One of the defining features of limerence is the idealisation of the LO. Personality traits that in others can seem off-putting (if not obnoxious) become charming idiosyncracies in our LOs. It works with physical beauty too. At an early stage we can still be objective about the relative attractiveness of LO, but once the limerence is established, they become ravishing.
I’m fascinated by the neuroscience at work here. What is it about the process of limerence that causes this change and how genuine is it? Do our sensory processing systems really modify as a consequence of the hormonal and neuromodulatory soup that bathes our brain during limerence? Or are we just talking ourselves into it because we want a fix so badly, and trying to override the honest sensory input?
My gut feeling is that there genuinely is a neurophysiological change as a consequence of limerence, and we start to make associative memories that alter our perception of the world when LO is in it. The thesis is quite straightforward:
1) The glimmer sets in, and you start to seek LO’s company.
2) LO’s company gives you a neurophysiological high.
3) Your brain starts to associate LO’s company with reward.
4) LO’s appearance is now linked to the sensation of pleasure. You see their (imperfect) face and even before conscious thought can register, you get a hit of bliss.
5) LO’s face has become a configuration of matter that gives pleasure when viewed. Which is a pretty good working definition of beauty.
With physical appearance this is simple (simplistic?), but with behavioural habits or personality traits it’s less so. The same associative process could occur, but it’s a bit abstracted from the sensory stimulus to form a very strong connection. Age is also probably a factor. In early adulthood, the opinions and attitudes of others (especially LOs) are more formative and so become absorbed into our nascent worldviews more readily. LO’s can genuinely shape us and influence our psychological development. If they have characteristics that we admire, then other opinions can kind of get captured along the way as a bystander effect.
But as experience grows, the ability of others to reshape our worldview (particularly in dramatically different directions) tends to decrease.
Under these circumstances, the other wily strategy that limerence can adopt is minimisation. God I am so guilty of this one. “She’s only saying that because she’s never been truly loved for herself.” “He’s hard-hearted because of the pain he’s been through.” Or – worst of all – “they only think that because they don’t understand the issue properly. I will explain it to them, and they will love me for my dazzling insight.”
A very good strategy for coping with limerence is to spot this mental game you are playing with yourself, and actually, respectfully, listen to LO’s opinions. Some of them may be so fruity that you can’t limer-gloss over them. Same with behaviour. Watch closely, and prioritise what you observe over what you want to be true.
Can’t help you with the beauty, though.
Those eyes…
Sigh.
I limer-glossed. A lot.
Funny that this has to be my first comment on this site before slowly unraveling my limerence saga in other comments section in the future.
Previously, I was usually attracted to men with hardly any facial hair and was quite turned off by chest hairs. However, my recent LO has expanded my physical preferences by a long way. Now I find full hipster beard and chest hair that peeks through his buttoned up shirt as irresistible.
Can’t get any more cliché being a gay man who is slowly loving all types of men now, lol. Nevertheless, a common theme throughout that I have noticed is that all of the men I like are geeks in their own way. Not sure if that will ever change.
Beauty is definitely an interesting subject in relation to LOs. I find that when I have limerent feelings for a particular man, I think he’s stunning. When the limerence starts to wear off, I see him as good-looking but not stunning. It’s like limerence shrouds our LOs in golden light. They become radiant. They seem to glow. Also, they seem to move through the air with other-worldly grace. The clumsiest of fellows can become a prize-winning gymnast in my imagination.
If an LO is objectively good-looking, we probably enhance that in our minds in the same way we enhance or idealise all their other positive qualities.
I used to think one of my LOs was really good-looking. Then, one day, I looked at him closely and realised he was just sunburnt from one too many days spent at the beach. So much for radiance!
Beauty has always been a huge hook for my limerence. Dark-haired, olive-skinned women always turn my head.
My last two LOs (one recent that I’m trying to get out of my head, the other more than 20 years ago) were brunette stunners that I’d probably think were out of my league if they didn’t end up involved with guys who were less attractive than me — and I’m nothing special in the looks department (7 out of 10 on a good day).
That’s got to be another factor that builds hopeful delusions in limerant-prone men, especially — “I’m better-looking than that guy she married; surely that means I have a chance!”
For a lot of women, looks are only part of what makes up physical attraction. Most of my LOs have been average looking to cute. I have dated better looking men who I didn’t become limerent for.
Yes, I’ll never fully understand what women find attractive in men! Sometimes it’s obvious; often it’s not.
I used to work with a guy who I’d describe as average looking. But he could approach any woman, and he was funny and personable, so he was already 65 to 70 percent of the way there. Being able to approach and chat up is a HUGE part of it.
