One of the core principles for limerence recovery here at LwL is that limerence is happening in your head. At the most fundamental level, limerence is a consequence of neurochemistry – it’s an altered state of mind. Consequently, any recovery plan needs to disrupt the thoughts and behaviours that maintain that altered mental state.
While this is undeniably true, limerents can also be forgiven for feeling that they are, to some extent, the victims of fate. In most cases, people don’t actively seek limerence to deliberately cultivate an unhealthy obsession. It just happens.
We meet someone who causes the glimmer, and then all the cumulative influences and vulnerabilities that have converged at that moment in our lives determine how we react, what happens next, and how deeply we fall for them.
It’s like there was dormant romantic bomb within us, and we didn’t know what would set it off.
To milk the metaphor, the components and explosives of our romantic bombs come from both internal and external sources. Some of them are due to our own thoughts and behaviours, but others are due to external factors that we can do little to control.
It’s worthwhile recognising this reality, and accepting that limerence – like so much in life – is an amalgamation of our personality and our personal circumstances. Identifying the key drivers of limerence, and sorting them into internal or external forces, is a useful first step in figuring out how to overcome them.
Internal drivers
1. Rumination
Limerents love to daydream about their limerent objects. It’s a way of getting a second-hand bliss hit. This could be fantasy, it could be social media stalking, it could be overanalysing previous contact, or rehearsing what you will say or do the next time you meet.
Rumination inevitably keeps LO front and centre of your consciousness and feeds limerent desire. Falling into the habit of using rumination for mood repair deepens the addiction further.
Too much rumination can also transition into unwelcome, intrusive thoughts.
2. Insecurity
A second big internal driver of limerence reinforcement is insecurity about your own value or attractiveness. There a two big consequences to insecurity or low self-esteem.
First, it can make you more vulnerable to an LO who makes you feel good about yourself. It is intoxicating to have someone flirt with you and telegraph their romantic interest, if you feel otherwise unattractive and unlovable. Believing that LO finds you attractive can trigger the glimmer in vulnerable limerents.
The second consequence of insecurity is that it makes you hesitant to act. If you lack confidence in your appeal, you will be more cautious about openly expressing your feelings to an LO. The reason that is a problem is that it keeps you in a state of uncertainty – and uncertainty is rocket fuel for limerence.
In contrast, a limerent who is confident enough to pursue their LO directly can secure reciprocation or a clear rejection quickly, resolving the limerence at an early stage.
3. Indecision
A third internal driver is indecision. There are lots of potential reasons why people can be indecisive. Some people have a naturally cautious temperament. Sometimes, making a decision feels like killing hope. Sometimes the “correct” choice seems impossible to reach because everything is so delicately balanced.
Take the limerent in an unhappy marriage with an unreliable LO. Should they recommit to their marriage? Should they end the unhappy marriage? Is their judgement and memory of their marriage being unhappy even reliable, given the derangement to reason that limerence can cause? Will they regret their choices once the limerence passes?
You might not have much sympathy for someone in such a predicament, but I think everyone could accept that decisive action is difficult in such circumstances.
The longer you put off a decision, the longer you sustain the uncertainty that deepens limerence. It’s easy to convince yourself that keeping your options open is prudent, but it actually just sentences you to limerence limbo.
4. An anxious attachment style
There is a powerful correlation between limerence and anxious attachment. In fact, you could make a case that almost all limerence attachments are anxious in character while the limerence lasts, even if they ultimately give way to a more secure or avoidant style. Limerence is about securing a pair-bond – it is, by its nature, hypersensitive to risk and reward.
Nobody chooses an anxious attachment style. It’s a consequence of early life experiences and formative events at key developmental stages. Nevertheless, it is an internal factor that can exacerbate limerence by causing intense concern about the quality and stability of the bond to LO.
Two powerful intrinsic drives will be working together to desperately seek ever more intimacy.
5. Other coincident vulnerabilities
In the same way, many other personality traits and mental health conditions can spark off limerence to influence its intensity.
I’ve written before about the universal versus personal aspects of limerence. We all have the same basic circuits built into us for reward, arousal and bonding, but what fires them up and drives them into the state of hyperactivity during limerence will be a personal matter.
I often get asked about how limerence intersects with various types of neurodivergence or other mental health conditions – ADHD, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, borderline or narcissistic personality disorders and more. The only answer I can reasonably give is: it’s hard to say.
Many of these conditions involve atypical responses in the core systems that regulate limerence (reward, arousal and bonding) as well as several other systems that modulate those core systems in turn (memory, anxiety, mood). As a consequence, the patterns of activity caused by limerence will be running on neural systems that have existing instabilities and peculiarities.
Some pre-existing conditions may make limerence more likely to happen – make it easier to slip into the altered state of mind. Alternatively, maybe it’s just that a combination of limerence with another condition colours the way that limerence is experienced.
Maybe the quirks just sum up.
External drivers
With those internal drivers of limerence out of the way, it’s time to consider the external forces that can make the situation worse.
1. Barriers
The obvious first case of an external driver for limerence, is the presence of barriers to the free expression of feelings. Barriers are impediments that thwart the limerent’s ability to seek honest and open connection – things like being married to someone else, having a professional relationship with LO (or some other duty of care), living a long way from LO, or having a mismatched sexual orientation.
Barriers can fuel limerence because they impose indecision and inaction. Even if you’re generally a decisive person, barriers prevent you from being straightforward and force you into a state of uncertainty.
Even worse, barriers can fuel a sense of grievance. The world is unfairly preventing you from experiencing True Love. Ruminate on that discontent for long enough and you can fall into a pattern of behaviour where you begin to rebel, and start to test the strength of the barriers – how much can you push at the bounds of propriety to find out how LO really feels…?
2. Responsibilities
Existing responsibilities that prevent you pursuing an LO are a special type of barrier – one that is more psychological than practical. If you have made commitments to others, you are clearly constrained in what action you can take with a new LO.
If your responsibilities are purposefully chosen and life-affirming than this can actually be helpful. It is a good mental shortcut to remove uncertainty: I chose this commitment and I will honour it, and that means resisting the limerent desire.
Unfortunately, responsibilities can also feel like obligations – a commitment that you feel duty bound to honour, but might now regret. That can lead into the same risk of resentment and discontent as the more practical barriers, reinforcing limerence through rebellious boundary testing.
3. Cultural pressures
A third form of external pressure is social or cultural stigma. Limerence doesn’t care about ethnic or historical feuds, religious edicts, family expectations, or cultural traditions. It’s deep and animal and transcends customs and convention.
Limerence across a sociocultural gap can provoke the same feelings of injustice and rebellion as any other barrier. Forbidden love doesn’t just fade – it sickens into heartache.
4. A difficult LO
Another obvious external driver is an LO who behaves in a way that worsens your limerence. This could be entirely innocent. They could be a good person who cares about you. They could be a friend who genuinely enjoys your company (not realising you are infatuated). They could be a damsel in distress who you feel compelled to save. Your LO could simply be acting in the way that comes naturally to them, and it just happens to really trigger your limerence circuits.
Alternatively, the LO could be less innocent, and actively cultivating your attachment for their own ends. There are a wide range of dodgy LOs who engage in behaviours that are designed to seduce. Learning to spot the red flags for these folks is a good general life strategy.
5. Happenstance
Finally, it’s worth including simple dumb luck as an external driver for limerence. If that person hadn’t got the job, if that mentor hadn’t praised your work, if that accident hadn’t happened, if you’d gone on holiday somewhere else… you never would have met Them.
Sometimes it is just blind happenstance that throws you into the path of an LO.
It’s good to sketch out these different internal and external forces.
For those of us that like trying to make sense of chaos by bringing orderliness to it, these sorts of lists help organise our thoughts. Identifying the drivers that are most relevant for your own limerence experience will be important for planning a recovery strategy that addresses them.
But, there is another inescapable factor that cuts through all the classifications and constructs, a unifying idea that simplifies things:
How we react to the external drivers determines the impact they have.
External drivers are outside of our control, but how we respond to them is not. How we respond is another internal force. The consequences of the external drivers of limerence are decided by how we interpret events and the subsequent actions we take. We can choose to resist destructive impulses and be deliberate in our thoughts and behaviours.
Adopting an internal locus of control is essential for pursuing our purpose, and escaping the limerence-reinforcing habits that keep us trapped in limbo.
Living with purpose saps all the limerence drivers of their power.
It diffuses that internal bomb.
“Finally, it’s worth including simple dumb luck as an external driver for limerence.”
I’m glad you included this. My glimmer crystalization was very much a distinct moment in time. It came in the form of a personal text one Sunday morning. That text was a Cupids arrow to the heart and from that moment on I was changed.
I was naive and read way more into the text than it expressed. I don’t blame LO, but I often think what life might be like had she just not ever sent it.
I think the internal dominoes need to line up so that limerence, or the tendency towards it, is within you *at that particular time*
External drivers then limerence find a home – they often influence who becomes the limerent OBJECT (the vehicle limerence plays out through). We can debate if the glimmer and LE alighting on that person was caused by something in the eventual LO’s behaviour (ie an external driver), or whether our brain is in a ‘scouting’ moment and misinterprets the LO’s actions to mean they become the object (I dislike this term when I think of my LO, but I totally get it).
So my point is there may be external drivers, but there have to be internal drivers too. Admitting it and interrogating why seems like a step on the process of moving forward.
You’re never going to make an omelette if you weren’t at least shopping down the egg aisle.
Ever since I have been learning about limerence, I have been trying to cognitively teach myself that triggers (external or internal) can start the glimmer, and therefore I must prevent limerence as best as I can.
