review here), which would fit with a concept that the cognitively demanding processes of review, interpretation and calculation are suspended. Flow feels effortless.
Flow and limerence
From this overview, it should be clear that flow and limerence are profoundly different mental states. That has two implications. First, limerence makes it harder to enter flow state.
When in a state of perpetual overarousal, it is difficult to concentrate on anything other than LO. Furthermore, although the executive centres are compromised when it comes to self-control and resisting limerent urges, limerent reverie is often characterised by intense self-reflection – questioning your choices and actions, reviewing and rehearsing encounters, trying to figure out how to become more attractive to LO.
Second, and less obviously, flow state offers a route to relief from limerence symptoms. Psychology emerges from physiology, but it’s a two-way system. If you can find ways into flow state, it will dampen arousal, quieten self-reflection, and “take you out of yourself” for as long as it lasts.
Flow is a kind of counter-limerence state. It’s enjoyable, but unmoored from daily concerns, so it provides a healthy reward and a temporary suspension of the mania.
How to find flow
The sweet spot for flow is to find a task that is right at the limits of your ability. Then, try and ride the wavefront. One way of seeking flow is to identify something that you enjoy doing, and push yourself to go just a little beyond your current level of skill.
Let’s say you enjoy crossword puzzles – try finding a new compiler and set yourself a goal of solving a certain number in a certain time. If you are athletic, try beating your personal best or trying a new sport. If you like painting, try a new medium and aim to complete a piece in it by the end of the month. If you are technical, try learning a new programming language. Or writing a new app.
There are two parts to this: pick something you enjoy, and then try to “gamify” it to track performance. That way you know you are working at the edge of your skills, but not getting madly frustrated, and you’ll get a boost of dopamine and serotonin when you succeed. Flow is great for mood enhancement.
I’ve chosen fairly low-key examples of possible activities to illustrate the idea, but this same principle can be scaled up to the most important occupation in your life. Flow can guide you to long-term occupations that will be reliably fulfilling. If you can find a task for which flow comes easily and quickly, that is the perfect way to find a passion that energises you.
And that leads us back to purposeful living. If you are engaged in an occupation that provides regular doses of mood-nourishing flow, you are far less likely to seek limerent thrills to alleviate either boredom or stress.
Nothing beats contended mastery.
Fantastic topic Dr. L, I wish we could have more on this. I have been aware of the term “flow state” since reading Cal Newport’s great book Deep Work, and tried to look more into the topic but found little literature for a layperson like myself with the exception of one book called Flow by a Hungarian-American psychologist. Anyway, Newport suggests that the ability to get into a flow state at work, for, say, a few hours per day, is both very rewarding for career success but also a habit that is not easy and must be cultivated intentionally. He explains why living in the distracted world we do now makes this even more challenging, but not impossible, and what can be done at a practical level about this. For me, being able to cultivate a flow state at work over the past year has helped me feel so much better about my career and has been a key cornerstone of purposeful living post-LE.
Yeah, Deep Work is a great book. Really enjoyed it, and managed to implement the plans for… oh at least a couple of weeks.
Probably need a post on the neuroscience of procrastination next 🙂
I like this!
My first Flow State was playing Dungeons & Dragons in college. D&D can be addictive. I know two people who got so caught up in it that they flunked out. D&D didn’t do anything to help my GPA.
When I started playing golf and bought my first set of new clubs, I went to three golf stores, hit clubs, took notes on the ones I liked. I came back and tried the top 3 at each again, and one new set. It took me 3 weeks to decide on a set of clubs.
I set up an Excel spreadsheet that tracked every round I played by course and hole. I knew what courses I scored well on and what holes kicked my fanny.
