I’ve always taken the view that limerence is both a good and bad thing. If you are mutually limerent for someone who is free to reciprocate, then life is blissful. But that doesn’t happen very often.
More commonly, there is an asymmetry – one or other of you is not limerent, or not single, or there is a barrier of some sort that prevents the free expression of your feelings – and under those conditions, limerence can turn sour.
This most commonly seems to happen when the pent-up limerent energy has nowhere to go. If uncertainty is high, the constant internal churn of thwarted desire can curdle into resentment. Elation turns to anger. Instead of pleasant daydream fantasies, rumination becomes more bitter, and the limerent becomes preoccupied with a desire to force LO to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused.
Anecdotally, this seems a particular risk if the LO has shown some interest but then gone cold. Perhaps they started out as an enthusiastic participant in the limerence-reinforcing dance of gossiping, flirting, and oversharing, but then pulled back and shut down, leaving you confused and embarrassed. This may be because they are a narcissistic LO, or because they regret their indiscretions, or perhaps they really didn’t mean to provoke romantic hope. Regardless of the root cause, the apparently sudden change from receptive to hostile can really do a number on the limerent’s psyche.
That sort of volte face from an LO is undoubtedly destabilising, and feeds the uncertainty that worsens limerence, but responding by giving in to resentment is a big mistake, and a major barrier to recovery.
So let’s deconstruct why resentment is a bad idea and what can be done to overcome it.
It robs you of agency
Giving in to resentment means allowing someone else’s behaviour to determine your mood. You may feel you have no choice in this – you can’t control what they do and how it makes you feel – but that ignores the fact that you can choose how to engage with the situation. Your LO may have led you on, they may have lied to you, they may have played you for a fool, they may have manipulated you to get you hooked. Now you want some payback.
So… you put your life on hold for them again? Instead of romantic obsession, you switch to a dark obsession. You give them more power over you to determine your mood and life. You start making mistakes in the heat of emotion that they can use against you – accusing you of harassment or bullying or misconduct. They stay central to your life and continue to make you dance like a puppet.
If you’re thinking “it’s not fair, they have all the power,” bear in mind that’s because you gave it to them.
It risks your integrity
Even worse than the simple disempowerment, resentment can push people to some pretty dark places. I was interviewed a while ago about limerence, and the producers of the show were fixated on the negative: stalking, harassing, delusion, obsession. Obviously, only a tiny fraction of limerents end up that deeply disordered, but it is the end of a road that starts with blaming LO for the limerent’s own feelings.
“They hurt me so I’ll hurt them back” is a pretty toxic thought. It can lead you to do things that compromise your integrity out of misplaced indignation and the belief that it’s OK to punish LO for their bad behaviour. Escalating revenge is a spiral you don’t want to get caught up in.
It stems from entitlement
This seems an inflammatory way to frame the issue, but resentment generally comes from a sense of entitlement. If you are angry that you have been mistreated, that means you felt entitled to a certain level of consideration from your LO and that you are not getting it. If LO previously responded to your texts within a few minutes, leaving you hanging for a few days seems rude. If you had established a habit of flirty banter, and they then shut you down, you feel humiliated, and upset that they have apparently changed the rules unfairly. And that they are being hypocritical and dishonest for suddenly deciding it’s not OK.
The problem here is that unless the communication between you and LO was very good, you are making a whole lot of assumptions. You think there was some tacit agreement between you that’s been broken, but they may see it entirely differently.
Healthy friendships are built on mutual good will, so it’s not unreasonable to feel hurt by inconsiderate behaviour, but it is unreasonable to feel that your friends are obligated to you. If a friend lets you down, it’s disappointing for sure, but you’re not entitled to some sort of emotional compensation. If you are in a friendship with someone who repeatedly takes more than they give, the purposeful thing to do is to stop giving so much and re-evaluate the friendship. Not get angry and seek reparation – or retribution.
This way of looking at things often reveals another double-standard. Limerents frequently feel entitled to more from their LO than they do from their other friends. They take it as more of a personal insult if LO is inconsiderate, and get angrier and more resentful than they would if a friend that they weren’t infatuated with behaved in the same way.
The strength of your feelings for them does not determine the strength of the commitment you can expect from them.
How to break out of the resentment trap
Step one is to acknowledge the problem. Step two is to use the resentment for your own purposes. Step three is to let go of unrealistic expectations.
We’re none of us paragons, so resentment is a predictable part of limerence turning sour, but using that negative energy to seek payback is a bad idea. It’s much better to channel it into the de-idealisation of LO.
It can be helpful to take those feelings of anger and frustration and use them to realise that LO isn’t this hugely desirable person. Recognise that the sick feelings of resentment are coming from your decision to stay connected to them. Recognise that if you continue to indulge the obsession, those gross feelings are going to carry on. By choosing to continue a relationship with LO you are inviting in these awful feelings. You can use that to teach yourself that being around LO makes you feel bad.
The solution, of course, is to stop being around LO. Liberation from your LO means liberation from those bitter thoughts and feelings. It’s the classic message of recovery: don’t look to them to save you, just go ahead and save yourself.
They don’t owe you anything, you haven’t been cheated, you’ve made the decision to try and wrestle the situation into one in which they behave in the way that you want. That way lies madness.
Reorient yourself and stride off towards freedom.
How long did your limerence hold on after going into NC or how long did it at least take to get a little bit better? I am curious about your process/progress and your experiences, so please share it with me! 🙂
26 months exactly, with a lot of stop-and-start cycles and an immense amount of therapy, study, and work to be honest with myself and get to know myself better and take full responsibility for my feelings and my life. Now I see my experience with LO more objectively as a prolonged awkward flirtation that clearly is not going to go anywhere. And I have deeply taught myself that being around LO makes me feel bad: whether it’s going ‘well’ or not, there’s a range of different ways to feel bad and none of it feels good. So, enough already. Freedom!
I have been through 6 LE’s in my life, with the first four occurring before my high school graduation (and my first being in first grade!), my fifth being with a co-worker several years ago, and finally, the current one with a woman living in my neighborhood. Until recently, I had no idea what was going on in my mind and in my heart, except that I felt emotionally empty and was the greatest pain I had ever felt. My initial response to all of my LE’s/LO’s was, ‘this emotional experience is so intense and like no other, this person must be the one’ (not realizing until later that this was the message that my brain wanted me to believe). However, through these LE’s, I was living through contradictory experiences. As most of us have attempted to do, as I saw that my ‘dream’ of having my feelings reciprocated by my LO never transpired the way that I envisioned, I then attempted to have the deepest of ‘friendship’ with them (oh yes, the ‘something is better than nothing’ logic). However, this so-called friendship never seemed to meet the expectations that the emotional intensity of the LE would seem to predict. With this realization, I began to wonder if there was much more going on than the picture that my brain was trying to paint. At this point, I knew that a healthy dose of introspection was much needed. So, I set out into the woods for a nice 6-mile walk, and was beyond motivated to make sense of a repeated emotional experience that was anything but sensical. About 3 miles in, it all seemed to come together, and I finally realized that this ‘painting’ of my brain was simply an illusion.
First of all, I want to thank Dr L for creating this platform where all of us can share our experiences with this very illogical and oftentimes excruciating experience. Motivated by all of the pain that I have experienced through so many of my LE’s, I want to share my opinions on what perhaps is really going on here, and most importantly, allowing this knowledge to be a key to finally finding your freedom from limerence once and for all. Perhaps many of you will relate to my observations, and perhaps many of you will not. But if anything, hopefully this gets you even one step closer to self-enlightenment, self-empowerment, and ultimately, one step closer to your purposeful life.
My first perplexing question originated from the reality that these supposed ‘friendships’ with my LO’s did not match the quality that the emotional intensity of my LE’s would predict. If the LO in terms of a ‘friend’ was not all that special, what exactly was it about the LE that seemed so special? And why was what I was experiencing in my LE seem so special and spectacular? With some thought, the answer seems to have originated from my childhood. I realized that I have been missing something extraordinarily important that my child brain never felt it received, and most importantly, that I did not, nor ever, have given myself to much of a degree: feelings of love and emotional validation. Then I thought to myself, how did my child brain ever pick up and believe the message that emotional connectedness was difficult, unnecessarily, or simply, that I was unworthy? Both of my parents split when I was very young, with my father remarrying a woman who would never allow my opinions or emotional experiences to be welcomed…ever. Worse yet, for the sake of avoiding conflict, my father would seemingly always prioritize and side with his new wife over me, at least on the surface. Regarding my mother, she was very busy with many new relationships, and it usually felt like I was simply along for the ride. These relationships included one with an alcoholic, with another being an abuser and a cheater. There was no place for my own emotional well-being. Again, at least as interpreted with my little child brain. We all know how sensitive children can be. If my child brain interpreted my parents’ behaviors towards my emotional well-being as ones that would indicate something of non-importance, what chance did I have of putting importance on and giving myself the love and validation I so desperately needed? I had no chance. As an adult, I know that an absolutely critical component in me finding and leading a healthy and purposeful life is one that includes all-fulfilling love and validation that begins within myself. With this, I realized that throughout my life, I was trying to achieve something (a happy, satisfying life) while at the same time missing the most key component (self-love and validation) in achieving it. And even though I had not taken purposeful steps in finding love and validation within myself, this did not halt my heart’s attempts at finding this feeling elsewhere. After all, we are all human, and need it. We crave it. And if we have never truly received something internally or externally that we so desperately need, even if just in the smallest of doses, it tastes that much better to us. Compare it to when you get hungry…the longer you go without food, the better it will taste when you finally do receive food, even if it’s just a tiny bread crumb. And since I struggled with loving and validating myself, I never felt as if I deserved more than an emotional ‘bread crumb’ anyway. This sounds like a perfect set up for me to act irrational and sometimes downright foolish to obtain any amount of love and validation I could find, and from any source that I could find it at. And that is exactly what I did. It sounds like desperation. It sounds like an addiction.
So there I was, on the lookout for a source of love and validation that was not too healthy, fulfilling, or abundant (that would feel too weird and uncomfortable…I didn’t deserve that, afterall), but was also attractive to me (perhaps somebody that reminded me of relationships in my childhood?). Ah yes, enter: emotionally unavailable LO. As I was desperate to find a source of love and validation, it did not take much for my brain to associate a person with being a source of just that. The requirements in making this association: an emotionally unavailable person that was remotely close to my physical type, and for that person to make any sort of gesture my way, no matter how remote. Perhaps it was just a gaze in my direction, or maybe just a little note left behind telling me hello. That was enough. The glimmer began there, and it felt wonderful. It was intoxicating. I could not get enough. From there, any gesture coming my way from that person was a sign of hope. Hope that I could be loved and validated by someone at some point. And if signs of hope began to drop, the emotional rollercoaster began. The higher the high, the lower the low. The emotional withdrawals would begin, and I would do and say anything to provoke them into giving me more of the ‘drug’ that I was so desperate for. As this cycle continued, the highs did not seem so high anymore, as it seemed my heart was growing some level of tolerance to the supposed love and validation I had convinced myself I was obtaining from my LO. Therefore, I knew that for me to achieve the same ‘high’ that I had grown accustomed to, I knew that the gestures from my LO needed to be bigger, better, more spectacular. Or at least, enough to mask the pain caused by the emotional emptiness I felt from me not being able to provide this for myself. Again, it sounds like desperation. It sounds like an addiction.
As I continued experiencing all of the emotional highs and lows that were seemingly controlled by my LO’s decisions in how they would respond to me that day, I finally realized that I had relinquished all control to them. After all, I had no control over how they were going to respond or talk to me. Were they going to initiate conversation today? How long will their texts be this time? Was their response too long? Making the realization that somebody else (my LO) had that much control over my emotional well-being and whether I would fall into emotional withdrawals (simply by extinguishing conversation with you for a day!) was terrifying. I knew that my window to freedom could not be reliant on the uncontrollable (my LO), but instead, the controllable: myself. However, I had also made another realization that created another significant roadblock in me finding freedom outside of just LO’s behaviors: everything reminded me of her!
Once this realization was made, my mind instantly went to the most basic of psychological concepts: associative learning. If not out of just sheer desperation, I knew that my brain had already made one association: my LO = pleasure from feeling loved and validated. In psychological terms, operant conditioning was in play here. In other words, after repeated experiences with my LO, along with the euphoric high that would inevitably come with it, the brain synapse that paired my LO with this sensational feeling (can we say, dopamine ‘hit’?) was exceptionally strong. Due to this association and my craving for this emotional drug, my longing for LO was very high. However, I seemed to also long for anything that reminded me of her. Of course, I would make excuses for why I just had to drive past her neighborhood to get to the store just this one time, or why it was absolutely necessary to buy the same cheese dip that I knew she always bought. As we all know, LO’s typically evoke very obsessive thought patterns, so it certainly does not take long for many places, items, and experiences to remind us of LO! At its height, it felt like there was nothing in this world that would not somehow be associated back to LO. I soon realized that these seemingly innocent associations also gave me a similar dopamine ‘hit’. Do I smell Pavlov’s dogs anyone?
I soon realized that another form of associative learning was in play that was making it more difficult to escape the grips of my LO: classical conditioning. Originating from the works of Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, it was found that if a seemingly neutral stimulus gets paired up with an unconditioned stimulus enough times, the neutral stimulus can begin evoking the same response as the unconditioned response already does. In terms of my cheese dip example from above, eating this particular cheese dip prior to my LO would have obviously evoked no euphoric feelings at all. However, after watching my LO eat this particular cheese dip so many times, I began making a strong association between LO and this particular cheese dip. Now there were two strong associations: 1) LO and feeling of emotional love and validation, and 2) LO and cheese dip. Because of these two close associations, another association began to form: cheese dip and emotional euphoria! After making this realization, feelings of hopelessness began setting in. Afterall, if an almost limitless number of things in my world would remind me of her (and ultimately, cause a secondary emotional ‘hit’), how could I possibly escape the grips of this experience?
Outside of locking myself in a dark room and secluding myself from seemingly all associations (but then, I would still have my thoughts of her…), I knew that my window to freedom had to be found elsewhere. At this point, mile 3 in the woods had just been completed. However, this also marked the point in which something else much bigger had just taken place: discovering a solution to limerence that worked for me, and made practical sense in the context of what was causing limerence in the first place!
The solution has two parts. The first goes back to the originating association. I knew that if I could break the association between LO and feelings of love and validation, then any thoughts, encounters, or any secondary associations of LO would also no longer evoke emotional euphoria. No more emotional euphoria, then no more longing for LO, no more emotional highs and lows, no more emotional withdrawals, and no more hiding from the world! But I knew that it wasn’t as simple as ‘praying away’ this association with LO. Given how our brain synapses and associative learning works, I knew that I needed to create a new association to pair with LO. Yes, an association that was neutral at best, was completely emotionally void, and if anything, possible averse. I knew that this would take some very purposeful effort. After all, when LO reaches out to me in any way (text, phone call, etc), my brain instantly screams at me, ‘a source of emotional euphoria! Do anything and everything to get as much as you can!’. I knew that for this to work, I would have to avoid this urge. I could no longer emoji ‘hearts’, ‘winky faces’, ‘smiley faces’, etc. I could no longer even talk personally about myself. I also knew that I would have to avoid face-to-face encounters or long encounters. The longer the encounter, the stronger the cravings, and I knew that eventually the drug dealer would be invited in. This is inherently like playing with the snake, just asking to get bit. And my brain is a finicky thing…anything could be interpreted as love and validation, depending on how vulnerable I felt at that particular moment. No, I would always have to reference the conversation back to the neutral/averse association of my choice at any cost. If she would bring up a personal topic, I would require myself to create a ‘conversational bridge’ that would link what she brought up to my chosen neutral/averse association. Be relentless, don’t stop. I needed to force my brain to create a new synapse that would link my LO with a new association that would be far from something I was addicted to. Again, something that was emotionally void and anything that my brain would find impossible to link to love and validation. A few examples…school! Work! The weather! Just like anything that is applied to the concept of associative learning, I knew that if I did this long enough, thoughts of her and anything associated with her would begin to automatically be linked to this very new, stale association. And the results are in…it’s working!
But I could not stop there. This was not enough. After all, my status quo never changed: I am still a human being, still in need of love and emotional validation, still overly dependent on external forms of love and validation, and still not turning inward as my primary means in obtaining this need. As Dr L has so eloquently stated time and time again, the best way in finding love and validation within ourselves is through creating a purposeful life for ourselves. I had to realize that all of my decisions up to this point had never led me to achieving this yet, so obtaining this would require drastic, bold changes within myself and in my life. Once and for all, I no longer can settle for acting spontaneously based upon what seems to feel ‘good’ in the moment (seeking the short term ‘high’ from my LO, for example). I know that I have to think and act in more purposeful, deliberate, and intentional ways that will better guide me in loving myself more. For example, I will make a deliberate decision every day to only hold on to positive thoughts about myself and my life, and no longer allow myself to beat myself up simply with my thoughts. And knowing that my thoughts are a significant predictor in how I decide to behave, I will commit to building and sustaining a new daily routine that is based on behavioral acts that support my pre-determined priorities. Living a life that is grounded in consistent, positive, inner-dialogue, and one that is entirely customized to my priorities…to me, this is the very definition of self-love and purposeful living. And I know that once I can finally love and validate myself in a way to which I could never achieve before, my brain and my heart will no longer find the need to act in spontaneous, desperate ways to make me feel like a lovable, worthy person. In other words, out with: acting in spontaneous, unhealthy ways to seek the short-term ‘fix’ (LO’s/LE’s), and in with: acting in more deliberate, healthy ways to seek longer-term self fulfillment (purposeful life).
Life is about the journey, not the destination. Appreciate your new insights, your growth. After all, road to liberation and freedom will require determination and intentionality. So we might as well find the silver lining to this very painful experience, and use this to make ourselves lives bigger and better than ever. That is, a life filled with much healthier, more fulfilling, and authentic relationships. Because you deserve it! Happy travels everyone.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom Harried, Im glad you went on that forest walk! I came to similar conclusions during therapy and self exploration. An emotionally deficient mother led me to poor self esteem and low expectations of being loved. After 18 years with SO, my LE has revealed to me I was inadvertently cultivating a similar relationship with SO. I like your rationale…rather than ‘blame’ SO, aim for self love and self validation
That’s one of the most amazing comments I’ve ever seen here at LWL.
My own LO has recently begun to re-exhibit the behavior that triggered my LE a couple of years ago, and it’s similar to what brought yours on, Harried.
LO has been over-the-top complimentary, relating anecdotes of how her other conversations have been about me and what a wonderful person I am. I crave that kind of validation.
I have my guard up, because, while we have progressed, I don’t want to go back.
I have made several walks trying to figure out why I am limerent. Why I become obsessed with LOs. I perceived this behavior to be normal up until recently when I began to question why I was feeling the way I was. That is when I came across the term limerence which led me to this website.
I can relate to you Harried in that I was emotionally neglected as a child. As an adult I have created coping mechanisms to deal with what is missing in my life perhaps to fill the emptiness from the emotional neglect I experienced growing up. For me limerence is just that – a coping mechanism albeit an abnormal one I have come to realize. The maladaptive daydreaming, fantasizing, longing is what I use to fill the the tank so to speak. In reality it keeps me from really living life. I’m trying to change that. This website helps. Thanks to all.
Seven months of no contact and it still hurts like hell (although things have improved slightly over that time). I sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. I was only ever in my LO’s company once for 2-3 hours, then had a brief exchange on Facebook a month later, but I ended up unfriending her (with an explanation). I MAY have caught a glimpse of her a couple of times over the past few months, but I am not sure if it was her. In spite of hardly knowing her, I miss this woman so badly. I know that sounds so stupid — all for someone who wasn’t even into me (although she did show me basic human decency and kindness and there were a couple of borderline slightly flirty things she said and did to me).
There is no sourness from my LO. She was a perfect lady and did nothing at all to make me dislike her or be angry with her. All she did was be her own wonderful, amazing self and show interest in my brother in-law (who is single, unlike me). I sometimes wonder if this makes my recovery harder? I cannot resent her for anything and I think incredibly highly of her, so I simply can’t use that as fodder for my recovery. If she was mean and nasty towards me it might make things easier. I am, however, a bit annoyed with and resentful towards my brother in-law who squandered this amazing chance to be with such a sweet and adorable lady. Life is so damn unfair! I guess that’s where the sourness comes in for me.
My experience over the last 28 years……
1) I disclosed to LO#1, was kindly rejected and my feelings muted considerably within a few weeks. NC not required, and we remained good friends for the rest of university and a bit beyond.
2) LO#2 was a charming & funny co-worker that I did not trust enough to disclose to. After 1.5 years of LE I changed jobs. It took me about 3-4 months to be free of the LE. I had no desire to ever see him again and never did.
3) LE#3 was another co-worker. Got over that LE when I started a relationship with another co-worker. Turned into 3.5 years of toxic relationship so not a great LE recovery strategy! But it did get rid of my LE immediately. I remained good friends with LE#3 for many years – he even attended my wedding to co-worker LE#4.
4) LE#5 is my boss. Still going strong on that one. 4 months of LC during the pandemic (occasional phone only) has done nothing to change my feelings. But then am not really trying as am happy enough and accepting of it for now.
Well, here’s mine:
LO1, three years. Got rejected fairly soon but I became obsessed in trying to make a relationship happen, so I kept asking for second chances. Ironically, she’s the only LO with whom I keep occasional contact, and no need of NC.
LO2, 5-6 months. After seeing her with her boyfriend, the feelings subsidized in two or three months. No purposeful NC, just real life getting in the way and I haven’t seen her in a couple years or so.
LO3, 5 months aprox. Disclosed, got rejected. 1 month since I stopped messaging her, and I’m still not out of the LE, although there’s some improvements.
10 months and counting!
Well, more specific…
LO1 – 36 months LE total. 14 months into it I found out she was making fun of me behind my back. So the last 22 months of the LE was me refusing to try anymore because I was too hurt. LO1 asked me out 7 years after she crapped on me. By then I had long moved past her and was interested in better pickings. She ended up not getting married until she was 40.
LO2 -38 months LE total. She flamed me when I asked her if she wanted to get coffee. Very nasty and arrogant response, very dismissive and objectifying, like “how dare a peon like you approach someone like me!” It was horribly embarrassing and it ended my limerence within 24 hours. It was a huge wake up call. I realized I had fooled myself into believe this piece of trash had been worth my time. She’s 44 and still not married. But the experience worked in preventing any LEs for 18 years, until…
LO3. The dreaded LO3. 32 months and counting. 10 months since NC (mostly) and it’s still going. I am a grown man and unwillingly got ensnared by LO3 who is 23 years my junior. I knew what was happening and couldn’t stop it. Last week we had talked about how we find our LOs gorgeous when everybody else knew they were average – I shared a pictorial “1 to 10 scale” of men and women so we could rate our LOs. LO3 is a 4. I’ve been told I’m a 9. Today I had a stunningly beautiful young woman give me the interest signs with the hair flips and smiles… and all I can think of is LO3 and her 4/10 looks. This flat-chested, 95-pound 25-year old woman whose nose is at least a half-inch too long with blotchy skin and teeth that would make a horse trainer flinch and no personality somehow locked me into her. Pisses me off!!
Matt, you place a lot of emphasis on women’s age. 40 yo and just got married, 44 yo and still not married. You do understand women are not defined by their marital status anymore? Because if that were true, we men would also be 40 yo never married losers.
You would definitely get bored of her after a week if you were with her. I have same problem;. It is just ego. But 23 yrs is a hard gap to close. What about finding someone you consider more attractive but just 10 yrs younger? I’m sure your limerence for this woman would die out quickly.
@Snowflake, I’m confused – how am I defining them by their marital status? I thought the context was clear – their age and marital status conveyed that other men chose not to become serious with them. I couldn’t see the attitude problems that other guys saw. And they had serious attitude problems.
@Steve, you’re 100% right, and I know you’re right, and I’ve always known what you’re saying is right. But this is limerence. I can’t help the craziness that I feel inside, even though I know cognitively that it could never work..
Matt have you ever met up with LO3 / had sexual encounters with her. Just wondering if meeting a LO makes one even more limerent or if one would get put off when reality hits.
I have a LO situation which I’m trying to get out of as he blows hot and cold, we are due to meet up soon and whilst it’s exciting, I don’t want to feel worse if he blows cold again!
I love your humour by the way? 🤣
My experience of NC hasn’t been successful so far. In the last 5 years I have tried to be NC, but really failed, and the longest it ever lasted was a few months. And this post really resonates, things did go sour for all the reasons Dr L described.
I have never been able to let go of feelings, entitlement even, and now I’m struggling again, like I may give in to another relapse, but really trying best not to.
I am so controlled in most of my life but this LE has been and is still my weakness.
Dr L, I have just begun Day 1 of NC after 2 months of LE with the LO. Was rejected 4 days ago, and today trying to get my brain to accept that feels as though I might perish. Thank you for your wealth of study and insight. I feel I might need rehab or meetings or something. This is terrible.
Hi Chicster, and welcome. Congrats on starting on day 1 of your limerence recovery!
It does feel awful. It sounds from your comment as though you have disclosed to your LO and got a “no”, which definitely sucks but is also what the vast majority of romantic approaches go like. Probably not much consolation, but worth remembering.
We’re a good group for rehab style pep talks and accountability. No meetings as yet (especially given limits on social mixing), but a virtual community at least.
Best wishes. It does get better.
Thank you so much for the reply. Just finished reading the 10 step guide, and it’s a wonderful read. I am already writing a “profile” that matches each and every LO in my past and planning to seek answers for why this profile is so powerful for me. An LO who needs to be rescued resonated with me especially. Thank again, Dr. L!
I did not disclose to the LO but consider his very sudden ghosting a firm “no.” I have just read the June blog post on the subject and would like to comment there?
welcome Chicster, my name is Mia and Im a limerent 🙂
Vent here when things get rough and people will support you and answer your questions.
Hi Mia! Thank you for the welcome. I have a couple of questions to ask the group, but first of all wanted to say, Hi, I’m Chicster and I’m a limerant. I did not make it through day 1 of NC. Today is a new day, and I have just finished removing all LO social media friendship/apps/pictures/messages/contact info and have organized all of the practical apps on my phone into folders with very dull titles. This will hopefully help remind me that my phone is not a sizzling piece of connection to another “hit” but a utilitarian method for managing my life which was badly spinning out of control. Wish me well on another Day 1 please!
By the way, I got the idea for repurposing my phone from the earlier post from Harried about replacing the allure of cheese dip! Thank you!!!
My first, of many many steps, was ( as little as it may sound) changing my phones back round pic. That was the beginning of the me.2
You don’t have to apologize for being all over this forum, we all have, especially in the beginning of NC. It’s hard. I remember thinking I would actually die. So post all you want, we are here.
From start to finish, it was about 20 months, but from when I realized it was limerence and starting working on myself to overcome it, about a year. LO and I were friends and later on FWB before I ended things and went NC to the best of my ability (we are schoolmates as well as co-workers, which makes things a bit difficult). I did not escape unscathed, however – LO was a narcissist who left me with a trauma bond. It took a lot of journaling, self-reflection, and therapy to undo that damage and get to where I am now. I went through all of the five stages of grief after ending our relationship.
Personally, I did not fully get over it until I spoke with LO and asked him if having any sort of relationship with me was important to him. The answer was “Not really, no. I don’t mind talking to you if I see you, though”. Although harsh, it was exactly what I needed to hear. That was the closure I needed to leave him behind and move on. I can happily say that I am completely over him and not a shred of my former limerence remains, although I still think about him often. (My therapist says that’s normal and will likely persist until I find someone new.) In spite of that, my feelings for him are completely neutral; I am no longer interested in having any sort of relationship with him, be it friendship or romance. I should add that not seeing him at all during quarantine or during the summer (he’s currently away) has helped immensely. It may seem impossible, but you’ll get there eventually!
Four years and counting.
NC now for eight weeks and counting. It does get easier but there’s days where it’s horrendous.
I have done the course which is great and helps frame it well. NC first started in June after an intense four month period. This led to a manic depressive episode, a stay in the local MH hospital and months of work in recovery.
Each day gets slightly easier and I now see a NC day as the reward. Always remembering that my thoughts are my own and while they can trigger everything from happiness, resentment, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, jealousy I take solace knowing I haven’t made contact or reached out to mutual friends so no one else is none the wiser.
I have a firm belief that in time this will fade and I will recognise it just as a fantasy. I can’t wait for the day when the internal monologue stops but it is more manageable each day and if that takes many more months then so be it, but NC will still be achieved and at some point my thoughts will be my own again.
Fairly standard 18 months-2 years. Usually starts with brief relationship with LO during which I fall heavily and they don’t then that awful breaking up but lets be friends and me falling deep into an LE which sadly usually becomes a bit toxic (and in younger days triggered a bit of mild stalking/engineered meeting etc.) until NC.
One LE ended really well though because LO addressed it head on and was very candid. He identified my behaviour, acknowledged our past (we’d slept together a handful of times) and basically said ‘I only want friendship, I have a partner I love very much, and I want you to take as long as necessary to get over this, then happy to be mates’. He also said and this was incredibly helpful, ‘I will never want to have sex with you again.’ Not harshly- but firmly.
It was hard to hear, but my LE with him ended super quickly. After months of rumination it fizzled in days.
Also – to be clear, he was in an open marriage, but ongoing meaningful outside relationships were prohibited. Hence his approach to our encounter.
We are now friends and can go for food and I’ll not think anything more of it.
Compared to the confusion of my other LEs this one couldn’t have worked out better. BUT – its worth noting, the boundaries were hard, clear AND they came from LO, not me! I guess we can’t always hope our LOs will do the heavy lifting.
@Thomas- Your story reminds me of George Michael’s (God rest his soul!)… he fell deeply in love once and after his bf died, he could never find anyone that measured up but he tried, nevertheless. All of his partners afterward were flings that he would attempt to have a relationship with but none of them wanted commitment and ended up friendzoning him. He never got over his first love.
Grief ultimately killed the man.
Ah, no. While the death of his first partner hit him hard, he went on to have 2 long-term partners.
And he died of a heart condition – cardiomyopathy.
On ‘entitlement’. This is something that occurred to me very recently. If I text a friend and they don’t respond immediately or within minutes then I assume they’re busy, or I’ll happily acknowledge that my text doesn’t really demand a reply (maybe a link to something we spoke about which is self explanatory for example or a photo of something silly/inane…).
But it’s so true about the LO. If I text my current LO ‘I watched the end of (insert boxset/film etc.) and don’t receive a reply instantly/virtually instantly I immediately go to ‘why are they ignoring me?/they’re actually very selfish and unkind/they’re probably busy flirting with someone (how dare they!)’ Etc.
Almost as if the most important job in their day should be congratulating me on watching a bit of TV. Which should then (naturally!) lead to some kind of romantic/intimate gesture that I can get a little buzz from.
I don’t demand that my friends are constantly on the lookout to make me feel happy and validated, I don’t resent them for having rounded lives of which I am only a small part (in the big scheme of things!). But my LO? How dare they take even a second to eat or breathe when I’m sat here needing to feel ‘the love’.
Seriously entitled behaviour. Feeling proud today though because I got a deeply unsatisfying short text from LO and resisted the urge to respond with a massive provocative overshare to garner more attention. I just accepted the short answer (to my banal prompt) and deleted the text thread entirely. I’ve removed all his contact details from my phone so unless he texts at some point I can’t easily throw out random attention seeking messages (which is if course also a common pattern when I’m deep in a miserable LE).
He owes me nothing. He owes me less than my mates and I’ve never even thought about healthy friendships in those terms anyway.
Let’s see.
Oh Thomas, I can certainly relate to your post….I am still in this awful ‘entitlement’ stage…I dream up the most mundane of messages, just to get some sort of reply, and of course if I don’t, I get very upset, how dare he not reply…of course the poor boy has no idea that I’m sitting here checking the computer every few minutes…how pathetic…..of course he has a life and fiance so why should I expect him to reply to my messages………I would like to ask one question of members on here…..has anyone offered their LO ‘rewards’ or offered to help them out financially etc….just to keep their interest, or keep them in their lives in some way………….
Hi Maureen,
I’ve fantasised about lending my financially struggling LO money out of my savings (what there is of them…) but fortunately I understand that would be madness.
In saner moments I also realise he’s struggling because of his own poor decisions (he’s got a perfectly reasonable job, with an ok income).
But obsessive rumination takes you to all sorts of ‘possibles’ and ‘what-ifs’ doesn’t it?
Hi Thomas, Vincent, it certainly does……I have offered to help LO out financially during these difficult times, but fortunately for me (I think) he said that he and his fiance are fine. (Her family is looking after them, and they have both now found work). On my part, I just simple was trying to find some kind of way to stay connected…..so I didn’t get any kind of satisfaction really, except to let him know that there is help there if needed.
Thomas, for me, the LE must have began almost immediately….but after that 7 day tour, it wasn’t until a few months later, that I manage to find this site and realize what was happening….I still haven’t figured out what it is about him, other than his looks….I didn’t have enough time to get to know him at all, which makes it all so strange….and of course the huge age gap, now that’s just insane……..***In my case I then just incorporate whatever more I learn about them into feeding my LE… or minimise anything I discover which doesn’t fit my fantasy.**** Thomas, my sentiments exactly….
On the other hand I buy most of the drinks when he suggests hanging out.
@Maureen – I gave my LO a job, trained her personally (when that should have been done by someone below me), bought her a birthday present, and I basically got her the current job she has. Albeit that last one was more me feeling guilty about going NC than winning favour. There are a few other financial related things too. So yes, it was a key part of our relationship I’d say. I liked the feeling of power, I liked her reaction and of course it brought us closer together each time. At least in my eyes.
Vincent, I guess that by offering financial help, it would have strengthened the connection in some way, but sadly for me, that just didn’t happen……I’m still hoping though, that it might happen at some point, but in reality, I must accept the fact that I will never be part of LO’s life, not even in the smallest of ways……..sigh.
I got extremely angry if he ignored me when asking to meet (he responded to everything else but my question about lets meet, being bluntly ambiguous) Felt entitled totally towards him. But I stayed …
I’m curious, what’s your story with you and Lo Thomas? Are you in a committed relationship? Is he?