The times prior when I landed in full-blown limerence mode while married, I was ignorant and naive. Now, I am self-aware. At the same time, my limerent brain can find itself in “scout” mode — intentionally trying to find the next limerent experience. I have to override it with my logical brain to prevent it from taking over. It is a continual mental and emotional struggle.
Now that I know limerence is my own personal “pair-bonding” addiction, it makes it easier to want to avoid it because I don’t want to suffer the pain that I did in my prior experiences. I believe I will probably always have this condition, and therefore must use the tools that I can to prevent current and future issues.
It is so hard, because my nature craves intimacy on so many levels. I try to reach out to my female friends for emotional intimacy, and that seems to help. What I crave is complete one-ness with another man though. To be known; to be loved; to know, and to love: the ideal mate. It has always been a part of my core to achieve this. However, having this struggle verbalized and at the forefront of my mind helps me also use logic to try to temper it. It’s a weird mind game I play with myself 💙
„The times prior when I landed in full-blown limerence mode while married, I was ignorant and naive. Now, I am self-aware. At the same time, my limerent brain can find itself in “scout” mode — intentionally trying to find the next limerent experience. I have to override it with my logical brain to prevent it from taking over.“
That‘s me- I also can literally watch myself starting to scout, or circling back to old LOs in my mind, on the lookout for the next hit of the drug. Now I recognize the potential LE before it happens and can stop it, but it’s like „hey! I‘m excited, I‘m happy and alive“, tail-wagging me, and then the realization „no, not allowed. Sit!“ and a deflating sensation.
But I think I’m for the first time „grown-up“ about it. It might be age. Perspectives change somehow at the moment. I cannot fully say where this change goes, but something is happening in my mind, and maybe limerence won’t have space in it soon. That’s the hope, but maybe it will be like LN describes it, a constant struggle.
But at the moment I feel a spontaneous distaste at the memory of past struggles whenever I feel a glimmer, and might just be tired enough of the whole mess and waste of energy to turn my back to limerence for good.
LN, your learnings about limerence and yourself, and your determination to avoid the pain again (however sparkly and nice the glimmer and the affirmation feel), sound really encouraging.
I too think I have now learned (through this site) some of my triggers, how to pull back at the point of glimmer, and why it definitely makes sense. I reckon I could and would cut future ones off early. Wish I had done that with the current one but didn’t have the knowledge and resources at the time. It just becomes harder and harder to cut off the more unwise playing into it we do at the start to cause crystallisation. Oh to have had this hindsight a couple of years ago!
I just hope I can remain strong. But since my spouse has learned about my tendencies/thoughts/feelings toward other men, he has been completely platonic toward me. Cordial, still communicating daily necessities, but 100% platonic. I am not sure where we stand.
I feel like I am suspended in time. And there’s a big void that I don’t want to fill with limerence.
Oh I feel for you.
Have you tried getting him to read anything here to understand limerence more? This seems to have been reported on here as sometimes helpful. There is a guide for spouses on the homepage. Also stuff might be good that portrays it as person addiction or a trait within us (the limerent), not as implying a flaw in the marriage.
I totally get it may not be as easy as this, if it is hard to have an open discussion with him.
I’m male and am trying to think how I’d deal if I found out my spouse was limerent, and what would help. I would probably have a bad reaction at first but what would help is if my SO could be crystal clear she didn’t plan to act on the feelings, and had a plan to manage her way through it. I’d probably want her to distance from the LO. From memories of bits of your posts I’ve seen, you are without current LO? So maybe that should count for something with your SO eventually – that you went through limerence and were faithful, and came out the other side. Hopefully he’ll come round. Sorry to hear it is so tricky for now.
I’m sorry, LN! You don’t deserve this–I hope he comes around!
“It’s easy to convince yourself that keeping your options open is prudent, but it actually just sentences you to limerence limbo.”
It’s important to remember that staying in indecision is usually not “keeping your options open” with an LO. More often than not, the LO is not an option. That’s a false narrative limerents tell themselves.
Yes! Agree 100%
Why doesn’t the internal drivers category include more fundamental biology factors? I’ve stated on here before that I think physiological vitality has contributed to my limerence. If I’m not feeling well physically or dealing with some sort of physical constraint (injury) I find that I’m pretty focused on just returning to functional homeostasis. Chronic conditions like autoimmune diseases can be very taxing leaving people depleted of interest and energy. Additionally, I think there are genomic and hormone drivers… for example, I think the bar of attractiveness for me is much higher than others. I usually go years between finding a man that I genuinely find attractive and my two hardest-hitting LO’s shared a extremely high percentage of physical similarities. It was “love at first sight” with each of them too, having happened too fast for the more abstract, psychological factors to manifest. It’s like my body just wanted their body for the purpose of combining our DNA for making more of a particular kind of people.
Finally I question the universal relevance of internal driver #2: insecurity. While I don’t have a lot of confidence in some particular areas (career for example) I wouldn’t say I have low self-esteem and nor have I ever had concerns regarding my value or attractiveness. Many of the women here have self-reported their high attractiveness and similarly it’s never been a problem for me. The combination of my dark red hair, clear skin, medium height/weight and closer-to-ideal proportions have always attracted men’s attention far more than men having attracted mine. And maybe I was too busy with the kids to notice in previous years, but it seems to me I’m getting more attention in my 40’s either because I don’t have the kids with my much and/or because accumulated wealth and education is having a nuanced affect on my mannerisms and speech: I’m a woman that can carry her own using her own mind and her own resources.
I wonder how and in what ways this list would differ if the author was a woman and not a man.
@SJ.
I don’t disagree with anything you say and I think your reflections are fascinating. However, purely as a discussion point, I actually think a limerent being highly attractive – regardless of sex – can greatly fuel the “hope” part of limerence. 🙂
E.g. if a woman is conventionally very attractive, then I think that makes it ten times harder for her to accept that an LO might not reciprocate her desire. **How can he not fancy me to the same extent I fancy him, etc?** If a man is conventionally very attractive or very successful, it’s the same deal. Being attractive or “a catch” makes it so much harder for people of both sexes to entertain the idea of rejection. Yet attractive people are also unlucky in love.
In other words, a limerent has to believe they are super-duper-desirable to LO for them to have hope of reciprocated passion in the first place. Otherwise, the interaction would be all uncertainty/all insecurity and limerence just wouldn’t occur. In limerence, there has to be a realistic chance the LO is interested. 🙂
Sammy, to extrapolate, perhaps contradict, on that. Before my last LE I think I felt pretty unattractive (low self-esteem) but then when I got attention from this sexy hunk of a man, my self esteem soared. I probably thought: hmm… I must be super attractive to catch his eye. And then that attention becomes even more addictive, like a drug, you have to have it! Because it’s not just about the LO, their attention makes you feel so much better about yourself in every way. And THEN you think: of course LO wants me, I’m so sexy, how could he not?!
@Trifles.
“Before my last LE I think I felt pretty unattractive (low self-esteem) but then when I got attention from this sexy hunk of a man, my self esteem soared. I probably thought: hmm… I must be super attractive to catch his eye. And then that attention becomes even more addictive, like a drug, you have to have it! Because it’s not just about the LO, their attention makes you feel so much better about yourself in every way. And THEN you think: of course LO wants me, I’m so sexy, how could he not?!”
You write really beautifully here, and you explain yourself well. I also think you most charmingly explain why it’s so hard to get oneself out of limerence once one finds oneself in limerence because it’ s like: “Well, this remarkable thing happened to me and permanently altered the course of my (inner) life and I’m not sure what to do about it, or even if I need to do anything about it…”
Speaking for myself, I absolutely hate it when a woman starts to become dependent on me for emotional validation. I take the view that a woman should have stable self-esteem, period. I don’t want a woman’s self-esteem fluctuating all over the place based on how she perceives I’m treating her. In other words, I assume all women have a very strong internal locus of control. And if they don’t have a strong internal locus of control, they should hurry up and find one! Literally, the last thing I want to do is prop up some woman’s self-esteem. (My mother always pressured me to bolster her ego). 🙂
Honestly, I find it annoying and even a bit insulting when a woman starts to base her whole self-image around what attention she may or may not be getting from the opposite sex. I personally don’t want to be responsible for how a woman feels about herself. And I don’t want the power to affect a woman’s mood and/or concept of her own attractiveness. If a woman thinks she’s pretty, well, that’s delightful.
How nice! But I don’t want a woman to need me to tell her that’s she’s pretty. I want a pretty woman to believe she’s pretty without any external input. (The totally logical-but-still-totally-wrong male perspective on what women should feel about themselves).
However, I realise that as a woman, you might disagree with this. You might see nothing wrong with basing your self-esteem around how some guy is apparently reacting to you. And heterosexual relationships probably all start off with both males and females being “dependent” on whether they’re getting positive feedback from the opposite sex. I don’t like all this dependency, though.
I’m kind of allergic to anything that smacks of “co-dependency”. I guess, on some deep level, I’m not cut out for heterosexual relationships, because I honestly find the whole dynamic that usually exists between men and women (i.e. mutual dependency) to be extremely cloying and “off” and suffocating. I think my parents’ relationship sort of turned me off conventional marriage for life. 🙂
As a gay man, the really nice thing about dating other males is all the other males I dated were unbelievably low-maintenance. I didn’t have to buy gifts or pay compliments or lavish attention. Honestly, the less attention I gave my “boyfriend”, the happier he seemed to be. These men all apparently thrived under a regime of “benign neglect”. I don’t think many women wish to be benignly neglected. I think many women, as you say, would appreciate just a little bit of appreciation from a male romantic partner. (Not too much).
