On holiday this week, so today’s post is a repost from the olden days of the site (2017). I’m still fascinated by the neuroscience of beauty, and why our LOs become so dazzling during limerence. The magic does seem to wear off – our post-limerence judgement of their beauty can be as objective as before the infatuation hits. Anyway, I liked this post, so thought I’d air it again.
One of the defining features of limerence is the idealisation of the LO. Personality traits that in others can seem off-putting (if not obnoxious) become charming idiosyncracies in our LOs. It works with physical beauty too. At an early stage we can still be objective about the relative attractiveness of LO, but once the limerence is established, they become ravishing.
I’m fascinated by the neuroscience at work here. What is it about the process of limerence that causes this change and how genuine is it? Do our sensory processing systems really modify as a consequence of the hormonal and neuromodulatory soup that bathes our brain during limerence? Or are we just talking ourselves into it because we want a fix so badly, and trying to override the honest sensory input?
My gut feeling is that there genuinely is a neurophysiological change as a consequence of limerence, and we start to make associative memories that alter our perception of the world when LO is in it. The thesis is quite straightforward:
- The glimmer sets in, and you start to seek LO’s company.
- LO’s company gives you a neurophysiological high.
- Your brain starts to associate LO’s company with reward.
- LO’s appearance is now linked to the sensation of pleasure. You see their (imperfect) face and even before conscious thought can register, you get a hit of bliss.
- LO’s face has become a configuration of matter that gives pleasure when viewed. Which is a pretty good working definition of beauty.
With physical appearance this is simple, but with behavioural habits or personality traits it’s less obvious how the reward connection would work. The same associative process could occur, but it’s a bit abstracted from the sensory stimulus to form a very strong connection. Age is also probably a factor. In early adulthood, the opinions and attitudes of others (especially LOs) are more formative and so become absorbed into our developing worldviews more readily. LO’s can genuinely shape us and influence our psychological development in a way that has lasting impact. If LOs has some characteristics that we admire, other opinions can kind of get captured along the way as a bystander effect.
But as experience grows, the ability of others to reshape our worldview (particularly in dramatically different directions) tends to decrease.
Another wily strategy that limerence can adopt to maximise beauty is minimisation of flaws. God, I am so guilty of this one. “She’s only saying that because she’s never been truly loved for herself.” “He’s hard-hearted because of the pain he’s been through.” Or – worst of all – “they only think that because they don’t understand the issue properly. I will explain it to them, and they will love me for my dazzling insight.”
A very good strategy for coping with limerence is to spot this mental game you are playing with yourself, and actually, respectfully, listen to LO’s opinions. Some of them may be so fruity that you can’t limer-gloss over them. Same with behaviour. Watch closely, and prioritise what you observe over what you want to be true.
Can’t help you with the beauty, though.
Those eyes…
Sigh.
I limer-glossed. A lot.
Funny that this has to be my first comment on this site before slowly unraveling my limerence saga in other comments section in the future.
Previously, I was usually attracted to men with hardly any facial hair and was quite turned off by chest hairs. However, my recent LO has expanded my physical preferences by a long way. Now I find full hipster beard and chest hair that peeks through his buttoned up shirt as irresistible.
Can’t get any more cliché being a gay man who is slowly loving all types of men now, lol. Nevertheless, a common theme throughout that I have noticed is that all of the men I like are geeks in their own way. Not sure if that will ever change.
Beauty is definitely an interesting subject in relation to LOs. I find that when I have limerent feelings for a particular man, I think he’s stunning. When the limerence starts to wear off, I see him as good-looking but not stunning. It’s like limerence shrouds our LOs in golden light. They become radiant. They seem to glow. Also, they seem to move through the air with other-worldly grace. The clumsiest of fellows can become a prize-winning gymnast in my imagination.
If an LO is objectively good-looking, we probably enhance that in our minds in the same way we enhance or idealise all their other positive qualities.
I used to think one of my LOs was really good-looking. Then, one day, I looked at him closely and realised he was just sunburnt from one too many days spent at the beach. So much for radiance!
Beauty has always been a huge hook for my limerence. Dark-haired, olive-skinned women always turn my head.
My last two LOs (one recent that I’m trying to get out of my head, the other more than 20 years ago) were brunette stunners that I’d probably think were out of my league if they didn’t end up involved with guys who were less attractive than me — and I’m nothing special in the looks department (7 out of 10 on a good day).
That’s got to be another factor that builds hopeful delusions in limerant-prone men, especially — “I’m better-looking than that guy she married; surely that means I have a chance!”