Hey Mia,
We have had an on-off thing and sometimes it’s more on than off mainly determined by him. I don’t think he’s being horrible, I think he enjoys the attention. So when he maybe needs the attention then my messages get responses which are a bit more thought out. But when he’s a bit more preoccupied with whatever then he’s more ‘distant’ (honestly I don’t think it takes much… I call not responding to my text for 24 hours ‘distant’) and I’m left ruminating. Though I’m guessing we all know a lot of distressing thoughts and anxieties can go through your head in 24 hours. The funny thing is that I don’t imagine us being marriage material. But I just want to be with him in some other way. Like his financial stuff is awful, and I’m not rich- so I know I don’t want to hitch myself to that wagon in a legally binding sense! But I still sort of want him all to myself, whereas he is very much and very openly happy to an on-off FWB arrangement. I’m a mess basically! (said tongue-in-cheek).
He’s also 29 so there’s a maturity level to consider. Fuck buddies are extremely popular in that generation, gay or not.
Thomas, Does he knows you are really suffering? Or are you hiding that ?
My resolution for my next dating is to be more vulnerable and don’t play the cool chick anymore who is okay with breadcrumbs.
Hi Anxious,
Yeah, I think you’re right. I’d also say I’ve had a few FWBs in my time (it’s more condoned in urban gay culture). But that’s also maybe part of the problem in terms of I’m embarrassed to have attached more to this particular FWB even now it’s pretty much dead in the water of late. Which also feeds into your question Mia, I’m afraid of looking an idiot, or weirdly even looking like the ‘loser’… like ‘this was a bit of fun for you but I’m the idiot who couldn’t keep a grip on their emotions’. Again, age might also play a part… what am I, the silly, flattered, infatuated older dude? 😄🙄
Some really good observations. I guess a limerent person always has LO “on their mind”, so they think/assume LO should always have them “on the mind” and this is rarely the case in reality (except in cases of mutual limerence).
Also, I think a limerent episode can significantly alter somebody’s personality. For example, someone who is NOT naturally entitled, and feels very little need of emotional validation from friends and family, may all of a sudden become very needy. Of course, the neediness will be about craving LO’s attention/approval.
Just seen this Sammy,
So true! In my non-limerent relationships I’m generally avoidant, in fact I’ve realised (since following this site down various Google wormholes) even avoidant dismissive! (I’m lovely, honestly.)
Then an LE comes along and it all gets turned on its head. Which is funny really… because there I am probably hitching my wagon to other avoidant types for a ‘bit of fun’, in swoops the LE and I’m a fallen man staring at my phone all day!
You couldn’t make it up!
Thomas: I’m reading this long after you posted it, and I imagine you will not read my comment. But your comments here are exactly what I needed to read today and made me feel less isolated, less alone, less humiliated, less embarrased. Thank you.
Great post DrL and absolutely agree with this from start to finish. Thank you.
It is so very empowering to take responsibility for our own inner and outer responses to our interactions with people. As hard as it can be sometimes, I find digging deep and finding some compassion for the difficult people in my life rarely fails to make me feel that little bit happier. But clinging on to bad feelings always does the opposite.
That’s another good point about difficult people, Allie. Sometimes LOs are difficult, but you’ll feel much better by accepting it and moving on than by getting frustrated by their difficult behaviour.
@Dr L, you’ve written an excellent article! One point that I had considered when reading this piece, is the limerent who, instead of lashing out at their LO, engages in self-destructive behavior, like self-harm, destroying their own belongings or verbal abusing themselves for feeling the way they do, or even lashing out in frustration at their loved ones.
There were times, during the height of my limerence for LOs 1 & 2, that I was frustrated at how I felt and the lack of progress being made with said LOs, and became moodier with my family, behavior I subsequently apologized for (not revealing my limerence). I can’t say I wanted to lash out at my LOs or resented them, but I certainly felt an inward animosity because of the limerence at times, something I’ve learned to control with LOs 3 & 4, thankfully!
Good point, LG. For some personalities, resentment manifests as destructive behaviour directed at themselves rather than at LO. I hadn’t really thought about that when writing this. Maybe worth another post (on how to avoid hurting yourself)…
@Dr L, it was only reading this article that reminded me of those feelings I had with LOs 1 & 2. If you do decide to write a post about limerents using their resentment for self-destructive purposes, I will drop you a line via the contact form and elaborate a bit more about what I felt and how I overcame those feelings. If it can provide some help to other people, then I am more than happy to do my bit! 🙂
First off, thank you for this blog. It’s helped my understanding greatly over my seven months and counting LE with a very hot and cold LO. I can sense my entitlement and am thankful for the self awareness, but regardless the inconsistent behavior on their part is very confusing and painful. Anyway, I just wanted to speak up about the self harm aspect as I have utilized this (unhealthy) coping strategy, just the other day in fact. I feel it’s that lack of control, inability to properly regulate emotion rationally, a lack of support system for the chaos that is a LE, and the resulting overwhelming frustration that leads to the self harm.
Is is normal that after 2 months NC my anger for LO disappeares, the “pressure” of having to leave LO because it was unbearable becomes less, I see my own mistakes toward him more clear and I catch myself being more and more tempted to give it another go instead of detach more.
In the beginning I was so determined to never see LO again, but now i fantasize about me being all calm and going to contact LO soon and he will see the non clingy new me and he will be impressed of course.
It becomes more and more an option. I even think it’s the only logical thing to do and in my brain it will work out, even though I know there is a chance it will not.
It’s like the more I learn the less I let go. I know I will not hurt anyone since we are both single. So what’s there to loose.
I can’t trust my mind anymore, is this just kind of normal to give it a fair chance and try not to freak out this time and see if we slowly can build up something. And if it doesn’t at least I really tried, Or is it my limerent brain that found I new way to insist and I’m fooling myself and waisting months on limerence and most of all try to gain happiness (aka get rid of the pain ) with this idea. Sometimes limerence makes me think I have no idea what is normal and not in love anymore. Looks like after 2 months the longing is getting worse instead of less!
It must be so very hard to resist in your situation Mia i.e. when you are both available and you know there is reciprocation. And who knows what is best or not as it is impossible to predict what will happen over time. Am not sure I would be able to resist that temptation especially when the limerent mind can be so sneaky sometimes – it does everything to persuade us to get more LO contact.
Is it real love or is it person addiction? I guess the key difference being that real love is about how you can meet their needs, person addiction is more about how they can meet yours. Is it the real person you want, or is it mostly about how he makes you feel, or that he fills an inner void? Has anything changed over the last few months that will make the relationship go differently this time?
I must apologise for the tough love, is just what I am feeling like today.
x
If this is your though, I would love to see your soft love. You are not though Alie, you are kind.
And yes it’s difficult because before corona Lo and me where quite happy. And yes it’s def me needing him, and yes I’m def an addiction but isn’t being in love always an addiction.
Deep down I know the answer, I’m not well enough to be in any kind of relationship. I’m not there yet. I should be happy first without needing anyone for that. I’m cracked open and I have some more healing to do. It’s just indeed really hard to let LO go knowing he wants to see me, but than again isn’t banging on my door, but than again I told him I didn’t want to continue us and I needed time, but than again he could know I didnt really mean that
Bla bla that goes on in my mind, but I think everyone here has these kind of conversation in their mind.
That’s a really good question to ask!
Am I seeking them or am I seeking the thrills I get when I’m with them?
Can it be both?
I do really love certain personality traits in LO that I haven’t seen in a lot of other men.
Hi Mia,
I think that’s a question we all have to wrestle with. The glimmer doesn’t just come out of nowhere. I guess it’s trying to work out whether your reaction to those attractive qualities is rational or whether you are maybe overreacting to them? For example I know I tend to find tall men attractive and my LO is tall, but I strongly fetishise his height, I even manage to find his roots (Yorkshire) bizarrely magnetic. I think it’s this borderline between fetishizing your LO and simply sort of just fancying them as a person.
I’ve seen some users here talk about developing LEs really quickly (after just hours of contact) which I don’t experience, I’ll normally need a couple of decent encounters of some duration… but either way, the limerence seems to kick in before I/we have enough info to really establish what they’re like.
In my case I then just incorporate whatever more I learn about them into feeding my LE… or minimise anything I discover which doesn’t fit my fantasy. It seems from my reading on this blog that this is fairly standard for limerents.
Which is why I find separating what I’m genuinely drawn to from the stuff I’ve incorporated after I’ve settled into an LE.
Yes it’s difficult, people in love, also in “normal” love see things out of perspective, and with pink glasses. I think limerents do the same but ×100.
Some traits we love some traits we close our eyes for, some traits we ignore some traits we all off a sudden love when never loved before etc you can’t really distinguish what’s “real” and not. Maybe when out of the fog.
For me, the LE fills a void.
LO1 started right as I started struggling with an illness. She made me think happy thoughts. She distracted me.
LO2 started right as a close family member was in her last year of life with cancer. More happy thoughts, more distractions.
LO3… pesky LO3… I have no idea why the heck it started with her. I think it was because I started noticing signs of interest from her, and it made me think of what I never attained with LO1 and LO2.
Mia,
I certainly relate to this. But I’m afraid I think it is mostly just your limerent brain playing tricks.
Also, the way you describe the fantasy of seeing him again doesn’t sound so great. I too get these pangs (and am currently in an LE where one second I’m sworn to NC then divising ways to make NC unnecessary and then back to square 1).
The reason I say these fantasies don’t sound great is because they still involve you being flawed and needing to change yourself for your LO. So you say he’ll see how ‘non-clingy’ you are and be ‘impressed’. But any progress you’ve made on this involved the work you put in on the NC. With him in the picture, you didn’t grow, and actually your fantasy is like turning up saying ‘please accept me because I’ve worked on being more like what you want’. Imagine how awful it could feel if you get some reciprocation, fall back into LE territory and have to start again. NC is so hard, I can delete all contact details on my phone and find myself going to great lengths hunting down those details all over again… and getting back in touch thinking, ‘now I look cool and aloof… etc.’ It doesn’t take long before I’m on the backfoot though.
Another thing which is similar, is when I go NC it’s not like my LO is beating down my door begging for contact. I go NC and that’s it… until it’s me who cracks. Like you both me and LO are single… but lets be honest, it’s not them calling me out of the blue. Ever, really. We have had an infrequent PA, and they’ve called once or twice when ’round the corner’ and after a quick hook up. But even that sort of thing is far past, and I cycle between NC and relapsing. I’m committed to a recovery mindset now, and small victories (not caving in repeatedly counts!) mean a lot.
But you have 2 months! That’s amazing! But as long as you are longing after this person, and fantasizing about reconnecting on their terms I don’t think you’re out of the woods yet. But you’re further than me, (and many on here I’d reckon.) So keep going, you’re doing yourself proud!
I took a screenshot of your words.
” Me being more of what you want ” it’s like the opposite of what I intend to do with my recovery! I never want to mold myself again for anyone. Not that LO demanded that, I just thought I wasn’t good enough, and apparently still believe that.
Thank you Thomas, putting me back on track! Sneaky limerence !
It’s so weird isn’t it? So awful not feeling ‘good enough’ but then you think ‘good enough for what?’ Just not ‘good enough.’
Then giving away that power to judge it to somebody else. I’ve done it so many times. Maybe there’s something seductive about outsourcing the judgement. In our imagination convincing somebody else is easier than convincing ourselves. But also, I’m not sure I ever really showed an LO what I was actually like during an LE. I’m too focused on trying to push the right buttons (the humour, the taste in music, the opinions about this or that…) and so sometimes it’s all good when there’s genuine common ground, but sometimes I find myself censoring what I think to quite a big degree. My current LO is awful with money, in debt, etc. But when they moan about it, I don’t offer constructive criticism or advice like I would to a friend, I just agree with their skewed ‘the world is out to get me’ narrative… so then they feel consoled and express gratitude, and thank me for my kindness and understanding etc. At which point I feel really happy to have fostered that. But I’ve not been authentic, I’ve just told them what I know they want to hear…
But even knowing that doesn’t stop me doing it! 🤷♂️
Yes Steve, I know it sounds good, an LO who was crazy in love with me and maybe could be again but there is a reason I went NC. I couldn’t handle it after a happy periode, as soon as I realized I really loved him I felt rejected all the time when there was non, I freaked out about everything. No matter how he tried to reassure me, I wanted more and more That wasn’t a life, he dictated my hormones without knowing, and of course I tried to hide that so I felt like a fake self too. It was awful at the end. So no being with LO is not an option, at least not for now.
It would be a quick fix.
It’s interesting to me that men go through this too. I was fully aware that limerance happens to men but there’s still this societal image of that love stricken woman who would be the ultimate pursuer who couldn’t let go. Men seem to move on much quicker from my own experience. Or maybe they hide it better? Anyway, I wonder if Thomas’s LO could be using him for sex like many men do to women. Or is she an attention seeking Narc? Or emotionally unintelligent when it comes to dating.
Hey anxious,
I’m gay, so though I made the effort in my account to not be gender specific- we’re both men. I’m my darker moments I do wonder if my LO is a narc. He’s a bit younger (I’m 42 he’s 29) and sure expands a lot of energy on Instagram. 😀
Anxious,
…also he’s almost certainly using me for sex when other options are thin on the ground.
…and I get to have that (which for unconsummated limerents must sound great) but then if he’s distant for 3 weeks after while I’m back to daydreaming all day long.
God. How embarrassing.
‘Sometimes limerence makes me think I have no idea what is normal and not in love anymore.’
My longest, happiest relationship of many years did not come with the fireworks or explosions, and although it was desperately sad when it ended it did not come with the sleeplessness, the physical heart pains, the endless miserable rumination. For some time I felt guilty that I wasn’t really in love. But actually I now believe it was with somebody I wasn’t limerent for. But it was my steadiest, most supportive and most intimate relationship.
I’m not sure I could achieve that with an LO, partly because of my attitudes and partly because of my choice of LOs.
Fair enough
On basically everything you just wrote.
I think it’s time to implement fase 2 of my recovery.
New hobby’s and some overall newness.
Thank you Thomas, I know I still have LO on a pedestal.
Darn it.
Which is obviously wrong. Because if you met my LO you’d immediately realise that they are on fact the best person in the world! (Oh dear…) 😉
Yours is a tough case..
A reciprocating LO
Seems like a no-brainer to me, but my judgement is at all time low. I guess you could think it over more and hope some direction presents itself. And lm sure he thinks about you, so that must be kinda cool.
Cool in a herion-addict-trying-to-quit-while-having-a-syringe-full-of-drug-in-front-them-the-whole-time kind of way.
Straight rejection has been the fastest route to ending my LEs in the past, not reciprocation…..isn’t ending the LE what know is best for us, even if we don’t always want to?
@Mia… that’s why the cliche about that time heals is bullshit. I believe we just learn to live with the pain of unrequited love. Maybe recovery really means acceptance.
The sense of entitlement really resonated with me DrL. Iv been managing reasonably well this past couple of weeks. My LO is my fiancé’s sons girlfriend, she is heavily pregnant (have been limerent for her for around 3 years). She is due her baby this weekend so I messaged her a few days ago on WhatsApp to ask her how she was managing and to wish her well. We get on very well but she has no idea of my feelings for her.She still hasn’t read the message (even though she has been active on the app). I felt so deflated and angry about this I took it out on my SO, we argued and I was ignorant to her. All because my LO didn’t read my message. It really is ridiculous when you think about. We will never know what LO’s think, that’s the hardest thing for me to deal with, what are their motives? I do think it’s rude not to read a message (as we are quite close) but that’s her prerogative. I’m hoping this will help in the de-idealisation process as it’s impossible for me to go NC.
I’ve totally been there (LO leaving msgs unread, driving me crazy). The plain truth is that I probably come across as a lovesick puppy, and she’s trying to gently hint that she’s not interested (at least not in the way I want). Of course, my limerent lizard brain would then insist that our feelings are mutual, and that she’s trying her best to recover from limerence by ignoring my texts the best she can! 🙂
Consider the strong possibility that she just doesn’t care to respond. I used to send texts to my “have ghosted me since” LO that were asking him directly “why haven’t you responded to me, why is your communication etiquette so poor?” and sometimes he didn’t respond, sometimes he did with apologies that he was “busy.” It took a loong time for me to realize that busy is code for “I just don’t care.” The sense of shame about my behavior is partly what keeps me from moving on. It’s pathetic to beg for someone’s attention. So demeaning and must be a turn off to the other party, I’d imagine.
Kinerd, definitely been there. Imagining that they’re struggling with limerence. Then I go NC to give them space, before panicking that they’ll misread the signal… and off goes another random WhatsApp about the weather, or breakfast, or a funny meme.
Anxious, sadly also been there! When I spill my guts in a huge message culminating in a question (you know, as bait)… and you get – ‘Yeah. I’m alright. Busy.’ About 48 hours later.
After a while it sinks in, then I start hurting… I feel like WhatsApp is the devil when it comes to limerence ticks, double ticks, blue ticks… christ it’s exhausting sometimes.
Yeah I don’t think you can call out the other party for their communication style. The whole two-grey-ticks thing on WhatsApp or the lack of a like or even a “seen” to a social media DM is infuriating to me. But I’m someone that thinks a lot about how I come across to others, and frankly worry about how I’m perceived. I then hold others to my same standards and of course they fall short. That’s my problem, not their’s.
In relationships where I feel secure – my SO, family, lifelong friends – a few hours could easily go by before I realise they haven’t responded, but I know they will so I don’t fret. With an LO, by definition you are uncertain about their feelings and so each text or DM is a micro-sign of their feelings towards you (at least in your mind). So the importance is heightened off the scale.
When an LO hasn’t responded to the message and yet you can see they’ve been on WhatsApp, FB, IG etc then that really smarts. My response though is typically “FU” though, and I leave it. Even when they eventually respond I’ll not reply back. We’ll then have a period of silence and I’ll hold out until they break first…. which they always seem to do, and often it’s followed by a barrage of contact.
Cool and Aloof works, even when you weren’t actually either! 😂
@Vincent Couldn’t agree more. I’m also big on the whole “thinking a lot about how I come across to others”, so I always respond to messages as soon as I see them.
It’s been exactly a month since my last message to LO appreciating her sincerity and it’s still marked as unread, despite her been active in whatsapp. LO already told me she’s hellishly unreliable with the phone, so in a way I still think about sending a message checking out on her because I’m pretty sure she’ll respond, but then I think “What I’m going to achieve with this?”. Not to mention that the possibility that this time the ghosting is intentional is also keeping me back. Not particulary keen on having a big relapse by getting humiliated with her indifference.
@Benjamin,
I’ve had LOs who are ‘rubbish on the phone etc.’
I think there are two things:
First, how true is that? Because let’s face it, if they really were engaged they wouldn’t be rubbish on the phone. My current LO is more communicative when he wants attention. Then suddenly it’s back to being ‘ditzy’ or whatever when the need subsides or (I assume) another source of attention distracts him away.
The second point is if we believe that it really is possible to not communicate with somebody for a long period without that being due to lack of interest. Even if your LO is being truthful that this is their ‘normal’ then they sound like a nightmare to be limerent for. Because you know… the pain!
They may not be a terrible person, but for your mental health I’d certainly hold on to your reasoning about not getting in touch. Because you (might, not guaranteed) get that reciprocation… but then how will the next month of 2 grey ticks feel when it comes around?
I’m sore today because I held out for a week (!) then LO made contact, suggested a drink, and yesterday cancelled last minute because they’d been to a great party the night before and were too hungover to come out. Obviously if this was anyone else I’d shrug my shoulders and accept that it happens. As it is I feel utterly crushed.
If you can see being let down as part of a cycle, try to resist, even if they are apparently incapable of managing to read a WhatsApp in a reasonable time frame!
There is a saying that “if they wanted to be with you they would be”, and communication is just a lens for that really. If they wanted to reply to your message, they would. Something is stopping them from doing so. For me it is either:
a) Indifference. They just aren’t that into you, you’re not top of mind and someone else probably has their attention. (extreme version being annoyance – you’re an irritation and they are trying to send you a message or they’re just a narc)
b) Self-preservation. They like you, maybe a lot, but you (or they) are unavailable and they feel like they’re playing with fire with the messaging. So they dial it down, play cool, maybe even feign indifference so that they don’t make a fool of themselves. But they don’t like the silence, so eventually it starts back up again (extreme version being they are limerent themselves, or suffer from some anxiety issues or personality disorder)
Having said that I suspect my LO was somewhere in the middle of the two. I remember when she’d irritated me with something so I didn’t reply to her message until the next day, and it was a very matter of fact reply. Knowing something was up she replied instantly… “Are you OK? Have I done something?”. Then I’m sure not long after she would have “grey-ticked” me and wrestled back control. It felt like a game of tennis – someone always had the upper hand, but who it was changed.
Thanks, Thomas. Very true the thing about your LO and hangover and how if he were just a friend you wouldn’t have minded at all. I can see myself feeling exactly like you. Hell, I’d make a pretty nightmarish LO myself because, even if I always answer texts as I see them, I rarely initiate conversations, even with close friends.
Right now I’m in a limbo in regards to LO where I can see her for what she is, a normal human with virtues and flaws, yet for some reason I can’t shake her off me. I’ve even developed the annoying habit of subconsciously looking for her whenever I’m out, even when there’s not much of a possibility of us bumping into each other.
It’s making me seriously angry, but not at LO, at myself. We didn’t even have that much of a meaningful connection, just some text messages during Corona lockdown and that’s it, so why I can’t stop thinking about her? Top that with the very realistic possibility that she doesn’t think of me much (if at all), and you can see how frustrating it’s all. So thanks for the push in the right direction, man.
Vincent: Your pts on indifference and self-preservation are so so true! It’s certainly like a game of tennis in my experience. Usually, the person who blinks first releases a whole barrage of texts on the other party, before switching roles being the silent one the next round.
Article of the Day: https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-anger-and-vs-resentment/#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20anger%20and,bitterness%20that%20the%20individual%20experiences.
This is a good article.
If you carry this into the 5 Stages of Grief, resentment is a low grade anger that persists and keeps you from moving on to Acceptance.
Okay, very well, Dr.L and your thoughts on resentment have been noted. But how do you feel about LO who proclaims friendship then is being a bad friend? I’d say, I should call him out on his bad manners? I’m specifically referring to such simple thing as… he promises to call but doesn’t. I no longer obsess as much as to why but whether the motherfucker needs to be told that he’s been rude. That’s why I consider my own situation as it being self imposed NC because he drops the ball on communicating. So I’ve finally decided that I will not reach out again and so this very likely could turn out to be a classic ghosting scenario but a part of me still wants a confrontation about “how fucking dare he” be so inconsiderate and compassion less?
I can see this bitterness in myself. She acts very high and mighty and points to her patience and forgiveness of me. Unfortunately Anxious, what l have learned is no kind of communication ends well for me. Learned it again in double measure yesterday
…I cycle through this emotion regularly. Then LO comes back into view after weeks of LC from his side…
…and here I am. Available!
I would say that I do honestly hold him to a higher standard than other people… for example a good friend of mine hasn’t texted me for weeks and I’m not resenting her for it! But of course it’s different- because I don’t think about her every day hoping she’s thinking about me….
One way to look at this Anxious: what do you have to gain by forcing LO to face the fact that he is a bad friend? Will that improve the friendship? Will the brief satisfaction of administering justice make a lasting change to your feelings about him?
What if he pushes back and points out that good friends don’t attack each other because they aren’t happy with their communication style?
The main thing for me is that trying to get people to behave the way you think they should usually just ends up costing you a lot of time, energy and frustration. And they still behave as they always did.
Hmm… why? To make him aware that shitty behavior has been noted. Also, maybe he’s really on the spectrum and doesn’t see how poor communication style is hurtful to others? Finally, the way I rationalize it to myself is also that by calling out shitty behavior, I am essentially voicing out loud respect for myself. Even if they don’t have it, obviously. It’s a form of assessing my own boundaries. That being said, I only employ this if they break NC. Otherwise, it goes down as one of those things I wish I would have done but NC was more important. Kwim?
I was my LO’s boss, and because of the age gap our relationship often bordered on parental at times so I’d occasionally administer a telling off. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it, but sometimes I suspected she did! Some of the things she did I can only assume she was trying to engineer it, which meant we then had to have the 1:1 convos, she would text to apologize later on, I’d forgive her etc. I think she enjoyed the drama or maybe seeing me get wound up.
For the majority of our relationship these tellings-off had to be under the guise of work, but of course it was usually something else that triggered it – her not treating me in the “special” way I wanted if I’m honest with myself. Towards the end though, when she was moving on, and I knew I was heading for NC then I got far more brazen, and just called her out on stuff – which felt pretty good. And the final communication was a pure mic-drop moment where I summed up her behavior and told her I hoped she would lead a happy life but I wouldn’t be in it. Boom.
But in your case A_S its not worth breaking NC to do it. Actions speak louder than words, and walking away says everything you need to.
“What if he pushes back and points out that good friends don’t attack each other because they aren’t happy with their communication style?”
I had a discussion on this subject with LO #4.
She had a habit of either not responding to something I said or if she did, sometimes after weeks, her response had nothing to do with what I said. Ambiguity breeds uncertainty and we know what that does.
I told her I found her style dismissive and explained it to her. I didn’t say she was dismissive, I said her style was. I told her I had an ex-girlfriend who operated that way and I didn’t like it any better coming from LO #4 than I did from the ex. LO #4 said she didn’t intend to be dismissive but, “Based on what you said, I thought it best not to respond to certain things.” She didn’t apologize for her behavior but apologized for upsetting me and said she wouldn’t contact me again.
I responded that I believed she didn’t intend to be dismissive but it came across that way. We were 2500 miles apart, how was I supposed to interpret the silence? I told her my crystal ball wasn’t working and I couldn’t read her mind.
In fact, she was dismissing me since she’d made a unilateral decision not to address what I said. I told her that if I said something out of line, over the line, whatever, say something. I’m a big boy and I can handle it. I told her I don’t like being told “No” but I hate being ignored. I challenged her pretty hard on the “Based on what you said…” She never responded to that but she agreed she’d be more direct in her communication. I got the idea she wasn’t used to being dealt with like this and I backed off in the way I communicated with her.
She agreed and our communication became more direct. From the time that happened until the time she said said goodbye was about 3 months. Her goodbye was gracious, direct, and left no doubt in my mind as to why she was doing it.
Mission accomplished.
Dr.L, I think you have actually defined what limerence is in the first paragraph: it occurs primarily in a situation that involves someone not free/willing to reciprocate. It almost guarantees sourness. When both people can and do reciprocate, perhaps instead of limerence, it’s just good old-fashioned, straightforward love. Maybe resentment in not getting reciprocation is a symptom of the lack of real love. It reveals the self-gratifying and illusionary nature of limerence, an imitation of love which, by contrast, is actually generous and other-centred in spirit. That’s why not everyone can truly love. Just a thought.
https://www.hipsobriety.com/home/how-to-kill-unrequited-love
Thank you for sharing that! I am actually working through the Tempest program right now (the author of the post you started a sobriety program geared for women and non-binary folk-for those that don’t know) and find it truly healing to get at the root of this mess. It’s amazing.
Yes feeling resentment for Lo at times feels pretty natural, but it can lead to dark places. I guess the thing is to acknowledge it, but really try to defeat it or else ultimately it will surely defeat you or lead you down a bitter lonely road
Thomas, Does he knows you are really suffering? Or are you hiding that ?
My resolution for my next dating is to be more vulnerable and don’t play the cool chick anymore who is okay with breadcrumbs.
Mia, he’s gay lol but your advice still applies;)
Yeah. Its just as easy to play the ‘cool dude’s who is ok with breadcrumbs!’ Probably whether your LO is a guy or a gal… or in fact not subscribing to either of those categories!
Mia, I actually phoned him yesterday, spilt my guts and said I needed NC. He was very non-committal which infuriated me. Acknowledged feelings/etc. But played his cards close to his chest. But at least I’ve cut the line so I’m no longer dangling.
This morning I went through my phone and removed any traces I could find. Photos, WhatsApp chats, messages and I deleted him from my contacts and even deleted all records of his number from my call history. Now I feel numb, but I’m allowing myself a day to wallow in bed (I’ve got stuff to do, but nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow).
The thing is he might not have fully grasped the limerence thing, but he sure as hell knew he was playing with my feelings. I didn’t put anything to hard on him, but I explained that this is just how my mind works, it wasn’t healthy for me, and I needed to cut communication ‘for the foreseeable future’.
Article of the Day: https://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2020/07/the-truth-about-the-guy-who-just-wants-to-see-where-it-goes/
People treat you the way you allow them to.
Im so freaking proud of you Thomas I could disco.
Hurray to cutting the line.
Hurray for claiming your selfrespect back.
Song of the Day: “Heart of Glass” – Blondie (1978)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGU_4-5RaxU
If you do disco, you have to post the video! 🙂
I really like this song. My wife and I were at some fundraiser and they played it. I asked my wife if she wanted to dance. She said she hated the song. A woman across the table said, “I love it! Let’s go!” And, we did.
After that my wife never again turned down an offer to dance.
I think to defeat resentment, you have to understand it. The emotion is genuine but what’s causing it.
[Resentment] “It is not based on a present event but on a number of past events, which may be ignited by the present event. Resentment usually involves reliving a painful experience again and again.”
I thought about this and there are only two people I can remember in my life I held true resentment for, my mother and LO #2. Interestingly, I resented them both for the same offense. And, past events were triggered by, at the time, present events.
As a kid, I didn’t understand my mother’s alcoholism. She told me she had epilepsy and that’s why her behavior was so erratic. When she disappeared for 5 years, I didn’t understand. It was when she came back into my life that I began to resent her. She took off on me and then cruised back into my life as if nothing happened? To make it worse, as her only child, I’d be responsible for her as she got older. I had plans for my life and they didn’t include taking care of an alcoholic. She died of an accidental overdose of placidyl and alcohol a month before I graduated HS neatly taking care of that problem. It took a lot of work with the therapist to dismantle that resentment. My daughter is named after my mother. When I told my aunt, she said, “You don’t know how good it makes me feel to know that you’ve finally forgiven your mother.”
When LO #2 left, I was sad. If when she said she wasn’t coming back, she’d said something like, “I’ve thought a lot about it and I just don’t see us going the distance. I hope you find someone who does. We had some really good times together,” she’d have gone down in the books as the second best thing to ever happen to me. But, she didn’t. She demoted me from Boy Friend to Best Friend. In retrospect, we had a largely transactional relationship. She traded sex for friendship. When I stopped getting laid, I stopped getting paid. But, she expected the same degree of emotional support she did before. She felt she could cruise into and out of my life as she wanted. That’s when I began to resent her. But, that ended when I met my wife and kicked her to the curb.
LO #4 had a habit of ignoring or not responding to what I said and coming around as if nothing had happened. But, this time, rather than take it, I went to war with her. I was angry with LO #4, but it never turned into resentment.
The point is. Resentment appears to need fuel. Once the fuel is gone, the resentment took care of itself.
I had one conversation with LO #2 in which resentment came up. LO #2 told me, “You did everything I ever asked of you. The harder you tried, the more I resented you for it.” It blew my mind. I mentioned it to the therapist once and asked what that meant. The therapist said her bet was that more I tried to demonstrate that LO #2 was lovable, the more uncomfortable LO #2 became. LO #2 resented me for bringing up those emotions. Maybe, I don’t know.
This article explains a friendship in my life that went bad really fast for no apparent reason. I was not limerent for this person. I was only mildly friendly with them on social media, playing find-a-word games, etc. They must have read more into the interaction than there was. We weren’t friends very long either.
I never flirted with this woman. She was in a happy marriage, as far as I know, so it never occurred to me to flirt with her. Flirting with someone who is obviously “taken” just seems pointless. Also, it never occurred to me she could even develop feelings for anyone other than her partner. I was limerent for someone else at the time, and had no feelings whatsoever for this particular individual.
The bitterness that resulted when I kind of forgot about this friendship, mostly out of sheer boredom, was incredible. It’s hard to believe people can become so emotionally involved with someone they’ve only had superficial contact with.
I’ve been limerent and I’ve been LO, never for the same person. Honestly, it’s terrifying to be on the receiving end of someone’s limerence, once the entitlement-fuelled anger and bitterness has set it. I can empathise with limerent suffering, having felt it myself. Still, a supposedly innocent crush that ends in masses of resentment isn’t flattering – it’s shocking and horrible and very difficult for most people to understand. Even as a limerent myself, I was taken aback.
Sam I totally agree! I have been the LO of several guys, and some of them became weirdly stalker-ish and I was sooo creeped out. I honestly did not think I was leading them on, I was just friendly and nice and a couple of them I totally forgot about after our brief interactions. One them called me after years (and he knew I was then married and knew my husband) and said in this creepy voice “I guess you know who this is?”. I did not recognize his voice, but he identified himself and then disclosed his love for me….that had been simmering for years. PSYCHO! It’s memories like these that make me determined not to let any LO know the depth of my limerent feelings ….I actually regret disclosing to the last one– (who actually didn’t seem creeped out in the slightest and wanted to be besties) because typically it just is too much for them to understand and sympathize with and if anything it makes us seem unattractively needy and well, it’s just not a way I want to be remembered. Pondering these memories is a real cold shower on limerence.
Well, thank you! for a fresh reminder that NC is indeed mandatory for some of us. My absolute biggest fear is that LO will think of me as a stalker or unstable. I am neither but it’s a thin line from limerance to such, isn’t? But guess what? In a few days time I’ll get around writing something on here that will shock some of you. It will be more of a question and opinionseeking as I’m contemplating a move that may easily put me in a stalker category if found out. Stay tuned. Need to find a way how to explain my plan.
Although thank God im not the stalker typen, I dont even look at social media, I can somehow understand the stalkers mind, they really think that they have this special connection with their victim and thats its just a misanderstanding that the victim doesnt see that, deep down they know it, they must!”
I catch myself with the same thoughts sometimes, “off course LO thinks Im the one, I mean, I am ! ”
Ai
You got me curious ( :
I have danced along that line. As with all else limerent, highly unpleasant and disturbing. Fuck, I grew to hate limerence more than anything. I cannot see 1 good thing about it. Simply a curse.
My CO on the sub once said, “There’s a fine line between assertive and obnoxious. You, Scharnhorst, are frequently on the wrong side of that line.”
Change it to, “There’s a fine line between cute and creepy.”
