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Living with Limerence

Life, love, and limerence

Limerence music

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Super-busy with the day job at the moment, so behind on blogging.

Whenever possible, I work with some background music. Often this needs to be classical (or at least lyric-free) but sometimes YouTube leads me to old-timey treasures that get me thinking  of life, love and limerence. Here are a couple of obviously limerence-inspired classics I’m currently tapping toes to:

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hello! Just wanted to say that I came across your site a couple of days ago and have read every post. The info here is so spot on and I’m very grateful that someone has taken the time to articulate this so well, so thank you!! I’ve been limerent since oh, age 5 or 6 (it started with Disney princesses), so about 25 years now. I didn’t realize I was experiencing limerence until last week when I came across the Wikipedia article. I also have OCD which manifests for me as mainly the pure obsessional type, so it’s interesting to see the many parallels with OCD and limerence (how uncertainty drives both and the intrusive thoughts aspect). My OCD seems to have intensified my limerence into an almost minute by minute intrusion where I “sense” that my LO of the moment is observing and judging my behaviors, mannerisms, ect. It’s almost like I’m recreating the feeling of the times that I’m actually in her presence experiencing the rush of her gaze on me. Sometimes I adjust myself until I feel like I’m presenting myself “just right.” It’s like my consciously directed fantasies have become automatic intrusive thoughts where now my LO is always with me (thanks alot brain). I of course don’t actually see her (I’m not psychotic) but it’s super frustrating and causes me a lot of anxiety/shame. I’m hoping to apply some of my OCD recovery skills to this to see what happens. If you have any thoughts or insight into this phenomenon I’d really appreciate any feedback. I wonder if “normal” (non-OCD people) experience this element of limerence or if it’s just my idiosyncratic form. Thanks again!

    • Thanks for the comment C! You’ve done me the honour of being the first to comment on my quiet corner of the web.

      Re. OCD – I think you are right, there are many interesting parallels. Especially the intrusive thoughts that characterise limerence. Also the sense of the LO being “always with you” and conducting yourself as though they are somehow able to perceive what is happening to you moment by moment (that also happens to me). I can see the big overlap with OCD there too. I hope your recovery strategies work for both.

      Glad you have enjoyed the blog. It’s been on a rather long hiatus, but I have a backlog of ideas to get around to once work finally gives me a break!

      • Awesome! Thanks so much for the response. You are the first person that I’ve told that has been able to relate and has also experienced the “LO observing you” thing. I’d be interested to hear more about your experience with it if you are open to sharing. It’s super helpful and normalizing to know that I’m not the only one. I wonder if it’s a common symptom of limerence or something separate? I can’t seem to find any info on the web that really describes or explains my experience. Also, I just finished a great book that doesn’t directly reference limerence, but talks a lot about how uncertainty and adversity are necessary ingredients to desire and eroticism. The book is called Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. I know you mentioned her in one of your posts so I’m assuming you’ve read this already? If not I highly recommend!

  2. Hi C,
    The way you describe your experience sounds very similar to mine. Happily, I’ve got to the point now where I can sort of (affectionately) laugh at myself when I start acting as though LO was with me or observing me. It’s rarer for me nowadays (it was worse when I was younger), and I have reframed it into a opportunity for self improvement – reminding myself that this is actually all coming from within me and my overimaginative brain and that I can choose whether or not to indulge it. Besides, sometimes pretending that I’m trying to impress an imaginary person can result in me behaving better than I would otherwise!

  4. For me no lyric captures the unending, life and relationship ruining hell of limerence like this line from John Waite’s Missing You:
    “In your world I have no meaning and still I try to understand.”

    • I’ve always liked that song.

      I’ve had 6-7 dreams about the LO and the thing is, in none of them was I ever anything more to her than a superficial acquaintance. In 2 of them, I wasn’t even able to get her attention.

      When I was working through this with the therapist, she asked about what I wanted from all this. I told her I wanted to know what the LO really thought and felt about me., if anything.

      She asked, “And, what would you do with that knowledge if you had it?”

      • Good question! Although knowing could possibly help with resolving limerence one way or the other, the only important thing is what you want to do. It’s the purposeful living principle in action: decide what you want from your life, act accordingly, and accept that you can’t control (or even predict) other people’s behaviour. Also, in reality, it’s likely that you would get an ambiguous answer if you disclosed – many people (especially LO’s?) don’t really know what they feel or want, so they aren’t even necessarily being dishonest. Not sure if there’s any sensible way to respond to that knowledge…

        • I went to a sex ed class the other night about how to have ethical casual sex and the instructor brought up limerence and ways to manage it. He said that limerence is a natural endorphin high that happens (pair bonding) and that there are protocols to use to prevent it from taking over, esp if you know that the person you’re hooking up with is not available for anything more than casual (or that you aren’t wanting more than casual either). I liked how he said that when he finds himself becoming limerent he’ll notice what’s happening, message the person and say “hey so I’ve got these limerent feels but I can contain them and I know it’s my brain – just FYI since I just liked 14 of your fb posts lol. See you next month! So yeah the protocols are basically hook up only once a month, no sleepovers, and very little to no contact in between. I liked how non judgemental and accepting he was about how limerence is a natural phenomenon that we just have to be mindful of and decide how much we can and are willing to experience when the LO is not an ideal match. It helped me normalize my recent limerent episode and feel less weird about deleting her from all social media when she kept giving me ambiguous answers. If she ever asks why I deleted her I will just tell her the truth! I was crushing on her and it’s the boundaries I needed to manage my brain state lol. Anyways just wanted to share and hope that helps! The sex ed guys website is Reidaboutsex.com.

  5. Oh he also said that healthy limerence is when you don’t need a response from the lo or for them to feel the same way – you just accept the feelings and projections and roll with it and learn whatever it is it’s trying to teach you about your desires!

    • Sounds like an interesting class! I’ve never got to the point of thinking in terms of protocols, but it appeals to my analytical mind.

      I have to add though, that it seems like a pretty determined attempt to ensure that he never bonds with anyone… I’m all for managing limerence when it’s for an inappropriate partner, but I would probably adopt a simpler protocol: don’t have sex with people you definitely don’t want to bond with. Old school, I know.

  6. “Also, in reality, it’s likely that you would get an ambiguous answer if you disclosed – many people (especially LO’s?) don’t really know what they feel or want, so they aren’t even necessarily being dishonest. Not sure if there’s any sensible way to respond to that knowledge…”

    I did disclose. Instead of ending things, she came back with “I had no idea. I’m flattered and under different circumstances, I might even be curious. But, circumstances are what they are.” (i.e., I’m married)

    Instead of snuffing any hope, she opened the throttle. We went back and forth for awhile. In one exchange, I directly compared her to LO #1. She didn’t seem to like that much and cited it in her eventual goodbye.

    I think the implicit question behind the therapist’s question was if she said she felt the same way, would I be willing to destroy my marriage to pursue it. Since the answer was I wasn’t looking for trouble and wouldn’t destroy my marriage, I didn’t need to know that information since I didn’t intend to act on it.

    The more I learn the more limerence applies.

  9. Time-Life Records is proud to announce it’s new release, “Limerence!” In this 3 CD set, you’ll get the best songs covering the 3 phases of Limerence, the Glimmer, the Response, and Uncertainty. Order within the next 15 minutes, and we’ll include 2 bonus CDs covering Integrity, Rationalization, Relapse, and Infidelity. That’s 5CDs for only $39.95!

    You’ll get this timeless classic from 1958!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kipXyKxRW_E

    Shipping is free!

  10. For a serious subject, these Supremes tunes are pretty catchy!

    “Hey life, look at me
    I can see the reality
    ‘Cause when you shook me, took me, outta my world
    I woke up
    Suddenly I just woke up to the happening”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4IFtxQfLWg

    This one could be the anthem for serial limerents:

    “Keep falling in and out of love
    In search for what I’m dreaming of
    I long to find a love I’m sure about
    That certain kind of love that moves all doubts”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1oW-c9SbEQ

  12. Thinking about saying “Good-bye” to your LO? There’s music for that.

    Want one last dopamine hit first? For romantic reverie, I thought French was good but Italian is better. Try this one (Caution: This one is pretty narcy.):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1E_gOodTNss

    And this classic from the 60s (somewhat less narcy):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI2TxtEuQF4

    I thought about linking the last one in my response to LO #4s “Goodbye” but better judgment won out.

  13. I have just found this website and discovered limerence, it explains so much about my life, Im going through leaving my LO2 and most powerful LO.
    My favorite song of all time and relates to the times before you ever had an LO or at times when they are suppressed

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbUfDXrWgbs

  17. How could we have missed this one?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcATvu5f9vE

    I read an excerpt from “9-1/2 Weeks” back in the 70s. The book was a precursor to “50 Shades of Grey.” The subsequent movie was “bleahh” (unless you were into Kim Basinger, in which case you probably loved it) but it had a killer soundtrack. My favorite is this one:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwxcBaYJTok

    “The storm is breaking, so it seems,
    We’re too young to reason, too grown up to dream…”

    I was in the car with LO #2 one day. She was singing along with it but the words were a little off. I asked her what she was singing. She said, “Safe to love.” When I told her that wasn’t quite it, she just went, “Oh….”

  20. Mr. Lee remarked that he felt like he was going under. He said I was, “Good for me and the right choice.” In a flat tone on our 25th anniversary after I gave him a gift. I didn’t receive one in return. Not even a note or a card.

    Ouch. I feel like cod liver oil or something.

    • Does he realize how demeaning that was? On your 25th anniversary?

      LO #2 could be really demeaning at times and I was never able to determine if she was clueless, naive, or just flat out arrogant to the point she thought I’d just take it. Even though I never detected the faintest hint of malice or vindictiveness in her and I explained it to her, she didn’t change her behavior, I concluded it had to be the third one. Then, again, she’s the one who I have two professional opinions had a PD. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t live with it.

      Did you deck him? I think I would have had a tough time not unloading.

    • I didn’t deck him, but I did tell him that the door was wide open. I’m not a figure of pity, most particularly in my marriage.

      I’ve changed allocations on my life insurance, etc. though. He can go wine & dine other women on his salary. Now or in the future. Our adult kids can inherit my money.

      We’ll see. His self-pity has kicked into high gear but my interest is low.

      So, music in a minor key while I think about my options. Relationship calculus.

      • Agreed that these songs explicitly deal with long-lost loves, but with a slightly tweaked interpretation they really capture the experience of being overpowered by feelings you’d rather have left in the past, but nevertheless find irresistible.

        Thanks for the tunes, everyone!

    • Talking of Elton John…
      One evening – having had a particularly poignant conversation with LO at lunchtime – I sat down and randomly put a music channel on the TV.

      This was the song that was on:
      https://youtu.be/NrLkTZrPZA4

      • Probably should add that this occurred around 5 months ago. Hearing it on the radio whilst driving round working this evening reminded me of it!

        I haven’t broken my NC!

  27. The limerent’s dilemma:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRhp0fbIPLU

    It really only came into play once in my life. I made a choice and I still can see that woman standing in my living room with tears streaming down her cheeks and saying. “She’s (LO #2) using you.”

    My response to her was, “That’s a chance I have to take.” I don’t regret the decision but if I could get to do one thing over in my life, I would spare her the pain I caused her.

  30. I can’t find any music to go with this, but let your imagination go to work when thinking about the potential effects of limerence on yourself and those around you.

    “1969 August 20 CAMILLE. The strongest hurricane to hit the United States in modern meteorological times. After making landfall in Mississippi as a Category 5 on August 17, it weakened rapidly as it moved northward. Camille came back to life as it moved eastward into Virginia. On August 19, torrential rains lasting more than eight hours caused flash floods and mudslides along the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Early on the 20th, Camille intensified as it passed south of Roanoke and Lynchburg. Rainfall increased rapidly to the northeast of the low-pressure center along the western slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Downtown Waynesboro was submerged under 8 feet of water from the South River. In Amherst and Nelson Counties, many communities were partially destroyed along with highways, bridges, utilities, and railways. In Nelson County, Camille dumped 31 inches of rain in six hours and more than 133 bridges were wiped out. Residents remembered the rain as resembling a massive waterfall. The rainfall continued to increase on the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains, reaching catastrophic proportions. These flash floods and landslides constituted the worst natural disaster ever to affect the state of Virginia. Most residents were asleep during the storm, which had been unpredicted. There was no way to warn anyone of the impending catastrophe, because phone lines were obliterated along with everything else by flash floods barreling down creeks and rivers. At least 153 Virginians lost their lives in Camille; of these, 126 were residents of Nelson County. After the storm, only one highway in Virginia remained intact. Camille moved off the coast on the afternoon of the 20th.”

  31. From 1975:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DmYLrxR0Y8

    We can add a few verses!

    “Just because I am a Limerent
    I’m in a room with an elephant.”

    Chorus

    “Should I should or should I not disclose?
    I might be on the street with just my clothes!”

    Chorus:

    “I know that NC is the way to go
    How do I break to my sweet LO?”

    Add your own.

    • Thanks, a good laugh is always welcome! 😀

      “Sneaking glances at you, every day –
      ‘It’s you I want’ is what I want you to say!”

  33. Scharnhorst’s Limericks for Limerents:

    When in the midst of those limerent throes
    You may feel inclined to disclose
    If you think her affection you’ll glean
    By you’re coming clean
    You may find that it’s not how it goes

    A man one day met a cute LO
    At once his mind turned into lime jello
    His thoughts became scattered
    As though nothing else mattered
    He was no longer one mellow fellow

    When meeting “the one” with the glimmer
    Our cortex lights up with a shimmer
    She’s as cute a bug,
    Like a hit of a drug,
    Our reason gets dimmer and dimmer

    • Slow day at work….

      I once met a lass fair and bold
      Her red hair was a sight to behold.
      But, the wound that she hid
      Had me flipping my lid
      For a while, I thought I’d struck gold

      Limerence can lead to bad things
      Disaster may wait in the wings
      If the poor choice you make
      Raises the risk that you take
      You may regret all the things that choice brings

      • Thank you!

        Last one, promise.

        Should you find that your crush is complicit
        Please, try to avoid the explicit
        No coyness or flirting
        You might end up hurting
        Or worse, take part in behavior illicit!

  34. Here’s one from the perspective of a less-than-amused SO. I can only relate to a few parts of it but I like his attitude. I wonder what was going on when he wrote it. It’s all good but I really like this part:

    “It’s not something you can hide away
    Sooner or later it starts to show
    It’s written on your face
    You’ve been betrayed
    Do you really believe that I don’t know?”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDCU-iYI0I

  38. In today’s allegory, we look at the movie “Bridge Over the River Kwai (1957),” starring William Holden & Alec Guinness. You can read the plot summary here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bridge_on_the_River_Kwai

    It’s an excellent study in misguided priorities. Kind of like limerence. I’d bet lunch Alec Guinness (in the movie) is a limerent. The best line comes at the ~50 second mark.

    The good news is the bridge gets blown up in the end. The bad news is William Holden and Alec Guinness end up dying and William Holden’s death was likely unnecessary if Alec Guinness didn’t have his head up his butt. Again, kind of like limerence.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHVMi3LxZE

    • I love that song, but personally prefer The Hollies version! Agree it’s a great song though!

    • It never charted in the US, which may be why I never heard of it.

      After listening to it, it would have to have been one memorable moment with LO to hook me to Limerence.

      On the other hand, LO #4 trashed quite a few Billy Joel songs for me.

    • I’m dying! “It went on to become the eighth best-selling single of 1984 in the UK,[3] (and over one million copies worldwide) despite not being included on the playlist for BBC Radio 1 because it “was not credible”.[4]”

  50. God, there is too much limerence music to mention. And this page takes so darn long to load with all of the youtube videos!

  54. Here’s a current one that tortured me with thoughts of my LO for months. It relates to my situation right now almost exactly, as well as a few references to ‘white-knight syndrome’ (I do not experience this, it is worth noting):

    https://youtu.be/Q4-jOuHO-z4

    • It didn’t help yesterday, a day I wasn’t supposed to see LO at all, when this song played at the exact one time I was in the room with a TV… That was aggravating.

  55. If you ever want to watch a really sad movie, watch “Madame X.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVus5ARFil4 It’s a movie about a woman whose life goes south. Way south. In fairness to Lana Turner, she got some marginal advice and took it.

    It came out in March, 1966. I was 10. I’m pretty sure my father was in his second marriage. Why they would haul a kid to see this movie is beyond me. My guess is they couldn’t find a baby sitter.

    The point is, 50 years later, I remember it and it’s still sad.

  56. Read the lyrics for “Star Sky” (Nick Phoenix or Thomas Bergersen is the composer).

    Pro tip: don’t play it endlessly at your SO and be surprised they are angry that you’re playing a song about UNREQUITED LOVE at them.

    I’m not a limerent but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid or don’t have feelings that can be hurt!

    The music and lyrics are lovely but think about the message you’re sending your audience. Don’t claim to be particularly sensitive or empathetic when clearly you are demonstrating otherwise.

  58. Shake it out
    https://youtu.be/WbN0nX61rIs

    “And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
    And given half the chance would I take any of it back
    It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
    It’s always darkest before the dawn”

  59. Watching The Cure at Glastonbury tonight, I think Lovesong sums up that mid life Limerence well….

    “Whenever I’m alone with you
    You make me feel like I am young again
    Whenever I’m alone with you
    You make me feel like I am fun again”

    https://youtu.be/ks_qOI0lzho

  60. I am trying to keep a sense of humor about being limerent. I assure everyone it is painful like everyone else’s experience but some of the situations I find myself in would go terrifically well as a Shakespearean farce– like being asked by my LO to coach her new boyfriend on the ins and outs of her personality, because he’s not understanding her like I do. That kind of request (and why would I deny her?) is enough to make me look forward to a root canal.

    So I will post the ultimate funny limerence song:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXS0nEOx_20

    • I thought I would share a few more recent songs I like that make me think about my LO and my LE (and limerence in general, with a focus on metal/alternative music if you’re into it). I had shared a couple of these before.

      This song just makes me think about how much I like my LO and the hold she has on me (the video posts the lyrics, which are very appropriate): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfkTtjn2sdc

      This song is about unrequited love and the possibility of being with someone in another life. I also like how they sing about “the fiction of love,” still seeing the woman’s “ghost” and having memories of her (some say the song is about death, but I don’t really think that; the singer looks kind of strange, but try not to judge the song based on that): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj2miRJ6bZs

      I really think this song and video could very well be about limerence and the mirage that seems so real but isn’t: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIzDsGyxsQM

      Somehow this one fits too, but I don’t know why (it might fit other people’s LE better than mine though; interestingly, the singer is the same as the one above, although he sings in two bands simultaneously): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXEKuttVRIo

  63. “More than the greatest love the world has known…”

    “More” was the theme to the 1962 movie, “Mondo Cane. My step-father had the movie soundtrack. It reached something in me even back then. Andy Williams may not have done the most famous version but it’s my favorite. It’s one of the most romantic songs of that era.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw-EDPuPNR8

    This is one you listen to when you want to slide into limerent reverie.

