For some people limerence hits like a bolt of lightning; for others, it’s a slow burn. But what starts the whole thing going? What conditions make us vulnerable? There are three key factors that seem required for attraction to turn into obsession…
It’s clear that many people are prone to experiencing limerence. Those same people often assume that all people experience it, and it seems, on the face of it, a sensible conclusion: popular culture is saturated with representations of limerence and its effects. But the actual cause of limerence is less clear, and rarely examined. Misty eyed romantics, of course, would say it’s ineffable. Love, man; it’s a mystery.
But it’s not. Not entirely.
Dorothy Tennov covered many of the commonalities between limerent’s experiences when she first defined the concept, and focused repeatedly on the issue of how limerence is initiated, deepened and sustained. There seems to be a regular pattern. Many other anecdotal reports substantiate this, and it’s worth investigating, so you can prepare yourself for the next time it happens. I would say there are three major factors:
1) The glimmer
Most limerents are able to become limerent for more than one LO in their life, but clearly not for everyone they meet who is a potential sexual partner. There is something about particular individuals that chimes with a given person, and often it is recognised at a subconscious level very soon after meeting a potential LO.
Personally, I’m now getting better at spotting the glimmer: the immediate sense that something about this person is potent. Their appearance, their mannerisms, their scent, their laugh – some trait accesses the networks of connections in the brain that triggers limerent interest. How those connections are established and what they link to is a fascinating topic, but the key issue is that some (largely subconscious) selection criteria are met and the person is filed as a potential LO.
I suspect that this glimmer is the same elusive “spark” that people complain is missing from a disappointing date, but without the ability to actually articulate what it was that was missing.
At this point, things can go either way as to whether or not the limerence progresses.
2) The response
If the potential LO is not interested, radiates their lack of interest, or on better acquaintance turns out to be highly unsuitable in some way, the potential is never realised and the glimmer dims and dies. Interest dwindles back to baseline.
If, in contrast, the limerent senses reciprocation, then… matters progress. If the LO shows overt signs of attraction (flirtation, indicators of arousal, more than average interest in the company and opinions of the limerent), then an amplification occurs. Few things increase someone’s attractiveness more than the realisation that they might fancy you too. Now, the potential LO is a nascent LO. The limerent will desire their company more often. Discomfort and nerves start to creep into interactions with them, and awareness of one’s own appearance and potential appeal becomes heightened.
At this point, things still aren’t settled. If the LO is available and interested, and both parties make clear their attraction, then a love affair can begin. This may be ecstatic, but the full heights (depths?) of limerence still may not be reached. To really cement the infatuation, limerence seems to need…
3) Uncertainty
They want me. I know they want me. Don’t they? But they have an SO, I know they do. Why are they acting like this? I’m imagining it. In fact, didn’t they say that loads of people flirt with them, and there must be something about them that attracts the wrong sort of attention? God, how embarrassing. They were probably warning me off. By talking about flirting and how attractive they are? I’d better go over that last interaction again in obsessive detail until I’ve really settled this. In fact… oh, God, if I’d only said that then they would have probably said this and then I’d know.
The final stage for a full blown limerence reaction seems to be uncertainty. If for some reason there are obstacles to the free expression of mutual feeling, it acts as fuel. Either consummation or direct rejection can lead to the downregulation of limerent feelings, but uncertainty seems to inflame them. Again, why this should be the case is a fascinating topic, but it’s probably a volatile combination of: unattainable things being more desirable, unpredictable rewards being more potent than predictable rewards, and the confusion of mixed signals leading to over-analysis and the slippery slide into rumination.
So, those are the three essential elements for a classic, full-blown, please-make-this-torture-stop-Oh-no-hang-on-I-think-I-kind-of-need-it, limerent episode. The trifecta for obsession. The ingredients of the person addiction cocktail.
The reasons why those three factors are so important can only really be understood by a deeper dive into the neuroscience of behaviour, and our deepest psychological urges.
Read on…
After putting the death knell in my ability to communicate with LO, my LO amicably agreed to go NC forever, adding the detail to that LO had no clue what sparked my confusion and the emotions that led to the end of our friendship. Setting aside the head game that LO was playing and winning with me, what does it mean that I am now extremely mad at LO? I know NC is my only chance at recovering but I wonder if anger is a normal phase or what it says about my expected recovery time.
I think anger is totally normal! As you say, this feels like a head game. Your emotions have been all over the place, you took the difficult and responsible step to go no contact (and disclose?), and then LO minimises the whole thing with a shrug of cluelessness.
No contact is the path to victory. Eventually you’ll reach the point where you wonder how this person, apparently so shallowly invested with you, managed to have such a hold over your emotions. Perhaps the anger is making you see the asymmetry of the relationship. Anger is sometimes useful, if you can direct it into making you take action and disconnect from LO for good.
I’m 14 and I’ve never been in a relationship. But I’ve had three episodes of what I’d call limerence in the last eight months. First one went on for about four months before the second guy came along. Now he was manipulative and abusive, not to mention highly toxic. But before I realized that, he’d already become my LO. But I finally had it in me to know that enough was enough and despite him being stalkerish and bothering me, I managed to block him out of my life completely. Now was the grieving process because this was short lived. Then came along the third guy I’d already known for a while then and before I knew what I was doing, he was my LO. I couldn’t just get him out of my head at any cost. That bothered me so much that I decided to decrease communication with him for a while. Meanwhile, I was unconsciously looking for a way out of the infatuation because it was weighing me down even though it was feeding my hormonal needs. That’s when I realized that something wasn’t quite right with these. During that time I also got attached to another guy. It sent me into a dark place. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what that was. For a while I decided that they were my friends only but when that didn’t work, I reviewed the whole situation. I chose the third guy instead of the fourth. By chose I mean I chose to pursue liking him ( I didn’t know it was limerence at the time). A few days ago, things ended with him (as friends because I never told him I liked him) since he had to now focus on his career and couldn’t talk to me all day long like we’d done for the last two months. One important point to note here is that all of these guys are virtual. They’re real life people but I’ve never met any of them. Anyways, now the only friend I have left is the fourth guy and now I feel like I’m already moving on from the third guy to him but I don’t want that. I don’t even like him but he’s always on my mind. I don’t even know if this is limerence, hormones or something else. I’ve done a lot of researching this past month in general and I just found out about limerence last night and I feel like I can highly relate, and that I have insecure attachment styles. Any suggestions?
