I’ve been thinking again about what limerence is.
We have a fairly well-established list of common symptoms, and so limerence is most easily defined as “having enough of those symptoms to qualify”. But there are deeper questions that aren’t really captured by that kind of categorisation. Questions such as: is limerence a psychological state that is entered, or a personality trait? Is it abnormal or extraordinary? Are certain people “limerents” or could anyone in principle have a limerent experience under the right (or wrong) set of circumstances? Should limerence be classified as a mental disorder, or is it the way that a significant number of people experience romantic love?
In the spirit of limerence, I’m going to ruminate about these issues. But, you know, out loud.
The Tennov model
The obvious starting point for refining our definition is to go back to the original creation of the term. Dorothy Tennov conceptualised limerence as a form of romantic love that many people experience (especially in the early stages), and she was prompted to name it by the “discovery” of non-limerents. She had implicitly assumed that all people experience infatuation as a feature of romantic love and was surprised to find through conversation with friends that not everyone does. Through a combination of personal interviews, her own clinical practice, and literature review, she formulated the idea of a distinct aspect of the love experience defined by a specific list of symptoms. She viewed limerents as people who had a propensity for a profound depth of infatuation that marginalised all other concerns in life, and non-limerents as people that experienced love without this overwhelming early infatuation.
Tennov has been reasonably criticised for the lack of scientific rigour with which she founded her ideas (and the opaque etymology of the word limerence), although this interview-based approach remains commonplace in the social sciences, and has obvious utility for hypothesis generation. It’s fair to say, however, that the hypothesis that humanity can be sorted into “limerents” and “non-limerents” has never been tested in any meaningful way.
The Wakin-Vo model
More recently, a more systematic definition of limerence has been proposed. Albert Wakin was a colleague of Tennov’s for a short period, and is one of the few investigators who has made a deliberate effort to advance understanding of the condition. He conceptualises limerence as a state of psychological distress, and has described it anecdotally as “a cross between addiction and OCD”. Within the paper in which he and his co-author Duyen Vo present their model, they provide this clarification of how they see limerence and love differing:
In a love relationship, one often experiences initial intense feelings and reactions, and absorption in another person that tend to moderate over time, allowing for a more stable, intimate, trusting, and committed relationship to flourish. However, in limerence, said initial feelings and reactions somehow fail to subside, becoming increasingly intense, pervasive, and disruptive, ultimately rendering difficulty in controlling one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Wakin therefore criticises Tennov for equating love and limerence. Although not stated, there seems in this view an implicit suggestion that “intense feelings and reactions, and absorption in another person” is a universal experience for people falling in love – and that it is only the intensity that varies between individuals. I may be reading too much into this, but it seems to imply that people fall on a spectrum of infatuation intensity, with limerents being at the extreme end, and defined as those that experience Wakin’s “initiating force” of an intense need for emotional reciprocation.
The progression of limerent feelings
I’m not sure these models are necessarily incompatible. Tennov classifies limerents as people who have a propensity for a particular kind of romantic love. Wakin defines limerents as people who have fallen into a state of psychological distress as a consequence of dysregulated infatuation. To try and rationalise this, I’ve organised the progression of limerence into a flow chart:
The key thing for me is that the emotional and psychological experience of limerence is the same, up until the point at which reciprocation is actively sought. If the infatuation is reciprocated, then… hallelujah. If the feelings are emphatically not reciprocated, then a period of personal agony is inevitable. In both these scenarios, however, the intense feelings of infatuation fade with time (with the speed varying notably between individuals). In contrast, if reciprocation is uncertain, then the emotional limbo of not knowing how LO feels drives the limerent into an intermittent reinforcement schedule that deepens the infatuation into full blown person addiction.
In this framework, the Tennov model is the whole diagram. Limerents are the subset of people in the world who can enter the funnel at the top. The Wakin-Vo model is the red pathway. Limerents are the subset of people who end up in the trap of emotional limbo and reinforcing psychological distress.