I was 58 years old and been taking oboe lessons for less than 6 months when I did my first recital. I did “I Left My Heart In San Francisco” and “Spanish Eyes.” I was horrible but I muscled through them. My teacher said I have more ambition than ability. The owner of the music store says she heard songs coming from me that she never expected to come out of an oboe and that she always knew when I was in the building. [Oboes are the most penetrating instruments in the orchestra]. I’m better but playing to a score just seems to escape me. You’re not going to find me in the pit of the Kennedy Center performing “Music of the Night” anytime soon. Put a metronome on to a song I know, and I’ll be right on the beat.
Put a score in front of me for a song I don’t know, turn on a metronome, and a junior high school kid keeps better time than I do. I bought my last oboe at Howarth’s of London. Going to Howarth’s wasn’t the primary reason I went to London on that trip. It was #2. But, I love my oboe.
I’m cheap. When I took up craft brewing, I bought most of the stuff off Craigslist. I’d look at it daily. I brewed 12 bottle batches. I figured out that Costco frosting buckets make just the right size fermenters for a 12-pack and they were free. My wife gave me permission to add a 240V circuit in the basement but it was cost prohibitive. I joined the local craft beer club and I won two ribbons in my first year of brewing. Then, the doctor told me I had to give up beer, which stinks, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I dropped 50lbs and my A1C dropped 3 points.
My wife wishes I get into flow states for things like yard work. Her parents’ lawn looks like Versailles. Probably not going to happen.
Flow states are cool.
Not a bad roster of hobbies that! Woodworking is a good one for me. It takes me much longer to finish a project than it should, because I get lost in the perfectionism of getting everything exactly plumb.
I got Cs in woodshop class and art. The only “D” I got in grade school was in penmanship. My 5th grade teacher made me do extra penmanship exercises. They didn’t help. My drafting prof in college said that I not only wrote lousy, I printed lousy, and that lettering templates were made for me. Our office admin said that word processers were made for me.
But, the best one was junior high art class. I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler. My mother was a part-time commercial artist for a greeting card company and my father had a Mechanical Engineering degree. I inherited none of their talents.
We were doing a sculpture unit. I made a figurine. I was shooting for a man in a reverent bow, like you’d see at a shrine. The guy had a tilt and the glaze was blotchy. The teacher asked what it was and I said, “Man in Prayer.”
She said it looked more like “Man with Appendicitis. C.”
Teachers were more candid in those days.
LE,
“Teachers were more candid in those days.”
Candid or running you over with their car? I had to give a speech in English class in 10th grade. I am horrible at public speaking. The teacher wrote on my grade card, “Were you trying to self-destruct?” I was 15 and obviously painfully nervous. Who writes something like that? Can you imagine if she did that today? I should have shown it to the parentals so they could complain to the school, but I was mortified.
Marcia,
If the teacher was worth anything, the note would have said, “Come talk to me and we’ll work on it.”
The criticism itself wasn’t bad. Not explaining it and offering to help improve things made it personal.
The teacher turned it from a critique of your work to an indictment of you. That’s bad.
LE,
“The criticism itself wasn’t bad.”
Really? I thought it was unnecessarily snarky and nasty and hardly invited me to ask for help. I never wanted to talk to her again. I was an A student in the class. I was prepared and had done my research. I was just nervous and blew threw it really quickly.
Marcia,
It sounds like the teacher was well aware of your ability and was disappointed in this project. I remember the teachers that I liked best were often the most blunt with me.
My Lieutenant at the reactor prototype would refer to me as his “pet rock.”
LE,
No, she was just a b***h. We had a sub come in and finish out the year at some point. I don’t remember why or exactly when, but I couldn’t have been happier. The sub actually had a soul.
Marcia,
My wife has been an elementary school teacher for over 30 years. I’ve met a lot of teachers in that time.
A disproportionate number of them didn’t like children.
LE,
“A disproportionate number of them didn’t like children.”
It’s possible she didn’t, yes. I don’t mind someone being tough. I just don’t like nasty.
I love Science-y pieces like this!
