Is it possible to be friends with your LO? You do, after all, enjoy their company. And they really seem to understand you. And you care about their happiness. Surely those are all important aspects of being a friend?
Well, I’m going to take a hard line on this one. No. It is not possible to be an authentic friend to an LO. It is more feasible to be a friend to a former LO, especially if the limerence was discharged through a sexual relationship and so no hint of frustrated romance remains.
To pick this apart a little, we need to think about what friendship is, and how limerence prohibits the only kind that matters.
I’m going to take the Aristotelian view of friendship here, and sort friendships into three categories, on the basis of the benefit that we derive from them. They are: friendships based on Utility, Pleasure and Goodness.
1. Utility
This can be seen as the “lowest” form of friendship, and centres around the fact that you get mutual benefit from the friendship, at a somewhat transactional level. Examples would be the friend that you can always count on to go clubbing with you when you’re in the mood. Or the friend that is also a big fan of [struggles to think of the name of a currently popular band] and so goes to gigs with you. Or the friend who is really good at IT, or goes for lunch with you because your schedules match. Basically, someone whose company is congenial, but who you only really see in a particular context. This kind of social friendship is a good thing, of course, but not very stable. If your interests change (as they tend to do) the friendship will fizzle out.
Now, you could try and be friends with an LO at this level, but you’d be pretty bad at it. They just want you to sort out the concert tickets, but you want to know Everything About Their Soul.
2. Pleasure
This is a level up from the utility friend, and is someone that you actively seek the company of, because you really enjoy it. The friend that you can chat freely with over coffee. The friend that knows your kids’ names, and commiserates with your bad luck, and who makes you feel good by sharing your triumphs. The majority of friendships probably fall into this camp. People you care about, who often have some shared interests and opinions, and who you can rely on to make you laugh, and who are basically on your side.
These are the sort of friends that we spend a lot of time with, but when our opinions or passions change, we start to see less of. When we start getting interested in politics, they tire of our company. When they move away to a new city, we swear we’ll stay in touch, but within a few years even the Christmas cards dry up.
An LO as pleasure friend is a problem, because you’re getting a different quality of pleasure from them than your other friends. They are a drug, and so moderation is tricky. There’s a lack of sincerity about this, because LO wants a coffee and chat, and you want everything. This is the most pernicious category for self-delusion too. “We can just be friends” at this level is an invitation to limbo. You get enough of the dopamine high from their company to keep you craving, but suppress your true feelings for so long that it’s bad for your mental health. You’ll also probably expose yourself to the joy of seeing them partner-up and want to talk about their marvellous new SO. And the SO will see through your pining in a heartbeat. This is not an authentic way to live.
3. Goodness
This is the highest form of friendship, and the Aristotelian ideal. Here, friendship is a proper connection of souls. In Aristotle’s view, true friendship comes from seeking goodness in others, and cultivating it in yourself. Exactly what is meant by “goodness” is a bit elusive, but essentially it signifies moral integrity, personal authenticity and a will to live well. Good friends in this context, seek each others company from a desire to help each other improve as people through mutual respect for one another’s merits. There is generally complete honesty and trust, with the recognition that a betrayal of that trust would be an irrevocable harm to the friendship as it would destroy its foundation. These are the friends that last a lifetime, even through relocations, absences or big changes in life. The great benefit of such a Good friendship is that the other, lesser, forms also come automatically: we tend to gain pleasure and utility from the company of a Good friend, as well as the virtuous uplift of socialising with someone we admire as an individual. To gain the friendship of such a person requires us to live well too.
This kind of friendship requires emotional intimacy. For an LO, even a highly admirable one, this intimacy is likely to heighten the desire for romantic and sexual fulfillment. Where that isn’t an obstacle, then consummation can be added to the friendship, but this person would not be an LO for long; they would become a significant other. For an unavailable LO, this depth of friendship would be near impossible to sustain without the descent into limerent obsession. If the limerent has an SO themselves, that relationship will suffer. A simple way of illuminating this is to think of good friends who are of the opposite gender to your limerent tendencies. A friendship with them is unlikely to destabilise your feelings for SO. A true friend, a good friend, is someone whose time and company you esteem and enjoy, but who does not make you contemplate leaving your SO. It is not realistic that a LO can fulfill that role.
The limerent desire to always drift into deeper intimacy will conflict with the terms of reference for lesser friendships, and lead to personal agony and inauthenticity with a potential good friend. There are many people in the world. We should seek good friends from those that are not LOs.
I don’t even know where to begin asking with questions, but I am thankful for reading this. It gave me the courage to cut of contact with my best friend, my LO, my fantasy, my dream. She doesn’t know why, but even if she did — it more than likely wouldn’t hurt her in the same way it does me. I’ll miss her for the rest of my life — but I understand it’s not even “her” I will be missing …
Thanks for your comment gigi. Losing the company of good people is one of the hardest aspects of limerence in my opinion, but recognising that friendship just isn’t feasible is a really important part of the self-awareness that’s needed to live with it.
Great that you know it isn’t “her” – your fantasies and dreams come from within you, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the right person to help you fulfill them.
This is me. I have a best friend, my soul mate. There is 20 years between us and we are at different stages of our lives and I have become obsessed with everything about him. He wanted to take a strip back from our friendship as we spent so much time together and wanted to go and do things with his friends of similar ages and live that life. Since this conversation I’ve been thrown into Limerace. I crave his attention, worry when he doesn’t read or reply to my messages.. it’s constant and draining. When I’m with him or I know I have a message from him it’s like ecstasy! I’m on a high and my mood is great. If I message him and he doesn’t read after a few hours I feel like I’m in the depths of depression and anxious to the point of not sleeping or eating until I get another glimpse of contact with him. I just want this all to stop
Wow. I could have written this exact comment, Em. I’m right there with you. I’m so fortunate to have even found out about the concept of Limerence as it’s been an eye-opener. We also have a big age gap and he’s wanted to do less with me and more with people in his life stage. While understandable, it was devastating for me at first. Complicating things, we met online during the pandemic and built up a daily cadence of calls with multiple texts in between. For about 9 months we got to know each other and things were headed into a very romantic direction–until we met. The day we met in person, I found out he was actually looking to hook up with others. Basically, I caught him. He repeatedly lied to me and it was clear over a few weeks that he had no interest in me on a romantic basis despite those 9 months of leading me on. Why it took me about 6 weeks of being severely disappointed until I found out about limerence, I have no idea. Anyway, over the past few weeks, just working on the tricks to get rid of limerence have really helped. Haven’t gone NC completely but dialed it way back and I’m not having any of the same feelings of longing. He’s a bit unstable so I plan to just slowly let it dwindle, as I’ve realized I was the one pushing for frequent communication and I think he actually won’t care as long as he’s not rejected outright. Anyway, thank you for sharing and it’s good to know that neither of us are alone in this situation.