For a lot of women, looks are only part of what makes up physical attraction. Most of my LOs have been average looking to cute. I have dated better looking men who I didn’t become limerent for.
Yes, I’ll never fully understand what women find attractive in men! Sometimes it’s obvious; often it’s not.
I used to work with a guy who I’d describe as average looking. But he could approach any woman, and he was funny and personable, so he was already 65 to 70 percent of the way there. Being able to approach and chat up is a HUGE part of it.
Thank God some women find things other than looks attractive or I would have died single and celibate.
I am assuming what attracts men is more than looks or only hot women would be hooking up.
As many episodes of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich attest to.
So the only men who don’t base physical attraction soley on looks are the kind who appear of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich? 🙁
Have you watched the shows? Nobody’s going to confuse the participants with the people on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.”
Maybe it’s me but I find most of participants largely unsympathetic and generally unlikable. I think the shows are scripted to play to a certain demographic. LO #4 once called it “trailer trash television.”
The way they’re portrayed, I wonder why anyone would want to be around those people let alone have kids with them. As bad is it sounds, many come across as poster children for BTO’s line, “Any love is good love, so I took what I could get,” from “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9S93bE06H0
Likability in someone isn’t too much to ask. Going all STEM, Desirableness can be viewed as a function of Likablilty and Physical Attractiveness. Usually, one is more important than the other. Some people are willing to put up with a lot of crap from a really attractive person.
When it comes to attraction, Appearance is almost always what gets my attention but Likability is what keeps it.
Scharnhorst,
“Going all STEM … ”
Oh, yeah, I forgot who I was talking with … 🙂
“When it comes to attraction, Appearance is almost always what gets my attention but Likability is what keeps it.”
I have never been able to figure out what attracts me to certain guys. I will definitely notice hot men, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be attracted to them. Attraction is … feeling giddy and silly and stupefied around the person. Wanting to get up on them and smell them! 🙂 And usually, once I come down a bit off the limerence high, I finally get a good look at my LO, and he’s not as attractive as I thought. It takes me months to actually see him.
@Marcia. It sounds like confidence is an important part of what makes a man physically attractive to you. Also, his ability to swagger over and say a few coherent lines. No easy feat if the guy in question is a limerent or naturally shy. 😛
I’ve always thought beauty was important to me. But I’m not sure how much of this beauty is real and how much is in my imagination. E.g. I probably imagine someone is wildly attractive after I’m already smitten with them for other reasons which are too subtle to pin down. 🙂
Sammy Sams,
“It sounds like confidence is an important part of what makes a man physically attractive to you. ”
Game is a big part of it. I’m still waiting for an LO to grab me by the hand, lead me into a darkened room, push me up against the wall and go town on me … all without saying a word. Operative words : STILL waiting. 🙂 I have experienced a few bold moves in my life, but nothing that rises to that . Now that’s me. Boldness gets my attention because it is so rare.
“Also, his ability to swagger over and say a few coherent lines. No easy feat if the guy in question is a limerent or naturally shy. ”
Uh …. how often is someone who is genuinely limerent going to make a pass? Statistically it’s … what … .0005%? Usually it’s someone who just wants some shammy damny. :)The less the risk, the easier it should be.
“I’m still waiting for an LO to grab me by the hand, lead me into a darkened room, push me up against the wall and go town on me…”
It didn’t happen often but when it did, it was really cool.
One day, I was washing my car. I was wearing a white T-shirt and jeans (think James Dean). 30 years ago, that was a good look for me. Today, not so much.
LO #2 pulled into the driveway. She had a strange look on her face. She said, “You can finish this later.” She hooked her finger under my collar, led me inside, up the stairs, and into the bedroom. She spun me around, pushed me on the bed, ripped off my clothes, ripped off her clothes and climbed on. When she was done, and she didn’t stop until she was done, I asked her what that was all about.
She said, “When I drove up and saw you leaning over the hood, I just had to have you. If your neighbors hadn’t been outside, I’d have done you on the hood.”
When LO #2 was on, she was really on.
Yeah, but, are u a man? I am woman hoping a man will enact a similar scenario on me, particularly the first time we are together. It sets a tone for subsequent encounters.
Marcia,
Good luck with that. In today’s environment, I think a lot of men would be wary of that on a first encounter unless you made it clear beyond reasonable doubt that to you were ok with it first.
I think a woman would have to be beyond exceptional for a guy to be presumptuous enough to take that risk cold.
I ‘ve done it, made the first physical move. I’d like to think at least a few were bold. I mean…. you are alone at the guy’s house at 1 am to “watch a movie.” Some of this stuff is obvious
Marcia,
Best I could come up with.