I was walking in the park this week and saw the pleine-aire artists as they gazed at the lake, behatted and brush in hand. No doubt they were in deep flow and their limerence was washing away…..
And they get to make some beauty happen too…
“There are two parts to this: pick something you enjoy, and then try to “gamify” it to track performance. ”
For a few minutes every morning I get in flow state till I solve Wordle 🙃
I really enjoyed this piece.
There are many things where I get in a flow state… typically when I am producing or creating something or solving problems – writing a paper, writing code (or hunting for cause of bugs), creating presentations, writing speeches, or trying a new recipe. I definitely forget LO… and practically everything else.
However, LO intrusive thoughts come swarming back – typically when I’m doing something passive like watching TV, or just randomly (i live a lot in my head). Can’t be possibly in intense flow state always. So while very gratifying, it does not seem to solve LE for me.
Interesting!
I also love doing all those things in life that induce this state of mind. I look forward to those weeks at work when I am spending extended stretches of time on something that puts me into that intense timeless concentration. It really does effortlessly kill my reveries and rumination for a while, and gives my head the breather it so desperately needs.
Of course, it does not cure my LE and I suspect it would not be healthy to be in this state all the time… you do need to be aware of the here and now in life, and a healthy mind and body does need to spend time ‘being rather than doing’.
I also use mindfulness and mediation to dial down the hyperactive mental state of limerence. Not as effortless as flow state but I find the impact is longer lasting.
Wow – I love a bit of “flow state”, I mean who doesn’t?! I found this piece to be an excellent read as it really resonated with me.
Now that I’m out of the worst part of my LE, I look back and realise that my LO created a flow state with a project we worked on together at work. And when that project came to an end, and we had to part ways, I felt so sad that project was over (due to that flow state it gave me perhaps?)
That’s when all the intense feelings started as I was missing that “flow state” and all that dopamine and seratonin (satisfaction) that project gave me. I also feel that maybe working on something together, there was also quite a bit of oxytocin created as we bonded over bringing something to fruition/light/success? And then knowing we may never see each other again as we said goodbye – kind of a recipe for all sorts of special feelings to kick in for me.
I think it didn’t help that outside that project some crappy things were going on for me – so once it was over, reality hit like a tonne of bricks.
Besides telling this person I missed working with them, I knew that for the better, I had to shut it down for mine and their sake. Toughest thing ever!! Plus trying to soldier on afterwards – gee yuk, it’s been a horrid roller coaster personally. Feels like the worst thing I’ve endured with so much else coming to the surface during the heartache. But I do feel it’s helped me to face my emotions head on as I continue to move forward and live life more purposeful.
Still searching for those flow states without having an LO involved 😊
I can really relate to this… I have similarly shared a flow state with LO a few times on our more intense work tasks. One of which was the turning point for my admiration to turn into much deeper feelings thus tipping me down the rabbit hole. The same for him I think, though not maybe not limerence in his case.
This was the absolute best of times as far as I am concerned… to be fully and effortlessly absorbed in an interesting task alongside LO, at the same time as being able to truly enjoy the (work) connection with him in the moment without any obsessing.
Song of the Blog: “I’ve Got My Mind Set On You ” – George Harrison (1987)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItNsvINsm-4
“And this time I know it’s for real
The feelings that I feel
I know if I put my mind to it
I know that I really can do it”
Onward and upward!
This is my first post here. I think purposeful living is probably the most powerful way to survive limerence.
I’ve struggled with limerence over a year now for someone I met online. I’m no longer in contact with him, and it didn’t end well. The experience caused me some of the most horrific emotional pain of my life. It turned my life upside down. Nothing like it had ever happened to me before. I’m still trying to overcome it and make sense of why I got so lost in it.
