Anniversaries are a perilous time for limerence. Significant dates hold a surprising amount of psychological weight, and tend to sharpen already brittle emotions. The cultural expectations of Christmas and New Year also add to the pressures – there is a performative aspect to such festivals that involve public shows of good spirit. For those suffering through limerence – either personally, or because it has captured your partner – this time of year can have painful gravity.
Times focused on togetherness, on love, on family, heighten the sense of isolation and emotional distance caused by unwelcome limerence. This pain can take several forms – wishing to be closer to an LO, guilt that limerence has sundered you from your family, anger that a limerent spouse is ruining Christmas for everyone else, loneliness for a single limerent trapped in limbo and unable to escape.
It’s harder than usual to shuffle along in autopilot mode, because it’s a special time of year that intentionally draws attention to the importance of family, friends, community, and What Really Matters. It’s difficult to retreat to mundane routines to sedate the emotional turmoil within, when the message of the season is to look beyond the everyday.
Of course, for Christmas specifically, there is also the spiritual heft of Christ as the embodiment of divine redemption, selfless love, and sacrifice. Even for non-believers, the central message of Christmas has a way of casting personal ethical struggles into stark relief. Grand narratives make our own romantic concerns seem rather petty – but the pain remains real.
While this is all rather grim and could easily lead to a personal crisis, there is a way out – a more constructive way of responding to the heightened emotions and cognitive dissonance caused by the pain of unresolved limerence intruding on the closeness and kinship that we hope for in the holidays…
Reframe the story you are telling yourself about your situation. Instead of lamenting how limerence is distancing you from your loved ones, look on it as confirmation of how important resolving the situation is to your wellbeing.
Transmute the negative energy of limerent suffering into the positive energy of personal transformation. Take active, purposeful action to improve your life, inspired by the mood of the season.
Unrequited limerence
To start with a straightforward example: if you are a single limerent with feelings for someone you cannot be with (because they are unavailable or do not reciprocate your feelings), Christmas will be a lonely time. You may feel intense isolation, because you want to be with your LO, building a relationship, laying down memories, enjoying the warmth of intimacy. You may also feel somewhat estranged from your family or friends, with whom you cannot really share your disenfranchised grief, and that a black cloud separates you from their (apparently) uncomplicated happiness.
The best way to reframe this sadness is to realise that it isn’t the absence of LO that is causing this pain, it is the presence of an unavailable LO in your life. It is always sad when feeling of love and limerence are not reciprocated, but continued hope for a lost cause keeps you from finding genuine, healthy intimacy. The way out of the predicament is to find the courage to leave your LO in your past, and open yourself to the possibility of a new relationship.
Don’t torture yourself with hope that fate will somehow free LO to be with you, or change their feelings for you – instead, cultivate the alternative hope that you can meet someone who makes you feel just as magical, but who is also free and excited to be with you.
Married but limerent
A second common scenario is a limerent who is married, but infatuated with an LO. The severity of such situations can vary. Perhaps you are trapped in a purgatory of shame, where you feel distant from your partner – a faker, playing happy families, but unable to keep LO from your mind. Perhaps you are torn between two romantic desires – affection and bonding with your spouse versus erotic excitement with your LO. Maybe you have even started an affair, and are faced with the magnitude of the betrayal as your family unwittingly carries on as if everything is fine, while you know you have armed a secret bomb that could destroy all their lives.
Here’s a reframe if you are feeling this sense of living a false or fractured life: limerence has damaged your marriage, and it is time to repair it. Embrace the larger perspective that anniversaries provide, and realise how far you have strayed from the life you wanted to live and the principles you wanted to follow. Use the psychological weight of the holidays as an anchor to hold onto. Focus your attention where it belongs, on the people who you committed to, and who depend on you, and let go of the false dreams of limerence. Use Christmas and new year as a time for personal renewal.
If the thought of that is intolerable – if the prospect of recommitting to your marriage is aversive – then you have larger trials ahead than solving your limerence. Even then, some good can be salvaged. You know yourself better, you can be honest that your marriage has hit a roadblock that might not be surmountable, and so take that clarifying realisation on board and resolve to confront it in the new year.
Married and your spouse is limerent
Possibly the worse case scenario for emotional pain. If you have children, you may find yourself going through the motions with a false smile, determined to keep their innocent joy alive. You may feel the estrangement from your spouse more keenly than ever, and resent them for robbing you of the magic of Christmas, for forcing you to put on a brave face and make the best of it, rather than enjoying what should be a joyous time.
Even worse, you could feel hollowed out by fear – that this might be your last Christmas together, that they may choose LO over you. Even if the marriage survives, there is the knowledge that you can never recapture the naive happiness of emotional security.
Is there a reframe that can help with this? The best I can come up with is to reconnect to the transcendent aspects of the season – rebirth, regeneration, the transition from the darkness of winter to the promise of spring. Yes, the comforting complacency of simpler times is lost – and you can reasonably be angry about that loss – but you can grow beyond that state of naivety into a more seasoned person.
Recognise the nobility in keeping going when you feel like giving up. Accept that you cannot control events, and that all you can do is manage your own decisions. Your marriage is entering a new phase, and both you and your spouse need to determine its future. Their response to limerence will limit your choices. If they have already crossed some of your relationship “red lines” then you need to steel yourself for what must be done. If they have not, and they have genuine contrition for the pain their emotional instability has caused, then there is a chance to rebuild. If they have kept their limerence as a secret trial, and outwardly maintained their integrity and dignity, then there is real hope.
You have been forced through the scouring ordeal of confronting one of the “worse” periods of “for better or worse”, and your marriage may be in jeopardy. But, that doesn’t mean that your life is diminished, it just means that you are facing a stress-test to your bond. Reframe insecurity into adversity can help you focus on the fight and find out how sturdy your connection really is.
No one sane welcomes suffering, but when it comes, a purposeful response can mean your future gets better despite it. Growth can come from pain, if you can find a way to use it to understand yourself and your needs better.
Christmas and New Year is often a time to look back to happier pasts, but it is also a time to decide on a better future. It is a time for resolutions, too.
For all those readers suffering this holiday season, I wish you comfort through the storm.
May you find a path to peace.
For those who have been through these trials, and emerged battle-weary but unbowed, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Nisor says
Hi ,
“The best I can come up with is to reconnect to the transcendent aspect of the season- rebirth- regeneration, the transition from the darkness of winter to the promise of spring.” Dr. L
In the west, we celebrate this season of Christmas with great joy for to us who believe , Jesus is the reason for the season.
“For there is born to YOU this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11; this was foretold thousands of years before, in the book of Isaiah 9:6, and Isaiah 7:14.
These are news of good tidings!
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill towards men.” Luke 2:14
So, it’s time for going inwards, time for reflection and reconciliation with our Lord who promises to be our personal savior; Counselor, father etc. The song “Oh Holy Night “ says it beautifully: “ Long lived the world in sin and sorrow pining, till He appeared and the World felt it’s worth… a thrill of joy , the weary heart rejoices for yonder shows a new and glorious morn, etc , fall on your knees, oh hear the Angel’s voices, oh Night when Christ was born, oh night , oh night Divine…when Christ was born…
The gift is Jesus, the gift that keeps on giving…. The Prince of Peace and Hope! Do you know Him? If you feel alone this season, visit a church near you, it’s refreshing!
Merry Christmas to all !
Bewitched says
Merry Christmas, Nisor.
I want to tell you that I really appreciate you and the other regular posters here.
You, in particular, have been very very kind and generous with your posts to fellow sufferers. I can only tell ‘between the lines’ sometimes that you are going through some extreme emotions yourself. You always seem to manage them with such grace.
Wishing you a lovely day 😘
Nisor says
Thank you Bewitched.
Your words are kind and I appreciate you noticing ‘between lines’ the deep emotions. You tenderly touched me! I do care for all suffering souls and wish I had a magic wand to heal them. But all we can do is share our feelings and stories, and once in a while crack a joke or listen to a song. Adam keeps us up to date with that section…thanks Adam).
For it is said: Shared pain is half the pain, shared joy is double joy.
Hope we had more joy to share for the soul will wither away if we continuously wallow in pain. Someone has to keep the gate, and that person is DR.L with his weekly posts of instruction, guidance and care. God bless his soul and give him health, strength and wisdom to continue doing what he started.
I wish you and yours a very beautiful and blessed Christmas. Stay strong and firm, this will also pass!
Bewitched says
I was hoping you would address Christmas, Dr L.
I really feel the heightened Christmas emotions and their power to push aside my reserve, self respect, consideration for others and what is right.
The pining has been so bad for the past few days and I blame Christmas. I thought about getting in touch with him but I was torn between not doing so, because its not appropriate, and, on the other hand worrying that he would feel bad if I didn’t. I hate to think of him feeling bad.
Our interactions have become haiku-like, super-subtle and almost not there at all. We only interact very occasionally but when it is in person, its pretty much carnage due to all the repressed emotions. In the end, I have resolved not to get in touch. I thinks it is easier on me. Maybe on him too (who knows).
Thank you again for addressing this Dr L.
Thoughts and prayers for those of you who are going through a similar hell in the coming week.
There is higher purpose, cling onto that (repeat to self x 100)
🕊🎄☃️
Mila says
Dr L,
I just skimmed the article and will read it later, but I want to wish you and everybody here merry Christmas and hope that you‘ll have a good and festive time. This site, you and my fellow limerents here have helped me so much in the last weeks🙏🏻
All the best and happy holidays!!
Snowpheonix says
Mila,
Stay strong and clear minded, hope you’ll feel much better in the New Year!
Happy Holidays!
Mila says
Hi Snowphoenix,
Thanks so much, actually I don’t feel that bad. This LE is much more bearable than the last or the first, and I can say that I‘m still basically happy all the time.
I worry more about you!
You say you‘ve got „acute mental clarity“ and you finally see all illusions etc, but be aware that there are not only rose-tinted but also grey-tinted glasses. What you perceive now as a string of misfortunes and losses is also not the whole truth, it‘s seeing only the negative side. You put your weight now on the other side of the boat and the balance is still not quite right, could that be?
I wish you a peaceful holiday with appreciation of small comforts and nice food, have a good time, and next year there will be new chances, new luck, new things to see and learn, new acquaintances, achievements, books, sights, new life!
Merry Christmas!
Snowpheonix says
Mila,
Glad to hear that you’re still happy basically with all that uncertainty going on, and I wish you continue feeling happy and fulfilled in the coming 2024.
As the legend goes, a phoenix has to burn down completely to ashes for a rebirth; if only burned to 90-95%, she still can’t be regenerated… I guess I have not “burned” totally yet , so this descending to the bottom of cptsd-LE hell is necessary — prepare me to face and accept the worst, then endure, repose, recover, and slowly rise up again….
Presently, my frequent nightmares are “helping” me in this regard by making the reality and LO worse or more “cruel” than they seem to be… My Unconscious is tirelessly trying to kill the last bit of wishful thinking of my conscious mind in regardless to this hard-to-die limerence and my other realities. The Unconscious does not lie, but always manifests one’s deep fear, or shines a clear light on some fuzzy truths that our conscious mind often tries to avoid….
What “a string of misfortunes and losses” since my childhood I see so much clearer recently is the truth of cptsd and limerence (the darker sides), which I resisted to face and accept in the past, and habitually used the Phantom in my head to “cover/avoid” its realistic manifestations, so as to ease inevitable psychological sufferings. Without the knowledge and insights of cptsd and limerence, I went through LE one after another, at least 7 big ones, tailed by several small ones and other painful losses, which all badly triggered my lifetime cptsd’s symptoms.
If waring rose-tinted, imaginative lens in the earlier stage of my LE, then it’s not excessive to wear this “grey-tinted” glass to dissect and reverse the previous illusions, in relating to the interactions with realistic LO, mistakenly mixed with the Phantom — my own creation. The biggest challenge to get out of this dark pit is to keep a hope (a double bladed sword!) for the unknown future, a weak flickering in the ash, not to die out for the time being… Nowadays, I have daily plans and goals, and am methodically following them, with little expectation of anything….
Thank you so much for your cheerful wishes for me for the year of 2024, the same to you!
Snowpheonix says
@Typo: “my conscious mind in regard to this hard-to-die limerence and my other realities…”
Judit says
I am so glad to have found this website. Christmas is always quite difficult for me. This year has probably been the one where I’ve been able to deal with my limerece the best so far, and I’m pretty proud of myself. And now this stupid Christmas comes along and I’m already losing touch with reality again. I’m so grateful to find an anchor here so I don’t drown in the rough seas of my toxic and ridiculous hope. Thank you!
Snowpheonix says
This is the most painful holiday season ever in my life (did not like it even during my childhood or youth due to my cptsd), because not just my usual loneliness but also the acute mental clarity 👁️ seeing all my past misfortunes, irreversible losses, and “the phantom”-illusions since Childhood… The direst of the all is the time and energy wasted, all gone with wind….
“Significant dates hold a surprising amount of psychological weight, and tend to sharpen already brittle emotions.“ — Dr L
Indeed! In the past few days in a roll, my dreams even become more vivid with unbelievable fictional details, all heightening the painful ending of my unrequited LE and the sense of loss and wandering in a road cross, on the fork between naive childhood and complex adulthood — “This Way” or “That Way”….
In the past, I wishfully chose to stay in “self-spoiled” childish reveries; now I’ve finally been pushed out of Eden by my own Unconscious! There is no point going back but continue into unknown, untrodden path, with my small, concrete endeavors and large healths goals in mind.
I deeply appreciate LwL community, its insightful blogs, follower limerents’ sharing of their unique yet resonating sufferings, personal caring and helping my struggling on the recovery journey… all of which makes me feel a bit less lonelier than all previous holiday seasons. Thank you, All!
Happy holidays!
MJ says
This holiday has not been the easiest but in a way is just a tinge better than last year. My unrequited limerence continues to sadden me but much of it I bring on myself. It is strange that on any given day, there are many Colleagues at work, that I may interact with or just pass by but yet I have never felt so lonely. Being here has had its share of challenges as it seems lately, even my character feels like it is in question. I envy many of the limerents here because at least they have some level of real relationship with an LO, and mine dabbles in a world of complete and total fiction. While it’s true LO is a very real person, she realistically is nothing to me. Moving beyond her almost feels like letting a loved one die. Like that feels impossible. And it’s still almost sickening how I revel in fantasies over this person. Still pedestaling her and feeling giddy with excitement, even if I just see her car in the parking lot at work.
I understand that everybody here is dealing with their LE in their own way and for many its frustration just the same. I guess it’s very good we have this sounding board to vent our problems. I’m grateful to the good Dr. and his efforts to always be of help.
I have met another young lady at work and we’ve only talked a little. She is very cute and nice. I don’t think I am limerent for her and I doubt I will be anytime soon.
However, I did find myself already kind of missing her as we departed for the holiday break this morning. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not but at least this person feels real to me. I’m just pretty sure she is even younger than LO. So maybe I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my mess still. Or maybe I’m just trying to blow up my life altogether now.
Lovisa says
Hi MJ, we haven’t talked much lately. Merry Christmas! I’m curious if you can still achieve euphoria from limerent daydreaming. I tried it last night. I was having stress with my brother and I tried to escape into a limerent daydream, but it didn’t work. Just to be clear, it was nothing sexual, I just tried to imagine us volunteering together at a race. My mind couldn’t stay focused on my daydream. Sometimes I miss the super powers of limerence.
I’m sorry that you feel lonely.
MJ says
Hi Lovisa. Merry Christmas to you also. To answer your question, I don’t really get to a euphoric state that often. I think about her quite often but the euphoria doesn’t usually engage unless I’m actually out on the Complex at work or by the lake making time for thoughts and fantasies. Which usually aren’t sexual, but can be if I choose to go there. Most of the time, I like to think of doing every day common things with her like, hanging out at her place or mine. Cooking dinner or watching a movie. Over the summer, I found the cutest little ice cream parlour close to her city. I get emotional thinking about going there with her, seeing her walk down the steps to meet me and we go for a walk on the beach. For whatever reason I just tear up even thinking about it. Probably because it’s such an innocent fantasy and I know it will probably never happen. I have many daydreams similar to that. Crazy the power she has over me. Probably because I am so lonely and desire a connection with her in the worst way.
You probably aren’t able to feel limerence the same now because you’re most likely in a decent place with your SO. Then again I’m just a lousy auto worker. What do I know? You’re the expert Den Mom here..
Lovisa says
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, MJ. You described limerent daydreams perfectly. I remembered what it was like as I read your comment. Is there any way that you can strengthen your existing relationships? I wonder if it would reduce your loneliness.
MJ says
I was telling Adam up there, I recently met another Girl at work and we’ve only talked a little. She is probably a little younger than LO, but somebody I definitely wouldn’t mind getting to know maybe a little better. So far she checks off a lot of my boxes so I think thats sort of positive. However, I don’t really feel limerent for her yet and I wonder if I ever actually could be. I don’t think anyone could ever be real LO caliber, but I should probably never say never. Just hard to imagine anyone else ever affecting me like she has. This really is the only true LE I’ve ever experienced.
As for my other relationships, there really aren’t many that need much improving except with my Daughter. She’s at the age where I’m definitely not her priority so I have to meet her where she’s at. Looking forward to her getting out of her selfish stages. Until then, I put up with her. I feel like I need to be grateful she’ll still even talk to me.
Adam says
Haha “young lady”? You go and get em MJ. 🙂 Just make sure they can order their own wine at dinner. 😉
And I know you didn’t ask my opinion but make it pinot noir. Not that I’m a wine snob (I am huge beer snob though) or anything. *whispers* Just don’t order white wine *gags* *whispers*
Hoping you a good holiday season my friend. So glad to have had the chance to meet you MJ.
Time for sloppy joes with high school cafeteria cheese sauce, banana pepper and mustard with a side of jalapeno poppers! Happy holidays all!
MJ says
Hey Adam, nice hearing from you. Yes I said young Lady, lol.
Way too soon to ask her her age yet, but my guess is she’s 25 at the oldest. The youngest being, maybe 22. I could be wrong though, but she’s definitely old enough to order wine with that cheese. However I’m not that much into Wine either. I prefer a good craft beer with my steak. Right now, I have Sam Adams Winter Lager chilling in the fridge. It’s a nice smooth blend going down. Good for this time of year.
For dinner tonight, I picked up some good ocean perch and fries. Now I’m watching “Gentlemen prefer Blondes” I’m thinking LO totally in Marilyn’s role. She would be pristine perfect. Equally as stunning, if not more. That scene with her dancing in neglege in the courtroom is so freaking hilarious. I would pass the f@&% out if I saw LO in something like that.
I’m happy to have met you too Friend. I hope you have a nice Christmas. I’m meeting my Family for breakfast in the morning at my Daughter’s favorite eatery. Keeping my fingers crossed for little to no drama.. 🤞🏻
Imho says
Hi MJ, glad to hear you are engaging in new conversations and interactions.
