Limerence music

Super-busy with the day job at the moment, so behind on blogging.

Whenever possible, I work with some background music. Often this needs to be classical (or at least lyric-free) but sometimes YouTube leads me to old-timey treasures that get me thinking  of life, love and limerence. Here are a couple of obviously limerence-inspired classics I’m currently tapping toes to:

44 thoughts on “Limerence music

  1. Hello! Just wanted to say that I came across your site a couple of days ago and have read every post. The info here is so spot on and I’m very grateful that someone has taken the time to articulate this so well, so thank you!! I’ve been limerent since oh, age 5 or 6 (it started with Disney princesses), so about 25 years now. I didn’t realize I was experiencing limerence until last week when I came across the Wikipedia article. I also have OCD which manifests for me as mainly the pure obsessional type, so it’s interesting to see the many parallels with OCD and limerence (how uncertainty drives both and the intrusive thoughts aspect). My OCD seems to have intensified my limerence into an almost minute by minute intrusion where I “sense” that my LO of the moment is observing and judging my behaviors, mannerisms, ect. It’s almost like I’m recreating the feeling of the times that I’m actually in her presence experiencing the rush of her gaze on me. Sometimes I adjust myself until I feel like I’m presenting myself “just right.” It’s like my consciously directed fantasies have become automatic intrusive thoughts where now my LO is always with me (thanks alot brain). I of course don’t actually see her (I’m not psychotic) but it’s super frustrating and causes me a lot of anxiety/shame. I’m hoping to apply some of my OCD recovery skills to this to see what happens. If you have any thoughts or insight into this phenomenon I’d really appreciate any feedback. I wonder if “normal” (non-OCD people) experience this element of limerence or if it’s just my idiosyncratic form. Thanks again!

    Like

    • Thanks for the comment C! You’ve done me the honour of being the first to comment on my quiet corner of the web.

      Re. OCD – I think you are right, there are many interesting parallels. Especially the intrusive thoughts that characterise limerence. Also the sense of the LO being “always with you” and conducting yourself as though they are somehow able to perceive what is happening to you moment by moment (that also happens to me). I can see the big overlap with OCD there too. I hope your recovery strategies work for both.

      Glad you have enjoyed the blog. It’s been on a rather long hiatus, but I have a backlog of ideas to get around to once work finally gives me a break!

      Like

      • Awesome! Thanks so much for the response. You are the first person that I’ve told that has been able to relate and has also experienced the “LO observing you” thing. I’d be interested to hear more about your experience with it if you are open to sharing. It’s super helpful and normalizing to know that I’m not the only one. I wonder if it’s a common symptom of limerence or something separate? I can’t seem to find any info on the web that really describes or explains my experience. Also, I just finished a great book that doesn’t directly reference limerence, but talks a lot about how uncertainty and adversity are necessary ingredients to desire and eroticism. The book is called Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. I know you mentioned her in one of your posts so I’m assuming you’ve read this already? If not I highly recommend!

        Like

  2. Hi C,
    The way you describe your experience sounds very similar to mine. Happily, I’ve got to the point now where I can sort of (affectionately) laugh at myself when I start acting as though LO was with me or observing me. It’s rarer for me nowadays (it was worse when I was younger), and I have reframed it into a opportunity for self improvement – reminding myself that this is actually all coming from within me and my overimaginative brain and that I can choose whether or not to indulge it. Besides, sometimes pretending that I’m trying to impress an imaginary person can result in me behaving better than I would otherwise!

    Like

  3. Two of my favorites….

    Austin Roberts – Something’s Wrong With Me
    V=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzwR0o23rO8

    Phil Collins – Against All Odds

    Like

  4. For me no lyric captures the unending, life and relationship ruining hell of limerence like this line from John Waite’s Missing You:
    “In your world I have no meaning and still I try to understand.”

    Like

    • I’ve always liked that song.

      I’ve had 6-7 dreams about the LO and the thing is, in none of them was I ever anything more to her than a superficial acquaintance. In 2 of them, I wasn’t even able to get her attention.

      When I was working through this with the therapist, she asked about what I wanted from all this. I told her I wanted to know what the LO really thought and felt about me., if anything.

      She asked, “And, what would you do with that knowledge if you had it?”

