Is it possible to be friends with your LO? You do, after all, enjoy their company. And they really seem to understand you. And you care about their happiness. Surely those are all important aspects of being a friend?
Well, I’m going to take a hard line on this one. No. It is not possible to be an authentic friend to an LO. It is more feasible to be a friend to a former LO, especially if the limerence was discharged through a sexual relationship and so no hint of frustrated romance remains.
To pick this apart a little, we need to think about what friendship is, and how limerence prohibits the only kind that matters.
I’m going to take the Aristotelian view of friendship here, and sort friendships into three categories, on the basis of the benefit that we derive from them. They are: friendships based on Utility, Pleasure and Goodness.
1. Utility
This can be seen as the “lowest” form of friendship, and centres around the fact that you get mutual benefit from the friendship, at a somewhat transactional level. Examples would be the friend that you can always count on to go clubbing with you when you’re in the mood. Or the friend that is also a big fan of [struggles to think of the name of a currently popular band] and so goes to gigs with you. Or the friend who is really good at IT, or goes for lunch with you because your schedules match. Basically, someone whose company is congenial, but who you only really see in a particular context. This kind of social friendship is a good thing, of course, but not very stable. If your interests change (as they tend to do) the friendship will fizzle out.
Now, you could try and be friends with an LO at this level, but you’d be pretty bad at it. They just want you to sort out the concert tickets, but you want to know Everything About Their Soul.
2. Pleasure
This is a level up from the utility friend, and is someone that you actively seek the company of, because you really enjoy it. The friend that you can chat freely with over coffee. The friend that knows your kids’ names, and commiserates with your bad luck, and who makes you feel good by sharing your triumphs. The majority of friendships probably fall into this camp. People you care about, who often have some shared interests and opinions, and who you can rely on to make you laugh, and who are basically on your side.
These are the sort of friends that we spend a lot of time with, but when our opinions or passions change, we start to see less of. When we start getting interested in politics, they tire of our company. When they move away to a new city, we swear we’ll stay in touch, but within a few years even the Christmas cards dry up.
An LO as pleasure friend is a problem, because you’re getting a different quality of pleasure from them than your other friends. They are a drug, and so moderation is tricky. There’s a lack of sincerity about this, because LO wants a coffee and chat, and you want everything. This is the most pernicious category for self-delusion too. “We can just be friends” at this level is an invitation to limbo. You get enough of the dopamine high from their company to keep you craving, but suppress your true feelings for so long that it’s bad for your mental health. You’ll also probably expose yourself to the joy of seeing them partner-up and want to talk about their marvellous new SO. And the SO will see through your pining in a heartbeat. This is not an authentic way to live.
3. Goodness
This is the highest form of friendship, and the Aristotelian ideal. Here, friendship is a proper connection of souls. In Aristotle’s view, true friendship comes from seeking goodness in others, and cultivating it in yourself. Exactly what is meant by “goodness” is a bit elusive, but essentially it signifies moral integrity, personal authenticity and a will to live well. Good friends in this context, seek each others company from a desire to help each other improve as people through mutual respect for one another’s merits. There is generally complete honesty and trust, with the recognition that a betrayal of that trust would be an irrevocable harm to the friendship as it would destroy its foundation. These are the friends that last a lifetime, even through relocations, absences or big changes in life. The great benefit of such a Good friendship is that the other, lesser, forms also come automatically: we tend to gain pleasure and utility from the company of a Good friend, as well as the virtuous uplift of socialising with someone we admire as an individual. To gain the friendship of such a person requires us to live well too.
This kind of friendship requires emotional intimacy. For an LO, even a highly admirable one, this intimacy is likely to heighten the desire for romantic and sexual fulfillment. Where that isn’t an obstacle, then consummation can be added to the friendship, but this person would not be an LO for long; they would become a significant other. For an unavailable LO, this depth of friendship would be near impossible to sustain without the descent into limerent obsession. If the limerent has an SO themselves, that relationship will suffer. A simple way of illuminating this is to think of good friends who are of the opposite gender to your limerent tendencies. A friendship with them is unlikely to destabilise your feelings for SO. A true friend, a good friend, is someone whose time and company you esteem and enjoy, but who does not make you contemplate leaving your SO. It is not realistic that a LO can fulfill that role.
The limerent desire to always drift into deeper intimacy will conflict with the terms of reference for lesser friendships, and lead to personal agony and inauthenticity with a potential good friend. There are many people in the world. We should seek good friends from those that are not LOs.
I don’t even know where to begin asking with questions, but I am thankful for reading this. It gave me the courage to cut of contact with my best friend, my LO, my fantasy, my dream. She doesn’t know why, but even if she did — it more than likely wouldn’t hurt her in the same way it does me. I’ll miss her for the rest of my life — but I understand it’s not even “her” I will be missing …
Thanks for your comment gigi. Losing the company of good people is one of the hardest aspects of limerence in my opinion, but recognising that friendship just isn’t feasible is a really important part of the self-awareness that’s needed to live with it.
Great that you know it isn’t “her” – your fantasies and dreams come from within you, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the right person to help you fulfill them.
This is me. I have a best friend, my soul mate. There is 20 years between us and we are at different stages of our lives and I have become obsessed with everything about him. He wanted to take a strip back from our friendship as we spent so much time together and wanted to go and do things with his friends of similar ages and live that life. Since this conversation I’ve been thrown into Limerace. I crave his attention, worry when he doesn’t read or reply to my messages.. it’s constant and draining. When I’m with him or I know I have a message from him it’s like ecstasy! I’m on a high and my mood is great. If I message him and he doesn’t read after a few hours I feel like I’m in the depths of depression and anxious to the point of not sleeping or eating until I get another glimpse of contact with him. I just want this all to stop
Wow. I could have written this exact comment, Em. I’m right there with you. I’m so fortunate to have even found out about the concept of Limerence as it’s been an eye-opener. We also have a big age gap and he’s wanted to do less with me and more with people in his life stage. While understandable, it was devastating for me at first. Complicating things, we met online during the pandemic and built up a daily cadence of calls with multiple texts in between. For about 9 months we got to know each other and things were headed into a very romantic direction–until we met. The day we met in person, I found out he was actually looking to hook up with others. Basically, I caught him. He repeatedly lied to me and it was clear over a few weeks that he had no interest in me on a romantic basis despite those 9 months of leading me on. Why it took me about 6 weeks of being severely disappointed until I found out about limerence, I have no idea. Anyway, over the past few weeks, just working on the tricks to get rid of limerence have really helped. Haven’t gone NC completely but dialed it way back and I’m not having any of the same feelings of longing. He’s a bit unstable so I plan to just slowly let it dwindle, as I’ve realized I was the one pushing for frequent communication and I think he actually won’t care as long as he’s not rejected outright. Anyway, thank you for sharing and it’s good to know that neither of us are alone in this situation.
Okay, old article, but I’ll leave a comment anyway.
I have a close friend. We love each other, we support one another, and we miss one another when apart for a long time.
Throughout our friendship, on and off, I’ve experienced what might be called limerent feelings for her, but I recognize that I’m not really in love with her and that these intrusive thoughts are not of my own will. I’ve never seen our friendship as a pathway to something more – I’ve only felt, at times, intense sadness that it isn’t something more. I have no hope that we’ll one day be romantic partners. I cannot see it in reality, and more importantly I DO NOT WANT IT. I don’t look at her as an LO – she’s my friend whose wellbeing I care about. We’ve gone through a lot together and have a very positive bond.
There’s just this burden every time I talk to her one-on-one. One voice telling me “She MUST be the love of your life!” and another voice saying, “Leave me alone, let me have this friendship.” She’s had a troubled romantic history (which I’ve witnessed) and I don’t want to be another guy who wants something from her.
I feel like this is something that, if I address it with her, can be better dealt with. I have no expectation of a romantic relationship, I take ownership of my feelings, I respect her feelings as well and the decisions she may make moving forward about what kind of friendship she wants to have, if any, after I tell the truth about what’s going on with me and what I need.
At this point, the limerence is a dead limb that needs to be amputated for the body to heal. Yet you seem to be saying that the so-called LO is the dead limb that needs cutting? Forgive me, but cutting off contact with my friend doesn’t sound like it’ll fix anything. If anything, it sounds like running away.
Hi Mitchell,
Thanks for the comment. It’s true that there is potentially a lot to lose in ending a friendship with a good LO. I’m not trying to suggest that you should cut off LO like a gangrenous limb, or that there is no value in friendship with an LO. My main point is well illustrated by your story: if you choose to try and maintain a friendship with an LO you have to accept that it means a prolonged period of carrying an emotional burden, internal conflict about what you want out of the relationship, and the need to hide a very significant part of your emotional life from LO.
I can understand why someone would choose to make that sacrifice for an LO who was a very important friend. Genuinely. But, I would also urge anyone in this situation to think very deeply about the psychological costs of trying to deny their feelings to preserve a friendship that has become mixed up in a very powerful brew of longing and heartache. Unfortunately, limerence inevitably forces a degree of insincerity into the friendship.
So, on your final point, I agree that disclosing to “amputate the limerence” may be a good strategy. It’s uncertainty that keeps us in limerence purgatory. Really, the choice is how we act to remove that uncertainty: disclose, or go no contact. Either is feasible, but disclosure is less predictable.
Disclosure of feelings is not actually a cure for limerence. I myself have just gotten myself out of a limerent obsession, before I even knew what limerence is.
I disclosed to LO that I had feelings of an unknown nature 11 months ago, and that my feelings for her were indeed love 10 months ago. I spent the last 10 months in a limerent friendship, deluded that my LO would over time feel the same way in return, when she got over the hurt and betrayal of her past relationships.
I did not come to terms with her inability to commit to a relationship until after I went No Contact a month ago for my own mental health.
I sent a message explaining that I wanted something she didn’t want to provide, and that she wanted something I couldn’t sustain any longer. I wanted more, and she was worried that by being more, she was going to lose the closeness of our friendship if it went wrong.
When the breaking point came, I simply messaged her saying ‘You want a brother, I want a girlfriend. I can’t see how this works without either of us getting even more hurt.’
A short conversation basically discussing hurting each other as little as possible later, we weren’t friends any more. I messaged her sister to get her to be there for her, then I said goodbye and though I haven’t really stopped looking backwards, I haven’t stopped myself moving on with my life. I have come close a few times, but my friends kept me from contacting her long enough for me to realise for myself it’s not a good idea.
