Back in the summer I asked the LwL community about the biggest problems that limerents face.
It’s taken me a while to go through them, but I’ve finally got around the compiling all the questions into categories and coming up with some quick wins to help those facing them.
Here’s the YouTube video in which I go through it:
And for those who prefer to read:
Transcript
I’ve been studying and writing about limerence for over a decade, and helped nearly 1000 students on my limerence recovery course free themselves from romantic obsession.
Something I’ve learned along the way is that there can often be one big, hairy problem that blocks people’s recovery.
It’s not always the same problem, of course. Everyone is unique. But there are a few meaty ones that come up again and again.
In this video, I’ll show you the top ten most difficult barriers that struggling limerents face, and give you one quick win to help break through them.
So to rank the bulkiest barriers to recovery, I recently asked the community at livingwithlimerence.com to tell me what their biggest problems are.
Over the month the post was live, 1500 people clicked on it, left hundreds of comments (or emailed me directly), and I read the lot.
As you might expect, there were some highly specific issues, but also some big topics that came up again and again.
Let’s tackle them.
Problem number one…
1. Intrusive thoughts
One of the most distressing and disruptive problems is dealing with intrusive thoughts. As Niniane puts it:
“How to get rid of intrusive thoughts? That’s huge and carries over into other aspects of life too (anger, envy, remorse etc etc). How to reclaim a mind that’s been hijacked by any experience or emotion?” –Niniane
Or as Phil puts it:
“I yearn for so much more, I fantasise about it, allow intrusive thoughts to dominate, and wallow in self pity. It’s a madness. All so foolish.” –Phil
Intrusive thoughts are those involuntary thought loops that you feel unable to escape. Your limerent object seems to invade your mind at the slightest trigger. The obsessive cycle can start as soon as you wake up, and haunt you all through the day.
An important point is that the nature of the intrusive thoughts often changes as limerence progresses.
Early on they are typically desire-driven—wanting to be with your limerent object, everything in your environment triggers the urge to seek them, you rehearse possible conversations that might delight and impress them.
But as time goes on and the thrills of limerence give way to an addictive dependency, the thoughts can become more anxiety based:
I’m losing my chance. I have to tell them how I feel. I can’t believe how I behaved.
Although these types of intrusive thoughts are best managed in different ways, the key mental shift needed is to accept them.
Don’t try and suppress intrusive thoughts. If you try to bottle them up, they gain psychological pressure, and get more dangerous. More explosive.
Like pressure building up in a boiler, you need to let the steam out slowly.
You need to acknowledge them, accept they will sometimes come, but let them pass. That’s how you reduce their emotional power.
One mindset shift that can help is to think of your intrusive thoughts as a scared child in the back of a car you’re driving.
Yes, the constant anxious questions—how much longer?, is it safe?, why do we have to do this?, I want to stop—are annoying and distracting, but shouting at them to shut the hell up won’t actually solve the problem.
Children need to be reassured—not long now, don’t worry, I know what I’m doing, we’ll get there safe and sound.
Practicing patience, and recognising that intrusive thoughts are the frightened outbursts of your subconscious, helps calm your mind and speed up recovery.
Right, big problem number two…
2. Guilt
This problem applies most obviously to people who are limerent for someone they shouldn’t be limerent for.
As Camilla puts it:
“The absolute damnation of being life-partnered, with generally a good code of ethics, morals, and… thinking, all is well, and then a limerent object appears, causing havoc and making a mockery of promises, truths, and values by their mere existence.” –CamillaGeorge
And as Kat says:
“I am so worried this will eventually wreck my relationship… I feel this constant guilt” –Kat
It’s a massive psychological burden when the strength of limerent temptation is stress-testing your morals.
I think the big win here is embracing the guilt.
Use it.
Guilt can be productive when it makes you feel the consequences of breaking your own moral code.
Limerence is a deeply rooted drive that is all about feelings. Guilt can be used to face the limerence on its own territory. In the feeling part of the brain.
Genuine guilt about your actions is a tool for mentally deprogramming yourself out of the false association that your limerent object is a source of reward.
To recover from limerence, you have to teach your subconscious that the intoxicating pleasures of limerence are actually toxic.
- When I give into temptation, I don’t like myself.
- They aren’t really a source of happiness, they just make me high.
- People I love suffer when I pursue them.
- I don’t want to be the kind of person that does that.
- That’s the reality of what they mean for my life.
Use guilt to rewrite the mental program that limerence = reward into limerence = regret.
But, I would add one important distinction here. There is a difference between guilt (I have done something that I regret) and shame (I am a terrible person).
Shame is very rarely useful, because it is just destructive to self-esteem, and it’s often a manipulation of other people who want to guilt-trip you into doing what they want.
So, trust your own judgement about your own actions over other people attacking your character.
OK, big problem number 3
3. Grief and mourning
This one is more about sadness and loss, but no less emotionally potent. As Mila puts it:
“Grieving for a connection/fulfilment that‘s never going to happen… because the person I yearned to connect with, this special glimmering person, doesn’t exist,” –Mila
A lot of people feel this pain.
It’s the death of hope, the loss of a beautiful illusion.
This can be understood as a form of what’s known as “disenfranchised grief”—a term coined by the psychologist Kenneth Doka to describe grief that isn’t seen as justified or socially acceptable.
Grieving a connection that wasn’t a genuine relationship, but that meant so much to you, might seem foolish or selfish—often, even to the suffering limerent.
The way to handle this grief is to let go of the embarrassment and accept that you are experiencing loss for something that had enormous meaning for you, even though it wasn’t “real” in a public and social sense.
I actually think this is a healthy way to make sense of limerence.
Grief is a process of letting go of someone, while remembering what they meant to you.
Any limerence episode can be looked back on as an important stage of your own emotional development.
OK. Problem number 4. More practical this time…
4. I can’t go no contact
This is common when you work or study with your limerent object.
As LaR asks, what are the:
“Recommended methods to manage and withdraw from limerence when no contact is not an option, e.g. when it is a workplace limerence episode” –LaR
Going no contact is obviously a powerful strategy for recovery, as you are removing the source of temptation, and cutting access to your drug of choice.
But, it’s often not within our control as individuals.
The solution here is to focus intensely on what is within your control.
First up, limit your contact as far as you can—so any casual contact like coffee breaks or after work drinks can go. Don’t use the impossibility of complete No Contact as an excuse to just give in.
Second, realise that contact doesn’t only apply to in-person meetings. There are lots of indirect forms of contact that reinforce limerence—texting, Whatsapp, Facebook messenges, even passively browsing their social media accounts.
Gradually wean yourself off all these channels, until contact is as limited as you can make it.
That gives you the best hope of dealing with the remaining few points of uncontrolled contact effectively.
OK. Problem number 5…
5. Emotional dependence
Many limerents feel helpless, because their limerent objects seem to have complete control over their emotions.
“How she acted towards me, and any contact, controlled my mood completely.” –In Too Deep
This feeling of helplessness, of dependency on them, means that a limerent can have the best intentions in the world, but then find all their resolve collapses in the moment.