Thank God some women find things other than looks attractive or I would have died single and celibate.
I am assuming what attracts men is more than looks or only hot women would be hooking up.
As many episodes of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich attest to.
So the only men who don’t base physical attraction soley on looks are the kind who appear of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich? 🙁
Have you watched the shows? Nobody’s going to confuse the participants with the people on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.”
Maybe it’s me but I find most of participants largely unsympathetic and generally unlikable. I think the shows are scripted to play to a certain demographic. LO #4 once called it “trailer trash television.”
The way they’re portrayed, I wonder why anyone would want to be around those people let alone have kids with them. As bad is it sounds, many come across as poster children for BTO’s line, “Any love is good love, so I took what I could get,” from “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9S93bE06H0
Likability in someone isn’t too much to ask. Going all STEM, Desirableness can be viewed as a function of Likablilty and Physical Attractiveness. Usually, one is more important than the other. Some people are willing to put up with a lot of crap from a really attractive person.
When it comes to attraction, Appearance is almost always what gets my attention but Likability is what keeps it.
Scharnhorst,
“Going all STEM … ”
Oh, yeah, I forgot who I was talking with … 🙂
“When it comes to attraction, Appearance is almost always what gets my attention but Likability is what keeps it.”
I have never been able to figure out what attracts me to certain guys. I will definitely notice hot men, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be attracted to them. Attraction is … feeling giddy and silly and stupefied around the person. Wanting to get up on them and smell them! 🙂 And usually, once I come down a bit off the limerence high, I finally get a good look at my LO, and he’s not as attractive as I thought. It takes me months to actually see him.
@Marcia. It sounds like confidence is an important part of what makes a man physically attractive to you. Also, his ability to swagger over and say a few coherent lines. No easy feat if the guy in question is a limerent or naturally shy. 😛
I’ve always thought beauty was important to me. But I’m not sure how much of this beauty is real and how much is in my imagination. E.g. I probably imagine someone is wildly attractive after I’m already smitten with them for other reasons which are too subtle to pin down. 🙂
Sammy Sams,
“It sounds like confidence is an important part of what makes a man physically attractive to you. ”
Game is a big part of it. I’m still waiting for an LO to grab me by the hand, lead me into a darkened room, push me up against the wall and go town on me … all without saying a word. Operative words : STILL waiting. 🙂 I have experienced a few bold moves in my life, but nothing that rises to that . Now that’s me. Boldness gets my attention because it is so rare.
“Also, his ability to swagger over and say a few coherent lines. No easy feat if the guy in question is a limerent or naturally shy. ”
Uh …. how often is someone who is genuinely limerent going to make a pass? Statistically it’s … what … .0005%? Usually it’s someone who just wants some shammy damny. :)The less the risk, the easier it should be.
“I’m still waiting for an LO to grab me by the hand, lead me into a darkened room, push me up against the wall and go town on me…”
It didn’t happen often but when it did, it was really cool.
One day, I was washing my car. I was wearing a white T-shirt and jeans (think James Dean). 30 years ago, that was a good look for me. Today, not so much.
LO #2 pulled into the driveway. She had a strange look on her face. She said, “You can finish this later.” She hooked her finger under my collar, led me inside, up the stairs, and into the bedroom. She spun me around, pushed me on the bed, ripped off my clothes, ripped off her clothes and climbed on. When she was done, and she didn’t stop until she was done, I asked her what that was all about.
She said, “When I drove up and saw you leaning over the hood, I just had to have you. If your neighbors hadn’t been outside, I’d have done you on the hood.”
When LO #2 was on, she was really on.
Yeah, but, are u a man? I am woman hoping a man will enact a similar scenario on me, particularly the first time we are together. It sets a tone for subsequent encounters.
Marcia,
Good luck with that. In today’s environment, I think a lot of men would be wary of that on a first encounter unless you made it clear beyond reasonable doubt that to you were ok with it first.
I think a woman would have to be beyond exceptional for a guy to be presumptuous enough to take that risk cold.
I ‘ve done it, made the first physical move. I’d like to think at least a few were bold. I mean…. you are alone at the guy’s house at 1 am to “watch a movie.” Some of this stuff is obvious
Marcia,
Best I could come up with.
“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” – The Robert Cray Band (1988)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVo2F0hhNtk
This one came out a little late in the game for me. But, I can see its utility.
I think looks is a bigger deal for men for sure. I mean, my most recent LO, the instant I saw her I was like “my god, I’ve got to meet this woman.” It took a couple of years, but I did.
Looks are very important to some women. They are just as shallow as some men. 🙂