I talk a lot about purposeful living, and why I think it’s the best cure for limerence. In part, that’s because limerence often manifests itself during periods of stress, grief, or other big disruptions to life, suggesting that it’s a reaction to emotional pain. There’s nothing like a big shock to make us question our lives and doubt our choices.
If we are living our lives with purpose, the impact of a life-shock is likely to be less severe than if we are rudderless – drifting along in a complacent autopilot mode is when we are most vulnerable to sudden, surprising collisions. A fulfilling life that gives us a sense of achievement, will make us much more resilient to the daily struggles that inevitably come from existing in a complicated world. If we are looking ahead with purpose, we know where we are going.
Simon Sinek has a thought experiment that I like. He uses it to illustrate how to inspire other people, but I think it’s also a good analogy for purposeful living.
If you give someone a clear goal: “walk from here to that corner of the room,” they know what to do. If you give them a vague goal: “start walking,” they will be hesitant, but will eventually get going.
Now, if you suddenly place a chair in each of these two people’s paths, they will react very differently. The first person will (perhaps after looking at you quizzically) walk around the chair and continue to the corner of the room. The second person will almost certainly stop dead. They will wonder what the chair means, why you’ve put it there, and what they should do now.
Sinek’s point is that having a clear goal means you know how to respond to obstacles – you just need to find a way around them. The path you take is determined by the destination, not by the state of the road right in front of you.
The analogy with purposeful living is hopefully obvious – you know where you are going. When you are living with purpose, you react to the slings and arrows of fate by thinking “how can I adapt to this, and get back on track?” In contrast, people who are living a life on autopilot are more likely to think, “what the hell do I do now? What does this mean?” They react to the new events in their life instinctively, rather than purposefully.
Instinct as a mixed blessing
Instinct can be very useful, in the same way that a knife is useful. Applied with skill, it can prepare food that sustains you. Used carelessly, it can wound. The secret is to understand where your instincts are coming from.
When it comes to limerence, it’s a fairly simple analysis. Presented with the hyper-reward of a limerent object, we instinctively seek more. I mean, who wouldn’t? Here’s this glorious source of pleasure and excitement, who makes us feel high every time they smile, and offers the promise of romantic adventure. It’s not exactly rocket surgery figuring out how most people will react.
But other instinctive drives kick in too. If we’re insecure about our own attractiveness, we act cautiously and exacerbate the uncertainty. If we’re married, we act erratically, feeling that our behaviour is compromising our integrity but struggling to resist the urge to seek LO. If we are vulnerable to mid-life crisis we tip into a re-examination of who we are and what we want from our lives. If we tend toward avoidant attachments we will feel fearful about the strength of our desire.
Basically, our instincts are a phantasmagorical milieu of all our past experiences, good and bad, protective and destructive, useful and harmful.
Purpose refines and overrides instinct
The unreliable nature of instinctive behaviour makes it a very risky way of responding to limerence. This is where purposeful living really comes into its own. When you have a purpose, you make decisions based on how well they serve that purpose, rather than what feels good in the moment. But it works even better than that. Not only does purposeful living give you the motivation to override your limerent instinct to seek LO, it actually refines and reshapes your instincts.
When you are living in a way that gives you satisfaction and fulfillment, you will become instinctively suspicious of anything that threatens to disrupt that life. When you are living a life of quiet desperation, you will instinctively welcome disruption, especially if it comes in the form of exhilarating, euphoric infatuation.
That knowledge is useful, but in the absence of a time machine to go back five years and make life more purposeful, what can be done now? If you are in the thick of a limerence episode, what is the purposeful response? Well, here’s one way of looking at it:
Right. Massive life disruption time is it? OK, then. I’ll take this opportunity to reshape my life into one that I actually want to live.
Finding purpose
The core of purposeful living is getting to the point where it feels good to be you. To get there, you need to know yourself properly, and understand what gives you fulfillment. You need to develop the skill of honest self-analysis, drop the ego and pride, and accept who you really are and embrace that. You’ll have limitations – we all do – but you’ll also have strengths. Areas where you can excel and leave others wondering how you do it.