The limerent object works their beguiling magic, and your emotions dance to their tune.
The way through this barrier, is to take back control by analysing your limerent object.
The goal is to train your executive brain to engage with your situation as a puzzle to solve, a problem that needs to be fixed.
That helps interrupt the purely emotional response that otherwise dominates your encounters.
You can get to the point where they still trigger strong desires, strong emotions, in you but you choose how you act.
This is the self-development aspect of limerence recovery. Instead of being dazzled by them and led by your emotions, you confront the reasons why you are psychologically vulnerable.
- What is it about them that you are responding to?
- Where do those needs come from?
- Who are you, deep down?
- What do you want out of life?
- What are they getting out of your infatuation?
Redirect your energy from trying to understand how to please them, to understanding yourself.
OK. Problem number six is…
6. Manipulative limerent objects
Sometimes we become besotted with someone who is bad news.
“My LO is manipulative… LO lies a lot and tries to manipulate everyone. When his charm doesn’t work out, LO applies pressure” –Eva
Once you have recognised this in your own limerent object, there’s really only one good option—escape from their influence.
Learn the tricks they use to manipulate, and harden yourself against them.
Don’t try and untangle the mystery of why they act this way, what their true motives are, or whether you can rescue them from their flaws—just accept the need to break free from their toxic influence.
And, watch my video on how to overcome limerence to free yourself.
Problem number 7…
7. I don’t want to lose the friendship
Another really common one, and one of the most emotionally taxing problems, surprisingly.
Lots of limerents really like their limerent objects.
Their limerence doesn’t feel like a dark or illicit desire—they are drawn to people who are good.
Depressed Nerd has one of the clearest examples of the problem:
“I am a homosexual and I develop limerence for my close male friends… the prospect of cutting off someone like that feels nightmarish” –Depressed Nerd
Yeah, this is rough.
Unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done about it, except to detach from the friend until you get over the limerence.
It’s a dismal message, but trying to stay friends with someone you are limerent for is a category error.
You can’t build emotional intimacy while also decreasing romantic desire.
It’s sad, but you can’t realistically keep a friendship alive while you are in the altered mental state of limerence.
You’ll turbocharge the limerence, while also being a rather emotionally erratic friend.
Sorry—not much of a win to offer for this one—just accepting a fundamental limitation of emotional reality.
The one ray of hope is that it is possible to become friends with an old limerent object if you have succeeded in overcoming the limerence for them.
So, that can be used as motivation for doing the self-development work of understanding your own triggers and how and why they deepen your limerence.
OK. Problem number 8…
8. Love confusion
How can love be so complicated?
“My biggest question is I cannot understand why I can be in love with my significant other and still feel so much for my limerent object.” –Hopeful
The answer is that love comes in different forms, and it changes over time.
Limerence is an explosive burst of overwhelming desire that drives us to form a pair bond. It’s about establishing a mating connection.
If it succeeds and you do form a romantic relationship, those wild emotions can settle, and a calmer, deeper affectionate bond can develop over time.
Instead, if limerence is frustrated by uncertainty, it can escalate into a behavioural addiction.
So, it’s perfectly possible to feel a stable bond of love for one person, but a burst of limerent excitement for another.
The mindset shift needed to make sense of this is that limerence is really about pattern recognition for a mate that your subconscious finds desirable.
They will still exist in the world, even after you have formed a healthy long-term love bond.
Just as other people can provoke lust in you even though you love your spouse, some other people can provoke limerence too.
Commitment is really about not pursuing those drives when they arrive.
Forsaking all others, as it were.
OK, nearly done, problem number nine…
9. I should want to give them up but I don’t
So, we’re sticking with the challenges of commitment.
“I’ve been deep in an emotional affair for months and I know I have to stop but I don’t want to. Every option seems bad.” –Janice
This is essentially the addict’s dilemma:
What I’m doing feels bad. The thought of carrying on feels bad. The thought of stopping feels bad.
Giving into temptation is pleasurable, and you’ve essentially conditioned yourself into a state of believing you’ll always just give in.
Usually, people stuck in this trap respond with inaction—keep coasting and hope that something changes, or something forces the issue one way or another.
That’s no way to live.
The problem at the root of this is that indecisiveness has led you into late-stage limerence, into person addiction.
The uncertainty created by secrecy and moral ambiguity deepens the addiction and transforms it into a relentless wanting drive that persists even after the harms are mounting up.
The only way out is to be decisive.
Choose.
You can’t keep doing the same thing and hope for a different outcome.
You can’t eat your cake and have it.
And finally, problem number 10…
10. I’m an outlier
OK, I’m cheating a bit by bundling a lot of different problems into one at the end, but the idea here is: how do these principles apply to me?
Bob illustrates the issue:
“How does neurodiversity interact with limerence and the difficulties escaping from it?” –Bob
Everyone’s individual experience of limerence is unique.
But, while the details are unique, the basic neural mechanisms that operate are the same for all of us.
Overactive reward. Compromised self-control. Desperate wanting.
So, the engine of limerence lies in the mechanisms of our brains, but how we individually experience the symptoms depends on our own personalities, life histories and psychological traits.
Limerents with ADHD may be more prone to hyperfixations.
Limerents with OCD may be more prone to distressing intrusive thoughts.
Limerents with anxious attachment may be more prone to fear of abandonment.
The main principles for recovery that I discuss—no contact, train your executive brain, spoil rewards—are effective at bumping your brain out of the altered mental state so you can reestablish emotional stability, but the individual vulnerabilities, subconscious needs, and personal struggles will depend on who we are as individuals.
This is where therapy can be a powerful tool for figuring out why we are vulnerable to certain people, and why our own limerent experience is the way it is.
Wow! Thank you so much, Tom.
So much to digest. I can’t really formulate a response, but wanted to express my gratitude.
Great write-up, Dr. L.
I will happily accept this blog entry in lieu of an “Aphorisms of the Good Doctor” blog entry, since here you are basically providing pithy responses to common questions.
Fascinating to see CamillaGeorge and Mila and LaR’s names appear in the line-up. So INTERESTING to know all the dirt on most cherished acquaintances. (I’m kidding. I’m kidding. During my time at LwL, I’ve learned absolutely nothing scandalous about anyone. This forum is refreshingly free of nastiness). 🙂
I don’t want to make your list endless. But if I had to add one bonus problem: “11. Feeling Misunderstood by Other People”. I mean, this point kind of ties in with “10. I’m an Outlier”.
Basically, if people in limerence feel misunderstood by friends and family, they may either (a) withdraw further into self-isolation and not seek help, or (b) develop an angry, argumentative, and overly defensive attitude in order to protect the “sacredness of their intense emotions”, which they feel others are mocking/questioning/threatening in some way. (Limerence can trick the mind into believing it’s random fellow humans who are the obstacles lying in the path of ecstatic union with LO, and not a bunch of other much more likely factors such as the LO’s failure to show genuine interest in cultivating a pair-bond).
