The limerence quiz
Limerence is an altered mental state of intense infatuation that many people experience in the early stages of love.
This questionnaire is designed to test whether you have ever experienced the symptoms of limerence.
There are twenty five questions which cover the positive and negative aspects of limerence, and help build up a picture of your romantic temperament.
Answer all questions on the scale from “strongly agree” to “strongly disagree” if you have ever experienced the described reaction to someone you were infatuated with.
About this quiz
The questions for this quiz were created from the list of symptoms laid out by Dorothy Tennov when she first defined the concept of limerence. That foundation was built upon by feedback from the Living with Limerence community.
More information:
To learn more about limerence and what it means for your romantic life, start here.
If you are currently suffering through the emotional storm of limerence, you can download a quickstart guide on how to Take Control, and free yourself from the pain:
Need help with limerence recovery?
Download our free, 10 step guide to freedom
I think this quiz is more suited to answer “Are you currently experiencing limerence?”
I imagine a “limerent” is someone who has experienced limerence in the past too, not only someone currently experiencing it
That’s true, T. You’ll have to cast your mind back if you’re not currently in that altered state of mind.
I try to tell myself I’m not limerent as a identity, more did I get due to complex circumstances in a LE.
It gives me some what more hope for the future.
I will definitely watch out for those circumstances.
Agreed. Limerence is a part of who we are, but it isn’t an identity.
I’m a 50 year old man. Divorced 8 years ago I went a year following my divorce just playing the field and connected with an old classmate after a reunion. We “dated” for nearly 2 years ( I use quotes because her high-school age children hated that she was dating so we kept it secret) I thought I was going to marry this woman she was great!! But she ended things when it became apparent that her daughter would abandon her if she kept seeing me. I was crushed and saw nobody for 8 months but kept in contact with her through text hoping that she would just follow her heart. She finally told me I should get out again and move on. So I did and I quickly became involved with a woman who didn’t have the greatest reputation but she was exciting and different from what I had been with. We did everything together and she moved in. We partied a lot it turned out she was bisexual and she enjoyed sharing her encounters with me and eventually we dabbled in swinging. It was new and exciting I loved all of it. Until she eventually started showing her true colors and she became very toxic and jealous of my children, namely my 16 year old daughter and it got so bad I had to tell her to leave. It’s been a year since the break-up and I’ve been seeing someone new for about 8 months. The new woman is wonderful but I can’t stop thinking about my last relationship and I miss the excitement of everything we did together intimately and publicly. So I’m remembering the good times and not the bad but it has kept me from giving what I need to the current relationship which is wonderful until she creeps back into my mind. I also have to say that I did have a one night fling with her shortly after starting to date the new woman at which point all the bad things flooded back in and I knew I couldn’t return to that. I had a nice new woman to be with but previous woman has infiltrated my ever thought at about the year mark of our break-up. I can’t stop thinking of her and I know she’s toxic. Am I a limerant or am I just going crazy? How do I get out of this? I try to never talk about her with current woman but she does creep into conversation but not enough to make current woman suspicious. Please help.
I’m quite keen to know how limerence occurs when the LO has cut you out of their life.
This has happened to me before, though I was a teenager then. For me, it all stemmed from not knowing for sure I had been blocked/cut out so I kept hanging on to the hope that she would respond to my (occasional – once every few months, if even that) messages. I am a bit of a stubborn person, so I kept trying over several years (to no avail, of course). Eventually I finally found the strength to just let go after convincing myself that she wasn’t a good person (though in hindsight, all of her actions were reasonable).
I’m gobsmacked, genuinely. I think I’ve just discovered a situation in my life which I now identify as limerence. I experienced limerence from 17yr to 19yr old. It happened straight after I left a very abusive relationship, I got my first proper job and had my own freedom, life was suddenly exciting and then suddenly there was this young handsome man and he was slightly friendly towards me and it went straight to my head. He didn’t want me, he didn’t outright reject me but my behaviour was overwhelming and I scared him away, I at the same time was so overwhelmed I couldn’t hold a conversation with him, I was a mess, I really felt like I loved him but I didn’t know what to do with all the emotions, so when he did actually show an interest in me I thought it was a trick and I went out of my way to pretend that I didn’t want him when it was actually the opposite, I never wanted anything more in my life, and it caused me a lot of pain, I think this is because I had a very neglectful and abusive childhood and I didn’t understand healthy relationships full stop. I always regretted my overall behaviour but the years I’d remember him from time to time when I was scared I’d let myself remember what it felt like to be in that emotional state, nice conversations we had, his eyes, his laugh, and it got me through. Looking back I feel so sorry for That girl that I was, she just wanted to be loved. However it’s NEVER left me, I’m 37 now, and a mother of 2 children, I’ve just had the most difficult 4 years of my entire life, I’ve struggled with severe health issues, deep emotional pain, and an unstable relationship with family and my children’s father, then sadly my little brother passed away at a young age and it completely broke my heart but also left me in shock. I’ve been thinking about him again and wondering where he is, does he have a family too, is he Ok etc etc and letting my mind wander to the memory of when I was deep in the middle of the limerence because it feels good which is why I think it’s a big problem for some people, including me, life gets hard and bam, limerence new or in memory. Reading this has helped me realize that I am suffering from an altered mental state and the grief I am going through as well as shock and fear of going through serious life challenges has triggered my emotions and memories. I believe I also have cptsd from childhood and that may be a big cause of my limerence in the first place. I want to get rid of this feeling 😭
Welcome to the club, Rose. It sounds like you’ve had some big struggles. I’m sorry about your loss. That is so hard. The intensity of the feelings will diminish with time, but you will probably always miss your brother and that is okay. It is normal and healthy. It sounds like you are using limerence for mood regulation. Dr L has an article about that.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/using-limerence-for-mood-regulation/
You mentioned some childhood trauma. I think you might like The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Here is one of her videos…
https://youtu.be/3N_t0ZSvn_Y
It is good to ponder and accept the origins of our struggles if they are rooted in childhood trauma, but it isn’t helpful to blame our problems on our parents in my opinion. I would encourage you to identify helpful memories so you can make sense of your current experiences, but don’t waste time blaming others. Let me try to explain what I mean. I will share an example.
