From time to time, I receive a message from someone with a particularly thorny limerence problem, for whom the usual strategies are impractical. How’s this for a tricky one?
“Creative limerent” (CL) is limerent for a close family friend. They have been working together on a passion project that is creatively and emotionally fulfilling, but not financially essential. This partnership was defined by:
strong intellectual and creative intimacy which grew into a deep emotional intimacy when his marriage hit a crisis point
CL gave emotional support that helped LO get back on track with his marriage, but led – sadly, if predictably – to CL becoming limerent. At this point, CL tried a high risk strategy:
in a moment of despair I made the mistake of fully disclosing my feelings to LO, which were getting in the way of our work productivity. (We had been circling around the issue for a while). However, my disclosure rather than tipping the situation one way or the other, has resulted in further uncertainty, which only served to fuel my limerence.
LO responded by confirming his own romantic feelings for CL, but also to still being fully committed to his marriage and wanting to repair it.
So, disclosure backfired. He won’t be with me, yet he won’t reject me. He loves me (we say “I love you” a lot) and needs/wants to have my friendship in his life
Now, the situation is predictably fraught.
But the disclosure has damaged the friendship. Now, we seem to both be struggling with an inner conflict – remaining creative partners and friends has become increasingly painful (especially as LO tries to infuse his marriage with the new found feelings and desire for deep connection he experienced with me) and yet dissolving the partnership and the friendship carries not only a huge loss to us personally and creatively, (we have put in a lot of time and energy into this project in the last year) but would involve an explanation to our spouses that would destroy our collective friendships and further damage LO’s already unstable marriage as well as my own partially satisfying marriage.
I feel panic as I survey the bind I am in. Have I been deluding myself that we are mature enough to channel these feelings, sublimate them into our work and integrate the energy into a true, authentic friendship? I just don’t see any other way out. Blowing up everything will hurt so many people, we all have kids and our families are interconnected. I have terrible guilt as his wife is a dear friend, who I love and support. If any of this came out the betrayal she would feel would be devastating.
At the same time, remaining close to him right now is unhealthy for me. I am much more limerent than he is, but the point of my query is that there is acknowledgment of mutuality, and the adversity is there for good. He will not have an affair with me. We will not be together unless his marriage ends. I thought at first that this mutual disclosure of feelings might help us both manage the situation better, but it only seems to be making everything more fraught, weird and complicated between us.
So, what can CL do? Is there a way to crawl out of this emotional briar patch without getting too bloodied? Here are a few thoughts:
Consider disclosing to your spouse
Many people reading this story would respond by thinking “she’s already having an affair, it’s just not physical yet.” Others (probably non-limerents) would think “creative partnerships are always characterised by intimacy. As long as it doesn’t spill over into sex, it’s OK.” There’s no correct answer to the question “have we crossed a line?” because the line is drawn in a different place for different people. The people that matter in this case, of course, are you, your husband, LO and his wife. Conflict comes when these people have a different idea about where the line falls.
So, the first necessary step is to try and figure out where your husband’s line is. To judge from what you’ve written, you obviously think you’ve crossed it (“panic”, “betrayal”, “devastating”). Your husband may not. He may consider physical intimacy much more of a betrayal, and be upset but not devastated by the emotional intimacy. Gender stereotyping is always risky, but men commonly experience much more sexual jealousy than emotional jealousy. It’s a contentious point, possibly, but there are obvious evolutionary explanations for it.
Disclosure may therefore help if your goal is to discreetly withdraw from the creative partnership. If you explain to your husband that you are struggling because you think the partnership with LO is getting too emotionally compromised, he will be much more likely to support a cooling off. If you don’t disclose and try to unilaterally cool it, you will meet confusion from your husband and the rest of your intertwined families. It’s much better to have your spouse as an advocate and champion than a bewildered bystander.
It also demonstrates to your husband that he is your primary confidante, and updates him on what is going on behind the scenes in his life. At the moment, only you and LO know about your joint feelings, which means that you are thrown together as a pair with insider knowledge about your wider families’ lives. That will more likely deepen your connection to LO rather than weaken it. It’s better if you and your husband are the team that is dealing with the situation, and LO moves into the role of problem – rather than remaining as the primary person you are trying to solve the problem with.
