Sometimes a crush can become so powerful that it dominates your life. If you just can’t get them out of your head, can’t free yourself from their magnetic attraction, and just aren’t able to move on, it is likely you have fallen into a state of limerence.
The reason you can’t get over your crush is that you have accidentally trained yourself into a mental habit of constantly seeking them. The excitement and euphoria of that initial romantic connection makes them the central focus of your life, and because it feels so intoxicating and good, you don’t resist. But if you cultivate that crush for too long, it can turn into something closer to an addiction. Without realising it, you program yourself into a mental fixation that is very hard to shake off.
Romantic attachment is one of the most powerful emotional drives that people have. It’s hugely rewarding. A whole cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones conspire to give you a massive natural high of bliss, because the prospect of bonding with this amazing other person is so appealing.
Normally, this is a good spur to get you amorous, and motivate you to seek more of their company, get to know them, and see whether they might possibly feel the same way and… be up to get down.
But, life being what it is, most crushes go nowhere. For one reason or another, things don’t work out. They are not available, or you are not available, or they are not interested in anything more than friendship. If you can sort this all out quickly, then the prospects for getting over the crush are good. If you express your feelings, and they either reciprocate (hooray!) or give you an unambiguous rejection (boo!), then you at least have the satisfaction of knowing you were courageous enough to try, but it was a romantic dead end.
Unfortunately, real life is often messier. Maybe you were too inhibited to express your feelings and end up in a confusing friendzone. Maybe there are barriers that mean you cannot start a relationship with your crush. Maybe they give you mixed messages – classics include “things are complicated for me right now,” or “I do have feelings for you, but I’m not ready for anything serious,” or “you should stay away from me; I’m bad news!”
That combination of hope with uncertainty is the catalyst for a crush that just won’t die. They give you some hints of attraction, but it comes with enough uncertainty that you just can’t figure out what they want. Or you want.
That makes them the central focus of your internal world. Not only are they dreamy and intoxicating, they are also a riddle to be solved.
An embarrassing amount of your mental energy and time is spent analysing the “relationship” with forensic precision. Reliving times when you were together, rehearsing possible conversations for the next time you’re together, scrutinising texts and emails for deeper meaning, or just plain fantasising about how you and they can end up clasped in blissful union.
So far, so typical – this is what it feels like to get infatuated. But a crush you can’t get over eventually turns sour. You start to get obsessed. You find it hard to concentrate on other things. You crave them – in an unhealthy way that feels like a compulsion more than a reward. In time, the pleasant daydreams turn into intrusive thoughts that won’t leave you alone.
This has gone beyond a crush. This is something else.
Limerence
A crush you can’t get over is a pretty good description for a psychological phenomenon known as limerence. The concept was defined by Professor Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, following her research into romantic attachment and the infatuation that some people suffer during the early stages of love.
Her ideas proved controversial. Some dismissed them as obvious – simply the invention of an unnecessary new word to describe the symptoms of falling in love. Others were outright sceptical that anyone could be so romantically neurotic, or attach so much emotional importance to another person. Bluntly, people who had experienced limerence had no difficulty accepting its validity, those who had not viewed it as a mental disorder.
With an extra half century of scientific endeavour since Tennov’s social psychology work, we are now able to understand the behavioural observations she made in terms of neuroscience.
The best way to understand limerence is as addiction to another person. You find your crush so intoxicating, it feels impossible to resist their lure. Once you are hooked, you can think of nothing else. When being with them used to make you high, now you need contact just to feel normal. You find it hard to concentrate on everyday tasks. You neglect responsibilities.
And this is often a hidden obsession you feel guilty about – not trusting anyone with a secret shame that you sense is unhinged.
Limerence is an altered mental state that we accidentally train ourselves into by feeding our subconscious the message: your crush is rewarding. Seek more of them.
Overcoming limerence
OK. If you’ve read this far, chances are this all strikes a chord with you. What now?
Well, understanding limerence as addiction to another person isn’t just a useful analogy, it also helps focus on ways to fight back. This site is all about understanding limerence, finding ways to counteract it, and ultimately, integrating it into life in a healthy and purposeful way.
The best way to start on that project is to work your way through the key posts:
- What is limerence
- How does limerence begin?
- The neuroscience of limerence
- Person addiction
- How to get rid of limerence
- The best cure for limerence
- What to do if you are married but limerent for someone else
Those articles take you through the essential knowledge needed to both understand what is going on in your head during a crush that just won’t quit, and how to practically take action to fix the problem.
The resources page is another good jumping off point. That collects the wisdom of the last few years of limerence labour in one place.
And last, but by no means least, the community of fellow limerents at Living with Limerence are an endless source of wisdom and support. Jump into the comments section or private forum for pep talks and war stories.
You can get over a crush. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. Understanding it is the first step on the road to recovery.
I just want to welcome anyone who is new to this site. I learned about limerence 2 years ago, and it diagnosed perfectly my experience. I am at the end of a limerent episode that completely upended my life. I’m married and became mutually limerent for a married man who I trained with. It was one of the most amazing, disruptive, euphoric and devestating events in my life. After a short EA and discovery by my spouse, I cut contact with my limerent object and attempted to heal and repair my marriage. It quickly became apparent that my brain and heart hadn’t gotten the memo that it was over, and I started looking for help. That’s when I found this community. It’s not an exaggeration to say that this site , and the information and tools that I’ve found here, has been a lifesaver. When I got here my limerence was on 15 out of 10- today I’m at a 3-4. My marriage is healing and has, in many ways, never been better. I also feel that I’ve learned so much that I’m armed in case this ever begins to happen again. If you think that these articles describe you, you’ve found an amazing place to work through them.
Agree to all the above, Jane! Same with me about the marriage and NC. Even my timeframe and limerence level are where you are. There is comfort in the camaraderie of finding one’s tribe. Afterall, it was a terrifying realization that the mood swings and hits of euphoria were tied to a person — and such an oh so wrong person under the circumstances.
It’s all getting better instead of bitter, and I am significantly better armed with tools for a meaningful life and marriage. Thank you DrL! I LOVE this website and the support it gives to help with the unexpected complications of life!
I see my crush most days now, and I was over her, but now,not so much. She and I have been friends for over 4 years now, and I have crushed on her on and off the last year. I need help. She doesn’t know. I feel like she has sent me signals accidentally, but I don’t know if she meant them.
I saw my crush two years ago but still now I love him and I think him every day. I want to forget him but I can’t .