“Disclosure of feelings is not actually a cure for limerence. I myself have just gotten myself out of a limerent obsession, before I even knew what limerence is.”
I agree that disclosure is not necessarily a cure for limerence, but it can put one on the right path. Certainly with two people who are available, disclosure puts the cards on the table. Of course, there can be collateral damage due to having mutual friends, social media, etc. Now, certain LOs can string someone along after disclosure, because the LO doesn’t want to lose the attention. But an unattached person can move on, in time, to another person.
“I sent a message explaining that I wanted something she didn’t want to provide, and that she wanted something I couldn’t sustain any longer.”
Disclosure between my LO and I sent us into an EA, though we both have families. After she (not clearly) ended the EA, my limerence became quite terrible, as I tried to remain intimate friends with her because my attachment to her was unbreakable and unbearable. Countless wasted hours ruminating and eventually a solid attempt (online) to figure out what was happening to me, and finding this site. We were still quite attached to one another into July. It has since become a situation where she cannot provide me the same access I had to her, which in turn has me concluding that No Contact is the only answer for me. I cannot be “just friends” like anybody else with her. I don’t really “want” this, but I have known for a while that this is what needs to happen.
Maybe drlimerence can write an article about limerence by Generation (baby boomer, millennial, X, etc.)? Though that seems like quite an inexact science. Maybe it’s more about how each Generation, in general, communicates with one another, or just simply a different distribution of LO-types by Generation.
Mitchell,
I completely agree. After reading your story, I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I too have a close friend as a LO, and have learned to logically process the emotions rather than be controlled by them.
I met her over 14 years ago (she was my boss), and after several years of watching guys lose their minds over her, I swore to myself I wouldn’t be like the rest. Fast forward to about 4 years ago, and after watching her go through a few flings and a failed marriage, I finally fell limerent.
I had developed a fondness of her within about 5-6 years of meeting, but her marriage (in yr 6) kept me correct. I didn’t become limerent until after her separation, which led to over a year of us hanging out multiple times a week (dinner, drinks, tv on her couch, etc.).
One day (I can still recall the moment) I finally said to hell with avoiding the feelings, and within 6 months of falling, I confessed to her in detail how I felt. The interesting part is that although I confessed, I never went for it or really requested anything from her (such as a decision). She’s also never told me that I didn’t have a chance, nor rejected me.
Since then, we’ve hung out quite a bit, and have gone on several trips together, including a year ago which was the last time I saw her. That day was actually her birthday, and I woke up in bed with her to a sweet “Good morning”. (Talk about a head rush, yet to this day I’ve never touched nor kissed her.) The following day I moved away.
It’s eerie how closely we’re connected. We message eachother weeks-to-months apart, often exactly as one of us is thinking about the other.
I replied because you are correct. Severing a close, intimate friend is not worth it sometimes, so long as you acknowledge that what you’re feeling is involuntary and logically you can wade through the emotional tides.
I intentionally put myself as close to the fire as possible, to test my resolve. I’ve learned a lot about myself and people, from our friendship.
With her, I know that what I once wanted would never work out. She’s not what I want in a SO. She’s almost 15 years older, and despite our incredible friendship, she isn’t capable of the love that I require in a committed relationship. It took years and logic to see this.
When we sync up and hang out though, it’s still a rush that I can’t compare to anything else. While, at one point it did cause great suffering, now I just feel fortunate to get to experience such a strong emotion that the majority of people will never understand.
Thank you, your comment really helped me. I had tried the NC thing but it didnt work, so I am going to try to rely on logic and time too!
I tried the logic and time for over 2 years with my LO close friend (who I previously had a PA with). It didn’t work, but I would still stay in this friendship, despite its limitations and emotional turmoil for the same reasons limerent-strong mentioned. But being married, I realize its not fair to my SO that I feel this emotional bond to another woman. Going on day 5 of NC. I also don’t think this compromised friendship would work long for someone single who was seeking to develop a meaningful relationship elsewhere.
I’m happy to have found this site and this particular post. I do have a question. But first, my situation.
My limerence has been one of many years. A decade to be precise. At first, it was a simple obsession with someone who didn’t speak my language. This has motivated me to learn that language. I have once quoted to my friend (before I know the term limerence) “The motivation that comes from these attractions are far bigger than ones that I can conjure up myself” I see how sad this is now.
After being able to speak with a mutual language we had a couple of dates. Holding her hands was by far the highlight of my life at that point. But she went quiet and I went into hell. I have told her from the start and she knew as well about my limerance. I left the country and did No Contact for about a year. But she was still on my mind.
After, we slowly went back into a friendship. Myself knowing full well that I was still in limerance, I hoped and tried hard to be just a friend. To my surprise, we did have two sexual evenings after that. But after that, we still were just friends. For the past 3 years since those nights of heavenly pleasure, of tasting the forbidden fruit, we’ve gotten to be close friends. Goodness friends. But my emotions would boil up more often than not and would end up in pain from my side or hers.
Trying hard to keep this LO, who is a good one, who cares for me, got to know me almost better than myself, has coached me and guided me and supported me many many ways, I decided last month to work on my limerence for both our sakes. I told her I needed to No Contact.
My question now is, (although I’m not out of my limerance yet) once I have stepped out of this mindset, oh do I long for the moment I look back and laugh at my obsession, can we be friends? Can we be brother/sister as we were for so long, even though it was hard as hell?
To lose this person from my life feels like, at the moment, a huge loss, a handicap almost.
Many thanks in advance
What do you want out of life? If it works for both of you, go for it. It works for some people but not for others. I have a co-worker who has been in a similar relationship for decades. They’ll never be free of each other but they’ll never seal the deal ever. She married and divorced but their attachment never wavered. There’s a thesis worth of material in their story.
If either of you want something more from life, it’s going to take one very understanding partner to enter into a relationship that will likely always be a triangle. It sounds like there will always be a level of intimacy between you and your LO that might be difficult for another person to accept. People on the third side of the triangle usually don’t like it.
Your LO was a part of your life and you’d like that to continue. That’s legitimate. A potential SO may not like sharing you with another woman on that level. That’s also legitimate. You may find someone who’s ok with it, Just remember to afford her the same courtesy. Would you be comfortable with your SO maintaining that close a relationship with someone she slept with?
Hi Hus Amer,
It is going to be a huge loss. No denying it. The question is whether that sacrifice will allow you to live a more fulfilled and more worthwhile life. Only you can really answer that one.
My observations on the situation you describe: you have disclosed your limerence, you have had a sexual relationship, and you have been in a close friendship with your LO for many years now. Those are all circumstances that could have resolved the limerence, but you are still limerent, and still idealising her, and wanting a full romantic relationship with her. It’s hard to see how you could ever reach the point of not having those feelings for her by carrying on as you are.
Another observation is that this is quite unusual behaviour on her part. Most people are uncomfortable with an asymmetry this big in their friendships. You have been upfront about your feelings, but you say almost nothing about her response. I wonder if that means that she will not express her feelings for you clearly, leaving you in (limerence-reinforcing) uncertainty. Why would she want to keep a love-struck friend so close, without committing to a romantic relationship? What is she getting from this?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself, but the big one is “what do I want from my life?” If you want romantic love and lasting commitment with a partner, then you are much likelier to find that with someone else. And as Sharnhorst points out, that someone else is unlikely to be well disposed to your LO still being in your life.
These are tough decisions, but as I said at the outset of the post, I just don’t think it is possible to be friends with someone that we are actively limerent for. I’m also sceptical that the limerence would ever go away just by waiting and hoping. But the good news is: you get to choose what your future will bring.
I wish you luck, and emotional fortitude!
It’s being about a month now since the last time I tried to win over LO’s reciprocation. Given that she wasn’t giving me signals of interest, in a desperate attempt to stop thinking about her I deleted her phone number from my cell phone, so I wouldn’t be able to text her. But it didn’t help, because soon after this I asked her brother to give me her number. He gave me, but he has since then changed his behaviour completely towards me. He was a true friend, but now he acts very suspcious when I’m around, although trying to treat me friendly the same way as before, but he just can’t help it. His sudden change is very clear. I’ve deleted LO’s number again, but it looks like I’ll never be able to get neither LO nor her brother’s friendship again. This has been veey damaging to my social life, and I don’t know what to do to bring things back to normal as it was before all this madness started happening to me.
I can’t believe there’s almost a year since I wrote the above comment! And I’m still suffering with the same LO as then! No wonder she is in the verge of getting a boyfriend as the evidences are. It’s almost as if time freezes when you are in a LE. I’d really like to bond with this girl, but she looks like to be so above a level that It makes my anxiety to sky rocket every time I think about disclosing my feelings to her. At the same time, she kind of lure me like magic. It’s so though. I need to put an end on this. I might be adicted to being limerent. Too bad.
It’s a shock to be confronted with these moments, isn’t it? I had a similar experience at work today when I caught up with an old colleague who left two years ago, to try and finally finish the last loose ends of an old project.
Time for all of us to take purposeful action!
Ulysses, sounds like you are either following your LO online, or seeing her in person. So not having her phone number may solve means to directly contact her, but does not solve having reminders of your longing for her. Maybe things will be better for you if she becomes unavailable with a new BF. But the safest thing for now would be to try and not have any online or personal contact with her if at all possible.
It might also help to seek someone new in your life to transfer your feelings to (with hopefully a reciprocal and positive outcome).
This is the Woodley Park Metro escalator in Washington, DC. It’s 204 ft long and rises 102 vertical ft (30 degrees). It moves at 90 ft/min (1.5 ft/sec).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHp-DhHDh9Q
If you’re trying to be friends with your LO, you’re trying to run up it.
One thing Ive not seen mentioned in my research is limerence between life long friends. One comment above did mentioned a story similar to my story. I have known my friend for 30 years. We have a strong friendship that is rooted in love, adoration, trust and loyalty. There have never been any romantic feelings expressed in our friendship, until now of course. Limerence hit both of us instantly. We are both “in limerent” with one another. It is a powerful and intoxicating feeling. But, circumstances prevent us from exploring further. She has no idea what is going on and is willing to dive headfirst into these feelings. But, due to circumstances, I know better. But, I was unaware of limerence until doing a little research. I would even go so far to say that a little bit of mine is mixed initially with lust. But once the limerence kicked in, lust fell to the back in priority. Her limerence was fueled, unfortunately, by a divorce she is going through and not having the love and attention that she was missing. The fact that we are friends of 30 years, I think, intensifies the limerence the two of us share. As of right now, we have not consummated our limerence. As much as my mind, heart and body wants to, I will not let it happen because its not the right time. Circumstances and the limerence is what motivates me not to. But boy is it hard as hell. My love (philia) for her is also what motivates me because I know that one day she might regret it, or feel that I took advantage of her. Ive told her to wait til circumstances change and secretly I hope the limerence fades for her so that we can pursue a post limerent relationship and see if it might work. I just dont want to do it under the cloudy glassees of limerence and while shes going through a divorce. In my eyes, shes emotionally compromised and I know now is not the right time. My question I guess is; what is your opinion on limerence between two people who already have a long standing friendship? It seems limerence is usually associated with people who recently met each other.
