In the last post, we discussed the many problems of dealing with limerence in marriage, and the emotional storm that betrayed partners have to contend with.
One of the chief difficulties in navigating the period after disclosure of extramarital limerence, is that both partners will be in an abnormal state of mind. The limerent is, well… dealing with limerence, while their partner is in panic-repair mode, trying to make sense of the revelation and examine the foundations of a relationship that they didn’t realise had been undermined by termites.
The only real positive outcome that can be salvaged from this kind of crisis is to try and use it to start some genuine renovation works on the state of the relationship. Unfortunately, that is slow and painful process, which will also be confounded by the mental distortions that both partners are suffering.
The limerent may be battling to contain their obsessions and see their partner and themselves with honest clarity. The spouse may be battling the damage to their self-esteem and trying to “improve” themselves to shore up the foundations of their life. The estrangement caused by loss of trust will throw both partners into a period of uncertainty as they try to make sense of the situation.
Our tendency to think in stories, makes it easy to compose a narrative that feels emotionally satisfying, but distorts the true history of events. Who is the sinner and who the sinned-against? Who is the hero or villain?
What’s really needed is some sort of objective assessment of what’s actually going on, what was going on, and what the true state of the relationship is now. To reach an impartial judgement, both partners need a way to somehow step out of their mental bubble and honestly critique their own conduct and that of their spouse – to somehow adopt the perspective of a third party who can see the situation differently and maybe even find some creative solutions.
One way to do this is to depersonalise the analysis of the health of the relationship.
We all of us have a long and complicated psychological history to explain why we behave the way we do, but the impact that behaviour has on others is actually independent of those distant causes. If both partners can temporarily put aside their sympathetic instinct to justify each other’s flaws, and look unflinchingly at the consequences of the behaviour, it’s possible to make progress on problem-solving.
In that spirit, I’ve always liked Mel Robbins’ no nonsense approach to self-improvement, and I found this video to be a good, pithy summary of some dysfunctional behaviours that are objective signs of problems in a partnership:
Importantly, I think these signs apply regardless of the situation. I hear from limerents consumed with guilt about betraying a partner who treats them with disdain and disrespect. I hear from spouses who have been heartlessly devalued but are nevertheless doing everything they can to keep their family together.
Every combination of good and bad behaviour is represented out there in the wide world, and it’s easy for any of us to read a story and come to a quick decision about who is in the right and who is in the wrong. We have strong but different moral intuitions. However, it doesn’t take long for all the details and nuances of complex lives to begin to cloud that moral certainty when trying to make a purposeful decision about the future.
Figuring out when forgiveness is a virtue versus when is it swallowing humiliation to try and cover over a serious crack in the relationship, requires some independent, objective indicators that cannot be explained away.
That’s the benefit of this video. Put aside the compassionate impulse to protect the person you love by forgiving their emotional wounds, and just ask yourself if they are demonstrating any of the nine signs that Mel Robbins identifies:
- Lying to you
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Using your insecurities against you
- Calling you names
- Interrupting when you’re talking
- Not trusting you and invading your privacy
- Making big decisions without you
- Telling you how you are supposed to feel
- Ignoring your boundaries
If they are, then the possibility of your recovering a healthy relationship on the far side of limerence depends on you confronting the signs of disrespect and negotiating an end to the behaviour. Without a foundation of respect, you will always be propping up a shaky structure and will find it hard to ever relax and trust again.
And then, when you are done analysing their conduct according to these criteria, apply that analytic lens to yourself. Which of the toxic signs are you guilty of? Quiet the scared child within that has learned these techniques as a coping strategy to protect you from fear, and be honest.
Then, you know what work you both need to do to be equals, and what problems need to be overcome before you can plan a better future as true partners. Or – and this may be an unwelcome conclusion – recognise that trying to keep going is futile. There are bigger problems than the external influence of a limerent object if your partner is not willing to rebuild the trust and respect that has to be the foundation of any good relationship.
It’s not for the faint-hearted, this exercise. But then personal transformation rarely is.
Great post, Dr.L.
Mel Robbin’s video is spot on! Add limerence to it, you get a bomb exploding in your face!
Each one has to do real work on oneself, realize where is the lack, knows the partner and his/her weakness also, no easy task. When it comes to betrayal, a third party/counselor is necessary. Too much to handle alone when you’re in total distress. Communication is the most powerful tool in a healthy relationship. Honest communication, that is.
Great weekend to all.
Song of the Blog: “Respect” – Aretha Franklin (1967)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A134hShx_gw
Some days, my job is just too easy…
“YES,
I am old school ,
I have good manners, I show respect and will always help those who need me. It is not because I am old fashioned,
It is because I was raised properly.”
Respect, respect, respect!
The opposite of respect: disrespect , is very destructive and alienating to anybody, child or adult, women or men. Let’s be civilized and have some form of decency in our lives, no matter the circumstances…
My father taught me that the most important thing we possess as individuals is our self-respect. He told me that it was worth defending and not to let anyone attack or undermine it. He said that if someone can take your self-respect, you’re screwed.
How can someone respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
“Respect Yourself” – The Staple Singers (1971)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10Rw7tf3QzM
Nobody respects a doormat.
When LO #4 was still reeling from the collapse of her relationship, she told me that the felt like she’d betrayed her readers, her clients, her friends, and herself.
I told her that she was wrong about that. I told her that whatever her Ex tried to get from her, he didn’t get her self-respect. I told her if had gotten that, she would have betrayed herself, and she’d still be with him.
She later thanked me and said how much that meant to her.
People will treat you the way you let them.
One of the therapists I worked with said that I don’t take being demeaned well. When I thought I was being dismissed or demeaned by LO #2 or LO #4, I went to war with them.
Unpopular opinion, but I don’t agree with this post. This exercise would be helpful in a normal relationship, but when one partner is limerent, that is emotional betrayal. No amount of self-reflective behaviour-fixing will erase the fact that the limerent broke the SO’s trust. And it is up to the limerent to mitigate the damage, not the wounded SO.
All points of view are valid and useful in my book, whether we agree or not.
I am curious Maria about what you mean by emotional betrayal? I am sorry if you have been hurt in this way.
I can’t agree that all limerents by virtue of being one break their SOs trust. Limerents are not all the same, different people will behave very differently in response to the same situation.
It’s true not all limerents are the same, but I’m not of the view that they are completely helpless.
I’m the limerent in my marriage, and at the beginning I viewed it as a harmless thing, until things got out of hand. If the LE is a secret, then there’s your emotional betrayal. It should ideally be out in the open in a good partnership.
Ah OK I get you.. so essentially if you need to keep it a secret then you already know you are probably doing something you shouldn’t.
Agree, disclosing to SO is best if you think they can handle it.
I agree with Maria. It is my error. My fault. My misstep. Any grace my wife gives me is of her own accord. That she lets me sleeps in the same bed as her again is because she chooses to. That my early alarm went off this morning and I turned it off to lay with her for longer this morning is because she allows it. That she grabs my hand at night when I am restless. Imagine the amount of forgiveness, grace and kindness on her part to forgive a man who obsessed about another woman for years. It’s almost like I don’t deserve it.
“you and me we made a vow
for better or for worse
I can’t believe I let you down
but the proof is in the way it hurts”
I’m Not The Only One — Sam Smith
https://youtu.be/7NMhjmLGRak?si=a_XKSpGFO7qDmDxF
When I was still married, I had a number of EAs and some that became PAs. My marriage did not last as a result of that. While I do not feel those were limerent episodes, I know I would be guilty of over half of the 9 signs listed above. Being that it was probably my all time worst effort being a Man, my hope was that my Wife would never leave me. What an idiot I was to have expected that.
I have often wondered what turns things would have taken, when I was married, had limerence entered the picture then. If LO had happened in the way she currently has and the emotional roller coaster that’s come along with it, I might have even checked out sooner. Perhaps even pushing for divorce myself. Insane as that sounds, limerence has not fared me well. I believe it spells doom for a marriage if the Limerent is unwilling.
Wow MJ, that is heavy. You were guilty of 9 of those behaviors? Wow. Okay, so you recognize your mistakes, what now? How can you do better?
I applaud your courage to address these things.
