A Happy New Year to all at LwL!
It seems to have become something of a fashion this year to bolster the usual wishes for happiness with the hope that 2023 will be less eventful than the recent past. A sign of the times, no doubt.
I’ll join that chorus, and wish everyone a peaceful, productive and purposeful year ahead.
The forum is dead, long live the forums
As I explained a little over a month ago, I recently made the decision to shut the private forum hosted on LwL after a couple of years of activity. That has now happened, I’ve pulled the plug, and the forum is no more.
However, I’m gratified to report that some of the enterprising members of the old forum have been highly purposeful, and set up a new forum on a new platform, but with a similar ethos. Many of the stalwarts have already migrated over.
I’m aware of two projects.
The first is at: https://limerenceforums.com/
The second is a Discord server, for which you need to download the Discord app (I believe) and search for “Living with Limerence”.
For clarity: neither of these sites are run by me, but both have emerged from the LwL community and share the same vibe and principles. From here, they will no doubt evolve further.
Many thanks to those who have set up these resources to fill the gap. Please jump in to the comments with more information if I have missed anything important (or made any errors). Godspeed to all who seek and give support there.
The second big change announced in the cultivating purpose post, was my goal to offer one to one email coaching. In the first instance, I am adding this as a supplement to the flagship emergency deprogramming course. That new version of the course will go live next week.
While enhancing the course seemed the most directly useful application of my skills and experience, I also started to wonder what other services would be helpful. What kind of support are people looking for, I wondered? And than an amazing thought struck me. I could ask!
If a one-to-one coaching service is something that would interest you, let me know in the comments what format would suit you best. Occasional sessions here and there? A week of focused coaching? A month?
All feedback appreciated.
Finally, a last announcement is that I am working on a series of posts about purposeful living as a theme for the blog in the new year. There are a lot of posts in the archive about limerence, neuroscience and recovery, but not so coherent a collection of connected ideas on purposeful living.
In part, that’s because – by it’s nature – it’s a more nebulous idea that means different things to different people, but it’s also because I haven’t clearly defined anywhere what I mean by purposeful living and how to put it into action.
So, while I’m in the spirit of asking, a last request is for anyone who has some specific questions about the concept and is willing to be featured (anonymously, of course) as a Case Study for the series, to add a comment below, or complete the form on the Contact page to message me direct.
OK, these last few posts have been a bit focused on blog business, and normal service will resume next week, but I have to say that I’m feeling quite upbeat and motivated about embarking on some new initiatives for Living with Limerence in 2023.
Here’s hoping that the enthusiasm lasts longer than the average New Year resolution.
If anyone comes across the discord link please drop me a line! Thank you Dr L
Yes please. Im very active on discord and have just discovered this community and dont want to loose connection.
I’m not part of the Discord group, but I do know some members who are active in the new forum. I would suggest heading there to ask for the link; the link only lasts about 7 days before needing to be replaced too, if I’m not mistaken.
Perhaps some of them missed the comments on this site as well, because it’s more difficult to keep track of new comments coming in, or simply because they read the comments on this site only occasionally.
In my opinion, giving a Discord link here might also feel a bit more public compared to the small forum. My best bet is to try asking there. Sorry for the little extra trouble.
Again, thank you so much for all the advice and effort you’ve given over the years to the struggling limerents of the world. I’m on year three of a life altering LE and so glad to be noticing that life is beginning to be more and more like my old happy life, wiser and even more cautious (if that’s even possible)! I’ve learned so much and can see why, though disruptive, this LE helped me acknowledge things that needed to dealt with at the time.
When in the chaotic aftermath disclosure of the LE and the very difficult NC, I can see how a one-on-one coaching service for a month would be beneficial! It might also be helpful to have a vetted reading list of books, links in one place that people have found useful, such as one on attachment, etc.
You are so right about the importance of focusing on purposeful living and not on the ‘what if’ fantasies we limerents are so good at creating. Expanding on steps and having a cohesive section to bring that about would be helpful. While I feel I’m at long last edging out of the most painful part of this life experience, I’m still occasionally struggling… I don’t want to be bitter.