I have a strange trigger where I will get a panic attack while driving or riding on some hills. It’s not all the time and I haven’t figured out why some hills are triggering and most are not. It happens quickly and unexpectedly. I have learned to use deep breaths when it happens. If I am not driving and the anxiety won’t subside, I have used allergy medication to sedate myself. That is how I cope. I know the root of that trigger. I fell out of a truck on the highway as an infant. It was an accident. My whole family remembers the incident as a traumatic event. My mother was driving and my brother, who was a toddler at the time, opened the truck door. It is helpful that I know where my trigger came from because I can use that awareness to calm my anxiety today. I can tell myself, “I am safe. My body is reacting to something that happened a long time ago. This road is safe and the doors are all closed.” It helps. But it wouldn’t be helpful for me to label myself broken or for me to blame my mom or my brother for this quirky problem. Does that make sense?
I hope this information is helpful. Best wishes!
Maybe i am a limerent or maybe i just love someone. The only thing that makes me think i am a limerent is that surely it’s not possible to love someone so much?
Before i met this person i was a loner and had been for 40 years. Then one day something clicked, it felt like i had fallen in love, i took the walls down and let her right in. I trusted her more than anyone and it made me feel like i’d been stupid for shutting people out all these years.
Literature is full of great romances, love stories that are known the world over, many involve pain, suffering, torment, heartache, are these all limerents or is it that love can reach a level where the person you love is everything to you? I am so confused, i would have done anything for the woman i met, she made me feel like i’d just started living and everything was wonderful, i was truly happy. Since she’s backed away, i’m more sad than i’ve ever been, my whole world has stopped and i will never trust anyone again.
Vince, sorry to hear of what feels like betrayal to you. Do you have any other context? We’re you in a romantic dating relationship? Were you just close friends? And how is she backing away?
Love and limerence can be close cousins. Sometimes limerence happens without love, and sometimes limerence comes out of love. Limerence is simply the addiction to a person, usually of the romantic variety. It can occur with people you don’t actually know, and it can occur with people that have been life long friends. Sounds like your possible limerence was born out of a close relationship with someone, and now that the someone had introduced either barriers or uncertainty to your relationship it has been limerence in you.
I had a girlfriend for 3 years in my young man days and after she broke up with me I became limerent for her for a good 3+ years after. That limerence was born out of a love relationship I had with her and love and limerence seems a blurry mess.
On the other hand, my current LO is just a coworker who I had really no personal relationship with prior to becoming limerent. It’s hard for me to claim that I truly love her, so limerence sits in contrast to love in this instance.
But please don’t write off personal relationships with people because of this one person. Perhaps other amazing people are out their ready to get to know you and become your friend or even a romantic partner.
Having been limerent for many decades and also in a long-term monogamous relationship (with a few interruptions due to limerence) for decades I can spot the signs in myself straightaway – elation, adrenalin, obsession, projection, excuses for communication, emojis 🤣💔. I have been safe for about 14 years but then someone new comes in to my life – unbidden, unsearched for – embodying the universal spirit of eternal love – and i know i could be in trouble again. For past excursions into the limerent quagmire the solution for me has always been NC – tricky at the moment although I could make up an excuse for disappearing but I don’t want to yet. I expect it will end up with NC in the near future. I was part of an online limerent community back in 2007/08/09 and found it extremely helpful to spend time with people who know exactly what is going on without judgment or exasperation but real concern and stuck in the moment or helping those stuck in the moment. Glad to see you are around Dr L – I heard your podcast. Wonderful summary of our emotional realities.
What limerent community group are you in because I need someone too talk to about this stuff. I’m 17 and just experiencing my first limerence, it is so hard because I had a relationship before and now I broke up with her because I am in Limerence with someone else. I hate this feeling and I wanna know how to stop being in limerence with another girl because I really want to be with my ex again and love her.
Welcome Simfora, you can talk to us.