LO is being honest – that is an opportunity for you
Although LO’s response to disclosure made things worse, it did have the virtue of being honest. That gives you a great opportunity – you can respond in kind. If your goal is to reverse the worst of the limerence, then this is a chance. A conversation with LO along the lines of “I appreciate your honesty and respect your commitment to your marriage. I am not able to continue our partnership, as it is now unhealthy for me – I can’t manage the emotional burden of a close friendship with you anymore. I need to tie up our project and focus on my own marriage”, is as honest and straightforward as his own decision. He can’t reasonably object.
He’s established a “our feelings are real but we shouldn’t act on them” principle, but then continued to want a loving, intimate relationship with you regardless. You can respond by accepting those new terms, but pointing out that such an intimate friendship is incompatible with them. Wanting his cake and eating it could be mentioned…
Do you want to have an affair?
LO has been clear about his commitment to his marriage (in words, if not actions). You seem more ambiguous. It’s fairly common for limerents to hope that LO will “make a pass” so their conflicted feelings are railroaded in a way that isn’t their fault. They were powerless to resist. But that’s not a great way to live a purposeful life, and affairs are unfailingly destructive. The best that can be hoped for is that a new stable situation emerges from the emotional wreckage, but it’s a hell of a price to pay for resolving romantic confusion. Actually, I suppose that the best you could hope for would be to get away with it, with the small cost of proving to yourself that you are the sort of person that betrays their family and friends in the most intimate way. Not exactly an inspirational idea.
The reality at the moment is that you’re in limbo. You’ve got to choose a path out. Lots of people are invested in the choices you make, because you took on those responsibilities, because you are able to handle maturity. So, you do need to think pretty deeply about the state of your partially-satisfying marriage. LO has clearly been using you as a romantic surrogate, but do you want to continue in that role? Do you want to continue to use him as your romantic surrogate? Or do you want your next project to be redirecting your romantic drive back to your husband, and trying to move your marriage back to “very satisfying”?
You know, the answer to the question above may be “yes, I want to have an affair”. If so, that speaks to much more fundamental issues that the dynamics of your relationship with this particular LO. It may be that the root of this is how you are interacting with your husband, and how he is interacting with you. Any time spent investing creative or emotional effort with another potential romantic partner is risky (see previous posts on limerence for co-workers), but the most significant issue is how you respond when the romantic feelings stir. If you had meaningful concerns about the marriage before the limerence, there may be a deeper problem. If not, then you are probably being mugged by the collective forces that push people into limerence, and your brain is in a spin. Distinguishing between those two scenarios is the basis for finding your path out of limbo, and deciding where you want it to lead you.
So, those are my thoughts on a very tricky situation. If anyone else has encountered the limerence for a close family friend trap, please chime in in the comments.
Good luck, CL. Hope you find a true path out, towards a better future.
While not exactly the same, my predicament is similar: the limerence is known to be mutual, everyone is connected to everyone so there’s potential for a life-changing blow-up, abrupt No Contact would raise suspicions, and there is a something extra special to be lost here if you give it up (in your case, the creative collaboration).
But think about it: There is so much to lose if you don’t give it up: your integrity, for one. A lot of people’s trust and respect, for another. The chance to see if your marriage can be fixed, for a third. And look at what you’ve gained already: acknowledgment of your attractiveness, some insight into your own desires, perhaps increased awareness of what’s missing in your current relationship. There’s even a certain validation of self when you have been authentic in expressing your feelings to this guy. These are all good things you can walk away with now.
Of course you want to have an affair, to have something more intimate. Who wouldn’t? (I’m not buying that he doesn’t. Just that he won’t.) But if you even start down that path—indulge in some playful patty cake—you’ll never be able to say honestly to your spouse or friends or family that you didn’t. Now is still the point when you can honestly say, Nothing happened and you don’t want to take any chance that boundaries would be crossed. (Yes, each of us may draw the line in a different place, but the physical line is at least some kind of definitive demarcation.)
Anyone who says they’ve never experienced an attraction they couldn’t act on is probably lying; it’s reasonable for you to expect that they should understand or at least respect your decision. But once something physical happens, it’s very hard if not impossible to go back.
When I was in this situation a year ago, I didn’t stop things when I could/should have—and even though it did not go very far at all, it was a betrayal of my SO and I deeply regret it. Why? Because even though I learned some things about myself and what I need in a partner, it’s now keeping me from being fully authentic in the couple’s therapy that my wife and I have since embarked on. We are doing great work, but…holding a secret like that and having to lie about the grief I’m going through over my lost LO all means I’m not fully present. And my marriage deserves that I be present while I’m trying to work this out. Your LO seems to believe his marriage deserves it. Probably your marriage does, too.