However, if your new interest is 22, or even 25, seriously ? I cannot remember your age but I think there is a serious age gap here, no? To put into context I have a colleague at work who is 25 and very pretty and consequently gets a lot of attention. One guy 20++ years her senior is pursuing her and she is very uncomfortable with it and it’s highly inappropriate. There is a big age gap in my parents but I’m thinking realistically if you want a real relationship you need to look at the amazing women closer to your age group. dear Adam can advise you on the benefits of women closer to your age or even older ! Sorry to be so blunt MJ but I feel you need some reality check. Best wishes
MJ says
Thank you for your post Imho. At this point, there is nothing here that indicates this is a relationship I want to pursue. I’m just basically not ruling anything out. I get that she is younger and to my 52 years, probably making that even more wrong. However, her interest in even speaking to me is intriguing. I’d be totally ok if she just remains a Friend for now. Becoming limerent doesn’t feel like an option either and in no way do I want or desire to get on that roller coaster for a 2nd LO.
I’d welcome a person closer in age but one has yet to surface. My last attempt was a few years ago, with a Woman 4 years younger than me. Turns out she was married. I have no interest in getting involved with married Women, no matter how they may feel about me. I just look at that like it’s a dead end.
Limerent nurse says
Dear MJ,
I am not sure if having an actual relationship with your LO makes it any easier or better…. but if you feel like you are losing a loved one, then it’s probably the same. I remember how my heart imploded while simultaneously became less anxious when my LO didn’t want me to disclose to my spouse, and subsequently decided his life was a “mess” — basically kindly trying to let me go as well. That was earlier this year. And though the daily feelings of limerence or intrusive thoughts aren’t there anymore since he no longer works where I work, I still find myself looking at a picture of him online just because I love his beautiful face. Now I can just enjoy him for the handsome crush he once was.
And like you, my mind wants to find another LO in its place. But after discovering this site and book, I mentally have to fight with myself to not do it. It is so hard to extricate yourself from a real, living relationship that can’t be had because one of you is married. And it’s also really hard to prevent it from happening again.
Anyways, the best part of Christmas for me is when … it’s over! 😀
MJ says
Limerent nurse, we haven’t met before now but it was nice reading your message. Thank you.
Sometimes I read the messages from others and it just seems like they are so much happier. Yet the better part of me knows they probably aren’t. Speedwagon summed it up perfectly once a long time ago. I never really forgot. Generally in limerence there will always be frustration. No matter what level we’re at with LO. Having an SO only exacerbates the frustration. So it seems. I guess I’m frustrated as hell but in a different way. Not having an SO now is probably a good thing.
Like you, I don’t work with LO in the same way like I used to. She only works a block away. I could really see her anytime if I wanted to, but she would probably think that was weird of me if I showed up there. If I’m lucky enough to catch her going to or from her car in the parking lot, I almost go in to a trance because watching her walk is like seeing a beautiful Angel. She’s so stunning gorgeous perfect. I never get enough of looking at her pics either. Her face is so insane perfect.
I’m glad you have the site as a support system for you. In a way I find it better than therapy. At least we understand the hurt and anxiety this symptom can play on us. I can only imagine how doubly aggravating it must be having feelings for an LO while being married. This time of year probably makes things worse. I wish you the best of luck. Definitely stay in touch.
Have a nice Christmas. Try to..
😉
Umeboshi says
Hello fellow limerents! I’m a newbie here. This website has been my saving grace these past few weeks. I’m so glad to find Dr. L and to know that I’m not alone in this affliction. Let me tell you my story.
I’ve been lurking here for a few weeks since finding myself in yet another LE. I had done some reading on limerence many years ago and figured out that this has been going on for my entire life. It made sense, horribly, finally. I’ve always had a vivid imagination and thanks to childhood abuse, bullying, and abandonment, I learned to escape to my fantasy realm instead of living in the horrors of reality.
Ive been receiving EMDR therapy for a lifetime of unaddressed trauma for about year now. My last LO was the cause of my most recent trauma, which was also a replay of childhood wounds. I was in a situationship him. He was cruel and narcissistic. I separated from my husband to be with this horrible man. It all went to hell when I finally started to live in reality and ended things with him. I reconciled with my husband, and worked really hard on myself through therapy and lots of reading to improve our relationship.
Well, I had forgotten about this whole limerence thing for a few years until it hit me freshly a few weeks ago. A beautiful stranger walked into my work and it was very much instantaneous. I haven’t felt attraction to someone like that in quite some time. I blame the fact that I was ovulating at the time which made this so much worse lol! We were both flustered during the interaction, both visibly awkward. Any coworker who was some distance away commented on the whole scenario afterwards because I guess it was that obvoius! uhoh.
I left work that day feeling giddy and confused. Disbelief quickly became acceptance, euphoria, lust, and daydreaming. It all happened so quickly in my head, I was like…what in the hell just happened ?!
Ah. Limerence. Here we go again. Thankfully this has replaced my very slow fade for narcissistic LO that I was still experiencing sometimes. It’s a relief…and a trap. sigh.
I’m in a really good place with my husband right now, my libido is slowly coming back online, and repairing intimacy with him one of my biggest goals in therapy. So I am recovering from the abuse with ex-LO through therapy and lots of emotions come up during and between sessions. We were tackling some of the worst stuff recently, namely him shaming me while we were intimate. It destroyed my sense of self, I internalized all of that shame and it’s left me with a wound that has been near impossible to heal.
Of course, as I’m making some connections and progress through this and starting to feel my confidence come back, my libido, embracing my sexuality….then walks in new LO. That’s when it had to happen! ugh! Could the timing be worse. Is this a test, universe?!?
I haven’t seen this beautiful stranger since that one interaction (his parting words suggested he would see me again which makes this so much worse) It hasn’t stopped me from projecting my unhealed wounds onto him and how he could possibly help me heal them and be my salvation somehow. Hoooooo boy. I’ve been a bit of an anxious mess, I’m really using all of my coping skills to get through this. I know I’m doing this. I know why. I figured it out. But I can’t stop thinking about it anyways. It’s a long road.
If you read through my whole diatribe I thank you kindly. I’ve been reading lots of peoples stories here and I really feel compassion for those of us that suffer. We are not alone!
Problem Child says
Hello Umeboshi,
My best advice would be to nip this in the bud any way you can, right now! But you know that already. The deeper you get, the harder it will be to claw your way back out. Think of how it ended last time. Can you go through that again? I am saying this as much for myself as for you. I am a year into my current LO and it has reached a point where I am considering leaving SO, not yet, but at some point. I have cheated on him before and he forgave me, this time is different, he doesn’t know and I have not physically cheated, I genuinely feel I am falling in love with LO. The point is, I could have stopped this, I still can, we have choices and the sooner you make one the easier it will be.
Wishing you strength!
Umeboshi says
Awareness is half the battle!; as my therapist would say. And she’s right it makes a huge difference.
I have no plans to leave my SO. We’ve both had affairs outside our relationship and both have been forgiven. We’ve talked about these issues over the years we’ve been together (25 years). I never want to go through that again.
At the time that affair happened with ex-LO I was deeply into a manic episode (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time) and reeling from having been sexually assaulted by a man associated with my old workplace months earlier. I didn’t know that I was acting from trauma or that I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Rough stuff.
Now that I am medicated and have a few years of therapy under my belt I understand my illness, why I behave the way I do, and how trauma has shaped me as a person.
It’s interesting to experience limerence whilst in a stable mood state. The power of my mind is something to behold. The emotions I feel at times are fascinating to witness. I’m also discovering that it wasn’t just the mania, but unhealed wounds that were playing a large role with my ex-LO. It would seem that these wounds are still here to challenge me.
I’m trying to use some of the techniques on here suggested by Dr.L to stop this LE. I can’t devalue this lovely man because it really goes against the grain of how my brain works. What has kind of worked is thinking that he wasn’t really interested in me and that I was just seeing things. I’m not attractive enough or interesting enough or of any real value to have a “good” man be attracted to me. I think I am a bad person. But this doesn’t quite work because this is the exact stuff i’m trying to work through in therapy! haha! oi.
Interestingly, having this LO walk into my life at this time has in some ways reignited my spark with my SO. I’ve been translating that energy into my relationship as much as possible.
I’m wondering, do you know the core reasons why you had your first affair? Are you unhappy in your relationship, see some of your needs going unfulfilled?
Problem Child says
Hi Umeboshi,
Well it wasn’t an affair, just an awful one night stand, truly awful. He was my best friend and things just got way out of hand. I do know why, I’d had some very complicated news that completely turned my world upside down and made me question my entire life before it. I was also feeling under appreciated by SO, so that is similar to today’s situation.
LO and I have had 5 days of NC and I feel he is slipping away, I feel the pull of my family, but I want to be in that giddy place again with LO, I don’t like the sense that he is pulling away. I know I will contact him, it’s just a question of timing. He has indirectly contacted me through a group chat and of course my limerent brain says he wants me to reach out personally!
That is great that you are using this for good with your SO. I can’t see past my desire for something exciting, and I’m sure there’s a hint of self-sabotage involved too. How can I possibly deserve this lovely life?
pianocat says
Hi Problem Child,
Yes you can stop it. You’re right!
Wishing you strength as well and that you will captivate yourself as much as LO has captivated you. If you have something good with SO, then let yourself see it through.
Happy holidays!
Problem Child says
Thank you pianocat,
I am my own worst enemy as they say! I also want everything and need to be desired – I don’t get that from SO, not on a deeper level than sex.
I hope the festivities are helping as a distraction!
pianocat says
Hey there. I’m new too. Just wanted to let you know I did read through your post. It’s helpful to read your experience too. Wishing you a happy holiday. Let’s go with reality, shall we? It’s better for us!
Peace!
Umeboshi says
Hi Pianocat!
I’ve read your post too, thanks for reading mine. I hear you about the guilt and self-loathing. I don’t even have contact with my new LO but the fact that I’m frequently fantasizing about him has me feeling the guilt (or more accurately, shame I guess.)
He doesn’t seem to be active on social media (thank god) but I found pictures of him on his workplace’s instagram. Ugh. it’s killing me. Every few days I go to look at his picture to get some dopamine. sigh. I’m trying to go NC and I consider this a violation of that! bleh. it’s hard.
Good on you for occupying yourself with holiday stuff. I’m also trying to really be present with my SO and my family.
We’re a work in progress, and the most important thing is that we are here trying our best!
Happy holidays!
Lovisa says
Welcome Umeboshi!
You are lucky to have a second chance with your SO. Don’t do anything that would hurt your SO.
You are struggling with thoughts and feelings. That is hard. You might struggle with those things for a while. Make sure that your actions align with your values. Your actions matter!
Do the right thing no matter how you feel.
Umeboshi says
Hi Lovisa!
Yes, I realize that I am very lucky to have a second chance with my SO. We get along so well even after all these years together. He is the one I want to grow old with. Even with both of us straying from the relationship we knew that we wanted to stay together.
I’m also very fortunate that I am able to access EMDR with a compassionate therapist. I’ve touched base with her about this when I thought it was over, however since this LE seems to be sticking around I’ll have to bring it up again. Sigh.
I’m working on accepting my feelings, and letting them pass through me knowing that I don’t want to act on them. I’m reminding myself of what I really want and the fact that this beautiful stranger is simply that. He is just a person like me, not someone who is magically different and can help me to heal my pain. That’s my job to do. It’s my job to untangle my own trauma (with the help of my therapist of course!)
Gotta swim through these feelings.
Limerent nursenurse says
Hi MJ,
Nice to meet you 🤝
I hope you are well! This Christmas is more normal now that I do not have a limerent experience happening (or, rather, I am preventing one from happening.) So just the usual stress of buying gifts and spending too much money.
This forum has been a good outlet for me. I do not enjoy social media so this site is the closest thing that I have to it, and I like it. I like that we can all communicate honestly, if anonymously.
Imagine if we had pictures if ourselves…
Would we all just become limerent for each other?! 😂
Merry Christmas 🤶
Limerent nurse says
Hi MJ,
Nice to meet you 🤝
I hope you are well! This Christmas is more normal now that I do not have a limerent experience happening (or, rather, I am preventing one from happening.) So just the usual stress of buying gifts and spending too much money.
This forum has been a good outlet for me. I do not enjoy social media so this site is the closest thing that I have to it, and I like it. I like that we can all communicate honestly, if anonymously.
Imagine if we had pictures if ourselves…
Would we all just become limerent for each other?! 😂
Merry Christmas 🤶
Pianocat says
Merry Christmas to you all! I think this is my first comment here. I visit this website from time to time when my emotions are running over me or when I get a sudden awareness that my miserable feelings are actually limerence. There are probably articles here about dealing with the guilt of being in limerence while married. I intended to search for that, but I saw this article first.
So, I’ve spent the past 5 Long Years in an online situationship. A much younger guy started flirting with me just before Christmas in 2018. What started out innocently enough just chatting about music turned into two months of FaceTiming and growing attraction. He laid off after I told him I was catching feelings. He is not about messing with married women any more than I’m about cheating. So we tried staying friends. Then we got irritated with each other. We blocked each other, then unblocked each other. Then blocked, then unblocked. We no longer FaceTime, but now we do both enjoy online texting, flirting, and joking with each other. My obsessive thinking and online stalking became so much worse during the months I tried no contact.
5 years later and my attraction has cooled off somewhat, finally. We never met in person, easier because he’s on a different continent. I still feel the pull toward him when my life gets stressful, which is weird because he’s never offered me emotional support. But we joke, unlike I joke with anyone else in my life (I’m very introverted and guarded offline). And the joking alone is such a stress relief for me. It’s the strangest thing to get so high off of just joking with someone online. Then, I end up feeling guilty for being so happy about someone and so interested in someone other than my husband.
I of course wonder why I can’t get that same happy rush with the people who actually matter to me in my life. You know? the people who love me. Why can’t I enjoy their company as much as I enjoy texting him? Why can’t I hang on my husband’s every word? It’s peculiar AF! So here I am on this website at a stressful time because I don’t want the high of contacting Mr. Flirty on Christmas Eve followed by the let down of my guilt.
I know this limerence bs is all about needing to see myself more clearly, in a better light- the way I think I am perceived by this younger guy. It’s such a selfish thing. Yes, driven by trauma and a desperate need to see the cool/funny/interesting/sexy side of myself. the side of myself I seem to lose so easily or won’t let myself see. I think I need Mr. Flirty to open my eyes because my brain is trying to make me hold on to self-loathing.
So I’m going to pour myself now into preparations for the upcoming festivities and concentrate on the joy of giving instead. And be the cool/funny/interesting/sexy woman I am. I recommend the same for us all! Just wanted to drop in and offer some thanks and good will to everyone struggling. Peace!
Sleepless says
Hi Pianocat,
I’m also relatively new here. Just wanted to say I related strongly to your comment that jokes and humor are one of the main things that attract you to your LO. It was/is the same with me – the joking around was what created the glimmer. I’d never had a similar connection in terms of joking around to a woman before that, and never since. My SO can be very sweet but 90% of the time does not get my jokes. There are other reasons I was attracted to LO but humor was probably the root of the limerence.
Adam says
Miss Lovisa please tell me not to call her.
Mila says
I‘m not Lovisa, but don’t call her, Adam❤️!
Snowpheonix says
Do NOT call her!
pianocat says
dude. ya got better things to do. 🙂
Bewitched says
Hi Adam,
After a long wrestle with myself, I didnt contact him. I have felt terrible all day. But it was the right thing not to contact him. Dont fall at the last hurdle.
Sending strength.
Mila says
Well done, well done, Bewitched! You all seem to have more strength of character than me🙈.
Limerent nurse says
Dear Adam,
What would you want to call her for? Maybe tell us and work it out with us instead!
Adam says
That I meant something. That I’m not just a stubborn foolish old man. But I haven’t called her.
MJ says
Hey Friend, I may not be the best person to answer this. My guess is if you did, you would probably regret it later on. Because it probably won’t go like you think it will in your head. Then you will be disappointed and kicking yourself for making an attempt..
Remember limerence is an altered state of mind.
Lovisa says
Oh Adam, she wouldn’t have invited you to visit on her last day if you weren’t important to her.
Your situation reminds me of a coworker (way back when I was working). He is about 15 years older than me. I will call him MY LIMERENT because I don’t know what to call him on LwL. I absolutely adore this man. He makes me laugh. He gives good advice. He is a kind and honorable man. I miss him. I still think of him after 18 years of not working with him. I saw him a couple of years ago when the company threw a going away party for my old boss. When I saw MY LIMERENT, I spontaneously yelled his name, ran to him and gave him a big hug. It felt so good. We spent time catching up with each other when the party died down. He shares some of my hobbies and he is knowledgeable about things so occasionally I have texted him with questions over the years. From my perspective, he is someone who I enjoy and admire. I love connecting with him. We keep normal boundaries. He doesn’t have a reason to contact me so he doesn’t contact me. I thought our relationship was just a normal friendship. My LO2 and his friend are close to MY LIMERENT. They seem to think that MY LIMERENT has more than friendship feelings for me. They make jokes about it sometimes and then they quickly take it back if I ask for more information. LO2’s friend and MY LIMERENT bought the company where we worked together. LO2’s friend wants me to come back. He says stuff like, “I don’t know if MY LIMERENT can handle working with you again, Lovisa.” When I ask why, he always backtracks. This (and some incidents that happened in the past) lead me to believe that MY LIKERENT has more than friendly feelings for me. It’s fine. We both behave appropriately. Anyway the reason I’m telling you this is that I think I can offer something from your LO’s perspective. I suspect that she likes you. I also suspect that it was never sexual or romantic for her. I think she just enjoyed your company. It might confuse her if you call her on Christmas Day out of the blue. She also might just think it’s nice. I don’t know.
You are probably having these feelings because the holidays are stressful and you remember how she made you feel good. You might just be seeking good feelings. I’m glad that you came here instead of calling her. I’m also glad that you have a good family to connect with. You will be fine. This moment will pass.
Merry Christmas, friend!
Limerent nurse says
Dear Adam,
Let’s follow this thing through. Say you do call her… and it turns out you did mean something to her. You will be ecstatic! … then you’ll remember, oh yeah, I’m married… are you going to pursue her into an emotional/physical affair, or even leave your wife for it? Are you planning to have a secret relationship with her?
Or perhaps you call her … and it turns out you were only a friend. Ouch, the friend-zone. But at least you know, and though it probably won’t stop you from liking her/feeling limerent toward her, maybe you can move forward, or maybe you can’t.
Either response stinks. And to be honest, because I have been involved in this twice before I knew what was going on, knowing that someone likes you or is in love with you hurts even more because then you feel like you caused them to like/love you without being able to see it through because you are married. It is nothing short of complete inner turmoil.
Not sure if any of this ‘fleshing out of possibilities’ helps you, but I hope it does. I just don’t want you to have to go through what I went through if you don’t have to.
“Nothing has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” – Corinthians, New Testament.
This is the quote you reminded me of in earlier posts and it is true — remember, in the book of James we are reminded that God does not tempt us with evil, but that we are lead away by our own desires and enticed.
Limerence is our own desire to be lead away. That’s why it is so hard to fight it. But I know you can do it! Especially for your wife and children.
Best wishes!