I’m impressed you can see through the feelings that this is not what you want. Bravo. A lot of people will go 100%for the new person.
Is it possible to go no contact with your LO . I mean do you have to see her ?
There is also a more private community group you can sign up for if you want.
Welcome, Simfora. There’s a link to join the private community form at the top of the page (Community pages) or click here.
The wanting LO more than anything… Almost. But being passionate about geology, rocks always come first. But then sometimes when you can’t think straight about some rocks because limerence!
Goddammit.
Fortunately not been that bad for some time though.
I scored a 100 % !!
🙁 Thats a questionable honour!
I also think that people in love also will score high, my view is we limerents have every (normal) aspect of being in love but much more intense. And therefor more highs and very bad lows.
We have a Winner!
Claim your prize!
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/steel-canoe-planter-featuring-orange-flowers-1144315910
Omg ! Hahaha thats too funny Eme!
Yeah I already claimed my prize, three years of hell that was.
Just checked the scores, Mia, and 7 people (out of 235 total in the first week) have scored 100% so far! So, you’re in good company 🙂
Lowest score to date is 19%, which is great because it suggests the quiz actually does succeed in identifying “non-limerence” too.
98%. Joy.
Not only your name is Groot, so is your score! 🙂
53%
I was trying to answer it as I remember my last LE so it was probably higher then. It’s probably actually lower now that I’m 6 years out of my last LE.
“Out of my last LE”…. sounds great, not there yet but getting there .
Slowly but steady.
Well steady-ish
Now that the L is getting less intense I have to fight myself since the idea of being jolly just good old friends seems more ” realistic” ( it’s not, I know).
Damn I’m 86% after over 1 month no contact and I already disclosed.
Same😭
I’m a 50 year old man. Divorced 8 years ago I went a year following my divorce just playing the field and connected with an old classmate after a reunion. We “dated” for nearly 2 years ( I use quotes because her high-school age children hated that she was dating so we kept it secret) I thought I was going to marry this woman she was great!! But she ended things when it became apparent that her daughter would abandon her if she kept seeing me. I was crushed and saw nobody for 8 months but kept in contact with her through text hoping that she would just follow her heart. She finally told me I should get out again and move on. So I did and I quickly became involved with a woman who didn’t have the greatest reputation but she was exciting and different from what I had been with. We did everything together and she moved in. We partied a lot it turned out she was bisexual and she enjoyed sharing her encounters with me and eventually we dabbled in swinging. It was new and exciting I loved all of it. Until she eventually started showing her true colors and she became very toxic and jealous of my children, namely my 16 year old daughter and it got so bad I had to tell her to leave. It’s been a year since the break-up and I’ve been seeing someone new for about 8 months. The new woman is wonderful but I can’t stop thinking about my last relationship and I miss the excitement of everything we did together intimately and publicly. So I’m remembering the good times and not the bad but it has kept me from giving what I need to the current relationship which is wonderful until she creeps back into my mind. I also have to say that I did have a one night fling with her shortly after starting to date the new woman at which point all the bad things flooded back in and I knew I couldn’t return to that. I had a nice new woman to be with but previous woman has infiltrated my ever thought at about the year mark of our break-up. I can’t stop thinking of her and I know she’s toxic. Am I a limerant or am I just going crazy? How do I get out of this? I try to never talk about her with current woman but she does creep into conversation but not enough to make current woman suspicious. Please help.
I don’t know if you are limerent. It sounds like you are hooked on the hormone surges that sprang from an exciting lifestyle; your obsession is probably more about the feelings than the actual person. This website has several articles about how to get over someone. I hope you’ll read through the blog archives. The articles and comments were very helpful to get me through a limerent episode.
It sounds like you had some exciting experiences and it would be difficult to go back to a “normal” relationship that doesn’t deliver those highs. The lifestyle you described sounds exhausting to me, but I can see how it appeals to others. Perhaps a high-adrenaline hobby like skydiving would help. You might also consider focusing on the bad parts of your relationship with your ex girlfriend if she enters your mind. Us limerents tend to overlook red flags, but we should focus on them. Purposeful living is very helpful, too. A new LO is what worked best for me. Of course there is danger with a new LO, I’m keeping this one at arm’s length and I try really hard not to fantasize about him. The two things that set off my limerence are disclosing to an LO who reciprocates disclosure and indulging in reverie. Since you are single those two things could help you develop a promising relationship. Whereas, I am a happily married woman who has no business admitting romantic feelings to another man.
I wish you luck. It’s none of my business, but I’m cheering for the current, more healthful relationship.
Three months into a new relationship with a limerent score of 49%. We are both working together and individually to stay grounded as much as possible. It isn’t easy, especially since both of us have a history of significant relationship trauma. That of which, has left us both starved of and insatiable for a healthy romantic relationship.
Hope my score reflects the work we’ve put towards staying grounded in limerence.
It appears to me that most of the questions in the quiz identify an intense infatuation which could also apply to the early stages of just falling in love with someone. From my personal experience with limerence (88% score), I am missing questions like these:
Experiencing a debilitating and very intense grief after a break-up with an EO.