LO #2 once said that I was “relentlessly persistent.” My wife said my assertiveness scared her.
But, nothing I did could get me fired, arrested, or rose to the level of a restraining order.
This one’s for you, AS!
“It will be more of a question and opinionseeking as I’m contemplating a move that may easily put me in a stalker category if found out. Stay tuned.”
Clip of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_h4DZeBleLs – “Animal House” (1978)
“Let’s do this!”
LO #1 and I saw this on our first date. I had originally asked her roommate but her roommate pawned me off on her.
Anxious_Soul…..it sure is a thin line from limerence to stalker, and I’m sure that I have become a stalker, but being an old lady, no one seems to notice…..although I am careful to try not to be on line at the same time as LO….I am anxiously awaiting your ‘move’….maybe I could replicate it for my LE…..I am feeling so lost….not sure what to do next….I sit here dreaming up lame valid excuses to message him….I’ve already offered to help financially, that didn’t work, he did answer, but is doing ok without my help……..not sure what I can do next, anything to stay in touch without seeming desperate…..
Hi Maureen,
Have you ever thought about disclosing to LO? I understand it doesnt sound very appealing, but you seem stuck. You say therapy is not a possibility in your small town ( cant you pretend to go for something completely different? I asume your therapist has professional secrecy)
What about being completely honest to LO, to get out of this dead end. What do you have to loose, Maybe ask him to block you or never react again. I understand it does sound very scary, but I feel for you, and I think we all do.
I think the problem what started the LO was that there was symmetry. If we were both available, it would have been the first stages of falling in love and I think we would have had a very high chance of developing a meaningful relationship. It was a de-ja-vu experience of when I fell in love with my SO, who I by the way still have a great marriage with.
My LO and I talked for a total of maybe 10-15 hours and in this time I feel like I got a good impression of who he was. When I was with him, I felt comfortable just being myself because I felt seen and understood. This experience in which I could be myself again was exactly the motivation I needed to start getting out of my depression. Re-analyzing what exactly I liked about him made me realize what I valued in life and who I wanted to be as a person. I don’t think that I idealized him too much, it was more like getting to know him restored some of my faith in humanity that I had lost in the months before.
My LO and I both disclosed through texts but went no contact before things got too out of hand. After a year I sent him a message to apologize for (unintentionally) flirting with him and then disclosing (I was the first to disclose). I somehow thought this would reduce my limerence, but it only helped for a little while. He responded kindly that I shouldn’t feel too guilty about things, but of course that NC was best for everyone, which I totally agreed to.
Of course my limerent brain likes to think that he is still thinking about me as much as I think about him. We both change our profile photos every few weeks and they are usually funny, happy photos, including our families and hobbies. I like to think of these photos as a telling a story of the lives that weren’t disrupted by an affair and that makes me happy. There’s no bitterness or sourness involved in my LE, just a bit of sadness and frustration that we can’t play a part in each others lives.
Does your husband knows you’re a cheater? Telling him would be the first step.
What definition of cheater are you using Snowflake? It sounds like Lisa isn’t a cheater to me.
I wouldn’t at all consider myself a cheater. We never even touched and I told my SO about my feelings for my LO soon thereafter. He understood a little as he realized that he hadn’t really been there for me when I needed him. My SO was ok with me contacting my LO after a year as he also hoped that it would help. I just have agreed to not talk about my limerent struggles anymore with my SO as I don’t think it adds anything.
@Lisa,
I identify with every bit of what you said. When my glimmer occurred, it brought to the surface emotions I hadn’t felt since I met my SO over 20 years ago. And nothing is wrong with my marriage (that I can tell); we are still deeply in love.
What you said about LO making you realize what you value in life and who you want to be as a person – that is EXACTLY it. I was journaling recently about this very topic. In a rare moment of feeling that I had completely conquered this LE, I wrote this:
“She represented a version of myself that I had lost. I constantly was in a struggle to be like her and my subconscious confused that with wanting to be WITH her. She represented something deep inside me that I had abandoned long ago. The free-spirited, artistic, edgy, alternative, care-free side of me.”
I wonder if Dr. L has written any about this idea. I’m reminded of the “twin flames” posts to some extent. It’s like we recognize a potential twin flame (one who cannot be our soul mate but who causes a monumental awakening inside ourselves; like we are looking into a mirror of our soul), but our limerent brain confuses the concept of wanting to embrace those feelings with wanting an actual relationship with LO as a person. My LO caused me to identify things about myself that I had either forgotten or had pushed aside as I entered adulthood and started bearing all of the responsibilities that comes with that. LO lives her life the way I wish I lived mine. While I know we probably would have been compatible if there were no barriers to us being together, I shouldn’t confuse the extraordinary impact she has had on my self-awareness with something superficial like desiring an EA or PA with her. I think the temptation to confuse these two concepts exists because introspection is hard work; while simply cultivating emotional/romantic feelings for someone just feels natural (as does an EA or PA, if there is mutual attraction). It’s like we take the path of least resistance. I know I did.
Wow, B! This is exactly what I feel about my LO. She reminds me so much of how I would like to live my life. She enjoys pubs and nightlife and seems to be quite fun-loving in many ways (although there is a serious side to her as well and I’m not saying she is a drunk or anything like that). I believe she is quite active and takes care of herself. I also like the fact that she appears to have a similar background to mine (the country where I was born) and she seems to share at least some musical tastes with me. The fact that I loved the pub where I met her (I really felt like I had found my place the night I met her even before she approached us) and she is a regular there made me think there must be something in common as well. She even shares my love of dogs (although, in all fairness, my wife is also a dog person). In many ways she made me realize what has been missing in my life for so long. She woke me up in so many ways, even if I never see her again as long as I live! I began to focus even more on weight loss, fitness and dressing better, and I realized more than ever that life is too damn short to waste it being miserable, boring and old before my time.
I’m new. I have a long story that I’ll post sooner than later. I’ve been meaning to and I’m not sure what’s holding me back. I can relate so much on this post.
Tell it. It helps. May the force be with you.
This is a fantastic post and if you are limerent and follow these steps to view LO as somebody who is bad for you, I guarantee you will be free from limerence in the near future.
One of the main turning points in my LE when LO let me down, how I felt was in a big way. When confronted he brushed it off like it was nothing and this resulted me spiralling into a dark obsessive path. My reaction was waaay over the stop now I can view it with a clear head. I lost my S*** screamed and cried at him, making me feel even worse about myself. Following the event I was seething for what felt like weeks. I was so hurt that somebody I cared about, somebody who I would have dropped anything for could do that to me.
Once I calmed down, I viewed LO in a very different way. Yes, I was still addicted to the way he previously made me feel but this was the start of my healing. Slowly but surely I began to see more and more of LO’s flaws and the rose tinted glasses started to come off. It did take me quite a while longer to move on fully (with the help of NC) but I do remember this was a critical part in the withdrawal process. Use these negative experiences as a way to train yourself to view LO in a negative way. Good luck everybody
Questions of the Day: “What do you bring to the table and why should your LO care?”
A common thread at LwL is we often foist ourselves upon our LOs. Sometimes they like it, sometimes they don’t. But…
– What do we really offer them?
– Is limerence essentially transactional?
We think we offer them something and we want something (i.e, reciprocation) in return. But, do they really owe us anything (entitlement)?
Ai, good questions again Sharn,
– I would offer him a complicated long distance relationship with a lot of frustration, and of course my obsessive love and fear and wanting him to change.
Hm, never thought of it but that doesnt sound very appealing. Even to me 😀
This gives clarity I must say.
I was completely blind to LO until she foisted herself upon me, albeit unknowingly on her part, ostensibly. I have since determined she is just a flirt, but for whatever reason, it hooked me deeply. Even before I started showing her attention, she consistently put herself in my company unnecessarily and it was quite obvious she had a crush. When I began reciprocating, I became infatuated. Only after I was drowning in my LE did I realize she is not limerent for me, and it was only a harmless crush for her; one of probably 1000 others she has because she is just a flirt.
So to answer your questions, what I brought to the table was flirting with action when she probably only wanted flirting. After it became clear I was besotted, I think she became addicted to the attention I showed her, and I think she probably still is addicted to that. My disclosure certainly did not scare her off. She still comes back for what she gets out of the relationship. So yes, I think it is transactional in theory, but it is not necessarily a two-way street. She keeps getting what she wants (attention), but I do not. Yet I keep giving it to her. It’s like someone standing at a cash register continually paying for goods but not getting them. Or maybe more accurately, a slot machine. I am addicted to the (remote) chance of a jackpot, but the house always wins; I will just end up disappointed and broke (emotionally).
When I was going through some health issues last year, I killed time watching “Game of Thrones” with my kids. All eight seasons worth.
It hit me, I was Jorah Mormont to LO #4’s Daenerys Targaryen. She would never be his, no matter what he said or did. But, he would never give up on her. Bypassing the morality of doing something I shouldn’t have been doing, it wasn’t a role I wanted to play. I’m not that self-sacrificing. I grew up outside Chicago. I want my cut! I suspect had I been in the position to pursue the LE, I think that’s where I’d have ended up.
I was on a lot of drugs at the time so I may re-watch it at some point.
That’s a good question.
What do I offer my LO?
I’m older, mature, intelligent, attractive, witty, personable, successful, and I get along with kids and animals.
What do I not offer her?
Youth. I’m almost twice her age.
What does she offer me?
She’s intelligent and younger.
What does she not offer me?
Personality, success, and wittiness.
I don’t offer my LO anything. I’m a married man, I have a wife who loves me, I have a family, and I’m foolish to think I’d be better off with LO.
Repeat endlessly.
🙂
What do I offer my LO? Ha. Remember when we talked about the attractiveness scale? I’m way higher on it than LO! Superficiality aside, I offer him the fact that he won’t be judged in public for the way I look. But seriously, I am KIND AF, an empath, get along with most and connect with people. I would def meet his emotional needs, if he let me lol
I am fun, witty, one of the coolest gfs he could have…
I am also independent financially and really, could give him enough personal space.
What he offers me? 🤔
••••••
Still thinking…
He’s a great observer of people and the world… notices details others don’t. I dig it. Smart and a great conversationalist. Wouldn’t embarass me in public, good manners, polite…
I almost threw in sex part into the list but I’ve decided he hasn’t been a great lover, it’s my attraction to him that allows me to believe that sex was better than it actually was. Anyway, the sex was so long ago, he’s had it with others since.
Totally agree with the sex thing. I actually think that an ongoing LE accentuates my sexual experience… then in retrospect you realise it wasn’t actually anything THEY did… at least to some degree. I’ve had a genuinely very strong intimate connection with a couple of LOs, but for a couple I was certainly putting on rose tinted glasses BEFORE hopping into bed. (I’m mildly embarrassed that I probably raved at these people about what super lovers they were… as they tended to be the narky ones to begin with…)
Which makes me realise one thing they got from me guaranteed rave reviews of sexual performance!
I have my annual performance appraisal at work tomorrow…with my boss LO. My first since my LE started. Can’t say I am looking forward to it.
On the plus side, I will get one hour of uninterrupted one-on-one time with LO. On the negative side, I must maintain a believable veneer of normal-coworker-that-is-not-completely-infatuated-with-him and focused professionalism for an entire hour….eeek! Should be easier via video call than would have been face-to-face at least. Though not nearly as nice.
This LE is the source of so many contradictions. Sigh.
That’s a tough one. Hope he gives you a good review! 🙂
Contradiction, oh yes.
Good luck Allie! You can pull it of.
How did it go, Allie?
Thanks for the support! It went well…..a good review and all very professional on both sides. I was probably a bit subdued and not quite my usual warm & friendly self so some ruminating and regret over that but am happy overall.
Hi Mia…sadly disclosure just isn’t an option at this point in time…for one thing I would be so totally embarrassed, and we have mutual ‘friends’ on FB, and most of my family is also on there…so if it ever became public knowledge, I don’t know what I would do….plus my friend and I are booked on another tour next year, and there is a possibility that LO could be our tour leader….how embarrassing would that be if he knew, it would totally ruin our holiday….right now, I also have issues with family going on, plus hubby’s illness, so I don’t think I could handle the thought of going completely NC right now….maybe at some point….LO and I are in contact, he sometimes ‘likes’ my posts, plus when I message him he does, occasionally answer my messages, so for now I have to be happy with that….I know that I’m just prolonging the inevitable, maybe the time will be right at some point…..I’m sure LO thinks of me as some weird old lady that wants to be his surrogate gramma, if only that were the case…….maybe it is and I just don’t see it, I sometimes wonder if I’m trying to replace the grandson that we lost a couple of years ago….I’ll have to dig deeper I think….
Hi Maureen,
Your instincts seem pretty good here – disclosure is only going one way and there are almost certainly deeper issues at play. I’m terribly sorry about your grandson, it seems highly likely that is a driver behind your feelings towards this much younger guy. Have you considered online therapy? Some of these sites are very good and allow you to be discreet. It sounds to me that you do indeed need to dig deeper and figure out what role LO is playing for you, as sorry to be blunt, it’s quite clearly all in your mind. Some therapy could be very beneficial.
My LO was far younger than me, and I was shocked by the depth of feeling I had and how inappropriate it was (she was 20 years younger). Eventually it led me here and to therapy in my attempt to figure it out. In my case I believe there were a whole host of reasons that all culminated in a perfect storm, but a large part was me hitting 40 and LO representing my lost youth and a chance again with the beautiful girl I lost at 19 and never got over (they looked very similar), then added to that issues at home with SO, introversion, history of rejection leading to low self-esteem etc, etc. But understanding all of that was enormously helpful in confronting the problem.
Then I went NC to tackle it. For you NC is actually very straightforward, again sorry to be blunt, but this is only happening on Facebook – you can block him with one click. I think it would be worth a try. If something isn’t working and making you unhappy, you need to change it up. Life’s too short.
@Vincent,
The lost youth thing is interesting… its occurred to me too. My LO is male like me and 13 years younger…(42 vs 29) he goes out to gay clubs and bars and garners the sort of attention I did when I was younger… he basically pretty much lives like I did at that age. It seems turbulent when I look at it… he’s also pretty promiscuous (why not? He’s single) which sends my limerent angst through the roof sometimes. But he’s also passing through a phase of life that I feel deeply nostalgic about and one which for me has passed (even if I am rocking middle aged spread :D)… there might also be a bit of a midlife crisis happening…
Its day 2 of NC. I’m already hoping he’ll make contact. Then telling myself off for being a fool.
Hey @Thomas! I am a very (lol) straight middle aged woman but I relate so much about the nostalgia part… I am also very familiar with the gay culture (or subculture) as many of my friends are LGBT. But put aside the sexual preferences, it is definitely my experience as well that when we look at our younger LOs we sense that generational divide… they are where we were some years ago. That time has passed for us and it adds the extra layer of sadness. Kwim?
Yeah nostalgia is right @Thomas. I’d maybe go further in my case and say that I had a deep yearning for the past, for a time when I was young and free to do what I wanted. It was almost as if as soon as I turned 39, the countdown started to the end of my youth and then the LE kicked in… hard.
LO, just 19 then, seemed to offer a glimpse of this past, one last chance to taste it. When I was with her and she treated me like someone her own age, I could forget that I was married with two kids, a mortgage, car loans, credit card bills etc anchoring me down. She made me feel young again.
Dr L has written about limerence and mid-life crisis and I read a lot about the concept. Of course I was a pretty classic case. In a way it helped, and knowing it would pass was a useful reminder. Roll forward 2-3 years and it has. That yearning isn’t there so much and I’m more accepting of my situation and of course the LE has all but died out.
Hi Vincent. Yes you are quite right, it is all in my mind, and I will try to find some on line therapy sites to help me dig deeper into what’s happening in my mind…..it all seems so unreal, as I have always been a very ‘down to earth’ person…..as it was for you, it could be a host of issues, creating the perfect storm…..NC just isn’t possible right now, I just couldn’t do it…especially if LO ends up as our tour guide next year…(if the tour ever happens given the world situation right now, we had to postpone once already, last May) and he always askes how hubby is doing with the kidney failure, and if he is well………but after digging deeper to see if I can find out what’s going on, and how this all came about, perhaps I will be able to hit that ‘unfriend’ button…….the irony of all this is that I worked for thirty years in psych nursing…..never encountered anything like this though……oh boy.
Maureen it seems your brain thinks that your LO is the keeper of happiness, and there is no happiness in your life anywhere else.
The thing is…you aren’t really happy…you are just feeding an addiction that gives you a pseudo-happiness. It’s true of all of us limerents when we are actively in a limerent episode.
But if we let go…unfriend, go no contact…we go through horrible withdrawals and then we start to find sources of happiness that aren’t related to LO. And it comes from within instead of from a human that we have a very unhealthy relationship with.
You can let go! You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to reclaim your life and dignity and self respect. We are all cheering you on.
Hi Jadeux. I came across a quote a little while back that said “don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket” and that seems to be so true for us limerents………I’m not sure that I could handle the horrible withdrawals right now though, I have so many other ‘family’ things going on, including two grown granddaughters (sister’s)both with Marfan’s and both recently diagnosed with thoracic aneurisms, both with small children; plus hubby’s kidney failure….. So I really don’t want to pile on the extra stress of going NC for the time being anyway…..it is something that I may be able to manage once things settle down….I am curious as to how many of us actually manage to maintain the NC permanently the first time, and how many have had relapses?……I’m sure I would relapse at least one, maybe more.
Hi Maureen – most of us relapse in one way or another. NC is tough mentally, but nothing worth achieving is had easily. I know lots of us sound like NC evangelists but that’s only because it works.
In my case I couldn’t go NC initially because we worked together, but then the universe transpired to change that just in the nick of time and she left. We fell out in her final days and so NC was quite straightforward after that. 3 months later the anger had gone, and I felt guilty about how things had ended. A couple of people hinted to me that she’d be keen to make up. So I texted her…. and her reply was pretty brutal.
So the relapse was brief but I was annoyed with myself for giving in. But, she effectively sniffed out any lingering hope with her reply and so I then doubled down on my recovery as a result. In a way the relapse was a useful signpost on the road to improvement and I learnt a valuable lesson.
Why don’t you try a few small steps? Unfollow him for a week, see how it feels. Then next time 10 days, etc.
@Maureen,
Vincent is dead right. Build the option to relapse in a longer term plan. Commit to ever increasing periods of NC. Once its finally done, you’ll know. But for most of us ‘never contacting LO again’ is a very stressful nerve wracking concept. So make realistic plans to complete the task. Better to be a little bit timid at first and set achievable goals than be unrealistically heroic and feel guilty when you can’t keep it up. Good luck.
To clarify by ‘build the option to relapse’ I mean plan ‘will only contact LO twice this week’.
You’re acknowledging that NC isn’t realistic at that stage, but you’re planning how much youre ‘allowed to relapse’. That’s how I think of the process.
Hi Thomas and Vincent…hi everyone….thank you for you suggestions, that sounds like a plan that I may be able to stick to….baby steps to begin with….not sure a week would work to begin with, right now I can barely manage a couple of hours away from the computer…but I message him only once a week or week and a half, as I don’t want him to feel as if I’m annoying him……….it’s always on some flimsy excuse, such as , ‘hubby wants to know if you guys are managing ok’ etc…..and I usually get a polite reply, sometimes he asks if hubby is well, of course the boy has no idea what’s going on in my mind……mostly I just check to see if he’s posted anything, same as I do with my other grandkids…..and if he comes on line, I usually log off….,,,,but yes, baby steps might work….I know, I need to get a life, but options are limited for ‘old people’, especially right now….sigh.
So, I don’t know where to put this but maybe someone will read and offer thoughts. I am on the tail end of LO#3. By far the most intense yet. The other two I got over quickly. I’ve read everything on this site and Neurosparkle and both are incredibly helpful. I stopped reaching out to my LO about a year ago. We are both in a friend group that meets about once a month and I have pulled back from that as well. About every two months or so my LO will reach out, plan something and then bail. I have gotten progressively more strict about blocking her as much as I can. She’s on restricted status so she can’t see my fb stuff nor can I see hers. But I do make public posts every now and then ( I keep my boss restricted too just bc privacy) and she’s always one of the first to like or comment or whatever. I blocked her from calling me but stupidly this weekend I checked my blocked messages and surprise, it had been almost 2 months to the day, and she’d called. I KNEW I should leave it but I was weak. Of course she wanted to meet. I felt awful, I didn’t want to go but didn’t know how to say no either so I agreed and yesterday, no surprise, she bailed yet again. I haven’t answered her text with her lame reasons for bailing, and my question is what to do now? I am hesitant to just completely block her and not say why bc that feels like ghosting at the same time I know whatever I say, I have no control of how it lands, or what she might tell the others in our group. I guess the first option is the best? I think she’s using me for a hit of whatever, just to see if I’m still here? And it feels bad and at this point I just want her to leave me the f alone. Complicating things is I am married to a fabulous man and not out as bi to anyone irl other than him and my 2 closest friends. It feels really bad to be having these feelings with such a great partner. I do have a super supportive online community and I am 100 days sober, so getting tons of awesome support there. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.
You are standing at a crossroad. What you do behind your “fabulous” and “great” partner’s back matters.
Why is it more rude to “ghost” her than it is to emotionally check out on the person to whom you made legal commitments? Not only that, she is flaky so do you REALLY believe it will make a difference? She bails on people despite agreeing to see them. Feel free to block her, your boss, former drinking buddies, anyone who pulls you down or backwards from your goals.
“didn’t know how to say no either”
Yes, you do. To whom do you owe the most honesty?
100 days of sobriety is a great start. Congratulations! Now go ahead and restart the clock on not responding to your LO. You have more than enough on your plate without the complications of undermining your marriage.
Oof. You’re right. This was exactly what I needed to hear. And I don’t know why I’m worried about ghosting. May have a little to do with wanting to have the last word? I have a habit of retreating instead of saying why I’m upset. But in this case I’m sure it’s better to leave it. Thanks for responding.
@Liz,
Totally get ‘wanting to have the last word.’
But I have found it very helpful to let my LO have the last word before I went NC, because it eliminated my need for a response to whatever my ‘last word’ had been. Which I think most of us know is such a painful feeling – when the message thread ends with our message and a long silence from LO.
Also for my part – I had to face the fact that my LO would sometimes leave our online conversations mid-flow only to randomly pick back up a week or two later… which is WTF?
…@Lee makes the point much better though.
But yeah. ‘Needing to have the last word’ is one of my limerent traps – even with a blatantly flakey LO (who as you suggest about your LO is probably only present for their own gratification when they want attention and you’re a reliable source when their own romantic lives are going through a quiet patch).
Don’t feel bad for giving in to LO, those kind of things tend to happen. As long as it’s a temporary setback and you can keep on working on the long term, a little slip here and there is to be expected.
I also personally come from dealing with a very shaky LO in regards of comunications, and, in my case, focusing on their lack of respect in their behavior has worked a lot in making me feel empowered about keeping NC and not giving in contacting them, so it may work on you too. I mean, if you are so unimportant to her that she doesn’t care about cancelling plans with you at the last minute on a regular basis, why should you have to be the one pulling the cart of the relationship? Ghosting and blocking is always something very rude to do, so I get that you feel bad for doing it, but in your case I can see how even in a non-limerence context someone can grow very tired of having to deal with your LO antics. If you want to avoid as much drama as possible maybe try to ignore her and give non-committal answers to her meeting plans and let the relationship slowly die. If she keeps insisting, well, I don’t see any other way besides blocking or ghosting her.
Thanks this helps. I think I do need to block so I’m not tempted to respond. Seems like the safest way. Appreciate your response.
A deep and heavy sadness set back in today, after 10 days being absent. Seems to have blown through the prozac defences. Sitting here again with a few fucking twigs in my hand, waiting for the next goddamn wave to come crashing over my head. Limerence sucks. Better to guard yourself against falling in love, folks. Nip it in the bud, especially if it is the variety that is obviously unlikely to work from the get-go. Who needs that shit, really. LO just goes on happily with her life, while I sit here a sweaty, tormented soul, castigating my every move. I carry on with NC, like a prisoner on death row carries on eating.
Sorry, that was a poor analogy. There are often reprieves for death row inmates. Such is the loose state of my mind today.
A little message from little old me who was once stuck in a limerence hole which was so deep in thought I would never pull myself out.
Well, it’s true, I can say I’m pretty much over my LO. He sent a message a few weeks back which I was pondering what to reply (if would). Life got in the way until only today I found the message and realised I forgot to reply. It just didn’t interest me and slipped my mind.
Please stay NC if you can. I feel so content and happy. I honestly go about my life with such joy becuase I am no longer a prisoner inside my own mind. It feels like my limerent self was a completely different person and that who I am today is who I really am. The thought of going back to the lows of limerence haunt me some what. I still see glimmers in people but thats fine. It’s kind of funny now when I notice it happen.
This is so great Rachel! I remember you writing about your struggles not so long ago. It gives hope to read about recoveries! Awesome!
So so happy for you.
Seems like you’re not only on the other side but you learned and developed.
Hurray for the one who made it!
We hopefully will all follow in your footsteps Rachel.
🦾💥
That is wonderful to hear Rachel…..love the forgetting to respond. Who would have believed that was possible a few months ago. Your post is very inspiring.
Not sure where to put this, so I’ll just write it at the end here….I managed to go nine whole days without sending LO a message, but tonight I relapsed and messaged him….now I feel so sad…..I have been following him on Facebook, but managed to go this long without sending a message…darn, now I have to start all over again….sigh.
Don’t feel sad Maureen! No contact takes often takes a few relapses before it sticks. You will go for longer next time. Congrats on starting!
Yeah, agree with Jaideux here. Managing to stick to NC for a whole week in your first attempt is actually pretty good, so congrats!
9 days is like 9 years in limerence years! So be proud as fudge Maureen. Don’t be hard on yourself, you are fighting against nature forces so powerful, but you are winning!
I’ll add to the chorus of support, Maureen!
One thing to bear in mind: next time you feel the temptation to contact LO, remember how you feel right now. Relapses do not give us the relief we hope for – they usually make us feel worse in the long run – so try and really anchor that knowledge in your mind so you can bolster your resistance next time.
Thank you Dr L. and everyone, for the encouraging words…..I think I’m sad more because LO let me know that he and his SO will be staying permanently in OZ, seeing that there’s no work in the tourism business in Europe. So they are putting down roots, figuratively and literally….(he sent me pics of the garden that they’re putting in) which I can certainly understand, and I wish them well….but it kind of dims the chances of ever seeing him again, although I’m not sure I would want to, given what happened the last time around….sad as well that I broke the NC , but I will try again….and see if I can go longer this time…of course I guess I am cheating, seeing that I still follow him on social media….but baby steps I guess may work…..Rachael, that’s great that you are doing so well, you are an inspiration to us all x
Thank you Dr. L for the reminder to resist the temptation to make contact. I can completely understand how this would be a major setback especially if recovery was goin going well. I appreciated Mia’s advice to not get my hopes up that I’ve found a solution to limerence or letting go of LO, and someone else suggested small goals for NC such as 1-3 days which is exactly where I’m having to start. Maureen we can start again and we will survive just as we did before. I’m so sorry it hurts.
I’ve been stalking this blog and comments for months. You have all kept me sane in the midst of insanity! I never experienced limerence until a year ago. I was/am the LO for a man I work with. He pursued me like I have never been pursued by any man. Love bombing at it’s finest on every level. I In turn became limerent for him. I stumbled on this blog trying to figure out what the heck had happened to me! Such obsession! It’s settled down for both of us, but we see each other and or text almost daily. It’s never been physical but we have been flirting with that recently. I left my SO for reasons unrelated to LO. However, LO made me feel seen, beautiful and wanted more than my SO has ever done. I became limerent for LO 2 right after I left SO. An old friend I’ve known for a very long time. I’m not limerent for him anymore and have little contact although we are still friends and text once in awhile. It was physical with him. I’m terrified that this will always be my life! I don’t know how to let go of LO 1. I know I will have to at some point. He is much younger and married. I also have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with him. I don’t understand myself in this whole thing. It’s not my character and yet it must be. I have no intention of giving him up at this point. I thought LO 2, being an alpha would enable me to give LO 1 up. That thinking isn’t even rational! In my delusional mind LO 2 was more powerful than LO 1. How come I don’t think I’m powerful enough! UGH! Why I can’t I bethis way with my SO??? I don’t think LO 1 even knows about limerence. Indon’t want this to be my life! Due to the nature of our jobs I can’t go NC with him. I feel like I’ve lost my mind! I’m in counseling but my counselor doesn’t understand this. So, I guess this is my way of introducing myself and my LE’s. So far only 2 and thats 2 to many. I want off this roller coaster! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of you. You are raw and vulnerable and honest and funny. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
Not a fan, your all over the place irrational mind is so relatable.
What helped me a lot is work on my self asteem, the book the 6 pillars of self asteem is my Bible. It has practical exercises, and it knocked LO from his pedestal, (just recently)
(” Yes I think you are amazing but so am I “) and I journal like a maniac. I even kept 2 journals at one point. I wrote everything down, everything I felt . I think limerence has a link with unexpressed emotions so I let everything be there.
Well I’m not even sure you wanted advise but here we are 😀
If we can do anything for you just let us know
Welcome to the club!
There’s so many good posts/articles on this site… so there’ll be plenty of stuff (as I’m sure you’ve seen) for all flavours of the craziness.
Tbh, when you think about the feelings for an LO, are they REALLY the sort of feelings that would work with an SO? I mean everybody is different, but this chaotic intensity that is so familiar to many limerent experiences often isn’t the best foundation for a fully rounded relationship.
For example – you ask why you feel powerless. Feeling powerless can be lots of things, but it’s not the frame of mind to enter an intimate relationship with, is It? Though it can certainly serve its purposes in other types of relationship…
Thomas,
What a club to find yourself in! It is nice to read perspectives from men also. Thank you for sharing. You’re right on the intensity. There is no well rounded in this and it wouldn’t work with my SO. I don’t think this works with anyone other than LO. Not that work is the right term, but you get it since you live it. 🙃 I’m trying to work on my feeling powerless. It’s amazing to me how this one area affects everything else. It’s better than it was, I just want normal back, whatever that is. Thank you!
My word.. I’ve been stalking this blog..
Awww you’re in … lol! Well I am sure you’ll find some post that will help you & good luck.
I do agree with What you said all the raw , vulnerable & honest funny side to limerence mind.
It’s the way we are made & we are working on change.Hopefully you’ll find the insights & help .Always keep your sense of humour, You’re funny.
Lazybones,
Love the name! Thank you so much. We are in this together and what a resource! I am in! Oh gosh!
Bring it! I’m ordering that book. I used to journal daily. Seems like with all the chaos I stopped. I will journal and hope it helps me. Thank you Mia!
Chicster, yes we must simply resolve to to do better next time….it may take me a while though, I have already relapsed after 1 day, it was just to wish LO’s fiancé a happy birthday, but a relapse never the less……sigh
Same here. The confusion begs for relief but alas none to be found by making contact.
‘The confusion begs for relief but alas none to be found by making contact.’
I need that on a mug! 😀
I just heard this again, and it got me thinking of this talk of limerent entitlement:
PWR BTTM: Answer my text
https://youtu.be/FnGEtfHX3D8
😀
Yep Thomas that would be accurate haha. I would like to be the one to practice not answering! If there was a next time with this LO which I doubt.
Ha! Yes Chicster…
Awful though isn’t it… I think sometimes I’d text like ‘Hey, how are you?’ Then spend hours becoming increasingly irritated, distracted, sad or all three.
My most vivid memory was going to see a band I really like(like one of my faves) with my SO at the time and friends and being completely mentally absent because I was ‘owed’ a text.
That’s all I remember of that night, and I had to hold my tongue and keep civil because I was so angry and annoyed. I smiled through it.
Weirdly writing that down I realise how utterly sad that is… the potential of a memorably brilliant night completely sullied because LO hadn’t told me how he was doing.
I never want to do that again.
Oh Thomas I feel for you. I know exactly what you mean…a return text, (or in my case a return message, I don’t text), a simple ‘like’ on a post, or even knowing that a post has been ‘seen’ can change my mood for the whole day….it gives me some kind of warped validation that LO knows that I exist…..of course I ignore the fact that he ‘likes’ or messages so many other people as well………I managed to go 9 days again, without finding a flimsy excuse to send a message, but relapsed tonight because I put ‘happy birthday’ to my SO on social media, and LO messaged me to say ‘Please tell hubby I said happy birthday’. Of course i just had to reply. so there I go once again, breaking my no contact pledge…….sigh
9 days is great work though Maureen! Make it 10+ this time and you’re moving on the right direction…
Or have you attempted to get into a conversation?
It’s blimmin’ hard! My LO really seems to have got the message- I.e. he hasn’t messaged me and it’ll be 3 weeks NC tomorrow.
Though last night felt a real pit in my stomach as his face kept popping into my mind as I attempted to sleep, leaving me feeling sad. Sleep didn’t come easy and I’ve woken early, grumpy. If he’d texted last night I’m sure I’d have been a fallen man!
Good luck!
Of course as we know its not the text we crave its the hormones.
And not getting the fix, … nothing , literary nothing could make me happy at that moment. I could have won a billion dollars and still be upset. Vice versa also, when LO reached out, my house could burn down and I would stand next to it smiling.
Its so crazy the force of hormones.
Dont be hard on yourself Maureen, of course you answered, it would even be a little weird when you would not answer. ( althou you have the right dont get me wrong) I think you not reaching out again is what you want?
@ Mia,
Or if my house burned down I’d probably think – well this is a good enough reason to text LO!
‘Dear LO, my house just burned down. Anyways, how are you?’