Adam says
Thank you all for your responses. We had made plans for Christmas but between my wife’s illness and our oldest getting Covid we never went to her parents house for Christmas. We just stayed home.
Yesterday I went to HER location for the first time since SHE left (June 3 2022). Another young lady in accounting had quit, and the 22nd was her last day. So on behalf of the last young lady there I went to speak to our supervisor at the last minute.
I wanted to make sure that this new young lady is taken care of and gets the help that she needs. I think he took into my consideration my instincts as I was right about HER and another young lady that quit shortly after SHE did as well. I’m just a superstitious old man to these youngins 🙂 But I think it did some good to speak on her behalf and hopefully she will stay around for awhile.
It was nice meeting her for the first time in person. Hard working mother with four kids and she’s only 28. Wow. I was 28 when we had our first one. But nice to met her and let her know that anything I can do to make her job easier all she has to do is ask and I will do it. It’s been six young ladies including HER that have left since I started this job back in 2019.
I got home yesterday afternoon after visiting without too much incident. I had a few memories come back while I was there but I shook them off pretty quickly. Our youngest boy went to the store with me when I got back, and then when we got back home we played a game together before I made dinner.
We had a very long call with my wife’s sisters and their respective spouse last night. We are both at fault for sinking into our respective dysfunctions. So while I was initially talking to her sister, she called my wife and all six of us talked. About a lot. My limerence, our marriage, her bipolar, my addiction, and our future together.
At the behest of everyone, we are going to take steps to get counseling. Whether it is each of us alone or couples counseling we are going to do it. I think Momma already has someone in mind. I remember her
saying last night she would call today to get an appointment. It could be a physician too, as the reason I called her sister is that Momma has been sleeping so much. Almost the entire four day weekend she spent sleeping on the couch. So I was getting worried.
So now we are going to try and move on from this. Try and make our marriage better and stronger. Or I don’t know …. maybe I can’t make up for this. We will see.
I missed church on the 24th, if there was a service. I don’t know but I know I did not feel much like going. I will try to attend this coming Sunday. If God won’t tempt me beyond what I can bare, he sure did come close. But maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to learn.
MJ says
That’s good news Adam. You’re plan sounds like it’s very do-able. I like the fact you’re family is honest about talking things out. That should be very helpful in your recovery.
I remember when LOs replacement showed up about a week after she left earlier in the year. Nothing was the same. I was very resentful of her being there. I was in a terrible place then. Still so very sad. Come to find out this Woman was totally incompetent. She never fully grasped the concept of the job or what she had to do. LOs associates needed to help her out every day. I think they got sick of it. She was let go at the end of the summer.
Guess I was also hoping LO would eventually come back but she never has. I think she’s probably happier where she’s at now. So I try to be happy for her. I’ll see her when I see her.
Mila says
Actually, I would also need someone to tell me not to text…
We text in an unsatisfying manner, I don’t like the way he writes and I don’t like the way I write.
I just want to stop, because if we go on I will neither like him or myself.
I was just writing another text when suddenly and fortunately LO2 texted out of the blue, preventing me from texting current LO 😆
Christmas is tough this year, my family of origin has this knack of making problems out of nothing, fighting over misunderstandings etc.
Makes me appreciate my family with SO, we are actually such a happy family with much love, and I would be so stupid to risk it all for childish limerences.
Bewitched says
Hi Mila,
Maybe this will help. It helped me today as I have held the line (not contacted him) but felt bad about it:-
I read this on Psychology Today, an old article on limerence, which has a somewhat brutal take on it:
“Limerence is not the same thing as love. An individual in a limerent state is not concerned for the well-being of the person they’re obsessed over. It is an independent state, confined to the mind of the person experiencing it. In love, the other person is an important part of an individual’s life. In limerence, the other person’s value is often way out of proportion to the person’s actual importance in the individual’s life…”
In other words, he doesnt care about me. He is only concerned with his own selfish fantasy in which I appear, and I am nothing but a figment in his own head. I am a cypher, not a person to him. So I dont need to feel bad.
There are loads of reasons that I can find to argue against the above, but that doesnt help me today. Being harsh helps me today, so I have chosen to be harsh. Many of us can agree that being with LO would never work in real life. You’ve got more clarity on that than most of us. We just seem to want the possibility of a EA/PA to be alive and current….
It goes without saying that roles can be switched in everything above (he is not a real person to me, etc.) So there is no need to feel bad.
Unlike your situation, my LO and I have never really been on a friendly setting. Its always been something else. I dont really believe being friends is possible….but that’s just me.
Hugs💪👸💪
Mila says
Hi Bewitched,
Thanks so much! actually the article didn’t help me that much because it’s not all true in my case (I do think that he cares about me and I‘m very important to him, just not in the way my limerent brain would like it, and he does play a role in my life), but your own words did.
I think my limerent brain wants the possibility of EA/PA alive, as you said, maybe even without wanting to live out this possibility.
And that’s so egotistical and superficial somehow.
I still believe in being friends with LO, but it’s probably not possible with the intensity and importance that my limerent ego envisions, the friendship would have to step down to a more common, casual one.
The first part of the article is also true: it’s not about his well-being, it’s about my well-being after he communicates with me in a way that satisfies my limerent ego.
In my case, it’s not all in my brain, but there’s a certain part on top of that friendship that is only in my brain and needs to be skimmed off.
Sorry for clumsy English, and thanks to Bewitched , also because I won’t text him for sure now🙏🏻
Imho says
Hi all,
I promised myself to stay off LwL until the new year, but here I am. I resisted contacting my LO today.
I read an article about why people want to reach out to ex’s at Christmas. I think the advice from a counsellor broadly applies. Here is some of it :-
—-
Spurred on by alcohol-induced confidence, surely one tiny check-in text isn’t going to harm anyone? Heck, it might even be a nice thing to do.
“With January just around the corner, people think about having a new start,” says Sturmer, and when I last spoke to my ex it wasn’t exactly friendly. So, should I just swallow my pride and do it? Sturmer advises me – and any other lovestruck fools – to slow down. “You should try to figure out what you need before contacting an ex,” she says. “Ask yourself what you’re really looking for and whether you’re just looking to contact an ex as a coping strategy for everything that comes with Christmas.”
Sturmer suggests that the new year – once all the magic of the festive period has been washed away – might be a better time to consider reaching out. But somehow this is less compelling. An impulsive message at Christmas feels fun, fearless – festive even. In January, it just starts sounding like a bad decision.
——-
Be Strong. Enjoy the festivities, your family and friends x
Bewitched says
Yup! Thats helpful, thank you imho.
Keeping it real 😉
Mila says
Hi Imho,
thanks for breaking your NC with us;), the article rings true! But actually I experienced similar urges in New years night, even worse than Christmas.. so be prepared and stay strong!
I also won’t text again and have to get back to my strategy of being nice and polite but nothing more..
Enjoy the rest of Christmas!
Imho says
Hi Mila,
Yes I broke NC with LwL – ha ha !
I resisted LO contact today, I basically postponed !! The ball is in my court this time for our next contact (unusually).
My New Year Day ( not Eve) message will be positive and purposeful (yes I used that word) rather than today, where I would have been more sentimental. But yes you are right it’s still gonna be tricky.
Sorry you have some struggles… seems like you are on it though, implementing your plans to step change your messaging with LO. Now has to be a natural good time to do that. Good on you….
MJ says
Thanks IMHO. Words well spoken. However I reached out to an ex today. Even dropped a bottle of wine off on her step. All I got was a Merry Christmas text in return. I’m totally ok with it.
I think the reaching out probably depends on the level of what the person feels for the other person. In this instance, my feelings do not go beyond basic friendship. I desire nothing more.
Mila says
Imho,
great, well done! It sounds like you planned on a new year’s message?
Postponing is a good strategy for the daily struggle. Also it’s restful to have the ball in the own court, isn’t it.
Me, I realized yesterday when some double crisis in my family broke out, that I told it to some other (female) friends first which means I don’t feel as close to him as I did, and that our text exchange feels off- I think we are both not having our highest feelings towards each other, being not happy with the way we respond to each other, and maybe even both wanting to reduce contact?
Not sure how much of my own state of mind I project onto him.
But fact is, I don’t like the way we texted yesterday and had to fight the urge to bring it back to the old warmth. I feel that I was maybe a bit unsympathetic in my texts and there‘s this itch to make it right, I hate feeling that I‘m a bit in the wrong. But I resisted the itch. Better that way, isn’t it.
I think my expectations of how he should respond/behave etc are in the way all the time, I get angry with him when he reacts differently, which is absolutely selfish and stupid.
Last message was from me, anyway.
If he texts some time, I’ll try to get back to politeness and a bit of good-hearted distance.
This post was more of a journal-like rant, sorry.
Somehow having to translate into English helps simplifying some things, getting them clearer in my head.
Imho says
Thanks MJ , you did a nice thing with no expectation in return. That is what Christmas spirit is all about isn’t it ?! Giving appreciation and care to others with no expectation of it to be returned. 😀
Limerent nurse says
Dear Adam,
I am sorry to hear about your wife’s bipolar disorder. I have two immediate family members who have this and neither of them choose to take any form of medication to regulate it. I hope your wife finds what works for her so that she can get better. It is wonderful that she is seeking out medical help. Praying that counseling and medical help with do wonders for you all.Well wishes to you both!
Limerent Emeritus says
Clip of the Day: “Christmas Vacation” (1989)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXkMaZz5Mo8
I love this movie!
Happy Holidays peeps!
MJ says
That about sums up my family today.
Minus the squirrel in the tree.
Malibu says
Thanks again Dr. L for being my limerence lighthouse. The countless times you have saved me from crashing against the rocks this year – you’re a true blessing! I only wish I saw this blog on the holidays a bit sooner as I broke NC with my mutual LO and we are caught in delayed short text relapses. Ugh the Holidays! She is pretty stoic and I am sure she will try going NC after my last text asking if she was okay (first holiday without their deceased parent). I will do my best to stop – itc was getting so easy until the hoildays! Okay, time to lock the rescuer in me up in the attic with the holiday decorations! Here’s to a healthier 2024 for you and yours! Keep the blogs coming!
ABCD says
Hi Malibu. Yes, the urge to text, and then hope for a “good enough” response becomes very difficult to navigate. I struggle with this quite a bit. I guess the more we can control this urge, the better we will feel. Wish you best of luck!
Malibu says
Yes, so true, once I refrain from hitting that send button with a text trying to ease my “rescuer personality” or “am I viewed as a good guy” dopamine withdrawals in my mutual LE, I feel relief. I think some of that relief comes from knowing they are in withdrawals on some unkown level and my refraining hopefully eases their aches. Ooops damn HOPE! Oh well, I broke 4 month NC and was at a point where I was no longer counting how many days I was in NC. Relapses of a love addict happen. I won’t beat myself up for it. I will accept it and move on, for this site has taught me that it all gets easier with time. Cheers into the New Year.
Lost Girl says
I didn’t contact LO this Christmas like I usually do and I’m pretty proud of myself for that. And truly the compulsion wasn’t really there this year. I had a few passing thoughts but there wasn’t the urge to text him like in the past.
I’m hoping I’m turning a corner with LO. He finally did something a few weeks ago that really emphasized my place and importance in his life compared to others, namely that I don’t have have a place and I’m not important. I don’t know that he really even sees us as the friends I thought we were. It hurt but I’m almost relieved, if that makes any sense.
I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and I need to focus the love and energy I do have on the people that love and care about me. It’s hard to continually be a cheerleader for someone that can’t even bother to ask how you’re doing. So this holiday season I spent focusing on my family and friends that show they actually care about me. Here’s to getting through New Years with the same attitude and hopefully a brighter 2024.
ABCD says
Hi Lost Girl. You made a really good decision to focus your attention and thoughts towards your family, and not towards LO whose behaviour can be super unpredictable. It is not easy to resist the urge to contact LO, and you did great, even better that you do not feel the urge now, that is great!
Lost Girl says
Hi ABCD
Thanks for the encouraging message. It’s a day by day process and I’m thankful for every day I don’t think about contacting him.
Problem Child says
Good for you Lost Girl! I wish I had your strength. I contacted my LO and although he replied very quickly, he has not replied to my second message and I am so hurt. I didn’t ask any questions so my limerent brain is telling me it’s because he couldn’t or is taking his time to think about it, which is nonsense! He’d find a way to reply if he cared. I will not see him for another week so I must, must, must use this time to completely distance myself but I am so brokenhearted. I am not enjoying the holiday season or my family because he occupies my every thought. I hate it but I can’t get out of the loop. I feel so alone.
ABCD says
Hi Problem Child. Wow, I seem to be in exactly the same situation as you. Many times, I have allowed myself to get caught in this cycle of messaging LO, and expecting a reply. If there is a reply, great dopamine hit, if not, then ending up feeling low. This process keeps repeating itself.
Like yourself, there will not be opportunities for LO interaction for some days, so I am trying to be stoic, but it is very very hard.
You are not alone in this, hope we get through this soon.
Wish you a great holiday season!
Problem Child says
Hi ABCD,
It’s such an awful feeling, like grief almost. I’m sorry you are going through this too.
I don’t know where I am with him, and I thought we had some understanding on that, but I didn’t expect him to ignore me. I suppose he is with his SO and giving her his time and attention, as he should be, but I just feel if he truly cared, he would make some effort, and the reason he isn’t is because he’s trying to tell me it’s over. Each time I tell myself, no more, don’t do this to yourself, and each time my resolve breaks and I fall deeper in. He’s told me that he can’t do anything while he’s with SO but that he wants us to get to know each other. How can we do that when he ignores me?
We know the right thing to do, why is it so hard? I need to work on myself and get back to doing the things I enjoy, and really enjoy them, not because I think he will notice and think how wonderful I am and want some of that energy.
I hope you find a way through, much stoicism to you!
Mila says
Hi Problem
Child,
I‘m so sorry, I feel with you, I remember the pain from past LEs.
The thing is, as I realize now looking back, that one takes for granted that LO should react emotionally as oneself, respond quickly, feel desire and pain as strongly etc
But not all people are limerents, or better said, not all people have the same capacity for longing and pain. They, quite healthily, don’t throw themselves into limerence as we do.
Maybe he feels torn and decided to concentrate on his SO now because his guilt would be big otherwise. I mean, if you were his SO, you would want that, no? Maybe he just tries to act decently.
And it doesn’t mean he feels less than he is capable of feeling, his limit of feeling limerence might just be not as high as yours. Cannot express myself well, sorry.
Also, when I think of myself in the depth of limerent pain, I remember feeling distinctly that it was too much, that it wasn’t a normal reaction to what happened, but that there must be roots of the pain in my own being that caused it rather than only LOs negligence.
Don’t know if this is helpful, probably not.
I hope you feel better soon!!
Lost Girl says
Hi Problem Child
Oh do I relate to that. The agonizing over what to text him and then waiting for a response and being hurt if he didn’t or if it was a very stilted reply. This recent turning point for me came when I texted him a happy birthday message and he took 24 hours to reply “thanks”. But he sure as hell responded pretty damn quickly to some others on social media and with far more than “thanks”. It seems like a silly thing to be hurt and angry over but it’s how I feel and I’m holding onto that feeling to distance myself from him.
Know that you are not alone in this. So many of us are wired this way and this place is filled with support. I wish you and all us the ability to love ourselves enough to know we deserve better than the small crumbs of attention or affection we get from our LOs. Most LOs aren’t to blame for our feelings, they’re oblivious, but a few are well aware of how they affect us and the feelings they inspire. They use and encourage it to feed their own egos when it suits them and to make themselves feel good. I’m pretty sure my LO falls into the latter category. I’m holding onto my anger and I hope eventually it leads to indifference and that I don’t fall back into the habit of begging for scraps of attention. It’s an addiction and I’m praying not to relapse.
why says
Just a reminder that both LOs who reciprocate or not are probably spending more time with their SO and/or families during this holiday season. It’s probably harder for them to have some “time off” from their SO, children, extended families and visiting friends to send messages to us limerents, and especially more so if they knew that the feeling is mutual as it will create guilt with the “stolen times” while in other people’s presence.
Once the holidays from work and school are over, I’m sure we’ll all be back to the usual grind, and it’s during those “empty pocket” times that LOs are able to reply again. We mostly make them feel good, and they don’t want to end their year feeling guilty about the divided attention during the holiday season, which is supposedly meant to be one of the few times in the year they get to give their undivided attention to their family.
Just my 2 cents. Sorry for the cold shower, but if someone were to tell me this years ago while I was still having the limerent fog, I would feel defensive and unable to see things this way at all. I will also be finding so-called “evidence” and doing investigations, like “if they can make a long post on social media, why can’t they message me” as a point to find a validation of their attention and care towards us.
I’m still a long way to go in finding self-love and not needing it from another person, but at least I’ve not attached that to any LO anymore. I’ve realised I’ve used LO as a distraction to my life that’s slowly disintegrating, rather than doing the tedious and boring job of taking active steps in making real changes.
ABCD says
Hi Problem Child:
All of what you have said resonates so much with me. I think LEs in which one or both are with SOs, are very tricky and very messy. There is this cat and mouse game where one really wants to engage with LO (though one should not), and then when some warm interaction takes place, one feels the guilt towards SO (as one should). So, even though your LO may like you, he may pull back from time to time, due to SO.
We know what needs to be done – to disengage with LO, but it is very hard, one should keep working on it though.
Working on doing stuff that you enjoy will help, it has helped me to an extent, God knows how I would have felt without it.
Wish you lots of strength and good wishes.
Problem Child says
Hi ABCD,
Yes, I completely agree. It’s very cat and mouse, very time consuming and exhausting. I am trying to concentrate on things I enjoy but nothing seems to be working. I will have a few days away to myself shortly and I just hope I can take the time to reflect rather than daydream about him. I’m not giving anything else the attention it needs at the moment and I hate myself for it.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, I am very grateful for this group.
Enjoy the rest of the holidays.
Limerent nurse says
Hello all,
I am a little concerned… a lot of people seem not to want to let go of their limerence… I thought this was what the site was all about!
I guess it is called “Living” with Limerence. But who really wants to live with limerence?! I understand for single people it would be a way to start a relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that… but I am concerned for the people with SOs. I mean, I understand if you don’t know what limerence is or what got you there… but once you learn, isn’t it a good idea to try to get rid of it? At least, the contacts and the temptations? The only way for someone in a marriage to “get rid” of limerence I think is to delete all contacts, delete all conversations, and literally start with no contact. Forever. From that one person. And then try not to transfer your limerence on to another person.
I know this is very hard, but it’s the only way to not have a roller-coaster cycle, or an emotional affair or a physical affair. If you are in a bad marriage, and are needing to leave, that’s one thing. But if you have decided that leaving is not the answer, then having “side pieces” or limerent objects/emotional attachments outside of marriage is very dangerous.
I just want to spare people the pain, the suffering, and the added stress from hiding from your spouse.
Mila says
Of course you are right, Limerent nurse, it’s what I thought about too.
But my experience from my last LEs is that it doesn’t work that simple way. I cannot say „ok, I shut it down now because it’s wrong“ and that‘s it. Definitely not in the highest phase.