Taking a ridiculously long time, sometimes years, to get over the EO.
Feeling inferior and not good enough to be loved by the EO.
A sudden and irrational onset of those love symptoms, sometimes at first sight. (Glimmer)
Not wanting to be in love but having seemingly no control over these feelings.
Imagining a deep connection which is actually not real when scrutinized with a sober mind.
Suffering from physical exhaustion after spending time with the beloved, even when things go smoothly. (dopamine rush)
Feeling shy, foolish or awkward around the loved person, unable to be my usual self and therefore unable to connect on a deeper level.
Ignoring very obvious red flags that should indicate a poor compatibility with that EO person.
Putting up with disrespectful or other inappropriate behavior from the EO, because it is too painful to leave. (trauma bonding)
In short, there could be many more indications that point to a pathological infatuation as opposed to a temporary healthy one.
Your website has helped me a lot to understand myself better, keep up the good work!
I am 38 years old and 13 months ago I became limerent for someone I only spent 20 minutes of my life with.
It has been 13 months of confusion, helplessness, frustration, being frightened for myself, disappoint in myself for succumbing to it, feeling weak for not being able to rid myself of this affliction. In the most painful episodes I would cry and shake on my couch or in the bathtub, I would pace around my kitchen for hours, I would write long text messages, record 90 minute voice messages to LO, every waking second was of them — or the idea of them which took front real estate in my brain. I never experienced anything like this before in my life. It scared the hell out of me as I’m usually someone who’s very guarded and cautious and do not fall for others easily.
I said I only spent 20 minutes of my entire life with her. She was a hairdresser who cut my hair, one who I initially thought was attractive but it didn’t stir any feelings of longing inside me.
Six months later we match on a dating app and after just five days of exchanging messages, I was captured. That was the glimmer and I haven’t been the same ever since. I couldn’t get this woman out of my mind. At all. I asked her out over text message but she didn’t give me a yes or no answer. I thought it was best to leave her alone and try to let this feeling pass. It didn’t. Two months later I know something wasn’t right with me. I was still thinking about her virtually every minute.
I began searching terms like ‘can’t forget about a girl’ and still clung to hope this infatuation would pass. By to the third month I felt so helpless being trapped, I started to cry often. I thought I was crying over her. I now know I was crying over having my mind hijacked again, over someone I barely knew.
I asked her out a month later (Valentine’s night) and she accepted! I was euphoric! You couldn’t smack the smile off my face. For two weeks we messaged daily, hours at a time. After two weeks a misunderstanding arose… It led to tense messages exchanged. My feelings spilled out of my fingers. I said A LOT of things I wish I could take back. In short, I completely scared her away. I thought it would be best to leave her alone but this was when my limerence was at its most devastatingly potent. My hands shook, I like lightening had fried me from the inside, my brain was a muddled daze and I was experiencing a crushing hell I’d never experienced before.
It is now nearly 10 months later. I’d go a month and half or so of No Contact but then I’d cave and text. The fun was gone on her end. Her replies (if she replied) were two words or two sentences at the most. There was no fixing what we had. I unfollowed her on social media but during the summer I saw a photo of her wearing a white t-shirt and Jean shorts… very happily smiling with another guy. My heart caved in on itself.
But…
I knew then this infatuation had to end. I had to end it. I did not want to carry this in me anymore. It took a lot of work but I nearly killed my crush on her… until her birthday recently. I had gone three successful months without sending her a word. I thought I was in a place where I could be strong enough to be her friend. I texted her a happy birthday. She did respond. I was happy to have my friend back.
Until… I saw her post her birthday celebration photos. Photos which showcased her full blonde hair, wearing a tight top and pink latex skirt. I’d never seen anyone look so stunningly beautiful/sexy and Limerence hit me once again like a 18-wheeler speeding down the highway.
I relapsed.
I tried to play it cool by sending her ‘hey, how are you?’ texts but I could tell from the bluntness in her replies she didn’t feel like hearing from me. I felt that crushing feeling again. I gave it a week and sent her another long-ish message stating I still liked her and asked her one more time for coffee.
I was informed the next morning that she had been seeing somebody for six months and that she very much wanted me to not put my feelings on her or write her anymore messages like that again.
I asked her to unfriend me. She wouldn’t. So I unfriended her later that day. I don’t regret it. I know I did the right thing and I can already sense the idea of her fading from my mind. I do believe I’m actually starting to come out of this hellish experience after 13 months.
I feel terrible I brought another person into this ordeal. One who didn’t deserve this and probably will hate me forever. We never did have that coffee and most likely never will.
I NEVER want to put myself or anyone else through this ever again.
Wow Journalist, that sounds like a severe case of limerence. I hope the resources on this site soothe your pain. The most helpful recommendation for me was to transfer my limerence to a new LO. Luckily, it worked for me. I hope you find what works for you.
Best wishes!
I think I’m semi limerent, my brain keeps fixating on this woman I barely know. She is pretty but I am not keen on her as an overall person (I don’t hate her, just don’t like her either, overall ambivalent).
I scored 10% on the quiz
I don’t feel anything for her, but why does my brain keep bringing her to my attention?