Or Thomas:
“I won a billion dollar, will you fu*king finally love me goddamned, how are you? “
I don’t either! Like waiting for water to boil…
Oh, ha,ha,ha…Mia that is too funny, but so true….a billion dollars may even blur the 32-76 year age gap, at least for a little while, ha,ha,ha…
Yes, Thomas, this time I’ll try for 10 days or maybe more if I can’t come up with a flimsy excuse to message LO…(I am kind of cheating because I still follow him my every waking minute almost on social media)…..I did try to keep the lines of communication open by asking a question when I replied, but of course didn’t get an answer…these 30 somethings, don’t seem to have the same ‘etiquette’ as us oldies do, when it comes to responding to correspondence…..just a different generation I guess (sorry 30 year olds)…but of course why would he respond to an old lady, unless I really was his gramma….he did send pics of his new garden though….when I asked how it was doing. Big hugs to everyone (((((HUGS)))))) I feel so badly that I can’t give anyone sage advice, isn’t that what the elderly are supposed to do….not end up in this absurd limerence boat……thank goodness for this site…
I have reached that point in recovery where you’ve gone from lingering uncertainty to flat-out disbelief that you were played. Surely this has come around as a result of NC on the part of LO but also from a convo I had with my SO about how compliments from other men affect me so much that it scares me. My SO replied that while everyone likes compliments, men have an agenda when directed toward women they know are married. I asked him to explain, and he let me in to the mind of a man given to playing the game.
I have been such a bloody idiot. I got played in the biggest display of duplicitous love-bombing I’ve seen since my first narcissistic LO. Now instead of feeling hurt I just feel embarrassed. Thankfully I’ve been catapulted, at least for now, into self-directed, blessed NC and increased affection for my dear SO who is the one actually here fighting for me. Until the next roller coaster I am yours—Chicster.
Chicster,
I am single, and all of my LO’s have been too, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t played by them. Something about me made them determined to love bomb me into limerence, they must sense that they would get the sweet sweet reward of abject devotion once I am hooked, and with no real strings attached. It embarrasses and INFURIATES me to think about it, the times I tried to escape, the disclosure in hopes of either reciprocation or their distancing to “help” me get over them, but no…they double downed on keeping me captive if I ever tried to escape. There were a couple of honorable ones that let me escape, but the fact that they love bombed me in the beginning with no real intent of follow through makes them actually a little less than honorable, really.
I am determined that never, ever, ever will I get on that roller coaster again. I am going to demand transparency and accountability and if things look ambiguous after a reasonable amount of time I am running for my life. I may be vulnerable but I am no longer stupid.
Amen to that.
There’s a show on Netflix called “My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” and in one episode (Season Three I think), the heroine sings a song, blaming the male love interest Josh (her LO?) for everything she’s done over the course of their interaction. She admits he asked her for nothing. She’s the one chasing him. But still he made her dance like a puppet because of a smile here and a wink there. Has a painful ring of truth about it – this is a pretty good albeit comic depiction of fictional limerence.
Jaideux thank you so much for sharing. It helps tremendously to know that I’m not alone. I feel infuriated and embarrassed as well that I have allowed this to happen many times in my life. I tried reading about traits that make one vulnerable to being played so I could learn from this. Of course insecurity and neediness are a recurring theme. Clearly I need to focus my energies on healing those issues over resenting LO, the player. LO finally allowed me to escape after initially insisting that I wasn’t being played. I am dumbfounded that I can believe lies so well and that, as Sammy said, believing the lies turned me into a puppet. I just wanted them to be true so much.
I relate to this so deeply. Particularly the sense of entitlement I feel when my LO fails to respond in the timeframe I think is acceptable. My story is long and I’ve never shared it publicly but I will here. This site has been a source of great comfort. I’ve long thought that these feelings were a sign of something dark and scary and unique…obviously not! Well, it can be scary at times but i don’t feel as alone reading the posts and comments here. In fact the concept of limerance has provided a framework and a language for me to explain this mess of emotions. I’m addicted to a person…and I have been for a very long time.
I am not sure when my limerance actually began. MY LO and I were dating non-exclusively for almost a year. Through that time, I became increasingly panicked and anxious about the uncertainty that seemed to define the entire relationship. The highs were so high and the lows were appalling. Every night we weren’t together I was sure he was with someone else and it broke me (he had every right to be). I expressed my deeper feelings for him a couple of times and was met with ‘I like you but am not in a place to have a relationship right now’. He was emotionally unavailable – having broken up with an ex that year. He broke it off with me eventually and I was heartbroken and went completely no contact. It felt powerful and I started to gain some perspective and control..but the three months later, after running into each other, we started a relationship again.
Whilst I initially thought that equality had been corrected by the vows of commitment, the labels and the reduced stress about ‘uncertainty’…what really seemed to be happening was mutual limerance. Both of us would get upset about communication…replying to texts as soon as they were read was mandatory. As the relationship wore on I was highly anxious….always convinced that my affection for him far out weighed his…that he would leave me. I absolutely adored him but he infuriated me. I developed an incredibly anxious attachment style and he a very avoidant one. We failed to meet each others needs…well I felt that I was constantly trying to please him and I felt deprioritised all the time. Very people pleasing behaviour that I have since started therapy to address. We broke up after about a year.
We went 6 months or so without contact and it killed me. I was depressed and despite being no contact, he was never far from my thoughts…i thought of him every day.
Then we rekindled a friendship…my limerance was reignited and now I am stuck (one year on) in a terrible purgatory of my own making. It started with almost constant contact. Every day. I don’t think there has been a day in that entire year that he has not texted me. It has been incessant. But it has also been heartbreaking. Every mention of him dating someone new feels like a purposeful stab. No one has worked out (yet) but the fact that he is trying to find someone new is awful. And yet, I hang in there, unable to set him loose. I helped him move, he brings me gifts and cakes, we pick each other up from the airport, he borrows my car, I am friends with his friends still…I do things for him in the hope that it will rekindle his initial feelings for me. I almost want him to choose me because no one else worked out. It’s awful. and it has not worked.
Now I am suffering the sourness of limerance gone bad. Hours that go by between texts feel very deliberate (a pattern set up in our previous relationship). I feel resentful that he has emerged from our relationship seemingly unscathed and unconcerned about me. I am trying to pull away (as suggested on this site) and am downcast when it’s met by mutual distance from him. And now even the texting is starting to wane. And it terrifies me. I know going no contact is the right thing to do but I’m terrified of getting the affirmation that people here have talked about – I’m scared that I’ll be right – I’m scared that the voice inside my head that says ‘he does not care about you and he never ever wants to be with you again’ will be confirmed by his cold acceptance of no contact.
Hey Over it,
Welcome! You’re aware that your feelings are not completely unique! There’s a lot of people who visit this site who will recognise so much of what you are talking about.
NC sounds sensible. I’m now a few weeks in and yes, the fact that LO hasn’t been begging to stay in touch and instead has simply gone off and been getting on with things is sometimes heartbreaking. I myself (coincidentally!) Had a whole thing yesterday ruminating about LO finding nobody and settling for me in the end. How lucky I would be to be last man standing!
LEs are tough. There are moments of intense pleasure and stimulation and also commonly agonising pain and insecurity when they involve unavailable, unwilling, or simply incompatible LOs.
Lots to read on here as you can see. Take a look around.
Ouch! I actually winced a bit reading your post. Just thinking havingto see LO bounce from date to date while still having feelings for them and having to keep the charade of friendship… that’s a really painful story, Over.
Agree with Thomas in that NC it’s probably what will go better for you mentally. And yeah, it hurts a lot to realize how little we matter to them (two months now since we last spoke and my last message to her is still marked as unread), so maybe try to reframe the situation and think of it as a chance to win your life back. In fact, I’d even say that him going progressively cold is a blessing in disguise: that way you can quietly go into NC and avoid much drama.
Here’s hoping that you can pull it! And welcome!
Over it, thank you for sharing your story here. It has been a lifeline for me to return here and to turn to the compassionate training of Dr. L in his course. I’m so glad you found this site.
LEs ARE tough, as Thomas said. I have known how little I mattered for about a month, and while I’m having moments of freedom now that I’ve implemented some of the steps I’ve learned from Dr. L and others here, I do believe this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Yesterday I journaled something that helped. “When I was 43, I had my heart broken.” Reading it in black and white and helped with realizing what has happened, taking responsibility for my part in it (my positive and open response to LO) and the beginning of acceptance of reality (it’s over.)
It sucks to come to this realization! And for me, it is too incredibly painful to even think about LO being in a relationship or being anything, frankly, without me. This is all fantasy of course and terribly inappropriate since I have an SO. But because I am so embarrassed for being hung up on LO, and I identify so much with what Jaideux said, “…the fact that they love bombed me in the beginning with no real intent of follow through makes them actually a little less than honorable, really,” I HAVE to block LOs contacts because the silence I hear while meanwhile he has every opportunity to contact me is deafening. I will never have the closure I think I deserve out of my own limerent entitlement, but I don’t think I want to know the honest answers to some of my questions any way since deep down I know he didn’t care.
Hang in there. Your broken heart is seen and heard.
@Chicster and Jaideux and Over it. I agree love-bombing is a confusing trait some people have. Why do they do that? Do they love-bomb everyone? Is it their modus operandi at the start of every friendship? Do they see it as part and parcel of being a good person? Two out of three LOs love-bombed me, and I fell for it. Big gestures as easy to confuse with authentic emotion and/or serious dating intentions.
The chemical cocktail of limerence obviously (to my mind) pressures the sufferer to prioritize pro-mating behaviour (with LO) over all other activities, and this is understandable. Without that extra pressure, I guess mating (and reproduction) may not occur at all, may occur at a later age, or may occur with someone who is not chosen at random (less chance of genetic diversity in offspring). Still, it’s horrible to experience all that “pressure” inside one’s head and not be sure what’s going on at the time.
Sorry for sounding like Mr Spock. The biological “logic” behind “feelings that at first glance seem completely illogical” fascinates me. It fascinates me limerence is weirdly rational i.e. it promotes mating with a preferred mate. The only trouble is “preferred mate” may find whole exercise tiresome after a while, or may want to bond with somebody else.
Back here this evening,
‘They don’t owe you anything, you haven’t been cheated, you’ve made the decision to try and wrestle the situation into one in which they behave in the way that you want. That way lies madness.’
Very helpful words when trying to keep a lid on it..!
Every time my LO was ambiguous (we spoke mainly on whatsapp audio or texts) about how he felt or meeting again, I would unleash in anxiety , verbally insultinh him and asking him to be clear. And he came back talking to me every time even after these events… Even meeting and kissing . It did lead me to making up a fake profile to stalk him on a dating app and finlly this fake profile began harrasing him.
Just cause it was a manipulative technique. When he felt harassed by the fake profile, he would come to me asking for help and I had my fix that way. Wow… I am out of it now, 6 days NC still anxious and in therapy but getting slowly better, recovering my life. That anger …. I am still in shock
The point about entitlement really hit home. My LO has left me on delivered for days. It was a conversation he started. I just about went mad. No matter that if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have been bothered that they didn’t continue a casual, trivial conversation. But with him all I constantly think of is “WHY didn’t he reply back? How DARE he?”
Limerence truly does a number on your brain. I’m glad I found this website.
s,
This is definitely one of the most frustrating parts of limerence for me as well. I know where I stand, what the outcome will be and why it is happening but I cannot stop the obsessive picking apart of every convo. The anxiety of waiting for a return text or that chance to bump into them for a conversation.
These feeling just come from inside me.
I could not handle texting with my LO and she reciprocated and initiated a lot of chit chat texting with me. But ultimately texting is such a poor form of communication, and so addicting, that I became neurotic about it. Checking for texts, planning out my texts, trying to read into the meaning of this comment or that. I was always more conversational than my LO so texting was always a disappointment with her. She just never reciprocated any meaningful conversation with me, she tended to text thought fragments a lot.
Ultimately our texting has ended which has stabilized my mood quite a bit, but we still enjoy a very warm and friendly in person relationship. Just for point of reference, my LO seems to have some level of mutual attraction to me but is not limerent.
The hot/cold stuff is a beating as well. We spent a lot of Friday together joking and playing with each other. She then set up another outing to drink texting me a bunch asking my opinion on where to go and who to invite. I sat next to her, we talked and laughed for three hours. I met her sister. Hugged and went home. Today, I tried to joke but only got a weak “hey”. Almost no conversation. No, “I had fun”. Only that she wished she had a chance to talk with someone else more and that she has a “friend crush” on this woman. Ruined my day. Sometimes I’m sure she cares about me others I just think I am some random co-worker. I’m ready for this to be over because I know I’m not seeing anything clearly and it just ends up hurting.
I’m admittedly not one hundred percent sure but I think it’s more likely than not a most recent LO of mine is some kind of a con artist. I’ve never personally met the man but he has accounts on a couple of social media websites and has shared videos of himself on one of them.
One major reason that he attracted my interest to start with (back in April I think) was because he claimed that he was going through difficulties with overcoming heroin addiction.
I wanted to try to help/show support as after certain stuff he shared couldn’t help getting worried about him (as I’ve got some awareness of this issue and know somebody offline who has been through it).
While there were a couple of little things that raised slight warning bells in my head regarding stuff he shared online, I ended up ignoring them as wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
However, more recently (since I deliberately chose to start making a thing to pay more attention to negatives rather than just seeming positives about him) it’s really started to hit me that certain story aspects of his apparent recovery journey are questionable on top of those initial small warning bells. When it’s come to a couple of more recent videos he’s shared I find them especially suspect.
Again I can’t be a hundred percent sure but I seriously wouldn’t be surprised at this point if his whole drug recovery story was made up just to gain views and resulting money. Just this being in my head has been enough to make me want to have no more to do with him at this point (before, because he struck me as genuinely vulnerable and a nice person making that choice was tough). While this isn’t something that I’d wish on anyone going through limerence struggles, in this instance it’s certainly made it easier for me to choose to go the no contact route than it would have been otherwise.
Finally found this site after searching the web during my 4 month (and counting) long-distance LE. Now on day 15 of NC and have bargained myself into sending LO a neutral Easter message. I had finally broken down and let him know of my unrealistic expectations and he finally told me he’s not interested. I denied that my interest was romantic but I think he saw through my emotional outburst. I told him nicely I was going NC but it was a bit spur-of-the-moment and I didn’t really say goodbye. The rejection was necessary and I think I might be getting over him – but I feel the need to let him know that it wasn’t that big of a deal to me and that I can be neutrally friendly. Talk me out of it? 😜
Trifles
I at one time thought that was possible in my case as well. She was a former co-worker and when she left the job I in vague ways (maybe even subconscious) pleaded for her to stay. I know I leaked all my feelings all over the office the last day she was there. We both have connections to contact each other either way be it by phone or online. She chooses not to reconnect. And that tells me that she has reason whether it is to save me from myself or whatever other reason.
Back when she first left I did think we could go on to be friends even if we weren’t working at the same place. But further down the road from her leaving I realized it wasn’t possible because I hadn’t gotten over all the feelings she made me feel. Now a year and half down the road I know that it is impossible. It’s not fair to my wife and it’s not fair to her. She is now in a committed relationship and I always was in a committed relationship. I tried to surf the waves of opposite sex friendship and crashed in the waves. So I am not going to go surfing again I don’t think.
Adam, thank you for your insight. “She chooses not to reconnect. And that tells me that she has reason whether it is to save me from myself or whatever other reason.”
I intellectually know that I don’t mean anything to him. This LE has been based almost solely on texting. We met abroad briefly, I almost instantly felt the glimmer but was too shy to do anything about it. Then we had good reason to come into contact. After that, contact (texting) has been almost solely been instigated by me. The problem is we often have great banter, so he gets into it at times, and the more I get to know him, the more he intrigues me. I know I was in a place where I really needed the attention – but the funny thing is, he doesn’t give me enough, sometimes the bare minimum. I thought I was in control, but I’m clearly not… I’m just glad I found this site to see that I’m not alone.
Hi Trifles, Adam is like our “first responder” for new posters.
Firstly, well done on the NC. I’m not sure your relationship status, but if your LO is married and you had clear rejection from him, then I think you know it and you need to make yourself your no.1 priority.
In your other post it seems like you enjoy the thrill of the flirty texting and drawing men in which I’m sure your LO enjoyed, but he doesn’t actually care about you, or at least the way you want him to. There is a mismatch of expectations it seems.
On the message question, I would say you don’t owe your LO anything, and contacting him again after your last encounter may be counter productive to what you want to achieve. Consider the ‘ what ifs’ …
So what if he doesn’t reply to your Easter message? that will probably make you feel worse and you will regret sending it as it makes you look needy. Or he replies with some emoji, like a thumbs up. I suspect you will feel the same as above. He replies with ‘Happy Easter’. Ok, great , neutral territory . But can you honestly leave it at that, wouldn’t you then be tempted to start bantering again and you are back to square one.
And is bantering meeting your real needs anyway. It’s fun but if you are seeking real connection and attention it’s not going to fulfil that for you and it seems online bantering is all your LO would ever offer you.
I’m probably not the best to advise but I really do understand.
Best wishes
Hi Trifles. Building on what Adam and IMHO have said, it seems your LO has an SO, and you do not? This is a huge barrier, assuming LO is into you, so it may make sense to disengage. The back and forth of text messaging can cause much distress – it has to me in the past. So now I try and go easy on the messaging. Try and see if you can not text for a couple of days, you should feel better. Good luck!
ABCD, (not sure which Reply button to use, so let’s see if this goes in the right place)
Texting definitely has given me major highs and lows. And it’s the only way we communicate, so should be easy to stop, right? 😜
I had one LE almost 15 years ago (when I didn’t know what LE’s were), and for some reason I look back on it almost admiringly (like: I was that much in love!), although it was mostly agony. If I were to analyse myself I might say I think I don’t deserve any more than a mostly one-sided situation. I had LO1 in the back of my mind when I fell into this LE, but I still couldn’t hold back. In between these two LOs, I’ve been with my SO and started a family. But that relationship has felt dead for years, and I feel like I’m barely hanging on anymore. So no wonder I finally fell into a LE. I thought I could keep it light and even fooled LO (and maybe myself) into thinking it was just a friendship … But we know where that ends!
Great website so thank you for that.
Looking for some input. Sorry for the length. I thought it would just be a couple small paragraphs but it never turns out that way. Lol.
Been in a LE for 3 months with a co-worker. All the signs of limerence are there except I am happiest when I don’t see her. I am so relieved when I make it through the day without bumping into her. The thing is, when I interact with her, it calms me down and the vast majority of out interactions are positive, yet I still dread running into her. I guess I just want things to go back to the way they were before this when I was actually happy.
I try hard to limit contact with her. A couple weeks ago she commented that it was the first time she saw me that week and she touched me for no reason 5 or 6 times in our 2 or 3 minute interaction. Previous to that she only touched me 3 times in the previous three months.
A week later she ran into me and during our brief interaction she said she was busy. It was only about a 1 minute interaction and she didn’t seem cold, however she walked away from me while I was talking to her. I half jokingly and half seriously said “That’s so rude” and she just kept walking away.
I didn’t mind that she didn’t have time to talk to me. I just felt it was rude to just walk away while I was talking without saying something like “Sorry I have to go”.
If it were anyone else I probably wouldn’t have cared and forgot about it but I decided this would be a good opportunity to use this as a reason to tell her I don’t want to interact with her anymore.
So, despite the fact we always interact when we see each other, this past week she said “good morning” to me and I gave her a half-hearted wave without looking at her and went about my business. She came back a couple minutes later and hung around for a minute but I ignored her. Then 3 days later she walked behind me saying “good morning” but in a sad voice (she is usually very upbeat when she greets me) and I ignored her. I felt good doing this like I had some power or control but more importantly, I didn’t have to look at her and it made me feel like I could go almost 100% no contact. I am extremely physically attracted to her so seeing her is what triggers me.
I am guessing she figures something is up. Best case she gets the hint and stops interacting with me, however I think she may approach me and ask what is up.
So I am looking at input as to what to tell her if she asks. It seems kind of petty to say I don’t want to interact with her because she walked away from me while I was talking to her, but that is the only real reason I have. Is it better to just say I don’t want to interact with her and leave it at that? I haven’t disclosed to her and I treat her like a friend so I don’t think she would connect it with me being limerent on her.
Any other suggestions as to how to burn this bridge and tell her I don’t want anything to do with her? Thank you.
Drar Gallant,
Sorry to hear that you find this so distressing. I find your post a little confusing. I guess, despite the three months long LE and the presumed closeness that you have built up with this person, the anxiety leaves you wanting to put an end to it? You havent mentioned if here are barriers to your exploring a deeper relationship with her or whether thats just not something that interests you right now.
And you are sure that this is not just petulance because of the walking away incident? And you are sure that you can live with any fallout at work where this person becomes your sworn enemy (which is a realistic outcome if you brutally cut all contact with her by ignoring her)?
If all that is the case, then I would say that she will get the message by your continuing the way you have been a d I would imagine that although she will be hurt, she will stop bothering you in the very near future.
Hi Bewitched and thank you for your reply. I love your thoughts, questions, and insights!
It is interesting that we usually want to see our LO to get the dopamine hit, but I would be happy never to see her again. Let me try to explain why I think that is.
The whole thing with limerence is the infatuation is on my end. This isn’t some sort of a relationship or friendship that developed naturally. We aren’t dating, don’t see each other outside of work, and haven’t exchanged phone numbers. I wouldn’t even say we are friends. The odds are that she is not interested because that’s how these LE usually turn out.
I don’t know how close we are. Trying not to read into this because of my limerence, but there have been signs especially in the beginning that she may be interested, like being in my personal space, staring into my eyes from 3 or 4 seconds from 10 inches away without saying anything. On the other hand she hasn’t flirted, complimented me, or asked personal questions and our interactions are brief. Sometimes it feels like we are doing this dance where we are both like each other but neither wants to hint or admit anything for fear of being rejected. We are both aloof and it took over a year for her to come to me. She may just see me as a challenge and nothing more. I wish I could read her mind.
I also am cautious due to past experience from 15 years ago where a married co-worker befriended me after 5 years of working together and after two years we got feelings. We used to talk three hours per day (we worked in the field with a lot of driving so talked on the phone as we drove throughout the day). Some of the things she said to me were “I love talking to you all the time, You are different from the other guys, You make me feel secure, You are the only person special to me, You are in my heart and in my mind, I wish I met you before my husband (When I replied “You wouldn’t have your kids” she said “They would have blue eyes” (my eyes are blue while hers and her husbands are brown)) and for Christmas giving me some food she baked and saying “It’s from the bottom of my heart”. A week later she told me she is sorry I got feelings for her and that if she were going to date she wouldn’t date me. When I brought up all these things she said to me, her reply was that she is selfish. I quit that job a week later.
As for barriers, I am married but separated. She doesn’t wear a ring but according to a quick search I did on the internet she is married. I don’t know if she is separated and if so if she has a boyfriend and of course being limerent, I didn’t want to find out, because you always want hope. To me this woman could get any guy she wants, even ones half her age, I though she was 20 years younger than me but that internet search shows she is only 2 years younger. So if she is separated why wouldn’t she have a boyfriend?
Despite the fact I was perfectly content and happy before this LE and thought I was done with dating and relationship, I would like to explore a deeper relationship. However, I think with her being married and based on all the stuff I wrote above, I pretty much have convinced myself that there is no good outcome to this. Also, since limerence isn’t love, would it be fair to her for us to become involved and consummate the relationship only to have any feelings of mine fizzle out? It would be great for me but that’s selfish.
The walking away incident isn’t why I want to burn this bridge. That’s just an excuse I was thinking I could use. What else could I say? I certainly don’t want to disclose and be rejected because that would be the worst outcome. I also don’t want to keep things as they are because as anyone who had a LE can tell you, it is torture. I have had the days of longing, of hope, and of despair. I don’t eat much or sleep well. Also, a few days after the walk away incident I saw he talking to a younger guy, completely involved in a conversation with him, open body language directly facing him and it made me very jealous, something I have no right to be. I have no idea who he was, how long they spoke, or what they talked about but seeing that after the walk away incident didn’t sit well with me when it shouldn’t have mattered. She can talk to whoever she wants, but I have only previously seen her talk to female co-workers, that is before I tried hard to avoid her. This was the first time I ever felt jealous and that’s not good.
I am not even sure where the anxiety comes from. At first I thought it was the fear that if I keep seeing her I might fall in love with her and I didn’t want a repeat of the incident from 15 years ago. Maybe I am afraid the limerence will get worse. In any event I don’t want to burn the bridge because of anxiety. That’s just a symptom.
The thing that stands out in all this and what led me to ask for input is that after the walkaway incident and on the day I gave her the half-hearted wave without looking at her, I was as high as a kite and actually felt better than I have in 3 months, like 70% back to normal. It was actually as if the limerence bubble popped and I was interested in things again and didn’t think of her constantly. For once I felt I had some power and was in control. It is like breaking up. If you don’t want it to happen but you know the other person is going to do it, so you break up first, you feel much better than if they were the one dumping you even though the outcome is the same.
As for workplace fallout, my biggest concern is having the conversation on company property, yet it would be too short to justify meeting somewhere else. I don’t want to come off as aggressive, even if just verbally. That’s a big no no. I also don’t want her to cry. I don’t think she would cry because I no longer want to talk to her as we only see each other for a couple minutes every week or so because I am avoiding her. She may even just tell me “Yeah that’s fine, no problem”. I think if I use the walkaway thing as an excuse and want to make it believable, I have to pretty much tell her she is a bad person of bad character. I think that might make her cry.
I like where I work and am happy there with the exception of the LE. Financially I have self made liquid assets over 6 figures. I am set for life so I don’t need to work. It just gives me a purpose and reason to get up in the morning. So getting fired over this isn’t a big concern.
As for her being a sworn enemy. Based on the small amount of contact we now have, and not even knowing if she is attracted to me romantically, I doubt that would happen. However, if it did, wouldn’t that mean she has some sort of feelings for me? If she does and is available, and would want to date, I would be open to it. Also, I could deal with just saying “Hi” when we pass. I wouldn’t just ignore her completely unless she did or wanted that.
Hi Bewitched
I can’t reply to your second reply so have to reply to your original reply.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I love your logic and encouragement to discount past experiences. I really needed to hear that. After my last reply I didn’t expect anyone to reply or if they did I expected hate.
I feel like blowing my brains out today but let me reply to your questions first before explaining why.
As to why I didn’t ask her out. There are multiple reasons. If this has been a normal attraction I probably would have. Usually at that point you don’t have feelings and want to see if there is anything there. If they say “no” there is no harm done and you move on, even if it is slightly embarrassing.
With limerence there are already strong feelings there, so you want to keep up hope. You get to the point where it is better to wonder what might have been than to be rejected and know for sure they weren’t into you. I saw a video on You Tune on limerence and it said the exact same thing. It is the fear of rejection and not shyness.
Also, I did a search on the internet and it shows she is married. She doesn’t wear a ring and she may be separated but she is married. The other thing is that she is so attractive. Even before interacting with her and becoming limerent, to me she looked like a model and I believed she could have any guy she wants, even ones half her age. If she wants to be in a relationship she would be in one was my thinking.
Furthermore, I was hoping to escalate things to see if there was interest. There were signs but as I mentioned in another reply, I have seen signs in the past and it turned out to be nothing. There has also been no outright flirting, compliments, or her asking me things about myself which to me shows a lack of interest. This might be my fault for not doing these things as well.
I 100% agree that “It seems a shame to waste a potentially interesting option to find someone” and “that being coy around someone you like romantically is a waste of precious time”. I have been thinking about that today, even wondering if I missed the opportunity and am now friend zoned.
I think she has such a strong affect on me because I have never been so physically attracted to anyone as I am to her, at least once I became limerent. Then when we started interacting I really liked her personality, but that may be due to the limerence as well. When I became limerent I avoided her in hopes of stopping the limerence and then I avoided her because it distressed me so much. As I reflect, I think a lot of the stress was that I had such strong feeling for this woman and she was on my mind a lot yet I was getting what amounted to 2 or 3 minutes of breadcrumbs a week. It was like a tease interacting with someone I knew I could never have. I preferred to not see her at all.
Anyway, on to today. So from the end of December I could tell you how often I saw her. How many days went by since I last saw her. With other co-workers I never keep track and I am sure they don’t either. Well at the beginning of March she came up to me after not seeing her all week. She said “This is the first time I saw you this week”. I thought this was great. It shows I am on her mind as she is keeping track of when she sees me. Then in our two or three minute exchange she touched me five or six times for no reason. I thought things were progressing. Previous to that she had only touched me three times in three months.
Then an entire week goes by before sees me again. She comes up to me and says “Hi”. I ask if she has time to talk and she says she is busy. Then she walked away from me while I was talking to her. I look back and wonder if she thought I was going to bring up something serious like asking her out and she didn’t want to have to reject me and that’s why she walked away.
So it went from things seeming to progress one week to her blowing me off the next. Her walking away was what brought me here to ask about using that as a reason to ignore her in an attempt to go no contact.
Anyway as I already mentioned in my last reply, I started ignoring her. The first time was a half-hearted wave without looking at her. The second time she said “Hi” from a distance and I didn’t reply. The third time I walked towards her as she was looking my way and neither of us said anything. I thought she finally got the hint. I felt the bridge was burned.
Yesterday I saw her several times but neither of us approached. She called twice on our radios for assistance with something. The first time I waited and another co-worker answered. The second time I was the only one available so had to answer. Once I did she replied in a upbeat tone “Thank you Gallant” (using my real name though lol). I have to admit it tugged at my heart strings. Here I was ignoring her yet she is still being nice to me. She didn’t say “Thank you” to the other guy the first time she called. I usually say “You’re welcome” but this time I didn’t say anything. I took care of the issue without seeing her. She could have stayed in the area but didn’t. Maybe she was busy or maybe my lack of reply and the fact I have been ignoring her made her leave.
So today. I see her a couple times but I don’t know if she sees me. Then, I am standing in one area and as I turn around here she comes barreling right past me without saying a word. She was within a foot of me so it’s not like she didn’t see me. I did feel a little bad. I wondered if she is mad or if she is just giving me space because I am ignoring her. I don’t want her to be mad.
Then a couple hours later I see another co-worker and I said “Hello, good morning”. Unknown to me, she was standing next to him but I didn’t see her. I don’t know if she thought I was talking to both of them and was replying or if she just used it as an opportunity but she said “Hi Gallant”.
This destroyed me. Here I had I made it over a week of ignoring her and her getting the hint to ignore me back and now she is saying “Hi” to me and it was probably my fault. I hate this because she talks to other people but very little to me. I gave her an out and a way for me to get past this by ignoring her. This gives her a reason and right to never say a word to me again but she won’t take it. I am wondering if she knows I like her romantically and is trying to torment me or keep me on a string. Maybe it is as simple as her not wanting to be the one who was basically rejected.
I am so pissed that she is constantly on my mind yet she couldn’t give two sh*ts about me but won’t take the hint of me ignoring her and stop saying “Hi” to me.
How stupid is it that a simple “Hi” from her changed my whole perspective and ruined my day? I came home wondering if it is time to be honest, lay it all out, and explain what is going on in hopes she understands and will ignore me, but I can’t face the humiliation. Here I am a grown man who can’t control his emotions and is infatuated with someone. I’d be okay if someone told me they liked me but don’t know how I would react if they said they were infatuated with me and thought of me constantly. How awkward that would be.
Your reply got me thinking that asking her out might be a way around this. Nothing else is working and how much worse or awkward can things get? On the other hand what if I were able to find out that she is in a committed relationship or not interested, there would be no point in asking her out and it would save that embarrassment, but would it stop the attraction and limerence? Probably not and I would have to go back to ignoring her to go no contact.
So stuck.
Dear Gallant,
I know you said that you have not been writing on LwL because you felt that we might judge you, like when you said
“You can read my reply to Bewitched as to how the NC is going. I expected you all to hate me for going nc on her by ignoring her but you all see my point. Even this website says the same thing that it will hurt the LO less than the pain limerence is causing. ”
You are 100% right – at its height limerence we just do whatever it takes to survive it. I can safely say that its a no judgement zone here and everyone understands that you have your reasons, no questions asked. People only share what they are comfortable with as well so its always an incomplete picture. Once you had explained the level of distress that you were experiencing, the picture changed entirely and, let’s face it, politeness is very much a secondary situation.
By the way, all of us here have had periods of severe distress at the height of limerence, so we know exactly how that feels.
But yes, your LO has not played ball by accepting your attempts at ignoring her. Us limerents do overthink things hideously and it does seem as though you are in the intrusive thoughts phase of overthinking everything regarding all your LO interactions. I totally get that its infuriating to think that she is happily going about her life while you feel as though you have been taken hostage by your feelings for her. But she is probably not a limerent and couldn’t imagine feeling this way even if she tried. So, for someone she is attracted to, she just wouldn’t understand it because she is probably not wired that way.
At the root of this is the fact that it has less to do with her but instead its all about you. Apart from the fact that she is attractive, you don’t even know her, right?
This is the ‘limerence as an addition’ idea that other blogs on this site have spoken about. It exists because of all the thought and energy you are putting into her. Since NC is not working in practice, how about tackling the person addiction by denying your brain circuits that addictive feedback loop. I mean, can you try to distract yourself to the point where the gaps between thinking and obsessing over her stretch to a minute, then to a few minutes, then to half an hour, then to a couple of hours? Anything you can think of would work here, a puzzle, Candy Crush (like Lovisa), you like doing up old cars, don’t you? Your daughter might like an outing? Or just do something nice, take some deep breaths while looking at a tree, help someone out, anything to while away an hour will help you get composure over this. You can re-evaluate again in a week or two. But right now you’re feeling stuck and need to take measures. She will still be there, if you decide to go for it and ask her out. But maybe you will decide against that option if you think you can bring this under control in another way.
Something important that you have learned over the past two weeks is that we cannot control our LO. We can only control out own feelings and actions. Taking control over your intrusive thoughts will bring relief and even if it is short-lived, the sense of control will build your confidence about getting through this phase. It is only a phase.
Hang in there, Gallant and remember that we’ve all been there and are here for you as you get through this sticky patch.
@Gallant
We have all been there in some way. My LO, like yours, is extremely attractive too. I like to say she’s God’s masterpiece. I don’t really know my LO either and she drove me so crazy, I thought I could drive myself into a wall at 90mph and not even care. I still get depressed over her but I have to remind myself I’m the one in control over my feelings. LO can never be blamed. I did this to myself and so I need to remember to do the real nitty gritty work in my life to help snap me out of the funk I get myself into
I know the hurt though man. I really do. You get so depressed and sad that all you want to do is cry. At least that’s how I can get. Don’t let it kill you. No LO is worth it. The pain won’t last forever. Just try to focus on other things. It will happen if you let it.
Dear Gallant,
You need to be compassionate with yourself and send that suffering part of yourself intense love. Check in with it and see it’s ok.
As MJ say’s no LO is worth killing yourself over, Not ever.