If you want the honest truth, the thing I least like about women is women seem to require too much attention. I like women as people, but I also find women mind-numbingly boring. I have a very low threshold on how much attention-seeking I can tolerate from a female. (Twenty-nine seconds and I’m over it). My brain doesn’t reward me with dopamine hits for bonding with women. I’m not a heterosexual because my brain gives me zero buzz for successful interactions with the opposite sex. I don’t get pleasure from women. I don’t get pain or despair from women. I just feel … bored. 🙂
But maybe I’m just weird, and people shouldn’t listen to me. I could enjoy my limerence for my LO without the attraction ever progressing to a relationship or even to sex. I think many heterosexuals experiencing limerence don’t have my self-containment. I think many heterosexuals would start pushing for sex or dating, at the very least. I guess limerence for me was a very abstract thing that didn’t need to find realisation in real life. Nonetheless, it still caused me otherwise inexplicable mood swings. (It seems like once the mood-swing train started, it kept going, even thought I’d long ceased to have any real-life contact with my LO).
I didn’t feel attractive or unattractive prior to limerence. I honestly never thought about my looks. Apparently, I became extremely attractive DURING limerence thanks to chemical changes in my body. (Asian tourists would stop me in the street and wistfully tell me I look like a movie star). Post-limerence, I am back to being indifferent about my looks – I don’t care whether I’m attractive or not. The “sexual radiance” limerence gave me has faded.
My body is no longer full of all those male (oh my gosh, how disgusting!) sex hormones that make it hard to focus on anything apart from … the seamy, shady, seedy, slimy, sordidly Lawrentian side of life. I’m still beautiful objectively, but I don’t really “glow”. I’m gaining weight at a truly alarming rate, and don’t really mind.
Germaine Greer famously complained in the 70s about being a “female eunuch”. If you ask me, gurl was trippin’. I’m actually very happy being a “male eunuch”. There’s a lot to be said for the swift decline of irrational passion and the resurgence of normality. 🙂
I feel like limerence was just something that happened to me that i needed to endure or survive. But I was never 100% on board with the idea. My LO never mentioned my physical appearance, although oddly my very straight friend (transferee #2) did. He told me I was “beautiful and handsome”. I found that comment weird. Why did he have to say both, and not just one or other? And if he was straight, why was he talking about or noticing my looks at all? (Improper! Where are the thought police when one truly needs them?) 😆
Actually, I think he desperately wanted to be in a relationship with a girl. He was upset girls in general “didn’t like his looks”. And he sort of envied me for having a natural asset (good looks) he didn’t have. He believed that if he was as good-looking as me, he would have gotten the girl he wanted. (She turned him down, married someone else). But he did eventually find a girl who agreed to marry him. Our entire friendship was based around him moaning about not having a girlfriend. Come to think of it, he was mind-numbingly boring. 🙂
My LO was beautiful. He looked like he was literally … carved out of wood. He looked like an idol you might find in an ancient jungle. I was quite happy to let him to be the sole “sex object” in our “romance”. I didn’t need him to fancy me. How very strange! I think on some level, since we were both males, I IDENTIFIED with him. His successes were my successes and his failures were my failures. I was attracted to him, but, on an even deeper level, I ALSO WAS HIM. 🙂
“If a woman thinks she’s pretty, well, that’s delightful. How nice! But I don’t want a woman to need me to tell her that’s she’s pretty.” … “However, I realise that as a woman, you might disagree with this.”
Sammy, you’re right, I disagree – and all I can say is thank god you are gay! 😆
However I don’t think it’s that black and white that women always need men to validate their attractiveness. I think it fluctuates, at least for me. You are probably right that in our society women can really not choose NOT to think about their looks. But for awhile before my LE I didn’t really need or look for male validation. It’s a phase I’m going through.
“I don’t get pleasure from women. I don’t get pain or despair from women. I just feel … bored. 🙂”
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just …indifference. (Another Taylor Swift reference for you, from “I forgot that you existed” – coincidentally something that limerents in NC strive for).
“Reading is at the threshold of the spiritual life; it can introduce us to it. It does not constitute it … There are certain cases of spiritual depression in which reading can become a sort of curative discipline … reintroducing a lazy mind into the life of the Spirit.” ― Marcel Proust
After reading Trifles and Sammy’s conversations, a revelation came through, thus I felt an urge to cut into your discussion —I seem to understand better what happened in all my LE and non-LE interactions — WHAT I could (not) do and did (not) do, and WHY I could (not( do, did (not) do…. I appreciate both their points of views, which help ease my current grief and despondence….
@Trifles:
It’s natural for many limerent women and men to want/feel some sorts of validation from LO, whether it’s realistic or just perceived. Sexual appeal/attraction validation seems to be the most dominant limerence wish, especially in the West. However after listen to SJ and your discussion with Sammy, I realized more in my latest LE, it was not so; it’s a vague, but the most profound desire of an extreme lonely and emotionally-abandoned kid who desperately sought a validation of an unconditionally loving parent, for all my life up to the point of landing in LwL.
Many limerents tried to strengthen their external appeals to impress LO during LE, I chose to reveal my internal, repressed vulnerabilities to largely silent, patient LO through my non-responded, unreciprocated monologues. It was because of such a low-expectation dynamic, the interactions psychologically worked positively through my own imagination — my limerent mind automatically gave my creative Phantom all the scripts/responses I had wished to get from LO and then subconsciously believed in them. (Up to this day, I know little what has been going on in LO’s mind after reading/browsing those monologues). Then, my cptsd got eased a great deal! I contribute this “benign” result to the power of honest, fearless therapeutic writing and of wild, free imagination. (It’s not LOs themself, like Anna claimed, but our own mental labors and efforts that have made something positive and our progress/growth out of our painful LEs)
I did not even realize that I had a need for an attractiveness validation during most of my LE, which took place right after my father’s sudden death and which triggered off all my previously unaware cptsd pains. Still, on an unconscious level, I was neurally wrecked in the presence of LO, without consciously understanding what was going on, like what WhoompThereItIs has vividly described recently.
Most importantly, I felt that my inner child was finally heard and validated by my own imaginative Phantom (incidentally woken up by LO as a catalyst), so I do not regret much of this unwanted LE (like DrL says, no one chose to fall into it), which still hurts somewhat on another humanistic level that was unknown to me prior to this LE — jealousy, which in return helped restrain me from crossing the PA line. Prior to this LE, I was never envious of any men or women for anything (never “competed or compared” with any other girls/women for any lady-killer’s affection or tried to get into their harem), except for some dead, famous authors’ imaginations and their fictional characters’ rich inner life.
I have to say that I agree with Sammy’s point (-“I take the view that a woman should have stable self-esteem, period.”) that a mature man or woman (of course still has their individual vulnerabilities) should not and need not to seek a validation of one’s own substantial worth from any other person(s); it has to be cultivated within, period!
I unknowingly sought the “parental” validation in all my LEs, because my parents never gave it to me or helped me cultivate it during my vital developmental years, about which I did not know at all until after I went through therapies of years. I only realized through LwL that even this kind of surrogate “parental” validation can’t be made up even by an LO (no matter how mature or kind s/he is), but only by one’s mature, loving adult SELF through one’s own psychological efforts, such as powerful imagination or therapies.
I also realized that I rarely (unable to) gave the validation of their looks or MF prowess to all my LOs or friends, who also needed them apparently at different levels. As far as I know of, all men and women I’ve encountered needed validation(s) of some sorts, most of the time more than me from them.
From my side, I have always been mostly interested in what’s going on in people’s mind, heart and personality, like a curious reader about an interesting book. Everyone is a book, which colorful contents can only be written by one own pens of SELFs while activity and creatively engaging with the rest of the world.
One more point: we all agree that sexual/attractive appeal doesn’t come exclusively from one’s outer appearance (to me, it’s a kind of aura shining through one’s eyes particularly); therefore if we feel or think (even self-delude) that we are attractive, then there is 1-10% of chance that others would think we ARE; however, if we don’t feel attractive enough to begin with, then there is ZERO chance that others would think we are, although they may flatter so.
Moreover, there is no universal definition of attractiveness/sexiness, why be bothered by it? Despite our LE desire and desperate attempts, we simply can NOT change LO’s individual tastes! Further more, how do we know if/when LO also needs some kinds of validation from us, thus leading the push-n-pull dance with us?
@Sammy:
I could not help talk about the above matter, even though I’m from a different planet 🌎 from yours, with my particular set of upbringing and traumatic experiences.
I argued before that a very attractive look on women could be a curse, like that of Marilyn Monroe. Without her kind of superficial/Hollywood “freedom”and“power”, while growing up in a macho culture, those girls/women (unintentionally turning or spinning other men’s and women’s head around) could have a much worse fate — being ignorantly taken advantaged or emotionally/mentally “abused” by men, even non-predators.
The worse, when they fall in limerence with a man, what would happen? Do you think those heterosexual men, while their “bottle rocket” is spinning or ready to explode (which is nothing wrong in itself — just natural/instinctual), would take time and efforts to listen to, learn about, and understand these attractive women’s mind with its 5000 shades? And there are universally acknowledged and experienced, gigantic differences between heartless PA and affectionate love-making, illicit or not.
Most of my life, I semi-consciously desired deep mental and emotional affection from&for men and a strong, substantial connection with them, without clearly knowing why (—missed natural, instinctive affection-bonding with Parents). But a lot of unwanted male/masculine attention went onto my surface; their flattery or superficial compliments were mostly cloying or even repulsive, compared to my most fascinating “friends” of childhood and youth — classical literature and poetry! That experienced phenomena probably was a cause to drive me into verbal 🤺(= debates) practices — at least to spin my often restless mind….