I am in a situation very similar to your LO @Jason V. We have also been friends for 30 years and our limerence started when I was going through a hugely turbulent time and nearing the end of my marriage. Needless to say it became more turbulent when the limerence started. Initially it was perhaps difficult to separate the divorce from the limerence, but it is still very clear to me I was not happy in my marriage and I am now living a healthier and happier life.
What strikes me about your comment is your resolve to do good for your LO and to want the best for her and your long-term friendship. I think that is a noble, selfless goal. I recognize that in my own LO and in myself too. It could be argued that this is fuelled by limerence, but I am quite sure this is to a large extent also fuelled by friendship, the Good (Aristotle) kind, perhaps both.
I have considered no contact with my LO, but I just don’t see it as an option. I am not prepared to let go of the friendship. Instead I have opted of finding some way to deal with the limerence. Focusing on my own goals and the goals of wanting to be a good friend is hugely helpful.
We are still the same to each other as we were 30 years ago- only perhaps now with more complications and romantic feelings. Both my LO and I do not have many close friends, and I am super proud that he belongs to the Good (Aristotle) category. He inspires me to do good, and I want him to do good. Pride plays a huge part in my feelings for my LO.
I have had two other LOs in my life, both of these were not long-term friendships and so when I look back at them now I can no longer imagine what I saw in these people. They also happened when I was married. Both spelled disaster. There is one big difference between these two episodes and my current LO. We have a much stronger bond that goes back decades. I will not deny that this bond fuels the limerence, in fact it is probably the most important, but our friendship is and always has been rooted in respect, admiration for each other, support and a good dose of fun and laughter. When I read Aristotle’s definition of ‘Goodness’ friendship, that pretty much sums up our bond.
I’m quite convinced my relationship with my LO is more complicated than an infatuation. If the limerence stops, will all these feelings disappear? Perhaps they will fade to the background and be less intense, but will their make-up change when some of the feelings of our close friendship have been the same for 30 years?
I am single now after a 23 year marriage. I would like to be in a loving relationship, I am not in any rush but I do sometimes wonder whether that will happen for me if I am in limerence ( as I have been for two years now) with someone who is not available. When it becomes particularly painful is when I am reminded my LO might have the kind of intimacy with his wife I crave and have missed and I am excluded from his life with his daughter (who is his life and his purpose). But at these times my resolve steps in and I want to be the Good friend to him and support him in his situation. I suppose that could be seen as one of my noble friendship goals, some might say it is just plain stupid. Similarly, If he or I want to be less intimate, cool off or does not seek contact for a while, I imagine there is a mutual understanding, based on our strong friendship, that we are doing that for the greater good. As I am writing this, I know this is signing myself up for a big deal of pain in my life and perhaps denying myself the opportunity of opening up to being in love with someone else. But I still am at the stage where I feel that is preferable than losing our friendship altogether. Our friendship saw me through some pretty tough times, too.
Although hard and sometimes impossible, I have decided to focus on my own behaviour. That means I am super aware of what makes me weak and vigilant or what triggers rumination. Being aware of my own thoughts is helpful. Meditation has been helpful. This website and reading of people with a similar plight has certainly been useful!
I have stopped expecting any reciprocity from my LO or creating situations where I subconsciously hope for it. I avoid situations where I could potentially be disappointed. We have limited our contact to just phone calls and I resist temptation to reach out to him via messaging. I redirect my energies to something I feel deserves my attention such as supporting or spending time with my children or work. If he reaches out to me, wants to see or talk to me, believe me I am there in a flash, I am not strong enough to resist that. I have also resolved to stop questioning his behaviour or guessing about his feelings and actions. It’s beyond my control. Also, I don’t want to subject our friendship to that. I want to assume the best intentions, like best friends do. To protect myself from unnecessary pain I do sometimes avoid seeing pictures on Facebook of his family holidays. I certainly stop myself from looking for it. All of the above actions give me a sense of being in control, have purpose, respecting myself, him and at the same time keeping him as close as I possibly can.
The type of friendship we have also takes away a lot of uncertainty that perhaps characterizes other LAs. I know him, not because I think I do, I think I really do. The same goes for him, I know he knows me too. I know I am in the same category of friendship for my LO. That is one certainty I have. I know he is fighting similar demons. But that is something I have also resolved to stop ruminating about.
I thought being a friend with LO was much better than nothing, but of course it wasn’t all I wanted. I wasn’t honest, I hid my true romantic feelings in his presence, “playing it cool” so as not to alarm him or endanger the “friendship”. He knew of my feelings but since I was behaving myself and not asking for more than he wanted to give, he just relished this arrangment.
It was so great for him, and I thought it was great for me too (so many perks!) but at the end of the day I was destroying my self esteem and dignity and when I finally went NC I had a huge mess to clean up and for a time all happiness was completely drained out of me, and I didn’t know if it would ever return. I will never let myself be limerent again.
Don’t kid yourself, a limerent episode with someone who does not have any romantic interest is going to take a heavy toll on you. It’s an unhealthy imbalance of power and no matter how noble you think you are, you are not being transparent or honest and so it’s not a real authentic friendship.
I feel so cruel telling you this, but I am hoping to save you from lingering with the game that is going on in your head, one that you can never win.
Every day you stay in this friendship, more damage is occuring deep within you.
I know this from painful bitter experience!
“Don’t kid yourself, a limerent episode with someone who does not have any romantic interest is going to take a heavy toll on you. It’s an unhealthy imbalance of power and no matter how noble you think you are, you are not being transparent or honest and so it’s not a real authentic friendship.”
@Jaideux. Thank you for your candour here. I wish I had someone tell me something like this many years ago. I think it would have been helpful to “know the facts” at any rate. 😛
You’re welcome Sammy! It all seems like harmless fun … but often it’s a dangerous and toxic and poisonous game…with long term effects that can take years to recover from. One can become a limerence long-hauler!
I think if I knew then what I know now I may have been able to end past LE’s years earlier than I did. But no point in looking back, only forward, fully armed and cognitively intact!!!
And…one does eventually heal 🙂
“I thought being a friend with LO was much better than nothing, but of course it wasn’t all I wanted. I wasn’t honest, I hid my true romantic feelings in his presence, “playing it cool” so as not to alarm him or endanger the “friendship”. He knew of my feelings but since I was behaving myself and not asking for more than he wanted to give, he just relished this arrangment.”
@Jaideux. What you say at the start of your comment is brilliant too. I’ve engaged in the same kinds of rationalisations.
After a year of limbo, I cut contact with my LO. Didn’t give notice. It was after one of our deep, sharing conversations. The joy/pain was something I could no longer take. He reached out a few weeks later and I told him we could not be friends.
I told him that every contact was painful. I didn’t know what Limerence was then. I thought that after our relationship, brief though it was, was over, that I could take it down to that level of friendship. I thought that my feelings would fade. I knew that staying in touch with him was unhealthy. I could barely focus at work. I was dating men but I didn’t care about them. I could barely think about the most important people in my life, my adult children.
I had tried to be there for him. I tried to be a good friend. I listened to him and supported him through a few rough times.
But I was always going to want more.
I broke no contact when the pandemic was getting worse. I can’t tell you how incredibly happy I was to be in touch with him. But the intensity of my feelings grew worse. I went no contact again. The sorrow that followed was worse than the first time. Sometimes I think about him in the middle of the day and start to cry. I can’t be his friend. I can never be his friend.
“I told him that every contact was painful.”
“I can’t be his friend. I can never be his friend.”
@Beth. Kudos to you for being honest. I think, if every interaction with someone is bringing us pain, then that surely is a sign that it’s not really a friendship we’re hoping to enjoy with them.
Reading this article again and again. We became secret friends over the years, never introduced each other to our SOs. Cant pretend its nothing its been 6 years nearly , we text every day during lockdown to replace our meetings. I need to stop pretending hes just a friend. I care for him in a different way than a friend. Do we both pretend? Am i the only fool in the story. We stopped contact (nc) for nearly 2 yrs in between when i had a kid. Hes expecting now . Im the first one he tells, im a lost and messed up woman. I need to run away again for my sanity and happiness. The truth is i would never agree to a romantic relationship with him so im uselessly pretending to be his close friend. It sucks and its fake
Sara,
Totally get this. My LE was really different to yours, but there were really similar feelings:
1) this isn’t something I actively want to deepen/develop, so what exactly am I chasing? (Apart from how good LOs reciprocation felt, and the nice times we shared which did feel special).
2) am I the only one feeling this? Hard to know in reality. I once chatted to an LO I’d been ruminating over for ages. He phoned me to discuss meeting after some separation. He said that he hadn’t thought about ‘us’ for ages, then recently a couple of things triggered him, so he had phoned. I honestly believe that… and no, of course I didn’t confess that I’d been thinking about him every day, and most of the day for many of those, missing him. I probably just gave an affected, cheery ‘well it’s nice to hear from you again!’
We can never know what LO is feeling without their honest, trusted account… and how brave are you feeling to ask?
In the end it has no bearing on the future as it sounds like you are confident where your commitment lies.
You are right to end your friendship (limerent obsession) with this man. It isn’t offering you what you want, and it makes you feel hopeless and lost. Run away. Do it..!