Only a little over half of them. Maybe 7. Truly I was too immature to be married and I was way too oversexed. I try not to sweat the small stuff now. Not let my anger get the best of me. (That is freakin hard)
As for relationships, I haven’t had the best of luck over the years and maybe that’s deserved.. What I do know is I to be more emotionally available next time, instead of things always being about me. I’m least important of all people and now I know it for a fact.
My therapist told me last week that I have a Disorganized Fearful/Avoidant Attachment Style. She also added to the grim news that it was quite severe as well.
Well, Hello Limerence what took you so long!
I am single, so I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and having my partner in Limerence. It would shake me to my shaken core. I would be waiting for the gates of hell to open up and swallow me whole.
Maybe well rounded, secure attached individuals would be able to navigate the complexities of having a partner in Limerence. As I am now, I would not be able to handle that.
My guess would be most people would feel betrayed and hurt at best. Trust levels would be reduced and also not feeling good enough for my partner.
I have weathered a lot of not so great stuff in previous relationships but having my partner pining for another in front of me? Even though I KNOW what Limerence is and does do to a person, I would be spinning.
You have a very candid therapist.
Given the characteristics of that attachment style, that’s not a diagnosis that a therapist would deliver lightly.
Does she have a treatment plan for you?
Yes, apparently we are going to start working on that.
To be honest, I’m a little skeptical with her.
I may be barking up the wrong therapy tree
I might see someone else even though I do like her, but she seems a “one size fits all therapist” Like, her way or the highway lol
But therapy is helping, so I will continue, it’s just trying to find the right fit.
As for the attachment diagnosis, she is right on that.
And if it wasn’t for Limerence I wouldn’t be exploring these issues I have.
Anna,
I just found a reply to NYT article (on limerence) relevant to my situation of dealing with anxiety/fearful attachment style and limerence:
“I should mention I did seek therapy. Three years. I knew it wouldn’t help from the start, as therapy that is. I got from my therapist what I wanted and needed. An ear. I knew nothing he could say would make a difference, and it didn’t. Maybe that’s therapy too.”
Sometimes for some sufferers, AN EAR is enough. My previous therapists also diagnosed my otherwise-unknown cptsd and anxious attachment style (not limerence, though), but they did not make much differences in my life/grwoth. My own fearless monologues to LO (as an idealized phantom parent-figure) for 6 years, and then speaking up, dialoguing, discussing, debating (all in written forms) here in LwL, are helping me more than those therapy sessions combined.
Again a lot of times, an Ear/Audience, better nonjudgmental, sympathetic and empathetic ones, is all one needs. Please try it more with LwL ears to see whether it would work for you.
Cheer up!
@Snowpheonix
You are 100% correct on that!
Same here, I knew within 10 minutes of my first sit down with her that she wasn’t going to help me, with my Limerence anyway.
She had no idea what it was, I remember with clarity the confused look on her face when I mentioned it.
My heart sank, I felt lost and thought that maybe I was the only one in Canada that suffered with this lol
But, as a you mentioned, she lent an ear and being who she is knew that anyone having emotional upset in middle age more than likely stemmed back to childhood conditioning.
She was right, I didn’t want to go back there, my reluctance was evident.
But she dug and I slowly opened up.
She knew exactly what she was doing.
But, having said that, I really do find more comfort and more questions answered here, with all of you guy’s and Dr. L’s posts
Much less of a clinical setting could be part of it.
Therapy IS helping me deal with some issues but tackling Limerence is my main concern right now.
I am doing a lot better though
Maybe the core of my inner child is getting stronger, only time will tell.
Anna
“Maybe the core of my inner child is getting stronger, only time will tell.“
If you feel it, then it’s true; Believe in it! If your adult self deeply cares for your child self, she’ll grow stronger and healthier, completely out of the state of a “victim”.
I can relate well your feeling here, my inner child is still within me but dancing, not whining for absented Dad or Mom. As I told Marcia back in December, I did not feel so sunk on my father’s passing anniversary, the first time in 6 years! And when I deal with my mother (still narcissistic but pitifully insecure and emotional fragile) nowadays, I feel mothering her and begin treating her with some tenderness, as if taking care of my own “inner child.”
I’ll always be an ear for you here and learn to be a better one…
Thank You Snowpheonix.
My inner child has been taking a beating the last couple of days.
I was doing quite well for a bit but I realize now that this journey through Limerence is by no means going to be a linear process.
I have my feet firmly planted in reality but my brain is doing everything it can to get me back to the LO Fantasy.
But I guess we all go through this? I am not a seasoned Limerent by any means, so I’m learning the ups and downs as I go.
I’ve been NC for over 3 months now and I received a subtle hoover from my Narcissistic LO. (he found a way because I have him blocked everywhere)
I ignored it with pride in myself but it didn’t take long before all the “feelings” resurfaced. uuuggg…
Like I said, I do have myself firmly planted back in reality even though I don’t care much for it here. It’s dull, grey and boring! lol
But I’m practicing purposeful living like Dr. L said and even though it’s humdrum I know it’ll get better.
Thanks for lending an ear.
Anna,
“My inner child has been taking a beating the last couple of days.”
I’m sorry to hear about your inner child’s “loss” lately; it sounds like your adult self’s feet are swinging? I found that taking care of this inner child is MUCH HARDER than dealing with limerence alone. During my LE, I wanted more to be listened to, soothed, cared and to get stronger/maturer fast; otherwise, Mother would continue bullying me with her habitual narcissistic behaviors.
“I was doing quite well for a bit but I realize now that this journey through Limerence is by no means going to be a linear process.”
Based on most of LEs presented here, limerence is NEVER a linear process, just like other chemical substance abuse. In our (you and me) cases, it’s strongly associated/rooted with our childhood “trauma” dealing with narcissist parent(s), which is tougher than getting rid of a LO, in my opinion.
“I have my feet firmly planted in reality but my brain is doing everything it can to get me back to the LO Fantasy.”
Based on DrL, I think your limerent’s altered mind is still at work; the “addiction” of pleasurable/exhilarating LO fantasy has NOT be worn off yet. When the reality is gray and dull, it becomes more seductive to escape into LO fantasy. In my case, dealing with the Phantom — the LO Fantasy, helped me reduce all the pains of dealing with perpetually demanding and negative Mother nearby.
“But I guess we all go through this? I am not a seasoned Limerent by any means, so I’m learning the ups and downs as I go.”
I think everyone here has gone or is still going through it, so do not feel you’re alone on this path. I’ve been limerent all my life without knowing what I was dealing with and was always longing for something unnameable…. However, once knowledge and awareness set in, my logic mind would not rest, let limerence get worse, I’m too proud to let it fail. In this sense, my 35% narcissism has been working in a “positive” way.
“I’ve been NC for over 3 months now and I received a subtle hoover from my Narcissistic LO. (he found a way because I have him blocked everywhere)”
It does not surprise me if you are sure he’s a narcissist LO. (I’ll attach some descriptions defining narcissist, by an ultra narcissist). 3 months NC is quite an achievement! The maximum time of NC I went through was 2.5 months!
“I ignored it with pride in myself but it didn’t take long before all the “feelings” resurfaced. uuuggg…“feelings” resurfaced. uuuggg…”
Please forgive me here, I don’t remember your LE story (so many LE cases on the site), were you with Narc LO for a while, then separated? Or was there a SO involved on either side? Was he co-worker or a friend? So what sorts of feelings “resurfaced”? WHAT exactly do you miss in your LO? WHY do you think he’s hoovering you back — get WHAT from you this time? How many times in the past has he hoovered or attempted to hoover you?
“Like I said, I do have myself firmly planted back in reality even though I don’t care much for it here. It’s dull, grey and boring! lol”
You might have been going through the “withdrawal” melancholy period, which I also went through — it was hauntingly lonely, gray, boring, and depressive. So I picked up a hobby, learning to play piano from scratch… in addition to daily workouts, sprouting, seriously conversing here as a means to further explore and improve my self…. Perhaps you could pick up some hobbies? Launch a new endeavor with concrete goals and steps? By experience, I knew my mind would easily wander off into my Phantom fantasies, if I did not have specific daily tasks to tackle.
“But I’m practicing purposeful living like Dr. L said and even though it’s humdrum I know it’ll get better.”