Okay, old article, but I’ll leave a comment anyway.
I have a close friend. We love each other, we support one another, and we miss one another when apart for a long time.
Throughout our friendship, on and off, I’ve experienced what might be called limerent feelings for her, but I recognize that I’m not really in love with her and that these intrusive thoughts are not of my own will. I’ve never seen our friendship as a pathway to something more – I’ve only felt, at times, intense sadness that it isn’t something more. I have no hope that we’ll one day be romantic partners. I cannot see it in reality, and more importantly I DO NOT WANT IT. I don’t look at her as an LO – she’s my friend whose wellbeing I care about. We’ve gone through a lot together and have a very positive bond.
There’s just this burden every time I talk to her one-on-one. One voice telling me “She MUST be the love of your life!” and another voice saying, “Leave me alone, let me have this friendship.” She’s had a troubled romantic history (which I’ve witnessed) and I don’t want to be another guy who wants something from her.
I feel like this is something that, if I address it with her, can be better dealt with. I have no expectation of a romantic relationship, I take ownership of my feelings, I respect her feelings as well and the decisions she may make moving forward about what kind of friendship she wants to have, if any, after I tell the truth about what’s going on with me and what I need.
At this point, the limerence is a dead limb that needs to be amputated for the body to heal. Yet you seem to be saying that the so-called LO is the dead limb that needs cutting? Forgive me, but cutting off contact with my friend doesn’t sound like it’ll fix anything. If anything, it sounds like running away.
Hi Mitchell,
Thanks for the comment. It’s true that there is potentially a lot to lose in ending a friendship with a good LO. I’m not trying to suggest that you should cut off LO like a gangrenous limb, or that there is no value in friendship with an LO. My main point is well illustrated by your story: if you choose to try and maintain a friendship with an LO you have to accept that it means a prolonged period of carrying an emotional burden, internal conflict about what you want out of the relationship, and the need to hide a very significant part of your emotional life from LO.
I can understand why someone would choose to make that sacrifice for an LO who was a very important friend. Genuinely. But, I would also urge anyone in this situation to think very deeply about the psychological costs of trying to deny their feelings to preserve a friendship that has become mixed up in a very powerful brew of longing and heartache. Unfortunately, limerence inevitably forces a degree of insincerity into the friendship.
So, on your final point, I agree that disclosing to “amputate the limerence” may be a good strategy. It’s uncertainty that keeps us in limerence purgatory. Really, the choice is how we act to remove that uncertainty: disclose, or go no contact. Either is feasible, but disclosure is less predictable.
Disclosure of feelings is not actually a cure for limerence. I myself have just gotten myself out of a limerent obsession, before I even knew what limerence is.
I disclosed to LO that I had feelings of an unknown nature 11 months ago, and that my feelings for her were indeed love 10 months ago. I spent the last 10 months in a limerent friendship, deluded that my LO would over time feel the same way in return, when she got over the hurt and betrayal of her past relationships.
I did not come to terms with her inability to commit to a relationship until after I went No Contact a month ago for my own mental health.
I sent a message explaining that I wanted something she didn’t want to provide, and that she wanted something I couldn’t sustain any longer. I wanted more, and she was worried that by being more, she was going to lose the closeness of our friendship if it went wrong.
When the breaking point came, I simply messaged her saying ‘You want a brother, I want a girlfriend. I can’t see how this works without either of us getting even more hurt.’
A short conversation basically discussing hurting each other as little as possible later, we weren’t friends any more. I messaged her sister to get her to be there for her, then I said goodbye and though I haven’t really stopped looking backwards, I haven’t stopped myself moving on with my life. I have come close a few times, but my friends kept me from contacting her long enough for me to realise for myself it’s not a good idea.
“Disclosure of feelings is not actually a cure for limerence. I myself have just gotten myself out of a limerent obsession, before I even knew what limerence is.”
I agree that disclosure is not necessarily a cure for limerence, but it can put one on the right path. Certainly with two people who are available, disclosure puts the cards on the table. Of course, there can be collateral damage due to having mutual friends, social media, etc. Now, certain LOs can string someone along after disclosure, because the LO doesn’t want to lose the attention. But an unattached person can move on, in time, to another person.
“I sent a message explaining that I wanted something she didn’t want to provide, and that she wanted something I couldn’t sustain any longer.”
Disclosure between my LO and I sent us into an EA, though we both have families. After she (not clearly) ended the EA, my limerence became quite terrible, as I tried to remain intimate friends with her because my attachment to her was unbreakable and unbearable. Countless wasted hours ruminating and eventually a solid attempt (online) to figure out what was happening to me, and finding this site. We were still quite attached to one another into July. It has since become a situation where she cannot provide me the same access I had to her, which in turn has me concluding that No Contact is the only answer for me. I cannot be “just friends” like anybody else with her. I don’t really “want” this, but I have known for a while that this is what needs to happen.
Maybe drlimerence can write an article about limerence by Generation (baby boomer, millennial, X, etc.)? Though that seems like quite an inexact science. Maybe it’s more about how each Generation, in general, communicates with one another, or just simply a different distribution of LO-types by Generation.
Mitchell,
I completely agree. After reading your story, I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I too have a close friend as a LO, and have learned to logically process the emotions rather than be controlled by them.
I met her over 14 years ago (she was my boss), and after several years of watching guys lose their minds over her, I swore to myself I wouldn’t be like the rest. Fast forward to about 4 years ago, and after watching her go through a few flings and a failed marriage, I finally fell limerent.
I had developed a fondness of her within about 5-6 years of meeting, but her marriage (in yr 6) kept me correct. I didn’t become limerent until after her separation, which led to over a year of us hanging out multiple times a week (dinner, drinks, tv on her couch, etc.).
One day (I can still recall the moment) I finally said to hell with avoiding the feelings, and within 6 months of falling, I confessed to her in detail how I felt. The interesting part is that although I confessed, I never went for it or really requested anything from her (such as a decision). She’s also never told me that I didn’t have a chance, nor rejected me.
Since then, we’ve hung out quite a bit, and have gone on several trips together, including a year ago which was the last time I saw her. That day was actually her birthday, and I woke up in bed with her to a sweet “Good morning”. (Talk about a head rush, yet to this day I’ve never touched nor kissed her.) The following day I moved away.
It’s eerie how closely we’re connected. We message eachother weeks-to-months apart, often exactly as one of us is thinking about the other.
I replied because you are correct. Severing a close, intimate friend is not worth it sometimes, so long as you acknowledge that what you’re feeling is involuntary and logically you can wade through the emotional tides.