Wow I hope I can get there too some day. My obsessive thoughts are getting worse and worse and no contact has been horrible. My LO was my trainer too and I I crushed on him for 6 years. Last year I did something I never thought I would do and had an affair with him. Even though he said he didn’t want a relationship I convinced myself he cared for me and would change his mind. It was on and off for the last year and I ended it finally new years. All I wish is that my LO would reach out to me and ask me back even though I know deep down I would lose everything my family my husband just to be with him. My craving for his attention and validation has left me with no self esteem and I’m scared I will never get out of it. It has become the only thing that I think of day and night. I unfollowed him but can’t seem to block him because it physically hurts knowing I can never see him again. He never even seem affected by it and here I am crying all the time… it makes me feel so crazy
Cat, you will get through this. You will find what works for you. Hang in there.
I just had a thought. If he was your trainer and you don’t see him now, I wonder if your exercise habits have changed. A change in diet, exercise or sleep will effect mood.
Thanks Jane and Hope for your comments.
It’s great to hear that the site has helped you through life’s complications!
Yes, if you found this site, it probably means you really need it. The advice, if you follow it, will guide you threw the very rough waters of limerence. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it will be easy. If you have got it bad, it will take all your tools to extricate yourself – and probably a considerable amount of time. That is not what I wanted to hear at the outset. I think it can be shortened if you are lucky enough to find some other affection, or real purposeful living, you may soften the impact. But one thing is for sure, it will be a bumpy road with plenty of setbacks. You are going to have to be kind to yourself – and also kind to others – that will help. The limerent space is hostile and uninhabitable.I wish you luck on your journey back into a state of well-being or letgo. That is where you can really live.
Hello, friend. Just found your site and shocked me that just today I felt this strong sensation seeing my crush laughing drinking with “her new friends”
She was “a friend” who never committed to anything but a a drink with me. I thought i had a chance. But then she ignored my song links, etc.
So I said goodbye in an understanding way. She said
“Your message is well written. ” Find your dream.”
Three days ago we see each other and just a look from her. Its what i wanted. No contact.
Now has shown up 3 times
Where i hang out. But she said she never hung out in bars. It killed me to see her.
She seemed to be extra cheerful. We didnt talk. We ignored each other
By the way. We are both separated from our exes
years ago.
I struggle on a few points these days. I am slowly putting some distance between myself and LO; just baby steps. Less messaging, no meeting, etc. It feels right. BUT…our circles are pretty close, and neighborhoods, and contacts of all sorts. I am curious to hear from anyone who recovered from limerence while not having the luxury of being able to completely disconnect from LO. I am so envious of those people whose LO just got up and moved away haha…I suppose then we would still pine after them and imagine what a wonderful life they are having.
Hi Steve, there are some blogs on this site that give advice on how to slowly disentangle. I didn’t have much luck with that and eventually had to go completely NC. That included mutual acquaintances because messages were being passed. Full disclosure to SO ended up being the driving force. He recognized the mess I was in and insisted on NC. I agreed … it was my bottom. The LE, at least to this intensity, was a very rare occasion, but now I do see a (what I thought was beneign) pattern that needs addressed. Hard work ahead, but I’m hoping the payoff will be sanity and serenity — at the very least — awareness to danger and how to back away safely like you are doing. I wish you luck, and keep reading all you can about what constitutes healthiness to recognize situations that warrant a hasty retreat sooner! 😊
I live very close to my LO, and in these two years of NC I still see him close to every week- sometimes more. It isn’t ideal, but I am still recovering. It can be done. I really believe that recovery is a matter of absolute willingness rather than circumstance.
And Holly- yes to all of the above. This limerent bottom for me absolutely exposed some things that have been there for me for a long time, and it’s giving me that chance to deal with them finally. I look forward to the best years ahead!
Song of the Day (redux): “Guadalcanal March” – “Victory At Sea” (1959)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chxtUvDh8Jw
🙂
Oh my gosh!!! HOPE, not Holly. Sorry!!!!!
I just found this site yesterday. Wish I’d know about limerence three-and-a-bit years ago, but better late than never and I guess I’ve learned a lot from fumbling my way through it. Maybe.
Anyway, I’ve just started reading through your excellent writings but wanted to reach out and say thank you for what you’re sharing, here. It’s validating and empowering to know I’m really not alone in this experience. Just like quitting alcohol and nicotine years ago, because they were making me ill, I now resolve to abstain from addictive connections with others, for the same reason.
Do you recommend reading through in chronological order or just dive in and click on the headings that look interesting?
Ugh, sorry, I posted before I’d read this entire article through (I’d read several others previously). Thanks again 🙂
I’ve been reading this site for a few months, and it’s been really helpful.
I am married. I am deep in limerence with another woman. Me and my LO became very close during lockdown last year. We share similar interests and hobbies. We developed a mutual attraction. I began to depend on her, to obsess about her, and to crave her. My LO felt the same way. I realized I had slipped into an emotional affair. We discussed this openly, and agreed not to take it any further.
I told my wife about it. We talked through it, talked about what it meant and how to overcome it as a couple. I never pursued anything physical with my LO, and my wife trusts me not to. We’re open about the crush I developed.
But I am still obsessed with my LO. It’s been a year. We’re still very close, we still get coffee together, we still exercise together, we still watch movies together. I still fantasize about her. My wife is very aware of all of this and trusts me to not take it any further. I always talk to my wife and make sure she is comfortable with me seeing my LO before I schedule anything. We have a weekly check in (my wife and I) to see where she’s at emotionally and to see if any behaviors should be changed. I feel like I am managing this well. But I also feel like it is a ticking time bomb.
I am very confused. I feel my body, my mind, and my soul craving this other person. But I trust myself not to give in to any of that. I’m still feeding that part of myself, though. I’m spending a lot of time with my LO. We get closer and closer. It feels like it should be dangerous, or like I should cut off things, but everyone in my life is fully aware of everything that’s happening and trusts each other completely.
That’s quite astonishing your wife is that accepting of your close intimate contact with your LO. It’s wonderful you are able to be that communicative with her about it but how is she coping with it? Does she know you still spend that much time with your LO? I imagine it would be very difficult to get over LO if you are spending that much time with them, and continuing to get closer with them.
Cut contact, maybe change job. That wife you have with so much understanding and sacrifice is the one that deserve all the love and attention.
I loved a girl but she doesn’t like and I cannot concentrate on other work like studies so what should I do
You’ve disclosed I presume. You’ve got to sit back and look at what happened. Take a deep breath. Its over, the supply is gone. It gonna hurt now. Try and stay away from the girl as much as possible, which is no or limited contact. If you are suffering from intrusive thoughts, those will take time to subside, but they will go eventually.