Congrats Dr. L on your purposeful goals to help limerents near and far! You and your site were immensely helpful to me as I slowly recovered from my catastrophic LE and I regularly think about the things I learned from your posts, the commentariat, your personal responses and the emergency reprogramming course.
I am determined to never fall into the vortex of limerance again and I am confident I will succeed, only due to the help and education and fortification I have received here.
Ever wholeheartedly grateful!
“Finally, a last announcement is that I am working on a series of posts about purposeful living as a theme for the blog in the new year. There are a lot of posts in the archive about limerence, neuroscience and recovery, but not so coherent a collection of connected ideas on purposeful living.
In part, that’s because – by it’s nature – it’s a more nebulous idea that means different things to different people, but it’s also because I haven’t clearly defined anywhere what I mean by purposeful living and how to put it into action.”
I am definitely curious to read some articles on purposeful living, and what that might actually mean/look like for different people when put into practice…
Obviously, signing up for a pottery class or two to “distract oneself from thoughts of LO” isn’t quite going to cut it, as already mentioned. Although, I suppose, if one really wants to sign up for pottery class, and has spent one’s entire life putting off signing up for pottery class, I guess there is no harm in taking the plunge!! 😉
I’m beginning to wonder if the key to tackling limerence successfully has something to do with addressing the elephant in the room of “enmeshment”? It seems to me that limerence is really an unconscious drive on the limerent’s part to enmesh with the LO. And people who struggle with limerence might struggle with enmeshment in all of their relationships, both platonic and romantic. I.e. limerents might not just be seeking enmeshment with an LO.
In other words, maybe having a fairly weak, porous, unclear sense of identity is what predisposes people in the first place towards limerence? And I don’t think that developing a stronger sense of self is in any way incompatible with purposeful living.
For example, now when I meet an attractive young straight man – the kind that always glimmers for me – I remind myself that this individual has his own goals, dreams, and ambitions which have nothing to do with me. At the very least, this man’s goals will include (a) securing work, (b) saving money, and (c) spending time with girlfriend if he has one. Just keeping all this in mind helps me remember that I am not and will never be at the forefront of this man’s thoughts, and that sort of nips limerence in the bud before it has a chance to bloom. 😉
I even had an almost-LO tell me once (in considerable frustration on his part) that he and I had “different goals, different dreams, different ambitions”. I imagine his goals/dreams were pretty much the ones mentioned above. (Work, money, quality time with girlfriend).
I think I mix up “love” and “enmeshment” simply because of the family I grew up in, where a high level of enmeshment among family members was the norm. As the years have gone by, I’ve gradually “disentangled” myself from each and every member of my family of origin, although my attempts at self-definition have at times met with a fair bit of resistance, especially from my very controlling mother.
Speaking of family, a couple of days ago, my dad had a heart attack. He survived the heart attack, underwent a successful operation, and is now stable and recovering in hospital. I went to visit him in hospital on the same day as the heart attack and as I looked at him in his hospital bed, with mixed feelings of sadness and relief, I realised that I’m no longer enmeshed with this man…
In other words, I think I’ve spent my entire life viewing my father in much the same way as people often view their limerent objects. I’ve viewed my father as an object, that is, and not as a fully-fledged human with his own history and personality. I’ve kind of seen him as someone who exists solely to make me happy, solely to make me feel safe, solely to shower me with praise and affection.
Seeing my father so powerless and indeed so human in a hospital bed made me realise that he doesn’t really belong to me, he’s a separate person altogether, and that the impulse to objectify him was wrong although perhaps also very natural at certain points in my early psychological development.
I think maybe limerence is at least partly about unmet needs and also at least partly about learned helplessness – the incorrect belief that one can’t meet one’s own needs, so must be forever looking outside of oneself for someone to pick up the slack.
I am finding purposeful living at the moment doing all my father’s chores while he is in hospital. Also, I am spending time with my growing group of platonic friends.