As much as I still struggle with the pain every day, I’ve tried very hard to use the experience as a way to grow. It has undeniably transformed me in positive ways. I’ve started to work diligently on improving my life. I’ve started to really love myself. I’ve been exploring spirituality and finding great comfort in it. I’ve opened myself to other connections and made some beautiful friendships. I’ve been connecting to my creativity again through writing. I meditate. I’m eating healthier and losing weight. I’m not the same woman I was before I met him. Sometimes, I mourn her. Other times, I feel deep gratitude that I’m undergoing this very necessary transformation.
All of this is to say, finding purpose and meaning in your life is essential. When you lose yourself in a person, you can lose everything. I had times during the darkest days of my limerence when I didn’t want to be alive because I just wanted the pain to end. I started to listen to the limerence. What it told me was that I was miserable, and I was searching for completion and comfort in another person, in someone who, in the end, did not care about me. I had to start caring about me. I had to look at the state of my life and take responsibility for it and make changes.
I’m still in the depths of the pain. I am not over this yet. I still have horrible days. But I think I’m doing a lot of things right. In general, connecting to life in a deeper way has been beneficial. I’ve found meaning through friendship, creativity, spirituality, nature, and inside myself. I hope to heal from this experience. I hope to emerge from this darkness once and for all. I’m going toward life and light and connection and love. Even if you can’t find a specific purpose, like a career or hobby, I think you can find purpose in being alive and connecting to the world around you and what is inside of you.
I feel I have done the same – it’s like an awakening in some way even after going through so much pain I feel I really appreciate the simple things of like what you said, just being alive and connecting to the world around me. Well done on your road to recovery xx
I’m unmedicated and could barely read this but God I hope going to air force BMT in May does whatever you’re talking about to me.
I just need to be psychologically tortured and exercised constantly for 8 weeks bro if that doesn’t make me forget about her idk what will
Good luck in the AF!
My buddy’s son reported to Lacklund AFB for BMT at the end of January.
Can I ask what the appeal of the military is? I don’t meant that sarcastically, but what draws someone to it? I do not like being told what to do, and I don’t like being rustled up into group activities, so I always thought it was the wrong occupation for me (not that that doesn’t describe a lot of jobs).
Marcia,
“Can I ask what the appeal of the military is?”
That answer depends on the person.
For me:
I was raised to believe we owed something to the society we lived in. The Navy paid for my college. I got to ride nuclear submarines which is pretty cool. Subs weren’t my first choice but it was a good choice. I made a career out nuclear power.
When “Top Gun” came out in 1985, you had to beat women off with a stick if you were wearing Tropical Whites and aviator sunglasses. I was in the Reserves when it came out. LO #2 liked to see me in it and liked to be seen with me in it.
“I do not like being told what to do, and I don’t like being rustled up into group activities, so I always thought it was the wrong occupation for me (not that that doesn’t describe a lot of jobs).”
The military isn’t for everybody. My daughter has a similar opinion to yours.
LE,
“When “Top Gun” came out in 1985, you had to beat women off with a stick if you were wearing Tropical Whites and aviator sunglasses.”
I never got into Tom Cruise when the movie came out. Too All American. And when I see the movie now, I think there is more chemistry between Cruise and Val Kilmer than Cruise and Kelly McGillis.
But I know it was a very popular movie.
Marcia,
“And when I see the movie now, I think there is more chemistry between Cruise and Val Kilmer than Cruise and Kelly McGillis.”
You’re not the only person with that sentiment…
https://www.theringer.com/movies/2020/5/14/21257278/top-gun-call-signs-ranked
Actually, the movie came out in 1986.
But, I have say that at the end of 1984, in that uniform or “Choker Whites” [graduation scene], LO #2 and I were a dashing couple. We made each other’s stock go up. Junior officers are judged by the company they kept and my superior officers’ wives just loved LO #2. She was a professional asset to me.
I thought we had the world by the ass. I was wrong.
LE,
“We made each other’s stock go up. Junior officers are judged by the company they kept and my superior officers’ wives just loved LO #2. She was a professional asset to me.”