      Like

      • Good question! Although knowing could possibly help with resolving limerence one way or the other, the only important thing is what you want to do. It’s the purposeful living principle in action: decide what you want from your life, act accordingly, and accept that you can’t control (or even predict) other people’s behaviour. Also, in reality, it’s likely that you would get an ambiguous answer if you disclosed – many people (especially LO’s?) don’t really know what they feel or want, so they aren’t even necessarily being dishonest. Not sure if there’s any sensible way to respond to that knowledge…

        Like

      • I went to a sex ed class the other night about how to have ethical casual sex and the instructor brought up limerence and ways to manage it. He said that limerence is a natural endorphin high that happens (pair bonding) and that there are protocols to use to prevent it from taking over, esp if you know that the person you’re hooking up with is not available for anything more than casual (or that you aren’t wanting more than casual either). I liked how he said that when he finds himself becoming limerent he’ll notice what’s happening, message the person and say “hey so I’ve got these limerent feels but I can contain them and I know it’s my brain – just FYI since I just liked 14 of your fb posts lol. See you next month! So yeah the protocols are basically hook up only once a month, no sleepovers, and very little to no contact in between. I liked how non judgemental and accepting he was about how limerence is a natural phenomenon that we just have to be mindful of and decide how much we can and are willing to experience when the LO is not an ideal match. It helped me normalize my recent limerent episode and feel less weird about deleting her from all social media when she kept giving me ambiguous answers. If she ever asks why I deleted her I will just tell her the truth! I was crushing on her and it’s the boundaries I needed to manage my brain state lol. Anyways just wanted to share and hope that helps! The sex ed guys website is Reidaboutsex.com.

        Like

  5. Oh he also said that healthy limerence is when you don’t need a response from the lo or for them to feel the same way – you just accept the feelings and projections and roll with it and learn whatever it is it’s trying to teach you about your desires!

    Like

    • Sounds like an interesting class! I’ve never got to the point of thinking in terms of protocols, but it appeals to my analytical mind.

      I have to add though, that it seems like a pretty determined attempt to ensure that he never bonds with anyone… I’m all for managing limerence when it’s for an inappropriate partner, but I would probably adopt a simpler protocol: don’t have sex with people you definitely don’t want to bond with. Old school, I know.

      Like

  6. “Also, in reality, it’s likely that you would get an ambiguous answer if you disclosed – many people (especially LO’s?) don’t really know what they feel or want, so they aren’t even necessarily being dishonest. Not sure if there’s any sensible way to respond to that knowledge…”

    I did disclose. Instead of ending things, she came back with “I had no idea. I’m flattered and under different circumstances, I might even be curious. But, circumstances are what they are.” (i.e., I’m married)

    Instead of snuffing any hope, she opened the throttle. We went back and forth for awhile. In one exchange, I directly compared her to LO #1. She didn’t seem to like that much and cited it in her eventual goodbye.

    I think the implicit question behind the therapist’s question was if she said she felt the same way, would I be willing to destroy my marriage to pursue it. Since the answer was I wasn’t looking for trouble and wouldn’t destroy my marriage, I didn’t need to know that information since I didn’t intend to act on it.

    The more I learn the more limerence applies.

    Like

  7. I heard this on the radio the other day.

    A good play list is like a well -adjusted hit of nitrous oxide. You can get a nice buzz and still come out clean.

    Like

  8. Time-Life Records is proud to announce it’s new release, “Limerence!” In this 3 CD set, you’ll get the best songs covering the 3 phases of Limerence, the Glimmer, the Response, and Uncertainty. Order within the next 15 minutes, and we’ll include 2 bonus CDs covering Integrity, Rationalization, Relapse, and Infidelity. That’s 5CDs for only $39.95!

    You’ll get this timeless classic from 1958!

    Shipping is free!

    Like

  9. For a serious subject, these Supremes tunes are pretty catchy!

    “Hey life, look at me
    I can see the reality
    ‘Cause when you shook me, took me, outta my world
    I woke up
    Suddenly I just woke up to the happening”

    This one could be the anthem for serial limerents:

    “Keep falling in and out of love
    In search for what I’m dreaming of
    I long to find a love I’m sure about
    That certain kind of love that moves all doubts”

    Like

  10. This is the only song I’ve found that has both the Limerent and the LO in it.

    My mother took me to see the movie when I was a kid.

    Like

  11. Thinking about saying “Good-bye” to your LO? There’s music for that.

    Want one last dopamine hit first? For romantic reverie, I thought French was good but Italian is better. Try this one (Caution: This one is pretty narcy.):

    And this classic from the 60s (somewhat less narcy):

    I thought about linking the last one in my response to LO #4s “Goodbye” but better judgment won out.