Is this another strain on limerence?
I want her to leave my head
Hi Gina, that is an interesting case. I see why you want her to leave your head. Perhaps her presence in your mind would be considered an intrusive thought. There is a short YouTube video called “How to deal with intrusive thoughts” by Mark Freeman. It may help.
Good luck!
Thank you
Hi Gina,
I wonder if you can identify some of the specific reasons why you feel you are having ongoing thoughts about her. Does she embody the physical characteristics your wish you had? What kind of things are you thinking about her?
96%
Makes sense. I’m only a week out of the whole thing falling apart (a 5 year, mutual limerance) and about 3 days out from actually finding out that my condition has a name. It’s been a long week of work on myself and I’m actually somewhat proud of where I am, all things considered.
Hi, How are you doing now? I see it’s been a few months now. I am over 6 months out after discovering what happened had a name as well. I have followed no contact since. I am so desperate to forget him. I am healing slowly. Time really is the answer. But I haven’t had anybody to explain the whole story from beginning to end and for some reason I think it would help me heal. Am I the only one who thinks that? The person who listened and understood me was him so I literally have nobody now. I know part of my healing is to grow a healthy group of friends and have new relationships and I have been trying, but he’s always in the back of my mind which really sucks
Thanks for the test. I’m surprised one question wasn’t do you like the other person even they will never like you back in a romantic way. That’s my biggest fear. I’ve never really been attached to anyone and now at 56, I think I found my soulmate. We do have a lot in common. Same morals and values we go to the same Church. I think she feels it too. I saw her in Church for 15 years and we met 3 years ago and she feels perfect for me. I feel like she’s not ready for a relationship yet so I haven’t pushed for it. But maybe she will never be ready. That where the limerence is a possibility on my end. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal about our future than there will ever be. Or maybe she has an avoidant personality. Btw I was at 54% on the test. I’d like to hear some opinions from people on this.
74%, probably because I’ve only recently learned about limerence, and I’m not sure as of yet whether my feelings tend closer toward a crush/summer fling or actual potential romantic love. With that being said, this is the strongest I’ve felt for any one person in a long time (including my fiancé), so I’m eager to learn more about what I’m going thru.
Background: I’ve been in a committed relationship for just over 12 yrs (engaged last year); kids, home, cars, pets, the whole package. I truly love my fiancé, and I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
I have been infatuated with other partners (sexual, romantic, workplace, etc.) 12+ yrs ago, but never to the same degree as this current LO.
I’ve been unfaithful to my fiancé with one other person years ago when, as we can both look back on and agree, our relationship had been at its worst point. As far as I can tell that episode had more to do with the fragile, spiteful state of my relationship than feelings of limerence toward the other woman. Regardless, we’ve righted those wrongs, and have since moved on as a stronger couple, but to this day my fiancé is unaware of my one infidelity.
Setting: As this summer dawned my fiancé and I found ourselves bumping into at random, thus, socializing more often with another couple (together 18 yrs, married 8, also w 2 young kids) we have both been friends with for probably 20 yrs. Within the last two or three months, we two couples have grown especially close considering how seldom we socialized together prior. In addition to a variety of public functions we’ve invited each other to (professional sporting events, concerts, street festivals, etc.) we’ve invited this couple to our home many times (sometimes as part of a bigger guest list and sometimes just them) for any type of function ranging from a child’s bday party to wild pool parties to more intimate, double-date style evenings spent drinking, playing games, and even enjoying some illicit drug use late into the morning hours. Things have been nice; an outsider might consider we two couples inseparable, even given the relatively short amount of time since we’ve “reunited”.
Cue what I believe to be my first ever actual LE: as the four of us have grown closer, I’ve found myself growing more and more fond of this sharp-witted, hilarious, compatible, amazingly attractive, married mother of two. I respect her husband; he’s a great father, a strong provider, and a firm friend. But the feelings of limerence I have for his wife, as of now, have been far stronger than any conceivable guilt I would feel if things were to pan out as ideally, albeit secretive, as I could hope between LO and I. The fact that it’s common knowledge that the two of them have had bouts of infidelity, on both their parts, in the past does not help whatsoever. I’m infatuated with LO sexually but not necessarily romantically; I think of her as someone I could enjoy dating, but not particularly falling in love with as I’ve realized she and I hold polar opposite views on at least a handful of moral and ethical issues.
Additionally, it’s evident there’s at least a spark of reciprocal attraction from LO: we’ve touched on intimate subject matter via text (both parties guilty of saying things neither of our s/o’s would approve of reading), drunkenly exchanged the phrase “I could just kiss u right now”, the fluency of our body language, the eagerness behind some of the glances we’ve exchanged in passing, and the abundance of playful flirting when we’re near each other teeters on what I would consider sexual tension. The handful of times we’ve found ourselves perfectly alone together, no matter how brief, we’ve shared overly flirtatious, even suggestive language and a few playful caresses which neither of us have spurned or even kindly declined; these instances come to mind as intrusively as they do fiercely, and I’ve taken care not to embellish their significance. Much to my dismay, we have yet to find the opportunity to take any physical step further, usually due to proximity to other ppl, time constraints, or just practicality of locale. It’s driving me absolutely mad.