I realise I was in full-blown limerence the year I was 16 pretty much for the whole year. It was very painful, but also pleasurable, because back then I still had hope of some kind. I think the “tells” were (a) my grades were slipping when I was a good student and (b) I avoided social invitations in favour of self-isolation. I really did become “a stranger to myself” for a time, lost in a web of fantasies.
It’s strange to think my LO was making me “high”. It’s also strange to think of limerence as early-stage romantic love, when at the time I wasn’t bright enough to put two and two together. I just thought: “I need more of this person.”
Thank you for helping so many people – even and especially all those “invisible LwLers” who don’t necessarily participate in the blog community. 🙂
On grief:
My LO announced a move to the other side of the country. Up until then, no contact had been an impossibility, although I had tried, mostly successfully, to stick to essential contact with a professional tone.
I wallowed, spontaneously burst into tears for no reason in the middle of the day, went for long walks alone and generally wondered how I would cope. I deleted Twitter, hid on Linkedin. I ruined our goodbyes. All of this in secret. I guess this ties in with your final point Dr L, about being an outlier, and with Sammy’s point about not seeking help – I do not feel I could have explained this level of distress to anyone and have them think it sounded reasonable and proportionate.
Then, at the last minute, LO asked if we could keep in touch. I am sure this was totally innocent – there has been no disclosure – but I felt as though all the grief-processing I had already done was out the window. I told myself it was nothing more than a professional courtesy. That people don’t usually mean it when they ask to keep in touch.
Eighteen months later things still come up which I desperately want to discuss with LO more than anyone else. I have had to redevelop confidence in my own opinion, the ability to analyse, draw my own conclusions. I think I lost a bit of myself.
Hi Onyx,
I think it’s common to lose bits of ourselves in these situations – or use LO/LE to fill in bits that were lacking at the time.
So have I read you right – are you now 18 months on from the announcement about LO moving away? Did you keep in touch to any extent, or did the move give you the space to go NC?
Sending good wishes.
18 months from LO actually moving away. A bit longer since it was announced.
A couple of lapses and one unplanned but not entirely unexpected encounter but mostly NC.
Yes, there were things lacking before, which overall have been addressed or at least highlighted by the whole experience, so I guess that’s a positive.
You have been on this journey for a while too, haven’t you?
Onyx,
I’m clocking in at over two years now, but with a reduced and more tolerable last seven or so months under my belt.
I’ve often reflected what it would have been like if we’d been separated geographically / at work. I think contact would naturally have tapered off and let me put more of a lid on it. So it’s interesting you say that you still often think that LO is the first person you’d want to talk to. This stuff is hard, isn’t it?
I think there’s pros and cons to both ways of NC and almost ‘exposure therapy’, depending on the people’s situations – I can act a lot more ‘normal’ around LO now than I used to be able to, because I have to, or every day would be mad. Mind you, DrL has ‘schooled’ me in his last video by including my comment but then explaining how to really go about workplace LC. I haven’t always been as strong with that as I should and could have.
Thank you, Dr L,
for the chapter about grief, not because I’m mentioned because I think here is/was my biggest problem in letting this last LE go.
I think what my battered mind was craving for was a proper grieving period with a proper goodbye and ending. Instead I was stuck in „don’t be pathetic, he‘s still your friend and you are being unfair to him“.
The trying to stay friends and seeing him as a normal person in my life hindered my proper satisfying grief, a grief that ultimately didn’t stem from generally having been limerent, but from having had all these limerent feelings for someone who wasn’t who I thought he was.
Basically as Dr L quoted me, for a non-existent understanding, warm and sensitive friend. It was as if this person I had all these warm feelings for had died.
But I knew that there was still this real person who was also my friend, although a much more limited one, and that I was being unfair to this person, and I was sick and tired of all the dramatic stuff and tried to cop on and pull myself together.
Didn’t work so well, I couldn’t stop resenting this real person for not being the imagined friend, and I think part of it is not having been able to have a proper wallowing goodbye from the dream, and for feeling pathetic and grudge-holding when I wanted to grieve, instead of accepting it like Dr L recommended.
But how do you grieve properly, especially in this situation?
I don’t know. I feel quite distant now from my friend, that’s a bit sad, but on the other hand, it seems necessary at least for a while, at the moment I cannot but still see him in a rather negative light. He feels it and behaves awkwardly (I‘ve met him in the meantime, by the way) and it’s (as always) up to me to change the mood between us, but at the moment I don’t feel like it.
Now I think it’s ok and my right to distance myself from a friendship I don’t feel comfortable with at the moment. It might come back to warmer contact, but it seems that now it’s not working for me and there is a period of very little contact needed. So be it, and now I can accept that with only a little feeling of loss, and no guilt.
To Mila:
I wanted to let you know how much I identify with your comments.
I just got hit unexpectedly with a wave of grief, and came here to re-read Dr. L’s comments, as well as your excellent post.
I am sorry you feel you have to be here, but I am grateful for your presence and your thoughtful outlook.
Hi Norma,
Thanks for the kind words, I‘m touched. Grief seemed to be an important part of my last LE and I sometimes can still feel it or a weak version of it, when there‘s another kind of botched texting attempt between XLO and me.
I don’t really feel I have to be here, I think I could just stop visiting the site. But it’s a kind of nostalgia because it helped me so much in the past, and as you might have seen, I can’t let go easily. I‘m curious how people here I grew fond of will cope in the future etc.
Sorry for assuming recently that your LO might add to your life, I just got the impression that you can be intrigued and amused by his behaviors, and that it could be a bit like an entertainment in your life.
If he still causes you grief and pain, that’s of course a different matter. But you seem to get more confident and less attached, next year will be way better for you, I’m sure!
What will you do over the holidays? Stay home cosily, or some visit lined up?
To Mila:
All those things you said are true. He DOES add to my life. I AM intrigued and amused by him. He IS entertaining.
The downside is just too difficult.
Ugh. The holidays. I am forced due to medical problems to stay home alone. I am getting more used to it as the years go by, so it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.
Thank you for asking about me.
Hi Norma,
if the medical problems wouldn’t exist, what would you do? Just curious. With all the hectic around Christmas, it might be cosy and calm at home… do you have a pet? I remember dimly a pet but something happened to it, no?
I hope you’ve planned a nice meal and treat yourself to something special!
To Mila:
You have a good memory! I had a hairless guinea pig named Cristobal who sadly passed away in April. I replaced him immediately because I couldn’t stand the pain. Unfortunately, hairless guinea pigs (my favorite) have fallen out of popularity, so I settled for a standard American short-hair, tri-color male that I named Francis after the Pope. All of this occurred the week that Pope Francis died.
I also have chinchillas who are fun, but I have to be very careful with them. They are prey animals and have an instinct to run away, even after years of being used to me. I have had some difficult experiences chasing one of them, Lucille, around the house. The only way I am able to catch him is to tire him out. When he finally collapses from exhaustion, that’s when I strike. It takes about an hour, and is not fun. He is small and extremely agile, so easily darts under furniture. He’s a handful.