Welcome Arshi-
I remember the loneliness of 14, and the very strong desire to connect. I am so relieved that I didn’t have to try to resist a virtual world of people with whom I could have talked to and found that comfort. There were a lot of tears, a ton of music and some huge emotional swings. You sound like a very intelligent person, and sometimes, sadly, that makes things more difficult and not less.
I’m assuming that talking to your parents is something that you’ve already thought of- but if you’re able and they’re safe people for you, I would really encourage you to be brave and let them in to this with you. I think when you’re your age, it’s so easy to think they wouldn’t understand, would judge you, or even to feel like you need to protect them. I had some things go on when I was just a bit younger than you that I “protected” my parents from, and when I finally did tell them, years later, I wished so much that I had been braver about it. It would have saved me from being alone- from feeling alone- in it and trying to handle it myself. If that isn’t an option, then I would really encourage you to find another woman to talk to with whom you trust and feel comfortable with. Our group here is a great resource, but I suspect that you have a ton of things that you need to talk about, and that you would benefit so much from that in-person support. If you can be courageous in this, I would bet that you will be amazed at what can happen. Real relationships and friendships, creativity, fun…. all the things that you are entitled to at this time in your life.
The last thing that I would like to say is that if one of these men needs to focus on his career rather than talking to you- you are in a very dangerous place in terms of age difference. There’s not a healthy, well adjusted, safe man on the planet who would spend any social time with a girl your age. If you’re lying about your age you need to stop immediately. You aren’t able to truly and safely handle this on your own, even if you sincerely believe you are. I say this woman to woman.
You’re most welcome here, and I really hope that this can be a fresh, new beginning in your life. All good things really are possible.
Jane that was such a beautiful, wise and compassionate response to Arshi. It brought tears to my eyes.
Jaideux- thank you:) I don’t know about you, but I know that the tracks were really being laid for me around 13 and 14. Such a big time. I think that most of the problem for me was not really knowing who I was, and just really wanting that connection. And I’m such a relational person, so much in my head, and also so private in a way… well, just like everyone else, a million different things at the same time. In some ways limerence is so much safer than a “real” relationship, in that it has all the lofty feelings, the highs and the lows, it takes place in the future but has a real person in the present, and it seems to transcend all the boring and ordinary things of normal life. I could imagine what it would feel like once everything with that certain someone fell in to place, without having to/being able to risk really having to be truly vulnerable. Looking back, what I wish I could have told my younger self (and how helpful it might have been to know about limerence) is…. there’s maybe too many things to list. I wish I would have been braver and more honest to start. I guess I didn’t fully appreciate how long it takes in life to learn certain things; I’m finally getting things now that I wish I would have long ago. But I’m happy I’m learning them now at least. In this case the test came first and the lesson after, but I’m grateful all the same.
Arshi,
If you’re up for it, search blogs for posts by “Anonymous Limerent.” He’s about your age and you may be able to relate to some of his posts.
Welcome Arshi, and thanks for your comment.
I would whole-heartedly agree with Jane’s points. It can be a big release to share these thoughts and feelings with someone you trust, as it helps to have that support during the mood swings and emotional storm of going through limerence for the first time. I’d also echo the caution about getting close to guys who should be focusing on their career – it could be that your virtual friend is 18 and just starting out in work, but regardless, an age gap that big is a red flag at your age. I have heard a distressing number of stories from women whose first limerence experience led to them being exploited by older, manipulative men.
One last point: it’s great that you’ve discovered limerence at this early stage of your romantic life. Understanding that it is a part of who you are, and how you respond to others is very valuable for stabilising your mood in the thick of limerence. Most importantly, understanding that it is not something magical about Them, and that in fact it is something within you , is a great protection against throwing yourself with wild abandon into a relationship that is unhealthy.
That and remembering that your judgement is totally shot when you are in the grip of limerence are two of the most important lessons I wish I’d known at the outset 🙂
Oh, it is most certainly normal, but you definitely have to get past it. It is the one phase where you cannot dwell long on, as it produces no positive outcome. Believe me, I have been through them all and then some. Its a hellish period in life. I am now 11 months into something that just started with a bam. I woke up one day and…this person had become my world. I have not had a day of peace since then and have practically destroyed everything about myself. Limerence is no joke; whatever you can do to get out of it, do it. Good luck. I am back here after a 2 month break because I really have nowhere else to turn. This site makes some sense of things for me, though I am in a great crisis that not just reading here can help me with. Honestly, I dont even have any answers. I just wish you the very best.
i can so relate to this, its utterly disturbing to comprehend that this is what my obsessive episodes have been about. I get stuck, and then the desire to attain them becomes tenfold (at the least), the only thing that helped maaaaybe after YEARS is no contact. Even then i check tarot cards to see if they like me back or if they miss me the way i do, why didn’t they do anything? The factor of ‘uncertainty’ is so spot on as I always get mixed signals from the LO which leads me to assessing their actions. But all in all, daydreaming perhaps is the MOST dangerous aspect to this, as it keeps the narrative alive. I am looking for treatment but so far haven’t come across anything substantial.
Thanks. She knows I got a crush and that I regret it but she never acknowledged the things she did to blur the lines. Regardless my head is in ruins and posting here is my only outlet. I look forward to the fog lifting a year from now or sooner. The hardest part is admitting that this beautiful woman was just messing with me and I let her.
With no contact it could be gone in weeks. I was limerant for a girl in college who was fully aware of my attraction and loved to stoke the fires of my attention. She had an SO and always maintained her love for him but that didn’t stop her from alternately ignoring me and flirting with me as if she was practically in love with me. Eventually senior year ended and I was focused on finishing my research project and handing in my thesis. A month passed. I handed it in and was finished uni. That was a year ago. Haven’t seen or heard from her since and never want to. She’s rarely entered my mind after college ended and only as a sort of wistful ‘WTF that was insane how did I let that happen and feck her for continuing to come back and use me for an ego boost when she knew it couldn’t be good for me’ kind of thing. I was powerless to resist her every time she pulled me in. I’ll probably cross the street if I ever see her again, for my sakeand out of sheer embarrassment.