LO and I have yet to have a candid conversation about what exactly we each want from the other, but supposing my assessment of the situation is accurate (and so long as I haven’t annoyed her to the point of her losing any sense of reciprocal attraction), I can only imagine what would be ideal for both LO and myself would be some sort of long-term, super-secretive affair. Alas, I fear our commitments to our respective families, friends, careers, and social lives may never prove conducive to such an arrangement. I also fear that the time and energy needed from both of us to nurture the aforementioned commitments may gradually snuff out any spark of mutual attraction and longing either or both of us currently harbor.
In conclusion, idk where, when, or why this limerence has manifested itself, especially after knowing LO in a friendly capacity for years prior. Idk if I want it to fade away or if I’d rather see it thru to what we could hopefully both consider fulfillment.
I do know, without having to ask, that LO and I both care deeply about our respective families and futures, and both of us would sooner never speak again than compromise the sanctity of our separate lives we’ve worked very hard to build.
…but I also know that both LO and I are capable of the utmost discretion, likely with minimal guilt. On top of all this: it’s probably safe to assume that, given the opportunity, LO and I could potentially open new doors within each other’s sexuality that we never even knew were there. All in all, I feel there are potentially many benefits (and one MAJOR consequence) to exploring this devious new lifestyle. I can’t help but feel things could be great for both LO and I if we were to at least take a peek behind the curtain. Not to mention the fact that affairs have often times led to unexpected upticks in otherwise monotonous, even dreary marriages, relationships, etc.
Questions:
WHY???
Does it usually help reach some tentative conclusion, whether good or bad mentally, for the limerent, to open a candid dialogue with LO, as realistically and responsibly as possible, about these feelings?
If no further steps are taken by either party and this whole LE does eventually fizzle out and become nothing more than an enthusiastic summer crush, is it typical for a limerent to sooner or later experience some type of lingering regret at not knowing what could have been?
What if we could have our cake and eat it too??
As someone who this has happened to far too many times and always with a very painful end… No. You can’t have your cake and eat it. There is always a penalty and not just for you and your LO. I completely recognise how amazing and exciting this illicit flirting is but try to pull away from this other couple before it goes too far. Especially if it’s just about sex. Or you might be left with two broken families and nothing to show for it.
This is helpful, but it mixes intentional with unintentional characteristics.
Even though I scored 92%, it’s actually 100% of everything unintentional.
I never tolerate or feed the thoughts and feelings, because it would be mental adultery, considering I’m married.
So removing the intentional ones (#13, 15, 20, 24), I get 21 of 21.
I did the test, not based on any current LE, but based on memory of most vivid/probable LE, and I scored 79%. 🙂
During actual LE, I was not aware of strong feelings of jealousy. However, in hindsight, I can see strong feelings of jealousy were involved, so I put down “strongly agree” for that question. During actual LE, I would have answered “disagree”. For a time, I was blind to the jealousy dimension of limerence. 🤔
90. At the early stage.
Hi. I took this test today, and scored 52%. I recall that it was 80 – 90 % when I took it earlier. I will take this as progress 🙂
Now I was curious and took the test too, and was also at 52%.
I‘m aware that might change with more contact but it’s a good sign anyway.
That’s a good sign, Mila. Yes, I am also interested how I would feel if/when there is LO contact – will I be as resolute as I am now, or will I take a step back, a lot would depend on LO behavior.
Hi ABCD,
my last contacts actually helped me making steps forward. You are right that if LO would have behaved differently it would have been different.
We should probably work on not depending on their behavior anymore.
Taking the test again, I’m now 26 now. I might be denying some of my emotions, or lowing their intensity, or wishing I feel that way. I know I’m still a lingering limerent in regular contact with LO at work. Outside work, I feel somewhat numb about this long-winded LE.
Well, last night/this early dawn LO was in my dream again, in which my Unconscious demonized him again…. It’s a perception of my Unconscious 👁️ tells me how awful LE could go if it were reciprocated w/ PA, which might indicate that I was always after an EA.
Just woke up from the “nightmare” and took the test again — 26. I don’t think it’s accurate.
I’m still sentimental, which has been “habitual” as far as I could go back to perhaps 5 or 6 yrs.
Different scores in same person beg some questions:
1. once limerent, would one always be a limerent?
2. Once recovered with knowledge and skills, would a limerent become a non-limerent? This test score would change.
3. If limeeent is born with it, how would s/he know without ever running into a LO or slipping into limerence?
4. Could “pair-bonding” in LE be more for EA than PA reciprocation, particular for people with attachment issues? Not the other way around? (Nonlimerents desire it fairly often)
Dear Mila & ABCD,
This is an intriguing and welcome development. I just took the test myself but was a bit higher 70%, which is about 20% lower than it was the last time I took it, maybe 6 months ago. So this is progress, maybe.