Maybe you have an amazing work ethic. Maybe you are unusually empathetic. Maybe you are highly focused. Maybe you are a natural diplomat. Maybe you are funny, strong, generous, diligent, conscientious, solitary, passionate, thoughtful, clever, ambitious, caring, cautious, enthusiastic, or inspiring – any and all of those traits can be strengths. So play to them.
There’s an element of “find your passion, follow your dreams” to this, but purposeful living is a bit more earthy and pragmatic too. The goal is to find a way to make a living while doing something fulfilling, not to abandon your responsibilities and starve in a garret in the pursuit of artistic devotion. Purposeful living is about being the kind of person that you admire, focusing your energy and attention on the things that matter to you, and working to balance all of the demands and responsibilities that inevitably arise from a life of meaning.
Many people wonder how to even start on this process. They have been living a reactive life for so long, that they have lost touch with themselves. They have focused on others so much that they aren’t even sure what they really want.
There’s an exercise that I think really helps to resolve this problem, and all you need is a sheet of paper and a pen.
Fold the paper in half in both directions, so you end up with it divided into four quarters. Then decide on the four aspects of your life that matter most to you. Almost everyone will choose “love” and “health” as two of them, but the others can be more individual – work, money, travel, music, family, etc. Be honest. What really matters to you? Don’t be tempted to pick things that you think you should care about, but actually don’t.
Title the four quarters of the paper with those four life categories.
Now, imagine a life five years ahead of now. That’s long enough to realistically make a change, but not so long that it seems disconnected from who you are in the present. For each of the four categories, write a wish-list of how you want that aspect of your life to be. You might surprise yourself with your answers.
Once you have your list, you have some direction. That’s where you want to be. How far removed is it from where you currently are? What needs to change in your life to get you from where you are now to that ideal future? What is holding you back, and how can you remove those barriers?
You probably won’t be able to reach perfection, but you can make enormous strides forwards just by setting out where you actually want to go.
Living a purposeful life is all about working towards that ideal future. Purpose is solid. It is achieved through consistent labour. It decides the direction you aim towards, and guides you to a life of happiness and security.
Then, when limerence comes along and drops a chair in your way, you simply walk around it.
I followed the ‘avoidant attachments’ link and found your observation;
-“If anxious-preoccupied are more prone to limerence, then fearful-avoidant types are the perfect LOs – unpredictable, emotionally hot-and-cold, variably available or unattainable.”-
Which you obviously wrote for me as it is pretty much ‘right on the money’. LOL. I had not read about attachment categories before and found it fascinating.
Although out of the seriously depressive state for well over half a year now, my ‘limbic’ (which I hold responsible for the mess) keeps totally ‘unattainable’ LO on the daily menu of things to think about and thoughts that pass. It’s not a constant bore luckily. And reason&logic lobes deal with it quite well. Most of the time that is. Or as Lincoln once said ‘You can put LO out of your mind some of the time, sometimes all the time, but you cannot always put LO out of your mind all of the time.
With lots of stuff I simply don’t understand – to think about. Her curves remain fascinating as well. Hell, that’s what started the whole crazy thing.
Keep up the good work DrL.
I’m nurturing a little theory that the reason that limerence has not made much impact on the psychological literature is that attachment theory and co-dependency came along and captured a lot of the same territory. There’s overlap, but I think they aren’t the same thing. However those theories have been so successful (and useful) that limerence got left behind.
“I’m nurturing a little theory that the reason that limerence has not made much impact on the psychological literature is that attachment theory and co-dependency came along and captured a lot of the same territory.”
And that while limerence is so sexy. What’s wrong with these people?
Article of the Day: “Successful Change Programs Begin with Results” – Robert H. Schaffer and Harvey A. Thomson, Harvard Business Review, January–February 1992 Issue
https://hbr.org/1992/01/successful-change-programs-begin-with-results
This is a great article. The headquarters organization we worked for sent it to all its field units and told them to read it and report back on how to implement it.
Lowendj can put together “Phantasmagorical Milieu.” If they need oboe accents, I’m in! We can do covers of limerent classics and name our album, “Lyrics for Limerents!”