He is about eight years old now, and has not slowed down too much with age, although he was much more difficult to catch when he was younger.
If I felt better, I would go to my sister’s for holidays. She lives about 90 minutes away, and it’s far too tiring in my condition. But I have gone in years past and always had a great time.
I have learned to be okay on my own.
Thank you for asking about me.
The top three on this list have definitely featured prominently in my recovery. The intrusive thoughts have lessened over the years ( I’m just past the third year anniversary of the onset); guilt remains high as I was married when the LE happened (and thankfully still am) and yet I am still thinking of the LO albeit less often. I think I also still struggle with the grief, and wonder whether I am stuck in the denial stage. I disclosed my feelings to my LO and was fairly clearly met with rejection so why do I still keep imagining that I will see him again and find out that he did have feelings for me but couldn’t show them (he too was married). This vexes me and underscores the vast difference between knowledge and belief. When I read Dr. L’s descriptions of the reasons behind limerence and the means for recovery they all ring true yet I feel on some level that I don’t believe them. And this brings me to what I see as a main impediment to my recovery – that I’ve only had the one LO. While as a matter of common sense I can accept the likelihood that the LO is not as marvelous as I believe him to be, it is difficult for me to internalize that truth because I’ve never experienced anything like limerence for another person in the entirety of my sixty years. If I’d had other LOs I think it would be easier for me to accept that time will take care of this episode. Perhaps I am an outlier in this respect, in which case I fall within the catch all #10, but I feel that singularity can be a significant impediment to recovery.
I never disclosed to LO, but I also wasn’t at all bashful about praising her and giving her compliments, both personally and secularly. She was, limerence aside, a hard worker and an accomplished woman. Even without limerence I could still see her as wife material, just in a more objective and non-obsessive way. I am married, she was single. When the whole office knows you have a “crush” on her, I am sure she knew how I felt too.
Someone can correct me if I am wrong, but I think a majority of the problem cases I have read here, come from disclosure after the limerent understands what is going on with them. They may not use the term limerence to the LO but they will at least try to explain it in ways the LO will understand how they feel about them. Which can come off obsessive and/or possessive to the LO. Which is probably going to be very off-putting to them whether they and/or you are available or not. It’s like chancing dating in the workplace even when you are both available. If it goes sour, can you escape the situation? I did that before I got married and that work romance was not one of my better decisions.
Even now married, obviously outside of LO (and to a degree because of LO) I maintain a very strict boundary outside of the workplace. A female co-worker invited my wife and I to her and her husbands vow renewal in July, to which I told her I’d accept her invitation if my wife came with me. We have a Christmas party coming up this Saturday, to which my wife is my date. I have no female co-workers in the immediate building I work in, but I do have female co-workers I communicate with for my job. When people on average spend 40-60 hours of the 160 some hours we have a week and the other majority of it sleeping, it’s bound to be a challenge most have to face.
Adam,
Thanks for your comments.
I am trying very hard not to make my limerence (or even crush) know to anyone. I hope it doesn’t “leak” out. I don’t know whether LO knows.
The two biggest issues for me would be grief/mourning because of those intrusive thoughts. The strategy Dr. L suggests about allowing them in has worked. Over time the thoughts have decreased and I find myself not giving her the brain space I once did. I think the death of hope reached me not long after the LE got off the ground. I just never wanted to admit it. Still don’t really..
Because of my life situations though, and what seems like a never ending failure to genuinely connect with anyone, I resort back to ruminating over LO. Because in that world everything is perfect. I have somehow conditioned myself to be ok with this because it takes me out of reality. Sometimes just listening to or adding songs to her playlist adds to the reverie. It never takes a lot to be cast under her spell.
Guess I can get away with this because I’m single, lonely and pretty miserable. Being all my LE is a workplace situation and I maintain a handful of female friendships at work, I always run the risk of seeing LO again. Which will probably cause no major emotional upheaval. I figure things can’t get any worse because I’m probably not going to do anything to make them much better. (Or worse for that matter.)
No good Woman wants to deal with what I do outside of work, when it comes to being Dads other part time caregiver. The rest of what I grapple with on my own are matters beyond what this forum is for.
I think a lot of my problem is just not being emotionally invested enough in anything because the amount of emotional baggage I’m carrying simply isn’t worth unpacking to anyone. I’m a very complicated person, which would make dating me a chore instead of a pleasure. For any Woman, willing to take me on, will have to be a Saint.
Big hugs.
Right back at you Cloud
🤗
Dear MJ:
Sending you a hug and a wish for your peace of mind.
“I think a lot of my problem is just not being emotionally invested enough in anything because the amount of emotional baggage I’m carrying simply isn’t worth unpacking to anyone.”
Brother, the last time I visited LO’s old location, I was in the warehouse gathering parts I needed to take back to my location, and I was singing Whiskey Lullaby while I was working. One of the young ladies I communicate with there heard me singing and told me “that’s gonna be you one day if you don’t slow down.” I told her “That’s kinda the point young lady.” My bad habit is well known here, but the reason(s) I don’t talk about much. One of the reasons I was a way, way, worse drinker before I met Momma, is because I didn’t find any worth in myself. So why would anyone else? If even my own parents didn’t because I didn’t turn out the good Christian boy they wanted me to be?
You have value brother. You just have to find …. no, wait, for the right person. She’ll come along and see there is something inside you. I am certain I would have never made it to 30 if it hadn’t been for Momma. And I never set out to find someone. I had before meeting her given up on dating and women. Not bitter or angry …. just settled in that romance wasn’t for me. I’d plenty of female friends but as far as romance I was done. The events that led up to meeting Momma were mostly out of my hands and not directly by my own decisions or actions.
There will be a woman out there that won’t look at the fact that you care for your father as a deterrent. She will see you as I do, a loving son caring for his father. Despite how difficult it is for you. That is love and determination, and those qualities are rare in this day and age, it seems. Especially when caring for aging parents. Momma’s material grandmother spent about the last decade of her life in a senior home. And maybe some day, like Momma’s grandmother, that may happen to your father. Not because you declined to help him but because the care he may need is beyond humanly capable for you. But I can promise you, like my own material grandmother, they will remember that you keep them close to yourself for as long as you could. While my grandmother had been broken by grandfather dying, I know somewhere in that broken mind of hers she knew Mom and my aunt (my mother’s sister who also lived with us) took great care of her until the night she passed away from this world. I don’t know your father’s condition. But if he can’t vocally tell you “thank you” he would.
MJ,
Adam wrote: “There will be a woman out there that won’t look at the fact that you care for your father as a deterrent. She will see you as I do, a loving son caring for his father.
I agree. However, there is a caveat. We live in a society with an epidemic of “busyness.” “I’m so busy, I’m so busy, I’m so busy.” And then you find out what is in part making the person so busy … they are raising their own chickens or making their own cheese. What I mean is: They’re creating some of the busyness. They could easily make some their tasks easier and be more time-efficient. I guess being busy gives them … idk … a sense of identity or purpose or they’re following along with everyone else.
