Being in denial

A really interesting discussion broke out recently in the Surviving Partner Limerence community, about the phenomenon of denial.

Some limerents flat out refuse to accept that there is any problem with them having a limerent object in their lives while also being married. They seem to consider it reasonable to be emotionally attached to a third party as long as “nothing happens”.

In other cases, the fact that this relationship is upsetting to their spouse is dismissed as the spouse’s problem. “We’re just friends. You’re being unreasonably jealous.”

Another category seems to be a simple denial of the facts. “No, I’m not obsessed. LO means nothing to me. You’re imagining things.”

Now, of course, there are lots of layers to this phenomenon.

It’s true that people have very different attitudes to emotional closeness in friendships and whether that closeness conflicts with the expectations of long-term monogamous relationships.

There’s also the sexual element. Most people would feel very differently about a heterosexual partner sharing intimate feelings with a same-sex friend versus an opposite-sex friend.

It’s the age old “can men and women be friends?” debate.

But, really, I have to admit that I generally assume that denial is willful distortion on the part of a limerent.

The emotional overwhelm of limerence can’t actually be mistaken for close friendship, especially if there is erotic desire bundled in.

Their claims of being misunderstood or of “only being friends” are an addict’s attempt to protect their supply through lies and misdirection. A deliberate denial of reality.

But… I do also hear from some limerents who are infatuated with someone – often an older mentor – that they do not feel sexual desire for. They just desire emotional intimacy. Perhaps it is genuinely difficult to make sense of this longing for closeness if it doesn’t feel the same as the desire the limerent feels for a sexual partner.

So, perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps there are other possible explanations for why the limerent and their partner are seeing things so differently.

Changes in cognition

Limerence is an altered mental state, and that bring with it changes in the way that the brain processes information.

At the most basic level, the euphoria of limerence is so powerful a natural reward that it can become addictive. The LO overshadows all other concerns in life. That means that you care less about the things you used to care about, and more about securing LO contact than anything else.

But, it doesn’t stop there. The hyperarousal of limerence changes our cognitive processing. Our thoughts race, we make new connections between ideas that seem novel and exciting, and the whole world seems more vibrant. Limerents often become more energised and optimistic during the euphoria phase of early limerence.

So, it’s not ridiculous to speculate that maybe there are also changes in the way that limerents process other psychological drives too – like loyalty, duty, fidelity and compassion.

They are so preoccupied by the urgent drive to bond to LO that nothing else has the emotional impact that it used to. It’s like if you placed a delicious cake in front of a starving man and then asked them to ignore it while they explained linear algebra to you.

Even the most dedicated maths teacher would find it very difficult to concentrate.

But, to extend the analogy, would that mathematician deny they were hungry? Or forcefully assert that they didn’t want to eat the cake?

Impaired self-awareness

Denial is a recognised phenomenon in addiction research. It manifests as a failure to recognise the severity of the obsession, its negative consequences, or the need for personal change. Denial is linked to treatment avoidance, and also to relapse after treatment is started.

Trying to disentangle the causes of denial is tricky.

It’s partly a psychological defence mechanism (to avoid confronting the problem), partly due to the changes in reward processing due to incentive sensitization, and partly due to other neurological changes.

Addictions do lead to changes in the function of key regions of the brain involved in behavioural monitoring, executive control, and decision making. This can lead to deficits in insight and self-awareness.

In the case of drugs of abuse and alcohol, the neurological changes can include direct damage to the brain, killing neurons that will not recover. In the case of limerence, it’s extremely unlikely that actual physical damage to the brain will occur, but functionally the way the circuits operate can be changed.

What this all adds up to is a state where addicts are not able to make good predictions about the consequences of their actions, rate the severity of the damage that’s occurring, properly understand their motives, or properly rate the importance of competing commitments.

So, denial can reflect genuine deficits in insight and self-awareness, not intentional deception or pure emotional rejection of reality.

What it all means

It seems likely that limerent denial has more complexity to it than simple attempts to avoid admitting the truth, or gaslighting a partner into doubting reality.

But, in my own limerence experience, while those cognitive and emotional changes were certainly noticeable, they didn’t override my perception of reality.

It was more like my executive brain had taken a break from running the show, but it was still there observing and could be prompted into action in extreme situations.

As I put it before: some internal force seemed to be able to sedate my executive brain. It was a kind of warm feeling of agreeable surrender – a strange mood in which I knew I was willing to behave irresponsibly. 

However, I always knew at an intellectual level that I was behaving irresponsibly.

I never struggled to accurately perceive reality.

So, my end for this post is to ask the community here at LwL (especially those in long-term relationships): did you ever go through a period of denial about your limerence?

If so, what did it feel like?

Did you really believe nothing was wrong, or did you always have a sense that your behaviour was irresponsible too?