Goal: To be able to play oboe part of the first movement of Grieg’s “Morning Mood” well enough that in the infinitesimal chance I ever do encounter that redhead flutist, I’l l be good enough to keep up with her. So the result is a little vague as to defining “well enough” but I have an oboe teacher that can help refine that.
Goal: To hit the ABV level of the beer I’m trying to brew within 1% of what the recipe says it should be.
LOL Scharnhorst.
Alas, I have nothing to contribute, musically.
I’ll come along and cheer from the audience, when we’re finally free to have nice things like concerts again.
And thanks for the brilliant article, Scharnhorst. It’s fascinating.
And my god do I relate to the “rain dance” analogy. It’s one of the main reasons I stepped down from our management board…
Yeah, you either really appreciate the article or you don’t. I don’t know how many of my bosses I’ve given it to over the years but none of them got it.
Scharnhorst- excellent article, I had a chuckle at “Evangelistic enthusiasm”, so true. I’ll be passing this on to my SO as he would appreciate reading it too. SO is upper management for logistics and freight and constantly has to grapple with the millennial catch phrase “implementation of continuous improvement manuals” by over zealous external consultants.
As for my purposeful living goals:
– Letting go (if something persistently bothers my thoughts I try to write it down then burn the paper afterwards)
– Connect with SO more by doing joint activities. We’ve really lost the physical connection we used to have, it’s almost non-existent.
– Stop trying to please everyone by saying no more (a biggie for me)
– Continue my daily excercise schedule and working on self improvement.
– Accept more shifts from work. Busy life = busy mind = no time for ruminations
Agree DrL. Myself, SO and LO all have secure attachment styles so attachment theory is irrelevent to my LE. Connecting with someone I like, a midlife urge to experience romantic and sexual adventure again and a subsequent person addiction is the explanation that fits best for me.
My purposeful living goals:
1. For thrills, take up skydiving again (did this in my 20’s);
2. For meaning and connection, volunteer with Samaritans again;
3. Limerence proof my marraige by having counselling or sex therapy;
4. For deep sharing and connection, have more one-to-one meetups with close friends (currently always meetup with groups of friends so fun but not deep)
5. Continue current diet and exercise regime
And generally be more open to embracing all life has to offer rather than living
so small and safe.
All excellent goals, Allie. Great clarity of purpose!
Dr L, great blog this week. I totally subscribe to endeavouring to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be to help overcome limerence. I’d like to share 2 articles I read recently if I may, which others on here may be interested in:
https://pairedlife.com/love/overcomeinfatuation
https://hubpages.com/relationships/psychological-question
Thanks for the links Winst. I can’t open the second link for some reason it gives me a “page does not exist” error.
I have mentioned several times how fitness, weight loss and pride in my appearance are major goals of mine and are largely a result of my limerence (although I had at least started on my journey prior to my LE). That was one of the few things I was able to concentrate on for the longest time — probably because I subconsciously thought it would impress my LO. The motivation isn’t exactly nice as a married man, but I still want to continue leveraging that motivation for self-improvement. It is nice that I am able to keep it going even though I know I haven’t got a snowball’s chance in hell in being with my LO (although even just running into her in a few months’ time and having her compliment me on my appearance might be enough for me). However, I am pleased to say that I am now able to concentrate on other things like my job, career, finances, family life, social life and education without limerent ruminations destroying my concentration. I am also able to refocus my thoughts much more successfully when I set my mind to it. I am again thinking about some of the personal goals I had set or was thinking of setting prior to my LE taking hold of me. Those include education, personal interests, hobbies, music and developing fluency in a second language. I still ruminate about the lady and really like her, but I also find I am better able to handle the thought that I might never see her again without it breaking my heart. That has to be an improvement, no?
VL that’s a huge improvement. Looks like you are winning the limerence fight for domination of your mind and heart. Well done.
Thanks Jaideux! I am not completely out of the woods yet, but it is getting to be a little more manageable than it was.
I’m very pleased to hear this VL! Way to go!!
Thanks Emma. The limerence is still there, but it has subsided just enough to allow me to think clearly again, at least most of the time. Now begins the long and hard road towards fixing my marriage. That will be a challenge but I need to give it my best!