I have to go step by step which involves interacting with LO for reality checks and letting my feelings run this and that way and at some point limerence fades.
Sure, everyone is different. But with me it doesn’t work to shut everything down, that’s a fact. I need to go this way and that and work my way to the end. But of course the end goal is being rid of limerence!
And in my current case it’s a very good friend of mine that I don’t want to lose. NC is not an option for me here. But I think I’m on a good way to regain friendship without limerence. I go a few steps forward and a few backwards, but more forward than back, I think.
ABCD says
Hi Limerent Nurse. Yes, of course, you are right. However, going NC is not an option for many of us, as our LO is a co-worker, who we need to see on a regular basis. This situation is very tricky. In this case, what one can do is to go for LC, as much as is possible/as much as the work permits. Here, managing the interactions becomes key, if one can keep them as work related as possible.
Problem Child says
Hi Limerent Nurse,
I suppose it’s a process that’s different for all of us, and not necessarily a linear one – very much a rollercoaster as you describe. Plus as there are other parties involved, and we can’t prefect their reactions, this is likely to cause the direction to change. In my case, I came to the site before I was sure that LO had feelings for me, and I was determined to rid myself of the thought of him, however after his disclosure, everything changed and it brought me right back to the first, heady glimmer, starting all over again. It would be very easy if it all followed a nice little path by the book of NC and purposeful living, but we’re here because we don’t work that way! It’s all learning, and sometimes, as limerents, we refuse to learn. Sadly, it can take a great jolt of reality for me to see clearly, it’s like the alcoholic hitting their rock bottom. I can often only see upwards when there’s no further lower level to reach.
I can’t go NC because we work together. Yes, I could delete all conversations, that would be a great start, but because of the carrot of mutual attraction, I am clinging on. I’m just not in that space yet. It’s as if I want to push it as far as I can before admitting defeat – rock bottom. Certainly some masochistic, self-sabotage stuff going on for me.
I appreciate your care and concern here, absolutely, but I just wanted to try and explain that my particular rollercoaster is not only up and down but often stops altogether and even goes backwards!
Nisor says
Hi ,
Are you confused about your LO?
For more information check Dr.L’s Blog: LwL/ Do they like me too? February 27,2017
“Limerence makes optimists of us all. Small signs of reciprocation are used as hope anchors. Signs of disinterest or distaste can be minimized as blunders or tactical errors that can be repaired in the future by better strategy. In other words, the limerent treat their LOs as if the LO was also limerent for them, although that might not be the case. The LO could be non-limerent, for instance, or limerent for some other party.” Dr.L.
What a disappointment when LO doesn’t behave the way we would want them to behave. Like, “ I’m interested, but I’m not acting on it! This is a big “NO”!!! If there’s a lot of uncertainty about getting your LO engaged, then the answer is NO!
Do you want to sometimes hurt your LO so as to
make them to act different toward you? This is aggressiveness, and it makes no difference to the LO. When someone wants another person they act on it, look for ways to be with them, even if it cost them their honor and integrity…
Examine yourself and your situation and see what’s lacking with your LO towards you. Do not pretend or make excuses, open your eyes and see the reality of it all… it’s all in your mind and you can change that. Ouch, it hurts!
Happy New year to all limerents.
Malibu says
all cases are different… we find our own ways of healing, learning, growing. how we found this place. if only cold turkey was that easy.
Limerent nurse says
Dear Mila,
I am assuming your very good friend is a man, and you do not want to lose his friendship. Perhaps bringing in your spouse whenever you text or interact with this person? Having a third person in a man/woman relationship will certainly help the limerence run dry. Then, you can have the friendship without the limerence attached. I know I have to attach my spouse to the emails/texts, etc. if I am talking to “mutual friends.” This automatically prevents any limerence from happening. In-person meetings especially need a chaperone, usually a spouse because friends can enable limerence.
Anytime you bring your spouse around and make sure you are never alone with that person, it helps kills the limerence. Or at least slows it down and helps it go away.
If one doesn’t, then it’s just an emotional affair begging to happen.
Mila says
No, sorry, Limerent nurse,
I don’t agree. I‘ve got friends, male and female, and even though they know my SO and occasionally we meet together, they are my friends, not his, and it would really strange to bring my SO into every communication with them.
My LO and me are friends for ten years, we often met all families together, and limerence began only this year due to his leaving my workplace.
Since we were good friends without limerence I think we can go back there.
But to suddenly bring my SO into the friendship at every moment would be completely weird for all three of us.
60s Recovery says
Seems especially more difficult this time of year. Thought I was doing better, but the last day or 2 it’s been resurfacing- trying to tamp it down with limited success. Good luck to all- I have read every post on this thread, and definitely relate! Here is my situation, originally posted in the “Friendship After Limerence” thread, earlier this month:
I am happy to have found this site, it has been a lifesaver! I’m a married man (24 years) and early 60s in age.
My episode started in mid-summer of this year. I am a volunteer DJ at a small non-profit radio station about 60 miles from home. I’ve been doing a weekly show there for the past 8 years, and earlier this year the station had to relocate. Directly across the street is a shop run by an attractive & pleasant woman…
I must have driven past this shop hundreds of times before the move- and barely noticed it! One sunny & warm day, as I was leaving, she was working on something in her front yard – then stopped and looked right at me and smiled and waved. Instant glimmer, like a sledgehammer to the head!
This went on for a couple of weeks-we would just lock eyes for a more then a few seconds, more smiles & waves- till finally i walked into her store one afternoon, introduced myself, and gave her a business card about the radio show. She has listened to the show, and liked what I do. Part of the show involves interviewing local musicians- and it turns out that she also is a part time singer-songwriter, so there is actually something to interact with her in a legitimate way…
I was in deep. Full blown limerence. Couldn’t think straight, almost constant daydreams and all that. Did not know what to do, then I found my way here. Seriously considered going full NC, and even turned in notice to give up the show early next year, fearing that I’d do something stupid. I no longer feel that way and would not want to hurt/betray my wife, who does know about her- but not the feelings I had. She (LO) did introduce herself to SO and others at an event in Sept, as the business owner. I now have the feelings mostly under control and see her as an actual person and not the fantasy that was brewing, thanks to all the info here. I’ve come to the conclusion that full NC is not necessary, and SO even gave me the OK to do any music/radio promotion activities.
If I had not found the info here, and realized what was happening, then it was turning into an unexploded bomb for sure. Hope this helps anyone who may be in a similar or worse situation, reading the stories here has certainly helped me. Updates to follow, I’ll still do occasional fill-in shows at the station- but not on a weekly basis.
Dec 27th : Rethinking it all, and going to try NC or at least Limited contact. I will only have to be in that area the next four Thursdays… Not going to approach her at all- but may be difficult, if she is around when I’m there. If we do cross paths (which could happen) I’ll be nice but less receptive. I’m sure she won’t lose any sleep over that. I’m going to let go of the “interview for radio” tactic now, as I realized that it was just rationalizing, anyway.
Happy Holidays All, and Hang In There…
SJ says
I realized the true meaning of Christmas in the same month that I finally got over LO #3… Coincidence??? No. Since becoming a Catholic a few years ago I’ve been ever further reaching into the meaning and purpose of the holiday and I finally realized just how backwards and upside down it has become.
As a culture (including the Catholic subset) we call to mind a time of wellbeing, and generosity, of slowing down and appreciating each other and extending kindness to one another. In practice, we try to achieve this by trying to fulfill any, and all, sensory experiences… we try to make “meaningful memories” by dazzling our associated and loved ones by tickling their senses so that they forever and always associate those pleasant and joyful feelings with you. This is the means by which we establish and fortify reciprocity, but lookin through the eyes of behavioral ecologists we are also indulging in and extending our specie’s specific incessant need for hypernovelty… More lights! More food! More gifts!…. and at the kinship and interpersonal levels we hope that all this sensory gratification results in emotional fulfillment and attachment. And I suppose it does, for a time, and in a way, but this is NOT what is meant by “peace on Earth” in our hearts and minds. In the week leading up to Christmas I realized as I was sitting through daily Mass, the end of Advent, waiting patiently for our Savior, that the culture (excluding the Catholic subset) really has it all wrong. The point of Christmas IS still peace, yes. It is establishing and fortifying reciprocity, yes. But it’s not achieved by ever increasing external stimuli: It’s not be trying to give each other sensory orgasms which is what has become of Christmas. That actually sets us up for failure, if not now, but at some point, because hypernovelty can’t be sustained, not within ourselves or in reciprocity with others. True peace is when you surrender and stop the power-grabbing and when you accept the world as it is, people as they are and how relationships can and cannot evolve. As a unconventional Catholic convert I see Jesus as a “tool” that we can use to find peace within our flawed natures and the flawed natures of everyone else because within the restraints of sacrifice, surrender and repentance there is an unmatched freedom.
As it relates to LO #3… I’ve traded in my fantasies for listening to and really contemplating the information from The Great Simplification (Nate Hagen) podcast (if you think a change, or a broadening, of your perspective will get you out of your own hangups and help you resolve your limerence issues I HIGHLY suggest starting there). I also enjoy Bishop Robert Barron, intellectual heavyweight in Catholic perspectives that I think compliments Nate Hagen’s end-of-the-world-is-nigh anxiety.
Did any of you watch Don’t Look Up? Do you remember how it ends? It ends with the destruction of the planet and life on Earth and shows the variety of ways individual humans spend the rest of their precious time. (Hanna Woldum Ragusa wrote a beautiful and articulate review of this on University of Notre Dame’s Church Life Journal). The main characters, scientists and a skate-boarding druggie, have a last supper together. It’s an extremely moving scene, sweet and brave and tragic. The protagonist, Dr. Mindy (Leonardo DiCaprio) actually experience limerence as the world is ending and it leads to an extramarital affair (Cate Blanchett) but in the end Dr. Mindy resolves it, returns to his wife and family and exits life with the fullest dignity this world offers us.
Whether I believe the world is ending or not, I want to be in a state of grace and retain my dignity. I want peace in world and peace in my interior, not just on Christmas, or the End Times but everyday in between. And being decisive about LO #3… decisive that this door is, and has been, and will be closed to me and instead… is choosing pathways that only give freedom of peace. Yes, this involves surrender, sacrifice and repentance, but it will always result in true rest and fulfillment.
So Merry Christmas!… May our hearts find resolve and that we never feel the need to visit here again (because we’re cured!).
And peace be with you!
Speedwagon says
This holiday I am at a completely different place than last holiday. Last year I was at the height of my LE and about to disclose. Feels like it’s been a long bumpy year, but this holiday I am happy to have the time away from seeing LO. My LE is now much less intense and I am fairly disengaged from LO. I have no real personal relationship with her and I only have to coexist with her at the office but am practicing some fairly consistent LC and managing emotions. Still have tougher days here and there but overall I feel a bit like I’m in recovery. Biggest thing is I have come to accept that there is no hope with LO. She is only a source of pain to me, I can’t handle a friendship with her, and so I just stay disengaged from her as best as possible. Sounds a bit stark, but LO is mostly indifferent to me so it plays out just fine. I stay a bit warm in our work interactions and she seems fine with this level of interaction.
A somewhat newer development this year is the closeness I have built towards another women in my office. This one has built fairly slowly and organically and is very much reciprocal. This woman is very opposite LO in her social maturity and I really enjoy her reciprocal initiation and interest in me. We operate very 50-50. But, I am at the point of wondering if I am transferring limerence. I always thought transferring would be this one specific moment where the light switch flipped on, but this is more like a dimming switch slowly getting brighter. I find myself thinking of this woman more than LO when away from the office. It’s only at the office in the presence of LO that LO captures my attention so much. I think a lot of that just has to do with my intense physical attraction to LO. My emotional attraction to LO is lessening while my emotional attraction to this other woman is increasing. But I can sense my physical attraction to her increasing as well. I can’t tell if it’s dangerous yet, there has not been a glimmer moment, and this woman does not cause me distress at all. Maybe this is just what sincere friendship with a woman looks like. I’m keeping close watch on it and am ready to slow it down or pull back as needed. But right now she is a positive in my life.
Nisor says
Speedwagon, hi
Can you imagine two LOs in the same office? I’m sure you now have the experience with LEs and will behave accordingly. One LO may cancel out the other and you become neutral…
Best wishes for the New Year.🌹
Speedwagon says
Hi Nisor…I have been pleasantly surprised that my growing connection with this other woman has dampened the intensity of my LE. Right now it’s a positive and I am working on keeping it that way.
Mila says
Hi Speedwagon,
I transferred from one LO to the other as you describe it quite well with the dimming/increasing light.
While in the first transference there was an „ah!“ moment when I realized I was completely limerent for the next LO (I remember clearly the place and time), in the second transference it happened gradually. Physical attraction grew stronger with time, it wasn’t that strong at the beginning (opposed to my first LO where an overwhelming physical attraction was the main thing about the whole LE.)
I think you could be on a straight path to your next LE that might be different in some aspects, but still a LE!
Now that you see it so clearly, it‘s up to you if you run into it with open eyes or if you rather stop while you can? Or do you think that ship has sailed already?
Mila says
I mean, I don’t want to hold you back from a true friendship!
I‘m just a bit worried because you mentioned that physical attraction increases, and that you think of her a lot.
But maybe you can manage or maybe you will see after a while that there’s no danger of limerence after all.
Speedwagon says
Hi Mila,
There have been past relationships in my life that have followed this slow build pattern and each time the relationship never turned into an LE. Just really good friendships with a bit of romantic attraction thrown in the background. I intend to keep my feelings for this woman under control and just proceed slowly and cautiously. Right now we talk enough to know what’s going on in each other’s lives at any time, we text a little every few days, mostly as a check in but not for long open ended periods. We don’t spend alone time together or any other moments that might build sexual tension. She has a fantastic SO and I respect her and her family greatly. I think we have a good pattern of interaction that doesn’t cross and lines. Just a lot of respect for one another. When I am around this woman I never get an attraction vibe from her but I do get more real relational interest from her.
In contrast, my feelings for LO really have now deteriorated to nothing more than an intense lust. It feels very superficial. LO does not initiate relational interest in me yet I still get this weird vibe of attraction from her. I catch her looking at me, she has strong eye contact with me, and she giggles at a lot of things I say when we banter. But it all feels like crumbs and I am sorta over it.
Mila says
Hi Speedwagon,
I guess your LO hasn’t forgotten your disclosure and her ego is still faintly tickled by it, she‘s subconsciously aware of an attraction male being attracted to her, which is flattering, and involuntarily she behaves a bit flirty.
Or she just doesn’t want you to think that she shuns you because of your disclosure, hence the eye contact and agreeing giggle when you make a joke,she wants to make you feel comfortable, which is actually nice.
Or she doesn’t think at all and is generally a person who communicates in a flirty way because that was always expected of her and she doesn’t know another way to be friendly.
In the end, it doesn’t matter.
You seem to have found a more mature friend in your other colleague, she sounds more interesting than giggle girl, but to me all sounds a tiny bit dangerous in terms of limerence, either from her or your side…
But you seem to be in control, and maybe we shouldn’t talk about it too much in that way so as not to conjure something that’s not there!
Bewitched says
Hi Speedwagon,
You have always been very clear-sighted and strong with your LO. Although I know it’s not necessarily a ‘done deal’ where limerence is defeated, I envy where you are at. I envy your decisiveness. I am not decisive in my LE. But, like you, I think my limerence is under control and at a manageable level most of the time.
About this new woman. You say that she causes you no distress. This is potentially positive, in that, it could be a signifier of a true friendship rather than transference to a new LE. Or, the fact that there is no distress could be because you are on the top of the limerence slope, where the deterioration phase has not yet kicked-in.
Just two cents to be wary of going there. Gyard your heart, please!!!
Happy New Year to you.
Bewitched says
*Guard* your heart 🥴😖
Speedwagon says
Thank you for the encouraging words about LO. It’s taken a lot of time and failure to get to this place.
I don’t feel distress over this other woman at all which is a good signifier of a more healthy relationship, and not an LE, but I do find myself at times hoping for a text from her. Something to show she is thinking of me. Usually she will come through if we have not texted for a few days and I was last to initiate. But I want to be very careful of not building unhealthy or unrealistic relational expectations. I intend to keep texting mild and controlled.
ABCD says
Hi Speedwagon. I am really glad that your LE intensity has reduced. Do you think this has much to do with your friendship with the other co-worker? What I mean to ask is, do you think you would have felt the same with regards to your LO if you had not forged a friendship with your other co-worker.
My situation is similar to yours, in that I need to co-exist with LO. Any advice on how I can manage interactions with her? I would also like to ask this from other members – how to manage interactions with LO. Thanks!
Limerent nurse says
Dear ABCD,
I am not sure of the extent in which you interact with your coworker LO, but for me I noticed once they gave me their phone numbers (under the guise of friendship) and we started connecting outside of the workplace is when things started to get really hot for me.
So if I could offer some advice (and you might already be doing this), it’s to not exchange phone numbers, and not to engage in any social media communication with anyone you suspect you are, or could be, limerent toward.
My patterns involved some friendly conversations, getting each other’s numbers, and then communicating outside of work. And also forming one-on-one bonding. The first one met up with me for some jogs and gym time. The second one asked me out to coffee, which I had to refuse.
I am fortunate that both of my limerent experiences no longer with me. But last month I noticed myself starting to feel a growing attraction for someone who my brain wanted to transfer to. I had to stop myself from communicating with him. We exchanged numbers, we communicated through a work platform, the whole bit… but he understood when I told him I am “having issues” and had to cut it off. I didn’t explain the limerence or anything — and it never got to a disclosure talk — but he seemed to understand and he didn’t press the issue.
It’s hard to explain how I can have coworkers who are men and not be limerent for them. I can enjoy their presence and conversation… but there are certainly men with whom I cannot do this with. They just become so overwhelmingly awesome in limerence, and I can’t handle myself! For my safety, no more cell phone numbers and no more additional communications helped nip the transference in the bud.
ABCD says
Thanks Limerent Nurse. I think that you have done a great job in taking active actions towards your LEs.
Generally, my interactions with LO are work related, sometime I initiate, and sometimes she does. Both of us are quick to respond to each other. I agree with you totally, in the past, I have struggled with social media interactions, so now am trying to curb. We do not see each other in person that often. There is an ongoing break, so there is no LO contact. I guess the takeaways is that one really needs to be careful with LO social media interactions.
Speedwagon says
Hi ABCD,
At this point in my LE I only interact with LO over work matters. I have to oversee her work usually a couple times a day which typically means I call her into my office (door open) and we talk for 5-15 minutes on what she is working on. That’s it. I don’t even ask basic personal questions like “how are you?” or “What did you do this weekend?”. I have just got to the point where I don’t want to know about her, the more I know the more I ruminate about her and I am tired of her taking up my head space. I slip up about every 3-4 weeks and end up having a more personal indepth conversation with her, usually about nothing important. Our conversations can be fun, we are both witty people and we banter and tease well. But those moments only endear me to her more and I end up crashing later into a mild depression over her. The crash is why I now try to stay away from the personal engagement and why I have come to understand I cannot be friends with her. I think it’s the true acceptance of the death of hope with LO and the futility of friendship with her that I can now fully disengage from LO and feel better and more stable when I do. What also helps is my LO does not initiate personal interaction with me so I am not fighting against her pursuit of me at all. But, I still ultimately hope she somehow leaves my company and I can be completely NC because LC is only a band-aid and being in her presence is still a trigger for me.