You should probably tell your tutor that you can’t focus on your studies too, maybe they can arrange some extensions or extra help for you to help you catch up, whilst you deal with this.
um. hi. HAHA well im a sixteen year old and its been a whole year since ive had a crush on a guy– my best friend online. and its ridiculous. its absolutely ridiculous how i simply cannot fucking get him out of my mind, its so hard for me to focus everyday because i keep thinking about him romantically yet its just not meant to happen. i cant stop. it just doesnt stop, its all jsut pointless. i think edating is plain masochism + immatureness in teens because 90% of young couples online just break up eventually without fail and (to boot!) do it thru petty arguments and the ilk; it’s just not fated to be taken seriously and love is an important matter to me. its special. i want things to go somewhere but edating is just walking in circles whilst waiting to get tired of it. ive always thought this way yet never had felt such deep feelings for anyone else in my life before– its just so fucking ridiculous man. i feel like i love him but thats too deep and im too young so im bound to be wrong about that. i dont know what to do. i cant distance myself, i just cant and although he seems to like me too surprisingly i push him away because i dont want this exact mental state i find myself in to harm him or our bond in any way, but only repeat the cycle of rentlessly chasing for what he makes me feel. its so tiring. i fuckinh love him but he does this to me and for what? i wish i was normal. i wish i wasnt like this. its all just so messy and theres so many more layers to this but. sorry i guess this article just brought this all to surface i guess. ty for writing about this ♡ its smth that really happens nowadays and im glad im not alone here.
I started going to the gym regularly to lose weight and feel better about myself. Instead, I developed intense feelings for someone there. We started to make eye contact, go the same days, times and look for each other. We never spoke. This went on for a few months. One day he stopped going to the gym or same time. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. I have cried and cried and no matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep replaying what I could’ve done differently. I am deeply depressed. My other problem is that I’m married and the guilt I feel plus the sadness of this loss is becoming unbearable to me. I want to feel normal again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I feel like I’m never going to get closure. I have never felt like this for anyone before. I hope writing this will help me move on.
That feels bad, but in some ways it is a bit lucky, cause you were feeling guilt about this already cause you are married, and so by him happening to not come there anymore it should help reduce it.
For why he might not come there anymore, maybe he reached his weight target, or his work got too busy or like millions of people around the world, he simply stopped caring and gave up on the gym. Also you might be reading too much into going in at the same days and times, cause that what most people do when going to the gym.
To get closure only you can give it to yourself. Sometimes even when someone tells us why they did something, we don’t accept it and still don’t get closure. There are many things you never know the reason for, but we go on and because we close it in more mind.
Best of luck. I hope this helps.
So sorry Mel, that sounds very painful. You are in the right place to recover… read on and you will start to feel better.
I expect you realise by now that your feelings were not for that actual person (as you did not know them) but for an imaginary version of them created in your mind. Letting go of the fantasy is so hard as we come to rely on it to feel good.
I hope you manage to find other ways to feel good and love purposefully.
Wishing you well.
correction… live purposefully
You know what loving purposefully is a good idea too. Loving purposefully, choosing who we love, who we choose to invest our time in properly, not just chasing after the limerence high, but purposefully choosing someone who actually meets our needs and sticking with them and choosing to love them.
Hi Mel… Same thing happened with me.. though i m not married but i m in a committed relationship.. my bf is good to me and a hard to come by type… I too developed feelings for a guy in my gym… And its so hard not to think of him.. we never talked but I was so happy just to be able to see him … Now he has stopped showing up and i m so heartbroken.. I just want to see a glimpse of him anywhere but thats not gonna happen and I want to be loyal to my bf we are in long distance but i will be loyal… So i m trying to forget my LO … Taking a target and studying helped me a lot… Maybe you could do that … Targeting a work or something… I had exams so cracking that became my goal and I was able to forget the feelings… Sometimes it comes back but it’s mild
And what do you do when you dream about this person too. So you fall asleep thinking about them you dream about them then you wake up still thinking about them. So you text them and tell them about dreaming about them you know they like knowing your dreaming about them and can’t get them out of your head. I’m going absolutely crazy thinking about them. Absolutely crazy.
I had an LO I dreamt about every night for YEARS after the relationship was over. Then less often … over 20 years! So, once I knew the relationship was over, no communication about the dreaming. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. Funnily enough, recently they got in touch over social media, and then I realized I was totally over them – and finally the dreams stopped for good.
Have you read https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-dreams/ ?
I’m also married but have a crush on my neighbors friend who recently moved in with my neighbor. We’d see each other every day in passing. At first I wasn’t even attracted to him,but suddenly I started to form this crush. It got so bad one day I was fantasizing about him and [Modesty edit — Dr L]. I know its wrong id never act on it but its very tempting. If see im looking at me and I honestly think we both were attracted to each other. Then one day I didn’t see him not sure if he left town or just moved. I wanted to ask my neighbor where he went but he knows I’m married so he’d look at me like I was wrong which I am but I’m just curious to know what happened to him. I think about him everyday and I always hope I’ll see him in passing but haven’t in a few weeks now probably for the best.
After reading this, I think I am suffering from limerence. I developed a crush with my massage therapist from the spa hotel I go to.
I have known her for 3 years now, and this summer we started talking about more personal stuff, it is usually hard for me to open up, she also said she usually doesn’t talk so openly… we also did some training lessons together, and in the last session I realised I was falling for her.
On the last day of my stay at the spa, after 10 days of seeing her almost every day, we exchanged instagram accounts (she gave it to me on her initiative, I had written mine down on a thank you card) and she said we may see each other at the fair in my city (she lives abt 2 hrs from here) we were both going the next day.
I was glad she wanted to say hi, I was still not sure where this was going or what was it I was feeling, I have been in a relationship for 20 years and I was very confused. But totally hooked.
To my surprise, the next day she totally avoided me at the fair. She clearly saw me but didn’t want to say hi, and turned whenever she saw me, she was there with her friends and it felt so weird, as of they all had been talking (badly) about me.
Afterwards she or I wrote a couple of times on Insta, viewed each other’s stories, but somewhen we stopped communicating and she eventually stopped viewing my stories.
I met her a month later at another place and she avoided me again.
I tried avoiding viewing her stories for a while, but when I think I am getting over her and the fact she totally avoids me or for some reason hates me, she has looked at one story and every time I go back to square one.
I think of her all the time, about what it could have been, about what happened between the day we exchanged IG and the next day when she totally avoided me. Why she got angry (?), what I could have done, or what I can do to solve it, I have been absent at home and not focused, it is driving me crazy. I don’t even know if she is into women…
It all may sound childish or not the biggest issue, I just don’t know how to get over this. I never had this before. Whenever I think I can or am over it, I go back to having a bit of hope that maybe she may like me…
any tips?
Thank you for sharing. My first observation is your connection to her on social media is a trigger for you and you should probably drop your connection with her on there. NC really is the best way to move past this and that means no SM connections.