So could you take care of your dad in 30 minutes a day but you’re taking 3 hours? I would have patience with the former but not the latter.
I’m not saying you’re doing this, but it’s something to consider. Also … and here’s another thing I thought of … are you burying yourself in caring for your dad to avoid having your own life?
If I’m way off, I apologize.
Wow, Marcia, that was kind of harsh, but perhaps a good thing for MJ to think about. I appreciate your perspective because you have good ideas that I hadn’t thought of.
Ironically, I’m typing this on my phone outside the care center where my mom resides. I’m dropping off her clean laundry. I could pay $200/month for the care center to wash my mom’s laundry. I find that by doing it myself, I have a great excuse to visit my mom a few times per week. Also, the aides just don’t put in as much effort to making things nice for my mom as I do. The aides are doing a great job, but… well… I want better. Every time I visit my mom I clean up. Sometimes there’s a lot to do, sometimes a little. It’s always gross stuff like a dirty toilet, but I remind myself that no matter how many messes I clean up for my mom now, I will never be able to repay her for what she’s done for me.
Interestingly, me taking care of my mom has never bothered my husband. Even when she moved in with us and my husband converted his in-home-workshop into a bedroom my husband didn’t complain. He says stuff like, “I love how committed you are to your family.” And “You’re a great daughter.” Stuff like that.
I might feel differently if I were single, but I think MJs commitment to his dad wouldn’t be a deterrent to the right girl. Ideally, she would roll up her sleeves and say, “How can I help?”
I’d like to second Lovisa’s remarks:
“MJs commitment to his dad wouldn’t be a deterrent to the right girl. Ideally, she would roll up her sleeves and say, “How can I help?””
I believe MJ’s commitment to his dad demonstrates character, something that cannot be taken for granted in our individualistic culture.
“They could easily make some their tasks easier and be more time-efficient. I guess being busy gives them … idk … a sense of identity or purpose or they’re following along with everyone else.”
“Are you burying yourself in caring for your dad to avoid having your own life?”
Marcia
There is a lot to unpack here but rather go into all of it, the simplest way to put it is like this..
I am an only child. Without me, all Dad has is a caretaker who comes to his home 5 maybe 6 hours hours out of each day. (Mon thru Fri) This caretaker is private and Dad pays him privately by the hour. We found him thru word of mouth and he has been a god-send. I get over there when I can during the week but on the weekends I have to be there because Dad has many needs. Caretaking in any capacity is not cheap and so in place of a weekend caretaker and to help save what savings Dad still has, I become his Primary. He does not want to go into assisted living and I don’t want to put him there. The Estate and everything is mine upon his death. Including any savings leftover, so this is to my benefit. However in the interim, it is hardly a cake-walk, but the arrangement works for now. If he somehow injures himself or his condition worsens, then assisted living may have to come in to play. I can’t not work.
I don’t really think this is a matter of avoiding or wanting to avoid having a life. By default, my work has somehow now become my life. I can’t say I love my work or that I live for my work, but I do find myself not minding ever being there. It has become my social ground. My getaway when I’ve had enough of bed-pans and cooking meals. Or rummaging thru the museum of my childhood because Mom literally saved everything and the house is pack-ratted everywhere. Its beyond overwhelming. To tackle it on my own feels almost insurmountable. This is another reason why I feel like bringing someone along now will just be unfair. I look at the failure of my life as it currently stands and really don’t want to involve anyone in the mess. Even to LO this would be so unfair.
Sometimes it feels like its been this way forever but now I’m finally just getting to the meat and potatoes of the matters. I feel God has been retributional, showing me the sadness I inflicted on my Wife and Family.. For years.. For being a selfish, sexualized prick husband, overbearing Father, and overall idiot. It’s a guilt I live with and nobody but myself has put me here. We sow the seeds of our own demise..
I feel the least I can do now is give some back to my Father, for the good life he truly desired and wanted me to have. Even though I’ve done what feels like everything wrong, under the Sun, to ruin it..
MJ,
Just some thoughts … So if your dad’s caregiver is there 5 to 6 hours a day, Monday through Friday, is that what you do on the weekends? On Saturday and Sunday, are you there 5 to 6 hours a day? Wouldn’t that leave you time to take someone out on a Saturday night ? I think you wrote you worked nights, so I’m assuming you can’t take someone out during the week ?
I’m assuming there are women out there who would be ok with meeting once a week if you were dating. Particularly because you want to date younger. They’ll probably have kids to care for. (C’mon, that was funny. Funny but true. :)) I think you could make it work with someone who had other responsibilities but was willing to carve time out for you, as you would for her.
As for a woman/partner helping you out with your dad, as was pointed out … sure, but you’d need to invest in her and a relationship before she signed up for that. That seems self-evident.
I don’t think you’re being punished. I think you’re punishing yourself. I think you have to forgive yourself. I know that’s a million times easier said than done. But you’ll notice that no one on here is judging you.
Brother
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your message. The stories about your family were nice.
Dad is still coherent and able to make decisions. He thanks me often. He’s just more or less confined to a wheel chair. He cannot stand, walk or get himself to the bathroom without help. He also doesn’t drive anymore, so his days are spent in his recliner watching tv. He’s depressed and has even talked about suicide but also knows that won’t make things better either. Its difficult to see this but I don’t know what else I can do.
Its not that I believe a good Woman is incapable of loving me again. One that might even want to help. But its not why I long for companionship. I really don’t want to bring any Woman into this. It just doesn’t seem fair. Plus the time to make it all happen feels daunting and difficult. Every Woman is going to come to the table with her own soap opera too. (I know this probably sounds like complaining but I’m really not.)
In a way I want to welcome that challenge. I don’t like to believe all hope is lost but the time in getting to there feels like a road that will never end. I think I’m often down about it because luck feels weak and being without anyone this time of year doesn’t help much either.
Brother
My paternal grandfather, while not confined to a wheelchair, sounds familiar to your father’s state of mind. Grandfather was forced to retire by the company he had worked for, for many years, because he didn’t want to just sit at home. I am sorry that your father is in such a condition. I’ve gotten over my fear of my own mortality, but fear my end being something along the lines of either your father or my grandfather. Or that Momma goes before I do and I am alone again. Hopefully he can find something that can entertain and ease his mind off his physical condition.
So brother …. now is my almost limerent brain again story …. don’t be too hard on a brother.
We hired a new gal back in September. I’ve only met her in person one time up until yesterday. She doesn’t talk about her home life much so I wasn’t sure her relationship status. She is a very nice, sweet and soft spoken woman. Reminded me of LO a bit.
So Saturday night Momma and I went to the company Christmas party. While I was waiting for Momma to do her hair and makeup I looked for her FB so maybe I would have something to talk with her about. Well her first and last name are fairly common.
She didn’t have any pictures of herself other than her FB avatar. It said she was a single mother. No location on her FB page. And I could feel that damn limerence poking it’s ugly head from around the corner. Adam’s kryptonite. Momma called me for something so I closed the tab to check on what she needed. Me to my brain “Adam! Don’t you even get started with her!”