To answer your first question, a big yes, having this growing friendship has distracted me from LO and helped dampen my LE. This other woman is very opposite of LO in that she is an initiator and reciprocator relationally. She takes interest in me. She is very engaging with me. But what is weird is I never get an attraction vibe from her, but her actions suggest she holds a level of interest in me. In contrast, LO drips with attraction vibes when I am around her (it’s what started my LE) but LOs actions suggest she could care less about me. It’s very different but I appreciate the actions over the vibes so much more. They are tangible. This other woman is very attractive, in fact I would guess 9 of 10 men would find her more attractive than LO, but I just never had strong immediate attraction to her and certainly not intense attraction to her like I do LO. But as my emotional connection to this woman grows I find that my attraction is growing too, so I need to be very careful. I don’t want a glimmer moment to happen and I need to keep some boundaries up. Right now we are in a good relational rhythm and I don’t want to start pursuing her more or doing things that build closeness. I think our level of interaction is appropriate and stable and I want to keep it that way.
I hope that explanation helps you in some way.
Limerent nurse says
That’s great, Speedwagon! Keep up the great work!
ABCD says
Thanks Speedwagon. Your message is extremely helpful. It seems that you are going through a start of transference, and its great that you recognise that you need to tread carefully with your new friendship.
I have experience similar to yours – LO interaction feels really good while its lasts, only to be followed by a feeling of the blues, and the cycle repeats. So, naturally, it makes sense to handle the interactions carefully (if NC is not possible). This will make our minds and thinking more stable. Thanks again, and wish you the best.
Problem Child says
I am not one qualified to give advice on LO interactions – I fail to do the right thing at every hurdle. I can even see the horror of it all playing out in front of me, and still choose to plough on. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, don’t be like me! Have a clear plan of action and stick to it, that’s if you want out of this experience, which I highly doubt a lot of us do. Or we don’t want to put the effort in because it’s so painful. I’d rather someone picked me up and moved me on a year from now having erased my memory of him and this time.
When I question my gut, I want him, my heart is lurching towards him but my head tells me how insane that is and how much pain I will cause a lot of people. I don’t yet know him very well at all, so our loose plan is to get to know each other and hopefully that will clear our minds. I often think we have a connection that I don’t have with SO, and he feels that too, with his SO, but we both recognise that it could also easily be purely lust, and that the only way forward, for now, is to keep things in check and slowly work it out. Although I worry that he’s changed his mind (very quiet of late) and that tomorrow he will tell me it’s over.
ABCD says
Hi Problem Child. Thanks for sharing.
I guess I have been guilty as well of being weak in the LE recovery process. Though I think I feel more confident now of managing my emotions with respect to her, as compared to 6 months back. I am taking that as a positive step. Its so true that unless you do not want LE to get over from within you, any plan that you make will not really work. Wish me luck!
Problem Child says
I do ABCD! I wish you all the luck in the world. This is such a lonely place to be in. I have confided in a few, very trusted friends, but ultimately their advice is not what I want to hear, and I do not heed it.
That is wonderful that you feel your emotions are in check. Keep holding onto that.
We are back at work tomorrow and I feel reasonably calm about things, though I have no idea which way it is going to go. Sometimes I think I would be better off if he ended it, made a decision once and for all, then I didn’t have to, but I know I’d be upset that he got there first! There is no win!
Wishing everyone super strength!
Serial Limerent says
I’m right there with you, Problem Child! What I should do and what I want to do are in huge conflict.
Nisor says
Hello all limerents,
New year is coming and some people use it to take important decisions in their lives.
If you don’t know what to do with your LO for the next year, I suggest you visit Dr.L’s. Blog of August 5, 2023 , “HOW INDECISION WORSEN LIMERENCE.”
There are some golden nuggets to glean from:
“Indecision means keeping our options open, rather than burning bridges.”
(So, what’s gonna be for you?)
“Remain indecisive for long enough and events TEND TO DECIDE THE ISSUE FOR YOU, one way or another…”. ????????
Sounds eerie!
Question: “What would your life be like in 5 years if you carry on as you are?”
And many many other pieces of advice, reality, truth….
Remember, “ You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.” Bob Dylan )
Have a great New Year’s Eve and a wonderful new Year.
Limerent Emeritus says
“Indecision means keeping our options open, rather than burning bridges.”
Song of the Post: “Burning Bridges” – Mike Curb Congregation (1971) from “Kelly’s Heroes”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG7p3KHwS_E
I’ve loved this movie since I saw it when it came out. I was 15. I’ve been watching it for decades. The song was my mantra through my 20s. Meeting LO #2 changed that although I ended up burning that bridge eventually, too.
I think I identify with at least one trait in every character in the movie. Every character has something. On the surface, the movie is pretty superficial but if you watch it, listen to the characters, and you’re open to it, there’s a lot of nuance.
If you’ve never seen it, I recommend it. You might have to watch it more than once. It took me 3-4 times before I stopped picking up new things.
Nisor says
LE, hi
For sure I’ve seen the movie, but a long long time ago; I don’t remember much except the busting of the bank, immediately recognized the actors. I love war movies, specially if they are based on a real event. Did you see the movie “ The bridge over the river Kwai “ with William Holden, and Alex Guinness? Great movie. What about “Private Ryan”? Not that old, but really scary.
There’s a treasure of old movies based on the Second World War, oh God, the horrors of war!!!
And I thought we were over the terror of wars….
Have a very happy New Year, lots of health, peace and prosperity.
Limerent Emeritus says
Nisor,
“Did you see the movie “ The bridge over the river Kwai “ with William Holden, and Alex Guinness? Great movie.”
Way ahead of you. Even the bridge motif works.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-music/#comment-1547
I watched “Bridge Over the River Kwai” with my father.
As a former submarine officer, probably one of my all time favorite movies is “Das Boot.”
Nisor says
Hi LE,
Das boot, I don’t think I’ve seen it. The movie freak home is my SO, he knows all the old movies and remembers them well. Irony, he doesn’t remember real events in our lives as well as he does the movies plots and actors, ha!
Mila says
I don’t like war movies that much, but I loved „Das Boot“!
ABCD says
Thanks Problem Child! I wish the same for you too! Hope that you, and all of us, feel better.
Problem Child says
Well today gave me no answers at all. Do I already have my answer? He said he wants us to get to know each other but then I feel over the festive period we disconnected. He didn’t really reach out to me, and although he responded quickly the two times I messaged him, I feel I’m doing all the chasing.
Limerence worsens Limerence, that’s what has been ringing in my head today. I need to take a step back, cool off and see what happens. If he likes me he will do something surely? I mean we chatted about holidays and work but nothing that I wanted to talk about, and I’m tired of always being the one to bring it up, so my resolve is to not do that anymore. It’s a win-win I think. Either he will open up and we’ll connect again or he won’t and the very action of me backing off will lessen the Limerence.
Right???
Mila says
Taking a step back is surely the best thing now.
Not to get things even or show him something, but for you to clear your head.
Don’t be suddenly cold or narky to get a reaction, just don’t be the active part for once and take time for yourself to consider what you really want…
Don’t have more of an advice, sorry, it sounds as if you are in the thick of it and to cut everything off is anyway not possible for you at the moment.
Nisor says
Hi Problem child,
“I need to take a step back, cool off and see what happens.”
That’s exactly what you should do, and it will be a good idea if you don’t initiate anything with him. Relax and let go for as long as you can handle it. True colors will show…
Best wishes and a peaceful New Year, free of limerence!
Problem Child says
Thank you Nisor, I appreciate your encouragement.
I just keep wondering what’s going on in his head, and should I ask him how he feels after the Christmas break? How does he turn his feelings off? Is that a no??
New year blessings to you!
Nisor says
Problem Child,
That struggle we have of what’s going on in LOs head is common to all limerents. We wish we had the magic ball to read their feelings their thoughts. That’s our biggest question, we want to know if they reciprocate the same as us. Unfortunately we will never know, and I understand the frustration and agony in our hearts and minds. We will never know! That’s for sure. So, please, don’t ask him anything. Let it be. I know you’re curious and desperate to know , but showing a bit of indifference to him
now will make him react or think of this situation with you. You now need to be strong and get the courage not to approach him at all. It’s for your own sake and sanity. You are at a very dangerous place and need to scale it down. We are with you to encourage you to stay strong and away from LO. Take baby steps to detach from him, it’s understandable that it would be difficult and painful but you
must be strong for the sake of your family and yourself. Contact this site every time you get an urge to contact him in whichever manner. Go through this trial period as your new way of rediscovering
yourself. Think of your self esteem, your dignity, your pride etc. and rise your head up high and say ‘I deserve better than this, I
don’t take crumbs from nobody.” Indeed, you deserve better !
Stay strong and be victorious! You can do it!
Best wishes. Hugs.
Adam says
Problem Child
At my own risk (as my wife posts here too and says I always risk taking two steps back reminiscing about my LE) I would share something with you. I am doing a lot better as NC continues. My wife and I are doing better together. We have been closer and more intimate together which was something that was greatly suffering between us because of my limerence. But I want to share a conversation I had with HER at a point where I was really neck deep in the quicksand of limerence.
This was back when I smoked and I was out in the warehouse smoking and SHE came out, as SHE vaped but would still not do it in the office. SHE had been particularly distant and short in our work interactions that day and I was worried it was something that I did. So I asked HER.
“You seem upset today. Was it something I did? I am sorry if it was me.”
“No it’s not you. It’s family stuff. (Her mother and her don’t get along well.) I don’t think I could be mad at you ever. You are the nicest to me than any other man.”
So my mind is live WOW! Is she saying she thinks that way of me?!?! Should I ask her? If anytime is the right time it’s now!
But before I could formulate how I was going to ask HER I look over HER way. SHE takes a drag from HER vape and turns and looks at me and says ,,,,
“And not for the wrong reasons like most men do.”
How embarrassing and awkward would it have been for the rest of our time together as co-workers if I had said what I wanted to. It would have went from a pleasant work interactions to uncomfortable. And I would have been the one that did it.
Just some food for thought. Take care of yourself young lady. And as Nisor said we are all here for you when you need someone to talk to. I don’t post as much anymore but I still come here and read posts and comments.
Problem Child says
Gosh Adam, yes I see what you mean, he could have any number of things on his mind and there’s me making it about me (isn’t it always?!) thank you for this.
I will try my hardest to wait it out, it can only get easier!
Problem Child says
Thanks Mila, no not possible, but he will be on holiday for two weeks so I am hoping that will give us the space to gain a clear perspective. It didn’t work over Christmas but perhaps because I kept chasing him. I am determined not to contact him while he is away.
I am starting to realise my huge part in this, in my own potential demise, and that of others. What sort of person sets out to steal another woman’s partner? It’s deplorable.
No, I wouldn’t be cold or narky, I don’t want to make things even more difficult for him.
Whatever will be will be!
ABCD says
Hi Problem Child. Agreeing with what Mila and Nisor have said, it is a good idea to take a step back, as it looks like going full NC is not an option with you. I wish that the time off will allow you to build your resolve and resilience, both of which would help you in your LE. Good luck!
Mila says
Just saw this post, Problem Child!
Hope you get a clearer picture of this whole situation in the next two weeks!
Don’t beat yourself up, you didn’t set out to steal him!
Still, it’s good to look at yourself from the outside and ask yourself, do I like the way I behave? Is it really good for me?
ABCD says
Hello and happy new years to all LwL members! Just wanted to share what’s going on currently with my LE. Due to the holiday season, there has been absolutely no contact with LO, and I am trying to use this time to build resilience and clarity of thought, that I cannot pursue LO as both of us have SOs, and that I need to get out of the high – low cycle so that I end up feeling better overall. Guess the real test will be when there is an interaction. However, at the moment, I feel more confident than earlier, that I can navigate through this experience. Wish me luck!
Nisor says
That’s great news ABCD! We’re rooting for you! Stay strong 💪🏽.
You’re a champion that never walks back, we hope and pray. That was my mantra when I decided to split my relationship with LO: “ I’m a slow walker but I never walk back.” Even if I wanted to walk back, I couldn’t betray myself and my mantra…. Rise up inside yourself and take courage, get angry at yourself for giving up, love yourself for being stoic and strong. Done with the past, look forward . It can be done if you put all your intentions on it. It’s hurtful, but cathartic. Freedom from attachment is the goal! We need to be free! We’re born free! We’re more than enough! LOs will know we don’t need them, period. Let’s unite against this bitter/sweet thing that is limerence and conquer it, do away with it. We’ll be victorious! Why not? Oh God please help, give us the strength to succeed . LOs are only a source of pain, a monster, 👹 DONT feed it. Its destructive, it’s binding in the wrong way. We want to be free, free! Say it out loud… breath deep and enjoy your soon to come freedom!
Cheering for a Happy New Year. Stay put. Best wishes. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
ABCD says
Thanks for the super words of encouragement, Nisor! Your pep talk is really appreciated!
Mila says
ABCD,
I wish you luck indeed!
Just hold on to that good feeling now, don’t forget it immediately when there is interaction.
As you see in my case, sometimes interaction is helpful in quelling the limerence because reality shows that the LO is just a human and not as magnificent as your mind built him/her up in his/her absence, but sometimes it‘s the opposite, one forgot how lovely they can be etc, and then all resolve is forgotten.
One can‘t really know how it will be or prepare emotionally, but what one can do is decide on actions- you don’t know what you will feel when you see her, but you can decide not to try to establish further meetings, or try to flirt, you could decide to feel whatever you feel, but keep your hands still and your mouth restrained, if you understand what I mean.
But maybe you‘ll get so far that you won’t even feel that much when you see her!
All the best for you and a good start into the new year!
ABCD says
Thanks Mila! Yes, it is easier during the holidays, but the challenge is facing the next interaction. Yes, it will be interesting to see how I will feel during those. Your advise on following a restrained approach makes perfect sense, thanks for that. I agree with you, the interactions are a double edged sword. But, if they are inevitable, one needs to deal with them as best as one can.
Generally, I get weak kneed during interactions with her, probably due to a mix of fear and excitement, so I will try to be more confident in my approach. I am hoping that will help.
All the best to you too!
Bewitched says
Hi ABCD,
Wow – so you also succeeded to avoid social media interactions over the entire holiday period? That’s impressive 💪😇👍. Well done!
For those of us returning to work with our work-based LOs, how on earth are we going to manage January?
Sending strength….!
ABCD says
Thanks Bewitched! Yes, the real test is coming soon. Hope it goes well for us all.
Problem Child says
Thank you Nisor, I needed to hear this. I was very close to approaching him but luckily there wasn’t really an opportunity and I held fast from engineering one. We were polite with each other and there was the usual knowing eye contact but that’s all. Crumbs exactly!
I’m telling myself this will get easier, and I will post on the site if it gets overwhelming.
Well done on the no contact ABCD, that is inspiring!
ABCD says
Hi Problem Child. Well done on not “going out of you way”. I have also tried to do the same, as both of us have SOs.
It has been my experience that I the more I engage with her, the lousier I feel later, whether the engagement is real or virtual. Of course, the temporary high feels very good, only to be followed by feeling low. So, it is intuitive that the more one disengages, the better one would feel eventually, there will be a period of missing LO, but it will surely get better. So, in this sense, you are taking a good path. All the very best!
Problem Child says
Hi everyone,
My urge to text is quite strong at the moment, so I am taking Nisor’s, or was it ABCD’s, advice and posting here. We had a lovely interaction at work were we I ust chatted about nothing much, certainly not about the situation, and it’s left me in an odd state of combined mild anxiety and joy. As usual, I want affirmation that he still has feelings for me, and to know where he’s at in his head (if only!) I asked him how he was ‘otherwise’ and he started talking about his bad back, which wasn’t what I meant, now I’m wondering, did he evade the discussion deliberately or completely miss the point? Which is why I want to text, but I know I shouldn’t. He just needs to go on his holiday and have a lovely time. Ahhh!!! It’s going to be a long two weeks…
Mila says
Problem Child,
I‘m here with you. Cannot offer much advice, but share your urge to text.
As I predicted, he hasn’t texted either until now.
Which means that I still can read him well and that it‘s not the case that we simply had a pleasant evening among friends and I‘m the only one who feels a bit off now.
But maybe I‘m reading too much into it again.
I know he’s busy.
In the usual frequency of texts (daily) I would have asked by now how his work project was going, or he would have sent some funny picture or asked something about my life/work.
I wonder if he doesn’t text because 1.he, like me, feels it‘s enough and we should stop, or 2. is just busy and doesn’t notice anything, or 3. was uncomfortable to be with both our SOs and needs to recover, or 4. feels that I was cool or didn’t behave like he wanted me to or 5. realized I‘m not that great after all and lost interest (I know, I know, the last one is whiny without having the right to be whiny because I don’t text either).
It’s funny because I sort of „lost interest“ or saw how futile it all is, but I cannot let him have the same revelation, he should be please go on to be limerent and attentive to me. Double standards.
Problem Child,
I know that kind of asking something or making a remark stepping on dangerous or important terrain, and getting this „innocent“ response. Me, I also never know if he pretends to not understand or really doesn’t understand.
Don’t think about it too much. Maybe his resolve is to leave everything be until after his holiday and that’s why he‘s determined not to speak about it?
Problem Child says
Hi Mila,
Yes, I’m hoping that’s it. There was a very small hint that we might bump into each other this evening, but I could be reading it wrong, it could have been a completely innocent comment. We shall see.
Your list of reasons he hasn’t texted made me smile because I am doing that too! Why didn’t he say something?
1. He feels awkward. 2. He’s no longer interested. 3. He’s sticking to his resolve, after all it was usually me who would bring up the ‘situation’ 4. He thinks I’ve lost interest. 5. He is focusing on having a great holiday and a break from the crazy woman!
I suppose it could be a combination of any of them, for both of our LOs, hell they are probably as confused/lost/anxious as us. Of course they are, right? Ha!
Mila says
Ugh, I simply don’t know…
I tend to think he would think/feel like me in the same situation, but he is of course a completely different person from me, as I realized anew when I saw him in person two days ago after quite a while of just texting.
So let’s just sit it out and write here…
Mila says
While I posted, he texted…
Asking about my new years resolves because we texted about them on New Year’s Eve.
So what do I do now?
I‘ll just leave it unread for a bit (just saw the preview on the Home Screen), I‘m so unsure about how to proceed with the whole thing…
Imho says
Hi Mila, happy new year. I’m still catching up here on all the posts, so not sure all the details, but I see you are struggling right now ! My first thought to help you is to reread your own strategy to help you act on this current text conundrum. Your words :-
“the way out would be „fake it til you make it“, in this case meaning, that I should respond to him and act like I would if there wasn’t any limerence, as if all things were as they should, only warm friendship.