My other observation is that it could be she had feelings, but maybe she has an SO (you didn’t say) and she must know of your SO and just did not want to get involved with something that compromised her values so she avoided you. It may very be well not be personal to you at all.
There is no way of knowing these things for certain, save an indepth disclosure conversation, but that is not happening so it seems time to work on yourself and go full NC with her. Lots of great resources and encouragement on here to do that.
hi, thank you for your answer.
I have now muted her so she will not appear on my feeds. I can hide my stories from her, so I do not check if she viewed them or go back to square one if she does view them.
I am doubting if I should unfollow/block, as I think it may be rude. We may go to the spa hotel again and even if I do not book her, I may meet her, which may feel ackward? I usually prefer to be kind to people… blocking may be too much..? 🙁
About she liking me: I don’t know really. I of course hoped she did… She is for sure single, because she told me about that. My partner and I keep our relationship “secret” in new places or if we do not know if they are inclusive. But she did ask me on the last day or day before last how we had met, I explained how but no further details about our status, and she mentioned she thought we were work colleagues. I didn’t say anything more in detail… but now that you say it, maybe she did realise there was more.
Still don’t get why she gave me her IG though.. guess I never will.
I keep thinking maybe if we could talk, we could solve things, and be friends.. but I guess it is my mind playing tricks just to keep the fantasy alive.
I realised by reading some info here that it is all mostly a fantasy and the person I have a crush on probably doesn’t even exist…
I will try to avoid SM as much as possible. And try to focus on my life, my partner and try to find out why this happened…
Thank you!!
For me this strikes a chord yet it’s s weird one.
I’m over her from the POV of yes nothing will happen, can happen. Quite clear.
What I’m struggling to overcome is something else- a lack of clarity reasoning wise. Bit mealy mouthed in places.
I periodically lambast her on varied platforms but without giving too much away. More a reasoning thing however.
Hi, my name is Merdi. I was in love with a girl and still in love with her. I just can’t get her out of my head, I couldn’t find any explanations to that but thanks today I finally have an answer. It still hard for me because I’m still thinking about her but at least I know what steps to take if I wanna get her out of my head. For the first time in a while I feel normal, now I know I’m not the only one who experienced this, there is a lot of people out there who experienced it way before I did and there is still people out there experiencing it for the first time. I’m now working on getting through this and I’ll be very glad If I get some support. People I can talk to, people who experienced it and can understand me. Anyway, it was good to finally release what was inside me, I feel a little bit better now.
Long story short….my SO is in a limmerent state. The feeling are not reciprocated but she is our neighbor. He began communicating with her via social media and he read into her responses (his words). I don’t know how to help him as he tells me he no longer has feelings for her but every time I see her it brings up a ton of emotions inside me..what is he thinking about when he sees her? Ect… how do I help him and how do I get over feelings like a consultation prize?
Are you saying that your SO (she) has feelings for you two’s neighbor but he does not have feelings for her? And he initiated the contact with your SO via the internet? Just so I understand correctly.
As far as the feelings you have due to your SO being limerent for someone else; well that would difficult for me to advice as I am in the exact opposite position. My continued limerence for a former co-worker I feel has brought out similar feeling in my wife, I’d imagine. The best thing I can say to that is trying to understand how much of this is involuntary on the part of your SO. And that if your SO is actively making efforts to minimize or completely break communication with her LO I would say that is a good sign that she still has the same feelings for you that she did before the limerence. And that she looking to repair the subconscious damage that she has done to the two of you.
Welcome to our community, SJ! Wow, your story sounds painful. We get many people on this website who experience limerence, it is nice to have the SO’s perspective.
Let me see if I understand your story…
Your husband talked to your neighbor on social media and developed limerence for her, but he says the limerence has settled down. I’m curious about the time frame. 1. How long were they talking (days, weeks, months, years)? 2. When did he learn that she doesn’t have romantic interest in him?
I will try to answer your questions, too. I want you to know that these answers come from a limerent & LO. I have never been the SO in this type of situation.
How can I help my husband?
Be delightful, kind and patient. Your husband experienced a chemical reaction that is comparable to using drugs. I’m serious, limerence feels like a drug. If you are mean to your husband, his stress will increase and he may seek comfort from fantasies about his LO. Your best approach is to be alluring. This is the approach my husband took and it has been quite helpful for our marriage.
Side note, many limerents don’t have sexual fantasies about their LO. The fantasies are daily activities that they imagine sharing with their LO.
I recommend that you watch some Marriage Helper videos on YouTube. They will teach these principles better than I can. I hope you learn how to “work on your PIES.” Because that will help you.
Side note, there is nothing wrong with you, SJ. You did not cause your husband’s limerence. You don’t need to change anything about yourself. But, if you make yourself more alluring, you will have a much better chance of helping your husband get through this. He is biased towards you. You have a huge advantage.
I recommend that you avoid something called the Chump Lady. That group appears to teach hatred. I can’t imagine who would benefit from being hateful.
“… how do I get over feelings like a consultation prize?”
Oh gosh, I don’t know. I’m so sorry you are feeling like that. It would hurt. I don’t have an answer for this, yet, but I will be pondering it.
Good luck! Your situation is one of the healthier ones that I’ve read about on this site. I have a lot of hope for you.
I am glad I have found this. I have a younger man that I am deeply attracted to to the point I ended my marriage. He flirts up a storm with me on regular basis which I have come to realise he is just leading me on. He has rejected me twice now but yet somehow I still hold deep feelings for him. To make it worse I work with him and I am in a position of power. He is a complete player with all women so I am not sure why I even like him. I’m not sure how I will move on but I know I need to somehow. Hurting very badly at the moment
Welcome Sandy, I am glad you found this site. There is extensive information here about what is happening with you, and how to manage it and move on from it. Your story is not different from a lot of us, we have become addicted to someone, like a drug, and it is causing turmoil in our lives. Please soak up all you can from Dr Ls blogs, I have found them to be enlightening, encouraging, and healing.
There is also a lot of experience, current and past, in the people who post comments here. If you need encouragement or have questions or want advice feel free to write something on one of the blog posts.
Oh…and concerning this younger man. Read the blog post on narcissistic LOs. He sounds like he fits the mold.
Gotta agree with Speedwagon. Though narcissists is the nice term that I would personally call this “man”.
I decided to search up why I can’t get over my crush and found out all about límerence it’s really frustrating. I feel stuck bc its my partners brother so I really need to get over it, it feels so wrong and I feel so guilty. We have a family and he has a family. I always ask myself why him lol. I really hope I can get over this!
Hi Ali,
Well, I can only speak for myself but in answer to your question of why you can’t get over him, for me it’s usually because I’m lacking something in my life, which could or couldn’t be to do with my SO, and also because I have this unrelenting need to feel desired by men. So I think you maybe need to look at what this other man is fulfilling in you, or what you think he could fulfill in you. It could be he pays you the kind of attention (not necessarily sexual) that your partner doesn’t, or are you feeling stuck in a rut and need some escapism? Then try and find a healthier way to bring whatever it is into your life.