But stick around here as you do it because No Contact can be hard. I suck at it! (Lots of excellent articles here though…)
All good wishes,
What I get out of this article and the comment section is that we can’t “just be friends” with an LO because our unconscious mind wants LO as a partner. And if we do pursue friendship, even in good faith, our unconscious mind will sabotage us by ensuring we fall deeper and deeper into infatuation. It’s a no-win situation…
My current LO is a friend. I really like her a lot as a human being. I enjoy hanging out with her, and I am pretty sure she enjoys my company too. But I’m married, and she has been playing games with me to a certain extent, expecting me to hang out with her one-on-one to be her wingman while she hits on guys (she seems really focused on meeting men and dating at the moment, so much so that she complains if we go to a bar where there aren’t enough quality men for her to meet — despite her having plenty success with online dating). I think she has an idea how I feel about her, but she probably isn’t aware of the true depths of my feelings. My marriage is kind of on the rocks, and my LO is aware of that. I am not sure what she wants from me, but I assume she enjoys the attention. Now she is focused on rubbing my nose in the fact she is dating other men and telling me ad nauseum how much she is into guys who are the total opposite of me. She doesn’t want me, but she did seem a bit jealous at one time when I mentioned how attractive another woman was. She also seems particularly angry and frustrated at my wife on my behalf. I think there was a bit of a spark at one time, despite me not really being her type (she had flirted with me in the past, although it was cloaked in plausible deniability), and I do think she wants to make me jealous on some level, yet I think she has somehow moved on.
Dropping her as a friend completely and going hard no contact seems very difficult, especially given how we have mutual friends. If I lose her as a friend, I lose that entire crowd of friends (who are basically the only people who want to hang out with me these days). The weird thing is that our mutual male friend seems to feel exactly the same way about her. The two of us used to fawn all over her and tell her how beautiful and fantastic she is, etc. — and I think she really enjoyed it — but I for one have decided that I no longer want to kiss her ass or beg her to spend time with me. I also have no wish to be her wingman or have her treat me like chopped liver while she hits on other guys. I know I am not available to this woman. Despite the deep problems in my marriage, I would never cheat on my wife. I have no wish to stop her dating other men, and if she had asked my advice a few months ago (before she started dating again), I would have told her she should be dating, but at the same time I have no wish to hear her brag about her conquests (which she does) or watch her try to pick up other men. It’s one thing to know it is happening, but I think I am within my rights not to want to be part of it or hear any of the gory details of her dating life.
In no way am I slut-shaming this woman. I still think really highly of her. If my marriage ended, I would still LOVE a chance to be with her, and I wouldn’t hold her past against her. But for now, I am married and I am not in the game at all. I have to continually remind myself of that. I am off limits even if she was totally into me (although I suspect she isn’t).
I suppose this is a roundabout way of saying how I am grudgingly starting to accept the truth of this post. I think I can still be a friend to her, but perhaps not an authentic friend — at least not while I am limerent for her. The feelings have subsided slightly over the past few weeks. We are also kind of in lockdown at the moment, so I will be forced into no contact for a while. That will help me to a certain extent. I also unfollowed her on Facebook for a couple of weeks, although I capitulated and followed her again. I try not to be a sycophant these days to her, either in person or online. While I plan on hanging out with her and that crowd again, I definitely need to make some new friends once something resembling normal life resumes (and try to work on my marriage too). I am at least not willing to be a doormat to her. I think where no contact is impossible or impractical, at least low(er) contact and a focus on self-respect and self-esteem are important. Thinking logically and being brutally honest with oneself about the situation are incredibly important as well.
Vicarious,
Unless she approaches men herself, bringing another man as a wingman is an ineffective strategy. Most guys will assume the wingman is her date and not approach. Does she have no female friends? I used to bring my gay male best friend when I would go out cruising because he was good at approaching and talking to people, but he would immediately introduce me as his sister. She is c**kblocking herself by bringing another man.
@Marcia: Thanks for your comment. I thought that too: If I am out with my LO, wouldn’t other guys assume we are together? In truth, I have not actually seen her approach other guys, but she mentioned it several times as something she would like to be able to do. What am I supposed to do, go up to a guy and say, “You know, my friend really likes you.” We have not went out one-one-one. Every time we go out, it’s part of a group of three or more, but the last couple of times we went out, she was almost promoting the idea of just the two of us going out. I explained that my wife is jealous of her and wouldn’t approve of that, and she got angry, mentioning how our friendship is “totally platonic.” She mentioned that several times. A couple of people on the private forum thought that was her friend zoning me forever, and that she would not have said that if she wanted to keep the possibility of us being together open if my wife and I ever should go our separate ways. You are right about her not having many female friends. Most of her friends seem to be guys, and a lot of them seem to be part of her fan club. I still like her a whole lot, but I am not going to stroke her ego anymore. I still believe she is trying to make me feel jealous — or she is totally clueless and I am so firmly in the friend zone that she doesn’t even consider the possibility I would be interested in her.
Various,
Sorry. I misunderstood you. I thought you were hanging out one-one-one. The older I get, the more I see that people are really easy to read if we just sit back and watch what they do. I spent so much time trying to figure out what the guy was thinking or what he meant we said certain things. For example, maybe after three months of dating, he was still only contacting me once a week and seeing me once a week. And we hadn’t talked about being exclusive or in a relationship. So I broached the topic, had the uncomfortable “determine the relationship” talk. And that was a waste of time. His behavior had told me everything. Sorry if this is a bit broad of an answer, but think this is true of all relationships.
@ Marcia: I agree that people can be pretty transparent if we truly analyze their words and actions, but I still haven’t figured out this lady. She is difficult to read. I know she likes me as a friend, but I think she is somehow a little annoyed with me at the moment. Someone on the private forum made a comment that we cannot possibly know our LO’s thoughts and true feelings, and we can drive ourselves nuts trying to figure them out, so for that reason we should settle on a narrative that explains our LO’s behaviour and stick with that. My best guess is I’m not her usual type, but there was a bit of a spark on her part at one time. However, I think she has moved on from that. Still, she enjoyed the attention and kind of enjoys making me feel a bit jealous. I believe she enjoys the attention of lots of men and likes to surround herself with guys who will compliment her and fawn all over her. The funny thing is when I first met her, she seemed a little unsure of herself and she was scared of getting hurt after her divorce several years back. But her ego has swelled in recent months. Frankly, I miss the old LO #2 from about six months ago, but I don’t think that person is ever coming back. Still, good for her that she is now finding some happiness and fun in her dating life, and she has developed more self-confidence and the self-awareness to know men find her hot, fun and exciting.
Vicarious,
All you can do is take what she says at face value. I was once in a friends-with-benefits situation and the guy point-blank told me he didn’t want a relationship. Now, he would invite me to do things with him that I knew were important to him, and that confused me, but that didn’t change the fact the he told me he didn’t want a relationship. He was very clear about how he felt about me.
Good reminder for me as after nearly a week (haha I know) of NO I keep thinking: I’ve got this, it’s not as bad as past times & I can contact him to be “just friends” as I care so much about him & want to know how he is Blabla. I did tell him/disclosed why no contact for a while (open relationship friend with benefits) and there was no sign for reciprocation from his side apart from still wanting to be friends with benefits. I would hope a friendship will eventually be possible. Until then I’m so proud of myself for NO!!
Thanks for this page, a life saver 🙂
Hello All. This site helps me sort out how I feel and how to cope. I know I need to change the way I feel about LO, and consider his interest but lack of time.
We are both single and in need of a human touch.
LO started when he went out of his way to leave his phone number. He asked would I go out with him, and wrote, “I clean up nicely”. We texted all happy. I was in the North and getting “hooked” on him.
Pandemic was running rampant! I had no life but texting LO for a year. Text went from friends to lovers to porn and back around again talking as friends.
Returned South, where he is in my neighborhood every day. He texts interest. While on his job, I can manage to meet and request a hug and kiss. He readily complies. He and I agree to want more, but work schedule takes up his day and nights. Leaving 5 hours to sleep.
I have the text book description of Limerence; can’t begin to think NC, ever…..
I want a face to face and body to body. I kid myself into thinking that will solve my Obsession. Guess, I’ll continue to cope until I can’t.
I’m not sure I agree entirely. But at the same time, I think navigating a friendship with an LO requires a LOT of self-awareness and support.
You CAN turn Limerance into Love. I know this can be done. And it can really only be done through MINDFUL relational connection. As they say, we create wounds in relationship and we heal wounds in relationship.
The reality is, in my case, I have a pattern of:
1) Cutting and running from LOs cold turkey (Favorite line: “I will always be your friend, but I can never just be friends”)
2) Luring LOs into connection and exploiting in real time their messed up behaviors that crashes the connection into a ball of fire
These are also unhealthy strategies, I think.
Recently, I chose to do something entirely different. To find healing in the triggers. To recognize the triggers.
I want a life partner and pattern-traumas make this hard. Cutting and running doesn’t work. Blowing up doesn’t work. So rather than removing myself from the discomfort, I’m learning to lean in and self-soothe – to see what I learn.
Right now I’m currently working on alchemizing an LO into a friendship. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s hard as hell. But it is an opportunity to try something different than previous patterns.
We went out on a handful of dates previously and the connection was palpable. So much so, I knew not to kiss or have sex with this person. Because, let’s face it, chemistry is not compatibility. I made the decision to step away and do some self-healing for several months. When I came back into connection with the intention of friendship (Although my romantic feelings had not been absolved), I returned to learn he was exclusively dating another woman.
Fast forward a month later – the sexual tension between us is still insane. However, rather than being trapped in old patterns of fantasy and what-ifs, this brewing friendship has given me an opportunity to really, really, really practice healthy tools that will hopefully mature and heal parts of myself and potentially parts of himself too.
I am able to name outloud, in real time, in front of him, when he’s being confusing. Or when the only time he ever mentioned his girlfriend was in a negative context but largely never ever brings her up between us. Or how ungrounded and confusing I feel because he is also confused and ungrounded. Or naming out loud his fear of commitment and why I sensed it, essentially refusing to go further with our physical connection. How his fears and what he’s doing might be unfair to his girlfriend and myself.
He’s not a bad human. He’s just very, very hurt. And hurt people hurt other people.
Being able to literally engage with this person and together decipher what is projection, what is real connection, what is true and what isn’t has been defining. We talk about projections, the fog of chemistry, sexual tension and differentiating compatibility from chemistry often to suss out what our trauma patterns are so we can stop perpetuating.
It is only through our engagement that I am meeting unconscious triggers and pains I have largely ignored or pretended isn’t there. I recognize I need to create more space, I need to learn to sit with discomfort, I need to stop overfunctioning. I am learning how to disconnect my attraction towards unavailability while being present with an unavailable man.
I honestly would not have arrived at this understanding alone. He hasn’t confronted me about any of this, but rather his unconscious (and conscious) actions and behaviors generate me to step back and feel ‘Oh this needs to shift.’ Whereas, with loving vulnerability, I call him out on his integrity. Whether or not he listens doesn’t matter – what matters is someone called him out and he can’t feign ignorance if he hurts someone.