When I was eagerly chasing LOs’ mind, heart and spirit, hopefully filled with a parental kind of unconditional affection/love, they tried (with sincerity or deceit) to hold onto my blind LE affection and get on my Millennium Flacon flights (MFf) (which I wanted too, but with body, mind and soul all on board, not just a hairy Chewbacca!). So every “relationship” or LE soon or later failed without me truly understanding why…
Now, my 👁️ sees more clearly…. *sigh* = 😔or😮💨
https://youtu.be/hnWJpAMpEvo?si=YsC7mUEd6DxkylwZ — What is an emotionally-healthy Childhood?
If I ever got 5-10% what is defined in the video, it was from my paternal Granny.
I’ve been “handicapped” 🩼 as an emotionally-healthy adult and working to get rid of the 🦯 soon or later…
I’m working hard on renovating my emotional environment in order to leap 🪽 above the water of the regrets for so many big and small mistakes I’ve made, inadvertently or intentionally (rebelliously) 😔
1. https://youtu.be/k-J9BVBjK3o?si=7YAWV4aqbp5Wq5Gn — 20 Signs You’re Emotionally Mature.
2. https://youtu.be/TuE7uDd_kfY?si=9hd3fakzM9Ck0GWX — What Is it To Be Emotionally mature: Part Two
https://youtu.be/K2a79WhvmAU?si=BkminiYUIladt6pb — What Is IT To Be Emotionally Mature — Part One
BEREFT
Robert Frost
Where had I heard this wind before
Change like this to a deeper roar?
What would it take my standing there for,
Holding open a restive door,
Looking down hill to a frothy shore?
Summer was past and day was past.
Sombre clouds in the West were massed.
Out in the porch’s sagging floor,
Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,
Blindly struck at my knee and missed.
Something sinister in the tone
Told me my secret must be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow must have gotten abroad,
Word I was in my life alone,
Word I had no one left but God.
“I think physiological vitality has contributed to my limerence. If I’m not feeling well physically or dealing with some sort of physical constraint (injury) I find that I’m pretty focused on just returning to functional homeostasis.”
This is interesting to me. The longest period I have went without LE, probably about two years, was also a time when I did not have good eating habits. I don’t know if I would have clinically qualified as having an eating disorder, but it was along those lines. All I thought about was food. I think my body went into survival mode, and food was more important than LE. Unfortunately, it’s not a permanent solution. I’ve wondered if maybe I could replicate this in a less unhealthy way somehow. Maybe giving up chocolate or something?
Hi LaLa, it sounds like you get obsessed about stuff. I struggle with obsessions, too. Sometimes I check in with myself, “What is my current obsession? Is it helpful or hurtful? Can I manage it?” My current obsession is running and I think it’s mostly healthy. I’ve had lots of obsessions: education (I graduated from college with a 4.0), cleaning, organizing my space, motherhood, anorexia, developing a career (before motherhood)… those are a few that come to mind. Limerence was definitely my worst. I thought I was going crazy. The intrusive thoughts were just awful. My siblings would say that I was too obsessed with keeping our house clean when we were kids. My need for clean was hard on my family. I could see that I was causing problems, but I couldn’t stop. I was diagnosed with OCD which gave me an opportunity to manage my obsessive behavior. I could check in with myself, my inner dialogue sounded something like this, “I recognize that this mess is bothering me. Would it bother other people? Am I overreacting to this mess?” Having the OCD diagnosis really helped.
You can trade out one obsession for another. I encourage you to do it purposefully. The new obsession needs to interest you. If you start messing with your diet again (I know it’s an easy target for us obsessive types), please consider something healthy like the Mediterranean diet. I encourage you to CONSUME vegetables, fruits, lean proteins and whole grains. Definitely CONSUME food! If it becomes your obsession, go the healthy route. If you want to cut out junk food, that is totally fine, just don’t cut out the nutritious stuff. Whatever you experiment with, hopefully you will find an obsession that isn’t hurtful.
If you start obsessing about your weight, I want you to remember something, your vital organs have mass and that mass is necessary. You don’t want to lose weight off the important stuff like your organs. Be responsible and reasonable.
Good luck!
“It’s like there was dormant romantic bomb within us, and we didn’t know what would set it off.”
For myself, this was not just a bomb.
It was like a limerence meteorite hitting me head on. It came out of nowhere from a Woman so totally out of my league and almost half my age. All it took was her smile.
The timing of my failed relationships
to loneliness, coupled with family drama was clearly why the intensity of this LE became almost insidious.
Ms. Marcia could not be more correct. We waste so much time and many times often on someone that will never be anything to us. So what is the point?
I feel like I will always be asking myself that question.
“We waste so much time and many times often on someone that will never be anything to us. So what is the point?”
Brains are stubborn things though, aren’t they MJ? There are things we can do to improve it, but sometimes they plain refuse to go where they’re told.
@Lim-a-rant,
Yes, I am currently post-limerence. Can’t go into details at this time. Hopefully, I can in the future, but we’ll see.
@Serial Limerent,
Thanks, me too, just preparing for all possibilities though.
Agree @Lim-a-rant. LO would look good pumping gas, working out or pushing a grocery cart. That’s entertainment I’d never get tired of watching.. 🥰😍🤣
Oh yes!
There was most definitely a dormant limerent bomb ticking away inside of me.
That I was blissfully unaware of until all the conditions were aligned lol
But what I thought was a curse coming out of left field was actually a blessing in disguise.
And I thank my dodgy LO too, because it if wasn’t for him and all of the pain and misery I went through during and after my LE, I wouldn’t have uncovered why I lived my life the way I did.
I now know what I’m lacking.
And I’m working on that to fix it.
Hi Dr. Tom!!! so nice to meet you!
Hi Anna,
„ I now know what I’m lacking.
And I’m working on that to fix it.“
Is it very intruding to ask what it is you found out is lacking?
I ask because I ask myself what is lacking in my life, why I’m that prone to limerence. I‘m not sure about it.
I remember the glimmer moment in February 2023. A year and a half on and I am still in LE. I’m much more aware now but my biggest struggle is trying to get the anxiety knot in my stomach to catch up with my head. I’m trying to come through it. Very LC almost NC for 2 and a half weeks but I am still so anxious about the last conversation. I’m aware of my trigger and when something is said to cause jealousy I seem to have no control of what comes out of my mouth. Despite my intense desire to speak to LO to be reassured about the issue that’s causing me anxiety, I have learnt that we can’t control LOs reactions or what they will say which is risky as it opens me up to potentially say more inappropriate, unhealthy and almost unkind things. Not who I want to be and not in line with my morals and values. Despite my urges, I really need to keep my head down and try and convince myself that life is better not worse without LO.
On Tuesday this week the anxiety just went away. Like a switch. It was such a clear moment and it made me realise how much I’d been carrying since the last interaction with LO but also for the past 18 months. I had been praying that the physical feeling of anxiety would disappear because I felt the mind was easier to distract than the physical feelings. I still think this is true, although I know it’s all linked. I feel much lighter and all I want is to feel indifferent to LO. Not uncaring but not consumed.
My mind is now working overdrive and my thoughts and dreams in the night are all reliving painful interactions and i still ruminate over positive ones. Yet I’m no longer waking up sad. I’m working on strategies to distract the mind.
I will be honest, I had drafted a message to LO yesterday, not as a response to a need but in preparation to something that is coming up, and I started feeling nervous again, so even that is a trigger for me.
For now, the cravings are gone, the desperate need for me to be the main focus for LO is reduced. Maybe I’m reaching the acceptance stage. I know that I don’t want that level of anxiety to come back but also that I can’t really control feelings and responses. All I can control is what I do. I know my triggers, I know what causes jealousy and anxiety. I can withdraw now with the hope of reducing the bad feelings.
I’m trying to live purposefully and if things aren’t good at home, I’m trying to refocus my mind elsewhere.
External validation has always been something I’ve needed. It’s hard because as children we are taught to do our best, and we get praise and we learn that praise feels good. All of a sudden as adults we are supposed to just be ok with ourselves despite having very limited training. When someone comes along and praises us or compliments us this is naturally going to make us feel good and of course some will crave it more. If you’ve been going through life feeling like what you do isn’t appreciated or you don’t get a compliment from your SO, of course getting a compliment from someone (potential LO) is going to feel good. I’m very guilty of upping my efforts with appearance during LE and that also felt good. The risk was though that in an attempt to catch LOs eye, I also caught other people’s eyes which wasn’t as satisfying or rewarding.
I’m just trying to cultivate self awareness now and trying to think BIG picture. I don’t need LO. I don’t need to stay in touch. I’m not going to miss out if we lose contact. I don’t want to be the subject of rumours and slander and I don’t want to be anywhere near a potential affair. This is my life. I’m in charge of what I do.
Hi Whoomp,
I think what made it better for me was to stop trying to control things. Its like I said in my previous comment, “what will be will be”, even if you do manage to control things, they soon change anyway. Its futile to try. The LO and their responses really is outside our control, so let’s just let it all go. The peace this brings to my mind is really powerful. People pleasing is a type of control, an attempt to make people feel a certain way about you. Its understandable to try to do this, especially if we are anxious. But its also completely useless.
“I feel much lighter and all I want is to feel indifferent to LO. Not uncaring but not consumed.
…….
I will be honest, I had drafted a message to LO yesterday, not as a response to a need but in preparation to something that is coming up, and I started feeling nervous again, so even that is a trigger for me.”