I am only the voice of reason here because I struggle to put my own insights into practice! There are a lot of supportive people on this group so you’ve made a good step posting here.
I hope you find what you need!
I’ve been in a friend group for 3 years now, and there’s one guy in there that I really, really liked. Every year I asked him out, he rejected me. But I couldn’t get over it and it hurts so much. I have romantic dreams about him at night and I would always look for some sign of if he reciprocated my feelings back. Just last Friday, my BFF got a crush on him and kissed him and he said “thank you” and now I’m heartbroken again. This is so stupid and I just want all of this to end. It’s like a curse honestly. And I can’t just ignore him because he is my friend too. We’re a friend group. Please help me…
Just discovery this website and woah, it feel like im also in limerence state. So, he is foreigner that work in the company I work for but difference dept. The first time I laid eye on him, I felt flutter and had crush on him.
At the beginning he and I talk but did not dare to confess my feeling and fast forward NC due to he for no reason doesnt talk to me. It crush my heart, even though now im try forgetting him there a moments where I suddenly remember the memories we make that i tend feel sad and just cry.
But there’s also many moment where he will weirdly make eye contact with me or even silently stare at me at distance(which weird me out and questioning his intention) as I tend to avoiding him knowing if i ever clash with him, I’ll be the one drowning in feelings (the big S also included) . Now, I try to make recovery by making my self busy with work and talking with those who appreciate me and learning to love my self.
Yes, exactly this “talking with those who appreciate me and learning to love my self”.
Thinking about my LO’s behaviour – the eye contact, the smiles, body language, I probably give these signals out myself too, so it’s possible our LO’s are as confused as we are.
The eye contact today was deliberate from him, I felt, other times it has been the catch of an eye, often awkward, but today there was purpose, and lingering.
I feel like we’re playing a horrible game.
Omg, same as my LO too. Just I never understand his behaviour toward me. Other worker he’ll talk normally including my bestie (same dept as me) but with me sighh nah.
But he tend to make deliberate eye contact which I tend to ignore it but my bestie 100%%% always saw it whenever he pass by my dept. Also I forgot to add, during the initial of NC is when he got GF and that when he start deliberately pass by our dept just to make eye contact💆♂️ . Am I being obsess or what? Sorry for telling you guys about this as I need to vent it out for very long time i’ve kepp inside cause I quite shy talking about my emotion.
Jun
It is difficult to decipher a manipulative limerent object from one “just enjoying the attention”. We all like attention as human beings. Some of us go about it differently. Some are introverts and some are extroverts. Sometimes the limerent object is just as flustered as the limerent.
She (LO) was a very extroverted person. She garnered attention from anyone as she was very vocal and bubbly. She laughed and smiled a lot. One couldn’t help but be in a good mood around her. But she didn’t ask for a limerent, but she got one.
I think that there are some people that just enjoy attention. I work with a man now that if you listen to him long enough he could talk for hours on end. He is the king of bs’ing and shooting the $hit. Some people are just outgoing and because of that enjoy getting the attention they seek. For a limerent that is very hard to see any attention from the limerent object as NOT special personal attention to themselves.
All that said, my personal opinion is it seems he, in your case, very much realizes the attention you give/gave him and is enjoying it. And now that you have pulled back he is seeking it out himself.
Now I don’t think he is being intentionally manipulative. It just seems he is getting a high from seeing you the way you do with him as the limerent. Not saying that he is limerent too. He could just have a hard time dating, or is in a loveless marriage and not getting feminine attention at home. But it seems pretty clear he is going out of his way to see you.
Seeing your comment make feel me what you said about my LO might be true to some extent. It’s hard to get out from this state, tired of self pitying. It is really hard…..
Get it out there, that’s what I think anyway. It’s better than those thoughts being stuck in your head!
I have had a fairly good day, felt quite normal around him, or at least able to speak. I am trying not to talk directly to him, but if he’s part of the conversation with others then I’ll have to go with it.
I did find myself drifting off into fantasy land at one point but I was able to cut it short!
We got this!
I felt that conversation whenever someone mention his name, feel uncomfortable and unpleasant feel in my heart. Trying to change the subject asap someone mention his name especially my bestie seem like to talk about him. But she’s not toxic person, just sometimes she airhead.
Wish we all get this through since this dangerous addiction is hard to remove from our mind and emotion🤗🤛💪💪
hi jean i think that is your name so i have this crush and ummm idk if he likes me back people just have been saying that i got rejected but i never really asked him. and I really want to get over him so like at school i do not want to keep on staring at him and before i do something stupid in front of him. so idk how to get rid of him if i see him everday and if i like still like him.
Limerence is the exact word that fits my situation at this time. I have liked a guy for 3 years and had never said anything to him. Now, since a few months he’s been giving me on and off attention with his deep stares which has made me excited that ahh he is interested too. But turns out he only gives me attention when he wants to and ignores me on his own accord. My feelings bottled up fro 3 years resurfaced and I tried to connect with him with his way of communication i.e., staring. As soon as he saw this, he moved away and starting ignoring me. His ignorance has made me an actual maniac. I started going to psychics spending around $2,000 in 3 months. I recently met a very genuine soul and she suggested me this term mentioning that you are obsessed with this person, especially when he is putting his energy nowhere around you. I wouldn’t say I am relieved but at least I’m aware that I am going through something others other went through. That guy is in my class and is apparently in a relationship with someone else while stealing glances with me. Any suggestions on what should I do to help myself or distract myself. Would be highly appreciated.
Hi Hermit,
That sounds frustrating. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Hopefully, one of the guys will give you advice about what to do with your LO. I would like for you to stop spending money on psychics. That is my advice. Best of luck!
I’ll field this one! Hi Hermit! Using eye contact as a measure of attraction is foolish. Yes, it can be powerful, but easily misinterpreted. He might be looking at you thinking “why is this woman always looking at me”. My LO still has deep eye contact with me yet I know for fact she is not romantically attracted to me.
Do you know this person? Can you strike up a conversation with him, get to know him better? Nothing beats actual one on one interaction. If he is interested he should make a more tangible move. If not, then I would recommend to move on from him.
Hermit
Just my two cents, but you say “he is in my class” and I don’t know if this is high school, college, etc. I unlike my son (now 20) didn’t even try romantic interactions with girls until I was 21, as in dating. I found, through watching the interactions of my friends that were dating as early as middle school (though that’s clearly not dating as in looking for long term connection) and thought it was a whole lot of drama and pain. I kept my crushes to myself at that age because I had no idea what I wanted out of life and found that most people didn’t at that age too, whether they’d admit it or not. So dating to me just seemed silly.