It’s terribly painful, the situation you’re in. There’s no easy, obvious, or pain-free solution here. It totally makes sense that you feel there’s no way out. But take some time to think about it. Don’t do anything hastily. And trust that you will figure out what to do that allows you to say, I did the best I could in this impossible situation. I sure wish now that I could say that.
Landry,
You can say it and not disclosing isn’t helping your wife who probably senses you’re withholding something. It’s crazy-making and unkind.
You’re not being noble; you’re lying by ommission and IF there was physical intimacy you’re risking her health too.
Don’t be that guy. You aren’t being noble when you lie. Far from it. You aren’t sparing her pain, you’re avoiding consequences.
No rule is universally true. There may be times that disclosure to a spouse is destructive. If, for example, they are prone to depression, or have anger management issues, or are going through a personal crisis. If the marriage is in trouble, revelation of limerence for a third person might kill it for good, when there might otherwise have been hope.
I would usually advocate disclosure in the most sensitive way you can as a limerent, but everyone has to judge their own situation. There are many stories out there of people doubly-devastated by their spouse admitting to an affair on their birthday, or when their best friend has just died, or when their child has just left home for university.
The key thing is not to compound the disrespect to your spouse by being callous in the way you disclose.
Edited to add: there’s a post on this topic here
Have any of the limerent individuals here been the chump?
“If, for example, they are prone to depression, or have anger management issues, or are going through a personal crisis.”
That smacks of, “Some limerents want to downplay their responsibility and blame LO for everything”. A false equivalency.
If your partner is unstable or dangerous, then all the more reason for someone to get a divorce, rather than cheat. Presumably the other party isn’t entirely happy with the marriage either, but if they didn’t have an affair, then they are the chump and victim. Not a convenient excuse for selfish behavior.
When it involves physical contact – disclosure is a medical necessity. HPV isn’t always benign, for example. Is it better to wait until your wife is diagnosed with cervical cancer? I watched that unfold. It had far-reaching and long-lasting consequences even after she died.
What about stealing marital assets and handing them over to your paramour because your husband is a jerk? Does he deserve to be robbed? Of course not. He deserves to be served divorce papers.
Character is what you do when you think no one is looking.
If your spouse is already in a crisis, do you really think telling them when you deem them strong enough really going to make them feel any better? Going to marital therapy and refusing to disclose an affair isn’t noble.
https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/ It’s worth reading. Humility and lying are mutually exclusive.
Now, if someone prefers to think of limerence as being more akin to addiction, you’re still tasked with being honest with people, particularly with those close to you. Limerence may not strictly speaking be an addiction (I have no idea), but people definitely develop bad habits when in the throes of it and they’re hard to shake. Dishonesty is a bad habit to start and incredibly hard to break.
That’s a false equivalency too. It’s perfectly possible to take responsibility for your actions, but also recognise that disclosure in an unthinking way can do more harm than good. This isn’t as binary as you are implying. Being chumped doesn’t mean you are now the victim and automatically have the moral high ground and so disclosure immediately is always right. Everyone is an awkward blend of good and bad, and when a limerent has crossed a line, it isn’t obvious that the virtuous thing to do is to go and unburden themselves in confession. Especially if the wider context means other people and other relationships will be harmed.
Certainly, limerents can try and kid themselves that they are protecting their spouses when they are just protecting themselves, but if someone in CL’s position were to disclose to her husband, the husband went round and punched out the LO, and his wife and kids had to spend an anxious night in A&E wondering if their husband/dad was going to be OK, I would suggest that the disclosure was mishandled. So now you have to rework the calculus and decide who is the victim and who is the perpetrator, and who is to blame. Maybe LO’s wife doesn’t think that an emotional affair is really a significant betrayal, but now she’s desperately worried about her husband and kids’ futures. And CL’s husband is at the police station, and will need to explain that to his kids when he’s released.
I’m not suggesting that any of this really applies to CL. I’m showing that it’s possible to argue almost any “what if” outcome. Only the people involved know the truth of the matter, and holding true to their own moral sense is by far the best hope for coming through it with integrity intact. And yes, I would say that telling someone that you cheated on them after they have emerged from a crisis is better than telling them when it at its worst. Better not to cheat on them at all, of course.
I’m sticking to my point: it’s almost always better to disclose. But, the “almost” is there for a reason, and you should pick the manner and timing of the disclosure with care.