Humorous aside: while in an active state of limerence, I used to avoid women like the plague. I avoided women like the plague mostly because women couldn’t “make me feel high” in the way men could “make me feel high”. But I also avoided women because I developed this almost irrational dislike of women.
There’s a part of me that would like to unpack my temporary aversion to women as fellow members of the human race. (Were beautiful young ladies the insufferable “competition” for the man I wanted and couldn’t have? Hahaha! Did I unconsciously see women as nefarious rivals or malicious interlopers in a private party to which they definitely weren’t invited?) Now I’m transitioning away from limerence, I spend more time with women and women are some of my closest friends. I realise I can have jokey brother-sister type friendships with women. A relationship doesn’t have to make me “feel high” in order to be fun. 😆
Limerents perhaps want an ocean of joy from a single source. That’s too much to ask of one person I think, even in those rare instances where the feelings are mutual. Maybe the answer is to get (and give) a drop of joy from many, many people? You know what they say: “It takes a village…”
Hi, Dr. L. May I request that the new forum’s link be shared in the Resources section of your blog? Sorry for the trouble, as I could only imagine how busy your schedule is on top of handling this site and helping folks like us.
Thank you so much again for what you’ve done over the years and beyond! Every week, I always look forward to your insightful writings. Thanks to you and the community from the old forum, I’m now out of the LE fog and mindful of any possible glimmers in the future.
P.S.: I suspected that the moustachioed man pictured in one of your posts was aimed at me, lol. How did I end up liking my last LO, who could pull off a Santa look if he wanted to, when facial hair in men has never been my thing?
Jokes aside, I’m truly happy to hear you’re starting to fine-tune your focus, and I’m probably right now at the “trying everything out” phase, which at the moment could simply look like a distraction.
But I’d rather be distracted by the typical mid-life crisis hobbies than by LE. If it doesn’t work, maybe someday I’ll arrive at the place you’re at now and be able to fine-tune my life’s purpose even more.
I don’t think it’s ever going to be a one-time fix. I need to do the maintenance often, like you implied with the garden in your previous post. I want to keep SO in my happy garden, so I’ve got to do what it takes to keep it fresh and interesting.
Dr L says
Thanks for the nudge, Why! I’d meant to do this.
I’ve now added a link to the Resources page.
Any mustachioed connections were purely coincidental 😉
DrL, I agree with Hope that a 1 on 1 coaching for a month would be useful, to get Limerents on the right track with the right tools. The advanced deprogramming course was very helpful but I think more directed and specific coaching on how to put the ideas into practice would have been helpful to me (and therefore others, I assume).
For purposeful living, I agree with Sammy that it is a somewhat nebulous concept, but I wonder if it is worthwhile exploring and blogging about whether there is a link between the LE and the eventual purpose in one’s life — in other words, can the LO archetype or the LE be useful in giving us clues as to what would give our lives meaning? By that I mean, for example, if one’s archetype is the “damsel in distress” then maybe looking for ways to be of service to people (non-LO people!) is a good way of finding purpose? I’m thinking of the way you used your LE to inspire the life-saving (literally, in many cases, I suspect) resource you’ve created here. My LO archetype is the charming, confident, dazzling professional — should I pursue a public speaking classes/club to develop my own skills? And I bet other lime rents could think of other examples for their own LE/LO case. Just something I’ve been thinking about.
Dr L says
That’s a really interesting idea, TP. I definitely think it’s worth exploring.
I am Groot says
I can’t thank you enough for this site and for the now closed forums. It was through LwL that I finally made sense of my limerent experience in a way that helped me to draw a line and move on.
Thank you to all the people I connected with in the community pages and I sincerely wish you all good fortune for 2023 and beyond, free from the destruction of limerence.
Thank you for all the resources, information, community, life-saving awareness, and more. I’d be interested in one on one coaching, probably once or twice a month would be fine these days…but who knows how my limerence will unfold as I heal. What you have is unique and I’m so grateful you’ve shared what you know. Truly it’s changing my life for the better. But I have a long way to go and would really like support from others who understand limerence