My son had his first “girlfriend” at 13. She was a …. well I don’t really have anything nice to say about her. Then his second girlfriend at around 16-17 is the one that after being together 2 1/2 years making plans for the future; college, kids, marriage, etc one night dumped him in a text and told him never to contact her. Don’t got nothing nice to say about her either.
This is an old man’s long winded way to say, to me his behavior just sound down right immature. If he really had an interest in you a mature young man would approach you and talk to you. Even if not right away declaring his romantic feelings. If he felt something for you he would want to get to know you as a person. Friendships are a great foundation for long term romantic relationships. Just my two cents young lady. Take an old man’s ramblings with a grain of salt lol
I’ve had a crush on and off again for the same girl for about a year. I have known her for two years and have been friends the whole time. It was easy to handle because she was in a relationship, but she broke up with her boyfriend. Now I have feelings come up, and I don’t want them too! She was the one that was dumbed, still think she likes him, and obviously I work with her. Every red flag is there but I can’t get her put of my head. You guys think I should keep bearing it until one of us finds someone else or should I go for it even though I think I know she won’t reciprocate. I just want to move on but I’m stuck on her
100% go for it. If she is available and you are available go for it. Most people here would envy this as we are all hung up on people with a ton of barriers in the way. This is a unique opportunity.
Now, she may not feel the same so be prepared for rejection and to move on with just friendship if you can. But maybe she does feel the same or maybe by you disclosing it puts the idea in her head where it wasn’t before and over time you grow on her and you end up together.
Yep…I would go for it. Don’t waste the opportunity.
Hello Steve,
What are the red flags? Is it too soon after her last relationship?
Just curious. Maybe talking about it could help you process it.
Steve,
From experience I can tell you that being the first guy after the breakup isn’t an ideal position. It’s better to be the second or, even better, the third. By then, she should have mellowed out a lot.
Do you know why they broke up? It can make a big difference. There are some scenarios you don’t want to be in the same time zone with.
I also don’t recommend you allow yourself to become her confidant. It can be a very thankless task. I’ve done it twice. Neither worked. They weren’t grateful, and they both were more grief than they were worth. Toss in that she’s a coworker and that amps up the risk.
But, YMMV.
20 years later I still feel butterflies thinking of him. I was 24 then. The absurdity of it all is that we didn’t actually date. He was a friend for a short while in grad school, who went on to date someone else while I watched helplessly. He knew how I felt, he just never acknowledged it. It always felt like he’s the one that got away. I am pretty sure I will feel it if I run into him again. Thankfully the chances are low.
I look him up online sometimes. I still get overwhelmed when I do. But time and life also taught me that he didn’t reciprocate, or maybe we were just kids, either way I deserved better than the feeling of “I almost had him”. It also comes down to self love. It’s when you don’t love yourself that you seek it this much in someone else in a toxic way. For me it was trauma. A specific trauma had left me crippled with anxiety that still lingers 25 years later. And it’s this trauma that puts me in these situations. Healing sometimes takes a lifetime. And that’s ok, as long as you’re taking steps in the right direction .
how women use “trauma” as an excuse for everything , interesting viewing : https://www.youtube.com/live/Bm6SOErwnZA?si=wXr3gPSSxG49SO-I
Hey Pheonia,
All I can say is wow. Your situation is so similar to mine. And you have outlaid it so beautifully.
I won’t reiterate ‘my story’ here but I have in other posts, and it has great similarities to yours.
She knew how I felt but was not interested in pursuing anything with me. And the hurt wound of having been passed over has never really gone away. But the pain is mine and I own it.
And yes, what led to the situation was a lack of self-love on my part. And trauma usually plays a part in these things and it shouldn’t be downplayed.
We all deserve something better than made up fantasies with someone who is long gone from our lives.
The second part of our lives seems to be where we recover from the wounds of the first part of our lives.
I always end up hating women I have crushes on ’cause they always only put me in the friend zone. To hell with [slur deleted by Dr L].
At least you aren’t like me. I’m 14 and I am still obsessed with this girl for 4 years and because of traditions I can’t ask her out till 25… (and I can only date one person in my entire life) probably why no guides help – almost nothing. You’ll find her.
I’m so glad to see so many people on here! I thought I was the only one.
I have a huge crush on someone I met in an online game. Finally I confessed to him over a month ago and got rejected. I’ve been trying to move on. But I can’t. I don’t want to.
I am a 46 y/o male and my LO is a female in her mid-20s.
We first met in June of 2023. She works at my bank and helped me with a fairly routine business transaction. Her and I had a pleasant interaction. We started by talking about how I’d barely beaten an incoming thunderstorm that was raging outside, and we ended up talking about the property I was about to purchase and my daughter who’s in elementary school. I left that day thinking she was a really nice girl, but otherwise no real interest. In fact, my initial impression (first 10 seconds or so) was very ‘meh.’
My second interaction with her was about two months later dealing with another matter which necessitated an email exchange in the following days. Once again, we had a very pleasant conversation and I was left with a very favorable impression of her. She had proven to me that she was very competent and effective, as she’d set up an extra account for me while working on the other stuff. She had a quiet confidence that I liked. Still, no real limerent feelings at that point.
A third visit to the bank about a month after that (September) was when the glimmer occurred. I was dealing with another representative in an office next door over a business matter. That other rep noticed that I needed a witness to my form, so she called over my soon-to-be LO to witness my signature. She came over and we had a very interesting but brief conversation. Something came over me as soon as she walked in and she seemed to be talking to me in a flustered manner, like someone talks to someone they *really* like. Not saying she felt the same way, but I sensed a spark. She talked about some new things coming up at the bank and that she was preparing for an upcoming trip. She had to take off abruptly to another part of the bank, so I never got to ask her about her trip (I was somewhat curious). We wrapped up our brief exchange, I wished the other rep a good day, and I left. I got to my truck sat there for a second, and thought ‘wtf just happened?!?!?????’
Ever since then, I haven’t been able to shake my thoughts about my LO. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her in some form.
I have purposefully avoided going into the bank as much as possible. I have only had to go there one other time since then, and she was not there that day. Believe me, I was nervous. I have not seen her or talked to her in six months. I believe minimal contact is the best way to go about this.
I do find her sexually attractive, but the sexual thoughts have been very fleeting and not all that intense. The thoughts have been way more about just picturing us being together in everyday life. Watching movies, riding in the car, eating dinner at a restaurant, drinking coffee at Starbucks, etc.
Like with most cases of limerence, there are several barriers. 1.) I am in a LTR with my fiancee, which whom we have a daughter. 2.) She works at my bank and banks typically have policies against this sort of thing (for good reason). 3.) She knows way too much about my finances for my comfort level.