The existence of good limerence
For me, my first trip down the red path was the time I realised I was a limerent. It’s just that all my previous limerence experiences had followed the green or black paths – but the progression of the emotional phenomenon felt identical up until that point. As I’ve said before, my wife and I were mutually limerent and it was amazing – the most exhilarating and euphoric experience of my life. The fact that a repeat episode years later when it wasn’t welcome went wrong, is not an indication that the phenomenon itself is a mental disorder.
The Wakin-Vo model identifies the people who need psychological support, but the Tennov model suggests something intrinsic about the way that people differ in their experience of romantic love. The reason that mithering about these definitions is important in my view is that it shapes how we respond to limerents in distress. If limerence is a psychological disorder by definition then it misses the possibility that there is a common psychological substrate for good and bad (red and green) limerence. That said, the broader definition misses the possibility that some people may have a propensity to take the red path. When the drive to pair bond consistently fails to properly establish that bond, things go wrong. That failure could come from a flaky LO who is inconsistent or unreliable, but it could also come from the limerent having an attachment disorder meaning the bond never stabilises, or they never feel secure enough in the reciprocation, so uncertainty is a constant feature of their relationships regardless of LO’s behaviour.
Overall, I prefer the Tennov model, but we certainly need more evidence as to whether the limerent/non-limerent binary is meaningful. Whether limerents are suffering a mental illness, or whether it is an inherent feature of their personality, will surely colour what the appropriate response to distress should be: treat the limerence, or treat the circumstances that have steered it onto the red path.
Well, I guess that’s what I think about that. More research needed.
I love a good flowchart Dr L and yours makes a lot of sense to me. My two LEs were 20 years apart, so I’m no serial limerent, but I’ve been trying to figure out what these two women have in common that made me go crazy. Other women haven’t made me like this, including my SO, longtime ex girlfriend and a variety of office “crushes”.
The answer then is the uncertainty. Both LOs gave me enough signs of having feelings for me, but there were barriers to reciprocation. LO1 met someone else but still professed love for me on the occasional drunken evening and with LO2 it was me that was taken, so neither of us could realistically say how we felt, and so it was all hints, lingering looks and texting.
Yes, all that latent unfulfilled possibility behind an emotional dam. It’s lethal.
I wonder if it might be useful here to differentiate between unrequited love and unconsummated love. How does the situation of limerence that is fully reciprocated and yet thwarted by circumstance—typically one or both partner’s marriage to someone else—get treated in your model? This happens a lot, I suspect. Certainly, in most of world literature’s great love stories, there exists the predicament of star-crossed love that ends not only in psychological distress, but almost always in tragedy. Most romantic comedies even are premised on some misunderstanding that keeps the would-be lovers from uniting for most of the storyline.
Is there some connection between story-telling and limerence? People love stories; story-telling is part of what makes us human. And I believe a lot of limerence is about some story we can’t stop telling ourselves (DrL actually has a great blog entry on this). It’s hard to concoct a compelling story without there being some obstacle to overcome.
How does this relate to the model here? In the black path, there’s no destination (ie, no chance of reciprocated love) and so there can be no obstacle. (Limerence never really blossoms.) In the green path, there’s no obstacle and so there’s no compelling story. (Limerence fades.) In the red path…we have a hoped-for destination, plus the obstacle (say, fear of rejection, which leads to no disclosure and hence ongoing uncertainty) and therefore a story that can go on and on in your head. (Limerence flourishes.)
Has anyone else noticed that some people are more “into” stories than others? Either they tell good stories or they truly appreciate them. And others, not so much. I’m wondering if there’s a possible connection between being really into stories and being limerent? If there is a connection, that makes me think limerence is more a personality trait than a psychological state. Of course, probably it’s a little of both. For example, I might suggest that, while all limerents traveling along these paths are exhibiting limerence as a personality trait, only those headed down the red path are exhibiting a [hopefully, temporary] psychological disorder.