I intentionally put myself as close to the fire as possible, to test my resolve. I’ve learned a lot about myself and people, from our friendship.
With her, I know that what I once wanted would never work out. She’s not what I want in a SO. She’s almost 15 years older, and despite our incredible friendship, she isn’t capable of the love that I require in a committed relationship. It took years and logic to see this.
When we sync up and hang out though, it’s still a rush that I can’t compare to anything else. While, at one point it did cause great suffering, now I just feel fortunate to get to experience such a strong emotion that the majority of people will never understand.
Thank you, your comment really helped me. I had tried the NC thing but it didnt work, so I am going to try to rely on logic and time too!
I tried the logic and time for over 2 years with my LO close friend (who I previously had a PA with). It didn’t work, but I would still stay in this friendship, despite its limitations and emotional turmoil for the same reasons limerent-strong mentioned. But being married, I realize its not fair to my SO that I feel this emotional bond to another woman. Going on day 5 of NC. I also don’t think this compromised friendship would work long for someone single who was seeking to develop a meaningful relationship elsewhere.
I’m happy to have found this site and this particular post. I do have a question. But first, my situation.
My limerence has been one of many years. A decade to be precise. At first, it was a simple obsession with someone who didn’t speak my language. This has motivated me to learn that language. I have once quoted to my friend (before I know the term limerence) “The motivation that comes from these attractions are far bigger than ones that I can conjure up myself” I see how sad this is now.
After being able to speak with a mutual language we had a couple of dates. Holding her hands was by far the highlight of my life at that point. But she went quiet and I went into hell. I have told her from the start and she knew as well about my limerance. I left the country and did No Contact for about a year. But she was still on my mind.
After, we slowly went back into a friendship. Myself knowing full well that I was still in limerance, I hoped and tried hard to be just a friend. To my surprise, we did have two sexual evenings after that. But after that, we still were just friends. For the past 3 years since those nights of heavenly pleasure, of tasting the forbidden fruit, we’ve gotten to be close friends. Goodness friends. But my emotions would boil up more often than not and would end up in pain from my side or hers.
Trying hard to keep this LO, who is a good one, who cares for me, got to know me almost better than myself, has coached me and guided me and supported me many many ways, I decided last month to work on my limerence for both our sakes. I told her I needed to No Contact.
My question now is, (although I’m not out of my limerance yet) once I have stepped out of this mindset, oh do I long for the moment I look back and laugh at my obsession, can we be friends? Can we be brother/sister as we were for so long, even though it was hard as hell?
To lose this person from my life feels like, at the moment, a huge loss, a handicap almost.
Many thanks in advance
What do you want out of life? If it works for both of you, go for it. It works for some people but not for others. I have a co-worker who has been in a similar relationship for decades. They’ll never be free of each other but they’ll never seal the deal ever. She married and divorced but their attachment never wavered. There’s a thesis worth of material in their story.
If either of you want something more from life, it’s going to take one very understanding partner to enter into a relationship that will likely always be a triangle. It sounds like there will always be a level of intimacy between you and your LO that might be difficult for another person to accept. People on the third side of the triangle usually don’t like it.
Your LO was a part of your life and you’d like that to continue. That’s legitimate. A potential SO may not like sharing you with another woman on that level. That’s also legitimate. You may find someone who’s ok with it, Just remember to afford her the same courtesy. Would you be comfortable with your SO maintaining that close a relationship with someone she slept with?
Hi Hus Amer,
It is going to be a huge loss. No denying it. The question is whether that sacrifice will allow you to live a more fulfilled and more worthwhile life. Only you can really answer that one.
My observations on the situation you describe: you have disclosed your limerence, you have had a sexual relationship, and you have been in a close friendship with your LO for many years now. Those are all circumstances that could have resolved the limerence, but you are still limerent, and still idealising her, and wanting a full romantic relationship with her. It’s hard to see how you could ever reach the point of not having those feelings for her by carrying on as you are.
Another observation is that this is quite unusual behaviour on her part. Most people are uncomfortable with an asymmetry this big in their friendships. You have been upfront about your feelings, but you say almost nothing about her response. I wonder if that means that she will not express her feelings for you clearly, leaving you in (limerence-reinforcing) uncertainty. Why would she want to keep a love-struck friend so close, without committing to a romantic relationship? What is she getting from this?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself, but the big one is “what do I want from my life?” If you want romantic love and lasting commitment with a partner, then you are much likelier to find that with someone else. And as Sharnhorst points out, that someone else is unlikely to be well disposed to your LO still being in your life.
These are tough decisions, but as I said at the outset of the post, I just don’t think it is possible to be friends with someone that we are actively limerent for. I’m also sceptical that the limerence would ever go away just by waiting and hoping. But the good news is: you get to choose what your future will bring.
I wish you luck, and emotional fortitude!
It’s being about a month now since the last time I tried to win over LO’s reciprocation. Given that she wasn’t giving me signals of interest, in a desperate attempt to stop thinking about her I deleted her phone number from my cell phone, so I wouldn’t be able to text her. But it didn’t help, because soon after this I asked her brother to give me her number. He gave me, but he has since then changed his behaviour completely towards me. He was a true friend, but now he acts very suspcious when I’m around, although trying to treat me friendly the same way as before, but he just can’t help it. His sudden change is very clear. I’ve deleted LO’s number again, but it looks like I’ll never be able to get neither LO nor her brother’s friendship again. This has been veey damaging to my social life, and I don’t know what to do to bring things back to normal as it was before all this madness started happening to me.
I can’t believe there’s almost a year since I wrote the above comment! And I’m still suffering with the same LO as then! No wonder she is in the verge of getting a boyfriend as the evidences are. It’s almost as if time freezes when you are in a LE. I’d really like to bond with this girl, but she looks like to be so above a level that It makes my anxiety to sky rocket every time I think about disclosing my feelings to her. At the same time, she kind of lure me like magic. It’s so though. I need to put an end on this. I might be adicted to being limerent. Too bad.
It’s a shock to be confronted with these moments, isn’t it? I had a similar experience at work today when I caught up with an old colleague who left two years ago, to try and finally finish the last loose ends of an old project.
Time for all of us to take purposeful action!
Ulysses, sounds like you are either following your LO online, or seeing her in person. So not having her phone number may solve means to directly contact her, but does not solve having reminders of your longing for her. Maybe things will be better for you if she becomes unavailable with a new BF. But the safest thing for now would be to try and not have any online or personal contact with her if at all possible.
It might also help to seek someone new in your life to transfer your feelings to (with hopefully a reciprocal and positive outcome).