I don’t want to continue to have these feelings. I know this is a drug I seek for a dopamine hit when I’m stressed, or when I’m bored, or when I’m lonely (I’m rarely lonely, but it happens), or when my SO and I are having a rough patch. I strive to get to the point where one day I think to myself, ‘I haven’t thought about (LO) in months!’
Your scenario doesn’t seem all that uncommon. You’ve already gone NC it looks like. If you are truly determined to stay NC, you could even switch banks? Not sure if that’s possible where you live.
I am sorry that you are struggling with thoughts. As a limerent, I’ve been there. My LE is going on 2 years. I still struggle at times. There are many threads here on purposeful living. This forum has been very helpful during my harder times.
This is a positive forum. So look around, stay engaged and we will try to help out as much as we can.
MJ, thank you for your reply.
Switching banks will not be necessary in my case. I’ve been with them for over 20 years. They have a few other branches (they are a local chain and I live in a fairly large metropolitan area), so I’m not locked to that particular location.
I’ve had these episodes before, but never one this invasive while I was in a LTR. Everything before this was just a crush that faded in fairly short order.
I look forward to checking out this forum more and more.
Welcome to our club, Essgee! I see that you’ve already met MJ. He has some good ideas for you to consider.
I want to address the pleasant thoughts of your LO. If you can replace that habit of daydreaming about your LO with something else, you will recover much quicker. Those daydreams will turn into intrusive thoughts if they haven’t already. The intrusive thoughts are the worst part of an LE. I’ll share a short YouTube video that explains intrusive thoughts.
How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts
by Mark Freeman
https://youtu.be/laeYq51SYA0
Good luck!
Lovisa, thank you for your reply and the link.
I am currently seeing a therapist (not just about this), and she suggests re-centering my thoughts whenever I think of my LO. If you’re familiar with guided meditation, it’s the same type of centering the guided sessions teach you when your thoughts wander away from your breathing. My therapist is also open to journaling about it. Writing about it has helped me put things in perspective. Some days, I have a ton of thoughts, therefore a ton of re-centering.
I look forward to checking out the video.
I am impressed that you are able to meditate during an LE. It was very challenging for me to meditate during the intrusive thoughts phase. I needed some kind of stimulus or my thoughts would drive me nuts. I used running, ice baths, cryotherapy, the LwL community and I started playing Candy Crush on my phone. I tried meditating but couldn’t pull it off during the intense phase of my LE. It’s awesome that you can do it. I think you are well on your way to recovery.
My meditation doesn’t seem to have a particularly profound effect one way or the other as far as the limerence goes. It helps me more in a short-term way whenever I need to calm myself from a stressful event, or if i need clarity on something that’s stumping me.
I found that centering my thoughts–whatever they are in that moment–back to my breathing was is helpful and makes me less tense.
Hi, Essgee!
Welcome to LwL1
It seems that you caught on to limerence early, haven’t gotten in deeply, and have the luxury of No Contact. All of those are good things.
From what I got from your post, your biggest threat is she becomes your “go to” when you need a mental escape from things. If that’s the case and you start to seek her out by visiting that branch you’re going down a slippery slope. If she reciprocates and you develop more than a professional acquaintance, you’re on shaky ground, and Heaven forbid, she has problems and you become her confidant. Become a confidant, and you’re in Emotional Affair, or worse, territory.
It’s not a given that it will happen, but it is a pattern.
My recommendation is you check out the blog archive at the bottom of the page. There’s a lot of material there but I’d start with blogs that talk about glimmer and mood regulation. There’s a “Search the Site” box that can help with that. I’m a big fan of once you’re in a relatively safe place, looking hard at the Glimmer as a place to start but that’s my opinion.
It doesn’t sound like your in immediate danger but I can tell you from experience, things can change rapidly.
Hi, Limerent Emeritus. Thanks for replying.
The slippery slope of furthering contact is a very good point. I don’t want things to get weird, be it anger, further attachment, or worse, an eventual EA or PA. Her having those same feelings towards me is something I’ve wondered about as well, though realistically I believe it’s one-sided. I appreciate you pointing out that tends to be a pattern, and I sure as heck don’t need that!
I will check out those blogs down at the bottom, and I’m especially interested in further reading into the glimmer aspect.
I don’t believe I’m in danger (AFAIK, she’s made no effort to contact me either), but this further puts my mind at ease that NC is the right path moving forward.
Essgee,
“The slippery slope of furthering contact is a very good point. I don’t want things to get weird, be it anger, further attachment, or worse, an eventual EA or PA.”
When LO #4’s relationship collapsed and she reached out to me, I was in my EAP counselor’s office in 2 weeks. She asked what I was looking for out of this. I told her that I didn’t want to attach to her and I sure as hell didn’t want her to attach to me.
The EAP counselor glance at the email from LO #4 that I’d brought with me and said,
“That ship has already sailed.”
I tried limerence as a mood regulator and tried to ride the limerent wave for all it was worth. I was pretty good at it but it got away from me and had the potential to wreak havoc in my life. A good portion of it was that LO #4 went off script and I was suddenly dealing with a real person reaching out to me. Because of my pathology, I responded. My story is chronicled throughout the LwL blogs.
Just a cautionary tale.
Essgee
I can relate to glimmer not happening after meeting LO several times. The same happened to me. I can also relate to the physical attraction being secondary to being attracted to the person she was. I worked with her for a few months before I started to feel any feelings (limerence; didn’t know what it was at the time) for her.
MJ and Miss Lovisa are good first responders for you. They give good advice from two different perspectives. Both them have lifted me out of the quicksand of limerence many times over the time I have been here. Glad to hear you have a plan for redirection. I wallowed in it alone and not understood. It wasn’t until 6 months after last seeing her that I found this place and could form a plan for myself.
Miss Lovisa is our “mother” here. She looks after all of us as we were her own children. I would say the same of Dame Marcia but she doesn’t like being referred to as a “mother” even though she does it for this community just as much as Miss Lovisa. Welcome to the community Essgee. Glad to have you here.
Adam, thanks for your reply.
It seems like we both have had very similar experiences with limerence. Both formed over time, both struggled for about six months before looking further into this, knowing a relationship will never happen and being tortured mentally nonetheless.
I look forward to getting to know everyone here. Glad to be here.
It was additionally difficult to let go and do NC when she let me into her life as well, so to speak. She was a single mother of two. One daughter lived with her and one with their father. In the summer months when school was out their were multiple days she would have to bring her (then) 15 year old daughter with her to work. I got to know her quite well, and exLO even thanked me one time saying that I treated her daughter like she was my own. We often joked together as I said I always wanted a daughter and she would laugh and say “no you don’t” 🙂 They even teamed up and played a funny prank on me one day when I was out in the warehouse having a smoke lol They got me good I will say that. We all had a good laugh. It’s a nice memory.