You are talking to an Enneagram 4. Peoples’ stock has no meaning to me, unless they’ve accomplished something absolutely extraordinary. 🙂
Now, if I were you, I would have showed up with the woman whose skirt was a little too tight hair a little too big, etc. That would have been fun. 🙂
This seems to have wandered off the topic of flow state, somewhat 🙂
Reminder that there is a community forum for general chat and gossip.
Marcia,
“Now, if I were you, I would have showed up with the woman whose skirt was a little too tight hair a little too big, etc. That would have been fun. 🙂”
I actually did that. The woman was a waitress at a restaurant I frequented. She was one of the first women I dated when I showed up at my first sub and I invited her to a Wardroom function. It was a semi-formal LBD affair. She said she didn’t have the money for a dress so I gave her some.
She showed up like she was going clubbing. She was completely out of her element. I was told that my taste in dates was “interesting.”
She was divorced with a son. I liked the kid better than I liked her. We only dated a few months.
Another thread successfully hijacked!
Understood, DrL.
Every time things get interesting, things get shut down.
Every time things get interesting, things get shut down.
Flow is the best feeling ever. It doesn’t happen as often as I’d like it to but when it does it’s awesome. My first experience with it was running late one morning to get my toddler and myself out of the house on time. I was feeling slightly overwhelmed and then suddenly everything fell into place and became effortless, like a dance. There was no worry or stress, there was just doing, competently. The euphoria and wonder of it has never truly left me and I’ve had subsequent experiences but not as powerful.
I wonder if this also goes the other way round:
I’ve been sufficiently over my LO for a couple of years now and found a lot of purpose and flow in my work + having a great relationship, but in the recent months works has become more at more frustrated as I’ve been getting close to burnout + there have been some relationship issues.
At the same time, I’ve gotten in touch again with my LO on social network when I noticed her due being contacted by a common friend. I haven’t had the desire to contact her while things were going well for me.
In recent years, I’ve developed limerence for a co-worker, despite both of us having long-time relationships (mine exceeding 20 years).
Our connection has grown deeper over the past year, transitioning from colleagues to close friends. We share daily routines, coffee breaks, lunches, and engage in personal conversations during and outside office hours, even on vacation. We occasionally engage in playful teasing, and my messages may have a flirtatious tone, which she seems to enjoy.
During our company’s Christmas party, we had a bit to drink, danced together, and even left the party holding hands, although we didn’t cross any boundaries. The next days were literally hell for me. After arguing with my partner about unrelated matters, I got very very close to considering ending the relationship. My limerant brain obviously telling me that in that case me and my LO were finally able to get together.
However, today at lunch time, something in my mind just clicked. My LO really is into travelling and explained to me all the different trips she has done with her partner. At that point I realized that she is very happy with him and isn’t interested in anything but a sincere friendship.
So I started analysing why I got limerent for her and realised that I’m extremely bored. My partner doesn’t really enjoy anything but staying at home watching Netflix. She’s not into travelling, we don’t have any hobbies together, not even shared friends. The most exciting thing we do is going out for dinner once or twice a month.
Realising that my LO isn’t available and that the root cause of my limerence is my unhappy relationship, dissipated a lot of my limerence. I felt like I did when I discovered the concept of limerence here. Having identified the cause at least gives me the chance to address it. Although it has always been in front of my eyes, I just realised today.
I’ve got an appointment with my therapist soon to begin addressing this. Maybe I can fix my relationship or find the courage to start a new life chapter.
Sorry for the long post, I’ve tried to keep it short. I just wanted to share this because just writing it down and sharing it with other people feels therapeutic. Hopefully it also helps others the overcome their limerence.
Welcome MotoNomad1250! I’m so glad you joined us. Let’s talk about a few things from your post…
You held hands with your LO? What were you thinking?!? Okay, I got that out, now let’s move on.