In what specific ways, you’re practicing? Why do you feel it’s “humdrum”?
An insight of an Ultra Narcissist — the pronoun in his partial article is “we”…
*****
Narcissism
Narcissism is a self-defense mechanism that operates to seek out Primary Aims (from all people): 1. Control 2. Fuel (positive or negative emotional outputs), 3. Character traits, 4. Residual benefits. Such acquisition will manifest through grandiosity, great or limited success, sense of superiority and entitlement, belief in being someway special, extract of external positive and negative emotions, and exploration (mostly in benign disguise) and manipulation (benign or malign), exhibition of envy, aggrogence, lack of empathy, lack of accountability, etc.
Narcissists were created from a genetic predisposition towards narcissism, allied with the lack of control in the environment. All narcissists are hyper-sensitive to the issue of control and must always have control. When interacting with us, you’re categorized in just two groups: you give us control or threaten it; you’re with us or against us; you’re white or black, there is no interland or gray in between. It’s not what you intend, but how we perceive it.
Narcissism arose during narcissists’ formation when we were children. It is designed and developed to defend our sense of insecurity and (consciously or unconsciously) drive us to constantly assert, maintain control and reject threat to it; it also seeks to gain fuel, to obtain character traits and residual benefits.
Narcissism is incurable — a baked cake unable to be unbaked!
The Fuel
Fuel is what the narcissist needs in order to function. It allows him or her to produce the means by which they can continue to appear seductive, interesting, charismatic and alluring to others. Fuel powers the narcissist so he or she is able to keep the creature that lurks beneath under lock and key. Fuel enables the projection of what the narcissist wants the world to see and keeps hidden that which he or she does not want the world to witness. Without Fuel the narcissist loses the power to charm. Without Fuel the narcissist is unable to keep the creature under control and faces being consigned to oblivion. Accordingly, the provision of fuel is of paramount importance to the narcissist. He or she must harvest fuel on a daily basis. We need a primary source, which will be somebody we engage in a relationship with so that we know we have a steady source of high quality fuel on tap. This however is never enough. We need to seek out fuel from other sources. These are the supplementary sources and they are varied. Supplementary sources cover anybody and everybody from strangers to friends, colleagues to family members and from acquaintances to other intimate partners. People, who we regard as nothing more than an appliance for the provision of fuel, are the supplementary sources and this is why we must engage with a variety of different people. It also explains that whomever we may come into contact with during the course of the day we see as a viable target from which we will extract fuel.
What is this fuel? It is emotion infused attention. You will be familiar with our constant need to be centre stage and star of the show. This is because we want attention. We demand and require everybody’s attention, yours, hers, his and theirs. We can never get enough of this attention. In order for the attention to qualify as fuel however it needs to be infused with emotion. Those emotions can be either positive or negative. For instance, in respect of positive fuel an admiring glance, a teasing smile, a declaration of love, a praising comment or a warm hug are all aspects of positive fuel…
*****
Anna,
Do you want to serve narc LO as his FUEL??
I also heard a term describing a true narcissist — an emotional vampire.
Some narcissists are not aware they are one, like my mother.
Oh, I am most definitely going through the withdrawal melancholy period!
I live alone and work from home, so it’s pretty tough sometimes.
And given that I have distanced my friends whilst going through Limerence (like, who needs anybody when you have your LO for entertainment right?)
I have been reconnecting. So that’s a plus.
Also, a strange thing has been happening.
Usually when I let my guard down my mind will automatically go fantasy mode but now I feel almost sick to my stomach when that happens?
Wow! Like, I literally feel nauseous!
I put it down to high anxiety but my gosh maybe my body is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY” lol
Background to my Limerence Story:
I have not posted my story here, just bits and pieces.
Limerence hit me about 1.5 years ago out of the blue.
I am perplexed on that being 46 and my background as you know a bit about.
My first LO was an acquaintance that I met on-line.
I won’t go into detail but suffice to say it didn’t end well.
So, along came LO #2 before I had a chance to deal with the aftermath of the first one. (transference at it’s finest)
We met in a group we both belonged too (on-line again)
We hit it off and began chatting and decided to meet in person.
We live quite a distance from each other so we met halfway for a weekend.
We had a good time but there were SOOO many red flags I ignored. I cringe at the thought of it!
One thing led to another and we were talking almost everyday and met a few more times as well.
Then things started to get a little weird, he was ghosting then breadcrumbing (a control tactic I assume?) Thinking back he tried to control everything usually in a subtle way. But I was infatuated by that point, so it was soul crushing and my Limerence only escalated.
Deep down I knew he was narcissistic because he reminded me of my father and his actions. My heart sank with this realization because I knew then and there that it wasn’t him, it was my childhood trauma resurfacing.
I came out of the fog long enough to realize I had to end it, and I did.
No talking to him, no explanation, I just blocked him everywhere and walked away 3 months ago.
I didn’t want to be his fuel anymore.
And here I am.
So, yes, I’m slowly getting my life back together.
It’s winter here in Canada but I try to get out and enjoy some winter activities. Getting together with friends, things like that.
I’m trying to reengage with my hobbies, but I’m not quite there yet.
I enjoy the outdoors so I get out if I can.
Thanks for listening again!
P.S. I have to say I kind of envy you. I wish I had just a tiny bit of Narcissism. I don’t even have any healthy narcissism lol I’m a wuss!
@Snowpheniox
Thanks for your insight on Narcissism
I have to say it’s a sad condition when you look beyond the way they treat people.
I heard the saying “Hurt people hurt people”
I do know that my exLO suffered from depression, it was evident, I could see and sense it.
Anna,
That is not my “insight”, I copied here a part of the article written by anonymous Professional Ultra-Narcissist (Narc), from whose video clips I studied for two months, trying to really know and understand my Narc mother, and narcissistic father, some Narc and narcissistic friends (women included) in my past, and my possible Narc LO, who turns out to be just a Sensor with some narcissistic traits, not a Narc.
I took a paid test with him (worried I was born a Narc due to my predisposition and the environment. Such a fear actually proves that I was/am not a Narc), my score is 35% narcissistic, 65% empathic. It’s not scientifically accurate, of course, but seems to fit my shoes.
Like with limerence, I believe an insider in narcissism knows best about how s/he feels and how her or his psyche vividly works; outsiders could only theorize, not authentic at all. If DrL had not gone through limerence himself, I would not have talked or stayed on this site.
Dear Anna,
“Oh, I am most definitely going through the withdrawal melancholy period!”
Please be PREPARED that your mood could swing up and down during withdrawal. If it descend down to a bottom of a well, please think: “it’s normal, I know this. I can climb out.!”
“I live alone and work from home, so it’s pretty tough sometimes.”
That’s really, really tough! But I guess fulfilling work could make one feel less lonely while alone.
“I have been reconnecting. So that’s a plus.”
That’s great. It shows that your mind is walking, slowly or fast, away from addictive limerence fantasies.
“Usually when I let my guard down my mind will automatically go fantasy mode but now I feel almost sick to my stomach when that happens? Wow! Like, I literally feel nauseous! I put it down to high anxiety but my gosh maybe my body is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY” lol
I think this is a huge sign of your recovery. Somehow, your mind has deprogramed or “demonized” your fantasy, restricting you physically, from going back there. I feel stupid and very embarrassed about some of my previous fantasies, but not all. Some inspired me to write and create, some enabled me see and treat LO more like a friend now (I forgive others much more easily than myself) Also I’m able to compartmentalize stuff in my head, so my imaginations in the past as well as for the future do not interfere with my logical thinking or work.
“I am perplexed on that being 46 and my background as you know a bit about.”
As we can see from this site, people at any age and from any walk of life could be hit by limerence. For those of us who had some kinds of childhood or youth traumas, it’s even easier to fall into limerence, which allows to dream/imagine, mostly subconsciously, to somehow to repair or makeup our “damaged” past through a “god-sent”, idealized LO.
“My first LO was an acquaintance that I met on-line.”
LO from online is even more illusive than a “mysterious” LO in our reality, whom we could at least instinctually feel with our 5 senses. Imagination/reveries brought by written words are more powerful than chitchat in person; just think of all impact we get from books we have read since young!