  64. PSB’s “Pet Shop Boys” (sung to an enabling LO?)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik2YF05iX2w
    I don’t know why, I don’t know how,
    I thought I loved you but, I’m not sure now,
    I’ve seen you look at strangers,
    Too many times,
    The love you want, is of a different kind

    Remember when we felt the sun,
    A love like paradise,
    How hot it burned,
    A threat of distant thunder,
    The sky was red,
    And where you walked you always,
    Turned ev’ry head

    I thought that when we fought
    I was to blame,
    But now I know you play,
    A different game,
    I’ve seen you dance with danger,
    Still wanting more,
    Add another number, To the score

  65. The Offspring’s “Self-Esteem” (sung by a self-aware lime rent?)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q
    I wrote her off for the tenth time today
    And practiced all the things I would say
    But she came over
    I lost my nerve
    I took her back and made her dessert

    Now I know I’m being used
    That’s okay because I like the abuse
    I know she’s playing with me
    That’s okay ’cause I’ve got no self-esteem

    We make plans to go out at night
    I wait till two then I turn out the light
    This rejection’s got me so low
    If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

    When she’s saying that she wants only me
    Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
    When she’s saying that I’m like a disease
    Then I wonder how much more I can spend
    Well I guess I should stick up for myself
    But I really think it’s better this way
    The more you suffer
    The more it shows you really care, right, yeah, yeah

    • Wow. One of my favourites. I never really thought about this as being about limerence, but I guess it could be!

  66. So many songs to choose from and so many good ones already posted. This is the one that speaks to me the most right now. I feel like the girl in the song, though if the genders were swapped, I could also be the guy singing.
    https://youtu.be/5ddz7MZCMG8
    “What is left to learn
    When he would let you crash and burn
    He never gives attention but you still yearn”

  68. I found another song with the limerent and the LO in it.

    “Sing once again with me
    Our strange duet
    My power over you
    Grows stronger yet”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JJTdVrtaVs

    “In all your fantasies you always knew
    That man and mystery were both in you
    And in this labyrinth
    Where night is blind
    The phantom of the opera is here
    Inside my mind”

  70. Question to the group, are there any good movies one can recommend that feature limerence? Maybe one with a happy end, aka the limerent lives a happy life without LO?

    • I think “Love Actually” has limerence in it. But hardly a tale of happy life without limerence though.

      • I would agree; I thought about posting that here but it’s not a song, so I didn’t. Maybe we should have a ‘limerence media’ post.

        And Dr L.:

        It might be a good idea to have a ‘limerence music 2’ as this post takes a while to load, due to all the links.

    • It’s not related to limerence but “Top Gun” is a metaphor for my relationship with LO #2. I’m Maverick and LO #2 is Goose. It’s a great lesson about loss, how it affects you, and eventually, how you move past it.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e686mVWXhY0 Pay attention to the dog tags.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWLFD0EupvI

      My wife doesn’t understand why I like this movie so much. I can’t tell her the real reason so I tell her it’s because I was in the Navy and my father wanted to be a Naval Aviator in WWII.

  72. Anyone else find this song relatable?
    First time I’ve listened to it in a long time. When my Mum first became ill she used to listen to this a lot – I suspect from what she (over)shared with me, she was limerent for someone from her past, but being a young teenager at the time, I had no idea.
    https://youtu.be/l6PrJnqrb3s

    “There’s a life outside for me” – keeping hold of that thought!!

  73. For once, a song I want to share. When I started my journey to fight against limerence, I heard this song:

    https://youtu.be/6RLLOEzdxsM
    Alan Walker – All falls down

    And parts of the lyrics that resonated at first were:
    “What’s the trick? I wish I knew
    I’m so done with thinking through all the things I could’ve been
    And I know you want me, too
    All it takes is that one look at you and I run right back to you”

    And: “You’re the drug that I’m addicted to, and I want you so bad”

    I couldn’t listen to the song for a long time. Today heard it in the car again. The parts of the lyrics that make me smile now are:
    “’Cause when it all falls down, then whatever
    When it don’t work out for the better
    If it just ain’t right, and it’s time to say goodbye
    When it all falls down, when it all falls down
    I’ll be fine”

    And:
    “You’re the drug that I’m addicted to and I want you so bad
    But I’ll be fine (I’ll be fine), and that’s that”

    Really like the song (again)! 🙂

      • Thanks for asking, Rachel. I’m doing good. It’s almost like something clicked in my brain to snap me out of it at my last encounter with LO. Seeing my LO and reducing him and our conversations to strictly non-emotional topics really helped.
        I have my occasional thought about LO, immediately followed by the realization that I don’t want to be close to LO anymore. Those fantasies don’t provide any positive stimuli anymore. I occasionally also still get slightly agitated thinking about LO’s LO (triggered by the thought of our year-end party where I will see most likely both) but also that doesn’t give me that much negative impulse anymore. I keep on thinking that LO’s behavior is “not normal”, the way he doesn’t have boundaries. Even if I idealize(d) him in the short term, these issues would surface in many other instances, hence LO is by no means good for me. Let’s see how this goes, maybe I have another relapse at some point, but for now I am on good track I think.

        • Hi Sarah
          I had a moment like that too recently… and our chats were not even that emotional. What are examples of emotioknal chats ? For me the pull was the care and attention she gave me – like:
          – seeing if i got home after a party
          – sending me pics of clothes that would look nice on me
          – confiding in me
          – touching my arm now and then
          – asking me to come to social events as she felt anxiety walkking in on her own
          When i used to call her beautiful, pretty she never stopped me and told me not too but also didnt encourage me but just a ‘thanks’….so i carried on which didnt help the limerence for me….

          so i never had emotional chats or never confessed – I think i got friend zoned if anything plus i have SO

        • “Ubi Est Mea”

          I grew up near Chicago. “Ubi Est Mea” isn’t just a slogan, it’s a way of life.

          The next time you start to soften on your LO, ask yourself,

          “Where’s mine?”

          Questions for limerents:

          1. What’s in this for me?
          2. What’s the “fairy tale ending?”
          3. What would I do with that knowledge if I had it?

        • Hi Kevin, yeah, all of that too: the occasional touch, the attention, and care, the constant sending me stuff that reminded him of me or showed me that he thinks of me. But with emotional conversations I mean deep conversations about personal topics, could be anything really that showed what kind of personality we have, how our childhood was, sharing stories from the past, discussing marriage and relationships (also past ones), telling each other how we feel, anything that made me feel close to him or bond with him. I wanted to know everything about him and wanted him to know me. LO would also ask me to confirm I got home safely, he would text me good night or good morning everyday, would send me jokes and memes. Although it was all non-sexual, at some point I realized I am behaving like LO is my boyfriend that lives in a different country. We would also often call on the phone, “watch movies remotely together” etc. I figured at some point that I shouldn’t be wanting to tell LO anything that happens in my live, I should be wanting to tell SO. Unfortunately, SO would often cut me short and show me he is not interested in any of that, saying, is it important? Do I really have to know? “8 or higher Bro” (if anyone has seen how I met your mother). And I adjusted, I started to only tell SO stuff that he absolutely needed to know. But now I started to text SO everything I used to tell LO, and if he says any of that sort, I tell him, yes, as my husband it is your duty to listen to what goes through my mind, wether it is relevant to you or not, because it is relevant to me. And I continue to do that and just stay a bit stubborn. It has improved.

  74. Ah yeah similar then @Sarah
    But I never said about my feelings for her… i am now convinced she doesnt have feelings for me – just good friendship but like i mentioned, her boundries were not great considering im a married man. For example i asked her if we could go shopping together for chinos that i wantewd…… she said yeah… that didnt help my LE. I would have expecetd someone says what about your wife? Im not blaming her – I just took all this to be that she had me as someone special…

    But not after stepping back and looking closely – a lot of it is good friendship and some validation and attention from me making her feel good. All women like that right 🙂

    I was behaving like your LO – exactly like that hoping to pull her in (i know its not right) but she didnt….i got sucked in and now im on my way out…

    we still work with each other but i have lessened the contact a lot…she has not said anything about that….
    PLUS 2 months ago i had access to her phone as she left it with me unlicked and i looked at her whats app ( bad i know) to see if she talks about me to other people… and i can validate my LE…but there was nothing about liking me sexually but instead found her close to another work colleague from a previsous job meeting me – so that made me jealous and made think about backing off

    • Very similar indeed. I needed new sport wear (shoes and clothes) and LO accompanied me, and many other things like that. I was like, why would you do that if you’re not into the person? We actually went swimming together, I was like oh-oh, for sure we will get closer, but no… he stayed away… i was very confused.
      I used to have free access to his phone, knew his code and everything, only after I suspected he was into his new LO did he get protective over it. All of a sudden, he did not read messages when I saw his screen, he wouldn’t leave it on the table anymore, etc. and when I confronted him about it he called me paranoid. I wanted to see his reaction and asked him to give me his phone, if there was nothing there I could see his phone like I used to, there would be nothing to hide, as he said (I wasn’t going to look at it, just wanted to see if he gave it to me) but his reaction was you are crazy, you behave like a jealous girlfriend, etc. (well, I guess I did). In the end, I have no grounds to behave like that at all…. the rest is history. 1,5months of thinking I am crazy, confirmation I wasn’t, the ups and downs of “advising” LO how to handle his new LO, and the final call for NC when I couldn’t handle my advisory role for LO anymore (like what was he thinking… and what was I thinking?!?!)
      And since then 6,5 weeks NC, charity event relapse, and finally, my “drink good-bye” last week. What an ending…

      • Funny phone story:

        One day my wife and I are out and she asked to borrow my phone to call the kids. She’s looks at my contacts and asks why some people have letters after their name and some don’t. I told her that professional contacts have letters so I remember who they work for and personal contacts don’t have letters.

        She asks, “Then, who the hell is X—– Y—–?!”

        I told her she was an FBI agent (true.) My wife asked why I didn’t include the initials. I told her. First, a lot of FBI agents don’t want people to know they’re FBI agents. Second, if I ever become a hostage, I don’t want them to know I have the FBI on speed dial. I’ll be the first one they shoot. I told my wife she could call the agent if she wanted to.

        • That’s hilarious, Scharny.

          My wife has my phone all the time to do pictures with (she lets her own phone fill up by taking lots of pics and videos and won’t ever delete them).

          There’s no way I’d ever enter into an inappropriate texting relationship because #1, it’s wrong, and #2, I’d be caught immediately.

          My own LE is going through ups and downs. My LO’s new boyfriend is living with her, apparently (I haven’t asked but other people have made comments). He works in the office next to mine. She’s confided to me that she has more of a connection with his brother, who works 3 offices over. She avoids her new boyfriend at work, because it was secret (she was married at the outset) and now she’s got some conflict going with the brother, so I don’t ever see her at work nearly as much as I used to. That bothered me when the limerence was intense, but now I’m pretty happy not to see her or talk to her. LC has just sort of happened, even though I still have to interact with her multiple times daily.

          I’m surmise she’s gone to her own LC because I’m certain she was limerent for me prior to her new boyfriend (she told me she loved me, that we were made for each other, occasional touches, etc.). But she’s over that and is fully distracted by her boyfriend and her own busy life.

          Whew! I totally get how fickle her affections are through observing her life over a longer period of time. Scharny’s second question – ‘What’s the “fairy tale ending?”’ is excellent. In this case, the answer is, “There isn’t one.”

          It was all a feverish episode of an idiot limerent brain.

      • In 1.5 month you got the Limerence?
        Wow. Took me 9 months

        That’s a whole new level of trust if a work colleague is accessing your phone.

        My LO nearly stayed with me in same apartment (2 beds) when she was homeless for 3 days and my SO was away. But she didn’t in the end. That was lucky otherwise it would really have not helped my LE

        Anyway bottom line is focus on ourselves and SO. Just not as exciting and thrilling.

        Did you both tell each other you like each other sexually?

        • Hey Kevin, nono, the whole LE went on for about 2 years.
          Timeline wise it was a bit like this:
          Instant glimmer when we met. Followed by:
          – 3 months of coffee catch ups like every other week
          – 2 months of me being crazy limerent (daily coffees, multiple lunches a week) after which i disclosed my feelings (he replied, sorry no feelings from his side)
          – 4 months of total uncertainty about his feelings as he gave me lots of mixed messages, letting me get closer and closer (meeting as friends outside of work, with the kids, going swimming, shopping, meeting his parents, movies, dinners, drinks… it felt like I was dating him) he was single, I wasn’t.
          – about 1 year of being best friends, EA, and unfortunate on and off occasional physical contact (not proud, but it also didn’t happen often as I usually felt so guilty and there wasn’t many instances anyway) then mutual agreement of calling it off for good but deciding to stay best friends.
          Within the following month I suspected him to be limerent for his new LO, after which you can add the rest from above… so add about another 6 months of me having mainly my downs with thinking he has an LO, knowing he has an LO, advising him if his LO is into him or not, to NC and now feeling like finally being over it.

          So over these two years, I have gotten to know him veeeery well, he has shared very personal things with me. That’s why he was also kind of like a best friend to me and that was i think the hardest part to let go.

        • LO #2 told me I was her still her best friend twice after we broke up and she was seeing someone else.

          She demoted me from Boy Friend to “Best Friend.” She wanted a license to dump on me and I’d have to take it because “…that’s what Best Friends do.” I declined the position.

        • Sarah – do you really mean his LO or are you saying girlfriend or girl-he’s-into? I presume you hadn’t discussed the concept of limerence with him? (Intrigued if you had)

        • I think his LO, but yes, girl he was into, and I told him she was clearly into him based on what she texts and all, despite being in a relationship for 10 years.
          I actually thought she was limerent for him based on what I realized what she’s texted him etc. and I did show him DrL’s article that explained the stages of limerence, i told him where she got the glimmer, where he fuels the uncertainty by giving mixed messages etc. He just called me crazy. He said he didn’t realize he liked her until I pointed out to him that she’s into him and how he fuels it (by giving her presents, texting her, driving her home) like I just saw the same thing happening again what happened with me, like history repeat itself. It was so obvious. He denied it, later on explained that he sorta realized it when I pointed it out and then figured that he will give it a try as it seemed that was his “shot at happiness” with someone that actually wants to be with him. And he always felt like his life would be happy if only he had s girlfriend. She did break up with her boyfriend of 10 years, and then told him that she has met someone else. He said she makes a mistake, choosing the wrong guy, but whatever. I thought it was the end of it, just for her to turn around and want him again as apparently the other person didn’t work out and him not sure if he should take her now, now that she realized he was better than the other.. him asking ME for advise what he should do, which is where I lost it completely. NC… i deleted his messages, didn’t even read it. That was the NC period of 6,5 weeks.

  75. You did the right thing there, Scharny. I thought being best friends was the next best thing, but it clearly isn’t.

    This was the article I sent him: https://pairedlife.com/dating/friendshiporinfatuation

    I told him this is how I feel and why I stop any contact with him. You do what you must, I will not stand in your way (At some point he asked if he was gonna lose me if he pursued his LO). I told him I remove myself from this equation, I am no factor to consider.

    • It was a good article.

      “Infatuation has a shelf-life, naturally fading after a few months; however, if you’re regularly having philosophical conversations and coffee dates with this person, you will only fall harder in love.” We never met for coffee but we had some really deep exchanges.

      Here’s another one in the same vein.

      https://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-lai/2015/12/can-a-man-and-a-woman-really-have-a-platonic-relationship/

      “The truth is, they may never do anything physical in life. They may never cross the line. But a relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to set up boundaries. A relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to adjust your feelings. A relationship can never truly be platonic if you have to pretend that you are happy with the way things really are…when deep down—you want something more.”

      When I disclosed to LO #4, she said she had no idea. That’s not surprising since we never actually met and our relationship was one of electronic exchanges. In her goodbye, she said I wasn’t able to keep it platonic. In my response, I paraphrased the above passage.

      The only woman friend I have is part of a couple. She and her husband have been good friends for almost 40 years. When I started dating my wife, I didn’t bring any women from my past with me. I have beer drinking buddies, golf buddies, and Dungeons & Dragons buddies, none of whom are women. Me spending time with another woman would be out of character for me.

      When things were in flux with LO #4, my wife asked, “Is she after you?” I could honestly say “I don’t know.” Now, if my wife had asked “Are you after her?,” the conversation would have gotten very uncomfortable very quickly.

      • This is another of the “This isn’t going to make me look good” stories.

        I’ve posted elsewhere about a co-worker (CW) I was attracted to. She didn’t put out the faintest hint of glimmer. We match up really well across a lot of items. She was a credible threat and I treated her accordingly. She’s the only woman in 30 years I’ve met outside of work. One was a happy hour that was supposed to be a group event but we were the only two that showed up.

        She left the agency and took a job in the city about 15 miles away. We kept in contact. I have several acquaintances who work in the city and when I’m down there, I usually try to connect with one of them. I met CW for dinner one time. My wife had absolutely no problem with it. CW ended up ghosting me. I got one obviously misdirected text from her in the last 4 years. I was talking to another coworker about it and the coworker said something about how I might be coming across.
        She said it was obvious that CW and I got along well. The woman I was talking to asked if I knew that CW lived less than 5 miles from here. But, the only time I wanted to see CW was when I went 15 miles into the city and she was an add-on. What did that say to her? No, I hadn’t considered that.

        I thought about it. Q: Why did I only want to see CW when I was in the city? A: It provided me cover. I wasn’t in the city to see CW. I was seeing CW because I was already in the city and it wouldn’t arouse suspicion. Meeting her under other circumstances would have aroused my wife’s suspicion.

    • Great article Sarah thanks for sharing .
      I agree it’s hard to be best friends. My LO sees me as a brother I am convinced of that so it’s challenging but I have retracted a lot and trying to go from best friends to normal friends / colleagues

    • Your story sounds tough Sarah and you have come a long way.
      Mine is similarly except no
      Disclosure
      Physical contact except goodbye hugs. No kisses.

      I think she saw and still sees me as a brother and I took that as extra attention and connection. Plus things not Exciting at home so easy for me to get on a high with the attention.

      How do you manage to work in the same building as him down and still Focus on work

      • Hi Kevin, it’s a tough situation that I should have handled at the very beginning. I sometimes think about where I should have pulled the ripcord, and it goes all the way to the beginning, latest after I had disclosed. It should have ended then and there (even before I should have intervened, I should have kept an emotional guard up to never even get to the point of letting feelings develop to that level) I will learn from my mistakes for sure.
        Luckily, I started a new job in a different building, which made it harder to meet (think lunches 1-2 times a week max, no more coffees, but occasionally a quick afterwork beer), a few months later, he moved to yet another building so far away that lunches are not feasible anymore. Afterwork drinks could still happen as our paths home cross at the main train station. But look, once you realize this friendship is not good for you, you have to get out of there. It sucks, it felt like Really I lost my best friend that was by my side for 2 years getting an update on what I’m doing, feeling, thinking multiple times a day, everyday. But if you don’t feel good under these circumstances, you have to actively change something. Physical distance caused by our internal moves played to my favor and I am thankful for that.

  77. Hi Sarah
    Well I think we are all guilty of letting things go further than they should have so don’t give yourself a hard time. Sounds like you’ve come a long way though and it’s an inspiration to all of us. Sounds like you’ve come along way though and it’s inspiration to all of us.
    In your case because you disclosed and he still carried on giving you attention after saying doesn’t feel the same way , that must’ve been very very difficult.

    You’re very lucky about the b you’re very lucky about the building moves. At least you both know why are you are going for limited contact. At least you both know why are you are going for limited contact . My colleague is in the same building as me and doesn’t know I’m trying to limit contact so I feel really bad and guilty for withdrawing but obviously that’s for my own good. I have stopped the one-to-one meet ups and just seeing her at team events now.

    Are things better with you SO now ?