“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” – The Robert Cray Band (1988)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVo2F0hhNtk
This one came out a little late in the game for me. But, I can see its utility.
I think looks is a bigger deal for men for sure. I mean, my most recent LO, the instant I saw her I was like “my god, I’ve got to meet this woman.” It took a couple of years, but I did.
Looks are very important to some women. They are just as shallow as some men. 🙂
I think you have two issues in this post. The first is that the LO becomes ravishing to the limerent. And I think that’s very true. You almost recreate what they look like. The second is limerents who only become limerent for objectively attractive people. I think it’s probably truer of male limerents than female limerents. So “beauty” is really about beauty. But because of the limerence, the beauty becomes amplified.
“LO’s face has become a configuration of matter that gives pleasure when viewed. Which is a pretty good working definition of beauty.”
I take a real pleasure in seeing and observing LO, but I do not think he is objectively super good-looking, despite the fact that I am more strongly attracted to him than to anyone I have met thus far.
Beauty is the wrong word for me… It is the overall package that I find super attractive… i.e. eyes, smile, character, manners, gestures, speech, mind, body, and the smaller details like his hands and the fine hair peeking out under his shirt cuffs… sigh… 🙂
It is so true though that even if you don’t idealise your LO, everything about them is amped up a few degrees nearer to positive compared to anyone else. Both pros and cons.
Makes sense… if we fully experienced the most irritating and challenging human imperfections of a long term SO right from the start, I doubt we would ever have dated them in the first place!
Very chicken and the egg, yea? Are we attracted to LO because they are beautiful, or are they beautiful if we are attracted to them?
Like the chicken and the egg question … this one is unanswerable.
This is my first post so please be kind!
I’m pretty new to all this and trying to catch my breath a bit realising I’m a textbook limerent – it’s quite overwhelming.
Interestingly for my more intense LE’s thoughts of sex rarely come into it, it’s all about having a loving relationship with a LO who I think is out of my league looks wise.
I’m currently experiencing the most debilitating symptoms of my latest LE. Taken to going out of my way just to catch a glimpse of or bump into them, always freezing when an opportunity to say hi occurs, twice this last week – just like a deer in headlights, blinded by LO’s effect on me.
I have always found attraction starts with looks or what I perceive as beauty, right from a young age! First really prolonged and intense “crush” was when I was 11/12yo. All these I assumed were a crush as I grew older, but they have continued and have become more debilitating.
Crippled me all through high school into adulthood.
I was very inexperienced and shy – a late bloomer some may say and pretty much my first serious relationship has been my only one, certainly the first time I felt feelings reciprocated and I thought she was pretty too!
Sadly, this first time where I felt I had found the “one” has been under huge external strain from a difficult narcissistic family (mine) and strain on my marriage has come from many areas notably my mental health and it’s been very rocky for some years, more noticeably since 2020 and change in work circumstances as a result of the pandemic.
Now I hate myself for this I really do, but I think I would have had more fight in me if I still found my SO “beautiful” or at least attractive.
Never had a EA/PA, but always appreciated “beauty” for example, say out of 200 women I see on a routine basis each day at school/work I would identify just 3-4 as really attractive or beautiful, who give me the “buzz” and if I had a positive interaction with one of said “beautiful” women…BOOM! Hold on tight I’m into full blown rollercoaster ride of emotions.
2 of them now, who happen to be friends have had this effect on me at separate times.
One key difference that sets them apart for me, nice hair done and changes style regularly , always made up and goodness knows what time they have to get up in the morning to put that much effort into their appearance! – It’s quite fickle isn’t it, I’m ashamed yes.
The current LO I admire, purely based on appearance initially, as I suppose an above average good looking person who had always been someone I checked out for 5 yrs or so but now as the LE unfolded over the last year most intensely, their mannerisms, gestures, laugh and voice got me hooked.
This LO turned out to be recently separated/divorced, I found this out right about the time this LE started – the trigger maybe?!
I always found her attractive but the knowing she was single sent me into limerence. How tragically selfish to see someone’s divorce as a catalyst for an LE, it does feel like I am out of control though something of a involuntary reaction.
Right now I must be about 12-18 months in and just hit the real crash, I don’t know why, perhaps not getting the eye contact as much, sensing that the perceived interest has faded.
I realised I spent the last year at least just living off those brief moments of eye contact, convinced there was a mutual interest and this gave me enough of a buzz to drip feed the addiction.
I hate how this makes you think, feel and behave.