That said it was a good growing experience. I intend to be much more wary of my limerance in future. That’s why I’m here today (good site BTW, thank you).
Point is though, with NC you will be surprised at how quickly you recover.
You are young. No matter how strongly you feel about the LO, there are so many fish in the sea. Try this after 60 when in addition to having a LO you realize feeling this way may never come again.
@Shane. I know younger women sometimes do this to guys (flirt wildly with someone they’re not interested in) and I believe you’re right – it’s about her getting a much-needed ego boost. A friend of mine had a similar experience with a girl. She was nice enough. She wasn’t actively malicious. I just think she was at an age where she wanted reassurance of her attractiveness and my friend was “the safe male friend” to tease.
Still, I empathise with your side of the experience. If you really like a chick, it’s hard being the “safe person” she’s testing her feminine charms on and limerence would make that situation a thousand times more trying!
an excellent site i am finding – parallels to my alcohol abuse and behaviour etc
part of me also seems to be in denial that i was limerent – though i tick ALL the boxes!!
feel a little that it is a shame i disclosed but then again it has helped me move on – though after quite a severe depression, grief and drinking heavily on top for a number of months!!..
Hi, I am a LO and it’s made me hurt and confused I want to make things better with L but I end up mak8ng things so much worse. At first I couldn’t handle the intensity of him liking me and it triggered the biggest fight/flight/freeze response I have ever experienced. I really liked so many things about him he was absolutely gorgeous and amazing. I had a SO but that relationship was ending but I couldn’t speak to L because of the massive f/f/f I was experiencing. I started to get my flirt on with him but it ended badly because I couldn’t speak and L ended up hating me and pulling someone much prettier and available than me right in front of me. Anyway 6 months later and I’ve started going back to his class. We have managed to speak but only in a small talk way but it’s a start, I don’t know if I should say anything about our previous flirtation as I don’t know what to say. I know he is a limerent as it’s in his eyes such intensity I like him so much but feel the Limerence has made things awkward. Should I go NC or make myself talk to him? I just don’t know
Hi Terri,
I’m a little unclear from your comment whether you are limerent for this guy, or like him but go into f/f/f about his limerence for you. Either way, though, if you are both available and your are into him then try taking it slow. The strength of your reaction to him is worth listening to, though. Your subconscious is obviously picking up on something that is making you panic. I wouldn’t ignore that. If the limerence is making you so uncomfortable, it could be worth going NC.
As a final thought – it would be good to be decisive. If he is a typical limerent, then you being hot and cold is likely to make his limerence worse…
Hi uh I think I may have experienced limerence in high school. She was the most beautiful girl I had seen in my life I still do think that she is. So being me I asked her out a month after meeting her. She declined feeling embarrassed I wrote an email saying I was sorry. Then she had an emotional reaction saying I was to think she was beautiful. But said she was taken and I let it drop for the time being. Then the next year I thought about her constantly and what was worse was her dad was my teacher. I had to hear all the amazing things about her. And through encouragement from I asked again but I was more discrete. I wrote letters to her and the end of the year a friend of her’s verbally confronted me. Telling me she wasn’t interested. So after I could barely look at her and she seemed to be everywhere I went. Last year was senior year and she was around even more than I thought possible. In second period our classes were connected. And I saw her all the time. At one point she had come and stood beside me only inches away it was excruciating. By accident I had befriended a friend of hers that shared the same first period and was quite nice. At one point I skipped a pep rally so I wouldn’t have to see her. And I have a hidden talent for singing and everyone chose a song of they’re preference. She chose Beautiful Crazy out of any song in the world. It was completely confusing. Then she asked me how I was doing. It was amazing and terrible to see her. Then after much piecing together a friend thought she did feel the same. I confronted her and asked why she did what she did. She said she didn’t and asked me not to contact her again and so I haven’t. To this day she still haunts my dreams. I just want it to end and to stop hurting.
Hi Shy guy,
Sorry to hear what you are goig through, we all can relate. We have the same pain. Doest it help to vent here ? How long have you not seen LO? And do you have nice activitys in your life?
What does NC mean?
Hi New to this. NC = no contact.
Has anyone done any research into depression/ post partum depression and it’s connection to being open to limerance? As in when depressed people seek escape or relief from depression. With low dopamine and low serotonin they are open to/ at risk of limerance with someone else. Getting into a relationship provides an escape coupled with euphoric dopamine highs and leads to limerance with the other partner. No long term thinking about whether the person is actually right for a long term relationship etc.
Thanks for this fantastic website, its given me a lot of insight into what Ive been feeling lately and I realise that I am not alone. Its interesting how you say it all starts. My experience seem to develop out of intensive anxiety. My LO is my sons teacher, stereotypically gorgeous, ten years younger than me, also married, also with several young children. SO and I were delighted DS got a male teacher last year who had taught him previously and gotten on well with. The previous year, DS had been quite disruptive and his teacher had no time for him by the end of it. As a result, it was an extremely stressful period in the house. At times, I felt like I was my sons only advocate; SO and I didn’t always agree on how to deal with things as they arose. Then LO was teaching him and at first I suffered extreme anxiety regarding DS getting on well with his teacher, it really was to the forefront of my mind. We would occasionally bump into the teacher out of school at extracurricular activities. I was so preoccupied with acting like a normal well adjusted parent, and good person, examining every encounter and whether he said hello or not. Later I found I was obsessing about every detail, and plan to ‘behave’ better or be friendlier next time we would meet. Parent teacher meeting came and went without incident, very professional and to the point. But the next time I bumped into him, I was a bit grumpy because the teacher was so hot and cold about just saying a normal hello outside of school…..I blanked him at close range……looking back Im not sure if it was conscious or subconscious. It was almost as though I couldn’t look at him. Intense obsessing followed and embarrassment. Was that the glimmer? I didn’t admit it to SO as why would I blank my sons teacher who were getting along so well together? A prolonged staring incident instigated by LO followed at a school event, and honestly I thought he was annoyed with me for making his life awkward. More obsessing on my behalf , almost constantly but not in a romantic way……..how can I appear like a better person? why did I act so odd? what must he think? It was constant, and getting me down a lot. For the next few months, there were a couple of phonecalls but no eye to eye contact. Conversations were amicable but professional. One day I was picking my son up after an outing, the teacher was there, and any ‘normal’ person would go over and thank him, but to my surprise I had palpitations and my feet were stuck to the ground. I begun to deduce I had romantic feelings for him at this point and begun to fantasise about him…..Another bout of intense staring from LO. Again the uncertainty, is he mad, does he like me, do I like him?? At this point I went to therapy, as my head was totally fried, and no amount of exercise was quietening my mind. What hell…therapy probably saved me..The last term he seemed to be trying to contrive to bump into me any time I did school pick up, and again the uncertainty, the buzz, the fear…gradually I begun to try avoid doing pick up but still I was curious …was I right, was he interested? Anyway schools finished, so two months of enforced NC, and plan for next year is to minimise possible contact to get over this bizarre limerence for once and for all. Looking back, I knew very little on a personal level about LO, nor he, me…we literally never had a personal conversation. I could hardly talk to him..And yet I found myself thinking about him almost constantly.