I did not realize power of words — 10 people could feel or think 10 different things from one same word, and experienced two LE (from online) like you —
1. One member from a chat room I hosted. We chatted along with others and alone for 8 months. Then I decided to visit him in person across the Pacific. At the airport before he spotted me, I wanted to turn around taking another plane immediately back home — I got an opposite a Glimmer! I was in “limerence” for 8 moths with a bunch of “matching” words this guy said or “conceived”! I managed to stay there for 2 weeks trying to get to know the realistic LO, who was also in limerence with me. I felt sad for him for two weeks after coming back, and then the LE was gone. He got hurt more, as I sensed from his later emails.
2. The second one was from a dating App. This time, I decided to check him out (across the Atlantic), along with other two possibilities, in one month after some heated “romantic” chats. When he came to take me out for an expensive dinner, he had to shamelessly lie explaining why he “forgot to take off his wedding ring”!
The 2nd dude was not glimmery at all; the 3rd single guy became a friend and the best lover I’ve ever had. He took me to his friends’ parties and we traveled together during my one-month stay. He wished me to migrate there, but there was no Glimmer on my side, plus I was not 18 — his fetish type.
After that trip, I stopped dealing with any long-distance or online dates — it’s an ideal setting for limerence! One could not get to know them regularly or spontaneously as a real person, but dealing with an idea of them in one’s head.
“Deep down I knew he was narcissistic because he reminded me of my father and his actions.”
My Narc LO #6 reminded me of my mother. It ended up I fist punched his face in front of his colleagues and friends (happened after one glass of wine in my empty stomach during a charity event), cut off with him in one month despite his hoovering, and took a whole year to get him out of my head. Two years later I pumped him in a nearby bakery (we lived in the same neighborhood), and did not even say “hello” (my heart did beat fast with some unknown agitations). Right afterward, he sent a friend request on FB, I just ignored it.
“My heart sank with this realization because I knew then and there that it wasn’t him, it was my childhood trauma resurfacing.”
I want to say that it’s not all faults of our cptsd. Narcs are those who could sense and spot our vulnerabilities, and thus after us to extract their desired fuel. Due to their deep insecurity, they don’t go after those tough, no-nonsense, clear-minded folks!
“I came out of the fog long enough to realize I had to end it, and I did.”
You see you had strength after your insight, that’s your healthy dose of narcissism! For our mental health, we need to apply it in our tough decisions, in interactions with our narc parents or other narcs, in our pursuit to achieve our small or big, purposeful goals….
“No talking to him, no explanation, I just blocked him everywhere and walked away 3 months ago. I didn’t want to be his fuel anymore.”
Please continue, you’ll get him out of your system soon or later! We can’t save or change those insecure Narcs, including our parents. So let’s change and improve ourselves!
“So, yes, I’m slowly getting my life back together.
It’s winter here in Canada but I try to get out and enjoy some winter activities. Getting together with friends, things like that. I’m trying to reengage with my hobbies, but I’m not quite there yet.”
It sounds like you’re doing all healthy activities to fully recover from LE and for a purposeful living! Keep going! 💪
I’m here to listen to and watch your progress. ☺️
Continued from the article — Narcissism
We always draw positive fuel from our primary source when we first seduce them. We also largely draw positive fuel from our supplementary sources because this is part of maintaining the façade that we are a brilliant, charismatic and likeable person. We do not want the supplementary sources to think to the contrary so we usually ensure that we draw positive fuel from them. We may occasionally, should one of those supplementary sources criticise us, switch to taking negative fuel from them instead. We also, during the course of a day, will take negative fuel from those people we do not often interact with, for example a waitress or parking attendant. That is why you will often see the narcissist behave in a high-handed and arrogant manner towards these people. It is all part of drawing the negative fuel.
Negative fuel is similarly based on words or acts but those, which are infused with negative emotions such as fear, upset, anger or frustration. We actually draw a higher quality of fuel by extracting negative fuel and this is why we always devalue those who are in the position of being our primary source of fuel. Once their positive supply starts to wane and it always does, we will then unleash our devaluation to draw the negative fuel from them.
Some people find it odd that we are perfectly content to receive a dressing down as our intimate partner shouts at us and calls us names. This is not an issue for us. Although we hear what you are saying we are not listening to the actual words that you are using. The insults and slurs pass us by. We are focussed on the attention you are giving us by engaging in this tirade and also the emotion surrounding it. By standing there screaming at us with tears running down your cheeks as you describe how awful and terrible we are, we are drinking deep of the fuel that is flowing from you. We want your attention and we want it wrapped up in emotion. Should your attention as our primary source move elsewhere or we are not receiving the attention from supplementary sources we demand we will take steps to remedy the situation. This is why narcissists are often regarded as drama queens. This is why we always ruin birthdays and Christmas and special occasions for other people because we cannot stand to allow someone else to have the limelight even for a moment. It must always be about us. We must have eyes trained on us and whether they shine with admiration or burn with disdain we care not so long as they do and provide us with fuel.
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We know that because you are an empathic individual that emotions play a significant part in your life. You regard the expression of emotion as an important thing. You are also a devotee of love and therefore have a great belief in those emotions, which are associated with love – happiness, affection, caring, tenderness and the like. By contrast, dark and negative emotions are not things, which you prefer to address or associate with and that is why it is all the more satisfying when we are able to provoke these reactions in you. You are an emotional person. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, we value this capacity for emotions that you have. This is one of the reasons why we select you as a victim, your capability to generate so much emotional content. Consider the times when your narcissist deployed the devaluation against you. You will remember a whole host of manipulative techniques, which were designed to control, provoke, browbeat and extract that prized negative emotional reactions as fuel. The times you curled up in a ball crying, the times you screamed as crockery was hurled about the room, the occasions when you shouted back frustration overloading you at the abhorrent, unjustified and quite frankly illogical treatment you were receiving. You may recall that the ways we treated you, which had the greatest impact upon you, were ones where we acted in a manner devoid of emotion. The cold, hard stares, which stunned you into submission. The savage comments that were delivered in a deadpan fashion. The way we would withdraw from providing you with affection, warmth, love or sex and instead behave like some cold automaton instead. Most of all, one of our most powerful manipulative techniques of course was subjecting you to the silent treatment. Whether it was remaining in your presence but ignoring you or absenting ourselves, this emotion free tool of manipulation always had a dramatic and devastating effect on you. Our acts and words that were so devoid of emotions cut you to the core.…
When we undertook our devaluation of you, you began to see us in our natural state. An individual devoid of compassion, warmth, love or affection. Somebody who can mimic all of those emotions but who is entirely incapable of feeling them. We have not been blessed with those emotions which you have and which you prize and treasure. The ability to be empathic, the capacity to love and care. The ability to be sympathetic and place yourself in the position of another. Remorse, guilt, accountability, regret and responsibility are not concepts applicable to us.
Yes, we have watched and studied so we can fool many people at the outset that we can produce such emotions but the reality is we cannot. Our emotional spectrum is extremely limited. This is part of our design because all those emotions, which you can experience, are denied to us because they serve no purpose to us. They will either prove of no use or in fact would hinder us from getting fuel and therefore we have never developed those emotions. In the same way that evolution supports survival of the fittest, we have developed to survive by harvesting fuel and becoming something, which is primed and created to do so to an optimum level. All those emotions, which get in the way of our stated mission, have never been granted to us. They serve no purpose. Instead we have only been allowed to experience truly other emotions which are there to allow us to carry out our one function and that is to obtain fuel. Accordingly, we are structured to feel rage, fury, envy, pride, arrogance, superiority, hatred, antipathy, omnipotence, boastfulness and jealousy. Those are the emotions that we have been granted. Each of those powers us forward in our pursuit of fuel. It is those emotions, which show what we truly are. We will repeatedly mask them because we are astute enough to know that their repeated application and airing is not deemed to be socially acceptable. We keep them under wraps and only call on them when it is required or when we can give full reign to them as we devalue you.
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Oh my gosh!
No feeling there whatsoever
Thank You for this!
I have been Limerent for a robot it seems
That’s an Ultra narcissist’s own confession!
They’re incapable of true emotions, but they can pretend very well in adoption to their victims’ feelings.
Negative fuel could be more potent to narcissists.
So the aim is going completely NC with them not only in reality, but truly in your head — the thought of them would no longer disturb you, as your therapist has advised.