It’s so unfair on SO’s and LO’s in my case – SO deserving of so much more than me and LO who I have never even said two words to, consuming almost every waking minute of my thinking.
I cannot focus on anything, anything at all.
I feel like a terrible human being for being so shallow I have dug so deep to try and find the reservoir of unconditional love for my SO but I think having a marriage that was not in a good place for a long while – I was a sucker for the next shiny LO to come into fruition.
I wish I could not be so bothered by looks, I really do.
But no matter how hard I try it feels like a dealbreaker and it’s been tearing me apart for years now 😞
> Interestingly for my more intense LE’s thoughts of sex rarely come into it, it’s all about having a loving relationship with a LO who I think is out of my league looks wise.
Yep. It’s different when asleep, though.
> always appreciated “beauty” for example, say out of 200 women I see on a routine basis each day at school/work I would identify just 3-4 as really attractive or beautiful.
1 out of 50? You’re lucky, for me it’s rather 1 out of 1000. I realized that it’s mainly the face. If her face is close enough to my archetype of beauty, I’ll get the glimmer. If I notice some obvious flaws or incompatibilities, it wanes off quickly – but if I get to know her character and like her, the limerence train gets rolling.
> I wish I could not be so bothered by looks, I really do.
„Beauty is a form of Genius–is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in the dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon.” – I agree with Oscar Wilde. There is no shame in being deeply moved by beauty.
> I was very inexperienced and shy – a late bloomer some may say and pretty much my first serious relationship has been my only one.
Yup, that hits home, too. The more I learn about limerence and the more I read about the young James Joyce or Goethe, the more I think that limerence is a necessary experience in the life of many artistic, INFJ-ish people.
A fun topic to revisit…
When I was limerent, and in the physical presence of my LO, he did seem dazzlingly beautiful, like an angel – or, gasp! – one of those sparkling vampires from the pages of young adult fiction…
Do I think he was objectively good-looking? Sure. I wasn’t completely delusional about his appearance. But limerence added something extra to the mix. What was that something extra you may ask? Can a brain soaked in dopamine actually make people more aesthetically pleasing than they are? I mean, the face of my LO was the face of my LO. Not everyone had a big, dramatic response to his face…
I think the secret of an LO’s apparent other-worldly beauty can be explained through some weird kind of mental focus that occurs during limerence. Our brains become completely focused on LO, maybe exaggerating certain details and maybe obscuring certain other details. Maybe we look at LO, but don’t really see LO? Maybe we get caught up in the details and stop seeing the whole picture?
In one of her most famous songs, Carly Rae Jepsen sings “it’s hard to look right/at you, baby”. She is definitely hitting on some emotional/aesthetic truth here… But Jepsen’s line raises another question: “How can an LO be so stunning if we can’t even look at them properly or are in fact not looking at them properly?”
LOs are so beautiful, because, um … I actually think the chemicals in our brains might affect what they look like slightly. What we might be seeing is a gorgeously enhanced image (in mind’s eye) of something that may be merely attractive?
Just as we look at an LO’s personality through half-closed eyes, I think maybe we look at an LO’s physical appearance through half-closed eyes, too? Dream becomes fused with reality. We see both LO AND our dream image of LO at the same time, and that, to me, explains the “supernatural beauty” of LOs. 😛
I had to do stage makeup on my LO, a spitting image of young Marlon Brando. I even adjusted and enhanced his looks while running romantic Shakespeare lines with him. What a recipe for limerent disaster. No one else seems beautiful to me now. It’s a terrible burden.
My LO’s always had to be a certain type….or look like a former LO that was a certain type….Large and in charge, popular, authority figure, surrounded by supportive worker bee females. What is so ironic is that the mysterious LO from (don’t laugh) the 80s I have found on FB. Wow! I didn’t realize how I have nothing in common with this person and how unattractive he appears to me! All those years ago, he had the power to rule my feelings with one encounter a year! My other LOs now look dusty and faded, but again, years have passed and these LO’s don’t have the same “sheen” nor power or authority that once drew me in like a moth to a flame. They are just way older men that aren’t so in charge anymore.
Not only their face, I’m remember getting such rushes just by seing my LO walking frim a distance. His gate, his posture, his jacket etc, I would recognize it even from very far away and get a rush.
I’m a bit embarrassed by this but I really loved standing by a window in our university in 5th store and watch my LO walk from a distance (from the bus station) towards the library. I would even film him to watch it later to get rushes. Like a real stalker! I did it just a few times though. I did erase everything when I started to get free of my addiction which of course by zero contact cold turkey, its been a few years now and I’m so happy I’m free of this addiction! It really did mess up my mental health real bad during (2 years) and the aftermath, around 2-3 years!