Because now I react to texts etc as a limerent, I have these expectations, there are these mini interactions with kissing emojis or withholding kissing emojis etc, of being aware who sent the first text today etc.
If he would be just a friend I wouldn’t think half as much, I would think nothing of responding much later or not texting for days etc, and most important in my case, not get into a huff about not texting or whatever.
I will think every time before texting, remove myself mentally from the limerence and ask myself how I would text if it was really just a friend.
And carry on like that until it is true.”
Mila says
Imho,
Thanks so much.
I needed reminding of that, but wouldn’t find my old posts even if I tried😅
So I’ll revert to that strategy, which means not ignore his text (at the moment I cannot bring myself to open it) but answer nicely but without encouraging more texting. That’s a bit difficult because he texted about new year resolutions.
I‘ll just wait a bit longer before opening it🙈..
Yes, sorry, many posts of mine,
I blathered a lot here because of an evening at my place two days ago and general uncertainty about everything…
I hope you had a good start into the new year!
Imho says
That’s ok Mila. LO sent me a message this morning. I’ve not read it yet and will not reply until at least tomorrow maybe longer as it’s still holiday time.
One other thing to consider is to send a shortish reply late evening and say you are tired. This will stop the conversation. You may get a goodnight emoji though ! You could also say one of your NY resolutions is to spend less time on your phone each day, and be more present in the real world, ie “less texting my friend”
Mila says
Ok, failed at not encouraging more texting. Felt it was impolite not to ask about his work. He wrote he‘ll text later more about it…
Here we go again.
Have to dial that down. Will just answer in a short way on his text.
Sorry for this detailed stuff, I‘m spamming this thread, I’ll stop now.
Mila says
Oh, just saw your reply, Imho.
Thanks, you are full of ideas. Actually I did avoid texting late in the evening in the last weeks just to avoid good night and kissing emojis!
So if he texts too late tonight I‘ll just leave it unread until tomorrow.
And good idea about the phone detox. Would do me good anyway…
Doesn’t it bother you to leave it unread until tomorrow? You are so much better than me at this!😅
Problem Child says
Hi Mila,
Well I can’t help but be jealous that your LO texted! I suppose it prolongs the whole thing but it’s still an affirmation. My LO did not turn up where I thought he might so I read him incorrectly, or something got in the way. I still feel that with each time I resist texting it gets easier, even if momentarily, so I am continuing with that plan. I would suggest taking control and ending the conversation. I am usually the first to initiate and the last to respond (other than maybe an emoji from him), which I feel gives him all the control. I think taking some of that back will be empowering. In my case that means not initiating texting, and in yours I think means leaving him on read. It’s not impolite, it’s self-preservation!
Mila says
Problem Child,
also answering to your other post.
This really seems a tough place to be in.
He disclosed and backed off, leaving you with a vague „I might leave my SO and then we might try it“.
Maybe you should give him some credit in being confused too, and he‘s not reticent to hurt you but because he‘s scared of what he said and of rushing into something he hadn’t thought through.
Still, you cannot go on like this. Texting him and seeking contact is probably not the way forward now.
When does he leave for holidays?
Maybe just send him a nice warm „have a great holiday“ message without double entendre on the day he leaves, then leave him alone for the two weeks, but after that you really have to talk.
If you feel that you cannot cope with it all for two weeks, then tell him you need to talk to him now.
You need to know more about his situation and how he feels, so that you can sit down and think about what you really want. Don’t accuse him, but he has to understand that your situation is untenable.
It might be that he pulled back because he needs to sort his thoughts etc, but to sort your own thoughts, you need more open communication about the situation.
You could tell him that it’s difficult for you to deal with it all if you communicate as if nothing happened. He doesn’t have to give you assurance all the time, but it must be possible to talk about it.
The other thing is to think hard about if he really is what you want.
You say you had a happy relationship with your SO.
Is it really worth throwing it away for someone who leaves you hanging in the air like this? I think part of his appeal is this uncertainty and you having constantly to doubt his feelings. Take that away and you are left with someone who cannot communicate openly about important stuff?
Mila says
On my own texting problem,
he sent a text last night which I opened only now after writing the last post, and he caught me off guard with a very nice remark- although it might not mean much when somebody else said it, him being bad at compliments and almost never making them, this was a real bomb, so to say.
I replied nicely to this, of course, and even added a kissing Emoji (don’t kill me, Imho).
Will still try to reduce the frequency of contact and thoughts about him.
Problem Child says
Hello Mila,
Thank you so much for this insightful advice. To clarify, he’d said he can’t leave her over Christmas, but that they can’t keep on as they are (she stresses him out, not sure what about exactly). My worry is that if cause him extra stress, he will end it with me too, but you’re right, I can’t go on like this, and who would want to be with a man who can’t handle conflict and others feelings?
I think I will text him as you suggest, wish him a great holiday but can we talk when he gets back, and explain my feelings as you have so insightfully laid out here. You must be telepathic!
They are so good at keeping us hanging aren’t they? Although I suppose it is within our power to end that, by ending the relationship. LO rarely gives me compliments, and when he does, it is as you describe, a bomb. Who wants bombs going off in their life??
Mila says
Ok Problem Child,
in this case of waiting until after the holidays (which makes sense because of his remark) I wouldn’t put any pressure into that message as in „when you come back I really need to talk to you“, save that for after the holidays.
Just wish him a good time and if you suggest meeting after, do it in a non-urgent way so as not to leave that phrase „I need to talk to you urgently“ hang over him for two weeks.
When he‘s back you can put the pressure on;) 💪🏻
Problem Child says
I’m so glad I have you here Mila! I just drafted a very long text pouring out much of the sentiment you suggested, but I realised you meant in the case of me being confused, and as he has actually laid out his situation, I was wondering if it was the right thing to do. I will send him the innocent happy holidays text instead. Mission aborted!
Imho says
Hi Mila, you see that I waited overnight to respond to your post. I’m showing off my will-power to you. Ha ha ! I’ve still not read or replied to my LO, as I’m on holiday and he took a while to reply last time.
Good for you also not responding to your LO until today. Tut tut on the emoji choice though! others are available…. 🤗😊🙏👏
Mila says
Hi Problem Child,
yes I think it’s better not to give him the full load of your thoughts shortly before he departs. Better there‘s time and space to really have a conversation about it.
But I‘m really, really not sure if you should take my advices😂look at me, dawdling around in limerence limbo. I‘m not in pain and this LE is really not as bad as the two before , but I still don’t feel as if I should ladling out advice when I myself have no clue what I‘m doing…
Mila says
Imho,
I‘m amazed at your willpower anyhow! Look at me, I have to respond to your post the minute I read it😂
My LO seems to have his phone turned off, I know that there’s no reception where he works but usually he turns it on in lunch break.
Doesn’t bother me though, and it’s a shame that it only doesn’t bother me because he sent me that nice message before.
The thing is that my mind is more calm and I ruminate less or think less about him when there’s certainty of affection and we‘ve got a warm atmosphere going on. It proves that it’s such a habit.
If I could leave it at that and not want more from time to time, it would be great.
Who was it who asked about platonic friendship? Have to look for that post.
When will you read that message, Imho? Next week when all is in work mode?
Imho says
Mila, you gave good advice.
Problem Child, as Mila said best to wish him good holiday and leave it, no implication that you are loading the emotional cannon ready to be released after his holiday. Good you hit the pause button on that.
After the 2 weeks, he may present you with big choices or maybe the limbo will continue from his side.
I guess for you it’s really time to think over the hard cold reality of how it is and what YOU want now and the long run. Feels like crunch time.
Abcd says some good things in his post you too. Appreciate it’s real tough. Stay strong.
Problem Child says
Thanks IMHO, yes, crunch time indeed. I’m a mess at the moment and I can’t focus on anything else. I don’t know how to reach a conclusion but I’m hoping the space will help. I suspect that’s why he’s going away, it was quite last minute, “I want to get to know you” he said, but then books a holiday and never contacts me! How’s that for mixed signals!
Mila says
Problem Child,
just for my own curiosity,
is he going on holiday with his SO or on his own?
Imho says
Hi Mila,
In response to your question
“When will you read that message, Imho? Next week when all is in work mode”.
_x_
I was weak and I did read LOs message shortly after our communication (not blaming you Mila, ha ha !).
Yes, it will be Monday ( the working week) when I respond, I’m being strict with myself on that. I know that I must be more controlled and I am actually feeling less limerent at the moment. Wish me luck to continue this approach as I do genuinely want LO to be my true friend and nothing more 🤞
Mila says
Hi Imho!
I wish you luck and still admire your resolve!
I just wonder for myself, since I‘ve got the same how-fast-to-respond-question on my hands, if
1. I would think less of him and the whole LE if I would just answer whenever he writes and I read it- all this thinking of leaving it unread etc feels a bit like playing games,
2. if I wouldn’t answer a true friend (who is nothing more than that) just as soon. I usually answer fast to everyone (as you see here;), at least when I don’t miss the posts directed to me🙈), and he really is a friend, so it seems a bit hurtful to not answer for days to him.
(I don’t mean you, you might have another pattern of texting with people).
As it is, we texted yesterday (after having texted quite warmly the evening before, including the bedevilled emojis and generally being back to square one) and after a question of mine about something in his well-being (that was in the afternoon)he suddenly stopped, having read it only in the night and not answered to it🤷🏻♀️
Could be a number of reasons, I‘m not disturbed, but I‘m „aha, so when he finally answers my question, I‘ll not text for a while too״ and do you now know how it feels like playing games?
At the moment I think it would be better not to think too much about not texting too soon.
Maybe I‘ll just text whenever I read it etc, but be more aware of how/what I text (not inviting further texting, no playful remarks) etc.
Without sounding pissed off, of course. (which is also a problem. I swing between tender and pissed-off moods with him and find it hard to stay in a benevolent and slightly indifferent state).
Imho says
Hi Mila, I guess it’s just what do you want to achieve, and then work back from that. I text my friends on average once or twice a week. More than that feels too much as I know too much familiarity can breed contempt, which is what you probably refer to about being p*ssed off with him sometimes. This happens in families who spend too much time together.
Generally, it’s good to be on my phone less often, and do other productive things. It doesn’t need overthinking, a simple ‘gotta run, bye for now’ with a smiley (non kissing) face 😀
Mila says
Imho,
„I text my friends on average once or twice a week.“
actually that was the case when we were still working together. Now I see him so seldom and never know when, and there’s also his leaving for good hanging in the air, so it feels as if reducing texting means reducing the friendship.
Which is b..shit, I guess.
I just got myself into this weird fixation on him , limerence, whatever, I have to extricate myself.
„I know too much familiarity can breed contempt, which is what you probably refer to about being p*ssed off with him sometimes.“
This is really interesting.
I think you are right, and one part of it is that we are very similar in some of our weak sides, and these are the sides of him that I suspect I get impatient with most. (Is that correct English, maybe not)
I love your posts, Imho, because you dish out really precious advice in casual passing.
(By the way, I did well today- read the text, answered politely but ended texting after three texts on the first opportunity.)
I can do it💪🏻this limerence might just be a trained-on habit I have to kill.
Twisted says
Hi everyone, I’m new here and this is my first post. I think I need help. I am going insane right now!
I started my LE 6 months ago with my kids sports coach but both of us are married and have SO’s. My LO was happily replying to my texts for the first few weeks even though the texts were more flirty/suggestive from my end. But after a couple of months he started waiting longer before responding and only responded with an emoji or a 3 word sentence. When I asked him why he was being curt, he said that he was choosing an analog lifestyle and not texting people too much. So I stopped texting him for 1.5 months. That was my first NC. However he was on social media and he engaged with my posts/stories there.
Couple of months ago, I started texting him again, but in a more platonic way. However my LE was pretty strong and I wanted to disclose, so I messaged to ask him if we could meet, but he gave excuses about how busy his day was, so I just let it go. I then went on a 3 week vacation and he didn’t like any of my social media posts (I posted almost every day), and I didn’t interact with his posts either. So that was when the pain cycle started. I must have spooked him when I asked to meet up with him before I went on vacation!!
When I got back from vacation, I still wanted to spend time with him, so I booked a couple of 1:1 coaching sessions with him, and after one of the sessions I told him in person that I was feeling hurt when he didn’t respond to my messages in a timely manner. I even cried! I wanted to disclose but I didn’t have the courage to do that, so I told him the next thing that actually does hurt me. He seemed surprised I told him that but he was not phased. He said it’s good to be open & honest and put it all out there. He also said that he had like 30 messages he needed to respond to and he only looks at his phone 3 times a day. So he will eventually get back to everyone in his own time. He mentioned that he was a bad corespondent, and it drives his wife nuts!
After this interaction however, he started totally ignoring my texts and posts (though that was exactly what I cried to him about). I sent him a couple of Amazon links a day before Christmas, and he didn’t even like those messages or say thank you. We were totally NC during the holidays for 10 days. Both of us posted on social media but both of us didn’t like each other’s posts or wish each other for Christmas or New Year.
This silent treatment was hurting me a lot and I felt ashamed that I even opened up to him. So I decided in my head that it’s best to go full NC but at the same time I felt a need to send an apology text to him to say sorry if I was out of line.
After debating this for a while, I saw a story he posted online about a funny saying “Don’t be half the problem. Be the entire problem.” So I thought that’s a good way to break the ice and I replied to his story saying “I’m sorry for being the entire fucking problem, hope you can forgive me”. It’s been almost 2 days and he has not even viewed my message. This is very unusual for him. He usually acknowledges my DM’s and responds within a day. So this tells me that he is actually upset with me and wants me out of his life. I feel angry and annoyed! Why does he tell me to be open and honest and then punish me for telling him how I feel?
So now I’m at a crossroads. Do I delete my social media and go full NC or do I send him one final message telling him I’m sorry?
I am going crazy right now and I can’t concentrate on my work or my life. I want some form of closure but I don’t know what to do!
Your help and insight will be truly appreciated!
Nisor says
Twisted, hi.
I saw your post and would like to help , but I must be blunt…. This fellow is very impolite with you. Don’t send him any messages, seems he is not interested. Best thing is to ignore him and go No contact. Don’t check his social media either. Check the list of blogs in this site and read on on the subject matter, things relevant to your situation. Whatever you do DO NOT CONTACT him
In any shape or form.
Stay strong and determined. Best wishes .
Twisted says
Thank you Nisor. I agree, it’s the rudeness that hurts. However, I get it! He is in a hard position and has previously told me about incidents where sports coaches can get sued for improper behavior. So he is probably trying to protect himself. It is still so impolite though, because we have shared so much of our lives with each other and I would have appreciated a softer blow, and not full on breaks!
For now, I’m staying strong.
ABCD says
Hi Twisted. I am sorry you are not feeling so good. I think you should just stay away from this guy, that is the best option. He seems to be a toxic character. It will not feel good for some time initially, but slowly, your feelings will stabilise. If you can, delete all previous social media interactions that you had with him. All the best!
Limerent nurse says
Hi Twisted!
When my LE started contacting or responding less, he actually told me he was doing that purposely because he started to realize it was not a good thing to be interacting with a married woman. And looking back, it was the best thing that he could have told me. So I said a quick sorry, deleted his number and conversations, and kept my distance. Even though he initiated the LE, he eventually was able to help me end it.
The hardest part for you will be the lack of closure. This man is actually doing you a favor of not interacting with you, whether he’s doing it intentionally or not, and it actually will help you start the recovery process.
I don’t say that he is a bad person; my LE was very polite when he said this, but it still hurt emotionally.
Unfortunately, some people are unclear in their responses. Or give mixed signals like your LE. It’s OUR JOB as the limerent ones to set up the boundaries.
Definitely going no contact with him is best, whether it’s texting, social media — everything. You will have to forego the closure (this would drive me crazy too), but your own empowering boundaries will eventually bring you the emotional closure you seek. Especially since you both are married.
Hope this helps 😌
Twisted says
Hi Limerant nurse! Thank you for sharing your story. It definitely helps put things into perspective.
In my case, I am really hurt because of the way he has handled the situation. We have discussed so many personal details with each other, our families, hobbies, values and he has repeatedly encouraged me to be open and honest. So I felt safe and comfortable sharing my feelings with him. And now I feel ashamed and humiliated. I wish he had handled it more respectfully and shown me more grace.
During our last interaction in person, I told him I was sorry for being emotional but it was better to tell him how I felt instead of feeling hurt every time I saw him, and he said he was like Santa, he will get to everyone’s messages eventually 🤔. At that time, knowing his patterns, I believed that he would respond to my messages. But he never did. That’s the day he went completely NC. I think opening up to him was definitely a bad idea. It just made the relationship so sour!
But I see your perspective!! By not interacting with me, he is helping me out. Though it is hurtful now, it will help me stop my craziness immediately and help me with my recovery.
The lack of closure however is a hard one for me. Every single day I refine/rewrite that final message I want to send to him. It is so so tempting to say that one last goodbye but I don’t know if that will actually give me the closure I need or just more pain!! I don’t know if he will ignore me again which will start another guilt/pain cycle or say something to give me hope which will start the uncertainty/rumination cycle. Both are bad!! So I may have to forego the closure, which sucks….
Twisted says
Thank you Limerant Nurse.
For a phenomenon that is mostly in our head, the pain is real! I have not felt these kind of intense emotions in over 20 years. I feel like a silly teenager with her first crush. It’s so crazy to me!
Thank you for your support and kind words!
Twisted says
Thank you ABCD. Yes, I feel a great loss and it doesn’t feel great. His behavior has been pretty narcissistic from the beginning but I was happy to feed his ego as I wanted to be in his life but now it just hurts and it is so painful.
I have deleted my social media and I feel lighter already, but I’m not sure how I’ll feel as the day goes on, I cry mostly at night 😰
Limerent nurse says
Dear Twisted,
There’s no shame in crying and grieving, it’s all a part of the healing process. I am so glad you deleted your contact with him, I promise it does get easier but it may be a few days, weeks or even months (if you’re like me). Limerence is really painful, but at least you know what it is now, and it’s recoverable. 🌟
Adam says
Twisted
For all the others saying it will get better. It will. When people were telling me that when I first found this place it seemed so impossible to think I could have a clear head and a normal life. That was a year ago. My healing took so long because I could let go in reality but not in my head. NC and living purposely are great for the here and now in the reality of the world in front of you, but YOU have to CHOOSE to let go in mind as well. Limerence isn’t any different than any other addiction. You have to make that resolve to move on with your life and leave this in the past. Forgive yourself, be present with your current relationship and it will pass. I promise you that. Grieve how you need to and show yourself some grace. Wishing the best for your future.
Twisted says
Adam, thank you so much. You are right about this being an addiction which takes over your mind. I’m finding it so hard to function like a normal human being. My mind is so consumed with my LO all the damn time. It is so overwhelming!!
I really want these intrusive thoughts to stop. They are not even pleasant anymore. They are painful and I just want the hurt to stop.
I hope in time, and by living a purposely life, this too shall pass!
Speedwagon says
Hi Twisted, welcome!
I’m going to be a bit blunt. My take away from your write up is that this man is not interested in a relationship of any kind with you and you are harassing him at this point. He’s just using an avoidance tactic instead of telling you straight up.