So anyway we get to the party location. Momma and I sat at one of the tables. We were a bit late. And she (my co-worker) turns around from the table in front of us and introduced herself to Momma. She said Hi to me and then says (to both my wife and I) “You two look fabulous!” With this sweet pretty smile. And … brain don’t start with me! Then she nudges the man sitting next to her and he turns around and introduces himself. It was her husband.
So I went to sit at the bar and get a drink and looked her up again but through the company’s own FB page, and realized the woman’s page I read wasn’t hers. When I found her FB page through the company page, I found that she and the man she was with have been married and have a child of their own. See, Adam she’s got someone looking after her …. and then what ever little inkling of limerence there was starting up, faded away.
As we were getting ready to leave, since Momma was driving me home, cause vodka & sprites, my other female co-worker (whose really the boss more than our own boss lol) complimented Momma on her dress. And Momma was telling her how she needed my help getting it and her boots on before we left. Then I said “which means I have help her get them off when we get home tonight” 😉 Momma was like ADAM! I just smiled like the cat that ate the canary.
It was nice to get out on a “date” with Momma. She bought her that pretty dress she wore and even wore makeup, something she rarely does. I had the most beautiful woman in the building.
Decided to check in and am most appreciative and humbled to be quoted by Dr L in such a great post alongside so many other forum members!
On guilt and self-worth …..approaching a place of acceptance and calm; Limerence over the last 4.5 years has proven to be an intensely transformative (painful!) and still ongoing experience. It certainly has changed how I interact and relate to people and I view things more calmly and not with fear and overwhelm, no longer vigilant and always ready to defend myself or assuming the worst. It is like being an onion with layers I never even knew existed, peeling away. Except the insides have changed too- different.
And I have told my LO this, twice over the past couple of months. That we share a deep bond of understanding and trust, with an energy that is electric in nature, at a deep personal level. And we agreed, we are not friends, that is not how it is.
There is still a bit of occasional pushme-pullyou energy, but more serenity not despair.
Camilla George, LaR, Norma,
I‘d like to ask on a whim- would you say that you are able to live with limerence (like the name of those website) now without disruption or suffering?
Because to me, for example the three of you seem to be still somewhat in limerence, but seem to be quite calm about it now and get benefits out of it , too (friendship in LaRs case, feeling of a deep bond in Camilla‘s, making daily life even more interesting in Norma’s case?).
I know I’m assuming a lot and am most probably not right in my assessment of your personal situation.
Being very glad to be out of limerence myself, I’m still interested if it‘s not possible to just live with it and enjoy positive aspects- just rattling a bit at the bars of the set view of limerence being an evil disease that needs overcoming… but I’m not very serious about it. Just curious and procrastinating work🙈
Hi Mila,
I like some good work procrastination so I’ll take it on.
“would you say that you are able to live with limerence (like the name of those website) now without disruption or suffering?”
I wouldn’t say its without *any* disruption or suffering. Yes, I still have some limerence, though it is so much better than it was for the 18 month really intense period. I still have feelings for my LO that go beyond what I should really have. There are still questions that pop in my head (from time to time, not on loop anymore) about ‘what might have been, and what never will be’. I still have to regulate myself – to tell myself and force myself not to do things that could ignite the embers (examples: seeking/inviting her out socially, gifting, especially at this time of year, ‘random acts of kindness’). I haven’t felt any resentment towards her for the last 2 or 3 months.
But on the side where I can and do live with it – I can (frequently have to) share work space with her and not feel triggered – just get along ‘normally’ – that no longer causes any distress to my days, whereas it once caused quite crippling distress levels. My mood doesn’t yo-yo around based on what she’s been doing or saying that day. I no longer over-interpret exchanges between us – positively or negatively. All of that has been quite constant in the last 3 months, and mostly true for the last 6 or 7.
It is as if I have become conditioned to it. It is a part of my life I need to tolerate – to try and tap into the nicer parts of it, and tune out/resist the downsides. I feel I have become very practiced at ‘living with’ limerence. I have had to based on the dynamics of the situation. It involves quite a lot of calibrating the level right.
As you know, I have never been able to properly separate the limerence from the quite long and deep friendship that I had with the LO before it went limerent. I have never been willing to sacrifice that friendship to limerence. That will hold true no matter how many times I read on here that “you can’t be friends with xLO”. The decision to stay friends with her is one that I own, and I will also have to own the consequences of it should it go wrong.
“just rattling a bit at the bars of the set view of limerence being an evil disease that needs overcoming”
If you asked me whether this LE has done me more harm or more good, I don’t know what I’d reply! I can see both sides. I might have more regrets once it is in the rear view mirror. But it has definitely been enlivening and (most of the time) made work a more fun place to be.
Camilla – if you’re reading this, I too was interested in how you have had that conversation with LO that it’s a deep, electric bond that’s not friendship … how do you move on from that and be OK? (I’m glad you are, don’t get me wrong – just curious)
Hi LaR,
just found your post, thanks to Norma.
As I already wrote to CamillaGeorge, there seem to be as many solutions or outcomes to limerence as there are limerents.
I do remember phases of calm and equanimity myself, accepting that „this person is a very special one to me and will always be“, but in hindsight they were temporary.
That’s why I asked Camilla George- the calm phases were those when the LOs and me seemed on one wavelength, and both of us seemed to care in equal measure. When I was sure of LO affection, I was calm. So I wondered if that’s why Camilla can be calm since it seems very reciprocal, or if she still would be at the same peace of mind with her limerence if that wouldn’t be the case. (I‘m secretly hoping for „no, I found a way to be peaceful no matter what“..)
I posted too quickly- wanted to ask if you too think that you can be mostly calm because your LO seems reliably to care for you (and maybe to add, doesn’t have any SO-prospects)?
Mila,
Yes, I think LO’s consistency and social adeptness are a big part of why I can feel equanamity. It takes two to make these things work. I could have been in much more of a pickle if my glimmer had landed on a less consistent sort of person.
Like many limerents whose stories I have read, I used to analyse every action and interaction, fearing that I could do something to drive her away. By her consistently showing me that won’t happen, I no longer even think it might happen or waste my thought on it. That has eliminated a lot of the uncertainty that was fuelling it.
The part about her not having an SO is harder to call. I think it could be tough if she got one, depending who he was and how it changed her. The fact she doesn’t get one is not down to lack of prospects, but to a combination of lack of confidence (in that aspect of her life), and pickiness. I think the arrival of an SO would be the biggest litmus test for me and her as friends.
I also think our frequent availability to the other helps keeps it on a more even keel. The other big test would be if we no longer worked together – a bit like you and LO3.
I recognise that some of what I’m saying is the reason I can’t put the LE firmly in the past. There are pros and cons to both ways. You are over the LE, but at the cost of the friendship you want (which does sadden me, as I held hopes for you there too). I have the friendship I want, but don’t yet see a way to kill limerence-lite for her while I don’t do more to distance from the friendship.