Schools are probably as bad as the workplace for LEs. In the workplace, you usually only have yourself to worry about. At school, you also need to worry about your kids.
I’m married to a teacher. They have an internal grapevine. The sins of the parents are visited on the children. Word gets around. Also, young children are delightful sources of information. My wife knew when certain military units got deployed, whose mommy got breast implants, and whose daddy had a new “special friend.” That teacher watching the kids being dropped off in the morning knows that it wasn’t daddy in the car with mommy dropping the kid off.
I don’t know how it’s done in every school but the class selection process at my wife’s school make the NFL draft look tame. Good kids/good parents are high draft picks. You’d be surprised at what teachers will negotiate among themselves to avoid certain kids/parents. Parents have reputation scores, too. Smart schools don’t post them on social media.
Also, my wife commented on the lack of discretion shown my younger generations of teachers. It’s a whole lot easier for something to get out than it used to be.
Fear can be a wonderful motivator. If you’re wondering if your LO’s interested, imagine you’re at the next PTA meeting and wondering who else in that room is wondering about the two of you.
Thanks Scharnhorst for that wake up call. The last few weeks have been good from a distancing point of view, and to be honest I was quite perplexed by this staring behaviour, and the contrived bumping into me because it appeared to be quite obvious to me; and by that stage there could have been no doubt in his mind that I was married as we had been away on holidays together as a family.
You’ve motivated me to ensure I avoid potentially bumping into him for a long long long time, and if PT meeting does arise in the future SO can go.
I’ve a lot to sort out in my own head about me and with my husband in terms of our own relationship….
And you’re absolutely right it would be a huge big mess…from all parties affected, with no longterm future. So Im not wondering if he’s interested anymore!
Has hostility ever been known to do anything for limerence in terms of response? I’ve been thinking about ‘how I got here’ and while I don’t remember a lot of my early encounters with LO (because we were very young) I remember that she hated me.
I remember one incident where me and a friend had drawn an outline for Toy Story 3 (Toy Story 2 had just come out and I was obsessed with Toy Story at the time). She took the outline, showed it to our teacher and said ‘That’s a waste of paper’.
Another time I was wearing this baseball cap. She took the cap and made me chase her to get it back.
Of course, by the time we were teenagers her responses became more standard. Interest in my opinions, asking about me personally. But it didn’t matter. I was already in the throes of limerence.
Hostility could be seen as a form of reciprocation, albeit a misguided one. It certainly doesn’t have to be. Glimmer is where you find it. She appeared to hate you. What you know is you had her attention and she had yours. It sounds like she projected the glimmer but you’d have to do some reflection to figure out if/what it was. If that sings to you, you could put on a playlist, lay on your bed, and stare at the ceiling from dawn to dusk (not that I ever did anything like that).
In grade school, I got the attention of a girl. Her “displays of affection” were to kick me in the shins. This went on from 3rd grade to middle school. Her crowning achievement was knocking me off my bike with well aimed pear to the back of my head. On my 13th birthday, she introduced me to my teenage years by sticking her tongue down my throat. In the gamut of emotions I’ve felt for women over the years, she didn’t do much.
We moved shortly before I entered high school. We were still local and stayed in casual contact. The last time I saw her was when she came into the store I was working at one summer in college. She went her way and I went mine. She married the guy she dated in HS and according to FB, they’re still married.
She didn’t have the glimmer and she doesn’t even rank on my list of significant women.
All of this is so well put, and chimes with my own experience of limerence. It is not just the spark — it’s the spark, a reciprocation and uncertainty. I wish I had seen this years ago — it would have been helpful to more clearly analyze that it wasn’t just that I was attracted to my LO, but that she was also signaling back to me. The question was not the one that obsessed me for so long — does she or doesn’t she find me attractive? I should have been asking myself the more salient questions around what I wanted to do about the flirtation and why I allowed to to knock my world off its axis.