    • Hi Kevin, thanks, but I let things go way too far, never even thought I would be capable of that.
      Yeah, I think him letting me push the boundaries further and further really sparked that uncertainty (he said he doesn’t like me but his actions show he does, but he’s still holding back, is passive and I pushed and pushed and pushed to see what’s there), it was a very weird situation and also that is a learning experience to never ever do that again.
      Yeah, reason why we don’t see each other in person anymore is the building move. BUT, I also stopped texting him completely, be it over office chat or private phone. He still texted me a meme or joke occasionally, and I would just react to it, then stop. Obviously he notices that I don’t want to talk to him, saying “oh I see your busy” “I’ll let you concentrate then” and stuff like that. It’s all to get a reaction from me that I don’t want to give anymore.
      Kevin, you’re doing good, reducing contact to team meetings. It’s hard and you feel sad about it, but live goes on and the void of LO will be filled with other things, people, interactions. If she notices you withdraw from her, she will address it, she will try to get some reaction from you. If she doesn’t notice or say anything… take it as something positive, she helps you indirectly to let go.

      • Thanks Sarah for your encouragement
        Yeah will be ok in the kind run. I don’t have uncertainty or hope anymore
        I actually asked her if she is starting to date now as she was waiting to work on her self she said. She said nearly ready to start dating. Also last night was out on team drinks and another colleague said that LO speaks fondly of me sounds like she sees you as a brother. Which is what I felt too recently. But then today she sends me links to some clothes that I will like. Doesn’t help LE but that’s just her. Not clear on boundaries. But it’s up to me to create the boundaries.

  78. I’ve copy and pasted Scharnhosts 3 questions to try and apply them to my situation. I’m back deep into LE relapse despite a desperate plea to my LO on Wednesday morning to go NC (after a miserable night down the rabbit hole of reviewing messages / photos and waking up crying that morning ). If he cared about me properly he’d see how desperate I am to end it. But there’s definitely a power thing there. He doesn’t want to let go – which my limerent brain says because we’re meant to be together/ have an irresistible attraction. My rational brain knows it’s a combination of his enjoying being able to snap his fingers and have me do what he wants plus probably a degree of limerence on his part. I just want to get off this hamster wheel but can’t imagine life without him, even though it’s no life.

    I’m inspired by the fact you’ve escaped though Sara.

    • I tell you what DrL told me once: don’t put the decision to go NC onto LO. You should make that active decision and follow through with it. What LO does and wants doesn’t matter! It’s hard, it’s a struggle, but there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

    • And ScotsGlimmerLass, delete all messages and pictures. Everything… it hurts when you do it, but it helps in the long run.

      • Hi Sarah. You are totally right of course. I’ve done NC about 3 or 4 times now. We only have contact through FB. I have no other means of contacting him. The problem is (well it’s one of many many problems obvs) is that unless he blocks too at the same time then I will just unblock and contact him. The first time we “broke up” he blocked too. But I constantly checked had he unblocked and about 10 days later he had …. and off we went again. In fact 7-10 day cycles are what we’ve been on for the last number of weeks. It’s messed up. I should be to go NC of my own accord. But I can’t. I know I have to. Same way I know I have to delete the messages and photos in order to get done with this and also because the risk of my SO seeing them and the devastation & hurt that would cause.
        I know what to do. I just can’t find the resolve to do it.

        • One day, you will be ready! 😊 I was were you are once too, unable to go NC, unwilling to delete everything. You’ll get there when you are ready.

          I dodged a major bullet as nobody knows a thing about me and LO. If I imagine, it could have turned out so differently: at this point I could be standing in front of a shattered life, destroyed everything. I am so thankful that I could turn this around. And I’m not kidding myself: LO holds the ammunition to destroy my life at anytime he wants. All I can do is trust him with that.

        • “You’re handing someone a life-grenade because you think that they are amazingly special and will appreciate the gift you are giving them. Some LOs will look at your gift, pull the pin and blow you up.

          And you can’t complain because you gave them the bomb.” -DrL, https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/05/12/when-not-to-disclose/

          The closest I came to that was one morning, my wife and I were getting ready for work. My cell phone was flashing. My wife asked if she should pick it up. I said it was probably a traffic alert and I’d check it later. My wife went downstairs. When I looked at the phone, it was an email from LO #4 that said she’d had a rough night, she’d been thinking about me, and she “…drank port and listened to xxxx until I passed out.”

        • Well it wasn’t a gift but an unavoidable complication. Yes, LO can pull the pin anytime and all I can do is pray he won’t.

        • Thanks Sarah & Scharnhost. Yup I guess my LO could explode my life in an instant if he chose to. He does say he deletes everything more or less instantly. I believe him (there’s a lot I don’t believe that he says!). But in any case disclosure by him is not something I’m concerned about. Our particular situation and the fact that I am connected to his family means that although he is single means he has as much to lose as me of this came to light. Much more of a risk is accidental exposure.

        • Yeah, accidental exposure… I am soooo glad that didn’t happen. Of course I thought about it and sort of took that risk. But now thinking about it, the outcome would destroy snd impact so many lives. Now I just think “what was I thinking?!”.

          By the way, @Rachel: how are things on your end? Hope you’re doing ok!

        • I really want to be at the what was I thinking stage. Luckily my LO just blocked me – without discussion. For the best although of course my limerent brain is now devastated. First time he’s done that. I need to take the opportunity to move on.

        • Hi Sarah. Well, I’ve been doing good and bad.
          I’ll explain; since my last relapse and utter melt down I decided that this was enough for me and truely I just let go. I’ve barely even thought about him and the thoughts Ive have had no emotional attachment.
          The problem I’m having now is reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw LO and he was grumpy and I actually felt sick and started to shake with anxiety. I can not believe how deluded I was. The thought that I was putting my marriage on the line, how selfish I was being and the extent I lost my mind is crazy. I’m still not over the shock and I just feel awful and guilty. My mind has been returned to me, finally, but I feel terrible about my behaviour. My marriage would have ended and I could have lost everything precious to me for absolutely nothing. This is going to haunt me for a very long time.
          I’m glad this nightmare has ended and I’m back. I feel this experience has taught me a lot but it’s scarey where the mind can take you.
          How are you Sarah. Hang in there. Please..

        • That’s a good sign, Rachel. As I mentioned before, there is that one moment of: what the hell was I thinking?! And when you reach that, you are really on your way to freedom of LO!
          Then, as you say, there is the next stage of how do you deal with the guilt of your behavior. Me too, I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

          I am doing fine. I really feel like I have reached a point of closure with my LE. I occasionally think about LO, but it is a memory from the past, and I am ok with it being in the past.
          I don’t text LO, I don’t hear from LO and I am good with that. It feels a bit like reaching closure with an ex-bf. Like that moment when you feel ok after you’ve split up. And I also feel ok knowing that I may see him occasionally for a group lunch or at company events. I wish him all the happiness in the world, with whomever. I live my life he lives his, and I don’t need him as a close friend. Life goes on.
          I found some pics of LO from like 2 years ago (nothing bad, just some random pics taken at events/outings) and I was like, ok, let’s delete all of this. Get rid of anything that relates to him, and it felt totally ok.

        • EAP Counselor: “Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage and family for this woman (LO #4)?”

          Me: “No.”

          EAP Counselor: “Then, get away from her and stay away from her. Stay involved with this woman and this will not end well for you.”

  79. Certain Music, especially music that reminds me of limerence, for me triggers a tingling sensation similar to ASMR.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomous_sensory_meridian_response

    I learned about this relatively recently, and thought it was a physical symptom related to limerence, because for me it can be triggered by thinking about LO, or certain music that reminds me of LE. However I learned that it’s more commonly triggered by external visual or auditory stimuli, like scratching on a chalkboard or other things, and now there is this whole industry of ASMR YouTube videos (in the US at least, not sure if this is common anywhere else).

    Has anyone else experienced this type of physical sensation related to limerence? Or what other physical sensations do you feel?

    • If what you’re describing is what I think it is, I’ve experienced it but I don’t think it was ever related to limerence.

      For me, when I’ve experienced the “odd tingle, it has been in a religious context, like a hymn I really like.

    • Hi PS. ASMR just doesn’t do it for me. I have (internet diagnosed ha!) misophonia (really extreme reaction to certain noises like chewing and sniffing etc). ASMR stuff I’ve seen affects me like that.

      Physical sensations I feel are adrenaline and racing heart. And one I call “stone drop” it’s like a stone dropped in your stomach on reading certain words (my LE is mostly by text).

      • Thanks, Scharnhorst and SGL. I get “odd tingles” too, triggered by external stimuli, religious music, etc, but I also feel like I can trigger them myself by thinking about LO. I’ve been trying (supposedly scientifically) to document this, even though I’m no longer in the true midst of an LE, but I’ve found that I can still trigger this sensation. I hope this will diminish over time, and probably not a good idea to purposely trigger it — it is a calming effect, but feels oddly addictive.

        • I’ve never been able to bring up the “odd tingle” on demand. Occasionally, my shoulders will tighten and I’ll get the feeling I’m being watched by one of them, which is totally ridiculous. That comes and goes on its own.

          At it’s worst, I swore I could feel LO #4 in the room with me when she was 2500 miles away. After LO #2 sent me the FB friend request and my dead father came back in a dream to warn me away from her, I had the feeling that 2500 miles was still too close. LO #2 & LO#4 live within 40 miles of each other.

      • As a male, my physical reaction to my LO isn’t fit to describe on such a family-friendly website.

        It was one of the evidences that the non-limerent portion of my brain pointed out as a huge (well, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit) problem.

        😉

        Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot.

  80. I have a lot of songs that resonate with me and the LE (Taylor Swift’s “Red” album is hymn to limerence & Jake Gyllenhall when you strip out the pop singles.

    A new one I heard today is by Alison / A Fine Frenzy
    It’s called “Almost Lover” and really encapsulates my LE and my avoidant / enabling / narcissist LO.

    “Your fingertips across my skin
    The palm trees swaying in the wind
    Images
    You sang me Spanish lullabies
    The sweetest sadness in your eyes
    Clever trick

    Well, I never want to see you unhappy
    I thought you’d want the same for me
    Goodbye, my almost lover
    Goodbye, my hopeless dream
    I’m trying not to think about you
    Can’t you just let me be?
    So long, my luckless romance
    My back is turned on you
    Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
    Almost lovers always do

    We walked along a crowded street
    You took my hand and danced with me
    Images

    And when you left, you kissed my lips
    You told me you would never, never forget
    These images

    Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
    I thought you’d want the same for me
    Goodbye, my almost lover
    Goodbye, my hopeless dream
    I’m trying…”
    Source: LyricFind

    https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i7eBbVIRtts

  81. In the meantime I’ll have to lay off the Spotify “Piano Ballad” playlist and focus on Dr L’s emergency Limerence deprogramming course. 😀

    • I’ve not heard that one for a few years! Also never really listened to the lyrics properly before either. Great song!

  83. Beautiful song Sharnhost – the leaves are indeed hung with tears here today 🍁 🌧

    • Thanks!

      Yesterday was LO #4’s birthday. Except for this song coming on the radio and a weak, “You might consider expanding your ability to connect with someone new or an old friend” horoscope, it was a pretty dull day limerence-wise.

      Ideally, she wouldn’t have crossed my mind at all but since my disclosure of the EA to my wife, LO #4 has been a periodic topic of discussion. So, it’s not surprising I remembered her birthday.

      • But you didn’t message her to wish her a Happy Birthday so you’re doing better than some of us!!

        I’ve relapsed a bit on the fantasy/reviere side of things, partially fuelled by horoscopes, since my son has been home. He’s got to be off school for a while and is driving me up the wall!! I feel completely out of routine and the fantasy provides an escape. It shouldn’t do. I’ve tried channelling that energy towards SO but he’s too tired all the time.

        • I think we are all guilty of that but if you haven’t fuelled it more by taking action then that’s good. I often message cos it’s so easy too and take action but I’m Getting better.

          In time they say having no contact will starve the limerence and it will die

        • Currently also guilty as charged with some reverie. LO’s been texting again, and SO on business trip. I see a pattern. I keep my guard up and it seems to work, my mood and mental state seems calm at the moment, but I am vary that I need to take counter measures actively.

  84. Hi Sarah
    How are you managing his texts to you ?

    My LO awnds me random messages of info on things I like. Makes me think she is thinking of me but it’s not. She is being friendly.

    • How are you reacting to that stuff she sends? Is there a way to either reply delayed or not at all to kind of give her the impression you don’t care as much about those things? Rather than obviously being rude to tell her to stop doing that, which could be weird as you say it is probably meant in a friendly way. I feel like if there is no response or reaction, at some point the other person probably also gets the sense of “that person doesn’t care that much if I send stuff”. Maybe just every once in a while don’t reply at all.

      I still apply strict policy of not writing any emotional stuff or anything that would create emotional intimacy. Plain small talk, how’s the beach, weather, food. I do not react if LO throws in anything that reminds me of our closeness (any joke only between us, any words or key phrases that mean something to us only) and also, he was saying his phone broke and wouldn’t have seen if I texted him the last two days (well I didn’t text him, but I decided to ignore that comment completely and just asked how the weather is😂). Just keeping him at strict distance.

  85. Your super strong Sarah

    Well I respond after a while and yeah polite and brief. My case is different as we have had no disclosure as you know. I hear also from other work colleagues and herself too that she going to start dating now that she feels settled into the new role. So I have to speed up my recovery. Because she doesn’t know about my feelings she may talk to me about advise in the future. I don’t know. Will cross that bridge then.

    For
    Now my social ness is brief on messenges if she messages and only go to work socials in groups. So not 121. She seems so busy that she ain’t really noticed.

    What you said to me really helped Sarah about the fact that be Grateful that I can walk away from all of this without a physical affair which is what I actually wanted with her (and keep marriage). But that didn’t happen. No disclosure So technically no awkwardness between us although I’m sure she knows I have had a soft spot for her because of the nice gifts that I bought her from holiday and texting from holiday and weekends As well as coffee is when she’s tired etc. Because We’ve never spoken about it it makes removing myself from her easier And no akwardness.

    Sounds like your doing well. Admirable. Pick up a new hobby that may help.

    I just want myself back. Don’t want her. Just myself back.

    • Thanks Kevin. Not sure how strong I feel though. I’m not over it. I still crave LO. Last night I dreamt of being with LO again.

      Do under no circumstances let yourself become an advisor, that just hurts, change topics and ignore anything that’ll go into that direction. The less you know, the better. Even as secondhand information from others. You do not want to know (for your own sanity – ignorance is bliss).

      I admire you for having the opportunity to walk away and no one knows a thing. It sucks for you of course in the moment, but one day it’ll be over and you’ll be glad you could just walk away and keep your dignity and it’s all behind you with no damage.

      She may even notice at some point that you behave differently and may try to get you to be like that again, she may miss the attention you gave her at some point. Just keep on slowly walking backward, replying less and at some point you’ll be ready to “turn around and leave her behind” – and it’ll all be good.

      • Thanks Sarah.

        I like that…walking backwards then turn around.

        Hard when your working in same company and overlapping teams but yes that’s what I need to keep doing

        Atleast your not having dreams and waking up and getting emotional via messages with him. That’s a good sign right

        We never got in any emotional chats. Xmas 2017 after Xmas party I did text her ‘I care about you more than I should’.

        To which she didn’t respond but a smiley emoji to my subsequent message which was ‘hope you get home ok’

        Because I didn’t get any inspiring content back I just decided that in new year I would start to move thoughts away from her. But because she showed signs of care /special attention to me I found it hard. But now I feel I’ve progressed that they were just because of friendliness and caring for me and also like if my attention too.

        We will be ok. It’s all in the head.

        Question. How are you with friends and family and at work. Does it affect you. I feel different as a person.

        • Yeah if you’ve texted her that at the new years party – she knows. It probably gives her an ego-boost as well knowing she’s special to you (and I don’t mean that in any bad way). Kevin, I can just repeat, be glad she’s not reciprocating and it never led to anything further!

          At work I find it a bit distracting sometimes, especially if I have to strongly focus on a complex task. I don’t think people notice much as I am the same. With work, kids and uni stuff (my hobby basically 😂) there is not much time for much else, so my social life is a bit on the back burner at the moment.
          I wouldn’t say I don’t feel myself, I am just not my happiest self. But life has its ups and downs, and of the many happy years I’ve had and will have, what’s a few bad ones in between? Not that much! And without the unhappy days you wouldn’t appreciate the happy ones.

    • Hi Sarah
      ‘Kevin, I can just repeat, be glad she’s not reciprocating and it never led to anything further!’

      Thanks – I needed to hear that again.

      I feel ive been naive and always thought she never realised as she never reciprocated or told me to cool it – I didnt think that it was her just ‘enjoying the attention’ and staying in the middle of the above 2 option. Pretty naive in my opinion – atleast im wiser now. Understand its not bad thing to want that as its human desire to be appreciated and wanted. But im wiser now – doesnt mean we dont crave LO – just have to be mindful going forward

      Sarah i often think how it must be for you…if i had been physical and then she said ‘now we need to stop as i will get hurt and too attached and need to find a proper boyfriend that i can settle with as you are married’…then i would be devasted… Hope your ok – you seem to be doing well – and it sounds like your actions are in control – just the mind and its thoughts.

      Stay strong…Sometimes i think wish we could all meet in a bar and chat this out – LOL…..Dr L – want to setup – first round on me!

      • The Limerence summit 😂 or a meet and greet with DrL! On which continent would that even happen. I think people here are from all over the world.

        But to your post, Kevin, yeah I think generally it is a nice feeling to know that you are special to someone – human nature.

        I am doing alright. It’s not like I didn’t want it to stop, I tried to stop PA 4(!) times, guilt-ridden, until he had enough. I didn’t want an affair, sneaking around, I think what I wanted was LO to take a stand, to tell me he wants me to leave SO, to tell me we can make it… but he never did. He was always very “accommodating” and always did what I wanted. He never voiced frustrations, he never said he wanted it to become something else, it was always my rules and he was ok with that (sort of). I guess I needed him to tell me he wants me and will by my side when I am about to actively shatter the live I’ve built. I once asked him why he never thought we could make it, he said because I always told him that it would never happen, so he never thought of it as an option. It’s a bit messed up as all I needed was him to say what he wants (without me telling him what I want him to do) and he didn’t as he thought it was not what I wanted. So I understand that he said I can’t wait for you and stay single the rest of my life. I don’t think he even realizes how close I was to leave SO, and that it was actually in his hands. But he has traits that makes me think it wouldn’t have worked out anyway as he is a very passive person that just goes along with whatever (i don’t think I could deal with that in the long term). He sees himself often as the victim, but yet again he is too passive to change something. Plus he is 7 years younger and always said he wants to have kids of his own. He did say if we didn’t have any barriers (aka if we were both single when we met, we would have dated and been together. He thinks it would have worked. I am not sure given his personality traits).

        It is for the better this way. It hurts, but I’ll get over it. It wouldn’t have worked out.

        • Hey Sarah

          Yes its nice to feel special – I know I have when I have picked up a girl likes me and i am not into her – I still get a buzz of knowing that i am ‘wanted’…. so she was in the same boat and enjoying my attention – but not getting sucked into my charm – LOL…..she did show signs of care but just on the borderline of friendship…so I know if I ever said ‘hey, you did this and that so i thought you liked me’ she could easily say that behaviour would be applicable to any friend, when I know that it was just crossing the line slightly – VERY CLEVER….not on purpose Im sure as there was and still is affection there – just a different affection. I have read many articles now on how men can take signs of warmth from a female as if she is hitting on him….