As you said yourself, letting this need to control LO or how they feel about you will ultimately benefit your relationship with them, ideally culminating in a normal relationship, which we all know is controversial since this may not be possible. But if that’s not possible, it will simply be an indifferent one which is almost as good (or which is certainly better than physical symptoms of limerent-induced anxiety and pain).
Happenstance
This job is my second go at it with the same company. The gal that poached me again worked here the first time I did. Then less than a year after she hired me she quit. Then (yeah this is crazy) someone else I use to work with the first time at this job, moved from a different department and took over her job, bringing LO with him. Then the gal that was presently suppose to being doing her job (not LO) wasn’t then she quit and the company found out how extensive it went. So then the owner of the company said I needed to visit LOs location and help her straighten everything out. Everyone of those things out of my control.
Damsel in Distress
Divorced from a man that choose to break up his marriage with a wonderful woman and break up his family of two wonderful young daughters over some trailer trash hussy….yeah I fell for that one hard. Her own family wasn’t very supportive of her. The company dumped something she wasn’t even responsible for her in her lap and expected her to fix it. And then threw me in the mix.
LO reminded me of the first woman I ever loved. Before Momma. I only realized it months after LO left the job. LO could have been her twin sister. By the time that I was decisive enough to express my feelings to her she had already found someone else. Maybe if I had been more decisive and told her earlier we might have made it together. If I had just told her how I felt. So being indecisive with LO seemed to be safe. I wouldn’t be rejected. And I wouldn’t be divorced. So staying in that limbo was comfortable. I didn’t rock either boat. At least obviously.
Innocent?
Don’t make me choose. Rational me; possibly she wasn’t. But who doesn’t like attention? Ruminating me; not a chance, she’s an angel. Why? Cause it easier to pretend she was innocent in her actions? Easier to blame my reactions to her behavior? Sure. Why would she do anything to exasperate my already borderline inappropriate behavior?
On her last day at the job, I fell on my sword. I decided this was all my fault, let her move on with her life so that she could be happy and I would pay the price for what I did. Two years later, I start to think maybe she wasn’t all that innocent. Then I tell myself to stfu. Sometimes I wonder if when she posts some new picture on Facebook, if she smiles that “evil black widow smile” from the movies knowing it is only a matter of time before I look.
I drank some Negro Modella with our oldest son’s roommate yesterday. I had a cigarette from the first time in a long time with him. Then we (Momma and both boys) went and all ate some lunch and I had some mint chocolate chip ice cream for the first time in a very long time. It’s my favorite ice cream. Sometimes life treats you right. Sometimes it chews you up and spits you out like a wad of chaw.
“Alternatively, the LO could be less innocent, and actively cultivating your attachment for their own ends. There are a wide range of dodgy LOs who engage in behaviours that are designed to seduce. Learning to spot the red flags for these folks is a good general life strategy.”
Thank you for this article.
I learned from multiple independent sources that my LO was a chronic flirt. Even with this knowledge I chose to believe that they thought I was special and that we had a special bond.
Today I can accept that I was wrong and I can see that I just needed to believe that they had genuine feelings for me because I was a bit lost in life.
But, I’m not lost now and I don’t ever want to feel the need to seek approval and validation from crazy strangers.
It’s very easy for strangers to be interested in us – but, it’s the people who are invested in us and who support us who really matter.
Thank you DR L / Tom this article and the Red Flag article have helped to clarify so much for me.
I also really enjoyed and learned a lot from your podcast with the Longing Lab.
I feel like this blog covers everything that happened in my LE and there were probably a few more contributing factors, besides.
Re: The internal drivers of limerence. Attachment styles – yes. I think I probably used to have a slightly avoidant style but grew out of it under the careful attention of my husband (SO) who is just so affirming that I don’t even want to talk about him as its annoying and smug for other people who may not be so lucky to read about. But those neural circuits are known to me from before and there may be some remnant archetype for me to create an unobtainable (=unavailable) LO. Regarding obsessions and compulsions, yes, this is something I also recognise about myself. Certainly prone to rumination and anxiety.
The external factors that meant I fell into my first ever LO were peculiar circumstances (=happenstance?). Bad family health problems/tragedy, incredible work pressure and stresses with a leadership role I didn’t want, mid-life blues where I was post-small child rearing and emerging out from inside that particular rabbit jole. Once the glimmer crystallised, I used limerence for mood repair and escape from the disaster zone that was life in my wider family and stress in my job.
Another external factor was my LO as he was also at fault in my case, I believe. I think my LO is a serial limerent and that when I met him, HE was ‘scouting’, whereas it was my first rodeo. But, ironically, I think what happened between us bit him badly, at least as badly as it bit me. And it bit me very badly. I was ‘out of it’ for several years, though I feel better and better recently.
I could be wrong but I am feeling quite balanced these days where the highs and lows have almost disappeared completely. Even though I sort of blame him for leading me on, I don’t have any resentments. I have only recently started feeling this balanced way about it and have only very recently realised his role in all of this. Instead, I feel warm towards him, he is nice person. But have stopped feeling any euphoric feelings and mood repair just doesn’t happen any longer when I think about him, so this LE is useless for that purpose. In a way, it has outlived its usefulness. But despite all progress, I do still think about him more than I should.
I tried to explain limerence and my experience to my spouse. He said he looked it up. He thinks it is “BS” and “mental.” Not having good luck here, guys! 😞
Hi LN,
Sorry to read that.
Can you direct him to an article or video that you think would best speak to him ?
Rather than him searching and randomly reading wiki or Reddit forum stuff?
Not sure you want to direct him to LwL, although there are several blogs written to help spouses of limerents.
I found this video from a male counsellor/psychologist to consider on the basics or what it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6lX436qbP0
@IMHO,
I would gladly direct him somewhere, but when he is in this mode he is not open to learning. I showed him the book, and tried to explain my side, but he is resistant to accept this right now. So, we’ll see how things go. 💙
LN, I’m sorry you guys are going through this.
That is hard. It sounds like your husband is hurt. I can only imagine how difficult this is for him. I suspect that he feels insecure right now. I can see why he thinks the concept of limerence is BS because I don’t think I could have understood it if I hadn’t experienced it. The unfortunate and frustrating part is that it sounds like he isn’t ready to try to understand it. I’ve been pondering why that might be. My best guess is that he is hurt and his defenses are up. Adam’s wife and my husband were both willing to learn about limerence. I’m wondering what is different about our experiences. Maybe we got lucky, but if we’re doing something differently that you could do, I’d like to know what it is. I just don’t know. I’m thinking about it, but I don’t know. Neither Adam or I acted on our feelings, but I don’t think you acted on your feelings either. Both of us expressed remorse for our limerence and we both went looking for ways to do better. I think you did that, too. I just can’t figure out what’s different. Maybe we are lucky. Maybe your husband just needs a little time. I wish I could offer support or helpful ideas, but I just don’t know how to help.
I hope it gets better for you both.
Bouncing off what Miss Lovisa said, you also have to remember that no matter where in limerence you are to a non-limerent it just sounds like the “I was drunk” excuse for inexcusable behavior within a committed relationship. Limerence, at least at first glance, isn’t going to quell all the insecurities about themselves and the relationship when you confess intense infatuation for someone outside the relationship. And really the only cure, at least in my case, was give her time and space after the initial confession of limerence.
I let her come to me. I let her ask the questions. I told her to interact with people here on LwL to better understand limerence from a non-biased point of view and not just my own altered mind and altered memories and the rewriting of history I did in favor of LO. All that’s a lot to take in for the non-limerent spouse when you at the same time are asking for forgiveness.
Maybe tell him that you are here when he wants to ask questions and that you answer them. I know instinct is to want to smother him in showing him both your emotional apology and your intimate apology. I know I went way over in the later, thinking that doing that will help my wife know that she is still sexually desirable to me and not LO. Try not to smother. Wait for them to throw the pitch and then you can hit it back to them. Mostly worked for my wife and I.
@Lovisa,
Thanks. Yes, this is correct. He is extremely hurt. But so am I. To betray me and read my journal without my permission, and then get angry and shame me for my personal thoughts, feelings and emotions that I was trying to work through (and spare him the pain)… I just don’t know if either of us will be able to truly recover.
It was quite a betrayal when he read your journal, LN. I can see why you are hurt. I had a limerence journal (3 notebooks) that I promptly shredded after I read your post. They were hidden in a secret compartment in a piece of furniture. I had stopped using them by the time they met the shredder and I kind of forgot that they were there.
My SO did something similar to reading my journal just before I disclosed my LE to him. I was leaking symptoms and he started worrying that I could be having an affair so he checked my phone. I feel betrayed that he did it, but I understand his reasoning. On my search history, he found LwL and figured out that I am Lovisa. He learned things about me that I would have preferred to keep to myself. Since this is an anonymous forum, I have shared some very personal information that I didn’t intend to share in a public setting (I hope that makes sense). I really needed a place to process my LE instead of doing it alone because alone wasn’t working for me.
Anyway, I kind of understand how you feel, but I was very fortunate that my husband reacted differently than yours. I feel so lucky!
I am concerned that you could be unforgiving of your husband’s betrayal and he could be unforgiving of your betrayal and the two of you could continue to pull apart. It seems like (I could be completely wrong) it seems like you desperately want him to understand your perspective, but I wonder if you are willing to spend time understanding his perspective. And when you feel like you understand his perspective, have you told him what you think you understand so that he can say, “Yes, that is right.” Or “Well, it isn’t quite like that, it is more like this…”. You are both hurt and you both need some understanding and reassurance.
I would guess that your husband wants to believe that he is your first choice for a companion. He wants to feel wanted and appreciated.