My proposed fourth pathway for DrL’s model is…well.. the stuff of great literature. The red pathway is the stuff of…pop cultural psycho-thrillers. Just a thought—albeit a long, ruminative one…
“I’m wondering if there’s a possible connection between being really into stories and being limerent”
Sure, could be but as I’m a very good storyteller and voracious reader of many genres, including folktales, so I doubt it’s as neat a fit as you wish it to be.
Question for Lee as resident non-limerent friend of the blog 🙂
Have you experienced any of the symptoms of “good limerence” early in a relationship? i.e. Feelings of wild euphoria, complete infatuation with another person to the exclusion of all other concerns, being energised by their company, etc. Or has your experience been less… OTT?
Wild euphoria – no.
Complete infatuation to the exclusion of all other concerns – no (I didn’t want to get fired, get evicted, starve my pets, alienate my friends and family, etc.)
Being energized by their company – yes.
Thanks, Lee. That does align with my thinking – I’ve read a bit about “new relationship energy” which seems to have some overlap with limerence, but not the degree of “total mental capture” that limerence involves.
You’re welcome, Dr. L.
Lee said: “Complete infatuation to the exclusion of all other concerns – no (I didn’t want to get fired, get evicted, starve my pets, alienate my friends and family, etc.)”
I didn’t “want to” do any of these things either. This was a first-time euphoria for me, I didn’t know that a person could feel this way. And I didn’t know what was happening or how to deal with it.
Dr. L, I remember finding the term “new relationship energy” (NRE) prior to learning about limerence. It absolutely fit for me. At least until the crash and burn.
Thinker – my reply to Dr. L. wasn’t about others, it was about me. Nor was it a condemnation of or comment about anyone reading or replying on this site.
My point is that when I felt myself drifting a bit, I was able to use the thought of living in my car, without health insurance, to refocus my attention to my job. I was single, so I didn’t have the additional worries about dissolving a household, paying attorneys and enduring shared custody to clear the cobwebs from my mind, as so many here do. Nor did I have the security of someone else contributing to the household (time or finances) to fall back upon if I were to screw up badly enough to lose my job.
It may or may not work for others. Plus I’m non-limerent (apparently). I had my great big overwhelming crushes as an adolescent, when someone else was responsible for my room, board, insurance, etc. I haven’t had that same level of giddiness since my late teens, maybe early 20’s (college).
Limerence may or may not be like an overwhelming crush, but the analogy may work to introduce the concept to others. Almost everyone had one or more in their past so it’s common ground.
“My point is that when I felt myself drifting a bit, I was able to use the thought of living in my car, without health insurance, to refocus my attention to my job.”
For me, things felt “safe” for a few years as everything between LO and I were confined to work. Almost nothing outside of work, and no e-communication. The trigger of her leaving immediately ignited the limerence. I hope that moving forward, I am now armed with insight that will prevent me from drifting too far, knowing what it may lead to. The early relationship and closeness WAS the issue, even though things seemed “safe”.
I’d say that the “exclusion of other concerns” during euphoria for me was more like “scraping by with minimal effort” as opposed to living with focus that had previously existed.
I imagine that was very frustrating for you at times.
LO #4 told me that my stories had two of her favorite things, imagery and snark.
I would say that in the flowchart “unrequited limerence” would be the black path, and “unconsummated limerence” would be the red path.
It’s incomplete, of course, because I do think there is a difference between uncertainty (e.g. a LO sending mixed signals) and barriers (both parties are besotted, but not available). But, those seem different flavours of the red path.
Re. stories – yes I think some people can be as “in love” with Romance as they are “in love” with LO. Both have elements of projecting internal feelings onto other people (as props).
> because I do think there is a difference between uncertainty (e.g. a LO sending mixed signals) and barriers (both parties are besotted, but not available)
Could you elaborate on that difference (either here or in a future blog post)? I only ever experienced limerence with neither uncertainty and barriers or both.