“Being chumped doesn’t mean you are now the victim and automatically have the moral high ground and so disclosure immediately is always right.”
I disagree. Strenuously. Chumps are victimized and on that topic they do have the moral high ground. When someone cheats, they lie. It’s always for the liar’s benefit. Dress it up as you wish, the person they love the most and are protecting is themselves. There is something they don’t want to lose (money? social position? ego-stroking to have more than person wanting your company and person?). I see that LO’s wife is being used by both LO and CL.
The spouse or SO can be evil incarnate but that doesn’t excuse or justify cheating. Full stop. It justifies an attorney.
“as well as my own partially satisfying marriage”
Mr. CL is in the same marriage and may feel the same way. How he has acted upon his feelings is important. At least thus far he appears to trust and support CL in her “passion project”. CL has stated it’s not financially necessary (does this mean that it’s operating at a loss?) so it should be easy to end it. At any rate, not once in what has been shared has CL said she loves her husband. Of course you are in possession of the full letter and that phrase may be within it.
“but if someone in CL’s position were to disclose to her husband, the husband went round and punched out the LO, and his wife and kids had to spend an anxious night in A&E wondering if their husband/dad was going to be OK, I would suggest that the disclosure was mishandled.”
Or maybe her husband will file for a divorce and let LO’s wife know what was going on behind their backs. If LO gets punched in the nose, it’s a risk he knew he was taking with his friend’s wife. Consequences. LO is jerking his wife around too. If CL’s husband punches him, CL’s husband will face assault charges.
“And yes, I would say that telling someone that you cheated on them after they have emerged from a crisis is better than telling them when it at its worst.”
I disagree. I would rather know that the people I trust and might lean upon are trustworthy. If they’re not, I want them gone. Spare me false friends. I already had a serious health crisis where Mr. Lee fell short and that was before the limerence episode. I realized that very early in the process and put together a plan of care that didn’t depend upon him. If I can do it, there is no reason to think that no other SO can’t do it too.
She disclosed to her LO and now he’s demonstrating exactly who he is, as is CL. See below.
“He won’t be with me, yet he won’t reject me. He loves me (we say “I love you” a lot) and needs/wants to have my friendship in his life.”
Selfish of him. Both of them, of course. What is the point to saying, “I love you” to someone who isn’t your spouse? That isn’t providing support to either marriage. It’s sending mixed messages.
“I have terrible guilt as his wife is a dear friend, who I love and support. If any of this came out the betrayal she would feel would be devastating.”
Dear Friend will be probably be devastated at first but that doesn’t mean she won’t and can’t carry on without CL. Maybe that is what CL doesn’t want to see – DF standing up for herself and finding better friends. Dear Friend is subject to two betrayals – by her husband and by CL. A true friend wouldn’t have disclosed to Mr. LO; she would have disclosed to her husband and shut down the business. It sounds as though CL is a confidante to both the LO and his wife. You know what a good friend does when the marriage troubles topics came up? They tell the person who is making them part of a triangle to stop it.
“He will not have an affair with me. We will not be together unless his marriage ends.”
That’s not noble of either of them. Neither have totally given up their clandestine relationship and shut it down; nor have they ensured it coming to an end by disclosing to their spouse.
You know how prisoners test guards? They ask them to break little rules. For example, they ask them to deliver a message. If the guard says, “No, I’ll get in trouble”, the prisoner knows they have them. The correct response is, “No and you’re in trouble.” This is not a dissimilar situation. CL and LO have compromised themselves, badly. There is only one way out and the longer one or both waits, the worse the fallout.
The person who is getting the worst end of the deal is Dear Friend.
I don’t think you’re going to be able to settle this moral debate, guys. Lee appears to subscribe to the moral philosophy of Immanuel Kant (eg, the categorical imperative) while Dr. L subscribes to that of John Stuart Mill (eg, utility). Ethics students have been debating this for ages. There’s not a lot of middle ground in this case.
But I’m not sure this is helping our commenter here…. CL, if you can figure out what you really want MOST in the long run–a chance with LO, an improved relationship with SO, the least drama whatsoever, whatever–maybe you will be able to make a plan that keeps you in your integrity (which you get to define) and then focus on doing the Next Right Thing. Whatever that is. Just don’t stay paralyzed.
Agreed, Landry, and thanks for getting us back on track.
Lee – I’ll put up a post on this as soon as I can. Despite Landry’s pessimism I think it’s very helpful to think through this stuff “out loud” as it were, to see if we can make some fruitful progress.