Fixing a marriage surely IS a long and hard road–particularly after a limerent affair. I’ve been on this road for almost a year and a half since full disclosure to my SO. And I’ve wondered if it’s even worth it. After reading this blog, I recognize the ambivalence I have about my wife and my marriage is the EXACT OPPOSITE of the clear goal DrL describes is needed for purposeful living. I just think there’s a difference between the way we identify goals for bettering ourselves (love DrL’s ideas here) and how we figure out how to fix a marriage. In the latter case, I think it isn’t always about how to fix it, but more about whether or not we should try. Author Mia Kirshenbaum writes in her book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, that ambivalence is THE WORST STATE to be in with regard to a marriage and that you should get yourself out of that state as soon as possible by focusing on the answers to a number of key questions. (Funny, that suddenly sounds a lot like the need to break the uncertainty that drives limerence nucleation…) We all believe that we “should give it our best,” but it may be that you cannot fix your marriage and the sooner you realize that, the better. I’d urge anyone struggling in their marriage to read this book.
@ Landry: I agree that personal self-improvement can sometimes be at odds with improving one’s marriage. I have been working on myself, but I am still not really sure exactly what to do in order to get my marriage back on track. Sometimes it feels like the quest for a purposeful life can be a bit selfish. Part of the problem is it takes both parties to make a marriage work, and focusing on oneself can sometimes take our focus and attention away from our spouses and marriages. Thank you for the book recommendation. I had heard of that book and I will definitely give it a read.
Ambivalence is really tough. I love my wife and really want to improve my marriage, but I am not sure if I will ever be able to have the life I really want with her. Am I being unreasonable and focusing on some impossible ideal that can never happen in my marriage, and is my limerence fueling much of my dissatisfaction? Do I secretly want to be with my LO even though that is basically just a fantasy? Or am I with the wrong person and/or have we just grown apart? Having a marriage that isn’t great but isn’t terrible either is so hard to deal with (especially when you love your spouse or partner but the passion is gone). If things were truly awful most of the time, I would have left years ago, but I am clearly not happy with the status quo either. I feel so guilty feeling like this — especially when things between us are relatively good most of the time.
As I slowly emerge from the depths of limerence, I thought this would be easier, but it is actually getting even harder because it forces me to have to do the hard work of fixing my marriage rather than fixating on my LO. I am torn between feeling like I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it and the feeling that life is too short and things could and should be much better. In many ways, I am not even really laying blame because part of the “fault” is mine as well. Maybe we just drifted apart or we were never a good match in the first place?
My wife recently said she believes I will leave her once all of the pubs open up again. I thought that was a strange thing to say because it flat out isn’t the case. Is that just a way of making me feel guilty for wanting to go out and have a social life? Is this just another way for her to try to control me, or is she honestly worried I will leave her for someone else (my LO or another woman)? One surefire way for her to lose me is actually to try to stop me from having a social life. My life has been so boring for so long, and I am insisting on doing more of the things I want to do — recognizing of course that I also need to find some fun, interesting and exciting activities we can do together. I need to consider her wishes as well, but at this point, I am putting my foot down on certain issues and insisting that some things change in my life.
Thanks Winst. Love that PairedLife article, very powerful, especially point 11 hammering home the reality that we need to reframe Uncertainty as Rejection.
@Allie.
Lucy’s article on overcoming infatuation is great! I hadn’t read that one before. I think my favourite line is: “Life isn’t all about deep, spiritual conversations, pretty outfits and strobe lights.”
It got me thinking … do some people seem wildly attractive because we only see them in certain glamorous contexts and some of the exciting atmosphere rubs off on then? But what’s exciting isn’t the person, but the environment in which we encounter them?
Oh yes, totally agree with you there Sammy! i.e. The context we know our LO in can really amplify their potency for us. I think many of us objectify them as that role rather than as the complete rounded person warts ‘n’ all. I guess the triggering context is very individual… for some, the context might be a LO glamour or success, for others it is one where LO seems vulnerable or needy. For me, it seems to be where LO seems wise and knowledgeable such as a mentor or someone in a position of authority.