Btw, first time comment here. Really appreciate this blog, I’ve learned so much reading your posts!
Welcome map.make87, and thanks for the comment.
Yes, I think that would make a good blog topic. Watch this space!
I went down the red path immediately to the end once my LO said she was leaving the office. In hindsight, I can see that it was due to me no longer being able to get my regular fix (in a “safe” way). How was I to make that happen going forward? There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done to get me out of that deep psychological distress.
You say that having barriers also leads one down the red path. We were both married with kids. When LO and I disclosed resulting in an EA, I would say that we entered the “ecstatic union” phase combined with emotional limbo. I was fine with the uncertainty for the months when all of the hormones were going full steam in my fantasy-like world. But I was in some psychological distress at the same time with everything else in my life, as those very important items had become secondary.
When LO cooled things off, that’s when the psychological distress re-emerged at a maximum level and persisted in all aspects of my life. During the following months, I needed help. Badly. But it took a couple of months to admit that to myself. I’ve been through bad times before and made it through…why was this any different? WRONG. I felt trapped in that there was nowhere to go, no way to keep things private, no way to disclose to SO.
No Contact was another type of pain, but necessary. I’ve had regular interactions with LO for the past 3 months and feelings are fading as of late, but still exist. I am afraid to speak of any improvement, as I know I need to keep my guard up.
“[F]eelings are fading as of late, but still exist. I am afraid to speak of any improvement, as I know I need to keep my guard up.”
Similar experience for me. Mutual limerence and disclosure led to an intense EA. But not exactly the red path because we both KNEW the barriers were insurmountable. There was no Uncertainty, which makes it not quite the red path, to my mind, but…something else, not quite sure what exactly. (I guess I would still argue for non-consummated affairs as being a sub-branch of the green path—except it would be coded red in that it leads to a different kind of unresolved limerence angst. )
It’s been just over a year now since my short-lived EA began, and this season of “anniversaries” has been painful. Plus, she works with my wife and so she’s still sort of in my life. I’ve definitely needed [professional] help and I’ve gotten that. But what’s mostly helped is that I’ve stuck religiously to No Contact for the past 4 months. I think finally (finally!) the feelings are beginning to fade. I’m thrilled about that and yet… it’s a little depressing because I so miss the highs. And I feel strongly that this was my last limerent hurrah. Which I suppose I’ll feel relieved about eventually, but not there yet.
But here’s to keeping your guard up!
How about the desire to finish any story you start?
I get caught watching some crappy movie by accident because I’ve started it.
Hi, thanks for this post.
My perception of limerence is probably a but more like the Wakin-Vo model; I think all people have the potential to be limerent, but some have extreme triggers that won’t be fulfilled by anyone they ever meet, thus rendering them ostensibly ‘non-limerent’. It obviously has some parallels to Tennov’s model, in saying that all people are limerents, but I am saying that everyone falls on a spectrum; not how limerent they are, but what triggers their limerence. To put it simply, that is my take on limerence.
In relation to my own situation, I would be taking the flowchart’s red path. My LO is showing signs of both reciprocation and malreciprocation (if that’s even a word), leading me to psychological thoughts. My depression is actually making my thoughts more intrusive, I’ve found: Friday was terrible for me, and I’ve since had dreams about her two nights in a row (I normally don’t have any). This is now day #263 of my LE.
As a side note, I am grateful for this site; it helps me see my situation from an objective point of view when I’m away from LO. However, since I had a bad day on Friday and the last few posts have all been on Saturdays each week, I was expecting a post yesterday but there was one today instead. It’s not a problem, but this may have had an impact on my thoughts yesterday and the fact I had a dream about her last night.
Thanks for everything though!
Sorry to hear you had a bad Friday AnonLim. Posts go up when I can manage it around the day job – so usually weekends, but not always predictable.