I don’t know what you have done so far to reassure him, but I hope you are looking for opportunities to thank him for the good stuff he contributes to your life.
My heart really goes out to you, LN. I posted on LwL while I was going through my disclosure process with my SO. I don’t know if it would be helpful, but I’ll include a link so you can read it if you’d like.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-year-purpose/#comment-39004
My experience is different than yours and I hope you won’t compare the two. Comparison truly is the thief of joy, which I learn over and over as a competitive runner. Maybe there is something in my story that will help. I don’t know.
Best wishes!
Hi LN,
I want to send my sympathy to you both. Its really hard that your husband is having difficulty believing in limerence and its effects. One of LwL blogs on Two Tribes describes the difficulty each tribe – limerents / non limerents has in understanding the other tribe’s approach to romantic attachments (though perhaps the argument that limerence is more psychological addiction than romance is more helpful and accurate).
If it is not too close for comfort to have him read these pages, maybe your husband would glean something from that particular post. I put a link to it below.
Alternatively, if you were limerent for your husband at one time, perhaps he would find it easier or more comfortable to understand the concept inside that framing, by revisiting that time together and what was going through your respective heads.
Wishing you the very best.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-two-tribes/
“So, that seems a good way for me to grasp non-limerence – accepting that many other people really do feel these wild emotions, even though I don’t myself, and that that is part of the normal variation that makes us different and contributes to life’s rich pageant.
Having had time to reflect further, and having recently run a survey to try and estimate the number of people in the population who have ever experienced limerence, it seems that Tennov’s intuition was right: there really are two tribes of people who experience romantic love in distinct ways. They also seem to be roughly equal in number, so whenever you find yourself falling in love, there’s about a 50:50 chance you’re connecting with someone from the other tribe. “
You all are great. Glad I have understanding friends in real life and the internet to help and support me 💙
@Bewitched,
I do not remember if I was ever limerent for my spouse. I have only really considered my limerence experiences of others within my marriage, and the pain they brought. Knowing myself, my type of limerence seems to be cyclical — and only starts with another person who is actually engaged with me in my life. So it has been confusing.
Also, my marriage has had a lot of ups and downs. But we eventually worked through them. I just don’t know yet if he has the resilience to work through this particular knowledge of me.
And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is done. Part of me wants to move on.
The other part of me wants to see things through, for myself, for my spouse, my kids, and for God.
And the “other” part of me wants to go on a date with a hot guy really bad! 😉 Got invited to wine and conversation, but had to decline of course because, well, still married.
I have been connecting with some girl friends of mine. One is also an INFJ and can understand me in a way that is so refreshing. She is trying to understand limerence and my experiences. She asked if a “vacillator” lovestyle resonated with me, but in my research it seemed to have some parallells to limerence, but not mostly.
Another friend of mine just recently shared her experience of relationship OCD and how that affected her. So she was able to understand the anxiety portion, but I tried to explain the euphoria and the cyclical nature of pair-bonding for me personally that I have experienced. Some parallels, but not mostly.
So, I am finding a lot of people who are willing to walk through this with me in real-life, and help keep me accountable as well as sane.
@Lovisa,
Your first experience of being discovered is almost exactly what happened years ago, before I knew what this was. Except, instead of compassion and understanding from my husband like yours, imagine rage and shaming… so my husband does not historically have a good response to any if this stuff. I understand this about him. I understand he may have reached his limit. When I try to reach out, he gets angry, upset, sad, all the things. I am giving him space. A lot of space. And I am waiting to see how counseling together will go before making any decisions. I am just preparing myself for worst-case scenarios.
Hi LN,
Thanks for explaining. I find the experiences of those who have had more than one LE very interesting. I have only had one myself and it came as a massive shock so I can understand your SO’s incredulity, to some extent, as I would never have believed it possible for me to feel like that before it actually happened.
My LE taught me a lot about myself. I am still figuring that out. I think I only began to feel better once I stopped trying to control limerence. What I mean by that is surrender outcome to random chance and stop trying so hard to make my LO like me. I know nothing will happen with him and I also know I don’t want it to. I never did. Its strange. But it was not like this at the height of my LE, I didn’t know what I was doing then and would describe it as being quietly out of control. My LE was a lengthy one – 5 years long with about 3 of those being intense. It’s intensity and domination of my life lightened up once the life pressures (that led to a need for mood enhancement) eased and once I had done a lot of thinking, self reflection and hard work not encouraging my LO. Not controlling anything anymore except my own behaviour and strict avoidance of him including at his house this Summer.
For you, I think that you are a self aware person and I think that you may have some inkling(s) about the drivers of limerence are for you. If it is cyclical (and for people you already know and get close to via work) that may give some pointers. The self realisation did not come to me until I was out the other side (I am still going through that phase). I didn’t have childhood issues myself (nothing serious anyway) so that doesn’t explain limerence striking me all of a sudden once other drivers had also activated (I explained them in another post above). I think its about validation and then escapism (mood regulation) and that’s mainly it for me. Boundary setting or stress management could be an issue in certain jobs, I guess. But as Dr Tom keeps saying, everyone is different.
You are in a maelstrom right now:
“And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is done. Part of me wants to move on.
The other part of me wants to see things through, for myself, for my spouse, my kids, and for God. ”
I would kill my SO for reading my journal. I think your SO might have been feeling insecure. Its still no excuse, though. Revisionism of your relationship with your spouse and his less attractive features is probably heightened right now. It would be for me. I would be ruminating like mad on that and working to protect myself. But its maybe an over-correction as you spoke warmly of him on here before.
And because you wrote that second sentence, above, it is important to keep trying for another while so that you never look back with regrets.
Sending much love and strength. Check in with us online friends as often as you feel is helpful X
LN, your situation is so hard. I don’t even know how I would navigate it.
LN,
So, what’s the goal of couples counseling?
He violated your privacy by reading your journal and he appears to feel betrayed and/or scared by what he read.
There appear to be multiple issues that could be addressed. Those can open a real Pandora’s Box.
How will you define success? What outcome do you want to achieve?
@LE,
Thanks for asking. I would probably say the goal is to both heal, try to save and improve our marriage, and move forward and learn from these experiences. I don’t know what his goal is. He says he will always love me, but he is very hurt, and doesn’t want to leave the kids. The children seem to be the biggest factor for him right now.
But if this ends up being his tipping point, regardless of how I try to explain myself and what I have learned this past year, I won’t make him stay. And if all he can provide is a platonic, cordial, roommate-type marriage, I don’t think I could stay.
I have forgiven him. I am a very forgiving person. It’s something he can’t really fathom about me. Can he forgive me? I don’t know. He has surprised me in the past, so maybe. That has yet to be seen. Yes, it hurt that he ready my journal. But it hurts even more that he is writing a script about what he read that is not accurate, even if I try to explain myself. It’s worse that he’s shamed me this time of stuff I never actually said or did to him.
Any advice, LE?
@Bewitched,
For me, being a serial limerent (not proud of it, just a fact) I have learned not read too much into these limerent experiences, if that makes sense. Because, for me, if it can happen over and over again, it must mean that it is something within me. I am the common denominator! That helped me so much. Yes, it sucks that I have these impulses and tendencies, but not knowing what it was that I was/am going through was harder on me than having a diagnosis of sorts to work with. But I am trying to train my brain to see it for what it is, and work with that and not assign these people the label of the “soulmate-that-got-away” narrative my brain tries to trick me into believing.
I have had to let go of control. I have had to accept that, for me, this is not going to go away. It will always be a possibility for me. All I can do is put up barriers, internal and external, to try to prevent it from starting over and over again.
LN,
I recommend that you write down what you just said here and bring it up to the therapist.
Has your therapist broached the idea of meeting with you individually before you meet as a couple?
From my personal experience, individual sessions can be as important as when you meet together. I found that when my wife and I met with the therapist alone, we could be more candid. That gave the therapist more to work with.
The other thing is if you don’t feel like this therapist is helping you, try another one. My wife and I went through two before we found one we liked.
Dr. Marion Solomon contends that when many couples enter therapy, their not seeking true change, they want to become comfortable in their current pathology.
When my wife and I went through problems early in our marriage, neither of us was willing to address the root causes that got there. It took me 20+ years to do that and my wife even longer.
The therapist did her job and we got past it but, honestly, our marriage was never what it could have been had we taken things on. The cost to me was insignificant. All the principals were dead. On the other hand, it could have blown my wife’s world apart.
I hope whatever transpires leads to everyone’s happiness.
LN, chiming in here with a little bit of a different perspective. Do with it what you will!
You said that in your LE’s the common denominator was you. But have you thought: was it also your marriage?? Or perhaps you’ve experienced limerence before, but what was the common denominator there, besides “you”, which can sound a bit fatalistic, and you can’t work with that cause quite as much.
I see limerence as a symptom, for being unsatisfied in some part (or many parts!) of life. For me one reason has actually been being bored at work…
So I would try to look into the other causes. And if it’s your marriage – what would need to happen in it for you not to fall into an LE again?
Hi again LN,
“I have forgiven him. I am a very forgiving person. It’s something he can’t really fathom about me. Can he forgive me? I don’t know. He has surprised me in the past, so maybe. That has yet to be seen. Yes, it hurt that he ready my journal. But it hurts even more that he is writing a script about what he read that is not accurate, even if I try to explain myself. It’s worse that he’s shamed me this time of stuff I never actually said or did to him. ”
This is something to work on though, right? It seems like he is not interested in accuracy right now as he is lashing out. He’s not ready to hear you out. He can’t even believe that you might forgive what he has done because he’s too hurt to even contemplate forgiving you. You, in turn, can’t believe that he’s not prepared to understand and hear you out about something you were aware of and actively trying to manage (I have never been a fan of the thought police!) – a breakthrough may come once all the feelings calm down. I am glad that you have an opportunity to talk through this while both having some therapy because it seems as though you have hope of recovery. Whether or not deeper issues (why limerence occurs, why your SO feel insecure) are tackled or not, the safe space to let the feelings calm down and talking calmly will be a huge help, I’d imagine.