I would walk away clean right now. Delete his texts, remove him from social media, and purge him from your life. Go complete NC if you can. Go focus on your family and your SO and start some introspection to figure out what led you into this and how can you now live purposefully.
Twisted says
Thank you Speedwagon.
Ouch, that is very blunt but very true.
I agree with you but I just don’t want to accept it. It’s my emotional brain trying to justify why I am right in this situation and how he should have responded to me in a certain “emotional” way. I am trying to protect my feelings here but I know it’s completely illogical!! I am nothing if not self aware but then I do crazy things for his attention.
I have deleted my social media and started on full NC today. I hope I can stay strong!
MJ says
I’m late to this but I agree with Speed here as well. I feel like when you sent that post with the expletive, he might have made that his cut off point with you. I don’t know.
No matter what, your situation doesn’t sound like it holds much promise. Cutting this off completely will help your psyche the best in my opinion. Do it for yourself and your marriage.
ABCD says
Hi MJ. Sorry to highjack your response, just wanted to ask how you are doing. Are you in a better frame of mind, having not seen LO during the holidays.
Twisted says
Thanks MJ.
I just wanted to clarify that LO wasn’t responding to any of my text messages 10 days prior to me sending that last message. And, that message was a play on words and supposed to be funny while relaying my apology. Maybe it did not land the way I was hoping in my head, but I’m not sure if the problem was the expletive word. LO was already giving me the silent treatment prior to me sending that, so I sent that message via social media as my last attempt to see if he would respond to me on an alternate platform.
But I agree with cutting this off completely. Thanks for your advice!
Mila says
I second Speedwagon.
In your mind it might look different, but I‘m pretty sure he feels stalked by you. I cannot see that he encouraged you in any way, he‘s the sports coach of your family and naturally he communicated in a friendly way. Once he realized that you wanted more, he tried keeping it at bay by responding less and hoping you‘d get the hint without him explicitly having to say „sorry, but I‘m not interested in any sort of closer relationship“.
He‘s got the right to choose his friendships and he doesn’t have an obligation to respond to your texts or posts if they exceed what he wants. You cannot hold him responsible for feeling hurt by his silence, because he never promised you anything or encouraged a more intimate communication.
I‘m sorry, I understand that you are hurt nevertheless, but it‘s not his problem.
That’s the hard thing about limerence: accepting responsibility for the pain instead of blaming LO.
In this case, I cannot see that he did anything wrong apart from trying to spare your feelings by not rejecting you openly instead of being more clear, but even more hurtful.
Twisted says
Wow Mila, that really struck a chord!
“I‘m pretty sure he feels stalked by you” – This hurts, but I can see the truth here. I know you are helping me see the writing on the wall, but I just don’t want to see it in that light. I feel so ashamed about my actions already and if this is how he sees me, I feel mortified!!
I do agree with your assessment though, I think I must have felt like a stalker trying to talk to him in person by booking 1:1 sessions with him and then staying on after those sessions to talk more. I was being selfish and not respectful of his time. And I really took it to the next level when I stayed back after a class to give him a Christmas present – this is when I truly crossed the line. That was my last contact with him after which he went fully NC.
So yeah, he doesn’t owe me anything. I think he has been polite for long enough, hoping I would get the message but I was just pushing the boundaries, hoping for more. I feel pretty disgusted with myself TBH but when limerence takes over, I have no control over my emotions or actions.
I keep saying that he should have handled it differently but I don’t know what he could have said or done that would have helped me move on. Maybe ignoring me is the best way!
Mila says
I think I would either just shut it all down, delete every contact and just write it down as a hard lesson, or I would compose a last message that doesn’t blame him in any way, takes responsibility for your actions and pain , isn’t too emotional and just an apology and goodbye.
This message has to be satisfying for you without expecting any response. If you expect a reaction of any sort, don’t write. If you write, it has to be only for your sense of closure.
I‘m sorry to be so blunt, I know how much it hurts.
Twisted says
Thanks Mila. Yeah, I do have a draft message about taking accountability for my actions, saying sorry for causing hurt or anger, thanking him for sharing his life with me and wishing him the best. But I’m not sure if I should send it. Since he has ignored my messages, posts and DM’s for about 2 weeks now, I feel a little stupid sending another message, just to be ignored again. Also, I am trying to claim my power back. I don’t want him to have any more power over me. It’s really hard, but I’m hanging in there.
Imho says
Hi Twisted Sister 😀, you are in high limerence and it makes you do silly stupid strange things. You recognise it, you are figuring it out and making so much quick progress. Be proud of that. The LwL folks here have given such great support and advice as always.
My personal view is I would consider deleting the last message you sent him, and shared here, as you said he hasn’t read or reacted to it. Ok so maybe he already saw the message on his preview and decided not to open it, but deleting it would actually maybe be the parting words you want to give him. Deleting the message in itself says sorry, the words used were maybe ill chosen and regretful and in itself deleting it also says goodbye, if that makes sense. You are leaving on your terms. Less is more sometimes. It’s up to you if you feel you should construct a short goodbye/sorry text but I would say maybe not. If you do, don’t do it late at night after a glass or two, Ha ha ! Best wishes
Twisted says
Haha…thank you Imho. I needed that laugh today 😉
I have actually deactivated my entire account, so I can’t really go back in and delete just that message but maybe I should have before I deactivated it.
You are right about him possibly having seen my message in a notification but I can’t be sure of that because he usually has notifications turned off and says he only accesses his phone 3 times a day. So I’m not sure how he is resisting the temptation of not opening a message glaring at him for 2 days unless he deleted it without opening.
Why do you think the words chosen in the message were ill chosen? I’d like your insight on it.
I agree that sending a goodbye text, though pretty tempting, is probably not a good idea. I do not want to give him any more power over me. I don’t enjoy the feeling of waiting to receive a message back, and in this case, and I may never receive one back. So it will not give me the closure I need. Maybe a glass or two is what I really need 😂
Limerent nurse says
Way to go, Twisted! 👏
Twisted says
Thank you Limerant nurse 😂
Imho says
You see Twisted, you are way ahead of me. You deactivated and you are now empowered and making big strides forwards. No need to look back and review messages etc. best wishes in the next phase of self reflection and self care. Keep busy, engage with people and activities, and the resources on LwL and elsewhere. The intrusive thoughts are the worst thing, I know. It will get better.
Twisted says
Thank you Imho. Appreciate it!
Limerent nurse says
Hi Twisted,
Some of us have personalities that really like closure — mine for instance — INFJ. I learned from my counterparts, ENFPs, that closure isn’t a priority for them. So it’s probably a personality thing.
Either way, I think it’s best in your case to leave it as is, and have as minimal contact as you can with the coach. Of course, don’t be mean or rude or ignore him if he has to talk to you about your kid, but if you put up boundaries that it’s only “coach talk” and nothing else, I think it will help you get over your limerence for him with time.
Twisted says
Dear Limerant nurse. Wow, what do you know! My personality type is INFJ too. It says online that INFJs need closure to make things clear and need to be able to express their feelings before moving forward. Without this they can feel like they are still strongly connected to that person and will struggle to completely move on from what happened between them. Oh Why???
I know I need to let go, but I’m dreading that social aspect of how to behave when I eventually see him in person. I don’t want it to be awkward, I hope I can act normal 🤪
Lovisa says
Welcome Twisted!
The LwL community provided lots of great advice. I want to share a resource with you because you mentioned “painful intrusive thoughts.” The intrusive thoughts are the worst. I’m sorry you are in that phase. I went through it… hmmm… I think it’s been about two years since it ended. The following video helped me understand why I couldn’t get my LO2 out of my head.
How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts
by Mark Freeman
https://youtu.be/laeYq51SYA0
I have to say that you are already making progress in a very short time. I see more accountability in subsequent posts than I saw in your first post. I’m proud of you.
Can I recommend that you leave him alone and talk to us instead?
You will get through this. Hang in there!
Adam says
And Miss Lovisa knows. She’s the light of LwL. If you take advice from anyone take it from her, not a cynical old man like. Or L.E. he knows too. Two veteran limerents. And Limmy if she’d post here again. 🙁
Twisted says
Thanks Adam, I’ll keep that in mind ☺️
MJ says
No advice from that crusty MJ guy either.
He ain’t worth 2 dead flies..
Lovisa says
That is sweet, Adam, thank you.
MJ, you advised exactly what I was thinking, too. You echoed Speedwagon and you addressed the text that contained foul language which were two important things to address. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Lovisa says
lol, “two dead flies”. Try two vile cats instead, lol.
Twisted says
Hi Lovisa,
Thanks for that video – it is so helpful to understand how we are feeding these intrusive thoughts by our own actions. All it takes is brain training!! Sounds easy, but we all know it isn’t. The hard part is untraining our brain, and that will take some self control and resolve. I hope I can make it!
Though this is my first post, I’ve been reading the resources on this website for over 4 months, and also trying to go NC with LO for the same amount of time. Each time I lasted for 7-10 days and then made contact again. Social media has not been my friend, I have been fighting lots of inner battles comparing myself to other people whose posts he was liking online. So just cutting that out will hopefully help me heal faster.
Everyone here has been so supportive and kind, and I appreciate it!
Nisor says
Hello Twisted,
Indeed you’re doing a lot of progress in such a short while. Forget about closure, it will add more questions than answers you’re looking for. Dr. L has blogs on closure and he doesn’t recommend it. Find the blogs on closure from Dr. L, he knows best.
As for that last message, DONT DO IT! It will aggravate the situation more than it is now, just let go of that temptation. Think of your self esteem, your dignity, your morals, reputation, etc. is this guy worth it? He’s cruel and hurt you, don’t you ever forget that. Don’t try to look for excuses to be friendly again with him. One thing, do you still want him for your children’s coach? That is, do you still have to have contact with him in the future? Be prepared and behave like a real princess, a real lady, not taking crumbs from anybody. You deserve better. Lift up your chin and be proud of yourself. Forgive yourself for this slip and move on. All limerents do silly and stupid things, it’s the hormones … we all understand that phase of limerence. But you’ll get over it, NC , it’s awfully painful but there’s no other solution. Check with the LwL community whenever you feel you need to. We’re here to help each other out. We’ve been there, or still struggling with it, but we support one another and that makes the ordeal easier. Stay put and have some compassion on yourself . Don’t be hard on yourself, please.
Have a good pleasant day.
Lovisa says
Twisted, you are doing great, but it will be hard for a while. We will walk this journey with you.
Nisor is trying to help you with a method that is popular among recovering limerents: villainizing the LO. It might be the path you choose to follow. I chose not to villainize my LO. I also gave up on NC because it stressed me out too much. (I think NC is important for you because you have crossed social boundaries with your LO.). Anyway, I used transference to get out of the intrusive thoughts phase. When I transferred my limerence to LO3, I made a conscious effort not to daydream about him. I took up a new hobby: distance running. I’m obsessed with running now and I can think about it quite happily all day long instead of thinking about an LO. Here is a summary of my experience, my limerence started in October of 2021, I transferred starting in March of 2022 and was completely transferred within a few weeks. I had some emotional ups and downs with my LO3, but it’s been mostly manageable. Here we are, two years later and I am friends with both men. I didn’t cross any socially unacceptable boundaries with my LOs. If I had, I would have cut contact with them. My SO knows about my limerence, my LO2 and our mutual friend know about it. My LO3 just thinks he and I have mutual attraction that we will never act on because neither of us want to hurt our families. Everyone respects boundaries which is why this works. I frequently remind myself to “Do the right thing no matter how you feel.” I encourage you to do the right things, too.
Don’t underestimate the value of this website and community. Please talk to us when you need some extra strength. Please read the articles. I want you to read the article about mood regulation so I will link it for you.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/using-limerence-for-mood-regulation/
You got this! You are brave and you can do hard things. I believe in you, Twisted.
Twisted says
Thank you again Nisor for being so kind, understanding and supportive with your comments. It really helps me stay firm and not send that final text, which I very much want to send today. I just want to wrap it in a nice little bow and ship it!! But I know I shouldn’t.
I’ve read Dr. L’s article on closure, in fact it’s one of my favorites – Closure is an illusion! It is so true, but why does my heart seek it? Why do I think that it will help me move on?
Being the sports coach, yes, LO will still be part of my kids lives but I don’t have to see him everyday, only when kids have competitions. So that is something I’m worried about. Will it be odd to see him if I’ve not sent that final apology text? How should I behave? Should I just avoid and ignore him or should I acknowledge him? I am generally a social person, so how do I tackle this encounter?
Twisted says
Thank you for your support Lovisa, and for sharing your experience.
I am not necessarily villainizing my LO, but he is not innocent in all of this. He led me on and gave me mixed messages all along. He could have stopped anytime, but he kept sharing more intimate details with me and this made me feel like I know him really well. It just kept feeding my limerence. So I want some accountability, but I know I’m in no position to ask for it!
May I ask how your limerence works? Do you just disclose your feelings to LO and not do anything about it? How do you manage to have limerence, tell your SO and not cross any socially unacceptable boundaries? I’m curious!
“Do the right thing no matter how you feel.” – I like this advice, thanks, and also the article on mood regulation. It is so true how we use our LO to forget about all other issues!
I hope I can continue to stay strong!
Imho says
Hi Twisted, I just want to comment that Lovisa gives great advice and support here as always. However, her individual situation is just that, pretty unique and can I say rare, based on all other limerence stories I have read over the last 6 months. It is by no means a blueprint for dealing with limerence. Disclosing to your SO and transferring limerence to a new LO is an outlier action that worked for Lovisa but is NOT a typical solution AT ALL. I hope others on LwL support me on this. It’s a very high risk strategy in case you are considering it. I know Lovisa is not recommending it to you and is saying NC is best, but I just want to make this clear, when you are being given all this new information on a phenomenon you are suddenly experiencing. Dr Ls advice and many blogs are sound and consistent. All the best.
Lovisa says
I will try to answer your questions, Twisted. I fell into limerence with a friend of more than 20 years. He was having struggles in his marriage and he wondered if his wife’s lack of libido was due to his lack of desirability. I said that he is desirable. Both of us kind of freaked out and quit talking to each other. I got intrusive thoughts and was quite miserable for a few months. LO2, a mutual friend and I worked through our awkward situation together, but I had to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. I tried every method for recovery that I could find on LwL and they just weren’t working. I decided to do the unthinkable and transfer my limerence. I thought I could transfer, avoid limerent daydreams and then cut contact with my new LO. I thought all of it would stay in my head and it wouldn’t affect anyone else. I made a list of possible LOs. One of them stood out. I leaned into our budding relationship and within a few weeks the intrusive thoughts were gone. I wasn’t ready to let go of limerence as a mood regulator yet (it had pulled me out of a depression) so I continued in my relationship with my LO3. Unfortunately, something happened that I did not anticipate: he disclosed to me. I was like, “What?!? No!!!!” The two of us decided to continue in our friendship as long as no social boundaries were crossed. We have not crossed boundaries. Our conversations are appropriate. I never see him unless my SO knows about it. My SO could read our texts and I don’t think he would feel concerned. As far as disclosure to my SO goes, I was leaking limerent symptoms so he asked me directly what was going on. My SO downloaded the guide for spouses of limerents, too. He has been in the comments section of LwL and he was able to figure out my Alias. He says he doesn’t read the comments on LwL and I just have to trust his word. I asked him to please let me have this community to myself so that I don’t have to walk this journey alone. My LO2, our mutual friend and I talked about my limerence without using the word. I described the symptoms. They were very kind and compassionate. Sometimes they ask follow up questions, but it’s mostly in the past.
It’s probably important to share that my limerent daydreams were not sexual. They were just pleasant exchanges with my LO. Then, when LO2 and I went NC, my mind kept bringing him up and it was painful. That is why I came to LwL initially. I thought I was going crazy.
I hope that helps.
Nisor says
Hi Hmho, happy new year to you and all the best always!
I agree with you that transferring limerence is not appealing in the sense it’s just changing one LO for another, meaning you continue with the same situation of engagement on something that should be done away with all together to avoid so much affliction and suffering. Why complicate your life with more “attachments “ when you can conquer limerence and be free? Freedom of this plague is the goal!!! And going No contact is the solution. Transferring is sort of REBOUND!!!
Dr. L blogs are constantly stressing NC and purpose living; he has watched as to how all of us function through the years, our weakness, and stubbornness to do differently only to come back to what he has so wisely stated in his blogs.
This is not a game with emotional rollercoasters, we all want to avoid it and be free! Freedom is the goal and broadening our horizons!
Stay strong 💪🏽 hugs.
Imho says
Thanks Nisor, I like my new name of Hmho, it kinda sums things up hmmm ho !! Ha ha. Glad you support my perspective to Twisted with additional wise words. I hope Twisted and Silly Rabbit are doing well after their encounters with physical trainers/coaches. My LO could easily be a PT, so I get the attraction and I’m sure pheremones in the sweat of a compatible man is a trigger too. That’s a whole other post!
Imho says
…to finish the point I badly made, is that when we are in close proximity of a man sweating eg a PT, or a builder hard at work etc you are more likely to get a bigger hit of pheremones from them that females unconsciously respond to or not depending on compatibility to our genetic make-up. They are also more likely to be fit and physically stronger too of course which is of course attractive too ( but not to all ) . I will stop there!
Twisted says
Thank you Imho. I wasn’t considering transference at all. I was just curious to understand how limerence works for Lovisa. For most of us, it is very much an addiction/fixation to one person and it is very hard to let go unless you go NC. I agree with your assessment and Dr. L’s advice. For me, the best solution is NC, however hard it may seem!
Twisted says
Thank you for sharing Lovisa. It sounds like you are very open and honest with your LO and SO, which is great! I’m still not sure how you keep intrusive thoughts at bay and can be friends with someone you are limerent for because the uncertainty and rumination is what makes us limerent. I do want to applaud your SO though for his trust and understanding, and for not intruding on LwL. This is definitely a great community for all of us crazies!!
Twisted says
Dear Nisor, thank you as always for your wise words. I agree, freedom is the end goal but why do I enjoy living in the land of uncertainty? It is a drug that gives me weird pleasure, and then sharp pain. It is just so toxic but I feel a deep sadness to let it go.
I know what’s good for me, and thanks to this community, I am slowly but surely making good choices. The last two days have been hard, I just feel so empty 🥹😭
Twisted says
Haha….thanks again Imho for bringing in the laughs with the pheromones!! I must say, my attraction to LO is not entirely based on physical appearance (though that doesn’t hurt either). It is actually based on an emotional connection I formed with him when we started texting each other. It is knowing more about his life, his family, his goals, and the things we have in common with each other. It is not really sexual for me, and that’s why it hurts so much. It’s like you have found your soul mate but you are not allowed to be together. It really sucks!
Twisted says
Update to my previous post:
My LO finally responded to my DM, ignored my weirdly worded apology and said that the previous post (”Don’t be part of the problem. Be the whole problem.”) was his life motto. Now, I don’t know if he meant to ignore my apology or he did it on purpose, but I really wanted him to know that I was sorry, so that I could move on. I had to get this weight off my chest. So after a day of pondering, against my better judgement, I messaged him back (I know, I’m sorry LwL community 😭).