There may come a time when one of us says ‘Okay. I have to walk away from this.’ Which is fair. No one likes to be called out on their shit. But right now, we are willing to untangle our messes with mutual respect. One of the most challenging pieces I did was to compliment and send loving words about his girlfriend, whom he still doesn’t really talk about. That was hard because I HAD to shatter another projected fantasy.
I am not advising EVERYONE try to do this. I myself have an incredible support system that has helped me through this: a beautiful sisterhood who calls me out on blindspots when I entertain LO’s company, wonderful therapists and a background of deep self-awareness and embodied practices.
What I am saying is that you can be friends. But first and foremost you have to have the tools to make it happen and you have to be transparent enough to call things out in real time with strong boundaries so lines don’t get crossed.
Do I struggle? Of course. Are there times when I swim in previous patterns? Yes. But am I working hard to transform old limerance patterns into true liberated love, where I can look at that other human and say ‘I support you no matter what path you choose and as long as I’m not sacrificing integral parts of myself to support you.’
Its hard. But I am hell bent on doing it.
Because if its not him, I will just turn someone else into an LO. So rather than repeat this pattern, let’s transform the damn thing.
I’ve been re-reading Lucy’s “5 Reasons to Never Befriend Someone You Love: The Golden Rule of Infatuation” on Paired Life, which is one of my favourite articles regarding limerence.
I found the following lines very hard-hitting but true:
“In fact, nothing about this connection is a friendship.”
“Choosing to befriend/remain friends with someone you have deep feelings for, you are selfishly dragging them into a rather artificial, unhealthy connection.”
“We should not be strongly attracted to our friends.”
“… you aren’t actually interested in connecting with them platonically and would hate to see them happily in a relationship. This is because a platonic friendship doesn’t entail physical attraction or romantic feelings.”
I’m very interested in the modern cultural phenomenon of bromance, often seen between attractive straight men on TV. But I see that a true bromance wouldn’t be limerence in disguise. One party can’t be secretly pining after the other…
I think a real bromance is two men, usually two straight men, camping it up, usually for the benefit of an audience. This audience is usually female – a small group of females who are enchanted by the cutesy-poo display of closeness between the two males. I think the two males are interested romantically in women/the women. However, their chemistry with each other is a way of saying: “Look at us, ladies. We’re such great catches we don’t have to compete with each other for attention. Rather, we cooperate with each other for attention.”
It’s a very clever mating strategy – making oneself conspicuous to the available females in your milieu by doubling up with another attractive person of the same sex. Also, women will likely feel less threatened, individually or collectively, if encountering said phenomena. I mean, who doesn’t love a free comedy show?
I think bromance is advertising one’s mating fitness through charm and smarts and wit and niceness rather than through power/dominance. By empowering another man socially and emotionally, etc, Mr Bromance is demonstrating what an evolutionarily fit specimen he is. I.e. “I’m so great I don’t feel threatened by other men. I can give other men a leg up.” And, sincere or not, if I was a woman, I think I’d eat the display up. I’d be impressed by this kind of advertising. It would be a refreshing change from Neanderthal-like displays of dominance.
I think there’s no real passion or intensity behind the behaviour of the lads in the bromance, however, and that’s what makes it so much fun to witness and to partake in. Everybody involved understands that this is a performance with a pro-social goal in mind. (The pro-social goal is that both lads hopefully end up with an enthusiastic female partner who appreciates a certain kind of humour. Also, the female lands a male who understands life is a social enterprise and that getting along with one’s fellow tribesmen is essential to survival).
It’s better for a man to be a lover than a fighter, in other words. However, if a man is a fighter, he should be a play-fighter in relationships. If a man is capable of being a play-lover with other men socially, a bromantic through-and-through, then he’s also capable of being a play-fighter socially. The bottom line is women/men/society want a man who is in control of his impulses, a man who is so strong he can play around with his own strength, a man who has vivid and intact emotions and yet who is not consumed/overwhelmed by those emotions.
Effortless self-control I think is the essence of social masculinity, and it’s a very, very attractive ideal to me. This is not, however, the essence of biological masculinity, which is far more uncouth and selfish and greedy and aggressive. A man’s social masculinity and a man’s biological masculinity will always be in conflict, until he learns to master and subordinate his biological masculinity.
Bromance is just a sophisticated take on having a wingman – a friend who can shine the spotlight on you and highlight all your best qualities. But the wingman is impressive enough in his own right that the praises he sings ring true.
Limerence, on the other hand, as Lucy points out, seems to involve misery – a yearning for another person that produces misery when it goes unrequited. It seems to be a solitary activity. It seems to involve a lot of negative emotions.
When I look back over my life, I think I’ve really dropped the friendship ball. I thought I was good at friendship. But maybe I’ve just mixed up friendship and limerence time and time again? Friendship seems to be helping someone else achieve their goal, and that goal may be a happy relationship with someone who isn’t me. I can’t be a good “bro” if I secretly want my “bro” to fail at love…
Merry Christmas, everyone! 😛
I always enjoy reading your takes. Super interesting and make me think about things differently. Merry xmas Sammy and fellow limerents! =]
Not sure if I should even post here or how anonymous this really is. But at the same time I’d like to put this out in the open and just… share.
Over the last couple of days I’ve found out that I’m Limerant for a very close friend of mine and that I’ve probably been that way for some months now. I’ve known her for quite some years and a few years ago I heard from mutual friends that she actually thought about me as a potential partner but due to reasons was unavailable to pursue those feelings. At the same time I noticed I very much enjoyed spending time with her and it was only when friends started commenting about how we acted around eachother that I noticed that maybe I was developing romantic feelings for her. It was very clear though that she was unavailable at the time so we stayed friends, never spoke of potential romantic interest in eachother, and grew really close over the years and our relationship developed into a really good friendship even though we didn’t see eachother that often.
A year and a half ago I was having some mental health issues and I confided in her about that. That was when we started seeing eachother more often. At first just once per month then on average once every two weeks. Now there are times we see eachother almost every week. Also the duration of time spent has increased as well. Sometimes our ‘get togethers’ started to feel like dates. Going from one activity to the next until it was time to say our goodbyes. It was then that I started doubting my feelings for her; as well as her potential feelings for me. And I have been in this… limbo or ‘nowhere’ for some months now.
Sometimes I think I’m experiencing romantic feelings for her. I want to spend more and more time with her and I’m really looking forward to when I get to see her. I’m feeling safe and comfortable with her and I do believe we share a deep emotional bond. Sometimes I do feel like I’d want to get closer physically as well. But at the same time I’m not experiencing those butterflies feelings, I’m not incredibly nervous when I’m with her, and whatever it is I’m feeling it certainly doesn’t make me happy. I mean: mostly I’m happy and I feel great when we’re together, but when we’re not together and my mind just starts racing… I hate that.
I’m not really sure how I want to go forward. I definately don’t want to lose her and our friendship. She’s really important to me. I also don’t want to share these feelings with her because I’m afraid that would ruin everything. I also don’t want to go NC but I also don’t know how to fix this. This is really tough to deal with. I’m telling myself that if I just put enough trust in our relationship and in her and actually feel that trust that I can work through this. I’m becoming more and more a part of her life and sometimes I even think that wherever our friendship goes next that it will be allright. In fact, just recently I felt like that in the future this friendship could grow into a soulmate like one (if it isn’t already) of maybe we could even become more like brother and sister to eachother. It’s just that there’s always that lingering feeling that in the future there’s a small chance at this turning romantic. But at the same time I feel like I don’t even WANT a relationship with her and we’re probably not even compatible that way. I just want her as a friend so whatever it is I’m feeling is nonsense anyway. Why is it so hard to just stop feeling this way?
When I found out about limerence I realised that I’ve never actually been in love in my life. I’ve had feelings for others, sure, but it was always this obsessive and intrusive yearning. Parading around the periphery of love, but not actually being in love. That was a difficult realisation as well. I know I’m having some more issues with attachment and anxiety and insecurities so at least I know why I have the tendency for limerence. But at the same time it just really sucks ’cause I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to fix this and if I will ever experience actual love. I don’t want it to be too late for me.
For this current LE: I think I understand that I feel this way because of other issues, other things I lack in my life right now, and these feelings for her act as an unhealthy substitute for that. So I know it’s not real and it’s not love and she very likely doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me. And I know that’s okay. I’ve had a different LO in the past and our relationship has grown and has become an incredibly valuable friendship. I hope I can reach that point with current LO as well. I really don’t want to lose her and I don’t want to be a hindrance for her to be happy.
Limerence is being in love. Its not loving someone. Its an extreme version of being in love. Loads of people go through low-level limerence, but they don’t notice it too much and they are not too negatively affected by it. A lot of them use this basic trick though. They fall in love after they’ve started a relationship. Much less risk.
We limerence sufferers, often fall in love before a relationship (maybe because of barriers) or in the dating stage of a relationship. We’ve got good imaginations, and we can take them forwards in our heads, when it not in front of us, and uh we go a little too far a little too fast and we get into limerence, and our thoughts overtake us.
Basically what I am saying don’t feel that you’ve never fallen in love. You have. You’ve loved, you’ve lost. You tried. You’ve experienced the yearning of falling in love, thats what it is. You are not missing out, your loving is just early to the party.
I loved a girl but I am not even her friend but I need her so what should I do
Try rehearsing romantic scenes from Shakespeare with an handsome LO over and over again for three years, and spending hours quietly applying their stage make-up. My poor brain will never recover it seems. I need my clear thinking and happiness back though. I’m so tired of this later stage limerent suffering… just miserable
Ah help, I made a huge mistake in thinking I could be and stay friends with my LO. I am older than him and started off more like his “mentor”. Slept with him once 3 years ago after he made a move on me. I wasnt infatuated or limerent until after intimacy. Then again 7 months later -regretably as still was intimate even after he said he was in love with another woman ( his age) and wanted to try out relationship with her. He even went to her a week after me. Still even then I fooled myself into being his friend still and wanted to let go of the attachment. Now staying friends after 3 years. He has been in and out of 2 relationships since.
Lots of long phone chats and seeing him now and again. My feelings being all along intense and hidden and depressed and down. I introduced him to so many things he’s taken on and improved his life. The biggest regret is me inviting him to an friends weekend where he meets lots of my closest lovely friends I feel safe with. What was I thinking. They all like him; even one of my own younger close friends appears to have taken a liking to him and I can see they both have a special connection and it kills me. I see her flirt with him and they hugged lots. I feel weak and my self esteem so low. I thought by inviting him to my friends gathering would help the linerence. But not. I’ve come away feeling worse. Don’t know what to do but sit with this pain. Too ashamed to admit to my friends-they see him as a nice friend I brought along.