Hey,
I’ve been experiencing limerence for the past 6 years of my life and don’t know how to handle it anymore. Only 6 months ago I found out that this was a thing and have since fully recognized it to be what i’m experiencing. I think it’s worth noting that the limerence started when I was in grade 6 and am now in grade 12. My interactions with the LO started with a simple crush and when I asked the to go to “the dance” the said they though of me as a fraind and nothing more. A lot more stuff has happend between then and now but mainly occurred at around grade 6-7. I made a stupid dissision the night I asked the LO to go to the dance because after she told me the she thought of me as only a fraind, i indirectly stated that being heart broken sucks to her. She misinterpreted the information and read it as if I was showing signs of depression. She then sent a screen shot of the texts we had that night to my mother. I found out through seeing the screen shot on my mothers phone accidentally. In a moment of anger, I over reacted saying “What”… “The” … “F**k” in the most dramatic way possible. I then proceeded to try and apologize to her but by that point it was too late and she stoped making contact with me all together blocking me on every social media and any other form of contact. I have obsessed over her ever since and have had dark thoughts that I think has led to depression though i’m not sure. What i’m not sure about is if this, unreciprocated love for the LO and emotional relapses counts as depression. To give a bit more context, I am a very introverted person and only have 1 really good fraind at the moment. I haven’t told my perents and don’t plan too. Because of this fact, I lie to them all the time about many things. As a result of the unwanted thoughts, I got into the hobby of competitive gaming. It helped me with forgetting about all my problems and going into another world . I am in grade 12 right now, I have a slight addiction to gaming, spending upwords of 3 hours per day playing and 3 hours per day thinking about gaming. The course load it’s getting heavier and my study habits are getting bad. It is also importent to note that I occasionally see the LO but have had 0 contact with her for a year. Since they started there no contact with me, I have created new emails and sent around 12 or so emails, ranging from love confessions sent from 3am ( like 4 years ago) to a destination and a time, hoping they would come, to help get some closure ( which I now recognize to be just another way to reciprocate my feelings). The most recent contact, which I mentioned was a year ago was from her stating that “If these emails don’t stop, i’m going to have to get other people involved”. I’m looking for advice on how to cope with this situation ( being my life) and suggestions. I also would like to mention that I have not seen a counselor even though I have access to one because I don’t trust them probably because I can’t relate to them enough and feel as if i’m not treated with enough respect. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I look forward to your suggestions.
Ben, I heavily empathise with your situation. Your situation is exactly like mine, but mine has only been going for 1.5 years and I haven’t talked to my LO at all (about anything other than school work, initiated by her). I don’t trust counsellors either and always lie to my parents; no one knows anything about this. I also cope by gaming and am an introvert, and am in school (this started in the end of Year 8, I’m now at the start of Year 10). I, too, have very few friends.
It seems like your LO doesn’t understand what you’re going through. From what I gather, it’s been six years and you’re still texting her and telling her that you like her and want her when she has told you what she feels. To a person who doesn’t understand limerence, I could see how that could be interpreted as sexual harassment.
How often do you see her? You should stop talking to her about this and try not to look at her (I’m guessing you do that). You have to give the impression that you are over her and not into her anymore, and then maybe she will stop worrying and you might be able to actually move on.
You have to think how this is affecting her. If you’re having trouble initiating NC, use your friend to help you and support you through it. I don’t mean for you to tell anyone, but just have your friend by your side, talk more, and try to make some more friends. Also, if your LO doesn’t like what you’re doing, and she really doesn’t seem to, take that as motivation to stop; you will be saving her from a lot of stress and discomfort and saving yourself from being subject to her actions hence.
Basically, if she’s threatened to get people involved, you have to back off. Immediately. Nothing good can come from continuing to tell her how you feel and looking at her all the time. She’s already rejected you and feels uncomfortable. Save her and save yourself the hassle of what may come; as I said before, sexual harassment is no joke. You could get seriously ruined by that if she decides to tell someone or file a law suit. (Extreme, but not impossible.)
Just think – it could be worse. At least you have friends. And you were friends with your LO. And she doesn’t seem to have told anyone.
She seems like a decent person. For her sake and yours, stop pushing your feelings on her. It WILL end badly.
P.S. What was on the screenshot your LO sent to your mum?
Hey AL, I am really impressed by your answer. I thought about replying to Ben as well, but you have just stated it excellently, I have nothing to add. I think you can really relate to Ben’s situation. I hope it helps to give Ben a different perspective.
This site is great for that, I also had no one to talk to and found this place to share my story and my pain.
Yes, AL, only you could have offered such a thoughtful and completely empathetic response to Ben.
Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I failed to mention that I initiated NC after the email I got from her 1 year ago, I think in hein sight, all I really wanted was to share my story. I also forgot to mention that I opened up so someone, an adult, about 2 weeks ago who I felt a connection to that I could trust. I got the same advice to not contact her again because, as you as-well said, nothing good can come from that. The idea that a lawsuit could happen also got mentioned. I am very surprised that you came up with such thoughtful advice aswell as how similar your situation is to mine. As for the screenshot, I don’t have it but i do remember generally what I said. It was something on the lines of “ I guess it just sucks when you care about something that is far out of your reach” I can’t be cirten of what I said though and keep in mind that this was 6 years ago and i’ve matured since then, knowing how awkward this must have made her feel.
The adult that I opened up too was house sitting while my perents were away. I also how two older siblings but they are both at university now. So they were mainly here to take care of the pets while my perents were away for 3 weeks.
With both of you saying the same advice I think it is definitely importent to consider and maintain NC.
Your grammar and reflection both seem above mine. I noticed that you started with empathy, and ended with something light hearted. But in the middle, had some serious advice that you (probably knew was hard to hear.)Which leads me to believe that you are not who you say you are… Just curious if i’m correct about this situation as it is still possibly that because of your perspective it’s easier to understand, or your flat out way smarter then me.
Anyways, thanks a lot for your response and if you would like to talk again on discord or something then just say in your response and I will add you. 🙂
Ben good luck with your NC. Stick with it and you will ultimately feel better. One trait of limerence is a tendency to treat our LOs as “objects” – largely because they don’t respond the way we want / don’t feel the specialness of the LE that to us is unmistakable.
But thinking of it from the PT of view of your LO, what she could have experienced could have made her quite fearful. Be glad that she didn’t try to toy with your emotions, draw you in a little to boost her ego. All of these are MUCH worse than a flat no. Even though it doesn’t feel like that all all. So respect her NC request and someday you’ll find someone who feels the same way about you. I remember how hard it was being a teen – even more so nowadays. Be kind to yourself and I’m glad you found some adults to talk to.
SGL
Ps: AL is definitely a teen (unless my catfish radar is completely off.) the differences you find in grammar etc may be down to UK v North American differences in education. You sound very smart yourself – your analysis of AL’s “sh*t sandwich” was spot on …;-)
Ben, I am a teenager and am currently going through a tormenting LE for a girl in my class. This has lasted 1.5 years, and I am not lying about my identity or situation.