For now – let’s get back to helping CL!
I would say that CL would do well to focus on the double betrayal that is going on with DF. You don’t betray a friend with their spouse. Don’t do it because you can’t un-ring that bell. If your feelings don’t collapse upon themselves with that thought, then consider your pride. Is this how you want to end one relationship and enter a new one?
If that doesn’t cool your ardor, then you have a lot more baggage to unpack.
” a betrayal of my SO and I deeply regret it. Why? Because even though I learned some things about myself and what I need in a partner, it’s now keeping me from being fully authentic in the couple’s therapy that my wife and I have since embarked on. We are doing great work, but…holding a secret like that and having to lie about the grief I’m going through over my lost LO all means I’m not fully present.”
Thank you for sharing your experience. I will share mine. I told my husband everything. His nickname is “General Stonewall Jackson”, so imagine my apprehension at complete disclosure. He was unbelievably understanding and patient with me. His idea of infidelity is sexual contact. My idea of infidelity is : where the eyes roam, the brain goes and the body is soon to follow. So, I was carrying a huge load of guilt for almost two years. (that’s a lot of guilt to carry for two hugs with LO)
Since full disclosure, I have been set free. It’s exhilarating. I hope you find that spot soon. But, only you will know what is best.
Wishing you and your SO the very best.
I’m so happy for you Irene!
“strong intellectual and creative intimacy which grew into a deep emotional intimacy when his marriage hit a crisis point”
I suggest that the intimacy with CL caused the marital crisis.
Setting that aside, you appear to have two means of righting the bus. Privately tell your husband that you feel emotionally compromised. LO has rattled your cage, it caught you by surprise and you want it to be at an end.
Publicly, you state the partnership or business is at an end because it didn’t make money.
What LO says to his wife is outside of your control.
I hope you get through the FOGbank (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) and to a better place. Hopefully with your family intact.
I am limerant for my boss right now and we are working on some projects as well. Nothing has been disclosed and have no ideas of his feelings. How long before the project is done? Is there a way your spouses or someone else could be present for the rest of this? Meet in publc? I feel your pain and need advice myself. This limmerance has kicked my rear and came out of the blue.
Maybe make sure you are never alone with him and boundary your converations. I wish I knew. David, as always, has great advice. Disclosing to spouse could help as well. I am also toying with that. Problem is my DH is having a hard trial with family right now. I feel like I need to tell boss so he becomes more boundaried. I know probably the limmerance talking. Stay strong there is always hope. From what I read on the forum you do not want tnis to get physical!! You can still stop this. I get it too that there is part of you that doesn’t want that. I do. This messes with a brain. I need to go cry right now.
“I feel like I need to tell boss so he becomes more boundaried.”
I wouldn’t do that because it may not work out the way you envision. You could find yourself fired if you work in an “at will” state. Plus you can’t make someone else responsible for your feelings or actions. Can you literally get a little distance from him when you do have meetings?
“I need to go cry right now.”
I hope that it makes you feel a bit better afterward and you find yourself needing to cry less frequently as the year rolls on.
Yes I hope so too. My situation is complicated and I don’t want to share too much in public. Yes it could blow up so I probably won’t tell. This started last August in the midst of my grieving for my mom. It has messed with my brain chemistry and I feel out of control. I hate it yet there is a longing. Everyone says it is about me, not him. I think that is true. I also see this as a huge temtation that has walked in my life. We work at my kids school so it is quite complicated. I pray everyone including me gets the help they need. I know a relationship with him would blow lives up. I feel past trauma is being dug up by this. It is a horrible up and down roller coaster I would wish on nobody. Ever. I also feel there are men and women who can manipulate hurting and vulnerable people to supply their egos. Most people did not seek this. I am praying mine passes and I don’t do anything more stupid than I already have.
Have you looked for a therapist who specializes in trauma? PTSD? If you can find one and the therapist is a ‘good fit’ this could make your life significantly better and give you even more skills for coping with troubles in life. I’d say grief but this seems like a situation that may need more than that as its focus.
I’m really sorry.
“We work at my kids school so it is quite complicated.”
Ack! That situation is like visiting Chernobyl and ditching protective gear. So hard on you, I know.
” I also feel there are men and women who can manipulate hurting and vulnerable people to supply their egos.”