My message was basically about taking accountability for my actions, not assigning any blame, saying sorry for causing hurt or anger, asking him to forgive me for being emotional (instead of logical) and thanking him for sharing his life with me. I did not explicitly say goodbye but I ended with “I truly am sorry!” I was not expecting any response from him because I did this for my own closure, and I was happy with the way I expressed myself. However, he responded to my message saying “It’s all good! Sometimes I feel like a life-coach in addition to being a sports coach 😂.”
Now I do not know what to make of his message. I’m not sure if he has forgiven me or he is making light of the situation. I’m not sure if I should like his message or just ignore it. I’m not sure if I need to respond again or just walk away? If I ignore him, is it rude? Would I ignore a normal person who I wasn’t limerent for? Aaaahhhh, my brain hurts 😓!!!
ABCD says
Hi Twisted. I can understand, you are trying to think and analyse the situation. I have been guilty of analysis (over analysis if I may say so) with LO matters. It is good that you sent the message to LO seeking closure. Do not worry about sending the other message, sometimes it hard to not contact LO. In any case, you let him know how you feel, so that should be a weight off your back.
The response that you received seems to indicate that he is not that emotional about your interactions. He may even be making light of the situation. Either way, it may be a good idea to avoid the messaging for now, as it seems to be causing you a lot of distress, and so is not worth it. Good luck, you can do it!!
Twisted says
Hi ABCD, yes the response is so unemotional and doesn’t acknowledge anything I wrote to him about. He used to be much more open in the past, but once I shared my emotions with him, he has taken a lot of steps back. I understand, but it still hurts. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong after I message him.
I don’t want to write back to him or acknowledge him but I don’t want to be rude either. In my mind I feel like I don’t want to be rude like him, he does not message me at all or he messages me back after 2-4 days and that does not feel good. I want to be a better person than him.
Maybe these are just games my mind is playing with me to keep me in the limerence cycle? Do you think it is rude to just not say anything to his funny message?
Speedwagon says
“In my mind I feel like I don’t want to be rude like him, he does not message me at all or he messages me back after 2-4 days and that does not feel good. I want to be a better person than him.”
Sorry Twisted…more tough love! Here is the sentence you wrote that says everything to me. In your altered mind he is being rude and is not a good person because you have projected emotional and relational expectations on to him to meet your own needs. And since he is not meeting your needs he is now rude and needs to be a better person.
This is a classic limerent move. In reality, he is not being rude at all, he is just trying to keep appropriate distance, and diffuse the intensity of your messages by giving time before replies and relying light hearted. If I read between the lines, he wants you to stop.
Please just stop messaging this man and start focusing on your own SO and family. That is the only way to move beyond this.
Twisted says
Hi Speedwagon, thank you for your insight. I can see now how my expectations weren’t realistic. You are right! I was projecting.
I’m not sure what it is (guess it’s my limerence 🤪), but all sane logic is wiped out of my brain when it comes to my LO. My brain provides justification that it is ok for me to send that one last message, that I will feel better if I just put it out there, that somehow LO will understand me better or have more compassion towards me. But I can see how it looks to the outside world. It looks like I am being selfish and just trying to feed my limerence. Don’t you think this impluse is normal for most limerents?
Also, in my situation, I need to let go because there is no reciprocation, and because this whole infatuation thing is wrong, but isn’t this the classic case for most limerents? Isn’t the lack of reciprocation, and the uncertainty associated with that, that drives the limerence?
Mila says
Hi Twisted,
I’d say he’s making light of the situation, but to make you feel better and get your interaction back on a normal level.
He obviously doesn’t reciprocate but doesn’t want any hard feelings between you.
I would like his message and leave it at that, being nice and polite in further interactions, but not talking about personal stuff any more.
Twisted says
Hi Mila,
Yes, I agree. He is totally trying to ignore my emotional message and turn the conversation into something light hearted, so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge my feelings. He is a nice person and he has a tough job, but it is so hurtful when he shows zero compassion or emotion towards me. It is not easy to be vulnerable, but I’m really trying here.
I am so tempted to write back “So as a life coach, what would you recommend I do?” Haha 😂 And that is exactly how playful we used to be with our messages until I decided to share my feelings. Now, I’m not sure what he’d say!!!
I want things to be normal between us too, but I’m not sure how I’ll get there or what normal would look like for us 🤪
Mila says
„He is a nice person and he has a tough job, but it is so hurtful when he shows zero compassion or emotion towards me“
But what would you like him to say?
It could be that he is being compassionate in his own way, he‘s trying to give you a way out in dignity. Maybe he thinks that if he writes „I‘m sorry you feel bad, I’m sorry that I can’t reciprocate your feelings but that’s how it is“ you‘ll feel even worse and humiliate me and that’s why he puts a light touch on it so that you can feel more equal?
I admit that his phrase about being a life coach is a bit insensitive. But I think maybe he genuinely didn’t get how serious it was for you.
Do you really want to drive home how serious it was? I don’t think it would help you. I think you should take his offered way out.
I‘ll be blunt und hurtful once again:
I think he‘s just not that interested, and I think you should stop expecting things (reactions, emotions) from him.
He won’t deliver them.
Don’t be dependent on this person who doesn’t want to be that big part of your life (and it’s his right not to want that!)
Don’t waste your precious time and life here!
Mila says
*humiliated, not humiliate me
Twisted says
Tough love Mila, tough love 😭
Mila says
Twisted,
I know, I know, I‘m sorry 😢 I just think, it’s hard for friends and people in your life to say these kind of tough truths, but being a stranger, I can do it, and I really think you should move on from
this guy.
Imho says
Twisted, just to give another vote that both ABCD and Mila give good advice. Please re-read their responses. My view is either dont reply or just like his last message (which by the way is not inviting any reply), then that is it closure. step away. Appreciate your mind and feelings are all over the place right now, but
I think he’s made it clear that there is no “us”.
Initiating a reply will make you look somewhat pathetic – sorry that’s very harsh.
you are better than that. You are dignified. Maybe you have a trusted friend you could maybe turn to, to help distract and soothe.
Nisor says
Hi Twisted,
I’m beginning to think that your situation with LO is really “twisted.” haha.
It seems you’re very confused of what is right and what’s wrong and you’re creating uncertainty where there’s none. The “certain thing” is that he answered your text politely without hurting you, he feels that’s all he has to do and not more. He’s certain of his feelings not being the same as yours.So, leave it at that and ACCEPT reality. He’s not interested, period.
I know limerence is like a drug and you like the highs but detest the lows, that’s why it’s called “person addiction”, it’s toxic and makes one behave like a drug addict. And the more closure you try to achieve the more complicated the situation will get, with no ending in sight. It will leave a sadness and emptiness hard to cope with, your logic fighting the unreasonable when you let go. But as it is that’s exactly what’s reasonable to do, to LET GO! Never mind if it sounds rude, it’s your well being against your manners. If I were you, I would leave it at that. No more texts. And try to control your impulses, you’ll regret it later if he disassociates completely in a bad manner. Accepting the reality of facts is important for you now, it will help you with the NC rule and your desire to fix an unfixable situation. No more texting. It stings, we all know that…oh, don’t we know!
Calm yourself down now and if you need to cry, do so, it alleviates the pain and anxiety. Take deep breaths, hold and exhale and repeat often. Blessings ❤️
Twisted says
Point taken. Thank you all!
Nisor says
Twisted,
I think you can like his message, but that’s all. No more “fixing” it.
Good luck.
Twisted says
Thank you Nisor, I know I seem disillusioned right now but I hear you and understand what’s right for me. It is just hard to let go! I’ve been in this trance for months, trying to hold on to that sweet feeling I felt a long time ago, but no matter what I’ve tried, I can’t seem to get it back. Over time, I made things worse by overstepping boundaries and trying too hard. I regret all my actions but I was just an addict trying to get yet another hit.
I see now that the first step to recovery is acceptance, acceptance that this is not real, it is all in my head; acceptance that this is what I feel, not what he feels; acceptance that I cannot fix this, closure is just an illusion; acceptance that the only way forward is walking away, no matter how hard it may seem.
I will try my best to do the right thing and not be so “twisted” 😂! Thank you for always being so supportive and kind ❤️.
Silly Rabbit says
Hello Twisted,
As a fellow limerent with their sport coach, I get what you said about that closeness you felt when sharing personal details. Reading the comments and advice on this blog really helped me. First, to understand that falling for the coach is really cliche and nothing special and how it was more about me and those feelings you felt “as a teenager” I also felt those. It was so beautiful and in a way I’m glad I felt like that even for a little while. But then the pain hits.
I commend you for going NC and to have the guts and courage to do it. You are well in path to healing. Well done!
Lovisa says
Hi Silly Rabbit, I haven’t seen you in a while. How are you doing?
Silly Rabbit says
Hi Lovisa!
I think I am doing better than before. My plan of getting to know my LO more and to wean off of him seems to be working. I realise how far he is from what I want from my life and ambitions whilst we still have our long workouts plus coffee time. I just like to spend time with a hot guy. That is my self assessment. All was going well until two things happened: he sent me a request to do another one of our naughty calls and I said no, we are friends now. Well done me and although I really wanted it, I was good. Second, he wrote me a nice Christmas card including a quiz for my daughter. I found this upsetting, why would he do that? he didn’t need to do that. I was surprised he managed to think of interesting questions and there were no grammatical mistakes (that’s how lowly I think of his intelligence, I realised) This draw me back a couple of steps and I started daydreaming again. This past week we didn’t do coffee chat and I suffered a bit. Also the session was fully professional and no chit chat. I realise how if this had been the case all along, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I am the leanest and strongest I have every been and people are commenting about it. I’m loving how well I feel and how good I look but only I know that this is the result of this delusion.
Thanks a lot for posting that link for dealing with intrusive thoughts! I definitely need help with those. I normally tell myself off and try to distract myself. Not that it works all the time 🙁
Lovisa says
Nice work, Silly Rabbit!
Twisted says
Thank you Silly Rabbit. I’m so glad you can relate to me and the feelings I’m going through. Sports coach, definitely a cliche 😂 but the feelings were real, and it did feel good. I’m sad that it’s over, but it hurt so much in the end. I just hate that it ended on a sour note.
I would love to hear more about your experience. Do you have a link to the blog comments where I can read about your story?
Thanks again, for your kind words!
Silly Rabbit says
Hi Twisted,
Here is a link where I shared my story and all the great advise I received. I was properly affected by the whole situation back then 🙁
https://livingwithlimerence.com/case-study-why-is-limerence-so-painful/
Twisted says
Thank you Silly Rabbit. I hope you are doing better now!
It’s funny, I started getting into fitness because of my sports coach too, not that I was training with him but I wanted to look good for him. I started running, boxing and weight training, all of which helped me look and feel better and give myself more self confidence. It’s strange how this delusion self motivates you 😂, just wish it wasn’t so toxic!!
Adam says
I think the one thing that made it so difficult to finally detach and go in the right direction was understanding that SHE is human. In our limerence we tend to put them on such a high pedestal that we forget that they are more in touch with reality than we are. And perhaps even understand ourselves more than we do. So we have expectations of their interactions (or lack thereof) with us. SHE maintains no contact with me either for my own good or she just hasn’t given me a second thought. Hard pill to swallow but one I had to. Because for most of us there is someone else that has shown a much greater love than limerence can ever give us. Remember that person. Kiss her goodbye this morning. Make a really bad innuendo about tonight when you get home. Remember she won’t wait around forever. And she deserves better.
Silly Rabbit says
Oh Adam, how truthful this is “Because for most of us there is someone else that has shown a much greater love than limerence can ever give us.”
Twisted says
So true Adam. I haven’t been myself with my SO for a few months now, and he keeps checking in on me and asking me if I still love him. He gives me the space I need and is so understanding, always telling me he loves me. I wish I could reciprocate his feelings, but I’m not mentally there yet!
This is a good reminder that there is a greater love out there, the one that is patient, kind, selfless and caring ❤️.
Adam says
” I wish I could reciprocate his feelings, but I’m not mentally there yet!”
Twisted you will get there. On new year’s eve my wife shared some intimacy with me. She took that step herself. She didn’t have to and has every right to be apprehensive to be intimate with not knowing what was on my mind. At one point I fell of the bed (we were not in our own bed) and we both had a good laugh. Started laughing about past bedroom mishaps. And then woke me up again on Tuesday morning. I was only 10 minutes late to work that morning.
Limerence (whether disclosed or not) is definitely hard on a marriage. And it seems, like with my dear wife, your husband is patiently waiting. I am sure he is wanting the wonderful wife he loves back. When you feel you are mentally there you will know what to do. And I am sure he will be there for you and glad to have you back again.
Twisted says
That is so sweet Adam. I’m glad you had a good laugh, I feel that’s essential to keep the spark alive.
I have not disclosed to my SO, but guess what happened today? My SO sat me down and asked me point blank if something was going on between LO and I. He said I’ve been acting weird for the past month and he recently caught on to a habit I changed regarding LO. Anyways, I lied to his face!! I couldn’t disclose, especially not now, when I’m ready to start NC with LO and try to make it work with SO. I feel guilty that I lied, because I don’t like people lying to me. It is very hypocritical of me, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage 🥺😭
Adam says
“My SO sat me down and asked me point blank if something was going on between LO and I.”
My wife suspected from my behavior that something was up with me and her too. I many times played down whatever my wife confronted me with. She was suspicious that there was an affair going on between us. Which was a big contention between us that was really tearing us apart. I didn’t know what I was feeling wasn’t actual love or infatuation, but I swore to her I wasn’t having an affair.
So when I found out about limerence a year ago, here, I was ready to disclose to my wife. I knew if I tried to weather this limerence alone with all the other skeletons coming out of the closet that I would never get over it. I needed to have someone to make me own up to what I said and did. Someone that was NOT in an altered state of mind. I needed a guide.
However you handle it, if you want to emerge from this, I know you can do it. But you have to want to. And even when you feel you have “made it through the rain” there are still dark clouds that you have to face everyday so that you don’t fall back in. Because those intrusive thoughts can come back. Last time I had one I said to myself “no I don’t want to dwell on her. she doesn’t think about me!” It worked. My mind centered back on what I was doing. Seems like good progress to me.
Wishing you the best in your journey Twisted.
Twisted says
Thanks Adam. That sounds like really good progress. It looks like you have trained your brain to associate LO with someone that is not good for you. I remember reading one of Dr. L’s articles where he asks us to channel our feelings into de-idealisation of LO which can help us realize that LO isn’t this hugely desirable person, and that being around LO makes us feel bad. I may have to train my brain to do that too, especially when those dark clouds come around 😶🌫️
Silly Rabbit says
Hi Twisted,
I also think you will get there. You just have to mend your heart after the disillusion that your LO caused.
I feel bad that I used my SO to get that intimacy I so much craved from my LO and in a way I felt less guilty as I wasn’t really cheating on him. But mentally I was wishing I was with my LO. My partner is very considerate and although he has his faults, for a period of time I was being very harsh about them: he doesn’t look after himself like “X” does, he doesn’t get nice clothes, he doesn’t look at me as a desirable woman, etc., etc. After reading you and Adam I wonder why did we even stray in our heads, when we have loving partners at home.
After reading lots of input there is definitely a biological component for me plus the bad timing of being teased by my LO.
Twisted says
Thank you Silly Rabbit. I think I fell into limerence because of a couple of reasons. One, my SO had a different addiction which he disclosed to me a couple of years ago, and I was basically angry with him all of last year, so we were not intimate. Two, I think mid life crisis suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks last year. I felt the need to look good to attract male attention. So it was the perfect storm when I started innocently flirting with my LO during an out of state competition. I had never felt such euphoria in over 20 years. It was my first time experiencing limerence, and hopefully it will be my last!!
ABCD says
Hi Twisted. Sorry, could see the reply link to your response, so I am typing here. You are very right that our mind plays games with us with regards to all things LO.
As others have mentioned, perhaps you can just like his last text, and leave it at that. As I and others have experienced, social media can be a big barrier to your recovery, so you need to exercise lot of caution with it.
It will he hard in the beginning, but you will feel better!
Twisted says
Thank you ABCD. Yes, I feel social media really elevated my limerence. It made me feel anxious, jealous, worthless, lonely, and unappreciated. It is a crazy beast! My best bet for recovery is to stay away from it. I’m hanging in there 🤞
Silly Rabbit says
Hi Twisted,
I personally think you did well by not disclosing to your SO. When I confided in a friend about my LO she strongly suggested not to disclose to my SO specially if I was determined make it work with him and to eventually go NC with my LO. Seems like you are already there and you don’t want to take steps back by going into detail with your SO about what you did or did not do.
I do, however, recommend that you talk in person to someone about this whole limerence episode. I found it extremely liberating and she gave me some great advice regarding removing the focus from my LO and focus about what was happening to me internally. I am also in a kind of middle life crisis and what is surprising to me is that I read it in this blog first. Biological changes happening in my body made it predisposed to seeing something that wasn’t there and to open my eyes about something that had at some point, taken over my life! I could just not thing about anything else but that person. I was obsessed!
I have read lots of information about perimenopause and menopause but unfortunately this topic was not present at all. I think it should be.
Nisor says
Silly Rabbit and Twisted hi,
I’m proud of you both on reasonably handling these messy situations when the mind is foggy and the chips are down. It’s good you didn’t disclose to SOs . If you can handle it by yourselves and go NC, no need to cause pain to Sos , there’d be distrust and suspicion after you disclose. It’s not the same when a man cheats than when a woman cheats, the men have the upper hand but women are looked down when they cheat. That’s society rules in some countries… not fair but truth is what it is. It’s like a tacit agreement they invented…
You both be good now and stay strong and decisive. Best wishes. Hugs.
Twisted says
Hi Silly Rabbit, I can resonate with so much of what you are saying. I agree that this intense need for emotional connection is biological. It’s funny how common limerence is at this age but no one talks about it. I didn’t hear about the term “limerence” until 4 months ago, but I’m so glad I found Dr. L’s articles and this community. I’d be so lost without it!
Thanks for your vote on not disclosing to SO. Your suggestion to talk to someone couldn’t have come at a better time. I have booked to talk to a therapist tomorrow. In fact my SO suggested I talk to someone. He has seen me crying (I call it “allergies” 😂) around the house all of last month. So he knows something’s up. I don’t think he fully believes me, but I’m not going to disclose.
Hoping to get some help this week 😇
Twisted says
Thank you Nisor. Your supportive words always make my day 🤗
Nisor says
Hi Twisted! Cheering for you, so great a move to talk to a therapist!
Good luck w that.
You seem to have a very nice and caring SO, he’s valuable to your life. I hope everything comes out okay and you two can be happy together. No more limerence!
Courage and strength for you!
Twisted says
Thanks Nisor. I’ll take that!
ABCD says
Thanks Twisted. It would be a good idea to try and not to check social media that often, and check it like 1-2 times a day. This would definitely help, trust me. Feel better!
Twisted says
Thanks ABCD, sounds like a plan!