I know that your mind is probably a little exhausted after 6 long years of constantly thinking about just your LO, but my point is still valid. You shouldn’t get careless just because of self-pity and, just to reinforce my point, I definitely do not mean this light-heartedly. Yes, I empathise heavily with your situation, which is why I can understand what you have to do. I also know that you can’t be held fully at fault for your actions due to the limerence, but I also know that everything you do is your choice, and I spare no sympathy for anyone who makes bad choices. Hence why I am pushing my point so hard.
It sounds like you more or less know what you’re doing, but you do seem like you’re still trying to tell people and act on your feelings. I know because I constantly want to tell someone about my own situation. But you can’t go around telling people about it; it’s just another way of trying to get through to LO. If you carry on like that, you’ll eventually start telling everyone, or even go back to telling LO. You have to stop now and just swallow up your feelings. It’s the only way anyone will think you are over her and this will hopefully all go away.
By all means, talk to a therapist or counsellor about depression or anxiety or something of that nature, but you can’t tell anyone else about your limerence. This is imperative to your recovery. If you keep talking about it, your LE will only be prolonged.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Oit of mind, out of life.
P.S. I don’t have Discord but if you need support there are a nimber of support sites out there.
Stage 2 is essentially skipped for me – I am almost entirely unable to read people. I have never witnessed “flirting”, never been flirted with or did it myself. I’ve read a lot about it, but sn “blind” to it.
In fact, I’m basically blind to all social clues.
I am unsure about the uncertainty factor for me, as it doesn’t wane even if we are both in relationships.
I just realised that my lack of stage 2 should just exacerbate stage 3
I have been absolutely miserable for months now while being infatuated with a woman who works for me. I have also been married for 34 years so my obsession is particularly dangerous. I logged on to my computer today and the word of the day was “Limerence” which is something I had never heard of! Unfortunately my LO has figured out that I have a thing for her. I’m sure she has told me in as a direct way she knows how that nothing is there, but she always ends with “I don’t know how to respond at this moment”. I feel terrible because she is a very capable employee and I have confused the hell out of her. I really want this to stop. It’s driving me mad and can only end badly if I don’t make it stop. I’d like to explain this concept to her so she knows it wasn’t her who caused it, but I have just enough sense left in my head that is trying to tell me that is a bad idea and I just need to drop it. So completely confused right now!
Hi Randy, and welcome!
I would say there are lots of downsides to your saying something, and very few upsides. Trying to explain something so personal and emotionally charged to an LO who isn’t interested is likely to become very awkward very fast. Her comment “I don’t know how to respond at this moment,” sounds genuine – it would be pretty confusing for her, given that she works for you and is probably quite sympathetic and flattered (most people would be if they otherwise got on with you fine). I’d say your best plan is to be the boss, take the problem on your own shoulders, and try not to involve her in the process of your recovery. It’s an internal battle. Others can help (you could even consider disclosure to your wife), but LOs are part of the problem not the solution.
There are lots of posts here that should be helpful. I was in a similar situation, so I get what you’re going through. Good luck!
Ahhh flattered. The other ‘F’ word. LO used that word once months after I disclosed to her. It came up in conversation (I brought it up of course) and I was attempting to tell her I was “over it” and had moved on, hopefully to get her to be less freaked out, as I did not want to scare her off. She injected that word. At the time I didn’t even notice. In my many replays of that conversation days and weeks later, it dawned on me what she had actually said. ‘flattered’ is the go-to word for women to let a guy down easy when she doesn’t feel the same way he feels about her. There simply is no good way to take that. I was devastated. Still am. I can’t believe I was that guy. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut and just dealt with it. Even if I was convinced at the time I was actually losing my grip on sanity.
“Flattered” is better than “repulsed,” “disgusted” or “disturbed.” At least I think so – and I believe my LO was actually flattered and relieved to find I had “only” thought of her as someone I would be interested in if I were available – rather than the alternative, which was talking shit about her to my wife and family.
“Few things increase someone’s attractiveness more than the realisation that they might fancy you too.”
I’ve read this blog post 20 times by now but that sentence just now hit me. That is precisely why my LE began. I’ve wondered what it was about my LO that caused the glimmer. She’s attractive yes. But far from the most attractive girl I’ve ever known. In fact I freely admit she is no where near as attractive as my SO. It was just something about the way I could tell she was into me. I have felt that very few times since I’ve been married. It was so foreign and I fell for it. Hard. And it absolutely increased LO’s attractiveness tenfold.
I’m too old for Limerance.. but I have it anyway. On a male teacher who is 3 decades younger than me. He kept flirting and teasing me because he liked the attention, and was never up front about whether he was available or not. Until my attentions became too awkward and less fun for him. Then he would mention other females he was seeing. The Uncertainty, that’s what fueled it, and I think he knows that and cultivates it as a skill. The Uncertainty is also described as “Ludus” as a form of “love-play.” He seemed to want me to sweep him off his feet, but I didn’t have the confidence to do it. We attempted to meet outside of school a couple times and managed it once. It was quite a while ago and I didn’t recognize the reciprocation until the next day. I don’t take his class anymore, but the way we left things, there is a chance to meet up. It feels like an opportunity to try to be another option for him, regardless of whoever else he is seeing, or pretending to see to test me or push me away. It seemed silly for me to feel so vulnerable as a student of his (Gym Class) who is so much older than him, but I ended up feeling really angry at him for toying with me. I know I confused him a bit, because I would act aloof sometimes, and think I was good at hiding my feelings, but I literally said one time, “F&%k you, you don’t love me.” To be fair, I never told him I’ve had PTSD for decades and have been unable to have relationships of any kind, also, for decades. He DID know I had a couple emergency room visits last semester, but I wouldn’t tell him exactly why. Atrial fibrillation and Limerance are a really bad combo. I need support because it’s so tempting to think I can consummate this with him with really angry sex, and he’s so young and horny he’d probably let me. This has gone on a year and a half, and initially, it took a couple months for the sparks to fly. That part was fun, because I didn’t KNOW I liked him yet, and just flirted outrageously on auto-pilot. It was the damned reciprocating that changed it from light and fun to obsessive and all consuming. It hasn’t helped that I’ve had orthopedic issues that have made it hard to have much else going on in my life. This year and a half feels like forever to me, but from reading these other posts, and other crushes I’ve had myself, I know this can last much longer. We really have nothing in common, but the attraction feels mutual and intense, although purely physical. Just once would be easy for him, but would likely traumatize me. Plus, at this point, I feel like I might just want to physically abuse him. I know I have enough self control to have no contact for many months… only to break it and try and contact him again. I think maybe, he wants to believe that we could just meet up and talk, because he does care about me as a student. Someone told me to move on and obsess over somebody else. I’ve only got so many years of life left to have a healthy relationship and don’t want to feel this way again. I see therapists, but it doesn’t do much good to talk about it, because it’s just more time focused on the LO. Plus the therapists want to pull their hair out listening…. “that’s about all the time we have…”
Are any of the therapists you see trauma therapists? Have you discussed what the goal of therapy is? Dr. Marion Solomon said that when many people enter therapy, the goal isn’t real change. The goal is to become comfortable with their current pathology.