Seeing you’re still in contact with LO and she’s still in your life…I mean can you ask her out for coffee? Every ‘sensible’ part of yourself may rebel against this idea but heck why not?
Have a strategy not to woo beautiful unattainable LO but to fight back against Limerence. Otherwise limerent part will drag you down. Remember this little exercise is not result driven, but process driven.
You say, “hell she’s taken up residency in my mind, I want my mind back”. Just make up some excuse (work related) and say can we catch up sometime to discuss….however implausible the reason is.
It goes against everything you’re doing now and it’s walking into the unknown.
That’s my two cents worth. Best wishes for your journey.
“I am so pissed that she is constantly on my mind yet she couldn’t give two sh*ts about me but won’t take the hint of me ignoring her and stop saying “Hi” to me.”
I totally feel you on this. This is me much of the time. LO takes up so much headspace of mine all day long and I feel like she gets to leave the office and not give me a second thought. Must be nice. It does anger me quite a bit, not anger at her per se, but at the whole stupid LE situation.
But, wait, it gets better. Unlike you, I have to manage my LO each day and must interact with her and act courteous, and warm, and encouraging. It’s a huge act I feel like I put on when what I really want is to just have her out of my life completely. That angers me even more.
The anger is my least favorite emotion so I work hard at trying not to feel that. I try to redirect anger to self pity because the self pity emotion is much more comforting..lol.
Gallant, she is trying to figure out why on earth is this guy at work acting so strange? He is nice… then mean… then nice… then mean. Why? She is asking herself, “Did I do something to him? Am I the problem?” She probably doesn’t know that you are struggling with feelings of attraction. It probably hasn’t crossed her mind. She just can’t figure out why your behavior is so odd.
I think you are an avoidant and you justify it by telling yourself that you are an introvert. There is a really important life-lesson that all introverts need to accept. Humans are pack animals. We need relationships.
You are also self-sabotaging this relationship. Maybe she never would have offered a romantic connection to you, but you could have had a friendship or at least a decent working relationship with her. You are sabotaging your chances because of your hot and cold behavior.
Those are my guesses. I gotta run…literally. I’m scheduled to do a Tempo-run today. I need to stop putting it off. Have a great day!
@MJ
Thank you for your kind reply.
I always thought my LO was beautiful but the limerence really increased the attraction 1200 times. It fires off something in my brain even when I just see her from my peripheral vision. Like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle and she is the missing piece. I have had crushes on women, one for ten years, and been in love a couple times but never has there been an attraction like this.
As embarrassed as it is to say, being a grown man, I have cried over her. A couple times it was a good release and made me feel better, like a stress reliever. The last time however, when I wrote my last reply it kept happening and it didn’t make me feel better. Just a deep sense of worthlessness and despair.
Thank you again and take care.
@Grego
Hi Grego and thank you for the reply. So many compassionate people here taking the time to reply.
Multiple people have said I should ask her out and I gave my thoughts, as irrational as they are, as to why I haven’t. I might have when she started asking me for help and interacting with me, but I thought she was 20 years younger. I believed if we kept things professional there wouldn’t be any feelings. Then limerence hit me like a freight train.
One thing that really bugs me is that before I was limerent for her I took pride in helping her (when other co-workers weren’t so nice to her) and wanting her to feel comfortable and safe around me. I wanted her to know I wasn’t a guy looking for anything from her, like dating or sex. I even thought we might become good close friends. After becoming limerent I feel like I failed her as if I am just another guy wanting to date or sleep with her.
Some things I have read suggested asking to get together outside of work (like friends and not a date) but she never gave the indication she would be interested. Our talks were short and always work related. I didn’t want her to think I was looking for something from her.
I am currently ignoring her but thought if she asks why, I could tell her that it wasn’t the time and the place to discuss it and I would do it outside of work. However, this would break nc which I am trying not to do as it will just take me back to the place I am trying to get over.
Hi Bewitched and thank you for your reply.
I appreciate not being judged.
I thought my LO would hate me when I started ignoring her and go nc but as I will write in another reply to Nisor, she seems to be around me more and trying to catch my eye. If it were reversed I think I would be avoiding her feeling rejection and shame so I am not sure what is up. Maybe women think differently.
You wrote:
“I totally get that its infuriating to think that she is happily going about her life while you feel as though you have been taken hostage by your feelings for her. But she is probably not a limerent and couldn’t imagine feeling this way even if she tried. So, for someone she is attracted to, she just wouldn’t understand it because she is probably not wired that way”.
The above is so true, especially the first sentence. As for the rest, I have never in my life been limerent before and I am nearing retirement so I could never have imagined what it is like to feel this way. That’s part of why I don’t want to ask her out because I know she can’t have as strong of feelings as I have which puts me in a very vulnerable position. What if we date and the feelings get even stronger for me and then she dumps me. It will be even worse.
You are correct that this has everything to do with me and not her. That’s why ignoring her felt so bad.
You are correct, although I have worked with her over a year, I know very little about her which is why I know it is limerence and not love. I always thought she was beautiful and we interacted a few times and I was fine with that, thinking she was 20 years younger and I didn’t have a chance. It’s when she started coming to me much more frequently and saying things like “see you tomorrow” when we might not see each other for a couple weeks at a time, and when I found out she was only 2 years younger than me that the limerence hit and I started having hope.
I am doing much better with the intrusive thoughts but I am also finding it has to do with what I am perceiving as hope (when my goal of nc was to burn bridges and lose hope). As I will explain in my reply to Nisor, when I perceive she did something that makes me feel there is hope, I actually stop thinking of her and am interested in other things again. I have been distracting myself but am coming off my weekend and the thought of possibly seeing her today made me come back here again.
@Speedwagon
Wow! What you wrote and feel is as if you read my mind, but you have it much worse having to manage her and interact with her everyday and on top of that having to act warm, courteous, and encouraging. That is pure torture!
I am going tho think of this when I start feeling bad. Change my perspective to being grateful that things could be worse.
Like you I want my LO out of my life completely and just hate the whole LE. I find it interesting that I checked all the boxes for limerence except for the one that says we want to see the LO often. Despite our interactions being positive, I wanted her out of my life very soon after becoming limerent. I wonder what the psychological reasoning is for that.
I feel for you. I hope in time we can both get past this.
Take care.
Hi Gallant,
Let me see if I understand. There is a beautiful woman at work who stirs up feelings in you that you don’t want to experience. You don’t even want to look at her because it is too triggering. Her behavior has been mostly normal for a co-worker setting so she hasn’t done anything to deserve cold behavior from you. Did I get it?
Here is my advice… if you can’t be warm, be polite. If you can’t be polite, be boring. Don’t be cold or rude because she will think she did something wrong. Just be boring. Boring works really well in situations like this. You can also get absorbed in the work and she will just think you’re busy. Busy is good, too. Try boring and busy.
Good luck!
Hi Lovisa and thank you for the reply.
You have it pretty much right but let me clarify slightly on the feelings.
There is a beautiful woman at work that I became limerent for. Although I would like to date her, she hasn’t given any real signs that she is interested so I have to assume she isn’t. This doesn’t kill the limerence so it just makes me want something I can’t have. It is the feeling of lack of reciprocity which I don’t want to experience.
Your 4th sentence in your first paragraph is 100% correct. Her behavior has been mostly normal so has done nothing to deserve cold behavior. Thank you for smacking me on the head and waking me up from my limerent selfishness. The limerence is my problem and not hers. How pitiful I have become not to see this.
I can’t keep things as they are but you are correct, I can’t be cold or ignore someone who did nothing wrong. I will try what you suggested. She will probably notice the change but will just accept it as something going on with me. Being cold, as you said would make her think she did something wrong.
I have felt bad for three months and the thought of “rejecting” her made me feel good for once, but that’s not right to take it out on her. I have to find way to deal with the limerence or quit my job.
Thank you again.
Gallant, you filled in some helpful details. I read through your responses to our community and I have a few thoughts.
First, limerence itself isn’t bad. It can lead to a healthy relationship. I was limerent for my husband 26 years ago and we are still going strong.
Second, I don’t like that you are so quick to assume that a relationship with your LO is out of the question. It sounds like you aren’t sure of her relationship status. She is a grown woman. If you ask her out, she can tell you that she isn’t interested or that she is in a relationship already. No harm done.
Third, I’m sorry that you are going through a separation and that you feel your marriage is not recoverable. That is hard.
Forth, I want to address your limerent misery. I went through the miserable phase about 2 years ago and it was AWFUL. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If I hadn’t experienced it myself, I couldn’t have understood it. The worst part for me were the intrusive thoughts. I learned that I caused the intrusive thoughts because I allowed myself to daydream about my LO. My brain noticed that those daydreams made me happy and it started putting thoughts of my LO in the front of everything else even if I didn’t want to think about my LO. I thought I was going crazy. It was miserable. I tried the deprogramming methods and then, out of desperation, I transferred my limerence to another man. I was careful not to daydream about my new LO and it worked for the most part. I am no longer limerent. Unfortunately, something happened that I hadn’t expected. My new LO developed feelings for me and he disclosed to me. I thought it would all be in my head, but I was wrong. That was the only side effect of my transference. My story isn’t typical. I think we have one other commenter who successfully used transference, but most people think it’s kind of sketchy. I was desperate. Anyway, I want to share a short video with you about intrusive thoughts.
How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts
by Mark Freeman
https://youtu.be/laeYq51SYA0
Last, I must say that I can’t usually pin-point the lesson that a limerent needs to learn from their LE, but yours is like a flashing neon sign. I’m curious if you’ve figured it out yet.
Best wishes!
Hello Lovisa
There is no option here to reply to your second reply to me, so I will reply to your first reply to answer your second reply.
The reason I am so quick to assume a relationship with my LO is out of the question is because my entire life has been one sided with regards to relationships. I was into them but they weren’t into me or they were into me but I wasn’t into them. After decades of this I don’t see why this time it would be different, especially when my attraction to this one is so intense. Also I am terrified of the same thing happening that happened to me 15 years ago with a coworker that I wrote about in my reply to Bewitched.
My marriage has been dead for over a decade so that’s not an issue.
I find it interesting you were limerent for your husband and your marriage has been going strong for 26 years BUT you still get LE’s. Does your husband know about your LE’s and if so what is his reaction, if you care to share.
Also thank you for the link to the video.
No, I have not figured out the lesson in this yet. Would you mind sharing the neon sign I am blinded by Lol?
I have an update and am embarrassed to come back here to tell it but I figured I owed it to those who have replied to me.
I was all prepared to do as you and Grego suggested, be polite and boring. I had made up my mind to do that, as none of this was her fault.
So 3 days ago I was walking down this large hallway and there she was standing at the other end facing my direction just standing there as if she were waiting for someone or just hanging out. The hallway is wide enough and she was far enough from the end that the closest I got to her was about 30 feet, but there is no way she didn’t see me. I kept my eyes diverted as I couldn’t look at her. I thought that if she says “Hi” I will be polite and say “Hi” back but she remained silent and so did I. I don’t know what her reaction was when I ignored her as I wasn’t looking at her but from my peripheral vision she didn’t turn away and continued to stand there as I made a turn to the right before getting to the area where she was standing.
I felt terrible treating her like this and felt like a complete coward. I realized I just showed her what an immature, horrible, and complete piece of crap person I am who is not worthy of a second of her time, but I have felt so much better in the week since I turned cold on her that I just couldn’t go back to interacting with her and again becoming miserable like I have been these past three months. I had even been getting suicidal thoughts so to me it was self preservation. Regardless how she feels, in my mind it can’t be anything as bad as I feel. Not saying this is right but just my selfish way to justify it.
I had to do some work in the immediate area so I thought if she comes to talk to me I will be polite, but she never did. I felt she must have got the hint, rather quickly, and thought she probably doesn’t care one way or the other especially after showing her what a big piece of garbage I am which I can now never take back.
I went home feeling relieved that I finally burned the bridge and if she thought anything of me, she no longer does so a win-win.
Then the next day she didn’t come to work.
The day after that she didn’t come to work either.
I don’t know why not. It may have been schedule time off.
I have missed 10 days of work this year, 7 in January alone because of this LE. I would take off 2 or 3 days in a row, especially at the beginning of the LE in hopes no contact would kill the limerence, but I doubt that’s the case with her.
Now it is our weekend and I have had time to reflect on this and on the previous 3 months. Despite trying to hide it, she probably knew I was limerent for her or at least liked her. I think she liked the attention but due to the lack of any clear signs or flirting, I don’t think she was into me. There were things she did and didn’t do, and things she said and didn’t say that now make me think she wasn’t comfortable being around me or talking to me, despite only seeing her about 3 minutes a week and never acting or saying anything inappropriate to her. Now I think the walkaway incident was just the final hint she was trying to give me.
It only took a half-hearted wave from me when she said “Hi” one day, followed by me ignoring her when she said “Hi” another day to now have her ignore me like she did this last time I saw her. She has been on my mind a lot this weekend but I believe this is the end of the story. I think we both ended up getting what we wanted, to be away from each other.
Thank you for reading and your replies.
Best regards.
Hi Gallant,
Your replies have fleshed out the story enough for me to be able to understand your reasoning much better. Especially important was the details about how bad you had been feeling around your LO. If you had been feeling so bad that you chose not to go to work some days, then I think most would agree that this is something important enough in your life to address by whatever means necessary, including ignoring her. Impolite though that might be, it seems the lesser of two evils, given your anguish levels. I certainly didnt appreciate that before but I can see it now. I can also see how it must have been quite a relief for you to feel that you have put an end to all interactions.
Still, I can still imagine that some people might wonder why you didn’t just ask her out (as Lovisa suggested), I mean, you are separated, ye are both adults and the worst she can say is ‘no’. It seems a shame to waste a potentially interesting option to find someone. I think you should discount your previous history, we all live and learn and you are not the same person you were before / in the past. As I have gotten older, I have learned that being coy around someone you like romantically is a waste of precious time. Now, a slow build up to a meaningful gesture of some sort is a totally different matter….
Point taken if you find you just cant “go there”. I wonder why she has such a strong effect though? Limerence does cause debilitating shyness, perhaps that’s the explanation? Maybe something more than that?
Hi Gallant, I second everything that Bewitched said. I will add a little…
Sorry for the delayed response. I wrote a long response a while ago and my phone deleted it before I posted it. I told myself I would come back and reply later. Sorry that it took so long.
I don’t like how you talk about yourself. It’s too much negative self-talk. Let’s brainstorm ways to change your mindset. Surely you are proud of something you’ve done or a talent or… I don’t know, but something positive. Tell me something you’ve accomplished or tell me some of your positive characteristics. It seems like you mentioned that you are financially set, that is a really big deal. Most people who work do it because they need the money. If you are at a point in life that you don’t need to work, that says a lot about your ability to manage money. It’s impressive! We can start there with our positive thoughts about Gallant. Now it’s your turn to say something nice about yourself.
Yes, my SO knows that I became limerent for LO2 and transferred it to LO3. My SO also respects those two LOs and they admire my SO. I am allowed to continue my friendships with both of my LOs. I am not limerent for anyone right now and I hope to never go through limerence again.
I don’t want to tell you what your limerence should teach you because it is better for you to discover it for yourself. Any guesses?
If you feel like talking about your marriage, I’m curious why you are separated and not divorced. I’ve known couples who didn’t finalize their divorce for many years until one of them wanted to remarry. Is that the situation for you? You don’t have to talk about anything that you don’t want to address (except the positive stuff, you are required to tell me something positive about yourself. It is your homework assignment.)
Best wishes!
Hello Gallant. I am sorry you are feeling distressed because of your limerence experience. I agree with all that Lovisa and Bewitched have said.
A lot of your points have been true in my LE as well. One is the issue of debilitating shyness, as Bewitched mentions. I am anyways quite introvert by nature, so if you add on limerence, that becomes 100X more shy. However, what happened was that LO used to engage one way or another, so those interactions were not bad.
Another similarity is the cat & mouse game between both parties. Like one ignores the other, then the other reaches out. Then the roles reverse. The whole game caused a lot of distress just thinking about it.
Over a period of time, I tried to be more confident and less uneasy when around LO. Not sure how much I succeed, as limerent feelings have a tendency to leak out, and be observable to others, but those instances did make me feel better.
I would definitely agree that your health is your number one priority. If that means you need to cut off LO completely, so be it. If this is not possible, you can explore gradual detachment. The reason for this, and I find it to be true, is that NC/LC is one of the best tools for getting over this.
You can also try and find yourself a hobby. In my case, working out really helped.
Hope this helps. Hang in there and please take care of yourself.
@Serial Limeren
Hello and thank you for the reply.
That is correct. I got the information on her marital status from the Net and not from her. She doesn’t wear any rings on any finger but I know several married people at work who aren’t separated but who don’t wear their wedding rings. She did mention she has kids. When I did the search I also found voter registration records and it showed she lives in a house with an adult male close to her age and two younger adults which I take to be her husband and kids. Based on the address and how long she once mentioned it takes here to get to work it would indicate she still lives in this house.
For now I am going with nc assuming she isn’t interested and/or not available and see where that takes me. Hopefully getting over her. I have read of people who are limerent who get rejected and it just makes the limerence worse because they want what they can’t have. That has been a concern of mine as well.
At a previous job I mentioned, myself and a co-worker who befriended me got feelings for each other. She asked what we should do. I said I would like to see where it goes but she, being married, wanted to keep things as they were. My feelings never went away and got stronger. I finally had to leave the job.
Yes it is possible it would help being rejected but being limerent I feel it would just be the final slap in the face. I am going to stay with nc for now.
Hi Lovisa.
I can’t reply to your second reply so have to reply to your original reply.
Thank you for taking the time to reply especially when your message got deleted. That has happened to me and it is hard to redo it after spending so much time typing it out the first time. I also appreciate your encouragement on changing my negative self talk. I guess past experience doesn’t help.
No problem on the late reply. I wasn’t planning on coming back here because I didn’t expect anymore replies or expected ones hating on me for being a coward and ignoring my LO so didn’t come back until today.
You can read my reply to Bewitched as to what is going on.
In regards to your reply “I don’t like how you talk about yourself. It’s too much negative self-talk. Let’s brainstorm ways to change your mindset. Surely you are proud of something you’ve done or a talent or… I don’t know, but something positive. Tell me something you’ve accomplished or tell me some of your positive characteristics”.
Accomplishments and things I am proud of although most were decades ago. I did three parachute jumps, got a blackbelt in Karate, I am in good shape, I am a liquid millionaire (meaning things I can turn into money in 2 or 3 days like stocks, mutual funds, and cash but doesn’t include my paid for house). I don’t have to work. In fact I would make more from my investments but work to keep my investments growing so I can leave more money to my son. I have a reputation for being a hard, fast, and knowledgeable worker. I had two years of auto shop in high school so have worked on mine and wife’s cars for decades saving tens of thousands of dollars. In fact my car is over 20 years old but runs great. Two people in the past two weeks told me I look good for my age.
No guesses as to what my limerence is teaching me. Honestly it feels like I am being punished for some reason. I was fine being done with relationships. I was happy where I was at. I hate that it happened.
As for my marriage and why I am separated and not divorced. When we married my wife handled all the bills and finances. She told me she was making double payments on our house mortgage. It took me about 20 years to find out she was making single payments and gambling the rest.
She never missed paying any of our bills so I didn’t think there was a problem, but anything left over she gambled it away. When I calculated it it came to over $200,000. I went to file for divorce. We live in a community property state where assets and debt are split 50/50 but you could work out anything as long as long as both sides agreed.
I wouldn’t have had a problem with the 50/50 thing but based on the $200,000 she gambled away, I offered her our paid for house and I would keep my 401K and Roth IRA. I thought she would agree. She went to see a lawyer who told her to go for half of everything I have. That’s what she wanted. At the time it wouldn’t have left me enough money to retire. She knows that if I die she gets my money per state law unless she signs that right away which she won’t. That’s why she won’t divorce me.
Thank you for the homework assignment and the kind words and encouragement. I haven’t found a nicer group of people anywhere.
Gallant, I am late for my trail run, but I couldn’t resist replying to you before I head out.
I love your list of positivity! Love it! Love it! Love it! You get an A+.
I want to discuss more, but I need to get this run done so I can get back in time for my daughter’s birthday party. I have 5 kids, btw.
I’ll give a better response soon. I’m so proud of you.
Gallant, your answer is in this paragraph…
“ No guesses as to what my limerence is teaching me. Honestly it feels like I am being punished for some reason. I was fine being done with relationships. I was happy where I was at. I hate that it happened.”
Dig in and figure it out. You got this! Tell me one lesson that your limerent brain is trying to teach you. You already know the answer. You wrote it yourself. I’ll give you a hint, you are not being punished. The answer is in a different sentence.
Let’s talk about your wife’s financial betrayal. That is awful! Just awful! Is she sorry? Does she still gamble?
Your math is a little off. I happen to be very good at math and money management so it’s obvious that either you are bad at both or you are leaving some details out. Home loans of more than 30 years are rare. If she was double paying on your house (I assume you mean double paying just the principal because a double mortgage payment would really accelerate the pay-off) your house would be paid off before 20 years. You would have noticed the problem sooner. Also, a half-million in retirement savings is sufficient. You say you can’t afford to divorce your wife because your “half” isn’t enough, but it is. I think you’re angry about the 50/50 split. What does your wife say about the gambling problem? Does she agree with your $200k estimate? Is she willing to take it out of her portion of the split so you get 50% + 100k? That would net her 200k less than you. Maybe that isn’t an option. I don’t know how divorce courts handle situations like that. Are you liable for her right now? Could she gamble away everything and you’d have to pay the bill? I don’t know anything about gambling. My religion warns against gambling so I am very naive to it. I worry that she could sink you as long as the two of you are still legally tethered. Obviously I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know what I would do if I were in your situation.
Best of luck!
Hi Gallant,
It seems you’re
ambivalent as to what behavior to adapt to treat LO.
No one likes a rejection, you don’t like it, I don’t like it either, no way I would put up with that…you know yourself better than anyone else.
I’m all for ignoring her completely and stay the course. Cannot be changing decisions and stay sane. Be strict with yourself. You got to be firm and consistent, confident of what you want to accomplish. Be honest with yourself. She was rude, disrespectful and it offended you; why should you treat her any nicer? Some people have no manners and think they can get away with anything. It is not paying her back, it is pride and respect for yourself. So what if she doesn’t know why your behavior changed, or doesn’t like your behavior now? You’re not indebted to her. And if she says hi and good morning, just answer with a nod or tight lips. If she asks for help on anything, just tell her drily you’re busy , to ask someone else. You’re not being rude or unmannered , you’re defending your territory of emotions, she has no right to play with your emotions. Don’t allow her. And if she questions you, be honest with yourself, and her: tell her you didn’t like the way she behaved, ill mannered , that you deserve some respect. Don’t be afraid of her, or else you are done. She wants to play ball, let it be on your terms. Stand up for your rights as a man, no
matter how much you desire her. And if she seems to be sorry and all that, read her lips, be discerning, maybe it’s the opportunity to ask her out for dinner? Never mind coffee or drinks in a bar. And if she rejects, be strong enough to put up with it. Just be wise and discerning. Sometimes we have to take risks. If it works good, if not, at least you tried. Go by your gut s feeling.
Good luck, and keep us posted on any progress…we’re not here to judge but to share our feelings and difficulties with limerence. ( you seem to be deeply in Limerence dance! ) 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
Hey Lovisa !
Hope you’re doing well , how’s the situation with your mum & sister ? Over 2 months “N.C” with Sarah now , although I’ve been getting a little urge to “check in” with seeing her recently . Nothing like it was back at the height of things in Jan/Feb though , more out of curiosity than need . Spring here in the U.K but still raining every day , but at least the evenings are getting longer now , catch you soon !
Jim
Hi Jim! It’s great to hear from you.
Nice work with the NC! I think it’s best if you don’t check on Sarah because you might backslide.
My sister’s SO was in a coma in the hospital until yesterday when he died. I feel numb. I think I am overwhelmed by my sister’s predicament. She has alienated herself from almost all of her family (we have a very big family) and her SO just died. I can’t imagine how hard this is for her. My mom will want to attend the funeral, but I don’t want my mom anywhere near my sister until my brother or I have guardianship over my mom. My sister held my mom hostage in January for a week and I don’t want to go through that again. It was a nightmare! Since my mom had her rights, I couldn’t just go pick her up. If my sister called the police, my mom would have told them that she didn’t want to go with Lovisa because Lovisa is planning to place her in a care center. Also, my sister has assaulted multiple family members in the past and I feared that she might assault me if I picked up my mom so I didn’t try. It was awful! Anyway, my brother called me this morning to let me know that he petitioned the court for me to get conservatorship and for our oldest brother to get guardianship. Hopefully it will happen quickly. If my brother has guardianship and my sister tries to take our mom, my brother will be able to get our mom back with the help of law enforcement. Whew!
How is your training? Is strength training still your focus? I’m training for a 10k run with a virtual coach. It’s been pretty good. I’ve learned a lot. I’m only running 20 to 30 miles/week and I haven’t done much cross training so I’ve been doing other stuff like cooking and gardening. Yesterday something funny happened at the end of my run. The neighbor’s horses were in the middle of the road just watching me run towards them. I remembered the big bowl of carrot peels that I fed them on Monday night and thought, “Maybe they like me enough that I can get them back in the fence.” For some reason, they suddenly became scared that I was running towards them and they ran into the neighbor’s yard. It took a little while, but me and another lady who was driving past managed to get all three horses into the corral. It was exciting and fun. I forgot to answer your question about me living on a farm. I live in a suburb with big lots. Some of my neighbors have farm animals, but I don’t. I wanted to get peacocks, but one of my neighbors is terrified of peacocks so I now I want quails instead. My husband wants goats. My daughter wants ducks. We shall see if we add any more animals to our family. They would just be pets. Many of my neighbors have chickens and I don’t like it when the chickens get into my flower beds because they make a big mess of the mulch so I probably won’t get chickens. We live at the base of the mountains so we get a lot of deer in our yard. I love the deer. They are so pretty. My mom lights up with delight when she sees the deer. I love that they make her happy.
Thanks for checking in! I’m not on LwL as much as I used to be. I check in and skim through messages quickly. I am completely over limerence thank goodness. I hope I never go through that again. I’ll try to watch for your comments. Please forgive me if I miss something.
Hi Lovisa and thank you for the reply.
So the lesson limerence is trying to teach me is that I am fine without a relationship and don’t need my LO and can be happy without her? I know that is true but as long as she is still in my life the limerence is still there. Or am I wrong again?
My wife doesn’t gamble anymore. She never said she was sorry for what she did.
I don’t think my math is off. I am pretty sure we got a 30 year mortgage 30 years ago but since I trusted her to handle the finances, I never knew when it should have been paid off if she was making double payments. Our payment was $1200 per month, if she gambled an extra $1200 per month that she said was going for a double mortgage payment the math is $1200 x 12 months = $14,400 per year. $14,400 per year x 20 years = $288,00. Since the figure that sticks in my mind is $225,000 I am thinking that was from the bank statement records I obtained that showed that amount of money being withdrawn.
If my wife gets half my money, my monthly income would be half. If I stay invested in the stock market you normally expect a 8% return per year but that is not guaranteed. Putting it into a 5% CD would get me $25,000 per year while preserving the principle, which is 1/3 what I current earn at my job. I am not willing to live poor in my retirement.
She never said anything about her gambling problem or apologized for it.
We live in a community property state which means a married couples assets and debts are split 50/50 if there is a divorce unless both sides agree to something different. Her lawyer at the time already told her she is legally entitled to half and she will not budge from that. I had told her many times that she already gambled away part of what should have been her half but she was having none of taking that portion out of her half.
I know she has a lot of credit card debt and I will be responsible for that if she dies which is why I have a $50,000 low cost spouse life insurance policy on her through work, which I couldn’t get if we are divorced.
She is nine years older than me and not in good health so the odds are I will probably outlive her.
Hi Gallant,
The lesson is that you DO need relationships.
You added some helpful information. It sounds like you weren’t paying attention to the finances for 20 years because you trusted your wife which is understandable.
@Bewitched
Hello and thank you for checking in. I have replied to several people today and posted the latest update in a reply to Nisor.
My amount of sleep and appetite have been low these past 3.5 months due to the limerence. Last time I wrote here I was feeling pretty low and felt a lot of despair.
I know none of this is the LO’s fault and it is why I felt/feel bad ignoring her but I am in survival mode. Even an article on this site said ignoring is okay as it will affect the LO a lot less than the effect of the has LE on us. I know she doesn’t know the effect she has on me. Up to this point I never verbally gave her any indication that I see her romantically but she probably senses it from the way I act around her.
I am sorry you are going through and repeating things with your LO as well. I know the torture it can be especially with the hot cold dynamic.
I know my LO likes (or used to) like me but don’t know in what way. As an article on this site said “They can be interested in you but not interested in a relationship with you”.
She came to me first. I would catch her staring at me. I wouldn’t see her for days but when I did she would say “see you tomorrow” like she wanted to make sure I come see her. When I didn’t see her she would come looking for me. Once she she came up to me got about 12 inches away and just stared in my eyes for 4 or 5 seconds. It seemed at times like we both wanted to admit being interested in the other but neither one wanted to be rejected. However, neither one of us flirted with the other. I have never come looking for her. We always just crossed paths or she came looking for me.
I will take what you said to heart about the war of the sexes. I just never wanted things to be awkward if I admitted I liked her but she didn’t feel the same. I also imagined if someone was into me and admitted it but I didn’t feel the same. I think it would make things awkward. As with limerence we always want hope and wondering what might have been is preferable to being rejected.
There have definitely been signs of interest. I probably caught every one of them. However, as I mentioned previously, I am also very gun shy based on what happened with a co-worker 15 years ago. She said all sorts of things indicating romantic interest but in the end rejected me. I think that’s a big part of why I never verbally let my LO know I like her romantically. I wanted to see if she escalated things.
The time before she blew me off, as I mentioned in another reply, she came up to me and said it was the first time she saw me all week. For the past three months I could tell you every day that I saw her, how many times in a week I saw her, and how many days went by between times I saw her. I can’t do that with any other co-worker. The fact she was now keeping track of when she saw me, as I had been doing, told me I was on her mind even when she didn’t see me. That day she also touched me 5 or 6 times in a three minute period. It was so much I lost count. She had only touched me 3 times previously in the months before.
I was happy and felt things were escalating. Then she hadn’t seen me in a week and when she did she came up to me and said hello. I asked if she had time to talk. She said she didn’t. I tried to say something and she walked away. I told her it was rude but she kept walking. How do you go from touching someone so many times and mentioning that it is the first time you have seen them in a week to blowing them off the next time you see them a week later? I already hated having her on my mind constantly and only getting breadcrumbs for 2 or 3 minutes once a week or less and wanted to go nc. Her blowing me off was the excuse I used to go nc.
She does have an effect on me but it isn’t beautiful. If I talk to her she does calm me down but I still want her out of my life. This LE has been bad and I want out.
Things would have been so different if I had just found her attractive like the crush I had on another coworker for 10 years or other co-workers I have been attracted to but it didn’t bother me. Limerence completely screws up your mind and thoughts.
Take care.
Hi Gallant,
Reading your post I have to say with all due respect that you aren’t handling it great. I totally agree with Lovisa about how to handle it. Your way just seems like payback. She walked away from me, well I’ll show her!
We need to be able to recover from ego injury and move on.
Always be respectful of your LO & if it’s not a good time to interact with her. Just smile at her and say, can’t speak – I’m really busy right now.
Do this on multiple times if need be.
Having said that I’m not sure how I’d react if I saw LO1 of years ago. She’s been out of my life for a long time but I’m thinking about her a lot in this past couple of months. The best I can do is manage this situation. I can only live my best life whilst managing my Limerence affliction.
I messaged LO2 last week and mentioned to her LO1. No reply from LO2!
I said to LO2 in my message, that I hope she’s met a nice guy who is good to her and her daughter. LO2 is a single mum with a 11 or 12 year old daughter.
She lives in Surry in England. I’m in Aus. Hopefully I can go visit her sometime.
Hi Grego and thank you for the reply.
I read Lovisa’s reply and it was a wake up call. She is 100% correct.
I wasn’t looking at doing payback for the walkaway. I was thinking of using the walkaway as an excuse to cut contact with her because the limerence was making me feel so bad. I now see that would be the wrong thing to do.
One question. On the “Just smile at her and say, can’t speak – I’m really busy right now. Do this on multiple times if need be”.
Is the purpose to get her to get the hint to leave me alone without being rude or am I just supposed to use it at certain times when I don’t feel up to interacting? After her walking away from me because she said she was busy, I wonder if she might think this is payback. In any case it is much better than what I was thinking of doing so will try it.
Hi Gallant,
It’s a good question and I’ll think about what I meant. What I meant was if things become difficult and awkward between you in your interactions with LO, instead of being angry and resentful with her, just use it as a tool to stop things spiraling to a worse place. I should have added of course, if she approaches you wanting your help and you’re able to help her, then assist her in any way you can.
As you said; ‘or am I just supposed to use it at certain times when I don’t feel up to interacting?’ That would be the ideal time to use the ruse I suggested.
Dealing with an LO can be draining and uses up a lot of energy, especially when, as it seems to be most often, unrequited.
Obviously, I don’t know your work situation. Is it possible to have a friendly work relationship with this person even if nothing comes of it romantically? Perhaps that’s naive question.
All I can say is and what I always try and remember is, if things aren’t great then try not to make them worse. Go into damage control if things get messy 😁
At the end of the day we’re all just human, muddling our way through, doing the best that we can.
Thank you Grego.
I am not angry or resentful of her. I just don’t see a happy ending and as you said it is so draining for the small amount of time I spend with her. So much energy for so little benefit. I am just trying the best no contact I can do and I now see exactly what you are saying about using the tool. Regardless of the situation that tool can be used to keep things spiraling to a worse place. Of course I will help her if she asks as that is my job.
I wish I could have a friendly work relationship with her like I did before becoming limerent. When she first started coming to me for help I liked being nice to her and helping her. I saw us becoming good friends and the fact she is beautiful didn’t hurt. Limerence killed all that.
By the way, look above in my reply to Lovisa for the most recent update with my LO.