And around we go again … 🐌
LaR,
I seem to miss your posts, found it now.
„ I recognise that some of what I’m saying is the reason I can’t put the LE firmly in the past. There are pros and cons to both ways. You are over the LE, but at the cost of the friendship you want (which does sadden me, as I held hopes for you there too). I have the friendship I want, but don’t yet see a way to kill limerence-lite for her while I don’t do more to distance from the friendship.
And around we go again …“
Well, maybe time and circumstances will eat away at your LE lite without the need of you forcing yourself to a distance you don’t really want. You just have to be awake and aware. It could be that in times when you will be shaken in your self confidence or something being a bit sour in your marriage, you might automatically turn to this easy fountain of validation again? Font? You know what I mean😂
Me, I feel like there was a part of me I had no conscious control over, that has decided that distance is what I need and that LO is to be avoided. It’s like there is a ban that I haven’t laid consciously, but that is fully working.
I‘m still not sure if it’s a wise part or a resentful part of me. But I got to the point where I accept this inner decision of mine. Maybe it’s an emergency mechanism.
And, as I said before, you cannot really compare the outcome of your and my LE because our LOs are quite different.
I‘m still sure that XLO and I will stay friends, it just won’t be a very deep or nourishing friendship, I guess. I still hope I’ll get back to an easygoing warm but not deep contact with no negative side feelings.
It just doesn’t seem possible for me at the moment, and maybe I’ll manage it after a longish phase of LC, maybe not, and both is ok for me.
If any of it isn’t ok for him, he could always talk to me about it, which he won’t;) so that’s that.
I think as long as you stay conscious of the necessity not to depend on LO validation or existence in your life, together with time and maybe an SO in her life or other changing events, you could manage the unthinkable and stay good friends. I think you are self-reflective enough to recognize danger and pull the brake if that’s not the case.
Hi Mila,
I’m replying to this one quickly so maybe you’ll see it quickly!
Thanks 🙂 Here’s hoping!
Do you think that emergency mechanism of yours is kind of there because of ‘burned in’ LwL wisdom about the need for LC to end an LE?
And either ‘font’ or ‘fountain’ work in that expression. Usually ‘font’ is used in “font of all knowledge”.
Hi LaR,
no, I’m (unfortunately?) resistant against NC and LC recommendations from LwL. This is something I just feel- that contact leaves me feeling mean or a bit exhausted, in no way happy or relaxed, and that I feel a need for distance.
This friendship isn’t a font of any good feelings at the moment, so to say.;)and because I think he feels my coolness, it’s probably best for both of us.
To Mila:
Thank you for your question. I am finding that there is not much to enjoy, really. It’s true that LO is a fascinating person, and I like his company, but the downsides make it too unpleasant overall.
I am glad the limerence has faded somewhat, and am looking forward to more fading. LO is more trouble than he’s worth.
I am hoping that I will be able to live with it, yes. A mild common-or-garden crush would be just fine. Right now, that’s what it feels like, having not seen him as much recently and being focussed on other things. But I’m aware that it’s only recently that I spent about an hour in his company and had a setback that lasted a few days. So I can’t rest on my laurels otherwise it’ll be a “I’m totally over this, let’s get coffee!” moment.
I realise that Dr L warns against trying to be friends with LO, especially for us married limerents. I expect he would call it playing with fire. I am keeping this in mind and approaching the situation with caution. In any case, I can’t completely avoid LO, so I don’t really have much choice.
Answering your question Mila: ’Be able to live with Limerence’…. It is something that has integrated into my daily life. The intensity and obsessiveness of active and painful rumination (relentless wearing and tearing of the mind as I call it) is however mostly gone, LO lives in my mind and thoughts but more like a steady quiet presence than an ’irritating mind parasite that highjacked and upset my status quo and that I tried to quiet down, evict, and even understand in order for it to go away-kill it with logic and reason-didn’t work…… going NC made it worse. ’Equanimity’ is possibly the best description of where I am at now. Part of the journey has involved examining a lot of my belief systems and personal quirks, and how and why I react the way I do (mindlessly/instinctive/defensive) instead of asking ’why’ or ’Is there another aspect or outcome’. In short a transformative journey, not evil at all. Maybe we want to think that ’status quo’ in Life is what we should strive for and fight to the death to maintain, instead of considering it to be growth which comes out of pain and reflection and new twists and turns in our Life journeys. My turn to assume now 🙂 . Lastly and most importantly, deep heartfelt thanks to Dr L because all the blogposts I read, all the reprogramming advice and guides, they all ended with an appeal to consider ’purposeful living’, and asking ourselves ’why’ ( see, it is the why again) this happened and what the experience means to us. And be ’brutally honest’ about it (I think Dr L uses softer words to describe it).
„LO lives in my mind and thoughts but more like a steady quiet presence“
I can so relate to this! NC is always suffering although I know the pain would lessen after a while.
In the moment I just accept my feelings and emotions for LO and let them „flow“. I try to live in inner peace with me, no pressure, no disappointment for staying stuck with this man.
Accepting the “steady quiet presence” and recognizing the whole thing as a well-documented phenomenon many people are going through… plus mining the whole thing for a few last pieces of art… is pretty much what my healing from the long-standing LE has looked like. I appreciate this comment very much.
So after a few years away from this site, as I had finally managed to free myself (thanks to your guidance) I’m back.
New LO.
I left the job where I worked with LO1. Spent 6 years working a different job and at the same time, went to Uni and trained for a different career. I’m now one year in to this new role, and a colleague who joined at a similar time as me now seems to have become LO2. 🤦🏼♀️
The good news, is because he is gay,
(has been with his husband almost 30 years) there’s no sexual element to it.
Every other part of the person addiction – that’s there!!
We have similar working patterns, and one weekend a month we often spend a lot of time in the office together. My new job involves a lot more emotional situations than my previous job, so we seem to support each other a lot.
Now to work on purposeful living again…
To Sophie:
This is so interesting to hear, because I have been dealing with my own gay LO for almost three years.
But for me, there IS a strong sexual element. Obviously one-sided.
As I get to know him better and better, his personality is really starting to turn me off. But the sexual attraction is very strong.
I am way past menopause and I can’t believe I am dealing with such foolishness.
Attraction to gay men is very common for me, too. But then, there was also the straight woman, and now there’s someone older and married… so the inaccessibility is apparently a huge turn-on. Meanwhile any stable loving relationship feels mostly platonic, without that primal sexual component.
P.S. Part of it is my having a thing for imagined transformations. Picturing what it would like if I was their only exception, and the process of them
realizing it and succumbing to it. (I don’t act on this stuff, I’m just very good at vivid fantasy, and real relationships seem to pale next to these fantasies.)
I have wondered about the “exception” stuff myself.
LO used to have a girlfriend and came within a hair’s breadth of getting married many years ago.
I have wondered if he’s bi-sexual enough to ever be interested in a woman again.
Hi! Been lurking here on and off, finally feel compelled to declare myself 🙂 I so appreciate that this place exists.