I have read that when we are limerent, we project our feelings, emotions, beliefs and values onto the limerent object. I have also read that this projection is different to love. In this false love, we are seeking to complete ourselves by learning from the LO about something we are missing in our lives so as to feel complete. I presume this is intimacy.
My LO is not available due to being forty years younger than me. We have a meal twice a week for two hours. He has no one else in his life at all. I don’t feel this type of fond affectionate intimacy from the two other people in my life I am close to. I do feel embarrassment at my feelings and at the same time defiance.
I think our relationship will morph into a good friendship.
I used to come here a lot. Then – real life happened, my limerence ended abruptly, and I just never came here. But I came back today to report back on something that has come up here a lot – the question of whether you can be friends with an LO.
I used to think not.
I tried, but those pesky feeling got in the way.
BUT – I have come back to say that now I am good friends with the person who used to be my LO. I couldn’t be friends with the LIMERENT OBJECT, but when he ceased to be an LO, he became a real person, and over time, I became friends with that person. We like and trust each other, support each other through difficulties, rejoice in each other’s happiness.
I can cry and share my feelings with him and not feel any desire for him in a romantic way.
Wow. That’s fantastic!
This is making me wonder, why do I always end up having these feelings for the men I get really close to? Not that they all end up as LOs, and I don’t need to always get close to someone for them to become an LO, but I develop a desire for men I feel a connection with that is surely not normal.
What is it that means I can’t keep boundaries? Or does everyone feel this way and it just doesn’t rule their every waking moment?
Anyway, congratulations! Apologies for waffling on your post!
Thank you. It actually restores my faith in humanity a bit, that I can have a friendship with someone who was the focus of such an unhealthy, unwholesome experience as limerence. Even I can tell – the limerence was not a good thing and gave me no peace of mind; the friendship is a good thing.
I think, if you are consciously or unconsciously looking for love, then of course anyone who you get close to gets special scrutiny. It is natural if you like someone to wonder if you could love them? (if love is indeed what you want) I don’t think the trajectory of your thoughts is unusual.
I think for me, when I made my friend into an LO, I was still in a romantic/love mindset. Since then … I broke up with my long-term partner, a painful heart-breaking experience that was actually worse than limerence suffering (I would not have thought possible before this, but now I know there is a whole new level of suffering), am in no way ready for any new entanglement, and I have so other things to worry about that love is really low on the list. Maybe that is why it was possible to see my friend in a new light? It’s like people find a “purpose” for their life; I just have SO MANY WORRIES that solving them is my purpose right now!
Oldtimer,
may I ask if you disclosed to your LO back then?
Just asking because I‘m limerent for my longtime friend and struggling
1. not to disclose
2. to keep this friendship which could be really like you describe your friendship now, if I just could get rid of that bloody limerence.
That’s great, Oldtimer! I hope to be able to still be friends with my LO as we share the same hobby. Not close friends but able to spend time together with other people and feel OK about it.
Can I ask if you needed a period of NC to get over the LO first? That’s how I got over my last LO and we are now just friends again. My current LO is trickier because there’s hurt involved in some of his behaviour.
Re friends with LO. Say months down line of NC, if in my case i cant see my LO, or speak to LO or Facetime my LO and I deleted all traces of my LO. How will i know if my heart will jump, or a rush of chemicals if they never contact me again, will i need to ask them to do this?? If aiming for an agreed friend only eventual outcome. Isn’t this counterintuitive but what other way is there? Assuming one meets all the other criteria for recovery in due course? Would it be a case of just trying and see?
How you feel when you merely THINK about LO should give you a clue.
You have probably heard this many times before like some self-denial recording but
genuinely not much right now. I only think of how this “IS” going to be fixed and what I’m doing to fix this. Now I don’t feel love, angst butterflies or anything. I just want my friend back. I never loved her in the first place. All the time we agreed we were just friends and that was all. I told her about my Limerence and once I knew what I’d become (the first time ever i’m 52) then i went NC as soon as possible and did the right thing, all inside 3 months. Now I just feel I want my friend back as it started out. Ok it’s only been 9 days i think but prepared to put in a few months to be sure. But nipping this in the bud by mutual agreement after we’d discussed it was a mental condition. I just want it fixed so we can talk again normally. I firmly believe that this is fixable, If I feel those feelings after contact, we will discuss boundaries and self-help. Friendships are too important to lose over some chemistry, I’m buggered if my brain is pulling one over me., Were both adults that understood the “disease”. I’m going to make this work not for love, not for dopamine highs but for the fight, it’s now a challenge and bring it on!. If the dopamine kicks in I will be honest about it and back off and go NC. Once a week polite emails or whatever works. This will not ruin my friendship! It may be hard to do but I’m doing it. I WIll let you know how it goes, It doesn’t work then im not as strong as i thought but im up for this as a “F U” to limerence.
Does anyone feel a sense of emptiness after going NC. As far as my brain and feelings go, it’s over. But the quiet is deafening. No up, no down, just normal. Nothing in the brain but god it’s so quiet now in that Noggin of mine. Almost feels empty. I guess what that means is “clear”. Free of intrusive, obsession, manipulation. Just empty. For those reading and going against telling your SO, I did, she was fine about it. Had a refreshing talk about how I suffered and how id worked through it. Very adult and quite surprised how cleansing that was.
Yeah, limerence can take up a lot of head space. When it finally goes away, it can leave a pretty big hole.
For me it was “Doop-de-doop-de-doop…Holy crap! What do I think about now?”
It happens to me from time to time. I think thats why I end up always going back LC. Because I have even less of a life without a LO to see or think about.
Sad but it’s where I am..
Tide hi,
“For those reading and going against telling SO, I did, she was fine about it.”
Wow, I’m so glad it turned out so well and “cleansing” for you! It’s so humbling on her part to be so understanding!
The reason I was against it was because you said she was sick and I thought it would add more to her suffering… this proves we don’t know our partners very well …and how much they’re willing to help theirs spouses. That’s true love! She behaved matured. Bravo! Now you have a confidant . You’re handling this limerence very well. You’re brave and will surely get out of it fast. 👍💪🏽
Yes very suprising. Alas I “left” my LO caring for her sick mum who has taken a downturn. (left as in stopped texting) There is a part of me thats feels for her as its a drain in itself. I tired go into NC in the most amicmable way possible. She said that she could update me as friends every now and then. I said that was too much unceratinty and explained its best we go NC at least until the new year. By which time i hope some contact can resume without L
Struggling with the NC. The long periods of time creep up on me and they are saying to me are they ok, what are they up to, how are they. I’m keeping busy working out, riding my bike, rescuing my failing business but starting another one. But even when there is a 10 minute break of nothing, I get the Huff’s. It’s not a pining or stress is an empty, a dull. I’m over the dopamine now, or I hope I am. This dull and grumpy feeling is only recent, this week. Where did it come from when I was doing so well last week. I’m getting a bit grumpy and sigh a slot. Is this a stage I didn’t know about. ?
Hi Tide,
You seem to be doing just fine.
You’re going through different stages of NC, it’s normal all those feelings , they come and go. Remember, this is a period where you are grieving a loss, like the death of a loved one, but without a body in sight to bury. Be patience, it’s understandable, it’s not easy. I think one becomes grumpy because our limerent mind rebels against the suffering while with just a phone call to LO that grumpiness would go away… but… in the long run, it comes at a high price to pay. Focus harder on your business and do breathing exercises when you become anxious to relax the mind. And yes you’ll feel dull and void at times as if life has no more meaning without LO, but hang in there, you’ll surpass that also. It takes some time.
Sending kind thoughts your way. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Thank you 🙂 MY lo just liked a post on FB , i felt nothing, Thats good right!I was disappointed that I felt nothing, I wanted to feel something, and oddly I’m annoyed I felt nothing! But also relieved I felt nothing as I was not going “there” again. But wonder if you get where I’m coming from?
Tide, I see you’re on a self healing process and trying to forget everything; you have adapted to the change and are surprised of what you have accomplished so far. But the sweetness of limererence memories sometimes they remain in our minds, you feel the void, the emptiness …this shall also pass. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
I think I’m past the life has no meaning stage. I’ve moved on from that. What might work against me is that if my former LO , (going to use that phrase to help move on, ) when I feel I’m ready to reconnect only as friends is a different person to what I felt during Limerence. By which I mean if I feel they have changed because I disclosed. I still want a proper friendship. Best buddies with out Limerence. I’ve said before this may seem loonacy to some and also not possible. However this may take time to build the trust we had before Limerence kicked in. Should I feel my friend is not the same as I remember this might change my need to be friends again. My early thoughts of her were a true friend. That’s all I seek and nothing more. My busines is still dead. Sponging of the gov for money is not something I want to do, tough times require tough measures. It gives me some other focus though but lots of stress.
I am a man into my 40s. About 6-7 months ago, I went out to get my morning coffee from a near-by cafe before I attended my work meetings remotely while working from home. I saw a very young man in early 20s just too charming. I thought he was so gorgeous. I returned home, had my coffee, and had a typical day at work. Nothing remarkable about that day. A couple of weeks later, I went out to get my coffee from the same cafe, and I saw the same charming guy — this time a few metres up close. This time, I found him even more charming. But I had absolutely no idea who he was, what he did, where was he headed etc. I returned home with the coffee, I attended work calls like any other day and had long forgotten about that man. That was about it.
Due to work commitments, I had to travel to a different city and then my work contract ended as per original contract timeline. Then I undertook an overseas trip for about three weeks. Upon return, it took a month or so to find a couple of job opportunities. There was a job offer from company A & company B. I was almost certain of joining companies B, but due to the proximity of the company A location, I opted to go with the company A. It was a line-ball decision. All through this upheaval, my couple of brief sightings of Mr.Charming was a distant memory.
Now, the plot thickens. The very first day during introductory meetings in the company A, I look out of the glass wall of the meeting room, I see someone appear like Mr.Charming. I dismissed that appearance as a figment of my imagination. Up to this point everything was just normal. A few days later, I happen to see that person sitting only a couple of rows from my work desk. It was no longer my imagination. That guy was indeed the Mr.Charming that I had seen a few months earlier. With my past experience of going through a person obsession with one other male colleague almost 20 years ago {without realising what it was), I did not want to repeat that episode. So I went too hard, too soon. I tried to establish any eye contact with this person, and I tried to steer clear of any possibility of a chance encounter with that guy. So far, it felt like I was winning the little battle in my head. But that is where I was mistaken. The more I tried to control myself from seeing this guy, the more I craved to get a look at him at least from a distance. Those were first signs of me losing control.