Thank you for reading and your replies especially in regards to your clarification for using the tool. I see it with more purpose now and how it becomes the default for dealing with everything in regards to the LO as it can address so much of the situation so simply.
Take care.
Hello Gallant. From your post, the relationship status of both of you is not clear. Are you both single? If yes, why not try and speak warmly with LO?
However, if you do not like her, then, as other members have said, try to be polite, if not warm with her. Speaking from my experience, long time back, I have tried to be cold towards LO 1-2 times, in response to what I perceived as LO being cold to me. I did not feel good at all afterwards, so I told myself never again. So, you can consider keeping your conversations work related /formal and polite. Hope this helps, all the best!
Hi ABCD and thank you for your reply.
I am married but separated with no chance of reconciliation. Her status is not clear. She doesn’t wear a ring so at first I thought she was single. After I became limerent a quick search on the internet shows she is married. She may be happily married but not wearing a ring. She may be separated and alone or with a boyfriend. She hasn’t said and I haven’t asked. When one is limerent they want hope so they don’t want answers to these questions.
She came to me first asking for help and seemed interested. She kept coming to me for help where she never did before. We got along great. I always thought she was beautiful and could be a model but also thought she was 20 years younger which made it a no go. Then I found out she was 2 years younger than me.
I remember thinking after one of our interactions early on “It’s a good thing we don’t date because I would fall for her hard” and I don’t fall easy. I thought as long as we keep it professional it would be okay. It was maybe a few days later one morning on my weekend I got really strong feelings for her but I knew it wasn’t right because I don’t really know much about her. I had come across limerence years ago but never experienced it. When I looked that up and infatuation I checked all the boxes.
We continued to interact and were great together despite our short interactions. I had hope of something happening between us. Some signs were there but I got the impression neither one of us wanted to admit anything for fear of getting rejected and messing up what we had.
Then I found out she was married and of course was reading all about limerence and how the LO rarely is interested or attracted to the person who is limerent for them. I saw this coming to a bad end and started avoiding and distancing myself from her despite us having mostly positive interactions. I was hoping to get over the limerence.
So I do like her. I have never been so attracted to anyone before but that may just be the limerence talking. I have had innocent crushes on other co-workers for years but this was a whole other level.
I have got a lot of food for thought from everyone here and will try to use it. Limerence is a bitch and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I wish it didn’t happen to me. I was happy and was fine being single.
Hi ABCD
Thank you for your reply. Although I am an introvert, I am not shy. At work I can and do talk to people. I am just pretty private about my personal life and don’t get into deep conversations with people.
With my LE there hasn’t been a whole lot of cat and mouse although I know what you are talking about. With us it was mostly positive. It seemed more like each were giving out signs of interest but neither wanted to come right out and say anything for fear of being rejected. In my past there have been signs but in the end it turned out to be nothing so I am overly cautious.
I feared seeing my LO and am not 100% sure why. I don’t know if it was fear of a bad experience and wanted to keep the hope, fear of falling in love and it not being returned, or something else because most limerent people want to be with their LO as much as possible. When I was with my LO she calmed me down and I kept telling myself that but still feared seeing her.
You can read my reply to Bewitched as to how the NC is going. I expected you all to hate me for going nc on her by ignoring her but you all see my point. Even this website says the same thing that it will hurt the LO less than the pain limerence is causing.
I have seen the suggestions for getting involved in hobbies and things but I am so hung up on this whole LE that there is no interest.
Trying to go nc but my LO is not cooperating. Stupid me feels bad for ignoring her and being too cowardly to tell her why but I can’t bare to face the humiliation of telling her I am limerent. I am thinking of asking her out to maybe get some finality to this because nothing else seems to be working, but then struggle with the thought of rejection, how it might make the limerence stronger, or how things will be awkward. Hoping I can go nc and get over this to where it doesn’t matter.
You got the information on her marital status from the Net and not from her, right? Maybe she’s separated/divorced and is actually interested. You won’t know unless you ask! If she says no then you can work on getting over the limerence. The uncertainty is the driver of it.
Hey Gallant
Just checking in as it seems like you got almost no sleep before going to work today and had been feeling fed up, earlier, with your LO leading you on? Hope you are now feeling better. Its not her fault even if she likes some attention, she has no idea of the effect she has on you. Somewhere in your executive brain, you know this, you have even said so yourself.
I regularly give my LO a piece of my mind up in my head 😆 (I also work with him). Its not real and not justified. Even though he actually did something pretty unmistakable to show me how he felt, once. It was a while ago. He has done a few things, but this was ‘permanent’. Anyway, then he goes all cold on me. I flip out (in my head), then I rationalise the reasons he might be doing that, large barriers, its all futile so lets try to wean off each other, this is probably just his clumsy way of doing so…etc. I tell myself all this to calm myself. Until the next time he does or does not do something that annoys me and gets me defensive all over again, and we repeat the cycle. So I do understand where you are at but you dont know if she likes you, (one of my reasons for peroodically hating my LO is that Inknow he likes me but he is not capable of being a grown up about it). Your LO really hasnt done anything wrong. Also…..I think you are making this into a war of the sexes but it doesnt need to be. Let me explain….
Its actually okay to let her “win” the who likes who contest – why not? You are a confident guy. She can go around thinking you are keen on her, into her, maybe even a bit infatuated. Who cares? Only an absolute narcissist would assume that put you in a position of weakness, somehow. It doesnt make you weak to like someone. It makes you strong. Why would it make you appear weak when all it shows is that you’ve got eyes, a brain, a heart? She will probably be intrigued if she senses interest from you (even if its not returned in the romantic sense). Just try to go with it. Be your own calm and chilled self. Don’t go looking for her. If she is married she’ll hopefully respect boundaries and you can always try to get to know her a little better, in due course. Steady does it. See how things go.
The panicky feeling you have around her is chemical ephinephrinenI think. Its a neurotransmitter. She has a strange and beautiful effect on you…enjoy it. But be chilled 😎
Hi Gallant, I’m sorry to hear it’s not going well. It seems your attempts at ignoring your LO has only brought you more misery, and perhaps confusion to your LO as well?
Now, this is only me, so take it only as one opinion, and it contradicts the wisdom of non-disclosure – but I would probably try to confront the situation in some way to dispel the tension. In my LE I felt I had to disclose enough, in order to get the rejection and to finally be free. Note: disclose enough, not everything. He didn’t need to know about limerence, just that I had begun to have expectations that were different from his. He took the hint from that and very nicely rejected me.
If you are not up to taking the risk of asking her out on a date, perhaps just say “I’m sorry if I’ve seemed a bit rude lately. It’s nothing that you have done, I’m just finding it hard to be around you because you make me nervous for some reason”. Or something along those lines. And see how she reacts to that? She might get the hint and give you a nice, gentle rejection. Would you then be able to share the workplace with her in relatively low contact?
Hi Trifles.
Thank you for the reply. I only got two hours of sleep today. Couldn’t fall asleep and when I did I woke up after two hours with her on my mind.
I am at a loss as to what to do, despite everyone’s great suggestions. I just read some articles on this site and it made me feel worse. One of them was “Why is my LO leading me on” or something similar and it seemed to fit. The LO likes the attention. They may even be interested in me, just not interested in a relationship with me. It’s not their fault. It’s natural for people to be like that. Just move on, etc etc etc. As I was reading I was thinking “Yeah, everything is great for her, she did nothing wrong, she couldn’t care less how I feel, and in the end all I am is a piece of garbage to her”.
My thoughts are so screwed up. I am now thinking the walkaway she did a couple weeks ago was her rejection of not wanting anything to do with me but she doesn’t want the tension or awkwardness of ignoring me so just wants to say “Hi” and leave it at that. Basically what ABCD told me to do, be polite but nothing more. It has been over a week since I started ignoring her. Yesterday as I was ignoring her I thought if the situation was reversed, I would have went up to her by the third day and asked what was wrong. The fact that she hasn’t done that with me confirms she is done.
Now I feel mad that she couldn’t just tell me but instead felt she had to disrespect me by walking away while I was talking to her. Note, I saw her infrequently for very short periods of time. I never went looking for her. She always came to me. I never said or did anything inappropriate. The only thing I can figure is my enthusiasm around her and my teasing her exposed my limerence and she is preventing things from progressing.
I am thinking my choices are ignore or just be polite. I feel so defeated and like a loser that asking her out would just let her degrade me even more. The final slap in my face. She gets to feel adored and I get to feel like trash and like she will always look down on me, ie that loser thought he could get with me.
Never did I feel like wanting to hurt her emotionally and even wondered why people do that when things don’t work out. However, now I am thinking another option would be if she were to ask me what is wrong, I should tell her I lost respect for her, don’t like her anymore, and don’t want her around me. I know it is just a tactic to save my ego, make me feel like the one in the position of power, and like I am the one rejecting her but also realize this could set off a sh*t storm and come across as insulting and aggressive and jeopardize my job. Also, if she is really done it may not even phase her.
Alternatively I thought if she asked I would request we talk outside of work, off property, and use it as a way to try to finally get to sit down with her one on one with no interruptions and see how she is feeling about us, but I honestly don’t think she would see me as worth her time or inconvenience to do that and I know that is just fantasy wishful thinking.
The first day I started to ignore here I felt great for the first time in 3 months. It kind of felt like I broke the spell. I was the one doing the rejecting. Then when I blatantly ignored her a few days later and knew that she now knows for sure I am ignoring her, she didn’t come to work the next two days, then it was the weekend, and she didn’t come to work the day after our weekend. Of course like an idiot, I fantasized that she missed 3 days of work because she was distraught that I was ignoring her because she has feelings for me. Whatever, it helped me make it through the days. Then I was able to avoid her for three more days and saw each other the next day but didn’t approach. We had our weekend and then yesterday things went bad because she said “Hi” to me as I explained in my reply to Bewitched.
Going to work soon. I may be able to avoid her but that isn’t going to solve anything. Just wish she would honor the nc and let me get past this.
Thanks for letting me journal. No need to reply. I know my thoughts are all over the place. You all have shown such compassion, understanding, and have done more than enough. I just hope I can make it past this eventually.
@Nisor
Hello and thank you for your understanding and encouragement to stay the course. You are so smart, insightful, and full of wisdom.
So far I have been staying strict with ignoring her because I know the alternative is back to square one. As I will mention below in an update I journalled a couple days ago, some days I am confident she will continue to ignore me back and we will stay nc but other days I fear she will break nc to ask why I am ignoring her. I also realize I am still hoping and I need to stop that.
You wrote:
“She was rude, disrespectful and it offended you; why should you treat her any nicer? Some people have no manners and think they can get away with anything. It is not paying her back, it is pride and respect for yourself”.
You are 100% correct. At first I was just going to use this as an excuse to go nc which is what brought me here to ask about it. Had it been any other co-worker I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I was wondering if I was just being irrational and overly sensitive because she is my LO. However, after thinking about it I couldn’t agree with you more. I have always been nice to her. Even stopped doing other things and helping other people to help her. I even warned her when she did it that it was “so rude” but she just kept walking away. She could have said “Sorry I am busy and have to go”, either before or after I warned her but she didn’t.
Funny thing is that I came across a random meme on social media about a week ago that said “The audacity to think I will be nice after being disrespected”.
We think alike. I thought that if she asks why I am ignoring her, it may be an opportunity to ask her out to dinner. In my fantasy she apologizes and asks what she can do to make things right and I say she would have to go out with me, or she asks me to come over for dinner. I worry though that it would make me look pathetic and I would lose my power if she rejects me. Then what, back to ignoring and I look like a wuss?
Alternatively I thought of saying I would only discuss it outside of work and go to a coffee shop and if she agrees, try to gauge her interest. If she declines, I know where I stand with her.
Per your request to keep you and other’s updated, below is what I journalled two days ago. My LO and I are both on our weekend so there has been nc the past two days. In rereading it I see I am looking at things with hope rather than with staying nc forever. I need to stop that. After this I will only post significant updates as it would be inconsiderate to clog this forum with unnecessary day by day updates and also expect people to take the time to reply when nothing has changed.
From what I journalled two days ago:
On Saturday I was working in an area. She had some work to do there very close to me but she hung around quite a bit longer than what I thought was necessary. I kept my back towards her so can’t be 100% sure if my thoughts were accurate. She also knew I was there and could have come later to do the work. I wonder did she come there so I would see her or does she just not care and my presence did not phase her?
Then a little while later I went into an office to file some paperwork. As soon as I entered she was right there facing the entrance. There we were standing face to face about 18 inches apart. I looked to the left of her head over her shoulder so our eyes wouldn’t meet but I could see she was staring at my face for about 5 seconds. When I had entered she was talking to another person standing behind her, but as she was staring at me her voice trailed off and her last five or six words turned into quiet incomprehensible mumbling. I have to admit I thought it was so cute and kind of funny. I went home feeling really good that day. I was interested in other things and I didn’t think much about her. I thought I was making progress. (Additional note added as I post this on LWL. Here is what I am talking about feeling hopeful. When I perceive I am having an affect on her I am happy and I don’t think about her much but if the next day she ignores me (even though nothing has changed) I feel bad and think about her a lot. It should be the opposite. I should be happy she ignores me and anxious if I think I am having an affect on her because she might break nc).
I slept very well but when I woke up the next day I felt limerent for her again. This day (Sunday) I tried to avoid her and didn’t see her at all. I was afraid she was going to try to talk to me and I can’t break nc because I have to get over this LE.
The following day Monday, I only saw her 3 times from a distance, but it felt bad because even when I see her from behind I am so very attracted to her. Longing for her is brutal.
Today (it was Tuesday when I wrote this) I saw her quite a bit compared to normal. We were working in the same area. She walked past me a few times ignoring me and I did the same. She never tries to avoid me when she sees me by going in a different direction. She just walks past me like my ignoring her doesn’t affect her or like she wants me to think it doesn’t. I also wonder if she is doing this because she wants me to see her?
Fifteen years ago at a different employer I ignored a woman I got feelings for because I was trying to go nc. This woman later told me, she spent 3 hours figuring out how to put a selfie of herself on the Windows log on screen on our shared work computer so I wouldn’t forget her. Is that why my current LO doesn’t try to avoid me?
Anyway, I felt confident my LO got the message that I don’t want to talk to her and she won’t break nc. I felt like I no longer have to try to avoid her because I know she won’t interact with me. It gives me a sense of freedom instead of the anxiety I used to have trying to avoid her every day. This is where I have been trying to get to.
Even when I didn’t look at her today and only saw her from my peripheral vision I still felt so strongly attracted to her. Some days I am fine with just seeing her from my peripheral vision and I feel it will be easy to keep up the nc and eventually get over her, but today it affected me more and I don’t know why. I would prefer not to see her at all, but if I have to I know it is better to feel bad being attracted to someone I can’t have than breaking nc and being back to her getting my attention and me getting nothing but longing and misery.
End of Jornal entry.
So today it will be back to work. One thing I am a little worried about. I did a search on ignoring people to try to keep up my resolve to stay nc. Some of the articles said that the longer you ignore someone the more they miss you and more they try to do things to try to get you to stop. In my last job where I ignored the woman I mentioned above, it took seven weeks before she sent me an email asking how much longer I was going to punish her, saying that I am in her heart and in her mind, and that she will be waiting for me. Of course that killed me and I broke nc only to have her tell me months later she is sorry I got feelings for her and that she would never date me. My LO doesn’t have my email or phone number and if she doesn’t care about me hopefully she will just let things go.
Thanks for letting me write. No replies are necessary. I will update if anything significant changes.
Best regards to everyone.
Not too much of an update. Just feeling bad these last two days so want to journal in hopes it helps a bit. No replies needed.
It has now been 7 weeks of ignoring and not speaking to my LO. I had really improved as far as limerent symptoms. Almost back to normal, despite her being on my mind constantly, but the past two days have been very difficult.
Around the 5 week mark I remember feeling really happy near the end of my Friday work day and was thinking I wouldn’t see my LO. Then I did, in close quarters, and I ignored her. I felt bad and guilty for doing it and have had her on my mind pretty much ever since. My goal is not to see her at all because it doesn’t trigger me and I don’t have to feel bad for ignoring her (not that she even cares).
Sometimes I think of things she said or did that were cute or adorable, but mostly it’s like my mind is a blank white wall and in the far upper left corner is a picture of her hanging on the wall. I don’t see the picture directly but I know it is there. That’s how she is constantly on my mind.
At week 6 I was feeling a just a little worse. I don’t know if it is missing her or what because what is there to miss? I got about 1 to 3 minutes of her time every week or so and it felt like torture getting those little breadcrumbs from someone I feel so strongly about. She probably spends more time in a day talking with a single co-worker in her department than she has talked with me in three months prior to me ignoring her. The last time after a minute she walked away from me while I was talking to her which I used as a reason to go nc.
I hadn’t seen her in 18 days straight. She was gone for 6 days in a row plus the weekend. On the first day I was relived. On the second day I was worried and hoped she was okay (why should I care?). As a week went by I assumed she was on vacation but was relieved knowing I wouldn’t run into her.
Then she wasn’t there on Monday after the weekend and was hoping she would be gone another week but she showed up on Tuesday. I can tell by who is logged into our radio system. I didn’t see her though. On Wednesday I had to work in an area that she was in for a little while. Even though I only saw her from my peripheral version the feelings I had were extremely intense, almost like when I first became limerent for her.
I don’t know if it was the length of time I hadn’t seen her and then suddenly seeing her again just made the feelings come back up to the surface or what but it was so strong. I don’t even know what I desire from her. I don’t think much or obsess about sex with her like I did when I first became limerent. Sure I would like to date her, kiss her, hold her, and have sex with her, but that doesn’t come to the top of my mind. I think I just want her to have her to spend time with and do things with and then hopefully get feelings for me. I guess I just want her to be a part of my life more than 1 or 2 minutes a week.
A little later that day I walked into an office she was in but I didn’t know it. As I walked in she was looking through a file cabinet directly in front of me but with her left shoulder toward me (facing to my left 90 degrees). As I came in she looked at me as if to see who was coming in but she held the look for a few seconds as if she was trying to catch my eye. It was a longer look than just looking to see who was coming in and especially longer than it should have been if she was ignoring me as she has been doing. Of course I just diverted my gaze so our eyes didn’t meet and walked past behind her. If she catches my eye I am afraid it is all over. I won’t be able to resist and will end up smiling and caving on the nc which will just put me back to where I was when I started nc and I can’t go back to that.
Today I was feeling down from yesterday. Then I saw what I thought was my LO from a distance and I didn’t feel attracted. Probably my mind playing games but it was like a switch flipped and I had a new perspective. I tried to hold this perspective in my mind. Then as luck would have it, a couple hours later there was an incident my LO had come across that required my attention. A supervisor was needed who called me and responded as well. I waited to respond in hopes the supervisor would get there before me so my LO could leave. As I was going there I saw the supervisor making her way there so I slowed my walk. I arrived about 30 seconds later and approached with my LO’s back toward me. The supervisor said “Hi Gallant” at which time my LO turned and looked at me. She hung around for about 30 seconds and then walked away.
It puzzles me or I may just be overthinking things. Did she hang around so I would see her? Why did she look at me? She knew who it was because the supervisor used my name. Was it just a natural reaction to look? If she wants me to stop ignoring her why doesn’t se try to talk to me?
I think if I was being ignored I would feel like crap and not want to be around the person ignoring me and avoid them. Then again as I mentioned in a previous message a woman in my previous job that I ignored for 7 weeks spent 3 hours figuring out how to put her selfie on our shared computer’s windows log in screen so i wouldn’t forget her.
I also wonder if it is just the fact someone is ignoring her. It could be anyone and she would not like it regardless of who it was. Just the stigma of being ignored and not the person doing the ignoring.
Earlier she sent a text over our radio system on my channel for something that needed attention but which is also logged down so there is no reason to send it over the radio. It was very early in the shift. I wonder does she do that so I see her name? She has done this several times before. Other people do too occasionally so I may be reading into something that isn’t there.
Anyway that’s where we are at. She hasn’t made any attempt to find out why I am ignoring her and just ignores me back. I don’t know if she doesn’t care, if she is giving me space, or if she is afraid I will tell her off. I wish I could read her mind.
By the way, about three days ago I was researching love vs feelings vs limerence because it has been almost 5 months and there are still strong emotions present. Yes I know it is/was limerence but besides her looks I very much like her personality. She is animated and energetic like me where a lot of woman aren’t so that appeals to me. Anyway, in the process I came across and article with the title “13 things she does that shows she likes you or has feelings for you”. When going through the 13 things, she has done maybe two of them. That was another reality kick in the gut and more ammo to keep the nc going. Then the past two days happened and I feel bad again.
By 7 weeks of nc I thought I would be getting past all this. The in finding my previous messages to reply to I was reading comments by people saying it took two or three years to get past this. That is not good.
As people have mentioned, why not just ask her out? That is a completely reasonable and logical question. So why don’t I? Well in my mind it is already going to be a “no’ from her. So if I have no hope and in my mind believe it is a “no” why am I still having a problem with this? Then there is the other part of that equation. After all this and the pain and despair, the final insult would be to let her know how I feel only to be rejected. I lost everything and then on top of that I lose my dignity.
I did come up with a possible alternative. If I break nc tell her I will date her but if she can’t do that I don’t want to be friends.
Gallant, I’m just scribbling some notes in the margins of your journal of that’s ok …
“it’s like my mind is a blank white wall and in the far upper left corner is a picture of her hanging on the wall. I don’t see the picture directly but I know it is there. That’s how she is constantly on my mind.”
I know this all too well (except mine was the right corner – maybe some science of left brain versus right brain of men and women). Anyway, the point is this visualization you have indicates to me that you have your LO on a high pedestal.
Maybe try this….close your eyes and physically take your left hand and place it over the picture covering her nice face with your whole hand, then slowly drag your hand down to move the picture to the far bottom left of your vision.
It helped me take LO off a pedestal at least. It won’t solve your limerence but getting a LO off a pedestal will help. LOs are human with flaws – fact !
I’m not really embracing NC so dont feel best placed to advise further. Maybe you will receive some more mark-ups in your journal from LwL. Best wishes.
Hi Gallant,
I was thinking I hadn’t read any posts from you recently.
I have no advice to offer but at least you haven’t made things worse for yourself.
I think I did kind of lose my dignity over LO. She wasn’t a very sympathetic character.
Though I have recovered somewhat.
Limerence never truly dies though it can lay dormant for a long time. Which is a relief!
What I learnt was whatever happens….it’s kind of all o.k.
Gallant, I recently read some useful advice on an old thread here. I think a poster was replying to MJ’s first post. And you might want to look that link up, I think ADAM at least had it. Basically, in my summary, MJ’s LE was mostly based on eye contact and his interpretation of it. It reminded me of your LE.
Anyway, the poster said: Do not trust anything that you interpret about your LO’s actions. Us limerents can read anything into our LO’s mere glances or them just being somewhere. I repeat: Do not trust your interpretation! There can be dozens of different reasons why she did what she did. She might have her mind on completely different things. She might not even have a clue that you are ignoring her. Look only at the facts.
Sorry if I’m being brutal here, just looking out for your best.
On a separate note:
Imho, that is so interesting! Even though I rarely think about LO these days, when he does appear, he appears in the top right corner of my line of vision. I don’t think I even get a picture of him, more like a thought, or his name. I will try your exercise!
And yes I am recovering quickly, mostly thanks to the long distance but also to transferring – which I’m still not sure was a good idea… But we’ll see…
Dear Gallant,
I know that you did not write looking for advice but I wanted to respond to one thing:
“I did come up with a possible alternative. If I break nc tell her I will date her but if she can’t do that I don’t want to be friends.”
This is not an alternative, to my mind, because it is issuing an ultimatum to someone who you barely know and have spent only a few minutes per week with (before you tried NC). I urge you not to go this route. If you *were* to ask her out, it should best be done after gradually breaking nc and gauging her interest first, otherwise you risk freaking her out.
I feel for you because it seems that your limerence went almost straight to the deterioration phase with this woman, for some reason. Maybe its just because there is a lot of anxiety involved for you. I think we discussed this before and how disruptive it has been for you. It seems as though you need to minimise that, still. NC is a great way to do that, as much as possible (as much as work allows), along with trying IMHO’s excellent visualisation trick. Your feeling of panic when she took 6 days off really reminded me of when I was in a bad phase in my own limerence. I actually googled ‘Man [LOs age in years] dead [LOs city]’ to see if there were any hits. I can now see how irrational I was being, LO was perfectly fine, living with his SO and children and probably not thinking about this LE much at all! Its important not to turn things against our (often oblivious and unknowing) LOs as its not their fault that we’ve got ourselves onto a psychological hamster wheel.
Take care of yourself.
Hi Gallant and Bewitched,
I agree with Bewitched (oh my god, my phone already auto-fills your name!)that this
„ If I break nc tell her I will date her but if she can’t do that I don’t want to be friends.“
might not be a recommendable pick-up line;)
Jokes aside, if you would like to reinstate contact and try dating, I would try getting back to saying hello first for a while. And then it might be the best to just be honest and say something like „hey, I had a difficult time, don’t want to get into it too much, I apologize if I was rude, can we wipe the slate clean and start fresh?“
But only if that’s what you want and can do.
And if it doesn’t work out, there’s still time to say that you don’t want to be friends or have contact any more, there’s no need to state that beforehand.
Also I do not agree with this:
„ After all this and the pain and despair, the final insult would be to let her know how I feel only to be rejected. I lost everything and then on top of that I lose my dignity.“
I think there’s nothing more dignified than being honest and reveal feelings, no matter the response. If the other side responds spitefully or embarrassed, it’s their bad and their problem.
When she rejects you it’s not an insult but simply her right to do so, without saying anything about your worth as a person or your attractiveness or anything.
Gallant hi,
I read you and feel your pain. This is unrequited love.
Yes, you’ll have for a long time. As long as she’s around it would trigger your feelings even if you see her for a few minutes. There’s no magical wand to set you free if this affliction. Just be strong and don’t read too much of what she does or doesn’t do. She’s not limerent, you’re. She’s probably not thinking of you at all. I try to apply this thought to myself when I find myself ruminating about my LO. Just have to bear with it and hope for the best. That is, that it will pass.
I understand when you say:
“After all this and the pain and despair, the final insult would be to let her know how I feel only to be rejected. I lost everything and on top of that I lose my dignity.”
You’re a very proud man and conscientious of your self respect and dignity . If this matters to you so much, then don’t approach her at all. Speedwagon , a LwL poster, approached his LO and she didn’t reciprocate, but they’re both in relationships, so there were real barriers. He ‘s her boss. Can you imagine the pain seeing your LO day in day out and knowing she’s indifferent and oblivious to his emotional state of mind? I think this is what you want to avoid. It will be more painful to know than to keep the uncertainty…
Limerence is hard in our minds and hearts; no question about it.
Wishing you that LO will take the lead or give you a clear signal that she cares and open up with you sometime in the future.
Hello Mila and thank you for taking the time to reply.
You wrote – “(oh my god, my phone already auto-fills your name!)
Lol!!
I agree with you and Bewitched about the ultimatum. Completely out of line for lots of reasons. Thank you both for opening my eyes to that.
You wrote – “Jokes aside, if you would like to reinstate contact and try dating, I would try getting back to saying hello first for a while. And then it might be the best to just be honest and say something like „hey, I had a difficult time, don’t want to get into it too much, I apologize if I was rude, can we wipe the slate clean and start fresh?“
But only if that’s what you want and can do”.
In my general reply to the group last week I agreed with you. I thought I would eventually want to break NC. Upon further reflection I don’t see the NC ending anytime soon and I don’t see dating her ever happening. It’s been 10 weeks of abruptly going NC without giving her a reason and she hasn’t made any attempt to ask why. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go NC to get her to chase me and my biggest fear when starting NC was that she would try to break it so I am relived she is not trying to break it. I just know if things were reversed I would have approached her on the third day of NC and asked if things were okay between us and backed off if she wanted me to or ignored answering me. The fact she has done nothing speaks volumes along with the things I wrote last week about her being dismissive, not having time for me, not being interested in my personal life, and disrespecting me.
Also, when I went NC, it was the first time in 3.5 months that I felt in control for a change. The situation hadn’t change but my perception of being in control did. I went from 0% of how I felt before the LE, with all the bad things a LE brings, to feeling about 60% of the way I felt before the LE. After 10 weeks of NC I feel 90% of the way I used to be before the LE with an occasional relapse. I can’t go back to the way things were before NC.
If I wanted to break NC I think it would be easy. I would first try eye contact with her and see if she keeps it. If so, then a little smile. Then the next time a polite “Hi” and see how she responds. What would be difficult would be explaining why I went NC. Since she was the only one I went NC with, she would know it was about her. Call me paranoid but I would also wonder in the back of my mind if she would agree to wipe the slate clean just to be able to retaliate and “even the score” in the future.
You wrote – “And if it doesn’t work out, there’s still time to say that you don’t want to be friends or have contact any more, there’s no need to state that beforehand”.
I really like this! If I were to break NC I see this as a very smart and valid option I hadn’t thought of. Before reading this I thought I can’t break NC and then start it again if she doesn’t want to date me and I can’t go back to the way I felt before NC. Doing as you suggested gives me the option to return to NC, and coming from you an uninvolved person, lets me know it isn’t a bad idea like my ultimatum.
You wrote – “Also I do not agree with this:
„ After all this and the pain and despair, the final insult would be to let her know how I feel only to be rejected. I lost everything and then on top of that I lose my dignity.“
I think there’s nothing more dignified than being honest and reveal feelings, no matter the response. If the other side responds spitefully or embarrassed, it’s their bad and their problem.
When she rejects you it’s not an insult but simply her right to do so, without saying anything about your worth as a person or your attractiveness or anything.”
While I agree with what you are saying under normal circumstances of finding someone attractive and asking them out, reading responses from others about revealing their limerence to their LO shows people on both sides of the fence. Some feel as I do that they would lose their dignity. I for one would feel a little uncomfortable rejecting someone I was not interested in who asked me out, but would feel very uncomfortable if someone I wasn’t interested in revealed they were limerent on me.
Hi Nisor! Thank you for your reply.
I find it interesting you say this is unrequited love. Been there, done that a couple times. I don’t feel this is unrequited love. I check all the boxes for limerence. I know pretty much nothing about her. Logically I know I am in an altered state of mind. HOWEVER, in the weeks since going NC, I caught myself thinking a couple times about something cute she did and saying aloud to myself “I really love her”. Crazy isn’t it? I think it is the limerence talking.
It’s been 10 weeks of NC and I feel a lot better. I avoid her and ignore her. I won’t even look at her so it helps a lot not to get triggered. Not seeing her doesn’t allow me to read into things she does but the fact she hasn’t asked why I am NC does allow me to read into her doing nothing as her not caring or thinking about me and probably indifferent to the NC or happy about it.
You wrote – “You’re a very proud man and conscientious of your self respect and dignity . If this matters to you so much, then don’t approach her at all.”
Thank you so much for the generous compliment! I don’t plan on approaching her. Been feeling much better especially the past two days and I have 3 weeks of vacation in two weeks so that should help with the physical and emotional distancing even more.
You wrote – “I think this is what you want to avoid. It will be more painful to know than to keep the uncertainty…”
This is the basis of limerence. People had asked why I didn’t just ask her out but all the material about limerence says how we can’t bare the thought of being rejected so we would rather deal with the uncertainty. Better to wonder than to know for sure they aren’t interested. I felt that strongly at the beginning but since going NC I am just more concerned with getting the limerence to subside a lot or fizzle out. If that happens I don’t even see being friends with her as the LE has been such a bad experience and she would just be a reminder of that.
You wrote – “Wishing you that LO will take the lead or give you a clear signal that she cares and open up with you sometime in the future.”
A week ago I would have agreed with you. Although our interactions were short and were spaced over long periods of days, there were times I felt we were both doing this dance of trying to show interest but holding back for fear of being rejected. Being limerent I may have been imagining it. The second to last time I talked to her before going NC she touched me 5 or 6 times within a 3 minute interaction while telling me it was the first time she saw me that week. She touched me only three times in the 3.5 months previous to that. I thought things were escalating. Then a week later after not seeing her for 7 days she stopped and said hello to me and then walked away from me while I was talking to her. I didn’t even get 30 seconds of her time. I even called her out on it telling her it was so rude but she just kept walking.
Now after feeling much better after 10 weeks of abruptly going NC without telling her why, she hasn’t made any attempt to ask me why. That tells me all I need to know. She either wanted me to stay away from her (despite me never going to her and her always coming to me to briefly talk) or she is indifferent to it.
Hello Lovisa.
Thank you for your concern.
Thirteen years ago I thought I had ten good years left to find someone but it didn’t happen so I moved on. I didn’t feel I was lonely. I felt happy and content. Then my LE happened.
As the limerent data suggests, one way to get over ones limerence is to find someone else to get involved with. The interesting thing is I was attracted to other women at work and even had an innocent crush on one for ten years but my LO of course blows them all out of the water, just as the articles on this site say.
When I became limerent I thought how lucky it was that I wasn’t in a relationship with my crush because she could not compare. My LO was magnitudes more attractive, or at the least the limerence was making her appear that way. She has the aura of attraction around her. I would have never known what that meant until I read it on this site. I’d see her and feel this cloud of attraction around her. Couldn’t explain it to anyone but this site described it perfectly.
So I don’t know if I am lonely or if finding someone else is an option but it couldn’t hurt to try.
Oh my goodness, Gallant, that sounds hard. I think you are lonely. I don’t think the limerence will leave until you solve your loneliness. It’s easier said than done.
Best wishes!
Hello Imho, Grego, Trifles, Bewitched, Mila, Nisor, an and Lovisa!
I am so deeply touched by all your replies. I didn’t expect that. You are all wonderful people. I will reply to you individually within the next day or two. I got on here late today trying to avoid it because I am trying to be strong today and I know if I start replying I will be here for hours. Again I ended up writing a novel.
I thank you for the advice on not giving her an ultimatum which is exactly what that would be and even manipulative. I didn’t see it that way but now I see it is like saying “Do what I want or no friendship for you”. Horribly selfish and egotistical. Sounds like a desperate loser, almost threatening and abusive.