This is the Woodley Park Metro escalator in Washington, DC. It’s 204 ft long and rises 102 vertical ft (30 degrees). It moves at 90 ft/min (1.5 ft/sec).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHp-DhHDh9Q
If you’re trying to be friends with your LO, you’re trying to run up it.
One thing Ive not seen mentioned in my research is limerence between life long friends. One comment above did mentioned a story similar to my story. I have known my friend for 30 years. We have a strong friendship that is rooted in love, adoration, trust and loyalty. There have never been any romantic feelings expressed in our friendship, until now of course. Limerence hit both of us instantly. We are both “in limerent” with one another. It is a powerful and intoxicating feeling. But, circumstances prevent us from exploring further. She has no idea what is going on and is willing to dive headfirst into these feelings. But, due to circumstances, I know better. But, I was unaware of limerence until doing a little research. I would even go so far to say that a little bit of mine is mixed initially with lust. But once the limerence kicked in, lust fell to the back in priority. Her limerence was fueled, unfortunately, by a divorce she is going through and not having the love and attention that she was missing. The fact that we are friends of 30 years, I think, intensifies the limerence the two of us share. As of right now, we have not consummated our limerence. As much as my mind, heart and body wants to, I will not let it happen because its not the right time. Circumstances and the limerence is what motivates me not to. But boy is it hard as hell. My love (philia) for her is also what motivates me because I know that one day she might regret it, or feel that I took advantage of her. Ive told her to wait til circumstances change and secretly I hope the limerence fades for her so that we can pursue a post limerent relationship and see if it might work. I just dont want to do it under the cloudy glassees of limerence and while shes going through a divorce. In my eyes, shes emotionally compromised and I know now is not the right time. My question I guess is; what is your opinion on limerence between two people who already have a long standing friendship? It seems limerence is usually associated with people who recently met each other.
I am in a situation very similar to your LO @Jason V. We have also been friends for 30 years and our limerence started when I was going through a hugely turbulent time and nearing the end of my marriage. Needless to say it became more turbulent when the limerence started. Initially it was perhaps difficult to separate the divorce from the limerence, but it is still very clear to me I was not happy in my marriage and I am now living a healthier and happier life.
What strikes me about your comment is your resolve to do good for your LO and to want the best for her and your long-term friendship. I think that is a noble, selfless goal. I recognize that in my own LO and in myself too. It could be argued that this is fuelled by limerence, but I am quite sure this is to a large extent also fuelled by friendship, the Good (Aristotle) kind, perhaps both.
I have considered no contact with my LO, but I just don’t see it as an option. I am not prepared to let go of the friendship. Instead I have opted of finding some way to deal with the limerence. Focusing on my own goals and the goals of wanting to be a good friend is hugely helpful.
We are still the same to each other as we were 30 years ago- only perhaps now with more complications and romantic feelings. Both my LO and I do not have many close friends, and I am super proud that he belongs to the Good (Aristotle) category. He inspires me to do good, and I want him to do good. Pride plays a huge part in my feelings for my LO.
I have had two other LOs in my life, both of these were not long-term friendships and so when I look back at them now I can no longer imagine what I saw in these people. They also happened when I was married. Both spelled disaster. There is one big difference between these two episodes and my current LO. We have a much stronger bond that goes back decades. I will not deny that this bond fuels the limerence, in fact it is probably the most important, but our friendship is and always has been rooted in respect, admiration for each other, support and a good dose of fun and laughter. When I read Aristotle’s definition of ‘Goodness’ friendship, that pretty much sums up our bond.
I’m quite convinced my relationship with my LO is more complicated than an infatuation. If the limerence stops, will all these feelings disappear? Perhaps they will fade to the background and be less intense, but will their make-up change when some of the feelings of our close friendship have been the same for 30 years?
I am single now after a 23 year marriage. I would like to be in a loving relationship, I am not in any rush but I do sometimes wonder whether that will happen for me if I am in limerence ( as I have been for two years now) with someone who is not available. When it becomes particularly painful is when I am reminded my LO might have the kind of intimacy with his wife I crave and have missed and I am excluded from his life with his daughter (who is his life and his purpose). But at these times my resolve steps in and I want to be the Good friend to him and support him in his situation. I suppose that could be seen as one of my noble friendship goals, some might say it is just plain stupid. Similarly, If he or I want to be less intimate, cool off or does not seek contact for a while, I imagine there is a mutual understanding, based on our strong friendship, that we are doing that for the greater good. As I am writing this, I know this is signing myself up for a big deal of pain in my life and perhaps denying myself the opportunity of opening up to being in love with someone else. But I still am at the stage where I feel that is preferable than losing our friendship altogether. Our friendship saw me through some pretty tough times, too.
Although hard and sometimes impossible, I have decided to focus on my own behaviour. That means I am super aware of what makes me weak and vigilant or what triggers rumination. Being aware of my own thoughts is helpful. Meditation has been helpful. This website and reading of people with a similar plight has certainly been useful!
I have stopped expecting any reciprocity from my LO or creating situations where I subconsciously hope for it. I avoid situations where I could potentially be disappointed. We have limited our contact to just phone calls and I resist temptation to reach out to him via messaging. I redirect my energies to something I feel deserves my attention such as supporting or spending time with my children or work. If he reaches out to me, wants to see or talk to me, believe me I am there in a flash, I am not strong enough to resist that. I have also resolved to stop questioning his behaviour or guessing about his feelings and actions. It’s beyond my control. Also, I don’t want to subject our friendship to that. I want to assume the best intentions, like best friends do. To protect myself from unnecessary pain I do sometimes avoid seeing pictures on Facebook of his family holidays. I certainly stop myself from looking for it. All of the above actions give me a sense of being in control, have purpose, respecting myself, him and at the same time keeping him as close as I possibly can.
The type of friendship we have also takes away a lot of uncertainty that perhaps characterizes other LAs. I know him, not because I think I do, I think I really do. The same goes for him, I know he knows me too. I know I am in the same category of friendship for my LO. That is one certainty I have. I know he is fighting similar demons. But that is something I have also resolved to stop ruminating about.
I thought being a friend with LO was much better than nothing, but of course it wasn’t all I wanted. I wasn’t honest, I hid my true romantic feelings in his presence, “playing it cool” so as not to alarm him or endanger the “friendship”. He knew of my feelings but since I was behaving myself and not asking for more than he wanted to give, he just relished this arrangment.
It was so great for him, and I thought it was great for me too (so many perks!) but at the end of the day I was destroying my self esteem and dignity and when I finally went NC I had a huge mess to clean up and for a time all happiness was completely drained out of me, and I didn’t know if it would ever return. I will never let myself be limerent again.
Don’t kid yourself, a limerent episode with someone who does not have any romantic interest is going to take a heavy toll on you. It’s an unhealthy imbalance of power and no matter how noble you think you are, you are not being transparent or honest and so it’s not a real authentic friendship.