As someone who has never disclosed to my SO, for fear of many of the things you are now going through, I empathise so much. Sending hugs.
Hi Bewitched, thanks for sharing your thoughts, as usual your experience so resonates with me.
I agree big stressful life events, like grief, illness etc are big factors that I feel the blog article did not explicitly outline as important external factors.
Not sure if my LO was/is leading me on, or a genuine special connection. Im trying to convince myself that he likes women and likes women desiring him and courts it.
Glad you are continuing to feeling more stable and no longer need LE for mood repair. This is the way to go! Yey !
Thanks Imho,
“Not sure if my LO was/is leading me on, or a genuine special connection. I’m trying to convince myself that he likes women and likes women desiring him and courts it.”
This is basically what I convinced myself of and whether its true or not doesn’t matter. I think you are quietly on a good path with this.
The thing is, even if they were wildly attracted and think we are special, its potentially fleeting, you know? Like everything changes in life anyway. Let’s not even worry about it. Save our main energy for the here and now and what we want to achieve with those who are in our lives and who we have committed to (including our own selves and our own dreams). Our internal locus of control is the main focus for everything and, after that, what will be, will be.
“The thing is, even if they were wildly attracted and think we are special, it’s potentially fleeting, you know? Like everything changes in life anyway. Let’s not even worry about it. Save our main energy for the here and now and what we want to achieve with those who are in our lives and who we have committed to (including our own selves and our own dreams).“
So wisely said!
It’s not just potentially fleeting, it’s definitely fleeing whether in our head or in reality…
@Bewithed and Imho,
You both capture a limerent’s swinging mind so well…
Hi Bewitched,
your words are eloquent and so wise !
I will save your reply for future reference. Thank you so much !
Its almost ironic the things LO was intrigued about me I have lost through limerence. So yes I need and am trying to regain that again, my own passions and internal locus of control that you speak of.
Embracing and being grounded in this life, my real life !
Everything changes as you said. That special thing could have happened yesterday or a million years ago, both are in the past regardless.
@LE,
Yes, we currently are seeing separate therapists, but when we come together those therapists said they’ll recommend us to another person so that no one is biased. I have disclosed to both our therapists about the concept of limerence and that I believe this is what’s going on with me.
LN,
It sounds like you have a solid idea of where you are, what the stakes are, and are taking positive steps to address things. That’s the best you can do.
Keep plugging away and see how they play out. You’re only in control of half of things.
@Trifles,
Thanks for asking. If I look back, yes, I did have what I would consider limerent feelings and intrusive thoughts of people I either dated/wanted to date/almost dated prior to marriage. But certainly the two most painful ones were while married because of the cognitive dissonance and fighting those feelings.
Prior to marriage, when I was single, I was able to act on some of the relationships. But in hindsight, I’d kinda just stop being interested around year two. For no apparent reason. Once I hit that loss of interest, I’d move on.
That’s why I feel, for me, it’s more of a dysfunctional (or maybe heightened?) pair-bonding experience. I had to learn to move past the loss of interest, if that makes sense; learn to deal with the ennui of relationships and marriage. I had to learn it was a part of life, and that it did not necessarily mean things were bad or wrong.
I don’t know why exactly. I feel like there could be a lot of contributing factors, probably too many to list!
“External drivers are outside of our control, but how we respond to them is not. How we respond is another internal force.”
I was reading the article again and this struck me as if I hadn’t noticed it the first time I read it. It struck me in that it brought out a song to memory that I use to listen to a lot. Where a man has intentionally put himself in a inappropriate situation with another woman knowing he is committed to someone else.
“And when faced with temptation
you know a man should stand and fight
but you will be my downfall tonight”
The moral? I think we all know when we are doing something that is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships. But that excitement and the cocktail of happy drugs in our brains pushes us forward. Justifying within our own moral compass what is “just being nice” or just “a friendly lunch with a co-worker”. Even if said “LO” is a master manipulator, poacher or innocent bystander to our limerence, we are still responsible for ourselves.
In the song he repeatedly asks this woman to be is “downfall” almost as if she was on the fence about what he is asking of her. While repeatedly recognizing that he is already committed to another woman.
“So the night is coming down
drowning us in blue
and it all points to all the things
we know we shouldn’t do.”
Be My Downfall — Del Amitri
https://youtu.be/ztKS9a-fKFE?si=GBo-p6n5MIO41bG4
Excellent song choice Adam.
Del Amitri was seriously underrated back in the day, but I loved so much of their music. “Driving with the brakes on” has some great love lyrics as well. I’ll have to peruse their catalog again, now that you posted this..
Adam,
One from the oldies vault:
“Twenty Four Hours From Tulsa” – Gene Pitney (1963)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFuN6kyD_7E
I love Gene Pitney. He’s become welded to LO #4.
My other favorite is “Town Without Pity” (1961)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29IKtNBOwdQ
After LO #4 moved out on her BF, she told me that she’d get up, put in her earbuds and dance while the coffee was brewing.
I sent her the link to “Town Without Pity” and told her that if she was looking to put some hip into things while she was “grinding” coffee, she should listen to this.
L.E.
Add my all-time Gene Pitney on the subject.
https://youtu.be/TlN-rKMwF8M?si=iRJW_HRMbAH2dRtO
lowendj,
Those are his 3 biggies!
Adam,
On the Del Amitri theme,
“But when I try to picture her, you’re the one I see” – ouch, just ouch. I relate, and almost every limerent must do.
Here’s my personal Del Amitri favorite which is also eerily true to many people’s experiences with their LOs:
https://youtu.be/TxbIU0X-lCI?si=ryzOKSlBejfRaIQE
(Del Amitri – Nothing ever happens)
MJ
Nice one. Honestly as far as Del Amitri I have only ever listened to the song I posted. It came up in youtube suggestions at the height of limerence, so it was relatable. I mostly purged it from my playlists. But still comes up in my youtube mixes. With what you posted and Lim-A-Rant posted, I’ll check out some more of their music.
LE
Never heard of Gene Pitney. The first song reminded me of another singer. Gene, or at least in that song, has a kind of country/pop music mix. But I like it. And certainly in theme with external drivers. He met her, gave in, and never went home. He may blame her, but it’s how he dealt with the external drivers, internally as to why he never went home. The second song sounded like it could be a Bond theme. Kinda afraid to check out the movie based on the movie poster that accompanied the lyrics.
Lim-a-rant
Yeah that’s a tough line to swallow. There’s another song What If I Never Get Over You where the singer says …
“maybe months from now, maybe years go by
and I met someone, and its working out
when I say the words she can see right through
cause when I look at her, yeah all I see is you”
That bit stings. I did that? Yeah you did that. As you said, as limerents most of us were guilty of this. It’s frightening what the mind can do when it wants what it wants.
In general the song you posted also reminds me of the poem “The Shoelace” by Charles Bukowski that chronicles all small trivialities and trails of life, yet nothing happens. We just keep going on hoping that things don’t pile up on us more than we can handle. Because when they do, my, my isn’t limerence just a wonderful distraction?
https://allpoetry.com/poem/14326889-The-Shoelace-by-Charles-Bukowski
Adam,
That poem is interesting – how it is the pile of small things more than the one big thing that sends us mad eventually.
I was thinking of “Nothing ever happens” more in terms of how my brain relates it to an LE (why is it the limerent brain can relate almost anything to it?). So “the needle returns to the start of the song, and we all sing along like before”. So like how we waste all that thought and energy on the LO, but in the end nothing ever happens. “The traffic lights change to stop when there’s nowhere to go” – it has to end (based on the experiences of nearly everyone I read on here). And then we’re back to trying to sing the same
song but not quite the same as we were before the experience.
@Lim-a-rant,
That sounds like the entirety of my LE. Nothing but wasted time and memories of something that never was or came to be. Somehow still fascinated by it all.
Madness I tell you. Pure freaking madness..
Yeah limerence is pretty much going in a circle. Nothing will ever happen. It’s an acceptance that if we can’t get than the circle will continue.
My association to the poem I posted and the song you posted, is that despite all that happens to us, sometimes it will always be “the continuing series of small tragedies” that make it seem that nothing really happens or matters. Much like hoping “that moment” will happen with LO and it never does, and those “continuing series of small tragedies” (disappointment that LO never comes around or reacts the way we want them to) keeps us going around like record. Until the record is over and we put the needle right back down and hope for “that moment” again. It never does, so yes as you said, nothing happens.
Adam,
One one hand its profound. Around and around we go. But on the other, we get pleasure from replaying the record over and over…. same as the LO rumination (in my case at least). Its going nowhere, yes, but that is just as well too. Because if it did, it would blow up numerous lives.
Last week after work, I spotted LOs car at the place where she works out. I drive by it all the time on my way to and from work anyway. But now that I know she goes there, I know I’ll always be optimistic about seeing her. Thinking maybe I could just happen to show up one day as she’s coming out and I’ll just happen to be walking in..
I think about it and then I think I’ll just make a complete ass of myself. Like it won’t be too obvious why I’m there all of a sudden. Then I worry how I’ll feel afterwards, if things don’t go like I want, which they probably won’t. Then I’ll just be living with even more regret than I do now.