Am 43 (but much younger in my mind!) and have been limerent on and off since, oh… first grade? My longest is (well, mostly “was” at this point) a 25-year, on-and-off, breadcrumbed kind of thing, and one would think I’d be tired, but I just stumbled on a new, unexpected one that hasn’t quite crystallized yet…
The hardest part for me is how terrible alive each one makes me feel! Also, I am a musician, and I gotta tell ya, the art that flies forth feverishly from me based on this stuff is nuts…
Hi AlxD, welcome
I have not had multiple LEs myself, still getting out of my one.
You say it’s not crystallized yet. What is your plan to ensure you can avoid that from happening assuming you want it to not happen(?) if from your experience, that crystallization will cause you pain afterwards ?
You don’t need to answer, but I was myself reflecting on exactly when I should have “cut it” with my LO developing friendship, which would have prevented the spiral into limerence. I know exactly the moment ( in hindsight) !
I also get it that the highs are a fuel for your creativity, and that you don’t want to cut out the source of those highs.
Thanks for the welcome! I am just trying to be as inactive as possible this time around. Not going out of my way to initiate any kind of contact, outside the most casual sort of conversation at events and things (and circumstances are such that my partner is usually there as well). Hoping a passive approach will keep things at a manageable level until some moment in the near future when I get some flash of knowledge or witness some unflattering moment that ruins the fantasy.
Sorry – this was intended as a reply to Imho
It occurs to me that I wish I could just sit with this, enjoy it, and be content to leave it where it is.
It makes me feel invigorated, and younger. I get the reminder that there are still people out there that press certain of my buttons, that I haven’t aged out of it, that I’m not numb and dried up. W/regard to LOs, I tend to be surprised by who they end up being, which keeps life exciting. It’s how I learned I was bi, and now how I’m learning I’m not as close-minded with regard to age as I had thought.
My current glimmer is on the radio (as am I, sometimes). His voice and his playlists are comforting. Why can’t I just stop at soaking up the pleasure of that, and not start YEARNING for something nondescript and impossible to feed my stupid ego? Sigh.
You adopted my shorthand version of your username 😀! I hope you didn’t mind.
“it occurs to me that I wish I could just sit with this, enjoy it, and be content to leave it where it is”
I am sure many of us wish this, and we could just turn off our internal drivers that pursue for more!
I think it is possible to harness the energy into generating more of that excitment and thrills for oneself and in one’s your marriage/existing relationship or other friendships. To use it as inspiration and don’t be trapped into only be ignited by that one person.
Of course the reality to actually do that is the challenge for us inherently limerent types. Being realistic is key I guess. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t.
I hope you don’t head into the dark stages of limerence and you can at least use your experience to avoid that.
Thanks! And no I didn’t mind. It’s easier to look at, and I’m new here so no habits have yet been deeply established! 😄
I am also feeling like this new spark might be the next logical step in my thoroughly leaving behind the very long pathetic LE that started when I was essentially still a kid. Exorcising that one was a drawn out, multi-phase process, for a number of reasons – up till a couple years ago even the no-contact stretches were buzzing with energy to me because of prior experiences of intoxicating uncertainty with the person. ‘23-‘24 I finally got enough confirmation that our values had completely (and disgustingly) diverged and I was never that important to the person, which made me feel just gross enough – and even then there were deeply ingrained mental habits to break and childhood nostalgia to kill.
At least my gaze has now fallen on a person whose values and interests seem to align with mine, and while I may be feeling a little wound up and thirsty right now, it is completely internalized and I’m not doing anything to try and get closer.
Hi AlxD,
Thanks for sharing. It seems like you have been on quite a journey.
I also get how the NC stretches were still buzzing for you.
My view is that it is very individual how NC works. For some it’s quick perfect cure, others it just embeds the fantasy stick in time.
It’s probably dependent on what you do to fill your time to replace the buzz of NC, and if these things really fill the gap or not.
And you are implying your new LO is helping you to get rid of any hangover from the longstanding one since you were young. Very interesting and logical.
I do wonder how much we focus onto these LOs for their traits that may counter negative things/ relationships in our lives and the invigoration that inspires.
Welcome again.
*stuck in time
I’m so tired!
” I get the reminder that there are still people out there that press certain of my buttons, that I haven’t aged out of it, that I’m not numb and dried up.”
That’s why I still say that the best description of limerence is “person addiction”. And as a person that has/is battled/battling addictions I can whole heartedly agree. I glance, a smile, a flutter of her eyes hit be harder than a straight shot of everclear on an empty stomach. Punch drunk in an instant.
But just like the buzz of alcohol wears off and it’s time to face reality so it is with LOs. Then the rotten sense of uncertainty and rumination set in, as is worse than the worse hangover I have ever endured. Ahhh addictions, you give us a sense of excitement and wonder while you simultaneously kill us.
I definitely respect others’ experiences and opinions, but I have definitely experienced MY limerence as addiction. And I have to reach a certain degree of humiliation (or at least be aware that any further involvement on my part would surely lead to such humiliation) in order to stop experiencing the LE as a net positive and actually *want* to get better.
AlxD,
“I definitely respect others’ experiences and opinions, but I have definitely experienced MY limerence as addiction. ”
My limerence is the same. I think it’s an addiction. Because the one time I actually got the LO (we were in a serious relationship), the limerent feelings died and, to a large extent, so did my interest in him. Which is actually a horrible thing to have to admit — that I was using him for the high. Of course, all of this is hindsight. I didn’t understand it at the time.
“And I have to reach a certain degree of humiliation (or at least be aware that any further involvement on my part would surely lead to such humiliation) in order to stop experiencing the LE as a net positive and actually *want* to get better.”
I agree with you here, too, although I don’t so much humiliate myself but just get fed up. With the LO, with myself, with the situation. I think on some level, recovery is a conscious decision, particularly if NC is killing the limerence.
correction: particularly if NC ISN’T killing the limerence
Hello everyone. Not sure if this is the best thread to post, but I seem to be coming out LE. I no longer have any longing to meet xLO (yep, just started calling her xLO). We crossed paths a couple of times recently, just exchanged pleasantries, and that was it. No crappy feeling afterwards.
I am really working on my relationship with my SO, and this has worked wonders. Its as if making things better with SO automatically helps get over xLO.
I am really feeling better, and starting to enjoy life a lot more, almost to the pre LE levels. Most importantly, I am able to spend quality time with my SO and kids. This gives me immense satisfaction.
From what I can see, my guess is that xLO has also improved her relationship with her SO, so its all good. I’m not thinking too much in that direction, though, for obvious reasons.
I hope this lasts, and I soon am out of LE, for good. Will keep you all updated, of course. Thanks a lot to you all for your advice and support. Have a great holiday season!
Wow, so good to hear this. You really are a role model of patience and never giving up hope to overcome the beast!
All signs are pointing to a very peaceful and happy Christmas time for you and your family, ABCD, you can be so proud.
Many thanks Mila! Yes, looking forward to the best holiday season in the recent past!