I feel like I was genuinely able to answer ‘agree’ rather than ‘strongly’ agree more often this time. But also that my negative feelings due to limerence have increased a bit, and that these also have had an effect on my answers. So that I am more progressed through the classic limerence stages (more towards the grief end) without being in any way cured of it.
ABCD, I think it would be wonderful if there is LO contact to ‘paddle your own canoe’, as they say, rather than observing and responding to how she is. I tried not to let the LO dictate how I was the last time there was LO contact. I kept it up for one day of F2F and then succumbed i.e. fell deeply under the spell again. I hope that you can be more resolute than I was. Still, that was 6 months ago, maybe I can now be stronger.
Dear Bewitched:
Yes, it would be interesting to see how I hold up during future LO interaction. If she also dials back (as I suspect is what is happening), then its a clear path. However, if there are all warm and fuzzy vibes, that would obviously be more tricky to get a grip on. However, in my case, there is not much contact anyways, so a lot of this is probably just in my head 🙂
I hope and wish that you are more and more resolute in your LO meetings.
Hi Mila. I am glad that your recent contacts helped you in a positive way, way to go.
You are absolutely right, rather than saying that how we feel depends on LO behavior, we need to think that our feelings should not depend on LO behavior – that their behavior is irrelevant. This would be a really great goal to achieve.
Hi ABCD,
it’s easier when LO behaves cold than warm and forthcoming.
I’m “lucky” to have a LO who has to get over himself to say something nice or warm if it’s not in reaction to something I said or wrote. At the moment I‘m honestly glad about it.
Well 47% is definitely progress from the first time I took it upon finding this place. Which was in the 90 percentile. Still wish it was lower but I wanted to answer the questions honestly. I plowed through like 4 questions all in a row that were “strongly disagree” which made me feel good. Because they were all the maddeningly obsessive questions that I ticked “strongly agree” a year ago. The movie/music question still gets me. The only “strongly agree” answer I clicked. That’s probably the last demon to conquer.
Cheers to all that are scoring better. It’s progress. And we should all pat ourselves on the back for it. And a great big thank you to Dr L for this place and all his time and research.
Finally I am able to understand myself.
I am writing to you from Glasgow, Scotland and I want to share that with you because for so many years now I have felt so lonely, confused, angry, anxious, disappointed, dissatisfied, weird … but now that I have come across limerence, I am taking some comfort in knowing that there are more of me all over the world.
The last few years of my life have been destroyed. I came out as being gay when I was 30 years old, and the first guy that I went on one date with literally pulled the rug from beneath my feet. I have never, ever been the same since. Three years later, I am just if not more, even more obsessed, infatuated and anxiously attached to him. Every waking moment of my life includes thoughts about him, both good and bad. My whole life is being controlled by intrusive thoughts. Does or doesn’t he like me? Does or doesn’t he see me as a potential partner? Is he seeing anyone else? Is he having sex? Why has he been offline for 6 hours? Is he okay? I am going crazy. I have never slept with my LO, in fact we have only met up three times, but I am still anxiously, obsessively, intrusively and uncontrollably attached to him. We have actually planned on meeting up over the Summer, but his hot and cold behaviour allows me to think that this most likely won’t happen, but it also feeding the limerence at the same time. I get really depressed by the thoughts of never seeing him again, or getting into a long term relationship with me, but equally I am also depressed by the thought that I live like this for the rest of my life. I cannot go on like this. I am finding it so hard to cut contact. First of all, I need to work on contacting him less, before I even consider cutting out all contact. I also feel incredibly disappointed in myself for getting myself into such a mess. I cannot concentrate at work, I cannot study, sometimes I cannot eat, it is affecting my relationship with other friends and family members. I am also in full time therapy, after having grown up in an incredibly dysfunctional household. I have a father who was, and still is severely depressed and highly anxious. I have a mother who was, and still is highly anxious. I also had cancer when I was at school, and I struggled to come out. My sister is also living with a rare degenerative neurological disorder. My whole life has been chaotic, messy, uncertain, unsure, difficult. And I thought/hoped my LO would be my knight in shining armour, but I think he is also messy, uncertain, unsure himself. Deep down, I am genuienly attracted to my LO. He is handsome, intelligent, cool, interesting, he has stories, he is what I am attracted to. But I am all too consumed in him. And I see no way out. But these thoughts alone make me anxious, as I don’t necessarily want to see a way out … I want to be with him. It makes me sick at the thought of him being with someone else. I am in a very difficult and complex place, and have been for three years, and I cannot go on like this.
I am assured now though that I am not alone. Love to you all.
Hi Gareth,
just want to say welcome! Don’t know if I can help much, but I definitely feel with you and am sure you will find helpful information on this site.
Hi Mila,
Thank you. The information is helpful. I have a long road and process ahead of me. But I am doing it with the support of my therapist, friends and family. I don’t ever want to cut contact with my LO. I just wish I could manage my emotions better.
Hope you are having a lovely day Mila.
Gareth
No Gareth,
you are definitely not alone.