You are bored. You need a new hobby. I will suggest a few. My LO2 loves hiking and backpacking. My LO3 loves motocross, basketball, strength training and distance running. Lost in Space does triathlons. Adam likes to go for walks and play video games with his sons. Mila recently started running. I think Speedwagon plays guitar. I love distance running. You could say that I am addicted to it. I am recovering from a 50-mile ultra marathon so I can’t do long runs right now. It makes me sad when I think about it. I can do long bike rides and hikes. I can also do aerobics without a problem which is kind of weird. Anyway, does any of that sound fun? What do you like? Oh, I almost forgot to mention that my SO loves to sing (his voice is incredible), do home projects and ride his bike. What do you like? It’s time to try something exciting. Maybe beekeeping? Do you like bees?
My favorite things that make me happy are gratitude, sunshine and exercise.
I hope you find something you like.
Thanks for your message.
Yes, I definitively need to discover (and rediscover) new hobbies. The thing is that it’s sad having to do them alone because my SO doesn’t have to drive to do anything other than staying at home.
I now I shouldn’t compare my LO with my SO, but through this I have realized what I’m really missing from my SO. I feel jealous of all the things they do.
Another problem is that my physical attraction to my SO has been fading over the past weeks and I barely feel the need to fix our relationship.
The only reason I haven’t broken up with her is because of my fear of being alone, hurting her or regretting it in the future.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to see my therapist. Hopefully he can help me.
2020 and pandemic have had some heinous and long lasting effects on a lot of people. Before the pandemic started my wife and I would at least take a weekly date night. Sometimes go out more than once a week. Of course when the pandemic started we had to abandon that. But for a while we still spent time together. Go get carry out and eat in our bedroom together for a “date”.
In the ensuing years my wife has gotten more agoraphobic. I can rarely get her to leave the house. And if she does it’s because we need to go to the store and she’s the designated driver. I’ve actually knowingly drank when I know we need to go to the store just so she has to take me. Even if it is to the grocery store, we get to go out together. So I very much understand you. This is one of the longest running lows she has been in due to her bipolar.
Now SHE was ever the energetic and driven person. We too were co-workers. Though she has since left leaving me in NC. Which is a good thing.
Since HER departure I have been trying with small things one at a time to get my wife more motivated to do things. I don’t try to push her, but just gently nudge her from time to time. I have also engaged our youngest son playing online video games with him in the evenings after work to pass the time. So maybe my wife will see us having fun together and get motivated to engage herself.
Best of luck to you MotoNomad. I hope that your wife and you can connect again and be a couple. It’s really scary when you start seeing them as a room mate and not your spouse.
I’m sorry, MotoNomad1250, it’s hard when your LO is more interesting than your SO. Will your SO allow you freedom to pursue your interests? Mine lets me do fun stuff even if it doesn’t interest him. Wanna hear something funny? My SO started running because I love running. He is getting good at it. I think he was motivated because some of my running friends are attractive males. My SO decided he should keep himself involved. He attends all of my races and he is the best pit crew anyone could ask for. If you start pursuing your interests, your SO might surprise you and join in.
Limerence can cause a person to devalue their spouse. You might be going through a temporary phase of devaluing your spouse. It would be unfortunate if you made permanent changes because of your limerence.
Hi MotoNomad1250, thanks for sharing your story here! I can see a lot of similarities with my own story. I’ve also been with my SO for 20 years and have been limerent for a coworker for the past year, and had a year-long LE with another coworker a few years ago (they’d be LO3 and LO4 in my lifetime). And all of the things you mentioned played big roles for me – boredom with my own life, boredom with my SO and her apparent lack of interest in doing anything, decreased attraction to my SO, and being attracted to LO’s exciting lifestyle in case of LO3 (LO4’s life is actually a bit more boring than mine, so that’s not a factor this time)
I’m curious about your SO and your life together. Have you spent the last 20 years being bored with her never wanting to do anything while you always wanted to be more active? Or did she used to be more active and something changed in her recently? Or did you used to be like her, content with a slow-paced quiet life, and now in midlife you feel like you want more?