This post really resonated with me. I remember telling my friend about a week into my LE ( which I think is still ongoing :/ ) how sad it was that it took an LO to bring a spark back to my life and some motivation to remain in a foreign country.. I knew this was happening bc of how empty I felt and it’s crazy to see your blog articulate everything I’ve thought in such a perfect way.
it’s ironic that I put so much energy into creating social spaces for people to come together in the hopes LO would join (she always declined) but in the process I made and strengthened some really great friendships. The intentions weren’t right but the end goal was priceless. It’s about channeling that energy into something positive. Although the intention wasn’t right at the time I’ve now learned to become a much better friend and tried to incorporate that behaviour going forward, there’s no reason to stop now 🙂
Guys, sorry for bragging, but I just came to say how ridiculously pride am I on myself for successfuly finished all week of full NC, despite mutual limerence and very unsupportive LO, who is bombarding me with sweet, loving messages.
Well done Nensi! We are ridiculously proud of you!! Way to go!
Brilliant articles Winst, the ” pairedarticle” really resonated with me.
Had a chuckle at “”e.g. the depressing thoughts and the urge to check their social media 30 times a day)””
Thanks Lee-Anne. Yes, I find that article sobering. It’s always useful to get slapped with reality from time to time, even if it hurts. The covid crisis has given many of us the time and space to really see things for what they are a bit more, and appreciate the things that really matter in our lives whether it’s family or getting back one’s sense of self, independent from the cruel clutches of limerence. Without doing it in a self-torchering, self-shaming way, I remind myself very firmly every day that I’m living my life for me, not limerence.
Clip of the Day: https://youtu.be/wIXtN2S2d2w
My 20yr old son sent me this. The kid thinks deeper than many adults I know.
Belated comment but this article is so powerful and insightful, wow. And the chair metaphor really hit home. The best thing about my LE, terrible as it was, has been stumbling on this site!! Wish I could have found it earlier but I don’t think I could have appreciated these lessons if it wasn’t for the pain.
Is this not just a different kind of fixation? Instead of love addiction we con ourselves into believing we are here for some greater purpose or goal? Why do we need to pursue or attain something? Are we not enough just being? To me this is yet another distraction. Although it is probably a healthier pursuit than limerence I agree with that.
I think it depends on how you hold your conversation with the future.
It’s one thing to be fixated on a goal or accomplishment, which you’re right about – would lead to a delayed gratification scenario. Where you’re delaying acceptance or fulfilment for yourself until you’ve achieved ‘enough’. It’s not desirable to be subsumed in that external process.
However, to be without a direction of travel in life, it’s easy to float on the breeze. As much as it’s nice to live in the moment, from personal experience, it’s very easy to lose traction with life and the responsibility of being a person in society. Without a direction to move in, life seems to lose its spark (see extremes of hedonism or nihilism, for example).
We’re conscious beings, so attention and respect for the moment are important. But we’re also human beings, sailing the seas of life, our place in the universe and striving towards progress is part of who we are. Not just technologically mind you, but intellectually, socially and artistically too.
There’s a wonderful book by David Tillich called ‘The Courage to Be’, as well as the more renowned Victor Frankl’s ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’.
Both authors (Tillich from the secular and Frankl from the psychological), speak to the need to have a reason to face up to life. To be alive necessitates a certain amount of resistance and how we choose to face up to that resistance dictates the form of the arenas in which we play out our lives.
Even monks face up to life through a radical pursuit of the interior. Whilst it may not be a ‘pursuit’ in the more common meaning of the word, it is a method of confronting life via emptiness and negation.
Meaning can be an antidote for suffering, but like anything in life: it’s possible to overdose. As much as it can be a medicine, it can also be a drug.
What seems more important is how we continually evolve the conversation of existence within our own lives.
One of my favourite writers is an Irishman called David Whyte, here are two of my favourite quotes of his, which feel applicable here:
‘The way we face the world, alters the face we see in that world’.
&
‘You were more marvellous in your simple wish to find a way, than the gilded roofs of any destination you could reach’.