Therapists work for you and they get paid by the hour.
Thank you for responding, this support page is extremely helpful. Yes, my newer therapist does EMDR, and I am processing early and later traumas, it’s a long road. He does hypnosis and relaxation techniques for anxiety, it’s helpful. We have discussed goals, one of mine is to learn to have some kind of intimate relationship again. But he says this crush I’m pursuing now isn’t healthy for me, I agree, but it’s hard to let go, and my limerence is related to emotional OCD-type symptoms. Before I had this current crush, my obsession was focused… on the therapist. I was able to be open about it. The therapist tried to ditch me, but I talked him out of it, and I’m glad, because he focuses on skills, whereas other therapists I’ve had do just what you and Dr. Solomon say. I had a female therapist for a long time who definitely encouraged dependence on her and other people in my life. Unfortunately, I think I may be the poster child for the ultimate sufferer of Limerence. I have severe attachment issues due to some childhood neglect and have avoided romance for decades, and have issues with attaching to close friends in a limerent way also, wanting to spend too much time with them, talking endlessly and unproductively. For me, it’s about control and about ENDING relationships and who controls the end. But that’s changing as I’m learning to loosen my emotional grip and be less needy and more self reliant. Like I said, it’s a long road, I’m 58, and I’ve only got so much time left. I’m hoping to live long enough to witness the complete technological downfall of social media. That would definitely help ease this condition for me.
“For me, it’s about control and about ENDING relationships and who controls the end.”
If you’re really good at that, it’s like intentionally crashing a plane but they give you a medal because nobody got hurt. It doesn’t do anything for you or the person you took with you but done with enough finesse, you can come off looking like a saint.
Figure you have between 1/3 and 1/2 of your life left. You can cram a lot of happiness into that amount of time. You may not know what that looks like now but if you believe it and keep working at it, you should be able to find it.
And, when you do, you’ll like it.
Thank you Scharnhorst. I’m not good at ending things or crashing metaphorical planes with finesse, but I’m getting better at letting go of blaming myself or others and not being so hard on myself for this and other issues.
Hope is a good thing and so is believing in happiness. Thank you for your positive words of encouragement.
I recommend you take a look at https://sharischreiber.com/do-you-love-to-be-needed/.
I really like her work. Some of the articles can be very intense but she knows what she’s talking about. When I was working with a therapist, I wrote up a history of my relationship with LO #2, printed out one of Schreiber’s articles, and told the therapist that we’d be talking about them next session.
Working through this can be really hard and really painful. Peeling back one layer often reveals something new. It’s easy to get distracted and lose focus because there’s so much going on in your head. Delving into it can take you places you’d really rather avoid and confronting these things can leave you feeling really raw.
Here’s another dirty little secret about therapists. You’re not their only client and they have lives. They’re probably not spending any time between sessions thinking about you. My guess is they probably don’t even review last session’s notes, let alone spend time making a plan for you. The upshot of that is you largely get out of therapy what you put into it. I found Schreiber’s articles really valuable in identifying areas I wanted to focus on.
It doesn’t sound like you’re asking for all that much. To me, it’s that you want to love somebody and have somebody love you back. That’s not unreasonable. The obstacles can be formidable but they shouldn’t be insurmountable.
One of the best quotes in that article is “Every core injured adult child has to live with the tormenting, inescapable question: “Am I good enough to be loved by you?”
When you finally believe you’re good enough, there will be no stopping you.
As if learning about limerence wasn’t already painfully enlightening, Shari Schreiber dug at my non-cognitive processes as well, exposing a cesspool of hidden truth. It’s been hard to read about, take in and face these aspects of my core being. I’m slowly processing it and feels like the beginning of reluctant healing. Great anxiety, I’ve lived with my “truth” for 64 years and done ok until I met my LO. If I resolve my issues, who will I be?
“If I resolve my issues, who will I be?”
Lisa 2.0
My bet is you’ll like her.
I was in school and met someone. I felt a connection with her and opened up to her about things. I graduated from school but she had a couple more months. I went about my business with work. A little over a year later, I was at an interview. I looked up and there she was, she worked there, but i had no clue. We started talking and became friends. She told me she was in love with someone she could not be with as 1) they were in a relationship and had been for 20 + yrs and 2) they lived out of state. Things began to progress between us and she told me she ended it with the other person. I threw caution to the wind. I fell in love. I met her daughters and her step mom. I thought I had finally found the one. We had so much fun. After a year and a half she pulled the rug out from underneath me. She was going to be with the other person. They had ended their long term relationship. I was devastated and felt like an idiot. I never really got closure. I have not dated since. I am a guarded person but she broke those walls down. They are now back up. However, I still love her. I have left her alone but struggle with realizing how well she played with my heart and mind. I would have never guessed she was capable of being that kind of person
Questions of the Day” “How and where did you meet your LOs?”
To be a limerent, you need a limerent, or potential, LO. We have to encounter them somewhere.
Maybe Lucy can do something with this.
LOs:
LO #1: College, her roommate suggested we see “Animal House” together
LO #2: Post-college, I was introduced to her by a mutual professional acquaintance.
LO #3: Post LO #2 breakup, the roommate of a woman LO #2 tried to set me up with
LO #4: Random online encounter, I start posting on her site and things took off from there.