          Well your situation sounds tough but you are doing amazing – with all that out on the table and openness there is nothing to hide. Where as I have hidden everythign as you know.

          I think the advantage you have is that your NC and LC is justified to them cos they get why your behaving that way. Mine would thing ‘whats up with him’ so use that to your advantage. we can bring pros and cons from any scenario!

          stay strong – Im using DR Ls advice at the moment of not thinking of what im loosing (the LO) but what im gonna gain (emotional freedom and energy back). Focusing on what im gonna get with the short term restrain in wanting to message her – I get that everyday but try and restrain.

          She hasnt dated for 7 years (ive known her for 3)….. I feel she has had some self esteem/anxiety issues but now is in a better place and I even asked her as her mates are all dating and she said she is starting to think about it now….so i have to prepare myself for that phase.

          Have a good day Sarah – i admire your strength… keep going – your bring us all up at the same time

        • Sarah I didn’t know it turned into such a PA. It sounds to me like all you really wanted was the ultimate valuation from your LO. You wanted him to be that absorbed into you that you wanted him to tell you to leave you SO. My LO was so flakey and I think deep down that’s what I wanted from him also. But I know now that this was just me knee deep in a fantasy. It’s not what really wanted. I wanted LO to want to sacrifice everything for me to give me the ultimate validation.
          Maybe that’s why we were attracted to flakey LO’s so it’s a challenge and then we’d receive the unltimate prize.
          When I look back on other LE I can see how unwell I was. Keep going Sarah. You’re on the right path for sure

        • @Kevin: yeah, turning it into something positive helps (gaining freedom vs losing LO).
          LO has huge self-esteem issues and doesn’t want “to force” to date, rather have it happen naturally. But he doesn’t meet people that are available, only people that are unhappy in a relationship and vulnerable to him giving emotional support. Oh well. His problem.

        • @rachel: the PA sounds worse than it was, but it was more than just a one time thing that happened. It really felt like I was in love with LO and wanted to be with him. Then I found the concept of limerence.

        • The Limerence summit 😂 or a meet and greet with DrL! On which continent would that even happen. I think people here are from all over the world.

          Yeah, we have people from every continent except Antarctica. Maybe that’s only a matter of time, though, what with those scientists being penned up with a small number of colleagues in a research station for months at a time…

          I have been thinking recently about how to amplify the benefit of these comment threads. The community spirit and social accountability are really good for keeping people on a recovery plan. Two thoughts to float: add a forum to the emergency deprogramming course, or run an occasional “limerence bootcamp” where people can sign up to run the metaphorical obstacle course together, while I coach them along.

          What d’y’all think?

        • It’s a bit messed up as all I needed was him to say what he wants (without me telling him what I want him to do) and he didn’t as he thought it was not what I wanted.

          I think this is a good illustration of why living purposeful guards against limerence. This kind of misunderstanding is so common because two people are cautious about expressing themselves clearly, neither of them are really sure what they want, and they hope the other person will either be psychic or solve the problem for them by being decisive (in the right way, obviously). What that actually is is a recipe for prolonging uncertainty and making the limerence worse.

          Also, out of curiosity Sarah, is your SO also quite passive? He doesn’t feature very prominently in your comments, and it makes me wonder if you also see him as a frustratingly passive person…

        • “This kind of misunderstanding is so common because two people are cautious about expressing themselves clearly, neither of them are really sure what they want, and they hope the other person will either be psychic or solve the problem for them by being decisive (in the right way, obviously).“ indeed a classic, DrL. I can only imagine what would have happened… I am glad it turned out this way.

          @DrL: I wouldn’t describe SO as passive. From his personality rather the opposite: determined, passionate (esp with work), active. What was always a bit special about our relationship was that we were never “as one” as a couple. We always acted very independent, and because of that, we were able to pursue our own careers (I moved away, 10 months later he followed, I moved again, he didn’t follow, so I moved back 1,5 years later and we got married 2 months after that. We did long distance relationship for about half the time we were together (and not just a neighbor country, we’re talking 7h and 13h time difference between us). This model worked for us (and we were never in an open relationship, always committed, together, and nothing ever happened. I can’t speak for him as I wouldn’t know of course, but I’m gonna go with he also didn’t do anything). It only started to change when we had our first child and all of a sudden it was him, and me and our child as a unit. Add a second child to the mix, SO on business trips a lot. He then moved countries (I stayed with the kids on a different continent for a few months, then we moved to him). He became very distant and uninvolved, to the point where I kinda resigned mentally. All the getting angry, talking to him etc didn’t work. I told him even I am thinking about a divorce. And that is where I met LO.

          SO has improved very much in recent months, much more involved at home and with the kids. He’s getting angry at me for “not making an effort” now. So, I’m gonna have to refocus on SO now. He can be a bit patient now.. it took him years to change. I’m working on it! I’m positive we get there.

        • I’m working on it! I’m positive we get there.

          That sounds really positive. From what you say, I can see how distance from SO would build up. Another lesson, that even if a relationship dynamic is working well at one stage of life, a change (like kids) can unexpectedly reveal the flaws in the old system. Sadly, that’s often when LO’s appear to fill in the void…

        • Yeah, I mean traits that were positive when you are dating can turn into a negative trait later on. I mean life goes on, people change constantly through their different life stages and thinking that you just harmonically walk alongside SO through all of that is kind of naive. I guess that’s where the “work” comes in. They don’t say marriage needs work for nothing. But I think if both partners are willing, there should be a way to continue the walk of life in parallel. Maybe sometimes you are a bit more distant, sometimes a bit closer. But what are a few bad years compared to all the good ones.

      • And just to add what hurt the most was that he jumped onto pursuing his new LO. I was the one telling him that she liked him (despite being in a 10 year relationship with her bf) and him jumping onto that train thinking she could be the one. It hurt so much because to me it felt like why didn’t he consider me? Why did he jump onto her that quickly? With that I think I struggled the most and it made me so angry.
        But again, I think I dodged a bullet. I honestly don’t know why I am so hung up on LO and what caught my attention in the first place. What does he have that attracts me so much? I don’t know.

        • Yeah can imagine thats hard – hopefully you can use that as a catapult to move on together with the traits you have mentioned.
          Were you not afraid of getting caught by SO – or does rationalisation switch off completely?

          ME and LO were away on business earlier this year and we had a weekend – we spent the day sight seeing but in the evening did our own thing – I invited her out for drinks and she declined. That was my last attempt to see if anything can happen and she said she just wants to chill and watch a movie so i took that as a sign that BACK OFF

        • Sarah, I can see how this would hurt. Have you really gave your self chance to feel the hurt? Have you cried? Even though it was wrong it sounds very painful to feel discarded like that. But you know your better than and once you’ve fully healed form this you’ll be thanking youe lucky stars.. that’s if you aren’t already.

        • Kevin, be glad that weekend turned out like that 🙂

          I was very afraid that SO would catch me, and that fear stopped me from actually doing much. I would mainly see LO as a friend, or doing activities with the kids. Other than that, it was mainly contained to making out in his car, holding hands etc. And that got boring after a while. Really felt like a teenager again.
          @rachel: yeah I have cried. Mostly right after when he finally broke it off. Then I just randomly started to cry a lot. After finding out about his new LO, I just had that anger in me, not sad anymore, but just so angry at LO and his LO. Now I am sorta ok. The anger is fading. I still have feelings for LO, but I see it more clearly. It would have never worked. It is what it is. And as said, it is better this way.

      • Sometimes i think wish we could all meet in a bar and chat this out – LOL…..Dr L – want to setup – first round on me!

        Hmm. Putting a group of clever, attractive limerents together in a bar to chat about life and love… That could possibly backfire 🙂

        • Totally laughed out loud!! Yes, perhaps not the best ideas, as fun as it sounds. I appreciate the sentiment behind it though Kevin.

          Some kind of forum on the EDP would be great. It’s tricky sometimes to follow comments / people’s stories on the blog post comments. A lot of people use private Facebook groups for membership forums. But I think your most recent blog post exemplifies why this would not be a good place (even if they ever let you have an account 😉). Plus there’s the issue of anonymity.

        • Yeah, I thought that too about the bar!
          I like both ideas of yours, Dr L. I think personally I would be more likely to engage in the boot camp than in the EDP course forum in the role of course-taker, although I would be happy to contribute as a commenter in such forums if that would be helpful.

  87. I will decline any invitations to a live and in-person limerence meetup. I have had to go NC with Jaideaux but I am staying strong 💪.

    Eh, I know. I am an idiot.

    • 😂😂😂 Ah now, go on MLBIAI – it will be great fun. We will take turns being the Limerent and Limerent object and have special klaxon we press for “Danger! glimmer!”….

    • You guys are so funny!! 😂😂😂 I’m a big fan of all of you! Certainly big red flag if we meet! This blog’s community is indeed full of intelligent and insightful people. Very inspiring, and helpful to know we aren’t alone. I love to read all the comments but I don’t post often. I usually feel shy and my English writing isn’t very fluent. But yes, I feel very much the same as you, and my brain is an idiot too! 🤦😳

    • Ahhhhh Scharnhorst – Sheena Easton. Or as I like to call her, ScotsSingerLass….
      Ill give that one a listen. The one about My Baby takes the morning train reminds me of primary school and my first ever crush. Actually I think there were three pre-teen crushes. My early limerent career.

      • Love it Sarah! Heard this on the radio the other day and it made me think of LO. Never seen the video though – it’s great.

      • Sigrid came on the radio at work the other day. Just at the right moment and it make me think of you Sarah. It was a sign I am on the right track and to keep on going…

  89. Well, that would definitely shut down the conversation, what with the klaxon blaring constantly.

    Too funny!

  92. Album of the Day: “Exiles” – Dan Fogelberg (1987)

    If you’re looking for something to listen to while you’re in that limerent funk, this is the album for you. If you weren’t in a funk before you put it on, you’ll be in one after a few songs. Every song in this album is depressing. In the liner notes, Fogelberg said “Lonely in Love” was written on his honeymoon or shortly after he got married. He said it struck him later that it was an odd song for a newlywed to be writing.

    “Exiles” – 4:13
    “What You’re Doing” – 4:52
    “Lonely in Love” – 5:30 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwksnxcTuH0
    “Seeing You Again” – 5:00
    “She Don’t Look Back” – 4:49
    “The Way It Must Be” – 4:17
    “Hearts in Decline” – 3:14
    “It Doesn’t Matter” (Chris Hillman, Stephen Stills) – 4:32
    “Our Last Farewell” – 4:50
    “Beyond the Edge” – 3:46 (Not included on the original LP)

    It came out the year I broke up with LO #2.

    • Jesus, I think if my husband wrote such a song on our honeymoon or shortly after we got married I would seriously question that marriage. Can’t really give a broader hint that something is not right.

      • “The plot thickens. I wrote this after moving to the ranch and getting married. Somehow, it didn’t occur to me that this was strange stuff for a newlywed to be writing.” – Dan Fogelberg, liner notes to “Portrait – The Music of Dan Fogelberg

        Based on wiki, he would have been on his first of three marriages from 1982-1985.

        When I decided to ask LO #2 to marry me. I wasn’t happy about it. At that point, it was like we were in a standoff with guns pointed at each other. I entered a Zen-like state of tranquility. I knew what had to be done and I’d do it.

        I told that to a psychologist I was working on a project with. He said that’s what they observe in someone from the time they decide to commit suicide until they carry it out.

  93. I think after my shock of seeing LO yesterday after 6 months NC…..the sound of silence by Simon and Garfunkel…… something soothing.

  94. Song of the Day: “Annie’s Song” – John Denver (1974)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3091MHksLM4

    He rode it as an ode to his wife. To me, it captures the essence of limerence. I’ve only loved 3 women in my life and two of them were LOs. I’m married to the third woman (not an LO.) It doesn’t remind me of any particular woman I’ve loved, it reminds me of all of them.

  95. A lot of suggestions here that capture the reverie perfectly, this is the closest I’ve heard to the darker side being expressed:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=861OPlotULc

    “I might as well be useless for all it means to you
    I want you
    Did you call his name out as he held you down?
    I want you
    Oh no my darling, not with that clown”

  97. When my LE had hit crisis-mode, and I was drowning in desperation over whether or not to abandon everything or give up on this intense feeling of Fate (which felt like it could kill me if I rejected it), I discovered this new song, “Fantasy,” by MSMR. Sure, I admit I clicked on it because the thumbnail had this striking image of a cheerleader & glitter, but I immediately loved the tune, bought the album, saw them in concert, and routinely imagined a music video starring my LO while listening to it. After reading posts on this site and all the song suggestions, I went back to “Fantasy,” and now I realize it’s about Limerence. (I discovered the video when it came out in 2013; they obviously don’t know how roman numerals work!)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE5DXUfX0cc

    “If I could force my heart, my ears, my mind, and eyes to get in line,
    Maybe I’d find something real, not a fantasy so divine,
    Let myself down each time. Let myself down each time.
    How could you be what I want to see? How could you be what I want to see?
    How could you be what I want to see…
    When the reality could never live up (could never live up) to my fantasy?

    “Revolution from disillusion, hypnotizing and demoralizing,
    the pressure of the future, too much for today,
    how many hours will I let slip away, before I realize: Existing and Living are not the same?”

    (It’s so weird to listen to the lyrics now and realize the song was analyzing my situation, much more self-aware than I was at the time.)

    • I just came across another song that helped me through my LE, crisis & ensuing depression. I listen to a lot of Shawn Colvin songs when I’m depressed; not surprised to learn that she battles depression herself. She has a song on her 2006 album (These Four Walls) called “So Good To See You” which really hit for me the pain and longing of wanting a relationship where one was impossible.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r987OND_oPY
      “I have to tell myself we have no past, and essentially wanting you is just insane.”
      “Anything I have is yours and yours and yours. It’s a foregone conclusion, it’s a languid delusion. But it’s so good to see you.”

  98. I have a few to add;
    Bobby Rydell – Forget Him
    Olivia Newton John – Hopelessly devoted
    10CC – I’m not in love

    The ones that hit home the most, and they are beautiful songs in their own right are by Celine Dion;
    -I want you to need me
    -All Because of You (Not to be confused with “Because you loved me”)

  99. Say Something by Kodaline
    https://youtu.be/dYOwych1rWE

    Describes my LE so well. That need for her to reciprocate which she couldn’t quite do despite everything I did:

    “I’d do time for you” ✅
    “Drunken fight on a Tuesday night” ✅
    “Cuts so deep when you try to speak” ✅

  100. https://genius.com/Sara-bareilles-gravity-lyrics

    Something always brings me back to you
    It never takes too long
    No matter what I say or do
    I’ll still feel you here until the moment I’m gone
    You hold me without touch
    You keep me without chains
    I never wanted anything so much
    Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

    Set me free
    Leave me be
    I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
    Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be
    But you’re on to me and all over me

  101. Garbage – #1 Crush

    When the world opens up again it would make an awesome song for a dance competition.

    I find formal ballroom dancing boring as hell but it would work well for showcasing partner dancing.

  104. https://youtu.be/w28ZREQe3_Q

    Don’t stray
    Don’t ever go away
    I should be much too smart for this
    You know it gets the better of me
    Sometimes
    When you and I collide
    I fall into an ocean of you
    Pull me out in time
    Don’t let me drown
    Let me down
    I say it’s all because of you
    And here I go
    Losing my control
    I’m practicing your name
    So I can say it
    To your face it doesn’t
    Seem right
    To look you in the eye
    Let all the things
    You mean to me
    Come tumbling out my mouth
    Indeed it’s time
    Tell you why
    I say it’s
    Infinitely true

    Say you’ll stay
    Don’t come and go
    Like you do
    Sway my way
    Yeah I need to know
    All about you

    And there’s no cure
    And no way to be sure
    Why everything’s turned inside out
    Instilling so much doubt
    It makes me so tired
    I feel so uninspired
    My head is battling with my heart
    My logic has been torn apart
    And now
    It all turns sour
    Come sweeten
    Every afternoon

    Say you’ll stay
    Don’t come and go
    Like you do
    Sway my way
    Yeah I need to know
    All about you

    Say you’ll stay
    Don’t come and go
    Like you do
    Sway my way
    Yeah I need to know
    All about you

    It’s all because of you
    It’s all because of you

    Now it all turns sour
    Come sweeten
    Every afternoon
    It’s time
    Tell you why
    I say it’s
    Infinitely true

    Say you’ll stay
    Don’t come and go
    Like you do
    Sway my way
    Yeah I need to know
    All about you

    Say you’ll stay
    Don’t come and go
    Like you do
    Sway my way
    Yeah I need to know
    All about you

    It’s all because of you
    It’s all because of you
    It’s all because of you

      • Beth,
        Even though it captures the sweet feelings of the LE it also hints at the malevolent darkness of it:
        “I fall into an ocean of you
        pull me out in time
        don’t let me drown
        let me down”

        If only my LO would have “let me down”! It would have saved me years of being in limbo.

        I also like this line…hinting at the mental exhaustion of advanced limerence:
        “It makes me so tired
        I feel so uninspired”

        When I look at the lyrics objectively it really reminds me of the trauma of limerence. Not nearly as fun and romantic as it seemed at the time.

        But no point in looking back for too long…other than to extract the lessons from the past….

        • Jaideux,
          You nailed it. There are days when limerence is less and on those, it’s as if a burden has been lifted.

  105. ‘Lovesong’ by the Snake River Conspiracy is one I’ve often got stuck on in darker moments including with current LO. I think it’s the deranged tone of the crescendo shrieking ‘I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU’.

    ‘Post Blue’ by Placebo… don’t know why… something about the addiction themes and the weird intangible bond…listened to it solidly for weeks ruminating during my last LE… ‘it’s in the water baby… I’d break the back of love for you.’

    Also definitely second Lee’s #1Crush, by Garbage. Excellent rumination fodder!

  108. Surprised that no one has mentioned the Everly Brother’s “All I have to Do is Dream” on here. I think it describes limerent reverie quite well:

    When I want you in my arms
    When I want you and all your charms
    Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
    Dream, dream, dream, dream

    When I feel blue in the night
    And I need you to hold me tight
    Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
    Dream

    I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
    Anytime night or day
    Only trouble is, gee whiz
    Im dreamin my life away

  109. Inspired by some recent posts and going slightly OT, I decided to start a “Songs of Seduction” (aka “Songs of Rumination”) playlist to help aspiring limerents achieve that exquisite twine that accompanies a good bout of rumination.

    Contemporary:

    “I’m Your Man” – Leonard Cohen (1988) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sr7H3WojqMM I wasn’t aware of this one but I’d have used it if I was and, if I’m ever back on the market, I’ll use it.

    “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” Robert Cray (1988) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqbWvsI1tEM I used this one.

    Romantic :

    Likely lost on many women today but still worth a shot if you’re going the romantic route.

    “Al-Di-La” Jerry Vale (1962) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTBMXx_392k

    [When it comes to seduction, I thought French was good but Italian is better.]

    “Love Me With All Your Heart” – The Ray Charles Singers (1964) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3nfqH4YDDM

    “More” – Andy Williams (1964) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw-EDPuPNR8

    One of the most romantic songs I’ve ever heard. Even as kid I loved this song.

    Add away!

    • Forgot this one:

      “Phantom of the Opera” Michael Crawford & Sarah Brightman (1986)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JJTdVrtaVs

      Kind of an odd choice but I think it could be really effective. It plays well with the darkness motif. Seduction works best in dim light.

      “Sing once again with me our strange duet
      My power over you grows stronger, yet…”

      No doubt who’s in charge here.