I also appreciate the advice on how to start talking to my LO again if it comes to the point. It has been 9 weeks of NC so far. I thought if she doesn’t make the first move it will be NC forever because I couldn’t just start talking to her and pretend nothing happened. This sounded like a really good way to do it. Start out slow with just the hello. She can’t fault me for that and if she says it back great. If not I know she isn’t receptive. I was wondering if I should try to do just eye contact at first. If she looks away I know to leave it alone. Or would that be creepy?
I go from feeling almost normal, to high (I’ll explain why), to feeling bad like today.
So, about 6 weeks ago a new woman started working in the same department as my LO. She is 26 and gorgeous, more so than my LO if I dare say! I was introduced to her and she shook my hand. We saw each other a few times and never said anything. Then about 3 weeks ago she saw me working and said “Hi Gallant, how are you”. I replied back but didn’t think much about it. About a week later I walk into an office and she is there alone. She says hello and goes on to give me one of the biggest compliments I ever got. She said she doesn’t see much of me because I work so fast and that she really likes my work ethic. I made a little joke and thanked her and left.
I remember thinking, it took my LO 3.5 months after she started coming to me (we have worked together almost 1.5 years), to tell me one day (right before going NC) that it was the first time she saw me that week. Normally I don’t pay attention to or keep track of when or how often I see my co-workers, but with my LO I could tell you exactly which days I saw her, and how many days passed between seeing her in those 3.5 months. So it took my LO months to notice, or at least mention, that she hasn’t seen me but this new woman says it within a few weeks.
Fast forward to about a week or so later. I am working and this new woman comes up to me and and proceeds to talk to me for 10 minutes. We know each others ancestry, where we were born and raised, that she has two kids, that she likes watching movies. She asked about the weather where I was born and raised. She told me about a museum that she took one of her kids to that I should go see and other things I don’t recall. From this one conversation we now know far more about each other than what me and my LO know about each other in 1.5 years. The entire time we talked she stayed in one place and we had good eye contact.
My LO is usually walking around me or doing something else while we talk or she will ask me something and then walk away like she can’t tolerate being around me for more than a minute or two, and that’s after not seeing me for a week or more. Right before going NC I looked back to see if there was a point when this started to try to determine if I said or did something inappropriate, which I was careful not to do. Looking back, it has always been like this with her. I see her talking to other people, men and women, standing in one place and facing them. The only personal thing my LO has told me is that she has kids and she said that under her breath and she has never asked me anything personal.
I felt really good the rest of that day after talking to the new woman. Now let me say, this new woman talks to everyone. That’s how I know she is 26 and single. I think she is either really friendly and chatty or trying to get ahead and is trying to get to know people to see who can help her to achieve that. I even suspect she may be a little manipulative so I keep that in the back of my mind. I know she wasn’t talking to me because she is into me and I am not interested in raising two kids as I am too old for that, LOL. What made me feel really good was that this interaction made me feel I was 100% correct going NC with my LO. The way this new woman talked to me is the way my LO should be talking to me if she were interested in me. I realize everyone is different but what a contrast. I mean seriously. If anyone read about how these two woman interact with me and they were tasked with picking which one is interested in me and which one isn’t they would get it wrong.
More recently, six days had gone by and I hadn’t seen my LO. I was feeling really good. The next day I saw her as I was walking toward an office and she came out of it. I changed my direction ever so slightly as to appear I was walking past it. We ended up heading in the same direction where we would have intersected and she hesitated and turned like she was trying to avoid me so I could pass. Later that day I was working and I happened to look up and she was walking straight toward me. She was at a little distance so it’s not like our eyes met, but a couple hours later she ended up saying something on my radio channel instead of hers . I told her she was on the wrong channel (I have done this three times since NC, even though I am ignoring her, because I don’t want her to get in trouble for her messages not getting to who they are supposed to and it is a professional courtesy). Since NC she has never replied when I tell her this but this time she said “Copy. Thank you. Sorry about that”. Later I was working in a different area and she came and walked right behind me even though she could have taken another route to get where she was going. I know I am rambling here and am probably reading things into stuff that isn’t there like Trifles mentioned.
The point is, even though seeing her didn’t give me the overwhelming feeling of attraction, I felt a little down for the next two days. Just the whole situation and the questions. Why did she have to start having to interact with me? Why the limerence? There are a number of beautiful women there. Would I have gotten limerent if any of those gave me attention? Having to ignore her when she didn’t do anything wrong. Wondering if it is bothering her and feeling like a jerk for doing so and not having the guts to tell her why. Thinking she probably couldn’t care less. What a mess.
We have a number of younger pretty women in their 20s working there. A couple I have had quick eye contact with and they have smiled. I just chalk it up to them being polite. A few weeks back one of them I don’t see often was sitting in chair and as I was walking in she looked over her shoulder at me and we locked eyes for about 5 seconds and then she smiled so I smiled back. Thought that was interesting but she’s got to be in her low to mid 20s so forgot about it. Yesterday she was coming down a hall with a cart and another female employee she was talking to and I moved to the side to let her pass. Where I was standing partially hid me and as she went by she jokingly said “Why are you hiding? I wish I could hide”. I laughed and told her I was just getting out of her way. A couple hours later I am in a different location working looking down so I didn’t even see her and she walks by and says jokingly “That looks hard”. I replied that I might need her help.
Again, I am not reading anything as far as interest from her into this. It’s just that I seem to get more attention from young women who you would think wouldn’t even want to talk to an old guy than I do from my LO.
And just a few minutes before that as I am working at that location I happen to pick my head up after looking down for several minutes working and I see from my peripheral vision another woman in the same department as my LO standing right over my left shoulder watching me. Like less than an arm’s length away. I have no idea how long she was there. She never said anything. I asked her jokingly if she was trying to scare me and that she should have said “boo”. She replied “What’s the word? Excited?” I replied jokingly “I am always excited to see you”. She got all embarrassed and bashful and walked away.
These other women don’t have to talk to me, granted the 20 something year old only said a few words but the second time I wasn’t even looking up to see her and wouldn’t have noticed her walk by yet she made the point to say something. I have seen this one several times before and she never talked to me before so why now? Not asking for an answer I just think it’s odd my LO can’t tolerate me for more than a minute of two this one jokes with me twice in a day.
Anyway that made me feel good that day. Then today I see my LO. I come around a corner and there she is in the distance. Usually I pick her up from my peripheral vision so know to keep my eyes diverted but this time I saw her straight on and I altered my path to avoid her without her noticing. Then later I go in an office and there she is with her back to me and I just notice her gorgeous hair. I leave before she turns around and I think “What do I want from this woman”? In the beginning I wanted to be able to kiss her and have sex but as I think about it now those aren’t even the main things. I just want her to be mine. I want to be the guy she wants.
I went home feeling depressed because there is no solution to this. When I don’t see her for days I feel good. When I see her I feel bad. I hate having to ignore her. I hate the thought it might make her feel bad. I hate the thought of breaking NC just to go back to getting 2 minutes of her time per week while she lives her own life forgetting about me as soon as my 2 minutes are up, while I am thinking about her constantly.
What really puzzles me is the fact I think of her and it doesn’t feel bad. It actually feels somewhat good to think about her. Sometimes I think of the cute things she has said or done and I like that. If that’s the case why do I feel bad when I see her? I think the answer is because when I see her in real life so close physically and I want her but I know I can never have her. Well if that’s the case why doesn’t thinking about her cause the same bad feelings? You would think I would feel bad thinking about her and want to put her out of my mind. It’s like thinking about her is a good memory while seeing her is like seeing someone you loved who dumped you and you still want to be with them.
In closing I will mention I have three weeks of vacation in three weeks. I have to make it three more weeks trying to go as NC or LC as possible and then 3 weeks of complete NC. I imagine I will feel really good those three weeks at which time it will be almost 4 months since I started ignoring her. I hoped by then maybe the limerence would be gone and I can stop ignoring her and just treat her like another co-worker but when reading some comments here from others, it may take 2 or 3 years.
Sorry to everyone for not replying within a day or two like I said I would but I have some time now.
Hello Imho and thank you for your reply.
You wrote “I know this all too well (except mine was the right corner – maybe some science of left brain versus right brain of men and women). Anyway, the point is this visualization you have indicates to me that you have your LO on a high pedestal”.
Wow that is amazing and uncanny. I thought it was weird the way she is on my mind only to see it was the same for you except the right side instead of the left. I also agree about the how the visualization so clearly indicates I have her on a high pedestal. I never thought about it like that yet it is so clear once you mentioned it. In the past I know I idealized her as perfect but didn’t think in terms of having her on a high pedestal but today at work before coming here that’s exactly what I was thinking.
It is puzzling the number of beautiful women where I work that I can look at all day when I see them and appreciate their beauty but know they are human with flaws. But I don’t see that with my LO because she is on a high pedestal.
I will try your technique for getting her off the high pedestal.
Thank you for your best wishes.
Hi Grego and thank you for your reply.
I haven’t made things worse for myself. Last week when I mead my general reply to the group I was pretty down. Then I thought of what I had just written in my general reply about how little time my LO gives me and how we know so little about each other. It actually made things clear that she isn’t interested in me.
I did really well this week and for the first time I was feeling some anger toward my LO when looking back at how dismissive she was with our encounters and being disrespectful the second to last time I talked to her. I channeled the anger not toward her as in telling her off but in making my resolve to stay NC with her even stronger.
I think I only saw her twice this week. Once was one of those “come around the corner and she is standing there” things but I suspected she might be in the area so was able to keep my eyes diverted downward so our eyes never met. A little later I had to do some work a few feet from her and she was with a customer and told the customer “thank you” in what sounded to me like a sad voice where she is normally upbeat. Did it have anything to do with me ignoring her for almost 10 weeks? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I didn’t feel too bad after seeing her or if I did, the bad feeling didn’t last long.
The past two days I felt my LO is finally fading from my mind and that my upcoming three week vacation will really do me some good. Then today I saw her from my peripheral vision as I was coming around a corner. Not even her face, just the lower part of her body and it made me feel bad. I think it was because I know she saw me and I imagine she thinks I am such an immature loser. That should be a good thing because I don’t see us ever being friends. There will either be some limerence there or it will be gone and I will have no interest in her because the LE has been a bad thing.
Hi Bewitched. Thank you so kindly for your reply.
As I posted in my general reply to the group last week, you have opened my eyes to the ultimatum being a bad idea. I cringe when I think of it now. She couldn’t care less about me and I would come across as such a crybaby or narcissist.
I agree about gradually breaking no contact before asking her out but I don’t think I will ever ask her out. If she said “no”, breaking NC is just going to put me where I was before going NC with the mood swings and all the other baggage that comes with an LE, while I get breadcrumbs of a minute or two of her time every week or two. The only exception would be if she were to admit having feelings for me or ask me out, but after 10 weeks of abruptly going NC without giving her a reason, and her making no attempt to ask me why, I don’t see either of those two things happening.
I read one post here a few days ago saying how the LO of the poster agreed to date them. They dated 4 months and then the limerent suddenly felt nothing for her LO. She said she felt closer to her friends. Since I know limerence is not a normal state of mind, if I were to ask my LO out and she agreed, I would hate for that scenario to happen to her at four months if she wanted the relationship to continue. I had read that limerence usually ends once the relationship is consummated so was surprised to see this limerent actually dated 4 months before the limerence ended. I would not be opposed to dating a few times, consummating the relationship, and then both deciding we weren’t a good match and ending things but don’t think she deserves dating someone in an altered state of mind.
You wrote – “I feel for you because it seems that your limerence went almost straight to the deterioration phase with this woman, for some reason”.
I agree with this. I ticked all the boxes for being limerent except for wanting to see her to get my fix. I spend so few minutes with her over so few days and despite our interactions being positive, I soon was getting anxious at seeing her and tried to avoid her. The thought of never wanting to see her again came quickly. At the time I thought about why this was and I came to the conclusion that I was mentally and emotionally invested in her but was getting back so little from her. Previously 15 years ago when a female co-worker befriended me after 5 years and we got feeling so each other after two years, we were talking to each other 2.5 to 3 hours every work day so at least I was getting something from her. I think that past experience has influenced my current LE.
The whole LE has been so negative even if the limerence were to fizzle out, I don’t see us being friends.
Although I did panic when my LO took 6 days off, in the past two days I feel her fading from my mind. This might change tomorrow but normally I check our radio system to see if she is logged in, hoping she isn’t so I can feel relieved that she isn’t at work that day but the last two or three says I never even checked to see if she was logged in.
You said – “Its important not to turn things against our (often oblivious and unknowing) LOs as its not their fault that we’ve got ourselves onto a psychological hamster wheel.”
This has been one of the harder parts of abruptly going NC. Sometimes I feel so guilty about going NC thinking I am hurting her, not because I think she is into me, but because being suddenly ignored by anyone you previously got along with can be disturbing. Other times I think it isn’t even on her mind and she couldn’t care less or is even happy and relived I did it. In the end I had to do it. Things only made a turning point from awful to better when I went NC.
Dear Gallant,
Well I am so happy to read your post because it does seem as though you are doing much better after 10 weeks NC. Your anxiety seems to have gone down – well done you!
You said that you have some weeks off work coming up, how do you feel about those, looking forward to a complete break from LO/ work, or maybe a little apprehensive of not seeing her? I think it natural enough to feel a bit of both but hopefully you are mostly looking forwards.
When you said “This has been one of the harder parts of abruptly going NC. Sometimes I feel so guilty about going NC thinking I am hurting her, not because I think she is into me, but because being suddenly ignored by anyone you previously got along with can be disturbing. Other times I think it isn’t even on her mind and she couldn’t care less or is even happy and relived I did it. In the end I had to do it. Things only made a turning point from awful to better when I went NC.”
I would not worry about this, Gallant. Your self preservation was/is at stake. We all need to look after ourselves first. We are of no use to anyone if we are limerently
tunnel-visioned, anyway. Also, its always futile wondering what LO thinks and we could drive ourselves insane trying to guess. What they think probably changes a lot day to day (if they think about us at all). So let’s not go there!!!!
One other thing you mentioned and asked about was whether consummation can end an LE or not. I think we see cases where both outcomes can happen. There have been posts from people that experienced that ending things. But there have also been posts from people who’s LO was someone they eventually went on to develop a long term relationship with (their LO became their SO), limerence faded but was replaced by a more stable long term relationship. It even happened to Dr L himself and some of the first posts on this site explain all about his experience. After seeing thousands of different experiences coming through the site, Dr L has written other posts stating that, on balance, being limerent for some one probably is not a predictor of long term relationship potential (even though it feels like its a major signifier, they are ‘the one’, so special, etc etc). The truth is that it might be / it might not. A lot depends on whether the barriers can be overcome, whether limerent obsession can develop into a more stable bond, knowing and trusting someone, rather than having them on a pedestal while (often) being very remote from them, in practice. The latter is clearly not leading to love, closeness, trust and comfortable familiarity. All in all what is more important as a predictor of long term relationship potential, is the more fundamental things, such as your attachment style, your hang ups, your trustworthiness, your ability to trust, your relationship priorities, having things in common, having similar values, your romantic history and what lights you up about a partner, etc. You are a single man and get to explore all of these things – you lucky devil!!!!! Maybe not with LO, but with someone else?!?!?!?!
All the best to you – enjoy your time off!!
Imho, you are exactly the right person to respond. In fact, you get exactly what I am contemplating in my head. My fear/expectation is that he will just respond with a “happy Easter” or a thumbs up reaction. Especially after I spooked him with my unexpected neediness right before I used that as an excuse to go NC (2 weeks now!).
And where do those reactions leave me? I’ll have to find other reasons to contact him and backtrack on my “promise” of NC. Not a good look… I guess part of the reason for contacting him now would be to show him I am fine, “to save face” after showing my cards last time.
And you are so right, if I’m being honest the texting is only occasionally meeting my needs. It’s just hard to resist the glimmer of someone who intrigues me on every level (intellectual, sexual, emotional). Why oh why did I get myself into this…
I’ve been trying to focus my attention on my loved ones near me and I need to continue on that road. Anyway, you’ve convinced me, I’ll try to hold NC for a little longer – one day at a time, as with any addiction!
Trifles, I’m glad it was helpful. When you are in these heightened emotions, delaying actions is the right thing to do. Your future self will thank you for it. As Whoomp also advised, draft it out and revisit it the next day, and then maybe the next day and the next……
Appreciate you said more in your last encounter than you would have preferred. I have been there and many here too before knowing what limerence even is. Be kind to yourself. I find a way to trick the brain on messaging LO is by saying “not today, maybe tomorrow” and repeat, repeat , then after a week of this same mantra you will probably think it’s not right to send and the need has passed.
I find this is a better tactic than saying I will never ever contact LO ever again which is probably too difficult to actually achieve, when you are are still emotionally attached.
When you are needing help, post here, there is normally someone who will answer you quite quickly. Also to help you, I suggest you read previous blogs. Maybe search LwL for ‘no contact’ and ‘closure’ , but many of Dr Ls blogs will be helpful.
Thank you Imho, those are wise words: “…I find this is a better tactic than saying I will never ever contact LO ever again which is probably too difficult to actually achieve, when you are are still emotionally attached.”
I am emotionally attached, it feels good to admit that. I need to accept my emotions (always had trouble with that), grieve the loss and move on. I’ve found so much useful info on these blogs and nodded my head along to all of it. Most of the tactics I had already instinctively realized on my own but some I wish I had seen sooner!
The description of “person addiction” is very apt for limerence. I quit tobacco. I use to smoke and dip snuff. When I first tried to quit everything was a trigger. Nothing like a dip of Copenhagen after a meal. I can’t stop eating?! Triggers have to be recognized and faced. Eventually, once facing those triggers, they stop being triggers. It’s hard to do I know. I was within 10 minutes of possible contact with her Wednesday this week. I was tempted. I will not lie. But in the end I went north on the highway and not south. Temptation may never end. But always take pride in your decision to do the right thing and let that pride strengthen your resolve to do what’s best for you. And ultimately what’s best for LO. Even if they aren’t doing what’s best for themselves.
“Only know you love her when you let her go.”
Let Her Go — Passenger
https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA?si=IU7–BJZTLfvM0mf
(I’m senile and sober and woken up by intense nightmares at 6am on Saturday the only day I don’t wake up from an alarm. So I hope some of my ramblings make sense.)
Hi Trifles. Sorry could not see a reply button to your post, so here goes.
Yes we do try to trick our mind into thinking that we can stay friends with LO, but can we, without all these emotions coming to the fore? I do recall that some friends here have been able to maintain friendship with LOs.
There can be many intrinsic reasons why we fall for LO – midlife crisis, things not being ideal at home with SO, with monotony setting in, loss of a loved one, among others. Personally I’ve not been able to figure out why I fell for LO, maybe someday. I’m sure this exercise would be useful.
Do you think you can work on things at home with SO? That should help.
All the best!
Adam, good for you for taking the right road!
Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’m a noble enough person (at least in the throes of limerence) to derive pleasure from ‘knowing that I’m doing the right thing’ for LO or SO 🙈… Just plain old selfish urges for LO. My selfishness is also something I’ve been feeling guilty for.
What I’m trying to take pride in is my strength of will to keep NC going, one day at a time (17 now…) But of course I am considering breaking NC today.
ABCD, thank you for saying that. I did consider – and perhaps should continue considering: maybe my lesson from this LE is to reopen lines of communication with my SO. Even though I feel like we’ve been way past that point for a long time now. (Much before LE)
Miss Trifles
I was that way at one time. Im by no means noble. Im in the middle of trying to balance feelings for two different women. A concept that I am not use to. The guilt is unrelenting. I wish I could be what I want to be for both of them. What my dear wife calls my “damed rescue complex”. Or “you can’t save every woman” or “you can’t make up for every bad man in a woman’s life”. Yet here I am.
Are we limited as to the number of replies we can make here? It appears after making a post I can reply to someone’s reply and they can reply back but that is all.
No, I don’t think so, Gallant. Little glitches here and there. The site wasn’t designed for the prolific volume of daily posts that it now faces. Dr L is the victim of his own success in some ways. We limerent folk can get a bit hooked.
So just plough through the messages and try again. Otherwise maybe just reply to the blog itself and note the message details you are replying to at the top your post.
f x
Hi Trifles and thank you for your reply.
I will look up the link you suggested. It will be interesting to see how it compares with my LO.
I agree with you 100% about not trusting my interpretation of my LO actions or eye contact. Thankfully it has been ten weeks of NC and I have managed to not have any eye contact at all with my LO with one exception (when I looked up and she happened to be walking toward me at a little bit of a distance and I looked right at her but it was very brief).
Like all limerents I tried to interpret things she did as having positive meaning but in reflecting on my general reply to the group last week about how little time she spent with me, how little personal info was shared between us, and how dismissive she was with me it has helped to realize her actions mean nothing positive. It wouldn’t even matter what she says now. Her actions are what’s important.
I have no idea what she is thinking based on any of her actions. After 10 weeks of NC, and her making absolutely no attempt to ask me what is wrong speaks pretty well of how poorly she thinks of me. As I just replied to Grego, I was doing really well this past week and feeling she was fading from my mind these past two days probably due to 10 weeks of NC. Then it hit me that if someone I am limerent for is fading from my mind, she probably forgot about me 8 weeks ago, if she thought of me at all.
You aren’t being brutal at all. You are 100% right. Those are the facts.
You too have have thoughts of your LO in the top corner of your line of vision. So crazy how us limerents think about the LO in such a similar way. You don’t get a picture but a thought or his name. I don’t see the face but I know it is there within the frame of the picture hanging on the wall.
Hi Gallant,
I’m interested in reading your posts in comments and wanted to say a few things. Though I may not be totally on point, and I might be repeating what I’ve said previously. The way you describe your LO and your interactions with her I find very poignant, and I can totally relate. I also seemed to have somehow mixed you and MJ’s stories up a bit as there are some real similarities.
Limerence is a sort of blessing but mainly a real curse. My limerent fall happened a couple of decades ago but I still deal with it. The narrative lives on in my mind. The way you and MJ describe your respective LO’s and the work situation I can see the attraction. Limerence is a crush on a whole different level.
There was nothing like this site around when I fell to limerence (actually there was no internet).
My LO was haughty, strikingly beautiful, mean and messed up. For a while we were even ‘friends’ or so I thought. Though when things went sour, she was fine in showing her disdain. It was a performance where she totally controlled the narrative.
I’ve never been able to eradicate her from my mind. But I don’t even know if that would be necessary or even desirable.
I was reading the obituaries about 12 years ago in a broadsheet newspaper and there was an obituary on her father. He was a barrister in a big law firm though it seemed came from a middle-class family. Her mother was French born. Which gave her a mystique and an attitude. Did I mention she was messed up?
I now see I was totally innocent and with some guidance probably not messed things up as much. I totally put her on a pedestal, which she didn’t really deserve. My older self would have gone into ‘damage control’ much sooner and I wouldn’t have given my power away to her.
So, I understand the dilemma of being in thrall to an alluring, glamourous woman but there being no satisfactory outcomes in the encounter. Though when you mention about her touching you on the one encounter several times, I wonder about her intention or if she knows the effect she has on you?
Another downside of limerence is you go over every encounter with a ‘fine tooth comb’ wondering about the significance of what she said or how she behaved.
Limerence is simply an obsession in ones own mind with an ‘Other’. So the man/woman dynamic is simply my experience. It could just as easily happen and as intensely with same sex attraction.
I think part of the reason my obsession was so consuming was the utter ‘Otherness’ of my LO. She was someone almost out of experience. I know she was kind of trouble, I kind of knew but didn’t quite comprehend she was emotionally unstable. These are insights that have come slowly to me over the years.
It was an experience of loss for me. I didn’t really gain anything from it except heartache and a lot of soul searching. Though it was an experience I totally went through so I’ve tried to learn the lesson from it.
*She was someone almost out of [my] experience.
@Gallant,
“What really puzzles me is the fact I think of her and it doesn’t feel bad. It actually feels somewhat good to think about her. Sometimes I think of the cute things she has said or done and I like that. If that’s the case why do I feel bad when I see her? I think the answer is because when I see her in real life so close physically and I want her but I know I can never have her. Well if that’s the case why doesn’t thinking about her cause the same bad feelings? You would think I would feel bad thinking about her and want to put her out of my mind. It’s like thinking about her is a good memory while seeing her is like seeing someone you loved who dumped you and you still want to be with them.”
These are the exact same thought patterns I went through over my LO for months. You worded this like taking the very thoughts right out of my head.
I think back to when my LE was at its peak and it really was in all those days of being in the same building with her everyday and the uncertainty of every little thing she did or didn’t even do. I remember seeing her pack up her things and putting her coat on before leaving one day, and I rushed on over to the breakroom to look out the window, so I could watch her walk to her car. Just that simple, innocuous little act that day is like remembering a holy moment. Yet nothing even happened. It was just a fixation and my skewed mindset. Wanting so bad to just go and talk to her and not even having a clue what that might be. Something good maybe I wanted to remember and never forget. Because just seeing her that day made me feel so good, yet so depressed and sad at the same time.. Because deep down, I already knew she would never by mine.
I think you tend to relish on things because you’re still seeing and overthinking everything about LO and what you want versus what you’re not getting. As I’ve mentioned (and others too), that uncertainty will drive you limerent crazy.. Having some weeks off and not seeing her will probably be helpful. I feel like you are doing ok otherwise with other work relationships and perhaps it would be best to focus more on those to get your mind off LO so much. Hard I know, but it is possible. If you are surely wanting to commit to it. You have to want to.
I admit though, I didn’t.
I wish you luck upon your return and hopefully you can remain committed to NC. I know it’s going to be hard though because I know how she makes you feel.
Keep us posted because we’ll be here for you.
Hi Grego
I don’t think my LO has any idea of the effect she has on me. Before I became limerent on her I was okay with our occasional contact. It was like the wall that is there between people who don’t know each other. I thought she was 20 years younger. She was very aloof so there was always that distance built in and I left her alone. Then she came to me first. At that point I thought that was cool but wasn’t limerent yet so didn’t make too much of it. There were infrequent random occasions of us running into each other.
Then in December she started coming to me for help and saying “see you tommorrow” when we would go weeks without seeing each other. Of course I had to wonder if that meant she was interested in me. A passed experience with a co-work 15 years ago has made me gun shy as she used to tell me so many things indicating interest but in the end never wanted to date me and said she was sorry I got feelings for her.
I knew early on I wanted some sort of no contact with my LO because of the limited time we spent togther. I think and wonder that if I were in her department and we were able to spend more time together if it would have been okay. At least then I was getting something for my obsession like my previous co-worker where we would talk 2.5 to 3 hours per day.
The touching and telling me that was the first day she saw me that wee seemed to be an escalation. The day when this happened and she first approached me my plan was to be cold to her but I couldn’t because of all the touching and mirroring of my actions she was doing. Then I see her a week later and she doesn’t have a minute for me and walks away while I am talking to her so I used that as an excuse to go no contact. Had she escalated more I don’t know where we would be at today.
When I think back there were times that look like interest but more times that didn’t and I have written that before so not going to rehash it. I guess I just wanted a solid sign of interest but it never came so when I got the excuse to go NC I took it. To date, almost 11 weeks later she hasn’t tried to talk to me.
Hello MJ and thank you for the reply
I managed to not see my LO for two days after our weekend, which for some reason seemed to be more difficult for me. I was thinking about her more and now the thoughts were front and center with me picturing how she looks. Almost made it to the end of our shift on the third day without seeing her. However, about 30 minutes before the end of our shift I was walking down a hallway toward an intersecting hallway and just as I got up to the intersecting hallway she same walking by. She turned and looked at me and then continued to an office that I was also going to. Crazy how in a big place where we work we both end up in the same place at the same time.
I followed her into the office and of course neither of us said anything. She went into a file cabinet to the left and I walked past behind her to where I had to go. The new 26 year old was also in the office with her back toward us and when I got closer to her I said “Hey xxxx”. She turned around and asked how I was and I said I was well and asked how she was. This was about 10 feet from my LO so I know she heard it.
When I turned to leave the office as I was walking past behind my LO who was still in the file cabinet it sounded like she was softly and quietly singing. It was quiet, almost under her breath, so I can’t be sure but what it sounded like were the words “sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry”. Again I am not certain but of course now I am wondering if she was trying to apologize or was she singing or thinking out loud? I never heard her sing before but it did sound that way so why would she sing “sorry”?
Of course my day is ruined again. I am beginning to think quitting might be the only way out. I hate having to be like this to her and wonder if it bothers her or if she doesn’t care. I don’t know which would be worse. I don’t want to hurt her but that would be an egotistical assumption that she is interested in me so it is bothering her. If I were to stop being like this it would only go back to the way it was with me being limerent and getting a couple minutes a week of her time and feeling jealous.
I guess my hope is that the limerence fizzles to nothing and I can break the NC and we can just be like normal co-workers. Been six months since I got limerent and almost 11 weeks of NC yet these past few days just seems to make me think of the idealized version of her more.
It is just so frustrating not having a solution. Everything has a bad outcome, unless she would be interested and want to date, but after 11 weeks of NC and her not even attempting to ask me what is going on, I don’t see that as a possibility. I have tried to convince myself she would never be interested in me as a way to kill the uncertainty. All my life it’s always been one sided. I liked someone but they didn’t like me. Someone liked me but I didn’t like them. Why would this time be different. I could never imagine what limerence was like without having it happen to me. I would be freaked out if I heard someone I wasn’t interested in admitted the were limerent on me.
I could ask out any number of beautiful women and be rejected and it wouldn’t be that big a deal but with my LO it would be devastating. Not just the rejection but the fact she would know I am limerent or at least interested in her romantically. At least now I feel I have some dignity.
I sometimes wonder if she was just toying with me, trying to see if she could win me over but not actually being interested.
No matter what I do I feel bad and again hate that there is no solution. Wish I knew what was on her mind. Got 7 more days before my vacation. I wish I could at least get to the point where seeing her wouldn’t ruin my day.
Hi Gallant,
I’ll keep this brief. I think what Lovisa has said in her post below, is very pertinent and insightful. You may consider, approaching LO with some humility and apologize if you’ve appeared rude or cold to her. Obviously, you don’t have to divulge any personal feelings you have for her.
The altered state of Limerence can make us act in bizarre ways.
This is my hunch, but if you do this it will make you feel better about yourself, and you’ll get rid of any burden of guilt you may feel. You seem to be carrying a lot of angst and this is one way to off load it. By as the say in Zen ‘swallowing the blame’. It will get your juices flowing and clear your head and the depression may dissipate at least for a while. Our pride can be a real albatross around our necks.
best wishes and take it easy.
@Gallant,
“I would be freaked out if I heard someone I wasn’t interested in admitted they were limerent on me.”
You state that you would be freaked out if by chance somebody felt that way about you. Has it occurred to you LO just might possibly be freaked out somewhat by any of your behaviors and simply doesn’t know how to react to any of it? Possibly due to the fact that you don’t seem to own up to the the feelings you do have for her?. (Good or bad ones.) Which means she can’t address them then either. So she may have decided she doesn’t like you much and that is why she is avoiding you altogether now. I could be wrong but it’s just something you might want to consider.
The 11 weeks of NC pretty much speak for themselves. If there is one thing I learned throughout my LE is that if LOs truly want to reach out, then they will. It might be possible she was singing “sorry” to you but personally I think thats just your limerent mindset playing tricks on you again. As limerents we always want to believe any little breadcrumb LO gives us is like the biggest and best deal ever. Once limerence fades and you come back down to earth and see it for what it is, only then will you see how wrong you were and that she’s simply living her life. Unfortunately without you in it.
Believe me man, I know that feeling sucks. I still get jealous when I think LO is doing stuff with her guy friend, but there is really nothing I can do to change it. So I’ve almost made peace with that fact. Throwing any of my limerent feelings on to her would just be wrong anyway, so I figure there will have to be another way I consider talking to her when/if I ever get the chance. It may or may never happen but it will have to start small. Even if it’s only work related talk.
At this point I feel like it would ease your suffering greatly if you could just simply ask your LO if she’s interested or not and go from there. I mean yes it’s very awkward and will be difficult to do, but she might be picking up on your cold/awkward behaviors, so at this point, what do you have to lose? Think of how much easier your days would be emotionally. Like you say you’re even considering quitting your job over this person. Don’t let this LE have control over your livelihood. It’s not worth it. Unless of course you really hate your job. There were a lot of days LO made me feel like a wreck of emotions coming into work, but I never considered quitting. In my head, I had to keep reminding myself, in no way, could LO ever have that much power over me.
“I sometimes wonder if she was just toying with me, trying to see if she could win me over but not actually being interested.”
A woman’s greatest ambition is to inspire love..
MOLIÈRE
This was a very good article Dr. L wrote about awhile back concerning hypersensitive LOs. This might be a possibility in your situation. See what you can take from this article and perhaps it can give you guidance in the interim..
Keep us posted Friend..
Why are they leading me on? – Living with Limerence
https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-are-they-leading-me-on/
Hi Guys, I must give the female perspective on behalf of Gallant’s LO.
I think Gallant wondered if she was playing a game with him when he commented,
“I sometimes wonder if she was just toying with me, trying to see if she could win me over but not actually being interested.”
This is very unlikely. Most likely, she thought Gallant was nice and interesting and she was warming up to him. WOMEN LIKE PEOPLE. We don’t view gender differences in the way that men view them. We believe we can be friends with anyone and their gender is irrelevant. You boys sure know how to pull the rug out from underneath our feet when you assume that because we are friendly, we are romantically interested. A friendly woman is just a friendly woman. There could be attraction, too, but more likely, she is just friendly. Let me give you an example…
If Gallant’s LO laughed at his joke, she will probably think, “Gallant is funny.” And she will look at him while she is smiling. Gallant might think, “She is making eye contact. She wants me.” In a situation like that, it is possible that she feels romantic attraction, but most likely, she just thinks he is pleasant because his joke was funny. She can like Gallant without being romantically attracted to him. She can like him as a friend.
Seriously, we don’t mean to lead you guys on. I hope that makes sense. I don’t want Gallant to assume that his LO was toying with him. It is unfair to her.
I just remembered a time when I was on the receiving end of this. A boy who I grew up with was suddenly mean to me in high school. He had always been nice to me. He was someone who I liked (not romantically, I just thought he was interesting and nice) then he started being rude to me when we were a little older. It was very confusing. I wondered if I had done something wrong. The situation was baffling. I mentioned it to a mutual friend and the friend said, “You didn’t do anything wrong, he just has a crush on you.” I was completely confused. Why would he treat me badly when he has a crush on me? It seems like he would want me to like him so he would treat me well. Honestly, I am still baffled by it.