I feel so cruel telling you this, but I am hoping to save you from lingering with the game that is going on in your head, one that you can never win.
Every day you stay in this friendship, more damage is occuring deep within you.
I know this from painful bitter experience!
“Don’t kid yourself, a limerent episode with someone who does not have any romantic interest is going to take a heavy toll on you. It’s an unhealthy imbalance of power and no matter how noble you think you are, you are not being transparent or honest and so it’s not a real authentic friendship.”
@Jaideux. Thank you for your candour here. I wish I had someone tell me something like this many years ago. I think it would have been helpful to “know the facts” at any rate. 😛
You’re welcome Sammy! It all seems like harmless fun … but often it’s a dangerous and toxic and poisonous game…with long term effects that can take years to recover from. One can become a limerence long-hauler!
I think if I knew then what I know now I may have been able to end past LE’s years earlier than I did. But no point in looking back, only forward, fully armed and cognitively intact!!!
And…one does eventually heal 🙂
“I thought being a friend with LO was much better than nothing, but of course it wasn’t all I wanted. I wasn’t honest, I hid my true romantic feelings in his presence, “playing it cool” so as not to alarm him or endanger the “friendship”. He knew of my feelings but since I was behaving myself and not asking for more than he wanted to give, he just relished this arrangment.”
@Jaideux. What you say at the start of your comment is brilliant too. I’ve engaged in the same kinds of rationalisations.
After a year of limbo, I cut contact with my LO. Didn’t give notice. It was after one of our deep, sharing conversations. The joy/pain was something I could no longer take. He reached out a few weeks later and I told him we could not be friends.
I told him that every contact was painful. I didn’t know what Limerence was then. I thought that after our relationship, brief though it was, was over, that I could take it down to that level of friendship. I thought that my feelings would fade. I knew that staying in touch with him was unhealthy. I could barely focus at work. I was dating men but I didn’t care about them. I could barely think about the most important people in my life, my adult children.
I had tried to be there for him. I tried to be a good friend. I listened to him and supported him through a few rough times.
But I was always going to want more.
I broke no contact when the pandemic was getting worse. I can’t tell you how incredibly happy I was to be in touch with him. But the intensity of my feelings grew worse. I went no contact again. The sorrow that followed was worse than the first time. Sometimes I think about him in the middle of the day and start to cry. I can’t be his friend. I can never be his friend.
“I told him that every contact was painful.”
“I can’t be his friend. I can never be his friend.”
@Beth. Kudos to you for being honest. I think, if every interaction with someone is bringing us pain, then that surely is a sign that it’s not really a friendship we’re hoping to enjoy with them.
Reading this article again and again. We became secret friends over the years, never introduced each other to our SOs. Cant pretend its nothing its been 6 years nearly , we text every day during lockdown to replace our meetings. I need to stop pretending hes just a friend. I care for him in a different way than a friend. Do we both pretend? Am i the only fool in the story. We stopped contact (nc) for nearly 2 yrs in between when i had a kid. Hes expecting now . Im the first one he tells, im a lost and messed up woman. I need to run away again for my sanity and happiness. The truth is i would never agree to a romantic relationship with him so im uselessly pretending to be his close friend. It sucks and its fake
Sara,
Totally get this. My LE was really different to yours, but there were really similar feelings:
1) this isn’t something I actively want to deepen/develop, so what exactly am I chasing? (Apart from how good LOs reciprocation felt, and the nice times we shared which did feel special).
2) am I the only one feeling this? Hard to know in reality. I once chatted to an LO I’d been ruminating over for ages. He phoned me to discuss meeting after some separation. He said that he hadn’t thought about ‘us’ for ages, then recently a couple of things triggered him, so he had phoned. I honestly believe that… and no, of course I didn’t confess that I’d been thinking about him every day, and most of the day for many of those, missing him. I probably just gave an affected, cheery ‘well it’s nice to hear from you again!’
We can never know what LO is feeling without their honest, trusted account… and how brave are you feeling to ask?
In the end it has no bearing on the future as it sounds like you are confident where your commitment lies.
You are right to end your friendship (limerent obsession) with this man. It isn’t offering you what you want, and it makes you feel hopeless and lost. Run away. Do it..!
But stick around here as you do it because No Contact can be hard. I suck at it! (Lots of excellent articles here though…)
All good wishes,
What I get out of this article and the comment section is that we can’t “just be friends” with an LO because our unconscious mind wants LO as a partner. And if we do pursue friendship, even in good faith, our unconscious mind will sabotage us by ensuring we fall deeper and deeper into infatuation. It’s a no-win situation…
My current LO is a friend. I really like her a lot as a human being. I enjoy hanging out with her, and I am pretty sure she enjoys my company too. But I’m married, and she has been playing games with me to a certain extent, expecting me to hang out with her one-on-one to be her wingman while she hits on guys (she seems really focused on meeting men and dating at the moment, so much so that she complains if we go to a bar where there aren’t enough quality men for her to meet — despite her having plenty success with online dating). I think she has an idea how I feel about her, but she probably isn’t aware of the true depths of my feelings. My marriage is kind of on the rocks, and my LO is aware of that. I am not sure what she wants from me, but I assume she enjoys the attention. Now she is focused on rubbing my nose in the fact she is dating other men and telling me ad nauseum how much she is into guys who are the total opposite of me. She doesn’t want me, but she did seem a bit jealous at one time when I mentioned how attractive another woman was. She also seems particularly angry and frustrated at my wife on my behalf. I think there was a bit of a spark at one time, despite me not really being her type (she had flirted with me in the past, although it was cloaked in plausible deniability), and I do think she wants to make me jealous on some level, yet I think she has somehow moved on.
Dropping her as a friend completely and going hard no contact seems very difficult, especially given how we have mutual friends. If I lose her as a friend, I lose that entire crowd of friends (who are basically the only people who want to hang out with me these days). The weird thing is that our mutual male friend seems to feel exactly the same way about her. The two of us used to fawn all over her and tell her how beautiful and fantastic she is, etc. — and I think she really enjoyed it — but I for one have decided that I no longer want to kiss her ass or beg her to spend time with me. I also have no wish to be her wingman or have her treat me like chopped liver while she hits on other guys. I know I am not available to this woman. Despite the deep problems in my marriage, I would never cheat on my wife. I have no wish to stop her dating other men, and if she had asked my advice a few months ago (before she started dating again), I would have told her she should be dating, but at the same time I have no wish to hear her brag about her conquests (which she does) or watch her try to pick up other men. It’s one thing to know it is happening, but I think I am within my rights not to want to be part of it or hear any of the gory details of her dating life.