  110. “The Limerent Song” by Limerent Emeritus [With apologies to “The Whiffenpoof Song]

    “In those corners of our minds
    The place where LOs dwell
    To those intrusive, nagging, thoughts we love so well

    Sing the Limerents assembled with their glasses raised on high
    And the magic of their singing casts its spell

    Yes, the magic of their singing of the songs we love so well
    “Rumination” and “Reciprocation” and the rest
    We will serenade our LOs while life and voice shall last
    Then we’ll pass and be forgotten with the rest

    We’re poor little lambs who have lost our way
    Baa, baa, baa
    We’re little black sheep who have gone astray
    Baa, baa, baa

    Limerent songsters off on a spree
    Damned from here to eternity
    Lord have mercy on such as we
    Baa, baa, baa”

    Auditions now open for DrL’s “Living With Limerence Singers!” 🙂

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFD4kF3mMFY

  111. Here is a song that many limerents might associate with.

    Buzzcocks – Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve?)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Af7ayYIJ9w

    It talks about a fear of rejection, a desire to change the person so that they love you back the same way and the pain, plus some other stuff.

    • Also this song is quite a good one.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5XJ2GiR6Bo

      Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark – Enola Gay

      Even though the song is about the nuclear bombing of Hiroshima, it has many parallels to limerence with a manipulative LO or one that is super flirty and has no idea what they do to other people.

      It talks about the big impact they have on someone, how it feels like nothing or normal to them and the nuclear metaphor gives the whole thing the power that limerence really has on people.

  112. Three classics from the 60s:

    “Baby, I’m Yours” – Barbara Lewis (1965)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPy_At_97YM

    “Make Me Your Baby” – Barbara Lewis (1961)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0tKhxvCjDU

    “I Will Follow Him” Little Peggy March (1963)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jylY522Xx1k

    My best friend’s older sisters would listen to these over and over. Even then, I knew I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I’m sure my wife does but she’s an “I” MBTI profile so I’ll never hear her sing them.

    I’d love to be able to elicit that level of passion in a woman and hear her express it.

  113. The weather where I am is positively gorgeous. This cycled through my playlist and I just started moving to the beat.

    “Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega (1999)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK_LN3XEcnw

    “I do all to fall in love with a girl like you
    ‘Cause you can’t run and you can’t hide
    You and me gonna touch the sky”

    If you can’t work your LO’s, SO’s, or Crush’s name into this, you’re probably not trying.

  114. This one I listen to a lot. Reminds me it could be about limerence and how it is difficult to keep your head on straight and see the world as the reality it is and not what your limerent mind is trying to make you see. “It’s just a fantasy, but I can’t stop loving you.”

    “Cause I can’t stop loving you now
    I don’t even know how
    It’s just a fantasy
    But I can’t stop loving you
    I don’t even know how”

    Can’t Stop Loving You Now — Matthew Fisher
    https://youtu.be/h9LdNhcyC7s

    This one reminds me of what limerence can do to a person. At least it is to me. It’s the dark side of limerence that cuts at you day in and day out. Can’t get thoughts of LO out of your head. You might (I do) have a pissed off SO that is tired of the limerence and just wants it to go away or they threaten to leave. When you’ve done everything right with your limerence and LO but punished for your own thoughts by an angry SO.

    “Everything you give I want
    But I always take too much
    Everything you need I’m not
    Cause I’ll always be loveless
    I’m sorry I can’t give enough
    These scars they only leave me numb
    I’m paying for my own mistakes
    I’ve given all my feelings away
    Every time you hold me close
    I feel like you’re trying to save a broken soul
    I wish that there was more to say
    But I’ve given all my feelings away”

    Numb — Declan J Donavan
    https://youtu.be/h9LdNhcyC7s

  115. Then there’s the one where the sing is asking the “other woman advice on how to tell his long term partner about her. He laments the stability of the long term partner but alas is confronting the conundrum that “everything seems right whenever I’m with you”. Sounds like limerence to me.

    How Can I Tell Her About You — Lobo
    https://youtu.be/pFZ3vr4Eh6A

  116. Yeah, there’s a whole genre on this subject.

    “It’s Sad To Belong” – England Dan and John Ford Coley (1977)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R0T_gNFwd4

    Another poster linked this song somewhere above but I couldn’t find it, now.

    “Lips of an Angel” – Hinder (2005)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XpNkA9Akmg

    For you, that genie’s already out of the bottle.

    I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’ve seen long-term relationships end and people go on to subsequent happy relationships. What I can’t say that I’ve seen is subsequent happy relationships with LOs. LOs often don’t appear to be the “right one” no matter what us limerents think about them. It’s the nature of the beast.

    • Yeah both of those are good ones when it comes how limerence feels. My wife was really into Hinder when they first broke out and the first time I heard Lips of an Angel I liked it.

      Yeah it’s out there between the two of us. And I might be finding out sooner than later if I can get in a subsequent happy relationship if this one ends. Not that I would at that point probably be interested to try.

      I am at least lucky that the rational part of my brain could at least stayed out in front of limerence so I could continue to realize I was not good for LO. Sure I wished we could at least have found a mutual friendship. But that didn’t happen. And LO I am very confident is happy in the relationship she in and I need to leave it be.

      But my brain won’t. And I have a feeling my wife is reaching the limit to how much longer she will tolerate this limerence. And if she can’t tolerate it before it dissipates, well I want her to be happy too, and if that’s not with me, then she should move on. This limerence has taught me that relationship sometimes come and go and nothing is forever. My wife and LO are so important to me, that even if I am not in either of their lives anymore, if they are happy that’s all that matters to me. And my wife is not happy. She has taken of her wedding ring and only speaks to me of the functional things for day to day life. I guess we will see.

  118. L.E.

    Can’t remember if it was you that posted this song elsewhere there or if I found it some other way, but it is a song of limerence and a crooner (at least in my opinion) too.

    Am I That Easy To Forget — Englebert Humperdinck
    https://youtu.be/RKNowPf-UHY

  119. Song of the Day: “If You Could Read My Mind” – Gordon Lightfoot

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of4i1aaBXm8

    “The song “If You Could Read My Mind” was written in reflection upon his disintegrating marriage. At the request of his daughter, Ingrid, he performed the lyrics with a slight change: the line “I’m just trying to understand the feelings that you lack” is altered to “I’m just trying to understand the feelings that we lack.” He said in an interview that the difficulty with writing songs inspired by personal stories is that there is not always the emotional distance and clarity to make lyrical improvements such as the one his daughter suggested.” – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Lightfoot

    RIP Gordon!

  120. Wow, this is a fantastic hodge-podge of music on this blog. So much variety. Styled a lot in the way my actual LO playlist is. I can see I will be adding a ton of music to it now. Thanks to @Adam for letting me know about it.

    Allow me to share. This is one of the beginning tunes on my LO playlist.
    It has some killer LO lyrics.
    My favorites are,

    “How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. Its like a book elegantly bound but, in a language that you can’t read just yet.”

    “There are days outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass, then I long for this mirrored perspective, when we’ll be lovers, lovers at last.”

    Death Cab For Cutie-
    “I will possess your Heart”
    https://youtu.be/pq-yP7mb8UE

  121. MJ, I can definitely see that song applying to an LO. Especially the lyrics you quoted. “but in a language that you can’t read just yet” that’s limerence alright if I ever saw it. I’ve heard of them but I think this might be the first song of theirs that I have heard. Very talented musicians. I really liked that long instrumental opening.

    My playlist which is actually aptly titled “Guilty” has become, in this last year, a strange mix of songs about LO, songs that apply to both LO and my wife, and lastly songs just for my wife.

    This is one of them. A song she first played for me and I was kinda like meh. Than sometime down the road (this was years ago loooong before LO) I was driving home from work and it came on the radio and for some reason at that moment the lyrics really hit me almost to the point of tears. This will always be my wife’s song no matter what happens in the future. No other woman can possess this song.

    “I have faith in what I see
    now I know I have met an angel
    in person and she looks perfect
    I don’t deserve you
    you look perfect tonight”

    Perfect — Ed Sheeran
    https://youtu.be/cNGjD0VG4R8

    • You’re a better Man than I am Adam. Being able to mix songs on your playlist for both your Wife and LO.

      There are ton of LO type songs I would love to add to my LO playlist. But because they are so steeped in the memory of my ex, many of which I just have so many good memories associated with them, I simply can’t add them to LO playlist. Take for example, Prince. My ex adored Prince. We even saw him in concert. But that’s the reason Prince is forbidden on the LO playlist. His song ” the most beautiful girl in the world” would be so perfect for LO, but I just can’t add it. I can’t correlate the two of them being on the same memory train and I feel like it would be unfair to ex. Some things just belong to ex, no matter how I cut it. Whitney Houston, John Mellencamp and Human League are other ex favorites that can’t go on the LO playlist either.

      I’ll post another song on Sunday.

      • Omg Prince is one of my favorite artist ever. My wife and I, before we met in person (we initially met online) made each other mix tapes that we mailed to each other. I bet my mix tape to her was probably at least 50% Prince music. I don’t think any save maybe Pink Floyd in my mind could come close to his talent. And “Most Beautiful Girl In The World” was on her mix tape. But then so was “Peach” so ….. lol

        And I get that too. There are some songs that LO never won. They are and always will be my wife’s no matter where life takes me or this marriage goes.

        I was listening to my playlist of “oldies” Friday at work and a song came on that reminded me of LO and your LO. Especially your situation with your LO and I thought MJ probably knows this song being older than me but I still got to post it for him. I remember my father had some Frankie Valli 45’s I listened to a lot; December 1964 and Sherry in particular I remember. I don’t know if he had this record or I just discovered it myself or heard it on the radio.

        It’s crazy to hear the range in his voice from a song like Sherry in the 50’s to one of their 70’s favorite of mine Who Loves You. The man and the group were some very talented men. Love their sound throughout the years. I am surprised that my parents let me listen to December 1964 as conservative and religious as my upbringing was. I remember the day when I finally realized what the song was about lol This line gets me ….

        “though I never laid a hand on you
        my eyes adored you”

        My Eyes Adored You — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYtpKBNTCB8

  122. Just listened to this one and had to post it – this song is 100% about limerence!

    The Teskey Brothers – So Caught Up
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGcO3JFn0rE

    I’m so caught up
    I’m so caught up on you
    I’m so caught up
    I’m so caught up on you

    Even if I tried to change it
    I can’t
    My memory’s caught on you
    Even if I try to think of something new
    I can’t
    They’re all of you
    I’m denying
    The feeling of my mind
    The feeling of change
    There’s only one thing I can be certain
    It’s true

    I’m still caught on you
    ‘Cause I’m so caught up
    I’m so caught up on you
    I’m so caught up, baby

    Every time I try to shake it
    I can’t
    It’s impossible to do
    Even if I try to break it
    No I can’t
    A broken memory of you
    I’ve been to two hundred cities
    Not known where I am
    I’ve walked in the same direction
    Again and again
    Oh, baby
    You making me crazy

    You are always on my mind
    You are always on my mind, yeah

    ‘Cause I’m so caught up
    I’m so caught up on you
    I’m so caught up
    I’m so caught up on you

    • That is great song LiS. That was actually a song I listened to with my last gf (About a year or so before LO).
      I still associate it with her so naturally it won’t find its way to LO’s playlist. Lyrics are great though. A spot on.

  123. I’m not a big Radiohead fan but this song hits home when thinking of my LO. My heart is a mess wanting this person while having a SO. It feels endless. TY’s voice conveys understanding. We aren’t alone!
    Radiohead – House of Cards
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nTFjVm9sTQ
    “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover” <3

  124. This sounds great in the car at night
    @limerent_anon. Sorry your struggling now.
    Totally been there.

  125. This week, I’m posting a song I was listening to on a day I passed by LO and she gave me a 2nd look. It was awhile ago, but I was in another realm when our eyes met. This song will forever be meshed to that moment.. Such magic..

    To me, this song just fits perfect with so many emotions I’ve felt for her in 10 months. Not always good, and especially when she left. But limerence does the darndest things to mood.

    My favorite lines being,
    “I’m gonna find me, a hole in the wall
    I’m gonna crawl inside and die.
    Cause my Lady now,
    A mean ol Woman, Lord
    Never told me goodbye”

    Marshall Tucker Band-
    “Can’t you see”
    https://youtu.be/-48Za7VZR_c

  126. LiS

    I have never heard of the Teskey Brothers, but I like that song. I might have to check out more of their music. “A broken memory of you” That’s what they all seem to be like, broken, because I am not sure if I can actually remember what really happened and not what I was imaging.

    L.A.

    That might be my first Radiohead song. I’ve heard of them but at the height of their popularity and music like it was not on my radar. But the words definitely have a tinge of limerence to them. I got to wonder before the science was done and now even after due to information on it being scare, especially before the internet how many of these songs really about limerence. Songwriters who are ignorant of the term or research just trying to put into the lyrics what they are experiencing. Some of these songs resonate with limerence more than love.

    MJ

    I didn’t recognize the song title or band name but as soon as that music started I knew that I knew the song. Thanks for reminding me about it. Good song, and I totally see it differently now that I can relate.

    Now for my song to share. Yeah guys can make fun of me lol. His music is for socially awkward teenage girls. Lol. But I gave him a chance when this song came up in my youtube suggestions and I have been listening to more of his music. He’s talented playing both the guitar and piano.

    “starting to feel like you don’t need me
    want to believe it’s all for the better
    it’s getting real and I’m missing you deeply”

    When You’re Gone — Shawn Mendes
    https://youtu.be/6THINTPNiP8

    • I’m laughing but I’m not Adam, because I have socially awkward teenage girl music + a few boy bands on my LO playlist too. I’ll post some eventually, lol..

  127. Lucinda Williams – Something About What Happens When We Talk

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nbOrG4Sunic

    The thing I miss most now is the conversations LO and I used to have. The way we could talk for hours, effortlessly, never once running out of things to say to each other, so delighted to learn about each other and share about ourselves and to support each other through whatever was going on. The energy and the connection in every conversation. Goodness I miss that.

    I sent her this song fairly early in our relationship. She wrote back that “it’s like she’s singing from my soul”. If there was one song I’d call “our song” it would be this one.

    I know it’s for the best and it’s the only way, but I’ve just really spent today missing her and especially missing all the talks we used to have.

    • I like that song. Very soothing melody. For me that’s more of a song reminding me of my wife. Back in the 90’s when we met online I remember how much I couldn’t wait to get home and get online and chat or talk on the phone with her. We would talk for hours at a time in the evenings. I’d run up like a $1600 long distance phone bills because this was long before smart phones and unlimited long distance.

      With LO, unless it was work related, our conversations were more like …

      “yeah I know it’s kind of strange
      every time I’m near you
      I just run out of things to say
      I know you’d understand”

      I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song — Jim Croce
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpVDuemlW4Q

      If she would talk I could listen forever but always had a difficult time contributing to the conversation unless she directly asked me a question. Otherwise I would just listen if it was just her and me one on one or the whole office having a discussion. I might occasionally interject an ill timed “that’s what she said” joke that LO would either laugh at or look at me like “really?” 🙂

  128. Today’s song is for my wife and the immense amount of understanding she has had in this limerence situation. I have to really start making a concerted effort to show her giving me a second chance wasn’t wasted. That she can have faith that I can come out of this, we can come out of this. Possible for the better for both of us.

    “I was chasing a fantasy
    and hurting the one
    that would never hurt me
    this time I know it’s real
    God only knows
    I’ve been so lonely with out you
    give me the chance to heal
    please take me back
    can’t go living without your love”

    This Time I Know It’s Real — Norman Saleet
    https://youtu.be/79TNLSfO9sQ

    • Thanks Bro,

      Yep, that one definitely just about hits every nail, right on the head.

      Adding it to her playlist. It’s perfect.
      Thanks again 😄

  131. For today’s Sunday music post, a song about missing someone. Heard this one a few days ago and thought of you Adam. Your posts were great last week. So deep..
    Perhaps you should write a book. I’ll Co-Author it with you if you’d like.

    For anyone missing your LO today..

    William Prince-
    “When you miss somone”
    https://youtu.be/TxVzg0F4fcU

    • If you co-author be prepared for plenty of grammar and spelling errors lol. I often read through my posts 3 times before posting to make sure I am being coherent. As far as my posts go in general it just depends on when you catch me sober or not. I tend to be a bit more objective sober and sentimental when drinking.

      I like the song and can relate. Missing someone, anyone, LO or not is difficult. But especially with her. Trying to understand the reasons that someone has decided to leave your life is painful. Sometimes we don’t understand that maybe it is for the best for us. Maybe they did what was difficult from them to, for our benefit. It’s hard to tell because we are in the moment of “LO isn’t here” and we are not thinking clearly.

  132. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AckhnLpwceM

    Atmosphere – “Sunshine”

    Adam, this song made me think of you when I heard it today, at first because of the line “every woman looks better in a sundress” – I think I remember you saying something similar once 😀

    Also, the song is literally about shaking off a hangover and getting outside to exercise (Ms Lovisa will approve), and metaphorically it’s about shaking off whatever happened in the past to enjoy the present.

    Enjoy!

    • Its funny you posted this here and now. Approaching a year since LO left I didnt have a good Memorial Day. I usually dont drink so much to get hungover but to say today was a long day trying recover would be an understatement.

      But Im on better side of feeling better enough to eat. And this song helped improve my mood so thank you for posting it.

      And yes a woman in a sundress …. oh boy!

  133. Want Me Around – Jakob Nelson and the Promise of the Real (Willie’s son – he sounds so much like his dad it’s unreal)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2aGqKtPsd8

    To me, this verse is the perfect description of healthy love (not limerence):

    And I don’t need you for my joy
    I’ve already found mine
    I found it in the way I breathe
    The way I keep time
    I only want you by my side
    To share this love
    Feel the rhythm ride the tide
    And rise above

    I discovered this song recently and have been listening to it a lot – it’s just so freakin beautiful. There are parts of it that make me think of LO, and parts that make me think of SO. A few months ago, I would have sent it to LO and told her that it made me think about her. Instead, I played it for SO the other night while we were cuddled up in bed, and she loved it and we snuggled up together listening to it – so now it’s forever an SO song instead of an LO song. Yay, I did something right!

    Here’s a question for all of you who, like me, communicate your feelings by sharing songs. For you, is it one person per song? I mean, I have songs I’ve shared with SO, and songs I’ve shared with LO, and there’s no overlap – I’d never send a song to LO and then also send it to SO. It would just feel so wrong! So unfaithful! Is it like that for the rest of you too? Or does anyone here engage in musical polyamory and share the same song with multiple people?

    • All of the songs on my LO playlist have pretty much been welded to her. There are some songs that remind me of my Ex Wife, but never exclusively. Same goes for certain songs that remind me of old gfs. They probably won’t make LO playlist either. Certain artists like Prince, Sugar Ray, John Mellencamp, and Whitney Houston belong to the Ex only, and will never make LOs playlist. Just can’t correlate the 2 together. And it does feel unfair.

      At this point, I have about 200 songs on my LO playlist. And it’s always growing. It is the largest playlist I’ve ever made for a Girl.

    • I’ve never sent the same song to my SO or LOs but I’ve said the same lyric from one song to all of them.

      “Nations go to war over women like you” to my wife, LO #2, LO #4, a former co-worker and my dental hygienist. Every one of them liked it.