Adam,
“I would say the same of Dame Marcia but she doesn’t like being referred to as a “mother” even though she does it for this community just as much as Miss Lovisa. ”
No, no, no. I’m the cool, older aunt with the revolving door of younger boyfriends. 🙂
Hi Essgee,
Isn’t strange how we can seem to be minding our own business and the LE hits us out of nowhere. My LO is my employee and for 3.5 years I worked with her without a romantic thought or care. Then over a 10 day period the glimmer happened and crystallized and now 2+ years later I am still dealing with this LE.
The good news for you, you can stay away from LO. Me, I have to coexist with mine and it’s absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausting for me.
From all my time spent here on LwL, no contact seems to be the best method for getting past an LE. I think you should stay the course and stay away from that branch. Let her become just a nice memory of a woman that captured your heart for a moment and that’s it.
Hey Speedwagon, thanks for replying.
I can’t imagine how torturous that is, that you have to face your LO every single day. And an employee at that.
I have seen some people say that exposure to the LO is helpful, but I just can’t see it that way. How am I going to feel if she doesn’t give me that validation the next time I see her, that dopamine rush? Am I going to become angry? I don’t see that as a viable alternative (risking resentment towards my LO, who has zero knowledge and has never wronged me). I agree NC is my best option.
I can answer some of those questions, Essgee. How will you feel if she doesn’t give you some validation when you see her? Probably awful. Your symptoms will probably become worse. Uncertainty is the other misery of limerence. I like your plan to go NC. I also like that you recognize that this situation isn’t your LO’s fault. We get commenters who blame their LO and even try to take revenge, it’s usually just small stuff like being cold towards their LO. I don’t like it when limerents blame someone else for the problem. Sometimes the LO was intentionally seductive like I think happened to Beth2, but most LOs are just friendly people who don’t know that they’ve triggered person addiction. So thank you for not blaming your LO.
When you are ready, you might brainstorm ways to strengthen your relationship with your SO. Many of us used our limerent wake-up call to work on our marriages: Speedwagon, Lost in space, Adam, me… I’m sure there are others, but I can’t think of them right now. I’m pretty sure Dr L did that too.
My glimmer encounter with my LO made me reevaluate things with my SO. We have since been working on our relationship, and things are going better. We were just kind of in a fog, then we started working on things in our relationship. The relationship got worse for about three months, and then it’s gotten better the last two months or so.
I realized things weren’t going right in our relationship, and maybe my LE was kind of a wake-up call to me and to the relationship. Because, frankly, my LO made me feel alive–something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time.
That usually can be a trigger for limerence. It will hit us when there is something else going on in our lives that we feel we are lacking.
In my case, I’ve been divorced since 2011 and had an SO I broke off ties with in Mid 2022. Feeling put-out and lonely shortly after, I fell for a much younger co-worker, who is almost half my age. (I’m 53, she is 29) It seems pretty common around here that us middle aged men end up in midlife crisis mode and seek out younger LOs.
You’re not the first.
I was basically rejected by my LO, and that caused severe and I mean severe depression. Lows so bad, I didn’t think I could even go on, but with the help of this Community, a Priest and God’s grace, I think I am doing better lately.
My story is all over the forum and begins in the Coworker LO thread, if you care to read it. (You’ll have to really scroll to get to it.)
I’m a female and my LO is female as well. I never identified as gay, I’m more on the aromantic/asexual spectrum, used to crush on boys growing up, but as soon as I realized they weren’t interested or if they said or did something wrong, my crush was gone instantly.
But now I don’t know what to do. I found my LO as she’s an artist(not famous). I began following her on social media and having some interactions with her, nothing major. I seriously became obsessed with her as a person, even if I didn’t know what she looked like, which is kinda rare for me as I’m a bit shallow. Then she posted a photo of her eyes and I think that’s where my obsession began. She doesn’t identify as straight so maybe that kept my hopes up… I’m so embarrassed, she posted some things and from that I kinda figured out her real name and therefore personal life. Don’t worry, she lives in a different country, I won’t do anything with this info. I bring it up because it only shows how much limerance I’m feeling 🙁
She has a very different life from mine. I know for a fact I will never meet her, this will never be anything, but still, I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s been a year and a half. You may think the fact that I don’t know her personally means it’s easier to forget about her, but seriously, she’s always there on social media. Of course I stop following her and then follow her back. I’m so pathetic. In real life if a man flirts with me I instantly think of her and how I will never love anyone except her.
Update: I haven’t been on her sm for over a month 🙂 I think I’m finally making progress. There are some days when I honestly don’t even think about her. I guess rationalizing everything has helped me lots. Time cures everything, even your limerance. But you have to work on it, not just hope it happens out of nowhere
I have a crush in my ex girlfriend and it’s getting bigger. I also have a boyfriend and he knows about this crush. She also accused me of stalking her when I genuinely am not trying to. I just want to be friends with her but I am not sure if that is going to happen.
Friendship with exes is possible but you often have to let time pass. Too soon and too many emotions are involved.
Trying to get over a girl I met at college. I thought there might’ve been something from the way she laughed and looked at me, and also turned up where I was standing. I’m 30 and she’s 21, so there were differences I was unsure of.
She was really quiet, never initiated and didn’t accept a social media request. She moved seats in a car when I got into the back, to go and sit in the front. I felt she wasn’t into me. In that same car ride, her friend mentioned me living in a house near campus, and she chimed in quietly, “we should do that”.
A week later, I received a message from her, ‘I’m looking for a flat on campus or a house share, I was wondering if you were looking for the same?’
I asked her to meet for lunch. At lunch she was quiet, looking at her phone. I felt she wasn’t into me. She giggled. Her friend asked her if that was the guy from last week.
Hurt by that, I turned down her house share request. She looked at me sad and hurt. I didn’t want to live with her because I had feelings and I felt she didn’t share them. Later she would walk out of the classroom when I entered, or turn away with a smile.
She left to her home state on gap year. I wished her luck on message, she said the same. I talked to her friend, and confessed my feelings to them. The friend said she couldn’t speak for her feelings, but that she was really socially awkward and shy and doesn’t ever start social interactions and needs prompting.
After a year, I messaged her and told her I that I turned down her share house request because I had feelings for her. She said she definitely didn’t know. I said that if she was ever around I’d ask her to lunch, but then she said ‘Oh okay I don’t know how my boyfriend would feel about that though (sweating emoji).’
I feel like I want to get over this but we have a lot in common; I just want to let this go but I can’t seem to meet anyone who I can think of in the same way. I want to let her go. It’s been a year already.