    Like

  12. I have just found this website and discovered limerence, it explains so much about my life, Im going through leaving my LO2 and most powerful LO.
    My favorite song of all time and relates to the times before you ever had an LO or at times when they are suppressed

    Like

  13. How could we have missed this one?

    I read an excerpt from “9-1/2 Weeks” back in the 70s. The book was a precursor to “50 Shades of Grey.” The subsequent movie was “bleahh” (unless you were into Kim Basinger, in which case you probably loved it) but it had a killer soundtrack. My favorite is this one:

    “The storm is breaking, so it seems,
    We’re too young to reason, too grown up to dream…”

    I was in the car with LO #2 one day. She was singing along with it but the words were a little off. I asked her what she was singing. She said, “Safe to love.” When I told her that wasn’t quite it, she just went, “Oh….”

    Like

  14. Mr. Lee remarked that he felt like he was going under. He said I was, “Good for me and the right choice.” In a flat tone on our 25th anniversary after I gave him a gift. I didn’t receive one in return. Not even a note or a card.

    Ouch. I feel like cod liver oil or something.

    Like

    • Does he realize how demeaning that was? On your 25th anniversary?

      LO #2 could be really demeaning at times and I was never able to determine if she was clueless, naive, or just flat out arrogant to the point she thought I’d just take it. Even though I never detected the faintest hint of malice or vindictiveness in her and I explained it to her, she didn’t change her behavior, I concluded it had to be the third one. Then, again, she’s the one who I have two professional opinions had a PD. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t live with it.

      Did you deck him? I think I would have had a tough time not unloading.

      Like

    • I didn’t deck him, but I did tell him that the door was wide open. I’m not a figure of pity, most particularly in my marriage.

      I’ve changed allocations on my life insurance, etc. though. He can go wine & dine other women on his salary. Now or in the future. Our adult kids can inherit my money.

      We’ll see. His self-pity has kicked into high gear but my interest is low.

      So, music in a minor key while I think about my options. Relationship calculus.

      Like

      • Agreed that these songs explicitly deal with long-lost loves, but with a slightly tweaked interpretation they really capture the experience of being overpowered by feelings you’d rather have left in the past, but nevertheless find irresistible.

        Thanks for the tunes, everyone!

        Like

    • Haven’t heard that one in a long time.

      While we’re on the subject of the 3 Rs, Rumination, Rationalization, & Relapse, here are two from the immortal Ray Charles (who I saw in concert in 1987 after breaking up with LO #2).

      “Sing the song, children…”

      LO #2 reappeared a few months after the concert (I really love the organ accompanying Ray Charles on this one):

      Like

  15. Possibly a bit of an odd choice as it’s upbeat and doesn’t get the painful side, but for me “like happiness and love revolve around you” struck a chord.

    Like

  16. This one should be the theme of this thread:

    “The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you and it feels so good to hurt so bad…,”

    Like

  17. The Twilight Zone episode, “The Nick of Time,” is really profound. Limerence can take over your life like the Mystic Seer in the story does for the people who encounter it. Pay attention to the ending.

    Which one will you be?

    Like

  18. The limerent’s dilemma:

    It really only came into play once in my life. I made a choice and I still can see that woman standing in my living room with tears streaming down her cheeks and saying. “She’s (LO #2) using you.”

    My response to her was, “That’s a chance I have to take.” I don’t regret the decision but if I could get to do one thing over in my life, I would spare her the pain I caused her.

    Like

  19. I can’t find any music to go with this, but let your imagination go to work when thinking about the potential effects of limerence on yourself and those around you.

    “1969 August 20 CAMILLE. The strongest hurricane to hit the United States in modern meteorological times. After making landfall in Mississippi as a Category 5 on August 17, it weakened rapidly as it moved northward. Camille came back to life as it moved eastward into Virginia. On August 19, torrential rains lasting more than eight hours caused flash floods and mudslides along the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Early on the 20th, Camille intensified as it passed south of Roanoke and Lynchburg. Rainfall increased rapidly to the northeast of the low-pressure center along the western slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Downtown Waynesboro was submerged under 8 feet of water from the South River. In Amherst and Nelson Counties, many communities were partially destroyed along with highways, bridges, utilities, and railways. In Nelson County, Camille dumped 31 inches of rain in six hours and more than 133 bridges were wiped out. Residents remembered the rain as resembling a massive waterfall. The rainfall continued to increase on the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains, reaching catastrophic proportions. These flash floods and landslides constituted the worst natural disaster ever to affect the state of Virginia. Most residents were asleep during the storm, which had been unpredicted. There was no way to warn anyone of the impending catastrophe, because phone lines were obliterated along with everything else by flash floods barreling down creeks and rivers. At least 153 Virginians lost their lives in Camille; of these, 126 were residents of Nelson County. After the storm, only one highway in Virginia remained intact. Camille moved off the coast on the afternoon of the 20th.”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s