Your “symptoms” are all too familiar. I’m sorry you are struggling. Three years is a long time. There are people here on LwL who have longer stories, believe it or not. As you point out, the key to recovery is cultivating the desire to let go of LO. Easier said than done though, right? If you are not ready for that, you may just need strategies to manage what sounds like a pretty severe case of intrusive thoughts.
Dr L’s emergency deprogramming has worked in getting other through this intrusive thoughts phase. It can be found on the homepage of this site. I think the emergency course is free to use. I never used it as I had already passed through the most severe stage by the time I reached this site/community. Most people don’t stay at that phase forever, limerence seems to progress (curdle?) into something more low-level painful but also more manageable. Though, it has to be said that some effort to control your own thoughts, rumination, reverie, obsessive checking of phone etc is required.
In addition, hopefully by reading and connecting with us here, you will learn to understand (for yourself) what is happening to you, and some strategies for managing through it. It sounds as though your LO is non limerent and non commital. Some of Sammy’s posts may be helpful. He also happens to be a funny guy.
Sending hugs.
Hi Bewitched,
Many thank for your response. It means a lot to me. I’d confidently say the worst part for me is the intrusive thoughts. It leaves me with an almost constant fussy and clouded head. My LO is definitely non limerent and non commital, which in itself is feeding my limerence. I am working at reducing the intrusive thoughts, and working to contact him less. I don’t want to cut out contact, as I am holding onto the glimmer of hope that we meet up during the summer (which he suggested!)
How do I feel about myself? I am physically fit. I can run walk cycle and swim endlessly. I have a fantastic social network, and a great family. I have survived cancer, and I have been to many places in the world, and I will soon qualify as a teacher. So I know I have some strength. But my relationship with my LO makes me feel so unworthy, confused, let down, disappointed, disillusioned, unsure, unwanted, uncertain, weak, poor, unable … I cannot describe it.
Hey Gareth,
Its classic that limerence strikes when we have other struggles. That is what happened to me. Close family members with serious/terminal illnesses. My limerence struck, despite having a wonderful husband.
Looking back, I can see this was my release valve to ruminate/fantasise about something that gave me a lotmof pleasure, initially, and I would actually say that it took me thrpugh some dark times in my life.
“And I see no way out. But these thoughts alone make me anxious, as I don’t necessarily want to see a way out … I want to be with him”
Yeah. I felt this too. Probably still do, most days. Except I have a husband who I want more. Even if there is a massive confusion in my head about holding both thoughts together simultaneously.
Still, maybe you can tell your self that a ‘down ramp’ off this excruciating phase into domething more manageable is a good compromise? The fact is the only way to do that is to force yourself to think less about him, using every distraction tactic you can. Its hard, so hard. But you have trained your brain on him and now need to slowly untrain it. One minute at a time one hour at a time, one day at a time….
By the way, you sound very accomplished. You have a lot to be proud of. His validation of you is a concept that needs to go in the bin.
Sending more hugs.
Hi again Bewitched,
Your responses are great. Personally, I feel like I am coming out again. I have been carrying this weight on my shoulders for years, and now I feel able to discreetly talk about it, albeit on a forum … but still. So thank you for listening.
My LO lives at the other end of the UK from me. But the attachment I feel towards him is so powerful. I have only met him three times, however we are in contact quite a lot. Me in contact with him much more. He suggested we meet up and travel over the holidays during the summer. I am holding onto this with all my strength … it is ridiculous I know. He is non commital, but I am holding onto that tiny glimmer of hope. So sad!
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I haven’t been able to discuss this with anyone else … as I feel embarassed, and I wasn’t sure what was going on myself.
I am happy that I have found this website.
I am also sending you hugs!
Hi Gareth,
This is an embarrassment free zone. What you describe doesnt sound sad at all. It could all work out great this Summer, although being limerent and paired with a non limerent can be tough for both sides. There are lots of blogs about this in the blog archive….
The connected feeling you have is also no indication of your LOs suitability for you. Its a trick of tbe limerent mind, nothing else. True connection takes time and familiarity… , many more blogs are available on this – you’re already reading voraciously I’m sure.
The intrusive thoughts phase of limerence is very distressing. Dr L says that our minds are altered during limerence, particularly in most intense phase, and it sounds you are going through it. The executive brain can see that it is madness to feel and act this way but the limerent brain does as it pleases.
Many therapists dont understand limerence which isnt great if you have other issues that you are having therapy for(anxiety etc).
Gareth, to try to distract myself from my LO today, I am going to bake a cake for my husband. I am breaking my “less dessert” rule that I made in solidarity with Mila, but I will only have a small slice. What are yoy going tondo to distract yourself (it has to be fun)? Just a few minutes of fun, even?
Keep posting and reading Gareth. You will find a lot of support here.
Bewitched,
„Less dessert“ isn’t „no dessert“!
So a slice should be ok especially when you baked it yourself, you have to test the result! (Just maybe don’t eat too much dough while baking as I‘m prone to do🙈)
Haha – yes Mila, or the dreaded “licking the bowl” afterwards. Its chocolate. With icing. Aaagh!!!! I shouldnt have brought it up😬 as i dont want you to ‘fall off the wagon’
The gorilla is out of the cage……