In no way am I slut-shaming this woman. I still think really highly of her. If my marriage ended, I would still LOVE a chance to be with her, and I wouldn’t hold her past against her. But for now, I am married and I am not in the game at all. I have to continually remind myself of that. I am off limits even if she was totally into me (although I suspect she isn’t).
I suppose this is a roundabout way of saying how I am grudgingly starting to accept the truth of this post. I think I can still be a friend to her, but perhaps not an authentic friend — at least not while I am limerent for her. The feelings have subsided slightly over the past few weeks. We are also kind of in lockdown at the moment, so I will be forced into no contact for a while. That will help me to a certain extent. I also unfollowed her on Facebook for a couple of weeks, although I capitulated and followed her again. I try not to be a sycophant these days to her, either in person or online. While I plan on hanging out with her and that crowd again, I definitely need to make some new friends once something resembling normal life resumes (and try to work on my marriage too). I am at least not willing to be a doormat to her. I think where no contact is impossible or impractical, at least low(er) contact and a focus on self-respect and self-esteem are important. Thinking logically and being brutally honest with oneself about the situation are incredibly important as well.
Vicarious,
Unless she approaches men herself, bringing another man as a wingman is an ineffective strategy. Most guys will assume the wingman is her date and not approach. Does she have no female friends? I used to bring my gay male best friend when I would go out cruising because he was good at approaching and talking to people, but he would immediately introduce me as his sister. She is c**kblocking herself by bringing another man.
@Marcia: Thanks for your comment. I thought that too: If I am out with my LO, wouldn’t other guys assume we are together? In truth, I have not actually seen her approach other guys, but she mentioned it several times as something she would like to be able to do. What am I supposed to do, go up to a guy and say, “You know, my friend really likes you.” We have not went out one-one-one. Every time we go out, it’s part of a group of three or more, but the last couple of times we went out, she was almost promoting the idea of just the two of us going out. I explained that my wife is jealous of her and wouldn’t approve of that, and she got angry, mentioning how our friendship is “totally platonic.” She mentioned that several times. A couple of people on the private forum thought that was her friend zoning me forever, and that she would not have said that if she wanted to keep the possibility of us being together open if my wife and I ever should go our separate ways. You are right about her not having many female friends. Most of her friends seem to be guys, and a lot of them seem to be part of her fan club. I still like her a whole lot, but I am not going to stroke her ego anymore. I still believe she is trying to make me feel jealous — or she is totally clueless and I am so firmly in the friend zone that she doesn’t even consider the possibility I would be interested in her.
Various,
Sorry. I misunderstood you. I thought you were hanging out one-one-one. The older I get, the more I see that people are really easy to read if we just sit back and watch what they do. I spent so much time trying to figure out what the guy was thinking or what he meant we said certain things. For example, maybe after three months of dating, he was still only contacting me once a week and seeing me once a week. And we hadn’t talked about being exclusive or in a relationship. So I broached the topic, had the uncomfortable “determine the relationship” talk. And that was a waste of time. His behavior had told me everything. Sorry if this is a bit broad of an answer, but think this is true of all relationships.
@ Marcia: I agree that people can be pretty transparent if we truly analyze their words and actions, but I still haven’t figured out this lady. She is difficult to read. I know she likes me as a friend, but I think she is somehow a little annoyed with me at the moment. Someone on the private forum made a comment that we cannot possibly know our LO’s thoughts and true feelings, and we can drive ourselves nuts trying to figure them out, so for that reason we should settle on a narrative that explains our LO’s behaviour and stick with that. My best guess is I’m not her usual type, but there was a bit of a spark on her part at one time. However, I think she has moved on from that. Still, she enjoyed the attention and kind of enjoys making me feel a bit jealous. I believe she enjoys the attention of lots of men and likes to surround herself with guys who will compliment her and fawn all over her. The funny thing is when I first met her, she seemed a little unsure of herself and she was scared of getting hurt after her divorce several years back. But her ego has swelled in recent months. Frankly, I miss the old LO #2 from about six months ago, but I don’t think that person is ever coming back. Still, good for her that she is now finding some happiness and fun in her dating life, and she has developed more self-confidence and the self-awareness to know men find her hot, fun and exciting.
Vicarious,
All you can do is take what she says at face value. I was once in a friends-with-benefits situation and the guy point-blank told me he didn’t want a relationship. Now, he would invite me to do things with him that I knew were important to him, and that confused me, but that didn’t change the fact the he told me he didn’t want a relationship. He was very clear about how he felt about me.
Good reminder for me as after nearly a week (haha I know) of NO I keep thinking: I’ve got this, it’s not as bad as past times & I can contact him to be “just friends” as I care so much about him & want to know how he is Blabla. I did tell him/disclosed why no contact for a while (open relationship friend with benefits) and there was no sign for reciprocation from his side apart from still wanting to be friends with benefits. I would hope a friendship will eventually be possible. Until then I’m so proud of myself for NO!!
Thanks for this page, a life saver 🙂
Hello All. This site helps me sort out how I feel and how to cope. I know I need to change the way I feel about LO, and consider his interest but lack of time.
We are both single and in need of a human touch.
LO started when he went out of his way to leave his phone number. He asked would I go out with him, and wrote, “I clean up nicely”. We texted all happy. I was in the North and getting “hooked” on him.
Pandemic was running rampant! I had no life but texting LO for a year. Text went from friends to lovers to porn and back around again talking as friends.
Returned South, where he is in my neighborhood every day. He texts interest. While on his job, I can manage to meet and request a hug and kiss. He readily complies. He and I agree to want more, but work schedule takes up his day and nights. Leaving 5 hours to sleep.
I have the text book description of Limerence; can’t begin to think NC, ever…..
I want a face to face and body to body. I kid myself into thinking that will solve my Obsession. Guess, I’ll continue to cope until I can’t.
I’m not sure I agree entirely. But at the same time, I think navigating a friendship with an LO requires a LOT of self-awareness and support.
You CAN turn Limerance into Love. I know this can be done. And it can really only be done through MINDFUL relational connection. As they say, we create wounds in relationship and we heal wounds in relationship.
The reality is, in my case, I have a pattern of:
1) Cutting and running from LOs cold turkey (Favorite line: “I will always be your friend, but I can never just be friends”)
2) Luring LOs into connection and exploiting in real time their messed up behaviors that crashes the connection into a ball of fire
These are also unhealthy strategies, I think.
Recently, I chose to do something entirely different. To find healing in the triggers. To recognize the triggers.
I want a life partner and pattern-traumas make this hard. Cutting and running doesn’t work. Blowing up doesn’t work. So rather than removing myself from the discomfort, I’m learning to lean in and self-soothe – to see what I learn.