Anna,
I’ve identified Mom as a Lesser, Somatic Narc, which fits her quite well and I can never go total NC with her, until she leaves this world. Every single time I had to deal with her, I was pushed to the state of irritability and then ultimate anger! She did not care, and sometimes, seemed to have enjoyed it. 😡
My LO #6 is a midrange, type B (A or B category is not listed in this article), Cerebral Narc. He and Mom are two people I ever punched on their face, due to their unbearable verbal and physical abuses of me. I don’t have an ounce of regret for doing so!😡 Nowadays, the idea of LO #6 does not arose any sensations in me, which indicates that I’m healed from LE#6.
Two Springs ago, I thought LO #7 is a Midrange, type A, Elite Narc and verbally accused him so in writing. But some of his behaviors did not quite fit the definition (takes time to observe and confirm). After reading DrL’s article on Sensor, I realize he’s more of a Sensor, not Narc. So I apologized to him and “retrieved” that letter.
Having 35% of narcissistic traits, I am inclined to fight back rather than just being a victim. With the information provided in this insightful article, I’ve learned how to recognize and deal with Narcs, such as Mom, who seems unable to feel even for herself, except a sense of bottomless insecurity, which then arose my 65% empathic traits. I was often caught in between two traits, thus suffer swings between two polarities.
My challenge is keep her out of my mind as much as possible and maintain a maximum equilibrium when I have to realistically help her out for logistic matters.
Continuing the article —
Identifying Your Narcissist
The classification of the type of narcissist that you have become entangled with is dependent on their level of functioning, desire to crush you, fixation with the mind and dedication to the body. The level of functioning will apply to considerations of mind and also the body. I am familiar with these classes of narcissist through my observation of my kind and interaction with those that form part of my family and background. In considering how to identify your narcissist you need to have regard to the two categories from which they may be drawn.
Firstly, there are the relevant schools. This covers the Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater Narcissist. Then there are secondly the cadres, which are applicable to the Victim, Somatic, Cerebral and Elite Narcissists. A narcissist is drawn from both a school and a cadre but there are some combinations, which cannot be achieved, as they are mutually opposite.
The Schools
The Lesser Narcissist
The Lesser Narcissist is typically low functioning. He is unlikely to know what he is and will reject any suggestion that he is a narcissist, instead retreating into blame shifting and projection. The Lesser Narcissist has just as great a need for fuel as any other narcissist but will always take the path of least resistance to obtain this fuel. The Hoover from a Lesser Narcissist will neither be intense nor will it be sustained once he recognises that he is facing considerable resistance. He will instead seek out a new primary source of fuel instead as this will be easier. He has no desire to seek near annihilation of his victims and instead once discarded only Hoover should they present the opportunity on a plate for him to do so. The Lesser Narcissist has lower energy levels and is very much a creature of economy. He sees little to be gained in higher stake approaches even if the promise of the fuel should such an approach succeed be fantastic. He would rather find an easier route. It is not the case that he or she is not a risk-taker but it turns on the fact that they cannot in fact be bothered to chase difficult (albeit more rewarding fuel) and will instead take it from easy sources. They classically always look for the low hanging fruit.
The Mid-Range Narcissist
The Mid-Range Narcissist possesses a reasonable level of functioning. He will work harder than a Lesser Narcissist to achieve his aims and will push harder when Hoovering but he lacks the superior attributes of the Greater Narcissist and does not share the malign intent that the Greater Narcissist is known for. The Mid-Range Narcissist will engage in sustained Hoovers and will look further a field than a Lesser Narcissist to do so. The Mid-Range Narcissist is usually identified by reason of omission. They do not exhibit the incandescent fury, malign intent and utter driven nature of the Greater Narcissist. By contrast they do not either show the economy of approach nor the lesser functioning ability of the Lesser Narcissist. Accordingly, if the narcissist that you have entangled with does not show any Lesser or Greater traits then you can safely place him or her as a Mid-Range Narcissist.
The Greater Narcissist
The Greater Narcissist (sometimes known as the malign narcissist) is a high functioning individual. This narcissist will be well aware of what he or she does, the nature of its impact yet has no regard for the chaos caused or the collateral damage generated. The Greater Narcissist can be identified by virtue of increased energy levels, the greater intensity of the Hoover, the sustaining of a longer period of Hoover and an all-pervading malevolence. The Greater Narcissist will look to crush his or her victim to near obliteration in the ruthless pursuit of punishment. The Lesser Narcissist has no interest in punishment. The Mid-Range will achieve punishment if little effort is required. The Greater Narcissist has punishment very much on his or her agenda and will readily expend considerable energies in achieving this so long as sufficient fuel exists to support such a campaign. The Greater Narcissist has a more expansive manipulative toolkit and is capable of wreaking extensive harm to those who cross his or her path. A Greater Narcissist, if he so chooses, could readily seduce a Lesser Narcissist although naturally such a step would be fuel-limited and the categories of empathic individual, super empathic individual and co-dependent are vastly preferred.
Turning to the cadres. By way of reminder there are four. Victim, Cerebral, Somatic and Elite. We address the Victim Narcissist first.
One of my previous LO’s was a Greater Narcissist married to another Greater Narcissist, from what I see here. Both of them are inclined to punish people…and at least one of them still stalks me online, 14 years after we broke things off. And for five years, I thought that LO was the most awesome person ever.
Now, you know why he did what did!
A Narc is the cake that cannot be unbaked, they can’t help themselves no matter what. We can’t ever expect that they would change somehow.
I’m amazed that two great Narcs could stay married, usually they’d fight their teeth and nails off to take an upper hand…
But this big world has infinite types of personality and their subtle variations, what do I know?!
I heard stories of abuse and witnessed some fights, so I don’t know how they stay married!
Victim Narcissist
All narcissists play at being the victim at some point but not all narcissists are of the victim variety. Non-victim narcissists are content to use their perception of victim hood by virtue of manipulating their targets and victims. Furthermore, they will use their perception as being a victim for the purposes of driving their desire to act against people. Non-victim narcissists use the concept of being a victim as a device and place it on themselves and remove it at will like a mask. True Victim Narcissists adopt a permanent state of being a victim both in outlook and behaviour. They regard the world as a place whereby they have been denied their rightful inheritance of looks, intellect, wealth and power and instead they rely on others to provide it to them instead. The Victim Narcissist will look to others to repair his failings such as lack of money, lack of home, lack of job and overall lack of competence. He will not look for his narcissism to be fixed because he is unaware of what he is since the Victim Narcissist is low functioning and can only be from the school of lesser narcissism.
Should you become entangled with a Victim Narcissist he or she may lash out at you. Indeed, owing to their low functioning, physical abuse ranks higher as a manipulative tool with these individuals. This lashing out however is not borne of a malign nature because the Victim Narcissist lacks both the capability and desire to behave in a malign way. You will not find a Victim Narcissist who is malign.
The Victim Variety of narcissists is somebody who lacks the body and looks of obsession of the Somatic Narcissist and also lacks the intellect of the Cerebral Narcissist. He is typically a low-functioning narcissist since he does not inherently have the wit or intelligence to seduce his victims through words and demonstrations of intellectual brilliance. Neither does he have the drive or discipline to take care of himself physically, dress well, and have a rigorous hygiene and looks maintenance ritual. He is however a narcissist and needs to seduce his victims all the same and he does so by presenting as a victim who needs looking after.