To do my head in, on a Sunday evening, when I least expected to see any of my colleagues roaming around close to my place, I happened to see that guy from 10-12 metres up close and again I tried to avoid eye contact and pretended not to have noticed him. Slowly my resolve started fraying, and limerence has kicked in. I am now getting up early mornings and was not able to sleep again. On a few more occasions, when I walked past the person, I again avoided direct eye contact with him. By now, I was sure that he started noticing that I have been deliberately avoiding eye contact with him. Things continued this way for next 2-3 weeks.
About three weeks ago, the mother of all twists (and all coincidence) occurred. Mr. Charming’s job role got changed and as part of his new role, he had to move his desk. Incredulously, his new desk is directly opposite my desk. There is no way I can hide now. I am forced to exchange morning greetings. That guy does observe my body language and my weird behavior with him alone. While I may have got my dopamine doses a few times, since he moved his desk next to mine, my limerence factor is on the verge of exploding now. My sleep deprivation has aggravated in the last three weeks.
Thinking back at every possible coincidence that has landed me in this situation right from those chance sightings on the street to becoming my colleague next desk, I am on the verge of losing my mind completely. I am more than conscious that the surreal coincidence apart, there is zero chance of my LO and I ever becoming even friends. So, I just don’t know how do I get rid of my limerence?
Any suggestions or recommendations from people in similar situations would be highly appreciated!
Wilde2011
The long line of dominos that fell, completely out of my control, sound similar to yours. From the chance meets (employees quitting and transfers of other employees) and decisions made out of my control, I too sat almost opposite of her for about 4 months. I was tasked by management (another thing out of my control) to help her on a project. Because of the amount of people that resigned I was the only one qualified to help her. It was at a different location than where I normally worked so I had to travel about 90 miles there and back for those 4 months.
Presently she has since left the company for another job. One that better fit her circumstances and schedule (she’s a single mother with two daughters). But we remained friendly until she left, when I was still in limerence for her. I am certain she saw as nothing more than a co-worker. And the other co-workers in her office just chalked me up as having a crush on her. Proof the limerence changed my behavior. But even if she hadn’t quit I am not sure I could have maintained a healthy co-worker relationship upon the chance I still found out about limerence. Understanding what was happening to me and doing the right thing would have been two different things.
As to getting rid of the limerence it obviously helped that she left the job. She has only made contact with me once about 2 months after she left. And that was her initiation. Since there has been no contact. Which I am determined to maintain on my end at least.
I would say a good start is that you recognize what is happening before it gets deep. I didn’t. And so I swam in it. Not proud of that. As not knowing what limerence was and what it was doing to me, in the back of my head I still knew things were spiraling into the “crossing the line” territory for a married man. And also in my 40’s she was much younger than me.
I do not know your relationship status or where you want it to be. But when I found out about limerence I tried to engage more with my wife. Even if it was just to be in the same room as her. Sit with her on the couch even if I was watching TV and she was on her laptop. As Dr L puts forth purposeful living is a good start. And so I purposefully engaged with my wife.
I also disclosed to her about limerence. Because she knew something was up before that disclosure so it seemed necessary to do so. All this was to purposefully expose myself to her so that she could now know from that point on that I wasn’t trying to hide anything from her as I had before.
There are others here that can help you better with your work situation. There are posters here that still work with their LO even after discovering limerence. Or others, like you too, that have experienced limerence more than once. Mine was the first and hopefully the last. As I am still in recovery to a point. Welcome to LwL and best of luck with getting the advice you need and in your journey through this limerent episode.
Hi @Wilde
Luckily, you recognised it early. And are prepared to take evasive action before it crystallises.
You are doing all the right things already. Keep reading the blog posts on limerence for a co worker, etc. – though it sounds as if you are already well informed due to past experience. This will strengthen your resolve.
But resolve will only take you so far, due to his proximity.
Is the job B still open? Or a role switch inside job A? I am serious about this… only you know how necessary such a drastic step might be. However it seems as though it might save a lot of heartache.
All power to you!
💪🤞😓
From reading around here for a while, I think I am/was/still am in limerence, with my boss (married with kids) – I am also in a long term relationship. I think its possible he was mutually limerent with me, but I also think that the situation has devolved into a mutual resentment (its v. toxic).
So I was attracted to him from the start, in the job interview itself. And when I first joined the office, between a combination of finding him attractive (he is my type, and I’ve always been into my male bosses as a power dynamic thing – though I’ve never acted upon it), and also just generally wanting to impress in the new office, I developed a crush.
I knew it was inappropriate, and didn’t really expect/want anything to happen, outside of the occasional fantasy. Every so often, I would wonder if he could possibly be attracted to me (and very occasionally thought I saw signs), but he seemed not very interested and quite distant, so I put it down to my own preojection.
The crush died down for a while, but because I had found myself a bit socially awkward around him, the social awkwardness then persisted, and I was annoyed at myself for not having a better relationship (at this stage, things were exclusively professional).
Then for some reason, several months later, it flared up MASSIVELY. Like intrusive thoughts, obsession, dreaming, it dominated my life completely, I couldn’t think about anything besides him. I was terrified of accidentally giving it away, that he would somehow find out.
And then, he did (I think – from this point here, everything is unspoken).
We were on a staff night out, we didn’t really speak, but we were going to the same train station (we live absurdly close to each other), so it was just us. We had a very superficial conversation, and then I went to go for my train. And then, I turned back (like the girls do in movies) – this wasn’t planned or anything. And he was staring at me. And we made eye contact.
And then in the weeks after that, oh my god, it seemed he had a massive crush on me. He would obviously look at my body, my lips etc, etc. He was very flirtatious and I flirted back. He did this thing where he seemed to mention my name all the time, like every five minutes. He started praising me hugely for my work. He stared at me endlessly – the eye contact was intense. He suddenly wanted me to come on a work trip, with another colleague thankfully, but still driving in his car for 12 hours.
And I felt massively torn – because obviously I wanted him right (more than anyone or thing I’ve ever wanted), and it felt so reciprocated. But the whole married with kids thing, my own relationship (which has its problems), the potential reputational damage in terms of my career (he is very senior, I’m quite junior and am at early career stages), and also apparently everyone I know through work (and also family members) know his wife (who is in the same organisation as both of us, and also very senior, and also wealthy).
So when he sent me messages after work, messages that I didn’t need to respond to, and were ostensibly about work, but seemed like they might segue into messaging – I Did Not Respond. Though I wanted to. It seemed to much of a bad move.
the first time I didn’t respond, I remember he was obviously angry the next day.
The next few months, were a bit like this – we would both kind of avoid each other, but when we didn’t we would flirt, the eye contact would be insane, and there would be these moments, where I just felt something had to happen. And then we’d avoid each other again.
The last time that happened, we both went to another work party, and at the start of the night we were on opposite sides of the room, and then slowly but surely, I could see him get closer and closer to me, until we were right beside each other, talking, and then we stayed beside each other for the rest of the night, talking, and I remember his legs kept knocking against mine under the table. And I remember thinking that if something happened, I was going to let it happen.
Subsequently, he went on holiday for 3 weeks, and when he came back it seemed he’d decided to avoid me properly.
This is where work becomes relevant.
I had been assigned a huge project, that arguably was too big for me, too challenging, and i wasn’t getting enough support/direction from him/the unit generally.
So while, I suppose I could understand him ignoring me generally, it was really unhelpful in the context of my actual work, which was hugely stressful (I was coming into work crying, I was cancelling holidays, etc, etc). And (while it probably was also not liking being rejected) I was genuinely annoyed with him on a professional level, and due to various circumstances (also my dad was sick around this time), under a lot of pressure and really really angry.
So there was about two weeks, where I was in the office and I was very angry, because I was so stressed, and there was a point of conflict between us (unrelated to the personal stuff, a work thing), and after this point, he transitioned from ignoring/neglecting me, but also being nice/encouraging, to being quietly dickish. It’s become completely toxic.
This has been since September. Since then he has:
– For my project, at the launch, praised everyone specifically but me (deliberately, glaring at me afterwards)
– Before that, providing no support – this was a huge new initiative, the whole day before the launch he was out of the office, and only checked in at 6.30 for a 2 minute call
– Seemingly been semi-normal (he can fake it when he wants to)
– Shown exactly no interest in my project, but then today told me that what planned for next stage was shit
– We had this one thing where I had a deadline the next day, he came out to talk to everyone else about their deadlines which were much later and made a big deal about how important they were, and then asked me 2 questions about mine, which he then ignored
– There is now someone else (senior to me/junior to him) working on my project as well, and they have started doing this thing where they exclude me from calls – even though she has only been here a month and is not fully over the project, like I am
– Sometimes I’ll just turn around and see him glaring at me
– Barely give any credit/praise – to the point where other colleagues notice and talk about this. (One of my colleagues who openly admits he doesn’t work as hard as me, said that he was surprised at the praise he got, because I didn’t get any praise)
For the record, I’ve been killing myself for this project – working till 8.30/9pm etc, on Friday nights, and despite the lack of support, have managed to get this project to a good state etc – and its just like whatever.
I’ve since got a new job (fingers crossed), waiting for clearance etc, which he has found out about and is apparently delighted that I’m going. But to the point, where he’s pushing me to tell the team, so that they can advertise for a replacement for me.
I feel constantly that he’s constantly doing all these small things (thing that I register but I can’t call him up on, because they are so subtle/snide) to hurt me – and they do, honestly.
Because despite all this, I’m still really really attracted to him, fantasise about him , and even feel sorry for him, because I would imagine that he’s lashing out because he’s hurting, because he felt something.
But I need to get out of there, 100%.
While I probably shouldn’t have flirted when I did, and while I probably should have managed my anger better than I did, equally, I also feel that I was human, and I also mostly tried to make the right decisions. Like I deliberately chose not to text him, I did try to avoid him (and tried to minimise eye contact). Flirting isn’t a crime and neither is being angry when you’re stressed and unsupported.