Thanks Lovisa!
I also don’t think Gallants LO was leading him on.
People can just be friendly and agreeable without hidden ploys at seduction, be they male or female, and also there is a in- between where an interest starts, it’s just not decided yet of what kind, friends or romantic, because it’s too early to tell.
Hi Grego
In reading through the replies and I 100% agree. I can’t even say “yeah, but…”.
The real turning point for me came when I went NC. It didn’t solve everything but I went from feeling 0% like my old self for 3.5 months to 50 or 60% like my old self. For once I felt in control. Things were looking like they were going south anyway and me pulling the plug before she did gave me a sense of power.
The last time we talked where she only gave me 30 seconds or a minute when she hadn’t seen me in a week and then walked away while I was talking to her may have been a big hint for me to back off, which I did. Granted, I never came looking for her. She always came looking for me or came across me and approached me. I spent so little time with her that I wasn’t a pest or overstaying my welcome. Maybe she just lost interest. Who knows.
The point I am making is that I had to go NC because as I have explained before, spending so much mental energy thinking about her but getting only bread crumbs was killing me.
That may sound selfish but it was what really changed things for me. As NC continued it got to the point where I felt guilty when I saw her and ignored her. That’s why I felt so much better when I didn’t see her at all. I could stay NC and she wasn’t being ignored because I wasn’t around.
I have mentioned before, I have had feelings of being torn between breaking NC or not. I asked myself if it was because I missed her and concluded how can I miss someone I got three minutes of time with every week or two. I also considered it was hurting her but I reconciled that with this part of an article from this site which is what convinced me to go NC and which I will quote now –
“2) Consider the need for self-preservation
In moments of clarity, limerents know that they cannot be sure that they will act as they should when in the presence of LO, because limerence is a bastard. Deciding to continue a friendship for reasons of misguided loyalty, or embarrassment at looking bad, or any other reason, frankly, could be seen as an act of self-sacrifice.”
“Yes, it will probably hurt LO that you are no longer as available to them, but will it hurt them as badly as the limerence is currently hurting you? Will their life be as badly disrupted and derailed by your quiet withdrawal from it, as your life is disrupted by the suffocating uncertainty of limerence?
It’s fine to protect yourself from harm, even if the harm is being caused by an unwitting friend.”
So that’s where I am at. Yes I could apologize and start talking to her and relieve the burden of guilt but at what cost? Last week I was really feeling good but for some reasons the weekend made me think of her more and then seeing her yesterday didn’t trigger me in the sense where there is the strong attraction. It triggered me knowing she is okay having gone 11 weeks with NC. Again not her fault or problem. That’s on me to deal with.
Best regards and thank you for your insight.
Hello MJ
You wrote –
“You state that you would be freaked out if by chance somebody felt that way about you. Has it occurred to you LO just might possibly be freaked out somewhat by any of your behaviors and simply doesn’t know how to react to any of it?”
I see what you you are saying. I guess my point is I don’t feel I can burden her by telling her I am limerent. I wouldn’t want to know if someone is limerent on me if I weren’t interested in them and here is why. What could I do about it? Nothing. I did imagine in my mind a few weeks ago what would happen if I told her. I figured she probably wouldn’t know what it means and look it up. I did just that and of course saw all the things we all know about it. The obsessive thinking etc. I would look like a mentally deranged obsessive stalker. That would be scary to anyone. You wouldn’t want them anywhere around you.
The Crappy Childhood Fairy has many videos on You Tube about limerence and although the vast majority are sympathetic to the plight of the limerent, she has one that talks about when people have been limerent on her and she felt it was icky, despite her having been limerent on people herself. She said in that case the LO must end the friendship with the limerent. I have basically done that without her having to do it.
You wrote –
“Possibly due to the fact that you don’t seem to own up to the the feelings you do have for her?. (Good or bad ones.) Which means she can’t address them then either. So she may have decided she doesn’t like you much and that is why she is avoiding you altogether now.”
What am I to do? As I mentioned above, I am not going to disclose to her. What could she do to address them? Feel burdened or repulsed? Looking at everything and the recent replies I can say with 99.99% certainty she has zero romantic interest in me. I think I knew that early on but wanted to believe differently. It is also why I wanted to go NC early on despite our interactions being positive. I knew limerence is selfish and she could have any guy she wants. I can’t really offer her anything if she isn’t attracted to me.
As for her not liking me much. I wanted to burn the bridge by going NC. The first couple times I didn’t reply to her greeting could have been interpreted by her as me being busy the first time and not hearing her the second time because I was at a distanced from her. Afterwards when I walked right past her, diverted my eyes and completely ignored her was when there was no mistaking I was ignoring her. As I posted here previously, when that happened I felt like a complete jerk and imagined how she thought I was an immature horrible piece or garbage. So yes it bothered me but I also thought that would burn the bridge and keep her from trying to talk to me and prevent NC. Surprisingly she still greeted me a few times after that which I ignored.
I hear you about her singing sorry. Although it sounded like sorry, the fact she was singing it made me think it either wasn’t sorry or it was a song with a word that sounded like sorry. If she wanted to say sorry as I walked past behind her she could have said it loudly so there was no mistaking it. She wouldn’t have to confront me or face me. Just say it out loud. Instead it was soft and quiet.
As for the LO reaching out, when I went NC I thought there could only be two acceptable outcomes. She confesses interest, feelings, or the desire to date (doubtful), or I stay NC. This may be my limerent mind again but there were times in our brief interactions where I felt we both wanted to escalate things but we both were afraid of being rejected by the other. Me going NC was basically a rejection of her so now that fear is no longer there so she has nothing to lose by telling me she is interested if she in fact is. However, as I type this I think if she doesn’t know why she was rejected, perhaps she would feel a loss of dignity to confess to someone who doesn’t want you.
Also as far as reaching out, I have to agree with Mila who said-
“if a co-worker suddenly started to ignore me and two or three times rudely not answered my „good morning“ , I might only ask what’s the matter if I was unsure if I behaved in any way hurtfully.
If I was sure I was ok all the time, I wouldn’t bother.”
I said I would have asked my LO on the third day if something was wrong but now see that’s because she is my LO. Anyone else I probably wouldn’t care.
You wrote –
“Once limerence fades and you come back down to earth and see it for what it is, only then will you see how wrong you were and that she’s simply living her life. Unfortunately without you in it. ”
When I have had unrequited love, that was blind. After getting over that I looked back and saw how wrong I was and how terrible my judgement was. I actually know what is living her life without me. That’s what made me go NC early on. I was investing so much mental energy and I knew she was living her life without a single thought of me. Once I went NC that changed. I thought she was still living her life without me but at least now I wasn’t giving her anything and it made me feel okay.
As I mentioned in other replies I really don’t think I will ask her if she is interested. Too many indications she isn’t and more insight I have gained her is like a smack on the side of my head that she wasn’t. The uncertainty isn’t there. I convinced myself a while ago there is no romantic interest on her part so NC is the only solution.
I like my job a lot but I don’t need it. I could retire early and make more than I make at my job. I just want to keep working to leave more for my child when I die. Like you, some days I am wrecked with emotions and think quitting might be the way to go. I have never been limerent in my life before and this hit me like a freight train. I am minding my own business happy and content not needing a relationship and bam! If I did quit it is NC and my LO wouldn’t have to feel she is being ignored.
I read the link you posted and it rings true. Even if she was, it wasn’t to make me limerent. People even flirt and don’t mean it to go any further. It’s normal. That link and a couple other replies from women here convinced me she feels nothing romantic for me which is helping me to not look back and not worrying that she might feel bad I am ignoring her.
Hi Lovisa
Great perspective and reply from you. A good slap in my face to wake me up to reality. We have heard it before that women can be friends with guys but guys can’t be friends with women.
I think my LO liked the attention. She didn’t know the effect she had on me. She probably knew I liked her more than just a co-worker friend but I am sure she doesn’t know the extent. I always kept things appropriate like friends should. No flirting or inappropriate comments or actions but I do think I was too nice at times doing things for her that she didn’t require me to do. In fact if she did have any interest that probably killed it being the nice guy.
Some really good comments here today waking me up. Thank you all for your honesty and not just sympathizing with me and agreeing to make me feel better. This is helping me to move on.
Hi Mila
I think that was an issue with us too. With me becoming limerent so quickly things never had a chance to flow naturally to see where they would go. Maybe they would go nowhere and maybe they would go somewhere. Very quickly I wanted NC. I purposely avoided her for days or almost two weeks at times and then saw her for only a 2 or 3 minutes with her being the one to walk away. There wasn’t enough time for anything to grow.
Just came back to journal some more as I am having another difficult day. I just feel trapped with no way out, like a cornered animal. I was feeling good a few days ago like my LO was fading from my mind but for some reason my weekend was rough with thoughts of her. Some days I see her and feel bad, mostly for ignoring her or for thinking she feels I am a jerk, but I recover within an hour. Other days if I see her briefly from a distance or in my peripheral vision it doesn’t affect me much at all.
I don’t know if it was because she looked at me today and since I was looking straight and didn’t know she was going to be there I pretty much looked right at her face from a few feet away, but she quickly turned it forward again. The thing is, she was wearing glasses today. I only saw her wear them once before a couple weeks ago briefly from a distance. For a second I thought it was one of our other co-workers but I knew by her beautiful long hair that it was her. Call me shallow but to me women look less attractive in glasses. We have another co-worker (the one I thought she was ) who I was attracted to but then she started wearing glasses and I completely lost the attraction. When I saw my LO today I though this could work to my advantage. If she wears the glasses all the time I might lose the attraction. Of course what does my limerent mind do? It thinks perhaps she is wearing glasses now because she found a guy in the 11 weeks I have been ignoring her so doesn’t have to look so attractive anymore. Then I start to wonder if this is true, would it would have happened anyway even if I didn’t ignore her? If so it is better to be NC. Did it happen because I ignored her? My imagination is going wild over what could be nothing. I knew months ago her eyesight was not good close up so figured she probably wears glasses outside of work but that didn’t affect me wanting to date her.
Yet I still feel bad today. I hate to sound like a jerk but I think the lack of feedback is killing me and for selfish reasons. If I knew she is missing me it would make me feel better, but that would mean it is perhaps hurting her which I shouldn’t want. If I knew she couldn’t care less or is affected but only because she sees me as somewhat of a friend, of course that makes me feel bad because I want her to see me as more.
When I add everything together, what I saw as signs of interest vs no signs of interest, especially not having time for me and never asking me personal stuff, I logically came to the conclusion she isn’t interested in me romantically. Did she go from touching me a lot during one encounter, mirroring me, and saying that was the first time she saw me that week (meaning I was on her mind enough for her to noticed she didn’t see me the other days of the week) to not having a minute to talk to me a week later and walking away when I was speaking to her because she was really busy? Was she playing hard to get? Did she lose interest? Or was she just being polite to stop briefly to say hello but never really interested in me or lost interest quickly?
When I went no contact and it was absolutely clear I was ignoring her, she still said “Hi or good morning to me” two or three more times which I ignored. She gave up pretty quickly though. I would have kept saying it if things were reversed but eventually given up. Maybe she was trying to give me space.
I wonder what I would do if I were ignored by a co-worker. With my LO I would have went up to her by the third day and ask what was going on but I also have limerent feelings for her. I don’t know about other co-workers. We all have co-workers we like to varying degrees. I actually have some that do ignore me but that’s because we never have broken the ice. It doesn’t bother me because I know it isn’t on purpose.
A while ago today I was thinking maybe it is time to ask her for a talk and just be honest about everything. If she isn’t interested at least I could go NC and she would know why and not feel hurt (if she even does now). Other times I will feel a little better and think ‘F’ it, I will stay NC and either get over her or she will come to me if I mean something to her and I won’t come across as a needy guy. I also sometimes consider asking her co-workers what my LO thinks about me but quickly realize what a bad idea that would be. My limerence is no one’s business and I don’t need people in my business spreading it or rumors. I do think though it would be nice for one of them to come up to me and tell me my LO likes me and hates me doing nc.
Limerence is a bitch. I am sitting here investing all my energy and thoughts into my LO who is out there living her life without a thought about me. At least it is a lot better than when I wasn’t in NC. That was worst because I was giving her time and attention and not getting much back. Why couldn’t this LE instead be like our new 26 year old co-worker. She is gorgeous, engaging, nicer, and pays more attention to me and gives me more time than than my LO. As I mentioned in another post, she talks to everyone so I know there isn’t any romantic interest from her and I am not jealous in the least but I get a sort of high after talking to her. Makes my day and tells me what is missing from my LE. Then a day or two later I am back to thoughts of my LO.
I just have to keep up NC until my vacation after 7 more work days. I know the three weeks off will do me well but as much as I hope for a miracle and the limerence fading, I know that probably won’t happen.
I worried so much in the beginning of NC that my LO would try hard to get me to break it but am relieved she hasn’t. Why not? Does she just not care? Is she giving me space in hopes I eventually start talking to her again? Is she afraid of approaching me about it? She doesn’t realize all she would have to do is block my path by standing in front of me and looking me in the eyes. I would not be able to resist her.
End of rambling.
Gallant,
if a co-worker suddenly started to ignore me and two or three times rudely not answered my „good morning“ , I might only ask what’s the matter if I was unsure if I behaved in any way hurtfully.
If I was sure I was ok all the time, I wouldn’t bother.
The other person is an adult, he/she can come up to me and tell me what bothers them, and if he/she decided instead to act like that, he/she can do that, but I will stop greeting this person too, I certainly won’t spend more energy on this person.
What do you expect her to do? You ignore her, you cannot expect her to actively change that, that’s up to you if you want it. She might be scared of you, too, since she really has no idea what’s going on.
I just try to show it to you from her perspective, no offense.
Hi Mila,
I think both what you and Lovisa have posted are accurate to the situation Gallant is in. I do get Gallant’s situation, but we can so easily get wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings that it blocks everything else out.
We also have to take into consideration the other persons perspective and be able to put ourselves in their shoes and what they may be going through.
Hi again Grego
I know what everyone is saying. In another reply I posted the info about self preservation. Under the circumstances I have to do what is right for me. It may not be right, it may not be mature, it may not be responsible, but no one is going to do anything for me including my LO.
It is now pretty clear my LO doesn’t have any interest in me and that me ignoring her is not a problem for her and probably a relief.
Early on when I first came to this website and posted about wanting to go NC and using her walking away from me as an excuse, I was feeling suicidal at times. Limerence does mess with your thoughts and mind but in the end I have to do what works for me regardless of my LO’s perspective.
Hi again Mila
I hear you loud and clear. As I mentioned, I would have approached my LO if things were reversed but realize that’s only because I see her as a LO.
I did try to look at it from her perspective. I imagined if my co-workers ignored me. We all have varying degrees of closeness or friendship with co-workers. Some we like, some we don’t, and some we like a lot.
I came to the conclusion that 99% of the people at work could ignore me and I wouldn’t even notice and the other .99% I wouldn’t even care. It would have to be someone like my LO I had feeling for. I might approach someone I am a little closer too but probably wouldn’t care that much if they didn’t want to tell me and continued to ignore me. Although I am pleasant, polite, and greet my co-workers, I am very private and keep to myself. If you were to ask a number of them what they know about me you would get very little information.
I now know my LO hasn’t approached me because she doesn’t care. It is not up to her to approach me if I am the one who decided to ignore her. She doesn’t owe me a thing and I am sure she sees things as you do. I also think this is what she might have wanted by walking away from me when I was talking to her which I used as a reason to go NC. If someone is boring us with their talk or we don’t like talking to them we look at our watch, look at our phone, look around, or make up an excuse to leave. To simply turn and walk away from someone and who has been talking to you for less than a minute and who you haven’t seen for a week is a pretty big f*ck you. Either that was a huge hint for me to stay away from her or she thinks so poorly of me and has so little respect for me that she felt she could do that and I will be nice to her afterwards. I think he greeting me days after that may have just been her being polite so as not to cause friction but I would have had a lot more respect for her if she just would have started ignoring me. I get it may have been uncomfortable for her to come up to me and tell me to stay away from her, not knowing how I might react, but once she walked away she should have realized what she was communicating. Again, I never went looking for her. She always came to me and only spent 2 to 3 minutes before leaving, and that’s after not seeing her for days or a week or two.
I agree she shouldn’t spend any energy on me and I am not spending any energy on her. I have thought about how she now no longer has to waste even 1 second of her time and energy talking to me, greeting me, or even acknowledging or looking at me. I see her talking to other co-workers, male and female, for much longer periods of time, facing them and giving them her full attention. With me she was always walking around or doing something. She would say something and walk away and then come back a few seconds later, wash, rinse repeat. Or she would say something and then walk away for good. That puzzled me in the beginning. She would seek me out but leave quickly. I never hung around her or hounded her. I just let her walk away as I stood there a little dumbfounded. Other times she would be doing tasks while talking. I was never a priority but I always made her a priority when she asked for help.
“ I agree she shouldn’t spend any energy on me and I am not spending any energy on her”
Hi Gallant, I didn’t actually mean you two specifically since I have no full knowledge of the situation, I just wanted to show generally how many people would behave in a similar situation. It might well be that she acted/acts in a completely other frame of mind.
The important thing is that it’s all conjecture, what you assume she’s thinking and also what I gave as an example what she might be thinking. It’s all interpretation and guesswork. There might not be much behind it, there might be a lot behind it, all possible.
Since you cannot know, it’s probably best to stop guessing and either approach her to know for sure, or force your mind onto other business and make an end to this story.
(I know it sounds too easy. God knows that I couldn’t follow my own advice oftentimes…
But it’s not good to poison your own work life like that any longer! )
Gallant, I see that you were rambling and perhaps you don’t want actual answers to your questions, but I would like for you to consider something.
Your LO is a person with feelings. I think you get so preoccupied with your feelings and your wants and your needs that you don’t think of her. You want what you want from her. Well…what about what she wants? She probably wants a comfortable work environment with people who are polite to her. You are cold. She doesn’t know why you are cold. No matter how she feels about you, she probably doesn’t like the way you treat her.
Anyway, I’m sorry you are suffering. I hope you find a solution that works for everyone involved.
Spot on, Lovisa.
I do understand Gallant, as we limerents tend to warp reality and load heavy expectations on innocent LO. We have to be aware of that and check ourselves. I‘m guilty of that too.
Thanks Mila, I thought your comment was spot on, too.
Hi Lovisa
I have pretty much addressed what you said in other replies.
Of course my LO is a person with feelings. I have know for months that limerence makes us feel selfish and it is all about what we want from the LO. I also realized I have nothing to offer my LO when she could have pretty much any guy she wants. Rich handsome guys with big houses and fancy cars. I knew deep down there would never be anything between us. Even if she agreed to date, the limerence puts me into this far too deep. If we dated I would constantly be worried things wouldn’t work out and it would be even harder when she would dump me. Instead of just being natural and myself I would be trying too hard to please her in order to keep her. The entire thing is a recipe for disaster.
I agree my LO wants a comfortable work environment where people are polite to her. Everyone deserves that including her. I know a number of people who don’t like her, or at least have mentioned things about her they don’t like personality wise. I heard these things early on about her. I consider what people say but always wait to make a decision based on my own experience. I have seen and heard how some of the guys on my own team talk rudely to her and I never knew why. I didn’t like it and that always bother me so when she started coming to me I was always the opposite and made sure I treated her well and as an equal. When she asked me for help, instead of degrading her or talking to her like she was stupid as the other guys did, I told her we would figure it out together. When I showed her something she didn’t know and she told me she learned something, I told her I learn from her too so we make a good team (at which time she gave me a playful push on my shoulder. That’s the first time she said “see you tomorrow” when we wouldn’t see each other for days at a time, which hinted to me that she wants to see me. Then when she happened to see me the next day she walked by and gave me a playful pretend punch on my shoulder. One of my team mates I was with who is rude to her saw that and had the most puzzled look on his face). During the Christmas Holiday season when she mentioned a number of her co-workers were calling off she said she doesn’t do that because she is dedicated (which I knew from watching her work) and I told her “I know and I am very impressed” at which point she gave me a shoulder hug.
So yeah I get being polite to her. I never saw the negatives other people did even before becoming limerent. In exchange I got 2 or 3 minutes of her time every week or two, her being dismissive, and her walking away from me while I was talking to her.
Now I am cold to her. Does she know why? I don’t think she cares. If she thinks about the last time we interacted she walked away from me when I was talking and as she walked away I said “that is so rude”. She just kept walking. Maybe that’s how she treats people and doesn’t think anything of it.
But I digress. I explained in another reply about the article on this site about self preservation and I will quote part of it again here –
“2) Consider the need for self-preservation
In moments of clarity, limerents know that they cannot be sure that they will act as they should when in the presence of LO, because limerence is a bastard. Deciding to continue a friendship for reasons of misguided loyalty, or embarrassment at looking bad, or any other reason, frankly, could be seen as an act of self-sacrifice.
Yes, it will probably hurt LO that you are no longer as available to them, but will it hurt them as badly as the limerence is currently hurting you? Will their life be as badly disrupted and derailed by your quiet withdrawal from it, as your life is disrupted by the suffocating uncertainty of limerence?
It’s fine to protect yourself from harm, even if the harm is being caused by an unwitting friend.”
So that’s what convinced me to go NC. If she doesn’t like the way I treat her I default to the article above.
Furthermore, the recent replies today have opened my eyes to reality even further and I am grateful and appreciative for the honesty. I now know me ignoring her isn’t affecting her. Even if it did at first, by 11 weeks it should be a distant memory. As I mentioned last week, I was actually feeling 90% of my old self and felt she was fading from my memory. Not sure why the weekend triggered me back to thoughts of her.
I don’t know of a solution that works for everyone other than me quitting. I get to stay nc and she gets a comfortable work environment with people being polite to her. That or the limerence fizzles out and she just becomes another co-worker but by then the damage is done. There is probably no coming back from this. Nothing appealing of being friendly with someone who ignored you for months.
Hello Gallant. I have been following your LE, and a lot of the stuff you said really rings many bells.
As you mention, the ideal scenario is that you can see your LO and interact with LO without limerence creeping in. Of course this is easier said than done, but our hope is that it becomes closer and closer to reality with the passage of time. I have personally experienced a lot of what you are going through. Back in the time, this hot-cold behavior of my LO really used to drive me nuts. Like with you, there were some instances when we just walked past each other, without a greeting. I remember those hurt a lot, but I always used to feel better. In one such situation, I did muster the courage to go and speak to her, and I remember it felt good. Sometimes, I used to get the feeling that she knows I am limerent for her, and she toyed with me. Whether this was true or not, who knows.
I am sure your vacation time will help you immensely, as seeing LO seems to be a trigger to feeling not so good. I am feeling better now, have been NC for about 6 weeks. We shall see what happens when there is contact, but I am confident of handling that. Most importantly, I am now not using LO for mood regulation, hope this streak continues.
To sum up, I went though many experiences that seem similar to yours, and they did cause a lot of distress, but I do feel better now. Use your vacation time to build up resilience. It has helped me. All the best!!
Let me also take this time to say hi to – Lovisa, Adam, Bewitched, Mila, MJ, Speedwagon, IMHO, Nisor, Marcia, Frederico, Sammy, and others. Sincerely hope that each one of you is doing much better.
It’s good to read your post, ABCD. Yes, it’s the passage of time, patience and some distraction, it seems. I’m ok too, thanks.
Also, while I’m here. Sammy – thank you.
f
Thanks F. Yep – time, patience and distraction, these are the keywords, totally agree.
Hi ABCD. I hope your training is going well. I was thinking of you during my long run. Maybe you should just run the half marathon distance to prove to yourself that you can do it. That’s how I ran my first half marathon distance. I did it early in the morning. I knew that my morning would be busy because I was meeting a friend for breakfast so I slept in my running clothes the night before. I slept outside on the trampoline with my daughters then got up early to run. I can’t remember if I intended to do 13 miles or if I just felt great and kept going. It felt so good afterwards! It was a great experience.
Thanks Lovisa. It has become pretty hot here so I’m kind of trying to see if I can do the long run. Training is going well and I ensure I clock in the kms every week. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
Hi ABCD,
good to hear from you! I‘m doing much better. Will see LO tomorrow, but limerence is very well reined in, and it’s a matter of not that much time that he‘ll move away for good.
I‘m glad it’s going well for you too!
That’s great to hear Mila! Once LO moves, I am sure you will have an even better handle on LE. All the best!
Hello ABCD, nice to see you posting again and thanks for the update and support. Keep up the good work.
Thanks MJ! I am happy to see your progress as well, keep going!
Just wanted to mention this.
Today at work I was feeling pretty good. Hadn’t seen her all day. I always feel like I have obtained a little victory when I make it the entire day without seeing her.
About 90 minutes before the end of my shift I had to go do some work in a part of the building. I had three different ways to get there. She could be anywhere in the building including any of the three routes. I tried to decide which route to take to avoid seeing her but not knowing where she was at, none of the routes could guarantee I wouldn’t see her.
So, I just picked one of the shorter routes. Odds were that I wouldn’t see her anyway as she could be anywhere. I just started the route and turned the corner and there she was. This isn’t a dedicated hallway or anything. Just a place in the building to go through. Not even at the end of the route or the middle. Right at the very beginning is where I run into her.
This is the second day in a row where I was about 90 minutes from the end of my shift, where we both could have been anywhere in the building, and where we both end up in the same place at the same time.
Anyway, just being cautious I already had my eyes diverted downward so I just saw her from my peripheral vision. I couldn’t even tell if she had glasses on. She was walking towards me. When she saw me she didn’t abruptly turn or try to avoid me and she didn’t walk past me quickly. In fact she just kind of stopped and lingered there and let me walk past her. There was plenty of room to walk so it’s not like she had to move out of the way and stop to let me go by.
I didn’t feel too bad after that. I didn’t see her full on and although I would have felt better had I not seen her at all it was a lot better than I felt when I saw her yesterday. Then a little later I had to go into an office. I saw through the open door she was in there. I could have went in through a door on the other side. She would have seen me but I wouldn’t have been close to her. Instead I decided screw this. I went in the door where she was at and walked right past behind her. Only saw her from her back and a little of her cheek and saw she was wearing glasses.
Finally, right at the end of my shift I was leaving to go back to my department to clock out and a customer stopped me. I helped him out and as I looked up to go, there my LO was again. I think she was alerted to the customer needing help but as she got there saw I had already helped him. Kind of got a quick side view of her face as she quickly walked by but didn’t feel triggered.
Just amazing how I don’t come across co-workers I am not trying to avoid but her I see three times in 90 minutes.
So I saw her three times today and although I would rather have not seen her I didn’t feel too bad.
Just wanted to share this and didn’t expect all the replies so thank you all for taking the time out of your day to respond to my other posts.
Have a a great day everyone.
P.S. To those of you who got past the limerence. When you do get past it, do you mourn the previous idealized version of the LO which no longer exists because the limerence is gone?
Thank
@Gallant,
“To those of you who got past the limerence. When you do get past it, do you mourn the previous idealized version of the LO which no longer exists because the limerence is gone?”
In my case, the limerence has not fully left. I am just not in the full-on obsessive state I was in at one time. I don’t know if it ever fully leaves us. Limerent minds can be quite stubborn. I think even it did, LO will always hold a special place in my heart. It just seems fitting and appropriate for whatever reason..
Nowadays I mourn the places where I would see her, at her desk, by the office restrooms, where she parked her car in the parking lot, or missing seeing the pretty outfits she would have on. Probably yes when I was idolizing her more. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one on the planet who feels like this, but I think this holds true for a lot of limerents.
Thank you for the reply MJ
I sometimes think NC just makes us idolize them more because all we have is this ideal image of them in our heads and since we aren’t seeing or interacting with them there is nothing to change it.
I saw my LO briefly from the side on Monday of my last week before my vacation and it put me in a bad mood for 30 hours and I am not sure why. Some days I can see her three times and recover in a few hours. I can picture that exact image of her in my mind and it doesn’t bother me but for some reason seeing her in person kills me. I guess it is the reality of knowing she couldn’t care less. Even though I am the one that abruptly stopped talking to her and started ignoring her, I feel I am the one being rejected.
I was able to avoid my LO completely for the last 4 days of the week and I thought since it only took 30 hours after seeing her on Monday to get out of my bad mood, my vacation would be great. Instead I have spent most of the time sitting around thinking about her. I think perhaps the loss of routine and being idle gives my mind more time to dwell on my LO and the LE.
It has been almost two weeks of my vacation and I just feel totally depressed. It has been 16 days straight of not seeing her and 14 weeks of NC but instead of feeling better I feel worse. I sit around thinking of all the reasons why she or any other woman shouldn’t be interested in me. So why can’t I just accept it and move forward? I was happy before the LE with no desire to date or be in a relationship and just want to go back to that.
Now I dread my vacation will come to an end and it will be back to the same thing when I return to work. Instead of the distance helping it just depressed me more. Maybe I need a big change like moving someplace else.
Hopefully this will be my last post here. Either things will get better or they won’t and posting here isn’t going to change that.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my ramblings and to reply. You are all the best and I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you all!
Hi Gallant, maybe you need to enjoy yourself on vacation – what can you see and do ? I hope you are not at home and are away somewhere different to experience new things. If not, then look at some new stuff on your next weekends.
I know sometimes us limerent types just want to be introspective and overthink stuff.
I really understand this, trust me , but I also know when I push myself out in the real world it’s almost always positive.
You said :-
“I sit around thinking of all the reasons why she or any other woman shouldn’t be interested in me”
Im sure there are ladies out there interested in you, be kind to yourself and be open to new experiences and opportunities, seek them out and the love interest will come. But they won’t come if you are sitting around thinking they won’t. Melancholy can be a comfortable friend but later in life, you will wish you didn’t lean on it so much. Again, trust me on this one.
You are single and I think you have youth on your side….. My goodness don’t waste this time Gallant. Don’t overthink, do more and seek fun and joy !
By the way Gallant, I see your last message was a bit of a farewell to Lwl, so pleased don’t feel any obligation to reply to my message or others at all. But I would say don’t close your options off and feel free to keep messaging here, as and when you think it may help. Or maybe in future you can help others through your insights too.
Hi Gallant,
I spent a lot of time in prayer, wondering who God might send me to replace LO. For a long time I had a belief it would never happen. Once LO left my building, I was like a scared and lost puppy dog at work every day. I went in there sad. I had to walk past her old office all the time and see the cubicle and chair she would sit in. Missing her in her pretty outfits, her smile, her gorgeous, long hair, watching her move and walk, and talk on her phone. For months I would go out to my car on break and cry my eyes out just because I couldn’t see her as much as I used to and I really missed any stupid little breadcrumb she gave me. Some nights I stayed late and found places on the complex just to go and cry and write sad poetry to her, just to keep some fake hope or memory alive. At times I kept saying to myself, this can’t go on. I can’t keep being this sad and miserable. I actually thought about suicide. Yet I never even knew this Woman.. Sick, sick limerence..
Once our building closed and I got to my new position across the street, I caught the eye of another younger Lady and spent months trying to muster up courage to go and speak to her. There was a ton of eye contact going on between us. It was almost like the eye contact between LO and I. I was afraid. I’m not good at approaching, but I couldn’t turn this into another LE and I swore I wouldn’t. My psyche could not handle this becoming an episode #2 LE. So I made the decision one cold night, to go and approach her at her car. Which didn’t go exactly like I wanted but it wasn’t terrible either. We talked. I told her I’d see her inside and the rest is pretty much history. Almost a year later, she has become a pretty good work buddy to me and we are Friends. Come to find out she’s the same age as LO, but only older by about 2 months. At times I feel some glimmer coming on, but I really try to suppress it because she’s super nice and sweet and checks off a whole lot of boxes on my list. Sometimes I think she will make some guy a very happy Husband someday. Sometimes I like to think it could be me, but it’s not where we are now and I’m doing everything I can to keep things normal between us, without letting my feelings take center stage. It would not be fair to her.
What I’m saying here is I had to take the first step to get myself out of the funk I was in. Nobody else but me could do that.
Does it mean that my limerence and all that emotion for LO just up and vanished? Of course not. I still have sad days and nights of missing her. Once in awhile I still tear up over her. This Woman has had an amazing effect on me. Even as great and as awesome as my new Lady Friend is now, she’s still not LO. Nobody can be LO in my book. I’m not exactly proud to admit that either, but it’s what this condition has done to me. The good thing is, these feelings for LO do not take precedent like they used to but it takes time and effort.
Like Imho mentions perfectly, there are ladies out there that will be interested in you. Be kind to yourself and be open to new experiences and opportunities. Seek them out and the love interest will come. But they won’t come if you are sitting around thinking they won’t.
Had I thought they would never come, I could not post what I do now. God showed me Lady Friend, knowing she would show up when I truly needed her most. I believe something similar could happen for you too. If you will allow it.
I wish the best for you Gallant and I hope you find what you are looking for. Please come back and give us an update. We’ll be here for you..
Hi Gallant,
Short answer – if you idealize them you aren’t over it.
Long answer – LO1 and LO3, i just realized one day I hadn’t thought about them for a few days/weeks and didn’t feel anything anymore at all rather than friends/colleagues with their own flaws. LO1 I just saw as a good friend who lived in another city, and after moving to her city for work I rapidly saw the friendship for what it was, very limited, to some extent we were using each other. We had little in common and different attitudes to life. LO2 was a colleague I worked closely with, before and after I saw her as a nice one who I could have been good friends with, but very obviously not a potential partner.
LO2 – I never got over it, just had quiet periods, and still idealize her 16 years later, it’s a constant project. That said, it was a potential relationship that went awry after a couple of months, just not long enough to see enough of the bad sides (we all have). If you can’t get away, maybe try and disclose and either you get a relationship , or maybe get to see the bad sides.
A side point, my limerence has always been driven by loneliness or traumatic/transitional events, so maybe re-visit your ideas about whether you really want to be single. I’m not saying you aren’t correct, but I know I had repressed how lonely I was when LO1 and 2 occurred. I could only recommend deeply reflecting on whether that is a driver of the intensity of your feelings. That might be one angle to explore to see if it helps relieve the internal strains. I know how miserable and overwhelming it can be.