They also do not tend to love-bomb hugely effectively but instead they merely hide their savage side in the initial stages so they are at least not off-putting. I also tend to think that they draw their victims in not by a show of supremacy and strength but rather by eliciting sympathy. They play on the empath’s sense of caring and nurturing and present as a victim in order to be mothered by the empath. Accordingly, they do not exhibit the same degree of allure, charisma and all around sparkling brilliance as we do. They are still able to draw people in because there are caregivers who do not care so much about how someone looks and so on, but feel sorry for them and want to care for them and make them better. Similarly, in sexual matters they exhibit no brilliance between the sheets and may even demonstrate incompetence in order to draw further sympathy and invite the caring empath to teach them to be better. These narcissists are entirely self-centred and lack the charm and tools to draw their victims in with brilliance and magnificence. These narcissists do tend to be from the lower functioning variety that is not especially good at anything. They will provide some embellishment but again because they are low-functioning they will lack the intelligence, guile and wit to conjure up fantastic tales of achievement and accomplishment. Instead, they need to keep their abusive streak in check, something they are able to do but they need to find some other way of drawing in their victims. They cannot hold up anything shiny or sparkling in the way that most of our kind does. Instead, they do the reverse. What they exhibit is rusting, battered and dented but they do it in a “Shucks look at me, I am in a bit of a mess, and I need someone to help me out, would that kind person be you?” They present their victim status very early on and this will not be attractive to many people but it will draw certain people to them, those who want to care for them, mother them and make them become better. The Victim Narcissist often lacks any financial resources, may not be employed (and if he or she is they will be in a low-skilled occupation) and will relish the opportunity to forgo working so that the victim can support them. This type of narcissist has no interest in status unlike say an Elite Narcissist, but instead their sense of entitlement will outweigh any concerns about status. You should look after them if you say you love them. They are entitled to be cared for by reason of the fact that they are victims. They will regard themselves as a bit of a rough diamond, which needs polishing up and the empathic victim they have selected is just the person to do this.
Since this type of narcissist does not rely on being a shining beacon of attraction to people but rather a battered old vehicle which needs some tender loving care he sees no reason to let the flattery flow. There is little in the way of grandiose gestures or extravagance. Instead he will just play the victim card repeatedly in order to keep that empath looking after him and drawn to him. He is appreciative of the attention and caring and why not? He is gaining fuel but is also being looked after. He will probably not work and rely on the financial ability of the victim in that respect. He will help a little, just enough to avoid reprimand and enough to draw thanks from the empath. He keeps the abuse in check and therefore whilst never over the top in word or gesture he is pleasant enough. He certainly is not horrible. His gratitude at being looked after and given attention by the empath satisfies the empath and they are willing to overlook the deficiencies because they feel good about taking care of this person.
Since this type of narcissist has no need to look good, sound great and shine this attitude pervades into the sexual arena. He need not make his partner feel orgasmic and in a higher place. She will just be grateful he made the effort. In that way that all empaths make excuses she will regard his ineptitude between the sheets as just another item that makes him seem lovable and charming. Okay, he is not the world’s best lover, he is not even in the top thousand but he tries and that is all the empath in such a relationship, as this, will want. The empath may just be happy to have someone to share his or her life with and care for. They are not scintillating like me and others that are like me. Accordingly, therefore being a sexual superstar is unnecessary. As I have mentioned in other writings, we are not only creatures of economy but we have been created economically. We do not like to expend energy unnecessarily. It is also the case that if it is not going to gather us fuel we do not need it. In the way that we are not furnished with empathy or the capacity for the remorse, because they do not gather any fuel for us, the low functioning Victim Narcissist is not blessed with sexual prowess, as it serves no purpose for him. He will only seek out those that want to mother him. He will not seek out those who want to be taken to sexual nirvana repeatedly. He will not need to use this sexual weapon to charm his victim because his helplessness and victim status does that for him instead. Accordingly, many of these low functioning narcissists either have little interest in sex or are useless at it.
Sex is still a material factor in the relationship with the Victim Variety because he will exhibit incompetence in this arena so that the caring empath feels sorry for him and will even feel a need to try and teach him. Some narcissists who are of the Victim Variety will go even further and demonstrate varying degrees of frigidity. Once again, this is designed to draw out sympathy from the empath. It is also done to garner sexual attention as well. By exhibiting no interest or little interest in sex or even appearing impotent, the desire to fix will be overwhelming for the empath who will do her best to try to light the fire of desire in this low-functioning narcissist.
The Victim Narcissist will often present with illnesses and ailments. He does not enjoy good health, which is a consequence of him rarely partaking in exercise and his inability to look after himself properly in terms of nutrition and/or hygiene. Not only will he appear with numerous ongoing physical health complaints he will typically invent additional ones in order to draw sympathy and evade having to do things. He has repeated bad backs, injured knees, depression, headache and the like. He is a malingerer and if he cannot point to one of his many ongoing complaints he will readily invent one in order to ensure that the empathic individual that he has ensnared will continue to care for him. You can guarantee that the Victim Narcissist when performing a Hoover (albeit of low intensity and not for a sustained period) will always use the Emergency Power Play and/or the Victim Power Play as part of his portfolio.
You will always find Lesser Victim Narcissists but never any Greater Victim Narcissists. There are occasional Mid-Range Victim Narcissists but the vast majority hail from the lesser school.
The Cerebral Narcissist
The Cerebral Narcissist has a limited interest in sex, certainly of the physical variety. This type of narcissist prefers to flaunt his brilliant intellect as the method by which he seduces his victims. He has little interest in engaging in actual sexual relations because that is not his forte. He has no interest in a remarkable physical appearance because he has no need for it. He need not be toned or slim although it does not always follow that the Cerebral Narcissist neglects his body to the extent that he becomes some kind of slob. After all, he has suitable awareness and intellect to understand the problems arising from the neglect of his health. He will not be an Adonis but it does not follow that he will be morbidly obese and of questionable hygiene habits. His magnificence stems from his high intellect, his amazing memory and his capacity for complexity. It is the repeated tales of academic achievement, cerebral power and scintillating intellect, which are used to wow and overpower the resistance of his victims. The Cerebral Narcissist is well read, extensively schooled and excels in showering all who will listen with evidence of his intellectual superiority. Such brilliance proves highly attractive to a certain section of empathic individuals who wish to engage a brain that is the size of a planet. The conversations, albeit one-sided, are nevertheless stimulating and engrossing. There is never a silence for the Cerebral Narcissist is always primed to provide you with an interesting fact about the champagne that you are both drinking and a historical anecdote concerning the Ponte Vecchio that you are walking over. This walking almanac of facts and opinions is quite dazzling and vastly appealing to some.
The Cerebral Narcissist will engage in sex periodically if the intellectual avenue becomes exhausted. The sex will not be fulfilling for either party owing to the fact that the Cerebral Narcissist is neither interested in this nor particularly proficient. It will be done when the intellectual charm is not working as well as it once did and is often done out of a sense of obligation. The Cerebral Narcissist will feel that every so often he is obligated to discharge his marital responsibilities by engaging in sex with his partner. This is purely done in order to maintain the happiness of the other individual during the golden period and during devaluation, the Cerebral Narcissist will effectively become frigid, as he will have no interest or sense of obligation to engage in sexual relations with his victim.
The Cerebral Narcissist however will often talk about sex during the seduction stage. Words are very much the weapons of the narcissist and especially so with the higher functioning of our kin. The Cerebral Narcissist although uninterested in the physical side of sex, will still wish to show off his vast knowledge of the subject. He will want to regale you with his knowledge of sexual literature, sexual analysis and sexual awareness. He will have read many books about the subject. That is not to enable him to be a better lover but to allow him to be a better speaker about being a lover. The Cerebral Narcissist will engage in seductive letter writing, often of the old school romantic variety. He will tease and titillate using text messages and telephone messages. He will quite readily, purely for the purpose of seduction, talk dirty down the telephone to you whilst you masturbate. He may tell you he is doing the same but he will not as the physical sensation is of no interest to him. What arouses him is the intellectual power he has in being able to use his lexicon of love to arouse you down the telephone line. Your noises of appreciation and compliments provide him with the fuel he requires, he demonstrates how knowledgeable he is about sex by talking in this manner and he has the added bonus of not having to engage in the actual act. This suits the Cerebral Narcissist most well. There will be plenty of opportunities for him to exhibit his wide knowledge of sexual practices in order to heighten your anticipation and to wow you as you listen wide-eyed to his explanations of certain techniques and behaviours and what they achieve. He knows all about sex but he certainly does not put it into practice. That is beneath him. In the way that those with a suntan were once looked down upon because this denoted being a manual labourer, the Cerebral Narcissist looks down on the actual sexual act as beneath him. Why engage in something so crass, something so animalistic and frankly barbaric (other than out of a sense of occasional duty to maintain the façade of the golden period) when one can use the pristine cleanliness of a beautiful mind to gain that all-important fuel? I have a cousin who is a little younger than I am. He is the offspring of my Uncle Peter (who you can read all about in Fury) and has been created in the same way as Uncle Peter but he does not have the interest in sex preferring to use his excellent academic credentials and brilliant mind to effect his acquisition of fuel. My cousin finds the act of sexual intercourse so abhorrent because he sees it as beneath someone with such a fine mind as him that on the few occasions he has been compelled to do it, he runs off to the bathroom afterwards and vomits. Not only does he not like the intimacy that comes with the act of coitus but the noise, the fluids, the interaction of parts from which one urinates all disgusts him as he has told me, to my amusement, on many occasions.