Non-LOs:
Woman I screwed over when I broke up with LO #2 the first time: SIL of co-worker
Possibly Histronic Massage Therapist: Met at community event
Love-bomber: SIL of different co-worker
Wife: Picked her up in a bar on Ladies Night
The inference is referrals don’t work well for me. Nobody knows me like I know me. I do better on my own.
The “possibly histrionic massage therapist” sounds like trouble from a boundaries point of view. Thank goodness you weren’t limerent for her!
I discovered about limerence recently. It was more of a friends with benefits kind of a thing. I never understood how could he sleep with me and then next day act so casual.I tried going no contact so many times but he used to come back everytime,and due to lack of discipline I used to give in to that high. I still constantly Iive for his validation for eg:If I listen to this music he will think I am worth it, If I start watching this series he will think I am worth it, If I have an excellent career he will definitely respect me.It’s not like I have not confessed my feelings to him but he still talks to me. It’s actually a roller coaster somedays he will pay me so much of attention but somedays he will just not reply for days.I had such a kind SO who loved me more than anything in this world,I ruined it because of my limerence. I have no interests left and I am unemployed. How to stop caring and stop living for him and start living for myself?
My wife’s mother passed away in 2018. While staying with her – my wife met a guy and they later started texting each other. That soon turned into sexting. When I found out – we agreed she would stop. On her mother’s 6 month anniversary she started texting him again. She wanted to leave me and our kids. He lives 3000 miles away from us but she didn’t see this as a problem. We worked it out and she stopped. Then my sister died and she was texting him again. While we were out on the east coast visiting her family – she insisted on seeing him. “I need to get him out of my mind. ” I knew it was a bad idea but agreed and sure enough she was even more obsessed. I chose to contact him and he agreed to not write to her again. She was devastated. She soon was recovering and everything started returning to normal. Eight months later Covid shut the country down and she relapsed and he started texting her again. She recovered on her own from that episode. Then two weeks ago I texted positive for Covid. And again she reached out to her LO. That is when I found your site. I believe my wife has limerance. Is there a connection between death/tragedy and her episodes. When we talk about the guy she quite honestly says there is nothing there but she has a need to be in his life. I am much less angry and hurt than I was. Your site has been very helpful. Thank you.
This is such a good article. I think limerence did sneak up on me. The first time it happened, I didn’t know what was going on. All my brain registered was “pleasant feelings – I just want to get more of these pleasant feelings.”
Initial interactions with LO were very free and easy – on both sides. Then, one day, fear crept into the exchange. And when I say “fear”, I mean fear of being judged. Suddenly, I started caring excessively about what LO might think of me and felt hurt and rejected all the time over trivial things. There was such a huge desire to impress on my part and obviously I was failing to impress – ergo, the hurt.
I think it really did change in the blink of an eye – from free and easy to wounded and feeling judged all the time. (Who wouldn’t be confused if their good friend started acting as I did?) Yet I don’t think LO changed. Only I changed. I went from being happy-go-lucky to desperately insecure – but mainly insecure around LO. Around people who weren’t LO, I became a lot more impatient than usual.
Sammy,
I noticed that personality change when I was in the throes of limerence going bad. I lost my temper with my poor Mum, I snapped at coworkers and friends and subsequently my close circle became alarmed, as I tend to be rather easy going and patient, even in very trying circumstances. Limerence really messes with the head…all that adrenalin pumping…I really didn’t like that side of myself that the insecurity of limerence generated. Fortunately it wasn’t a permanent change.
@Jaideux. It’s amazing how something that starts out making us feel so good ends up making us feel so bad. Yes, I remember the negative emotions only too well – lots and lots of anger piling up like clouds on the horizon. I may have told my dad everything he never wanted to know!
To tell you the truth, I actually took up drinking in an attempt to soften my mood swings. (I don’t drink anymore, and haven’t for many years). However, I used alcohol to feel numb, to “blunt” the intense negativity inside me. Totally unhealthy. Don’t recommend it. But I honestly felt I needed something external to help me regulate my moods. The internal controls just didn’t work. I didn’t want to feel anything at all for a time.
This is my new biggest fear Sammy, that my current LE is setting me off, towards my son. I’m all he’s got, and somehow, I’m so impatient with him. I’m not the fun mum I use to be. And I worry for his well-being.
Is why I started looking for reasons for my current behaviour. Why I was desperate to work out why I was feeling the way I was. While part of me is happy to finally have a word to describe it, to have an explanation. I also saddened by it too.
It’s been a heck of a ride. I’ve been trying to resist this limerence for 20 years it so. It really came on gradually from missed attraction signalling and then my becoming involved with someone else that they are close to. After a bad breakup with that person, my LO was also unhappily married and eventually divorced a few years later come to find out. I lost contact for 10 years. Mind you, I had no clue about limerence, so I thought that thinking of them more than what was probably typical was actually typical. I ran into some of their work and I made the mistake of contacting them. Things came flooding back, worse than ever, and now things are incredibly strained because they are in a difficult relationship that needs serious attention, and they’ve communicated that there are feelings of some sort for me, and they need to hold me at arms length. Which, as we know is the exact opposite of what’s needed. Especially since I’ve given them multiple opportunities to reject me, and practically begged them to do so, and instead there’s silence but occasionally communication which escalates and then it starts over again. Putting a name to this thing is a bit like naming rumplestiltzkin. I can go ‘Ah, ha!’ and recognize the triggers. I just hope they don’t contact me, as much as I would love them to l, and as much as I love them, more than words can ever express really though I have written way too much to state that realistically lol, we keep going round and round and they’re direly needed elsewhere. What I like about knowing what this is, is that it in no way invalidates my feelings or claims they’re false, because they aren’t. It’s just that they go too far, and that’s dangerous emotionally. Tl;dr – if you’ve lost contact, keep it that way – don’t risk limerence reasserting itself with you and your LO.
VT thank you for your cautionary tale. I think it’s a very important reminder, and I appreciate it. I hope your limerence dies down soon. This site will help!
“ popular culture is saturated with representations of limerence and its effects.”
Ha I guess Edward from twilight was experience limerence🤯
https://youtu.be/e9o8m1ABAGY