In my case it was a little of all of that. At the start of both of my last two LEs, my SO was really languishing – I’d leave for work with her still in bed and come home to find her laying on the couch half watching tv while playing on her phone, and that’s basically how she spent the majority of every day. Meanwhile LO3 was single with an exciting life with lots of travel, exciting experiences, a big circle of interesting friends, and life with her just seemed so much more exciting than life with SO.
Eventually I realized a few things. I realized that my SO had not always been like that, and that she was going through an episode of pretty bad depression, and she needed help and support, not scorn and betrayal. And I also realized that I’m actually a pretty quiet introvert who likes spending a fair amount of time at home and values time alone or just with my SO, and while LO3’s lifestyle seemed really appealing to me, deep down I knew it would have been really exhausting and unsustainable for me to try to keep up with her, because that life just isn’t for me. But of course the fantasy of this exciting life with LO3 seemed vastly superior to the reality of life with SO at that time, especially with my mind fogged by limerence.
So I’m really glad that you’re starting therapy for yourself before making any big decisions that can’t be taken back later! You are very wise for doing that. In my case, I’m now seeing a therapist, my SO is seeing a therapist, and we also have a couples counselor. And it’s helping a lot! I’m dealing with a lot of my feelings like anxiety, insecurity and midlife restlessness, my SO’s depression is significantly improved and she’s back to being a fun person who’s interested in doing a lot more stuff, and we’re enjoying our relationship a lot more now too. (It hasn’t eliminated the limerence for LO4, but at least I’m happy with my marriage now and I’m not seriously considering crossing any major boundaries with LO4, which is a major improvement compared to a year ago!)
I’m also curious – do you have many friends? Or has it mostly just been you and your SO over the years? For me, I tend to not have a close circle of friends and my SO was pretty much my main activity partner for most of my life, so when she got depressed and withdrawn it really affected my ability to go out and do fun things, much more than it would’ve affected me if I’d had a big circle of guys friends that I routinely did stuff with. Reading your posts, I get the impression it might be that way for you too?
Moto Nomad 1250 hi,
Reading your post makes me feel angry with some SOs. How can SOs take their partners for granted in such a way that jeopardizes their marriages? Particularly if at middle age when people start examining their lives…might feel like having a rotting corpse at home when the SO becomes boring and neglectful of themselves. Sorry, if I’m blunt…
Seeing a therapist is a good start. If you don’t have children, it’s time to re-think your marriage, or confront your partner with the truth, the truth that you’re bored. I think that would get her startled and make her react in a positive way and probably try and go to therapy with you. If you have children things have to be handled more carefully if thinking of divorce. If you want to keep the marriage you’d have to start doing things together, lots of sharing hobbies. Togetherness… taking dancing classes, cooking lessons , swimming, maybe back to school at night classes for different hobbies like painting, sewing, DIY etc. That’s what me and my SO did at all times when we were younger; we even went for a spiritual journey! We were always investigating new things to do together. TV was not one of our hubbies, they were all outside activities, home, we cooked together. We even went gliding but I chickened out. We went for rides to other states checking museums, historical parks, anything of interest, the forest etc. My God, so many things to do with your SO, and the telephone and TV are keeping people locked up! Well my SO is very active, I’m a slow poke but I got to move and do things together or get bored to death. I get bored easily. After I’m rested from one thing I have to start something new next time around. I always took care of my body and looks, hair, nails , clothes etc. I still press my SO to be shaved and neat all the time. We feel alive! And we’re married 46 years now! Still looking good, except that limerence hit me last year for an old bf. But I’ll get over it, or I’ll die trying!
I noticed you’re smart and willing to try new things, so all is going to be ok . And don’t be afraid to be alone. We are how many billions now???
Good luck and best wishes for the Holidays.