The Cerebral Narcissist places significant weight on his intellect being lauded and recognised. He excels in sitting and passing exams and will have a string of qualifications in order to brow beat any opponent before the debate has begun. He is more qualified ergo he is superior. The Cerebral Narcissist places considerable value on his intellectual achievements being recognised and any failure to do so will ignite his fury. He cannot stand ignorance. He will correct people when they speak, revel in revealing they are incorrect about a fact and love nothing more than to hold forth and argue with people. For him more than any other cadre narcissist words are the essence of his being. He loves the economy that accompanies their use, he delights in the effect they have both in seduction and devaluation and his superiority must always be recognised.
The Cerebral Narcissist, in the same way that he is disinterested in his body and the sexual arena, has no interest in physical abuse. It will take a severe loss of control, possibly on entering the Chaos Mode or alternatively following sustained criticisms whereby the fury is ignited, for a Cerebral Narcissist to use physical abuse against his or her victim. It will tend to be grabbing, pushing and holding down as opposed to punching and kicking. The Cerebral Narcissist is also aware of the evidential ramifications arising from physical abuse and is too clever (unless control has been lost) to engage in such behaviours. He regards physical abuse as beneath him, preferring to engage in the fine art of emotional and psychological abuse.
The Cerebral Narcissist is an extensive user of Lieutenants. His innate charisma combined with his intellect enables him to recruit and manipulate others. Since he shuns the body, he prefers others to do the donkeywork and is entirely content to recruit them to do this on his behalf. He will carry out much of his work by proxy, seeing it as beneath him to become involved in the minutiae of the abuse but rather he is there to plan it, orchestrate it and command it.
Naturally you will not find any Lesser Cerebral Narcissists. They are drawn both from the ranks of the Mid-Range school whereby the Cerebral Narcissist will exhibit all the traits explained above but will lack any malign intent. Those Greater Cerebral Narcissists are dangerous individuals. Their higher function combined with their emphasis on the mind mean that all manner of manipulative tools will be used against you during seduction and devaluation. The Greater Cerebral Narcissist is Machiavellian in approach, covert and extremely manipulative. All narcissists lie but he is the Chief of Lies. Words are his speciality and it follows that in unleashing his malevolent campaign against you lies will be used extensively. In fact, it is fair to say that he will issue more lies than truth and thus makes for a most dangerous opponent.
The Somatic Narcissist
Here comes the gym bunny that has a bottom so tight it will bounce off the walls before he bounces you all around the bedroom. The Somatic Narcissist is obsessed with his or her physical appearance. They diet fastidiously, put the hours in at the gym, select the clothing which allows them to flaunt their bodies and spend a lot of time with their favourite person; their reflection in the mirror. They look for reactions of admiration to their beauty, their physical perfection, their muscular appearance and smart and attractive appearances. The Somatic Narcissist likes to demonstrate athletic ability by showing his body can throw the farthest, run the fastest or dive the deepest. The appearance of his or her body and what can be achieved through it (strength, flexibility, and endurance) are what matter in order to draw fuel from their victims.
This fixation with the body means that the arena of sex is hugely important to the Somatic Narcissist. He wants to look terrific whilst having sex so you coo and purr over that finely honed body, the impressive biceps and rigid six-pack. Not only that but look at how he can have sex for a long time as he flips you from this position to the next like a piece of meat. His stamina is legendary, his ability to get you and him into all manner of positions should be respected and admired and all of this is achieved whilst looking like a Greek god. Whereas the Cerebral Narcissist uses his intellect to conquer, the Somatic Narcissist uses his or her body to achieve the same outcome. His body is designed for admiration and where better to achieve that than in the bedroom.
The Somatic Narcissist will also demonstrate the legendary hypocrisy for which we are known. You must not compete with him in any way in the looks department but you are expected to look your best because you are an extension of him. You must not gain weight, have bad skin, wear ill-fitting clothes or forget to shave your legs. You must walk the tightrope of ensuring that you fit in with his image of bodily perfection whilst at the same time not pulling the spotlight away from him. The Somatic Narcissist will excel during the seductive stage because the twin allure of somebody looking so good and performing so brilliantly between the sheets will blow you away. You will receive premium quality sex, amazing orgasms, grade A sexual encounters. His stamina is vast, his eagerness and readiness to copulate is staggering and you will be the beneficiary in all of this. This is just a fortunate coincidence for you because as with all types of our kind, the Somatic Narcissist is just after your fuel. You may not regard this as such a problem during the seduction phase. So what if he gets off on your screams of pleasure and your repeated appreciation of those defined forearms and pectoral muscles, you are being given the sexual time of your life, he deserves the praise doesn’t he? Naturally, this is how we want it to work. You give us the fuel, have no realisation what you are doing, and therefore have no concern, so consequently you embrace it wholeheartedly.
When the devaluation occurs, you can expect the Somatic Narcissist to maintain still a rampant sexual appetite but the last thing on his mind will be making you purr with pleasure. You will be taken against your will, subjected to lengthy sexual hammerings as he focuses on how brilliant he is at lasting so long, how glorious his taut muscles look as he ploughs away at you. There is no consideration for whether you are enjoying yourself or even if you are being physically hurt because all that matters to him is how good he looks and how masterful he is in the sack. If you were to vanish from beneath him, he would barely notice. The Somatic Narcissist is in effect having sex with himself. He is so fine to look at that he would eat himself if he could and similarly he would engage in sexual intercourse with himself if that were a possibility. Masturbation ranks high with narcissists anyway but this action is even more prevalent with the Somatic Narcissist. He will position himself in front of a mirror and as he plays with himself, he will admire how he looks and this reinforces his need for you to admire him also. The Somatic Narcissist will bombard you with pictures of his buff body and his penis during the seduction stage. He will also do this with online strangers in order to gain their admiration also.
Exhibiting their physicality is necessary for the somatic variety of our kind. Accordingly, you can expect sexual gymnastics during the seduction phase and then to be slapped, smacked, bent over, throttled, pinned down and all other manifestations of physical dominance. The fear in your eyes as he pins you to the bed and takes what he regards as his only goes to fuel him further. Any kind of treatment, which emphasises his physical prowess and superiority, will be meted out in the sexual arena and invariably you will suffer consequently. You can expect to be humiliated, dominated and shoved around by the Somatic Narcissist during devaluation. You are little more than a blow-up doll to him, which is to be manipulated into all manner of positions all in order to make him look magnificent. You are expected to be grateful for the sexual pounding you have received and if your praise is not forthcoming then expect the consequences, as this inherent criticism will ignite his rage. Rather than rely on withering put downs and caustic comments, the Somatic Narcissist will lash out physically, again underpinning his physical superiority whilst storing away your transgression for use in the sexual arena at a later date. The Somatic Narcissist will insist on bondage, your subjugation being a natural consequence of his superiority. You will be bent over his knee and smacked with his hand or a cane. I know of one narcissist who would apply nettles to his scrotum because he explained it gave him a massive and sustained erection, notwithstanding the pain and he expected his victim to endure the application of those nettles to her nipples, bottom and thighs in order to heighten her sexual experience also. In the hands of the Somatic Narcissist, sex is a highly charged weapon. It is with the Somatic Narcissist that you will experience the greatest highs during the sexual seduction and the humiliating and hurtful lows when the devaluation occurs.