      “Strut” – Sheena Easton (1984)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSp0kO-NBWw

    • Great question! I think my associations stick to one person. I remember a moment during a long run when I used memories of LO3 to motivate myself forward. Then, I realized I was in a place where I had only been once and it was with a different running friend. LO3 left my mind immediately and I focused on my friend (a 23-year-old man, btw, I am not attracted to him, but I like him very much). I used thoughts of my friend to push myself forward. Then, a song came on that my SO sings to me (my SO’s voice is remarkable). I used thoughts of my SO to motivate me. It’s interesting how each person left my thoughts when a trigger reminded me of another person. I liked using my SO as motivation so much that I played that song over and over.

      I hope that answers your question.

      Forgive me. I’ve got running on the brain. I did 17+ miles today with just under 3,000 ft of elevation gain and I hit the wall around mile 10. It was hard! I am exhausted. But the mountain flowers were so pretty. It was worth the effort. It’s always worth the effort. I’m just so tired. I should have eaten better before I left. I lost 5 pounds. I’m so tired. I forgot your question. I probably shouldn’t comment when I’m tired. I’ll probably regret this, but I’m hitting the “post comment” button anyway.

  134. “Or does anyone here engage in musical polyamory and share the same song with multiple people?”

    My “limerence playlist” has songs both exclusively for both my wife and LO and some songs that overlap. Elton John’s “Sacrifice” and Lobo’s “How Can I Tell Her” both concern my wife and LO in the situation we were all in.

    A song my wife has come to hate that I still listen to, but I do with headphones cause I ain’t stupid being married 23 years, since I listened to it a lot before I disclosed to her about my limerence and LO that will always be LO’s song; “Who Am I To Stand In Your Way” by Chester See. Which is about the singer choosing to take a step back and let her choose the man she wants, not him, but despite that he won’t stand in her way. I know she hates it because she knows LO is on my mind when I listen to it.

    While “When I Look Into Your Eyes” by Firehouse will always be my wife’s song. I sent it to her on a physical mix tape back in 1999 before we got married. Even when I added to my playlist and would listen to it, I might think of LO for a second but then the words would ring true for my wife not LO.

    My “limerence playlist” is an amalgam of my fight in my head for my wife and LO. Most of the songs I have known for years LO could never steal from my wife. Lots of the songs that are LO’s are songs I have recently discovered in the last two years of my limerence. Those will always be LO’s whether I can stop listening to them or not.

    Though I will admit Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” is somewhat relatable more than it ever had before in all the years I have known the song.

      • I like that. It is a catchy song. “Tempted by the fruit of another.” How true. And how painful.

        Just as I was coming in to check on some posts I had my oldies playlist on shuffle and this came on just as I was reading your comment. I’ve know this song a long time and always liked it for the music and harmony. Now it’s the lyrics that stand out.

        “why oh why did you have leave and go away?
        I’ve been used to having someone to lean on
        and now I’m lost”

        Have You Seen Her — Chi-lites
        https://youtu.be/xVYxKRXDT2I

  135. I can’t do the link thing but:

    This one way love affair ain’t fair
    It ain’t no affair to me
    Its all give and take
    And you just take
    And I can’t take it you see

    Well, I’ve given up on love this time
    Me and my friends will do just fine

    I’ve done everything for you
    You’ve done nothing for me

    Rick Springfield “I’ve Done Everything For You”

    Nick

    • Reminds me of this song, that I have played a lot since the limerence in the last two years. (I think the only Rick Springfield song I know is Jessie’s Girl. And way back in my early 20’s I had a major crush on a gal I worked with and her boyfriend was named …. yup you guessed it …. Jessie lol )

      One Sided Love Affair — Ray Park Jr
      https://youtu.be/Oe5ZjgCSH-Q

      Mary, you don’t know how much you mean to me
      If you did you’d never ever make me feel this way
      Mary, you don’t know how much I care for you
      If you did I’d know you wouldn’t make me hurt this way
      Now I realize you may not feel the same for me
      Or are you trying to hide how much you care
      Have you thought about how hard this is for me
      To live in this one sided love affair
      Mary, you don’t know how much I feel for you
      If you did you’d never ever make me feel this way
      For you have to know I care, baby
      Cause everything I’ve ever said or done
      Should let you know that you’re the one
      Now you have to know you’re more than just a friend to me
      Are you using me or are you just don’t aware
      Mary, can’t you see that this is hard for me
      To live in this one-sided love affair
      Now you know that in your heart
      You feel the same for me, baby
      You’re just trying to hide how much you care
      Oh, let me in your heart or just let me be
      But put an end to this one-sided love affair…

  136. Adam

    “Reminds me of this song, that I have played a lot since the limerence in the last two years. (I think the only Rick Springfield song I know is Jessie’s Girl. And way back in my early 20’s I had a major crush on a gal I worked with and her boyfriend was named …. yup you guessed it …. Jessie lol )”

    Man, I’m a big RS fan and my best friend is Jesse. I soooo want him to have a girl that I’m into, but alas not. But that would be so cool. It would be worth the pain of limerence…

    Here’s another RS song that fits my limerence.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvVFAZ5nmPo

    “Beautiful You”

    Met her on a Monday, I probably should have stayed in bed
    But Cupid came to stay, and he set up shop inside my head

    [Chorus:]
    Beautiful you
    You don’t have a clue
    You star in the story of my life
    Beautiful you
    Beautiful you
    You took me down on my own knife

    Bareback, my black, bloody celebration day
    On your body, thank God I never had the nerve to say

    [Chorus:]
    Beautiful you
    You don’t have a clue
    You star in the story of my life
    Beautiful you
    Beautiful you
    You took me down on my own knife

    And you make me feel
    But I thought it was real
    Beautiful you

    Feels like a Sunday I think I’ll just stay in bed

    [Chorus:]
    Beautiful you
    You don’t have a clue
    You star in the story of my life
    Beautiful you
    Beautiful you
    You took me down on my own knife

    [Chorus:]
    Beautiful you
    You don’t have a clue
    You are the writer in my head
    Beautiful you
    Beautiful you
    You took me down on my bed

    Feels like a Monday I think I’ll just stay in bed

    Nick

    • Coming home from work I saw a billboard that Rick Springfield is having a concert here and I immediately thought of you Nick.

  138. For today’s Sunday music post, a song about beautiful blue eyes.

    Saw a lot of posting on eye contact last week. Plus I saw my LO and her beautiful blue eyes. So I think of her on this one..

    Captain Beefheart-
    “Her eyes are a blue million miles”
    https://youtu.be/MRlWbzdmJQA

  139. I was just listening to my “oldies” playlist and it dawned on me this song could very well be about limerence. All the distress he describes from lack of sleep to intrusive thoughts. To the line “I’m afraid I’m not sure of a love there is no cure for” really hit home.

    I Think I Love You — The Partridge Family
    https://youtu.be/bb4FMn-IWEY

    • I sang this regularly to myself while walking back to my office after talking to my LO! David Cassidy RIP

      Nick

    • It’s been linked before.

      LO #4 said that she loved that song. I’d love to think she thought of me when she said it but not likely.

      Here are a few more from The Partridge Family. They’re surprisingly dangerous.

      “I Woke Up In Love This Morning” – (1971)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-pzPcPhAgg

      “I’ll Meet You Half Way” – (1971)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiPdnRvIua8

      “Doesn’t Somebody Want to Be Wanted” – (1971)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByTNWvmTGdM

      • I like the “I Woke Up In Love This Morning”. I’ve never really listened to much of the Partridge Family. My folks had the “I Think I Love You” 45 so that’s why I know and like it. I listened to it a lot as a kid.

        Something my wife and I were talking about last night reminded me that I hadn’t listened to a song I wore out when I first heard it …. not necessarily a limerence song but one that is just as catchy as “I Think I Love You”.

        Sugar Sugar — The Archies
        https://youtu.be/4wUlBhnxOX4

        • Ah, The Archies…

          Nothing like listening to Bubble Gum music on AM on a tinny transistor radio.

          You never heard stuff like The Partridge Family or The Archies on FM in the 70s. FM was too cool for those.😎

    • I love that song! Thanks for introducing me to it. I’ll check out more of The Partridge Family music.

  140. On the subject of music. Yesterday at work I was listening to one of my playlists and I’ve listened to them so much that mostly I know what song is after another. And I noticed a song that should have been next didn’t play next. So I checked to make sure it didn’t have shuffle on and low and behold the song was not at all on my playlist. Come to figure out, though I don’t remember doing it, I removed the song from my playlist because it is the one song of all the songs I listen to that can is about LO and no one else and my wife hates when I listen to it. So I guess in a moment of clarity I erased it off my playlist.

  141. For those who cannot let go.

    Harvey and the Moonglows-
    “Sincerely”
    https://youtu.be/QzoohKxQfZY

    “Oh Lord, won’t you tell me why, I love that girly so,
    She doesn’t want me, though I’ll never never, never never, let her go..”

      • Another Mowtown Classic:

        “Everybody Plays the Fool” – The Main Ingredient (1972)

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xJ84ZhYS6k

        “Okay, so your heart is broken
        You sit around mopin’
        Cryin’ and cryin’
        You say you’re even thinkin’ about dyin’
        Well, before you do anything rash, dig this…”

        • “How can you help it
          when the music starts to play
          and your ability to reason is swept away
          heaven on earth is all you see
          you’re out of touch with realiy”

      • I like that one Adam, been forever since I heard it..

        Thought of you when I heard this one earlier. Was looking for a different track off this album, when this one came up. It’s a really nice song. Thought you said LO had green eyes.

        Coldplay-
        “Green eyes”
        https://youtu.be/waKvorfmuB8

        • Yes those emeralds that are her eyes. Shining like gems. I like the song. Never listened to Coldplay before. Thanks MJ.

  142. I can’t remember which blog had all the comments about older women/younger men but I read this.

    https://resources.arcamax.com/newspics/cache/lw600/247/24704/2470460.jpg

    OT: Darrin Bell is also the creator of Candorville. I sent one of his books to LO #4 as a birthday present. For an extra fee, he’d sketch something on the inside cover. I linked a picture of her and asked him to put it in Dr. Noodle’s sketchbook. I know that she got it, I have no idea is she kept it.

    https://candorville.com/comics/2010-07-04-mother.jpg

  143. Lol I literally married my mother in personality and appearance. I guess I can’t help being mothered. Freud would be proud.

    • Adam, that confirms my theory that straight men go straight from the bosom of their mother into the bosom of their wife. I’ve seen it in my own family……

  144. This evening I am half-way through the David Lean 1945 film “Brief Encounter”. It’s delightfully British and it just seems to sum up limerence…. I’m watching every little gesture and it’s so terribly terribly good… a distraction. I think I see myself as Celia Johnson but without a husband.

  148. And for the lady limerents…

    Upside Down — Diana Ross

    “As long as the sun continues to shine
    There’s a place in my heart for you
    That’s the bottom line”

    • Here is a song that I like to pretend LO is singing to me. I think it’s cute.
      Some of the lyrics especially..

      “I just moved into your head, gonna stay here for awhile. ”

      “I see when you think of me, you silly little freak..”

      renforshort-
      “Mind Games”
      https://youtu.be/i5EVSgkdtJo

  149. Whenever I’m in an LE these days I sing a certain song … a lot! It’s the Baker’s Wife’s song from Sondheim’s Into The Woods. I put particular emotion behind the lines “Must it all be either less or more, Either plain or grand, Is it always OR, Is it never AND…”

    • Hi C for cat, I been thinking about you this week and wondering how you’ve been doing… have things gotten a little better since last time you posted or is it still feeling pretty rough?
      -LiS

      • Oh thank you, that’s so kind. I did post under the Affairs post but there are so many comments that I think it dropped out of the ‘recent’ list too quickly for anyone to see it. Either that or I’m so boring and beyond hope that everyone just rolled their eyes 😉

        It’s really hard; I’m not feeling as devastated as I was last week because we talked for the first time properly over the phone the next day, just trying to work out how we go forward seeing each other and having to have physical contact. We both seem to feel the same way, which made me feel better – but we agreed we have to stop doing anything that can feed our mutual attraction. I don’t know how it will work; certainly we don’t have any opportunity at the moment unless we plan it, which we won’t do. We’re both questioning our current situations – I’m fairly used to that but it’s the first time for him so a bit scary.

        I want to stop this feeling but I also love it; I’m thinking about him more now than I did before, which is really difficult. I’ve resorted to singing a cheery song if I start thinking about him, to try not to slip into reverie and fantasy, which is such a dangerous place for me.

        To be honest, I think his feelings will fade before mine do. But that’s for the best isn’t it.

        Do you know, I think the worst bit of it is that I almost feel this is my last chance – for someone to find me attractive and to get that flirty, desiring thing. I’m 50 now and that feels like a much bigger deal than turning 30 or 40.

        Thanks for thinking of me, LiS x

        • Bumping for LiS because comments disappear from the list so quickly, so I’m getting in here before the US wakes up, which is where I think most people are from. And happy 4th of July to those people!

        • Thanks C for cat – these posts do fall off the main page way too fast.

          Am I correct about something? Was this the first time you developed limerence for a guy who reciprocated, but didn’t allow it to progress to a PA and ruin your relationship with your SO? If I remember right, that was your struggle when you first posted here… If so, that’s actually a big deal! Certainly it doesn’t feel like a victory right now, but I think in the future you might actually look back at this as something to celebrate.

          Also, I’ll add that I worked in nursing homes for a couple of years when I was younger, so I can report from direct observations that the flirty desiring thing NEVER goes away – for many people, it’s part of the human condition from start to finish. It certainly doesn’t end at 50!

          Happy Independence Day!
          -LiS

        • Thanks LiS, unfortunately not really… I am trying but it did progress a bit physically due to an unexpected opportunity before either of us had time to think about the new revelation of each others’ feelings… Urk. But only once and I’m trying really hard now.

        • C for cat,

          I know everyone will have different opinions about this, but for me, if my SO had a sexual encounter with another man, and it was a one time thing or a brief fling, AND it was over AND she was committed to it being over AND she was working on herself to prevent more episodes in the future, then I would not want to know anything about it and would strongly prefer her never to tell me.

          If any of those things were not the case, then I think I’d want her to tell me, so that we could either work on what was missing in our relationship, or renegotiate the terms of our relationship, or end it. Just my thoughts on a really difficult issue.

          But like you said, you’re trying really hard to get better, and that’s the most important thing and that’s really all any of us can do.

  150. Thanks for your honesty, LiS. The thought of telling my SO is utterly abhorrent. I am his absolute life I’m determined to work on myself this time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I already have a lot more tools thanks to this blog. And I’m going to start therapy. And I did mention to my SO the other day that he never compliments me and the day before yesterday he gave me a sweet kiss out of nowhere, which he never does. I just need to work out what I want and how to either get that in my relationship or not have it at all.

    • Hi C is for Cat,

      I think you might like the work of some relationship experts to strengthen your long term relationship. Here are a few samples from YouTube.

      https://youtu.be/RX8vhaqT1Lc
      Alison Armstrong

      https://youtu.be/mJtgMD86Uq0
      John Gray

      If you use their techniques, you become a magnet. Here are some more that I like.

      https://youtu.be/QPhJlpwmRbI
      Brian Nox

      https://youtu.be/wTj-xybffdM
      Mat Schaffer

      https://youtu.be/JdaNmF-vtnc
      Matthew Hussey

      https://youtu.be/zMOv2bLtT1A
      Mat Boggs

      Be careful! When you master relationship skills, they leak out of you even when you don’t mean to be alluring. Try really hard not to be intentionally alluring to your LO. Use this stuff on your SO instead.

      Good luck!

    • C for cat, that sounds like a good combination – protecting yourself against future limerence experiences with the tools here, working with your therapist to address the things that are missing in your relationship with yourself, and actively working on your relationship with your SO, including finding ways to ask for what you want and need from him. Do you think there’s any way you and him could work with a couples counselor as well? My SO and I have been doing that for the past few months and it’s really strengthened our relationship a lot. I know it can be hard to suggest couples counseling if your SO thinks the relationship is fine and would be totally blindsided, but maybe you could find a way to bring it up?

      • Thanks LiS; it would almost certainly help but like you say, I don’t know how I’d suggest it. Maybe I’ll try therapy on my own first and see how that goes. I’m really glad it’s helped your own relationship.

        • Yeah, it can be tough to bring up couples counseling when you can’t tell your partner your real motivation for requesting it. In my case, it helped that my SO and I had gone through some bad times a year prior (in part due to my previous EA that she did know about), and we’d gone to marriage counseling at that time, so it was easier for me to just be like “you know, things aren’t feeling great between us lately and I just don’t want us ending up in that bad place again – what do you think about having some more sessions with our counselor now, rather than waiting until things get worse?” She was kinda surprised when I said that, but not really, because she could also sense that we’d been feeling more disconnected and there was something strained and lacking, so she was happy to restart counseling (and I never had to tell her that my most immediate reason was that I was in another EA and on the brink of a PA and really wanted to save our marriage).

          Do you think your SO feels like things are totally fine in your relationship? Or do you think he can sense things aren’t great and/or that you aren’t totally happy? Would he be completely blindsided by a suggestion of couples counseling?
          If he had found out about you and your LO, would it have been a complete shock? Or would there be some part of him that suspected something was off?

  151. Thanks Lovisa, much appreciated. I don’t think it’s that my LO isn’t attracted to me, it’s that he doesn’t show affection much. His family are very much ‘stiff upper lip”. My SO, on the other hand, is very tactile and affectionate with everyone. But I will definitely look at the videos.

  152. Argh, that should be SO and LO the other way round, why do I keep getting that seeing!

    • Cat I spent so much time on infertility/pregnancy/parenting boards, that all the abbreviations I see mean something else in my brain. I’m going to have to try to parallel them. Fortunately, SO is the one that remains the same on both.

  153. Oh my god, seriously. I think I need my brain examining today. Bloomin’ autocorrect. Should say ‘wrong’, not ‘seeing’.

  154. C4Cat

    Your dilemma reminded me of a song. I similarly came up in a household that sounds a lot like your husband’s. I was similarly bad at showing affection to my wife when we first got together. Hell it took ten years into our marriage before I could comfortably voice myself in regards to our physically intimacy. So I am not one at all to preach on showing affection.

    Last night, with all the fireworks due to the 4th, I ended up on such high alert to be diligent to be beside her (due to her PTSD from the noise) that I didn’t sleep till 3am this morning. She held my hand until she fell asleep. Sometimes cutting off the circulation of blood lol Wait, where am I going with this …. oh, since those years ago I am much better at showing affection. It seems so natural now that I wonder what was with me before.

    When I mentioned ten years into our marriage …. my wife asked me one night if there was something that I had thought about regarding our intimacy. I was so afraid to say it. But when I did she was like “okay” like it was not the big deal I made it in my head. In that moment much of my apprehension about the subject went away. All because that subject was never open in the house I grew up in so I had no idea how to handle it. Just the ramblings of a man that wished he had taken a vacation day today.

    Also your post reminded me of this song. (In proofreading I see I already mentioned that from the start.) One I really like and can relate to. Even before LO. There was a waaaaaaaaaaay out of my league gal I absolutely was steamrolled by that went to our church. I grew up with her for the most part but wow the woman she turned into. I was pretty transparent in trying to get my point across to her. If I was ever limerent with another woman besides LO she was the one. But she did not have similar feelings. And it felt like all the time and money spent for her was wasted. She broke my heart. She was the last woman I pursued until I met my wife online. Haha my bait worked with my wife at least lol Wondering if she regrets that lol

    Can’t You Feel My Love — Matthew Fisher
    https://youtu.be/tY-ePCSvtmA

  155. I can’t remember if I posted it, but it came up on my playlist in shuffle and it got to me to thinking, I’ve been this way even without the limerence around some women in my time. I think the only reason I wasn’t with my wife is that we talked online when first met so I had time to think about what I said. But this song still reminded me of limerence.