But I’m not sure what else I could have done differently, and honestly, it sucks that I didn’t get what/who I wanted, I did ultimately make the ‘ethical/sensible decision’, and yet I still got burned, in terms of how he has treated me. I feel very bitter about the whole thing.
Princess Leia,
It’s very good that you have another job lined up.
You have to get out of there, it sounds really annoying and unfair.
Maybe he‘s angry because you wouldn’t respond the way he would have liked, maybe he is angry with himself because he was weak and feels guilty because of his wife, and blames you for it, whatever.
In any case, don’t feel sorry for him- even if he is hurting because he feels rejected, he shouldn’t let this affect work in this big style. He damages your career.
It sounds immature and bullying, please forget about that guy and move on.
He sounds like a jerk who could not stand being rejected (which is how your hot and cold behavior could be construed) and he retaliated in the professional sphere – which is a very unprofessional thing to do. You have to get out or your career could be damaged. I am sorry you had to go through this.
Thanks Mila and Concerned.
Like I know that you are right, and I’m in the process of trying to get out of there. And I know objectively that he has treated me badly, on a lot of different levels. I wish I could forget about him and move on.
What I’m struggling with most is that conflict between knowing the above on a rational level, and then my continued feelings/desire for him, which persists regardless.
Like I’m still fantasising about him, the whole time. And every little thing he does or doesn’t do, hurts. Oddly, it hurts more whenever he is occasionally nice/normal to me, because I’m not sure if he’s pretending, and in a weird way it gives me false hope.
It just feels like I have this entrenched obsession with this man, with whom its clear it will never happen, and who now seems to hate/bully me, and I can’t shake it.
In my scrambled brain, its like, i’m taking his hatred of me as evidence of leftover passion, and feeding off that – like he’s angry because he can’t have me, and that makes me more obsessed.
None of this is healthy, and between this toxic relationship that i can’t (yet) get away from, the resultant joyless stressful slog that is work that I have to face every day, its just wearing me down.
I’m presuming that when I eventually leave and go NC that things will eventually subside and go away. I know I have to prioritise my career, and that is what I am doing by trying to take this job and get out.
Yes, you need to get out of there. Sounds like a toxic place to be each day. Even if LO was being normal with you like any other employee, your being around him is fueling your LE. You probably need to leave the company and him to rid yourself of the limerence. Sounds like the job isn’t all that anyway.
From the opposite perspective, I am the boss to my LO. There are plenty of times she seems to ignore me or act completely indifferent to me that really frustrate me but I would NEVER punish her professionally for it. That seems so cruel and immature to me. I take great care to treat her in a normal fashion professionally.
It’s a bit interesting to me that you purposefully did not text your boss back those times he texted about work matters. Did you perceive texting as a slippery slope that might lead to an EA or potential PA and you did not want to go there? I applaud you for it, that took incredible discipline on your part.
My LO and I have had past texting episodes but not so much anymore. But I still push those boundaries sometimes because I so badly want to have connection with her outside normal office interactions. She typically doesn’t engage back much and after a few brief replies on her part I get the hint and stop. I sometimes wonder how much she is actively trying to kill off texting between us.
Speedwagon hi,
“But I still push those boundaries sometimes because I so badly want to have connection with her outside normal office interaction. She typically doesn’t engage back much and after a few brief replies on her part I get the hint and stop.”
Speedwagon, that’s a tell tale text showing you
still have a flicker of hope that your LO might have had some reciprocation even if it was temporarily. And you’re anxious to have that information so you can at least relax and let go of it, ( the LE) that’s tormenting your mind. And what would you do with that information as Limerent Emeritus would ask? Well, I’d say, it will give you a great satisfaction that your endeavors on pursuing LO were not in vain, and that even if it is not possible to consummate it , STILL the feeling that there’s someone that you loved and wanted dearly is there in the world who loves, or loved you back ( somehow), is exhilarating , a sense of peace, and ultimately closure of the whole darned thing! I’m just ruminating for you Speedwagon, ha! It may be the wrong assessment. Forgive my intrusion. I just want LO to show you a little affection , or at least gratitude for your kindness. But that would be fueling the limerence…
I tried and failed at this friend’s thing after being truly convinced it would be possible. It still maybe in the very long run but what I wasn’t prepared for is what came after Limerence. The after-effects…
I turned to heal myself by every means possible and the one I thought was the most effective was Discord Friends. I wasn’t prepared for what I found out.
The reflections and self-assessment I’ve had to do over the last few months had me self-analysing my life. It turns out I don’t even know myself, my true self. It took 5 other poeple on Discord to put me in my place. It seems I have a self-destructive streak in me. Right from that relationship I destroyed once before when I was 20. From there I’ve been destroying my friendships ever since. I’m a “griefer”, seeking sympathy without empathy. I’m Codependent and “need to get my shit together” and judge friendships too quickly. Perhaps I’m just damaged and can’t do this friendship thing after all.
It turns out they are half right. I do indeed seek attention from others. It may be to cushion what’s going on in my life. It is undoubtedly to feel better. It doesn’t work most of the time. I have lost half of my “contacts” on Discord through my own doing. It will soon be 6 out of 10, down to 4. 1 of whom I count to be a true friend. The others I’m still working through to find if they stick and get me and I don’t push them away.
It’s leftover trauma from Limerance. I’m seeking “hits”, I’m honestly trying not to. Subconsciously though I get those hits from bad behaviour and social ineptitude. Mostly destroying friendships before they start. I can’t afford a therapist but realize my behaviours.
I guess I’m just asking if this happened to anyone else.
I ponder this question, although i know currently i have not been in the No Contact stage for near long enough. … BUT i do wonder: Is it Possible to EVER Be Friends Again with Your LO After Your Obsession and “Need” for Them is Over?
I was ‘friends’ with my LO for about 7 years before limerence took over. I met her on a ‘Last Rites’ trip i had taken to South America (we both live in the USA) and had every intention of ending my life upon my return ,,, but she kept creeping into my mind and i wanted to see her one more time, which led to me setting up a reunion with the group that all met in SA. And without her knowing it she advertently saved me just by being her, she just made me feel happy when i was near her. I did not tell her any of this. We traveled with that small group on several occasions to several countries and US states over a period of a few years. She lives and lived at that time in a different state than I do and other than those few trips I would never see her in person. Our contact was pretty much messaging each other on FB on occasion and the commenting and reactions on that same site. We would discuss such things as intimate as her break-up with her boyfriend, etc. Always had a non-romantic crush on her but never had her on my mind all the time. Enjoyed our Messenger talks and would feel good when she would comment on a FB post or whatever. YES, I never had romantic feelings for her, just wanted to be around her as she lit up the room, was (is) genuinely kind and compassionate, and just made me feel good about myself as I’ve spent most of my adult life lonely and alone (I’m 59) due to both being a nationwide contractor living in strange cities with no local friends and also because i suffer from depression and well, don’t know how to love like normal people (controlling and possessive and I don’t like i turn into that guy) so I’ve usually avoided putting myself into a position where i might meet someone i like romantically. … and then one day my LO (before she was my LO) told me she didn’t feel desired in her current marriage and I made the mistake of crossing the line by telling her i always had a ‘crush’ on her and how sweet and pretty and freaking HOT she is and well, crossed the line with a comment about her naked hotness (and yet i never thought about sex with her and that’s the truth) and BAM she blocked me for 3 months. In that 3 months i literally fell apart, even surprising myself on the giant hole left in my heart she once filled. But she came back into my life and over the following 2 years (2021-2023) we became much closer and talked online all the time and before i knew it I was full-blown obsessed with her, could not get enough of her, could not stop thinking about her 24/7 until she could no longer deal with it. It was she who first introduced me to the word Limerence. Never heard of it, and even then she continued to try to be my friend until it was just too much for her. (Mind you she is married with a young child). Still, I never had a romance-fueled fantasy about her, i just wanted her in the same room with me, and someone I could hug when i needed a hug. I’m a lonely man and i know her attention when i received it was like a drug filled with pure joy when talking to her (never on the phone, only in messages). … she would continue to tell me how unhealthy our relationship was for not only me, but for her, too, until it was no longer feasible for her. She tried, oh how she tried to help me, but i was beyond help as long as we were in contact and ‘we’ (she, but i concurred) decided to cut ties for a year so i could get over her. 8 months later and I’m not obsessed with her but i know i am far from being over her. … i hope one day she and i can be friends but i doubt she would want to, nor does she really have a reason to want to be. … its so f’ing hard, but i hope the day comes when i don’t think about her at all and then MAYBE we can be friends like it once was. … thoughts, or am i too late on this thread?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But so many of my LO’s have moved out of my life anyway. I only see them on Facebook, if anywhere. The obsession is long gone but not really being tested like it would if we were in constant contact.
@Bob M,
Your story is filled with emotion. I can tell you really like this person. I’m sorry you seem to be hurting so much over the situation now. As limerents we tend to over-do everything when it comes to how we feel about the other person. Sometimes it’s in that smothering for them, that it’s more than they care to take, so you have to learn to strike a balance. Imagine what it would be like if someone fell hard for you like that and loved being with and around you, but you didn’t feel the same? Relationships are hard. Being limerent for someone is even harder, but it seems here your over-obsessing was too much for her. Of course you mean well and want nothing but the best for her but if they’re not feeling it the same, there’s not much left you can do.
It’s been awhile, so maybe there is a way you could reach out as a friend to her, without going over the top, just to check and see how she’s doing. Maybe you can somehow become friends again. You have some years invested into this person and it might do your psyche some good right now. Thereby giving you some clarity and direction. From that, you can decide if she is worth putting more time into or moving on.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Well said, MJ, but maybe he should let the feelings settle down first. His obsession seems intense.
Bob M, can you try a relationship with a woman your age? A real relationship might help you move on. You mentioned that your relationship skills aren’t great. Well… maybe it is time to work on those skills.
Best wishes!
Bob, I agree with Lovisa. It would not be a wise or healthy choice for you to reach out to her now. Especially since she initiated the 1-year break. Reaching out would only set you back in the progress you have made – which you seem to have, good for you!!
She found something to like about you, that proves you are likeable. You can find someone else who does, you just have to keep your eyes open to opportunities and take steps, however small. You can do it!
LO wasn’t married. I am. That should have been enough, but it wasn’t. Take it from someone two years later still paying the price. Being married or LO being married is a very bad situation. Unless the married person has explicitly voiced their wanting to end their current relationship, nothing good can come from it. Not saying that opposite sex friendships aren’t possible. But when one has eros love for the other there isn’t much chance of it working out on a platonic level.