The Somatic Narcissist lets his or body do the talking and therefore words whilst used by the Somatic Narcissist are used less extensively and with less impact than if they were being wielded by the Cerebral Narcissist. You will find that much of what the Somatic Narcissist will say will revolve around how magnificent he or she looks, material items, his or new car, the new house they have bought or the new extension to a house. The material and the tangible are what matter to the Somatic Narcissist and accordingly money, expensive items and events are high on their list of priorities. It is all about how it looks. They like to appear magnificent both in their appearance and the environment in which they operate. They are the epitome of showing off the shiny and the sparkling as part of their approach to seduce and beguile you. During devaluation you can expect all of the beautiful things to be withdrawn and for their words to focus on how you have lost your looks, gained weight, how you are not caring about your appearance anymore, that you are failing to keep the house tidy and such like. Much of what the Somatic Narcissist will say will revolve around appearance and presentation.
There are no Lesser Somatic Narcissists. Their lack of interest in their environment, lower functioning and general poor physical appearance and health do not equate to the Somatic Narcissist. The Mid Range Somatic Narcissist is still rampant in their sexual appetite, their desire for all to look beautiful and their obsession with looks. They will however lack the drive and malignant nature of the Greater Somatic Narcissist. This creature is a lady-killer or a seductive siren. Utterly vain, compellingly beautiful or handsome he or she knows that to look upon them is to look upon the beauty of heaven. They regard their beauty as captivating. They turn heads, stop traffic and have people fall in love with them from the moment they set eyes on him or her. The Greater Somatic Narcissist has an incredible sexual appetite from the get go and uses this to stun their victim into submission. By equal turns they will wrench it away from their victim once the malign nature is unleashed. The Greater Somatic Narcissist is a cruel creature, entranced by their own image and someone who is all too ready to lambaste others who fall beneath their ridiculously high standards. The Greater Somatic Narcissist is an occasion when beauty has never been so ugly.
The Elite Narcissist
The final category of narcissist is the Elite Narcissist. He combines both the looks and physical supremacy of the Somatic Narcissist with the intellect and spoken charm of the Cerebral Narcissist. The Elite Narcissist will talk you into bed and deliver as well. He will have your mind aroused and then your body. He may not be quite the sexual champion that the Somatic Narcissist is but he is no slouch. He will look after himself and be trim and athletic if not ripped and buff, but such a look is not beyond him. He may not have the total cranial magnificence of the Cerebral Narcissist but again he is no dribbling idiot. He has plenty of intelligence and wit, which he puts to good use. This combination of intelligence and looks creates the deadliest narcissist because he can use both to charm and seduce you and then use both to devalue you. Hence, he is categorised as an elite member of our club.
The Elite Narcissist is interested in sex because he recognises that sex comes in many forms. He knows that it can be the sensual whisper in your ear or the raunchy text messaging he sends you. He knows it is the athletic and sudden performance in a penthouse suit and the gentle, tender lovemaking that you crave. He has none of the disgust for the sexual act like the Cerebral Narcissist and does not rely solely on physical domination like the Somatic Narcissist. He is able to combine both worlds and straddle the same in order to exact his manipulations. Where the mouth leads, his body will follow and you are subjected to the one-two combination. Whilst the Victim Narcissist needs the mothering empath, the Cerebral Narcissist needs the disciple empath who worships at this temple of knowledge, the Somatic Narcissist needs the empath who is swayed by looks, and the Elite Narcissist just needs somebody with empathic qualities. They may not be a complete empath but the everyday charm and attractiveness of the Elite Narcissist will seduce someone who may have lower empathic qualities than normal and this in turn provides the Elite Narcissist with access to a larger pool of potential victims. Naturally, the Elite Narcissist will be using sex (in word and deed) to ensnare an empath, a super-empath or a co-dependent but he is able to mine fuel from some of the lesser prospects. The Elite Narcissist will use the spoken charm and knowledge of the Cerebral Narcissist and meld it with the sexual physical allure of the Somatic Narcissist to create a very potent sexual magnet indeed. Few can resist him and the sex he grants is gratifying on many levels. For the same reason, when the Elite Narcissist commences the devaluation, his victim is subjected to a further double whammy as spoken word and physical act are used against her. The effect is devastating.
The Elite Narcissist stalks the world with his double-barrel of capabilities to charm and ensnare and when the time is right he can turn that double-barrel on his victim and unleash not one but two forms of devastating devaluation. This cadre of narcissists is very difficult to resist. Although it may look like an oxymoron there are Mid-Range Elite Narcissists. This means that those who combine looks and intellect do so with particular effect but they do so without the drive and malign intent of those from the Greater school. They perform effective Hoovers, which are sustained and intense because the Elite Narcissist has combined two cadres of narcissists, which gives him or her more tools to apply, more manipulations to administer and a greater prospect of ensnaring their victim once again. Those that are without the malign influence will move on to a different victim should the current target exhibit a slavish devotion to No Contact.
Ultimately there is the Greater Elite Narcissist. This malevolent and malign creature will seduce you with a double whammy of looks and intellect, whisk you off your feet in seconds and be the toast of everyone you know. You will be regarded as having secured the golden ticket to the golden period and in utter nirvana. As ever the higher you climb the greater your fall and when the Greater Elite Narcissist unleashes his or campaign of vitriolic devaluation against you, you will need to get far away if you are ever to escape him or her. The Grand Hoover deployed by the Greater Elite Narcissist is of hurricane force as every conceivable method of manipulation is hurled at you in a fearsome bid to cause you to capitulate. Even if, somehow, you manage to survive the Grand Hoover you will be subjected to repeated attempts to draw you back in. No matter what other fuel the Greater Elite Narcissist has acquired he or she will still dedicate time and energy to your downfall. They will not rest until one day they have secured that potent Hoover fuel from you. It may be tomorrow or in fifteen years but they will always come after you.
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Regardless of schools and cadres, all narcissists, in various forms and degrees, consciously and instinctively exhibit:
Status
Entitlement
Omnipotence
Superiority
Lack of Empathy
Attention Seeking
Lack of Accountability
This lack of accountability and responsibility manifests in many different ways. This includes the following: –
Behaving as we want
Ignoring rules and conventions
Never accepting blame
Never apologising
Not helping in any scenario be it work or home
Having no regard for legal process
Making and then breaking agreements
Failing to pay in respect of obligations such as bills, child support and spousal maintenance
Repeatedly lying to maintain the avoidance of accountability
Challenging those in authority
Blame Shifting
Blame shifting enables me to achieve several things: –
A method of defence from your attacks against me and rejecting criticism
A method of control by asserting that I am in the right and you are wrong
A further method of wearing you down by projecting the blame on to you which is something you cannot understand yet you will keep trying to make me see the incorrect nature of what I am doing, to no avail
Provocation so that you react and provide me with that all-important fuel.
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With sufficient insight, full knowledge of an Ultra narcissist, any confusions and puzzling deeds of narcissists from any school or cadre or a combination, could be logically explained and intellectually entertained.
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The End
Signs that your partner doesn’t respect you…
As told to me by LO #2:
LO #2’s father was in an open affair. One day, LO #2’s mother found a note from the woman in his pickup truck. She confronted him about it.
He took it from her, said, “Thanks, I wondered where I’d left it,” turned around and walked away.
From what I could tell, they stayed married until he died. I have no idea how or why.
Well this is an insightful post. For me at least…. I’ve been trying to understand for months why my husband was able to so swiftly and gracefully excuse both my PA and LE last year. I came up with a couple ideas but missed the core of it: how? Answer: Because of all the items on that list I only broke the first, and not very often. Like Adam here I know what an amazing person I married. I have tremendous admiration for my husband’s finer qualities. I got overwhelmed and bombarded by too many new contexts and people and I simply lost my way for awhile. I was even up front with my husband, therapist and best friends as I felt myself sinking further into disorder. I omitted facts before I lied. My husband just didn’t think to ask about my day… what I did, who I was with… because he never really had a need to … until he did. And then I lied for several weeks last summer (and once during the fall). It’s all over now -Thank God!- I’m back to being me. The PA tried coming back into my life last month and I was nothing short of disgusted with him for daring. I’ve even moved past LO#3… Wow! Today marks the one year anniversary of my husband losing the job that forced me into the workforce full-time. I’m nearly at the one year anniversary of meeting the PA and LO#3. Same day. Same hour. I want to cry when I think back to a year ago today. If I could I would tell myself to just keep holding on, that despite everything I’m about to experience and feel that the only truth and certainty is my husband’s love and devotion. And it’s going to be enough to see me through this. That’s what I would tell myself.