    Don’t Know What To Say — Ric Segerto
    https://youtu.be/bpGG2GV2A_k

  156. Thanks Adam – it makes perfect sense that you didn’t know how to handle talking about intimacy, if you never did it growing up. Emotions were a no-no in my house; it was very much ‘stiff upper lip’, so I’ve always deflected with humour or bottled it all up until it explodes. I’m glad you were able to learn how to share your views and needs regarding intimacy with your wife.

    Nice song 🙂

  157. MJ, C4Cat

    I was driving home from taking my son to his lady friend’s house and a song came on in my playlist shuffle that reminded me of you two. I’ve read some of your recent conversations and I was like this is totally them two. Apologizes MJ for my presumption in this song relating to you in particular. But if I ever get the courage (sober or drunk) to do karaoke I would sing this to Momma.

    “all you fellows can look all you like
    but this girl you see is leaving here with me tonight”

    *wink wink* you two (I am totally not sober and am going to probably regret this post in the morning)

    Also dude was blind and played the guitar on his lap. *mindblow*

    Angel Eyes — Jeff Healey Band
    https://youtu.be/kag0TsZzxpw

    • Thanks for thinking of “us” Adam.
      Been forever since I heard that one.
      Didn’t it come out in the 90s??

      • MJ, late 80s, around the time Jeff Healey was in Road House with Patrick Swayze. 😉 My brain is slightly crammed with Musical Trivia.

    • Awww, look Dear, we already have a song. Too bad we’re nowhere close to each other now, otherwise I’d ask you to dance with me..

      • I would almost certainly tread on your toes or fall over so you’re probably better off 😉

  161. I heard Dolly Parton’s ‘here I go again’ on the radio this morning and it fits perfectly with my ‘struggling to get over this while seeing my LO a lot’ situation at the moment

  162. One of my favorites on LOs playlist.
    S/O to Adam since I know you’re struggling today..

    “I don’t want to lose you Baby
    And I don’t want to be alone
    Don’t want to live my days without
    you
    But for now I’ve got to be without
    you”

    Lenny Kravitz-
    “Can’t get you off my mind”
    https://youtu.be/ZDhMkHfTdTc

    • I dont know much of his music other than his “American Woman” cover and “Fly Away” but that was a nice song. It was almost an amalgam of rock and country to my ears.

      I hate that I love this song. My parents had a 45 of it. I listened to it a lot. I liked the melody. When the drums come in. Lobo’s melancholy voice. Now I hate liking it.

      How Can I Tell Her — Lobo
      https://youtu.be/pFZ3vr4Eh6A

  163. When limerence fades away, some of us feel sad and lonely; but then we feel we can survive it and feel strong again:
    Songs for both occasions:

    “You don’t have to say you love me” ( Dusty Springfield/Lyrics)

    Left alone w just a memory/life seems dead and so unreal/ all that’s left is loneliness/there’s nothing left to feel….

    And:

    “I will survive” , Gloria Gaynor

    Yes! You will survive! You choose the state of mind you want to keep…

  164. I found this beautiful song a few months ago.. It’s about loss and its sad, but I like it..

    How can you just walk out on me
    Without a trace?
    I don’t hear the sound of your voice
    I can’t see your face
    On one side of the coin, there’s a cure
    But on the other there’s a curse
    Well, I’m living in the larger world now
    Where work brings worth
    … To the things we choose to care about
    So what is life like for me now?
    No more easy victories of youth
    Just the things we choose to care about
    … I know that I’ve more than I will ever need
    But I’ve learned that it does nothing to stop
    The reoccurrence of greed
    And there ain’t enough whiskey in this world
    To ease a tormented mind
    So, I’m longing for that place in my dreams
    Where light brings life
    … To the things that we choose to care about
    So what is life like for me now?
    No more easy victories of youth
    Just the things that we choose to care about
    … Your memory
    It’ll remain
    Always and forever
    As winter fades
    What still remains
    Always
    … Just the things that we choose to care about
    So what is life like for me now?
    No more easy victories of youth
    Just the things that we choose to care about..

    “Things we choose to care about”-
    City And Colour
    https://youtu.be/7Y-2LLYiMFk

    • Good morning MJ

      That’s really a pretty sad song. Funny, at the beginning of my limerence I only wanted to hear sad songs that would match my feelings and sentiments .And I would cry and get relief. Specially since I’m an old lady I got stuck with the song : “

      “Yesterday, when I was young” sings- Shirley Bassey.

      Nowadays , while still “in “ most of the time, I feel I have to shake this thing off no matter what; I avoid listening to sad songs now, once in a while I do backslide. Unfortunately , most of the songs written are either about falling in love or breaking up. I guess we go on various heavy and light
      stages of sadness and loneliness . Rollercoaster! But, yes, we will Survive! We have to! Be strong, have a good day. Blessings.

      • Thank you Nisor. That one has really grown on me lately. I can match with its mood completely. Sad songs just resonate so well with me anymore.

    • That is an excellent song Cordelia. Infact it is on my LO playlist too. I just haven’t got down that far on the list to post it here yet. Now I don’t have to. The lyrics do bring limerence to mind. An excellent choice.

      PS, I listen to CBC music. Always hearing something good there. Love “Q” in the mornings. “Drive” on afternoons and “Nightstream” in the evenings.

      • I only discovered Bob Moses recently but love their music.
        I’m on the other side of the world so CBC music won’t play here.
        I lived in Canada many years ago but that was in my carefree, pre-child days.

        • No unfortunately not. The page comes up and I can listen to some things but those pages are saying not available in my region.
          Ah well 🤷‍♀️
          I have plenty more limerence music on my playlists. Not that I chose them for the lyrics. It just seems that so many songs have lyrics that pretty much describe limerence.

  167. My conversations with Call Me Cordelia last week got me doing some heavy thinking. This new song comes to mind. If I could sing this to LO, I totally would. I can identify with the lyrics so well.

    verse 1 ★
    Laying here waiting for sleep to take me
    But that dream just hasn’t been coming lately
    And my thoughts are left to their own devices
    They tend to drift toward what might have been

    ★ chorus ★
    Ooo
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    Is it something that i’ve been holding on just to lose?
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?

    ★ verse 2 ★
    Sometimes it feels like i feel things too much
    I hold back my heart like it’s too hot to touch
    And you can believe it’s the last thing i want
    To put any more space in between us

    ★ chorus ★
    Ooo
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    Is it something that i’ve been holding on just to lose?
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    To get to you

    ★ bridge ★
    Lend me your, lend your ear
    And i’ll tell you any sеcret that you want to hear hold
    Lend mе your, lend me your voice
    And sing with me until we drown out the noise hold
    Lend me your, lend me your eye
    And pull into focus what i couldn’t find
    Lend me your, lend me your mind
    Cuz here with you i don’t feel lonely tonight and you
    ★ outro ★
    (am i running, am i running, am i running)
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    Is it something that i’ve been holding on just to lose?
    (am i running, am i running, am i running)
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    To get to you

    Ooo
    (am i running, am i running, am i running)
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    Is it something that i’ve been holding on just to lose?
    (am i running, am i running, am i running)
    Am i running out of ways to get to you?
    To get to you

    Am i running out of ways?

    Jordan Hart-
    “Get to you”
    https://youtu.be/pZ1zn9lj4ss

    • Those lyrics are spot on!
      Is it something I’ve been holding on just to lose?

      From the other page – I know it’s hard. I remember when I finally told LO how I felt. But then I was plagued by night terrors which made a pretty compelling case for me to get my head sorted or forever fear sleep.

      • That’s the exact line that drew me in. Makes so much sense. Like what am I doing all this for, if I never do anything about it.

  168. For all of you suffering this week. I used to listen to this a lot…
    Seven Lions
    senseless
    https://youtu.be/N6z6o5EvL3s

    I kinda like the way it feels
    When you give me that fix
    Just one more hit baby please
    So tell me baby if it’s real
    Can’t tell if I’m addicted
    Or if we’re really in this
    One touch
    One touch
    Losing my senses
    Until I’m senseless

  169. This week’s post is an underrated classic..

    “I’ll do anything to hold you
    I’ll go anywhere to touch you
    I’ll do anything you want me to
    If you just stay with me awhile”

    Journey-
    “Stay awhile”
    https://youtu.be/BUKBoGEHCVo

    • That’s really nice. One of their better ballads before Steve Perry’s departure. I think I must have danced to this one with my now Ex at countless wedding receptions, back in the day. It was popular.

  171. Today’s music post is from the 80’s.
    Who remembers this band?
    Love these lyrics..

    “I’m gonna follow you
    Anywhere you go
    And when I make you mine
    Won’t ever let you go”

    Icehouse-
    “Love in Motion”
    https://youtu.be/NVKTZ7A7Uc0

  172. This song came on while I am sitting here at my desk in a mix that youtube made based on what I have been listening to and it made me immediately think of MJ and his LO. I’ve known the song for years and always enjoyed it’s vibe.

    “Hey there sugar dumplins
    let me tell you something
    girl I’ve been trying to say
    you look so sweet
    and you’re so doggone fine
    I just can’t get you out of my mind
    you’ve become a sweet taste in my mouth now
    and I want you to be my spouse”

    Groove Me — King Floyd
    https://youtu.be/5DlsfUinzwA

    • @Adam, you must have known I was going to see LO today. She was at work early and in my building checking her inventory. My mood has been all over the place as a result. I’m still out of my mind, she’s so perfect. Like Mucho Caliente!!
      This song is just icing on that cake.

      Thanks for thinking of me Friend. Adding yet another one to her playlist. It’s out of control. 220+ songs and counting..

  175. Oh boy, I’ve just got that “dopamine fix” with the delicious memory —- after the glimmer and before limerence (with the Phantom in my fuzzy head). Am I in unrequited limerence with my own fantasy or the Phantom?

    Nothing in my reality can be further away from the song —

    https://youtu.be/_ImM_L5uPow?si=TiVmkzcG9_sELd2g

  176. So I hooked my phone into the bluetooth in the truck last night accompanying my wife to the store (I was in no condition to drive) last night and the playlist picks up where I left off listening to it. I’ve posted this before …

    Let Her Go — Passenger
    https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA?si=gGhlml1ADlZkkLTH

    “Why do you torture yourself?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Why do you torture yourself? What playlist is this on? Guilty?” (the name of my limerence playlist)

    I don’t remember a lot of the conversation but I am glad we had it. We actually talked more than once this weekend about LO and limerence and our marriage. Music has been the most difficult thing to separate from in regards to limerence. Some songs, especially the ones I already knew before it, are hard to not think of LO. The songs I have found inside of limerence, some are easy to let go, others not so much. To put into perspective the first four songs of “Guilty” the playlist I started way back in 2021.

    Sacrifice — Elton John
    https://youtu.be/NrLkTZrPZA4?si=58mwCANa5Z_0No7l

    How Can I Tell Her — Lobo
    https://youtu.be/tDUoWlEvZgQ?si=GuGtDa4yUG4fVKN8

    Don’t Give Up On Us — David Soul
    https://youtu.be/YY8APrYU2Gs?si=OZdJ2fRJbjuc2ZPg

    And then “Let Her Go”. Even in the beginning my brain was trying to tell me something. Every song about betrayal. And the start of that “guilty” playlist is riddled with songs of .. well guilt.

    “Torn Between To Lovers”, “Talking In Your Sleep”, “Friends & Lovers”, “Sweet Surrender”, “Let’s Stop Before We Fall In Love”, etc

    I think the only unbiased song I have in that playlist is “That’s What Friends Are For.” Otherwise it’s just a landmine of guilt I punish myself with. If it doesn’t make me feel guilty about my feelings for LO it makes me feel guilty for what I have done to my wife.

    The conversations we had this weekend felt good. Well at least now. Then not so much as I really misconstrued an aspect of our relationship that my wife made quite clear to me. It was really helpful to understand more about what I thought I knew that I really didn’t know a damn thing about. Maybe we will actually get through this. She has been amazingly patient with me.

    • Hi Adam. Don’t mortify yourself with the songs. It seems your wife understands and has already forgiven you.

      All those songs you mention are very sentimental and makes you sad. They remind you of times past… they touch me too, specially that of Passenger, and you let her go.( I let him go because of vanity and stubbornness); Torn between two lovers, oh yes the lines: “For none else can have the part of me I gave you.” and : “there’s just this empty space inside of me that only he can fill.” I own it and don’t feel shame or guilt over it. Do the same and accept things as they’re. No use in trying to deny it. Live your life at peace with yourself! Blessings

      • Accept things as they are …. I guess that is the last thing to do. I’ve done my best to let her go. I’ve done my best to make amends to those that I hurt with this.

        Just this morning while I was out working in the warehouse I was listening to a playlist that youtube made for me. I like to listen to them because they usually play songs new to me, or songs I have long forgotten. Then this song came on that I haven’t heard in a while. And while I know the background of the song; David Gates (singer of Bread) wrote it for his father that had passed away. This line …. 🙁

        “Is there someone you know
        you’re loving them so
        but taking them all for granted
        you may loose them one day
        someone takes them away
        and they don’t hear the words you long to say”

        That’s just not LO that hits hard with. There’s a lot of people I have lost.

        “Own it and don’t feel shame or guilt over it.” I will try Nisor.

        Everything I Own — Bread
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1mWHXz1rJc

        • Hi Adam

          You got me grooving with this song, ha. Yup, lo sheltered me, rescued me literally, he taught me how to love, for I had not allowed anyone love me before and be loved back. “

          “The finest years I ever knew were the years I had with you.” Yes, three beautiful years for which I’m grateful it happened and will cherish forever .

          You stay strong . 💪🏽 Do you hear me? No
          monkey business.

  177. MJ

    I am listening to a mix/playlist that youtube made for me and this song came on. I have not heard this song in a long time. Almost forgot I knew it as the song started. But as I listened to the lyrics I immediately thought of you and your LO.

    The lyric “I didn’t know it would last so long” made me think of limerence and then you and your LO.

    Hope things are going well for you. Hang in there my friend, we are here to help you get through this however you need us to.

    Nights Are Forever Without You — England Dan & John Ford Coley
    https://youtu.be/M1xpFCwxjAU?si=yMPriruHTZbrHztF

    • Thank you Adam. I appreciate your words immensely. Just been lurking in the shadows here lately as the conversations have gotten lengthy and intense. Wish I had some better news on this end but I do not. LO is still insane beautiful and I’m still insane for wishing upon a star.

      I’ll check the song out for sure and thank you for thinking of me. It is kinda crazy how long this has lasted, when I think about it..

    • Thanks Adam. I guess if you are ok with an LE of indifference, and that helps you not to think of your LO, then by all means, I’m glad to help you out..

      This song is perfect. Pretty much sums it all up in my opinion. I’ll add it to her playlist asap. The Dan and John Ford Coley song from yesterday, I probably haven’t heard in 40 years, but it works too. So on to the LO playlist it will go.

      Thanks Friend. I’ll have to post a song or two here again soon. I hope you’re doing well too.

    • I love Ray Conniff!

      I’ve never heard that song but it’s great!

      Probably Ray’s most famous song is

      “Somewhere My Love” from “Dr. Zhivago” (1965)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7GGJUHpUt0

      “Dr. Zhivago” is a movie classic and, if you haven’t seen it, I recommend you watch it. It’s great on a lot of different levels and really moving. I especially identify with Alec Guinness’ character. If I was going to be anybody in that movie, it would be him. It’s one of those movies that you might have to watch more than once since you’ll probably pick up something different each time you watch it.

      As it relates to limerence, it’s the story of a man for whom the love of his life ends up not being his wife.

      • I have never heard of Ray Conniff. But I am glad I clicked on the song, as he is a really talented singer. (And I like Somewhere My Love, I’m listening as I proofread my post.)

        Funny story about Dr, Zhivago….I remember my folks and two of my aunts one evening talking about the movie after they had watched it all together again when I was 9 or 10 years old or so. (It was my turn with the TV and I was playing Super Mario Bros on my NES.) Just a few night early I had seen Planet of the Apes (my father’s side of the family are big science fiction fans) and I thought of the doctor ape, Zaius when I heard them mention the movie. So I forever associate Dr Zhivago with Planet of the Apes lol When they couldn’t more different of movies.

        But yeah someday I do need to watch it. I gets a lot of praise. It must be for a good reason. A good amount of the actors names I recognize too. So it has a good cast as well it looks like

        • My friends and I read the book for class back in college, then saw the movie, and the movie wasn’t much like the book, so we didn’t like it. So I recommend the book instead. 🙂

      • Dr Zhivago! Oh do I love this movie. Seen plenty of times! Leaves a sweet/sour taste to it. His daughter with Lara, the roll played by Rita Tushingham ( something like that) like her father played the balalaika expertly. The uncle asked ‘can she play it?” the boy friend answered: “can she play it ! !!” Very beautiful, richly made movie. Love story made in Heaven for poor mortals… very sad ending!!! Tonia and Dr. Zhivago! And the music, marvelous! You people have to see it!

        • Hi all….while on the topic of movies, have any of you watched the new film ‘Past Lives’ ? Im sure many on LwL can relate to the themes on managing deep connections. Its very believable, real and contained. I recommend a watch.

        • No haven’t! Interesting!
          Have replied to your post about the article though, but don’t ask me where😅

  182. Limerance music, a short story.
    For context, my SO has been living with her LO for 3 months now, after leaving our 23 year relationship.
    We, as a family, have a premium Spotify family account we all use, as music plays a big part in all of our lives, mainly for work purposes but also for pleasure.
    My SO has had a playlist for years called ‘soppy’, full of beautiful and meaningful songs about our lives and love for each other, with a couple of ‘our’ songs in there that have personal meanings.
    Strangely, this playlist got completely rewritten, starting the day my SO declared her love for the LO, and the LO declared her love back. It is so far running at 8 hours long, and as you can imagine, most of the songs revolve around the theme of falling in love, never feeling like this before, your the one I’ve been waiting for etc. She has recently added a couple of ‘our’ songs back in, which stung somewhat.
    Interestingly, I see moments of clarity in this playlist. Every now and then, a song gets added that basically screams ‘what am I doing and what have I done?’
    I will use this playlist to track this LE, or until the SO makes it private.

    • Modern technology is wonderful for tracking the evolution of relationships via music.

      If you track the discography of The Classics Four, The Foundations, REO Speedwagon, and early Maroon 5 to name a few, you can see how the relationship builds, peaks, and dies.

      Now, on the philosophical note, why are you tracking it?

      And, here comes the $64 question that my EAP counselor used to drop on me all the time:

      What would you do with the knowledge if you had it?

    • Adam, I feel passionate about this so I must say it.

      Limerence feels magical. It causes us to wonder if we met our soulmate or twin flame. We feel like we knew this person in a past life. We wonder if we are destined to be with this person. None of it is true. Limerence is just a hormonal experience. A specific person triggers our feel-good hormones. That’s all. It is tragic when someone makes life-altering changes because they believe that their feelings mean something. They don’t. Those feelings are just feelings. There is nothing significant about an LO. There IS something significant about our current family members. They really are special! They are worth our efforts. They don’t trigger limerence, but can you imagine how miserable life would be if the person sleeping next to you was a drug? Ugh! That would be exhausting. I used to think that I wanted to transfer my limerence to my husband. I don’t want that anymore. I want the real relationship that we have. It nourishes me instead of exhausting me. I hope that makes sense.