You’re too right about that and you’re floundering in a sea of hormones and mixed signals coming from your brain and possibly from someone else and the whole thing is like entering H.H. Holmes’s hotel, so to speak.
Thanks Lee. I appreciate your perspective as the spouse of the limerant. I have reached out to him 3 times since yesterday with no response. It is like OCD. I weep after contact or when I don’t have it for a while. I don’t agrre with his worldview and see how he loves attention yet this push pull dynamic draws me in. He is in authority over me too. I am so confused. It is like I am not me right now.
Help –
Do you have someone in your life with a lot of narcissistic tendencies? Parent or parents, perhaps? I’m not suggesting he has NPD but that he may be behaving in ways that feel “like home” to you in some manner. (I posted the info down the page).
“…and see how he loves attention yet this push pull dynamic draws me in. He is in authority over me too.”
This may be crossing the line into an abuse of his authority. At the very least, it’s UNKIND. He knows you are interested in him, he’s unavailable or uninterested but he’s stringing you along AND he is your supervisor/boss. That’s really bad. It may also be holding you back at work. Maybe you will get a mediocre performance review (individual is too distracted [all the while doing things to KEEP you distracted] to focus properly on the task at hand, etc.) or even prevent you from getting a raise or a better job.
Is there any way you can get a lateral transfer, if not a promotion or different job? Weeping this much is a sign that you’re going past the point of endurance.
Now may not be the best to figure out why you are so taken by him. Now may be the best time to remove yourself from the situation, stop spinning like a gyroscope and then figure out what you found so captivating.
If you’re shooting yourself in the foot, stop – THEN seek medical attention. Toss the gun too.
https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview#a1
Thanks, Lee yes I believe a parent was on the NPD scale. He puts his arm around women in photos and once at an event came up and kept putting his hand on my upper back and rubbing it or leaving his hand there. No one was behind my table and my husband was next to me. His wife was in the room but wouldnt have seen it. It felt nice and yucky at the same time. I vascilate between thinking he is a nice guy to that he is toying with me.
From what I understand about limerance is that I will read things into his actions to prove he reciprocates. Maybe thats normal to put your arm around women in pictures or touch their upper back. He also told me I was his friend and could call him on the weekend or evening or text. I am messed up.
To the women in the story above, you are in danger. I am in my own fog but see you are one step away from PA.
“No one was behind my table and my husband was next to me. His wife was in the room but wouldnt have seen it. It felt nice and yucky at the same time. I vascilate between thinking he is a nice guy to that he is toying with me.”
Oh man, he isn’t a nice guy. Please, trust me on that one. Also make a point in the future of telling him to remove his hand after he’s left it there longer than social niceties require. Firmly. In a clear voice. He is abusing his position and the fact that he’s doing it sneakily underscores that he’s not treating you like a colleague or with even the slightest bit of respect.
He’s marking his territory and he’s putting it into your head that it’s okay and to not mention it to your husband. You should. He’s tearing your husband down in a smarmy manner because he’s doing this behind his back (and his wife’s).
“He also told me I was his friend and could call him on the weekend or evening or text.”
No – please – step away. He’s grooming you to become his dirty little secret and his wife is quite possibly unaware. Or if she is aware that he’s not inclined to being faithful to her, that doesn’t mean you and your husband signed up for that role.
In addition, even if you do want to discuss the “open marriage” option – don’t do it and then have at it with THIS man. You discuss open marriage with your spouse LONG before you set your cap for an individual.
He’s bad news. Also consider that others in your work environment aren’t unaware of what he’s doing, or how you’re responding and that may also inhibit your career. Is your company large enough that you can go to HR and ask for a lateral transfer without it raising alarm bells?
I’m not suggesting you’re doing anything wrong. This guy is accustomed to getting away with this behavior. Now may or may not be the time to tilt that particular windmill. Get away from it to the best of your ability. Enlist your spouse as your ally. Tell him that your supervisor makes you feel uncomfortable (not a lie!) and you are looking for a new position.
Hey, wouldn’t it be nice to get away with Mr. Touchy-Feely-Entitlement AND land something that pays more? Plus open the lines of communication with your spouse?
*crosses fingers*
I love “Play It Again, Sam” by Woody Allen. It captures limerence for a close family friend really well. If you have 85 minutes to kill, I recommend it. If not, here are 3 good clips.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyHkKUcrgq4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JkLimZnZAs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdfgoDKArzM
OT: For those of you who can’t remember a time before cell phones, pay attention to Tony Robert’s character. That was life then.