I’ve been down all three.
LOs #1 & #2 were the green path. LO #3 was the black path and LO #4 was the red path. The most notable difference between LOs #1-#3 and LO #4 was my availability. In the first 3 LE’s I was available. In the last LE, I wasn’t available.
This is a really helpful post . Somehow just having the flowchart makes everything clearer and more manageable, it implies there is way through and out – rather than the inchoate mess that limerence has made of my brain and emotions. The discussion is insteresting too, Lee ‘s perspective is so different from mine. I must make ‘There’s nothing going on but the rent ‘ my theme tune. At my worst I left a job, actually a career, at short notice with no job to go because of limerence. I felt so overwhelmed with anxiety, desperation and pain at the inconsistency of my LO, despite feeling that I was on cloud nine when he paid positive attention to me. Fortunately I found temping work but I don’t regret it because the NC saved my sanity. Friends think I was mad, well, yes, I was….
Oh Nina! Big hugs – I really hope you can find a way to balance it out.
Huge hugs Nina! I really do know how you feel as I’ve done the same. Hope you manage to find a permanent job (if that’s what you’re looking for) and above all, some peace and clarity.
My LO leaving the office triggered my initial bout of limerence. So when she actually left, I was so devastated and missed seeing her there every day. After mutual disclosure and an ensuing EA, at the end of the EA she made some decisions in her life that cooled things off and sent me spiraling into disastrous limerence again. Then she came back to work part-time, all the while unsure of her path but forcing me to play a part in her life. I had no idea what to do as I too “felt so overwhelmed with anxiety, desperation and pain at the inconsistency of my LO, despite feeling that I was on cloud nine when (s)he paid positive attention to me.” I got better at managing my limerence, but it was always a temporary repair. When she left the office again, there was action by her that enabled me to make the move to No Contact, which was a different sort of awful but so necessary. That was also around the time I discovered this site.
I felt so helpless having LO at the office while I was embroiled in despair. I could only try to seek out my fix, knowing I would always eventually crash hard. Leaving my job was not an option for many reasons, but at times it felt like it could eventually come to that. I totally understand how leaving a job and career can be the outcome.
I hope you keep moving forward.
Lee, Sophie and Thinker, thank you all so much. It is so wonderful to have a forum full of people who know what limerence is. Lee you go above and beyond in you understanding, Sophie, how are doing now? And Thinker, I so sympathise with your situation.
We got your six!
A little late but if I can sprinkle this conversation with my own totally baseless speculation, I’d guess that regardless of whether you can theoretically have positive limerence or not, the degree that the red-path limerence cripples someone’s life and the length of time that it affects them is related to their capacity for emotion generally. I frequently see limerence described with male pronouns and I know men also have been shown to have larger amygdalae relative to head size compared to women on average, so that may not be a coincidence. I also know that people who suffer from bipolar disorder have significantly above-average relative amygdalae sizes. Obviously this is anecdotal but my state of limerence has gone well past the average of 2-3 years, to over 12 years now with no sign of it letting up no matter what I do, and I’ve been diagnosed bipolar (may also be worth noting that the antipsychotics I sometimes take for my condition make the limerence go away).
I was never able to forge deep attachments with anyone else after this person and I parted ways, and unfortunately that was at the outset of my adult life, so it’s taken a pronounced toll on my ability to be emotionally available as a wife and mother. I really hope this area of psychology is better researched so those in this state of mind can experience hope of relief and stability that doesn’t have to involve pharmaceuticals. Until then, your blog is great psychoeducation – if I ever meet my LO again I’ll make my best effort to power over the significant feeling of distress to get an unequivocal full rejection or acceptance. Thanks for maintaining this.
Feeling a little down about the whole thing today, so I looked into limerence a but more:
Anyone else find this embarrassingly relatable?
https://hastyreader.com/limerence-passionate-love/
There’s also a quiz, if you didn’t know whether you were limerent already. 🙂