      So yes, songs like this are fun for an escape, but it’s just an escape. It isn’t real. It should be taken in moderation.

      I kind of sound like Marcia right now…hmmmm

      • I’ve been having those same thoughts lately Lovisa. Your reply was well written. I get all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings from LO and sometimes get lost listening to her playlist. Crazy how that happens, but I’m probably a rarity in this forum anyway..

        I’m really kinda jealous you all have SOs to always go home to. I have the drama with my Daughter, my sick Father and 2 vile cats that I go home to, that puke and s#!+ all over my house. It gets old. Is that any excuse to come here and complain? My Father didn’t ask for this disease. What a terrible Son I am to complain. What a terrible Father I am, when I’m the one responsible for the demise of my marriage. All because I couldn’t keep it zipped. Gosh, you’re all probably so sick of my sad, bull$#!+ story. I do this to myself. Like seriously..

        I’m in a place now where the thought of meeting someone new to consider dating almost nauseates me. I’m literally that afraid to step out of my fantasy world. And then I wonder, if LO ever panned out to be anything remotely like my dreams of her are, I wonder if I could even come close to making her happy. I’d probably mess that up too. That’s how f—-d up I am. At least that’s how I feel today.

        Perhaps it’s because it’s a holiday and I feel like we were just here. I was sad last year going into the season and this year already feels worse.

        • MJ, I don’t think you are any different than the rest of us in that we all project perfection onto our LOs. I just had to say something about the dang feeling of being soulmates. It grates on me because my first LO seduced me intentionally and I actually wondered if we were supposed to be together. I wondered if we knew each other in a previous life. It makes me angry when I think back on that. LO2 wondered if he and I knew each other in a previous life. I shut that down fast. I told him that I think it’s blasphemous to think such things. I wasn’t even polite about it because I don’t want him to believe such a destructive idea. I dread that LO3 might say something like that, too someday. I’ll try to be polite if he does, but it just triggers anger in me.

          I don’t get tired of your comments. I’m sorry you feel that way. I suspect you feel lonely right now and I wish you had better family relationships. As I’m responding to your message, I am waiting for my turn to get food from my in-laws’ counter. There are 26 people here. We’ve been playing games and now it is time to eat. I tell you this because I am grateful for these people. I love my family! I am so grateful that I never gave into temptations with my LOs because today would be very different if I had. I understand that you made some mistakes in the past that damaged your family relationships. I don’t think you are stuck. I think you can make good choices going forward and reconnect with your family. Surely some of them are willing to try to reconnect with you. There is always someone who wants to try. For example, taking care of my mom put a strain on my relationship with my oldest brother. He was acting like a butthead for a while. Even though it’s uncomfortable for us to be around each other, I keep showing up every chance I get. I am warm as much as I can, if I can’t pull off warm, I am at least polite, but I am there. I don’t like the way his wife looks at me. She and I used to be close, but now she is cold. But she is still polite and she still shows up which gives me hope. I think it takes time and effort to reconnect with someone after there was a conflict. I’ll keep trying with my brother and his family because I’m just not willing to let them go. If polite is all I can do, then I will at least be polite.

          MJ, there is something that I’ve wanted to address with you for a long time. I am concerned that you prefer a perfect fantasy over a normal reality. What do you think?

          Happy Thanksgiving, MJ! I hope the holidays bring new opportunities to reconnect with your family.

        • I am glad you have such good family relations on your end. 26 people reminds me of the holiday family gatherings we had when I was still married. I got along with just about everybody. Except for maybe her one Sister that never really liked me much. Getting divorced only increased her hatred of me. She’s made a lot of choice comments about my character and I guess that’s why I resent her like I do. Then again it probably is a 98% good assessment of me and I just get irritated because she has no filter about it. Sometimes it’s the honesty that hurts the most but I have dirt on her too. Not very good dirt either. It’s just I think I have a little more class than to ever make an issue of it and say something blatantly about her, without a filter. Not being married now also exonerates me from having to go off about it. I really just don’t give a damn anymore.

          You would be absolutely correct about my perfect fantasy versus reality. That’s been on my mind a lot lately because I will go off into daydream land and imagine LO and I doing all kinds of sweet things. Like walking with her on the beach, going for ice cream or walking the main drag in her city, window shopping or soon to be holiday shopping. I picture her cooking dinner for us and she lets me help. We hang out, watch movies together under a blanket and then she lets me stay all night. We make love and then I hold her close till morning…

          What a perfect lie, but this is what I do. I’ve backed myself into this corner and now I don’t want out. This Woman is so incredible to me and so real in my head. It’s just unbelievable sometimes how real it feels and yet it’s nothing even remotely any reality of any kind. I’ve nursed this crush and fantastically remembered any and every breadcrumb she ever gave me. Every stare, every smile, every pass, her outfits. I remember her perfume, the faintness and sweetness of it. So awesome I felt almost like jumping out of my own skin, it was so intoxicating. Like 100+ mph in the rumination and when I step out of it, I crash and cry for hours.. You could probably compare what I do to a person that cuts themselves. I mean isn’t it kind of the same self abuse??

          I guess you’re probably thinking I need some serious help and you would probably be correct. Perhaps it’s a reason why 2 seperate Therapists have rejected me. So I talk to a Priest, and it helps a little. Theres only so much within his scope that he can suggest. He did say not to give up on looking for a Therapist, which I haven’t but I’m not actively looking now.. I sleep good at night and LO doesn’t affect my work habits. In that regard, I don’t think all hope is lost. I’m just stuck in the funk. Grateful you’re here but sorry if I always sound like a broken record anymore.

        • You’ve given me a lot to work with, MJ.

          Let’s start with your ex-sister-in-law’s harsh judgement of you…

          “ Then again it probably is a 98% good assessment of me and I just get irritated because she has no filter about it. ”

          Is she right about you today? Are you a man who would cheat on his wife today? Have you learned some lessons? I am under the impression that you regret the way you treated your ex wife. Would you treat her differently if you were still married?

          “ I’ve backed myself into this corner and now I don’t want out. This Woman is so incredible to me and so real in my head. ”

          There was a time when I was afraid to let go of my limerence. I feared that if I didn’t have limerence, I would sink back into depression. Why don’t you want to let go of the fantasy?

          “ You could probably compare what I do to a person that cuts themselves. I mean isn’t it kind of the same self abuse??”

          Yes, it is comparable. My daughter is a cutter. She says she does it because her feelings bother her and she wants to feel something different. My daughter has BIG feelings, she always has (well at least since I met her when she was 13 months old). I don’t know if it was caused by her trauma, drug exposure in utero, or her genetics, but if I had to guess I would guess genetics. Anyway, I can understand your comparison, but I think it’s something different in your case. I feel like your daydreams of LO are drugs. When you let yourself daydream, it feels good. When my daughter cuts herself, it hurts but it distracts her from something else.

          I’m sorry that you haven’t found a good therapist, yet. I hope you don’t give up, but keep looking for a therapist. I’m glad that you are talking to your priest.

          Hang in there.

        • Hi MJ

          As it is a holiday period I can only imagine how this plays on your mind, feeling like groundhog day and no better than this time last year.

          In her reply down the thread Lovisa suggested reality over fantasy. Yrs. Its the solution, alright, but difficult when so much relief comes from the fantasy (short lived though that may be).

          I hate to think of you feeling so down when you emerge from the fantasy.

          Small steps might be needed. I think one thing which might help is to use your LO as a motivation to work on yourself. Think about this as making yourself more desirable, if you like. You want to be the best version of yourself as possible (for her, if necessary but also for your daughter). Many limerants have said they never looked better than when in the throes of a LE. Working on your diet, your skin, your hair, your clothes (which look great once extra weight is lost). Now – I realise that it might be better to uncouple such improvements from our LO and simply do them under the guise of purposeful living. But lets not make perfection the enemy of the good here.

          Small improvements have many benefits. Once you look great, you feel better and project something attractive. It might be to LO – although its more likely than this will permit the glimmer to hit with someone else. Someone more forthcoming? More emotionally available?

          The New Year is coming. Resolutions can be oppressive. Unless (!) you start making them before the New Year. Quite a genious move, wouldn’t you say?!

          We all enjoy your thoughts you are not like a broken record. Your take on limerence is very illuminating. You are going to beat this sooner than you think. One day you will catch a glance of approval from your LO or someone else, and that is the day when you will realise that you are out of this and have good options. You will use the new energy for things other than work and caring.

          Happy holidays to you for yesterday 🦃
          And have a good weekend 🙌

        • Hi Mj,

          You’re not the only one feeling down for the Holidays. Since I got older I don’t feel like mingling or cooking too much. We used to have a lot of people , friends mainly, (my family is in the States) for the Holidays and we had fun until the wee hours. Thanksgiving is an American Holiday, we don’t celebrate here. But they do know “Black Friday”, lol. My brother sent video with the family at Thanksgiving table. My eyes got misty because it’s forty years I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving with them or Christmas. I only go there to see some of them, sometimes on summers.

          We were to celebrate yesterday with my son but my SO and I got Covid on Wednesday… tough luck, no Black Friday for me either. So is life! But I still love this season and the shining lights and caroling on the streets, people shopping etc. it makes me happy. Besides the reason for the season is Jesus, so I celebrate that every day in my heart. That keeps my light on at all seasons. I also decorated the house, it looks pretty , and I enjoy staying home with an environment of Christmas. Open candles and listen to Christmas songs and drinking tea. My SO is in another world with his telephone all day long… so it’s like me alone!
          I can entertain myself very well!

          To another theme,
          I noticed you have something pending with your sister in law, like , you have “not good dirt on her”, sorry for asking and you don’t have to respond, did she ever make a pass at you? I remember you said somewhere something regarding her clothing, it gave me the impression she was trying to attract you? Forgive me for being nosy, and specifically if this is my misunderstanding. I should not be sharing this thought.

          Also, keep talking to the priest, at least that’s something. I care for you and share your deep feelings.

          Have a great weekend. Tight hugs.❤️

        • @Lovisa,
          Thank you for your response. I’m sorry about your Daughter. That must be tough. I can see that correlation about feeling something different.

          Thoughts of LO do feel like a drug sometimes. I go there because the idea of her feels so right. Even without reciprocation. The sadness just always hits harder because of that. I feel like it’s still so possible sometimes but deep down I suppose I really know better. I waste the time in rumination because sometimes there are harder weeks taking care of Dad. Or work just gets mundane without knowing LO is at the other end of the building, in the office. Which always gets me down. I miss her all the time.

          I hope your Thanksgiving was nice. My Daughter came to help me prep dinner. We got along with very little drama this time, thank God. She didn’t stay long because her bf was in town and she was going over there to eat and then later to another friend’s. She’s such a little Woman now. Almost breaks my heart.

          @Bewitched,
          You are always so gosh darn nice to me. Sometimes I have to read your posts over and over because I can’t believe you would give me that much credit. Thank you for your words and believing in me.

          I have been working on self improvement a little. I’ve been taking a new drug to decrease appetite and I’m planning on a wardrobe improvement soon because my Daughter will be turning 18 in February. I’m planning a very special dinner with her and going first class all the way. So I have that in the works I’m looking forward to. I have thought if I could turn the tide with her, that might trickle down to feeling a little better about myself. Which in turn might get me that nod of approval from LO you were writing about. I can only dream of something that incredible right now.

          Thank you again for your reply. I hope your holiday was great and I’ll be on the lookout for your next post.

          @Nisor
          My ex is 1 of 7 children. She has 4 sisters and 2 brothers. The sister I was referring to is the one I’ve never gotten along well with. It’s just how it’s always been. Her issue is really a private matter and I don’t really feel the need to post about it. No she didn’t make a pass at me but It’s definitely not a good thing what she did anyway. The things she has said about me crossed a line as far as I was concerned. It’s why I get so irate with her because it was all so uncalled for. Of course I’ve made some bad choices. I regret them everyday, but this sister is also very close to my Daughter and I have enough trouble trying to connect with her. I surely don’t need this Woman making that effort any harder.

          There was another sister in my exes family that I got along with well. Almost too well though. So I probably don’t need to go into too much detail about what happened there. (It was me making the pass on her.) I think that was moment you were referencing from my past posts.

          No biggie bringing that up but I hope it clears up any misunderstanding..

    • Hi Adam, did you find this song after my message on November 8th on the movie also called ‘Past Lives’ ( earlier in this thread) or just a coincidence this song has the same name ?
      Seriously I recommend the film if you haven’t seen it. It’s so real and not Hollywood at all. The scene of three people, two mutual limerents/soulmates and her SO is so very poignant. I really truly recommend the LwL watch it. Stay with it as it starts with childhood sweetheart story but evolves. it really connected with me. Please try to find time to watch it a see what you think. Its tipped to be nominated for an Oscar.
      The Trailer :-
      https://youtu.be/kA244xewjcI?si=5fnuqbEoWWp1yiW2

      • Miss Lovisa you were definitely channeling Marcia in that post. And I am trying to nurture my present relationships. I’m going to try church I think again this Sunday. And I actually enjoy the melodic calm of that song first and foremost. It has a calming affect to me. However …

        MJ

        Some months after she left I realized I saw her in the light of someone else. I talked to my wife about it one night. And I realized I was seeing her in someone I perused before marriage. A woman that I was desperate for. LO’s personality, looks, demeanor, voice, mannerisms, all reminded me of this young lady that 20 year old me so desperately wanted. I didn’t realize that in limerence but I do now. Like LO I’m sure she knew my feelings but was too kind to be too blunt that she didn’t share those feelings. They both “let me down easy”.

        “Lost love is sweeter when it’s finally found”

        I think that’s Momma.

        • You are trying church again. That’s cool, Adam. Are you sampling different denominations or heading to a Catholic Church? I hope it goes well. When I was a young person, I sampled different denominations. I settled on the religion of my ancestors: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I read The Book of Mormon from cover to cover for the first time in 1997. It changed my life. I quit vices that I hadn’t been able to quit though I had tried many times. I became a different person. I am grateful for my church. I hope you find what resonates with you. Some of my closest friends are Lutheran, Evangelical and Catholic. They are incredible women who I admire. They love Jesus and His gospel just as much as I do. I ran with a woman who has Buddhist roots, recently. She is remarkably Christ-like. She unselfishly serves other people in all that she does. I know there is goodness in all faiths. I hope you find something that raises you to a better version of yourself. You are a very loving and kind man. I hope you find something that nourishes your spirit.

          Adam, I have been pondering something. I think limerence might be a form of Idolatry. We kind of worship our image of our LOs. It’s something that has always baffled me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around idolatry because I couldn’t imagine a person worshipping an object. It made no sense, but now I think I understand it. I think I’m guilty of it, too. What do you think?

          Well, I’m heading out for a quick run. Actually, I’m heading downstairs to my treadmill for a quick run because I don’t want to slip on the snow. Hopefully there will be some traction tomorrow for my long run because I really don’t want to do a long run on the treadmill.

          Have a great weekend!

        • Lovisa hi,

          “ I think limerence might be a form of idolatry. We kind of worship our image of our LOs.”

          You’re right! Yes, that’s why that which we idolize becomes our demon…(someone said).

  186. Some talk of others in other threads about LO’s and friendships got me thinking about this song I haven’t listened to in awhile. I think I am fortunate that, unlike the song, that LO never tried to still be friends after she left. But this song still is relatable.

    Don’t Expect Me To Be Your Friend — Lobo
    https://youtu.be/Zir11p4oCFI?si=GoyqFrDa2bLJKZEp

  187. Seeing others sharing songs on the current coffeehouse blog, I thought to share this song which I recently heard on the car radio and it immediately hit me to my core :-
    Tatu ‘All the Things She Said’

    [wrong link deleted by Dr L]

    It was controversial at the time and the premise for the lyrics are for a different situation ( young girls in love with each other) but it resonates for so many other situations including my LE at least. I replace the word ‘she’ for ‘he’ in my case. Regardless it’s a great song, turn up the volume to high ! I hope you like it.

    • Oh Hell !! I copied the link to the advert not the video of the song. The Correct link is here. DO NOT click the original link.

      Tatu song ‘All the things she said’
      https://youtu.be/zJBoTO6vZCc?si=-BjpsgfJXv_XZiYH

      Sorry about my rubbish IT skills.

      Dr.L , can you edit my post maybe ? Thanks Imho [No sweat, and good song choice 🙂 – Dr L]

      • Ah I do love this song Imho. I haven’t listened to this song in a very long time. It’s way down on the bottom of 300 some “favorite songs” youtube playlist. I originally ran across the actual music video for it … that maybe I’d better not post but it’s an interesting take on representing the lyrics.

        And very much relatable with life in general for me, and especially with limerence; always overthinking things that were said and done.

        Speaking of overthinking ….

        Overthinking — Jake Scott
        https://youtu.be/jpRZHYPsNK8?si=60AJ0Eww260wPCiJ

      • Thanks Dr L. I feel privileged you corrected my error so quick and you like my music choice ! ☺️ It’s like the CEO of my global company saying I did a good job ! ( that’s never gonna happen !) Ha ha 🤣

        Adam, hi. Thanks for your music choice share…. Overthinking! Yes, this word is me completely and utterly. Im really trying to actively manage this trait as it really genuinely leads to reduced productivity and procrastination.
        You seem to like the really lovey dovey songs I note. I’m trying to lean to high energy music more, as love songs just enforce my limerence to the point I have to turn down/off the radio when certain songs come on to quell my emotions.
        Do others do that too ?

        • Thanks MJ. I haven’t heard of Jordan Hart before, very nice voice. I just listened to his version of Holy Night, very seasonal. And yes, you are a soppy softie 😀

        • I remember that during breakups I used to have to turn off all pop music because every song was about love/lust/breakups. Nowadays it depends on my mood. During limerence crashes I can very easily start associating certain songs with depression or misery, and have to shut them off. Meanwhile, other songs can get me in an awesome mood that pulls me out of limerence obsession for a while.

        • IMHO

          That’s been me that way since as young as I can remember. I think until I hit my teens my folks wondered why I listened to their music rather than choose my own. And my father’s favorite music was The Carpenters. Nothing but sappy love songs. My mother had an Air Supply tape I played a lot. Some of the songs I couldn’t relate to the lyrics but could relate to the relative calmness of the music of those types of songs. Bread/David Gates is another good one.

          I try to repurpose these songs and turn them back to my wife. After all 90% of the songs on “that” playlist (which is apply titled Guilty) limerence stole from her anyway. It’s only fitting that she gets them back. And this plays on a mix youtube made me as I type this.

          Sacrifice — Elton John
          https://youtu.be/NrLkTZrPZA4?si=Ahunesqvd_i3pJhV

  190. Here’s some somewhat up lifting music. Remember to believe in yourself. Feel good for any progress you make. It’s worth it to finally see some light. You can’t take the time you lost in limerence back. But you can be determined to let it go.

    Shawn wrote this song about his sometimes overwhelming anxiety he gets with his performances and his fans. Like the saying goes; be kind to people you have no idea the battles they fight from within.

    “It’s like the walls are caving it
    Sometimes I feel like giving up
    But I just can’t
    It isn’t in my blood”

    In My Blood — Shawn Mendes
    https://youtu.be/QCPAs0uE-s4?si=Ch-pFlAnTcZnMd-V