Like a Hamster on his little wheel, I’ll keep spinning it and going nowhere fast..
MJ
Yeah those external drives can be quite convincing. Even in your case when you don’t necessarily have any collateral damage besides your own pride; your mind will try to convince you otherwise. Just like mine like to start wandering into “what if you see her again” daydreams. And I’m like “NO!” It’s easier to blame the external drives than shut down our own internal drives.
Anyway what you said about seeing LO again and thinking you might make an ass of yourself (I am sure I would too if I did run into her) made me think of the opening line in a song I recently found.
“I don’t wanna tell you that I long to see your face
I’m scared it might scare you away
and I don’t want to tell you sometimes
I think of you and smile
cause time with you is time enough for now”
I’m Falling For You — Chester See
https://youtu.be/6UWgnQxLe_c?si=Us8NDOHCWayVJrNw
Adam/MJ/Bewitched
I am getting carried away with this one line in a song: “the needle returns to the start of the song and we’ll all sing along like before”
But as much as it could be related to the repeating soundtrack with the LOs and how “nothing ever happens” with them, so it could too be related to the ‘backing soundtrack’ of our real life outside LE. We end up trying to sing the same song as if the LE never happened. But we’re profoundly altered (for good and bad) by the LE, so the song will never really sound quite the same again.
Our journeys are all very different but the outcome and the wasted energy along the way are similar.
Bewitched – the need to ‘not blow up numerous lives’ seems massive and is a big one for me as I fight my way through the epicentre of my LE.
Adam,
Keeping in the theme:
“Hungry Heart” – Bruce Springsteen (1980)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boJhWtw-6Gg#ddg-play
This is my favorite Springsteen song. I love the backing vocals and driving beat.
I’d never associated it with a particular woman until I encountered LO #4.
“Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going”
I don’t live all that far from Baltimore.
LE
I remember when I was younger that played a lot on the radio. The upbeat tune belies the subject of the words. Young me didn’t know the meaning to the song but I liked to tap my toes to it.
One of my other childhood/teen favorites was the first CD I ever bought. Listening it now kind of changes how I perceive the words. I use hear it as a love song, but now not so much. Limernece definitely has for changed that. Still like the song though.
“Will you ever set me free?
cause this waiting ’round is killing me”
She Drives Me Crazy — Fine Young Cannibals
https://youtu.be/Hi_N4npokZs?si=IAzQvp4MjGY-jjCO
Wow!
Hi, new here, I need help! I have a hopeless crush on one of my doctors. He’s younger than me, married with kids. I know nothing will happen, I know I have zero chance with him, I know. But I have never felt so attracted to someone. I think about him too much. I keep looking forward to seeing him again. I look at his social media sometimes. I just spent an hour with him every week for several months. Now my treatment is done, so I won’t see him again unless I get sick again.
He is so kind, caring, attentive and a good listener. I know that one of the reasons that attracts me so much is because I have been in relationships with emotionally abusive men (and I grew up with an abusive parent). I know I really need therapy but can’t afford it right now. How can I stop these thoughts about him? My logic brain knows these thoughts are ridiculous and stupid, but my “limerent” brain keeps having obsessive thoughts about him.
I am currently single and more focused on my career than dating. Because of the abusive men in my past, I feel too nervous to even try dating right now. I also feel hopeless about meeting anyone as kind and thoughtful as him.
Kelly
A lot of our past and our past or present relationships can play a big role in getting limerent. You seeing his kindness, caring and attentiveness towards you was probably your glimmer. You compared him to your past relationships, both romantically and in regards to your childhood. Someone that, in your limerent mind could nurture and care for you the way a man should.
I had the opposite experience, I wanted to be that man that nurtured LO and her daughter. A woman just coming out of a divorced because her ex cheated on her and broke up their marriage and family. A woman in peril. I would do my all to give her faith in men again and show her how she should be treated. My weakness being to always want to “rescue” women in similar situations. So it is interesting to hear from your perspective.
I had a partner to help me through my limerent episode. When I discovered this community I immediately told my wife. While it may seem the “noble” thing to do, it was more a too little too late as my wife already suspected I was having an affair with her. My wife decided to stay with me and help me through it.
If you have to go at it solo with no local support group, it will be hard I am sure. But you always have this community and Dr L’s posts that he does every Saturday. There are members here that have had much more similar limerent episodes to yours than I do. But it is intriguing that we almost have completely reversed roles in both our limerence.
I will tell you that, from my own limerent experience, social media can be a very easy addiction to pick up. I haven’t seen her in over 2 years, I have no contact with her, but I have checked her social media several times since I last saw her, and it just feeds the limerence with a quick little hit of those pleasant brain candy that tastes so good. Not a good thing for recovery.
Thanks for your reply. It is interesting to hear another perspective. In some ways I do have a fantasy that a truly kind man will “rescue” me — from my depression, from my anxiety, from my worries about the future, from my feelings of insecurity, from my history of failed relationships. I know, deep down, that this isn’t possible. I have to rescue myself. I plan on getting into therapy when I can afford it. I know I have to do the work. But sometimes it’s so tempting to think, if I just had the right person, I could be happy…
I know I shouldn’t keep checking his social media. It’s so hard not to. I’m really missing him, but it’s only been 1 week. I could also email him with any medical questions and I know he will answer (he’s a wonderful doctor and really cares a lot about his patients). So it’s constantly tempting to email him just to get a little dopamine hit, I guess! I’m just struggling at the moment. I have had crushes before but not like this level. I know I probably just need to work more on my mental health and social life.
Dear Kelly,
This doesn’t even need to be said but do not email him (!) Maria is right, with NC this will fade to nothing and logic will take over. It will take time but it will happen faster if you stay away from social media and reverie.
It’s great that you are focusing on your career. I hope you have other things that are healthy in your life and that make you feel good too. I believe that we can do a lot of healing ourselves by being open-minded. Think of it as laying the groundwork for therapy (when you can afford it).
Disclaimer: no offense intended to any medical professionals!
The thing about doctors is, they have worked very, very hard to get to where they are. Entry to med school, then med school, then training, then constant exams. They are (understandably) very attached to their careers and would not risk offending their patients. So what you see as a patient, is not their real demeanour, it’s a business-client interaction.
The only reason I’m telling you this is to try to pop the limerence bubble. As Adam said, try to avoid social media. I had to delete my accounts (temporarily) to control the urge to check what he was up to. And know that with enough NC, the feelings will fade to nothing – even if it doesn’t feel possible now. I didn’t believe I could ever get over it, but over time the feelings just subsided and logic took over.
Thank you. It’s good to hear that the feelings will fade over time. I hope so!
And I know that I don’t really want him, exactly, I just want someone like him, but who is actually available. I want someone kind, respectful, supportive, etc. But most men I meet are the opposite of that.
I know he only cares about me as a patient. I even had the idea that we could be friends somehow, but that’s probably not a realistic idea, is it?
Hi Kelly,
Try to be accepting of the thoughts without acting on them. They and the LE are a part of you but not all of you. You haven’t done anything wrong and the LE hasn’t been sent to you as punishment. Just let the thoughts be, come and go, and don’t fight them or feel bad about them – that will only prolong it. It will be 2 years in limerence for me pretty soon and I’m only recently getting to this realisation thanks to this community.
Try to gradually separate the fantasy of him from the reality of him (which Maria has explained very well re doctors).
You’ll get there. Just be kind to yourself – this isn’t your fault.
Thank you for the encouragement! I like that this community seems very supportive of each other. I can’t talk about this with anyone I know, they would think I was crazy! They just think I have a little silly “crush”. They don’t know how much I think about him.
Two years is a long time — is that even with no contact?
I know the fantasy of him is probably very different from the reality of him. I have never met anyone quite like him, though. He is incredibly attractive to me. I looked forward to my visit with him every week, but now I don’t have that to look forward to anymore, so I’m feeling really down.
Hi Kelly,
“Two years is a long time — is that even with no contact?”
No – I have fairly constant contact with her, some of which can’t be avoided. People on LwL who go full NC usually report noticeable improvement within a couple of months, and closer to proper recovery after about 6 months, but it varies and many seem to relapse and break the NC (I understand why). I’ve read that limerence usually fades naturally after 18 months to 3 years, but you can speed it up with NC. A few here talk about longer time periods or even lifelong limerence for the same person. I reckon you could see it off swiftly with NC in your situation.
“I can’t talk about this with anyone I know, they would think I was crazy!”
Are you sure? Maybe they won’t get the limerence side, but hasn’t almost everyone had a big crush that their thoughts have obsessed over?
Having said that, my experiences of talking about it IRL aren’t great! I told one friend who in hindsight wasn’t a good choice. He grilled me about it like it was a job interview and was only interested in ‘fixing’ it. Another friend worked it out and called me out on it and I was too slow with the denial. I felt very judged by her response. These chats happened maybe 6-7 months ago, and neither of them has even bothered to check in with how I’m doing with my LE since. I haven’t told anyone else.
Friends are weird aren’t they? Here at LwL you’ll find loads of supportive people, so just vent away or ask us stuff if you want.
Do you have to see this doctor ever again for professional (health) reasons, or can you work around that?
Yeah, unfortunately I think limerence is like depression— the only people who really “get” it, like completely understand what you’re going through, are people who have have experienced it themselves. Other people are going to either misunderstand it, be judgmental, or both.
I watched a few of his videos on his YouTube today. Yeah…I know. Not helping. I really miss him. I enjoyed being around him and talking to him so much. I wish we could at least be friends. I’m not sure how I would do that though.
I might see him again for health reasons if I have to. He is honestly the best doctor I’ve found, and it’s not easy to find a really good one.