I don’t ever wanna get addicted like this ever again!
I only ever get the glimmer for women with a very beautiful face. There wasn’t anyone at my high school, but if I look at a current picture of woman for whom I had an LE 10 years ago at university, she still looks absolutely stunning.
Maybe I can be grateful to only encounter potential LOs very seldomly, but it reduces the chance of ever having an LE consumed. They are amazing muses and have a very positive influence on my creativity. I know I shouldn’t, but I guess I’ll soon find another one after having received a clear „no + NC” from my previous LO.
„To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life. A wild angel appeared to him, the angel of mortal youth and beauty, an envoy from the fair courts of life, to throw open before him in an instant of ecstasy the gates of all the ways of error and glory.” – beautifully phrased by James Joyce
“> Interestingly for my more intense LE’s thoughts of sex rarely come into it, it’s all about having a loving relationship with a LO who I think is out of my league looks wise.”
Seeing you comment make me think for a minute. I actually had more sexual thoughts of this woman before I ever became limerent with her, over a year into knowing her. Yet when she became LO I never had a sexual thought of her. I spent more time in her eyes interacting with her than her body.
On the other side of the coin, when not limerant she is very attractive woman. Caught my eye and held it the first time I met her in person. And she held that glance with me as we talked. When I walked away I was like “wow she is hot!” But after limerence she was an angel. When I dwelled on her I would think of the beauty of her as a woman not so much just her outward appearance. In fact I applied a sweet innocence to her that made me feel guilty to think of her physically. There was only one instance post-limerence that her physical appearance roused any sexual thoughts to the point I left the room with this terrible guilt for looking at LO as a woman with the thoughts of a man.
It’s strange now that I think about. Maybe the more I got to know her more than superficially the more she became more than a pretty woman with an amazing body. Definitely out of my league.
“He was first attracted to her because she had sex appeal but as he got to know her more and more—she became beautiful. Controlling his feelings will become that much more difficult. And when he is vulnerable, he’s no longer in control.” – https://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-lai/2015/12/can-a-man-and-a-woman-really-have-a-platonic-relationship/
For me it was, “The truth is, they may never do anything physical in life. They may never cross the line. But a relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to set up boundaries. A relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to adjust your feelings. A relationship can never truly be platonic if you have to pretend that you are happy with the way things really are…when deep down—you want something more.”
In her goodbye, LO #4 said I couldn’t keep our acquaintance platonic. I’d disclosed to her months earlier. I quoted most of the above in my response to her goodbye and said that for me, once she began to open up and share with me, it wasn’t platonic for me.
I’ll admit to the fact that if the situation were different, we were both available to each other, then I would have definitely tried to steer the relationship in a different direction.
But as it was that was not possible. I also consider that the boundaries that were within our relationship were also due to office rules and regulations. I wanted to remain professional and within company policy. A lot of those polices did coincide with how a married man should interact with a female co-worker as well. So I guess it is just a matter of how honest I want to be with myself in hindsight.
The physical beauty thing is an interesting topic because only with my LOs do I ever reach a state of mind where they personify physical beauty to me. I think my heightened perception of physical beauty is a core difference between limerence and just a crush. With a crush, I usually acknowledge my physical attraction to my crush but it is never at the expense of attraction to other women. Crushes for me happen in all physical types and all seem to be on equal ground in terms of physical desire. But my LOs are different. Everything about them is physical perfection even though I can objectively know they have physical shortcomings. They stand apart in beauty from everyone else and any physical shortcomings become a unique feature of their self that I adore.
Furthermore, all my LOs have been fairly different physically, I don’t have a “type”. And once I move on to a new LO, the previous beauty I found so undeniable becomes average again.
I knew my current LO for 3 years prior to her becoming LO. During that time she was attractive to me in an objective manner without any real desire for her. Now, when I look at my current LO in the eyes and she smiles at me, I cannot imagine a more beautiful creature on God’s green earth and every other woman fades away in my mind.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as the saying goes. I’m actually a “sapiophile” which means I am attracted to men who have high intelligence. All of my LOs coincidentally have had PhDs and even my second husband has a PhD even though he was not a LO. My first husband died too young for an advanced degree but he was definitely a high IQ sort of fellow. I have no idea why I’m into men in this category, but of course they are all good looking as well, at least in my eyes. My current LO has a PhD in English Literature and I was drawn to him specially because of his background. I’ve spent hours thinking about him in reference to his field as I also love novels and classical literature. But he’s also witty and a bit sarcastic but has a serious side to him too.