Right now I’m currently working on alchemizing an LO into a friendship. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s hard as hell. But it is an opportunity to try something different than previous patterns.
We went out on a handful of dates previously and the connection was palpable. So much so, I knew not to kiss or have sex with this person. Because, let’s face it, chemistry is not compatibility. I made the decision to step away and do some self-healing for several months. When I came back into connection with the intention of friendship (Although my romantic feelings had not been absolved), I returned to learn he was exclusively dating another woman.
Fast forward a month later – the sexual tension between us is still insane. However, rather than being trapped in old patterns of fantasy and what-ifs, this brewing friendship has given me an opportunity to really, really, really practice healthy tools that will hopefully mature and heal parts of myself and potentially parts of himself too.
I am able to name outloud, in real time, in front of him, when he’s being confusing. Or when the only time he ever mentioned his girlfriend was in a negative context but largely never ever brings her up between us. Or how ungrounded and confusing I feel because he is also confused and ungrounded. Or naming out loud his fear of commitment and why I sensed it, essentially refusing to go further with our physical connection. How his fears and what he’s doing might be unfair to his girlfriend and myself.
He’s not a bad human. He’s just very, very hurt. And hurt people hurt other people.
Being able to literally engage with this person and together decipher what is projection, what is real connection, what is true and what isn’t has been defining. We talk about projections, the fog of chemistry, sexual tension and differentiating compatibility from chemistry often to suss out what our trauma patterns are so we can stop perpetuating.
It is only through our engagement that I am meeting unconscious triggers and pains I have largely ignored or pretended isn’t there. I recognize I need to create more space, I need to learn to sit with discomfort, I need to stop overfunctioning. I am learning how to disconnect my attraction towards unavailability while being present with an unavailable man.
I honestly would not have arrived at this understanding alone. He hasn’t confronted me about any of this, but rather his unconscious (and conscious) actions and behaviors generate me to step back and feel ‘Oh this needs to shift.’ Whereas, with loving vulnerability, I call him out on his integrity. Whether or not he listens doesn’t matter – what matters is someone called him out and he can’t feign ignorance if he hurts someone.
There may come a time when one of us says ‘Okay. I have to walk away from this.’ Which is fair. No one likes to be called out on their shit. But right now, we are willing to untangle our messes with mutual respect. One of the most challenging pieces I did was to compliment and send loving words about his girlfriend, whom he still doesn’t really talk about. That was hard because I HAD to shatter another projected fantasy.
I am not advising EVERYONE try to do this. I myself have an incredible support system that has helped me through this: a beautiful sisterhood who calls me out on blindspots when I entertain LO’s company, wonderful therapists and a background of deep self-awareness and embodied practices.
What I am saying is that you can be friends. But first and foremost you have to have the tools to make it happen and you have to be transparent enough to call things out in real time with strong boundaries so lines don’t get crossed.
Do I struggle? Of course. Are there times when I swim in previous patterns? Yes. But am I working hard to transform old limerance patterns into true liberated love, where I can look at that other human and say ‘I support you no matter what path you choose and as long as I’m not sacrificing integral parts of myself to support you.’
Its hard. But I am hell bent on doing it.
Because if its not him, I will just turn someone else into an LO. So rather than repeat this pattern, let’s transform the damn thing.
I’ve been re-reading Lucy’s “5 Reasons to Never Befriend Someone You Love: The Golden Rule of Infatuation” on Paired Life, which is one of my favourite articles regarding limerence.
I found the following lines very hard-hitting but true:
“In fact, nothing about this connection is a friendship.”
“Choosing to befriend/remain friends with someone you have deep feelings for, you are selfishly dragging them into a rather artificial, unhealthy connection.”
“We should not be strongly attracted to our friends.”
“… you aren’t actually interested in connecting with them platonically and would hate to see them happily in a relationship. This is because a platonic friendship doesn’t entail physical attraction or romantic feelings.”
I’m very interested in the modern cultural phenomenon of bromance, often seen between attractive straight men on TV. But I see that a true bromance wouldn’t be limerence in disguise. One party can’t be secretly pining after the other…
I think a real bromance is two men, usually two straight men, camping it up, usually for the benefit of an audience. This audience is usually female – a small group of females who are enchanted by the cutesy-poo display of closeness between the two males. I think the two males are interested romantically in women/the women. However, their chemistry with each other is a way of saying: “Look at us, ladies. We’re such great catches we don’t have to compete with each other for attention. Rather, we cooperate with each other for attention.”
It’s a very clever mating strategy – making oneself conspicuous to the available females in your milieu by doubling up with another attractive person of the same sex. Also, women will likely feel less threatened, individually or collectively, if encountering said phenomena. I mean, who doesn’t love a free comedy show?
I think bromance is advertising one’s mating fitness through charm and smarts and wit and niceness rather than through power/dominance. By empowering another man socially and emotionally, etc, Mr Bromance is demonstrating what an evolutionarily fit specimen he is. I.e. “I’m so great I don’t feel threatened by other men. I can give other men a leg up.” And, sincere or not, if I was a woman, I think I’d eat the display up. I’d be impressed by this kind of advertising. It would be a refreshing change from Neanderthal-like displays of dominance.
I think there’s no real passion or intensity behind the behaviour of the lads in the bromance, however, and that’s what makes it so much fun to witness and to partake in. Everybody involved understands that this is a performance with a pro-social goal in mind. (The pro-social goal is that both lads hopefully end up with an enthusiastic female partner who appreciates a certain kind of humour. Also, the female lands a male who understands life is a social enterprise and that getting along with one’s fellow tribesmen is essential to survival).
It’s better for a man to be a lover than a fighter, in other words. However, if a man is a fighter, he should be a play-fighter in relationships. If a man is capable of being a play-lover with other men socially, a bromantic through-and-through, then he’s also capable of being a play-fighter socially. The bottom line is women/men/society want a man who is in control of his impulses, a man who is so strong he can play around with his own strength, a man who has vivid and intact emotions and yet who is not consumed/overwhelmed by those emotions.
Effortless self-control I think is the essence of social masculinity, and it’s a very, very attractive ideal to me. This is not, however, the essence of biological masculinity, which is far more uncouth and selfish and greedy and aggressive. A man’s social masculinity and a man’s biological masculinity will always be in conflict, until he learns to master and subordinate his biological masculinity.
Bromance is just a sophisticated take on having a wingman – a friend who can shine the spotlight on you and highlight all your best qualities. But the wingman is impressive enough in his own right that the praises he sings ring true.
Limerence, on the other hand, as Lucy points out, seems to involve misery – a yearning for another person that produces misery when it goes unrequited. It seems to be a solitary activity. It seems to involve a lot of negative emotions.
When I look back over my life, I think I’ve really dropped the friendship ball. I thought I was good at friendship. But maybe I’ve just mixed up friendship and limerence time and time again? Friendship seems to be helping someone else achieve their goal, and that goal may be a happy relationship with someone who isn’t me. I can’t be a good “bro” if I secretly want my “bro” to fail at love…
Merry Christmas, everyone! 😛
I always enjoy reading your takes. Super interesting and make me think about things differently. Merry xmas Sammy and fellow limerents! =]
Not sure if I should even post here or how anonymous this really is. But at the same time I’d like to put this out in the open and just… share.
Over the last couple of days I’ve found out that I’m Limerant for a very close friend of mine and that I’ve probably been that way for some months now. I’ve known her for quite some years and a few years ago I heard from mutual friends that she actually thought about me as a potential partner but due to reasons was unavailable to pursue those feelings. At the same time I noticed I very much enjoyed spending time with her and it was only when friends started commenting about how we acted around eachother that I noticed that maybe I was developing romantic feelings for her. It was very clear though that she was unavailable at the time so we stayed friends, never spoke of potential romantic interest in eachother, and grew really close over the years and our relationship developed into a really good friendship even though we didn’t see eachother that often.
A year and a half ago I was having some mental health issues and I confided in her about that. That was when we started seeing eachother more often. At first just once per month then on average once every two weeks. Now there are times we see eachother almost every week. Also the duration of time spent has increased as well. Sometimes our ‘get togethers’ started to feel like dates. Going from one activity to the next until it was time to say our goodbyes. It was then that I started doubting my feelings for her; as well as her potential feelings for me. And I have been in this… limbo or ‘nowhere’ for some months now.
Sometimes I think I’m experiencing romantic feelings for her. I want to spend more and more time with her and I’m really looking forward to when I get to see her. I’m feeling safe and comfortable with her and I do believe we share a deep emotional bond. Sometimes I do feel like I’d want to get closer physically as well. But at the same time I’m not experiencing those butterflies feelings, I’m not incredibly nervous when I’m with her, and whatever it is I’m feeling it certainly doesn’t make me happy. I mean: mostly I’m happy and I feel great when we’re together, but when we’re not together and my mind just starts racing… I hate that.
I’m not really sure how I want to go forward. I definately don’t want to lose her and our friendship. She’s really important to me. I also don’t want to share these feelings with her because I’m afraid that would ruin everything. I also don’t want to go NC but I also don’t know how to fix this. This is really tough to deal with. I’m telling myself that if I just put enough trust in our relationship and in her and actually feel that trust that I can work through this. I’m becoming more and more a part of her life and sometimes I even think that wherever our friendship goes next that it will be allright. In fact, just recently I felt like that in the future this friendship could grow into a soulmate like one (if it isn’t already) of maybe we could even become more like brother and sister to eachother. It’s just that there’s always that lingering feeling that in the future there’s a small chance at this turning romantic. But at the same time I feel like I don’t even WANT a relationship with her and we’re probably not even compatible that way. I just want her as a friend so whatever it is I’m feeling is nonsense anyway. Why is it so hard to just stop feeling this way?
When I found out about limerence I realised that I’ve never actually been in love in my life. I’ve had feelings for others, sure, but it was always this obsessive and intrusive yearning. Parading around the periphery of love, but not actually being in love. That was a difficult realisation as well. I know I’m having some more issues with attachment and anxiety and insecurities so at least I know why I have the tendency for limerence. But at the same time it just really sucks ’cause I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to fix this and if I will ever experience actual love. I don’t want it to be too late for me.
For this current LE: I think I understand that I feel this way because of other issues, other things I lack in my life right now, and these feelings for her act as an unhealthy substitute for that. So I know it’s not real and it’s not love and she very likely doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me. And I know that’s okay. I’ve had a different LO in the past and our relationship has grown and has become an incredibly valuable friendship. I hope I can reach that point with current LO as well. I really don’t want to lose her and I don’t want to be a hindrance for her to be happy.
Limerence is being in love. Its not loving someone. Its an extreme version of being in love. Loads of people go through low-level limerence, but they don’t notice it too much and they are not too negatively affected by it. A lot of them use this basic trick though. They fall in love after they’ve started a relationship. Much less risk.
We limerence sufferers, often fall in love before a relationship (maybe because of barriers) or in the dating stage of a relationship. We’ve got good imaginations, and we can take them forwards in our heads, when it not in front of us, and uh we go a little too far a little too fast and we get into limerence, and our thoughts overtake us.
Basically what I am saying don’t feel that you’ve never fallen in love. You have. You’ve loved, you’ve lost. You tried. You’ve experienced the yearning of falling in love, thats what it is. You are not missing out, your loving is just early to the party.
I loved a girl but I am not even her friend but I need her so what should I do
Try rehearsing romantic scenes from Shakespeare with an handsome LO over and over again for three years, and spending hours quietly applying their stage make-up. My poor brain will never recover it seems. I need my clear thinking and happiness back though. I’m so tired of this later stage limerent suffering… just miserable
Ah help, I made a huge mistake in thinking I could be and stay friends with my LO. I am older than him and started off more like his “mentor”. Slept with him once 3 years ago after he made a move on me. I wasnt infatuated or limerent until after intimacy. Then again 7 months later -regretably as still was intimate even after he said he was in love with another woman ( his age) and wanted to try out relationship with her. He even went to her a week after me. Still even then I fooled myself into being his friend still and wanted to let go of the attachment. Now staying friends after 3 years. He has been in and out of 2 relationships since.
Lots of long phone chats and seeing him now and again. My feelings being all along intense and hidden and depressed and down. I introduced him to so many things he’s taken on and improved his life. The biggest regret is me inviting him to an friends weekend where he meets lots of my closest lovely friends I feel safe with. What was I thinking. They all like him; even one of my own younger close friends appears to have taken a liking to him and I can see they both have a special connection and it kills me. I see her flirt with him and they hugged lots. I feel weak and my self esteem so low. I thought by inviting him to my friends gathering would help the linerence. But not. I’ve come away feeling worse. Don’t know what to do but sit with this pain. Too ashamed to admit to my friends-they see him as a nice friend I brought along.
I have read that when we are limerent, we project our feelings, emotions, beliefs and values onto the limerent object. I have also read that this projection is different to love. In this false love, we are seeking to complete ourselves by learning from the LO about something we are missing in our lives so as to feel complete. I presume this is intimacy.
My LO is not available due to being forty years younger than me. We have a meal twice a week for two hours. He has no one else in his life at all. I don’t feel this type of fond affectionate intimacy from the two other people in my life I am close to. I do feel embarrassment at my feelings and at the same time defiance.
I think our relationship will morph into a good friendship.